Where does the good go?

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/36751663.

Rating: Not Rated

Archive Warning: Choose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Category: F/F
Fandom: Station 19 (TV)
Relationship: Maya Bishop/Carina DeLuca, Maya Bishop & Carina DeLuca
Character: Maya Bishop, Carina DeLuca, Andy Herrera, Jack Gibson
Additional Tags: Character Death, Parenthood, Tears, Forgive Me, Graphic Description
of Corpses, Blood, Suicide Attempt, Arguing
Stats: Published: 2022-01-29 Updated: 2022-03-29 Chapters: 9/? Words:
43614

Where does the good go?

by Giulia_Rachel

Summary

Where do you go with your broken heart in tow?

And what do you do with the left over you?
And how do you know when to let go?
Where does the good go?

That's a pain no parent should ever feel.

Notes

Not many notes just...enjoy. I'm drama addicted.

Love u all

See the end of the work for more notes

 Chapter 1

"I truly couldn't care less Montgomery." Maya says walking across the barn to get to the rig she's
assigned her team to clean up after the ridiculous call they've been at. It ended up with both trucks
covered in pink dust when a baby shower turned into a family fight for a burned barbecue.

"What's the point of making me clear the rig when I am completely pink myself?" He whines
raising both arms in the air to exaggerate his point.

"Well he's got a point though." Vic retorts at the blonde laughing as Travis tries to push away some
of the dust.

"Let's all just be super happy for the pregnancy and get this over with." Jack finishes earning quite
of a killing look from his Captain. "Yeah, sorry."

Maya runs a hand through her hair and then barks for them to get in line. "I want rig and truck
shiny in two hours tops, no sign of any small grain of pink, is that clear enough?"

"Bishop."

"I said: clear, Gibson?" Starting to get a little restless she points a finger at Jack's direction and
forrows her brows when she notices he's not even looking at her.

"Maya." Travis manages to get her attention calling her by name and a simple gesture of the head
makes the blonde turn around.

There, on the opposite side of the barn, right in front of the entrance door, stands her wife, as
beautiful as Maya remembers her. As she knows her. The brunette gives her half a smile that Maya
can't exchange cause she's frozen, completely glued to her spot. Every fiber in her body tenses as
she has to remember how to breathe, her brain slowly working on deciding how to react.

"Hi bambina." It comes almost as a whisper, Maya has to focus on nothing but Carina's voice to
truly hear those two words. "Can we...talk?"

"Come on guys, there's nothing to see here, let's get to work, these two are not cleaning up
themselves." Andy instructs the whole team, the group walking different ways to get spunges,
brushes, cans and whatever they might need to take that pink thing away.

"I - I'm...wh-when have you..." Maya wants to speak, she wants to ask, she wants to know. She
needs to. Stuttering a few nosense words she decides to sit at the desk and take a deep, long,
carefully balanced breath.

"I just arrived two hours ago." Carina replies already knowing what the full question would be. Her
accent sounds somehow thicker.

"And where have you been?" The blonde whispers another question, hoping Carina would take a
seat cause her neck his hurting at being forced to look up.

"I went home." She sniffles, but Maya isn't entirely sure why, if it's for a cold or the tears she's
trying to suppress.
"I thought I was." Silence lingers, for at least ten excruciating seconds. Maya swallows.

"I needed time to think." The blonde knows her wife isn't trying to justify herself. Carina is too
smart to think that what she did wasn't, isn't wrong.

"You had it?" Blue eyes look away from Carina's brown and close, to stop any tear from falling,
she's cried enough.

"Not enough I'm afraid." The italian admits, her accent truly thicker. Carina's legs start to get tired,
the jet leg having worse effects than she expected. She decides to take a seat on the opposite side
of the desk.
It feels weird. Last time Maya wasn't in the office.

"What do you want?" The question comes, ad harsh as it needs go be, startling Carina out of her
thoughts. Maya's voice is sore, probably for all the yelling, more likely for the tears she's holding.

"I-I don't know. You?" She says that as a question but there's no doubt in her heart, Maya is the
reason why she came back.

"And you think that...just coming back here will, I don't know, solve this?" Blue eyes focus back
on hers and Carina feels Maya's stare carve and travel deep into her soul. They could understand
what one was thinking just by the eyes. She can't now. She doesn't understand what Maya is
feeling.

"I know I shouldn't have left Maya, I know...but-" the blonde interrupts her with words she wishes
she'd never had to hear.

"No Carina. You shouldn't have come back." Maya feels empty. That's how her voice feels like as
the words seem like a stab in her heart.

Carina lets a silent tear fall, no effort in stopping or whiping it away. She nods, Maya's right. She
had no right on showing up at the station after all this time and everything she did.

The alarm goes off for the Aid Car and both women hear the footsteps of running firefighters,
Maya knows it's Vic and Ben cause she assigned them in the morning.

"I know that you don't understand." Carina breaks silence again and Maya purses her lips, nodding
fiercely.

"No you're right. I don't." The blonde states. Truth is, she's doesn't have the energy nor the time to
think about this now. There are reports to fill.

"Maya I - I couldn't stay." Carina tries again. She tries again because she needs her wife to
understand why she left.

"Why? Why? Tell me why." Maya is starting to get angry. Carina senses it from the tone of her
voice and the way her hands are now grasping at each other on the top of the desk.

"I couldn't live in that house I couldn't just stay with you, be with you after what I've done." To
Maya, this doesn't make any sense. Everything doesn't make any sense. She's never blamed her
wife for that, not that she's had the time.

"You blamed yourself when I had no intention to." She mumbles, moving her attention to the
papers at hand, pushing some around the desk. She's nervous, she knows that if Carina speaks
another word she'll snap.
"I blamed myself cause you're too blinded by the love you feel for me to understand that it was my
fault." The italian points a finger at her chest as if it could make her point stronger. Part of her
wishes it could reach her own heart and hold it tight to make it stop feeling that way.

"Dammit Carina for what? For what are you to blame? Tell me at least! Enlight me! Let me be part
of the thoughts that are running in your head!" Maya snaps, slamming both hands on the desk,
making a few pencils fall and sheets fly, her heart beating faster than ever in her chest for the anger
she's trying to control.

"I should've watched him!" Carina's voice breaks in the yell and she lifts from the chair, running a
hand through her hair and walking two steps away.

Maya shifts in the chair and rests on the back of it. She releases her hair from the ponytail and rubs
her forehead.

"You took it off." Carina states. Maya's ring finger is naked.

"What was the reason to keep it on?" The blonde swallows hiding her hand under the other, as if
she's feeling embarassed by that. The ring she's always been so attached to, the tangible symbol of
their love.

"You know I should've watched him. And the sooner you realise it the better it'll be for both of us."
The italian adds and turns back towards her wife, hoping Maya will say something, anything.

"Did you fly all the way here just to say that?" The question comes just as she takes her bag and
walks towards the door.

"The sooner the better." She nods and heads out the door, slowly closing it behind her back.

Carina rests a hand on her stomach and sighs, closing her eyes to gather some kind of control. She
can't let her wife's words cut through her, she knows better.

"Can I have a word?" Andy's voice startles her and Carina is forced to open her eyes to look at the
latina. Tilting her head to the side she sighs once again.

"So that you can remind me what a shitty wife I am?" Carina takes hold of her bags with both hands
and clenches her teeth. She's not ready to face not just her wife's but also her friends' lectures.

"We still have got your coffee upstairs." Andy gives her a tight lipped smile and nods towards the
stairs, to the beanery. Carina knows that place too well, nods and decides to head upstairs behind
the lieutenant.

"So...when did she get her position back? And you? You're back here." Carina takes the cup and
rounds it to warm her hands.

"Just last month, five weeks ago I think it was." Andy sits in front of her, thankful that nobody else
is in the room but still in the barn taking care of the rigs. She decided to wait outside Maya's office
as soon as she heard her yelling.

Carina nods and takes a quick sip of her coffee. "You learned not to burn it." She chuckles.

"I actually never did. You have to blame Jack for that." Andy laughs along a little, turning off the
laughter by taking a long sip.
"How is she?" Carina asks, suddenly incapable of holding her concern.
Andy takes a deep breath before replying.

"We are still trying to understand that." The womens' eyes meet. "She doesn't speak to any of us.
We barely see her even during shifts and then she's just focused on the job and-and nothing else."
Andy clears her throat, Carina can feel she's holding something, tears probably.

"I've never seen her so...shattered, Carina. Why did you go?" The latina can't hold it any longer,
the question lingers in silence for a few seconds as Carina tries to gather her thoughts.

"I killed the only good thing in her life Andrea." The italian's eyes well up with tears and she grips
harder at the cup.

"You were the good thing in her life." Andy retorts, careful to use her words to not make the
woman go away. God knows how much those two have to say to each other.

"And I did something irreparable." Carina locks eyes with her again and her lower lip quiver, she
knows she's close to bursting out crying.

"She's never blamed you for that, you went away even before she could." Shifting on the chair
Andy tries to get something out of her different from the only thing Carina has been saying for the
past four months. They texted once in a while and every single conversation ended the same way:
'I'm not coming back Andy.'

"And you think she wouldn't have? I blame myself for it, do you really think she wouldn't have
done the same?" She's starting to get a little angry now, and anger she's still suppressing for so
long. The cup of coffee is empty already.

"Give her time to say it. If it's true let her say it," Andy sighs and rubs the back of her neck, "but
trust me when I say you won't hear those words leave her mouth." She hasn't been able to talk to
her best friend for at least three months, but she's been watching Maya closely enough to know
everything about her.

"This is something you have to discuss." The lieutenant speaks a few seconds later, standing to get
the two cups away.

The alarm goes off a little later, sending them exactly where Vic and Ben have been called at. The
emergency evolved in a fire.
Andy quickly apologizes and runs downstairs, meeting Maya mid-way to the barn.

"I swear to God if you say something..." The blonde starts jogging towards the truck, now shiny
clean.

"Didn't say anything." The latina raises both arms in surrender and nods, before slipping her turnout
and boots on along with everyone else from the team.

"Ah...were is she?" Travis whispers in Andy's ear slipping the suspenders on his shoulders and
jumping on the vehicle. Cutler is driving in the front next to the Captain, so he's careful with his
words.

"Upstairs in the beanery. I'm truly hoping she'll still be here when we come back." Travis nods in
understanding, he hopes that too. Cause this thing that's happening with two of his favourite people
can't go on much more.
"Four months ago," Carina turns around hearing the voice behind her. "Alana came. She came with
her baby cause they had just discharged her from the hospital and she wanted to absolutely thank
the italian doctor who delivered her little girl." Jack walks through and takes the chair Andy left at
the table in front of the brunette.

"Really?" Carina sniffles to hide away the tears she's been crying.

"I told her you were coming back and to return." The firefighter rubs his forehead and crosses arms
on his chest.

"I am back." Carina knows that is clearly not what he was expecting to hear. The relationship they
created with one another through the clinic project burned away by her actions.

"Are you?" He retorts with a chuckle, knowing the simple presence of Carina in this room doesn't
mean necessarly that she'll stay.

"I'm sorry Jack. I really am." She reaches forward to take hold of his forearm but Jack pulls away.
He's not bottling up feelings, cause it's actually thanks to her that he's learned not to, but he's
allowed to feel a little angry with her, right?

"We worked so hard to set up the clinic and then you just left. Did you really expect it would still
have been here when you came back?" Jack had to shut it down a month after Carina left. Being
the firefighter and not the doctor basically gave the clinic nothing but the face of a safe place
where no treatments could be done. Especially for those pregnant mothers Carina had planned to
help.

"I didn't know how long I'd have been away." It's not to defend herself, it's just to make him
understand that there was nothing planned in what she'd done, driven only by grief.

"Yeah you clearly didn't." He's angry, he's definitely angry. His sight focused in the floor and arms
somehow more crossed than before.

"Are you angry with me or what?" Carina tries to meet his eyes by lowering her head towards him.

"Carina, you left in the middle of the night with no warning and never came back. Have you at
least tried to consider that? Have you thought about it?" He snaps finally looking her in the eyes,
he's disappointed, that's what he is.

"I think about it every second of every day Jack. I will never, ever not think about it." Her voice
breaks and Jack would want to apologize. Despite everything, this woman made him realise things
about himself, needs he had, speaking the simplest words.

"Why not thinking about it with her? You two are a family Carina." So that's what this is about,
again. The italian knows it's true, but she also knows what her heart is feeling, something that none
of them can understand.

"We were a family. Not anymore." She whispers, leaning back on the chair.

"I'm pretty sure he wouldn't see it that way." Jack tries a long shot, hoping it could somehow reach
Carina's petrified heart.

"You have no idea how he would see it. It matters how I see it." She points at herself again, as
fiercely as she did before in Maya's office. "A mother's job is to take care of her own children and I
did not do that. What else do you think should be discussed?"
"Look. They'll be back in a few. Talk to her, but for real. Not just to hear her finally blaming you.
But for forgiveness and - and to be you again." Jack raises from his chair and points at her, setting
up a challenge that makes Carina deeply question herself. "Carina I dare you to say you've been
fine in the past five months."

"I have not." She states. And there's no doubt in her voice, no hesitation in her tone.

"Talk to your wife, don't run away from what happened." He walks out of the beanery leaving the
door slightly open, and so Carina finds herself kind of forced to follow and head downstairs.

The team arrives a few hours later and slams the doors of the truck after they jumped off of it. The
tension doesn't need to be spoken.

"Twelve minutes to turn off that fire is ridiculous. Don't bother showering team." The blonde barks
shutting her own door and taking off turnouts.

"What?" Travis is the first one to whine taking the boots off.

"Oh come on." Ben slams his hands at the side of his exhausted body, Vic and him, though on Aid
Car, ended up going inside the burning building anyway and are just as exhausted as everyone else.

"Complain once again and trust me, you'll regret it." Maya finishes walking towards her office,
ready to run some drills with the team.

"Guys. Stop it. Please." She hears Andy say to them, shutting the side door of equipments.

"Why are you still here?" When she sees Carina still waiting right inside the office Maya has to
hold herself not to yell again at her wife. She didn't know it, but anger has overcome the awful
sense of abandonment she was feeling in these months.

"Maya..." Carina quickly stands from the chair in front of the desk.

"You are so good at leaving, just leave again." The blonde gestures towards the door hoping with
everything she has that Carina will follow her intention and just go cause she's tired, she just wants
to forget it all.

"Can you listen to me? Please, at least just listen." The italian waves her hands around before
slowly lowering them on her thighs. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I left. But let me ask you this." She
takes a deep steading breath and walks closer to her wife.

"What would you have done, if you were the one in that house?" Her eyes are welling up with tears
and Maya feels the uncontrollable urge of holding her tight. But that can't happen, not yet. Seeing
Carina cry though, is the worst thing for her.

"Carina." She whispers cause she needs her wife to stop already, she can't live that again, she wants
to forget it.

"I left the room to get him a snack." The italian continues, steading the sound of her voice but
unable to control the rate of her heart beat.

"Car..." Maya tries again, she truly needs this to stop. Not again.

"And I - I heard the noise and every nerve, every muscle in my body froze. I couldn't even move
I...I only had one job Maya." Carina shakes her head, a silent tear rolling down her cheek. She
knows this has to be said. It's been too long, she's done enough to ruin them and wants, for what it's
worth and for how she can, to fix this. "When you walked in I had just reached him cause I realised
he wasn't crying. And the...the blood was, everywhere. It was everywhere."

"My loves I'm home!" Maya opens the door so fast that it almost flies out of its hinges. She saw her
wife's call while driving home from her shift but was only two minutes away and decided to
decline it.

"Maya!" Carina yells from the living room. The sound pierces through Maya's ears and makes her
freeze. That's not normal, there's nothing normal in that yell.

"Carina?" She lets the back pack fall on the floor and tries to take her shoes off.

"Maya hurry, hurry dio mio." That's when she finally moves towards the room, seeing her wife
kneeling on the floor over something she can't quite see.

"Carina why ar-" her voice gets stuck in her throat when she finally sees why her wife is so
worried. Her child is lying on the floor of the livingroom, right beside the coffee table, which glass
in shattered on the tiles. Blood everywhere.

"I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry, mi dispiace, mi dispiace." Carina is moving frantically, trying to
stop the bleeding with her own shirt staying half naked on the floor. Tears are flowing down her
cheeks at a speed Maya can't even try to see.

"Car what happened?" She kneels down finally, taking her own shirt off. Her head is hurting, sight
blurred and hands shaking. What are they doing? She needs to save him. It's their kid she has to
save him!

"I called an ambulance but I - he's just bleeding I don't know what to do." Carina lets go of the
blood drenched shirt and almost falls backwards on the floor.

"Okay okay let me..." Maya tries to wrap the kid's head with her own shirt, then checks for an heart
beat, anything. She's a first respoder, she's responding, her kid's gonna be fine.

"It's the door!" Carina warns when they hear the bell ring and runs to open it just as fast as Maya
did a few seconds ago.

"Carina what the hell?" It's Andy, along with the Aid Car 23. She had decided to take the call
when she heard the adress and prayes any god in any heaven it weren't her friends in need of an
emergency, she was wrong.

"Andy! Andy come here now!" Maya yells form the opposite side of the door making the latina run
in almost pushing Carina to the side to get to her faster.

"Maya, oh my..." Andy slams a hand on her mouth when she sees her best friend laying on the
floor next to their pale two year old kid drenched with blood, pieces of glass scattered on the floor.

She sets the medical bag on the floor just as the blonde starts CPR on the unconscious body of her
son, moving her head to the side when hair fall on her eyes.

"Get away Maya." Andy pushes her hands away, Carina tries to help her by dragging Maya away.

"Andy no." The blonde pushes foward again, it's her kid the one laying there.

"Please, back off." The latina states again, not angry, just as worried as she can be but with the need
of taking care of him at Maya's place.

