LIFE

VALUES
ONLINE
INVENTORY
clarifying your
personal
truth

STEP 5 – SUPPLEMENTAL MATERIAL:

STRESS & EMOTIONAL

MANAGEMENT

The toughest emotions to manage are hurt, fear, worry/anxiety, guilt, anger
and, most recently, boredom. We don’t desire these emotions and they
always seem to take longer than we want to recover from them. How do
we use our values to help manage the emotions of our stressful lives in a
healthy manner?

You can use Your Values Profile (via Step 4) to understand and better
manage stress in your life. For each of these types of stress, supportive
counseling can also be helpful in identifying and developing a plan of action.

Types of values-based stress:

• Stress Within Roles

• Stress Between Roles

• Stress of Managing Too Many Values

• Internal Conflict

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TYPES OF VALUES-BASED STRESS

Stress Within Roles › STRESS WITHIN ROLES
Stress Between Roles You may be experiencing stress because the values you want fulfilled in
Stress of Managing a certain role are not being rewarded. The environment or people in
Too Many Values authority may be preventing you from fulfilling your values or are demanding
Internal Conflict that you spend time and energy on other values. Relief from this stress can
occur only if you try to redefine your responsibilities in that role; develop
other activities that will compensate and allow for the values to be satisfied;
or leave that environment.

› STRESS BETWEEN ROLES

You may be experiencing stress because the time and energy you are
spending on one role is interfering with the time you can devote to other
important roles in which other values are being fulfilled. The challenge
with this type of stress is to accept the importance of reprioritizing your
time and energy according to your values. Unfortunately, this is an exercise
people often do after a tragedy puts life back into perspective; you don’t
have to wait for that to happen. Use Your Values Profile as a starting point
and gradually start making the changes at a rate that feels realistic for you.

› STRESS OF MANAGING TOO MANY VALUES

You may experience stress because you are trying to manage too many
values that you feel are absolutely critical but don’t feel that you are
attending to any of them particularly well. Many lifestyles do not permit
people to satisfy large numbers of values. Relief from the stress comes from
a very difficult shift in mindset: a true acceptance that there are only so
many hours in a day and that the rigid demand you are placing on yourself
is actually getting in the way of fulfilling your values. Reduce your list of
critical values to a number that feels possible with the time and energy you
currently have. You can change this list as your time and energy allow.

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Stress Within Roles › INTERNAL CONFLICT

Stress Between Roles Sometimes our values can be contradictory and cause ambivalence. For
Stress of Managing instance, someone who values Belonging and Independence will have to
Too Many Values manage the stress of attending to both values. Or unresolved emotions
Internal Conflict from difficult life experiences may interfere with values fulfillment. For
example, unresolved fear of failure can interfere with Achievement; unre-
solved hurt from broken trust can interfere with Belonging. Being unable
to act on values that are important to us can be a sign that our typical
methods of coping and support are not enough to work through an important
conflict and that counseling may be beneficial.

Eventually, the need Unresolved emotional issues can also cause values to drift into intense
to be responsible needs. When a value becomes a need, the fulfillment we feel from expressing
to others results in that value starts to be replaced with stress and intensity. This is because we
less responsibility to are over-attending to that “need” at the expense of other important values.
your own health. It is For example, if you value Responsibility you will be motivated to be depend-
important to recognize able and trustworthy. But needing to be responsible is overwhelming because
this pattern, recognize you have to be seen as dependable to everyone in all situations. That need
how this value became can never be completely satisfied, you will live in fear of letting others down,
so intense and how it and you’ll become stressed to the point where you have no energy for other
is negatively impacting values. Eventually, the need to be responsible to others results in less
your life, and slowly responsibility to your own health. It is important to recognize this pattern,
begin the process of recognize how this value became so intense and how it is negatively impacting
putting that value in a your life, and slowly begin the process of putting that value in a healthier
healthier perspective. perspective.

