Model Article Improvements

By: Amal Kazi, Owais Khan, Shayan Waseem

Tone and Register

1) Area of Improvement: The writer maintained an informative tone, however, specific
events like ‘JC MUN’ and ‘ROTMUN’ were not well explained to the audience. All
individuals from the audience, which are the students, would be familiar with MUN
terms and abbreviations. This makes the tone less informative and also limits content
point
- How to improve: They could have used non-abbreviated terms and elaborated on their
examples. ‘ROTMUN’ stands for Rotaract Model United Nations which could have been
mentioned once in the start so it was clear to the audience.
2) Area of Improvement: The article had a formal register, however, it could have benefited
from pursuing an enthusiastic tone which would have allowed it to fulfill the required
task.
- How to improve: The writer could have used words and phrases like, ‘exemplary efforts’,
‘incredibly ambitious project’, ‘capable delegation’ etc. in order to convey a sense of
liveliness, as otherwise the tone seems dull. The writer could have also used some
exclamation marks in order to make the article seem more enthusiastic.

Overall Vocabulary
1) Area of Improvement: While the writer has utilized some good words, the vocabulary
could have used more variety as some words seem to be repeated. For example, the name
of the school, ‘Haque Academy’ has been mentioned multiple times, as well as the word
‘participated’, ‘great’, ‘delegation/delegates’, and ‘tough’.
- How to improve: Words that could replace Haque Academy are ‘school’, ‘Haque’, ‘The
Academy’. For the word ‘participated’, words and phrases like ‘took part in’,
‘contributed to’, ‘were part of’, and ‘involved in’ would have more impact and seem less
repetitive to the reader. For the word ‘delegation/delegates’, the writer could have said
‘team’, ‘group of students’, ‘team members’. For the word ‘great’; ‘exemplary’,
‘outstanding’ and ‘exemplary’ would have been suitable replacements. For the word
‘tough’; ‘difficult’, ‘strenuous’, ‘arduous’ and ‘hard’ would have been acceptable
synonyms.
2) Area of Improvement: Some sentences could have been phrased and structured more
efficiently. For example, the first sentence, ‘When a team wins, the entire school wins.’
and 'It was the first experience for most of the delegates in the teams, yet were able to
win the position.’ In this sentence there are grammatical errors.
- How to improve: The first sentence could have been, “Any student achievement is
considered the entire school’s achievement.” For the second example given above, the
 sentence could have been, “It was the first time for most of the delegates, yet we still
managed to earn this position.”

Paragraphing/Organization/Format/Transitional Words
1) Area of Improvement: While there are three clear paragraphs covering each essential
bullet point, the 2nd paragraph is much more extensive than the first and third paragraph.
This makes the article lack balance which contributes to structure issues.
- How to Improve: The writer could have added more points for the other 2 paragraphs,
however since it is already over the wordcount, some points in the second paragraph
could have been summarized. For example, some of the points could have been combined
to, “Head of Council, speaker for MUN and parliamentary debate, as well as delegation
trainer, Zia Noman contributed hours after school in order to guide the students.” This is
much shorter than the 3-4 lines that have been mentioned in the article about this point.
2) Area of Improvement: The paragraphs could have been more cohesive and linked
together. For example, “As a result, all the hard work finally paid off.” This sentence
seems a bit abrupt and either should have been removed or elaborated, meaning, in what
way had it paid off, which has already been mentioned before.
- How to Improve: The paragraph’s structure could have been advanced with better linking
to other paragraphs which would make it seem less abrupt.
3) Area of Improvement: The article could have had a headline and proper formatting with
the writer’s name underneath the headline.
- How to Improve: The headline could have been, ‘Try, try, try and succeed’ (since the task
says that the principal is pleased with the team’s improvement. The date could have also
been mentioned as the task says the school team ‘recently’ won an important competition.
4) Area of Improvement: The writer could have utilized more transitional words between
sentences.
- How to improve: Words like, ‘Moreover’, ‘Additionally’, ‘In fact’, ‘Therefore’, ‘Thus’,
‘Furthermore’, and ‘Nevertheless’.

Bullet Point Elaboration/ Creativity

1) Area of Improvement: While all three content points have been explained as per
requirement, paragraph 2 has been explained far more and contains more points, making
the article unbalanced. The last point only seems to target the benefits to the team
members; the writer could have elaborated more on the benefits to the whole school.
- How to improve: The writer could have explained the 1st point in more detail and the 3rd
point could have added more on the benefits to the whole school including; better name
and image, more opportunities in other competitions and perhaps more student applicants
interested to join Haque Academy’s strong ECP programme.
2) Area of Improvement: The 2nd content point is supposed to mention why they were
successful this year. This is where the writer could have included some creativity.
 - How to improve: In order to add creativity, the writer could have mentioned what was
different this year than last year. For example, “Despite the dedicated efforts of the team
in the previous year, it was unable to achieve its intended goal. After months of after-
school training and improvement upon skills, the team’s hard work has finally proved to
be fruitful in the form of a victory in one of the most prestigious competitions; MUN.”
This would have provided more background to the readers, allowing them to connect.
3) Area of Improvement: The writer continuously refers to the student team as ‘they’, even
though the task specifies that the writer is also a member of the school team.
- How to Improve: The writer could say, ‘It has been an honour to be part of the winning
team.’ or ‘My team members and I are thrilled to present this victory to the school.’
4) Area of Improvement: The writer has not clarified the audience which are the students as
readers of the school magazine.
- How to Improve: Words and phrases like, ‘My fellow students’, ‘Classmates’,
‘Honorable school; Haque Academy’, would have clarified the audience and even
contributed towards a lively tone.
-
Special Techniques
1) Area of Improvement/How to Improve: The writer could have mentioned a personal
anecdote during the competition process. This would have made the article seem more
interesting for the reader.
2) Area of Improvement/How to Improve: The writer has mentioned Zia Noman as an
important figure in the team’s improvement for the competition. The writer could have
mentioned a motivational quote from him in order to break up the monotony of the
paragraphs.
3) Area of Improvement/How to Improve: The writer could have used more literary devices
like metaphors or even hyperboles. The writer could have started the article with a
metaphor, stating that, ‘Success is the top of a mountain and we at Haque Academy have
finally reached it in order to honour our prestigious principal.’