"Andy it's my kid!"

"I said back off!" She finally yells, inserting a syringe in the boy's arm and wrapping his head as
tight as she can. She turns towards the door and sees Theo walking in holding the yellow gourney
in his armpit.

"Ruiz get me that gourney now." He runs towards her and helps Andy put the kid on it to lift it and
get back downstairs as soon as they can, through the stairs without even bothering to wait for an
elevator.

"I wanna come with you." Carina says, speaking after what seemed like ten years but were only ten
minutes. She knows it's bed, she's studied enough to know it's bad.

"No. You two get the car and come there. Look at me, Carina look at me." Andy takes Carina's
face between her hands and meets her eyes. She knows both of them are losing their minds now,
but that's not what he needs. Theo loads the gourney on the Aid Car and rounds it to drive, leaving
Andy in the back. "Breathe. And come to Grey Sloan with us." With that she lets go of Carina's
face, watches the lost sight of Maya's eyes towards her son and jumps on the vehicle, making Maya
to close the doors leaving handprints of blood on it.

They stand there for a second, a second long a lifetime. And then Maya turns, whipes away the
tears and jogs to the car, keys already in hand.

"Have you closed home?" Carina asks. But she doesn't care. It's not her problem, she would let
anyone rob their house entirely if it meant their son could live.

"I-I don't know." It takes Maya a second to start the engine and follow right behind the ambulance
at the same exact speed ignoring people's hornes and complains.

When they get to Grey Sloan are faced with a worried Doctor Hayes, warned of the emergency,
standing next to two interns dressed in gowns, ready to take the boy in.

Carina runs out of the car even before Maya has actually stopped, even if they technically can't
stay in the ambulance bay, she knows Bailey won't have anything against it.

"Was he conscious at all after it happened?" Cormac asks as soon as Carina is close enough to
hear.

"No he never regained consciousness." She quickly replies, taking a pair of gloves and intern hands
her and slipping both on. She's going into doctor mode, the only way to prevent her emotions to
flood out of the gates.

"I need to know what happened Carina." The pediatric doctor asks next, as they start wheeling the
gourney inside the ER.

"I-I don't know he was in the livingroom, I heard glass shattering...he likes to jump from the bed,
we've always told him not to cause it's dangerous and he could get hurt but...I think he jumped on
the coffee table." She finishes explaining, the air now completely taken from her lungs.

"Thank you. We'll do whatever we can now." He gently pushes the italian out of the trauma room
they walked in and closes the door. That's not something she wants to see.

From behind, Maya's arms wrap around her and that's when Carina finally takes in the presence of
her wife, the full presence of her wife. Maya is there. She's right there.

"He's gonna be fine. I promise he's gonna be fine."

"Who are we if we can't protect them?" Maya whispers tight lipped, taking a step back, far from
her wife, far from the acknowledgment of it.

"I'm sorry I didn't." Carina wants to try again, maybe take hold of her wife's hand, finally taking the
comfort she's been waiting for, yearning for.

"I said I don't blame you for it." Maya sighs, finally walking fully into the office and sitting on a
chair. "I promised you he was gonna be okay." She graps the arms of it with both hands.

"You couldn't know." You're not a doctor, you couldn't know. Carina knew instead. She knew
from the moment she heard the noise, inside, she knew.

"Neither could you." The blonde looks up with tearfuk eyes, her strong facade threatening to fall.

"I'm sorry I left." Carina sits on the other chair and tries to control her body when it reaches
forward to take hold of both Maya's hands. The blonde doesn't pull away though.

"I'm sorry I made you feel in need of leaving." Maya sniffles, whiping the tears with her shoulder.
She's not ready yet, not yet.

"It wasn't your fault. I decided that. And I hurt you and I'm sorry." She knows that most of Maya's
massive walls have rebuilt. She isn't sure her wife is willing to take them down again.

"Will we ever be okay?" The blonde asks, pulling Carina out of her thoughts. Hazel eyes dive in
blue ones.

"I-I think we will, yeah." The brunette nods, slowly, lovingly, carefully. She doesn't know, she
can't know. Not when their whole world had died that day along with him.

"I want some coffee." Maya interject the lingering silence to change topic, completely overtaken by
emotions but still able to lock them up for a little longer.

"I can make an espresso." Carina nods again, sniffling softly, running a hand through her hair and
standing.

"Yeah, why not." Maya nods along, in silence takes Carina's hand and gives it a gentle squeeze.
Why? She doesn't know. The comfort doesn't feel as comfortable anymore, the love doesn't feel as
strong. But the woman before her is still the one she loves with all of her heart.
"I don't have the strength to do it now." She whispers at Carina, releasing the hold on her hand and
turning towards the door.

"I know." It'll take time, and Carina is willing to give Maya all the time she wants and needs.
"I'm sorry." She adds.

"I know." The firefighter feels like the tension can melt a little, the anger can slightly dissipate, the
heart can beat a little slower and life can return to be a little lighter.

"I love you." Carina finishes, making Maya's eyes widen and fall in her. God only knows how
much she's missed those words. Andrea used to tell them he loved them so much all the time, so
that they would always tell each other only to make sure their kid knew his love was reciprocated.
So that he could know he was born from that same love.

"I love you." She replies, not out of habit, that is long forgotten, but out of an honest sentiment of
hope, hope they're gonna be just fine.
 Chapter 2
Chapter Notes

Since y'all requested it here is chapter two.

I'm reposting cause @Con_N_de_Necia reminded me that Amelia had in fact lost her
child back in Private Pratice so I changed the dialogue a little at the very end of this
chapter.

Thank you so much!

See the end of the chapter for more notes

"Where are you staying at?" Maya asks still looking out the window, holding the back pack on her
lap.

"Oh I booked a room indefinitely at the hotel." Carina nods, changing gear and speeding up in the
main street.

"Good, good. And thanks for the ride." Maya doesn't know why indefinitely, she actually thought
Carina would leave soon.

"Of course." She looks at her right for a split second, quickly focusing back on the road. She has no
intention to leave before all this is actually solved in a way or another. She doesn't expect for Maya
to just take her back, she's thrown to waste the past six years of their relationship in five months.

"I think Vic was happy to see you." Maya breaks silence again. The firefighter actually was, she
hugged Carina tight once she had time to finally be face to face with her.

"Yeah, yeah she was." Carina nods. The italian was actually quite happy to see her too, she missed
each one of them, no doubt.

"After all, you did nothing against her." The blonde states, inevitably sending a shiver down her
spine. That she should've expected. Maya's half silent treatments and digs.

"Oh crap...sorry I-I didn't tell you. I don't live there." The blonde interrupts Carina's thoughts and
points in a different direction from the one she's following.

"What?" Carina is confused, highly confused.

"I moved." Maya whispers, suddenly realizing what she's just said, clearly not in the way she's
planned. Not that she's actually planned anything, cause Maya had no idea if her wife would ever
come back. And is it still right to call her that?

"Wh-when?" The italian's voice shakes her eyes darting around a little searching for a reason why
Maya would abandon their house.

"Four months ago, couldn't stay there." That makes sense though. Carina decided to leave the
whole country, the whole continent, why wouldn't she be allowed to at least leave that house?

"Well, where do I have to go?" She asks next, waiting for directions.
"Turn left here. And then the next right." Maya quickly replies, staying in silence next for a little
while to let Carina process the information.

Andy helped her back then, a lot actually. She decided to move when the calendar showed it had
been a month since the accident. They gathered some stuff in boxes and Maya moved to the house
she had already bought for them.

"Here, the white one." The blonde point at a slightly big detached villa, with a not too big porch but
a visibile yard in the back. A few half dead flowers in the front.

"Not an apartment?" Carina asks, she wonders what would Maya possibly do with all that space.
That's definitely too big for one. A small sense of worry fills her chest.

"I was about to surprise the two of you, with a new and bigger house." She wanted to do that the
night after it happened but... "But I'll probably sell it soon, it's too big for me." Maya states opening
the side door to get off the car, the same old grey Porsche.

"Maya-" Carina tries to get her attention leaning to the side, Maya's head reappears for a moment.

"Thanks for the ride." And with that she closes the door, walking towards the house and
disappearing into it. Carina stays there, frozen, with the car turned on and the sound of the engine
mixing with the ringing fo her ears. New place, new life.

Before driving away, Carina takes the phone and quickly texts Andy, there's somewhere else she
needs to go.

- Do you have any idea if there's a grave somewhere? -

The answer doesn't take long to come.

- Lakeview cemetery. Children branch at the end of the park. Should be fourth from the left in the
third line from the bottom. -

- Grazie Andy. -

- Of course. -

She sighs, far from being ready to go there, but in actual need. She has no idea what Maya did. She
didn't even give herself the time to wait for the funeral, if there was even a funeral. She just left.

Maya turns and rolls and shifts in the middle of the night. Her eyes haven't even closed for the
most of it. She managed to fall asleep at probably 3 AM, last time she checked.
But now she's awake again, turns fully to the side and sees Carina's spot is empty. How could they
possibly even think about sleeping that night? But they were both exhausted once arrived home,
Carina did in fact manage to fall asleep pretty quickly. Or maybe not.

"Carina?" Maya calls for her with her sleepy voice, but no answer comes. She shifts again, rubbing
her eyes and sitting at the edge of the bed. "Car?" She tries again, now standing and walking to the
bathroom, finding it empty and dark.
Walking down the hall to the kitchen or livingroom she calls for her wife once again before yelling
a few curse words when one of her naked feet comes in contact, stepping on it, with a piece of
glass. The coffee table.

"Dammit. Carina?" Her voice raises, she almost runs towards the baby's bedroom to see if he's still
sleeping given the fact she's been yelling around the apartment. She swings the door open but finds
no baby and no wife. Her eyes close when she curses herself for forgetting for a split second.

Her foot is hurting a little and worry is settling in her stomach. Where is her wife?
She walks to the kitchen taking the phone that's charging next to the fridge and dialing Carina's
number. When Maya turns to her left she sees a note on the kitchen table. A yellow stick note.
Carina doesn't answer the phone.
It takes her a second to register what's written on it, the usually elegant handwriting of her wife
looks shaking, confused, wrapped in an instant.

'This is for the best'

Her heart sinks, it sinks and she can almost hear it reach her stomach, which is hurting already.
What's for the best?
Every brain cell stops functioning for a moment but her shaking hands manage to dial Andy's
number.

"Maya is everything okay?" Andy's been alert the whole night, waiting for a call, a text anything
from the couple and here it is.

"I need you to come here." Maya says, her voice shaking, eyes already welling up with tears. She
hopes Andy doesn't ask any question, she doesn't have the strength to say what she's thinking.

"Be there in five. It's okay Maya." She hangs up, leaving Maya in the silence of their empty house,
the pounding of her heart in the chest the only noise filling it.

Andy arrives in a little more than five minutes as promised and runs into the apartment, the door
being already opened. All the light are off except for the little one in the livingroom.

"What's going on?" She asks seeing Maya there, her feautures exhausted and eyes closed,
preventing the tears from falling.

"We need to find her." The blonde hands her friend the little note and Andy reads it, holding a
gasp.

"Where?" Andy asks confused. Is Maya actually thinking what she's thinking? Carina wouldn't do
that, right?

"I don't know...bridges? I mean we don't have a gun." Maya stands from the couch, pacing around
the room, stepping on another sharp piece of glass. That's when Andy notices they haven't cleaned
up anything the day before.

"Okay Maya breathe. Okay? Maybe that's not what she meant with the note." She takes hold of her
friend's shoulders to stop the pacing and allow Maya to steady her breathing. Once that's done the
blonde speaks through.

"You don't believe that either." The look on those blue eyes breaks Andy's heart even more than
the scream she's heard coming from the italian when they received the news.

"Montlake bridge?" She suggests letting go of Maya's shoulders to go get her coat and a pair of
trausers and shoes. She's not going out like that, it's still kind of cold outside.

"Then Evergreen, she likes that one." Maya's voice shakes. Her wife loves that floating bridge.

They get to Montlake bridge and Evergreen, then to all the other bridges they can think of, calling
Ben to know if he remembers others in the middle of the night. Maya decides to go to the port and
ask if Carina Deluca bought a ticket for the ferryboat but they tell her noone went to buy a ticket in
the middle of the night. They head back to the car and climb on it.

"Where else?" Andy asks turning towards her friend. The blonde looks defeated, looking straight
ahead of her. "Maya?"

"Drive to the airport." She states. That's where she can think Carina went. Just away.

"What?" The latina asks just as confused as her friend. This can't be. "Okay, airport." She repeats
once Maya's eyes land on her with a killing and frightened look.

It takes them fourty minutes to get there and Maya sees it before her friend. The grey Porsche
parked right at the entrance of the airport. The blonde runs inside, gets to a box office in a second
and just asks.

"Hello. I was hoping you could tell me if a certain Carina Deluca has booked a plane ticket
recently. I know it should be confidential but I'm her wife." She's worried. She's worried in a way
she doesn't even know could be possible. The feeling of losing her wife too is undoubtedly too
much.

"Ehm...yeah well I don't think I can give you this information ma'am." The man inside replies
almost ignoring her.

"You see...my son just died yesterday so I really need to know if my wife has decided to leave me
or not. Or if she's found a way to kill herself different from the ones I've been thinking." Her eyes
well up with tears but she's not crying in front of a stranger. Not now.

"I- yes she's booked a flight to Italy for 5 AM." He decides to just look through the system. "Do
you want a ticket?"

"What? No...thanks." Maya whispers, all of her securities fading. Carina left. She just left. It's 6
AM now. She didn't even bother taking anything from home, just left. Her son died and her wife
left. She's drained. She's alone.

"So?" Andy asks once she sees her friend slowly walk out of the building, defeated. She knows the
answer even without asking.

"She left." Maya whispers, bringing a hand to her stomach and bowing down to empty its content.

"Maya!"

Carina arrives at the cemetery and walks to the childrens' graves, taking a deep breath. She faces
the names and reaches the one Andy pointed her.
'Andrea Deluca-Bishop

December 3rd 2023 - March 8th 2026

Beloved son, may your light shine on us'

There's a yellow bouquet in front of it, a small layer of dust at the top. Carina carefully whipes it
away with her free hand and puts her flowers next to those already there.

"Hi bambino mio." She softly touches the small picture on the marble and tries to smile through
the streaming tears. That's too much. It's too much. She can't stay here.

"Carina?" The italian turns fast, the voice behind her too familiar to be ignored.

Amelia stands there, carrying a bouquet of bright colorful new flowers in her left hand and holding
Scout's in the other.

"Amelia." She sighs, relieved to see a friend, frightened for what she might say. She fully turns
towards her and gives Scout a thin smile.

"What are you...doing here? Where have you been?" Amelia asks concerned about why her friend
is here. She's tried to call Carina more times than she can count over the last five months but the
italian never picked up.

"I needed time Amelia." Carina tries to defend herself.

"Oh we saw that." The neurosurgeon nods, walking two steps forward, pulling Scout along.

"Look I'm not here to be scolded again." She's tired already. The only reason why she came back is
Maya but everyone seems to be involved in this.

"We come here almost every day. To stop by his grave. Scout still asks about him
sometimes...doesn't understand much about this." Amelia runs a hand through her son's hair and
pulls him closer, sad for what happened to them.

"Are those yours?" Carina points at the yellow dying flowers in front of the grave.

"No I'm pretty sure Andy left them." Amelia bows down to change the flowers with the new ones
she's carrying. "Or maybe Vic." She cleans up the picture and lets Scout touch it.

"You talk about them as if you're close friends." Carina notices. She's noticed how they all
seem...together. And she also knows she's lost the chance to be too.

"Things change in five months, Carina. Not five years yes, but months. Intense five months. We've
tried to be the support she didn't have." Amelia is actually relieved to see her friend again. She's
missed the italian so much. But how could she do that, it's something she still can't quite
comprehend.

"I couldn't stay."

"I know." The neurosurgeon nods, looking away from the picture and back into Carina's brown
eyes. "She's never come here. Just for the funeral but then, never again." She doesn't know why
she's telling Carina this. Maya probably wouldn't want her to know but...she's this kid's mother just
as much and the pain Carina must be feeling deep inside her heart is something Amelia hopes to
never be forced to feel.
"She never came to her son's grave?" The question comes with such an incredulous tone that
Carina thinks she can hear her heart break.

"Are you really trying to find a reason to be mad at her? Her whole world crumbled that day. It's
already a miracle she's no-" Amelia interrupts herself biting the inside of her cheek. Now it's not the
time to talk about that.

"My world crumbled too Amelia." Carina whispers, defeated, feeling so lost in a place she can't
recognize anymore.

"Did it though? Cause you apparently found the strength to run away from this life. She was
willing to get through this. You've told me the Maya you knew wasn't the one you've first met and
then you just did the only thing that could make her believe that any decision she's ever made was
simply wrong." Hearing the sassy neurosurgeon who's never given credit to the firefighter, defend
her wife like this makes Carina understand that thing have truly changed, haven't they?

"I killed my son Amelia." She shakes her head. It hurts too much.

"That was an accident and you know it. Your only fault is that you haven't been willing to face it
with the only person you should've faced it." Amelia points a finger at her, accusingly. She then
takes a long deep breath and gives a final touch to Andrea's grave before looking up at her friend
again. "Wanna come with us?"

Carina is surpised by the question, but softly nods. "Yeah...yeah why not." She whipes away the
tears and adjust the bag on her shoulder before walking ahead of Amelia to the exit.

"What am I supposed to do?" Maya says pacing around the room in her definitely too big house,
Andy sitting on the edge of the bed, arms crossed over her chest.

"You're not supposed to do anything Maya. You can allow yourself to do what your heart feels in
need of doing without having anyone tell you otherwise." The latina tries go reason, running a
hand through her hair before pushing herself back up on her feet forcing Maya to stop and look at
her. She's decided to get there once Maya texted her Carina had driven her home.