This can be accomplished by courageously and gradually devoting more

time to another important value. At the same time, it may be helpful to
receive additional emotional support because it will feel unsettling and
fearful to devote less time to a value that has drifted into a need state.
This adjustment will feel wrong at first and may cause guilt. Instead, you
need to perceive it as devoting less time to a value in order to more optimally
experience healthy and fulfilling expressions of that value. For example, if
you have over-attended to the Responsibility value and believe it is healthy
to devote less time to it, it will initially feel like you are being “irresponsible.”
Instead, you need to view it as being optimally responsible.

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FILTERING YOUR STRESS

Research and clinical work in stress management highlight two primary
components of stress as it relates to your values.

First: Stress is partly a function of importance. It’s impossible

to be stressed about something that isn’t important to you.

This tells us that there is a valuable part of our stress that we should accept
Part of our stress and embrace. To feel less stress by lowering the importance of something
management is about might feel like too much of a compromise to our values. Therefore, to act
finding that right on things of importance also means that we will feel some degree of stress.
balance between This is a good thing... up to a point. There needs to be a balance point so
accepting the stress that importance doesn’t become critical importance. It’s similar to the
associated with previous discussion of not letting values drift into a need state. If things of
acting on things importance become critical, our stress levels become too high, our fear of
of importance failure becomes excessive, and we are chronically worried about factors
and keeping those beyond our control that are a part of these critically important things. Part
important things in of our stress management is about finding that right balance between
perspective. accepting the stress associated with acting on things of importance and
keeping those important things in perspective.

Second: Stress is often a function of the relationship between

perceived demands and perceived capabilities. When perceived
demands exceed perceived capabilities, we are stressed.

The essential word here is perceived. We often add weight to our demands
because of additional internal pressures. Let’s take an academic example.
I may be taking a test in a class that is a part of my academic major from
a professor whom I would like to write my letter of recommendation for
graduate school. I must do well on this test to get into my preferred grad
school, because it will eventually get me the job I most want and lead to
the quality of life I most want. This test is now determining the next 50
years of my life - overwhelming perceived demands. In addition, perceived
demands and perceived capabilities have an inverse or “see-saw” relationship.

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The more weight I add to the perceived demands, the less capable I will
feel in being able to meet those demands. But let’s say that I choose to
view that test as an opportunity to express what I’ve learned. I go into the
test thinking that I’ve spent time learning and I am going to express what
I’ve learned. I will feel much more capable of meeting that demand, and
paradoxically, do better on the exam because I am truly focused on the
content with an open mind, instead of being distracted by the next 50 years
of my life.

FILTERED APPROACH TO MANAGING STRESS

So, the focus for these two principles of stress management is balance - a
balance of importance and balance of perceived demands. Sounds great,
but how do we actually do that?

Most experts recommend a filtered approach that keeps stress manageable

and in perspective.

This approach is generally described in four steps.

1. Acceptance

2. Problem-Solving & Action Steps

3. Self-Imposed Pressure

4. Coping with Emotional Storms,

Developing Resilience and
Healthy Emotional Self-Management

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FILTERED APPROACH TO MANAGING STRESS (CONT.)

