T H E B E ST O F

s
.
J . P E R E L M AN

With a Critic al I n trodu c tion b y

S I D N E Y N AM L E R E P

T HE

MOD ERN L I B R A RY
N E W YO R K
 BY 3 .
J . P E R E L M AN

Renew ed, 1
9 59 ,
1
9 6 0, 1
9 6 2

c
A k now ledg ment s
due T he N ew Yorker in whi h
are ,
c
mo t of the e torie fir t appeared and ollege Hu mor
s s s s s ,
C ,

I g
u d e L if
,
e on ta t
,
a nCd S tag e M ac
g azine for
pe rmi sion s
c
to reprint material w hi h w as fir t pub li hed in their pages s s .

P b lish d i N w Y k b y Ra
u e n e or nd om House ,
I nc .
,

s
D i tri b u t d i C a ada b y R a d m H us
e n n n o o e o fCanad a L imite d ,
Toronto .

T H E M O D E RN L I B RARY
is p ub lish ed b y RAN D O M H O USE , I N C.

B E N N E TT CE RF D O N AL D S . K L OPF ER

M anufa ct d i
u re n the Unite State d s o fAmeri ca b y H W olff .
RO BE RT B EN CH L EY
 TA B L E
OF
CO N T E N T S

I NT RO D UCT ION B Y SI DNEY N AM L E RE P

K ITCHE N B O U QU E T
S O M EWHERE A RO SC OE
WAITIN G F OR SANTY
TH E I D O L S E YE
’

B EAUTY AND TH E B EE
I S TH ERE AN O ST E O SYN CH RO N DROI TRI CI AN I N TH E
H O US E ?
ABB Y THI S I S YO U R FATHER
,

B UFFALO S O F THE WORLD UNIT E ! ,

SAUC E F OR THE G AND ER

—
F RO U F RO U OR V ERTI GO R EVI S IT E D
,

SC E NARI O
A FA REWE LL T O O M S K
N O THIN G B U T TH E TOO TH
WOOD M AN D ON T S P ARE THAT TREE !
’

ST RICT LY F RO M H UN GER
P s S T P ARTN ER YO U R P ERI S TA L S I S I S SH OWING
- - -
, ,

A Pox O N YO U M INE G OO DLY H O ST

,

S LOW D AN GERO US F O IBLE S AHEAD !

—

F OOTN OT E O N TH E YE LL OW P ERI L
M IDWINT ER FACIAL TRE ND S
—
C O UNT ER REVO L U TI O N
 Co n t e n ts

TH E L O V E D E C O Y
T O S L EE P P ERCHANC E T O ST E A M
,

D OWN WITH TH E R EST ORATI ON !

TH E B ODY B EA UTIF U L
P O I S O NO US M US HROO MS
B UTT O N B UTT ON WHO s G OT TH E B LE N D?
, ,

B O Y MEET S G I RL MEETS F OO T
WHA T AM I D O IN G AWAY F RO M H O M E ?
H O LD THAT C HRI ST M A S T I G ER !
S MU GGLER S IN TH E D UST
B EAT ME P O ST I M P RE SSIONIST D ADDY
,
-

—
T O M ORROW FAIRL Y CL O UD Y
S WEET AND H OT
S EE DLIN G S O F D E SIRE
K ITCH E NWA RE N O TI O N S L I GH T S ACT I O N CAM E RA !
, , ,

C AP TAIN F U T U RE B L O CK THAT K IC K ! ,

AD ORABL E TAXABL E YO U ,

A C O U P L E O F QU ICK O N E S
1
. ARTH U R K O B ER
2. V IN C ENT E M INN E LLI
AV O CAD O OR TH E F U T URE O F E AT IN G
,

Y O U SH O U LD L IV E S O WALD EN P OND ,

S WIN G O UT S WEET C HA RIO T ,

S E C OND CLA SS MATT ER

-

WH O LLY CLE AN IN G AND D Y EIN G

W E LL RO LL ME IN A TURK I S H TOWE L !
,

P HY SICIAN ST EE L T HY S E L F
,

PA L E H AND S I L O ATH E
”
I N S ERT F LA P A AN D TH ROW AWAY
F A REWE LL M Y L OVE LY APP E T I Z ER
,

v i ii
 I N T R O D UCT 10 N

I n any consideration of S —
Perelman and S I . . .

P erelman certa in ly deserv es the same consideration on e

accords old ladies on street cars babi es trav eli ng un es cort
,

ed on planes an d the feebl e minded generally it is impor

,
- - 4

tant to remember the crush ing the well ni gh i ntolerable,

-

odds under which th e man has struggl e d to prod uce what

may well be i n the verdict of histo ry the most p icayun e

, ,

pro se ever produced i n Ameri ca D eni ed ev ery a dv antage .

,

beset and plague d by ill fortune and a d isposition so

crabbed as to make Al exan der P ope and Dr Johns on seem .

sunny by contrast he has neverthel ess managed to belt o u t

,

a seri es of books each l ess distingu ished than its predeces

sor each a mil eston e of bombast concei t pedantry and
, , , ,

s tr u tting pomposity In his pages prol iferate al l the wei rd

.

g rammat i ca l flora tabu l ated by H W F ow l er i n h i s.M od .

em E nglis h Usage —the E l egant Vari ati on th e Facetio u s ,

Zeugma the Cast Iron Idi om the Battered Ornament

,
-
, ,

the Bower s B i rd Phrase the Sturdy In defens ibl e the

’
-
, ,

—
Side Slip and the Unequal Yokefell ow H i s work is a
, .

muse u m of medi ocri ty a monument to the truly banal

, .

W hat Flaubert did to the French bourgeo i s i n B o uv ard

an d P ec uchet what Piz arro d id to the Incas what ack
, l ,

Dempsey di d to P aoli no Uzcudun S I Perelman has , . .

done to American bell es lettres -

.

I t is c ustomary to palliate the sh ortcomi n gs of certain

em i nent men by p l eading thei r physi cal d rawb acks D os .

toiev sky s epil ep sy Beeth ov en s deafnes s and M il ton s

’ ’ ’
,

ix
blindness have al l been served u p on occasion to explain
their vaga ries Th e same m u s t be done for S J Perelman
. . .
,

excep t that he has labored under a far greater handicap .

E x t raordinary tho u gh it may seem his en tire o u tp u t over ,

the past two decades has been achieved witho ut ben efit of
b rain The plain medical fact which cannot be blinked
.

( and if we are to blink it we mus t accept

,
the co u se

q u e n c e s ) is that his sk u l l is lit t le more than a hollow go u rd ,

a mere bony knob on which reposes a bat tered Herbert

Johnson hat How he contrives to ful fi l the ordinary obli
.

ati on s o f ev e ryday li fe — to get to his O f

fi ce philander
g ,

with his secretary bed evil his wife and terrorize his chil
, ,

—
dren is one of thos e mys t eries of scren ce like the common
cold or mixed bathing The rest of his phys i que is even .

l ess prepossess ing Under a forehead roughly comparable

.

to that of the Javanese or the P il tdown M an are Visible a

pa i r of tiny p i g eyes li t up alternatel y by greed and con
,

cupisc ence H i s n ose broken i n chi l dhoo d by a self in fl ic

.
,
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ted blow wi th a h ockey sti ck has a prehensile tip ever quick

, ,

to smell out an insul t; at the l east susp i ci on of an a ffront ,

Perelman who has the pri de of a Spanish grandee has

, ,

been known to whip out his sword cane and hide i n the —
nearest cl oset He has a good figure it not a Spectac ul ar
.
,

one ; above the hips a barrel chest and a barrel belly form
,

a Single pla stic un i t whi ch bobbl es u ncertain ly on a pair

of Skinny shanks In moti on the man s body may best be
.
,
’

likened to a New Bedford Whaler in the tee th of an eq u i a

n oc t ial gale ; i n repose it is strongly reminiscent of a giant

,

slo th In point of fact from what small exteri or evidence

.
,

we poss ess i t would appear that he has modeled himself

,
 l sely on that l uckl ess an i mal A mon strous i ndol ence
c o .
,

chec k by jowl wi th the kind of i rascib ility di 8 played by a

Vermont postmaster whil e s orting the morning mail is ,

perhaps his chief characteris tic Small wonder that he .

sho u ld have chosen for his book plate that sign i ficant -

Revol ut ionary emblem a crouched rattlesnake above the

,

terse inj u nction Don t T read on M e

,
“ ’
.

B ut these idiosyncrasies however striki ng bear no more , ,

reference t o Perelman s work than Landr u s SocI al graces

’ ’

d id to h i s Real ly to comprehend his writi ng ( a project on

.

a par wi th understanding Chichen itza ) one Sho uld ex -

,

am i ne random passages Let us selec t a few i nstances and

.

explore wi thout rancor thei r sources and i mplicati ons

, ,
.

T ake for exampl e the two sentences I n the essay called

, ,
“ ”
Ki tchen Bouq u et wh i ch Opens th is vol ume The au .

thor is Speaki ng of a servant he employed bri efly one sum

“
mer : For some reason I never could fathom unl ess i t ,

was that I occas i onally wore a T attersall vest W illiam ,

persis ted i n regarding me as a rac i ng man H e could recall .

every entry i n th e Cesarewi tch Sweepstake s si nce 1 8 99

and did but faced wi th a pot roast he assumed a wooden

, ,

incomprehens i on that wo ul d have d one credit to a Digger

”
Indian Now a l though P erel man del iberately d isavows
.
,

any knowl edge of raci ng the references to the T attersall

,

vest an d the Cesarewi tch Sweepstake s mark him as an

habi tu é of the tracks Yet i t can b e stated wi th absol ute
.

—
authority that his cl osest conta ct wi th hors e hai r w as a
short snooz e on a Vi ctorian sofa i n 1 9 1 6 The actual ori .

gin of thes e all us i on s was as foll ows Some twen ty four .

-

years ago he borrowed an d wore to a jun i or tea dance

,
—
at his un ivers i ty a Tatt ersall vest a c ircumstan ce which ,

apparen tly impressed i tsel f on the snobbish adolescent

mind T en years la t er in the E nglish Bar at Chantilly he
.
, ,

overheard two elderly jockeys heatedly discuss i ng the

Cesarewitch It was therefore i nevitable that Si nce P erel
.
,

man sufi ers from what psychol ogi sts euphemistically term
total recall he should have dredged up these references
,

w hen the O pportunity arose Anyone wi th a pri miti ve .

sense of decency wo u ld have hes i tated to exhume them ,

but this scavenger th is li tera ry ghoul whose expl o i ts would

,

horri fy a Scotti sh med i cal school s ticks at noth i ng W ith , .

fiendish nonchal ance and a compl ete l ack of reverence

for good form he plucks words out of contex t ravishes
, ,

them an d makes off wh i stli ng as his vi cti m s sob brokenly

,

in to the bo l ster .

B ut i t i s when the reader comes fac e to face wi th a

“ "
g i gant i c k i tch en m i dden l ik e Scen ar i o th e e l eventh ar ,

tiel e in th i s collect i on that his i magi nati on reel s Wh at

, .

i s one to say of such d epl orable lap ses of l ogic an d de

corum as Ge ntl emen I give you M artha Cu sti s hetman
“
, ,

of the Don Cossacks her features etche d with the fragile

,
” “
bea u ty of a cameo or It s m i dsummer madness F ia ’

metta ! You mus tn t ! I must ! I want you ! You want me?

’

— ’
—
But I I m just a poor li ttl e s lavey and you why all li fe s ,
’

ahead of you ! Fame the l ove of a goo d woman children !

, ,

An d your mus i c Raoul ! E xcuse me m iss are you Fiametta

, , ,

De Splain s? I am Yanke l Patchou li a sol ic i tor Here i s my , .

card and a report Of my recent uri nalys i s Raoul ! Raoul ! .

Come quick ! A milli on dol lars ! N ow you can go to P a ri s

an d st u dy yo u r counterpo i nt ! Damn my mus i c F i ametta , ,
my happiness was in my own back yard all the ti me and
”
I was how yo u say i t one blind fool I t is all very well
, ,
.

to condone Perelman on the gro u nd that he wrote the

foregoing a fter ext ended servi tu de in Hollywood b u t what ,

if such passages were t o fall into the hands of children ?

Parti cularly children who did not know the mean i ng of
”
words like patcho u li ?
Unquesti onably the two most dom i nant themes i n the
,

ensu ing pages if any general pattern can be dis ce rned are
, ,

those relati ng to money and women Ag a i n and agam .

Perelman s quenchless preoccupa ti on wi th moola and

’

the fe male fig u re i nvades his discourses ; a c u rsory inSpeO

ti on reveals th i rty seven direct all u sions to the former an d
-

“
twen ty four to the lat ter Some of the articles ( Adorabl e
-
.
‘

T a xabl e You and Farewell M y Lovely Appeti zer ) ac

” “ ”
,

tually d ea l wi th nothing el se ; and th i s lamentable under

tone of av ari ce and l ubri ci ty probably rea ches its zenith
i n You Sh oul d Live So W al den P ond wi th the phrase
“
,
”
,
“
Hardly am I back i n the Taj M ah al s urrounded by M a de
,

leine Carroll and five h u ndred milli on billion trilli on dol

”
l ars Obvi ous i nfantili sm of this sort can b e forgi v en a
.

gi fted wri ter; i n one so patently devo i d of tal ent as Perel

man h i s contin u a l absorpti on with the fleshpots i ndicates
,

the need for speedy therapy E ither he sho uld set his
.

sights for M iss Carroll and her bankrol l or betake himself

to that good five cent psychiatrist he i s forever pra t ing

-

abo u t .

For i t is evi dent to anyone with a gra i n of sense and the

pri ce of th i s vol ume ( on which P erel man unfortunately , ,

rece i ved a stipu l ated roya l ty ) that the man faces a disas »

x iii
 K I T C H E N B O U QU E T

Ye s te r d ay morn i ng I awoke from a d eep

dream of peace compounded of equal parts of alloual and
Vat 69 to find that autumn was i ndeed here Th e l ast leaf .

had fluttered Off the sycamore and the last domesti c of

the summer solsti ce had packed her bi ndle and caught the
milk train out Of T renton Peace to her ashes which I
.
,

shall carry up henceforward from the cellar Stay as sweet .

as you are honey and don t drive through any open draw
, ,
’

bridges is my Ch ri stmas wi sh for Leota Clafiin And l est .

“
the Nati onal Labor Relati ons Bo ard ( just plain Nat to
i ts friends of whom I am one Of th e staunchest ) summ on
,

me to the husti ngs for unfa i r employer tacti cs I ri se to ,

o ffer in evi dence as pretty a nosegay of houseworkers as

ever fri ed a tenderl oin steak Needless to say the charac
.
,

ters and events depicted herein are purely i maginary and ,

I am a man who l ook s l ike Ronal d Colman and dances

like Fred Astai re .

Th e first reckl ess crocus of M arch was nos i ng up

through the lawn as I Sprang from the driver s seat spread ’

my cloak across a muddy spot and obsequiously handed

,

—
down Philom ene Labruyere colored no l a u ndry Philo ,
.

mé ne was a dai nty th i ng b uilt somewhat on the order of

,

Lois De Fee the lady bo u ncer She had the rippl i ng mus
, .

cles of a panther the stolidity of a water buffalo and the

, ,

lazy i nsolence of a sh oe salesman She stood seventy fiv e

.
—
inches in her stocking feet which I will take my Bibl e
,

oath were prehensile As she bent do wn to lift her su i tcase

.
,

3
Sh e p i cked u p the car by mistake an d had i t halfway down
the Slope before I pointed o u t her mistake She ack nowl .

edged the rep roo f with a glance of s u ch Sheer hatred that

I knew a t once I sho uld have kept my lip b uttoned After .

all perhaps the woman wanted my au t omobile i n her

,

bed room for some p u rpose of her own .

Yo u yo u can take i t u p with you i f you want I

—
,
“
s tammered thinking to re trieve her esteem I ve got
, .
’

—
plen ty of o thers I mean I ve got plenty of nothing I ’
—
mean W ith my ears glowing I att emp t ed to conceal ,

“
my gaffe by h u mming a few bars Of Su mmert ime b u t
”
,

her cold appraismg glance told me that Philom ene had

,

me pegged .

W huh kine place is th i s ? she rumbled susprcrously .

”
Yo u m u s b e crazy ’
.

“ ”
B u t aren t we all ? I remmded her wi th a charming
’

.
’
—
smile C est la mala die d u temps the Sickness of the
— —
t imes don t yo u think ? Fin de siécle and lost generation
’
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,

i n a way I Sho uld have been a parr of ragged claws sc u t

.
‘

tling across th e floors of silen t seas How well E liot p u ts .

’

”
it ! D ye ever see any of the old tran sitio n crowd ? I
’

skipped along doing my best to lighten her mood car ,

ried her several hatboxes and even pro f fered a reefer b u t

, ,

there was no doubt i n either of our minds who had the

upper hand .

T hat Philom ene was a manic depressive i n the down -

hill phase was of co u rse instan tly apparent t o a boy of

, ,

five Several boys of five who happened to be s tanding

.
,

aro u nd and were by way of being s tu dents of psych o

p athology stated
,
t heir belie f to me i n j u st those words :

4
 —
M an i c depressive downhill phase At the close of bus i
,
.
"

ness every evening Philom ene re tired to her ro om armed

,

wi th a sixteen i nch steak kni fe dou btless to ward O ff an

-
,

attack by her Pol t ergeist Sh e then Spen t the bes t part of

.

an ho u r barri cading her door wi th dressers armoires and , ,

o ther heavy f u rnitu re preparat ory to sleeping wi th th e

,

“ ”
l igh t s on I say Sleeping utterly wi tho u t convic tion ; sh e
.

undo ubtedly molded lead stat u es of her employer an d

crooned to them over a slow fire .

But i f her behavior w as erratic there was no l ack of ,

consistency i n Philomen e s c u isine M eat l oaf and col d

’
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fri ed ch i cken succeeded each o ther with the deadly pre

cision of tracer b u llets At l ast when blood and s inew
.
,

could stand no more and I was abo u t to d issolve th e

un i on I suddenly discovered that this female Paul Bun
,

yan had grown to womanhood u nder the brigh t skies of

M ar tinique and I knew a moment of elation I let it b e
, .

brui t ed through the servants hall that I wo uld look tol’

eran tly on fried plan t ain yarns and succ u lent rice dishes
, , .

T hat aft ern oon the ki t chen was a h ive of activ i ty T he air .

was heavy wi th saffron pimento and al lspice I h eard

, ,
.

sn atches of W est Indian Calyps os ca u ght a glimpse of ,

Philomen e s h ea d swathed i n a gay bandanna W i th th e

’
.

care befi tting a spec ial occasion I dressed negligen tly b ut ,

with u nimpeachable taste in whites and c u mmerbun d ,

mixed myself several excellent stengahs and sa u ntere d ,

—
i n to dinner for all the world like an up co u ntry tea
planter A few momen ts later Philom ene entered with
.
,

what might be called a smoking salver except for the

c umstanc e that i t was stone cold On i t l ay the wing and .

5
u n d ercarri age of an even colder chi cken flanke d by two ,

segments of meat loaf .

After five minutes of reflecti on d uri ng which I am , ,

told my feat u res closely resembled a Japanese print I

, ,

arose and throwing out my tiny chest marched i nto th e

, ,

ki tchen The maledicti ons withered on my lips Seated

. .

at the table my black hib i sc u s blossom w as tuck i ng i n a

,

meal consisting of potage P armen tier a v ec crofitons a ,

cri 3p gigo t salad e fa tigu ée and po t de creme au choc olat

, , .

“
— ”
You thing I sa i d at l ength and five m i nutes l ater
, ,

P h ilom ene was on her way back to St Pierre . .

H er s u ccessor was a chapfallen A u stralian ca daver who

had reached his z en i th as steward of a co u ntry club in
P omp ton Lakes and treated me and m i ne with the tired
fatalism of a soc ial worker F or some reason I never could .

fa thom unless i t was that I occasionally wore a Ta tt er

,

sall vest W illiam pers i sted i n regarding me as a racing

,

man He co uld recall every entry i n the Cesarewitch

.

Sweeps t akes since 1 8 99 and did b u t faced wi th a pot ,

roast he ass u med a wooden i ncomprehension that woul d

,

have done credit to a Digger Indian It was W illiam s

’
.

O pinion freely given that cooked food was d ead foo d

, ,

and that I wo uld tripl e my energy by l ivi ng on fronds .

He knew a h u ndred different ways of preparing bran ,

each more ghastl y than the last F or an avowed vegetarian .

“
o r raw fooder -
as he described himsel f) he Spent his
, ,

l eis u re in a p u zzling eno ugh fash i on polishing and whet ,

ting the s u perb collection of Sw edish steel carving kn ives

which was the one relic of his former magnificence .

W illiam h adn t been with us l ong before I b egan to

’

6
c overed some parcel s which l ai d en d to end turne d out , ,
“
to be the body of a man The Victim s sister whom the.
’

,
”
a u thori ties wo uld like to q u estion the acco u n t added , ,
“ ”
i s at present tho u ght to be i n La tvia Far from being i n .

Latvia the vic tim s sis t er was s tan ding at tha t exac t mo
,
’

ment peering over my sho ulder in good Old T inic u m

T ownship Pennsyl vania I cleared my throat and edged
,
.

a little closer to the fire tongs .

“
W hat do yo u make of this I lyeana? I asked I knew ,
”
.

damn well what she made of it b u t yo u have to begin ,

so m e w h ere .

“
Ah this happen every ti me I get good job she said
, , .

Al ways pickin On me W ell I gu ess I go u p there and

’
.
,

take a l ook at him I know that head of hair anywhere

. .

At the station I lyeana bo u ght a ticket to Savannah

, ,

which wo u ld seem a rather circ u itous ro u te to the D O

minion b u t nobo d y was surpised least of all the passenger
, ,

agent W hat w ith people wi nging thro u gh to M artiniq u e

.
,

Au stralia and similar exotic climes that little New Jer

, ,

sey depot could give cards and spades to Sh eph eard s

’

Hotel in Cairo And speaking of Spades co uld anybody

.
,

put me on to one named Uncl e Pompey wi th a frizzy ,

wh i te po ll and a deft hand for gri ts ?

 S O M EW H E R E A R O S CO E

Th i s is th e story of a mind that foun d i tsel f .

Abo u t two years ago I was moody discon t ented restless , , ,

almos t a character in a Ru ssian novel I u sed to lie on my .

bed for days drinking tea o u t of a glass ( 1 was one of the

first i n this co u n try to drink tea o ut of a glass ; at tha t
time fashionable people drank fro m th en c u pped hands ) .

Undernea th I was s till a lively fun loving American b oy

, ,
-

who liked no thing better than to fish wi th a ben t pin I n .

short I had become a remarkable combination of Ras

,
~
k olnik ov and M ark T idd .

One day I realized how introspec t ive I had grown and

“
decided t o talk to mysel f like a D utch u ncle L u ik here .
,

”
M ynheer I began ( I won t gl v e yo u the accent b ut
’

, ,

“
honestly i t was a rio t ) yo u ve overtrained Yo u re s tale
,
’
.
’
.

—
Open u p a few new Vis tas go o u t and ge t some fresh
a ir ! W ell I hustled a b o ut threw some things I nto a
”
, ,

—
bag orange peels apple cores and the like and wen t out
,
—

for a walk A few minu t es la t er I picked u p from a park

.

bench a tat t ere d p ulp magaz me called Spicy D e tec tiv e .

T alk a b o ut yo u r tu rning poin t s !

I h 0pe no b ody m i nds my making love i n p ublic b u t if ,

C ultu re P ublica tions Inc of 9 00 M arke t Street W il

,
.
, ,

mrng ton Delaware will have me I d like t o marry them

’
.
, , ,

—
Yes I know call i t a school b oy cru sh p u ppy love th e -
, , ,

senseless in fa tua tion of a callow yo uth for a middle aged -

,

worldly wise p ublishing ho u se; I s till don t care I lov e

-
’
.

them beca u se they are the p ublishers of not only Spicy

9
D e tectiv e b ut also Spicy W estern Spicy M ys tery an d ,

Spicy Adv en ture And I love them most because their

.

p rose i s so soft and warm .

“
Arms and the man I Si ng sang Vergil some twenty ,

c ent u ri es ago prepari ng to celeb rate the wanderings of

,

Aeneas I f ever a motto was t ailormade for the mas thead

.

of Cult u re P ublications Inc i t is Arms and the W 0 ,

.
,
“

”
man for in Spicy De tec tiv e they have achieved the
,

sa u ciest blend of libi do and murder this side of Gilles de

Ra i s They have j ux taposed the steely a u tomatic and the
.

frilly panti e and found that it pays off Above all they .
,

have given the world Dan T urner the apotheosis of all ,

pri v ate detectives Out of M a Barker by Dashiell Ham

.

mett s Sam Spade let him characteriz e h i msel f i n the

’

”
O pen i ng paragraph of Corpse i n the Cl oset from the ,

July 1 9 37 i ssue :
, ,

I Opened my bedroom closet A halfd ressed feminine corpse .

-

sagg ed into my arms I t s a damned screwy feeling to

.
’

reach for paj amas and find a cadaver ins tead .

M r T urner you will perceive i s a man of senti ment

.
, , ,

and it occas i onally gets him into a tight corner For exam .

“ ”
ple i n Killer s Ha rvest ( Jul y 1 9 38 ) he i s reta i ned to
,
’

escort a yo u ng matron home from the Coc oanut Grove

in Los Angel es

Zarah T renw ick was a w ow in a gow n of silver l amé that

stu ck to her l u sh cu rv es like a c oat i ng of va rnish H er makeu p .

was perfect; her strapless dress displayed plenty of evidence

that she still owned a cargo of lure Her bare shoulders were .

snowy d impled T he upp er l e s of her b reas t were squ ee z ed

, p .

l o
up ward and partly ov erflowed the tight bodice like whipped ,

crea m .

To put i t m ildly Dan cannot res ist the appeal of a

,
“
pretty foot and disposing of Zarah s drunken h u sband ( I
,
’

clipped him on the button His hip pockets bounced on .

the he takes th i s Charlo t te ru sse to her apartment .

Alone with her the poli ceman in him s u cc u mbs to the

,

man and she fed me a kiss that throbbed all the way
“
,
”
down my fall en arches when suddenly ,

”
F rom the doorway a roscoe sai d Kach ow ! and a Sl ug
c reased the si d e of my noggi n N eon li ght s expl od ed i nsi de my .

think tank -
She was as d ead as a stu ffed mon goose
I wasn t badly hurt But I don t like to b e shot at I d on t like
’
.
’
.
’

dames to b e rubb ed out when I m fl i nging w oo a t them

’

W i th an i rri tabl e Shrug Dan phones the hom i c i de d e ,

tail and reports Zarah s passing in this tender obit u ary :

’

“
Zarah T renwick just got blasted to hellangone i n her
tepee at the G ayb oy Drag y our underwear over here.

”
and bri ng a meat wagon Then he goes i n search of the
-
.

o ffender
drove over to Arg yle; parked in front of F ame Trenw ick s
I ’

mod est stash l thu mb ed th e b ell The d oor Opened A . .

- —
Chi nk hou se b oy gave me the sl ant eyed focu s M i ssa T len
“
.

wick, him Sleep You go way, come tomollow T oo l at e fo

’
. .

”
I said N erts to you, Confucius, and gave him a
shove on the b eez er .

Zarah s husban d wrenche d out of be d without the Silly

’

formali ty of a search warrant establishes an alibi depend ,

r

11
i ng u pon one Nadine W endell In a tri ce Dan crosses the
.

ci ty and makes his gentle way in t o the lady s bo u doir only

’

to discover again what a fra il vessel he is an fo n d :

Th e fragrant scent of her red hai r t i ck l ed my smell er; the

warmth of her sli m you ng form set fire to my a rterial system .

After all, I m as human as the next gazabo

’
.

Th e next gazab o must be all too h u man beca u se Dan ,

betrays first Nadine and then her secret; namely that she ,

pis tolled Zarah T renw ick for reasons too n u mero u s to

mention I f yo u feel yo u m u st know them they appear on
.
,

age 1 1 0 cheek by jowl with some fascinating adver t ise

p ,

men ts for l oaded d ice and weal thy sweethearts ei ther of ,

which will b e sent you i n pla i n w raD per if yo u ll fo rward a

’

dollar to the M ajestic Novelty Company of Janesville ,

W iscons in .

T h e deeper one goes i nto the Dan T urner saga the ,

more on e is s t ru ck by the s i m ilarity between the case con

fronting Dan in the c u rrent i ss u e and those in the past .

Th e m u rders follow an exact rigid pattern almost like th e

,

ri tual of a b ullfight or a class i c Chinese play T ake Veil ed

.

”
Lady i n the October 1 9 37 n u mber of Spicy De tec tiv e
, , ,
.

Dan is fl inging some woo at a M rs Brantham in her apart

.

ment at the excl u sive G ayb oy Arm s wh i ch apparently ex

,

clud es everybod y but assass i n s

”
From b ehi nd me a roscoe b el ched Chow chow ! A pair of
-

slugs bu ed past my l eft ear al most nicked my cranium M rs

zz , . .

B rantham sag ged b ack agai nst the pill ow of the l ou nge
She w as as d ead as an i ced catfi sh .

12
 Or this Vignette from Fall i ng Star out of the Septem ,

b er 1 9 36 i ssue
, ,
.

T he roscoe sai d Ch ow ! and Spat a s treak of fl ame pas t my

”

shoulder T he F il ipi no c utie w as lying where I d last seen

’

her She was as dead as a s moked herri ng

. .

An d agai n from Dark Star of Death January

, , ,
1
938

F m a b edroom a rosc oe said :

ro — —
W hr r ran V and a ead
7
l pill
g
Spl it th e oz one past my n og g in K ane F ew ster w as on th e
floor T here was a bullet hole through his think tank
.
-
. He was
as dead as a fri ed oyst er .

And still agai n from Brunette Bump Off M ay

,
-
, ,
1
938

And hen, from t b eyond the b ed a roscoe

p
an O e n w n d ow i ,

c ou gh ed
“
K a ch ow !-
”
—
I said W hat th e h ell l and hi t ,
“ ”

the fl oor with my s mell er A b runette j ane w as lying

there hal f out of the mu ssed covers
, She w as as dead as .

Vau d eville .

Th e next phase in each Of these dramas foll ows with all

the cold be a u ty and I nev I tab ility of a legal brief T he ros .

coe has hardly Spoken coughed or belched before Dan is

, ,

Offthrough the canebrake his nostril s filled w i th the heavy

,

scent of Nu it de No el Somewhere in some dimly lit b ou

.
,

d oir waits a vol u ptuous p arcel of womanhood who knows

,

all abo u t the horri d deed E ven if Sh e doesn t Dan makes

.
’

a ro u tine check anyway Th e prem i ses are invariab ly .

guarded by an Oriental whom Dan i s obliged to expunge .

Compare the scene at Fane T renw rck s modest s tash with ’

“ ”
this one from Fi nd That Corpse ( November 1 9 37) ,
 A sleepy Chink maid in paj amas answ ered my ring She was .

a cute little sl an t eyed nu mb er I sai d I S M r P ol nak h ome?

“ ”
-
. . z

She shook her head H im up on l ocat ion in Flesno B ee n

“
. .

n e two w eek i k I ll h ve a g “
I d h m
’

g o sa T
. an s a an d er for
y .

self I pushed past her She started to yip

.
”
Shut up ! I
.
“ ”

rowled She k e t on t ryi ng t o m ake a noise So I popp d h

g p . e er .

on the button She dropped . .

It is a fa irly safe bet that M r P olznak has forgotten the .

adage that a watched pot never boils and has left behind a
dewy eyed coryphée clad in the min i mum of ch i ffon de
-

mand ed by the postal authoriti es T h e poet i n Dan in .

eluctab ly vanq ui shes the fl atfoot Dark Star of Deat

“
I glued my glims on her blond lovel i ness ; couldn t help ’

mysel f T he covers had ski dded down from her gorgeous

.
,

d impled Shoulders ; I could see plenty of delishful she ,

mal e ep i derm i s Th e tr u mpets blare again ; some expert

”
.

”
c apework by our torero and Brunette Bump off ) ,
-

“
Then she fed me a k is s that sent a charge of steam pa st
my gozzle W ell I m as h u man as the next gink
,
’
.

F rom then on the a u thor s typewri ter keys i n fallibl y

,
’

fuse in a l u mp of hot metal and it s all over but the shout ’

i ng of the culprit and Look M en : O n e H u n dre d Breezy “

,

”
Fotos ! Back i n his stash his roscoe sa fely within reach , ,

Dan T u rner lays h i s weary noggin on a pillow resting up ,

for the November i ssue And unless you re going to need .

’

me for something th i s afternoon I i ntend to do the sam e ,

.

I m hushed
’
.
 —
PAN K E N You said before i t was the mum ps .

—
B R I SKI N ( wi th a fa talis tic shr u g ) Th e mumps th e —
—
go u t go arg u e with City Hall .

PAN K E N ( kin dly pass ing him a b o wl ) Here take a

,
-
,

piece fru it .

—
B E I SK I N ( che win g ) I t ain t bad for wax fru it
’

, .

—
PAN K E N ( w i th prid e ) I painted it mysel f .

—
B E I SK I N ( rej ecti n g the fr ui t ) P too ! Slave psychology !
RIVKIN ( s u d d en ly half to himself ha lf to th e Party )
, ,

I g ot a belly full of stars baby Yo u make me feel like I

, .

swallowed a Roman candl e .

P RA SK I N ( c urio us ly ) W h at s wrong wi th the kid ?

— ’

RI SKIN W hat s wrong wi th all of us ? Th e sys t em ! T w o

— ’

y ears he and Claus s daughter ’

s been ma k i ng oo oo eye s
g g
’

b ehind the old man s back

’
.

—
PRA SKI N SO what ?
R I S KIN ( scornfully ) So what ? E CO H O I I I I C determ i n i sm !
-

W hat do you th i nk the kid s name is J Pierpont Rivkin ?

— ’
.

He a i n t even got for a bottle Dr Brown s Celery T onic

’
.
’
.

I tell you it s like gall in my mo uth tw o yo u ng peopl e

,
’

shouldn t have a room where they co uld make great music

’
.

—
RANKIN ( w arnin gly ) Shhh ! Here she comes now !
( S te ll a C lau s e n ters c arryin g a porta b le ph o n ograp h She
,
.

an d Ri v k in e m b race p lace a recor d on th e t u rn ta b le an d

, ,

b e gin a v ery s lo w w altz u n m in dful tha t the pho n ograph

,

“ ”
is p layin g Co h en on th e T elepho n e )
—
ST ELLA ( dream ily ) Love me sugar? ,

—
R IVKI N I can t sleep I can t eat that s how I l ove you
’ ’ ’
.
, ,

Yo u re a do u ble malted wi th two Scoops of whipped

’

cream ; yo u re the moon ri s ing over M osholu Parkway;

’

16
 yo u re a two weeks vaca tion at Camp N itg edaig et! I d
’ ’ ’

p ull down the Chrysler B u ilding to make a bo bb ie pin

for yo u r hair !
—
ST E LLA I ve got a stomach full of ang u ish Oh Rivv y
’
.
,
,
”
wha t ll we do ?
’

—
PAN K EN ( sympa th e tic ally ) He re try a piece fru it .
,

RIVKIN ( fierc ely ) W ax fr u i t that s been my whol e

— — ’

l i fe ! Imi ta ti ons ! Su bs ti tut es ! W ell I m thro ugh ! Stella ,

’

tonigh t I m t elling yo u r Old man He can t play mum

’
.
’
«

b lety peg wi th two h u man b el ng s ! ( Th e tin k le of s leigh

-

b ells is h ear d o ffs tage fo llo w e d b y a v oice s hou tin g

, ,

“
W hoa D as her ! W h oa D an cer ! A m omen t la ter S
, ,
”
.

Cla u s en ters i n a gu s t of m oc k s n o w He is a pompou s .

—
b o urgeois of s ix ty fiv e w ho affec ts a whi t e b eard an d a
fal s e air of b en ev olen ce B ut ton ight the rud dy co lo r is
.

missing fro m his cheek s his s tep fa lters an d he mo v es

, ,

heav ily The gn omes hastily rep lace th e marzip an thev

.

hav e b een filching ) .

STELLA ( anxiou s ly ) Papa ! W h at did the speci al ist say

—
to yo u ?
CLAUS ( b rok enly ) The biggest profess or in th e coun
-

try the best cardi ac man that money could buy .

I tel l you I was like a wild man .

—
ST E LLA P u ll yoursel f together Sam ! ,

—
C LAU S It s no use Adhesions diabet es sleeping sick
’
.
, ,
:

,
—
ness decalcoman ia oh my G od ! I got t o c ut o u t climb
,

,
—
i ng in chimneys he says me San ford Claus the Digg est , ,

toy concern i n the world !

E —
ST LLA ( soothingly ) After all it s only one man s ,
’ ’

O pinion .
 —
C LAUS No no he cook ed my goose I m like a broken
, , .
’

uke a ft er a Yosian picnic Rivkin ! .

—
RIV KIN Y es Sam , .

—
C LAUS M y boy I had my eye on you for a long time
, .

You and Stella tho u ght yo u were t oo foxy for an old man ,

didn t you ? W ell let bygones b e bygones Stella do you

’

, .
,

l ove this gnome ?

—
ST E LLA ( simply ) He s the whole stage Show at th e ’

M usic Hall Papa ; he s T oscamm cond u cting Beethoven s’ ’

Fifth ; he s ’

—
CLA US ( c u r tly ) E nough al ready T ake h i m F rom now . .

on he s a partner i n the firm ( As all exclaim Claus holds

’
.
,

up his h a n d for s ilen ce ) And tonight he can take my .

ro u te and make the deliveries It s the least I co uld do for .

’

my own flesh and blood ( As the happy co u ple kiss Cla u s

‘

.
,

Wipes a w ay a s usp icio u s mo is tu re an d turn s to the oth er

gnom es ) Boys do you know what day tomorrow i s ?
.
,

G N O M E S ( crow din g arou n d expec tan tly ) Christmas ! -

C LAU S Correct W hen you look in yo u r envelopes t o

— .
«

,
’
—
night you ll find a little present from me a forty percen t -

pay c u t And the first one who opens his trap gets this
.
— .

As h e h o ld s up a tear gas b o m b an d b eams at th e m th e

( -
,

gno mes u tter cries of joy join hands an d dan ce aro u n d , ,

him Sho u tin g exu ltan tly All except Ri s kin an d E ris kiu .
,

that is wh o exchan ge a q u i c k gla n ce an d go und ergrou n d )

,
.

C URTAIN
 ’
T H E I DOL S EYE

b een week end ing w ith Gabri el Snub

I h ad -

”
bers at his v ill a T he Acacias on the edge of the Downs
, ,
.

Gabriel isn t seen abo u t as much as he u sed to be ; one

’

hears that an eccentric aunt l eft him a tidy little sum and
the lazy beggar refu ses to leave h i s native haunts F our of .

us had cycled down from London together : G oss ip G a

b rilowitsch the Polish pianist ; Downey 9 031011 the Irish

, me w-
0m
m ;
7

tenor; Frank F alcpy sk y the Jewi sh prowl er and myself

W W W W M W , , ,

e lf ng Snubbers his face be am i ng met us at the

Claq dl .
, ,

keeper s lodge His eyes were set in deep rolls Of fat for o u r
’
.

arrival and I co uldn t help th i nking how well they looked

,
’
.

I wondered whether it was b ecause his dari ng farce M rs ,

.

Ste b b ins Step I ns had been do i ng so wel l at the Hay

’
-
,

market .

“
Deuced decent of you chap s to make th is fil thy tri p ,

he told us l eading u s u p the great avenu e of two sta t ely

,

“ ”
alms toward the ho u se Rum place t h i s A s u rp rise .
, .

awaited us when we reached the house for the en t ire le ft ,

wing had j u st burned down Snubbers poor fellow s tared .

, ,

at it a bit ruefully I thought , .

“
Just as well It was only a pl ague Spot sympathized
.
-
,

Falcov sky Sn u bbers was thoughtful

. .

“ ”
D ye know yo u chaps he said s ud denly I co uld
’

, , ,

”
swear an a u nt of mine was staying in tha t wing F alcov sk y .

stirred the ashes with his s tick and u ncovered a p air of

—
kn itti ng needles and a half cha rred corset .

“
N O it m u s t have b een the o ther wing
, dismis sed ,

19
Snubbers How abo u t a spot of whisky and soda ? W e
.

entered and Lit tlejohn Sn u bbe rs man brought in a Spot

’

, ,

of whisky on a piece of paper which we all examined wi th

interest A Splendid fire was already roaring in the middle

.

of the floor to drive o u t the warmth .

“ ”
Soda ? o ffered Sn u bbers I took it to pl ease him for .
,

G abriel s cellar was rep u tedly excellent A second later I

’
.

Wi shed that I had dr u nk the cellar instead Baking soda .

is hardly the thing a fter a three ho u r bicycle trip -

.

“ ”
You drank that like a li t tle s oldier he compl i mented , ,

his l i t tle button eyes fastened on me I was about to re .

mark that I had never dru nk a li ttle soldier when I notice d ,

Littlejohn h ov en ng I n the doorway .

“
Yes that will be all Snubbers waved and oh by
, , , , ,

the way send up to London tomorrow for a new wi ng

, ,

”
will yo u ? Li ttl ejohn bowe d an d l eft silen tly sleekl y , ,

ueer cove Littl ejohn commented Snubbers Shall

, ,
.

”
I tell yo u a story? He did and it was one of the d ullest ,

I have ever heard! At the end of i t F alcov sk y grunted .

Sn u bbers s u rv eyed him Su spicio u sly .

“
W hy what s u p old man he q u eri ed
,
’
?
,
”
.

W ha t s up? No thing s u p snarled F alcov sk y Can t

’ ’

,
.
’

”
a man gru nt in front of an open fire if he wants to ?
“
B ut began Sn u bbers .

“ ”
B u t no thing F alcov sk y gra t ed You haven t l ived
,
.
’

t ill yo u ve gru n t ed in front of an open fire J u s t for tha t

’
.

”
gru nt gru n t gru n t and he gru nted several times o u t of
, , ,

sheer Spite T h e baking soda was beginning to tel l on

.

Sn ubbers .

20
 Remarkable thing happened the other day he began ,

I was po tt ering abo u t I n the garden

Wh y must one always potter aroun
“

“
d in a garden ?
“
demanded Co u ch Can t you potter around i n an arm
.
’

”
chai r just as well ?
“ ”
I did once confessed Snubbers moodily revealing a
, ,

“
wh i ti sh scar on h i s chin Gad sir what a wildcat she .
, ,

”
w as ! He chewed his wad of carbon p aper reminisc
“
—
Oh well never mind But as I was saying I was go i ng
,
.
,

through some Of my great grandfather s th i ngs the othe r

’
-

W hat th i ngs ? demanded F alcov sky

‘
.

”
H is bones if you must know Snubbers sa i d col dly
, ,
.

You know Great grandfather di ed under strange crr

,
- n

”
c umstances He opened a V6 11] I n h i s bath
. .

“ ”
I never knew bath s had veins protested Gabril ,
'

owitsch .

“
I never knew —
h i s great gran dfather
ha d a b a began
F alcov sk y d en srv ely W i th a shout Sn u bbers threw him
.

self on F alc ov sk It was the Si gnal for Pand emomum the

y .
,

upsta i rs girl to enter and throw hersel f wi th a Shout on

,

Couch The outcome Of the necking bee was as follows

.

Canad ians 1 2 Visitors 9 Krebs and Vronsky played footi e

, .
,

subb i ng for Gerber and W einwald who were di sabl ed by ,

flyi ng antipasto .

W e were Silent after Snubbers had Spok en; men who *

h ave wandered in far places have an innate delicacy about

their great grandfathers bones Sn ubbers face was a m ask
-
’
.
’

his voice a harsh whip of pa i n I n the stillness when he

Spoke aga i n .
 I fancy none of you knew my great gran dfather he -
,
“
said slowly Befo re yo u r time I daresay A rare giant of
.
, .

a man wi th q u izzical eyes and a great shock of wi ry red

hair he had come thro u gh the Penins ular W ars wi tho u t
,

a scratch W omen loved this impetual Irish adventu rer

.

who wo uld ra ther fight than ea t and vice versa The wars .

over he t u rned toward cookery plann i ng to devote his

, ,

failing years to the perfec t ion of the welsh rarebit a dish ,

he loved One n i ght he was chafing at T h e Bit a tavern I n

.
,

P ortsmouth when he overheard a chance remark from a

,

b rawny gunner s mate i n his c u ps In Calcutta the man

’
.

had heard native tales of a mysterious i dol whose single ,

e e was a flawless r u by
y
T opscuttle my b amberger i t s the 312 6 of a b loomin
‘ ’ ’
,

pigeon s egg ! Spat the salt Shi fting his q u id to his other
’ ’

cheek A b loomin rajah s ransom and ye may lay to that

.
‘ ’ ’

mateys !
’

T he fo ll o wi ng morn i ng the M aid of H u ll a frigate

“
,

—
of the l ine mo u nting thirty Six g u ns o u t of Bath and into ,

bed i n a twinkling dropped downstream on the tide , ,

bo u nd o u t for Bombay object matri mony On her as pas ,

.

senger went my great grand father an extra pair of nan -

,

k een pants and a dirk his only b a ggage Fi fty three days .
-

later in Poona he was heading for the interi or of one of

,

the Northern states Living almost entirely on cameo .

brooches and the few ptarmigan which fell to the ptrigger

of h is pfowl in g piec e he at las t Sigh t ed the towers of Ish
,

e min g the H oly City of the Su rds and Cosines fanat i c

p , ,

M ohammedan wa rrior sects He disg ui sed h i mself as a .

beggar and entered the gates .

22
h urtling i nto the n ight The note p i nn ed to the wi n dow
.

d rained the blood from his face .

“
It was the first of a series Overnight his hai r turned .

from rose red to snow white And finally when it seemed

- -
.
,

as tho u gh madnes s were to rob th em of the i r revenge th ey ,

”
c am e .

Snubbers stoppe d his eyes th ose of a man who had

,

looked beyond l i fe and had seen things best left hidden

from morta l orbs F alcov sky s han d was trembl i ng as he
’
.

pressed a pinch of snuff against his gums .

“
—
You you mean ? he quav elled ”
.

“
Yes Snubbers vo i ce had su nk to a Whi sper H e
.
’
.

fought wi th the strength of nine devil s but the movers ,

”
took away his pian o You see he adde d very gently
.
,
“
Great grandfather had missed the l ast four i nstal ments
-
.

Gabrilowi tsch s ighe d d eepl y and arose his eyes fixed in ,

tently on S nubbers .

“
— ”
And and the ruby? he ask e d softly his deli cate fin ,

gers clos i ng aro u nd the fire tongs -

.

“ ”
Oh tha t sh rugged Snubbers I j u st threw that i n to
, , ,

m ake i t i nteresting .

W e bashe d i n his conk and l eft him to the vul tures .

 B E A UT Y
AN I ) TH E B EE

al ways something of a shock to approach a

I t is
newsstand which handles trade p ublica t ions and find the
Corse t an d Un derw ear R ev ie w displayed next to the
Am eri can B ee Jou rnal However newsstands make strange
.
,

bedfellows as anyone who has ever Slept w ith a news

,

stand can testi fy and if yo u think abo u t it at all ( ins t ead of

,

sitting there in a torpor wi th yo u r mo uth hal f O pen ) yo u d -

’

see this proxrmity i s not only alphabetical Bo th the Corse t .

an d Un d erw e ar R ev ie w and the Am eric an B ee Jo u rn al are

concerned wi th honeys ; al though I am beas t enough to

prefer a pho tograph of a s u cc ulent nymph I n sa t in Lastex ’

G irdl eI ere wi th T h rill P lu s Bra to the most drama ti c

snapsho t of an aprary each has its place i n my scheme
,
.

The Corse t an d Un d erw e ar R ev iew which originates ,

at the Haire P ublishing Company 1 1 70 Broadway New , ,

York Ci ty i s a magaz ine for jobbers W hatever else a

, .

corset jobber i s he is certai nly nobody s fool The first

,
’
.

seven ty pages of the magazine comprise an albu m of

s uperbly formed mo d els po sed i n vario u s a tti tu des of
sweet Su rrender and shea thed in cunning artifices of
whalebone s t eel and webbing Some indication of what
, , .

M ilady u ses to give hersel f a piq u ant fron t el evation may

b e had from the foll owing l ist O f goodies displayed at the
Hotel M cAlpin Corset Show repo rted by the M arch
, ,

1
9 35
,
C orse t an d U n d erw ear R ev iew : F lashe s an d

F ilmy s Speedies and F lexees Sensa t ions and Th rills

, , ,

Snug fits and E ven P uls Rite Flex and Free Fl ex Smooth
-
,
- -
,
‘

25
ies and Silk Skins Imps and T een s La T riques an d Wa iki
-
,
~ ,
°

kis Sis and M odern M iss Sta D owns and Props Over
, ,
-
,

T u res and Reflecti ons Lilys and Irenes W ill o th wi5 ps , ,

- -

an d W illow ays M iss Smar t ie and M isSimplic ity P rincess

, ,

Yo u th and Princess Chic M iss T oday and Soiree Kor , ,

d ettes and F ranc ettes Paristyles and Rengo Belts Vas , ,

sarettes and F oun d ettes Fans and Fade Aways Beau , ,

Sveltes and Beau Formas M adame Adrienne and M iss ,

T ypist Sto u t ez e and L ac ez e Symphony and Rhapsody

,
-
, ,

N aturad e and Her Secret Rollees an d T wi n T 0ps , ,

—
Charma and V E t t e La Camille an d L a T ec ,
”
.

M y neck ord i naril y an alabaster col umn began to

, ,

turn a d u ll re d as I forge d through the pages of the Corse t

“
an d Un d erw ea r R ev ie w i nto the secti on cal l ed Buyer “

News W ho but Sir John Su ckl i ng coul d have ach i eved

.
”

th e l eer i ng sensual ity of a poem by M rs Adel l e M ahone .

,

San F ranc i sc o representative of the Holly wood M axwell -

“
Company whom the magazi ne cl ubs The Bra ssiere Bard
,
”
of the Bay Di stri ct ?

—
O ut of tow n b u ersl— du ri ng you r s tay
y
-

At the M cAlpin see our new display ,

.

There are b ras for the you ng s upp ort for the old , ,

Up h ere for the shy down to there for the b ol d,

.

W e ll have lace and nets and fab rics s uch as

’

Stu rdy b roadcl oths and s at i ns lus ci ou s .

W e ll gladly help your profits trans form

’

I fyou ll come up to our room and watch u s perform

’
.

O ur new nu mb ers are right from the Coast

Snappy and s mart wait ! w e mu s t no t b oas t
,
-

W e ll jus t u rge y outo come and solicit your s mil es

’

So drop in and order yo u r Hollywo od s tyl es .

26
 One l eaves the l acy chin oiseries of the Corset an d Um
derwear R ev iew with reluctance and turns to the bucol i c
American B ee Jou rn al p u blished at Hamilton Illinois by
, , ,

C P Dadan t Here Sex is whittled down to a mere nub

. . .
o

bin ; everything i s as clean as a wh i stle and as dull as a

hoe The b e e i s the pe tit b o urgeois of the i nsect worl d an d
.
,

h i s keeper i s a sel f sufficient s tooge who needs and will get

-

no introduction to you T he pages of the American B ee

.

“
ourn a l are studded with cocky l i t tle essays like Need of
J ”
Better M eth ods of Controlling Ameri can F oulbrood
“
and The Swarm i ng Season in M an i tob a It is only i n .
”

The E d i tor s Answers a query column conducted by M r

“ ’
.
,

D adant that M r Average Beekeeper removes h is mask

, .

and perm i ts us to peep at the warm vibrant human b e ,

“
neath The pl ight of the reader who signs himsel f Ill i
.

”
no i s ( I ve seen tha t name somewhere ) is typi cal
’

I w ould lik e to know the easiest way to get a swarm of b ees

which are lodged in betw een the walls of a house T he w alls .

are of b i ck and they are i n the d ead air spac e T hey h ave b een
r -
.

there for about three years I w ould l ik e to know method to

.

use t o get the b ees not c onc erned ab out the h oney
, .

editor di smisses the question wi th some clap trap

Th e
”
abo u t a bee smoker which i s too ridiculo u s to repeat .

“ ”
The best bet I see for Ill i noi s i s to play upon the weak
nes s of all bees Take a smal l boy smeared with honey
.

an d l ower him between the walls Th e bees will fas t en .

themselves to him by the hundreds and can be scraped

off when h e I S pulle d up after wh i ch the boy can be ,

thrown away If no small b oy smeare d wi th honey can

.
be found it may be necessary to take an ordinary small
,

boy and smear him which sho uld be a pleas u re

, .