"She's my wife!" The blonde almost yells raising both hands in the air for the overwhelming
frustration.

"And do you feel like she is?" Andy purses her lips shaking her head. She's actually still trying to
understand what Maya is thinking.

"I'm never gonna be able to...not love her Andy." Blue eyes well up with tears. Andy thinks it's
kind of crazy how those two still love each other uncontrollably despite everything.

"Let me just be honest with you, can I?" She asks, reaching a hand forward to hold Maya's and
making her sit.
"You've been by her side when her brother died. You've patiently waited and silently supported her
through it all. And she'll always be thankful for that. But what's happened effected both of you. I'm
not going to defent neither you nor her. But she's here now Maya, so you can wether buy her a
plane ticket back to Italy or you can call her and make her come here and talk and just...figure this
out!
You haven't even faced it either and you call me here to tell me it's not her fault and that you still
love her while you still feel guilty for not being able to save him when it wasn't even your job.
You're too angry with yourself to try and forgive her. So just get off your high horse of fault and
wake the hell up!" She yells the final part, before taking in a deep breath, calming herself. Truth is
she loves her friend so much and knowing, remembering what she's been through in the past five
months makes her heart truly ache.
"I'm sorry." She whispers.

"No you're right. You're right I just..." Maya stands from the bed and takes hold of Andy's handa. "I
don't have the strength anymore. I can't do this anymore." She lets a tear stream down her face and
closes her eyes.

"No look at me, hey. You did this. You did it. You can do this again. Give yourself the time to do
this." Andy hold Maya's cheek in her left hand, softly whiping away her tear.

"I'm afraid I can't instead." Broken blue eyes meet Andy's and Maya's lower lip quivers, trying to
control the tears that the memory inevitably brings.

"Hey." Andy says walking into the station, meeting her ex husband at the desk.

"Hey." Sullivan silently looks at her in the eyes and gives Andy a tight lipped smile standing from
the chair.

"Is Maya here?" She asks slipping both hand in the pockets of the trousers and swaying a bit from
side to side.

"Yes she's...I think she's in the gym." He points towards that direction, he's actually seen the
blonde there around half an hour ago.

"Thanks." Andy turns to leave, interrupted a second later by him

"It's good to see you here, even if I wish it were under different circumstances." He's truly missing
her, in a way that almost has nothing to do with romance, but just as a collegue, as a friend.

"Just wanted to check on her you know?" That's the only reason why she's here.

"She did good this morning. We went out on a call and she did great. Beckett decided it was time to
try and let her go inside." Robert explains walking around the desk to be closer as he talks to her.

"Good...that's good. Did Doctor Lewis stop by or...?" Andy heard the psycologist the day before
and Diane told her she'd probably come there to meet the blonde cause in two months she's never
seen her, which is surspisingly worrying.

"She did but Maya didn't meet her. Hopefully next time?" Andy gets suddenly a little sadder. She
truly hoped Maya would.

"Yeah, yeah hopefully." The lieutenant nods before walking away towards the gym.

"Maya?" She talks before opening the door to get inside the room. There she finds only Travis and
Vic, though.

"Hey Andy." The girl speaks, placing her dumbbell on the floor and resting on the beam.
"Vic, hi." She waves her hand in her direction. "Have you seen Maya around?"

"At the lockers maybe?" Vic thinks she's seen her there not long ago, when she changed for the
gym.

"Yeah we saw her there earlier. You know, she doesn't spend much time here with us so..." Travis
speaks once he regains control of his breathing after the treadmill stopped.

"Can we blame her?" Vic retorts.

"Nope." Travis pops the 'p' before starting running again, whiping the swear away from his
forehead.

"Well thanks guys. I'm just gonna go check on her." Andy points out of the room and says
goodbye.

She walks around the station, to the barn, the turnout room, beanery, locker room twice but there's
no sign of the blonde. That's when she thinks about the roof and heads there. Opening the door to
look outside.

"Maya wha-" the blonde is stading on the edge of the roof, looking down, turned towards the void
of the street at least fifty feet down.

"Stay back." The blonde speaks barely turning towards her friend but raising both hands in her
direction.

"Maya..." The latina takes a quick step forward, stopping immediately when Maya's feet move a
little closer to the edge.

"Andy, I swear to God." Maya threatens with bloodshot eyes.

"Okay okay, I'm staying back. Just- get off of there come on, you're scaring me." Andy tries to
smile, to turn this situation into a ridiculous one. She knows she shouldn't but her heart is beating
way too fast to be reasonable.

"You know what I used to think of to fall asleep since I was little?" Maya fully turns towards her,
tears streaming heavily down her cheeks as she tries to control her breathing. Andy shakes her
head, careful with every movement as her feet slowly slide towards Maya. "Clouds. I used to think
about the clouds, picturing them in my head so that I could sleep at night. Cause they're soft. They
must be so soft." She nods, biting her lower lip.

"Maya-" Andy's voice raises, her hands held up to make sure Maya stays calm.

"You know, I don't blame him...for dying. I mean, who the hell would want to live in this world
right?" She shakes her head, a nervous laughter leaving her lungs. "Nobody's faithful, loyal,
nobody is willing to be supportive or to mantain promises that should be worth a life. I don't blame
him." She counts on her fingers, looking up at the sky to stop the tears.

"Maya I-" Andy takes another single step forward, she needs to pull her down.

"Stay, back." The blonde threatens again, another inch backwards, her left heel senses there's not
the ground under it.
"Maybe that's the only way you know? I relied everything, literally everything on the love I felt for
him and for her and now it's just not worth it anymore." Another inch.
"Don't say that." Andy tries to control her own tears, failing. Maya is living a pain she can't even
imagine. She can't compare to any other.

"I'm alone, Andy. I'm all alone. I wake up in the morning and my bed is empty. I set up breakfast
for three before I realise that there's just me eating it. I yell have a good day before leaving home
and nobody answers and there's no kiss to greet me when I come back because my son has died and
my wife decided that I'm not worth staying." Maya cries, the sobbing makes her whole body shake,
closer to the fall. "What is the point?" She raises a hand towards Andy before letting in slam on her
thigh.

"What the hell is going on here?" Ben walks from the door and sees the blonde standing up there,
his heart sinking in the pit of his stomach.

"Ben-" Andy warns him without looking away from the blonde.

"Maya what are you doing?" He asks walking a few steps towards the blonde lieutenant, thinking
and hoping this must be some kind of joke.

"Hey hey hey, stay back. Don't come any closer." She's serious, she's serious in a way that makes
Ben's blood run cold in his veins.

"She's been drinking?" He whispers towards Andy when he notices the few empty bottles of beer
on the side of the table.

"I-I don't know I don't think so." Andy remembers Vic calling her the night before to tell her she
was drunk cause they stayed at the station even though their shift was already over. That was at
least ten hours ago. But Maya doesn't drink like that, she never did.

"Come on Maya. Don't joke. Get down come on." Warren tries to reason, tries to keep the mood
lighter and make her willingly walk down.

"I'm not joking, Ben." She warns again, another inch backwards. Her heart pounding in her chest
and breathing getting heavier and heavier.

"Maya..." Andy speaks again, trying at least to make something up to make her walk down.

"It's not worth it." The blonde interrupts her.

"And is it worth dying instead?" Ben says, worry settling in his stomach. He's already done this. He
can do this, Maya's a friend.

"It'll feel softer, better." She whispers slowly turning back to face the street under her.

"You don't know that. In fact I'm pretty sure Andrea wouldn't want to be." Ben speaks again, as
slowly as he can without scaring her now that she's giving them shoulders.

"You don't know that." He hears her say, barely.

"Do you really think he prefers clouds instead of his mother's hugs?" Does it really matter? She
can't hug him anymore anyway, that doesn't make any sense.

"I can't give him that here. I could there though." Touchè. He rubs his forehead, allowing Andy to
step in.

"Maya." Andy starts, walking another step forward now that the blonde isn't facing them anymore.
"She left me." The way Maya says it makes Andy's heart break again. Her friend sounds absurdly
empty.

"I know, I know she did. But how do you know she's not coming back already today?" She needs to
make her reason. This can't just end like this.

"She hasn't in the past two months." This doesn't make any sense. Maya can't do this.

"She needed time. Look. If she came back and would find you here, standing there, what do you
think she would do?" Ben finds the light and takes advantage of it. Maybe it can work. Maya seems
to walk backwards, a few inches away from the void.

"She'd tell me not to." The blonde reasons.

"She'd tell you not to." He repeats, careful to each word.

"So listen to us, please. We're telling you just the same Maya. Don't do that." Andy finishes, finally
seeing a spiral of light, walking the two final steps forward just as the blonde's weak body falls
behind, in Ben's arms.

"Oh my god." He says, keeping her whole weight in between his arms and holding her as tight as
he can as Maya cries all of her tears.

"I've got you, it's okay. I've got you." Andy whispers, rubbing Maya's arms and back and face,
running a hand through her hair, tears streaming down all of their cheeks.

"I've got you."

"I didn't know that." Carina whipes away her tears and takes a long sip of cold water.

"Yeah you don't know anything of what happened since then." Amelia sits next to her once the
coffee is ready and hands Carina her small cup.

"I-I need to find her." She's shoked. This wasn't planned, none of this was planned especially not
her wife's attempt on taking her life.

"No. You don't need to find her now. You need to understand what's going on in your head first."
The neurosurgeon leans towards Carina to speak, as if it could make her point stronger.

"She tried to kill herself Amelia." Tears well up in the italian's eyes but she manages to control their
flow. She's probably already cried half of the water contained in the human body and she surely
can't afford more.

"We know Carina. We were there. Where were you instead?" The taller brunette senses that
Amelia is getting angry. An anger that doesn't have anything to do with rage, probably an actual
sense of worry for the blonde.

"I really can't do this." She hasn't considered or thought about anything regarding her decision of
leaving and surely doesn't intend to do it now either.
 "I don't understand why though." If only Amelia knew how many things Carina can't understand
for her own part. There's too much that still needs to be discussed, but not with her. It still hurts, it
hurts too much.

"Amelia please. My son died. Il mio bambino. Would you have been mentally sane if that
happened to you?" Carina hears the pounding of her heart and feels her head starting to spin.

"That happened to me, in fact. I definitely lost my mind and truly thought about killing myself. But
you did something different. How did you think you could get through all this by leaving?" Amelia
remembers well enough when Maya asked her that. She came running in her office that same
morning, when still noone had seen the couple except for Doctor Hayes and Amelia herself, who
tried to save the little boy in surgery. She's never felt so guilty in her life for losing a patient.

"Maya deserved more." Carina whispers, rubbing the tip of her nose.

"Maya deserves you." Amelia retorts, carefully inching closer to hold Carina's hand. "You need to
understand what's happening in your head and then go, straight to her place and yell and cry or
have sex I don't care. But this is not just a fight over who got the highest score in the test or on how
to properly do the laundry. You said that yourself. You've lost your child. You had a wonderful
baby boy to hug and play with every morning for two years and now he's not here anymore. I'm not
telling you to get through it. I'm telling you to acknowledge it."

Chapter End Notes

Let me know what you think and sorry for the tears.

Giulia_Rachel
 Chapter 3
Chapter Notes

Hope you enjoy. Just get tissues. I'm warning you.

See the end of the chapter for more notes

"Carina, Maya." Doctor Altman speaks walking into the chapel where she knew she would have
found the couple. The Deluca-Bishop are wrapped in each other's arms seeking a comfort that
seems impossible to reach.

"Oh my god, how is he?" Carina asks as soon as Teddy's voice reaches her ears standing from the
pew. Her eyes are incredibly swollen for all the crying.

"We managed to mostly stop the bleeding, but the situation is critical. He's under CT now with
Amelia. But we surely are going to have to bring him to surgery." Carina knows Doctor Sheperd is
good and that they can fully trust her, but the idea of having her son's skull explored so that he can
have a chance to live breaks her heart in a million pieces.

"Oddio..." The italian brings a hand to her mouth and sits, almost landing, on the pew where she
previously was.

"Look I...there's no easy way to say this. But you two stick together okay?" The blonde doctor
suggests nodding in Maya's direction before walking away.

"Teddy-" the question lingers in the air but the surgeon knows exactly what Maya wants to ask,
wants to say. She needs her baby to live.

"I'm sure she'll do nothing but her best."

"Come in." The Captain calls placing the papers she was reading on top of the desk. The door
makes an uncomfortable sound.

"May I?" Ben's head appears with a soft smile. He fully opens the door and walks in.

"What's up Warren?" The blonde asks a little bit annoyed. She knows exactly where this is going to
go.

"I'm here as Ben this time." As suspected he takes a chair and sits on it, ready to pull something out
of Maya's head.

"I have to admit...it surprises me. You held on for 21 hours before coming to talk to me." She
nervously chuckles, far from being ready to talk about this with anyone other than Andy. Ben and
her best friend though are still the only ones who know about the roof.
"Just here as a friend, I promise." He repeats, wanting to make sure Maya knows he's not here to
judge. He reaches forward to place elbows on the desk.

"I have no doubt about it." She does just the same, her blue eyes surrounded by dark bags, sign she
hadn't slept the night before.

"How are you holding up?" He tries to sound as honest as he can, wanting to avoid any bad
reaction. He truly cares though, and knows there's just Andy and him taking fully care of her in
there.

"I am really trying to think she's not actually here." Maya says, running a hand through her hair,
shorter than ever falling loosely around her neck.

"And why is that?" Ben asks.

"You think I should forgive her right?" The Captain asks with an annoyed tone, already knowing
the answer.

"I honestly don't think anything. But..." He points a finger at her.

"There's always a but." Maya shrughs.

"I mean...you're not the only one who lost her child. Maybe you should try to understand what she
is feeling? I'm sure she would have given anything to process them with you." He raises from the
chair, resting his with on the desk for a second.

"I'm not the one who decided to leave though." Blue eyes focus on him, making sure he knows.

"And you're not even the one who eventually came back." He finishes, walking towards the door to
open it. "Think about it." And with that he leaves.

Maya nods once the door has closed and rests on the back of the chair. She closes her eyes and
pushes the head back, groaning nervously, her hands clenched in fists.

"Andy." She yells once standing up and opening the door.

"Yeah?" The latina's reply comes from the barn as she jogs towards the entrance in front of the
office.

"Can I leave you in charge while I'm gone?" Maya knows a simple look is enough to make Andy
understand what she's talking about. The latina nods.

"Where do you think she is?" She asks, cleaning her hands in the rag she was using to clean the
insides of the truck.

"I'm pretty sure someone knows." The blonde nods, leaving the office with her jacket on, still
wearing the work uniform.

"Just let me know if you're coming back or not." Andy replies walking inside the office.

"Of course." The Fire Captain pulls her phone out of her pocket as she heads to the car, dialing a
now too familiar number.

"Amelia hi. Hope I'm not disturbing you I just...do you have any idea where Carina is staying at?"
She opens the door and starts the engine just as the neurosurgeon replies on the other end of the
phone. "Great, thanks." She waits for Amelia to finish asking her inevitable question before
actually starting the car. "Yeah no I'm just giving it a chance you know?" She rubs her forehead
and sets the car in reverse. "Of course, thanks again, bye."

Once done with the call, Maya sets the app to head to Carina's hotel and leaves the station.

A knocking at the door forces the italian to get dressed quickly in her robe, she's ordered dinner
just ten minutes ago which is why she got caught a little off guard, thinking she'd have to wait a
little longer.

"I'm coming I'm coming." She runs to the door opening it, expecting to find her food on the
opposite side.

"How- Maya." To say she's surprised is definitely an understatement.

"Can I come in or..." The blonde points inside, holding a bag of Carina doesn't know what in her
hand. She can see Maya is nervous and seeing her wife in just a robe isn't helping.

"Yes yes, please." Carina gestures for her to walk in and closes the room door. Maya thinks the
place looks pretty nice, living in the city she's never been to any hotel in Seattle.

"Thanks." She whispers, taking the jacket off and placing it on on of the chairs that surround the
table.

"Sorry I was just waiting for my dinner." The italian points at herself as she tries to recollect the
thoughts running in her head.

"At this time of day?" The firefighter gives a quick look at her watch. She hasn't eaten today but
still is pretty it's a little too late for dinner. Maybe it's the jet leg, she thinks. In Italy should be 11
AM or something...lunch time maybe?

"You americans are the ones that have dinner at 5 of 6 PM. The rest of the world eats at a normal
time of day, which is this one." Carina chuckles trying to explain her reasons. Maya nods.

"That never bothered you though." The fact that they haven't yelled at each other yet makes Maya
think this might be going in the right direction. She shakes her head.

"Well I wasn't eating on my own." Carina shrugs. God does she miss their time together. How
crazy must it seem now, two married people being complete strangers to one another.

"Look I...I can come back another time when you're not about to have dinner so that-" Maya points
and heads to the door, suddenly thinking this is a very bad idea.

"We could share. I bet you haven't been eating yet." The italian pulls a chair from under the table
so that Maya can sit as they wait a little longer for dinner to arrive.

"I guess...alright." Maya nods, taking the seat and running a hand through her hair.

"I like your hair this short." Carina noticed immediately the day before how short they are but
didn't think it was necessary to point that then, when she had literally just walked back into Maya's
life after five months.

"Thanks." Blue eyes meets brown ones and Maya has to shake her head to bring herself back to
reality and looks around the room.
"Isn't this place a little too expensive?" She asks. Being a doctor, money are definitely not and
actual problem for the brunette but Maya wonders if this might be a little too much.

"A little yes but..." Carina lowers her head and fidgets with her rings. She has to hold a little gasp
when she's reminded of how they always got stuck in her baby's curls.

"You were hoping I would invite you back home?" Maya asks suddenly, taken aback by the
possibility Carina might have considered. There's no way this is going to happen.

