Distinguish productive from unproductive worry.
Ask younelf,
Howto
Overcom
hur
mrfies
eYRoernrL. Leauy
" . . . Sincemost worriesnever
come true, worriersoften are
forced to admit, 'l can't recall
what I was worried about."'
VERYONE SEEMSto worry, yet chronicworiers-those
who worry all thetime-wait a.lrnostl0 yearsto seekout psy-
chotherapy;that is if they ever decideto go. Moreover,they
havebeenhearingbad adviceall the while: You haveto think
more positively, they are told. You should believe in yourself. Why are
you punishing yourself? Do you want to suffer? Just stop worrying. This
is like saying to someone who is anorexic, "Why don't you have a pas-
hy?" The chance that this advice will work is about zero.
So, what are the rules for being a worrier?
o If something bad can happen, then it is your responsibility to worry
aboutit.
a Do not accept any uncertainty-you need to know for sure.
o Treat all ofyour negativethoughtsas ifthey are f,ue.
o Anything bad that could happen is a reflection of who you are as a
person.
a Failure is unacceptable.
o Get rid of any negative feelings immediately.
o Tieat everything hke an emergency.
Now that you know the rules, you can wony every single day of your
life about something that probably will never happen. Congratulations,
you are on the royal road to misery.
Worriers believe that they need to worry in order to be prepzLredfor-
or to avoid- the bad things that are going to happen to them. There is a
lot of excellent research on the nature of worry as well as how to get
control of it. What follows are sevenstepsto conquerthoseworries:
24
"What is the advantagethat I hope to get in worrying?" Worriers believe
that simply having a thought-"I might fail"-means rhar rhey should
worry about it. They think that worry will prepare.morivate. and keep
them from ever being surprised.
If I am going to fly from New York to Rome, productive worry in-
volves action that I can Lakenow. For instance,I can purchasemy airline
ticket and reserve a hotel room. Unproductive worry involves all the
what-ifs that I cannotdo anything about: What if my scheduledtalk does
not go well? What if I get lost in Rome?
Accept reality and commit to change. Researchshows that worriers
cannot tolerale uncenainty.treating it as if it was a sure negative.Ironi-
cally. S5Vaof the things ttratworriers worry aboutturn out to have a pos-
itive outcome.and even when he outcome is negative.79Zoof the time
worriers end up saying, 'T handled that better than I thought I would."
Demanding certainty is hopeless. Instead, look for the advantages of
having some uncertainty. These include noveltS suqprise, challenge,
change, and growth. Otherwise, life is boring.
Along with accepting some reality and uncertainty, we know that
wonlers try to avoid uncomfortable experiences. So, as therapists, we
ask worriers to list all the things that they are avoiding-and then begin
doing these things. The goal is "consfuctive discomfort'' and "success-
ful imperfection." An individual has to be uncomfortableto grow. and
change and success are purchased at the price of imperfection. These
ideas can be quite empowering. Once someonerealizes that he or she al-
ready is uncomfofiable (since the individual in question is a worrier and
probably a little depressed), that person at least can use discomforl to
maKepfogress.
Challenge your worried thinking. Worriers have thought-reatity fu-
sion. The thought processgoes something like this, "If I think I might get
rejected, it will tum out to be true unless I worry about it and do every-
thing to be sure it does not happen." Worries are like obsessionsin this
sense; worriers treat their thoughts like they erlreadyare facts. Typical
thhking errors include mind reading (he thinks I am a loser), jumping to
conclusions (I don't know something, therefore I will fail), emotional rea-
soning ( feel nervous, so things will not work out), perfectionism Q need
to be perfect to be confident), and discounting the positive (the fact that I
have done well in the past is not a guaftrnteeof anything). Worriers also
have sudden-emergency ideas, such as slippery slope thinking (if this
trend continues, things could go downhill in a real hurry) or trap door
mentality (I could make a mistake and my whole life could fall apart).
In response,worriers should challenge and test out their thinking:
What is the worst, best, and most likely outcome? What are all the things
that I could do to deal with a real problem? Is there any evidence that
things could tum out okay? Am I making the same incorrect predictions
that I always do?
Look at the deeper threat. Personality plays a role in the problem of
worrying. People differ from one another in what they worry about.
Some are obsessedabout money; others, health; and, still others, what
society thinks of them. Cognitive therapy techniques help modifi' these
concems. Is there any real advantage in thinking in such perfectionistic
and demanding terms? What would be the upside in cutting yourself a
'
little slack? How about treating yourself like uio-un being?"
Moreover, you can ask yourself what advice you would give a friend,
or set up experiments where you do not ask for reassuranceor act per-
fectly, or you spend time alone (if you think you always need someone).
What will happen if you do not get reassurance?Will it really make any
difference? You also can practice writing assertive statementsto the par-
ent or friend who taught you to believe all these negative things about
yourself. These "messages"do not have to be sent,but it can be helpful
to hear yourself defending your right not to live up to the demanding and
critical views of others.
Turn failure into opportunity. Worriers feel that failure is unaccept-
able-and that everything can be viewed as a possible failure. If you go
to a party and someoneis not friendly, then you have failed. When I was
in college, I had a friend who wrote a term paper for an economics
course. It was a plan for an ovemight mailing service. His professor gave
him a low grade.'This is unrealistic.It will never work," the instructor
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I . -I I ; A
T CD A V JANUARY 2C O 7 25
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