From the Blue Gras s comes an even more perplexed

l etter :
I have b een ordering a few queens every year and they are
always sent as first class mail and a e throw n off the fast trains
-
r

that pass here at a Speed of 60 miles an h our D o you think it .

d oes the qu eens any harm by throw i ng th em off these fast

trains? You know they get an aw ful j ol t when they hit the
grou nd Some of these queens are very slow ab out doing any
.

—
thi ng after they are put in the hiV6 KENTUCKY . .

I have no desire to poach on George W ash i ngton

Cable s domain but if that isn t the furthest North in
’

,
’

Sou th em gallantry kno wn to man I ll eat his collected

’

works i n M acy s wi ndow at h igh noon It will interest

’
.

ev ery lover of chival ry to know that s i nce the above letter

was p ublished queen b ees i n the B l ue G rass have been
,

treated wi th new consideration by ra ilroad o fficial s A .

T urkey red carpet s i milar to that used by th e T wen tieth

-

Centu ry Limited i s now unroll ed as the tra i n stops an d ,

each queen bl u shing to the very roots of her antennae is

, ,

escorted to her hive by a uni formed porter Th e ro u sing .

strains of the cakewalk the com ical antics of the darkies

, ,

th e hiss of fried chicken sp ut tering in the pan all com ,

bine t o make the scene unforgettable .

“
But the predicament of both Illino i s and Ken
”
tucky pale into insignificance besi de the problem pre
sented by another reader :
I have b een asked to talk on b ees at a nearby church some
“

ev e ni ng in the fall T h ou gh I have kep t b ees for ten years I

.
,

28
am tiff because not a man in the audience knows a
scared s

thing about b ees and I am afraid of being too technical .

I plan to take al ong Specimens of qu een drone and w orker , ,

al so a gl ass ob servat ory h ive w ith b ees smoker and t ool s an , ,

ext ra hive and possibly some qu een c ell c u ps etc

, , .

Coul d y ou su gg est any man ipulati ng that might b e done for

the ed ification of the au d ience ? I v e seen pic tu res of stu nts
“ ” ’

that have b een w orked like maki ng a beard of bees; and I v e

,
’

heard of throw i ng the b ees out in a ball only to have them

retu rn to the h ive w i th out b oth eri ng anyone B u t I d on t
’
.
,

k now how these stu nts are d one nor d o I know of any that 1 ,

c oul d d o w i th safety ( I d on t mi nd gett i ng a sti ng or tw o my

’
‘
.

s el f but I don t want anyone in the audience to get stu ng or 1

,
’

mi ght l ose my au d ience ) .

I v e only Op ened hives a few t imes at nigh t but never liked

’

the job as the b ees seem to fly up into the light and sti ng very
readily T hat makes me w on der w h ether an m anip ul at i ng
.
y
can b e d one in a room at ni ht
g .

H ow l ong b efore the affair w oul d I need to h ave the bees in

the oom to have them settle d ow n to the hive? N E w YORK
r — .

The only th ing wrong with New York is that he

just doesn t like bees In one of those unb u ttoned moods
’
.

everybody has a littl e giddy wi th cocoa and crullers he

, ,

allowed himself to be cajoled by the vestrymen and now , ,

face to face wi th his ordeal he is sick with l oa thing for ,

bees and vestrymen alike Th ere i s one sol u tion however .

, ,

and that i s for New York to Wrap himsel f tightly i n

“ ”

m u slin the night of the l ecture and stay i n bed with h i s

hat on If the vest rymen come for him l et h i m throw
.
,

the bees out i n a ball T o hell with whether they retu rn.

or not and that goes for the vestrymen too I t certainly

, , .

goes for me If I ever see the postman tr u dgi ng toward

.

29
my house with a Copy of the American B ee Journal,

going to lod ge myself in the dead air Space between the

-

walls and no amo u nt of small boys smeared with honey

will ever get me out And you be careful American B ee
.
,

o u r —
nal I b i te
J .
buy an even i ng paper and bury my hea d i n i t A l i ttl e .

whim of my wi fe s ; She liked to dig it up as a puppy does

’

a bone while I was s ipping my cockta il Later on I taught

,
.

her to frisk with a ball of yarn but to get back to what ,

happened W ash i ngton s B i rthday ’

“

I was hurryi ng homeward th at holiday afterno on

“
pretty m u ch i n the groove humm i ng an ari a from T ill
,

”
Tom Spec i al and wi sh i n g I coul d play the cl arinet like a
man name d Goo d man Just as it occ urred to me that I
.

might drug th i s i ndivi dual and tortu re h i s secret o u t of

him I came abreast the wi ndow of the sh oestore conta i n
,

ing the bones of the human foot M y mouth suddenly de .

v eIO ed that cur i ous d r feel ing when I saw that they were
p y
vibrati ng as usual from north to so u th every li ttl e meta
, , ,

tarsal worki ng wi th the blandest c ontempt for all I hol d

dear I pressed my ear aga i nst the wi n d ow and heard the
.

faint clicking of the motor housed i n the bo x beneath A .

li ttle scratch here and there on the Shellac surface showed

where one of the more enterpri s i ng toes had tri e d to do
a solo but had qui ckly rejoined the band Not only was .

the entire arch rolling forward and backward in an o ily

fashion but i t had evolved an obscene s i de sway at the
,

same ti me a good dea l li ke the cla

,
u se av en tre M aybe th e .

foot had belonged to an Oul ed Na il gi rl but I felt I didn t

-
'

,
’

care to find o u t I was aware immediately of an active de

.

sire to ru sh home and lie down attended by my loved

ones Th e only trouble was that when I started to leave
.

the place I co ul d feel my arches acti ng according to all

,

the proper orthoped i c laws and I swear peopl e turne d to

,

l ook at me as i f they heard a cli cki ng soun d .

32
 Th e fu ll deviltry of the thing only becam e apparent
as I lay on my co u ch a bit la t er a vinegar po u l tice on my
,

forehead drinking a cup of steaming t ea Th at lit tle bevy

,
.

of bones had been oscillating back and forth all through

Danzig Pearl Harbor and the North African campaign ;

, ,

this very min u te it was und ul at ing tu rgidly heedless or ,

the fact the store had been closed two ho u rs F u rthermore .

if its progress were not impeded by the two w rreS snaffl ed

to the toes ( I ll give you that tho u ght to thrash aro u nd
’

wi th some sl eepless night ) it might by now have en

,

circled the world five times with a stopover at the,

E u chari stic Congress For a moment the implica tions

.

were so Shocking that I started u p alarmed B u t Since my .

loved ones had gone off to the movi es and there was no
body to impress I tu rned over and Slept like a top wi th
, ,

no assistance except three and a hal f grains of barbital .

I coul d have reached my workshop the next morning

by walking up Third Aven u e taking a cab up Lexington
, .

or even crawl ing on my hands and knees past the Shoe

store t o avo i d that indecent window display b u t my feet ,

won thei r unequal struggle wi th my brain and carried me

straight to the Spot Staring hypnotized at the macabre
.

—
sh u ffle ( hal fway between a rh u mba and a so ft Shoe step ) ,

I real ized that I was receiving a sign from ab ove to take

the matter in hand I spent the morni ng Shopping l ower
.

Third Aven u e and at noon dressed as an attache of the

, ,

Department of San i tation began to lo u nge noncha

,

lan tly before the s t ore M y broom was getting nearer and
.

nearer the w indow when the manager came o u t noise f

l essly M y ducks must have b een too snowy for he gave

.
,
o ne of h i s clerks a s i gnal an d a moment l ater a pol ice
m an turned the corner For t unately I had hidden my
.
,

c ivvies i n the lobby of Proctor s Fi fty eighth Street Th ea

’
-

t re and by the time the breathless policeman rushed i n

, ,

I had approached the wi cket as cool as a c u cumber asked ,

for two c u cumbers i n the balcony and Signed my name ,

for Bank Nite I flatter mysel f that I brought off the

.

a ffair rather wel l .

M y second attempt however was as fru i tl es s as the

, ,

first I padded my stomach wi th a pillow grayed my hair

.
,

at the temples and entered the Sh0p fiercely P ointing to

, .

the wh i te pipi ng on my vest I represented myself as a ,

portly banker from P ortland M ai ne and asked th e man, ,

ager what he woul d take for the assets and good will Spot ,

cash I was about to make h i m a firm offer when I found

.

myself b eing escorted out acros s the si dewalk the man ,

ager s foo t servi ng as ful crum

’
.

And there precisely the matter rests I have given

, , .

plenty of thought to the problem and there i s only one ,

sol u ti on Are there three yo u ng men in this city with

.
,

stout hearts and no dependents who know what I mean ? ,

W e can cl ean out that wi ndow wi th two well di recte d -

grenades and get away over the rooftop s Given hal f a .

b reak we ll st0p that grisly pas seul ten seconds after we

’

p ull o u t the pins with our teeth If we re ca ught there s .

’

,
’

always the cyanide in our belts Fi rst meeti ng tonight at .

n i ne i n front of the Railroad M en s and wear

’

a bl ue comflower Up the re b els ! .

 A B B Y,
T HI S I S YO UR FA THE R

A c e r t ai n weekl y p ubl i shed in fiv e cent-

Philadelphia wi th a sworn ci rculati on of h as

been given lately to a good deal of bl u shing and stammer
ing and o ther Signs of pretty con fu sion Nat u rally I can .

not v i olate pro fessional e th i cs by using real names but , ,

“
Spelled backward the legend on th e maga zi ne runs
,
T sop
”
G nin ev e Yadrutas E ht ( a catchy enough title for any
reader s m oney ) and it was fo u nded Anno D omin i 1 72 8
’

by Beljamir F lank ler I fope I mek mis cf clirr . .

The reason for all this dimpling and coloring up to the

roots of the ha i r 18 something the editors are modest
“ ”
eno ugh to term Post Luck On a number of occasions -

their articl es have been so ti mely as to seem almost clair~

.

voyant F or example a biography of W ill Rogers had

.
,

barely concl u ded before his dea th was anno u nced and ,

Si milarl y General W alter K riv itsk y ge b oren Sch melk a ,

Ginzberg forecast the Ru sso G erman n u pti als at a ti m e

,
-

when the happy couple was still issuing denials to friends

an d relati ves W ha t ever the mysteri ou s p i peline it pos
.

sesses to the i nfinite the Pos t i s constantly h iring the back

,

page of the New York Times to kiss its re fl ecti on in the

mirror and murm u r 0 0 you pitty Sing Throughout , ,
.

which of course Collier s waspishly pats i ts back hair into

, ,
’

place and pretends to be looking the other way B ut not .

long ago baker fresh from the edi to rial oven and as if to
,
-

c on fo u nd the skep t ics there came ano ther startl i ng proo f

,

of the Post s telepathy T he pl ace of honor i n one of the

’
.

35
late autu mn i ssues was given over to the Opening install
ment of M ary This I s Your M o th er by Ca therine Hayes
, ,
“
Brown sub h eaded T h e Un i que Story of Helen Hayes
, ,

as T old by Her M other Now hold your hats L ess than

.
”
.

a month before that La di es an d G en tle m e n a new play

, ,

b y Charles M acArth ur and Ben Hecht opened i n New ,

York and i n i ts l eading rOle was Helen H ayes ! W hy it s

, ,
’

eno u gh to make a body s flesh creep ’

.

Th e ep i stolary form i s a mold sancti fie d i n the ed i torial

r ooms of the Pos t where i t i s still remembered that
,

George Horace Lorimer the Great W hite Father of the,

Cu rtis p u blicati ons made a s i zabl e bale of scratch o u t of

,

ali t tle book called Le tters of a Se lf M a d e M ercha n t to H is

-

Son How many editions thi s early class i c atta i ned I do

.

not know but the last ti me I w an dered dow n Fourth

,

Avenue i t stil l covered the second hand b ookstores like -

a m u lch The trad i ti on was subsequently carried forward

.

i n the pages of the Pos t by W ill iam Hazlett Upson wi th

his letters of a tractor salesman and now as the torch , ,

drops from h i s nerv eless hand M rs Brown picks i t up,

.

with M ary This I S Yo ur M o ther T o me it seems a rather

, .
,

ro u ndabo u t way of telling a child abo u t i ts mother to

w rite i t letters i n a magazine which costs a nickel when ,

ou can dea l out a few cri sp facts r i ght i n the kitchen

y ,

b u t I supp ose i t cuts down the back talk considerably .

AS if th i s who l e a ffair were not Spooky eno u gh already ,

the very week M rs Brown began her revel ations the pres
.

ent writer s mother was on the verge of p ublishing some

’

l etters dealing wi th h i s career wh i ch She ha d written to her

g ran d daughter T h ey revea
. l an aston i sh i ng para ll el to
36
M rs Brown s l etters an d one that Should prove interesting
’
.

to all l overs of good clean parallels In reading them i t .

,

18 wel l to remem b er that many porti ons are in anapaestic

pentame ter as they were intended to be s u ng thro u gh

,

tiss u e paper stretched over a comb N O attempt has been .

made to edit the letters other than rem ovi ng the checks
th ey conta i ned an d ca sh i ng th em .

ABB Y D E AR
I am go i ng to wri te you a l ot of l etters ab out you r
daddy s early life and you just try and stop me And that
’

, .

goes for him too And what s more I m going to get them
.
’

,
’

printed i f I have to do i t on a hand press A M r Caxton . .

in the next block who i s very clever about such things

, ,

has j u st i nvente d movabl e type an d he has prom ise d to

,

help me .

E nclosed is a li ttl e remembrance for your b i rthday .

The green stones are what we call emeralds the whit e ,

Sparkly ones diamonds It costs about . i t is not

much to l ook at but will do you for ra i ny days
, .

Lovingly ,

GRANDM A

ABB Y D E AR
I suppose you often won d er what your daddy was l ike
as a small boy W ell he was just the most seri ous an d
.
,

sober l ittl e man you can i magi ne He had a l ong droop .

,

in
g Ve l vet Joe mustache d i ppe d snu f
f constantly
,
an d ,

was hea d bookkeeper for P ortfol i o Dugdal e the corn ‘

factors I d on t thi nk he ever really cared much about his

.
’
wi fe thougl he adore d h i s ch il dren ( he had three by
, u

the ti me he was seven years old ) He was always m oping

around i n a brown study and when people spoke to him
,

he would listen wi th only half an ear T o do h i m j u sti ce

.
,

that was all he had ; the bal ance had been cropped for
th i every so you can see he had som eth i ng to m 0pe about
, .

W hen he was about eight he stopped talki ng altO

,
v

gether and I took h i m to Ital y in an effort to revive his

,

Sp i ri ts He spoke only once W e were floati ng a l ong the

. .

Grand Canal i n a gondol a when a man attired as a Vene

ti an nobleman of the fourteenth centu ry l ost his footing
and toppl ed O f f the Bri dge of Si gh s Your daddy sm i led
.

“
wanl y and remarke d to n obo dy i n parti cula r It Should n t ’

happen to a doge .

I know how fon d y ou are of d riv ing aroun d these bri sk

autumn days b ut you must see your pony does nt catch
,
’

c o l d W ou l dn t we feel awful i f T oby dropped dead of

’ ”

p neumon i a o r someth i ng ? I have had aeck el s sti tch sev

J
’

eral ch i nch ill a coats into a warm mg for h i m an d make ,

sure h e take s i t off wh en he comes i nto the ho u se .

Devotedly ,

GRAN D M A

A BB Y D E AR
By the ti me your dad dy w as eleven he had made ,

enough money to retire and give up all h i s time to trans

l a ti ng the works of E lbert H ubba rd the Sage of Au rora
, ,

i nto Armenian which he cla i med would o u t sell The Trail

,
-

of th e Lo n esome P in e Unfortunately like al l successful

.
,

men he ha d made a good many enem i es i n bus iness an d

, ,

38
 twen ty one The expl anati on he gives to the world i s that
-
.

al tho u gh M ori a rty lay at the bottom of the R e i chenbach

Fall there still remai ned at large the secon d m ost dan
,

g ero ns man i n L ondon C olonel S ebastian M,

oran U nt i l .

su ch time as M oran would Sho w his hand y our daddy ,

says he am u sed h i mself by travel i ng i n T ibet payi ng a ,

Short but i nteresti ng visit to the Khalifa at Khartou m

( the res ults of wh i ch he comm u nicated to the F oreign

O ffice ) and do i ng some research i nto the coal tar deriva
,
-

tiv es at M on tpellier I may say that the who l e story is a

.

pack of li es .

Th e real facts are th ese On h i s fifteenth b i rthday I

.

to ok your daddy to a mati née at the Apoll o Burlesk and

afterward to Schrafi t s where he had three m i nt smashes
’ ’
.
,

On our way h ome we stopped i n front of one of those

shoddy aucti on rooms wh i ch line W est F orty secon d -

Street Th e a u cti oneer exhi b i ted a h i deous brown jard i

.

ni ere and offered i t to the first b i dder Next to us i n the .

crowd stood a lady holdi ng by the hand her ch il d who ,

chanced to be a Siamese twi n E ach of the twi ns wore on .

his h ead one of th ose avi ator hel mets so p opul ar wi th

“ ”
chil dren J ust a moment i nterposed your daddy
.
,

l oudly the pot goes to th i s l ady here ! W hy? scowled

,
“ ” “ ”

“
the aucti oneer Because She s got a pa i r of aces back to
.
’

”
back returned your daddy The crowd i mmediately
, .

rushed him and i nfl i cted such damage that we were s ix

years restori ng his face to a conditi on where d ogs no

longer h owl ed when they saw him .

Do y ou know where the T ebo Yacht Basin is dear? ,

W ell the next ti me you are i n New York an d find your

,

40
hotel tiresome tell the cab driver to take you over to
,

Brooklyn and go aboard the Corsair I I I bought i t for you

.

from M r M organ and it migh t b e a lark to Spend the nigh t

.

on y our very own little boat W hen yo u leave don t for

.
,
’
?

get to tell the captai n to scu t tle i t and oblige

,

Your ever ado ring

-

GRANDM A
 BUFFA L O S O F u mWOR LD ,

UN I TE !

Any b yod who happene d to be a buffa l o l a st

year ( or was s u pporti ng d u ring h i s taxable year one or

more b u ffalos closely dependent u pon him ) is going to
h ave a pret ty hollow feeling in the pi t ofhis stomach when

he ge ts a hinge at the J uly iss u e of The Field In that ex .

“
c ell ent British Sporting magazine one Old Harrow ,
”
Boy attacks the c u stom of Sho u ting and waving the
arms and hat to break u p stampeding b u ffalos and actu ,

ally suggests whis tlin g as a better means of dispers ing un

lawfu l assemblages of bison .

—
I hold no b u ff fo r the b riefalo I beg pardon I should ,
“ ”
have said I hold n o brief for the bu ffalo but I am too ,

choked wi th rage abo u t this matter to be ve ry coherent

”
.

I have never taken money from any pro bison organiza -

tion and o ut side of a fa t ty depo sit between the Sho u lder

b lades I am no more b u ffal o than you are B u t of all the .

appalling repellen t revolting and ins u pportable bi ts of

, ,

Schreck li chk eit ever fobbed off on a lethargic public under

,
—
the g u ise of Sportsmansh i p this i s the absol u te pay off .

”
First j u st who is this Old Harrow Boy anyway? I
,

looked h i m u p i n the London Street d i recto ry but the

only name like i t was O H ara Roy 1 5 Pig s W alk
“ ’

, ,
’

W app i ng Old Stairs P ig s W alk i s good ; P i g s Talk

.
” “ ’ ” “ ’

i f you ask me A man w h o hasn t even got the nerve to

.
’

Si gn his own name to a l etter W ell M r O H ara l et s

’ ’
. .
, ,

cast an eye over your record an d see who i t i s that goes

around lo u s i n g up a b u ffal o s goo d name It mi ght in
’
.
terest you to know that I sent a frien d of m i ne aroun d
to W apping Old Sta i rs to ask a few qu estions I believe .

he came to your serv i ce flat one afternoon and talked to

“ ”
your ho u sekeeper But you tho u ght he was some kind
.

of an idiot eh ? W ell he i s He s one of the most all

, ,
.
’

aro u nd idiots I kn ow but there s one thing abo u t him He

,
’
.

doesn t Spend his day teasing b u ffalos He leaves that to

’
.

a certain pig in W apping Old Stairs N o need to mention .

names .

Amon g other things I was i nterested to l earn that our

precio u s M r O H ara had been tri ed and convicted in
.
’

Rh odesia for acti ng as agen t pr ov ocate u r in an uprisin g of

-

water b u ffalos i n 1 9 1 1 Shortly a fterward three b u ffalos

.

rep orted to the British High Commissioner at E lan dfon

tein that they had been bored by M r O H ara T he seri .
’
.

ousn ess of the charge forced the Commi ssioner s hand

’

and an investigation w as held It revealed that O H ara .

’

had approached the bu ffalos i n a kind of hys t erical ex ,

cited fashi on and told them some rambli ng i nconsequen

tial story wi thout any point The bisons alleged boredom
.

and petiti oned for damages I have been in COI l eSpOI l Cl.
‘
'

ence with Sir Herbert Antino u s ( then Sir Herbert An

ti nous ) wh o acted as medical o ffi cer i n the case He has .

be en kind eno ugh to forward me a transcript of the evi

dence together with a locket contai ning hair from one of
the b u ffalos as proof Here is Sir Herbert s versi on of the
.
’

matter :
“
I exam ined the three b u ffal os ab out an ho u r after they
claimed M r O H ara had bored them They s till bore the
.
’
.

marks of their recent ordeal One of them had a coa t ed .

43
tongue and was feveri sh The sec ond seeme d normal b uf .

slightly bem u sed T h e third however had no t ong u e I

.
, , .

g uess the cat got it ( La u gh t er ) . .

“
u es ti o n from M agis tra te N irdlin er: Sir Herbert
Q g ,

kindly confine yo u rsel f to the case W hat is the di fference .

between a Florida orange and a letter?

Sir Her b er t: I don t kno w Yo u r W orship
“ ’

, .

N irdling er: W ell yo u d be a hell of a man to send to

’

mail a letter Stand down . .

At th i s point there was a commoti on i n co u rt caused

by O H ara s pitching forward o u t of the dock in a dead
’ ’

faint Th e session was adjo u rned to allow Sir Herbert to

.

examine the prisoner Here is his vers i on of the case : .

“
I examined O H ara about five min u tes a fter he pitched
’

forward o u t of the dock in a dead faint He sti ll b ore .

the marks of his recent ordea l He had a coated tongue . w

”
and was feveri sh .

Th e s ubseq u ent h i sto ry of the case i s compl etel y wi th

out i nterest The accused s counsel entered a plea of pros it
.
’

an d O H ara was lashed to the mizzen and given five dozen

’
"

wi th th e cat who seemed to be i n good condi ti on except

,

for a sl ightly coated tongue .

Th i sthen is the man who a dvocates wh i stling at stam

, ,

p oding b u ffalos T hi s unc tu ous traitor writing on fools

.
,

cap i n Onion j ui ce who signs fictitious names to h i s ,

sl anders dares undermine an instit u tion as hallowed as

,

waving one s hat at buffalos E ver Since the days of Bu ffon

’
.
,

the nat u ralist i t has gone wi thout saying that the first
,

th ing y ou do on seei ng a bu ffal o is Shout and wave yo ur

44
arms and hat But no ; that s not good enough for O Hara
.
’ ’
.

H e has to p u t on Side He has to make a holy show out of .

himself i n front of an i mals le t alone the K afli r boys And , .

maybe you don t think the K affir boys talk ! Only last
’

night old man K affir and his yo u ngest boy M o m s ca me

i nto a po olroom in Spion Kop M orris had tw o beers and .

started talking W ell Sir he talked pretty near two ho urs

.
, ,

before they could stop him I j u st mention this to Sho w .

how the K affir boys talk once they get start ed .

W ell O H ara I ve said my say I m a plain Spoken

,
’

,
’
.
’
-
,

grizzled old seadog none of your French airs for old,

Peleg Starbuck W hy bless yo u r heart boy I was a pow

.
, , ,

der monkey aboard the old Gu erriere a fore you was born .

I v e been a galley slave ab oard the pirate proas of the D ey

’

of Algiers I ve been Shipwrecked among the head hun t

,
’
—
i ng Dyaks p u rs u ed by Arab dhows i n the Straits of Aden
, ,

and careened in the Dry T ortugas B u t don t you heed .

’

this Old man s talk ; you yo u ng folks go along and have a

’

look thro u gh my spyglass W hat s that you say a sus — .

’
'

1c rous moist u re in my eye ? Pshaw — a bit of rain shiv el

p ,

my blini And coughing to hide his embarrassment ol d

.
,

Peleg hobbled up the Shell decorated path to h i s cottage -

as Frederica and I Spa t refl ectiv ely on his peomes and

turned our faces toward O stab le and the setting sun .
 SA U C E F O R TH E GA N D ER

E v e r y so often when bu si nes s Sl ackens up in

,

the b owl i ng al ley and the other pin boys are hunched
over their game of b ez iq ueji lik e to ex change my sweat
l fi

sh i rt for a c ri s p white surgi ca l tun i c polish up my O pti cal

,

mi rror and exam i ne the corset adverti sements i n the N ew

,

York H erald Trib un e rotogravure secti on and the vari ous

women s magaz in esj l t must be made cl ear at the outset
’ ‘

that my motives are the purest and my curi os ity that of

the scientific research worker rather than the sex man i ac .

Of course I can be broken down under cross exam i nati on ;

,
-

I li ke a trim ankle as well as anyone b u t once I start somb

,

b i ng up and adj u sti ng the O perative mask M ateri a M edica ,

comes i n the d oor and Bet ty Grable fl ié s out the wi ndow .

God knows how the convention ever got started but ,

i f i t i s true that the camera never li es a foundati on gar

,

ment or a girdle sti mul ates the fair sex to a po i nt just th i s

s i de of madness The little ladies are always represented
.

wi th their heads thrown back in an attit u de of fierce de

si re arms upfl ung to an unseen dei ty as though swept
,

al ong i n some Dionysian revel If you ho l d your ear c l os e

.

enough to the p ri nted page you can al most hear th e

,

throbb ing of the temple drums and the chant of the

votaries Those sul try heavy l i dded gl ances those tem
.
,
-
,

e stu o u s Corybantic gest u res of abandon — what mag i c

p ,

roper t y is there i n an ordina ry Si l k and Las tex bell yban d

p
- -

to ca u se a housewife to behave like Li ttl e E gypt ?

P erhaps the mo st c uri ou s mutati on of the corset adv er
40
spi ttOO I 1 . i
As the es M iss M ay o
c urta n ris , ,
the n u rs e,
is at
—
the teleph o n e Shape d telep hon e ) .

M ISS M AYO ( in to p hon e ) Dr Vol ney? — Hel l o , .

T his is M i ss M ayo a t D r F i tch s ofli c e Th e Doc tor is

’

’
. .

forwardi ng yo u his analysis of M r T ich enor s u n derwear .

’

problems ; you Sho ul d have i t i n the morning Not .

at all .

As sh e h angs up D r F i tch e n ters th oughtfu lly stro k in

( , .
g ,

his Va n dyk e b eard He is fo llow e d b y Free dley a hag

.
,
»

gard mi d dle ag e d patien t knottin g his tie )

,
-
,
.

.
—
D R F IT CH Sit down F reedley Oh th i s i s M is s
, .
,

M ayo She s a niece of the M ayo brothers out W est

’
. .
,

—
F RE E DL E Y ( wanly ) How do you d o M iss M ayo? I ve ,
’

read grand things about your uncles .

M I SS M AYO N ot m i ne you haven t T hey ve been in

’ ’
-
.
,

F olsom th e l ast three years for breaki ng and ente ri ng .

h e exits )
( S .

.
—
D R F IT CH ( seatin g himself) All ri ght now F reedley , ,

suppose you t ell me your symptoms .

FRE E DL E Y But I just told them to you

-
.

D R F IT CH You d i d ?
.
-«

F R E B D L B Y Sure not ten m i nutes ago

-
,
.

D R F IT CH W ell repeat th em ( An gri ly ) You don t

— ’
. .
,

suppose I have ti me to l i sten to every crackpot who comes

i n here b loating about his troubl es do you ? ,

F R E E D L E Y ( hum b ly ) No Sir W ell i t s just that I have

— ’
.
, ,

th i s stu ffy uncomfortable sensati on all the ti me

,
.

.
—
D R F IT CH That s the way a head cold usually starts
’
.

( S cr i b b lin g ) You re to take fifteen’

of these tablets forty
48
times a day or fo rty of them fifteen ti mes a day whichever
, ,

is more convenient .

F RE E D L E Y I t s not my nose or throat Doctor I get i t

— ’
.
,

mos tly aro u nd the hips and the Small of my back .

.
—
D R F I T CH ( tes tily ) O f co u rse of co u rse T hat s where .
’

i t s localized Now I als o want yo u to get hold of a tonic

’
.
,
.

I forgot the name of i t b ut it s abo ut thirty dollars a ,

’

bottle The clerk ll kno w

.
’
.

F R E B D L E Y W ill I feel better after I take i t ?

—

.
—
D R F rrc rr ( co ldly ) I m a physician F reedley not an
’

, ,

astrologer I f yo u want a horoscope there s a gy psy tea

.
,
’

room over on Lexington Avenue .

—
F R E E D L E Y ( p lain tiv ely ) Gee Dr F i tch this th i ng s
’

,
.
,

ot me crazy I can t kee my mind on my work

’

g .
p
D R F IT CH W ork ? H u mph M os t of my pati ents hav e
.
— .

p rivate incomes W hat d o.you do ?

—
F RE E D L B Y I m wi th the Bayonne Bag
’
String Com
p an y -
ass i stant office manager .

—
D R F IT CH Get ting along pretty wel l there ?
.

—
F RE E DL E Y ( pitifu lly ) I w as un til this start ed N ow .

M r B orvi s keeps ri di ng me He says I m like a person in

’
. .

a fog .

DR .
—
F ITCH Thatbulging oppress ive ,
—
condi ti o n no
tice i t mostly when yo u re Sitting do w n don t yo u ? ’

,
’

F R E E DL E Y W h y how on earth can you tell Doctor ?

— , ,

D R F IT CH W e medical men have ways of kno w i ng

.
—

these things ( Grav ely ) W ell F reedley I can help you

.
, , ,

b ut only if you face the facts .

F RE ED L E Y ( q uav erin g ) what is it s i r? -

,

.
—
D R F IT CH Your union s ui t i s too b i g for yo u .
 FREEDLE Y b u y g h ace — Oh m
( r i n i s f i n his h an d S
) , y
God !
D R F I T CH There there B u ck u p old man W e
— ‘

.
, .
, .

mu stn t give up hOpe

’
.

—
F R E E D L E Y ( w himperin g ) But you m i ght be mistaken
i t s j u st a diagnosis
’
.

—
D R F I T CH ( s tern ly ) Th e fl uorO SCOpe never lies
.
,

Freedley W hen I looked at yo u in there a moment ago

.
,

I saw almost five yards of excess fabri c bunched aroun d

the m i d section -
.

—
F RE E DL E Y ( w ildly ) It s bound to Shri nk after I sen d
’

i t to the la u nd ry ! M aybe Velma can take a t u ck in i t !

.
—
D R F I T CH T h at s only an evasion ( Press ing a b u t
’
.

ton ) I t s l u cky yo u came to me i n time I f th e p u bl i c o nly

’
.

knew the annual toll exacted by pondero u s loosely fi tting ,

—
underwear ( M iss M ayo en ters ) M is s M ayo get me a ,

sterile union suit size thir ty eight porous knit

,
-
,
-
.

F RE E DL B Y ( li ck in g his lips ) W hat what are you

— —
going to do ?
.
—
D R F I T CH ( s oo thingly ) Now th i s won t hurt a bit
’
.
,

W e ll j u st slip i t on for Size

’

—
F R E E DL E Y I won t ! I w o n t! ( H e c o w ers in to a corn er
’ ’

fl ai lin g at Dr Fitch an d M is s M ayo as they close in on

.

him Th ey p inio n his arms tigh tly thr us t him in to an

.
,

a djoinin g dressing roo m an d fl in g the u nio n s uit after,

him ) .

M I SS M AYO ( in a low v o ice ) —Do you think he s got ’

a chance Doctor? ,

D R F I T CH H ard to say poor bugger Did yo u feel

.
—
,
.

those enlarged folds of material on his back ?

5 0
 M I SS —
M AYO H e may have a blanket and s ome sheets
hi dden on him .

.
—
D R F IT CH You can t tell T hey get c u nning in the
’
.

l ater stages .

T h e d oor Shape d do or of th e dre ssin g roo m o pe n s an d

( -

—
F reedley re en ters a chan ge d m an H e is por tly w e ll
,
.
,

groo me d a co nn oisse u r of fin e horsefl esh an d pre tty

,

w omen b ut w i th al a man of k een b u s iness j u dgmen t H e

,
.

w ears a pearl g ray H om b u rg C h es t erfield o v erco at an d , ,

spats carries a go ld heade d can e a hot b ird an d a co ld

,
-
, ,

F itch my boy can t

b oom ing — W ell ’
F R E E DL E Y ( ) , , ,

w as t e any more t ime jawing with yo u I ve go t to out along

’
.

to tha t board meeting J u st merged Bayonne Bag String .

wi th Consolida t ed T wi ne yo u know ! ,
‘

.
— —
D R F IT CH E r that was rather sudden wasn t it ? ,
’

—
F R E E DL E Y Can t stand beating abo u t the b u sh T hink
’
.

in t elegrams that s my motto W ant to know my secret

,
’
.
,

Fi tch ? I ve worked hard and I ve played hard And I v e

’ ’
.
’

d r unk a q u art of whiskey every day of my li fe !

D R F IT CH W ell remember what I said Don t overd o
— ’
. .
,

F RE E DL B Y ( o r g ) nonsense
r a in
! W hy I m as — St u ff and ,
’

so u nd as a n ut Got the appe ti t e of a boy of twen ty Sleep

.
,

like a top and I ll o ut dance a yo u ngs t er any day ! ( To

,
’

d e m on strate he c atch es up M iss M ayo w hirls h er arou n d

, ,

gid dily an d fl ushe d w ith exertio n drops d ead The D oc

, , ,
.

tor an d his n urse exc han ge Slow si d elon g glan ce s ) ,

.

M I SS M AYO W ell I g u ess science still has a lot to

—
,

learn.
 DR . F ITCH ( cur tly ) — None
of your god damne d l ip
-
.

Drag him o u t and show i n the next patient ( H e tu rn s

.

b ack to his d esk stro king his Van dyk e more though tfully
,

th an e v er )
.

CU RTAIN
 FR OU O U, -FR

O R V E R TI G O R EV I SI TE D

J in case anybody here missed me at the

u st
M ermaid T ave rn this a ft ernoon when the bowl of sack
was being passed C S e nt mos t of i t reclining on my chaise
p ,

l ong u e in a negligee trimmed wi th marabo u reading ,

trashy bonbons and eating French yellow backed novels .)

W hat between amnesia ( i nability to find my r ubbers )
and O H ara s d i sease ( a b ili ty t o remem b er all the c u nni ng
’ ’

thi ngs I did las t night ) you might think I d have se nse
,
’

eno ugh to sit s till and mind my own b u siness B u t oh no .

, , ,

not I I had to sta rt looking thro ugh H arper s Bazaar yet

.
’
.

If a perfectly strange lady came up to you on the stree t

and demanded W hy don t you travel with a little rasp
,
“ ’

berry colored cashmere blanket to thro w over yourself

-

”
i n hotels and trains ? the chances are th at you wo uld tu rn
on your heel with dignity and hi t her with a bottle Yet .

that i s exactly what has been happen i ng for the past

twen ty months i n the pages of a li t tle raspberry colored -

magazine called Harper s Bazaar And don t think it does

’
.
’

an y go od to p retend there is no magazine called Harper s

’

B azaar I ve tried that too and all I get I S something

’
.
, ,

called circ ular I nsanity Imagine havi ng both Ci rcular

.

i nsanity and Harper s B azaar! ’

Th e first time I noticed this Wh y Don t Yo u ? de ~ ’

artment was a year ago last A u g u st while h u ngrily de

p
v ourmg news O f the mids u mmer O pen i ngs i n the h au te

co u ture W i tho ut any preamble came the sti ngmg qu ery

.
,

“
W hy don t you rinse your blonde ch ild s hair in dead
’ ’

5 3
champagne as they do i n France ? Or pat her face gently
,

wi th cream before Sh e goes t o bed as they do in E ng ,

”
land ? Aft er a qu ick look into the n u rsery I decided t o ,

let my blonde child go to hell her own way as they do ,

in America and read on W hy don t yo u con t in u ed

,
.
“ ’

,
”

“
the a uth or Spi tting on her hands twist her pig tail s
, ,

”
aro u nd her ears like macaroons ? I reread this several
times to make sure I wasn t d reaming and then t u rned t o
’

the sta t ement of ownership in the back of the magazine .

J u st beca u se the M arq u is de Sade wasn t mentioned ’

didn t fool m e; yo u know as well as I do who m u s t have

’

controlled fifty one per cen t of the s tock I Slept acro ss the
-
.

foot of the crib wi th a l oaded h orse pistol until the next

iss u e appeared .

It appeared all ri ght all ri ght an d after a qu i ck gander

, , ,

at the activities of Nicky de Gunzbu rg Lady Abdy and , ,

th e Vic omtesse de Noailles which left me right back ,

where I started I so u ght o u t my W hy Don t Yo u ?

,
’

column W hy don t you try the effect of diamond roses

.
“ ’

and ribbons flat on your head as Garbo wears them when ,

—
Sh e says g ood bye to Armand in their country retrea t ?
”

asked M iss Sly Boots in a low thrilling voice I was lrv rng , .

in my own country retreat at the time and as i t happened ,

to be my day to go to the pos t o ffice ( ordinarily the pos t

o ffice comes to me ) I welcomed this chance to va ry the
,

m onotony Piling my head high with diamond roses and

.

ri bbons I p u lled on a pair of my s t o u tes t e sp ad rilles an d

,

set off my cat frisking ahead of me wi th many a warnin g

,

“
c ry of Here comes my mas t er the M a rq u is of Carab as ! ,

W e reached the post o ffice witho u t incident except for ,

5 4
my evil geni u s whisper One little peek can t hurt you ’
. .

N obody s looking W i th trembling fingers I fu mble d

’ ”
.

thro u gh the advertisements for Afghan ho u nds founda ,

ti on garments and bath foams to the W hy Don t You ?

,
“ ’ ”

sec tion T iny beads of perSpiration stood o u t on my even

’

tinier forehead as I began to read W hy don t you b u ild ,

“ ’

b eside the sea or i n the cen t er of yo u r garden a white

, ,

s u mmer dining room Shaped like a tent draped with ,

wooden swags with walls of screen an d Venetian blinds

, ,
”
so you will b e safe fro m bugs and dra fts ? I recoiled claw ,
“ “
ing the an No . I screamed I won t ! I c an t !
, .
’ ’

”
H elp ! B u t already the column was Coiling aro u nd me ,

its hot breath on my neck W hy don t yo u concentrate .

“ ’

on fur jackets of marvelo u s w ork manshipa n d c u t mad e ,

of inex e nsive fu rs wi th incomprehensible names ? W hy

p
don t you bring back from C entral E urope a h u ge white
’

baroq u e porcelain stove to s tand i n yo u r front hall re ,

‘

fl ec ted i n the parquet ? Wh y don t yo u b u y i n a hardware

’

—
store a plain pine kni fe basket with two c ompartm ents
—
and a handle mount this on four legs and you will have
the i deal little table to sort letters and bills on and to ,

car ry from your bedside to the garden or wherever y ou

”
happen to be ? Unfort u nately I had only the two legs
God gave me but I mo u nted those basement stairs like
,

a cheetah fought off the restrain i ng hands of voluptu o u s

,

salesladies and hurtled out into the cool sweet air of

, ,

W est Forty seventh Street I m sorry I snatched the paper

-
.
’

knife o ut of that desk set M r Brentano but you can , .

,

send a boy for it at my expense And by the way do you .

,

e ver have any cal l for back numbers of fashion maga zi nes ?
so
 SCEN A R I O

Fa d i n exteri or grassy knoll l ong Shot Above

e , , .

“
th e scene the thundering meas u res of Von Su ppe s Ligh t
’

”
Cavalry Over ture Aus terlitz ? T he Plains of Abraham ?
.

Vi cksburg? Th e Little Big Horn ? Cambrai ? St eady on ,

old son ; it i s Yorktown Under a blood red se tting s u n you

.
-

proud crest i s Cornwallis Blood and ouns pro u d SI rrah

.
’

, ,

dost brush so lightly past an exci seman of the Crown ?

Lady Rotogravu re s powdered Sho ulders shrank from the
’

highwayman s caress ; what Jermyn footpa ds on Houn

’

, ,

Slow Hea th ? A certain party i n the D A s o ff i ce will hear

’
. .

of th i s you bastard There was a silken i nsolence in his

,
.

sm i le as he drew the greatcoat about h i s face an d l eveled

his Shooting iron at her dain ty p u ss Leave go that lady

-
.

or I l l smear yuh N O quarter eh ? M e wh ose ancestors

’
.
, ,

scuttled s tately India merchantmen of their comfits an d

silken stu ffs and careened their p1ratical craft in the D ry
T ortugas to carouse wi th b u mboat women till the cock
c rew? Yuh ll b u y my booze or I ll gi ve y u h a hand fu l of
’ ’

cl ou ds M e whose ancestors rode with Yancey Jeb Stuart

.
, , ,

and Joe Johnston through the d u sty bottoms of the Chick

amanga ? Oceans of love b u t not one cent for tribute

, .

M ake a heel out of a g u y whose grandsire Ola f H asholem , ,

swapped powder and ball wi th the m u rderous Si oux

through the wheels of a Conestoga wagon who mined the ,

yellow di rt wi th Sutter and slapped n uggets across the

rude bars of Leadville and G old field ? One side damn ,

yo u r black hide suh or Ah ll sen d one mo dirty Li tvak

, ,
’ ’

5 7
to the boneyard It s right up the exhi bi tor s all ey M r
.
’ ’

, .

Biberman and you got to hand i t to them on a platter

,

steaming hot I know Stanley but l et s look at this thing

.
, ,
’

reasonabl e; we been Showi ng the publ i c Fol ly Larrabee s ’

drawers tw o years and they been cool i ng Off Jeez G rize .

it s a hisT O Rical drama M r B iberman i t ll bl ow em

’

, .
,
’ ’

o u ta the back of the ho u ses i t s the greatest th i ng i n th e ,

’

industry i t s dynam i te ! Pardon me ofli cer i s that Gen

,
’

, ,

eral W ash i ngton ? Bless yer little heart mum and who , ,

may yez b e savin yer prisince? Honest old B rigi d th e

,
’

apple woman of T ri ni ty i s i t? How dégagé he Si ts on h i s

-
,

charger flicki ng an i nfin i tes i mal speck of ash from his

,

pl u m col ored wa i stcoat ! Gentlemen I give you M artha

-
,

Cu stis h etman of the Don Cossacks , her features etched

,

wi th th e fragil e beau ty of a cameo An d I wal ked right in

‘

on her before she had a chance to pull the god damned -

—
ki mono together But to be away from all th i s to l ea n
.

back p u ffing on one s churchward en at M ount Vernon ’

ami d the d ull gl i nt of pewter to watch the firelight pl ay ,

ing over pol i she d Duncan Phyfe and Adam wh il e fa i thful

old O udj o cackles h i s ebony features and m ix es a steam i ng
l ime toddy ! T ired Roy I m ti red I tell you T i red of
, ,
’

, .

the ra i n the eternal surge of the breakers on that lagoon

, ,

the gl i tterof the reef i n that etern ity out there CH RI S .

:

T IAN ! She l aughed contemptuous l y her vo l uptuou s ,

throat filling wi th a ri s i ng sob as She faced Davi dson like

a ho u nded an i mal You drove me out of Papeete but I ll
.
’

go to T hursday Isl and wi th my banj o on my knee Yeh .

,

yeh so what? W e made FO UR p i ctures like that l ast

,

ear Oh my God M B i berman i ve me a chanc i t s ’

y .
,
r
g ,
e .
, ,

58
only a flashback to plant that She s a woman wi th a past ’
.

Six teen hundred a week I pay you to hand me back th e

plot of L ov e s Cou n terfeiters Selig made i n 1 9 1 2 ! She s
’ ’

who ? She s what? W hat s the idea her com i ng here ?

’ ’

W hat s she trying to do turn a production ofli c e into a

’

whorehouse ? No M iss Reznick tell her to wait I ll be

, , ,
’

thro u gh i n five minutes Now get it M r B iberman it s

.
,
.
,
’

bi g You establish the messroom and tru ck with Farns

.

worth till he faces Charteris I said Sixth Rajputana Rifles .

and I don t want a lot ta muggs paradin aro und i n the un i

’ ’
-

forms of the Preob azh ensk y Guard y get me? Yep he s ,

’

,
’

on a tear th ose foreign directors are very temperamental

, ,

di d I ever tell you about the ti me Lazlo N ugasr said he d ’

b uy me a brassi ere if I let h i m p u t i t on ? Fake i t with a

transparency of Khyber Pass Now an overhead shot of the .

dus ty ti red column filing into Sidi bel A b bes Sho ulder x
- -
.

by shoulder they march i n the faded bl u e of the Legion ,

fun loving Dick and seri o u s minded T o rn Buddies th e

- -
.
,

greatest word in the French language fly ing to the d e ,

fen se of each other like a homo pigeon Greater love hath .

Onan Swinging a chai r into that mob of l ime juicers in

.
-

M
the ile E n d Bar I n Shangha i But cam e a slant eyed — .

Ch inese adventuress and then ? Don t Shoot B u tch for

,
’

, ,

G ossak e ! Heave em into the prison yard we ll keep the

’ ’

—
screws o u t of the cell block and wilderness were paradise

en ow Stow the swag in Cincy ki d and go on al one I m

.
, , ,
’

done for T oo late old Pogo the clown stopped it in the

.
,

sweetbreads They buried h i m outside the town that

.

n ight 3 motley crew of freaks and ci rcus people W hat a

, .

se quence ! O l d man K lin S iel to l d me h e bawled l ike a

g p
so
baby Laugh you i nhuman monster they call the crowd
.
, ,

old Pogo lies dead with only a bareback rider s Spangle to ’

mark his grave and a seat for every child in the p ublic
schools ! Wh en tall ships Sh ook out their plumage and
raced from Sal em to H ong Kong to b ring back tea Break .

o u t the Black Ball ens ign M r E xhibitor there s sweet , .

,
’

m u s i c i n that Ole cash register ! A double tru ck i n every

paper i n to w n and a smash i ng drawi ng by the best artist
we got m i nd yo u T ake the kiddies to that colossal red
, .

bl ooded h u man drama of a boy s love for h i s dog This ’

.

i s my h u nti ng lodge we ll stop here and dry yo u r th i ngs

,
’
.

But of co u rse i t s all right cara mia I m old enough to be

’

, ,
’

your father Let me go you beast M OT H E R ! W h at are

.
—
,

you do i ng here ? I ask you confidentially Horowi tz can t , ,

’

we get that dame to put on s ome women s clothes a Sk irt ’

or someth i ng ? Th e fans are getting wi se all those flat ~ ,

heel ed shoes and men s Sh i rts l ike a lumberjack Get me ’

.

Gerber in publ i ci ty he ll di sh out some crap abo u t her ,

’

happy home life V ork apich around the room to Dmitri s

.
’

brother o fficers as they regi ster consternation at the news .

Go od chance for some hokey bellies on comedy types .

W hat sir yo u dare mention Alexandra Petrov na s name

, ,
’

i n a saloon ? T he kid takes it bi g and gives Diane the

gloves across the pan socko T h e u s u al satis facti on I pre .
,

sume? Draw ing on h is gloves as a th i n sneer played across

his feat u res Yeh a mart i net and for Crisak es remember
.
,

i t s not a mus i cal i nstrument th i s ti me But eet ees mad

’
.

ness Serge ! T he best swordsman i n St M a ry s parish he

, .
’

weel run you thro u gh i n a tw eenk ling ! Oh darl i ng you , ,

can t you can t Her ha i r had become undone and he

’

,
’
.

60
 pl unged his face i nto i ts fragrance un b uckling h i s sabre ,

an d fl ing i ng it on the bed beside them Hurry even now .

,

my h u sband is fri ed to the ears in a low bo ozing den i n -

Pok rov sk y Street Of course it i s he I d know that lousy

’
.
,

b u sby anywhere i n St Petersburg Shoot it two ways you

. .
,

can always d u b it i n the so u nd track Sh e shri eks or Sh e .

don t shri ek what the hell d i fference does i t make ? T old

’

me he was go i ng to n ight school at the Smolny Institu te ,

the cur And I believed him thought Pyotr pityi ngly sur
.
, ,

v eyin g her lu sc i o u s bust w i th greedy eyes Never leave me .

my sweet and then bejeez u s an angle shot toward the

,

door of the G eneral l eaning against the lintel stroking h i s

m u s tache Crouching agains t the wall terrified yet shin
.

in g eyed as w omen are when men do gallant combat

-
.

Throw him yo u r garter Lady Aspinwall throw yo u r Slip

, ,

per throw your lunch but for Gawd s sake throw som e
, ,
’

thing ! Parry ! Thru s t! Touche! W h ere are they all now ,

the old famil iar faces ? W hat a piece of b usmess! Grabs a

string of on1ons and sw rngs himself up th e balcony fen c ,
e

i ng wi th the soldiers Got you l n the gr01n that time G em

.
,

eral ! M ine host beaming genially r u bbi ng his hands and

, ,

belching Get Anderson ready with the sleighb ells and

.

keep that snow mov rng Hit em all ! Hotter on eigh ty .

’
v

four Joe Devlin ! Are we up to Speed ? Q u iet please we re

’

, , ,

—
turning ! Chicago hog b u tcher t o the world yclept th e
, ,

Windy City BOOZE AND BLOOD he ough ta know

.
, ,

ru nning a drug store eleven years on Halstead Street Y ou .

c u t to the back of th e Big Fellow then three lap dissolves ,

—
of the presses give em that Ufa s tu ff then to the stree t
’

a n ew sb ody insert of the front page the L roari ng b y

, ,

6 1
Kerist, i t s th e gutsiest thing in pictures ! Call you back
’

chief Never mind the H ays o ffice this baby is censor

.
,

proo f! Call you back chief W e ll heave the telephone , .

’

through the glass door and smack her in the kisser with th e
grapefru it they liked it once and they ll love i t twi ce Call
,
’
.

yo u back chief T he gat i n the mesh bag A symb ol get

,
.
-
.
,

me ? Now remember staccato A b i t tight my sweet?

, .
,

Marrow forth teetered back and forth on his heels his ,

sensiti ve artist s fingers caressing the first edition he loved

’
.

Item one Hawes and Curt is dress suit one wh i te tie

,
-
, ,

kindly re tu rn to M ister Dreyfus i n the wardrobe depart

ment W hat color do I remind you of ? Purple shot with
.

pleas u re ifyo u ask me D O I have to work wi th a lot ofp i m

, .

ply grips giving me the bird ? P apa s i n the dogho u se and ’

keep up the tempo of the last scene you looked cru mmy ,

in yes t erday s dailies A warm vivid and h u man sto ry wi th

’
.
,

just that to u ch of m u ff the fans demand Th ree Hundred .

T itans Speed W estward as Ki ng Haakon Lay s E gg on

Shoe Stri ng And sad eyed Grubn i tz by the W a iling W all
-
.
-

d eman ds : Wh at will the inde exhib s do ? Let em eat cake ’

we re packi ng em i n with 2 9 Garson Pidgeons i n 1 9 44

’ ’
-
.

Ask Hyman Gerber of W aco he can smell a box otfice pic ,

- «

tu re a mile away In the freez i ng mists of dawn they gath

.

ere d by the fu selages of their planes and gripped hands .

But Rex Jenn i ngs of the shining eyes and the high heart
never came back Jerry got him over Chalons I tell you . .

i t s m u rder to send a mere boy up i n a crate like that ! T he

’

god damned production o ffice on my neck all day It s

-
.
’

midsummer madness F iame tta ! You mustn t ! I must ! ,

’

—
I want you ! You wan t me ? B u t I I m just a poor little ’

62
 A FA R E WE LL T O OM S K
err y g res u lt of rea din g an en tire gift se t
( T h e t if i n

of D os toiev sky in on e aftern o on

) .

one aftern oon i n Janua ry 1 8 passersby

La t e ,

i n L Stree t i n th e to w n of Omsk might have seen a c u r

.

io u s Sigh t A yo u ng man of a somewhat fl u shed feverish

.
,

appearance was standing o u tside Pyotr Pyotrvitch s to ’

b acco sh Op Th i s i n itsel f was i nteresting as Pyotr Pyo t r

.
,

v itch had no t obacco sh 0 p i n L Street E ven had he had . .

one there wo uld have been a l arge gapi n g h ole i n the side
,

walk in front of it d u e to a sewer excava t ion so that onl y ,

the top of the young man s head wo uld be vi sible Of’

.

i t self there was no thing un u sual i n the Spectacle of a :

yo u ng man standing u p to his knees i n water stari ng fix

edly at the fresh loam piled up abo u t him W hat amuse d .

the passersby was that any one sho ul d want to go i nto

Pyo tr Pyotrvitch s shOp Since it was common knowl edge
’

that Pyotr had died some y ears before of the be nds and
his sh 0p had been converted into an abattoir or worse .