"No. I actually thought you would tell me to just go back to Italy and never come back so..." The
italian defends herself, looking back up into Maya's blue eyes. Did she look this broken even the
day before?

"If I'm the only thing that's keeping you here then we can solve this now. So that you can choose
what to do next." Both of Maya's hands intertwined rest on the top of the table, clenched in one
another.

"What do you want to know?" Carina swallows, the huge lump already forming in her throat ready
to explode sooner of later. She knows Maya needs to know, she knows she needs go process all
this.

"What have you done, all this time? Where have you been?"

"Signora, signora. (Ma'am, ma'am.)" The hostess wakes Carina up when she sees the woman still
asleep on the plane. "Siamo atterrati. (We've landed.)" She gently pats Carina on the shoulder.

"Oh thank you. Grazie." It takes Carina a second to register she's not supposed to speak english
anymore. Walking out of the Place the sun shines on her and the place surrounds the doctor in its
all too familiar italian culture.

"Buongiorno, ha bisogno di una mano con i bagagli?" A nice taxi driver comes close to her,
suggesting to help. When the woman watches him with confused eyes he thinks she might need
him to talk in a different language. "Your suitcases? Do you need any help?" He points at the bag
Carina arranged before leaving Seattle the night before, twelve hours ago.

"No, no grazie, riesco a portarli da sola. (No thank you, I can carry them.)" She thanks him, trying
to plaster a smile on her face as she already looks around for someone else.

"Ah quindi è italiana. (Ah, so you're italian.)" He understands.

"Si, si." Carina nods, trying to take in the perfume of the sea and sound of seagulls.

"Bentornata a casa. (Welcome back home.)" He smiles, before walking away to ask another client
if they might need help.

"Grazie."

Carina pulls the bag carefully on her shoulder and runs a hand though her scattered hair. She didn't
have the time to think about it much till now. Turning at her right when she hears her name being
called, the italian sees her ride waiting by the road. Jogging in her direction she wraps her arms
around the other doctor.

"Gabri." Carina whispers in her friend's ear, holding her tight to let the comfort carve in. Doctor
Aurora moves a strand of her hair out of the way to say something but Carina interrupts her.

"Non dire nulla, ti prego. (Just don't say anything, please.)" Carina says, making sure the question
doesn't get to be asked.

"Sali in macchina, forza. (Get in the car, come on.)" Gabriella speaks once they break the hug and
walk to the driver's side. Carina climbs on a second later and they leave the airport.

"Dove mi porti? (Where are you taking me?)" Carina asks, suddenly feeling extremely tired. She
knows home is a little too far from Palermo and that she'll probably have the time to sleep.

"A casa mia. L'ultima cosa di cui hai bisogno è vedere tuo padre. (My place. The very last thing
you need is to see your father.)" Gabri wants to make sure this time doesn't get any harder for her
best friend and so decides that taking Carina to Catania is the best choice.

"Vorrei dormire un po', se per te non è un problema. (I would like to sleep a little, if it's not a
problem.)" Carina whispers, her eyes already closing for the lull of the ride.

"Tutto quello di cui hai bisogno, tesoro. (Whatever you need, honey.)" Gabri reaches her hand and
gives it a gentle squeeze, Carina eyes fully closing.

"Grazie." She manages to say a second before falling asleep.

"Posso farti la tanto temuta domanda che stai cercando di evitare da ore? (Can I ask you the
dreaded question you've been trying to avoid for hours?)" They arrived an hour ago and Carina
took herself the time to have a shower and change into more comfortable clothes, eating something
for starters.

"Onestamente quello che vorrei ora è buttarmi giù dalla finestra. Ecco come sto. (Honestly, what I
wanna do right now is jump out the window. That's how I'm feeling.)" She replies taking a long sip
of her espresso, missing the hot true flavour. Her eyes close again, before being forced to open
when she sees something behind her eyelids. Memories that need to be cancelled for a little while.

"Perché Carina? Perché te ne sei andata così, nel bel mezzo della notte? (Why Carina? Why did
you leave like this, in the middle of the night?)" Gabri asks, truly worried for her friend but
especially for what she left behind. This isn't the Carina she knows, who runs away from things.

"Come posso guardare ogni giorno Maya in faccia senza ricordarmi solo e soltanto di quello che è
accaduto? (How am I supposed to look Maya in the eyes without coming back always to what
happened?)" They finally look at each other in the eyes and Carina's are red for the effort she's
putting on not crying.

"Non ti sei neppure lasciata la possibilità di provarci però. (You didn't give yourself the change to
try either, though.)" Gabriella retorts taking hold of Carina's hands that are warming around the
cup.

"Mio figlio è morto Gabri. Io mi sono distratta e mio figlio è morto. (My son died, Gabri. I
distracted and my son died.)" Her lower lip quivers, the gates slowly opening. She sobs once,
Gabriella immediately reaching to hold her.
"Lo so. (I know.)" She wraps her arms around Carina and runs a hand through her hair.

"Oddio Gabri. Mio figlio è morto. (Oh god, my son is dead.)" Carina fully sobs, her body shaking,
her bones hurting. She really can't do this.

"Lo so bambina. Lo so." A few tears stream down Gabriella's eyes. The pain her best friend must
be feeling so extraneous to her.

Carina stops crying about fourty minutes later and Gabri guides her to bed, making sure to let her
sleep a little longer, with no sun shining through the window.

"Pensi di poterti alzare? (Do you think you can get up?)" Gabri asks sitting in the side of the bed.

Carina has been staying there for the past three days, barely eating and drinking nothing other than
water. Seeing her friend like this makes Gabriella's heart ache, and regret for her the decision she's
made of leaving.
Carina shakes her head at the question.

"Okay. Va bene puoi restare. Solo, cerca di mangiare qualcosa d'accordo? (You can stay. Just try to
eat something, alright?)" Gabri runs a hand through her hair and places a little bit of pasta on the
bedside table.

"Non l'hai chiamata vero? (You haven't called her right?)" Gabri asks slightly opening the curtains
to let the light in.

"No." Carina grumbles under the sheets, covering her face with them from the sun.

"Vuoi farlo o...? (Do you want to or...?)" Gabri returns back to the bed, pulling the sheets down,
seeing Carina's face stained with tears.

"No." The OB shakes her head and dives back under the sheets.

"Carina." Her tone lets Deluca think she's gonna do it on her own and she has no intention to have
Maya know anything about where she is or what she's done.

"Non ci provare. (Don't you dare.)" Carina speaks, pulling the sheets back down to make sure her
best friends sees the killing glare on her face.

"Pensaci tesoro. (Think about it.)"

"Nothing else?" Maya asks. She thought something huge had happened in Italy, some secret Carina
would have to eventually talk to her about.

"I stayed in that bed for days and-and..." She knows she'll have to say that. And it's now or never.
That's the only thing that happened and hasn't got anything to do with Maya or her friendship with
Gabriella

"And?" Maya tries to push her a little, reaching her hands forward to meet her wife's brown eyes.
"Carina?"

"We kissed." The italian whispers. And Maya knows exactly who she's talking about but asks
anyway.

"Who?"

"Attenta. (Watch out.)" Gabriella warns closing the door behind them as Carina stumbles into the
apartment.

"Hai bevuto più di me! (You drank more than I did!)" Carina laughs out trying to walk towards the
kitchen to lean on a chair and steady herself.

"E evidentemente reggo meglio. (And apparently it doesn't have the same effect on me.)" Gabri
joing her friend and sits right in front of her after taking two glasses of cold and needed water.

"Più di me di sicuro. (Worst for me for sure.)" Carina laughs taking a long sip of water, feeling it
flow in her body refreshing her whole.

"Carina stai attenta. (Carina be careful.)" Gabriella laughs when she sees part of the water fall out
of the glass and out of Carina's mouth.

"Sai, sai cosa mi ha detto Maya subito dopo il parto? Mi ha detto che mi avrebbe accompagnata a
prendere la mia prima sbronza non appena Andrea avesse imparato a prendersi cura di se stesso.
(You, you know what Maya said to me right after the birth? She told me she would have brought
me to a bar to get drunk as soon as Andrea learnt how to take care of himself.)" She chuckles. They
never did that eventually.

"Beh direi che è andata diversamente. (Well I'd say that went a little differently.)" Gabriella laughs
along, emtpying her own glass.

"Già, lui è morto quindi. (Yes, he died so.)" Tears preak at the side of her eyes, her left hand
clenching around the glass.

"Carina." Gabri turns serious, trying to reach forward for her friend's hand to give it a gentle
squeeze.

"Grazie, per la tua compagnia. (Thank you, for keeping me company.)" Carina nods, trying to
somber herself to seem at least a little honest. She really is thankful for what her friend is doing for
her.

"Cerco solo di starti accanto. (I'm just trying to be by your side.)" Gabri nods, gently pushing
herself foward.

"Stai facendo molto di più e lo sai. (You are doing much more than that and you know it.)" Carina
assures her. She has no idea where she would be right now if Gabri hadn't been by her side the past
few months.

Gabriella inches closer to her, gently pushing Carina's chin up to look her in the eyes, her sight
falling down to her lips as she bends forward to place hers on Carina's.

"Gabri, what the hell?" The OB instantly pulls back, almost falling from the chair, a confused and
frustrated look on her face. What the hell is she doing?

"Mi dispiace, mi dispiace Carina scusa. (I'm sorry, I'm sorry Carina I'm sorry.)" Gabri pushes back,
standing from the chair with her hands raised in the air, apologizing as if her life depends on it.

"Ti stavo ringraziando non facendo una dichiarazione d'amore! (I was just trying to thank you not
declare my love to you!)" Carina yells, standing too from the stool and walking two steps
backwards, as far as she can from Gabriella, feeling as if she's been giving signs that she wanted
this to happen.

"Mi dispiace. (I'm sorry.)" Gabriella defends herself, rubbing her forehead feeling embarassed for
what the alcohol made her do.

"Io amo Maya, va bene? Amo lei. (I love Maya, okay? I love her.)" Carina tries. She tries really
hard to hang onto those words.

"Non sono certa che tu abbia saputo dimostrarlo. (I'm not sure you've proven that.)" Gabri retorts,
shaking her head a little angrily.

"Che cosa stai cercando di dire? (What are you trying to say?)" Carina tries to control the rage
building in her stomach. She lives Maya and Gabri has no right to say otherwise.

"Perché te ne sei andata Carina? (Why did you leave Carina?)" Her friend asks, her tone filled with
a little bit of disappointment.

"Non lo so. (I don't know.)" Carina starts pacing around the livingroom, letting the purse she was
carrying, fall on the floor.

"Lo sai invece. Lo sai bene. (You know instead. You know it pretty well.)" Gabri pushes her
friends so that Carina can finally let it out, tell her whatever she's feeling, whatever is going on in
your head. Carina is not the one who bottles up her emotions, she's never done it so Gabriella can't
quite understand what's going on now.

"Ho paura! (I'm scared!)" Carina finally yells moving her arms around and turning towards her
friend, the effects of the alcohol subsiding fully.

"Paura di cosa? (Of what?)" Gabri manages to push it again, recieving an answer that breaks her
heart in two.

"Di perdere anche lei! (Of losing her too.)" Carina yells again, the tears finally spilling out of her
eyes when the gates open, her whole body shaking in sobs. "Ho paura di perdere anche lei! Di
perdere tutto quello che abbiamo e invece andandomene non ho nulla da perdere! Se resto qui, la
mia vita là non esisterà più e non avrò più nessuno da perdere! E allora starò bene. Starò bene. (I'm
scared of losing her too! Of losing everything we have and instead by leaving I've got nothing to
lose! If I stay here, my life there won't exist anymore and so I'll have nothing more to lose! And
then I'll be fine. I'll be fine.)"

-
"Carina you..." Maya whispers, suddenly breaking the uncomfortable silence that has created once
carina finished talking.

"I know." The italian interrupts her, lowering her head further down, hiding from her wife's eyes.

"No you don't." Maya shakes her head, trying over and over again to meet Carina's eyes to speak
her own part. What she's witnessing here is a vulnerability she hasn't witnessed ever before, not
even as after Andrew's death.

"What?" The brunette asks, keeping her eyes down.

"You...look at me. You are never, ever going to lose me." Maya's voice sounds so calm and loving
that Carina's tears start streaming down her cheeks again as her eyes finally meet her wife's.

"Maya-" she tries to speak. Maya doesn't need to say this just-

"I need you to listen to me." The blonde takes hold of her wife's hands a d rubs at the back of them
with her thumb, trying to hold her own tears. "You're not losing me. I promise you're not." She
shakes her head.

"You don't know that." The italian retorts, she knows too well how this world works, promises
cannot be kept.

"I swear to you Carina. I'm always, always coming back to you." Her tone is so serious that the
italian can't help but believe her. Every tensed muscle relaxes and the tears stop. She sniffles and
dives into Maya's ocean eyes.

"How?" She asks a few moments later, finding the sudden strength to carry on with the discussion.

"How what?" The firefighter asks, not sure what her wife wants to know. Cause if she wants to
know how Maya plans on keeping her promise, the blonde has no idea. She has no idea. Her job is
dangerous, the world is dangerous. It's not a place for promises.

"How can you forgive me for this?" Carina asks, breaking Maya's heart, her body tensing again.

"For what Carina, why do you need forgiveness?" She doesn't understand why her wife is blaming
herself like that. She knows it's not different from what she's feeling though. As a first responder
Maya knows she should've been able to do much more than wrapping his head with a shirt.

"I killed our bambino Maya." Carina shakes with sobs, the sudden urge to be held by the woman in
front of her finally reaching the surface in time for Maya to stand from the chair and hold her tight.

"You did not. You did not Carina you didn't." She whispers in her wife's ear, placing soft kisses on
her head.

"I should've watched him." Carina speaks over and over again, her throat and eyes hurting for all
the crying.

"Things happen, and it hurts, and it'll never go away. But we have to face this together. We can't
separate we can't think that we can get through it on our own. I-I need you, I need you, to make it
through the day." Maya confesses, the so held emotions starting to flow, freed from their cage in
Maya's heart.

"Maya." Carina pulls back and takes her wife's face in her hands, needing to actually look at her to
understand what she's trying to say. She knows that they'll have to discuss about what happened of
the roof, about what happened that day and all the others after that. There's too much to say.

"Please don't leave me." It almost sounds like a pleading, sending a shiver down Carina's spine
when she suddenly and finally realises what all this has done to her beautiful wife.

"Bambina..."

"Don't go." Carina asks when she feels Maya shifting under the weight of her head on her lap. The
tears have finally stopped, but Maya's trousers are drenched of them anyway.

"I'm right here. I'm here." The blonde assures her wife, keeping the motion of her hand in Carina's
hair, steady, calming, warming.

"Have you called your mom?" The italian asks knowing that because of the rush neither one of
them has warned Andrea's grandma.

"No, not yet." Maya shakes her head before she realizes that Carina can't see her doing it. She runs
her free hand through her hair and gives a quick look in the hallway, waiting for any doctor to
show up.

"You should call her." Carina mumbles, her head pushed against her warm abdomen.

"I will later." Maya nods. She'll do it, just not now, not yet. She'll call when Teddy shows up to tell
them everything went well and she can give her a good news.

"Maya what if-" Carina starts, her head already spinning at the thought.

"No. We're not thinking that. We're not thinking that." Maya is done thinking bad things might
happen. Their kid is gonna be okay and they'll all go home in a few days, once he's rested enough.

"Is Andy coming back?" Carina asks again, the answers to her questions not entirely interesting.
She needs ti think about something else though, this is too much.

"I'm pretty sure yes." Maya nods looking for a split second down at her wife's red face, soothing
her unsteady breathing by running a hand on her cheek before looking back up and meet, even just
for another split second, Doctor Altman's eyes.

She's serious. More than she's been when she announced them Andrew's death. There's Amelia
beside her and Doctor Hayes at her right. None of them speaks a word. It's not necessary. Maya's
heart stops beating, her brain stops functioning and her lungs don't let any air come inside. What
she feels makes her whole body freeze for a second. This can't be true.

"Carina." She manages to whisper. The simple idea of delivering the news to her wife makes her
stomach turn, but she swallows and doesn't throw up.

Carina shifts, she was just falling asleep. Her head lifts from Maya's lap but her eyes stay focused
on her wife's.
Maya looks empty, and pale, as if someone had just sucked life out of her body.
Realising the reason, Carina turns and see the three doctors looking back at them silently. No
 word's needed.

"Oh my god." She manages to whisper, her lungs emptying of the oxygen, her heart hurting. Her
mouth opening with no sound coming out. With a strength she doesn't know she had Carina stands
from the chairs Maya immediately behind her.

"Please no." She speaks again towards the doctors, the look on her face cuts through Amelia's
whole body and she holds a sob seeing her friend slowly falling to pieces.

"Just-" Maya doesn't know what she was trying to say but nothing else comes out when Carina's
body loses all it's strength and she sinks to the floor, Maya's reflexes ready enough to not let her
hurt herself.
The scream that comes out of her wife's lungs makes her squeeze her own eyes shut, a whimper
leaving her mouth as she tries with everything she has not to die right then and there.
Andy at the end of the hallway stops dead on her tracks, the bag of coffee she was carrying falls on
the floor. That's with no doubt Carina's voice. That scream. It's Carina's voice.

Chapter End Notes

I'll probably have one last chapter after this one and maybe an epilogue after that.
Thank you so much for all your comments and kudos, you are amazing!

Let me know what you think in the comments and...19 days left!

Giulia_Rachel
 Chapter 4
Chapter Notes

I'm super sorry I made you wait so long... anyway, this is huge and big reveal.

Probably I'll have one more chapter and then epilogue but... we'll see, I'll stop with
predicitions and promises I can't mantain.

Enjoy.