Acceptance › ACCEPTANCE
Problem-Solving Ask yourself if the current stress you feel is acceptable. If it is, then just
& Action Steps go with it. We often go through a crunch period. We know it’s for reasons
Self-Imposed Pressure of value and importance, and we know it’s temporary. It’s during those
Coping with times when we need to be more accepting, not evaluative (judging), and
Emotional Storms, go with it. But we should also keep self-care strategies in place, even if
Developing Resilience
and Healthy Emotional we have to scale them down.
Self-Management
› PROBLEM-SOLVING & ACTION STEPS
If the stress feels too much, ask yourself if you can do anything that will
reduce your stress to a more acceptable level. This is the problem-solving
stage. There is nothing wrong with moving into “fix it” mode when we’re
feeling too much stress. There might be a solution. Use your analytical
mind, reach out to others for their opin-
ions, and if you find a solution, act on it. When solutions to
However, it’s important to keep the solu- reduce your stress
tion within your control. It has to be the depend on things you
process of acting that reduces the stress, don’t control, you will
not whether the outcome works out well. set yourself up for more
For instance, if you have an argument stress if they don’t work
with a friend, one solution is to go and out the way you want.
talk things out with him or her. You must
see just the action of trying to work things out as enough, not whether you
walk away from the discussion having repaired the relationship - because
you don’t completely control that. When solutions to reduce your stress
depend on things you don’t control, you will set yourself up for more stress
if they don’t work out the way you want. One of the best actions you can
do for yourself is to be very purposeful and deliberate in things that you
say “yes” to. Much of our stress is due to over-commitment from saying
“yes” to things that touch our values. We must continually remind ourselves
that we will always have more opportunities than time and energy to give
to them, and we must be very protective of our time. Give yourself a
24-hour pause before saying “yes” to any opportunity and honestly assess
what you are willing to give up if you take on this new thing. These concepts
are discussed in more length in the supplement Optimal Self-Leadership.

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FILTERED APPROACH TO MANAGING STRESS (CONT.)

Acceptance › SELF-IMPOSED PRESSURE

Problem-Solving If you have done all the problem-solving and action steps that are within
& Action Steps your control and still feel over-stressed, then you ask yourself, “Are there
Self-Imposed Pressure any thoughts or self-imposed pressures I am adding to this stress that
Coping with are making it too stressful?” We’ve all had paper cuts. They hurt, but if
Emotional Storms, we ever get salt on a paper cut, the pain gains a whole new meaning, it can
Developing Resilience
and Healthy Emotional be too intense. At times our own thoughts and self-demands add “salt” to
Self-Management our stress and make it overwhelming. It’s important to become aware of
those thoughts, catch them when they occur, and recover by focusing on
thoughts that would be more helpful. These thoughts may be rigid,
demanding “shoulds” or “needs.” For example:

• “Life should be fair”

• “People should treat me with respect and kindness”
• “There should be equity between my effort and the
return I receive”
• “I need to achieve this outcome to feel good about myself ”

Other examples include over-projecting into the future, making broad

conclusions about yourself or others based on a specific event, seeing
everything around you as critically important, and being over-controlling
or rigid as a way of managing fear. These perspectives and others are
described in more detail in the supplement Optimal Self-Leadership.
Become aware of the pressures you are vulnerable to demanding of yourself.
When you feel over-stressed and notice that it’s because of those self-imposed
pressures, catch them by saying:

“Stop. These thoughts are normal for me, but they’re not helping
me right now. What’s one thing I can focus on right now that I
believe would be helpful?”

This helps you catch and recover, and gradually replace unhelpful thought
patterns with more helpful ones. Using the support of a professional to help
you with this process may also be helpful.

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FILTERED APPROACH TO MANAGING STRESS (CONT.)

Acceptance › COPING WITH EMOTIONAL STORMS,

Problem-Solving DEVELOPING RESILIENCE and
& Action Steps HEALTHY EMOTIONAL SELF-MANAGEMENT
Self-Imposed Pressure If you have done all the problem-solving and action steps and are working
Coping with well with your own self-imposed pressure but still feel over-stressed, then
Emotional Storms, your task is all about coping. You are currently feeling stressed because
Developing Resilience
and Healthy Emotional something upsetting is going on, it is normal and worthy for you to be
Self-Management upset. The most typical example is grief. We can be doing everything right
in terms of stress management but still feel awful when we are experiencing
a devastating loss. When we are in periods of our lives when we are reacting
to events beyond our control that are causing us emotional discomfort and
pain, sometimes the challenge isn’t to fix it but to cope and ride out the
emotional storm. There are many unhealthy ways for us to cope with
emotional storms, but there are only a few healthy ways to successfully
navigate them.