Indeed there were those whomaintai ned that the ShOp

,

had never been there at al l—was i n short a sort of m i rage, ,

such as i s o ften se en by travelers i n the desert B u t there .

was such a look of idealism on the yo u ng man s face of ’

th e kind which is SO often to be obse rv ed nowadays i n

our Ru ssian u n i vers i ty st u dents that the i rreverent t i tters
,
“ ”
an d c ri es of Ach pfoo ! were q ui ckly sil enced Fi nally
, .

the young man sighed deepl y cast a l ook of determ i na ,

tion aro u nd him an d entered the shOp

, .

“
Good a fternoon Pyotr Py otrv itch ! he said resolutely
, .

8 4
 ”
Good afternoon Afya Afyakiev itch ! replied the
,

shopkeeper warmly He was the son of a former notary

.

p ublic a ttached to the household of Prince G rashk in and

gave himsel f no few airs in conseq u ence W hilst Speaking .

it was his habi t t o extract a greasy baromet er from his

wais tcoat and cons ul t it importan tly a trick he had ,

learned from the Pn nce s barber On seeing Afya Afya ’

.

k iev itch he skipped a b o u t nimbly d u sted off the co u n t er , ,

g ave one o f his numero u s o f

f spring a b ox on the ear drank ,

a c u p of t ea and on the whole behaved like a man of the

,

world who has a ffairs of momen t occ u pying him .

“
W ell Afya Afyak iev itch he said wi th a Sly smile
, ,
”
,

”
what can I sell you today? Cigarettes perhaps ? ,

“ ”
Cigarettes ? repeated the yo u ng man vaguely A pe .

c uliar Shudder passed over his frame as he r e arded th e

g
top of Pyotr s head in t ently It was j u st wide eno ugh to fit
’
.

the blade of an ax A strange smile played abo ut his lips

.
,

and only the entrance of ano ther personage dis trac t ed

him This was none other than Alaunia Alaunov na th e
.
,

shopkeeper s da u gh t er a prosti t ute wi th a look of exal ta

’

tion on her tim i d face who entered and stood unob tru
,

siv ely in a corner .

“
H ow patient Sh e i s ! thought the yo u ng man h i s heart ,

to u ched An overpowering desi re to throw himsel f at her

.

fe et and kiss the hem of her garment filled his being .

“
W ell well ! exclaimed Pyo tr P yotrv itch anxio u s to
,
”
,

“
impress his c u s t omer Allow m e k in d Sir to presen t my
.
, .
,

daugh t er Alaunia Alaun ov na She is a gi rl of ed u cation

, .

”
he he ! A sti fl ing feeling overcame the yo u ng man ; he
,

wanted to throw himsel f at the man s feet and bi t e them ’

.

65
Alaunia Alaunov na dropped a small c u rtsy The young .

man a pity ing exp ression on his face picked i t u p and

, ,

q u ickly retu rned i t to her Sh e gave him a grateful glance

.

named Joe .

“
—
And and what does yo u r da u ghter do ? Afya asked ”

wi th emotion .

“
Sh e is a pros t it u te in a Small way of business replied ,

Pyotr pro u dly .

“
It s great work if you can get i t the young man stam
’

mered .

“ ”
P erm i t me i t i s the only way to live ! cri e d the shOp
,

keeper excitedly B u t by now Afya w as even more exc i ted

.

than he was .

“
— —
Ah yes ex cuse me that i s to say ! he began con ”

“
fusedly A swarm of thoughts filled h i s bra i n
. I used to .

know a man a ti tular counc ilor Andron Andronov itch

, ,

Pojarsk y i n the prov i nce of Z

,
W e were i n the Gym
nasium togeth er W el l only fancy l ast n i ght I met h i m
.
, ,

at the P etrovsky Bri dge as I was return i ng from D unya s

,
’

where we were having a di scuss i on of certa i n i deas I ,

’
—
won t go i nto them but Pimentov he i s a goo d hearted
,
-

fell ow he had entered i nto a free marriage wi th h i s cousin

,

—mo how I wander ! W ell this Andron And ronov itch

, , ,

poor fell ow i s i n a bad way i n a word i s reduced to eati ng

, ,

h i s rubbers all he has l eft i n a certai n sense Ach these

, , .
,

”
Slavophiles ! broke off Afya taking out some o l d pieces ,

of cuc u mber and fish he had be en carryi ng i n his pocket

“
and d ippi ng them i n his tea Just i magi ne he has such .
,

extreme not i ons Utop i as one m ight say

-
,
.

“ ”
Yes ! Yes ! i nterrupte d P yotr nodding wi th g reat ,
 rapidi ty al most persp i ri ng wi th exci t ement But you
,
.

spoke formerly of cigare t tes did yo u no t ? Here is a good

,

—
b rand fifteen kopecks a package or tw o packages for ,

twen ty fiv e k 0peck s ! A brand m u ch favored by the gar

-

rison yo u ng gentleman !
,

”
Fi ft een kopecks ? asked Afya Sl owl y Then the sec .

”
O nd package m u s t be only t en kopecks ?
“ ”
T r u e yo u ng sir
,
said Pyo tr screwing u p his l i ttle
, ,

red rimmed eyes in the manner of one who is abo ut t o

-

“
i nspect a private aq u ari um B u t u n fortunately I have
.

”
o nly one package .

“
Pyotr Pyotrv itch sai d the young man quietly do
, ,

ou kn ow what I think ? I think th i s i s a hell of a tobacco

y
shOp i n any l ang u age
, .

“ ”
You re telling me? i nqu ire d Pyotr sadl y Hey where
’
.
,

r —
a e you going ? Just a moment c ome a cup of tea let s — ,
’

h ave a discus sion .

“
I ll be right o u tside i n that sewer excavation if you
’

” “
w ant me said Afya over his shoul der I d sort of like
, .
’

”
t o brood over th i ngs for a while .

“
W ell skip the gu tter sighed Pyotr
, ,
”
.

”
Don t take any flannel kopecks said Afya gloomily
’

,
.

H e d is l odged a piece of horse radish from h i s t i e sh i ed i t

-
,

at a passrng N ih il ist and slid forward i nto the fresh l oam

, .
 N O THI N G B UT TH E T ooT H

I a m thirty eigh t
-
years old h ave curl y brown ,

ha i r and bl u e eyes own a uke and a yellow roads t er and

, ,

am considered a snappy dresser in my crowd B u t th e .

thing I want most in the world for my birthday 13 a free

s ubscrip tion to Oral Hygien e p ublished by M erw in B
, .

Massol 1 0 0 5 Libert y Aven u e Pittsb u rgh , Pa In the event

, , .

you have been repairing yo u r own teeth Oral Hygien e ,

i s a respectable smooth finish technical magazine circu

-

l a t ed to yo u r den tist wi th the compliments of his l ocal

su pply company T hro u gh i t s age s runs a recita l of the
.
p
most horrendo u s and fantas t ic d ev iatron s fi om the denta l
norm It i s a confessional i n which dentis ts take down
.

their back hai r and stammer out the secrets of their craft .

B u t every ti me I pl u nge i nto i ts crackling pages at my

dentist s j u st as I get i n terested i n the story of the M an
’

with the Alveolar Dent u res or T hirty R easons W hy Peo

.

l e Stay Away from Den t ists the n u rse comes o u t Slightl y

p ,

flu shed and smoo thing her ha i r to tell me that the d octor
is ready Last Thursday for example I was head over
.
, ,

— —
heels i n the question and answer department of Oral H y o

ie n e A frankly puz zled extrac ti on ist who tri ed to cloak

g .
,

“
his agitati on under the i n i tials J S had p u t his plight
. .

“
squarely up to the editor : I have a pati ent a woman of ,

20 who has a ful l comp l ement of teeth All of her restora

,
.

tion s are g old foils or i nlays Sh e constantly grinds her

.

teeth at n i ght How can I aid her to stop grinding them ?

.

Would it do any good to give her a vell u m rubber bite?

”

on
B u t before I could learn whether it was a bite or j u st a
gen tle hug the edi t or recommended o ut poppe d M is s ,

“
I n chb ald with lipstick on her nose giggling The Doctor , ,

”
— “
is free now Free indeed running amok would be
.
“ ”

a bett er way to p u t it .

I had always th ought of dentists as of the phlegmatic

—
type square jawed sadists in whi t e aprons who found re
-

lease in t rying o u t new kinds of burs on my Shaky littl e

‘

inciso rs One l ook at Oral Hygien e fixed that O f all the

. .

inhi b i t ed timoro u s uncertain fu mble b u nn i es who creep

, ,
-

the earth M r Ave rage Dentist is the worst A filing clerk is

, . .

a veritable sabre too thed tiger by compari son Faced with

-
.

a decisi on your dentist s bones t u rn to water and he b e

,
’

comes all hands and feet He m u ddles through his ordi .

o

na ry ro u tine with a certain amo u n t of bravado pl ugging ,

a molar here wi th chewi ng g u m sinki ng a Shaft in a so u n d ,

tooth there In his Spare time he p u tt ers aro u nd his labo

.

rato making tiny cem ent c u p —

cakes s u bsti tu ting amber
r
y ,

electric b ulbs for ordina ry b ulbs i n his wai ting ro om to -

depress pati ents and jo tting down nasty little inn u endoes
,

abo u t people s g u ms i n his notebook B u t l et an honest

’
.

—
to goodness su fferer stagger i n with his face o u t of draw
ing and M r Average Den tist s nerves go to hell He ru ns
’

, . .

“ ”
sobbing to the Ask Oral H ygrene department and b u ries
his head in the lap of V C Smedl ey i ts director I d i p i n
. .
,
.

for a typical sample :

Qu est ion—A pat i ent a girl 1 8 retu rned from
of mi ne , , ,

School recen tly w ith a w ei rd st ory of light n i ng h avi ng st ru c k

an upper righ t c u spi d t ooth and checked the enamel on th e

lab ial surface nearly tw o th irds of the w ay from th e i nc isal
-

8 9
edge toward the neck T he patient w as lying on a b ed looking
.

ou t an Ope n w i nd ow d u i ng an elec t ic st orm an d th i s on e

r r ,

flash put out the lights of the hou se and at the same time the
, ,

patient felt a burning sensation ( like a burni ng w ire ) along

the cu spid t ooth Sh e immed iately put her t ongu e on th e
.

tooth which fel t rough but as the lights w ere out she could
,

not see i t so Sh e w e nt t o b ed ( A t as t e as from a bu rnt match

.

acc ompanie d the Sh ock ) .

N ext morni ng she fou nd the l ab ial of the t ooth black Some .

of the col or c ame off on her fi nger By c ont inu ally b rushi ng
.

all d ay w ith th e aid of pe roxi d e sal t s od a an d vi n egar sh e

, ,

removed the remai nd er of the bl ack a fte r whi ch the t ooth w as

a yellow sh ade and there w as s ome roug h ness on the l ab ial

su rfac e .

Coul d the light ni ng have cau sed this and d o y ou recommend

smoothi ng the s u rface w i th d i scs ? —R D L O regon . . .
,
.

W ell Doctor l et us take your story step by step M i ss

, , .

M u ffet told you the sensation was l ike a burning wi re ,

and she tasted something like a burnt match Did yo u .

think by any chance of look i ng i n to her mouth for either

, ,

wi re or matches ? D i d yo u even th i nk of l ooking into her

)

mouth ? I see n o mention of the fact in your letter You .

state that she walked i n and told yo u the sto ry that s all ,
’
.

Of co u rse i t never occ u rred to yo u that she had bro ught

along her mouth for a reason Then you say she removed.
,

the rema i nder of the black a fter wh i ch the tooth was a

yellow shade W o uld it be asking too much of you to
”
.

make u p yo u r mind ? W as i t a t ooth or a yellow shade?

You re q u ite sure i t wasn t a Venetian bl ind ? Or a gaily
’ ’

striped awn i ng? Do you ever take a dri nk in the daytime ,

Doc tor ?
He u sed to tie a M ills grenade to the baby s th umb wi th ’

c obbler s waxed thread and when the li t tle Spanker pulled

’

o u t the de tonating pin w i th his teeth Grandpa wo uld ,

stu ff his fingers into his ears and run like the wind Iron .

ically eno u gh the people with whom Grandpa now boards

,

have the same tro uble keepi ng h i m from bi ting h i s

th u mbs b u t overcome i t by making h i m wear a l oose
,

jacket with very l ong sleeves which they ti e to the b ars

, .

I have always be en the mildest of men b u t yo u remem ,

“ ”
ber the old sayi ng Beware th e fury of a pati ent man ( I
’

.
,

remembered i t very well and p u t my finger on it i nstantly ,

page 2 69 of Bartlett s book of quotations ) For years I

’
.

have l et d entists ride rough shod over my teeth ; I have

-

been sawed hacked chopped w hittled bewi tched be

, , , , ,
“

wildered tattooed and Signe d o n agai n ; b u t this i s c u s

, ,

pid s last stand They ll never get me into that chai r again
’
.
’
.

I ll diSpose of my teeth as I see fit and after they re gone

’ ’

, ,

I ll get along I started off living on gruel and by Go d

’
.
, , ,

I can al ways go back to i t aga i n .

 WOO DM AN ,

D O N T SP A R 9
E THA T TR EE !

N l ong ago a l andscape architect down my

ot

way was retai ned by a lady who to p u t it b l u n tly had j u s t

, ,

fallen heir to a satchel fu l of the s tu ff Instead of the same .

old flowers and trees the fair client wanted a garden plan
,

for her co u ntry ho u se which wo u ld express her ow n u niq u e

personality something arresting terribly audacio u s yet , ,

smart; in short identi fying her u nmis takably as a lady who

,

had j u st fallen heir to a sa t chel ful Th e architect smacked .

h is lips in a refined way like a fox in a henho u se and went

, ,

to work E mploying a dozen wooden horses gleaned fro m

.

a defu nct am u sement park and a prof u si on of the rarest

,

vines creepers and b ulbs known to man he created a Spec

, , ,

fac u lar fl oral carrousel that dazzled the co u ntryside Farm .

a

ers came from mil es aro u nd t o lean on their manure forks

—
and gape at the hort ic ultural gew gaw but M rs Krebs , .

Yo u haven t captu red my moo d at all she po u ted

’

,
‘

—
Deep down I m really a mys tic ha u n ting i nscrutabl e
’
.
, ,
”
Now this she went on w av mg toward a mo u rn ful Chi p
, ,

“
ico which had set her back el even tho u sand clams this is ,

really m e .

“
Yo u took the words ri ght out of my m ou th agreed ,
“
the a rchi t ec t bu t I was j u st in t erpre ting the little girl
,

in yo u Th e spiritual Side is on the fire and Sho uld b e ready

.

”
any day now .

A week la t er wren ched from i ts native Cal i fo rn i a by

,

poli tical in flu ence pl u s considerable baksheesh a gnarled ,

73
M onterey cypress rolled i nto the co u nty seat on a flatcar .

It was u nloaded and borne to the es tate where a gang of ,

workmen sank i t i n a cement base and Sprayed it dead

whi t e One of New York s most recherché decorators then
.
’

looped Smilax and Spanish moss from i ts writhing l i mbs ,

and on the first night of the full moon the res ult was un
veiled to its owner Th e effect was SO electric that the
.

architect now sends his fees to the b ank i n an armored

car and has taken to wearing pencil striped pants i n the -

forenoon .

One m ight be i ncl i ned to shru g one s pretty shoulders ’

and dismiss such decadence as i solated were i t not for a

photograph i n a recent i ss u e of the American Home It .

portrays a lifeless apple tree hai ry wi th vines and bird

,

ba ths reari ng up forlornly i n a Small patio under the cap

,

tion Seeing the artistic possibilities of th i s dead tree M rs

“
,
.

Clyde L Hagerman of Bloomfield Hills M ich igan

.
, , ,

bo u ght i t had i t set i n concrete i n her o u tdoor livi ng

,

room SO she can drape i t each summer i n m oon fl ow ers

,
-

”
and gourd vi nes Here then i s a trend as significant as
.
, , ,

the first Sh i fter p i n or the origi nal E ugénie hat As the .

hysteria spreads any number of provocative Si tuati ons

,

may ari se but one of them seems to fall naturally i nto

,

the dramati c pattern Places pl ease .

, .

( S ce ne : A country roa d tow ard dus k A station wagon .

rou n d s th e b en d in i ts fro n t seat M r an d M rs Updeg rafl

,
. . .

The to n nea u is h eape d high wi th Chin ese lac q uer ta b orets -

inlaid wi th m other of pearl pain tings on v elv e t and other

- -
, ,

o s t V i c to rian b a atelles with whi ch M rs Updegraf f plans

p g
-
.

74
to e decora te her home She is b usily examining
r . tw o yel
lo w e d W els b ach man tles ) .

M R S UP DE GRAFF ( exultan tly )

. re just l ike the —They ’

ones Lilian Gassaway bo u ght at the Parke Berne t G al -

—
leries she ll be fu rious ! I ll have them dyed dark bl u e
’ ’

and u se them for fl ower holders -

.

M R UP D E G RAFF ( lis tless ly ) W hat are you going to

.
—
—
do wi th that old sewrng mach i ne back there Open a sweat
shop ?
.
—
M RS UP D E GRAF F N O the feet ll make a l ovely co ffee
,
’

table I saw the very piece of marbl e in that Portuguese

.

c emete ry w e passed Couldn t w e sn eak out some dark

’
.

n ight
M R UP DE GRAF F ( v io lently ) W h o the hel l do you
.
—
think we are Burke and Hare? Now listen l ook h ere
-
, , ,

Juanita
—
M RS UP DE G RAFF ( su d denly ) Stop ! Stop the car ! W e
.

j u st passed i t !
—
M R UP DE G RAF F W h at?
.

.
—
M RS UP DB CRAF F Th e hickory I ve been lick ory for
’

I mean the hickory I ve been looking for ! Oh Leslie it s

’ ’
, ,

a dream ! Look at those great tormented li mbs ! Come on !

,

L et s find o u t how much they re asking !

’ ’

M R UP D E GRAFF ( d esperately ) Now Juanita you

.
-
, ,

know we can t afford ’

M RS UP DE GRAFF ( in another w orld

.
— I can just see
M yrtle G renek er s face grv mg h ersel f airs wi th that mis
’

c rable little sycamore of hers .

.
—
M R UP DE G RAFF But th is thi ng s d ead !
’
 M RS .
—
UP D E GRAF F O f course
i t is Silly Do you s u ppos e ,
.

I d p u t a live hickory in o u r patio ? Don t be tacky

’ ’
.

.
—
M R UP DE CRAF F A zomb i e that s what I married ,
’
.

Cemeteri es dea d hi ckori es , .

( He m oo dily th ro w s th e c ar in to rev erse Th e c u rtai n is .

lo w ere d for a few m o m en ts w hile the scen ery is b eing

shi fte d Shou ld th e a udie n ce b e c ome res tiv e th e in t erv al
.
,

Six W h o P ass W hile th e Con

“
c an b e fille d b y a b alle t ,

cre te B oilS in w hich half a d ozen s toc ky Bryn M awr

,
*

ir l s in gray jersey strid e c onv u ls i v ely fro m on e en d of the

g
stage to the o th er tu ggin g at a veil Th i s sym b o lizes the .

forces of wa ter san d an d P or tlan d c emen t at first refu s

, ,
fl

ing to w ork harmoni ou s ly th en uni ting for th e c om m on

‘

goo d W hen the c u rtain rises agai n I t discloses R e u b en

.

H aysee d a farm er w ith chin whis k ers an d a lin en d u ster

, ,

se ate d in a roc k er tilte d ag ain s t his h ome o v er w hi ch ,

to w ers the d ea d hic k ory O n e ofR e u b en s two yo u n g s on s

’
.

h as ho iste d his b ro th er u p in to the li mb s in a fragile b ox

of th e sor t u se d for pac k in g eggs ) .

H AYSEE D ( thick ly ) — G ad, i t s murder to send a mere

’

b oy up i n a crate like that .

or d s prop h e ti a m o m e l a er h b l u m
( H is w ae
r c ; n t t t e o y p
e s
m t ou t o t e f h t ree an d b re ak s h is n ec k He i s b or n e O ff .

stage w ith many lamentatio n s b y the Six B ryn M aw r girls

“
in a p agea nt e n t i tl e d Yo ut h i n th e H a n d s o f t h e R e ce iv

ers E n ter M r an d M rs Up degraff )

.
”
. . .

78
 M RS .
—
UP DE GRAFF T hat tree s u nsa fe ! It o ught to
’
be
condemned !
H AYSEED ( p lacidly ) W e like it
— .

.
—
M RS UP D B CR AF F Yo u watch i t ll come crashing do wn ,
’

th ro ugh the roo f some day .

—
H AYSEED That s what makes life at E cho Valley Farm
’

so p i q uant .

.
—
M R S UP D E GRAFF ( s n or ting ) It s j u st a lot of old fire
’

wood to me .

—
H AY SE ED Really? I can t qu ite agree Someti mes ’
.
,

vi ewed by moonlight its ga u n t agony typifies the melan

,
a

ch oly and fut ili ty of existence .

.
—
M R UP D E G RAF F That s pretty d i ckty tal k for a
’

farmer .

—
H AYSEED I t may I nterest yo u to learn that I am one of
the few farmers who ever grad u ated from the Sorbonne .

M R UP D E GRAFF N O kid ? W hy I m an old So rbonn e

— ’
.
,

man mysel f! W ha t d yo u ma j or I n ?
’

—
H AYSEE D None of yo u r god damned business -
.

—
M RS UP DE GRAFF Look here yo u ng man we may have
.
, ,

a use for that old stu mp How m u ch do you want for i t?

.

—
H AYSEE D Six ty dollars .

~
M R UP D B CRAF F Sixty dollars !
.

—
H AYSEED Hear that echo ? Clear as a bell ( Prou dly ) .

N O wonder they call this place E cho Valley Farm .

.
— —
M RS UP D E GRAFF Isn t isn t that ra ther expensive?
’ ’

—
H AYSEED Not for an ori gi nal I ve got a b arn ful of .
’

Cop i es ou t there at t en dollars if that s what you want

’
.
,

.
—
M R S UP DE G RAFF N O I co u ldn t bear anything n ea r
’

me that wasn t a u thenti c I m funny that way

’ ’
. .
 —
H AYSEE D So am I I d j u st as soon take half the money
.
’

to have my p i eces go i nto a home where they re appre

’

ciated .

MR .
—
UP D E GR AFF I S that an
offer?
—
H AYSEED No Simply a mannerof speaki ng
, .

.
—
M RS UP D B CRAF F Oh Leslie it is divine isn t it? After
, , ,
’

all we could econom iz e next month Spaghe tti s cheap

,
.
’

but i t s filling
’

.
—
M R UP D E GRAF F ( a d ea d p igeo n ) Yes d ear ( T o Hay ’
.

see d ) D O you mind taking a check ? It i sn t certi fied .

H AYSEE D Not at all W hat bank ?

— .

.
—
M R UP D E CRAF F Corn E xchan ge .

—
H AYSEE D Funny I m an old Corn E xchange man my
,
’

self How big s yOII r balance ?

.
’ '

.
—
M R UP D E GRAFF None of your god damned b u s i ness -
.

ld h —
H AYSEE D ( o in g c eck ) There And n ow can I in
f .

te rest you folks i n a pla t e of M rs Hayseed s rea l co u ntry

’
.

do u ghn u ts piping ho t from th e ov en ?

'

— —
M R UP D E GRAFF ( h as tily ) E r no thanks we ll j u st
.
’

, ,

pi ck u p some cheap c o 1es along the road

p .

AS th e Upd eg raf f s exi t, Haysee d res u mes his sea t in th e

(
roc k er wi th a c o n ten te d s igh an d, takin g up an old c ob
bler s b en ch, b egin s
’
to co nv er t i t in to a lamp ) .

CU RTAIN
foun d that I was i n the on ly passenger car of the trai n ; the
other c ars were Simply d u mmies snipped o u t of cardb oard
“ ”
and painted to Si m ulate coaches E ven passengers had
.

been c u nningly drawn i n colored crayons i n the wi n

dow as well as ragged tramps clinging t o the blinds below
,

an d drinking Jamaica ginger W ith a r u e fu l smile I re

.

t u rned to my seat and gorged mysel f on jelly sandwiches .

At B uffalo the tw o other passengers ahd I disc overed to

our horror that the conductor had been left behind W e .

finally decided to divide up his d uties; I punched the

ti ckets the ol d lady Opposite me wore a conductor s hat
,
’

and locked the washroom as we came i nto stations and ,

th e yo u ng man who looked as i f his feet were not ma t es

cons ul t ed a Hamilton watch freq u ently B u t we missed
.

the cond u ctor s earthy conversation and i t was not u ntil

’

we had exchanged several q u esti onabl e stori es that we

began to forget our l oss .

A fl i cker of i nterest served to Shorten the tri p At F ort .

Snodgrass O hio two yo u ng and extrem ely polite road

, ,

agents boarded the tra i n and ri fl ed us of o u r belongings .

They explained that they were modern Rob i n Hoods and

w ere stealing from the poor to g ive to the rich T hey had .

i ntended to rape all the women and depart for Sherwood

F orest b u t when I told them that Sherwood Forest as
,

well as the w omen were i n E ngland their chagrin was

,

comical i n the extreme They declined my i nvitation to

.

stay and take a chance on the train s pool declaring that

’

the engineer had fixed the r u n and would fleece us and ,

g ot off at So u th Bend wi th eve ry good wi sh .

The weather i s always capri cio u s i n the M iddle W est ,

8 0
and altho u gh i t was mids u mmer the worst blizzard in ,

Chicago s history greeted us on our arrival Th e s tree ts

’
.

w ere crowded wi th tho u sands of newsreel cameramen

trying to pho tograph one ano ther b u cking the s torm on
the Lake Front It was a novel idea for the newsreels an d
.

I wished them well W i th only tw o ho u rs in Ch icago I

.

would be u nable to see the ci ty and the tho ught drew ,

me into a sta t e of compos u re I no t ed wi th pl ea su re that .

a fresh coat of grime had been gi ven to the D earb om

St reet s tation tho u gh I was hardly vain eno u gh to bel ieve
,

that it had anything to do wi th my visit T here was the .

us u al t en min u te wait while the port ers wi thdrew with my

-

p o rtable typ ewr i t er to a side room and fl ailed it wi th ham

”
-r

mers and a t last I was aboard the Sachem c rack tra m

,
“
,

of the R E D O lines . . .

It was as if I had s u ddenl y been transported i nto an

other world General Crook in whom I was t o make
.
,

my home for the next three days and his two neighbors , ,
“ “
Lake T ahoe and Chief M alomai were everything ,

“ ”
that the word P ullman I mplies ; they were P ullmans .

”
Uncle E ben in charge of G ene ral C rook in formed me
, ,

that the expe riment of air cooling the ca rs had been so -

s uccess ful that the road in t ended trying to heat them next
Win t er .

“
Ah suttinly looks fo d to dem rOastin ears Ah s gw rn e ’ ’ ’

”
have next winter he he he ! he ch u ckled rubb ing soot
, , , ,

in to my ha t .

Th e cond u c t or told me he had been riding on t rains

for so long tha t he had beg u n t o smell like one and s u re ,

eno ugh two b rakemen waved their lan t erns a t him that
,
n i ght and tri ed to tempt h i m down a s i di ng i n Kansas
Ci ty W e became good friends and it came as s ome thing
.

o f a blow when I heard the next morning tha t he had

fallen off the train d u ring the night Th e fireman said .

tha t we had circled ab ou t for an hour trying to find him x

bu t that i t had been i mp ossible to l ower a boat beca u se

we did not carry a boat .

Th e r u n was marked by on l y one 1nc1dent out of the

ordina ry I had ordered breaded veal c u tlet the first eve
.

ning and my waiter poking his head i nto the kitchen had
, , ,

repea t ed the order T he cook u nfort u nately u nderstood

.
, ,
“ ”
him t o say drea d e d veal c utlet and resen t ing the sl u r , ,

Sprang at the waiter with drawn razor In a few seconds I .

was the only living remnant of the Shambles and at T o ,

eka I was compelled to w ai t until a new shambles was

p
hooked on and I proceeded wi th dinner .

It seemed only a scant week or ten days before we were

p ulling i nto Los Angeles I had grown so attached to my
.

porter tha t I made him give me a look of his hair I won .

der if he s till has the ten cent pi ece I gave him ? Th ere
-

was a gleam in his eye which co uld only have been in

sanity as he leaned over me Ah Uncle E b en fai th fu l old
.
, ,

re tainer where are yo u now? Gone to wha t obsc u re oss u

,

ary ? I f this sho uld chance to meet yo u r kindly gaze drop ,

me a line care of Varie ty won t you ? T hey know wh at to

,
’

do with i t .

II
The viole t h u sh of twiligh t was descending over L OS
Angeles as my hos t ess Viole t H u sh and I le ft i ts s ub urbs
, ,

8 2
headed toward Hollywood In the distance a glo w of huge .

piles of b u rning motion picture scrip ts lit up the Sk y Th e

-
'

crisp tang of frying wri t ers and directors whetted my ap

petite How good it was to be al ive I tho ught inhaling
.
, ,

deep lungfuls of carbon monoxide Su ddenly our p ower .

ful Gatti Cazazza slid to a stop in the tra ffic

-
.

W hat is it Jenkin ? Violet called anxiously thro u gh

,
”

—
the speaking tub e to the chauffeur ( played by Lyle Tal
bot ) .

—
A su ttee was in progress by the roadside he sa i d did ,

we w rsh to see it? Q u ickly Violet and I elbowed our way

thro ugh the crowd An enormous fu neral pyre composed
.

Of tho u s ands of feet of film and sc ripts drenched wi th ,

Chanel N u mber Five awaited the torch of Jack Holt, ,

who was to act as master of ceremon i es .In a few terse

words Vi olet explained this unusual custom borrowed
from the Hind u s and never paid for The worst disgrace .

tha t can befall a prod u cer i s an unkind notice from a

New York reviewer W hen this happens the prod u cer
.
,

b ecomes a pariah in Holly wood He is shunned by h i s .

friends thrown i nto bankru ptcy and like a Japanese elect

, ,

in g hara kiri he commits s u ttee A great bonfire is made

-
, .

of the fi lm and the l u ckless prod u cer followed by direct

, ,
4
-

ors ac to rs techmcrans and the prod u cer s wives immO

, , ,
’

,
a

la t e them selves Only the scenari o wri t ers are exempt

. .

These are t ied between the tails of tw o Spirited Ca u casia n

p o nies which,
are t hen driven off in opposi t e directions .

“ ”
This c u stom is called a con ference .

Violet and I wa tched the scene breathlessly Near us .

fl arry Cohn head of Col u mbia St u dios was being rubbed

, ,
with huck towels preparato ry to throwing himsel f i nto
th e flames He was nonchalantly smoking a Rocky Ford
.

fiv e center and the man s co u rage drew a tear to the ey e

’
-
,

of ev e n the most callo u s W eeping relatives beso u ght him

.

to eschew his design b u t he stood adamant Adamant

, .

E v e h is pl u cky secreta ry was b ein g r u bbed with crash

, ,

towels preparatory to fl inging herself i nto Cohn s embers .

’
.

Assistant directo rs bu sily prepared Spears war bo nnets ,

-

and b ags of pemmican wh i ch the Great Chief wo uld need

on his tri p to the Happy H u nting Gro u nds W ampas
“
.
”

and beads to placate the Great Spirit ( played by W ill

Hays ) were piled high a b out the stoical tribesman .

Sud d enly Jack Holt ( pl ayed by E d m u nd Lowe ) ra i sed

his hand for s ilence Th e moment had come W ith bowed
.

’
.

head Holt made a Si mpl e inv oc ation c ouch ed i n one

syllabl e words so that even the ex ec u tives m ight under
stand Thro w i ng h i s fiv e center to a gro u p of autograph
.
-

hunters the great man pois ed h i mself for the fatal l eap
,
.

But from off scene came the strident clatter of cocoanut

-

shells and James Agee Filmdom s fearless criti c weari ng

, ,
’

the uniform of a Confederate guerrilla and the whiskers of

General Bea u regard galloped in on a foam fl eck ed p i nto
,
-
.

It was he whose m ocking review had sent Cohn i nto G ov

entry It was a drama t ic moment as the two s t ood pitte d
.

—
against each other Cohn against Agee the Blue against ,

the Gray B u t with tru e So uthern gallantry Agee was the

.

first t o extend the hand of fri endship .

“
Ah reckon it was an u nworthy sl u r suh he said i n ,

“
manly tones Ah all tho ught yo u all s pictuah was lo u sy
.
- -
’

but it opened at the Rialto to sensational grosses an ,

’
Ah all pologiz es H eah have a yam And he drew a yam
-
’
.
, .

from his tu nic Not to be o u tdone in hospi tality Cohn

.
,

drew a yam from his tun i c and soon they were exchang
,
'

i ng yarns and laugh ing over the Old days .

W hen Violet and I finally stole away to our wa i ti ng

motor we felt that we were somehow nearer to each other
, .

I snuggled l ux u riously i nto the b u ffalo lap robe Violet -

had provided against the treachero u s night air and gaz ed

o ut a t the gleam ing neon lights Soon we would be in .

Beverly Hills and al ready the q u ai nt native women were

,

swarm ing alongside in their punts urgi ng us to buy thei r

c u nning beadwork and mangoes Occas ionally I threw a .

hand ful of coppers to the Negro b oys who dove for them ,

joyf ully The i nnocent squeals of the po li cemen as the

.

Small blackamoors pinched them were i rres i st i bl e Unable .

to resist them Vi olet and I were soon p i nching each other

,

till o u r Skins glo wed Vi olet was good to the touch wi th

.
,

a firm fleshy texture like a wi nesap or p i pp i n It seemed .

b u t a moment before we were sliding under the porte

coch ere of her home a magnificent rambl i ng structure of
,

beaverboard pattern ed after an Italian ropewalk of the

Sixteenth centu ry It had recently been remodeled by a
.

family of wrens who had i ntroduced chewi ng gum into -

the left wing and only three or four obscure Saxon words
,

could do i t justi ce .

I was barely warm ing my hands i n front of the fire an d

watching Jimmy Fidler turn on a Spi t when my presence
on the Pacific Slope made i tself fel t.T he news of my
arrival had thrown in ternational financial centers into an
uproar and Sheaves of wi res cabl es phone messages and
, , , ,

8 5
even corn began pil ing up An u gly rumor that I m ight
.

reorganize the motion picture ind u stry was being bru ited
-

abo u t in the world s commodi ty markets M y brokers

’
.
,

W hitelipped T rem b ling were beside themselves Th e

,
.

New Yo rk Stock E xchange was begging them for ass u r

an ces of stabili ty and T h readn e e dl e St ree t awai t ed my

next move with dru mming p ulses Film shares ricocheted .

sharply altho ugh wools and meats were sl u ggish if not

, ,

downright s ullen T o the reporters who flocked around

.

me I la u ghingly discla i med that this was a b u siness tri p .

I was Simpl y a scenari o writer to whom the idea of work

was abhorrent A few words murmured i nto the tran s
.

atl anti c telephone the lift of an eyebrow h ere the shrug

, ,

of a Sho ul der there and equil ibri u m was soon restored

,
.

I washed Sparsel y curl ed my mustache w i th a heate d

,

ha irp i n fl i cked a drop of Sheik L ure on my l apel and

, ,

rejoined my hostess .

After a OOpious d inner mel ti ng eye d beauti es i n lacy

,
-

black underth i ngs fought with each other to serv e me

k ii mmel A hurri e d apol ogy and I was curl ed up i n be d
.
,

wi th the Autumn 1 9 2 7 i ssue of The Yale R ev iew Half

, ,
.

way through an exci ting symposi u m on Sir Thoma s Aqu i

nas indebtedness to Professors W hitehead and Spengler
’

I suddenly de t ected a stowaway blonde under the bed .

T u rning a dea f ear to her heartrending entreaties and

burning glances I sent her packing Th en I treated my
,
.

face to a feast of Skin food buri ed my head i n the p illow

,

and went bye bye — .

Bank was drawn u p sti ffly abo u t h i m i n a hollow square
, .

But th e occasion was not a happy one A wri ter had been .

caught tryi ng to create an ad ult p i cture Th e dru ms rolled .

dismally and the wri ter his head s u nk on his chest w as

, , ,

l ed o u t amid a ghastly Silence W ith the aid of a small .

stepladder Plu sh nick slid l ightly from h i s steed St ernly .

he rippe d the epa ul ets and buttons from the trai tor s tu nic ’

broke his sword across his knee and in a few harsh words ,

demoted him to the ma il department .

“

“ “
And now began Plushnick I further c ondemn you
, ,

to eat
“
No n o ! screame d the poor wretch falling to h i s
, ,

“
knees an d em b raci n g Plu sh n ick s jack b oo t s not that ’

, ,

not that !
Stand up man ordere d Plushnick ,his lip curling
, , ,

I condemn yo u to eat in the studio resta u rant for ten

days and may God have mercy on yoursoul The awful .
”

words rang out on the still evening a i r an d even Plush

nick s hardened old mercenaries sh u ddered Th e heart
’
.

rending cri es of the u nfortunate were dro w ned i n the

boom of the s u nset gun .

In the wardrobe d epartment I was photographed fin ,

erprin ted and measured for the smock and W indsor t i e

g ,

which was to be my uniform A nameless fear cl u tched .

at my heart as two i mpassive t u rnkeys herded me down a

co rri dor to my s u pervisor s office For what seemed hours

’
.

we waited in an anteroo m Then my serial numb er was

.

call ed the l eg i ro ns were struck off and I was sh ove d

,
-
,

as
thro u gh a door i nto the presence of Diana ffrench -
Ma
moulian .

How t o describe what followed ? Diana ffrench M amo u -

l ian was acc u s tomed to having her way wi th writers and ,

my long lashes and peach blow mo uth seemed to whip

her to i nsensate desire In vain time and again I tried to
.
, ,

bring her atten tion back to the story we were disc u ssing ,

only to find her gem incru s t ed fingers s traying thro ugh my

-

hair W hen o u r in t erview was over her cynical a tt empt

.
,

”
to date me u p made every fiber of my being my out in
“

revolt .

“
P pl ease
- —
I stammered my face burn i n g I I wish
, , ,

yo u wouldn t I m engaged to a T ri Kappa at

’ ’

Goucher
“
J u st one ki ss sh e pl eaded her breath hot agai nst my
, ,

neck In desperati on I granted her boon kno w i ng full

.
,

well tha t my weak de fences were cru mbling before the

onsla ught of th is love tig ree Finally she allowed me to .

l eave but only after I had promised to dine at her pent

,

ho u se apartment and have an i ntimate chat abou t the

script Th e basket of Slave bracelets and marz ipan I fo u nd
.

awai ting me on my retu rn home made me realize to what

lengths Diana would go .

I was radiant that n ight i n bl u e velvet tail s and a bou

ton niere of diamonds from Cartier s my eyes starry and
’

the merest hint of cologne a t my ear lo b es An inscrutabl e -

.

Orien tal served the Lucullan repast and my vi s av i s w as - -

as e ffervescent as the wine .

H ave a bi t of the wine darling? q u eried Diana solici

,

to u sly i ndicating the roast Long Island airplane with

,

8 9
a pplesa u ce I tried to t u rn o u r conversation from the per
.

sonal note b u t Diana wo uld have none of it Soon we

, .

w ere exchanging gay ban t am over the mellow Vo u vray ,

l a u ghing as we dipped fas tidio u s fingers i n to the Crisc o

parfait for which Diana was fam ou s O u r meal finish ed .
,

we sa u n t ered into the ru mpu s room and Diana tu rned on

’

the radio W ith a savage snarl the radio t u rned on her

.

and we slid over the waxed floor in the i ntricate maze of

the jackdaw s tr u t W i tho u t q u i t e knowing why I fo u nd
.
,

mysel fhesitating before the plate of liqueur candi es Diana

was pressing on me .

“
—
I don t think I Sho ul d really I m a tri fle faint
’ ’

,
“
Oh come on Sh e u rged masterfully Aft er all you re
, , .
,
’

—
old eno u gh to be yo u r father I mean I m old eno u gh to ’

be my mother Sh e stu ffed a brandy bonbon be tw een

'

my clenched tee th Before long I was eating them thirs t ily

.
,

reeling a b o u t the room and Sho u ting snatches of coarse

dru nken doggerel M y brain w as on fire I tell yo u

.
,
.

T hro u gh the haze I saw Diana ffrench M amoulian her -

,

nos t rils dilated grop i ng for me M y scream of terror only

,
.

egged her on overtu rning chairs and tabl es in her bestial

,

p u rs u it W ith s u perh u man talons Sh e tore off my collar

.

and s u spenders I sank to my knees choked wi th sobs

.
, ,

hanging on to my l ast sh i rt stud like a drowning man Her

-
.

Svengali eyes were Sl owl y hypnotiz i ng me ; I fought like

—
a wo u nded bird and then bliss ful unconsciousness ,
.

W hen I came to the Oriental servant and Diana wer e

,

ba t tling i n the center of the floor As I watched Yen .

,

Shee Gow drove a well a i med blow to her mid secti on

- -
,

followi ng it wi th a right cross to the jaw D iana staggered .

 P '
s s T
- -
, P AR TN ER , Y o m
P E R I S TA L SI S I S S H OW I N G

I w as strollin g a i mlessly down Fi fth Avenu e

the o ther a fternoon when several dollars which had been
b u rning a hole in my pocket s u ddenly burs t into flame
an d I fo u nd myself in Brentano s By the time my pants
’
.

had stopped smoldering I discovered I owned a pro fu sely ‘

“
illustra t ed set of B rantOme s Spicy Lives of Fai r and Gal ’

”
lant Ladies a brass paper knife and a weird pamphlet
, ,

called T obacco the W eed Th at M ade Ameri ca F a

“
,

mo u s by H C Apgar of E lizabe th New Jersey Th e

, . .
, , .

Brant ome I expec t to dispose of at a profit; i t j u st happens

I know a high school b oy who i s majori ng i n eighteenth
-

cent u ry court li fe As for the paper kni fe I may have a

.
,

use for that also One of these evenings preferably a dark

.
, ,

overcast one I am going out to E lizabeth New Jersey

, , ,

press it against somebody s gullet and recover the doll ar ’

I paid for his pamphlet .

AS I reconstruct it from the preface Apgar brok e wi th ,

all s t imulants but particularly t obacc o some eighteen

, ,

y ears ago and

,
Since then has devoted his energy of which ,

he seems to have a frightening amo u nt to ind u c i ng the ,

nation to follow his example Th e response has been less .

than overwhelming to judge from the ann u al i ncome of

,

G eorge W ashington Hill b u t Apgar has gone on doggedly ,

iss u ing jeremiads against the weed and such minor stimu
lants as chocol ate s oda pop and chewing g um all of
, , ,

which he regards as pernicio u s in varying degrees He ex .

e mplifie s the sin i ster e ffect of chewi ng gum for i nstance , ,

92
with the case of a woman troubled wi th a nervous twi tch ~
i ng of the eyes frightened at trivial noises etc H er tro u
, , .

ble was diagn osed as Ne u rosis Sh e discon tinued the use

.

”
of gu m and in six mon ths her trouble was gone An .

amazing cure certainly and one the American Psychia tric

, ,

Associa tion will do well to ponder a t i ts next cauc u s If .

Apgar s gloomy progn osis is correct I fully expect to wind

’

up in a ragged shawl o u tside the corner candy store tear ,

a

—
fully i mploring my twitching over stimulated young to ,

come home wi th me Unfort u nately the a u thor vi tiates

.
,

the force of his cru sade somewhat by lapsing mysterio u sly

i nto a long wrangling den u nciation of the Julian calen
,

d ar I lost the thread and ass u med he was referring to the

.

J ul ian Callender I used to know in Provi dence a willowy ,

party who ran a tearoom named the Ligh t ed T aper and

“ ”
Owned a first edition of J u rgen Luckily I d i sco vered my .
,

error j u st as I was sitting down to compose a pretty heated ,

answer to what I consider an unprovoked assault .

Though Apgar s philippic di ffers little from the usual

’

tract on the s ubject it contains one feature of interest

,

to st u dents of the thea t re to say nothing of anyb ody pos

,

Sessing a full complement of vital organs T his is a put .

p orte d ly comic dialog u e between the bra i n and t he s t om ~

ach i ntended to dramatize the penalty of ind iscri minate
,

eating and smoking Like the tru e tyro Apgar gives no

.
,

stage direction to indicate where the colloq uy i s taking

place but I ass u me his players are standing before a
,

painted drop with a fountain in the background and rows

,

of store fronts receding into the distance T here is prob .

9 3
ably a Sidewalk clock on a standard marked J W ei ntraub .
,

—
Jeweler Home of Friendly C redit the legend Acme ” “
,

”
Lunch Open All Night on one of the shop windows
, ,

and a card on an easel reading B rian B RA IN Solly

—
ST O M ACH Soc i ety s Favorite F u nsters And since
’ ”
.
,
’

Apgar i s too preoccupied with m oral ferv or to characterize

his acti on we shall have to imagine for ourselves what they
,

l ook like The bra i n I presume is a fastidiously dressed

.
, ,

straight man on the order of E ugene H oward in a double ,

breasted jacket and straw hat Sporti ng a M alacca cane ,

.

Th e stomach by contrast wears a paper dickey pants

, , ,

easily five s i zes too large for him a red putty nos e and , ,

huge floppy
,
shoes Undoubtedly both carry bl adders or
.
,

at least tambouri nes with wh i ch they str ike each other at

,

i nterval s .

F rom i ts very first li nes the ski t betrays the poverty of

i nvention and shallow u nderstanding of his puppets typi
cal of a reformer turned p l aywr i ght

BRAIN : N ow, you listen to me Stomach That last mess of ,

(
.

nourishment y ou s ent up had nothi ng in it a dog could use .

STOM ACH Well how c ould I help it? I d id the b est I coul d
: ,

with the mess that was given me to digest for you r b enefit ,
.

How Apgar hope d to i ntri gue his au di ence wi th so

edest ri an and maladro i t an O pening baffles com reh
p p
si on There are any n u mber of provocative gambits he
.

might have chosen Bra i n and Stomach might h u r ry i n

.

from opposite wi ngs collide i n center stage and embark,

-
,

on a noisy good h u mored argument in the manner of

,
-

Q ui rt an d Flagg Or they c ould be fish i ng for penn i es

.

94
enou gh to fl oat an eg g—I b elieve they call this demi tasse; just -

a sma ll cup of c offee to you and me

BRAIN I th ought somethi ng u nu su al was happening I ju st
: .

rec eived the ef fec ts of some b eer h ighb all s pl enty of c iga , ,

rott es but no ch ew i n t ob acc o I w ond er w h h e d oesn t ch ew

’

, g y .

tobacco?

Noti ce i f you pl ease how c u nn i ngl y th i s preci ous pai r

, ,

has created a portrait of the master as a slack jawed im -

beeile snob and gl u tton W i th cons u mmate carelessness

, , . .

Stomach observes that he attended a card game a fact ,

Brain seems to be unaware of T h e assump tion c onse .

,

q u entl y is that th i s ci tizen l eaves his brain at home when

,

—
he gambles Scarcel y a type of appeal to the pop ular mind .

T h e sneeri ng reference to demi tasse ”

“
i mplies f u rther -

that he i s fast becoming too big for his breeches and that
homespun folks like Bra i n and Stomach ref u se to be over
awed by Su ch Gall ici sms If anyth ing though Brai n i s the
.
, ,

“
greater blackgu ard of the two for h i s sniggeri ng I won ,

”
der why he doesn t chew t obacco ? reveals him not onl y
’

as a sneak b u t a pro v ocate ur He knows that a man in a.

weakened conditi on c0ping wi th a hangover and a bell y

,

ache is open to any s u ggesti on no matter how d eSperate

, , ,

b u t like Samson Brai n i s rea dy to pull d own the whole

, ,

h u man templ e aro u nd him j u st for a l augh Contempo .

ra ry l i terat u re may y i eld up a more fiendish ex ampl e of the

will to self destruction b u t I do u bt i t

-
,
.

Had Apgar motivated the acti on so that i t buil t to a

cli max i n wh i ch the man discovered th i s perfidy excori
"

ated his worthless apprenti ces an d fl u ng them out i nto ,

th e n i ght he m i ght have had an ex c i ti ng fast mov i ng

, ,
-

9 0
melodrama O r employing honest emotional values he
.
, ,

c o u ld have construc t ed a Si t u ation whereby Bra i n an d

Stomach in a moving renuncia t ion scene o u t of T olstoy

, ,

left t o expia t e their sins in the salt mines of Siberia I n .

stead he permi ts his crea tures t o contin u e h u rling cheap

,

gibes at the man who pays for their bread and butt er and
closes on a no t e of defea tism and sa b o tage yo u would
expect of such fi fth columnists
STO M ACH : O K I ll take this matter up w ith him by pro
’
.
,
.

duc ing an aw ful pai n or Si ckness, as I k now of no oth er w ay of

app eali ng to him, but this w on t d o mu ch good as he w ill d ri nk
’

some likker or send d ow n some pills which a e su e to b e

“ ”
r r

—
his old favo ites physio or asp n r i ri .

BRAIN O K Pal G ood night See you in the morni ng w ith

: . .
, . .

a h eadache .

If Apgar plans to tra d e on the c u rrent revival of interes t

i n va u deville and diver t a few dollars i n t o his pocke t wi th
this shoddy morality he i s reckoning Wi tho u t the p ublic ,
.

Theatregoers will never disgorge two t wenty to be t ol d -

their innards are spi es diversionists and wreckers Le t him , ,

.

scrap li is abs u rd mixture of soapy evangelism and tawdry

cynicism ; let him tu rn h i s hand t o a gay tu ne ful operetta ,

based on fun in the d u ctless glands or depicting the v is

cera as jolly good fellows And while he s at i t let him .
’

—
enclose that long overd u e dollar to h i s fri end and well
w i sher S J Perelman
, . . .
 A P OX ON Y O U,
M I N E G OOD LY HO S T

A fe w
n ights ago I stroll e d i nto our P ompeian
li vi ng ro om i n my stock i ng feet b edad wi th a c i gar in my
, ,

mo u th and a s ilk hat tilted b ack on my head to find M ag ,

gi e wi th Osprey plumes in her ha i r and a new evening

,

cape p ull ing on long wh i te gloves A l ittl e cluster of ex

,
.

clamati on po i nts and planets formed over her head as she

saw me .

“ ”
Aren t you d ressed yet you bonehea d? She thun
’

,
“
d ered Or were you sneaking down to D inty M oore s
.
’

for corned bee f and cabbage with those worthless cron i e s

”
of yours ? I soon ban i shed the good woman s fears and i n ’

response to my queri es she drew from her reti cul e an ad

v ertisem en t cl i p pe d from the Sun It d i splayed photo .
«

graphs of George S Kaufman and M OSS Hart framed i n

.

“
a fam ily album over the legend From Schrafl t s Album ’

of Disti ng ui shed Guests Th e parade of lumina ri es who

.
‘

enjoy Schrafft s hearty d i nners i ncludes col u mnists spo rts

’

wri t ers stage and radi o personal ities football coaches

, , ,

ill u s trators prod u cers Adding to the gl i tter of th i s list are

, .

the dis tingui shed names of Kaufman and Hart who have ,

”
w ri tt en many a Broadway h i t Of course noth ing woul d
.
,

do b u t we m u st dine at Schrafft s that very evening an d ’

mingle i n the pageantry so witho u t further ado we set o u t

,
.

Al tho ugh i t was not yet seven o cl ock when o u r cab ’

pulled up in front of the Forty th ird Street branch a s iz - ~ ,

able crowd of a u tograph seekers had assembled and were

-

eagerly scr u tiniz i ng each new arr iva l A rapturous s hout .

98
s hif t to a fascinated ci rcl e while th ere Ann Cori o demon
,

strated s t il l another to an even mo re spellbound circle .

M yron Selznick Frank Orsatti and Leland Hayward had

, ,

j u s t planed in from the Coast to sign everyone to agency

con tracts and now swept along b y sheer momentu m
, , ,

were b u sily s i gning each other As far as the eye could see .
,

at tables in the background gourmets were gorging them ,

—
selves on chicken gible t and cream cheese sandwiches
- - -
,

apple pandowdy and orange snow One fine old epicure

,
.
,

wh o had ordered a s iz zling platter wi tho u t speci fying what

food was to be on it was nevertheless ea ting the platter
,

i tsel f and smacking his lips noisily Small wonder that .

several wo rld famed ill u s tra t ors among them Henry Ra

-
,

l eigh Norman Rockwell and Pruett Carter had set up

, ,

easels and w ere limning the brilliant sce ne wi th s wi ft

'

strokes I was drinking i n every detail of the shi fting pano

.

rama when a hostess well over nine feet tall with i ce ,

mantling her summ i t waved me toward a door marked ,

“
Credentials
“
W e w e just wanted the old fashioned nut p u dding
- -

wi th ice cream sa u ce M a am
”
-
I stammered
,
’

, .