See the end of the chapter for more notes

"Will I see you tomorrow?" Carina asks standing from the lunch table to follow Maya to the door.

"That depends on you." The blonde sighs closing the zip of her sweatshirt.

"Me?" The italian asks frowning confused on why Maya seems accusing now. She's trying to make
a few slow steps in the right direction and the simple fact that Maya came today is a huge one, but
Carina doesn't understand why she's the one on whom depends the next step.

"You're the one who leaves." Maya states, blowing away that last inch of confusion Carina had.

"Maya-" the brunette sighs and tries to meet her wife's eyes, a sad glint in hers makes Maya almost
give in. That look, that damn look she knows will never ever leave her.

"If you think you'll get away with this I'm sorry, but you won't. Not yet. Not until I get an
explenation." The blonde shakes her head and runs a hand through her hair, now aware that she
won't leave anytime soon.

"I gave you an explenation." Carina admits, sad that after everything she's just shared with her wife
for Maya it is still not enough.

"You did? The whole 'I won't feel any pain' thing is your explenation?" Maya asks incredulous, her
tone slowly turning angry as she tries to keep her nerves at bay.

"If you'll just attack me anyway whatever I say then lets stop trying this." The italian states, hoping
both that Maya won't leave but for the conversation to end.

"Oh I see how important it is for you to reconnect with me if you give up already." Maya whispers,
a lot less angry now that she knows Carina is hurt. Cause she'll always hate seeing Carina hurt.
That's not gonna change.

"It is important to me and you know it." Carina decides to go and sit on the edge of the bed, this
conversation is going to last a lot more than they both intended. She knows Maya wants to leave
but at the same time that they'll need to talk again. She's not sure if the blonde will want to.

"Let me tell you...you didn't quite prove it just yet." Maya expected, she knew one day Carina
would have come back. And she dreamed about her return, she dreamed things would have
magically gone back to normal but that didn't happen. And Carina didn't do much to help on that
front. But she's tired, she's so tired of chasing her wife all around the world and all around her
thoughts.

"I know." Carina admits. She knows.

"Look I can't just take you back and erase what you did. You've been a coward and you're not a
coward so I really want to know what brought you to leave and then eventually to come back.
Cause if it's to just take care of me then, trust me I have people. People who didn't leave when our
son died."

"I'm just gonna warm this in the oven alright?" Jo asks Maya pointing at the plate she's holding.
The blonde sitting on the couch barely nods an answer keeping her eyes focused, or better
unfocused, on the wall in front of her.

"Mh okay." Jo whispers when she understands she's not getting a different answer and then leaves
the livingroom to get to the kitchen with everyone else.

"Did she call you or anything? Is it possible that she didn't warn anyone of this?" Teddy asks
Amelia trying to find some kind of reason to all this. There's a lot going on and she doesn't
understand how Carina could possibly think about leaving after what happened.

"I don't know. She didn't warn me and I'm - I'm just speachless about it." Amelia explains rubbing
her forehead and looking over at Andy as she helps Jo with the tray in the oven.

"Yeah." Miranda nods running a hand through her hair and glancing quickly at Maya, finding her
still there lost in her head.

"Yesterday I cleaned up the livingroom, you know the glass and..." The blood. Jo starts closing the
oven as Andy sets the timer. "And Maya showed up while I was doing it and said to leave it there
cause she wants to move out?" The young OB continues asking with a frown at the group around
her.

"What?" Andy asks. Maya didn't tell her anything about it and she's not sure the blonde will be
able to give her an actual explenation regarding that.

"I mean can we blame her? Her son died and her wife left and it's all related to this place." Teddy
shrugs and then sits next to the OB.

"I don't think I can even imagine how she's feeling." Amelia says running a hand through her hair.
Having kids herself it is hard to even just think about it.

"Do you think she'll come tomorrow?" Jo asks turning towards Andy. Being her best friend she is
surely the one who knows better what Maya will eventually want to do the next day.

"To the funeral?" Andy asks to be certain that's what she's asking. Maya is unpredictable, that's a
thing the latina learned quickly enough, ever since their first day at the Academy.

"Yeah." Jo nods to confirm.

"I think she will. But we have to be careful." Another thing she learnt quickly though, is that Maya
is extremely strong, on every front. She's pretty sure Maya will be there cause she can face this.
Cause she will face this.

A ding interrupts everyone's thoughts.

"That's the oven." Jo speaks putting gloves on to pull the tray out. In the mean time Andy goes to
the livingroom and crouches in front of her best friend.

"Maya...do you want to eat some lasagna?" She doesn't say that it's the one they took from the
freezer made by Carina about two weeks ago. She's not sure Maya would want them if she knew.

"No I think I'm going to bed." The blonde whispers standing from the couch to round the place and
get in front of her bedroom door.

"Maya..." Amelia calls her from the kitchen and the blonde barely turns. She doesn't have the
courage to face her friends, their friends. The pity looks on their faces and glistening eyes,
trembling lips, the urge to cry held strongly in their chests. Maya can't do this. She needs to hug her
son, but her son is gone, she needs to hug her wife but her wife left.

"Just feel free to stay or leave or whatever. My mom should be here around seven tonight." Maya
answers still facing her bedroom. The spare bedroom. She's not sleeping in her and Carina's bed.
Once she's walked in, Maya shuts the door behind herself and slides on the floor, crying out her
fears.

"O-okay." Miranda says once the door is already closed and then stands from the chair to signal
that she's about to leave.

"I'm staying anyway." Andy says. She's been staying there for the past three days and has no
intention to leave just yet. She'll wait for Mama Bishop to come and then sleep in the spare
bedroom, which is the couple's one.

"Yeah me too." Jo nods. It's her turn now, she went home every night the past three days but
finally managed to leave Luna at a sleepover that afternoon.

"I'll see you tomorrow instead. I have to go see my kids." Teddy says. The sudden urge to hug Leo
and Allison crepts to the surface. The cardio surgeon wants to make sure she soaks up all the time
she has with them, cause it's absurd but bad things happen, closer to us than we'd ever possibly
think.

"Yeah." Amelia nods, thinking the exact same thing deep down in her heart. Scout seems already
so big and she needs to make sure he knows she loves him.

"Tomorrow at 9 AM?" Teddy asks to assure herself while opening the door to exit the apartment,
sending a final quick look at the two staying.

"Yes." Andy nods and waves goodbye to the three as Teddy, Amelia and Miranda exit.

"Do you want some?" Jo offers the tray of lasagna to the firefighter, handing her a fork to eat
directly from it.

"Mh. This is so good."

-
"Maya. Hi it's good to see you." Diane shifts on her chair and gestures to stand up and greet the
firefighter in her office.

"I bet." Maya waves at her to stay sitted and takes the hat off of her head. She stands there clearly
pissed of being forced to be there.

"Please take a seat." The therapist invites her to take a chair on the opposite side of the desk and
Maya does just that, crossing arms on her chest.

Diane stays silent for a while, clearly waiting for Maya to say something, to start the conversation
however and whenever she wants to. The blonde shifts a few times on her chair and then clears her
throat.

"I'm here just because the Chief told me that I can't be back on duty if I don't do at least one
therapy session so..." She had no intention to come. What happened just three days before didn't
seem quite a good reason to actually do it but she had no choice. That's all.

"Don't you think it could be useful?" Doctor Lewis asks her taking a notebook and pen from her
desk to sign up a few things before setting it back down. She has to wait a little more for Maya to
answer.

"For what?" The blonde thinks it is not useful but she's not rude, she's broken but not rude and so
there's no reason to treat the therapist rudely.

"Why did the Chief ask you to do this Maya?" Diane asks again hoping to get some kind of answer.
Truth is, she's been warned about Maya, about what happened just a few days before and that she
has the power to free her for duty or not.

"Because I...I was on duty until yesterday morning." Maya starts to explain taking a deep long
breath in the middle of her answer. She starts to guess Diane might know about what happen but is
too polite to directly get to the point.

"So why now?" Doctor Lewis asks, taking the notebook back when she sees Maya flinch on the
chair and then fidgeting with her fingers. She's nervous and that's to be expected.

"Something happened." Maya states before clearing her throat once again. She didn't realise it
would be this hard to just say that.

"Like what?" Diane insists still careful to use the right tone, do the right movements and give the
right looks.

"I-I tried to-" Maya stops herself and looks up at the cieling to prevent her forming tears from
falling. "I tried to kill myself Doctor Lewis. I wanted to jump off the roof." She finishes, the
massive weight leaving her shoulders as her lungs empty the oxygen inside.

"Why? If I may ask." The therapist knows this is hard. Not that she's heard many patients say it but
she has a very strong feeling that the blonde in front of her has always lived in need of someone to
speak to about all of her traumas and fears, but never had. And this thing that Maya had done is
dark and dangerous. Truth is that Diane isn't too sure she has the power to help the blonde through
what happened in her life the past month.

"I thought that I could get to those clouds and feel better. Finally free from all that pain and
heartbreak." Diane remembers the clouds Maya talked to her about when they first saw each other.
Back then though, Maya had no suicidal impulse. Now she's climbed a ledge to jump off of a
rooftop.

"What made you stop?" She asks sincerly curious and worredly interested. Cause the fact that she's
stopped matters more than the possibility of doing it, and she knows it. Maya needs go know the
same.

"My friends." The blonde whispers her answer, almost ashamed but most importantly guilty.
Guilty for not being strong enough to avoid her running thoughts that made her try.

"Can I ask you a very direct question now Maya?" The firefighter nods, keeping her eyes focused
on the so interesting tiles of the floor. "What is the reason you're still alive now? What are you
living for?" She's afraid Maya doesn't have any. She's afraid that by letting her walk out of that
studio Maya does it again. Diane realises she's never had a patient who actually tried to take their
lives.

"I... I'm waiting for her to come back." The blonde admits. The only reason she's alive now is
almost six thousand miles away.

"You think she will?" Diane asks curiously. She's never had the chance to see Carina personally
but heard something about her once or twice from the team and Maya herself.

"I'm hoping so. Otherwise I would have no reason and I'll probably jump next time." She nods.
Maya didn't think about doing it again but had to focus on anything else, like work, moving out and
whatever to stop thinking about trying again.

"Do you think there's gonna be a next time Maya? Try to understand me but this is serious." Doctor
Lewis knows that dealing with this is hard, for the patient just as much as for the therapist.
Whatever you say might be used against you. The rule applies just the same.

"I really don't understand why you're all attacking me on this." Maya tries to defend herself. She
knows this is serious, she's not a baby.

"We're not attacking you, we're trying to take care of you." Diane explains, trying to calm the
already worsening mood in the room. Last thing she needs is for Maya to get pissed off.

"I'm taken care of." She has friends sleeping at her place everynight when it's not her mother
staying. Maya knows she's not alone in this. Carina would probably he proud of out she's letting
people take care of her, though she'll never admit it.

"And so you think that's enough not to jump off a rooftop?" Diane's tone remains calm ad she
retorts with the question. She knows Maya's friends are there for her, taking care of her but she also
knows they're there to make sure she does nothing else crazy. That's what they all need to make
sure of, keeping their watch on her.

"My son died Doctor Lewis. And then my wife decided to leave cause apparently there was no
reason for her to stay anymore. So I'm pretty sure nothing would be enough not to jump off a
rooftop. I'm actually pretty sure there are all the reasons to."

-
"I understand but-" Carina tries to stop Maya when she eventually stands to leave. She's not ready
at all to let her go and knows that now she should stop keeping that secret from her.

"I should probably go now." Maya finally reaches the door once again, and barely looks Carina in
the eyes to make her understand that she's leaving now, no second thoughts.

"B- okay. Okay, just...let me know if I'll see you tomorrow or not." The italian decides not to argue
right now, but insisting on the possibility of seeing her again to finally spit it out seems the greatest
option. Is it?

"What else do you have to say? I thought you were done with explenations." Maya retorts slightly
annoyed by her wife. She hates being pushed and she thought Carina knew it. Her Carina knew it.

"I think there's something else?" She doesn't know why she's saying this as a question. Carina
knows there's something else. And she has no idea why this is apparently the best moment to say it,
now that Maya is leaving and she's dressed in a robe in her hotel room.

"You think?" Maya chuckles nervously. To say she's getting annoyed is definitely an
understatement. The blonde would give anything for this embrassing moment to end but if her wife
is saying, if she's finally ready to admit, that there's something more going on than she'll stay hear
to listen, to at least give her another chance to explain herself.

"Do you remember what we were doing back then?" Carina asks. The memories connected go
those months all merge into the one particular memory of their son's death so she knows that for
the blonde everything else is just a blur, cause it's the same for her.

"Is this a quiz game or something?" Maya asks leaning her back on the door, slowly something
coming to mind. Her heart starts racing in her chest, threatening to explode.

"Do you remember or not?" Carina insists and sighs when she finally recieves a nod in response.
She remembers perfectly what they were doing back then. Besides Maya's house thing. Something
a lot more important.

Carina knows they both need to sit back down for this and decides to drag a chair in front of the
bed so that Maya can sit in front of her, so that they can look each other in the eyes. The italian tries
to take a long deep breath, control her feelings and shrug away the tension.
On the other hand Maya simply stands there, struck by the incoming sudden revelation.

"I wanted to wait another week to tell you cause I was worried it wouldn't work. It wasn't safe. But
then when it happened, that same night I realised that if I'd stayed I could have done something just
as bad as I did with Andrea." The brunette sniffles, looking up at the cieling to swallow the lump
forming in her throat before continuing to talk. Nothing comes out though, her words are stuck
midway in her throat.

"But...were you?" Maya asks in a whisper once she's gathered enough courage go know. She's not
sure she wants to know though. The simple idea of just another huge secret her wife has been
keeping from her makes her wanna be sick.

"I was yes. But I knew it would come to an end." She's an OB and a good one. Carina knew
without a doubt that the pregnancy wouldn't last. Cause yes, they had tried twice before Andrea's
accident and apparently the second time worked. Cause Carina was pregnant back then, with their
second child. But the pregnancy was extra uterine and she knew the baby had no chance to survive.

"So i decided to leave because I couldn't just...let you go through that again." The tears spill out of
her eyes before she can even think about controlling them. She's not looking for Maya's pity right
now, and specifically she knows Maya is probably hating her even more in this moment.

"Wha-I don't understand." Maya manages to speak after a few long seconds of silence. That she did
not expect. It's true though, that she completely forgot about their last IVF implant that happened
right before Andrea's accident. She simply forgot because her wife left with no warning and never,
ever even texted her to say anything about it so probably Maya's brain erased the possibility it had
worked.

"I was three weeks pregnant. But it was extra uterine, so the baby had no chance to survive. We-we
had just lost Andrea and I couldn't live knowing that I was carrying a baby that wouldn't live. And I
couldn't tell you. But the miscarriage would have happened and I needed to be as far as I could
from you before it happened. So I took a plane that exact same night because the simple thought of
being next to you knowing that I was carrying our dying child was unbereable. I was so lost. And I
couldn't. And I know it's no excuse but I couldn't. So I left." The italian doesn't even know how
she's actually keeping herself together. Cause whenever she though about it in the past three
months, after the miscarriage happened, and especially in the past three days, she's kneeled to the
floor between heartwreking sobs until she cried herself to sleep. She knows it's Maya's presence.

"So you knew already before..." Maya can't bring herself to say it. She can't anymore, she can't
now. Her brain is fuzzy, her sight blurred and air feels hard to be breathed. She has to steady
herself by slowly sliding on the chair Carina prepared for her.

"I knew it, yes. I had been having some abdominal pain so I quickly realised something was wrong
even before I got the test. So I got it and it resulted positive, but then I gave myself an ultrasound
and found out about the extra uterine thing. It was hard, but I felt like I couldn't tell you yet, that it
worked but wouldn't last long. And then...then I...after...I couldn't do it." Carina starts sobbing, her
lungs filling with air she can't blow out and her legs getting weak even if she's sitting. She's been
trying to push those memories aside but here they are, over and over again.

"You just assumed that I wouldn't be able to get through it? Carina we were in a relationship.
Wives. You can't just do things on your own without debating them with me first, I-I would've
been ready." Maya lies. She lies cause she knew she wouldn't have been. She's never blamed
Carina for what happened to Andrea but she would never, ever have had the strength to lose
another child. Regardless of the reasons why it happened.

"I heard you when we were leaving the hospital." Carina whispers once she's managed to control
her laboured breathing. She takes a long deep one to gather her thoughts and continue.

Maya hums questioningly, her mind was unfocused and a total mess to say the least when they
were leaving the hospital that day so she needs a few more hints to understand what Carina's
talking about. The firefighter looks for the brunette's eyes and meets them. I silent way to ask her to
keep talking.

"When we were leaving and I was a complete mess...you were basically dragging me out and I was
actually already thinking about how to get to the airport without you, knowing you would have
probably heard me leaving. But you stopped when Jo jumped in our tracks and tried to reach out to
give us a hug." Carina clears her throat and whipes away a few running tears. "You said you didn't
need comfort, nor words nor anything. And then you said you had no intention to feel that way
ever again, to have to worry about anyone ever again, wether it were for a child or anyone else you
loved. I-I honeslty think I've never heard you as broken as you sounded in that moment. And I
promised myself I would have protected you from that, and that in order to do it I had to leave."
 -

"Maya." Doctor Wilson rushes to the couple. Maya looks more exhausted than Jo has ever seen
her, while her mentor lets herself be dragged towards the exit of the hospital, drained completely of
her life.

"Hey." The blonde whispers and stops when the OB gets on her path, clearly in need of saying
something to the couple. Maya is tired though, she's so tired she thinks she'll probably collaps
asleep right there and then.

"I just heard." Jo says looking down at Carina's pale face. She looks somehow smaller than Maya
now, tinier. It makes her stomach turn when she thinks about how that must feel like, though she
knows she can't even imagine.

