Healthy Friendships

Friends Will Disappoint Us, God Won’t

“Even my close friend in whom I trusted, who ate my bread, has lifted his heel against
me.” Psalm 41:9

We’ve all experienced disappointment and hurt in friendships. Trusted friends betray us.
Hurtful words cause distance. Close friends move away and eventually lose touch. A best
friend begins to avoid you. Conversations with the people who you thought knew you, leave
you feeling misunderstood and unknown.

It’s inevitable. We will be hurt and cause hurt when we engage in friendship. Most commonly,
issues arise in friendships when we think people should respond to us as God does, or we
assume that God responds to us as imperfect people do. Friendships, no matter how strong,
will never satisfy us like a friendship with God will. Yes, God’s initiation and demonstration of
friendship towards us should be the foundation of all healthy friendships: “We love because He
first loved us.” (1 John 4:19). But we must never exchange God’s love for people’s love, or look to
friends to give us the unconditional love, all-knowing intimacy, perfect provision, and soul
security that only God is capable of giving. Expecting that kind of love and intimacy from a
person puts a weight on them that they were never meant to carry. Our friendships with
people must always be secondary to our friendship with God.

When we enjoy God’s friendship and companionship on a daily basis, we learn that His love
and His ability to know and care for us are limitless and flawless. Only when our need for love
and care are satisfied in God can we properly enjoy the gift of human friendship.
 Giving and Receiving the Gift of Friendship

“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness,
humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against
another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And
above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.” Colossians
3:12-14

When we look to God for ultimate friendship, we can extend friendship to others in a way that
imitates the way God extends love and friendship to us. Not only should our love and
friendship toward others be a model of God’s love for us, but God should also be the object of
our love towards others. When we keep God as the object of our love towards others, we can
develop healthy friendships.

So, what do healthy friendships look like?

In healthy friendships:

We extend friendship to others without constantly looking for something in return or

having demanding expectations of them.
We don't demand more from a friendship than God intended.
Our friendships become about serving, rather than being served and/or having our own
needs met.
We have the right expectations of our friends and understand that they will hurt us, and
we will hurt them because we are imperfect humans.
We are quick to extend forgiveness and grace.
We enjoy the gift of friendship, without idolizing it.
Instead of asking questions like, Who is serving me? How is the church providing me with
community? How are others making me feel? Who is inviting me? What’s in this
relationship for me?, ask, Who can I serve? How can I invest in my community? Who can I
invite? What do I have to give?
We do not gossip about one another. What is said in private is not to be repeated without
permission.
Warning Signs of Unhealthy Friendships

Do you experience jealousy when your friend spends time with others? Do you feel a
sense of possessiveness toward her?
Have you lost interest in other friendships? Do you lack a desire to make new friends?
Do you avoid conflict with your friend for fear of losing intimacy in the relationship?
Do you often pay for each other’s meals and expenses, or make large purchases
together?
Does your friend pressure you to do things you are uncomfortable with? Do you feel the
freedom to say no to them?
Are flattering words or praise common in your friendship? (For example, “You are the
only one who understands me” or, “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”)
Do you operate like a couple? Do others see you as inseparable?
Do you stay in constant communication with this friend (texts, phone calls, Snapchat,
emails)?
Do you feel like you couldn’t live without this friend? Do you sense that you need them
to thrive?

Application
Take a few minutes to consider your current and past friendships. Which ones would you
consider healthy, unhealthy, or neutral?

healthy neutral unhealthy

Now ask yourself "Why?" What made your healthy friendships healthy? (i.e. healthy
boundaries, grace and forgiveness, mutual interests, etc.)

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What about your unhealthy friendships? What were the factors that made it unhealthy?
(i.e. jealousy, selfishness, dependency, unforgiveness, etc.)

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 Circles of Friendships

Friendships are not all equal. The diagram below helps us understand the various levels
of friendship. In each "circle" of friends, there are unique boundaries and assumptions
that we make. Knowing the differences can help us grow in a healthy understanding of
friendship. (The following is an excerpt from an article posted on yourlifeyourvoice.org)

Your Inner Circle

Outer Circle These are the people who are very close to you, who
understand you, people who you trust to always be
le Circle
Midd
there for you when you need them. The number of
friends in your inner circle should be small, typically
less than 5 people. Maybe you only identify one
r Circle
Inne person—that's ok. If you allow too many people into
this inner circle, it can result in feeling used,
confused, and sometimes heartbroken.
Self
Fill your inner circle with the right people. These
people will have a strong influence on you, and will
ultimately impact on how you feel about yourself.

Your Middle Circle

The middle circle contains your good friends, people that you enjoy hanging out with.
You share stories, interests, experiences, joys and frustrations with them. These are
people you have lunch with, sit with in class, laugh and have fun with.
Your level of emotional investment with this group of friends is different than with
those in your inner circle. You may share your opinions, but are probably careful
about sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings with them. These friends are an
important part of your life, but may move in and out of this circle depending on your
common interests and activities, and time spent together.

Your Outer Circle

Your outer circle are people who you have a relationship with, but there's not
necessarily a deep connection. These people you encounter on a fairly regular basis.
You say hi when you see them, you share a laugh; you may talk about your day or
about something new in your life. You wouldn't want to share your innermost
feelings, troubles, or secrets with them however.
These could be people that you see at school, live in your community, or who you
know through social media. This is a very fluid group of people who will likely move
in and out of your life over time. Investing too much effort and emotion with
someone in your outer circle can leave you feeling resentful, rejected, or embarrassed.
Considering these circles, take time to answer the following:

Name a few things that you would only discuss with someone in your inner circle. Why wouldn't
it be appropriate to share these things with someone in your middle or outer circle?
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Think of a time you shared more sensitive information with someone in your middle or outer
circle? What happened? Do you regret doing so?
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How do gender and age impact the circle of friendship you place someone in?
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Consider whom you would put in your own circles:

Inner Circle Middle Circle Outer Circle

Can you think of anyone in your outer circle that you would like to be closer to? What steps
might you take to get to know them better?
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 Scripture about Friendship

Read through these scriptures. Which one speaks the most to you? Use the space below to thoughtfully
write it down.

“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness,
humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against
another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And
above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.” Colossians
3:12-14

“Do not be deceived: ‘Bad company ruins good morals.’” 1 Corinthians 15:33

“Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.”
Proverbs 13:20

“Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends.”
Proverbs 17:9

“And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.” Luke 6:31

“He who withholds kindness from a friend forsakes the fear of the Almighty.” Job 6:14

“Love one another with brotherly and sisterly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.”
Romans 12:10

References
https://tabletalkmagazine.com/posts/christ-centered-friendship/
https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/true-friends-are-hard-to-find
https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/more-than-bffs
English Standard Version (ESV) Bible

https://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/Pages/Circles-of-Friendship.aspx