“
That s u p to the commit t ee M ooz eer she said
’

, ,

“
b ri skly If we l et in every T o rn Dick and Ha rry who
.
,

wan t ed the old fashioned n u t p u dding wi th ice cream

- -

sa u ce Ah good evening Contessa ! Back from Hobe

, ,

So u nd already ?

I en t ered a smal l room exq u isitely fu rnished i n B i eder

meier and took my place in a short q u e u e of applican ts .

M ost of them were obvio u sly u nder tension and the poor ,

1 00
wre tch i n front of me w as a pitiabl e spectacl e His eyes
rolled wildly tremors shook his frame and i t was appar~
.

, ,

ent he enterta ine d small hOpe of meeti ng the rigorous

requ irements .

“
W hat have Kaufman and Hart got that I haven t ’

” “
got ? he demanded of me desperately I bought a ho u s e .

in B u cks County and wrote two plays both smash hi ts , r

even if they didn t come to New York Why you ought

’
.
,

to see the revi ews Tea an d Strumpe ts and O n ce i n a

W ife time got i n Syracuse ! I reass u red h i m as best I
co uld but his premoniti ons were well fo u nded for a few
, ,

moments l ater he was i gnominio u sly dispatched to dine

at a ca feteri a I was shufiling forward to confront the tigh t
.

lipped examiners when a sc u ffle broke o u t i n the foyer and

Ka u fman and Hart b u ndled in astrakhan greatcoats and
,

their eyes flashing fire were herded in unceremoni o usly

,
.

“
W ha t i s the meaning of this this bes tiality? Sp u t
— ”
e

“
tered Hart H ow dare you b ar us from this bourgeoi s
.

”
b is tro ?
“
I ve been thrown o u t of better restaurants than th is !
’

boomed Ka u fman rapidly namrng several high class res

,
-

tau ran ts from which he had been ejected T he cha i rma n .

of the board picked u p a dossier and t u rned a cold sm il e

on the playwrights
“
Natu rally we regret any inconvenience to you gen
,

”
tle m en he said smoo thly b ut o u r ho u se rules are in
, ,

fl exible You wrote a play called L ady 1n th e D ark did

.
,

yo u no t M r Ha rt ? Hart regarded him s t onily Starring

, .
”
.

”
Gertru de Lawrence I believe ? ,
“ ” “
Yes snapped Hart and she s si tting righ t u p at the
, ,
’

101
fo u ntain this min u te havi ng a r u m and b u tter toffee s u n ~ - - -

”
dae wi th chopped pecans .

“
W hy were we not shown the script of that play M r ,
.

”
Hart ? Th e chairman s voice was silky wi th menace ’
.

“
Wh y was no b ody i n the Frank C Shattu ck organization ;

”
cons ulted regarding casting?
“
— ”
I I meant to q u avered Hart I swear I did ! I told
, .

—
my secretary I made a no t e
T hought yo u d sm u ggle i t i nto town without us did
’

” “
you ? snarled the chairman Let em read the out of .
’
-

”
town noti ces i n Varie ty eh ? A tide of crimson welled u p,

the alabaster col u mn of Hart s neck and he stood down ’

cast stari ng at his toecaps Ka u fman wo uld fain have in

, .

te rc ed ed for h i s associa t e but the chairman s t opped him,

wi th a curt gesture .

“
Hamburg Heaven for th i rty days he barked T ake , .

”
’
em away .

“
Help help ! screamed the l uckl ess duo abas ing them
, ,

selves B u t no ves t ige of pity l u rked i n the chairman s

’
.

g ranite vi sage and an ins ,

t ant la t er they were borne k i ck ,

i ng and sq u ealing from the chamber by two brawny at

,

tendants .

And now li ttle else remains to be told How I managed .

to el u de my captors and steal the s u perb mocha c u pcake

— “
the natives call Th e Star of Forty third Stree t Between
Six th Aven u e and Broadway m u s t be le ft to ano ther
chronicle Su ffi ce to say th a t whenever yo u r mo ther and
.

I pass Schrafft s she tu rns t o me wi th a secret smile and

’

we con tin u e righ t on u p to Lindy s W e can still get i n ’

.

there wi tho u t a visa .

1 02
thei r T squares Th e results were r u n up by nine leading
-
.

New York shops ph otographed by nine l eading pho tog ,

ra h ers named Anton Br u ehl and appear on nine pages

p ,

of the F ebruary i ssue And i n case you th i nk there s no th .

’

i ng to numerology M ummy has h ad a Sl mply bl i nding ,

headache for the pa st nine days .

Aft er a hasty peek i nto thei r c rystal ball the designers ,

were u nanimous i n the opinion that the Girl of T omorrow

wo u ld di ffer considerably from M iss 1 9 43 who it ap , ,

p ears i
,
s little better than a bundle of assor t ed neuroses ,

b ronchitis and stocking runs M edical Science will have

“
.
,

made her body P erfect fl u ently reports M r D onal d ,

”
.

“
D eskey She ll never know obesi ty emaciati on colds i n
’
.
, ,

the head superfluous hair or a bad complexion thanks —

, ,

to a controlled diet controlled basal metabolism Her ,

.

height w ill be i ncreased her eyelashes l engthened wi th — ,

”
some X hormone -
L est this terrify you or rem i nd you
.

of M r M ax B eerb oh m s descri pti on of posteri ty i n E n oc h

’
.

Soames all of them smelling ra ther strongly of car

holic And all of them qu i te
. M r George Sak ier .

“
adds a reass u ring note : Th e woman of the future wil l
b e tall and slim and lovel y ; she will be bred to it for the —
d electation of the community and her ow n happiness .

Sh e will have a new freedom i n ti me and space She wi ll .

move i n a world of vast horizons Her viewpo int will be .

clear and direct She wi ll be free from complexes and .

i nhi b i tions Her clothes wi ll be s i mple and free from fan

.

tasy She will take the m i racles of science for granted an d

.
,

will not make a fe tish of f u ncti onal form s or of des i gn ,

”
for f u ncti on
-
I breathe d a li ttl e easier when I read that
.

1 04
E very time you ask your hostess at a party these days ,
“
W h o i s that tall girl in the corner with the enchanting
” “
b osom ? you i nva riably get the careless reply Oh that s
’

, ,

Liane She makes a fetish of fu nc tional forms and de

.
‘

”
sign for functi on And as i f this weren t bad eno u gh it
- -
.
’

always turns out Liane has a manic depressive h u s b and -

who makes a fetish of hitting people who tickle his wi fe .

Given this s uperb chassis the designers seem evenly ,

divided about u phol stering i t M essrs T eagu e Sak ier . .

, ,

Deskey and Dreyfuss feel that the maxi mum of it will be

,

put on display and consequently package the W oman of

,

T omorrow i n transparent chifl on glass yarn and cello , ,

phane ; M r Dreyfu ss who I take it i s a more old fash

.
, , ,
-

ion ed type boy favors a sk i n ti ght bl ack net which was

,
-
,

good eno u gh for my grandfather and is good eno ugh for

me These materials explains M r T eague of his fabrics
.
,
”
.

“
of the f u tu re will be of chemical ori gin and many will
, ,

be either transparent or transl u cent w ith an in div idu al ,

life of th eir own I hope this last phrase of M r T eag u e s

” ’
. .

is purely figurative ; o ffhand the tho ught of clo thes lead ,

«

ing an existence 1nd epe n dent of their owner 18 a li ttle on

the Spooky s i de How are you going to remain cool an d
.

p oised on that future day when yo u demand ho t ly of yo u r

wi fe ,
W here i n the hell are those pants I threw over
“

” “
that chair last night? only to ge t the answer O h they "

, ,

went u p to Pride s Crossrng for the weekend wi th my ’

”
gi rdle They ll be back T u esday morning ?
.
’

The o ther camp among the des i gners M ess rs W righ t

— .
,

,
—
Loewy Arens and Plat t i s m u ch more inclined t o s tres s
,

woman s age old desire for fancy pl u mage T o this end

’
-
.

1 05
they wrap her i n alumin u m foil woollens i nterwoven ,

wi th elec t ric wi re and as yet u ndiscovered fabrics to

, ,

q u ote M r Loewy of microsc0pic cell ular constru c tion

.
,
“
,

made of a con tracting and expanding fibre W hat is this .

”

awful preocc u pa tion wi th havi ng your clo thes twitch

aro u nd in a horri d li ttle li fe of their own ? Did I miss some

thing ? I have the strange feeling that I have been asleep

for twen ty years and tha t everybody is jeering at my
unkempt hair and rus ty fowling piece .

W h en it comes to M ilady s accessori es there i s no ’

holding back the boys ; they j u st l ay back on the hip and

“
p u ff till the b u nk is bl u e with smoke Sh e may wear i n .

her hair a headlight says M r W right of his model in

, .

evening dress an ornamental cylinder with a h ug e man

,

”
m ade diamond electrically lighted The least her escort .

co uld do u nder the circ u ms tances i s carry an old fashioned -

s t em winding wa tch and whistle at the grade crossings

-
.

M r Arens dressing a hypo thetical bride i n glass confines

.
, ,

“
her waist in a seq u in belt of which he say s These sequ ins
, ,

are really Stimsonite tra ffic re fl ec t ors of Luc it e made by

‘ ’

the Signal Service Corporation They are warran ted to .

pick u p and reflect the light from an a u tomobile headlight

”
a mile distant which certainly o ught to prove a boo n
,

to the innumerable brides who are members of the United

St ates Army Signal Corps M r Dreyfu ss provides his miss . .

wi th a combinati on electri c fan and vanity case desc ribed ,

as follows : Nothing coquettish abou t it for it will ge t its ,

c u rrent by radi o waves thro u gh the ether and w ill cool

this gi rl as well as cl i p the noses of any unwelcome s u itors
,
.

The propeller like bl ades made of a transparent plasti c

-
, ,

1 06
 —
Plexiglas two words i ncidentally which I will thank
, ,

M r R ohde t o tow o u t to sea and b u rn at his earliest con

.

v en ien c e This appalling li t tle ves t is designed to contain

.

a two way telephone radio set ofli ce eq u ipment and con

-
, , ,

t rol swi t ches for the air waves which hea t and cool th e
s ui t T he feet pres u mably with streamlined bunions are
.
, ,

to be encased in no thing more or l ess than congress gaiters

“
with breather pores j u st large eno ugh for air but too ,

small for water and finally men will have returned to, ,

wearing long hair and marcelled beards in the fashion of

Artaxerxes And perhaps we shall find a few platinum
.

”
blondes too m u rm u rs M r Rohde engagingly
, , . .

F or two days now I have been cro u ching i n a corn er of

this c oal bin en joying a peace I n ever tho ugh t possible
,
.

Of co u rse the grit gets in your teeth and there s a leak

,
’

i n that pipe overhead b u t on the other hand it s j u st a

,
’

tri fle too dark for readi ng Wh y you couldn t even see .

,
’

your hand before your face particularly i f i t were holding,

a copy of Vogu e And goodness knows i t ll be a l ong

.
,
’

ti me b ef ore it s steady enough for th at

’
.
 FOO TN O TE O N TH E
Y E LL O W P E R I L

I fy
have been bothered wi th any mysteri ous
ou
aches or pains this summer Bellevue H OSpital has been ,

going aro u nd the last few days cockily pu ffing o ut its chest
beca u se it has acqui red a new laborato ry of tropical medi
eme j u st drop down th ere and they wi l l be glad to tel l
.

you at a glance whe ther you are sufferi ng from Sprue the ,

Delhi boil M adura foot Bilharz ia and related fl uke dis

, ,

eases ( Bilharzra 18 no fluke let me tell you ; there s nobody

,
’

to blame but yoursel f) the P eruvian wart o r any of the

, ,

va rio u s forms of pork trich inae I am even thinking of .

going down there myself for a littl e reuphol steri ng M ine .

isn t exactly a physical th i ng unles s I caught someth i ng

’

from reading Alice T isdale Hobart s books ; it s more of ’ ’

a Far E astern menta l compl ai nt I just can t seem to tell .

’

those Ch inese war lords apart .

T he trouble starte d a l ong ti me ago when Chi ang the ,

P rem i er of China ( have I made any m i stakes so

went over to borrow a cup of Opi um from Chang an d
ex change goss i p N ow that sho u ldn t be hard : Chiang
’
.
,
“
went to chin wi th Chang This Chang i s Young Chang
.

“ ”
and sho uld not b e con fused wi th Old Chang h i s father , ,

the one ti me rul er of M an chun a As soon as I found thi s

-
.

ou t I started confusing them and i t didn t hel p any to

, ,
’

“ ”
learn that Yo u ng Chang has two brothers of the same
name One of them 18 this h amm sca t um younger bro th er
.
-

“
whom the Chinese s i mply adore an d call that murtherin ’

sh a l n w a m m Th other Comm u n i st d
p p ee urr , e 18 a
. an
1 00
lives i n M oscow; his people d i sti ngui sh h im from his
“ ”
b rother as Fai th that mu rth erin Rooshian b h oyo
’
.
,

j u st when I had all t his nea t ly pegged and was going

along leading a li fe of B u ddhis tic calm con t emplating ,

my navel Chang decided to kidnap Chian g W hat his

, .

motive was I can t i magine unless i t was to con fu se me

’

horribly The paper I read i t i n u n fort u na t ely happened

.

to carry as well a p u blici ty release abo u t a new book called

“
Yang and Yin At the close of b u siness that day the
.
,

Ol d prickly sensation had re tu rned and I fo u n d mysel f

b u rs ting i nto tea rs over the most trivial mat t ers I Spent .

a whi t e night trying to straighten mysel f o u t bu t by morn ,

i ng all I managed to remember was that I had once seen

“ ”
a film called Chang wi th a very c u te monkey i n i t I .

had barely pinned on my pigtail and sat down to my

breakfast of steamed ri ce and bamboo shoots when a
woman represen ting he rself as my wife li fted he r head
from a thea t rical magazine and asked me i f I had ever
seen Della Fo x i n W ang “
.
”

I slid o u t of my chair barking l ike a P ekingese an d

merci fully fainted away .

—
I t was to u ch and go wi th me for fo rty eight ho u rs and ,

I d like to take this Oppor tu ni ty of thanking my wi fe and

’

the three conc ubines for their u nsparing devotion in my

behal f Soon however the crisis was past and then came
.
, , ,

long slow days of convalescence with my collie bo u nd

, ,

i ng beside me on the lawn and t u gging at my parasol .

Good old T owser ! I d like to take this Opportu nity of

’

thanking him for his u nsparing devotion For i t was on .

T owser that the burden fell of d ress i ng the ch ild ren ,

1 10
i t i s keeping company with one L ui se Rainer and she
, ,

p lays the lead in T h e Goo d E ar th which is about a char

,

acter named W ang And now they tell me M r Odets

. .

i s going to d o a sto ry for a prod u cer named W anger F or .

o n ess sa k e has e v e ry b od y gon e stark s tarin W ang ?

’

g od , , g
 M I D WI N T E R
FA CI AL TR EN DS

A s c e n ar io
wri t er I know who had been
,

working uninterr u ptedly i n Hollywood for three years ,

finally got back to New York for a two week va ca tion H e

-
.

l ad barely unpacked his gold backed mili t ary hairb r u shes

-

1n d p u t on a red moiré smok l ng j acke t when a wire from

ris agent ordered him b ack to th e C oast for an assign ‘

n ent Th e yo u ng man preferred to stay b u t his con

.
,

;cien ce reminded h i m of the two h u ndred and fi fty tho u ~

;and dollars in annui ti es he was carrying and this in tu rn
,

;ummon ed up a frighten i ng picture of a desti tute old age

avh en he m i ght have to work on a n ewspape r aga i n an d

i d e i n stree t cars A fter wrestling wi th himself for sev~

.

ral ho u rs he decide d to assert his independ ence He

,
.

;ent back a Spunky wire to the e f fect that he was working

m a novel and could not return u nder any conditi ons
i n l ess his sala ry was ra i sed to seven t een hundred and

ifty dollars a week i ns tead of fi fteen hundred T hen he

, .

org ot all abo u t it except to lie awake three nights and

,

tay i ndoors waiting for the telephone to u ng .

T o nobo d y s s u rprise the deal went through and forty

’
!

, ,

:i h t ho u rs later the scenari o writer was sitting in a pro

g
luc er s ofli ce in Hollywo od a lit tle worse for the plane
’

rip and a b ox of sodi u m Amytal tablets I n a few badly .

h osen wo rds the prod u cer explained his predicament .

I e had a t errific s t ory ; i t smelled b ox O ffice a mile away .

lut eve ry wri t e r on the payroll had been s tum ped for the
2 three months by one de t ai l
18 1 .
 “
I ll t ell you th e meat of the story sai d the produc er
’

, .

I t s got plenty of spontinuity when yo u ma ul it over

’

i n yo u r mind only j u st this on e little thing you got to

,

”
figu re o u t .

“
Give m u rm u red the scenario wri ter closing his
, ,

eyes t o i ndica t e that his fac ul ties were p u rring like a

Diesel engine .

“
W e fade i n on a street in Lo ndon began the pro ,
“
d uc er fading i n on a street in London It s ab ou t fo u r ’
.
,

O clock in the mo rning and I see a g u y dressed i n rags

’

dragging himself along through the fog a Lon Chaney ,

type g uy He s all twisted and crippled up Voom ! All

.
’
.

of a s u dden he d u cks do w n an areaway and knocks on a

door I t opens and I see a gorgeo u s hallway wi th Chinese

.

ru gs and M ing vases W e hold the camera on it and milk .

whatever we can fro m the scene Th e minute the g u y s

’
.

inside he straightens u p takes off this harness and u nti es

, , ,

his leg Wh at I mean i s the g u y s as normal as yo u or

.
,
’

.
—
me Any audienc e ll b uy that am I right? Then we tru ck
’

wi th him thro u gh a door and he s in like a hospital cor ’

rid or He pulls on rubber gloves and an Operating

.

go w n
“
W ait a m i n u te the wri ter i nterrupte d ri s i ng Am I
, ,
.

”
s u pposed t o spot la ughs in this ?
“
Sidd ow n commanded the prod u cer There s a mil
’

, .

lion opportu nities for good crazy dialogue la t er on W e .

wipe the g u y into an opera t ing room and pan aro u nd .

He s go t ten fi ft een bea uti ful dames chai ned to the walls
’

wi th p rac tically no thing on and if that don t kill em I ,

’ ’

d on t know show b u siness Th e legal depar t men t s takin g

’ ’
.

1 14
b rothe rs M ayo wo ul d have fl inch ed under Cosme tic
S u rge ry .

Th e au thor sta rts ofl casually enough wi th i nstruc ti ons

for c orrecting o utstanding cars which range all the way ,

from tying them fl at to the head to some pret ty violent

s u rgery Personally I have fo u nd that a short length of
.
,

three q u a rter inch M anila hemp bo u nd stou tly abo u t the

- -

h ead the kno t protr u ding belo w one s felt hat adds a
’

, ,

raki sh twi st to the fea tures and effectively prisons ears

i nclined to flap i n the w i nd A sal ty dash may be im .

parted to the ensemble by clipping the rope i n tar or even ,

s u bsti tuti ng oak u m for hemp .

I must confess that the chapter h eaded Nose wi th the

”
Bulbo us T ip on page so fired my blood and I read
, , ,

three or fo u r pages avidly wai ting for the appearance of

H ercul e P o i rot or even Inspector Le strade be fore I dis
covered that n o cri me had been committed B u t on page .

79 ,
just as I fin i shed ya w ning thro u gh some hints on
d i m i n ishing the und uly large mo u th by hemsti tching it at
the co rners Dr M iller plu cked the roses from my cheeks
,
.

with M argi nal T attooing as a M eans of Adding to the

“

Apparent W idth of the Lips T hat may not be yo u r idea .

of a p u nchy title for the marq u ee of a theatre b u t i f Bo ris ,

Karl off were in i t you d pay yo u r six six ty fast eno u gh

’
-
.
,

Livi ng as I do on the hem of the wilderness I was not ,

aw are that ta t too i ng abo u t the margi n of the lips t o

”
overcome und u e thinness had bec ome a commonplace .

“
The techniq u e i s as follo w s : The skin i s p u nc tured or
pricked O pe n w i th a needle The p u ncturing does not .

extend thro ugh the skin b u t merely into the tru e ski n
,
.
( Come ,
come Doctor
,
l et s not quibbl
,
e
’

]After the pun c

tures have been made the coloring is rubbed in with the

,

point of the needle or wi th a sligh tly flattened spud Some .

reacti on may be expected to follow the operati on b ut ,

healing is compl ete i n a few days W hy any reaction

.
”

save bored om should follow rubb i ng a pati ent s lips wi th

’

a potato is not clear to me b u t I suppose that if one were

,

allergic to po tatoes one m ight become restless under the

,

massage Speaking for myself I have always been very

.
,

parti al to potatoes especially th ose of the co ttage fri ed

,
-

It i s on page 9 2 wi th Th e Formati on of the D i mpl e

, ,

that Dr M iller really removes the buttons from th e foils

.

“
It is my practi ce in these cases he states to thoroughly
, ,

scru b the cheek and then a fter having the pati ent smile
, , ,

Sel ect the po i nt where a dimple should form under ordi

nary c i rc u ms tances .I mark this point and insert my ,

hypoderm i c needle The Operative method from now on

.

i s strikingly similar to fishing for perch through a hole in

the ice T he Doctor lowers a line wi th a bobber and a bit
.

of red flannel bu i lds a fire on the pati ent s forehead an d

’

, ,

sits down to warm h i s hands till a dimple is hooked Th e .

“
patien t lies there so ftly whimpering I didn t have ,
’

eno ugh tro uble I had to have dimples like Robert T aylor
,

”
y et ! And there le t u s leave them in the so ftly fl ickeri ng
fireligh t with the tho u ght tha t it wi ll flicker m u ch b etter
,

if yo u pile on an occasional page out of C osme ti c S urg ery ,

by Charles C M iller. .
 CO UN TER -R EV O LUTI ON

—
T h e other n i ght a forty fiv e year Old fri end of
- -

m i ne after i ngesti ng equal po rtion s of Greek fire an d

,

artill ery p u nch set out to prove that he could walk acros s
,

a parquet flooring on h i s hands while balancing a vase on

his head As a consequence abou t eleven o cloc k the fol
.
,
’

lowing m orning he was being trepanned at the Harkness

Pavili on and I was purchasing a b ottle of M ajor s Cement
‘
’
.

I had reassembled the shards and was about to uncork the

cement bottle when the bold yell ow l eaflet i n wh i ch i t
was wrapped caught my eye T o predi ct that th i s small
.

circ ular wil l eventuall y outrank M agna Carta and the

P eace of Breda i n hi sto ri cal si gnifi canc e may seem au da
c i o ns Yet even the most frivol ous cannot escape its
.

i mpli cati ons for i n a s i ngl e decis ive stroke i t al ters the
,

en ti re status of the consumer .

F rom i ts open i ng sentence the d ocument was marke d

,

by a note of brooding remrnrscent of a man ifesto :

,

I fw e coul d make the c ement in li qu id form and transparent,

and a t the same time as strong an d as p roof agai ns t moistu re as

it is now we would b e glad to d o so

,
. B ut this cannot b e done .

A dozen lines further on the manufacturer was fretting

,

agai n over the p ossibl e i mputation that he was holding

back on his product :
I f we coul d mak e a cement transparent and in li quid form
as s tro ng as the way we make our cement we woul d do it ,
.

1 18
b ilitiesi n a c u rta i n ra i ser wi th the hOpe that i t may
-
,

—
inspire some fellow d ramatist to attempt a more sus
tain ed fli ght :

ce e Th m e s furn is hing s ecti o n of a large d epart

’

( S n : e n

m en t sto re As th e curtain rise s a sales man Axel M ug the

.
, , _ ,

is w ai ting on a pa tro n M un th e is n ot rela te d to the p hys

. i
The S tory of San M ich ele ; i t is s imp ly
“ ”
c ian w ho w r ote

an in teres tin g c o in ci d en c e E n ter Leo n ar d D eYil b iss a

.
,

—
typ i cal c ustom er in fac t a luggage tag rea din g M r Av er
,
“
.

”
ag e Con s u m er d epen ds fro m the sk ir t Of his to pc oat .

H e look s timidly at M un the ) .

—
DEVILBISS D O yo u sell M acki naws h ere ?
—
M UN T H E N O we give em away T hat s how w e
,
’
.
’
s tay in
—
b usiness giving away free M ackinaws .

—
D E V rL B rss I don t see any aro u nd here
’
.

M UN T H E W hat the devil do you think those are han g

—
—
i ng on the rack fl oun ders?
eV il b iss mee k ly tak es a seat an d p ic k i ng u p cop ies of
( D ,

” “ ” ”
Click ,
Pic an d ,
Look b egin s to ho ld the p ages ,

agai ns t the light to discov er p oss ib le salacious effec ts ) .

—
P AT RO N ( un certainly ) I don t know about thes e ’

shorts I ha d i n m i nd something with a banjo seat

. .

—
M UN T H E Banj o seat ! Banjo seat ! Wh y d on t you wear
’

a banjo and b e done wi th i t ?

—
P AT RO N These won t shri nk will they? ’

— —
M UN T H E Look Boulder Dam shrank si x i nches l ast
y ear. You want me to underwr i te a pa i r of l ousy n i ne ty
—
e i ght cent s h ort s aga i n st i t ?

1 20
 —
P AT RON Hmm W ell I think I ll l ook aro u nd
.
,
’
.

—
M UN T H E Not i n here yo u won t If yo u wa n t to ,
’
.

browse go to a bookstore ( P atron exits ; M un the ap

,
.

All ri ght Buster break it u p Yo u r e

’
roac h es D eV il b iss
p ) , , .

not in yo u r cl u b .

D E V I L B rss I d l ike to try on some M acki naws

— ’
.

M UN T H E ( suspicio u s ly ) Go t any money? -

—
D E V I L B rss Yes sir ( H e s ho w s M an the some money
.
,

La tter relu c tan tly p u lls out rack ) .

—
M UN T H E Now let me see You want someth i ng i n
,
.

i mported camel s hair fl eece lined wi th a l i fe ti me guar

’

,
-
,
-

antee for only five dollars ?

,

—
DEVILB I SS ( dazzle d ) Sure .

M UN T H E T hat s what I thought Th ey al l do W el l

— ’ ’
. .
,

c ookie yo u re i n the wrong pew

’

, .

—
D E V rL B rss ( h u m b ly ) Haven t you any shoddy old
’

bl u e plaid ones with l eatheroid bu ttons for about fifty

doll ars ?
—
M UN T H E T o fit a little shri mp l ike you ?
—
DEVILBISS ( s u b missiv ely ) I t don t have to fit me ’
.

—
M UN T H E ( b ridling ) Oh yo u re not going to wear i t
’

, ,

hey ? Just one of those sneaking comparison shoppers

who
— —
D E V I L B rss No no I tho u ght for carrying out th e
,

—
ashes yo u know aro u nd the cellar .
,

l l —
M UN T H E ( o fti y ) Yo u m u st be a pretty small ti me -

lug to carry o u t your own ashes .

—
D E V I L B rss I am .

M UN T H E ( gr u dg ng y ) W ell all right Slip th i s on

i l —
, .

for s ize .
 DEVIL BI SS ( after a struggle ) I t b inds me a little u nder -

the arms .

—
M UN T H E You re damn right i t dO
’
e s If we knew how .

to l ick that we d all be i n clover

,
’
.

— —
D E V I L B rss Co ul d you I mean maybe i f a seam w as ,

—
let out that i s the sl eeve ,

M UN T H E ( infuria te d — See here Chump i f yo u think , ,

I m going to reb uil d a measly fifty dollar M ackinaw for

’
-

eve ry stumblebum who mooches i n off the street

—
D E V I L B rss Oh no I wouldn t dream of asking you !
, .
’

—
I I was j u st wonderi ng whether Alberta that s M rs — ’
.

D eV ilb iss; she s a regular wh iz at things like that and

’
—
ti me say she s got al l the t i me i n the world
’

, ,

M UN T H E come on Do you want i t or don t yo u ? ’

.

— — —
D E V a rss You bet your li fe I d o ! Doe s er does this
mod el come wi th pockets ?
—
M UN T H E Yes an d we throw i n two t i ckets to a musical
,

and d inner at Vo i s i n s ( Shouting ) W hat the hell d o you

’
.

thi nk we re runn ing h ere a ra ffl e?

’

—
D E V I L B rss Gee you got me wrong I woul dn t want
,
.
’

anythi ng I wasn t ent i tl ed to honest !

’

—
M UN T H E Nex t th i ng I know you ll b e ch i seli ng me
’

out of paper an d stri ng to carry i t home .

D E V e ss y goo d nes s no ! I ll put i t ri ght over my ,

’

—
arm it s no troubl e rea ll y !
’

—
M UN TH E ( tak ing m oney from D eV ilb iss ) Say i f I d ,
’

known you had nothing but twen ti es

—
D E V rL B rss Gosh never m i nd the change that s qu i te
,
-
’

all ri ght Th ank you very much

. .

—
M UN TH E N OW li sten ch u m watch your step If I hea r
, , ,
.

122
 T HE L OV E D E CO Y
A Story of Yo u th in College —
T o day Aw a ke ,

Fearless Un ashame d
,

“ P r of s s or
Go m p e r s
”
e i s i l l ! Th e
w h i sper Sprea d li ke wi ldfire th r ough the packed class
room A feeling of em u ls i on swept over me Kindly old
. .

Professor Gompers whose griz zled ch i n and chiselled

,

g ri n ha d made h is name a b y wor d at T u n afish College

for W omen ! Ivy N ii dnick sauciest co cd i n the class she

'

-
, ,

of the unruly l ocks and the candi e d gray eyes l eane d over ,

to i mpart the l atest goss i p .

“
T hat n ew i nstructor Russell Gi pf is subbing for
, ,

”
him! The co l or draine d sl owly from my face entered ,

th e au ri cl e shot up the escalator and i ssued from the

, ,

l adi es an d m i sses section i nto the ho u sewares depart

’ ’

m e nt I remembered Ru ssell Gipf as a l ean brown gian t

.

in twe ed s whose resemblance to W arren W ill iam had

caused his s u spens i on the year before It had been an .

ugl y scanda l but lu ckil y h i s nose w as broken i n an

accident soon a fter and the fac ul ty had restore d him ;

Dream ily I recall e d an a u tu mn aftemoo n when I had
vi s i ted h i m i n h i s office i n ivy colore d Schneider to dis-

cuss a theme I had written Thro u gh the half O pen wi n .

-

d ows d ri fted the m i ngled smell of wo od smoke and fresh

men He confided that he was do i ng research i n dirty
.

l ime ricks for his doc tor s thesis and asked i f I knew any
’

“
Good Ones In the tw i nkling of an eye we were i n the
.

gutter At no ti me however did he all ow himself the

.
, ,

u sual i ndecent proposal and I returne d to my d orm i t ory

,

room ra gi ng d etermine d never to see him aga i n

,
.

124
 An impatient vo ice su mmoned me rudely from my
daydream I looked u p ; Ru ssell Gipf was addressing me
.

cri sply from the platform M y fem i n i ne eye noted that .

he was still a Spiffy dresser a regular up to the min u te ,

- - -

g i nk .

“
W ill you pl ease answer the questi on M iss Horn
'

bostel ?
“
I I di dn t hear i t I quavered ’

, .

W ell M iss Lame , he retorted sardon i call y

‘

maybe yo u had b etter stop galvanizing around nigh ts

”
and pay attention ! A cold fury welled up i n me and I
longed to hang one on his l u g for his i ns olence I w as .

seething b u t he could not see i t for several of my girl ,

.

ch u ms were seething in front of me A momen t la t er th e .

bell tolling in ivy covered H offenstein bro u gh t the class

-

to a close Slipping my pencil b ox and pen w ipers into my

.

corsage I approached his desk a plan fermenting in my ,

brain .

“
Yes M iss H omb o stel? Russell G ipf s eyes were
,
” ’

dancing wi th fun .

“
O h M r Gipf ,I began I hardly know how to say
.
, ,

.
—
this I t it s so personal His eyes stopped dancing with
’
.
”

fun and began danc i ng with sex .

“
G O O n he urged , .

—
I I can t get the cap off my toothpaste I fal tered a
’

, ,
“
tear trembling on my nose If yo u co uld only help me .

I gazed o u t of my huge bedroom eyes appealingly .

W ell now ahem this i s serious he said slowly

— — , ,
”
.

No w oii der you weren t prepared i n class just now ’

.

”
Natu rally you were upset , .
 , And \
yo u were cruel I said , .

”
I
(“ : m sor ry he added Q u igley
, .

Wh y di d y ou add Q u igley ? I begged h i m He apol o ”

.

iz ed and subtracted Q u igley then divided Hogan W e

g ,
.

hasti ly dipped the sl i ces of H ogan i nto Karo poured ,

s ugar over them and ate them with reli

“ ”
! ,

T el l me said Gipf as he wiped h i s mo u th on the

, ,
“
t a il of h i s shirt about th i s toothpaste : i f you could bri ng
,

the tube to my ofli c e

I expla i ned hurri edly that i t w as too h eavy to carry and
that he would have to come up to my dorm i to ry room
“ ”
that evening a fter l i ghts out He readily fell in with my .

w i sh and prom i sed As we walked across the camp u s .

—
toward ivy covered Lapidus I drew him out cra ftily He ,
.

had been in the north of Scotland that summer shooting

b ob tail fl u shes and he was fu ll of h i s subject Al tho ugh
-
,
.

I hated to con fess that his sm ile made my

ulse s Sing and I gladly would have l eaped thro u gh a
p ,

h oop had he asked me to He m u st have been aware of it .

,

for he suddenl y reached i nto his green b a iz e bag an d pro

-

d uc ed a hoop T"

“
Here l ea p through th i s hoop you he ordered I did
, , , .

so and he flicked me lightly with his whip I saw h i s face .

—
go dark wi th pass i on Dolores I l ove you ! he whis .
“ ”

pered h i s hand cl osing over m i ne M ine in tu rn closed

, .

over h i s In an i nstant we had chosen u p s i des it was my

.
,

turn at bats and I knocked a Sizzli ng b u nt to Pipgrass in

,

the daisies .

“
Ah cara mia giz a kiz panted Russell I tri ed to resist
, , ,
.

h i s over tu res but he plied me wi th symphon i es q u artets

, , ,

120
ciously I i ndicated the ba throom wi th a lazy finger In a
. .

moment he reappeared his face haggard and his eyes ,

like burn i ng ho l es i n the snow .

“ ”
Yes I Shot at him coldly I tri cked you No it s
, , .
,
’

u seless to tr the door — and it s a fo u r sto ry dro straight ’

y p
-

down from those wi ndows M r Russell Gipf Perhap s , . .

”
yo u re wondering what I i ntend to do now I picked up
’
.

“
the telephone my voice a snarl In five m i nu t es the
, .

fac u lty wil l break i n and find you i n a co ed s room W hat

’
-
.

will yo u r wealthy old fa ther Prosper Gipf president of ,

t he A b sconders and De faulters Nat i onal Bank say to

’ ’

,
”
that ? He backed away from me whimpering pi t eo u sly .

B u t I was goading him on as only a ragi ng woman can .

“
Yo u h u miliated me i n front of all my c lassmates t oday .

— ”
Now you Shall pay M y hand was l i fting the receiver
.

when a faint scratching so u nded at the door followed by ,

st ertoro u s brea thing I threw it Open Dean Fothergi ll h i s

. .
,

face that of a man mad with desire l u nged at me ,

.

“ ” “
Dolores he i mplored you adorable l i ttl e wi tch
, ,

I ve been followi ng yo u with my eyes I

’
—
“ ”
You rott er ! I t u rned in s u rprise at Russell G ipf s ’

voice as he fl ashed past me and drove a decis ive blow into

the aged ro u é s kidneys T he two men grappled their
’
.
,

tee th bared Ru ssell s head snapped back as Dean Fo ther

.
’

g ill who
,
I forgot to say was once amate u r ligh t heavy -

weight boxing champion of University of Cali fornia at

Los Angeles d rove a decisive blow to the Gip f kidneys
,
.

Th e noise of fist on kidneys rang o u t in the s t ill air I .

wa tched the spec tacle u nmoved Aft er all tomorrow I .

,

wo uld have to pass my law exam ; I opened Fist on K i dn ey s

120
and was deep in i t when I heard a groan I looked up .

Th ere manacled to Ru ssell Gip f s t ood Dean Fo thergill

, , ,

a hangdog expression on his face .

“
W ell M iss Ho rnbostel he adm i tted Shamefacedly
, , ,

I gu ess the jig is up .

“
T ell her yo u swine | grunted Russell menacingly 77

, ,

po u nding his windward kidney .

“
—
I I am Jim the Pe n man said Fothergill wi th bowed
”
,

head I forged the no t es which sent yo u r father H arry

.
,
”
T refusis to the cooler
,
.

“ ”
T hen you are Donald Fenstermacher Ru ssel l ? I ,

q u eried dazed He p ut his s trong yo u ng arms abo u t me

, .

an d nodded shyly .

“
Now may I ask yo u that question ? he blushed .

Yes Donald I told him hiding my scarle t face in

, , ,

his sho ulder O uts ide the ins u pporta b le swee tness of a
.
,

gu i tar cleft the warm summer air and bewhiskered ,

b efl ann eled b e jasused and b e jab ered u ndergrad u a t es

,

s trolled u nder the hoa ry elms Th e Splendid .

had come home .

 TO S LEE P ,

P E R C HA N CE TO S T EA M

T 0 an y b y roun od
d h er e awh o is su ff eri ng
from a touch of i n somn i a th ese d ays ( surel y no more
than a hun d re d to one shot ) the sequence of events i n
- -
,

my be d room l ast n i ght may have a certa i n cli n i cal i nterest .

About ni ne o cl oc k after a bri sk sess i on wi th the new s

’

casters I Shuddere d for appro xi matel y h alf an hour to

,

rel a x my nerv es p l ugge d a pa i r of F l ents i nto my ears

, ,

and t i e d on a sl eep mask I probabl y sh oul d have w aited

.

until I got i nto b ed before do i ng so as I took a rather ,

nasty fal l over a waste basket but i n a few moments I

-
,

was stretched out bus il y revi ewi ng the war news and
,

ad d i ng up the fam il y bank account w i th my pulse fur ,

nish ing a ri ch mus i cal backgro u n d W hen th i s pal l ed I .

,
“
read seve ral chapters of D urfee s M onasteri es of the
’

”
Rh one wi th no succes s whatever until I disc overed I
had f orgotten to remove my mask AS soon as I d i d I .
,

Was amply rewarded for I found that wi th a little practice

,

I was able to handl e the strategy of the war and add u p

my bank account wh ile vagabond i ng down the Rhone .

At th i s po i nt I regret to say I tarn i shed an otherwi se

, ,

perfect record by falling i nto a Sligh t d oze I m u st have .

been asleep almost fi fteen m i n u tes when I awoke sud

d enly an d realized I had negl ected to take a sedative
before retiri ng I promptly went ou t i nto the ki tchen for
.

a cup of hot m ilk wi th wh i ch to dissolve the nepen the tab

l et and fo u nd Delia our b u xom cook seated on the knee

, ,

Of her policeman fri en d Actually we have no cook called

.
,

13 0
r etorts an electrical comforter known as Th e Blanket
”
w ith a Brain J u st how G eneral E lectric came to b e
.

mixed u p in blanket research is not too clear; perhaps it

was one of those acciden ts we know take place daily in
labora t ories I can readily imagine some brilliant yo u ng
.

chemis t b urs ting into the ofli ce of the head of the division ,

exultan tly waving an E rlenmeyer flask W hat s cooking .

“ ’

—
Sha ftoe I mean M u ni ? i nq u ires his chief irritably An .

”
other one of those imprac tical daydreams of yo u rs ?
“
- — , ,
”
N n no s i r s t ammers Shaftoe i n h i s exci t emen t Do .
“

o u recall that precipitate ofb lank e tan e c omfortate c ellu

y ,
” “
lose and old voltage I left on my bench las t night ?
,
Yes ,

it was the seven h u ndred and forty fifth combination y ou

- - - -

and B az urd jian had tried and altho u gh al l the others ,

fa iled you doggedly persisted scorning the mockery of

, ,

” “
o l der and wi ser heads replies the chief Look here s ir ! , .
,

”
crie sShaftoe holding the flask up to the light
,
M y God ! .

exclaims his u s u ally i mperturbable senior A little elec .

trical q u il t ! Imperfect incomplete picayune b u t stil l a , , ,

q u il t ! W hat formula did you u se my boy? A very old ,

” “

” “
on e Sir,
says Shaftoe qu i etl y One part i nspiration and
, .

” “
ten of perspiration Success hasn t changed you Shaf .
’

” “ ”
toe Observ es the ch i ef Yo u re still a drip And,pocket
, .
’
.

i ng the di scovery he kicks Sha ftoe out into the corridor

,
.

O u twardly the G E E lec tric Com forter is a simpl e

,
. .

—
wool and ta ffeta a ffair which runs on the ho u se c u rrent
-

and a utomatically adj u sts i tsel f to the changing t empera

tu res of the night W hat emerges from a stu dy of the .

b ooklet however i s a wei rd complex of thermostats

, , ,

transformers and control boxes l ikely to frighten the puta

,

13 2
tive customer out of his pants The heart of the Com .

” “
fo rter states the booklet is a web of 370 feet of fine
, ,

flexibl e copper wi re of low resistance arranged in a zig

z ag pa ttern Set me down as a du sty old eccentric b ut
.
,

frankly there wo ul d seem to b e some more ideal haven

,

nowadays than a Skein of copper w i re no matter how fine ,

or flexi ble Nor i s it any more reass u ring to learn that

.

“
s ix r ubber mol ded safety thermostats are placed at
i ntervals in this web of i ns ulated wi re ( yo u can feel the se
thermostats wi th your fingers beneath the cover of the
It needs no vivid imagination to i mag me
oneself lying in the dark with eyes protrud i ng endlessly ,

tallying the thermostats and expec ting at any moment

to be convert ed in t o roast Long Island duckling T he .

possibili ty is evidently far from academic to j u dge fro m ,

“
the q u estion a little later on : Can the Com fo rt er over
heat or give an electric shock? T he man u fac tu rers shru g
—
aside the contingency in a breezy 4go word essay easily ,

comprehensible t o wizards like Steinmetz but u nhappily

j u st o u t of my reach One passage nevertheless i s all too
.
, ,

s u ccinct
E ven if th e full 5 v ol t s w en t th rough the Comfort er th e
11 ,

b ody w oul d have to b e moist a w orn spot on the w eb

w i e insid e th e Comforter w oul d have to t ou ch the b ody

r

and another part of the b ody as a han d or l eg w oul d have to

,

c ome in c ontac t w ith a i ec e of metal in ord er to et th e sen sa~

,

p , g
tion of an el ectric shock .

Given half a chance I know I co uld fulfill these condi

,

tions difli cult tho ugh they seem As one who p uts on
, .

13 3
a pa ir of rub b ers when he changes a fuse only to find ,

hi mself rec u mbent on the floor wi th his eyelashes singed ,

I ll go further I bet I co uld pass thro ugh a room con tain

’
.

ing an E lectri c Comforter i n the ori gi nal gi ft bo x and

e merge wi th a th i rd degree burn
-
.

The balance of the boo k l et to tell the truth h eld for

, ,

me a purely formal i nterest as I had already reached a

,

dec i sion regarding the Com forter Such questions as .

“
Wh at ca u ses the s l ight clicking no i se i n the control
”
box? are obvi ou sly i ntende d to rel i eve the fears of ne u
t oti es an d thank God I m no ne u roti c All I know i s
’

, , , .
,

when I got that far I h ear d a slight cl i cking noise and

experi enced a d i st i nct t i ngling sensation wh i ch could only

have emanate d from the booklet i tself L uckil y I had the .

,

presenc e of m i nd to plunge i t i nto a pa il of wa ter and yell

for h el p Right now i t s over at some expert s o ffice about
.
’ ’

to be analyz ed An d so am I honey i f I can l ay my hands

.
, ,

on a goo d fiv e cent p sychiatrist

-
.
c ouple of you ng people who stumble across a r ui ned farm
ho u se and remodel i t on what i s i nelegantly termed Spit
an d coupons Or maybe i t s the same arti cle I co u ldn t
’ ’
. .

b e readi ng the same i ssue over and over co ul d I ? ,

All these remodell i ng articles are wri tten by the t e

modellers themselves and never by the ruined farmer or
the man who didn t get pai d for the plastering which
’

acco u nts for their rather smug tone They invariab ly fol .

low the same pattern A young couple named M ibs and

.

Evan ( and if you checked u p I ll bet they were neve r

’

,
,

marri ed at all ! ) have dec i ded to retu rn to the land I see .

Mib s as one of those gi rls on the short Si de wi th stocky ,

legs a l ow s l ung posteri or and an unti dy bun of s traw

,
-
,

colored ha i r conti nua l l y unwi nding on the nape of her

neck Before anyone ever heard of Sal zbu

. rg she wore a ,

—
high bodiced dres s w i th f u ll Skirts a sort of horri d super ,
»

dirndl with home cooked hems that have a tendency to

-

hang down i n back She i s usually engaged i n reading a

.

book wri t ten by two unfrocked chemists which tells

women how to make their own cold cream by mixing a
little potash wi th a dram of glycerine an d a few cloves .

Evan is a full haunched yo u ng man i n a fuzzy woollen

-

su it ( I don t s u ppose there s any such thing as a fu zzy

’ ’

cotton su i t but you know what I mean ) who is forever

,

rubbing a bri ar p ipe along his nose to Show you the bea u ty
of the grain He smokes h i s own m ixture of periq u e
. ,

L atakia and Imperi a l Cube Cut for the very good reason
, ,

that nobody else will smoke i t and he has probably read ,

more of Arthur M achen than any man alive .

W ell as I say your average rem odelli ng yarn begi n s

, ,

13 0
wi th M i bs
and E van stumbli ng across the most adorabl e
ruin Of an eighteenth centu ry fa rmhouse It doesn t h ave
’
-
.

to be a farmhouse; i t can be a gristmill or a tobacc o ,

barn or a M ennon ite Schoolho u se It can even be an

,
.

earl y Colon ial hen ho u se with delightful hand hewn ,

-

beam s and perfectly sweet old tar paper scaling off the
si des Apparently nobody preV1ouS to M ibs and E van has
.

realiz ed i ts poss ibil i ties but E van takes one look at it

,
“
and says i n a guarded tone Tw o hundred dollars w o uld ,

restore that beauti fully if you didn t go crazy putting m

’

” “ ”
a l ot of bathrooms you d i dn t need Oh E van ! ’
.
,

breathes M ib s her eyes Sh i n i ng above her adenoids and

,

her brain reeling wi th vi s i ons of Cape Co d spatter floors .

“
Dare we T hat night at dinner i n the J u mbl e ,

—
Shop they p u t their heads together E van removes the
,

—
pipe from al ongs i de his nose of course and decide to ,

jump at the chance It i nvolves g1v rng up that trip to

.

E urope a cho1ce the characters i n these stories always

,

have to make but M ibs has always dreamed of a sunny

,

garden filled wi th old fashioned fl owers of the type her

-

mother used to read about in M ax Schling s catalogu e ’

.

So they bravely draw two h u ndred dollars o u t of their little

h oard leaving a hundred in case they ever want to take a
,

really long trip to some place l ike Bali and lay i t on the ,

l i ne
.

Aft er considerable exci tement i n which everybod y ,

searches the ti tle like mad and M ib s discovers the q uaint

est old parchmen t deed descri b ing their land in terms of
“
rod s chains and poods they are ready t o take the Be
, , ,

”
fore snapshots E van digs u p one of the cameras used
.

13 7
by Brady at the battle of Antietam wai ts for a goo d cl oudy ,

day and focu ses across a mo u nd of g uano at the most

,

“
ramshackl e corner of the manse as M ibs calls it wi th i r ,

reverent mischief Th e arti cle generally carri es several gray

.

“
smudges capti oned Southwest corner of the house before
”
work b egan and you can t help wondering where those
,
’

giant oaks came from i n the After photographs M aybe “ ”

.

they Sprang up from acorns dropped by the workmen

while they were havi ng lunch .

T h e first thing the high hearte d pa i r dec id e on i s a n ew

-

roof Th is fortunately costs only eight dollars as they

.
,

— —
u se second hand wattl es and hire a twelve year old scab -

all right maybe he only mislaid his union card to tack —

,

them on Th e outside walls are a problem b u t an amazing

.
,

stroke of good fo rt une comes to their resc u e Open i ng a .

trap door they hadn t i nvestiga t ed M ibs and E van stu m

’

ble across co u ntless b u ndles of lovely ol d hand Split —

shingl es which have been overlooked by previo u s t enants ,

like the hens T w o s u perb Adam fireplaces hitherto con

.
,

c eal ed by some matchboarding now make their appear ,

ance i n one of them a box of d u sty but otherwi se well

,
“
preserved pieces of Sandwi ch and Sti egel glass The .

attic ! sho u t M ibs and E van s i multaneously s u ddenly ,

rememb ering their resolu tion to look through i t some

rainy day and s u re enough there they find a veritable
, ,

treas u re trove of pewter ware cherry escritoires Chipp, ,

dale wing chai rs sawbuck tables and F ield beds hidden

, , ,

“
away by s u rvivors of the D eerfield massacre It jus t didn t .
’

seem po ssib le recalls M ibs candidly up to her old trick

,
”
,

of taking the words out of your mouth .

13 8
 TH E B OD Y B EA UTI FUL

So m e t im e s when I have worked for h ours

i n vain over a di ffi c u lt problem in Baker Street and my .

keen hawklike profile is drawn with fatigu e I like to take ,

d own my Stradiv arl us pile it on the fire and c u rl u p with

,

a COP of Hygeia the mon thly magazine p u blished by the

,

American M edical Associa t ion I don t necessarily have to

’
.

rea d it ; all I have to do is c u rl up with it In a few minutes .

my pul se becomes normal my eyes glaze over and I am

, ,

ready to do b u siness with the Sandman I don t know

’
.

much about medicine but I kno w what I lik e If the .

American M edical Associatio n wo u ld only p u t up this

magazine i n tablet or powder form nobody wo uld ever
p ass a white night again U nlike
. other SO orific s Hygeia
p ,

doe s not a ffect the h eart ; I have even read a copy wi tho u t
any i l l e ffects other than a feeling of drowsiness the next

day It f ulfills eve ry req ui rement of the Uni t ed Sta t es

.

P harmacopeia ; it is clean i t i s fresh every mon th and it

, ,

i s standard strength F rom the Opening essay on fl at feet

.

down to the ve ry last article on diabetic mu ffi n s it is a ,

g uaranteed yawn from cover to cover .

Th e one oasis in this Sahara however is a sort of out

, ,

p atient clinic where the layman i s al l owed to make a foo l

of himsel f in f u ll view of the medical pro fession I q u ot e .

at random ( random hell I had to look thro u gh n i neteen

,

“ ”
00 pies to find i t ) a letter headed Synthetic Saliva ap
pearing i n the Q and A departmen t of H ygeia:
. .

“
—
T o the E ditorz How co ul d saliva be d u plicated ?
£ 40
W here could the proper materials b e sec u red to dupl i cate
it or nearly so? Illinois .

Here is a cry from the hea rt Obvi ously some young .

Frankenstein has bu ilt h i mself a monster or Golem in his

spare time out i n the woodshed W ith i nfin i te labor and
.

utmost secrecy using bits of wi re ti n old bones and

, , ,

mea t he has created the perfect robot Suddenly on the

,
.
,

verge of completion he stops in sudden pan i c He has

,
.

left out saliva The monster is beginn i ng to grow! omi

.

nously ; he wants what all the o ther boys on the street

have B u t do you think the editors of Hygeia care ? T hey

.

fob off H O D .
( poss
. i bly one. of the mo st brilliant
inven t ors of o u r time ) wi th a few heavy du ty medical -

words and sink into a complacent snooze unm i ndful that ,

a raging monster with a dry mouth may b e loose in the

M iddle W est at this very moment I don t like to be an
’
.

alarmist fell ows b u t this i s a very short Sighted attitu de

, ,
-
.

No matter how blasé they i magi ne themselves hypo ,

ch ond riac s from Six to si xty wi ll get a deep and gho ulish

sati sfaction st u dying the correspo ndence wh i ch appears

each month Th ose private maladies you have b een prun

.

ing and transplanting couldn t poss ibly compare wi th the

’

things that bother H ygeia readers Th e pathetic q u ery of .