"Look we really just wanna go home." Maya speaks honestly, trying to take another step forward,
holding Carina as tight as she can.

"I-call me, if there's anything, literally anything I can do for you." Jo says sincerly. She wants to
help in a way or another. They're family, they're each other's family. And nothing has to change, or
better, it can just get stronger.

"Honestly Jo. I don't need this. I-I need it to stop. I need it all to stop. Cause, my god, life is so easy
when you have noone you care about, noone to worry about. So what I really want and need now is
to stop feeling any kind of love for anyone cause I'm so tired of feeling like this." Maya lets a few
tears fall but doesn't allow herself to break down, not yet. Not when her wife is dragging herself on
the floor, holding onto Maya as if her life depends on it.

"Maya." Jo tries to find the words to comfort her friends but nothing comes out. She met Doctor
Bailey just a few seconds ago and the Chief told her that no word would help.

"I really need to know we won't have half of this hospital knocking at our door for at least the next
five days." Maya asks as gently as she can though the kindness is only related to her lack of energy
in this moment. She shrugs and clears her throat, meeting Jo's eyes for an answer.

"I'll make sure of it." The OB nods fiercely, giving Carina another look. The italian doesn't even
flinch.

"We'll call when we're ready." Maya didn't know though, that it would change faster than
predicted, cause that exact same night she's left alone in an awfully empty and silent apartment,
walking on a blood drenched rug in tears, looking for her wife. Seeking a comfort that's never
gonna come again.

Chapter End Notes

Hi hello yes I truly love sad stories.

Let's all buckle up for Thursday though! I can't wait!

Let me know what you think but most importantly how you would want this to end...I
mean, will they reconnect or not?
Ciao belli

Giulia_Rachel
 Chapter 5
Chapter Notes

Hellooo!

We've got an update! I know that I'm completely putting aside It's a matter of time but
I'm really out of inspiration for that at the moment.

Anyway...this is definitely my favourite chapter so far...you'll see.

Hope you enjoy.

See the end of the chapter for more notes

"Maya is that you?" Andy asks when she hears the door slam shut, thinking it could be her best
friend. She's let herself in about an hour ago to cook something to eat knowing that Maya had
nothing before she went to Carina's hotel.

"Mh. Yeah." The blonde mumbles walking through the hallway after hanging her jacket and shoes
at the entrance. She has to take a deep breath knowing that Andy will ask the dreaded question
sooner or later. She's not too sure she wants to talk about it just yet though.

"How did it go?" The latina sees her friend's exhausted feautures. She knows Maya has been crying
cause her eyes and cheeks are puffy.

When Carina finished speaking Maya took a few seconds to gather her thoughts but then left. She
left cause she didn't want to cry in front of Carina the grieve of losing another child and because a
big part of her heart felt guilty cause she still didn't feel like forgiving her wife. So she needed to be
away from her before Carina could ask further questions.

"I think I want to drink." Maya admits, running a hand through her hair and walking towards the
kitchen, being quickly stopped by her best friend.

"Is that a good idea?" Andy asks her, gently pulling Maya out of the kitchen. Not that she thinks
Maya will turn into an alcoholic but that's clearly a thing to avoid. The blonde sighs and holds her
breath for a second before replying.

"I don't know." Maya shakes her head and follows Andy to the couch where the lieutenant makes
her sit gently pushing her down by the shoulders.

"Okay just, sit here." She nods, running a hand over Maya's hair. The lieutenant stands there for a
few seconds, trying to hear Maya's thoughts for the whole time. She doesn't think Maya will do
anything close to what she's already tried to do but keeping an eye on her is the best thing she can
do.

"I think I really want to drink." The blonde nods and gestures to stand, Andy carefully keeping her
down. Last thing Maya needs is to get drunk.

"I'm being awful with the team, am I?" The fire Captain asks after a few seconds of silence. Her
voice slightly breaks. She feels guilty also for that, cause Maya knows she's been a prick with them
and they have no fault over this.

"I wouldn't say awful...they understand Maya. It's- they understand." Andy says tilting her head to
the side to meet Maya's eyes and give her a little smile. None of them hates Maya for it, especially
because she's a great captain and a great person regardless of what's happened.

Maya nods and remains silent for a little while, finally meeting Andy's eyes. Her brain thinks
quickly about everything the latina has done for her ever since the Academy, but then most
importantly about everything Andy has been doing for her for the past five months. The support,
the tangible help she's given her through all of it. Maya is thankful, she's thankful for her friend.

"Have I ever thanked you for what you did for me the past five months?" She finally asks, her eyes
welling up with tears. Maya sniffles and takes hold of Andy's hand.

"You don't have to." The latina shakes her head and chuckles. She wouldn't have done anything
differently and she knows Maya would do just the same. She's lived at their apartment for over a
year and then a lot more in the years before, there's no doubt she owed Maya a lot.

"No I do. I do I- thank you Andy. Thank you so much." Maya interrupts her thoughts and smiles,
she kind of genuenly smiles at her friend and for a split second everything seems fine. Maya knows
these people won't leave and that they are those who deserve to know, and that she can feel free to
tell Andy everything cause nothing's going to change. Their help won't subside.

"She said she was pregnant." The blonde mumbles suddenly, once their sight broke apart and
Maya's tears have faded. She sniffles.

"What? With who's child?" Andy forrows her brows as some kind of concern and worry crepts in
her. The idea of Carina cheating on her wife makes her almost throw up. That's the very last thing
she expected from the italian.

"Ours." Maya assures her responding quickly enough. "We had just tried a new implant. And
apparently it went through and she was pregnant. But it was an extra uterine pregnancy so she left
cause she knew the baby wouldn't survive and didn't want to put me through that again." She
manages to repeat at least half of Carina's words, enough to make Andy understand.

"Oh. What did you say?" The latina asks after a long minute of silence in which she just processed
Maya's words. Well at least there's no need to go and beat Carina up.

"I told her I needed time to reflect and left." The blonde nods sniffling once again and rubbing her
eyes with the tip of her fingers. "I don't know." She shakes her head. She has truly no idea of what
her heart and brain want.

"What?" Andy asks when she sees Maya opening her mouth but not saying anything. She doesn't
want Maya to keep anything inside cause everyone knows what the risk has been last time.

"I don't know if I'll ever have the strength to forgive her." Maya admits and stands from the couch,
starting to slowly pace the room back and forth, accelerating her steps every time she turns around.
"Regardless of her apparently best intentions I...I thought about killing myself and I almost really
tried. She's told me so many times that shuffling emotions down is the worst thing to do and she's
done exactly that. And I really don't understand how she could think that we couldn't face that
together." She starts crying there. Cause one thing Carina has always been working on with her
wife was facing things together. And what she did seems so absurd to the blonde still now that's
been more than five months.
"I don't think I can forgive her." She looks Andy in the eyes, broken, tired and exhausted. He body
falls on the armchair at her left and she sighs to prevent the tears from falling.

"Nobody's telling you to." Andy reassures her, gently stroking Maya's arm with her hand. She
knows the blonde is about to burst out crying. She's never seen Maya cry in her life until that
moment. And over and over again ever since then.

"I'm awful Andy." Maya sobs. That's it. That's what she is. Cause she's supposed to fight to have
Carina back and instead it seems just impossibile, and untouchable. Maya thinks things will never,
ever go back to normal.

"No Maya no. You're not. You're in pain and you've been for the past five months and there's
nothing wrong with it." Andy crouches in front of the armchair and pulls Maya towards her, wiping
away her tears but at the same time incouraging her to let it out. She hasn't done that many times
and clearly not ever since Carina came back.

"You're strong. You've always been and you've been even more these days." She wraps her arms
around the sobbing blonde and Maya clings onto her like her life depends on it. The latina rubs
Maya's back and keeps whispering soft and hopefully helping words.

"You're allowed Maya. You're allowed to feel hurt."

"Hold on I need to open the door." Maya says to her wife, gently unwrapping the arm with which
she's holding Carina's limp body. The italian thankfully manages to gather some strength to stay on
her feet and lets the blonde open the door with her free hand. Cause Maya's left stays intertwined
with Carina's.

She kicks the door open once the lock is done cause as they thought the door was left opened when
they wheeled away with the Aid Car but when Andy came to take a few things to bring to the
hospital she closed it properly.

Maya walks in, holding Carina again and carrying her inside. She's the first one to see the shattered
glass on the floor and Andrea's blood scattered around the wooden floor. She decides to set her on
the couch for a second and take her shoes off, along with the jeans she's been wearing all the time
and covers Carina's body with a soft blanket that the italian instantly pushes away.

"Okay, good." At least Maya understands what Carina wants, which is not comfort. The italian
remains silent the whole time, slightly shaking both for the cold and for the still present shock of
what just happened. Maya silently looks at her for a second, her eyes focused on nothing in front of
her, puffy for the tears and now completely dry. She swallows down her own pain and speaks
again.

"Do you want something to eat?" The simple thought of actually eating something makes her
wanna be sick but she hasn't eaten when she arrived home so it's almost 20 hours since she last had
something. Carina doesn't respond, as predicted, but Maya finds in it the chance of staying away
for a few seconds, to take a few deep breaths and be as strong as she can for Carina.

"I'm just gonna make myself a shake, okay?" She eventually suggests, running a hand through
Carina's hair and standing up. Once in the kitchen Maya leans on the counter for probably ten
minutes, completely forgetting about her shake and her hunger.

Maya breathes once, twice, three and four times. A little too fast sometimes and a little slower in
the end, once her breathing seems a little more under control. Then she shakes head and shoulders,
bends her neck from side to side and then back and forth. She holds the counter tight, her knuckles
turning white and swallows, letting out a long and silent yell, tears finally streaming down her face.
It takes a second to recollect herself, she gulps down a glass of water and heads back to the couch,
where Carina is still laying.

"Do you wanna go to bed? Yeah? Okay." She asks while standing recieving a nod in responce.
Maya scoops Carina in her arms just like a few moments ago and carries her to the master
bedroom, placing her on the bed and covering her shivering body with a blanket that Carina doesn't
refuse.

"Just wait here, I'll be right back." The firefighter says while running a gentle hand through
Carina's hair and goes to shower in the bathroom quickly, before joining her in bed. She glances
towards the clock on the bedside table and reads it's almost 2 AM.

"Carina." The Chief of Grey Sloan greets her head of OB in the office. Yes, cause Carina leaving
didn't change the fact that that department of the hospital is hers, is in her hands. Miranda walks a
few steps around her desk to give the italian a quick yet caring hug.

"Doctor Bailey." Carina responds politely, accepting the hug and giving Bailey a smile when they
part. It feels like yesterday that she last saw her.

"Please, Miranda." She nods. They have a deal for when they're outside of the hospital: to call each
other by name. Being in the hospital Carina called her doctor, but Miranda quickly understood the
talk wouldn't have anything to do with work. Plus Carina had been away for five months.

"I heard from Ben you came back." She nods and goes to the table, offering Carina one of the
chairs on their side and taking the other for herself.
Ben didn't just tell her about Carina being back, he also offered his wife all his concern for the
couple and eventually decided with Miranda he would have gone to talk with the blonde.

"Just three days ago." Carina nods taking the chair and breathing deeply, allowing herself to rest
for a second. She's tired, she's exhausted. Didn't sleep more than an hour last night, and the night
before and the one before that.

"Will you stay or...?" Miranda tries to guess, knowing close to nothing of what Carina might be
thinking. She's been there for Maya undoubtedly for the better part of the last five months, but
never actually managed to think about Carina as the enemy in this story. That kind of hurt, the way
she felt angry at her ex husband when he risked to hurt Tuck years ago...Miranda understands how
hard this has surely been for her.

"I-I don't know. I'm probably staying for a little while but then it depends on Maya." Carina meets
her boss' eyes for a split second and sees nothing but compassion in them. It makes her heart beat
faster.

"How did it go?" Bailey asks thinking about Amelia's call of the day before, when she came to
know that Maya would meet Carina in her hotel. They created a family. A whole new family
around her to protect, to take care, to love. To try and give Maya a little bit of the support she
needed, hoping with their whole hearts they were doing something truly helpful. When Ben arrived
home that day to tell her about Maya's suicide attempt it broke something in her and the need of
taking care of the blonde emerged, bigger and stronger than it already was.

"It's been...hard. I'm pretty sure we're not going to actually solve this so..." The italian shakes her
head, instantly regretting it when it starts pounding harder than before. She closes her eyes for a
moment and breathes.

"How are you, Carina?" Bailey's question comes unexpected. Almost startling Carina. She doesn't
answer at first cause it seems crazy, that ever since she arrived someone finally asked her how
she's doing. There's a small part of her that almost forgot she's lost a child too and not just Maya.
Two childer. Her children. Her and Maya's.

"Mh?" Miranda insists seeing Carina's eyes focused on her but as the throughts run fast in her head.

"I-I know I have no right to feel...bad. But I haven't slept more than an hour each night for the past
two weeks and none before then. I stayed at my friend Gabriella's place in the past months but I
haven't been eating much and sometimes my stomach aches and I got some meds prescribed for
everything but they make me feel dizzy and I'm so so sad." She finally says. She wants to say it all
cause it's too much. Everything is too much and her heart wants it to just stop.

"And I know everything sounds like an excuse and that I have no right cause I did something awful
but I can't do this anymore. I really can't do this anymore. I can't-" The phone ringing on Miranda's
desk interrupts her and the Chief immediately takes the call.

"Sorry. Yeah? Chief Bailey here." She remains silent waiting for someone to speak on the other
side. "I-" the features of her face change and Carina feels her own heart sinks in her chest.

"Miranda?" She asks when the shorter woman focuses her sight on the italian without speaking a
word.

"I'm gonna be right there." Miranda replies putting the phone down and rounding the table to take
her white coat and head out with Carina.

"Miranda." The brunette says while looking at the frantic movements of her Chief. There's nothing
good in what she's doing, something is clearly wrong.

"Follow me."

Bailey drags Carina through the halls and in the first elevator free they find. She pushes the button
to the ER multiple times. Carina waits silently at her left and follows her inside the emergency
room once they get there.

"What's the status?" Miranda asks while walking towards the trauma room they called her at. The
italian stays behind being dressed in her civil clothes. She thought it could be a consult but gets
immediate answer to her questions when she sees who's on the gurney.

"Who's that? Is that Maya? Maya!" She starts yelling, trying to push through an intern to get inside
and see what's going on.

"Carina stay back." Owen says from inside the trauma room, inserting a chest tube in Maya's side,
making her gasp.
"Maya!" Carina yells again. At least she's alive, whatever this is she's alive.
And that's when the heartrate monitor starts beating louder and faster, piercing through Carina's
ears with that awful and excrutiating sound.

"Bambina no. No no no no no." She starts crying, finally realising Maya is not there for some
accident at work but for a complete other reason. She doesn't know how, but Carina knows exactly
why Maya is there.

"Stay back! Let them work." Miranda turns and places both hands on Carina's chest, gently pushing
her out of the way.

"Owen-" She whines trying again to push and push and get inside, feeling somehow always further
and further away from getting to Maya's side.

"I'm taking care of her. I've got her Carina, she's gonna be fine."

She's dragged out of her sleeping state when a horn blares outside of the hotel, waking her up in an
instant, sweaty. Her heart is beating incredibly fast, her breathing is irregular and seems completely
unable to settle.
Rubbing her face with both hands Carina finally manages to compose herself and stand out of the
bed, taking the phone with her to finally make the call she's been waiting for. The call she needs to
make cause she just dreamed her wife on a hospital gurney after she tried to take her own life
again.

"Carina?" The soft voice on the other side of the call instantly calms Carina's fast breathing and
heart.

"Katherine, hi." The italian smiles and sits properly on the bed now that she's awake. Running a
hand through her hair Carina feels the sweat that nightmare gave her.

"Oh my god sweetie. It's so good to hear you." Mama Bishop replies, excited to hear her daughter
in law after such a long time. She texted Carina once or twice while she was away but the brunette
never replied.

"Well you're the first person to tell me that." Carina chuckles, nervously and sadly. She sighs and
then takes a deep breath knowing she called to talk. "I hope I'm not bothering you." It's early
morning but Carina is pretty sure Maya's mom wasn't sleeping.

"You could never." Katherine replies softly. God only knows how that young woman is feeling.

Carina starts crying immediately knowing that her mother in law is willing to take some time to
talk to her. So Carina decides to allow herself to break down and say something, anything to calm
herself, to finally settle the constantly present anxiety of the past few months.

"Don't cry sweetheart, please. Talk to me Carina." Katherine tries her best to reassure her being
only on the phone and not with her. Katherine finds herself missing Carina, she's missed dinners
with her daughter and daughter in law, especially the relationship growing with the italian.

"You know that you're like my second mamma right?" Carina cries out once she's managed to calm
enough to speak. She whipes away her own tears closing her eyes to dream of Maya doing it.

"I know. You've mentioned that." Katherine chuckles to light the mood. She remembers one
particular episode. After one of those dinners that they had right after the couple came back from a
journey in Italy, they drank together the very expensive bottle of Tuscan wine Carina bought. And
damn it was good. One thing led to another and they were drunk before bathtime. Maya thankfully
sober washed Andrea and brought him to bed while Carina talked with the older Bishop. She
mumbled something multiple times, a particular sentence that Katherine knows she'll never forget.
Carina said that Katherine turned to be for her the mother she thought she'd never have again.
She's glad for it, she's thankful for it. Refocusing back on Carina's outburst, Katherine tries to
gather her thoughts knowing she'll have to reply something meaningful for her.

"I'm afraid that's going to happen again. And that this time she'll make it. And that I won't be there,
that we'll still be apart. I made such a huge mistake that I'm ashamed of myself but I really...I really
want her back because I miss my wife and I am truly sorry." The italian honestly says, whiping
away a few more tears and sniffling. It feels better already though, to finally say everything out
loud. As if she opened the gates to her heart in front of the person she last expected but needed the
most. Carina is terrified her wife isn't willing to try ever again, but most importantly that she'll try
to get away from this in the fastest and easiest way.

