SAMPLE WRITING

Write an essay of 350 words or more on the following topic.

Disruptive school students have a bad influence on others. Students who are noisy
and disobedient should be grouped together and taught separately. Do you agree or
disagree with this view? Support your answer with specific example(s)
DISCLAIMER: The sample answer below should NOT be treated as a model.
SAMPLE ANSWER

Student classification as a means to meet the diverse needs of learners is not

uncommon in academic settings. However, certain categorising systems are
particularly controversial: the separation of disobedient learners for the sake of others.
Personally, I believe such an approach is self-defeating and should be substituted by
other more suitable solutions.
To begin with, although it may help others, separating disruptive students would
make it extremely difficult to educate them in the intended way. On the one hand,
should all misbehaving students be grouped together in one class, they will lack a role
model from whom they can learn and thus have no other alternative than copying the
negative traits and behaviours of their equally or more disruptive peers. Moreover, most
of these students still possess desirable qualities. A seemingly misbehaving individual,
for instance, may also be academically outstanding or socially engaged, and by
separating them, educators are effectively ignoring or denying the potential of these
students, which in turn will most likely discourage them from making any positive
change.
Furthermore, segregation on the basis of attitude also gives rise to a learning
environment that hinders the social growth of students. First, there is the problem of
discrimination. Labelled as “disobedient” and isolated, misbehaved students will be
regarded as inferior. Such an environment of polarisation, then, inevitably lays the
seedbed for low self-esteem, lack of self-improvement motivation or hatred in one
group and superiority in another. Equally concerning is the fact that students will, in the
long term, lack the social skills to communicate with people of different personalities
since they are only exposed to peers with similar characteristics. This is not to mention
the risk that when obedience is regarded as commendable, good manners may be
pushed to extreme, discouraging self-expression and opinion variation. Therefore, the
presence of various student types in every class ensures the chance for personal
development, the love and the respect that any individual deserves.
To conclude, separating disobedient students from their classmates does not
necessarily promise the intended education effectiveness but even threatens to
backfire. As a scale model of society, a class involves and should involve varying
components, and with personal filtration and adults’ guidance, students can learn from
one another and adopt necessary social skills like cooperation and tolerance to prepare
themselves better for real life.
*Overall Feedback (special thanks to Mr. Joong Thanh):

- This doesn’t seem to be an IELTS authentic question to me so I’ll give my feedback