Pennsylvania will illustrate ,

“
—
“

T o the E d itorz Is there any danger of c ontrac ting

radi u m oi soning from the use of cl o cks painted with a
p
radium compound ; for i nstance i n case the clock c rystal
,

sho uld be broken and the radi um compound chi pped

”
of
f?
The edi tors who pretend to know everything reply
, ,
t hat th ere is no danger whatsoever Th is is pretty cold .

c omfort to a man who probably glows l ike a B i g Ben eve ry

ti me he enters a dark room However he mi gh t as well

.
,

stop barking up the wrong tree; he wo uldn t get a civil ’

answer from Hygeia even if he grew a minute hand and

sounded the hour and half hour wi th a mus i cal chime
-
.

I would l ike to th i nk that the case of C S Ohio is , ,

al so one of hypochondria b u t it has a more om i nous ring

“
—
T o the E ditorz Can the statements contained in a
recent daily newspaper that bobbing the hai r will ca u se
girl s to grow beards be veri fied ? Or is i t just a b i t of
”
propaganda ?
If that isn t a tac i t a d m i ss i on that M is s C S i s Sport
’
.

ing a grogan or an i mperi al aro u nd Oh i o I knoc k under ,

.

E ven i f she on l y think s sh e has a beard I woul dn t give

’

her house room ; but that i s besi de th e poi nt as she has

-
,

—
not a sked me for house room Sh e probably has the whole
.

hou se to herself anyway M uch more understandable is

.

the plight of the frightened Kansan who wri tes as follows

“
—
T o the E ditorz M y students tel l me that s u rgeons
have been abl e to transplant the stomach from an an i mal ,

as a cal f or a goat i nto man Is th i s p ossibl e ?

, .

Kan sa s.

I can sympathiz e wi th the poor fell ow for I too get , ,

the same sensati on when I drink black velvet Act ually .

,

i t only feels as i f you ha d changed stomach s wi th a goat .

One morn i ng I even woke up convi nced that I had swal

l owed a marbl e the n ight before T o make i t worse a.
,

man named M r Coffee Ne rves was Stand ing ov er my bed

.
-
w

i n a white Pri nce Albert helping me o hate myself I got

1 42
,
t .
becomes a th i ck solid mass Season to taste wi th chopped
, .

o nions pimientos green peppers adding a dash of pow

, , ,

dered celery sage and horseradish Serve i n Sl i ces like

, .

white meat .

M APL E I CE C RE AM : T o one p i nt of whippe d

“

cream add one pi nt of pure maple syrup W hip until .

thick T hen add the beaten whites of two eggs

. one
”
c u pful of choppe d nuts F reeze . .

I froz e .
 P O I S ON O U S M U S HR OOM S

Are W e at the Cros sroa ds ?

W e ll , autumn here agai n and very sh ortl y

IS ,

eve ry T om Dick and Harry will be ask l ng himsel f th e

,
“
—
question P oison ous mushrooms yes or no ? In every ”

mossy dell i n every n

,
ese delicio u s li ttl e
edi bles are Spr m ln
g g ly yesterday I happened to

fall i nto conversation with a stranger in the s u bway an ,

- —
extremely well ma d e woman of thi rty one wi th D resden a

dainty han ds and feet I noti ced that she was eating a
.

small umbrella Shaped object and asked her what i t was

-
.

“ ”
An umbrella she replied shortly descending from
, ,

the train at Seventy second Street Needless to say the

-
.
,

1n cid en t did not pass u nnoti ced and I retired i n con fu s i o n

,

amid the heart y l aughter of severa l wealthy cattle drovers -

who had come down to New York for the day on the

I first became i nterested i n mushrooms about ten years

ago T w o fri ends of m i ne
. ad a little pl ac e ,

a sort of cellar on ,

coal and wood and ice I was down there one evening
.

b ent on some coal and wood when T ony pointed to the

“ ”
ceiling and sai d Corpo di B acco what s tha t? I looked ,
’

re was a whole cl ump of m u shroo ms growing

right o u t at me W ell I l et out a scream fit to wake a
.
,

—
dead man as a matter of fact it did wake up a dead man ,

who d been in the corner for three days and he came over
’

and tri ed to bi t e me As I say I stayed l n bed nearly tw o

.
,

weeks that time but a ft er I was wel l I go t fi r

, es Frank ,
 an d Johnny to put as i de the pl ac e as a sort of perman ent
l aboratory where I could study the mushrooms .

It will probably come as a mil d shoc k to no one tha t

there are all of four hundred different ki n ds of mush~
rooms Four h u ndred and one really b ecause when I
.
, ,

l ooked up th i s fact i n the W orld Almanac I foun d a new ,

varie ty growi ng out of Page 2 9 Now what are mush .

,

room s? N othing more or l ess than toadstool s though why ,

they are called toa d stool s i s beyond me; I have yet to see
a toad si tti ng on a stool al though I have combed all the
,

books deali ng wi th the subject Of co u rse I haven t had

.
’

—
a chance to study the books yet all I ve been abl e to d o ’

is comb them but still i t seems a peculiar name to give

, ,

an unoffendi ng mushroom doesn t i t? It was probably

,
’

made up by someon e who hated mushroom s and thought

he co uld get even But why shoul d anybod y hate mush
.

room s? The li ttl e fellow goes ab out his bus i ness qu i etly;
once in a whil e he kill s a fam ily of twenty or thirty people ,

but then what right has anyone to hav e a fam ily of twenty
,

or th i rty peopl e? I
ne

ind efi
’

In the eleven years I have been stu dyi ng mushrooms

at my l aboratory on F ifty second Street I have seen
-
,

cases of al most uncanny intelligence among my Speci

mens I had a Peppery Lacta ri us growing i n a glass
.

right next to a F istulina Hepatica or Bee fsteak M u sh ~,

room ( If you can imagi ne a p u rple beefsteak covered with

.

short prickly Spi nes growi ng out of a tree you will easily ,

l 4a
and roll over on his or her face I f po isonous the balance .
,

of the mushrooms Sho uld b e thrown o u t as they are ,

unfit to consume .

Th e m u shroom o ften turns u p i n some really remark

able forms Sir Joseph M u shroom from whom th eir name
.
,

is derived tell s an interesting anecdo t e A cask of wine

, .

had been left u ndist u rbed in a cellar for three years in ,

some country other than the United Sta t es At the end .

of that time the cask was fo und firmly fastened to the

,
'
ceiling by a large m u shroom which had grown as the
wine leaked o u t Th e cask was qu i te empty when found
.
,

and how the mushroom l ooked was nobody s business Sir ’

.

Joseph by the way no l onger raises m u shrooms ; he has

, ,

se ttl ed down qu i etly in Surrey where he devotes h i mself

,

to ra i s ing bees but there is still a rem ini scent gleam i n his
,

eye when Irene Adler is mentioned .

Littl e el se remains to b e tol d F red P atton the former .

,

E ri e trai n boy still c ontinues to ri se i n M r Prosk auer s

’
.
,

mercantil e establi shment on Ann Street an d Gl oria ,

P roska u er blushes prettily whenever Fred s name i s ut ’

fe t ed T his however i s al l too seldom as the unfortunate

.
, , ,

F red was hit in the verti cal cervix by a baked appl e l ast
N ew Year s Day and succumbed al most i nstantly An d
’
.

so we l eave the little sn i tch right smack up behind the

—
ei gh t bal l and a good end for the meal y mouthed psal m
,
-
,
o

singi ng petty th i ef if you ask me , .

 BUTT ON , B UTTON ,
’
WH O S G OT THE B LEN D?

Ab eight O clock last night I was loungi ng

ou t
’

at the corner of Hollywood Bo ulevard and Vine Street ,

an i ntersection celebrated in the ecl ogues of Louella

P arsons and E d Sullivan waiting for a pert baggage who
,

had agreed to accompany me to a do u ble feature I f I bo re .

myself with a certain assurance i t was because I had ,

—
chosen my wardrobe with some care a shower of hail - -

, ,
—
suit lilac gloves a Split senn i t boater and a l ight whangee ,

cane Altogether I had reason for sel f satisfaction ; I had

.
,
-

dined famously off a charmb urger and a sky h igh mal t my -

,

ci gar was drawing well and the titles of the pictures I was
~
,

“ ” “
abo u t to witness Bloc k Th at Ki s s and Khaki Buck
,

aroo augured gales of merri ment For a moment h igh

, .

S pirits tempted me to invest i n a b ox of maxrxe cherri e s

‘

—
Or fondant creams for my vis avi s but after due refle ction
-
,

I fought back the i mpulse How utterly cloymg how anti

.
,

climactic sweets would be after the speeches I had in

st ore for the pretty creat u re !

W eary at last of studymg the co l orful throng eddyi ng

past me ( I had already singled ou t E ddy D u chin Sher ,

woo d E ddy E ddie Can t or Nelson E ddy and E ddi e

, , ,

Robinson ) I fell to examining a nearby billboard T he

, .

advertisement was one of that familiar type i n Wh ich an

entire cross section of the pop ulation seems to b e rhap ~
sod iz in abo u t the rod u ct— in this case a del i acy named
g p c ,
“
os t ess C u p Cakes Y ou Should hear my bri dge club
H .

”
rave about tho se H ostess Cu
p Cakes an exci t ed hous e
,

1 49
wi fe was babbling to her fri end whose ri poste w as eq u ally ,

“
feverish : I wo uldn t dare pack John s l u nch w i tho u t
’ ’

”
putting i n Hostes s Cup Cakes ! Close by a policeman ,

sm iled benignly at a baby i n a carriage addressing i ts ,

“
mother with Yo u have a lot of ti me for Precio u s thes e
‘ ’

a ft ernoons M rs Jones Th e reason for M rs Jones l eis

, . .
”
.
’

“
u re was not u npredictable : That s because i t s easy to ’ ’

”
plan desserts wi th Hostess C u p Cakes Th e baby i tself .

was making no c ontri b u tion to the symposi u m ; appar

ently the ki tten had got hold of i ts tong u e b u t you co ul d ,

tell from i ts express i on that i t woul d creep a mile for a

c up cake It was h owever wi th a dialog u e between two
.
, ,

Small boys that the Co w ri ter kind l ed my i nterest i nto

“ ”
fl ame Hurry ! one of them was admonish i ng the other
. .

“ ” “ ”
I ve got so for H ostess C u p Cakes ! Oh boy ! chortled
’

,
“ ”
his c ompan i on Do I l ove that secre t choco late b len d !
.

Although the romantic possibilities of a secret choc o ~

late blend and i ts theft by the Sp i es of an enemy power
are unden iabl e I th i nk that beh ind the phrase there lurks
,

a warmer more personal sto ry Naturally the bri ef harl e

, .
,

uinad e wh i ch follows can i nd i cate n o more than its

q
highl ights but i f the Hostess C u p Cake people care to
,

endow me for the next few months I could expand i t ,

i nto a three act version s ui table for annual presentation

-
,

at Hollywood and Vi ne I have no further use for that .

co m er or may I add for my pe ti te amie who turned u p

, , , ,

sobbing drunk wi th a M ari ne on e ither arm .

( S ce n e : The fi
of ce
D irk v an B en s dorp pres iden t and
of ,

g e n er al ma nager of the Ho stess Cup Cak e C orporation;

15 0
 fierc el ) —You keep L orene Flake s name out
’
of
J AN ( y
dis d ye hear?
,
’

—
D I RK ( as ide ) I see I have touched the l ad in a v ulner c

abl e Spot Th i s seems to be more than mere philandering

. .

— L orene s decent and clean and

’
— and fine S he ’

J AN ,
! , s

straight as a stri ng I tell yo u ! ,

D I RK ( who lov es a good jo k e now an d then ) That s — ’

probably why you re knots about her ha ha ha!

’ “
— - -

— S h
J AN arrap .

—
D IRK ( earn estly ) W hy not prove yourself to the girl ,

n? E schew your d ub i ou s assoc i ates and t u rn over a n ew

J a

chocola t e leaf .

— H u lly gee a i n t fit k i ss de c
’
u ff of her Slack s
J AN I ,
to .

—
D IR K D O y o u r job and yo u ll wi n through M ake the ’
.

cu cake s fly u nder yo u r fingers !

p
c yni ca lly — A rats Yo u se i s attempt i ng to fob
J (
AN
) w ,
.

of —
f de Speed up system under d e cl oak of benevolent pa
ternalism ( He exits )
. .

—
D IRK Ah well there s good stu ff i n the boy I was the
, ,
’
.

same at his age ( Ten E yck the Shop foreman b urs ts in

.
, , ,

his face as h en ) .

—
T E N E YCK ( pan ting ) T he formul a
D IRK W hat is i t man ? W hat s happened ?
— ,
’

—
T E N E YOK Thc secret choco l ate blend gone sto l en !— —
~
—
D IRK ( spu tterin g ) T en thousand devils! But I l ocked
i t i n the safe mysel f l ast n ight !
—
T E N E YOK I found the door wrenche d off bes id e i t an ,

ace tylene torch and a complete set of b u rglar s tools

’
.

—
D I RK ( in stan tly ) Someone m u st have opened the safe
by force ! ( A hea v y foo tfall is h eard on the stair ) .

15 2
 TE N —
E YOK W h who can t hat be ?
y ,

—
D IRK God grant tha t i t may be Inspector B u nce he ,

who gave u s s u ch ma t erial assistance i n that mys t erio u s

a ffair of the oatmeal cookies ! ( H is prayers are an sw ere d;
B u n ce en ters loo k s ab o u t him k een ly ) Inspec t or our
, ,

secre t choc
B UN OE Yes I know W h en I find a safe p ried open
—
, .
,

a series of u n frosted cup cakes and two middle age d ,

-

bakers in a no table state of agi tation the conclusI On s are ,

fairly obvi o u s .

—
D IRK You mean that the finger of suSp1CI on poI nts to
L oose W iles the Tho u sand W indo w Bakeri es whose
’
-
, ,

agen t s have recently been Sk u lking about i n di rty gray

caps and gooseneck swea t ers ?

—
B UNCE This I S an 1n 31de job Bensdorp I Shoul d like .
,

a few words w i th yo u r nephew .

—
D I RK ( paling ) Su rely yo u don t beli eve Jan ’

—
B UN oE Please be good eno u gh to call him ( D irk b e .
,

w ild ere d pre sses a b u tton an d Jan sh ufil es I n s u llenly )

’
.
,

W ell Gl ut en still sticking to yo u r story?

, ,

s n eerin g — ain t got else to add

J (
’ ’
AN
) I n u ttin s ee ? ,

I pinched de s ecret chocola t e plans to pay for de extrav a

g ances an actress I was I n at u ate d w i t It s an oft tol d ’ ’
of f .
-

s tory rendered none de l ess sordid by repe ti t ion

, .

BUN OE ( with d eadly c alm ) One moment W hy are

— .

ou s hieldin g V ern o n Flak e ?

y
AN ( r ou ghly ) never heard of de cove Come on c l ap
J I -
.
,

de darbies on me wris ts I m ready t o face de m u sic

.
’
.

—
BUN OE I t won t wash Jan You fo u nd Vernon Lo
’
.
, ,

rene s worth l es s brother crouche d before the sa fe and to

’

15 3
protect th e girl you l ove you have sho uldere d the blame
yourself !
AN ( mo d e stly ) —Any b l ok e i n me sh oes would have
J
d on e de equ ival ent .

—
D IRK Hooray ! I was convi nced of his i nnocence at all
tim es!
AN ( prod ucing a cinn am o n b un ) — And h ere i s de
J for

mul a i ns i de dis sweetmeat where de l uckless Vernon hid ,

it for safekeeping .

—
B UNCE You ve a Smart cub th ere Bensdorp N ephews
’

, .

of his stripe don t grow on trees ( R eaching for his Pers ian
’
.

slipper ) W el l T en E yck what do you say to Sarasate at

, ,

the Albert Ha ll ton i ght eh ? ,

—
T E N E Yc K Cap i tal my d ear Bunce ( They exit ),
. .

D I RK ( em b racing Jan ) W ell you young ra scal you

— , ,

shall have yo u r reward for this Henceforth our Friday .

“ ”
Spec i als w ill b e known as Cub Cakes i n your honor
and remember there s always room for brain s at the top
,
’

i n th i s organ iza tion .

J (
AN surrep t i ti ous ly poc k e ti n g hi s un c le s sti c k p in )
’

You said a mout ful cul ’

,
.

CU RTA IN
ploy it as material for roman ce In O h Doc tor ! M y F eet! .
,

u ndeniably the most plaintive ti tle of the séaSon Dr ,

M or t on sets y ou r foot t app i ng i f only to convi nce your ,

sel f that it still artic u lates Dr M orton has b u ilded better

. .

than he knew; the reader becomes so acutely aware of his

feet that he spends his day listen i ng w i th a rather c u n
n i ng express i on to his toes mesh i ng i nto gear M y experi .

ence has b e en that al tho u gh th i s type of work is not

exhausti ng i t pays very badly
, .

Dr M orton wi th a sense of dramatic val ue not com

.
,

monly encou ntered I n orthopedists Opens h i s narra t ive ,

expl osively Into the o ffice of a D Nel s on Sho u ting

.
r
, ,
"
Oh Do c tor ! M y fee t! bursts M rs Roberts an attracti ve
,
”
.
,

young matr o n Consc i

. ous of the br u squeness of her words ,

“
Sh e adds hastily Oh please forgive me Dr Nelson but
, , , .
,

”
my feet b u rn and ache so I scarcel y know what to do .

Dr Nelson soo th i ngly guides her to a chair wi th W ell

.
,
“
,

you have done the rati onal th i ng by comI ng to see me for ,

I m certain I can help you I suppose the irrational thing

’
.

for M rs Roberts wo uld have been to cons ult a bl ack

.

Smith b u t I mysel f wo u ld have liked her be t t e r for it

, .

As a matter of fact Dr M orton thro ugho u t portrays M rs

,
. .

Roberts as someth i ng of a creep which I suspect i s a ,

—
deep seated convicti on among doctors ab out their pa
“
tien ts Sh e i s scarcel y seated when her face expresses a
.

c onsiderable degree of s u rpr i se W h y I didn t know .

” “
,
’

”
yo u were i nterested i n fee t Doctor By one of thos e , .

amazing coincidences which happen only i n fiction Dr ,

.

N els on turn s out to be the ideal party to whom M rs .

Roberts Should have bro u ght her feet He i nv i tes her to .

15 0
r elate her symptoms W ell Doctor M rs Roberts re .
, ,
.

“
plies they started to b other me about two years ago an d
,

si nce then I ve tri e d a l most eve rythi ng M y closet i s so

’
.

full of shoes I ve bought on recomm endati on or seen

’

advertised that my h u sban d laugh s at me and suggests I

O pen a store You will notice that Dr M orton not con
”

~
.
.
,

tent with d el ineati ng M rs Roberts as a si mpl eton g atu r i .

,

tou sl y insin u ates her husband i s a red faced b ull necked -

,
-

extrovert who taunts h i s wi fe wi th her mal ady Somehow .

,

i t left me with the uncomfortabl e feeli ng that the a u tho r

had po i sone d a well T ry as I would I kept seei ng M r
.
,
.

Roberts i n my m i nd s eye as a sort of Dr G rimesb y Roy

’
.

lott a savage tyrant who goes aroun d k i ck i ng Open d oors

,

an d bend i ng pokers d oubl e .

Oddly eno u gh at this very juncture Dr Nel son puts

, .

on a displ ay of sci enti fic deducti on that wo ul d have don e

credit to Hol mes hi mself Ord eri n g M rs Roberts to re . .

move her Shoes an d stocki ngs and stan d d i rectl y i n front

of him he asks his pa tien t wi th hardl y more than a cur
~ ,
,

so ry glance Do yo u have the calluses on the soles of

,
“

”
yo u r feet treate d often ? If M rs Roberts was surpri sed .

be fore Sh e now i s red uced to a stupefacti on worthy of

,

W atson Yo u haven t even l ooked at the bottom of my

.
“ ’

”
feet she rem i nds the Doctor fai ntly Th e l atter without
, .
,

even a casual yawn po i nts out that her second toes are
,

distinctly l onger t han her great toes Si mperi ng gi rl i shly .

,

M rs Roberts repli es But I al ways took that to be an

.
,

i ndication of a perfect fo ot If you will perm i t a l i ttle con .

fession I have al ways been secretl y pro u d of my feet

,

at least I have been si nce I noti ce d that the Short grea t

,
toe is disti nctly Sh own i n Greci an scul pture Dr Nel son . .
,

in that ma d den i ng way doctors have cr u shes M rs Rob , .

erts p iti fu l l i ttl e pri d e i n her feet w i th the rejoinder

’

,
“
W h at was ideal for the women of ancient Greece is d efi ~
nitely not i dea l for the modern w oman who wears high
”
heel ed Shoes Of course Old smarty pants Nelson knows
.
,
-

what Grec i a n women wore on thei r feet ; he was there .

E ve ry body remembe rs him aro u nd the agora arm i n arm ,

wi th P eri cl es Oh you wi ne dark l oud thunderin g many

.
,
-
,
-
,

throated Nel son you ! ,

W ell one th i ng an d another an d be fore you know it

,

M rs Roberts i s on her way home wi th orders to stay off

“

her feet an d p l unge th em al ternately i nto hot and cold

wate r whi ch I coul d have to ld h er who know as m u ch
,

about po diat ry as an wid e awak e g ibbon i n the Bron x -

y
Park ZOO .

The next chapter is a coll oquy on M rs Roberts feet

’
.

b etween the Doctor and h i s n u rse Th i s c oul d eas ily be .

li fte d i n i ts enti rety and put i nto a revue Th e dialogu e .

is cri sp an d mea ty and Dr Nelson manages to make q u ite

, .

a foo l of the g i rl w i th h i s answers It would have ma d e ;

an e f fect ive bl ackout had th ey be aten each other wi th

roll ed u newsp a pers b u t th ere I go carp i ng aga i n E arl y
p
-
.
,

next morn i ng anoth er pati ent staggers i n a M rs W ells ,

. .

She too i s havi ng a ve ry th i n time wi th h er feet an d

, , ,

th e Doctor treats her w i th the tender symp athy of a T or

“
q uem ada : He then proceeded to test the movements of
all the jo i nts of the foot an d ankle noting that M rs W el ls , .

was abl e when her knees were held straight to bend her
, ,

fe et upward only slightly b eyond a ri ght angle wi th her

15 3
mol eskin Is M rs Roberts happ i er wi th an i nferi ori ty
. .

complex an d feet that look like a pair of old football pants ?

T hat s her lookout M e I ll string along wi th hexerei
’ ’
. .
,

Where wo uld a man p i ck up a l ucky potato an d the ha1r

ball of an o x?
 WHA T AM I DOI N G
A WA Y FR OM H OM E ?

Wh e n I was growi ng up i n New Gu i n ea or ,

coming of age I n Sam oa or whatever the hell I w as doing

,

about the age of thirteen I had occasion to Spend a con ,

sid erab l e part of my li fe in hotels T o this day the su b tle .

bouquet of brass polish hotel ca rpeting and r u bber plants

, ,

does more to recall my yo uth than a dozen faded al bu ms .

M ind you this is no bid for sympa thy I did all righ t even
,
.
,

if I was the yo u ngest patien t in the history of the Keeley

Cure At least I could hold u p my end in a gro u p of
.

travelling men disc u ssing the Raines Law which is more ,

than can be said for certain milksops at Groton and St .

George s ’
.

Wh at little scar ti ssue I carry from those early experi »

enc es however leaps I n t o has relie f a t a p ub lica t i on of

, ,
-

the Pennsylvania Hotels Associa tion called L iv e I ts high .

“
purpose according to a foreword is to tell you a few
, ,

things abo ut ho t els yo u may no t know to Show yo u

how well a hotel cares for i ts gu e sts no ma tt er when they
”
arrive or how tired or h u ngry they are Judgmg from one .

anecdote i t sets abo u t it in a fairly obliq u e manner

,

M any years ag o a h ot el w anted

forel g ner th e ,
guest of a ,

someth i n g d on e to his d ress c oat H e summ on e d a maid but , .

,

u nable to Speak E nglish c ould do nothing b ut indicate h is

,

w i shes by d raw i n g h is h and ac ross th e w aist of th e c oat I t .

seemed obvious that he w anted the c oattails cut off and She
w as ab out to send for the valet H e p ot ested urging her to do. r ,

the job She procu red a SCI SSOI S c u t off the tails and sew ed the
'

.
,
raw e d b est she c ould W hen he returned he w as furious
g es as .
, .

M uch later i t tu rned ou t he only w anted the coattail s pinned

—
b ack a job he coul d easily have done himsel f T o his cred it .
,

he go od natu red y agreed the j oke was on him

l
.

an a i r of dreadful i nhuman gai ety about the

Th ere is ,

tale that freez es the marrow i n one s bones W hat gri m ’

.

rig adoon was this forei gner about to atten d that he mus t
have his coat ta ils p i nned back what concourse of ghouls ?
-
,

I can almost see the ghastly gri n l ighti ng up his sunken

— —
face if you can call i t a face as he agreed that the joke
was on h im I l l thank the P ennsylvan i a Hotel s Assoc i a
’
.

ti on to om it th es e fiend i sh v ignettes if they wan t my

c usto m .

—
And th ey certai nl y do pas si onatel y unreserv e dl y for , ,

on Page 8 of their broc hure they Offer twenty seven priz es -

for the best essay on W h y I Like to Stop at a Hotel

“
.
”

“
—
If you have ever stoppe d at a hotel even for one night
you are elig ibl e for th i s contest they urge W ell kids
-
,
”
.
, ,

I stopped at a hotel one n ight a while b ack and i n ,

P enn sylva nia too Not onl y am I el igible but now that
, .
,

I v e got the floor you just try to take i t away from me I

’

, .

don t want a priz e ; al l I want is a hearing

’
.

Some years ago a small gasket wh i ch control s the p l um b

i ng i n my country home gave way wi thout warn ing and ,

wh il e the pl umbers were awa i ti ng a d u pl i cate from Car

ti er 3 I ti ed a foxta il to the radia t or of my Jordan cabri olet
’
,

and went tou ring Night fo u nd me at a crossroads before

.

a spac i ous establ i shment wi th a handsome mansard roof

and the i nv i ti ng l egend Snapper Suppers W ith many .

”

“ ”
a cry of Oh dem snapper suppers ! and Oh dat suc
, ,

1 02
Ol d fashioned brass Spi tt oon I po u nded on the floor; he
-
.

cheerily beat an answering tatto o on the ceiling I now .

decided to p ut my fai th in the ba rbitu ra t es le t the chi ps ,

fall where they might and swallowi ng several caps ules

,

that wo uld have killed me had I been a horse I crept back ,

i nto my b u rrow .

A delightf ul s u rprise awaited me Some sort of fore ign .

b ody inside the pillow now insis t ed on o bt ru ding I nto the

back of my neck a Space ordinarily reserved for the
,

caress es of weal thy ml d dle aged women Th e obstru c tion

-
.

see med to b e cylindrical yielding t o the to u ch and abo u t

, ,

—
two and a half inches long I n short the exac t Size and ,

con sistency of a roll of bills Th e more I tho ught a b out

.

i t the more convinced I became that I had u nwi t tingly

,

stu mbled acro ss a cache And if size mean t anything the

.
,

world was mI n e I exul tantly be gan planning how I wo uld

.

track down Baron Dangla rs wha t I wo uld do to M ercedes

,

th e fai r Catalan All that rema i ned was to open the pillow
. .

Any fool can Open a pillow I cackled ,

.

It took me twen ty min ut es to realize that h ere was one

fool who co uldn t a rmed wi th no thing more than a too th
’

bru sh a comb and a commode I hacked and t ore a t the

,
.

seams of that pillow un til my fi ngertips bled and I sobbed

alo u d wi th vexation M eanwhile in the bar below the
.
, ,

W alp u rgis n acht was in full sw mg On the stairs o utside .

my room they were re enac ting Israel P u tnam s escape

-
’

from the Bri ti sh and every so often someb ody in the

,
‘

room ove rhead broke i n t o a waltz clog in a pair of Sp ecially

b u il t l ead Shoes W hether i t was fru s tra tion Sedormid
.
, ,

or both w hich finally got me I ll never know B ut this I ,

’
.

1 04
with a knapsack and a bit of b read and cheese snappl ng
at my heels It may be hot in a haystack b u t by God it s
.
, ,
’
 H O L D THA T

Ab ten years ago there was transl ate d to the

ou t
screen as a vessel for the talents Of W arner Baxter a play

ca ll ed I Loved You W ednesday Th e result was an

“
.
”

am i abl e little film wh i ch undo u btedly recovered i ts in

vestment earned a snug profit and i n the normal course
, ,

o f th i ngs was ret i red to be cut i nto mandol i n picks W h at .

makes it still verdant i n the memo ry of connoisseurs ,

however is a patch of d ial ogue that came about th e end

,

of the first reel M r Bax ter i n beautifully tailore d breech es

. .
,

and cordovan s had been establ i shed as a constructi on en

,

gi n e e r on a vast un i dent i fied

,
power project bark i ng cr i sp ,

commands at giant cranes and ch i vying s t eam shovels .

The scene then disso l ved to h i s home an d as the work ,

worn eng meer entere d his wi fe l ooke d up eagerly fro m,

her sewi ng W hat s new dear? she inqu ired W ell

.
“ ’

,
”
.
,

”
darl i ng repli ed Baxter i nhaling deeply and brush i ng
, ,

clouds of al kali from his Sho ulders I j u st fin i shed Boul ,

” “ ”
der Dam Oh Jim ! murmured his wife adori ngl y
.
, .

It may be pres u mptu ous of me to compare myself in

any sense wi th M r Baxter ( I am twen ty po u nds l ighter
.
,

not qu ite as photogenic and i nfinitely l ess solvent ) but , ,

if Sheer doggedness and figh ting heart mean anyth i ng the ,

u ndertaki ng I have j u st completed may yet outcl ass his .

At ten o clock this mornin g fortified wi th a bottle of ben

’

z ed rine an d a sto u p of black co f fee I kissed my newsdealer ,

good bye and set o u t to read through the Chri stmas party
- -

suggestions i n M a demoiselle Vogue and H ouse G ar ,

1 00
s ays Go medi eval : get Goth ic l antern effects by shi eld
,
-

ing ce iling b u lbs with pierced rectan gu lar tin food ,

”
gra t ers It might be well to temper yo u r en th u siasm for
.

this novel hint with a pinch of ca ution unless you want ,

a d u sky handmaiden moun t ed o n a chair right i n the

middle of your party grating carrots over the shoulders
,

of your guests and murmuri ng bitterly to herself in Gu l

l ah In the event you do the best plan would be to spri nkle

.
,

artificial snow around her feet and drape her with silver
festoo ns and candy canes It i s certai nly j u st as feasible
.

“
as another of M r Gaba s suggestions : T ie blown up red
.
’
-
,

penny balloons to yo u r outd oor Christmas trees Th e kids .

—
in the block wi ll pop them q u ick like a flash b u t who
cares ? W h o indeed b u t an old Scrooge ? I for one can
”
, ,

th i nk of no more diverting pastime than beating off sting

i ng pellets from a bean blower while setting em u p in
-
’

the next alley for a little marksman T he same promise of .

hi gh adventure pervades still another of M r Gaba s pro

’
.

“
p osals : Decorate your man t e l w i th a begged borrowe d , ,

or stolen French horn filled cornu copi a s tyle wi th holly -

—
”
and m istletoe No French horn pl ayer around Carnegie
.

Hall will refu se to t u rn over his i nstrument to yo u once

the p u rpose i s explained to h i m Shoul d he prove reluc .

tant s i mply read h i m M r Gaba s arti cle and if that fa il s

, .
’

to stun h i m sap h i m just below the l eft ear wi th a black

,

jack Anybody so deficient in Chri stmas Spirit and above

.
,

all a French horn player i s hardly worth your sympa thy

-
, .

Consc i ous of i ts aug ust trad i ti on Vogu e naturally ,

scorns any such pinchpenny devi ces as the foregoing I ts .

article on the subject permits the reader to flatten his nose

16 8
 ga i nst the windows of severa l great ho u ses and watch their
a
“
occ u pan ts celebrate M rs Fredrick Frelingh uysen for in
. .
,
“
stance occasionally masq u es all the c u rtains in great
,
”
lengths of red mosq u i t o ne tting a mys ti fying ri t e since , ,

there are s u rely no red mosq u i toes i n M rs Frelingh uysen s .

’

—
Well ordered home ( W h o the devil M rs Frelingh uysen
. .

i s I have no i dea bu t it is a cinch from the con t ext that

,

she has a well ordered home ) Another family brews u p

-
.

an appalling mix tu re of port brandy B u rg u ndy almonds

1 , , ,

and raisins called glogg and then I pres u me proceeds

'

, , , ,

to get q ui e tly gloggy A deeply religi o u s bachelor whose

.
,

“
name i s u n fortu nately not given once se t his Chris tmas ,

ta ble with all sorts of mechanical toys As the gues ts en .

tered the d i n i ng room the wo u nd up dolls acrobats am ,

-
, ,

,
—
mals merry go rounds began perform i ng their mechani
-

”
cal tricks The effect on the g u ests already reeling with
.
,

glogg must have been a CUI l Ol l S one Somehow I have

, .
,

the feeling that everybody started tu rning handsprings ,

teari ng down the smilax and beating the tar out of the ,

—
hos t a thing he richly deserved .

No s u ch chronicle of course woul d be complete with

, ,

o ut mention of Hollywood s me thod of observing the holi ’

day M rs Richard Barthelmess I discovered o ft en trims

” “
. .
, ,

her trees wi th Cellophane tassels or O palescent glass b ub

t

”
bles so refreshing a fter the opalesc ent iron b ub bles one
,
“
encounters everywhere Th e Charles Boyers cajole li t tle .

”
pi ckaninn i es to sing the Christmas carol s As one who .

in eigh t years has yet to see a pickaninny big or li ttle , ,

within the confines of Beverl y Hills I can only concl u d e ,

that the Boyers must range all the way to Georgia an d

M i ss i s si pp i for thei r li ttl e sable songst ers M r Boyer
. . is
a very pers u asive arti cl e but that threatens to stand as an
,

all ti me h i gh i n cajolery
-
.

It was l eft to that ordi narily staid jo u rnal of graci ou s

livi ng H o use
,
Garden however to emerge wi th the
, ,

on e tru l y bri l l iant i nsp i rati on of th e season —an ups i de

d own evergreen tree swung from the ceiling T o any .

h uman flies wi th i n the sound of my vo i ce here is an O pen

,

invi tati on : Drop around at my flat whenever yo u like on

Chri stmas E v e with yo u r suction shoes and have a cup
of glogg on our ceiling Th e K apustin s wi ll be there and
.

so will M r Gaba i f he i sn t t i ed up ( figurativel y speak i ng

’
.
, ,

of course ) You ll know me ri ght away because my eyes

’
.

will be so radi ant; and besid es I ll have a fresh ma uve

, ,
’

—
orch id in my ha i r to say nothing of M a d em ois elle ,

V og ue and H ouse Garden .

gator i n the Los Angeles Better B u siness B ureau and as
bright as a new penny W ith his resourcefulness and cool
.

daring we sho uld soon see the last Of the gang which has
,

been slipping visitors at per head into the pictu re

, ,

lots through bribery and other s u bterfu ges ( Sees O ld .

M an h u ddle d o v er lamp ) H ullo ! Perhaps this bit of h u

man flotsam can assist me Have y ou seen a young
.

man answering to the name O f T yrone Ruk eiser?

—
O L D M AN ( q u er u lou sly ) N O savvy T ylon e L uk eiser .

This N O 1 sordid h Op joint catch um plenty first chop

.
,
-

O pi u m .

—
B O B ( as id e ) ]Ohn Chmaman i s a slick c u s t omer ; I
shal l have to match wi ts wi th hi m Have yo u a tele
.

phone my flien d?
,

O L D M AN T elephone here b u t no Wires along him

— .

—
B O B P erhaps i t wi ll work wi tho u t them ( I n to p ho n e ) .

Hello Central ? Give me T yrone Ruk eiser ace investi

, ,

gator Of the Better Business B u reau and sworn nemesi s

O f the gang wh i ch has been slipping vi sitors at per ,

h ead i nto the p i ctu re lots through bribery and oth er sub
,

terfuges
‘

W hat he left ho u rs ago ? Oh beans !

.
, ,

—
O L D M AN ( c h uck ling ) Tylon e L uk eiser allee sam ec
b ig foo l .

B OB ( hotly ) E asy M i ster easy ! Anyth i ng you say

-
, ,

abo u t that party goe s do uble for Bob Bundy !

—
O L D M AN B ol) Bundy him likewi se a j erk .

BOB ( a dv a n cing w i th do u b le d fis ts ) Darn your i mper -

n ,
—
ti e c e you scum ( O ld M an rises s li ps Off his disg u ise
n , ,

rev ea lin g T yr on e R uk eiser

) .

- —
T YRON E ( goo d h umoredly ) Not so fast Bob B u ndy ! ,

1 72
 g sp ng —Yo u
had me nonpl u ssed for a momen
BO B ( a i ) t
You co u ld pass m u s t er anywhere Old man ! ,

—
T YRO N E Yo u be t I co u ld pass m u ster [ m u stard ]; l
hate it . N ow look here Bob we have no time to lose , ,

“
Have yo u a roscoe on yo u r person ?
—
B O B ( pa ts his poc k e t s ignific an tly ) Yes ; I b rought my
M auser .

T YRO N E Good W e ll need your M auser [

— mouser ]for
’
.

th ese ra ts .

— —
B O B But tell me where are we ?
—
T YRO N E I n the stronghold of Shameful Roger E s
“

terhazy gu i ding gemus of the gang

, .

—
B O B Phew !
—
T YRO N E E xactly And tonight finds our prec i ous fri en d
.

on the thresho l d O f what may well be his most a u dacio u s

explo i t You recall the recent d1sappearance Of a cer t ai n

.

E un i ce Haverstraw only daughter of weal thy Judge H aw

,

erstraw of Vandal ia M O ? , .

—
BO B I tho u ght littl e of i t at the ti m e .

—
T YRO N E Few d i d Through so u rces of info rmation at
.

“
my diSposal however I s oon foun d that Shame fu l
, ,

”
Roger is keep i ng her pn son er i n th i s maz e of u nder
ground tunnels empl oying a drug as yet li ttl e kn own to
,

sc ie nce which paralyz es the w i l l

, ( L ow e rin
g h is v o ice
) .

Bob I have every reason to believe h e pl ans to substitute

,

h er for glamorous Irene Dunne i n the R K O pro d uct i on . . .

“
Sh e M arri ed Her P u blic R elati ons Counsel !
”

—
B O B Th e man m u st b e a devil in human gu i se !
—
T YRON E F u rthermore he intends to smuggle himself ,

i nto M etro Go l dwyn M ayer pa ss hi mself Off as Loui s B

- -
,

1 73
M ayer and th en embark on a veri table orgy
, Of sub

stitution !
—
B O B How to c i rcumvent th i s mad enterprise calcu
lated to strike at the very heart of the flicker ind u stry ?
—
T YRO N E I have been racking my pate for the soluti on
.
.

Luckily I have wormed my way i nto the confidence of

,

“ ”
Fea thers Blake E sterhazy s moll whom I am expecti ng
,
’

here at any moment .

—
B O B ( so b erly ) T his i s playi ng w i th fire Old chap Keep .
,

y o u r nose clean ; yo u are treading on dangero u s ground .

—
T YRO N E ( p u s hin g him o u t the d oor ) Look yo u go ,

and reconnoitre And i f yo u can t find E u nice Haverstraw

.
’

for God s sake dig up some new me taphors ( As B ob exits

’
.
,
“
the s lidin g pa n el open s an d Fea th ers B lak e en ters s in u
o usl Sh e w ea rs tight b lack sa tin an d s ilv er foxe s carries
.
y ,

a mes h b ag co n tainin g a wi c k e d li t tl e pearl ha n dl ed t e -

vo lv er ).

—
FE AT H ER S ( her eyes smoldering ) Hello you two ti m ,
-

i ng bastard .

T YRO N E Wh y what s the matter F ea thers ?

— ’

, ,
—
F B ATH B R s Noth i ng I al ways say that whenever I enter
.

a room ( L iftin g h er face to his ) L ike me a l ittle ?

.

T Y RO N E W h at do you th i nk ?
—

F E AT H E R s W hat do I th i nk ?
—
—
TYRO N E Yes what do you thi nk ?
,

—
F E AT H B Rs Ab out what ?
—
T YRO N E I forget .

—
F B ATH B R s The troubl e wi th you is you re more i n l ov e
’

wi th l ove than you are wi th me .

—
T YRO N E ( parry ing ) Love is a someti me th i ng .

1 74
please to sit very q ui etly i n that chair ( H is aides prod uce .

a gu nnys ack p lace Fea thers inside an d open a hi dden

, ,

trapd oor ) .

—
T Y RO N E ( p layi n g for tim e ) You are a cunn i ng adv er
Shame ful Roger I c on few I hardl y expected to see
“ ”
sary,
.

the Los Angeles River here .

—
E ST E R HAZ Y Simply a t ributa ry my dear fell ow but , ,

the effect i s the same You re next so watch closely

.
’

, .

Lower away lads ( As they pick up the b ag the s harp

, .
,

no tes of a b u gle ring out offstage an d e i gh t comely m isses

in Girl S cou t uniform b urs t in the d o or b ran di s hin g ,

s w ord s made Of la th They quickly o v erpo w er E s terhazy

.

an d his co n fe d era tes

).

C O RP O RAL D O RA AM M I DO W N ( to Tyron e ) W e got

— .

yo u r message i n the nick of time .

E ST E R HAZ Y ( wi th an o ath ) ]eek ers! W ho are you

— ,

TH E —
G I RL S T h e D A R . . .

—
E ST E R HAZ Y W ho?
TH E —
GI RL S The Daughters of Al b erti na Rasch !
B O B B UNDY ( en terin g with a b eau tifu l heiress ) An d—
here i s E u nice Haverstraw i n fairly good condition ( A
,
.

p or tly ge n tle m a n in cu ta w a an d s ilk hat pus h es th rough

y
th e thro n g an d em b races her ) .

—
J U DG E H AV E RST RAW ( to Tyron e ) You ve rounded up ’

a dangero u s nest of radicals my boy Here i s my certified

, .

check for fi fty tho u sand dollars M ex ( H is eyes twink ling ) .

—
And if E u n i ce still wants yo u well son there s always a ’

, ,

pa rtnership open in Dos toievski Griscom Za rathustra 8 , ,

:

Haverstraw .

1 7a
 —
T YRO N E Thanks Judge
, ,
—
but well
I guess I have a
,

previo u s commitme nt .

JUD GE H AV E R ST RAW ( lou dly)

—W hy what d o you
,

mean you insolent guttersn i pe ?

,

b l u s h ng — like T yrone ( B Ob has tily

you
BOB ( i ) I f
-
if
-
, .

re mo v es his disg uise Of motio n p ic tu re execu tiv e rev eal

-
,

ing him self to b e R osalin d R u ss ell An insta n t of s u rpri se

.
,
 [W R E S S I D N I S T DA DDY

An y you kid s seen Some rset M augham ? I

Of

haven t run i nto h i m l ately but I ll bet those adverti se

’ ’

ments for The M oon and Sixpence p u t the roses i n h i s

“ ”

cheeks In case yo u ve be en spending the last couple of

.
’

weeks underwater the M essrs Loew and Lewi n have j u st

, .

transferred to the screen M r M augham s novel of the .

’

ordeal of Charl es Strickland a cha racter cl osely resem

,

bl ing Paul Gaugu i n F aced wi th merchand ising so Spi ri t

.

ual a problem the prod u cers evi dently recalled that Vin
,

cent van Gogh had be en popul ariz ed as a man who ma iled

his ear to a fri end and decided to sel l th ei r b oy on a s i m ilar
,

bas i s The l ei tmoti v Of the campaign was a busty Poly

.

mes ian hussy i n a p i ti full y shrunken sarong l ol l ing on her ,

back i n consi d erable ab andon and smelli ng a fl ower Peep .

i ng o u t O f a palm tree above m i gh ty l ak a ch i mp was

, ,

George Sanders i n the best beard that money could b u y .

“
I D O N T W ANT LOV E ! I hate i t ! he was declaring petu
’ ”

“
lan tly It i nterferes wi th my work and yet I m
’
.

”
o nly h uman ! A second adverti sement portrayed the
painter i n an equally disenchanted mood over the cap ,
‘

tion W O M EN AR E ST RA N G E LITT L E BEA ST S ! Yo u can trea t

“

—
them like dogs ( he did ! ) beat them til yo u r arm aches ’

( h e did ) and still they love yo u ( th ey d i d ) B u t in .

the end they ll get you and you are helpless i n their
’

”
hands .

Alth ough Gau gui n s jo u rnal Avant et Apres and his

’

, ,

corre5 o n d e nc e with D de M ontfreid are fa i rly blue i n

p .

1 70
complete a go u ache by five O clock next thin g
’
.
—
D ame I the
,
—
I knew M iss Goody T w o shoes had sealed the door swal ,

lowed the key [clef] and I was it

, .

AS to the painting it g oes very slowly Ki n d est thanks

, .

for yo u r new calendar which arrived in good condition

, .

P ersonally the model is somew

,
hat skinny for my taste
and there is t oo m u ch drapery b u t tien s that is the bo u r
, ,

g e ois style T ell.me more abo u t that yo u th t he son of ,

yo u r pa tron The b oy has genius M arc u s ; I have an in

.
,
‘

stin c t for these th i ngs M ark me well he wi ll yet b e an

.
,

other Pi ero della Francesca .

I pinch your cl aws ,

M ATArEA ,
NOVE M B E R 1 z, 1 8
9 6
D E A R M ARCUS ,

Li fe here becomes i ncreasingl y ti resome my fri end ; ,

the women refuse to l et me alone How I envy Vincent .

those days at Arles wi th noth ing between him and his

,

muse but the sol ar spectrum I cam eto th is m iserable hole

.

s u rfei te d wi th c ivilizati on and i ts trinkets One m ight as .

well b e back i n the Rue Verci ng etorix Last n i ght I at .

tended a native féte and l ike a chump negl ected to cl ose

, ,

my door Return i ng home about two wi th a charm i ng

.

e rson who i ns i sted on seeing my fresco es I found the

p ,

wi fe of the M i n i ster of P ubl i c W orks conceal ed under

—
the bed The Old sto ry I must beat her wi thout f u rther
.

ad o treat her li ke a dog el se She wi ll st op l ovi ng me

, ,
.

ue l e b étise ! M arms re so ti red from flailing these

Q l y a
18 0
c ows that I can hardly m ix my p igments I Sit down in a .

work ingmen s ca fé for an i n fus i on ; i mmed i atel y I am

’

rounded by hordes of beauties beggi ng me to maltreat

them I ari se each morning determ i ned to Spend the day
.

serio u sly A pai r of dark eyes a t the wi ndow a tender

.
,

glance and po uf [pouf]go my resol uti ons After all I m

, ,
.
,
’

only h u man .

I have a superb conception for a canvas which wo uld

be the very antithesis of M anet s Olympia a native — ’ “ ”

gi rl stretched on the so fa regardi ng the onlooker with a ,

mixtu re of fear and coq u etry At this rate I shall never .

finish i t E very Sketch I begin ends the same I pose the

. .

model on a divan run my hand lightly over her back to

,

—
enhance the sheen an fo nd I am a painter of h ighl ights
and z ut we are Off on a tangent F or the ti me merely to
, .
,

block i n the masses I am usmg a rolled up umbrella in ,

-

lieu Ofa girl Actually an 1ron1c comment on your modem

.
,

woman all ribs and cloth W here are those big jolly
— w
.
, ,

upholstered girls one used to see ?

One fa ult only I find with your l etters : there are too
many lac u nae You say yo u r patron s son was surpn sed
.
“ ’
(

embracing his governess E t alors ? W hat ensued ? Yo u .

l eave too m u ch to the i maginati on Descri be the scene .

wi th greater fideli ty Send photographs i f poss ibl e In any

. .

event I m u st have a photo of the governess preferably

, ,

i n her chem1se for a compos i ti on I am engaged On It is

, .

an a i ry capri ce i n the manner of W atteau q ui te u nlike ,

—
my current th i ngs the startled governess blushing pro
fusely rep ul sing yet yielding to a d imin utiv e satyr I call
'

.
,
“ ”
it T ickled Pink Don t misunderstand mon copa in
.
’

,
.

18 1
T his is Simply rela xati on a change , Of pace from every
.

th i ng el se I m do i ng
’
.

As ev er ,

M AT AIEA M AY 3
, ,
18
97
D E AR M ARCUS ,

E p ocha l news ! I have arri ved ! After years Of scorn an d

Obloquy a fter a li fetime of abuse from academ i cians and
,

the kept press I have at last attai ned Ofli cial recogn i tion !
,

It came i n the person Of M me D ufresnoy wi fe Of the .

,

new Governor General just as I was at the l owest ebb

,

of d espa i r Reconstruct the scene for yoursel f : I was pac

.

i ng mood il y before my easel al one forgotten ,attempting , ,

to wri ng some i nsp i ration from the four or five scantily

cl ad houri s grouped on the da i s Sudden ly the sound of .
,

carri age wheel s and enter a visi on Of l ovelin es s a veritabl e

, ,

Jun o W hat flu i d rhythm what vibrati ons

.
,
and yet a
—
touch of that coarseness I find SO pi quant I trembled l ike
a schoo l boy ! But the rea l surpr i se was still to co me .

Housed i n thi s ravi shi ng exteri or is no sordid Ph il i sti ne

but a d eli cate subtl e Sp iri t attuned to mine ; i n a word,
,

a conno i sseur T al es Of my work have percol ated through

.

h er flunk i es and pl en i potent i ari es and she must see it ,

.
,
—
i n stanter In a tri ce the deta ils are a rranged I am to bri ng
my best canva ses to the ex ecutive mans i on next T u esday
for i nspecti on Only one cl oud mars my bl iss As the house
. .

is bei ng pl astered the v i ew i s to be hel d i n M adame s

’

boudoir a piti fully small room wh i ch I fear i s hardly ade

,

q uate to exh i bit the l arger oils P erditi on ! b ut we shall

.

18 2
s el f in my lap and we had just arrived at a rationale when
th e door fl ew Open and the Governor General r u shed in .

I co uld have demolished the big tub of t ripes wi th my

Sm all finger b u t he was escorted by a band of apach e s
, ,

armed t o the tee th I acq u i t ted mysel f handily n ev erth e

.
,

less and o u tside a di scolored eye and a t ri fl ing greens tick

,

fract u re emerged an easy v i ctor Thanks to M adame s

’
.
,

i n t ercession I was gi ven the most spacio u s room in the

,

lock u p and the assignmen t of whitewashing the walls It .

i s not pain t ing but working wi th new text u res i s good

,

artis t ic discipline .

Yo u r l etters as al ways remai n my cons tant solace If

, ,
.

I may presume on our friendship tho u gh please to omit , ,

al l fu rther references to that miserable little brat your ,

pa tron s son I am not i nterested in hl S gn my amours nor

’
.
,

anybody else s for that matter I have had enough of the

’
.
,

whole god damned subject

-
.

E ternall y ,

P GAU GU IN .
 T OM OR R O W

H e av knows I d on t want to sound gos sipy ’

en ,

b ut someth i ng rath er i mportant has oeen happening to

American advertis i ng In fact it almost looks as i f there
.
,

might b e no American advertising one of these days .

Perhaps a few of yo u i n the Older B usmess Boys D ivi ’

sion will recall an advertisemen t which appeared i n the

l a t e twenties It showed a well known Russian p ri nc ess
.
-

—
cl asping a K nOpfbook and bore the s tarry eyed adm iss i on ,

M ind ful of my d uty to the p u blic I am care fu l never to

“
,

I heard the mufll ed tread Of the lacqueri e in the s treets ,

and I even went so far as to b uy mysel f a pike s u i table for

carrying heads I g u ess it was merely a case Of wishful
.

advertising wo uld be destroyed from the o utside It won t ; .

’

i t s going to b u bble and heave and finally expire in the

’

arms of two n u ns like Oscar W ilde

,
.

Th e O pen i ng note of the march e fu n eb re was sounded

in an advertisemen t for Li st erine tooth pas t e in a recent
iss u e of the Am erican H om e I t was a car t oon strip called
.

l ows : Pa tty a zestful li ttle breastful cro u ches on a beach

, , ,

daydreaming wi th her tw o ch u ms From her mo u th issues .

“
a b alloon wi th the cap tion I read somewhere there s a
,
’

great call for photographers models W o uldn t I like to

’
.
’

be one lo t s Of money and a chance a t the rnOVi es

maybe W hy not Patty? urges Bob Yo u d be sure
.
” “
,
”
.
“ ’

18 5
to s u cceed I ll get Dad to call up h i s photographer friend
.
’

,
”
M r H ess
. .