"Oh honey." Katherine shakes her head. She knows exactly what Carina is talking about. Andy had
called her a few hours after they managed to get Maya off of that roof and told her everything.
Mama Bishop's heart broke at the thought of losing her daughter that way, her pain so big.

"I think she'll never forgive me and she has every right to but I feel so lost without her in my life
that I barely know how I made it through all this. I've got no excuse, I know that but-" Carina gets
interrupted by Katherine with no intention to be harsh just as she was about to say something
awful. Carina was willing to change place with her kid. With their kid. She wants to switch with
him, wants to have him back for her wife and be gone at his place.

"You need to stop being mean to yourself Carina. You taught me that. We all make mistakes, big
or small. It's totally understandable that you couldn't think straight after what happened to you
both. If I have to be honest I would have probably lost my mind in guilt.
What you did was wrong? Yes. Is it worth forgiveness? Yes. You know better than I do how
stubborn Maya can be and I have no doubt that hurt. But I also have no doubt you'll find your way
to each other again." Katherine takes a long and deep breath to regain her composure once she blurt
everything out. She smiles unconsciously thinking about the day of their wedding and how
supportive Carina was of her newly wife in one of the darkest moments of her carreer. She's sure
about that. About the fact that they'll undoubtedly find their way to each other, even in three years
from now if necessary, even in another life.

"Grazie Katherine." Carina whispers, suddenly feeling her heart burst with love. Love for her
mother in law and love for her wife. Cause that didn't change, that doesn't change. They're married.
And they love each other. Despite every odds. Despite every mistake. That's what doesn't change
between them.

"Anytime." Katherine barely manages to say just as Carina hungs up the call.

"Carina what the-" Maya says when she opens the door and sees her wife on the other side of it.
She's just managed to stop crying in Andy's arms and feels like in need of doing it again when
Carina appears at her door.
 "Let me tell you this. I know I'm an idiot." The italian interrupts. She's said that way too many
times and heard it just as much. She's heard it when, right after she cheated on her with Jack, Maya
arrived at the hospital to talk and get her back. She said it when her brother died and she felt guilty,
so guilty that the intention to rip her own heart out of her chest faded only because Maya was there.
And finally, Carina said it when she proposed. She said it when their lives completely changed for
the better.
"And I know I've said it more than once already. I know I made in irreparable mistake and that I
don't deserve your forgiveness. I know that what I did was probably the worst thing I could have
done. You're right to be pissed, you have every right to hate me. But-" Carina stops herself. She
stops cause she doesn't want to bring up Andrea's death again. They've already been through that
talk. This is about their marriage and how she wants to repair it, where she can. "I won't waste the
past five years of our life. That, I won't. I kind of already did I know, but we've been through it all
and I refuse to believe that this awful thing I did is the one thing that's gonna keep us apart
forever." Maya thinks she's never seen Carina so agitated. She's waving her hands around, under
her eyes the bags are prominent but her wonderful brown eyes are shining with hope. God only
knows how much she loves that woman.

"So you can shut this door at my face right now or insult me or even get a restraining order against
me but I'm not leaving. I'm gonna fight for this, I'm gonna fight to earn even just a little piece of
your trust and I'm gonna do it with everything I can and have. I'm gonna come here every morning
just to say hi and share a cup of coffee and then leave until the next day. But I'm gonna do it,
wether you like it or not. And you can hate me, I'm not gonna fight the hate you feel. But I will
fight for you." She points at the blonde once her speech comes to an end. Carina regrets all of her
mistakes in these words. She tries to recall the day of the proposal and hopes that the outcome will
be the same. She knows it won't though.

Carina swallows. She swallows the finally gone terrifying feeling of the door shutting at her face.
Maya's eyes are absurdly focused on her. Those bright blue eyes, still red for the tears Maya has
just shed.

"So just...this is the first morning. Hi bambina. I will see you tomorrow." She hands Maya a cup of
coffee before turning towards the path that leads back to her Porsche and get on the car, driving
away.

"Do you want to drink?" Andy asks from the inside of the small villa bringing Maya out of her
daze, earning a 'hell yes' in response.

Chapter End Notes

I loved writing this. I really loved it.

So...as promised this is not going to be the last chapter but probably not even the last
one before the epilogue, I just love writing this so much.

Let me know what you'd prefer in the comments and thank you thank you thank you
for the appreciation and compliments I get in all your comments and for the kudos!

I love you all

Giulia_Rachel
 Chapter 6
Chapter Notes

Ciao!

Update. Let's see how Carina works to get her wife back.

See the end of the chapter for more notes

Maya wakes up earlier than ever after shifting for the whole night in bed. She shifted and stirred
because of a few nightmares, because of the running thoughts and because she knew Carina would
show up at her door the next morning and part of her didn't want her to.

She had just made up her mind with Andy the day before and now her wife was willing to do
anything to get her back. It scares her. She's scared for the way she'll react, she's scared for how
long this is going to last, knowing that Carina will probably get tired after the third or fourth day,
but most importantly she's scared it won't change anything.

Cause the truth, the deep and hidden truth is that Maya wants her wife back just as much as the
italian does.

She shakes the throughts away and runs a hand on her face before quickly getting dressed to go out
for a well needed run, leaving a sticky note for Andy in case she wakes up before she gets back.

It feels always good, the road under the tumping feet, the wind sliding cold first thing in the
morning on her face, the noise of the waking city. She used to bring Andrea out at this time of day
cause he was always awake and the sounds of Seattle at 5 AM would make him fall asleep when he
was just a newborn.

It's a thing she's tried to forget. One of the things she's tried to forget. The strogest effort Maya
made in the past five months wasn't trying to get her wife back going to Italy or fight for her
captaincy, which she eventually earned anyway. What she did as strongly as she could, what she
still does, is forget as much as she can the little things regarding their son. Cause it hurts so badly to
think about those morning walks that her whole body goes rigid, heart clenches in her chest and
breathing becomes heavy making her stop on her tracks. In the middle of the road.

A car horns behind her and she pushes to the side, apologizing by raising a hand at the driver. She
looks down at her watch and sees it's already half past six, time to go back.

Taking the shortest road she gets home around seven and heads inside, where Andy is already
making breakfast.

"Wow. You look like a car almost hit you." The latina says when she turns and sees her friend
dressed in her running clothes, her eyes a little puffy and nose red for the cold air of the morning.
She's breathing heavy which means she ran pretty fast cause Maya never has fast breathing after a
normal run.

"Well that happened so it is completely understandable. Coffee?" Maya asks when she sees Andy
didn't put her usual cup in front of her spot at the table.
"Shower first. Nothing will go cold in here." The lieutenant points at the stairs to the bathroom
upstairs and Maya huffs before going straight to wash quickly and come back.

"Good. And I didn't make coffe cause that's supposed to arrive right about..." The doorbell rings.
"Now." She smiles and sighs relieved.

"Is that-?"

"Go get the door Captain." Andy points at the entrance and pushes Maya towards it with one hand.
When the blonde opens it she's met with familiar brown eyes.

"Ciao. Goodmorning. I didn't know if you're alone but I don't think so, so I brought two. It's a
normal latte and one with caramel for you. Have a good day." Carina hands the blonde the stack
with the two cups and waves inside when she sees Andy at the door. She nods and purses her lips
looking down at her feet waiting for Maya's reply before turning on her heels and head back to the
car when it doesn't come.

The blonde closes the door and joins the latina at the kitchen table, a little shocked. She places the
cups on the surface and sighs looking down at her latte with caramel. She thought Carina forgot
her flavour. Looking back up she meets Andy's eyes.

"Day one."

"Hey italiana." Carina hears while in line to get coffee for Maya and herself. The line is long at
Grey Sloan, doctors waiting for their morning energy boost before or after a long shift.

"Teddy." She sees her friend when she turns. They had already met twice since Carina came back,
but not at the hospital Carina used to work at.

"What are you doing here?" The cardiosurgeon asks smiling, happy to see her there, a part of her
hopes Carina is here to stay. Teddy, who's made so many mistakes in her life knows it is worth to
forgive the italian, despite everything.

"I actually just had a meeting with Bailey to get my job back." Carina nods, taking a step forward
when the line goes on, Teddy following since she's there to take coffee too.

"You're staying then?" She asks relieved that Carina has no intention of leaving again, wrapping an
arm around the OB.

"I am. Yeah." Carina nods and does the same before finally ordering coffee for herself, her wife
and Teddy. She hands hers to the cardiosurgeon and they both walk away.

"That is amazing. I'm glad you've worked this out." Teddy takes a sip of her coffee and heads
towards the entrance of the hospital, allowing herself a bit more time to talk to her friend.

"Well I actually have not but... I'm working on it." Carina changes the hand with which she's
holding the hot cups and smiles. She feels hopeful about it. Not about the fact that Maya will just
take her back but simply because she gets to see her wife without having a door closing at her face.
It is a step in the right direction.
"Two coffee?" Teddy asks finally looking down at Carina's order confused on why the italian
needs so much caffeine.

"I have to bring Maya hers." Carina explains with a chuckle lifting the cups and holding them close
to her chest as if that's the only thing that's gonna keep the relationship with her wife going. Like a
fire that needs to be kept alive.

"Oh so we're already at 'breakfast together' point." Teddy gestures her hand to the coffee cups and
smiles, glad that things are not falling apart between the two. She's always admired their
relationship and even through the past five months, she never doubted the possibility for things to
go back to normal.

"No I just bring her coffee and say hi and then leave. That's all." Carina shrugs and looks around to
leave knowing that Teddy has to go back to work now.

"That's...awkward but good. That's good." The cardiosurgeon nods and gives the OB a tight lipped
smile. "Is there any chance I might see you tonight for a dinner? To catch up." She suggests
walking to steps in the entrance direction.

"That would be great yeah." Carina nods and exchanges the smile.

"Good. Have a nice coffee then." Teddy waves at her just as Carina does the same and leaves. The
italian takes herself a second to look at the hospital. She swallows the panic and tension that settled
in her chest and stomach and thanks again in her mind Bailey for agreeing to meet her outside. She
shakes the throughts away and leaves.

She's not been there for five whole months.

Driving towards Maya's house the italian carefully holds the cups on the seat at her right and
eventually pulls up in front of the small villa. Running past the little gate she pushes the doorbell
with her elbow, being both hands occupied with the cups.

The door opens and the italian allows herself a second to look at her wife. Maya's blue eyes shine
for the bright morning sun and look somehow more blue, crystal blue. She smiles.

"Am I late? I don't want to make you late for shift if you're on shift. Anyway here is your latte.
With caramel." She hands Maya the cup and smiles a little brighter when their fingers touch. She
tries to hide it though. "Have a good day." Carina leaves after looking one last time at her.

"Yeah. You too." Maya's reply comes unexpected. Carina hides the huge smile plastered on her
face and turns one last time to say bye.

Maya closes the door behind herself and heads to the kitchen sipping her warm caramel coffee
while pulling her backpack on the shoulder to leave for work.

"Day two."

"She's not gonna come." Maya paces around the livingroom. She knew it without a doubt that it
wouldn't last long but was hopeful Carina would try a little harder to gain her trust back, at least
until day ten, not just eight. Not that she thinks things will actually go back to the way they were
before, losing a child is not something that can be overcome, but she hoped it would mean a little
more to the italian. The chance to have her back.

"She is, just give her time, maybe things ran late at the hospital." Vic explains sitting on the couch
with her own cup of coffee she's made with Maya's beans. Carina taught her how to use that
machine ages ago.

"She said she finished at eleven last night." Maya purses her lips and takes a seat on the couch next
to her friend. She huffs and crosses arms on her chest. Vic chuckles when she sees her behaving
like a child and wonders what Maya actually wants from all this situation.

"Maya. Do you want to trust your wife or not?" She asks placing the cup on the coffee table in
front of the couch and turning her full attention back to the blonde.

"Can I?" Maya chuckles nervously, her eyes welling up with tears a little bit. She knows she's
supposed to. It feels like she owes Carina at least a little trust but it makes her wanna cry and
scream and puch a wall the simple thought of what happened the past five months. Looking down
at the coffee table an image she wanted to forget comes to the surface forcing her to shake her head
to make it go away.

"Look I don't think she wants to mess with you about this. If she's not here yet I'm sure she has her
reasons and maybe you can, you know, talk, about it. I don't understand if you want to give her the
chance to try here or not." Vic nods and takes one of Maya's hands in her own.

"You know sometimes I hate that you're so whise." The blonde sniffles and runs her free hand
through her own hair.

"I have my secret weapons. Plus, I know the italian and she can be just as stubborn as you are. You
only have to decide if you want to take a step in her direction to make her path shorter." She barely
manages to finish saying those words when the doorbell rings making her smile and bow her head
down just as Maya pushes herself on her feet by her thighs and heads to the door to open it and give
Carina a look she didn't actually want to give her.

"I know. I'm sorry. I had an emergency C-section and didn't have time to text you about it. But, so
that you could forgive me, I went to the new italian caffè that opened on Lincoln's street and got
you the one and only cappuccino." She gently gives the blonde her cup and looks inside, saying hi
to Vic who exchanges a small smile with her. "Have a good day bambina."

Maya's heart races. She felt for the first time in months the word warm her soul. Maya hides a
smile by bowing her head down looking at the floor and Carina purses her lips together nodding
her head.

"Yeah. Sorry." The italian chuckles nervously and turns her head to the side, actually hiding her
glazing eyes.

"You don't have to apologize." Maya nods and wraps both hands around the cup to warm her hands.
It's strangely cold this morning given it's already half past ten.

"I don't want to make things harder." Carina explains and gives her wife a smile.

"You're not." The blonde replies before holding the door with one of her hands to signal Carina that
she probably has to leave. The brunette knows but allows herself one more second.

"I will see you tomorrow."

-

"Oh. Hi. Is Maya home?" Carina asks when Jack opens her wife's door at 8 AM. The italian
carefully controls her thoughts. There's no need to doubt and she knows that. But why is Jack in
Maya's place?

"Ehm...no. No she's not." The lieutenant shakes his head and looks inside the house for a split
second before walking out closing the door behind his back.

"I'm just here for the coffee you know." Carina explains lifting Maya's cup. She's pretty sure
everyone at 19 knows about this so it's awkward the fact that it seems like Jack doesn't want to let
her do it.

"No I know but...weren't you on shift last night?" He points at the italian and frowns. He
remembers cause Maya has Carina's schedule printed on the fridge, to know when the brunette can
actually bring her coffee during the week.

"I was yes." Carina nods and furrows her brows in cofusion. Why can't he just let her in whatever
is happening.

"You didn't see..." He points down at Carina's left hand with which she's holding her phone,
probably turned off.

"Jack?" Carina asks taking her phone to turn it on since she's decided to keep it shut down for the
whole night to avoid distractions from her pager. A sense of worry settles in her chest when, once
on, the phone shows at least twelve missed calls from the team.

"We called more than once but you didn't answer so we thought you already knew." Jack's cryptic
words make Carina want to yell at her face he has to think faster and better about what to say
before actually opening his mouth.

"What Jack? What do I have to know." She opens the texts arrived along with the missed calls and
waits for Jack answer.

"Look, it turned into a three alarm fast and so the Battalion Chief decided to take charge of the
scene so she went inside with us but -" The italian finally reads the long awaited text that gives her
some king on explenation: 'Maya got injured. We're at Grey Sloan.' arrived from Andy about five
hours ago. She lets the cup fall on the yard and immediatly runs to the Porsche starting it to drive
to Grey Sloan, Jack's voice echoing in the back . "Carina! Carina!"

She thinks she's never driven so fast in her life. Especially while fighting the growing sense of
worry and the need of throwing up at the pit of her stomach. She holds the steering wheel so hard
her knuckles turn white but finally arrives at the hospital and runs inside, ignoring the few drops of
coffee on her coat.

"Where is she?" She asks immediately when she sees Bailey in the ER probably waiting for her.
She wonders for which crazy reason noone came to call her in the office but then remembers she
left early the night before cause Jo suggested she could take care of the quietness of the
department. No labouring mom and no emergency.

"Carina calm down." The Hospital Chief tries to calm her by taking hold of her forearms, Carina
pushing her aside to walk through the emergency room and get to her wife's room.

"Col cavolo che mi calmo. Where is she?" She walks room after room but seems not to find Maya
in any of those, worry raising in chest like a tidal wave. Why isn't she anywhere?

"No. I'm not telling you if you don't take a deep breath and regain some of your composure."
Bailey stops her pulling by the shoulders, which she realises is kind of difficult cause the italian is
a lot taller than she is.

"Bailey." Carina speaks in a terrified whisper once she's taken a deep breath to calm her racing
heart. She needs to see her wife cause the simple thought of something happening to her makes
Carina sick. Cause she can't even imagine a life without her. Even though Carina lived it for five
months, she knew Maya was safe on the opposite side of the world, especially emotionally safe.
From the pain of losing another child.

"Follow me." Miranda instructs gently guiding Carina through the ER to the very last trauma room.
The door is closed and curtains pulled so Carina can't immediately see inside but Miranda gives her
a quick and definitely reassuring smile before pulling the door open.

"Bambina." Carina's shoulders relax completely and the tears stop streaming down her face. She
sighs loudly and closes her eyes for a split second before refocusing fully on Maya's cheeky grin.

"Sorry. I missed your coffee." The smirk on her face and Maya's attitude make Carina understand
they probably gave her a little something for the pain. She has a nasty cut on her head which has
already been taken care of and a few smaller cuts on her chin and cheek, a purple bruise on the
other. Her uniform is a little cut in some places around her body and she holds the oxygen mask on
her face, but other than that, Maya is fine. Her wife is fine.