based on the exam setting for specialised high-school students. Assuming this essay
was written under the exam condition, your response would score higher if you could
have covered all parts of the task and made your voice clearer. The first statement of
the prompt allows you to respond or react to the task more naturally, e.g.
 by discussing what ‘disruptive behaviour’ means in your experience, and what
would happen if ‘disruptive’ behaviour’ became ‘destructive’ behaviour (as your
position in this essay is quite strong)
 by discussing the reasons behind students’ ‘disruptive behaviour’ to reinforce
your position
 by considering multiple perspectives (e.g. the opposite viewpoints) to create
some balance and objectivity for your essay
 etc.
- Style is appropriate as a whole. You’ve tried to paraphrase the key ideas, though
some terms are not quite precise (e.g. ‘classification’) or are going too far from the topic
(e.g. ‘segregation’, ‘polarisation’). Your language would be more effective if you
interpret the key ideas based on your own knowledge and experience (instead of trying
to sprinkle some words or ideas which may not reflect how you actually feel about the
topic), and this goes back to how you understand the key words in the prompt right in
the beginning.
- Target reader is informed as a whole; conventions of communication could have been
better used for better communicative achievement, e.g. a more positive, appropriate
tone. I love the maturity you’ve tried to show in this essay, though a better organisation
can highlight your ideas and make your essay easier to read. Keep practising!
 A CLOSER LOOK
(Special thanks to Mr. Joong Thanh and senior members of Ambrosia’s Program
Development Department)
*Notes:
RED = errors, inappropriacies, problems, etc.
GREEN = comments
BLUE = points worth noting
PURPLE = suggestions
*Introduction:
- Student classification {Imprecise word choice} as a means to meet the diverse
needs of learners is not uncommon in academic settings. However, certain categorising
systems are particularly controversial: the separation of disobedient learners for the
sake of {Reconsider word choice} others.
- Personally, I believe such an approach is self-defeating {A nice word here,
though using it here means that your ideas later on will need to be able to reflect
the sense and tone of this word; so far your main ideas are fine to me, but I expect
more from a gifted student} and should be substituted by other more suitable
solutions {Ideas are mentioned but can be more fully covered}.
*Body Paragraph 1:
- To begin with, although it may help others, separating disruptive students would
make it extremely difficult to educate them in the intended way {“the intended way”
is quite vague}.
- On the one hand, should all misbehaving students be grouped together in one
class, they will lack a role model from whom they can learn and thus have no other
alternative than copying (and even encourage and fossilise the already negative
traits…) the negative traits and behaviours of their equally or more disruptive peers.
- Moreover, most of these students still possess desirable qualities. A seemingly
misbehaving individual, for instance, may also be academically outstanding or socially
engaged, and by separating them, educators are effectively ignoring or denying the
potential of these students, which in turn will most likely discourage them from
making any positive change. {This seems like an assumption, more reasoning is
needed.}
  Nice try here, though some ideas are still vague and can be more specific
if you can give an example from your own experience, which I believe is not
difficult to find (certain mischievous students can perform well in particular
subjects if they got help and support from their peers and teachers, for example-
-this again might go back to the importance of understanding the reasons behind
their behaviour, and failure to understand this would make the grouping counter-
productive and non-educational… Also be careful when you use connectives like
‘Moreover’, ‘On the one hand’.
*Body Paragraph 2:
- Furthermore, segregation {Reconsider word choice} on the basis of attitude
also gives rise to a learning environment that hinders the social growth of students.
First, there is the problem of discrimination. Labelled as “disobedient” and isolated,
misbehaved students will be regarded as inferior. Such an environment of polarisation
{Reconsider word choice}, then, inevitably lays the seedbed for low self-esteem, lack
of self-improvement motivation or hatred in one group and superiority in another.
- Equally concerning is the fact that students will, in the long term, lack the social
skills to communicate with people of different personalities since they are only exposed
to peers with similar characteristics {This is actually a repetition of ideas from the
previous paragraph; try to consider the issue from multiple perspectives will also
help you avoid repeating yourself}.
- This is not to mention the risk that when obedience is regarded as commendable,
good manners may be pushed to extreme {Pay attention to word choice and tone},
discouraging self-expression and opinion variation {A good idea that you
mentioned in your introduction but here is not well developed; try reorganising
ideas in this second half of the paragraph to highlight the idea about diversity and
inclusion}.
- Therefore, the presence of various student types in every class ensures the
chance for personal development, the love and the respect that any individual {Try to
emphasise this} deserves. {You attempted to use high-level language in this
paragraph, though you need to pay more attention to your tone. In the first half
your tone is quite strong, which is fine (but try not to go too far from the topic),
while the second half of the paragraph may not reflect the consistent tone needed
to sustain your position; some reorganisation of ideas can fix this--at your level,
try using some more sophisticated organisational patterns, e.g. by creating a
climactic effect for your essay}
*Conclusion:
- To conclude, separating disobedient students from their classmates does not
necessarily {Your tone is inconsistent here} promise the intended education
effectiveness but even threatens to backfire. As a scale model of society {Meaning
is unclear}, a class involves and should involve varying components, and with
personal filtration {This phrase does not seem to exist and at any rate, the
meaning seems unreasonable/inaccurate even if it is being used figuratively.} and
adults’ guidance, students can learn from one another and adopt necessary social skills
like cooperation and tolerance {This could have been discussed and developed
further to create a more positive tone for your essay} to prepare themselves better
for real life.