In less than t wo panels M r Hess i s breaki ng the bad , .

“
news to Pa t ty I m a fraid yo u won t do M iss Pa tty Yo u r
.
’ ’

, .

teeth are good b u t n ot good enou gh For camera work

,
.

they have to be perfect T o M iss J ones M r Hess sec re .

, .
’

ta ry Patty SOb s o ut her chagrin I ve failed ; M iss Jon es

,
.
“ ’

” “
and we needed the money so badly ! Failed ! Fiddle
s ticks ! co u n ters M iss Jones briskly All yo u need t o do
”
.
“

is u se a Special type of too th paste that o u r best models

an d screen stars u se L I ST E R IN E T OO TH P A ST E 18 i ts name
. .

”
T ry i t tw o weeks th en come back .

W ell Sir yo u re proba bly psychic Three W eeks

, ,
’
.

—
Later at the Stu di o i ntrod u ces the fi fth pict u re in ,
“
which M r Hess anno u nces T he job s yo u rs M iss Pa tty
.
,
’

$ 50 a week I can t believe yo u re the same girl Yo u r

’ ’
. .

” “ ”
t eeth are simply perfect I m SO thankf ul M r Hess .
’
.
,

replies Patty who i s a b ulldog for tenacity It may lead

, .

to the movies And all the credit i s due to M iss Jones

. .

“
Th e si x th and last panel is headed One Year Later On .
”

the Observation platform of a train surrounded by the ,

u pt u rned faces of towns folk stands P atty her Smart tail , ,

“
le u r festooned wi th orchids You re all SO wonderful .
’
.

” “
Good bye ! Good bye ! she calls She ll click i n Holly
- -
.
’

wood Observ es Bob stoutly to Patty s gi rl chum and it is

,
’

P atty s nameless girl chum whose answer should go ccho

’
a

“
i ng down the corridors of time M aybe we d bet t er start .
’

using LI ST ERIN E T OO TH P A ST E too Sh e m u rmurs drea rily ,

.

“ ”
Any thin g to get out of this hick town .

The i talics are mine b u t the desperation i s that of the ,

18 8
feedbin i nto a playroom no more hanging aro u n d the l iv ,

ery s table with q u es tionable acq u ain tances !

—
M R B RA D L E Y Yes we now have a livery s table right in
.
,

o u r own home Th e ini tial expense was b rutal but the

.
,

money only ga thered two and a half per cen tu m in the

bank .

B OBB Y and SU SIE ( mun ching can dy b arS ) Hooray ! —

Hooray for this new taste sensation !
.
—
M R S B RAD L E Y Harvey I m worried abo u t the chil
’

d ren Don t you think they have too m u ch energy ?

.
’

—
SU SI E Ch OC N u gs are j u st lo ade d wi th energy M oms !
-
,

T hese crackly n u gge t s of p u rest Peruvi an cocoa Speckled ,

Wi th full fl av ored rain washed n ut meats call for th a

-
,
-
,
“ ”
chorus of Yu ms from every wi de aw ak e girl and b oy ! -

—
B O B B Y I n M exi co i t s Viva el Ch oc N ugo ! b u t in
i
’ “
-

“ ”
Ameri ca its Hooray for Choc N u gs ! Any way yo u pro -

”
no unce i t i t i s pronounce d G oodylicious by mill i ons Of
,

eager candy l overs ! -

M R BRADLE Y I see that l have fathered a co u ple of

.
—

Yahoos Bobby answer the door

.
,
.

—
B O B BY Had we installed a set o ings the new electri c ,

chime i t wo uld not be necessa ry for callers to wait o u tside

,

i n the rain and s l eet .

—
M R BRADLE Y Answer the door or I will knock your
.

,
—
b lock O ff you m u rdering l i t tle saw toothed ape ( B o b b y .

e t d o r a d mi ts M r an d M rs F l e tch er an d th eir three

g o s o o , . .

children attire d in lo ng b alb riggan un derwear G en eral

,
.

ree tin s
g g ) .

M RS FL ET CH E R— Don t m i n d us Verna we just

.
’

, ,

dropped in to sneer a t yo ur towels ( Unfolding a to w el ) .

18 8
My they re so absorbent and fl u ffy aren t they? You
’ ’

, ,

know they re made of selected fibres c ulled from high

’

g rade fla t t ailed
-
M ontana Sheep subject to rigid in spec

tion by q u alified sheep inspectors .

.
—
M RS BRADL EY ( lis tless ly ) They fall apart in two days ,

but we got tired of using blotters .

.
—
M RS FL ET CHE R Ve m a I think i t s abo u t t ime you
,
’

—
and I had a heart to heart t alk abo u t yo u r skin You re as
-
.
’

rough and scaly as an old piece of birch bark -

.

.
—
M R S B RADL E Y I know; i t s my own fault I neglec t ed
’
;

my usual beau ty cocktail .

M RS FL ET CHER Skins you know are divided into

.
—
, ,

— —
three types cameo butter scotch and mock n u tria .
, ,

Yo u rs de fi es classi fi ca t ion .

.
—
M R S B RADL E Y ( m isera b ly ) O h how can I wi n back ,

my Prince Charm i ng?

M RS F LE T CHE R W hy not follow the example of glam
.
—

DI O US M rs Barney Kessler socially prominent matron of

.
,

th e M ain Line ?
M RS B RADL E Y W hat does Sh e do ?
.
—
—
M R S FL ET CHE R E ach morning on ri sing Sh e scrubs
.
, ,

i er skin wi th an ordinary Sink bru sh T hen Sh e gen tly pa t s-

.

ii any good brand O f van i shing cream until Kessler dis

i ea rs t o his O fli ce
pp .

M RS BRAD L E Y And then ?

.
—

.
—
M RS FL E T CHE R I can t remember but She s got a
’ ’

ompl exion like a yo u ng girl .

—
M R FL ET CHE R Say H arvey make this test for yo u r
.
, ,

elf D O some brands of pipe tobacco i rri tate your tongu e

.
,

z ause your eyebal l s to caps i ze i n your head ? T hen pack

your Old briar with velve ty Pocahontas M ixture and kno w
—
true smoke ease Aft er all yo u have to p u t something
.
,

i nto yo u r pipe You can t just sit there like a b u mp on a

.
’

log.

—
M R B RA DL E Y I get a l ong al l ri ght smoking Old lea v es
.

from my lawn .

R .
—
M FL E T CH E R Yes but l ook at the fancy tin these
,

people give yo u Remember that five h u ndred of these

.

“
tins and a fifty word essay on E arly Ken tish Brass Rub
-

”
bings en ti tle yo u to the Pocahontas M ixtu re vaca tion
Of fer whereby you reti re at Sixty wi th most of yo u r fac ul
,

ties i mpaired .

R .
— —
M S FL E T CHE R E r F re d d on t you th i nk i t s time ,
’ ’

we .

R .
—
M F L E T CH E R Now Harri et d on t i nterrupt Can t , ,
’
.
’

you see I m talki ng to Harvey Bradley?

’

.
—
M RS F L E T CHE R ( timidly ) I know but there seems ,

to be abo u t two feet Of water i n th i s cellar and it s rising ’

steadily .

—
M R BRADLE Y ( s heep ishly ) I guess I should have
.

Spec i fied Sumw enc o Su per Anneal e d Brass Pipe thro u gh

-

out M y contractor warned me at the ti me

. .

M R F L E TCH ER ( b ailing lik e mad with his tin ) W ell

.
— ,

—
th i s i s a pretty how do you d o - -
.

.
—
M R S BRAD LE Y ( c omforta b ly ) At l east whatever else ,

happens under the Central American M utu al Perpe t ual

,

Amortiz ational Group Insurance Plan our loved ones

n eed not be reduced to pen u ry .

—
M RS FL E T CHE R Wh at good i s that? Our loved Ones
.

are ri gh t here wi th us!

19 0
 S WEE T AN D HOT

N ow that Jack F rost s magi c brush has made

’

every dell a d eligh t wi th delicate traceri es of ice and sno w

‘

inviti ng each of us to turn W andervogel and roam the

woodland path with a dog i n his haversack what p ulse ,

does not q u icken ? M y p ulse sweetie and don t forget it

, ,
’
.

If anything i t Slows down to a dead s t op at the mere

,

tho u ght It is on days like these that I barricade the doo r

.

with my bu rea u heap my sto ut walking shoes and parka

,

on the coals and settle down by the oven wi th a pla t e of

,

cooki es and the c u rrent iss u e of ei ther The Crac k er B ak er

or M e tron o m e W ha t ever energy I b u rn t u rn ing their
.

p ages i s replaced by the cookies which i n turn are

,
replaced
by more cookies .

A pushover for crackers an d sweet wafers from boy

hood I w ent along for years thinking I knew all there was
,

to know abo u t cook ies W hen the talk at the club turned
.

to Fig Newtons for instance I could always command at

, ,

t ention and respectful glances from the Older men by

d escribi ng a Special kind of F ig Newton wi th bitter choc -

olate icing I had seen M y l ittle monograph on the muta

.

—
tions of Social T eas and Co ffee M allom ars had attracted a
certain amount of attention and I was prepari ng a d efin
,
‘

itiv e paper on the B u tter T hin It wasn t geni u s or tal ent

’
.
,

mind yo u ; I was just better pos t ed on the subject You get .

i nto this li ttle dream world of yo u r own and then one ,

day boom ! along comes The Crack er B ak er

, . .

”
Perhaps boom ! is too strong a word to descri be the
19 2
way The Crack er B ak er p ublished by the Am eric an T ra d e
,

P ub li shing Company comes along M ayb e more of a

,
.

h u mming or d roning so u nd to blend wi th the meas u red

, ,

heavy b reathing Of the reader as his eyes lose foc u s and

his head droops like a sun fl ow er N O ma tt er how m u ch
-
.

yo u ado re H y drox b isc u i ts it s pretty h ard to take to

,
’

yo u r bosom a machin e that mixes s tamps b akes and

'

, , ,

wraps twelve h u nd red of them a min ut e M o ther s fin .

’

gers it seems h ave given way to tho u sands of terri fying

, ,

presses which p rint cookies like newspapers u nder the

mos t hygienic and u ninteres ting con di tions In this .

—
M onel metal wilderness of cams b u shings gears and , ,

levers the Q u es tion and Answer Depa rt ment of The

,
- -

Crack er B a k er 13 a pillar of fire by day Here the panic .

stricken baker eyes rolling and tee th cha ttering bla b s o u t

, ,

his indiscretions and qu ivers under the lash Of the editor s ’

scorn Less bizarre than many i s the plea which appeare d

.

not long ago :

E D ITO R, T he Crack er B ak er
W e are send ing y ou a few of ou r sod a b iscuits . As you w ill
seethey are full of fish mouths .

Can y ou tell me w hat is the cau se of that and what w e coul d

T hank ing y ou, w e re mai n ,

The edito r conceals his agi tation wi th some technical

fa tu i ties ab out B C wa tching his yeast B C can watch
. . . . .

his yeas t from now till Chri stmas b ut it i s apparen t t o ,

anyb ody that he is Cop i ng wi th noth i ng more or less than

trolls Somewhere along the line he has gi ven Offen ce to
.
the Little People and they have put the finger on him I
, .

can t make out from his letter whether they are the small
’

g nomes wi t h the red hats and the curly Shoes or t he ,

l a rger goblin type b u t it is unmistakably the Good Folk

, ,

at work It was distinc tly u nwise Of him to sq u eal On them

.
r

to the editor Of The Crack er B ak er b u t if he will leave a ,

large crumb cake and two dozen ci nnamon buns ( witho ut

raisins please ) at my door every mo rning for a month
, ,

I Shall try to i ntercede i n h i s behalf .

The plight Of T B whose chron i cl e w as printed i n a

. .
,

recent i ssue i s even more poignant

,

EDITOR The Crack er B ak er:

,

I am w riting y ou to see ify ou can perhaps help me M y b ake .

shOp and st ore is next to an aut om ob ile ac cessory s t ore W h en .

ever the col der w eather sets in these p eople sell a larg e quantity
of al c oh ol F rom handli ng th i s an d c arryi ng i t th rough th e
.

st ore the od or or s mell p enet rat es th rough the w all s i nt o my

,

st ore Th i s is very an noyi ng and my cu st omers ask what smell s

. .

H ave y ou any u ggestions as to what I coul d spray in my store

s

that w oul d c ou nt erac t th e oth er od or an d at th e same ti me n ot

h arm my cakes etc or if th ere is any other su ggesti on y ou can
, .

make I woul d b e gl ad to hear from y ou T B . . .

To s u ggest that T B Spray h i s co ffee ri ngs and cup

. .

c akes wi th a scent like Arpeg e or B ellod g ia i s only to con

fu se him and the expense O f Spraying the c u stomers

,

w o u ld be r u ino u s Nor wo u ld it be feasible to lay down

.

a heavy barrage O f dichloroe thyl sulphide or chloropicrin

‘

gas E i ther of the latter would e ffectively counteract the

.

alcohol b u t might Show a tendency to eat the features

,

and the clothes O ff the customers T B S best bet i s to . . .

’

19 4
 not pass unchallenged Th at symptom of the lips q u iver
.

i ng can be remedied by pasting them together; the l os s

to the pro fession wo uld not be irreplaceable as the med ,

ical pro fession can always ge t more pas t e .

In the same n u mber of M e tron o m e W R of Dolge , . .

,

v ille N Y complains as follows

, . .
,

I am troubled with a lack Of endurance when playing fi rst

tru mpet but when playing sec ond trumpet this does not b other
me I am pl ayi ng w ith a te n piec e c omb inat ion and have ju st
.
-

retu rn ed from a seve n w eeks e ngag em e n t l y ng ever nigh t

’
-
p a i y , .

I feel that I have had quite a b it of expe ience and practice r

du ri ng the s ummer to g et my l ip in good Shape as I have b een

l ay i n fi st t ru m et in d anc e b an d s now for over a year
p g r
p .

D oes smoki ng i n ju re th e lip?

D oes playi ng w ith a dry l ip make any d ifferenc e in l ip en
du ranc e? I u se a c oncave rim mouthpiec e an d have pl ayed on
that for a year Should my lip b e u sed to the change by n ow ?
.

W ill y ou pl ease tell me j ust how l ong it Shoul d tak e an

averag e fell ow of 1 5 to d evel op a strong lip?

Goodness gracmus W R not SO ,

ll have my . .
,
—
fast yo u
’

head i n a whirl ! Now first abo u t smoking Of course i t .

~
,

Won t i nj u re your lip ; that i s if yo u mean smoking m ari

’

juana A man of fi ft een like yo u rself o u ght to be good for

.

his twen ty or thirty a day wi tho u t any harmf u l e ffect .

Naturally yo u may fall down once i n a while or drag yo u r

, ,

l eft leg Sligh tly b u t tha t s a detail As for playing wi th a

,
’
.

—
dry lip not i n p ublic Old man Remember yo u re a big .
’

, ,

b oy now I f yo u re really in earnest a b o u t developing a

’
.

strong lip there are a few Simple rules First yo u ll have

, .
,
’

to w i pe O ff that farina or z wieb ack or wha t ever tha t un

, ,
f

19 8
 pleasant s ubstance i s you al ways have on i t Then you ll .
’

have to practice hanging by yo u r lip from branches in ,

creasing the height every day until it becomes really dan

erous I f the bo u gh breaks don t t ighten up and get tense
’

g .
,

—j u s t fall heavily like a sack of meal And finally if yo u

,
.
,

possibly can do me one favor Fall on yo u r tru mpet will

“

,
.
,

yo u ? I know it s asking a lot b u t it ll make me terri b ly

’

,
’

—
happy please .

B u t it is the M ay iss u e of M e tronom e wh i ch carries th e

repor t Of an anonymo u s band leader so tragic tha t i t lie s
almost too deep for tears
This l eader w rites that his tru mpet section is su ffering from
the foll ow i ng faul ts : Split t on es, u nc ertai n attack, i nab il ity to
hit h igh tones, poor vib rato no endurance, poor ph rasmg sl ow
, ,

exec ut ion, no vib rato, and inab ility to read .

E venthe trumpet edi tor who has seen troubl e as only

,

a tr u mpet edi tor can throws up h i s hands

,

E vidently the most xped ient w aye out of your difficulty i s

to get an ent ire new tru mpet sec tion .

And as for me I m go i ng to get an enti re new plate of

,
’
 S EE D LI N G S O E D E S I R E

B re nt Ca r s t a i r s ,
Broadway s foremost ’

prod u cer li fted a b ored black eyebrow i n langu id am u se

,

ment and bestowed a tolerant stare thro u gh Sleepy eyelids

on M oot Poin t his general manager His long sensi t ive
, .
,

fingers the fingers Of a poet and dreamer he had recen tly

,

acq u ired at auction toyed with the sk u ll Of a so u brette

,

which Served him as a paperweight .

“
— —
T his little ah stock actress Of yo u rs i s all ve ry well ,

he threw at Po i nt but can t you see M o ot the part calls

’

, , ,

for a woman of the world .

“ ”
Ach mein Gott ! groaned Point i n hi s com i cal Ger
,

man dialect fl ingi ng h i s to u pee on the rug and stamping

,

“
o n it . He calls Gaby Papadakis a s tock actress ! I tell yo u ,

Brent n efer haf I seen such yo u th such fire s u ch

, , ,

Ca rstairs ex changed a q u izzical glance with his manserv

ant fitted it in t o an ivo ry holder and lit it abstractedly A
, .

mu scle flickered i n his lean jaw an d as its so u nd died o u t ,

in the great room Carsta i rs arose ,

.

“
All right M oot I ll see her he said decisively Pack
, ,
’

,
”
.

my bags E no I m l eavin g i mmed iately for W ilkes

, .
’

”
Barre .

“ ”
Shall I pack your fl ann els sair ? q u eri e d the inscrut ,

able O riental .

“
N O never m i nd them
,
waved Carsta irs i rri tably It
,
.

was characteris t ic of the man that he u s u ally a t e a few

swatches of flannel whilst traveling on t rains B u t today .

he was nervo u s distra u ght; with the Opening O f B eck y s

’

18 8
th ewinding iron s tairway and took her place in the wings .

Th e opening chor u s was just swelling from the orchestra :

W e greet y ou tonight w ith hearts that are light

At th e W ilk es B arre B oat Club Show
-
,

W e k n ow you ll enjoy all the jok es w e employ

’

F or th ey re all q uite n ew , you k now ;

’

Singing , dancing , hearts en trancing,

F ascinating , ca
ptiv atin
g b oy s are w e ,
are we .

From the first moment Brent Carstai rs descried Gaby

P apadakis he co uld not help plac i ng her on a pedestal
and fu migating her Only nineteen th ere was a sort Of
.
,

silken l u ster abo u t her which fell to her knees in un d ulat

—
ing folds On her dainty egg shaped head was massed a
.

crop of a u b u rn c u rls ; the c u c u mbers Sh e had grown there

the previo u s s u mmer were forgo tt en in the p ulsing
rhythm of the momen t Sufli ce it to say that when the
.

c u rtain fell on the las t act i n which Gaby wen t to face

,

th e firing sq u ad amid a fan faronade of Shoehorns Car

-
,

st ai rs decision was sealed

’
.

”
Then we may expect yo u F ri day morn i ng ? Bren t
Ca rstairs voice was crisp as he folded the Signed con tract
’

—
an d s t owed it into his pla i d back u lster .

“ ”
Y yes stammered Gaby A blush mantled her cheek
-
, .

as the courtly i mpresario stooped and kissed her hand in

two four ti me Long a fter he had gone Sh e sat staring at
-
.

his elegan tly engraved card Brent Carstairs ! Th e name .

swam before her eyes Ah yo uth yo u th ! Canst thy bright

.
, ,

pennons embossed wi th Hope s heraldry survive the blasts ’

2 00
 o f thy discontent ? Th e words O f the i mmortal poet P ea r

( body
"
came back to her i n t heir f u ll poignancy
Gaby Papadakis stood in the swirling con fu sion of
Gran d Central huggi ng her shabby portmantea u t o her .

—
W ilkes Barre was far beh i nd now; she had b u rned h er
b oats and the first step was to h u nt u p a doc t or t o pre
( ,
»

scribe a sooth i ng lotion for them This done Gaby re .

,
‘

pai red to a n earby eati ng house and m ade a delicio u s -

breakfast Ofoatcreel and meap fl anked by hot b i scu i ts an d ,

b u nny Slic ing down h er tired feet wi th a steaming

.

dra ught of cofl ee Gaby hurri ed to the o ffices of Brent

,

Carstairs Th e disti ngu ished producer l ooked up from

.

slit ting his morning ma il A pl eas ant sm il e played aroun d .

th e co mers Of his desk

A
.

W ell M iss M inx he began with mock severity are

, ,
”
,

1
—
you ready for work hard work ? How are you r m u scles ?
He gave her calf a pl ayful squ eeze .

—
I I forgot to bring them along faltered Gaby col ~ , ,

oring v i olently .

“
Yo u must sen d for them i nstanter di rected Car ,
a

hs ta ir s W e.don t “
want any shirkers
’
i n B ec k e
y s B lin tz es
’

M iss Papadakis I think you had b ett er begi n your fenci ng

.

”
tely He press ed one of the buttons on
.

n ifi
f —
ce b o entered
a
s y , .

“
T ake this yo u ng lady over to Beppo for a fenci ng l es f

“
Ason , he o rdered O h by the w ay M iss Papadakis have
.
, , ,

(iyo u fo u nd q u ar t ers ye t ? N o ? Le t m e see —you had b e tt e r

use these for the t ime be ing He h an ded her a roll of

_ .

uarters and stood u p Ga b y a t tempted to t hank him b ut

.
,
her fingers were all th u mbs Carstairs rubbe d a bl u e and .

freshly shaven cheek against her so ft one and re tu rned it

to his coat pocket -
.

“
Now ru n along to yo u r fencing lesson child ,
.

All that a ft ernoon u nder B eppo s wa tch ful s u pervision

,
’

Gaby lea rned something Of the art O f fencing ; how to

d rill the holes the proper way to string barb ed wire and
, ,

fi nally a few choice words to wri t e on bo ard fences

,
.

T h e next day u nder the a b le g u idance of A b el G uy d en s

, ,

Carstairs dance director Sh e was initiated in t o the mys

’

te ri es of T erpsichore E ach nigh t Sh e r ub bed her aching

.

b ack wi th Arnica her colored maid in close at t endance

, , .

M eal t imes were Spent closely scanning her lines E ve ry .

time he scanned them Brent Ca rs tairs felt s u rer that he

had not made a mistake W i thin a week he gave i i p eating .

al t ogether and was Spen ding his en tire l u nch ho u r j u st

Scanning her lines .

Th e opening nigh t of B ec ky s B lin tzes repaid his fai th

’

i n Gaby Sh e was vivid vi b rant as s u re foo t ed as a mo u n

.
, ,
-

tain goat Al l her en t rances we re timed t o the min u te

.
,

an d twice when she Spoke a h u sh fell over the ho u se and

had to be removed by the u she rs Slowly the disbelief .

faded from the faces of the cri t ics and was replaced b y a
placidi ty a t enderness SO intense that i t co uld only be
,

called sl u mbe r For three m i n u tes a fter the c u rtain no

.

so u nd co uld be heard Cars tairs as tu te en trepren e u r that

.
,

he was finally sent the s tagehands through the a u dience

,

beati ng ti n pans Th en at last jaded and blasé New York

.

first nighters were thrilled to the core A great rev erb erat .

i ng snore rolled like a m i gh ty wave from the mezzan i ne

2 02
 u res a pair Of brawn y yo ung arms like i ron pinioned his
, .

He wheeled h i s jaw dropping A grim yo u ng face wi th

,
.

a tangle of blond curls above it was looking in t o his eyes

sq u arely .

“
Oxmoor ! blenched Ca rs tai rs involu n ta rily .

” “
Th e same said the yo u ng man Y o u tho u gh t yo u d
’
.
,

le ft me behind didn t yo u ? Yo u fo rgot th at I co uld follow

,
’

yo u in my amphi b ian An d he felled Carst ai rs to the

.

deck with a Single blow like an O xmoor had felled an in

vading Pe rsian at the ba ttle Of Salami three tho u sand
y ea rs befo re .

“
Lloyd ! W hat a world of relief Gaby th rew in t o that
”

sylla bub ! He t ook her in his a rm s and cru shed her t o him .

“ ”
I got yo u r telephone message j u s t in t ime lover , ,

“
Lloyd said h u skily Cha rlo tt e was a t H urley s early this
.
’

”
aft ern oon and fo u nd Donald He confessed every thing .

“
T he n yo u fo u nd the
“
Here they are safe and so u nd he s aid Simply d raw
, , ,

i ng the garnets from his necktie Th e detectives didn t .

’

”
think of looking there .

Nei ther Of them Spoke for somehow words seemed ,

strangely banal again st the t ropic b eauty O f the l agoon .

Captain Stannard a white patch in the darkness co u ghed

, ,

discree tly .

“
Steam s u p sir awaiting yo u r orders
’
.
, ,

“
T ake the wheel and relieve him Jack Lloyd O x ,
.

moor s voice was gentle an d almo st i na u d ible for his lips

’

“
were grazing Gaby Papadak is s h air H ead h er to w ard the ’
.

South Seas St an nard ; I ve fo u nd hea rt s ease at the end

’ ’
-
,

”
of the rainbow Old man , .

2 04
 KI T CHEN WA R E , N O TI O N S ,
L I GHT S , A CTI ON , CA M E R A !

T o th e
casual rea d er there was noth i ng i n yes ,

terday s N ew York Times to distingu i sh i t from any nor

’

mal edi tion of that newspaper Caught like flies in the .

amber of the daily screen jottings however were two , ,

i t ems which easily o u tweighed anything on the front

“
page Vi rginia Dale E s ther Fernandez Dana Dale and
.
, , ,

“
M artha O D riscoll ran the first have been loaned by
’ ”
, ,

Paramo u nt to Harry Donah u e i ndependent prod u cer , ,

to appear i n a fashion short which will be pho tographed ,

i n color in the G rand Canyon the film will b e exhib

ited in department stores throu gho u t the co u ntry on a
”
rental basis Ha rd on the heels O f the first came th is
.

“
second tidbit : Gloria Jean child so ngstress at Universal , ,

will make a personal app earan c e at Gimbe l Bro thers at

1 1 AM today to discus s her favori te Sports and l ife in
.

”
Hollywood .

Aes thetes may dec ry this rapproachemen t between art

and commerce this Spiri tu al wedding of L B M ayer and
, . .

R H M acy b u t I feel the ma t ch was made in heaven

. .
, .

Th e day is dawning when film and department store may

fuse i nto a single s u perb medi u m with mighty themes ,

like Res u rrec t ion and Gone with the W ind har
“ ” “ ”
e

n essed di rec tly to the task of merchandising wi n te r sports

wear and pean u t fed hams Once sel f consciousness dis~

-
.
-

appears Jan uary whi t e sales mids u mmer cl earances and

, , ,

c u rrent Specials will be neatly embodied i n the pictu res

themselves and it Should s u rprise nobody to hear M is s
,

28 5
L oy address M r P owell thus i n some future Th i n M an
.

“
W hy hello dear l ong ti me no see Yes this divine
, , , .
,

mink coat tailored by mink wise cra ftsmen from Specially

,
-

selected skins is only at N amm s in Brooklyn

,
’

Porch Schlagober s i n Dallas the Boston Store in

’

Cleveland the Cleveland Store i n Boston and Kerosene

, ,

”
Brothers in Denver AS for the legiti mate theat er it will .
,

probably preserve i ts u sual sti ff necked attit u de for a -

while b u t i n time i t m u st adapt itsel f to the external pres

,

su re Of pic tures and radio .

AS little more than a trial balloon i n this directi on I ,

append the foll owi ng blueprint for a new department

store dramaturgy In the event of a prod u c tion I suggest
.
,

a week s tryo u t in Philadelphia at some ho u se like Straw

’

bri dge Clothier s before bri ngi ng i t into W anamaker s

’

,
’

or H eams for the New York ru n

Sc en e : The mus ic roo m in the pala tial villa of M rs L af

.

c adio M ifllin at N ew po rt M rs M ifllin a majes tic w oman . .

,

in a s lim pin B e m b erg corsele t w ell b one d o v er th e dia

-

p h ra m
g ( S ter n B ro th er s fo u r th fl oor ) i s sea te d at th e , ,

co nsole of her W u rlitzer so ftly w urlitzing to h erself M r ,

. .

f
,
—
h l ifflin in a poro u s k n i t unio n s u it from Fra n k lin Simon s
’

street fl oor is s tre t ch e d o ut b y the fire lik e a g rea t t a w ny

, ,

c at I n asm u ch as th ere is a great ta w ny c at s tre tch e d out

.
,

al on gs i d e him a ls o w earing a poro u s k n i t unio n s u i t i t is

,
-
,

n ot imme di ate ly ap paren t whi ch is M ifliin E n ter Ce leste .

,

a mai d in a s hado w s ilhouette gi rdle an d b ra ( Ju nior

,

M iss es L or d ,
Taylo r fifth fl oor ) She carries a no te on , .

a sa lv er .
 —
M i F F L rN This i s alarmi ng news . AS you know her eu~
,

a
g g e m en t to Stacy B onb right IV w as a foregone con
clusion .

M RS .
—
M i F F L i N You
mean the brill i ant yo u ng avia to r
and Six goal man whose athaletic career at Bowdoin an d
-

s u bseq u ent Spec u lations i n W all Street have made him

the catch Of the season ?
—
M IF FLIN T ll e same ’

.
—
M RS M i F F L i N M artin th i s tawd ry i nfatuati on w i th a
,

b arber must be termina t ed .

— —
M F L rN How did Sh e first meet th i s this person ?
i F

.
—
M RS M i F F L rN I t was a typ i cal T u cky M i fflin esca a

pade Heads trong child that She i s Sh e refused to have

.
,

her ha i r washed in any one of several department store —

salons where co u rteo u s attendants and sympathetic serv

ic e i nsure satisfacti on Instead Sh e visited an establish

.
,

ment u pstairs over a poo l room and encountere d the co i f

fe u r in q u estion
—
M i F F L i N How to re so lv e th i s perp l exi ng state of
a ffairs ?
.
—
M R S M IFF L IN l have a p lan Wh y not consul t our .

favorite d epartment store? As you know nationwide ,

credi t facili ties maintain a close s u rveillance on the char

ac t er and reliab ility of c u stomers Should this Luigi as he .
,

styles himself have come u nder the i r scr u tiny

,

—
M IFFLIN Capital ( H e p i cks up a toma to can c on
.

nec te d b y a le n g th of w axe d strin g w i th N ew York ) .

Hello Central give me the credit bureau of my favorite

, ,

depa rtment s t ore Hello ? T his is M artin M ifll in

. .

2 08
W hat i nforma ti o nhave yo u on a party named Luigi?
Yes ? Yes Indeed Th ank you ; .

M RS M IFFL IN ( anxrously l W ere o u r apprehens i on s

.
—
j u s tified ?
—
M IFFLIN F u lly Th i s scalawag who has l ed Gis ele
.

down the garden path i s none oth er than M ike the quon ‘

dam poli ceman c u rren tly layi ng Si ege to Cel este As Sh e .

feared the rogu e has a wi fe and two children But thanks

,
.

to the watchdog who never sleeps ( organiz ed reta il credi t

investigation ) o u r child is saf e ( The d oor o pens an d
, .

Gis ele b urs ts in acc ompanie d b y Stacy B onb righ t I V )

,
.

—
GISE L E Oh M other what a l ittle goo se you mu st
, ,

think me ! Fortunately I discovered my error in ti me an d

,

married Stacy Bonb right IV .

—
M i F F L rN T ake her my boy You ve earn ed her as
, .
’

well as th i s Sight draft for several m illi on d ollars .

STACY ( w arm ly ) Thanks Sport -

, .

g: G I SE L E —How do you like my we d di ng ta ill eur M oth er ? ,

.
—
M RS M i F F L rN It s a heller Al tm an s of course ?
’
.
’

—
GI SELE Yes an d avail able i n n i neteen d i fferent sha d es
,

among them wi ne russet beige peach grackl e stone

, , , , ,

liver l over blu bber blabber and clabber

, , , .

—
M IF FL IN Ancl now children what are your honey , ,
c

oon plans ? Hot Springs Placid ? Sun Valley? ,

—
GISEL E ( dimpling ) Not on your ti n type F ather Just , .

plai n ol d fash i oned Saks

,
-
.
 CA P TA I N FUT UR E ,
B L O CK THA T KI CK!

I gu e I m j u st an Old mad sci entist at bot

’
ss

tom Give me an u nderground laboratory hal f a dozen

.
,

atom smashers and a bea u ti ful gi rl in a diaphano u s veil

-
,

wai ting to be t u rned i n t o a chimpanzee and I care not ,

who writes th e nati on s l aws Yo u ll have to leave my

’
.
’

meals on a tray outside the door because I ll be working ’

pretty late on the secret of making mysel f i nvis ible which ,

may take me almost u ntil eleven O clock Oh yes and

’
.
, ,

don t l et s forget one more thing I ll need a li fe sub sc rip

’ ’
.
’

tion to a new q u arterly jo u rnal called Cap tain F utu re ,

W izard of Scien ce a bright diadem on the forehead of

,

,
—
Be tt er P u blications 2 2 W est F orty eigh th Stree t New ,

York City .

As one who tri ggere d a di s i ntegrator wi th B u ck Rogers

and co uld dash O ff a t opographical map of M ongo or Dale
Arden with eq u al facility I tho u gh t i n my p ride and ar
,

ro an c e I knew all there was to know abo u t as t ronomical

g
adventu re It was some thing of a shock there fore to fin d
.
, ,

o u t several days back that I was little more than a Slip

pered pantal oon Beside Cap tain F u t u re W izard of Sci
.
,

ence Flash Gordon and the E mperor M ing pale to a

,

co u ple of n u rsery to ts chewi ng on H olland r u sk .

Th e novelette in which this Spec tac ular ca b a llero

“
makes his bow to scien tification fans Opens with no
f u mbling preamble or prosy exposi tion In t o the o ffice .

O f James Carthe w President of the E ar th G ove rnment

, ,

2 10
 A ird shape had jus t l eaped o nto the bal cony I t was a
we .

manlike fi gu re but one w hose b ody w as rubb ery b onel ess

, ,

lo ok ing blank white in c ol or H e w ore a metal harness and

,
-
.
,

h is l ong Sl itt ed green u nh u man eyes peered b righ tly out of an

,

al ie n w h it e face F oll ow i ng thi s rubb ery androi d or syntheti c

.
,

, ,
—
man came a nother fi gu re equally as strang e a gi ant metal
rob ot w ho strod e a c ross th e b al c ony on p add ed fe et He .

tow ered s even feet h igh I n his bul b ou s metal head gl eamed a
.

r of photoelec tri c eyes T he rob ot s left h and carri ed th e

’

pa i .

handle of a square transparent b ox I nside it a living b rain was

.

h oused I n the front of the case were the Brain s tw o glitte i ng

.
’
r

glass lens eyes E ven now they were movi ng on their flexible
-
.

metal s talks to look at the President .

At th i s juncture I took ti me out to mOisten my li p s

wi th the ti p of my tongue retri eved my own eyeball s and
, ,

plunged on Capta i n Future h i msel f was somewhat more

.

“
tailore d than his comrades i n fact qu ite swagger H is , .

u nru l y shock of red ha i r towered Six feet four above the

fl oor and his wi de l ithe shoulders threatened to burst the

,

”
jacket of h i s gray sy n th esilk Z i pper suit In pulp ficti on-
i t .

is a ri gid c onventi on that th e h e ro s Should ers and the

’

h ero i ne s b alc o n constantly threatens to burst thei r bonds

’

a poss i b ili ty wh i ch keeps th e a u dienc e i n a state of t ense

exp ectancy Unfo rtunately for the fan s h owever recent

.
, ,

tests revea l that the wi sp of chi ffon wh i ch stand s b etween

the publi sher and the postal l aws has the tensil e strength
of dro p forged steel
-
.

T o acqu a i nt the reader more full y w i th that tall cheer ,

—
f ul red haired young adventurer Of the ready l augh and
,

flying fists the i mplacable Nemes is of all Oppressors and

,

ex p l oiters of th e System s h u man and planetary races

’

2 12
the author i nterrupts his smoki ng na rrative wi th a bri ef
do ssier In the year 1 990 the brillian t yo u ng E arth biol
.
,

og ist R oger Newton aided by the living brain of Simon

,

W right ( the greatest brain in scien tific

“
had
unravelled the secret Of artificial li fe Now certain dark .
,

forces headed by one Vi ctor Co rvo were determined to

apprOpn ate Newton s secret T o confound him Roger
'
’
.
,

Newton proposed to E laine h i s wi fe and the Living , ,

Brain that they conceal themselves on the moon .

“ ”
But the moon ! E l ai n e exclai med deep repulsion ,

“
shadowi ng her eyes That barren airles s gl obe th at no
.
,
”
one ever v i sits ! E la i ne s da i nty disgust i s pardonable;
’

Far Rockaway out of season co uld not have been more

pai nfully vie ux jeu A few weeks nevertheless see the
.
, ,

littl e company snugly housed u nder the s u rface of T ycho

crater upon the moon where its number is swelled by th e
,

add ition of the i nfant Curt and Grag the robot who m ,

Roger and the Liv i ng Bra i n cons truct in thei r Spare time
of neuron s and nails and puppy do gs tails E ventually ’
.
,

—
still another fru i t of this in t ellectu al un i on Otho the ,

—
syntheti c android i s caperi ng abo u t the laboratory Just .

as Newton i s on the verge Of return i ng to earth u p turns ,

Public Bad Penny N O 1 Vi ctor Corvo and Slays him and

.
, ,

his wi fe W hen the Brai n assures him vengeance will be

.

swi ft Corvo hurls the taunt supreme at the preserv ed

,

“
scientist : Don t try to threaten me you m i serable bodi
’

less brain ! I ll soon Silence you He stops throwi ng h i s

’

weight around soon eno u gh when Grag and Otho b u rst

i n and directed by the Bra i n ru b him out effectively if
, , ,

none too ti dily .

 Dyi ng E la i ne Newton entru sts C urt to the care of th e
,

tri o i n a scene which must a ffect the sensi b iliti es of the

most call ous
T ell him to war always against those who w ould pervert
sc ienc e to si ni st er a mb it i on
”
w h ispered E l ai ne I w ill t ell
“
, .

him p romi sed the B rai n and in its toneless metalli c voice
”
, ,

was a queer catch .

The guardians justi fy E l ai ne s fa i th i n them to a de ’

gree ; by the time C u rt has attai ned his majority he i s one ,

lovely hunk of boy a hybrid of Leon ardo da Vinci and

,

Dink Stover From then on as Capta i n F u tu re Curt

.
, ,

ranges the solar system with his pals in an asteroidal super

sh ip the Co me t avenging h i s folks and relentlessly wag

, ,

“
i ng war on what the a u thor i s pl eas ed to call i nter
”
planetary cri me .

B u t to re tu rn to our muttons if so prosa i c a term can be ,

applied to the streamlined q uartet Speeding o u tward i nto .

Space toward JOVOpOliS chief E arthman colony on,

Jupiter Captain F u t u re pl u cks ha u nting m u s ic from his

,

twenty stri ng Venusian guitar while Grag and Otho tend

-

the controls and the Living Brain burrows i nto textbooks

for a cl u e to the atavi sm Th eir Snug K afl eek latsch is .

—
blasted when a p i rati cal black Space cr ui ser s u ddenly
lo oms across the Co m et s bows and attempts to amb u sh
’

the party but Curt s proton beams force the a ttacker

,
’

down on Callisto outermost of Jup i ter s four biggest

’

moons Th e boys warp i n alongside and Grag prepares

.

to ri p Open the jammed door O f the p i rate craft so his

master may q u estion the miscreants :
2 14
 Recoveri ng from this contretemps with his usual
sunny equanimi ty Curt hastens to the mans i on Of the
,

governor Sylvan u s Q u ale to reconnoitre Here he eu

, , .

c ounters the heart i nterest a p l ump little cabbage named

,

Joan Randall who is head nurse to the chief planeta ry

,

phys i cian Lucas Brewer a Sh i fty radi um magnate M ark

.
, ,

Cannig his m i ne superi ntendent and E ldred Kells the

, , ,

v i ce gov em or are also at the mans i on It is apparent at

-
, .

Once to the c ogn osce n ti that any one of these worthies is

th e Space E mperor and with no personal b i as other than

,

that his name had a parti cularly sneaky sound I put my ,

money on E l dred Kells F ifty pages l ater I was proved

.

right but not before I had been l ocke d i n an atavi sm ward

,

wi th Curt and Joan flung i nto a p i t by the green fl i pper

,

“ ”
men an d n ibbl ed by giant six foot rats cal l ed d iggers
,
-

a surpri si ngl y m ild name for a gi ant six foot rat by th e

( -
,

way ) But even such haz ards for all the i r jewell e d prose
.
, ,

c annot compare w i th the d escri pti on of the ma i n street

of Jungletown
Here were hu sky prospectors in s tained zipper suits fu rtive -
, ,

u nshaven Space bums b egging cool eyed interplanetary gam

-
,
-

b lers gau nt engi neers in high b oots with fl are p istols at their
,
-

b el ts b ronzed Space sailors up from JOVOpOlis for a carousal in

,
-

the wildes t new frontier town in the System -

.

An d so all too soon for both Joan Ran dall and mysel f
, ,
”
comes the hour of parting with the big red head as the -
,

author shaki ly describes Curt i n a fin al burst of emoti on .

In the nex t issue Capta i n F uture and h i s creepy c on

,
l

stab ular wil l doubtles s be summone d forth a ga i n to com

y
2 10
bat some h orror as yet to be devi sed M eanwh il e I l ike to
.

think Of h i s l ighthearted rebuke to Otho the and ro id al ,

ready chafing agai nst i n activi ty

Sooner or later, there ll b e another c al l from E arth, and
“ ’

then I hOpe there s action enough for you, you crazy coot
’ ”
.

T here may be another call C u rt but i t wo n t come

, ,
’

from Baby Right now all he wants i s a cup of hot m ilk and
.

fourteen hours of shut eye And i f it s all the same to

-
.
’

you he ll d o his sl eep ing wi th the lights on

,
’
.
 A D O R A B LE , TA X A B LE Y O U

Lo r d l ove you child I am only a l antern jawed

, ,
-

i ndivid u al wi th progressive myopia ca u sed by a tt empting

to cope wi th the c u rrent literary o u tput and I certainly ,

d on t want to u surp any reviewer s job in the Su nday

’ ’

bo ok section B u t when I see an a uthen t ic human doc u

.

ment go begging while M essrs Duffu s Adams and Jack .

,

whoop up the la t es t trilogy I could Spit Now listen

, .
,

to me V ardis Fisher and J u les Romains you st0p sulking

, ,

in that corner This is the l ast ti me Nanny ever takes y ou

.

to a party .

“
I f Income T ax by Dav i d Joseph C P A ( Authenti c
, , . . .

P u blications Co New York twen ty fiv e cents ) has re

.
, ,
-
,

c eiv e d less than cri t ical acclaim its fate a t the hands of ,

the cons u mer is m u ch more grati fying It w as selling l ike .

hot cakes the day I got my copy at a c u t rate drugstore ; in -

fact a stack of hot cakes nearby was entirely ign ored and
,

fast becoming cold cakes while customers fo u ght wi th

“
each o ther aro u nd a dwi ndling pile of M r Joseph s I n .
’

”
come T ax In a speculation worthy Of Daniel Drew I
.
,

finally sec u red one from an elderly party in bombazine

“ ”
by trading a two volume History Of Flagellation and
-

half a chocolate malted I still think I came off t op dog

.
,

—
and the feeling must have be en wide Spread for on lea m ,

i ng of the incident the eminent bibliophile Dr A S W

,
. . .

“
Rosenbach declared He came off top d og ,
.

It i s well to be forewarned tha t the general effect of

”
Income T ax is cl osely aki n to that of i nhaling dental
2 18
 de d u cti on of $40 for cost of substitute i n band Ap .

prai sing James services at five dollars an even ing ( prob

’

ably m u ch t oo high ) it is Obvio u s he was missing fro m

,

the aggregation eight times d u ring the past year Drunk ? .

. l ,
—
P ossi bly M ugg ed up more th an l ikely an impres si o n
irresistibl y borne o u t by the ded u cti ons i n Schedul e F
“ ” “
P or tfol i o stolen $ 35 and Fire loss ( n ot covered by in
,

s urance ) , Q u ite patien tly James ha d been smok

,

i ng a sti ck of tea i n some rib jo i nt and i n a b u rst of

g ene ros i ty pre s ented a tota l strange r with his portfo li o ,

w hich was fu ll of p i ano scores After wh i ch he promptl y

.

w ent home and set fire to h i s bed i f not h i s mother A .

bad l ot you may depend on i t and a c onstant so u rce of

, ,

agg ravation to some l ovely ol d wh i te haired booking -

agent .

The jo i nt retu rn fil ed by John an d Frances W edd a l so

reveals an existence at once h u mdrum and biz arre The .

i ncome of this apparently irreproachab le pai r was derived

from a vari ety of sources : John s Salary as a teacher a snug
’

li ttl e annu i ty several h u ndred Shares Of stock and oddly

, ,

enough a matter of
,
ri sing out of a busines s
known as Importers E xporters located at 2 E xport ,
.

Street New York It wo u ld seem from this hasty s u rvey

,
.

that John is that rare amalgam of dreamy pedagogue and

ruthless b u siness man in whose company it i s advisable
to keep yo u r wallet pinned inside yo u r Sh irt Th e nat ure .

o f the business transacted by John s firm is fa i rly Obscure

’
.

For a while I thought he might be selling Silver foxes

from u nmarked tru cks b u t sober reflec tion and a nat u
,

rally sens u al bias convinced me that he is engaged i n what

220
the L eagu e of Nations Committee euphemis tically refers
to as the So uth American export trade Th e concep t of a .

school teacher exp orting comely lassies to B u enos Aires is

undeniably romantic but what i s mean t by the ded u c ti on
,

“
on Line 6 of Sched ule D Clearances Charges and C ar
, ,
‘

bage ,
I t seems u n fai r I who lead a m u ch .
,

more upright li fe than John have never been allowed any

,

substan tial deducti on for garbage and even if the word ,

“ ”
Sh ould have been cartage that hardly alters the case
,
.

W hatever expenses John i nc u rs i n movi ng his yo u ng

wards are normal overhead and definitely a part of the
taxable total Not a very good exampl e to set our Latin
.

neighbors John yo u dirty chiseler yo u

, , , .

I expect to be acc u sed ofdis t o rtion and form ula ting t oo

facil e moral j u dgmen ts b u t the financial complexi ties of
,

the W edds are as no thing com pared to their home life .

Behind a fa cade of bo u rgeois domesticity there was en ~

acted i n 1 940 as feverish a scene as any Al fred Hitchcock
ever directed F or i n that year the W ed ds were domiciled
.

at 1 Su nse t Park i n Brooklyn Sharing their brick two

, ,

family ho u se wi th a t enant who paid them $ 9 00 i n rent .

Th e de tail i s i nsign i ficant u ntil in Sched ule C yo u en ,

-
f

Counter the chilling ded u c t ion Painting and dec ora t ing
tenant ,
E x traordinary things have been known to
“
take place i n Brooklyn as wi tness Arsenic and Old
,

Lace b u t I submi t that M r Karlo ff m u s t bend the knee

, . ,

to John and Frances W edd I t needs no l u rid i magina tio n

.

to envision the tablea u : the tenant powerless u nder th e ,

i nfl u ence of a mys t erio u s dru g p repared i n a basement

laborato ry by John W edd ; la u ghing Frances and mo re
22 1
seri o u s minded John f u ss i ng over thei r col or cards she
-

wi th her woman s i ns t inct for gay pl u m

, ,

’
age trying to per ,

s uade her h u sband to stipple the tenant twilight blue ; and ,

merely as an accent i n the darkened room the tenant s ,

’

eyeballs gleaming whitely i n his head .

Th i s i s pres u mably M r Joseph s first book an d i f he has

.
’

his fa ults so did Poe and Henry James His prose i s child
,
.

ish his grammar unspeakable and his point of view ma

, ,

terialistic but I loved every word even th e ones that made

, ,

me Sleepy Here i s a book for yo u ngsters from nine to

.

ninety for anybody who likes t o hold on to his money It

,
“
.

“
i s dedicated says a simple foreword to the p u rpose of
, ,

— —
giving the p ublic what i t needs when i t needs it in the
—
form i n which i t needs it and at a pri ce whi ch all can
”
a fford And wi th French vermo u th and nose candy sell
.

ing at their c u rrent quotati on s M r Jo seph you ve got the

, .
,
’

o nl y game i n town .
 —
v ices a man as sharp as a raz or as d ull as a hoe as clean , ,

as a whistle as tough as nails as white as snow as black as

, , ,

th e raven s wi ng as po or as Job a man up wi th the lark

’

, , ,

down on your toes and gone with the wi nd A man kind

, .

an d capti ons sweet and sour fat and thin tall and shor t
, , , ,

racked w i th fever plagued by the locust bese t by

, ,

w i tches hagridden cross grained fancy free a funlov ing

, ,
-
,
-
, ,

ad dl e pated dreamer v i s i onary and Slippered pan t aloon

-
, , .

Pi c ture to yo u rself such a man I say and you won t have

’

, ,

the fai ntes t concep t ion of Arthur Kober .

T o begi n wi th the author of Hav in g W ond erfu l Tim e

, ,

M y D ear B ella and Th un der O v er the B ro nx is only ,

eighteen i nches h igh He is very Sens i tive abo u t his

.

stature an d goes out on l y after dark and then armed ,

wi th a ti ny umbrell a wi th wh i ch he b eats Off cats who

try to attack h i m Not that he is anti patheti c to cats ;
.

far from i t He l oves tabb i es of all ki nds and has don e

.

everyth ing to encou rage a reciprocal feeling i n them (

,

even going so far as to roll i n catn i p n ightly but there is ,

some thing about Kober that just m akes cats nerves ti ngle ’
.

Since he i s unable to cli mb i nto his bed wh i ch i s at least ,

two feet taller than h i msel f he has been forced to Sleep ,

in the lowest drawer of a bureau Si nce ch il dhood and is ,

somewhat savage as a res ul t He i s meticul ously dress ed .

,

however and never goes abroa d wi thout his green cloth

,

gloves and neat nankeen breeches .

His age i s a matter of spec ulati on He cl a i ms to remem .

ber the Battle of the Bo yn e and on a fine n ight his pip ing
may be heard i n the glen h i s voice l ifted i n the stra i ns of
,

F or Sh e s M y M o lly O O f one th i ng we can b e sure ; he

’
-
.

224
was seen by unimpeachabl e wi tnesses at Austerl itz Jena , ,

and W agram where he made personal appearan ces

,

thro ugh the cou rt esy of his agent M il t on Fink Of the Fink
,

an d B iesmy er O ffice It is also fa i rly cer t ain tha t he first

.

conceived the idea of naming blucher shoes in honor of

the gruff M arshal a fter W aterloo That he inven t ed th e .

W elsbach man tle is not only i mprobable b ut downright

foolish Th e W elsbach mantle w as invented by T ed dy
.

W elsbach and there are plenty of the old Chalkst one

,

Aven u e gang left t o prove it .

W hat I like most about Kober i s his mouth a jagged ,

magenta wound etched agai nst the un forge ttabl e blank

ness of his face It i s a bright flag of s u rrender a dental
.
,

challenge I love his s u dden i mpish smile the twi nkle of

.
,

his alert green eyes and the pri nt of his cloven foot in the
,

Shr ub bery I love the c u rly brown locks cascading down

.

his receding forehead ; I love the M en d elian characteristi cs

he has inheri t ed from his father M endel ; I love the wind
in the willows the b oy in the b u sh and the Seven against
, ,

Thebe s I love co ffee I love tea I love the girls and th e

.
, , ,

girls love me And I m go i ng to be a civil engi neer wh en

.
’

I grow up no ma tter what M amma says

, .

At first blush one is incl i ned to wonder at the weddi ng

of this s t range t alent wi th that of M arc Connelly whose ,

producti on and direc tion of H av i ng W on derful Time

made his name a ho u sehold word from M cK eeSport ,

Pennsylvania to the Shanghai B u nd Connelly the gru ff

, .
, ,

brown faced Old sal t who serv ed u nder T each Lafi tte
-
, ,

Flin t ( ay Flint there was the flower of the flock was

, , ,

Flin t ) and every notable buccaneer who ever careened his

r akish black cra ft al ong the Caribbean ; Connelly known ,

ab oard all the pearling l u ggers o ut O f T hursday Island w i th

a cargo of shell ; Connelly the mere menti on of whom ,

—
w o u ld s t rike terror i nto the denizens of boozing kens i n
P aramaribo and Shebeens i n Bel fast ; Connelly with his ,

b lack varnishe d straw hat an d parrot on his Sho ul der ,

ready to swarm u p the mizzen at the first shrill of th e

bos n s fife; a powder monkey u nder Nelson gu nners
’ ’
-
,
’

mate u nder Klaw and E rlanger and s u percargo under the ,

Sh ub er t s Lingering over yo u r gin p ahit on the porc h of

.
,

Sh eph eard s Hotel i n Cairo yo u will be told that if you

’

remain there l ong eno ugh W illie M a u gham M arc Con ,

nelly and littl e black Specks will pass before yo u r eyes It

,
.

i s no i dle boast .