HEALTHY FORMS OF COPING

To survive First, we must accept that the limit to the emotional intensity that we can
emotional storms stand is usually a self-imposed limit. We choose to draw the line of what
we must accept is acceptable and unacceptable. When we get close to that self-imposed
and respect that line, we shift into a mode where we are compelled to do anything to make
we are reacting ourselves feel better. This is when we will usually resort to unhealthy coping
to something behaviors that have the power to quickly distract us from the unacceptable
that is real in our emotion. Instead, to survive emotional storms we must accept and respect
lives and that it that we are reacting to something that is real in our lives and that it requires
requires coping coping instead of fixing.
instead of fixing.
Coping is essentially about acceptance and recovery. It’s not until we
respect what we are experiencing that we can authentically work on recov-
ering from it through self-care. If we are functioning at 75 percent because
we’re affected by something, but we demand ourselves to be at 100 percent,
our functioning drops significantly below 75 percent.

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However, if we respect that we are affected and try to work with ourselves
by focusing on values and self-care, our functioning tends to increase. We
all know this is not easy because it goes against our nature.

When we are reacting to something upsetting, our most typical reaction is

to ruminate on three questions:

• What does this say about me?

• What does this say about the world around me?
• What does this say about my future?

These three questions only intensify and stall the storm because the answers
will be filtered through our current emotional state. Instead, we can tolerate
extremely intense emotional states if we focus on respect/acceptance of our
experience, self-care, and committing to something that is congruent with
our values.

WHAT DO WE MEAN BY HEALTHY SELF-CARE?

We have only a few ways of taking care of ourselves when trying to ride
out or cope with an emotional storm:

• Verbal Expression • Take a Temporary Reprieve

From Your Stress
• Creative Expression
• Ask “What else is true?”
• Physical Expression
• Be Appropriately Inappropriate
• Meditative Expression
• Dreaming

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WHAT DO WE MEAN BY HEALTHY SELF-CARE? (CONT.)

Verbal Expression › VERBAL EXPRESSION

Creative Expression We can tolerate and cope better if we can convert our emotional energy
Physical Expression to verbal expression with someone we trust. This form of self-care can
Meditative Expression have many cultural and socialized connotations. Some cultures or socialized
Take a Temporary gender norms can place a utilitarian view on verbal expression: What good
Reprieve From Your Stress is it to talk about something if it doesn’t solve, fix or change anything? Well,
Ask “What else is true?” we find that it helps us cope when we are recovering from something.
Be Appropriately
Inappropriate › CREATIVE EXPRESSION
Dreaming Converting our emotional energy to some form of creative expression is
a helpful form of self-care. Any form of creative expression, such as writing,
making art, playing music, whether we are skilled at it or not, can help
us cope.

› PHYSICAL EXPRESSION
Converting our emotional energy to physical expression can be a helpful
form of coping. It doesn’t mean we have to be in that emotional state the
whole time we’re exercising or that the activity has to be congruent with
the emotion (e.g., boxing while angry). You only have to purposefully
acknowledge that your physical activity is dedicated in part to the fact that
you are affected by something that is real in your life. Physical expression
can also include deep relaxation and breathing exercises.

› MEDITATIVE EXPRESSION
Meditative and spiritual forms of expression/reflection can be a calming
form of emotional management. It fosters acceptance of your current state
and the belief that it is temporary.

› TAKE A TEMPORARY REPRIEVE FROM YOUR STRESS

There is a difference between putting a lid on something (suppression)
and putting it on the shelf. The latter acknowledges that you are aware that
something is affecting you but you need a temporary break from it. You
then engage in distracting activities - watch TV, read a book, hang out with
friends, attend an event, work, study, etc.

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WHAT DO WE MEAN BY HEALTHY SELF-CARE? (CONT.)

Verbal Expression › ASK: “WHAT ELSE IS TRUE?”