How then did Arth u r Kober and M arc Connelly meet

, ,

and conceive the i dea of H av i n g W o n d erfu l Tim e ? Yo u

m u st see i n yo u r mind s eye a tiny village i n the Swiss

’

Alps The ti nkle of bells i n the distance heralds a herd of

.

grazing cows and prom i ses i nn u merable cakes of Peter s ’

M ilk Chocol ate ; nea rby a Smiling peasant who l ooks like
the tyrant Gessler Sh u cks al monds for the too thsome
candy bars Across yonder snow capped peaks Hanni b al
-
.
-

led h i s swayi ng elephants i nto C i salp i ne Gaul The s ta tion .

platform deserted un til now s u ddenly becomes the scene

, ,

of an al tercation At the railway bookstall Kober dressed

.
, ,

i n h i s favorite cost u me a gu nny sack an d a pair of T hom

,

M cAn Shoes i s glari ng at the attendant who has just ac

, ,

c used h i m of stea li ng a banana Kober s Italian i s i mper

’
.

fect his F rench i s as faul ty as his German and h i s E nglish

, ,

i s no barga i n ei ther Hal ti ngl y he begi ns to explai n to the

.

22 0
iz ed that I wo uld have to qu i et thi s extraordinary i ndi
”
vid u al even at the cost of prod u cing his play And b efore
, .

he kn ew it Connelly who ha t es a scene had sec ured a

, , ,

signatu re on a min i m u m bas i c contract from Kober wh o ,

l oves a scene Th e effect was more soo thing than ev en

.

Connelly had dreamed At Onc e fun and jolli ty re igned .

s u preme Kobe r strummed a lively air on his bal al aika

.
,
“ ”
c ocoa and hot wieners were the order of the day and ,

Connelly always i rrepressibl e found a false nose in his

, ,

lu ggage and gave an im i tation of Jimmy D u rante Not to .

b e o ut done J i mmy Durante who had j u st stepped off the

, ,

Orient E xpress found a fal se nose and gave an i mitation

,

of M arc Connel l y And late that n i ght the deal w as con

.

su mmated on the exch ange of five h u ndred Confederate

dollars w h i ch the pa i r joki ngl y pretende d was rea l cur

,

tency .

Su ch w as the ir buoyancy that i t was first proposed to

li mit adm iss i on to H av in g W on d erful Time to ten pins
or whatever vegetables the patrons could muckl e fro m

their parents kitchens ; b u t on reconsideration Connel l y

’

deci ded that i t woul d only confu se the ticket s peculato rs ,

and they m ight as well adhere to the c u stomary toll

charges W i th th i s po i nt of v i ew Kober qu i ckl y fell i n ;
.

Connelly tumbl ed i n bes i de h i m and soon the twa i n , ,

deep i n their feather bed were snori ng away as pl easant ,

as you pl ease .

Rehearsal s of the play were unique i n theatri cal annal s

i n several respe cts W hen M arc Connelly i s directi ng he
.
,

i ns i sts that all the seats be removed from the theatre an d

228
 “
be replaced by horsehai r l o u nges The Romans h e .
,
“
—
argues reclined at table Petroni u s will vo u ch for that
, ,

as well as some other pretty interesting things Wh y not .

recline at the theater? You say the audi ence will not 3 0
”
cept the i d ea ? Here he gives a typically Gall ic sh rug of
“
the sho ulders and smil es disarmingly Th ere are more .

”
ways to catch a finch than by putting sal t on its tail As a .

result H av in g W on d erful Time offere d an a ddi ti onal

,

service to playgoe rs Between the acts hundreds of fi nches

.
,

were relea sed i n the smoking lounge and the customers

were shown numerous i ngenious ways of catching them .

W hen I pointed out to Kober the fact that th i s bore no

direct connec tion wi th his pl ay a picture of l ife i n a sum
,

mer camp he gave me a typically Gall i c shrug of the shoul

,

“ ”
ders After all he observed tri mm i ng a goose quill with
.
, ,
-

“
which to ti ckle the leading l ady you can t gi ve them ,
’

ev ery thing W e don t pretend we re Chu Ch i n Chow

’ ’ ‘ ’
. .

And he accepted a pinch from my sn u ff bo x and sprinkled -

i t on the tail of a passing finch wi th a caval i er gesture .

“ ”
Pic tu res ? repl ied both Connelly and Kober when I ,

asked them abo u t the future of films a med i um which ,

both have stu die d at cl ose range W e don t th i nk so .

“ ’
.

You ll never get peop l e i nto those drafty darkened stores

’

to l ook at images fl i ckeri ng over a Sheet You see mon .

,
‘

v i e ux it s artificial Oh yes we ve heard that a man s

’ ’ ’

, .
,

prod u ced The Great K A T rain R ob bery but it ll

. .
,
’

never catch on P assing fad an d all that sort of thi ng you

.
,

”
know Give u s the theater every ti me And an other thing
. . .

“
I waited attentively my penc il pois ed Didn t w e tell y ou
’

, .

”
to get the hell o u t of thi s theater a half an h our ago?
 T hey accompan i ed me as far as the door their hands ,

res ting paternally on my Sho ul der and collar lest I wriggl e

free of their grasp I recovered my footing and dusted my
.

self havi ng i nadvertently tripped over a jardi ni ere crossing

,

the lobby Already the lights were soft moons in the

.

streets I turned back to look at them as they stood framed

.

against the ticket window the bulbs on the marquee wi nk

,

ing Hav ing W on d erful Time as energetically as if the cur

rent had been pa i d for Th ey held up their hands shaki ng
.
,

thei r fists playfully at me in farewell W i th a tug at my .

heart and an extra one at my trousers I crept down Forty ,

fifth Street munching an apple I had stolen from a fru i t

,

vendor and ponderi ng the mystery and the glamor of the

,

theater .

2 . V I N CE N T E M IN N ELL I

One sweltering summer s day a d o z en yea rs ago I ha d

’

dropped i nto the main reading room of the New York -

P ublic Libra ry I was deep in B ulfinch s Age of Fa b le b u s

.
’

ily shading the ill ustrati ons of Greek and Roman divin i
ties with a hard pencil and getting some truly Splendid
effects when I became aware that a strange i ndivid u al
,

had entered the room He was apparently a foreigner for

.
,
“
h e bore i n his lapel a green immigrant tag reading E llis
—
Island R ush H i s cl othes were flapp i ng hand me downs
.
- -

greasy wi th travel and altoge ther he was as extraordinary

, ,

an unh u ng horse th i ef as you wo uld enco u nter outside a

-

g ypsy encampment Be fore him this

. fantastic creature
p ropelled an anc i ent b urdy gurdy and as he ground
-
out ,

a wheezy catchpenny tune made a rap i d c i rcu i t of the

,

28 0
of r i sking his cowardly hide natu rally kept him from par
tic ipating i n a really dangero u s caper .

In ti me I b egan to feel a c u rious a ffection for this cheer

ful vagab ond p ossibly beca u se he had never drawn a
,

knife on me Aft er the Six months he spent in the work

.

house for Suspected arson I was almost glad to see him ,

ag a i n T o my surprise I fo u nd that he had gone into a n ew

.

business Somewhere he had picked up the stu b of a pencil

.

and a sq uare of Bri sto l b oard Th e u ltimate result som e .

,

years later was a Show called Life B egins at

,

The pol i ce d os s i er on th i s curio u s starveling is li mited

un fortunately to th e record of several shabby misde
meanors such as his pathetic at t empt to palm Off a papier
,

maché goose on a poultryman T his exploit would never .

have entangled h i m with the law had it not be en for a t e

mark of the poul tryman D ye see any green in my eye ?
“ ’ ”
.

he demand ed scom fully fli nging the goose at M innelli s

,
’

“ ”
head Yes replied the c ulpri t tru thfully for it SO hap
.
, ,

e ned that M innelli whose color sense even then w as

p ,

unerri ng detected green in his eye T h e ens u ing fracas

, .

saw several pates broken under the quarterstaff Of the

churl i sh poultryman and M innelli was dragged off in
,

g lori ously to be booked It is a l most u. nnecessary to not e

that he made his escape from prison by h i s usual metho d

of having a rope p i e smuggled in to him
Th at I Sho u ld have mistaken him for a foreigner on
first seeing him is hard to reconcile wi th the fact that he
i s a M iddle W esterner and had never been cast of Chicago
-

or worn hoes r that mat t er u p t o his a rrival in New

( S fo )
,

a k in 1 9 2 8 His l ove for bizarre dress i s a byword E ven

. .

23 2
today wi th any n u mber of Broadway Shows behind him
, ,

he is Spending next year s royalties on fl owered s u rto uts

’

and sword canes I t is nothing to see M innelli parading

.

down Broadway of an a ft ernoon dressed as Cameo Kirby ,

co mple t e wi th Silk tile r uffl es a t his wrists and derringer

, ,

up his Sleeve T hat s u rly ru fli an in black neckcl oth wi th

.

the craven dog a t his heels who ru dely elbows you aside
as yo u enter Lindy s i s less apt to be Bill Sykes than
’

Vincen t e M innelli abou t to commit mayhem on a

,

M aa t jes herring .

Th e biographer of his early years i s hard p u t to Sift fact

from legend He was born in Delaware Ohio in 1 90 6
.
, , ,

b u t was implicated almost i mmediately in a shady episod e

revolving around a p i ece of zwieback and had to l eave ,

town at the age of one At s ixteen Vincente his bloo d.

,

fired by reports that Ch i cagoans were dancing the maxixe

and the bunny hug set out to see for hims elf Chicago
-
, .

was then a raw frontier town filled wi th prospe ctors an d

desperadoes like W alter Huston shooting at Ga ry COOper
through saloon do ors AS M innelli walked down the main
.

str eet his bandanna handkerch i ef ti ed t o a peel ed stick

,

over his shoulder munching a rol l and whistl i ng The

,

L ob ster I s the W i se Guy After All his eyes were lik e , ,

saucers L ittle did he dream that one day he was to di s

.

cover the secret Of electricity and represent his country

at the Court of St James Accosti ng a gam i n whose di rty
. .

bu t h u moro u s shoe box marked him to be a bootblack

-
,

Vincen t e inq u ired politely where he might find lodg ings

for the nigh t .

“
Have yez any stamps ? i nquired th is personage .
 Stamps ? asked Vincent e b ewildered .

”
H u lly chee ! re t orted the wai f impa t ien tly Kale .

rhino — Spond u licks — the long green ! W h a t s a ma tt er ’

”
have y ez ba t s in yer bel fry?
Th e in t e rcession of honest old Bridget the apple ,

woman of T rini ty whose name was a synonym for na u sea

,

i n those pa rts set the con fused yo u ng traveler on the right

,

p ath .He had barely t u rned the corner when a r u naway

horse dragging a s u rrey con t aining a richly dressed yo u ng
,

lady dashed in t o View A fter some Spec ulation about the

, .

proba ble reward Vincente th rew himsel f at the fo aming

,

s t eed and was promp tly trampled down He Spen t seve ral .

days moodily n u rsing his ribs and finally driven to want ,

b y the scan ty oppor tu ni t ie s facing an u n t rained second

s to ry worker decided to humiliate himsel f and take a jo b
,
.

AS pho t ographer s h elper in a thea t rical photo s tu dio

’

th e yo u ng man co ncluded tha t the mo th eaten cos t umes -

in which he pos ed v ario u s ac t ors and ac t resses we re a t ro

cio ns and he promptly s tart ed ske tching His employer s
,
.
’

eyes still twi nkle at the memory of one of these drawings ,

a Sketch of th e l ocation of the O f fi ce sa fe which Vincen t e ,

had neglig ently le ft in his smock Soon a fter the yo uth fu l.

,

draugh tsm an decided on a bold stroke He went to the .

O ff ice s of Balaban Katz whose name had alw ays ha u n t ed

,
f

him w i th its s u ggestion of a roll on the ke ttle dru ms an d -

,

suggested the i dea O f all ow i n him t o design new cos

g
tu m es ra ther than ren t ing old ones Balaban Ka tz at
.

th at time were the larges t producers of s tage Shows for

pic tu re ho u ses in the region and they were thunders t ruck
,

at his a u dacity .

234
harry for Grace M oore would probably nev er come to him
tw ice i n h i s li fe and he decided to accep t For the next
, .

four years he evolved a stage show a we ek for the M us i c

,

Hall and then bored wi th idleness design ed the setti ngs

, , ,

for Life B egins at At H o me Ab road The Z iegfeld ,

Fo llies an d The Sho w I s O n Th e l atter attracted the at

t ention of a li ttl e coal iti on of drea m
, .

ers and v isionane s

named Paramount P ictures and today M i nnell i is one of ,

Hollywood s most promis ing yo u ng di rectors

’
.

T here i s a sayi ng i n Hollywood that wh en V incente

M innelli is worki ng on a pict u re you ha d better h i de the
women and ch ildren in the cellar and stay i n bed with
“ ”
yo u r hat on Th e Oh i o Cycl one as he is never called
.
, ,

o b serv es a rigi d routi ne On ri si ng he scrubs h i s face

.
,

free of the India ink Ch i nese wh i te and water col or, ,

of the day before Then he chops up a few blotters

.

and roll s them between h i s fingers till th ey disappear .

Now he i s ready for his m ilk bath The huge black .

ba thtub of vitreous m ilk chocolate h i s most cherished -

,

possess i on is filled wi th th i rty gallons of steam ing

,

Grade A As he l olls b ack i n the tub M innelli s

.
,
’

mind becomes a beeh ive of i deas Several efficient secre .

tari es who work for noth i ng merel y to be near h i m

, ,

take down the aci d retorts th u mbnail vignettes p i thy , ,

saws and bi ti ng sarcasms which fal l from h i s lip s These

,
.

b y products are relayed to a co rps of typ i sts who bind

-

and sh i p them to a firm of publishers who in turn bind ,

and sh i p them back M eanwhile M innelli busies h i mself

.

making toy boats of the letters he receives from femin ine

23 6
admi rers and sends them sailing away on a puff of fra «

grant T urki sh If a letter from some patheti c l i ttl e seam

.

s tress or love s tarved housewife should happen to i n t rigu e

-

him he has one of the secretarie s send her a photograph

,

of himsel f in a characteristic pose However what w i th

the P ost Office Department s co m

.
,

’
pla i nts the photo
,

graphs have fallen off to a m i ni mum l atel y And so the .

days go by and before you know i t there are the twenty

, ,

four sheets adverti s i ng a new movi e directed b y Vincente

Of his private l i fe I know very li ttl e I un d erstand tha t

, .

he has become immensely wealthy i nord i nately sought

,

after and unbel i evably unaffected I count my spoons an d

, .

my s i sters every time he leaves my house He has never.

once o f fered to repay me for my German s il ver watch fob -

.

But the first ti me I saw the settings and costumes he did

for The Steamboat W histl e in At H om e Ab road I
“ ”
,

k new that all accounts were sq u ared between I ow e

that b oy plen ty .
 A V O CA D O ,
O R T H E FUTUR E O F E A TI N G
( N ote fo un d in an emp ty stomach ofl San ta ‘

B ar b ara)

0 11 0 day not l ong ago i n Los Angeles I found

myself b anderillas i n hand facing the horns of a dilemma
, ,
.

I had gone in t o a Corn E xchange bank to exchange some

corn and had fallen into conversation wi th the manager .

He was very a ffable and insisted I i nspect the asse ts of

the branch which i ncl u ded among other th i ngs the t ee th
, , ,

Bryant W ash bu rn had u se d i n his film career Iss u in g .

i n t o the hot s u nlight of the street I was d ismayed to find

,

that i t was ti me for lu nch and s i nce I ha d forgo tt en to

,

bri ng along a bag of pemm ican I woul d have to eat in

,

—
L os Angeles a fai rly exact de fi ni tion of the term the “

”
kiss of death I l ooked a ro u nd me On my left I
. .

co uld obtain a duplexb urg er and a Giant M al t ed M ilk

T oo T hick F or a Straw; on my right the feat u re w as
barbec u e d pork fritters and orangeade Unnerved I .
,

stopped a passing s treet Arab and co u rt eo u sly in q

where I m ight find a cheap b u t clean ea ting ho u se .

the Fiddler ( for i t w as he ) directed my steps to a

“ ”
macy bea ring the l egend Best Dru g Stores Inc , .

for the record I dined off an avocado sandwi ch

,

whea t and a l i me rickey and fl u nked my basal m

,
-

tes t la t er that afternoon I don t pretend to

.
’

management for my phys i cal shor tcomings ; all I

them to do i s l a u gh off their menu a copy of wh ,

seem to have before me .

“
In general Soda Fountain Su ggestions ( Best
,

23 8
wi th any such tinsel as the ice creams contain no fill ers ‘ ’

( starch alb
,
u men One thing
,
I ll have in my i ce ’

c ream or it s no d i ce
’
— and that s fillers I don t even insist
’
.
’

on ice cream as long as I can stuff myself with fillers .

You heap my plate wi th a l b u m en and starch ( any kind ,

even laundry starch ) and stand clear Call me a pigg y if .

you want to b u t I j u st can t get en ough of that s tarch

,
’
.

Q ui te honestly yo u r statement that the syru ps are

,

”
made from cane s u gar and real fru its s u rp rised me I f .

that s a boast I m u st say it s a pretty hollow one It might

’ ’
.
,

i nterest you to know that bac k i n 1 9 1 7 the Allied High

C ommand speci fied b ee t s ugar and fals e fru its in all syr
ups purchased by its commissary depart ment Didn t .
’

know that did you ? Probably too b u sy evading the draft

,

at the time W ell you j u st ask any bioch emist his recom
.
,

mendation on sugars as I did recently ; yo u ll get the

’

same terse answer : beet s u gar and false fr u its I have th i s .

—
co u sin of m i ne who i s a perfect wiz at chemistry really
astonish ing marks for a boy of nineteen in high school
and n o matter what you ask him he ll give you the same
’

answer : beet s u gar and fal se fru i ts Frankly the family s .

,
’

ge tting a little worried about i t ; they have t o keep Benny

cha i ned to a ring in the floor most of the time .

F u rthermore it s useless to try to creep into my heart

,
’

th any blandishments like the coffee i s a Spec i al blend

made the modern Silex way with a specially filtered
water Filtering L os Angeles water robs i t of its many
.

no u rishing i ngredien ts not the least of which is chow

,

mei n It i s an interes ting fact known to anybody who has

.
,

ever be en interned i n that c i ty or i ts suburbs that the ,

2 40
wa t er possesses a rich content of subgu m almond ch ow
mei n Can t onese s tyle and one or two cases have even
, ,

been repo rted where traces of pean u t candy and lichee

n uts were fo u nd The assertion of a friend of mine tha t
.

he once saw an Irish h ou seboy come o ut of a wa t er fa u ce t ,

of co u rse m u st be regarded as apocryphal Th e Irish are

,
.

a wi ry li ttle people but they are not as wi ry as al l that

,
.

—
Nor are they ready as yet for the sel f government which
my distingu ished Opponen ts the gen tlemen of the affirm
,

ative claim they should have And so honorable j u dges

, .
,

and ladies and gentlemen we of the nega tive concl u de

,

that the Irish sho uld not be given their i ndependenc e

beca u se ( 1 ) we need them for a coaling stati on ( 2 ) ,

there i s a high percentage of illi teracy and ( 3) if we do

, .
,

—
Ireland will soon be snatching up Guam or chewmg “

”
G uam so to s peak I thank you
, . .
 YO U S H O U L D L I V E S O ,
WA LD EN P ON D

Up t h e rolli ng ri dge of Giggl es H ill a m il e ‘

back from the Pennsylvan ia bank of the Delaware River ,

stands a modest stone ho u se pret ty m u ch as i t stood ,

d u ring the last cen tu ry I t i s approached thro ugh a ma

.

je s tic aven u e o f la rge yellow signboards placed there at ,

r u ino u s expense and wi th no conviction wha t ever that he

who r u ns will read Begi nning gen tly eno u gh with the
.

s ilky admoni tion Fortified Area Sta — y O ff the tone ,

”

“
Changes abr u ptly to a Sinister Comm u nicable Diseases
P roceed at Yo u r Own Risk Sho u ld th i s prove inade
.

q u ate and it always does the next tw o hundred feet are

, ,

devoted to some choice billingsgate c ulled from Restora

ti on plays calc ulated to make a m ule skinner fl u sh to the
,

roots of his hair Un fortu nately since very few mule s ki n

.
,

ners pass that way and those mostly bald the e ffect is
, ,

negligible and by the ti me yo u top the ri se beyond the

,

persimmon trees the Signs culminate on a note of sheer

,

—
hopelessness in a pair of 2 4Shee t billboards reading
”
Coun try Li fe : A M ockery and Solit u d e M y Foot
” “
,
.

Nat u rally eno u gh I have been called every thing fro m

an old crosspa tch to a modern T imo thy Dext er of New
b u ry port Indeed whenever I drive my gig i nto the co u n ty
.
,

seat for a po u nd of wire b rads of which I am i no rdinately

,

fond a tr0 0p of small boys invaria b ly forms a t my heels

,

“
with ta u n t s of Oh yo u modern T imo thy Dext er of New
,

b ury port ! So if I t ake the s t and now in my own de fense ,

1t rs on l y beca u se T ho rea u has had it long enough P rivacy .

2 42
gri n on his face as tho u gh but ter wo ul dn t melt i n h i s
,
’

mo u th ( he has even held u p l u mps of u nmel t ed b ut ter

to me on occasion ) and the yo u ng mas t er swaying agains t
,

the window eyes closed and fore fi nger t o t emple in an

,

atti tu de of profo u nd c oncentra tion In th e end I give the .

fellow carte blanche and reel back t o my cri b only t o dis ,

cover later on arising again that he has chopped down

, ,

all the Chi n ese elms I planted las t fall W h o pays th e .

man to do this type of work I have no i dea unless it can ,

b e the W ar O ffi ce in T oki o .

Hardly am I back i n the T aj M ahal surrounded b v ,

M adelei ne Carroll and five hundred million billion trillion

dollars when the masons carpenters and assorted tech
, ,

nic ians arrive min u s tools but wi th plenty of n oisemakers

,

and con fetti After a brief warmup wh i ch i ncl udes morris

.
,

dancing on the green and feats of strength one of their ,

number who is either eigh t een feet high or uses a l a d

,

der l eans i n at my wi ndow for a series of those highly com

,

plex q u estions you love to wake u p to : Hey M ister does , ,

”
the b u shing fit over or under the flange on the cam ? or
“
Shall we put the di fferential on the ho u sing or white
lead the gaskets ? You haven t got a pound of Si xpenny
’

”
na ils in there have you ? Ign oring with considerable
,

hauteur the i mpl i cation that I am the so rt of man who

sl eeps with Sixpenny nail s I now rise and stand up i n a
,

cl o thes closet until ti me for breakfast .

Belowstairs prepara tions have gone forward bri skly to

,

welcome the laird to his morning meal Compared to my .

dining room the floor of the Stock E xchange is a cl oi s

,
“
tered del l Th e family motto seems to be L et s tell him
’
.

2 44
now he ll only find out anyway B ubbling wi th infec
,
’
.

ti ous la ughter the sta ff gree ts me with the news that the
,

ho t wa ter system has gone to hell and rabbits have b een

-

at the lett u ce G ramps a lovable old white haired cha rac

.
,
-

ter who fo u ght with M eade at Shiloh — h e and M eade j u st

—
never got along has been u p since Six making his u s u al ,

inspection of the premises and things look pret ty black , .

A large bird co u sin to the giant condor of the Andes has

, ,

mys t erio u sly wedged i tsel f into the ch imney d u ring the
night ; it might be cheaper to tear down the whole kitchen
wing while we re abo u t it None of the lespedeza he
’
.

plan t ed yesterday i s up yet and the old gentleman ,

Sho u ldn t wonder if they sold him l ast year s seed W ith
’ ’
.

the orange ]tl l C€ and co ffee scarcely more than a hot ball
in my throa t i ns tant decisions are now i n o rder regarding
,

the dinner men u W h at abo u t roast beef hash with gravy

.
-

and browned po ta toes ? Or a few salmon croqu et tes fol

lowed by boiled beef with horseradish and capers ? Yes ,

but don t p ut so m u ch flo u r in the sa u ce W ell yo u try

’
.
,

an d cook wi th tha t oven Nothing wrong wi th th e oven ; .

we j u s t bo ught i t Nothing wrong with the oven ? D idn t

.
’

w e tell you? Th i s morn i ng ]l l St as Freda went to light the,

b u rner .

8 3 ROL L I N G u i ACRE S—
nt ol d st one l et el —
house com
Q a p y
rest ored — summer kit ch e n , gu est h ou se — h istori c mapl e shad e
—orchard never fail ing creek, artesian w ell— 30 acres in t imb er
,
-

—hu e bank barn stabl in 2 1 h ead— oul try h ouses, ara e

g g p g g ,

—
workshop, all farm impl ements ow ner w ill exchange for
6 i y b v h fl — m u t h i h ft d
9X c t ap t a o e 1
5t . s av e a r s a an .n o
—
view a ly i mmed iat ely
pp .
 S WI N G o u r ,
S WEE T CHA R I OT

A fe w days ago I happene d i nto my news

dealer s for ten cents worth of licorice whips and the
’ ’

aut u mn i ss u e of Sp in drift a ra ther advanced q u ar t erly re

,

view i n which I had been followi ng an exciting serial

called M ystici sm i n the Rationalist Cosmogony or j ohn
“
,
”
Dewey Rides Agai n In the previo u s number the cattle
.
,

rustlers ( post Hegelian dogma ) had trapped Pro fessor

-

Dewey i n an abandoned mine Sha ft ( Jamesian pragma

tism ) and had i gnited the fu se leading to a keg of dyna
mite ( neo Newtonian empiricism ) Nat u rally I was sim
-
.
,

meri ng with i mpatience to learn how the M orningside

Kid wo uld escape from this fix and I los t no time getting ,

back to my rooms i n the M i d dle T emple and stu ffing my

crus ty old brier wi th shag Th e gest u re t u rned ou t to be
.

s i ngularly appropriate for I shortly discovered that my

,

n ewsdealer had made a m is take i n his excitement an d

that I would have to Spend the even i ng wi th a journal

called The Ii tterb ug .

Th e Iitterb ug i s a febri le paper publ i she d b i month l y

by the L ex P ublications Inc of 38 1 Fo u rth Avenue de
,
.
, ,

voted to the activiti es of all igators h epcats and exaltés ,

of swing everywhere T hese activities wh ich consist i n

.
,

h u rl ing one another vi ol ently about to popul ar m u s i c ,

ri ding astride one another and generally casting o u t devils

, ,

are portrayed i n ten or fi fteen pages of photographs and

cartoons that need no explanati on W hat will bear a lit tle .

ex eges i s however i s the text of the half dozen Shor t

, ,
-

2 413
the white oval of her face Those sultry lips of hers were red
.

and gl ist e n ing u n d er th e li gh t s an d h er gray eyes Spark l ed

,

like hot rhythm D ebby s fi gure w as never anything to b e

.
’

m issed b ut in the tw o years si nc e I d seen h er several d e

’

, ,

lectab le c urves I rememb ered had ripened And the d ress She .

w as w earing w asn t cal cul at ed to hi d e that fac t I ts full ch iffon

’
.

skirt tan tal iz ed by its seemi ng t ran sparen cy and i t cl Ung to ,

the soft rou nd ness of her hips w ith l oving cl oseness T he w aist .

w as high and t igh t an d ab ove that rose tw o sh i el d s th at

,

fitted snugly over the proud mou nds of her swelling b reasts .

In fine a Schrafft s L uxuro i ce cream s u ndae come to li fe;

,
’
-

and as though I were not overhea t ed eno u gh already the

, ,

author has to pile Pelion on Ossa by telling me this glorr

ous blob of girlhood was ed u ca t ed at Bennington Look .
,

d ear I woul dn t care i f she had quit school i n the sixth

,
’

grade .

The pl ots of the short stori es i n my copy of j i tt er b u g

are fairly basic : Scob o q u een meets hep cat they find mu -
,

—
t ual release i n barrelhouse or g u t b u cket and even tu ally , ,

on th e wi nsome revelat i on that one or the other is heir t o

half a million rugs shag peck and paw their way t o the
, , ,

“ ”
al tar j az z Bea u may serve as a cli nical example A
. .

yo u ng l ady describing herself as a T axi T essie or w nggle -

wren empl oyed at the Roselane Ballroom i s l ured into

a Broadway mov i e theatre by the harmon i es of one B i ggie

Barnett and h i s ban d

I heard the w ail of a w ah wah pump the staccatoed stutter

-
,

of ski ns M y heart b egan to thu mp and sw ell w ith th e

.

fever of rhythm I g iggled out lou d Crazily I slid to a st0p at

. .
,

the aisle in the theatre proper scanned the seats Full I fel t
, ,
. .

my b reasts tremor a ngrily .

2 48
T his mysterio u s physiological reac tion no do ub t experi ,
'

en c e d b y every woman a t the sigh t of an S R O Sign . . .

,

yields t o a s ta t e bordering on epileps y when the band

really star t s giving :

I began to sway in my seat M y lashes fluttered M y head. .

bobb ed in time w ith the red hot ride rhythm j ittersauce began .

to bu rn up my bl oodstream .

At this po i nt as the c ogn oscen ti begi n stompi ng an d

,

tru cking freely abo ut in a d elin um of pleas u re the s u r ,

realist owner of the M ack T ru ck sho ulders grinning ,

mouth and wild fl ame bl u e eyes enters the proc eedings :

,
-

L ook ee, the b i u

gg y w i ered I v e got to get out in that
h sp ,
“ ’

a sl e
i i
and w h p my d ogs ! D o w eteam up? A b ig gazabo like me
is g onna look aw fully Silly getti ng off a sol o!
”

Hesitati ng a Spl it second lest her s uppl iant tu rn e ut to be

a geep or wolf M iss P rim surrenders to h i s em oti onal
, ,

plea and joins the gavotte :

W hile those t
the stage clamb aked l ik e nobody
ca s up on
’

b usmess my part ner and I really cut that rug

,
All I was .

c onsciou s of w as th e d rivi ng sync o at i on an d li ft of a on

p g y
i
pp es t,he noodli ng of the b rass sec ti on as barrelh ou se bl asts ,

whipped my sl end er l eg s an d w eavi n g hips i nt o a rhyth mi c

frenzy W e d id the Suzy Q We shagged and peek ed
.
-
. .

H i s appetit e whetted by this preli m i nary w orkout ,

Cal declares his intention of making a nigh t of it M y .

“

so x are hell hot and I ve got to hop till I wear hol es i n

-
’

my soles to cool them off he avers and his escort whose

, , ,
dispos i ti on i s no l ess elasti c than her frame readil y assents , .

“
W e stru tted an d st u ffed to b u rning boogie woogi e -
,

”
s tayed i n the groove u ntil we were both beat righ t down ,

she whispers shyly to her diary There u pon i n a passage .

,

as salty as any you wi ll find i n the Kamas u tra the gym ,

nasts take leave of each other until the foll owi ng evening ,

“
when Cal came swaggeri ng in to Roselane looking like
a color page from E s quire M aybe the engraver s han d
-
.
” ’

s l ipped b u t the l ast color page from E s quire I saw w as

,
-

slightly off register and showed a j u nior exec uti ve wi th a

—
flesh colore d s ui t and a pale bl u e herringbone face Had
-
.

Cal worn someth i ng of the sort however he could hardly , ,

have caused a greater sensation In a trice the other host .

s

e sses cl u ster excitedly about his aff i ni ty asking whether ,

Sh e knows Cal s father i s a millionaire motor magnate

’

i n De troit T he little lady l oves Cal for h i s floy floy alone

.
,

and her disillusion and heartbreak are s u ch that she is

“
almost thirty secon d s recovering from the shock Yo u .

d on t think of those things when yo u re with a guy who s

’ ’ ’

Slowly dr i ving you S

”
crewball wi th love she observes wi th,

i cy disdain P erhaps not p u ss but i t certa i nly wo uldn t

.
, ,
’

do any harm to l ook the old gent up i n D u n Bradstreet

now wo ul d it? I mean just for the heck of i t
,
.

F ollows an i nterval of courtsh ip i n wh i ch fanned by ,

love and j ive Cal s pass i on mo u nts to a crescendo He

,
’
.

becomes a nightly vis itor to Roselane buyi ng rolls of ,

”
d ance tickets an d payi ng o u t a small fort u ne ( probably
u pward of three dol l ars i n a Singl e evening ) to keep ofl

p oachers A drunken geep who engages our miss i n the

.

“
P ortland fancy finds himself bounced off two walls after
25 0
 S E CO N D CLA
- SS M A TTE R

Wh a t has gone before : P o ultney Groin dis ,

—
ill u sioned and middle aged playboy mem b er of M anhat ,
“
tan s u pper cr u st tires of Simone D rav nik bea ut eo u s
’

, ,

model whom he has been p ro t ec ting W omanlike s tu ng .

,

to the q u ick she s tares i n to her hand mirror in her lavishly

,
-

appoin t ed apar tment on Park Aven u e and asks hersel f the

age old qu estion ; Finishe d yo ur dinn er ? N ow it s acid s
-
’ ’

tu rn to din e ! Th ese sm a ll cav i ti es fille d w i th d eco mpose d

food morsels rapi dly ha tch b ac teria I n a few h o u rs yo u r .

formerly h eal thy sys tem is a mas s of p u trefac tio n Ask .

D r Fri tz P T an zpalas t of th e G erman Dea c o n es s H os

. .

pital in Chicago Or ask M r Fred Dahlgren of N orfo lk

. .
,

Virginia D og mah ca ts fo lk s jes giv e me mah spoo n v i t

’
.
, ,

tles mah sid e m eat an yams an dat lit tle blu e tin of
’ ’
-
, ,

E dgew or th Sho sho Down the d u sty Chisho l m trail into

, .

Abil ene rode tacitum Spit W eaver his lean brown face ,

an en igma and his Six gun swi ngi ng i dly from the pommel -

of M oisshe the wonder horse I m curryin my dogs i n a

, .
’ ’

z
—
pa il of hot H O when the ball and cha i n ankles i n beam - s

i n I get the b ulge on her both ways from the whistle

’
. .

Li sten sister I snarls Spike M c G innity ll be a p u shover

, , ,
’

for the Kid s meathooks He ll be kissin the canvas i n

’
.
’ ’

two frames So take a powder You re slugn utty grates she

. .
’

, ,

h ow yo u gonna do it ? j u st ben d the old a u di t ory appa

rat u s meanin ear I warbles W o men of America all you
,
’

, .
,

wo rrie d fatties simply app ly my marv elo u s Thinn o treat

,

men t to tha t s aggin g foolis h b o som of y o u rs an d in ,

25 2
 min u tes yo u ll b e as svelte as a Fifth Av en ue mo del
’
ten
sv elter b y Ch rist V y sv elter in th e ci ty s h ea t w h en po ise d
’
.
, ,

—
self possesse d c os mopolitans rub elb ow s in the Salon
“ ”
M ixte of the S S Ge troffen ? M ingle w i th co u r tly diplo
.

mats scin tilla ting s tars of s tage an d screen an d w orld

, ,

famo u s ho n v iv an ts in the spacio u s airy playroo ms of this ,

—
fl oa tin g w eek en d ! Shoo t clay d u c k s in th e priv a cy of you r
cab in ! R o ach rid den pock mark e d hog fat lan d poor
-
, ,
-
,
-
,

—
mgg er rich penn y Wise an d p ou n d foolish gen u in e B re to n
,
- -

ste w a rds atte n d to yo u r ev ery w an t! Beginning next

mon th : E di th W ate rho u se Prattfogle s dynam1c novel of ’

h u man d es tinies against the brilliant backgro u nd of a

Hawaiian volcano A tapestry shot through and thro ugh
.

wi th the vivi d pl u mage of pleas u re mad sybarites A -

.

flaming pageant of a forbidden love W hite man brown .

girl cau ght in the v olcanrc drama of life on the s u n

drenched shores of a magrc i sle where blood ru ns
hot and the heart is free and man holds in fierce embrace
the all u ring image of elemen tal woman as the jealo u s God
i n the M o u ntain of Fire s u nders the ea rth and spli ts the
Skies and h u rls the sea to a b o tt omless pit beca u se she

broke the savage T aboo ! Shape you r n ose the n ew scien

tific w ay w i th this n ew d ev i c e disc o v ere d b y lea din g E u ro

p e an ch e mists F rec k le s p1mples w rin k le s b lack h e ads

.
, , , ,

enlarge d pores pits p ots p ans ab rasi o n s p ain ter s colic

, , , , ,
’

trach oma treach ery an d train m an s h eadach e all disap

’

, ,

e ar b efore this inv i oratm c om p o u n d Dog of a Chris

p g g .

tian u n b eliever know then that in all Samarkand dwells

,

none as lovely as gazelle eyed V ash tar E ven the lo tu s -

.

petal fades before her modest demeanor and when she ,

25 3
 walks abroa d veil ed i n her yashmak foolhardly i ndeed is ,

he who would dare gainsay her But i n the crooked Street .

of T en Th ousand Lanterns wily Ah Gow fingered a jade

encru sted fly worth a prince s ransom and kept his own ’

counsel Verily i s i t wri tten that the foo l has a hundred

.

tong u es but the wi se man will mother a cl ucking hen wi th

so ft speeches P arsl ey Braddon of the vi ol et eyes and the
.

storm tossed curls lo u nged moodily i n her chaise l ongu e

- -

atop G otham s l oftiest skyscraper Her ex q ui sitely mod

’
.

el ed Shoulders sh i vered d i sg u stedl y at the th ought of

So u thampton i n A ugust F eh ! P too ! If onl y Roddy Lath

.

rop and M i m i L ub lin er would call for her i n thei r yellow

Speedster T o feel the giddy onrush of w i n d i n h er hair
.

as she Sped down the M errick Road free free ! L o ts 0 — ,

’

folk s figg er they re sassiety fellers b e enz they own a c la w

’

h ammer c oa t P usson ally I d b e a d em Sigh t happ ier

’
.
,

a w hi ttlin chaw s off n m old p lug 0 M echa nics De ligh t

’ ’ ’

y
-
.

An d M r B urns h o w ev er h o mely his philosop hy is r ight

.
, , .

This little b ox of T a sty C hoc o la te ca n dy collapsib le ,

easily c lea n e d fits in to an or i fi ce w ill b lo w th e be

, y
j esus o u t o f yo u r la z y c ol o n C l e an h ouse ! C. l e ar th e d ec k s !
Clear the co u rtroo m ! Open y ou r b o w el an d let the sun
ligh t in ! It was glamo u r that p u t h ighlights i n h er ha i r ,

glamo u r that made him throw back his sho uld ers like a
yo u ng Lochinvar come ri d i ng out of the W est Young .

they were absurdly yo u ng

,
brave defiant of the world , ,

lazing the days away All both of them wanted was a l i ttl e
.

nook Foolish tender quixotic i mpuls ive genero u s to a

.
, , , ,

fa ul t they called me A u nt Vi albei t I was scarcely three

, ,

y e ars the i r sen i or At t i mes

. their i nnocence an d gay
25 4
l aughter foll owed him Fran k ly w e re .
,
’
—
K n ox la b el con
-

s cio u s an d w hy n ot? W e d b e d u ll y ou n g mo d ern s n ot

’

to re alize th a t apr es to ut K n o x gelatin has that certain

n e sais q u oi T h at h ow yo u say élan T h a t m
j e y s
“ ”
ferio ns sprea dab le q u ali ty pos sesse d o n ly b y this z es ty
old ch e d d ar d us t e d ligh tly o v er w h ea ty li ttl e Thin sies .

Yo u th ere Un cle M o se yo u b lack rascal wh uffo ain t

, , ,
’ ’

yo u don e b ring in d e c unn l s fa tb ack n co n pon e ? F aix ’ ’ ’ ’ ’

-

an b egorra Ah s b ee n sav orin g d e d e li cio u s od or ob Chase

’ ’

an d San b orn s da te m ark e d co ffee b e fo d e La w d ! W e ll

’ ’
-
, ,

M ose I cer tainly can t blame you for that b ut w h ere did
’

, ,

y o u g e t i t? W h y B asco m s j u st ab ov,
e F orty
—
fo u r th
’
S t
,
ree t ,

yo u k n ow W hich explains how M r Demosthenes P

. . .

j ohnson late Grand

,
Sachem of the A ffiliated S ons of the

Imperial Order of the Setting Star happened to be walk ,

i ng down F Street in the E thiopian quarter of Birming

ham Alabama He had j u st passed the tonsorial parlors of
,
.

T Ag amemnon Snowball ( M otto : W e Shave yo u you

.
,

save yo u rsel f) when he was hailed by a familiar voice .

T urning he descried the beam i ng lineaments of none

,

o ther than Pericl es Q Shoat l ate vice presid ent i n charge

.
,
-

of prod u ction of the Abyssinian M o tion Pictu re Stu dios -

.

You American mo thers in those in timate little hear t to ,

-

h e ar t talk s wi th you r d au ghters w hat a b ou t this q u es tion ,

of shashl i k ( the m e dic al n a me for s oile d sto mach ) ? You

lik e t o thin k of yo urself as a Sis ter to M ar y E llen n ot as a ,

mo th er an d yet you are allo wing the flu ff to acc u m u lat e

,

in h er n av el and st ore up i lln esses for la ter years You .

—
m u st b e a pretty flea b i tten son of a b itch das h i t all !
- - -
,

B ut tha t s o n ly p art of o u r service ! W e the ma k ers of

’
,

25 6
 —
Roylc ord B oun c eaw ay tires re h a b it of a nati on
,
the ti ,

the tire w i th th e trip le s u c tio n grip s th e d o u b le rein force d ,

sh oc k ab sorb in g c u shio n impac t an d that mod ern inn o

- -
,

—
v ation in tire en gin eerin g f loa tin g s hou ld er press u re hav e
, ,

o e f A m r ca s l ea d ng in s u ran ce
’

p s t d a b o n d w i th 18
4 o e i i
comp anies I f any tire b ean ng our n ame b lo ws out in less
.

tha n six h un dre d th ou sa n d miles of use y ou c an tak e i t ,

—
an d s h o v e i t in to th e n e arest pos t offi c e an d receiv e p ost

d a b u e y e in e xchan ge ! Re m em b er i t s
’

p ai a n sol t l n ew on

shish kebab ( yo u r doc tor s n am e for sens itive epidermic ’

tiss u e ) w hich Sh or te ns yo u r s hav e life ! B oy y ou h av en t

’
-
,

felt s ha v e e ase on your old shav es u rface till you v e dis

’
- -

c ov ere d Sb av K omfy the Shav e secre t of the Aztecs ! E v e

-
,
-

ning was a bright lasso drawi ng the sun s red ball behind ’

the ridge when Virgil Spa fford s topped the Ford outside
G edn ey s M an fashion he made as if t o pass April la u gh
’
-
.
, ,

i ng there i n the l i ttle circle of onhang ers She was a bright .

lasso drawing awkward yo u ng men down from the farms .

Virgil sno rt ed ; her hand fl uttered from his coat and h e ,

entered G edney s G edn ey s the bright lasso which drew

’
.
’

the main street of Shoreham in t o a hard angular knot , ,

was empty partially thro u gh hav rng b u rned down the pre
,

vious mon th pa rtially beca u se old man Gedney had never

,

set foot in Shoreham B razilian peo n s h u m mi ng th eir

.
,

n ativ e s on gs p i ck e d th e c o f
,
fee w hich fl av ors this n ew an d
s tartlin g c on fec tio n ; from th e s n o w y s u m mi ts of th e An d es

cam e long fi b red llama w ools to giv e it b ody; an d from

”

our ow n Pen n sylv an ia c oa l field s co m e s the d elicio u s gri tty

-

an thracite d u s t which is m akin g this o b scen e little can dy

th e lu n ch s u b sti tu te of millio n s A mischievous breez e
-
.

25 7
molded the outl i ne of her figure aga i nst the d unes Cap n .
’

E ben M u shmo u th chuckled to himself and relit h is pipe .

Sai ry Ann wo u ld have plenty to say abo u t this n ew arrival

in Hyannis For ty Fa thom mack erel s cales glis tenin g with
.
,

th e still fres h b rin e of th e G e orges B a n k b u rs tin g w i th im

-
,

p atien ce to leap in to yo u r frying pan an d treat yo u r pala te

-

to a real old fa shio n e d tu m my fes t! I n ga lv a n ize d iro n

- - -

h erm e tically se ale d pails dire c t from our cleanin g Sh e d s

in G lou cester to yo u r doors tep ! And now dear reader a , ,

final word from M r E ditor M ans W e have sco u red the

. .

fiction market to set before you Three M illion Tin y Sw eat

Glan d s F u n c tionin g in that vibrant panorama of tomor
row so that You r Sen sitiv e Bo w el M uscles Can react to
the i nevitable realization that only by enrichment and
guidance plu s a soo thin g d epila tory can America face its
problems confiden tly u na fraid w ell groomed mou th
, ,
-
,

happy b reakin g the h air off at th e roo ts wi th o u t un du e

,

st e n c h O k ay M iss Ameri ca !
.
,
my day but if there is anything as t rying as an article on
,

m othproofin g a ve st I p re fer t o rem ai n in the d aik abo ut

,

i t T o m ake ma tt ers wo rse I h ave a li ttle fi xation a b o ut

.
,

mo ths which I am a b le to control mos t of the t ime but ,

hal f way th ro u gh the article a pair of those filmy gray

-

types s u ddenly flutt ered o ut of the magazine i tsel f and

tri ed to settle on my fac e Now yo u kno w that isn t any .
’

way to hold a reader Spellbo u nd T h e janitor sa i d he never .

hear d a man scream like that .

Th e C leanin g an d Dyein g W orld and The N a tion al

Clea n er and Dyer h owever now and then forget them
, ,

selves s u ffi ciently to let slip a trade secret or two For .

i nstance I always wondered who was in charge of scorch

,

i ng my gray flannels and Spattering them with ink at the

dry cleaning plant and how m u ch he had to pay for the
-
,

c on c essron It now t u rns o u t that this work is only en

.

trusted t o experts who are even p aid to do it by their

,

vengef u l bosses Surely hatred of the c u stomer co u ld go

.

no f u rther Th e N a tio nal Clean er an d Dyer for M ay

.
,

under Positions W anted advertises : E xper t Fa ncy

“ “

S po tter al l around man 2 3 years practical experi ence

, ,

“ ”
best plants Box ( Best
. pants i s obv i o u sly what

—
the fool means he ll never get a job that way ) An expert
’
.

silk spot t er who sounds as though he co uld raise hell

,

wi th crinkly crepes is also availabl e for Special vandalism

,

on ladies garments care of Box 51 0 Another val u able

’

, .

bit of t echnical in formation i s the note i n the M ay Clean

in g an d Dyein g W orld which states Th e plural of t ailor s
“ ‘ ’

goose i s not geese but

’ ‘
Th e next time yo u en
’

ter yo u r tailor s Sh0p try this o u t on h i m and see what it

’

2 00
gets yo u It got me a rather nasty blow on the kn u ckles
.

Wi th a fl at iron which I am s t ill trying to la u gh off

-
.

B u t i t 1s m the Q u estion and Answer Department of

- -

Th e Cle anin g an d Dyein g W orld tha t the u nshriven dry

cleaner h u ngry for absol ution u nlocks his lips and po u rs
, ,

o ut his follies In this Sargasso Sea dri ft some strange

.

h u lks ; wi tness the appalling con fession which appeared

i n the M ay issue :
A b rand new white velvet dress w as put in the pressing
machi ne the fi rst thi ng in the morn ng A few d rops of c on i .

d ensed st eam c ontai ni ng ru st d ripped out of the bu ck .

W hile it w as still w et w e applied pre Spotter thi nking that -

,

it w oul d ab sorb the water and pu t it i nto our synth etic

,

solvent u n it Aft er the ru n the S ot of ru st rema n ed

.
p r .

N ext we applied a ru st removi ng preparat ion but that

“
-
,

d id not remove i t After i t w as thorou ghly ri nsed out w e

.

u sed potassium permanganate foll ow ed by sodium b isulph ite

and oxali c ac i d W h en that d i ed out th ere w as a l arg e
. r

brow n Spot where the K M N O had b een Can you advise

4 .

us how to remove the b row n Sp ot ? —G D

”
Pa . .
, .

In Heaven s name what in the world i s wron g with a

’

n i ce brown blob of potassi u m permanganate on the front

of a whi t e velve t dress ? Schiaparelli wo uld p i vo t her whole
win t er collection aro u nd an idea like that ; she d make up ’

a line of ev enrng j ewel ry o ut of B u nsen b u rners to go

wi th i t that wo uld knock your eye o u t B ut if C D is . .

really afraid of a cri se on the part of his client there is ,

only one sol ution The dress sho uld be wrapped in a ba ck

.

n u mber of The Cleanin g an d D yerng W o rld taken to ,

Grand Cen tral and checked a t the E ast Parcel Room

, .

201
Th e dry cl eaner then mails the receipt to the c u stomer
-

and boards the nigh t train to M ontreal I learned this .

t rick from Sam uel Leibowitz who tells me that yo u can ,

no t extradi te a dry cl eaner much l ess rema i n i n the same

-
,

room wi th one .

There i s a slightl y h es i tant a i r about M r A C W . . . .

of F la as he straggles up to the mo u rner s bench wi th

’

the follo wi ng horrid little case histo ry i n the April Clean

in g an d D yein g W orld :

W e have a pair of brow n flannel pants that w e dry cl eaned -

in the u sual way then w et cl eaned them T hey came out

,
-
.

w ith grayish whit e Spl otches all over th em

-
W e w et .

cl eaned and d r cleaned a ai n to no advanta e W e have

y g g
-
.

never b efore had an t roubl e like thi s Can ou t ell u s s ome

y y .

thi ng to remedy this trouble? ”

T ro uble i s what you make i t my boy an d i t s no use ’

, ,

go i ng aro u nd with a l et d own nose over a few whi t e

Splotches If you can t b u lly the c u stomer i nto thinking
’
.

that he i s seeing specks before his eyes you are not the ,

—
stu ff dry cl eaners are made of j u st keep chewi ng on .

that dead c i gar st u mp an d say i ng G wan yo u li ttle ’

”
weas el why don t yo u have your eyes exam i ned ? while
’

the customer yells h i mself hoarse If he threatens to s u e .

,

rem i nd h i m cal ml y that yo u r u ncle is a j u dge in the

Appellate D ivi sion Sho uld he scream back that his uncle
.

i s a j u dge i n the Appellate D ivi sion too that consti tutes ,

a ti e and must be played off at a l ater date .

Th e fine old tradit i on of tough s i newed hard b i tten— -

,

dry cl eaners has passed an d i n its stead has appeared a race

-

of wh i te li vere d m il ksop s T yp i ca l of th i s namby pamb y

-
.
-

2 02
 WE LL, R OLL M E
I N A TUR KI S H T OWE L!

gentlemen in the u pper half of the

I f th e
amph i thea t re will be so good as t o move down there —
’

tha t s be t ter Th e pa tient is a well developed whi t e male

’
.
-

of thir ty nine l n moderate shock H is Skin is moist and

-
.

cool tempera tu re
,
F p ulse 1 30 blood press ure
.
, ,

Th e complaint is localized in the head and ears ,

the general con formation O f which i s that of an early

Greek amphora No t e that the eyeballs are rolling Sk y
.

ward and that the lips are p u ckered as tho u gh they had
b i tt en into a quince A ro utine pocket analysis performed
.

upon admission however yielded no q u inces which s u g

, , ,

gests that the tro uble is seated el sewhere Th e abdomen .

i s noticeably Spastic and when perc u ssed reacts with a

ser i es of delicio u s little tremors The case his t ory while .
,

scanty reveals that the s u bject was recently exposed to

,

a hang tag packed by the I rwill Knitw ear Corpo ra tion in

one Of i ts ladies sweaters A mild psychic trauma is indi
’
.

cated wi th i ncreasing press u re and syncope aro u nd the

, ,

co m er as sure as God made li ttle green apples .

Now don t get me wrong men I m perfec tly willing

’

,
.
’

to lie here u nder this shee t and be tickled by a pre tty

probati oner if it s going t o advance the cau se Of science
’

but confidentially yo u re barking u p the wrong tree

,
’
.

Th ere s nothing the matter with me ; I m j u s t s u ffering

’ ’

from a l ittle sweater tag and if you co uld let me res t here
,

a second I ll be tiptop in no time I still can t u nderstand

’
.
’

how i t happened Yesterday I was h u nting thro ugh the

.

2 04
g u es t closet for a paper b ox when I ran across one con
taining a pink and gray ca rd on the order of a dance pro
- -
,

,
—
gram s u spended from a loop of fu chs ia colored twine It .

showed a yo u ng woman a ttired in a sweater b earing the

words j ane I rw ill across her p oitrin e and a qu aint biog
’

“
ra h
p y o f t he garment as follows : Years ago I was
,
j u s t
a little jacket for babies In the Gay Nine ties I went t o .

school and college growing ro ugh and to ugh and develop

,

ing a tu rtle neck T he women adopted me for sports next

.
,

b u t soon I was appearing everywhere all day long Now I .

am q u ite grown up and go o u t i n the evening t oo ,

.

Sponging a bead of moist u re from my u pper lip with a

delicate wisp of cambric I t u rned the card over prepara , ,

to ry to g rrnding it u nder my heel On the flap was a dainty .

“ ” “
mandate en titled Order Of the Bath Please wash me
in lukewarm water wi th Ivo ry Fl akes Sq u eez e the suds .

— —
thro ugh me carefully never scr u b or twist me ri nse me
carefully and roll me i n a T u rkish towel T hen lay mc
,
.

flat stretch me to my original shape and dry me in the

,

”
shade away from all heat Th ank you j ane I t will . . .

Yo u re welcome sweetheart I had always s u pposed

’

,
.

that merchandising reached i ts apogee in the Lux adv er

tisemen t which portrayed two arti cles Of l i ngerie dis
c u ss i ng their wearers efll uv ia for all the worl d like rival
’

stamp collectors b u t this latest conceit deserves some

,

Special decoration like the Cr0 1x de M al de M er second

,
- -
,

class with morst palms Th e 1mplication that only fem i

, .

nine apparel is vocal however is p u re sexual chauvi ni sm

, ,

and emmently un fair Th e nex t speaker an elderly b u t, ,

ton down or polo shirt has been known to me personally

-
, ,
for a n u mber of years It i s c u rren tly retired to the co u n.

try from which it emerges periodically in a s u ccession of

,

fare w ell to u rs like the late Adelina Pat t i b u t be tween

, ,

yo u and me and the compost its race is well nigh run ,

-
.

F rankly I can think of a n umb er of be tter things to do

,
s

th an to si t here and lis t en t o a frayed Old shirt shoot off it s

face b ut since we ve come this far there s no t u rning back
’ ’
.
,

“
W ell folks I am dus s an Old Brooks Brothers shirt
, ,

an d t o look a t me yo u wo u ld never d w eam of all the sights

I v e seen I dess I will dw op this con fo u nded prattle and

’
.

slip in t o something more comfy W ell folks it j u st seems .

, ,

like yes t erday that I first saw him s t aring i nto the showcase
at me He and the o ther man were bo th so rt of red i n
.

the face as i f they had had too much to drink at l u nch

, .

H e was easily the best looking thing I had ever seen -

great b road sho ulders almost a foot acros s an adorable

, ,

li ttle belly like a cantalo u pe and the c u nningest ferret ,

ey es which kept darting around on watch for the credi t

,

manager .

Hot z e ugma ! I heard him m u rmur to h i s fr end

‘ ’ i

motioning t oward me How d yo u like to go home wi th ‘ ’

.

th at? His friend whispe red some th ing back and they b oth
’

b u rs t in t o a coarse gu ffaw Nat u rally I made o u t I hadn t .

,
’

overhea rd b u t my heart was going like a trip hammer and

,

all I co u ld think of was Please Lo rd please make him

‘

, , ,

take me I ll work and I ll slave for him only don t let

.
’ ’

,
’

him get away T hen I suddenly realized how hopeless the

.
’

whole thing was W e were worlds apar t ; I was j u s t a com

.

mon li ttle domestic ox fo rd weave from the wro n g side of

—
th e G a m e n t C en t er and he had eve ryth ing posi t ion and
r

2 00
into a cab The l ast I saw of h i m h is h ead was pillowe d on
.
,

his friend s shoulder and he was yodelling Aupres de M a

’ ‘ ‘

Blonde .
’

Bright and early the next mo rning I was waiting o u t ,

side his apartment all done u p in t iss u e and q u ivering ,

wi th exci t emen t T hro u gh the cardboard box I hear d a .

d oorb ell and g ut t u ral voices .

‘
W ho s that for the lush i n forty two ?
’

,
-
’

‘
Yeah i s he home ? ,
’

‘
He s home all right They brung him back i n a pail
’
.

from the COpacab ana: That s him groanin now Soon ’ ’

.
’

fingers started fu mbl i ng w i th my wrappings and I was

face to face wi th him He seemed less boistero u s more .
,

mat u re; i n fact he had aged fi fteen years d u ring the,

night His hands were trembling his fo rehead burned

.
,

w ith fever and a trace ry of delicate p u rple veins stoo d o u t

,

i n has rel i ef on his nose He goggled at me for a moment

-
.
,

an d then wi th a best i a l oa th fl u ng me across the room

, , ,

demolishing a piece of bric a brac H u miliated st u ng by - -

.
,

his contempt I cried o u t i n pain His face slowly tu rned

,
.

ashen and his Sparse hairs rose en b rosse with fright

‘
W ho said tha t ? he q u avered his eyes shifting about ’

fearfully T here s somebody in this room !

.
‘ ’ ’

‘
Yo u rotter I choked Yo u thin g His jaw dropped
,
’
.
‘
.
’

and his tong u e clacked aga i nst his teeth like castanets .

‘
Help ! he screamed s u ddenly It talked ! A talking
’
.
‘

Shirt ! He str u ck o ut blindly at me went O f f balance and

’

, ,

rolled over me kicking and gouging One of the pins in

, .

my tail ca u ght i n his pajamas and his frenzy redo ubled .

‘
Ge t i t Off me ! he squeal ed I m stabbed Call a priest !
’
.
‘ ’
.
’

2 00
The door opened an d a woman i n a dressing gown eu
tered leis u rely sipping a c u p of co ffee Sh e stood coldly
, .

su rv eyi ng the poor wre t ch clawing the carpet .

W ell Sweets she said tonelessly are you ready for

‘

, ,
’

,
‘

b ed or are yo u going t o play bean b ag u nder the radia t o r

"

all d ay ? After a short uneq u al tu ssle with hi s wi fe and

’

the maid he was borne off whimperrng t o his co u ch As

, .

the maid threw me in t o the hamper with an obsc u re W es t

Indian mal ediction his ul ulations were j ll St beginning to
,

subside .

“
He wore me only once several months afterwards , ,

when he was tricked in to l u nching with a soiled dove in

a Sordid b o ite i n the E ast Sixties T oward the end of the .

afternoon h i s vi s avis overcome by his magnetism seized

,
- -
, ,

him i n a gri p of steel and began smothering his face with

ki sses In all justice to him he fought Off the dastardly
.
,

attack with every fibre O f his being b u t a smear Of lips tick ,

On my collar proved to be his undoing In the pos t mor t em .

-

which ensued at home his wife drew first claret and I was ,

banished to the co u ntry I occasmnally see him dow n .

there whenever the furnace needs cleaning or he tries

,

to s i m ul ate poverty i n order to get an extension at the

nk He st ill thinks he s a playboy altho u gh h i s chins
’
‘

.
,

ave o u tgrown my neckband twice over and his pa u nch

fl u tters like a custard if he merely laces his shoes I m as .
’

oung as I ever was That s a hell of a l ot more than I can

.
’

”
ay for him .
 P HY S I C I A N S TEE L T n i rs nu
‘

Do y
happen to kno w how many tassels a
ou
Restora t ion coxcomb wore at the knee ? Or the kind of
chafing di sh a bunch of Skidmore girl s wo uld have used
i n a dorm i tory revel i n 1 9 1 1 ? Or the exact method Of
quarrying peat out of a bog at the ti me Of the Iri sh Corn
Laws ? In fact do you know anyth i ng at all that nobody
,

else knows or for that matter gives a damn abo u t? If

,
‘
,

yo u do then s i t tight because one of these days you re

, ,
’

going to Hollywood as a techn i cal superv rsor on a milli on ~

dollar movie You may be a bore to yo u r own family but
.
,

yo u re worth yo u r weight m pl astres to the p i cture b u si

’

n ess .

Yes Hollywood dearly loves a technical expert how

, ,

ever recondite or esoteric his field I t is a pret ty picayu ne .

film that cannot afford at least one Of them ; some t imes

they well nigh outn u mber the actors The Sherl ock
-
.

Holmes series for i ns tance employs three servants on a

, ,

—
full time basis one who has made a li felong study Of the
-

décor at 2 2 1 B Baker Street a second deeply versed i n the

-
,

great detec tive s psychology and mannerisms and a third

’

who spots anachronisms i n the script which may di stres s

Holmesians like penicillin and the atomic bomb An
,
.

i deal exis tence you migh t think and ye t the re have been
, ,

excep t ions I knew a W hi te Ru ssian ar tillery o fficer at

.

M G M imported at bloodc u rdling expense from Alge ria

-
,

as adviser on a romance Of the Foreign Legion who ,

languished for two years i n an oubl tte under the M us ic

i e

2 70
Spe llb o u n d Al fred Hitchcock s recent thri ller for ex ’

, ,

“
ample carried the acknowledgment Psychia tric se
,

q uenc es s u pervised by Dr M ay R omm and . Sidney ,

Sk olsk y repor ti ng on a pic t ure called O b sesse d ( formerly

,

O n e M an s Secre t and be fore tha t O n e W om a n s Secret )

’ ’

,
“
s tates j oan Crawfo rd is h u ddling wi th an eminent psy
,

ch iatrist who wi ll psych her for thcoming role in The

”
Secre t for her A psychiatris t s u ddenly pitch forked i nto
.

Hollywood the ultimate nightmare m u st feel ra ther like

, ,

a small boy le t loose in a toy store but I wonder how l ong ,

he can main tain a Sp irit of stric t scien t ific Objec t ivi ty .

The ens ui ng v i gnett e a has ty attempt to adumbrate this

,

new trend is p u rely fanciful T here are natu rally no s u ch

, .
, ,

places as the Brown Derby Vine Street and Hollywood , ,

Bo u levard and if there sho u ld turn out to be I couldn t

, ,
’

b e sorri er .

SH E RM AN W ORM SE R M cam e out of the

,
. D .
,
PH D ,

Hollyw ood Plaza Hotel somewhat le thargic a fter a heavy

,

Su nday bru nch and pa u sed indecisively on the sidewalk

, .

The idea of taking a walk which had seemed so inspired,

a moment ago i n his room now depressed him immeas ,

u rab ly T o t he so uth Vine St ree t s t re t ched away intermin

.
,

—
abl y u nending blocks of bankr u p t night cl ubs used car — ,

lots Open air marke ts and bazaars full Of u npain ted fur
,
-
,

n iture and garden pot t ery T o the north i t rose abr u ptly
.
,

in a steep hill crowned by a cluster of f u nera l homes and

massage parlors in tan st u cco Over all of i t hung a .

2 72
miasma vaguely suggestive of a steam la u ndry Sherman .

moved aimlessly toward the bo ulevard and paused for

a brief self inven t o ry in the w m dow of the Broadway
-

Hollywood departmen t s tore .

M os t of Dr W ormser s patien t s in N ew York acc u s t om

’
.
,

ed t o his nea t morning coa t and pencil s triped tro u sers -

,

wo u ld have had some d ifli c ulty in recognizing their fa ther

—
con fessor at the moment He wore a pea g reen play s ui t
.

, ,
—
wi th deep fla ring lapels tailored of rough towel like ma ,

terial a rbi t rarily checked and s tria t ed in front b u t my s

,

teriously t u rned to s u ede 111 back Over a ga u zy sal mon

.
,

colored pol o shirt he had kno tted a yellow fo ulard h and

kerchief in a bow reminiscent Of George Pri mrose s M in ’

strels and on his head was Spor t ily perched an Alpinist s

’

hat modell ed after those worn by the tyrant Gessler .

E ight weeks before when he had arn v ed to check on the

,

dream sequences of B efu ddle d he wo u ld not ,

have been ca ught dead in these ves tmen t s b u t his sack ,

s u i ts had seemed so consprcuous that chameleo n like ,

-
,

he soon developed a sense of protective colorati on .

He had settled his hat at a ja u ntier angle and was tum

ing away from the window when he became aware that
a passer b y was stari ng fixedly at him The man wore an
-
.

Of f whi t e polo coat which hung open i ts belt trailing on

-
,

the pavemen t Undernea th were visible pleated lavender

.

slacks and a monogrammed yach ting jacket trimmed w i th

brass b u ttons The face under the scarl et beret was Oddly
.

familiar .

“
I beg pardon hesi ta ted the s tranger I think w e
, ,

yo u re not Sherman W ormser are you ? At the sound

’

,
”

2 73
of voi ce Sherman s mouth opened in delight H e
his ,
’
.

fl ung his arm abo ut the man s sho u lder s

’ ’
.

“
W hy Randy K alb fus yo u old son of a gu n ! he ,

crowed Tw o years ago ! The M ental Hygiene Convem

.

”
t ion in Cleveland !
“ ”
B ull s eye ch u ckled K alb fus I tho ugh t i t was yo u
’
-
,
.
,
”
b u t well you look different somehow , , .

“
W hy er I used to have a Vandyke W ormser fel t
— — .

“
his cheeks growi ng pink I shaved it Off o ut here The . .

stu dio you know Say you had one too for that ma t ter
, .
, , , .

W h at became Of yo u rs ? ”

“ ”
Same thing K alb fu s admi tted Sheepishly M y pro
, .

d ucer said i t was corny He s got a block abo ut psych ia

’
.

”
trists wearing goatees
’
.

“
Yes invol u n tary goa tee rejection nodded W ormser
, , .

Stek el speaks Of it W ell well I heard yo u were in town .

,
. .

W here yo u worki ng? ”

“
Over at T wentieth I m straightening o u t a co u ple of .
’

tra u mas i n Delirio us .

“ ”
You don t say ! Despi te himsel f Sherman s tone was
’

,
’

“
faintly patron iz i ng I tu rned down that assignment yo u .
,

k now D i dn t fee l I could j u stify the symbolism Of the

’
.

”
scene where Don Ameche disembowels the horse .

“ ”
Oh that s all o u t now said K alb fus amiably Th at
,
’

, .

”
was the earl y version .

“
W el l sa i d Sherman q u ickly eager to retrieve himself
,
”
,

it s the early version that ca tches the W ormser wha t ?

’

K alb us la u ghe d u proari o u sly less at the wi t ti cism than ,

beca u se this was the first ti me anyone ha d a d dressed him

i n three days .

2 74
he re fiv e mon ths and to me it s God s country I nev er ,
’ ’
.

e at o ranges b ut hell can you 1mag1ne three dozen for a

, ,

q u ar ter?
I gu ess you re right admi t ted W o rmser W here ’

, .

”
are yo u s tayi ng ?
“
At the Su nb u rst Auto M o tel on Cahuenga said ,

“
K alb fus dra i n i ng his glass I m sharing a roo m w 1th ’
.
,
”
two ext ra girls from Paramo u nt .

“
,
—
Oh I m sorry I I didn t know yo u and M rs K alb fus
’
.
’
.

”
were separated .

“
Don t be archa i c She s l ivi ng there too Kalb fus
’
.
’

, .

snapped his fingers at the wa i ter Once i n a while I fal l .

into the wrong bed but Beryl s made her emoti onal ad ,
’

ju stment; she s carryi ng on wi th a Greek i n M alib u Inter

’
.

esting sublimati on of libido under stress isn t it? I m ,

’ ’

doing a paper on i t W ormser ra i se d his hand ineffec .

”

tually to ward Off the fifth Zomb ola but Kalb fus w ould ,

not be ov erb om e .

"
None of that he sa id sharp ly Come on dri nk up , .
, .

Yes s i r it s a great town but I ll tell you so meth i ng

, ,
’

,
’

Sherrn W e re i n the wrong en d of th i s bus i n ess O ri gi nal

’
. .

sto ri es — that s the caper He l ooked aroun d and l owered

’
.
”

“
his vo i ce I ll l et you i n on a secret i f you prom ise not
’
.
,

to blab I v e been collaborati ng wi th the head barb er

.
’

over at F ox and we v e got a ten strike It s about a

,
’
-
.
'

simple unaffec ted man i curist who i nherits fi fty m illion

,

”
smackers .

“
A fantasy eh ? W orm ser pondered Tha t s a good
, .
“ '

”
idea .

“
W ha t the hell do yo u m ean fantasy? demand ed ,

2 76
K alb fus It happens every day W ai t till you
heatedly . .

hear the twisteroo though T his babe who has every , .

,

—
th ing houses yachts cars three men in love wi th her
, , ,

-
suddenly tu rns a ro u nd and gives back the do ugh
W hy ? asked W ormser sensing tha t he was expected
“
,

W ell we haven t worked that out yet

,
said K alb fus ’

“
confidentially Probably a s ubconscio u s wealth phobia
. .

Anyway Zan u ck s Offered us a hundred and thirty G s

,
’ ’

”
for it and i t isn t even on paper
’
.
,

Holy cow ! brea thed W ormser VVhat ll you do wi th

“ ”
.
’

”
all tha t money?
“
Ive got my eye on a place in Beverly Kalb fus con ,

“
—
fessed It s only eigh t een rooms b u t a jewel box indoor
’
.
,

plunge i ndoor rifle range the whole place rs i ndoors

, ,
.

”
E ven the ba rbec u e .

Th at can t be protested W ormser The barbec u e s

“ ’ ” ’

, .

”
always o u tdoors .

“
Not this one beamed Kalb fus T hat s wha t makes, .
’

i t so u nusual Then Of co u rse I ll have to grv e Beryl her

.
, ,
’

settlement when the divorce comes thro u gh

“
—
Yo u you just sa i d eve rything was fine between you ,

fal tered W ormse r

“
O h sure but I ve really outgrown her shrugged ’

, , ,
“
K alb fus Listen old man I wo uldn t want this to get
.
, ,
’

i nto the col u mns Yo u see I m gorng to marry Ingri d .

,
’

”
Bergman .

A strange tingling numbness l ike that i nd u ced by

, ,

novocain Spread downward from the tips of W ormser s

,
’

“
ears I di dn t know yo u knew her he m u rm u red
.
’

, .

2 77
 I don t sa i d K alb fus but I saw her the other n ight
’

, ,

at the M ocambo and she gave me a look that meant ,

”
o n l y one thing He laughed and swallowed his sixth
.

“
Z omb ola It s u nderstandable i n a way She must have
’
. .
,
”
kn own insti nctively .

“
Known what? W ormser s eyes trained to withstand ” ’

the unus u al stood o u t in high relief

, .

“
Oh just that I happen to be the strongest man in
,
”
the worl d sa i d K alb fus modestly He rose drew a deep
, .
,

breath an d p i cked up the table W atch he ordered

, .
,
”
,

an d flung it crisply ac r oss the bar T w o pyramids of .

bottl es dissolved and crashed to the floor taking with ,

them a F i l i p i no bus boy and severa l hundred cocktail

“

g l asses Before . the fixtures h ad ceased qu i vering a task ,

force Of bartenders and waiters was sp eari ng down on

Kalb fus Th ere was an obscure 1nterv al Of sc ufll in g d u ring
.
,

which W o rmser unacco u ntably found h i mself creeping

about on all fours and being kicked by a fat lady Th en .

the shouts and recri m i nations bl u rred and suddenly he ,

fel t the harsh i mpact of the pavement In a parki ng l ot .

,

e on s l ater the m i st cl eared and he was seate d on the

,

running board of a sedan palpating a rob i n s egg on his

’

jaw K alb fus his face puffi er than he last remembered

.
,

i t was shakily i mpl ori ng him to forgive an d di ne at his

,

motel W ormser s l owl y shook h i s head

. .

“ ”
N O thanks Though his tongue was a bolt of flannel
, .
,

“
Sherman strove to g i ve his words dign i ty I like yo u .
,

”
Kalb futh b u t yo u re a l i t tle un th tab le T hen he go t t o
’
.
,

his feet bowed formally and went i nto the Pi g n W histle

’

, ,

for an atomb urger an d a frosted mango .

2 78
poignancy Of her a ffl icti on the vi ctim was shown in a
,

second phase transmuted i nto an aged weather beaten ,

-

—
turkey I use H a s that HON EY of a l oti on crowed
.
,
”

another housewi fe hefting a coal scut tle and cel ebrating

,

you know whose Honey and Almond Cream j ergens

- -
.

L otion took a rather more romanti c approach and por

tray ed a handsome Ofli cer nibb li ng at his fiancée s fingers
’

wh il e Campana Cream Balm presente d a pa i r of war

sweethearts over the h ushed caption : It was one of
those golden deli ri ous moments
,
i mpuls ively his hands
s ought m i ne and toge ther we welcomed the first tender
touch of ro m
“ ”
ance T oushay the Beforehan d L oti on
.
, ,

demonstrated i ts versatili ty wi th four mysteri ous vignettes

of a young l ady stroking a kitten washin g her u ndies Sim
, ,

pering at some conval escent sol diers and finally nuzzli ng ,

her warrior home on l eave

, .

It was our humdrum Old fri end Ivory Soap though , , ,

that put i ts competitors to shame and set my ordi narily

robust stomach palp i ta ting l ike a pl ate of junket It de .

p ic te d a personab l e matron fondly dis cuss i ng her m ate

over the tel ephone with some u ndisclosed cri t ic as fol ,

l ows : Hard boiled ? H im? Don t you bel i eve it ! W hat

“
-
’

hard boiled hu sband wo uld tramp hal fway across town

-

to get that Speci al co ffee cake I adore SO for Su nday

breakfast ? W ould a really tough guy take ti me out now
—
and then l ike i n the m iddle of his favorite pecan p i e
—
just to grab my hands and kiss them ? Yes gru ff as he
s eems to others i n private he fairly ra v es abo u t my pre t ty
, ,
”
hands !
I have searched diligen tly thro u gh Fre u d j u ng Brill , , ,

28 0
M enninger and Zilb oorg for a cl u e to this i nteres ti ng
,

form of hand worship but can find no analogous instance , ,

either with or wi thout pecans I s u spect however that i f .

, ,

we p ull on a pair of waders and whip the h u sband s strea m ’

of conscio u sness using the kind of tackle M r j oyce em

, .

ployed on Leopold Bloom we may catch a few shiners , .

Here then i s the i nteri or monologu e of Lester W agen

, ,

hals i ncisive hard bitten Office manager of the P u issant

, ,
-

Valve Flange Corporation as he si ts at his desk about ,

five O clock of a mid winter a fternoon

’
-

Fu nny taste i n my mo uth M u s t be that noodle ring

“
.

I had for l u nch Urr r gh G ood thing I keep extra bag of

.
- -
.

pecans i n desk drawer Careful now Secre tary migh t walk . .

i n Nas ty l i ttle snooper Lovely hands tho u gh W i sh I

. .
, .

co uld bite them Better not Can t a fford scandal j ust

. .
’
.

one q u ick bite? N O Complica ti ons Lose my head O ne . . .

bi te leads to another Road to hell pave d with soft white .

hands Good tho u ght there W as ting my ti me i n busi ness

. . .

Sho uld have be en a poet Plen ty Of mazu ma i n poetry i f .

a man went at i t e fficiently Sn u g stud i o i n Greenwich .

Village High jinks Red wi ne and red hot mammas T urn

. .
-
.

yo u r damper down Life i n the ol d boy yet M an i s as . .

yo u ng as he feels Li ck my weight i n W ildcats . .

“
O u ght to fin i sh this l etter to Aberne thy abo u t those
b u shings Yo u rs of the 1 4in st to han d There I go again
. . . .

Hands all over the place T ry again Cann o t see o u r w ay . .

clear to tak e consign men t off yo ur han ds N O good Sleep . .

on i t Bes t not to ru sh into these things anyway Past five

.
, .

o clock E u nice wai ting Comb my hair and wash my

’
. . .

St eady Lean agains t fi ling cabinet a second B u zzing i n

. .

28 1
the templ es Never sho ul d have eaten that noodl e ri ng
. .

Scores di e as pol ice b lame po i sone d noo dl e ring F BI .

u ncovers secret noodl e ring i n M idwest W ait W ipe . .

persp i rati on Off forehead Recepti on clerk m i ght blab to .

j. B Can hear
. them talk i n g right now W ag enhal s slowi ng .

up Nic e Old du ffer but can t keep abreast of modern

.
’

metho d s Organ izati on full of d ead d ucks T erm i nati ng

. .

as of the first One month s salary i n recogn i ti on of the

.
’

service you have ren Appreciate i f you will expla i n system .

to M r Sam i sh the dirty sneak you have been protecti ng

.
,

right i n your own OffiCC L aw of the jungl e d og eat dog .

, ,

root or di e Al ert capabl e executive desires wi de awake

.
,
-

connec ti on Sorry pos itron just fill ed Sorry l ooki ng for

.
, .
,

aggress ive younger man W ill call you i f anyth ing Com . .

elled to forec l ose Beg to adv i se that i nsurance has l apsed

p . .

Some bank wi th fac ilit i es for handli ng small er accounts

like yours E un i ce taki ng i n wash i ng Rough l a u ndry
. .

hands N O more pecan p i es Bell evue Oh my God

. . .
, .

Buck up now W alk s l owly past thei r d esks Bunch Of

“
. .

clock watchers Lazy no good ri ffra ff G ive them the old

-
.
,
-
.

glare Snap thei r hea d s off Carl son at the water c ool er
. .
-
.

O K Carl son your goose is cooke d R unn ing H ors e

. .
, ,
.

sti cki ng out of Bender s pocket Knock them off ton ight ’
. .

N O tomorrow will d o M uch too k i ndhearte d for my

,
.

own goo d .

“
Th ere L ucky my getti ng thi s el evator car C u te bru
. .

nette that Operator Pi ty she wears gl oves Bet she has

, . .

s u perb han d s Ask her for a peek? No might misunder.

,

stand Invi te her out for cocktail some ti me P retend I m

. .
’

big advertising man Nee d model wi th Special type of .

28 2
tho u gh Row on row of delicious crackly W ho s to tell ?
.
, .
’

Never know when some friend Of E u nice Oh rats Only .

, .

l ive once Long time dead Long ti me no pecan b u n Look

. . .

u
p and down firs t H u r ry . .

“
E asy now People looking at you Stop trembling
. . . .

Debonair stroll M an of the world dropping i n for late

.

aftem oon snack Nothing out of the ordinary Draw hot

. .

c hocolate fi rst E no u gh Don t bother with sa u cer Now

’
. . .

the pastry M ore pecans on the twi st than the buns Co u nt

. .

them Don t be a sheep Get your money s worth Look

.
’
.
’
.

out manager watching y ou Three n i ckel s quickly Some

,
.
,
.

thing wrong D oor i s stuck Hit i t P o u nd i t There i t s

. . . .
,
’

O pen i ng SO is the panel in back W oman s hand reaching

’
. .

through E xquis i te taperi ng fingers redol ent of Ivory

.
,

S oap One l ittle k i ss Opportun i ty of a l ifeti me Grab

. . .

them you fool ! Yum yum yum y u m yum

,
Cap i tal Now . .

all I have to d o is talk my way out of this .

 “ ”
I N S ER T FLA P A
AN D THR OW A WA Y

One ti fling summer afterno on last August m

s ,

the at ti c of a ti ny stone house i n P ennsylvan ia I made a ,

most i nteresting di scovery : the shorte st cheapest me thod ,

of i nducing a nervous breakdown ever perfected In thi s .

technique ( eventually adopted by the psychol ogy depart

ment of Duke University which will adopt anything ) the
, ,

subject is placed in a sharply Sloping attic heated to 340 F °

.

and given a mo thproof closet known as the j i ffy Cloz to -

assemble T he j iffy Cloz proc u rable at any department

.
-
,

store or neighborhood insane asyl u m consists Of half a ,

dozen gigan ti c sheets ofred cardboard two plywood doors , ,

a clo thes rack and a packe t of staples W i th these is in

,
.

cluded a set of instru c tions mimeographed in pal e violet -

“
ink fru ity with phrases like Pass Section F through Slo t
,

AA taking care no t t o fold tabs behind washers ( see Fig

, .

The cardboard is SO processed that as the s u bjec t

struggles conv u lsively to force the staple thro u gh it s u d ~ ,

d enly b u ckles pl u nging the staple deep in t o his th u mb

, .

He there u pon Springs u p wi th a doloro u s cry and smites

his knob ( Section K ) on the ra fters ( RR ) As a final de .

monic to u ch the j i ffy Cloz people c u nningly omit four

,
-

of the staples necessary to finish the job so that a fter in ,

describable p u rgatory the best the s ubject can possibly

,

achieve is a sleazy capricious structure which would re

,

d u ce any self respecting moth t o helpless laugh t er Th e

-
.

c u m ula tive fru stra tion the tropical heat and the soft
, , ,

ghostly chuckl i ng of the moths are cal culated to unseat

28 5
the s trongest me ntali ty .

In a perio d of rapid tech nolog rcal change however , ,

i t was i nevitable that a method as c umbersome as the

j i f
f y-
Cloz wo ul d be superseded It was s u perseded at ex .

ac tly nine thir ty Chris t mas morn i ng b y a device called the

-

- —
Sel f Ru nning 1 0 Inch Scale M odel Delivery T r u ck Kit - -

Powered by M agic M o t or costing twen ty nine cen ts ,

-
.

Abo u t ni ne on that partic ular morning I was sp read ,

eagled on my bed ind ulging in my favori te Sport of mo uth,

breathing when a cork fired from a child s air gu n mys

,
’

teriously lodged in my throat Th e pellet proved awkward .

for a while b u t I finally ejected it by fla iling the li t tl e

,

marksman ( and his sister for good meas u re ) u n til their ,

welkins rang and sa u ntered i n to breakfast Before I co uld

, .

choke down a healing fru it j u ice my consort a tall regal , , ,

crea tu re indis tingu ishable from Cornelia the M o ther of ,

the Gracchi except that her foot was entangled i n a roller

,

ska t e swept in She extended a l arge unm i stakable box

, .
,

c overed with diagrams .

“
Now don t start making exc u ses she whined It s
’

, .
’

j u st a Simple cardboard toy T he directions are on the .

back
“
Look dear I i nterrupted rising hurri edly and pull
, , ,

“
i ng on my overcoat it clean slipped my mind I m s u p
’

, .

posed to take a lesson i n crosshatching at Zim s Schoo l of ’

”
Cartooning today .

“ ”
On Chris tmas ? she asked s u spi c i ousl y .

Yes i t s the only time they could fit me in I coun

,
’

“
tered glibly T his is the big week for crosshatch i ng you
.
,

”
k now between Chri stma s and New Year s
’
.
,

28 6
and get Daddy a kni fe .

”
I d owanna q uavered the boy backing away You
, , .

”
always c u t yourself at thi s stage I gave the wee fellow .

an i nd u lgent pat on the head that flattened i t slightly to ,

teach him civili ty and commandeered a l ong serrated , ,

“
bread kni fe from the kitchen Now watch me closely .
,

children I ordered W e place the axle on the diagram

,
”
.
“

as i n F ig C applyi ng a strong downward pressure on the

.
,

”
knife handle at all ti mes Th e axle must have been a .

facto ry second because an i nstant l ater I was i n the ba th

,

room gri nd i ng m teeth ih agony and attempti ng to stanch

y
the flow of blood Ulti mately I succeeded i n contrivi ng
.
,

a rough bandage and Sli ppe d back i nto the nursery with
o ut awak i ng the children s suSpicion s An agreeabl e sur
’
.

p ri se awa i te d me D i sp l ay i ng a mechanica
. l apti tud e cl ear

ly i nheri ted from thei r s i re the rascal s had put together ,

th e chass i s of the del i very truck .

“ ”
Very good i ndee d I compl imented ( natu rally one , ,

has to exaggerate pra i se to devel op a ch il d s sel f confi ’

-

.
“
—
dence ) Let s see what s the next step ? Ah yes Lock
’ ’

, .
‘

i nto b ox shape by i nserti ng tabs C D E F G H j K , , , , , , , ,

L i nto slots C D E F G H j K and L E nds of , , , , , , , ,

.

front axle shoul d be pushed through holes A an d B .

’

W hile marshalling the i nd i cated parts i n the i r proper or

der I emphas ized to my rapt l isteners the necess i ty of
,

pati ence and perseverance Haste make s waste you .

,

” “
know I rem i nded them Rome wasn t built i n a day
, .
’
.

R emember your d a ddy i sn t a l ways go i ng to be here to

’

”
show you .

“
Wh ere are you go i n g to be ? they demanded .

28 8
 In the movies if I can arrange it I snarled Po i sing
, ,
.

ta b s C D E F G H j K and L in one hand and the

, , , , , , , ,

corresponding Slo ts in the o ther I essayed a u nion of the ,

two b u t in vain T he moment I made one set fast and

,
.

tackled ano ther tab and slo t wo u ld part company th u mb

, ,

i ng their noses at me Al tho ugh the children were too im .

ma t ure t o u nderstand I saw m a flash where the tro uble ,

lay Some idiotic employee at the facto ry had p u nched

.

o u t the wrong design probably o ut of Sheer spi t e SO that ,

.

was his game eh ? I set my l ips in a gri m li ne and throw

, ,

ing one hundred and fifty seven po u nds of fighting fat -

in t o the e ffort po u nde d the component parts into a

,

homogeneo u s mass .

“ ”
T here I said with a gasp that s close en ou
’

, ,

—
then who wants candy? One two three everybody off
, , ,
”
to the candy store !
“
W e wanna finish the delivery tru ck ! they wailed ”
.

M u mmy he won t l et u s finish the delivery t r u ck ! ”

’

Threats cajolery bribes were of no avail In their j u ngl e

, , .

,
—
code a twenty nine cent gewgaw b ulked larger than a
-

parent s l ove Realizing tha t I was dealing with a pair of

’
.

monomaniacs I determined to show them who was mas

,

ter and wildly began locking the cardboard uni ts hel ter
skelter wi tho u t any regard for the directions W h en sec
, .

tions refu sed to fit I go u ged them wi th my nails an d ,

forced them toge ther cackling shrilly T he Side panel s ,

.

collapsed ; wi th a bestial oath I drove a safety pin thro u gh ,

them and lashed them to the roof I u sed paper clips .

,

bob b y pins any thing I co uld lay my hands on M y fingers

, .

“
fairly flew and my breath whis tled i n my throa t You .

28 9
want a delive ry truck do you ? I panted All right I ll
, .
,
’

”
show you ! As merc i ful blackness closed i n I was on my ,

hands and knees bun ti ng the i n fernal thing al ong wi th

,

”
my nose and whinnyi ng Rol l con found you roll ! , , ,
“ ”
Absolute q ui et a carefu lly mod ulated voice was
,
“ ”
sayi ng and fi fteen of the whi t e tablets every four ho u rs
, .

I opened my eyes carefully i n the darkened room Dimly .

I picked out a knifelike character actor i n a Vandyke beard

an d pencil striped pants foldi ng a stethoscope i nto his
-

“ “
b ag Yes he added th oughtf ul ly i f we play our cards
.
, ,

”
right th is o ught to be a l ong expensive recove ry
,
From , .

far away I could h ear my wi fe s vo i ce bravely trying to

’

c ontro l her an xi e ty .

“
Wh at i f he b ecomes restless Doctor? ”
,
”
G e t him a detective story returned the l eech Or , .

, ,
—
better sti ll a nice soo thing p icture puzzle something
”
he can do wi th his han ds .
 I could go for yo u s ugar I said slowly Her face w as , , .

veiled watch ful I stared at her ears liking the way they
,
.
,

were joined to her head Th ere was something comple te .

abo ut them ; you knew they were there for keeps W h en .

you re a private eye you want th i ngs to stay put

’

, .

“ ”
Any c u stomers ?
“
A woman by the name Of Sigrid B jornstem e said she d ’

”
be back A l ooker . .

“ ”
Swede ?
She d like yo u to th i nk SO
’
.

I nodded toward the inner Office to i ndi cate that I was

going i n there and went i n there I lay down on the
, .

davenport took Off my shoes and bought myself a shot

, ,

from the bottle I kep t u nderneath Four min u tes later .

,

an ash blonde wi th eyes the color of unset opal s i n a ,

N ettie Rosenstein basic black dress and a ba u m marten -

stole b u rst in Her bosom was heaving and it looked even

, .

b et t er that way W i th a gasp she c i rcled the desk h u nt

.
,

ing for some place to hide and then spotti ng the ward , ,

robe where I keep a change of bourbon ran i nto i t I , .

got up and wandered out i nto the anteroom B irdi e w as .

deep i n a crossword p u zzle .

“
See anyone come i n here ?
”
Nope There was a tho u ghtful li ne between her
.

“
b rows Say what s a fiv e letter word meaning
’
-
.
,
“
Swede I tol d her and went back i ns i de I wa i ted the
, , .

l ength of time i t would take a small not ve ry bright boy ,

to recite Ozyman dias and i nch i ng carefu lly along the , ,

wall took a qui ck gander o u t the window A th i n gal oot

, .

w i t h stoop i ng shoulders was be i ng very busy reading a

29 2
paper o u tside the n stede store two blocks away H e o .

hadn t been there an hour ago but then of course nei ther
’

, , ,

—
had I He wore a Size seven dove col ored hat from Brown
.

ing King a tan W ilson Brothers Shirt with pal e bl ue

,
-

s tripes a j P ress fo ulard wi th a m1xed red and wh i te fig

, .
- -

u re dark bl u e Interwoven socks and an unshined pai r of

, ,

ox blood London Character shoes I l et a c i garette b u rn

-
.

down be tween my fingers u ntil i t made a small red mark ,

and then I Open ed the wardrobe .

“ ” “
H i the blonde sa i d lazil y You M ike Noonan ? I
, .
”

“ ”
made a no ise that coul d have been Yes and waited , .

She yawned I thought things over decided to pl ay it

.
,

safe I yawn ed She yawned back then settling into a

. .
, ,

com er of the wardrobe went to sleep I l et another orga , .

rette burn down until i t made a second red mark besi de

the first one and then I woke her up Sh e sank i nto a
, .

c ha i r cross i ng a pair of gams that ti ghtened my throat as

,

I peered under the desk at them .

“
.
—
M r Noonan she said yo u you ve got to hel p me ,
”
,
“ ’
.

M y few fri ends call me M ike I sa i d p l easantly ,

M ike She rolled the syllable on her tong u e I don t

” “ ’
. .

”
bel i eve I ve ever heard that name before Irish ?
’
.

“
E no u gh to know the d i fference between a gossoon an d
a bassoon .

“
W hat is the d i fference ? she asked I dummred up ; ”
.

I figured I wasn t grv rng anyth ing away for free Her eyes
’
.

narrowed I Shi fted my tw o hundred pounds slightly

.
,

laz ily set fire to a finger and wa tched i t burn down I , .

could see she was admiring the i nterplay of muscles i n

my shoulders Th ere wasn t any ex tra fat on M ike Noonan
.
’

,
bu t I wasn t telling her that I was playing it sa fe un til I
’
.

knew where we stood

W h en sh e spoke again i t came wi th a r u sh M r , . .

N oonan he thinks I m tryi ng to poison him B u t I swear

’
.
,

—
the herring was pink I took it out of the jar mysel f I f .

I co uld only find o u t how they ti nte d i t I Offered them .

”
money but they wouldn t tell
,
’
.

“
Suppo se yo u take i t from the begi nn i ng I s ugges t ed ,
.

“
She drew a deep breath Yo u ve h eard of the golden
’
.

”
spin tria of Hadrian ? I shook my head It s a tremem .
’

d ously valuabl e coin beli eved to have been gi ven by the

Emperor Hadr ian to one of his proconsu l s Caius V itel ,

li u s It d i sappeared abo u t 1 50 A D and eventually passe d

. . .
,

into the possess i on of H ucb ald the Fat A fter the sack of .

Adrianop l e by the T u rks it w as loaned by a man named ,

Shapiro to the co u rt physic i an or ha k im of Abd u l M ah , ,

mo u d T hen i t dropped o u t of sigh t for nearly five hun

.
-f

dred years until last Aug u st when a dealer i n second

, ,

hand books named Lloyd T hursday sold i t to my hus

b and .

“
And now it s gone again I fin i she d’

, .

” “
No she said At leas t it was lyi ng on the dresser
,
.
,

”
when I left an ho u r ago I leaned back pretending to
,
.
,

fu mble a carbon out O f the desk and s tu died her legs ,

agai n Th is was going to be a lot more in trica t e than I

.

“
had thought Her voice go t h u skier La st night I bro u gh t
. .

home a jar of Smorgasb its for W al ter s dinner You know ’

.

”
them ?
“
Smal l mouth size p i eces of herring and of pinki sh
-

”
tones aren t they?
,
’

29 4
 It was n i ne last time .

It seemed like twelve till yo u came along I hel d the .

cli nch unti l a faint wi 3p of smoke curled o u t of her ears ,

p u shed her thro u gh the door Then I sli pped a p i nt of

.

rye in t o my stomach and a hea ter i nto my kick an d wen t

looking for a bookdealer named Lloyd Th u rsday I knew .

he had no connection wi th the herring caper but in my ,

b usiness you don t overlook any thing

’
.

The thin galoo t o utside Gristede s had taken a powder

’

when I got there ; that meant we were no l onger playing

girls rules I h i red a hack to W anamaker s cut over to
’
.
’

Third walked up toward Fourteen th At T welfth a mink

, .

faced jasper made up as a street cleaner tailed me for a

block drifted i n t o a dairy resta u rant At Thirteenth some
, .

b ody dropped a so u r toma t o o u t of a thir d story wi ndow -

,

m issing me by i nches I do ubled back to W anamaker s

.
’

hOpped a b u s up Fif th to M ad i son Squ are an d swi tched ,

to a cab down Fourth where the second hand bookshops

,
-

elbow each other l ike dirty urchins .

A flabby hombre i n a j oe Carbondale rope knit swea ter -

,

whose jowl co uld have u sed a shave qu i t giggling over ,

the Heptameron long enough to tell me he was Ll oyd

T hursday His sh oeb utton eyes became opaque when I
.

asked to see any first editions or i nc u nabul a relative to the

Clu pea haren g us or common herring
, .

“ ”
You got the wrong pitch COpper he snarled Th at
, ,
.

stu ff is ho t ter than Pee W ee Ru ssel l s clarinet

’ ”
.

M aybe a saw b uck ll smarten you up I said I folded

“ ’ ”
.
,

one to the s i ze of a postage stamp scratched my chin ,

“
wi th i t T h ere s five yard s around for anyon e who knows
’
.

29 6
why those Smorgasb its Of Sigrid B jorn sterne s happened ’

to be pink H is eyes go t cra fty

. .

“ ”
I migh t talk for a grand .

Star t dealing He mo t ioned toward the back I took

. .

a s tep forward A second la ter a Roman candle exploded

.

inside my head and I went away from there W hen I .

came to I was on the floor wi th a l u mp on my sconce the

,

size of a lapwing s egg and big T erry T remaine of Homi

’

cide was bending over me .

“ ”
Someone sapped me I said thickly H i s nam e w as
,
.

W ebster gru n ted T erry He held up a dog c ared

,
”
.
-

“
copy of M erriam s Unabridged You tripped on a l oose
’
.

”
board and this fell Off a shelf on your think tank .

“ ” “
Yeah ? I said skep ti cally Th en where s Thursday? .
’

He po i n t ed to the fat man lying across a p ile of ero tica .

“ ”
He passed o u t col d when he saw you cave I covered .

up l et T erry fig u re i t any way he wante d I wasn t telling

,
.
’

him wha t cards I held I was playing i t safe until I kn ew

.

all the angles .

In a seedy pha rmacy Off Astor Place a stale Armen ian ,

whose name might have been Vulgarian b u t wasn t dressed ’

my head and started asking q u es tions I put my knee i n .

h is groin and h e lost in t eres t j erking my head toward the

.

co ffee um I Spent a nickel and the nex t forty m i n u tes

,

doing some heavy thinking T hen I holed up i n a phone .

booth and dialled a clerk I knew called Lit tle F arv el in

a delica t essen s t ore on Ams t erdam Av en ue / I t took a

wh il e to ge t the dope I wan ted be ca u se the connec tion

w as bad and Li t tl e F arv el had been dead two years b u t ,

w e Noonans don t let go easily

’
.
 By the ti me I worked back to th e Arbogast Bu il ding ,

via the W eehawken ferry and the George W ash i ngto n

Bridge to cover my tracks all the p i ec es were i n place , .

Or so I thought up to the po i nt she came o u t of the

ward robe h o l ding me be tween the Si ghts of her i ce blue -

automati c .

“
R each for the stra t osphere gum shoe Sigri d Bjorn , .

sterne s voice was colder than Ho race Greeley and Little

’

Farv el p u t together but her c l othes were plenty cal or ific

,
.

She wore a forest green su i t of Hockanum woolens a

-
,

Kno x W ayfarer a n d baby crocodile pumps It was her

, .

blouse th ou gh that made tiny red ha irs stan d up on my

, ,

knuckl es Its deep yoke fo l ds shoul der pads and sh i r t

.
, ,

band bow coul d only have been des ign e d by some master
c raftsman some Cézanne of th e Shears
, .

“
W ell Nosy Parker she sneered so you found o u t
, ,
”
,

”
how they tinted the herring .

“
— ”
Sure grenadine I said easily Yo u knew i t all along
, . .

And you planned to add a few grains of oxylb utane cheri -

phosphate wh i ch tu rns the same shade of p i nk i n sol u

,

tion to yo u r h u sband s portion k now rng i t wouldn t show

,
’

,
’

i n the pos t mortem Then yo u d collect the three hundred

.
’

g
’
s and jo i n Harry Pesta l ozz i i n Noga l es t ill the h eat d i ed
”
down B u t you didn t co u nt on me
.
’
.

“
You ? M ockery n i cked her full throated l a u gh W hat
”
-
.

”
are you going to do abo u t i t ?
“ ”
T his I snaked the ru g out from under her and she
.

went down i n a swi rl of silken ankl es Th e bullet wh i ned .

by me i nto the ceiling as I vaulted over the desk pi nioned ,

her aga ins t the wardrobe .

29 8
at me .

“
Nee d me any more tonight?
”
No I dropped a grand or two in her lap Here b u y
. .
,
”
yoursel f some s tard u st .

T han k s I ve go t my q u o ta For the firs t time I ca u gh t

‘ ’
.
,

a shadow of pain behind her eyes —

M ike wo u ld wo u ld .
“
,

you tell me some thing?

“
As l ong as i t i sn t clean I fl ipped to c onceal my bi t
’

tem ess .

“
W hat s an ’
—
eigh t le t ter word meaning
“
Flatfoot darling , , I sa i d and went out i nto the ram
, .
M O D E RN L I B RA RY G I AN T
A seri es of stu rdi ly b ou n d and hand som e ly prin te d fu l ,

sized lib rary ed ition s of b ook s formerly av ai lab le on ly 1

ex p en siv e se ts These v o lu m e s con tai n from 6 0 0 to 1 4c
.
,

pg
a es e a ch .

TH E M O DE R N LIB RARY GI AN T S RE PR E SE N T 14

S E L E C TI O N O F TH E W O R L D S G R E ATE S T B oox r
’

A ER S E
ND GRIMM T l N : a es
AU GU S TINE S T h Ci ty fG d T. : e o o
AU S TE JANE C mp l N l
,

N : o e te ov e s
B L KE W ILLIAM 8 D ONNE JOHN
,

A ,
: ,

B O S WELL JAME S Lif f S m l J h : e o a ue o n son

B ROWNING ROBERT P m d Pl y
,

: oe s an a s
B U L INCH M y ho logy ( ILL U S TR D)
,

F : t ATE
B U RY J B A H i o y f G c
, . . : st r o ree e

CARLYLE THOMAS T h F ch R l : e ren ev o u

CARROLL L EWI S Comp l t W o k
,

: e e r s
CERV NTE S D Q i o
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A : on u x te
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X
A IN , : r o e e e

I / an

DE WE Y JO N I t llig c i th M o d m W l
, H : n e en e n e e or r
D w y P hi l op hy
’
e e s os
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HN r A E , A : o e te oe r
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D O S TO YEVS KY FY ODOR Th Idi o t , : e
ELIOT GEORGE B K ow N o l
, : e st -
n n ve s

F RRELL JAME S T S d L ig
A , . : tu s on an
FA U LKNER W ILLIAM Th F l k R d : e au n er ea e r
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,

, : e as r n s

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Rom Empi an ( C O M LE TE T R re P IN H EE vo

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GR MM 8 ANDER S EN T l
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H o lm
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es

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JOYCE JAME S Uly
,

, : sse s

K EAT S 8 S ELLE Y C mp l t P m
: H : o e e oe s
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Li co l n n
M N TH O MA S S to i
AN , f Th D c d : r es o ree e a es
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I Z H phy fN i t ch
, RI : e oso o e zs e
O H ARA JO N 49 St i
’
, H : or e s
O N E ILL , EU GEN E : N in e la
’
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P AINE , T O M : Se l e te d W ork c
PA TERNAK , B ORI : D tor Z hiv a o
S S oc g
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PL TAR C H : Liv e s ( Th e D ry den T ran slati
P OE , E DGAR ALLAN : e te Tale s an d Comp l Po m e s
P S
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Co q t fP n u es o eru

P U S KIN P m P
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SC OTT SI R W AL TER : T he M ost

, o u lar N ov e l ( Qu e n tin Pp s
Du rw ard Iv an hoe 8c K e ni lw orth j
SHELLE Y 8: K EAT : S Comp l Po m
,

e te e s

SMI TH , AD AM : T he W e a th of N ation s l
U
SP AE TH , SI GM ND : A G u id e to G re at O r hestral M u si c c
SP ENGLER O cl SW
A L D : T he D e i n e of the W e st ( on e v olume )
,

SP EN ER , E D M ND : S e le te
S c d Po y
e tr U
V S US lc
STE EN ON , ROBERT L O I : S e e ted W riti n s g
U
SU E , E GENE : T he W an d e rin Jew g
Po m
TENNY ON : The e s an d la s
S P y
TOL TO Y, L E O : An n a K aren ina tr re v ised
S — .

T O L S I O Y L E O : W ar and e a e
' ‘
P c
W
T AIN , M AR K : T Saw e r an d Hu k le b erry Finn
,

om y c
W HI TMAN W ALT : Leav e s of Grass
U
,

WIL S ON, E DM ND : The S h k of Re n ition

oc cog
MI CELL EOU S A N S

A A tho l ogy f F mo
n n Am i c St i o a us er an or e s
A A tho logy f F m
n n B i ti h S to i o a ou s r s r es

A tho logy f F mo
n E g li h d Am i c P o t y
o a us n s an er an e r
A E cyc l p d i
n n fM o d o Am i c e H mo a o e rn er an u r
Th E g li h P hi l o op h
e n sf om B co t M ill s e rs r a n o
Th E e p P hi lo op h f om D c t t N i t h
u ro e an s e rs r e s ar e s o e zsc e
F mo
a usSci c Fi c ti St i en e -
on or e s
G t Ag
rea d Id f
e s an th J w i h P pl e as o e e s eo e
G t C l ic l M y th
re a ass a s

G t T l fT o
re a a es o d th S p t l e rr r an e u e rn a u ra

G t V o ic f th R fo m tio
re a es o e e r a n
M di
e l E p ic
ev a s

T h M t opo lit
e e rOp G id an e ra u e

A N w A tho l ogy fM od
e n Po t y o e rn e r

H d d dO Y E t t i m t
’
O ne un re an ne e ars n er a n en
P odi A A tho logy f om Ch c t B b hm d Aft
ar es : n n r au er o ee r o an er
P hi lo op hi f A t d B ty R d i g i A sth ti c f m
s es o r an eau : ea n s n e e s ro
P l to H id gg
a to e e er

Si t
x e en F mo Am i c
a Pl y us er an a s
Si t
x e en F mo B iti h Pl y
a us r s a s
Si t
x e en F mo E p a P l ys us u ro e an a
S to i c d Ep ic
an P hi lo op h u rean s e rs
Thi ty F mo O A t P l y
r a us ne -
c a s
Th F mo M d N o l B f th F ct FR C I S ILE S
re e a us u r er v e s, e ore e a , AN ,

T t L t C
ren
’
s E C B ENTLEY Th H
as f th
ase , . .
, e ou s e o e

A w A E W M A S ON
rro . . .

Tw l F mo P l y f th R t ti
,

e ve a us d E i g ht h Ca s o e es ora on an een t en
t y ( 66
ur 1 D yd C g0 Wy h l y G y t r en, on re v e , c er e ,
a , e c.
Th W i d m f C th li ci m
e s o o a o s
T h W i d om f C hi
e s nd I d ia o na a n
The W isdom of Israel