Creative Expression When we are coping with an emotional storm, we tend to see everything
Physical Expression through our emotional filter. For example, if we are angry at someone, it
Meditative Expression is hard to see that person from a perspective other than what they did to
Take a Temporary make us angry. Reminding ourselves that there is a broader reality to our
Reprieve From Your Stress current emotion and identifying specific things about our life and our world
Ask “What else is true?” that are not awful can help us cope.
Be Appropriately
Inappropriate › BE APPROPRIATELY INAPPROPRIATE
Dreaming There are times when we need to express our outrage at the difficulty or
pain of our current reality. Finding small ways to protest, rebel, or laugh
at the absurdity of our situation can help us cope. However, this form of
coping requires careful management so that it doesn’t present a risk to us
or others.

› DREAMING
We can’t control this form of self-care, but dreaming is one way that we
process things emotionally. While there are many theories about dream
interpretation, we do know that dreaming is one form of emotional
processing. The next time you remember a dream, try to recall the most
prominent emotions in the dream, and they will usually relate to emotions
with which you are currently coping.

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DON’T TRY TO FEEL BETTER

It is important not to do these self-care strategies with the intent of feeling
better. That is the trap for most of us. We will often drop self-care strategies
during recovery from emotional storms because we don’t feel better after
doing them, especially with things that used to make us feel good. But we
should do them because they help us cope. They serve as a slight wind that
helps move the emotional storm through more quickly; still, recovery from
tough times rarely occurs at the pace we prefer. We have to hang in there,
respect the pace, and commit to self-care strategies because of their right-
ness, not with the intent to feel better.

COMMITMENT TO “SOMETHING” VALUES-CONGRUENT

Finally, after respecting that we are affected, and devoting time to self-care,
we need to do something each day that is congruent with our values.
Whether we emotionally find meaning in it or not when we’re affected, we
can recover when we believe we are still engaged in life in a way that is
congruent with our values. No matter how bad or awful we feel, we can
always do something, even for a minute, toward importance. In addition,
people may combine self-care strategies and their values.
The toughest emotions Coping with a tragedy by developing a cause that strives
for us to manage are to educate and sensitize others is an example of this form
hurt, fear, worry/anxiety, of emotional management. Strategies for values-based
guilt, anger and, most living are discussed further in the supplement, Optimal
recently, boredom. Self-Leadership.
None of us desires these
emotions and they The toughest emotions for us to manage are hurt, fear,
always seem to take worry/anxiety, guilt, anger and, most recently, boredom.
longer than we want to None of us desires these emotions and they always seem
recover from them. to take longer than we want to recover from them. However,
dedicating ourselves to the above principles helps us deal
with them in a manner that doesn’t result in residual guilt
or hurt. Most important, it prevents us from getting into
a pattern of making decisions primarily on the basis of
emotional comfort, a basis that may come at the cost of
our values and seriously impact our integrity and
self esteem.

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Fortunately, these principles of emotional management are complementary.

We can take better care of ourselves when we are more accepting of our
experience; we can be more accepting of our experience if we focus on
self-care and values-congruent behavior. Once the emotional storm has
passed enough to where we can analyze with an authentic integration of
head and heart, it can be a good time for reflection and finding meaning
from the experience that may help us in the future or facilitate growth
and development.

SUPPLEMENT NOTE:
This educational supplement is intended to be a brief, practical guide to complement your
results from the Life Values Inventory. The information stems from clinical and research
experience, and professional literature, but is not reflective of all theories and viewpoints
on this subject. We encourage readers to search professional literature and self-help resources
for more expansive information. We also encourage readers who want to make positive
changes in their lives to consider the additional support of a qualified, licensed professional.
Professional support can help provide an objective, honest perspective within a caring,
trusting environment. Fortunately, such support is more widely accepted today and is
viewed as a means toward greater self-sufficiency, resilience, and personal responsibility.

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