"Are you okay?" She asks taking a few steps forward in her direction unsure of how close Maya
wants her to be before pulling the chair from the side of the room closer to the bed sitting on it.

"Mh. Yeah just some scrapes and bruises. A few stitches here and there and some smoke
inalation." The blonde tries to raise herself in a better sitting position but rests wrong on a bruise on
the left side of her body and grimaces in a little pain. "Ouch." She chuckles before meeting
Carina's worried eyes. "I'm okay though." She reassures her. God those eyes. Maya tries not to
think too much about those magnetic hazel balls but it's always been impossible. So it still is.

"You scared me. And I didn't even know you were here." Carina shakes her head and eventually
takes hold of Maya's free hand, the one that's not holding the oxygen mask.
The blonde pulls it down to speak but Carina takes it and places it back on Maya's face before she
can even open her mouth.

"I actually threatened everyone not to call you." The firefighter says, the mishevious look on her
face fading a little, maybe the meds are not that strong.

"Why?" Carina asks confused furrowing her brows deeply, seeking for an explenation. It comes
simply through Maya's eyes. They're not quite there yet.

"I understand." She nods and releases the hold on Maya's hand, feeling suddenly guilty,
embarassed and sad. Sad that on the twentieth day of coffee not much changed.

"Sorry." Maya says honestly, gently pushing Carina's head up with two fingers under her chin. Her
eyes glaze over when she meets Maya's tired ones.

"No I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Maya." The italian says almost in a plead. Her wife is right she's so
right. Nothing change and it will probably take ages to. But Carina is willing to wait. She's willing
to say she's sorry for the next ten months, ten years, ten decades.

"I know." Maya nods, somehow reassuring her a little bit. "I almost had a panic attack." She adds
then looking mindlessly out of the room cause, unlike she asked, they left the door opened. She
sighs waiting a split second for Carina's question.

"What? When? Why?" One thing the brunette has always been so supportive of, so helpful with, so
careful with, was Maya's psycological state. That doesn't change now.

"Cause they wanted to bring me here but I didn't want to. It's-it's the first time since..." She points
around at the hospital and then meets Carina's eyes. They're filled with unshed tears just like hers.
Maya has never walked into this building for the past five months. Not ever since Andrea died. She
didn't want to either before and put up a fight that subsided only when she felt extremely dizzy for
the hit on her head and realised she probably truly needed to get to the hospital.

"Yeah." Carina nods and whipes away and escaped tear looking herself outside the room at the
busy ER. She actually doesn't remember much about that day. It's kind of a blur in her head. She's
not sure she was that conscious while they were there.
Maya sniffles and regains her full attention. She sees the blonde's eyes fighting sleep and Maya
yawns.

"Try to rest a little bit okay? I'm gonna be right outside this door." She holds Maya's mask better on
her face and makes the bed slide in a laying position. Her wife's don't stay opened for much longer.
She gently runs a hand through Maya's sweaty hair and walks out, closing the door behind herself
and releasing the tension.

"Carina?" Andy asks when walking back into the ER she sees the italian rubbing her chest and
pulling her shirt, tears welling up in her eyes. Carina rests bowing down on her knees and bursts out
crying.

Andy is quick to get to her and guide her to the floor, wrapping both arms around Carina's shaking
with sobs body.

"Hey. Hey it's okay. She's okay. She's okay."

"How are you?" Carina asks as soon as the door opens. She's been worrying for the better part of
the day for the past five ones. They discharged Maya that same night after they assured Andy
would stay home with her to make sure she would take care of herself.

"Better. Going back to work next shift." Maya says with a small smile and nods.

"Good. That's good. Ehm...here's coffee and-" Carina hands her wife the cup but gets interrupted
mid sentence by the blonde.

"Do you wanna come in? I could show you the house around." Maya keeps the door opened and
takes a step back, gesturing for Carina to walk in. She knows the italian is not on shift this
morning, it's written on the board.
"I'm-si. Okay." Carina hesitates for a second. She hesitates because it feels awkward that Maya
finally trusts her a bit more and feels ready to let her in. Not just in the house, but a little back in her
life.

"Good." Maya nods and closes the door behind both of them.

She brings Carina throughout the kitchen, livingroom, out in the yard and shows her the cover
pool. They get back inside and up the stairs walking by the master bedroom and bathroom, closet
filled only with Maya's clothes and then at the end of the hallway to the last room.

"And the guest bedroom. The walls are green because-" Maya explains as they walk in, gesturing
to the walls.

"It's his favourite colour. This was supposed to be his room." Carina nods in understanding and
gives her wife a quick smile.

"Mh mh." Maya hums taking the last sip of her coffee and grimacing for the amount of sugar at the
bottom of the cup.

"I didn't know you made such a huge work on this. This place is amazing Maya." Carina nods,
trying to hide the tears forming in her eyes knowing this was supposed to be their home. Of all of
them. Of the four of them. And a dog, cause Andrea always wanted a dog.

"Thanks. Yeah every time you were on shift I dropped him at my mom's house and came here to
work." Maya explains with a soft chuckle, remembering how hard it was everytime to convince
Andrea not to say where he went those days so Carina wouldn't suspect anything.

"How is she by the way?" The italian asks when she hears Maya mention her mom. The blonde
doesn't know they talked on the phone last month plus Carina didn't ask anything to her mother in
law about how she was.

"Good. She's good. She found another job at a private company. Likes it much more than the last
one." Maya chuckles thinking back about all the times Katherine complained with them about her
boss and collegues and all the things they made her do which she hated in that office.

"God she hated that job." Carina laughs out loud, bringing a sense of warmth in Maya's heart. She's
missed that laughter but didn't realise it till now.

"She really did, yeah." Maya laughs along bringing hand on her stomach. It subsides not long later
and they look at each other in the eyes for a little while, silently appreciating one another presence.

"Um...thank you." Carina eventually says, starting to walk towards the stairs.

"Of course." Maya nods, walking forward as if she wanted to do something more, Carina looking
at her expentantly. Nothing happens though.

"Hope you'll feel better soon and...have a good day." The italian says and finally walks down the
stairs, opens the door on her own and walks out without waiting for Maya's answer.

"You too, Carina."

-
Maya holds the phone in her hand for a while before finally unlocking it to text her.

'I don't expect you to show up today, but feel free to talk to me if you need.'

Plain and simple. She doesn't have the strength to say anything else. Not today. The door of her
bedroom opens and pulls her out of her head.

"Morning." Andy says once she walks in carrying a tray with some breakfast.

"Hi." Maya mumbles, wrapping herself in the blanket. She thought about going out for a run and
come back at the end of the day but the idea makes her sick. She's been fighting tears the whole
night and needs something, anything else to focus on.

"I brought you something to eat cause I know that you don't want to, but you have to." Anything
other than this. Maya wants to throw up as soon as Andy walks in with the tray and shakes her
head, hiding it under the blanket.

"I really don't feel like eating Andy." The answer comes a little later, the latina patiently waited for
it standing by the door the whole time. She sighs. She knows Maya doesn't feel like doing anything
at all today and she can't blame her. It's Andrea's birthday today.

"Maya..." She starts, looking for some comfort words she knows will do close to nothing to help
the blonde.

"Don't. Please."

"She can't hear us." Amelia says knocking once again at the italian's door. They've been there for
about twenty minutes but for now Carina hasn't come at the door.

"Well get inside then." Teddy insists tapping the neurosurgeon on the shoulder. She's going crazy
over the fact that Amelia Sheperd decided to be reasonable now out of all the times it was needed.
She's getting worried over what they might find once inside but knows they can't wait any longer.

"We can't just force ourselves in her apartment." Jo replies quickly pointing at the door, speaking a
little louder than necessary. Teddy frowns.

"We've done that plenty of times for stupid reasons so we're doing this now. Now that it's the only
time she needs us to." She defends herself and gestures for Amelia to give her the keys to the
apartment. Carina gave her a pair a few weeks ago.

"Okay. Okay come on." She gives the cardiosurgeon the keys and nods. As Teddy inserts them in
the lock the door opens from inside and Carina looks down at them.

"What are you doing?" She asks tiredly. Her eyes are puffy and she's wearing a large sweatshirt
over her comfort clothes: Maya's 19 t-shirt and jogger pants.

"Hi. We brought comfort." Teddy says as Jo raises in the air a few boxes of ice cream and smiles
warmly at her boss friend.

"I was about to just get out of here so...thanks but no." Carina shrugs, turns to take the purse and
pulls sunglasses on her face to hide her puffy eyes before walking past them slamming the door
closed behind herself making Amelia jump on her feet.
She doesn't feel like comfort, She doesn't feel like friends. She just wants to cry out the exhaustion
this day is bringing and take her wife somewhere she's never been. Cause this can't continue
forever, this denial of what happened nine months ago.

"Carina." She hears them calling gently from behind but continues her walk outside, ignoring,
avoiding, denying.

"Told you we had to bring gelato."

"You're here." Maya says when, opening the door she's met with her wife. Carina doesn't have a
coffee though and looks clearly not as good as she always does, hiding her face behind glasses and
playing nervously with her rings.

"I'm taking you somewhere now, and I don't care about what you're gonna say. So get in the car
please." She says firmly turning to walk to the car allowing Maya to do the same right after she
took her coat.

"Okay." The blonde says while climbing on the car. She obviously wonders where Carina wants to
take her but can't actually suspect or think about anything. Not that she wanted to go out but clearly
Carina didn't leave much room for explenation. She wraps her coat tight around her body cause it's
really cold outside.

"Are you crying?" Maya asks when she hears Carina sniffle at her right and leans a bit forward to
look at her.

"Are you not?" The brunette replies without taking eyes off of the road. Her tone is a bit annoyed
probably. Carina doesn't understand why Maya expected anything different on this day. The
blonde nods and rests back on the seat.

She looks outside the window and the road doesn't seem too familiar on that side of town. She
thinks back about the car rides with Andrea. He loved the car and the views outside the window.
Maya swallows loudly before turning back towards her wife.

"Where are we going?" She asks feeling her chest get a little tight and some anger crept in her
stomach. She hates the fact that Carina gave no warning.

"I'm not telling you till we get there." The italian replies quickly. She know her wife well enough
to be fully aware of Maya's restless state right now, but otherwise, if she's told her where she
wanted to take her the blonde would have never accepted it.

They turn right twice and head down a long road before pulling up in front of a familiar place
Maya vowed she'd never come to ever again.

"Carina take me home." She says immediately regretting the decision of following Carina without
knowing where she would take her. She looks at the dirty white big building and shakes her head.

"No." The italian replies taking the seat belt off and opening the car door. She hates forcing Maya,
and the last thing she wants is upset her wife. But she wether deals with this or it will slowly eat her
alive at the pit of her stomach, draining her energies throughout the day.

"Carina I mean it." Maya almost pleads reaching her hand forward to grab Carina's arm with the
intention of pulling her back in the car. The italian turns quickly towards her and pulls her glasses
 off. She looks so tired Maya almost bursts out crying right then and there.

"Me too. I mean it too. It's not possible you haven't been here in nine months. It's crazy, it's sick
and sad and it disappoints me. So now we go in there and we finally, together aknowlege the fact
that we've lost a child. That our son died Maya. And it hurts, I know it does. Without a doubt. But
I'm tired of seeing you every single morning pushing down the need of breaking down after such a
long time. So break down now." She pushes finally walking out of the car and waiting for the
blonde to do the same. Maya takes a deep breath and tries to steady the beating of her heart before
following her wife inside the building.

They walk through it and head to the end of the large park, walking through hundreds of graves
and people who silently give their respect to their loved ones.
Maya walks slowly, her body feeling drained of any energy and prays whoever needs to be praied
that she won't break down. She doesn't have the energy nor the intention but Carina is right. Maya
is aware her wife is right about all this. After all this time she never processed what happened and
knows that somehow neither did Carina. Cause her whole body is slightly tremblind, Maya noticed
it when she raises a hand to run It through her own hair and sees her hands are shaking.

They stop in front of the little graves that belong to the children and Maya remembers exactly,
without a single doubt which one is her son's. Fourth from the left in the third line from the bottom.
She shakes her head and clenches her jaw to prevent herself from crying, staying a bit back when
Carina walks closer to the grave.
She turns and feels her heart break in a thousand pieces when she sees how miserable Maya looks
and suddenly regrets everything. Like a tidal wave she's washed over with regret. How could she
leave her behind like that when Maya can't ever take those three steps that bring her over Andrea's
grave?

Carina extends her hand forward and Maya finally does that. Those three steps are slowly made,
each one followed by a tear that streams down her cheek.
Maya falls on her knees as soon as she sees the smiling face of her son on the marble. Carina thinks
she hasn't seen a single picture of him for the past nine months. The italian wraps her arms around
her wife's limp body and cries along, letting everything out with her, mindless of the eyes around
focusing on them.

"I'm here. I'm right here."

Chapter End Notes

Well... let's go.

I really loved writing this chapter.

Not gonna say much now but...Thank you all so much for your comments and kudos,
you always truly warm my heart.

Let me know what you think about this chapter, if you like how I wrote it.

Love you

Giulia_Rachel
 Chapter 7
Chapter Notes

Ciao!

I'm sorry I wasn't able to update yesterday as usual but I got a pretty busy weekend.

Anyway here is chapter 7. Hope you enjoy.

See the end of the chapter for more notes

"Do you want some water?" Carina asks holding the glass in front of her wife's face as she lays in
bed. Maya shakes her head with such a lack of force that it's almost imperceptible to Carina's eyes.
"No? Okay." The italian nods but decides to leave the glass on the bedside table in case Maya
wakes up thirsty. She knows she's gonna sleep throughout the entire day cause Carina sees it is
probably the first time the blonde has actually allowed herself to feel all the exhaustion and all the
sadness about what happened.

"I'm just gonna be in the livingroom if you need anything." The brunette speaks while reaching for
the door's handle, meeting Maya's unfocused eyes for a brief moment and then walking out.

She heads to the kitchen first and starts rummaging around searching for some utensils with which
cook Maya something. Plus it is a big distraction for her. A distraction from the excrutiating pain
she's feeling in her heart now at not being able, not having the possibility of actually taking care of
Maya like a partner should do. She's wasted that chance.

She finds a few clean bowls and fills almost all of them with flour but notices quite early it is not
much. Taking Maya's keys from the little table at the entrance she decides to walk out and head to
the first store she finds to fill a basket with flour, sugar, salt, eggs, tomatoes, cheeses (not italian
but that will do) and many, many other things that will probably keep her occupied for the rest of
the day.

Once back home she sets everything on the counter and starts doing everything she knows by heart.
Remembering days and nights spent cooking with her mamma and nonna, with her zie.

And so that's why Andy finds the italian surrounded by cups, spoons and bowls full of flour,
homemade pasta hanging from the tiny wood structure made for the purpose. She has no idea
where Carina might have found it. She was pretty sure Maya had thrown away all of Carina's
belongings the day she left this apartment. The day she decided to move out.

"What do you want to do with this?" Vic pulls out the first picture of Carina's vagina art and shows
it to the blonde. Maya barely gives a look before shrugging her shoulders.

"Throw it away." She states and gets back to her own filling box. She's putting all of her wife's
toiletries there. She's pretty sure where they're going to end up so the box she's using is a half
broken one.

"Along with the others?" Vic asks pointing at all the other pictures that were hanging on the walls.
Maya nods and stands to carry the full box downstairs.

"Are we going to actually support her through all this?" Vic says whisper yelling at her friend,
waving the pictures in the air before shuffing them in the box. She remembers when she first
walked into Maya's apartment after Carina moved in. All those drawings picturing nothing else but
aesthetic vaginas made her feel quite embarassed. Plus it was so not like Maya to have those
haning on her walls, smaller ones filling the negative space of the shelves Maya was so attached to.
That's exactly when Vic understood her captain loved that woman unconditionally.

"Vic." Andy breathes out in defeat. She knows Vic misses Carina just as much as they all do. And
she has no intention to tell Maya what she's supposed to do or not when she's hurting enough for
what happened. The blonde shut everything down and Andy knows and refuses for now to touch,
press the wrong button or pull the wrong thing out of her best friend breaking Maya for good.

"She's throwing everything away. Everything Andy. That is not normal." Vic shakes her head and
closes one of the boxes with some tape, writing 'Maya's running shoes' on it with a marker.

"What are we supposed to tell her?" Andy asks throwing her arms in the air and looking back at
her friend, being her sight pulled away from the box containing Carina's medical journals. She
remembers Carina reading them on the couch, glasses put on the tip of her nose and pencil and
highlighter in hand to underline all the important stuff regarding any improvement on obstetric's
stuff.
She used to write in italian on little sticky notes that they would always find attached around the
apartment. Somethings about 'cervice', 'neonato', 'anestesia' and another one that was written
almost identical to the english translation: 'orgasmo'.
She's always admired Carina's talent, her passion. And she's always admired how her brain would
think in italian and then speak in english when hers had simply learned to do both things in the
american language.

"I don't know, maybe that Carina will come back in a few and she might want to find her
underwear still in the drawer?" Vic raises one of Carina's panties in the air before letting them fall
back in the box with the italian's clothes and closes it, writing 'Carina's clothes' at the top.

"Do you really think she will come back?" Andy honestly asks looking down at one of the
thousand pictures of the Deluca-Bishop's that where hanging around. She smiles a little, her eyes
watering at Andrea's wide smiling figure. They were at the station that day. She remembers it well.

"We have to hope, right?" Vic replies taking hold of that same picture Andy is handing her and
giving it a fast look before putting it in the box full of the pictures of the three or two of them. She
didn't know they were so many to fill two whole boxes.

"I don't know Vic. I think it'll take much longer than you think." Andy nods and closes the box,
writing 'D-B's pictures' on it.

"Are you done with the pictures?" Maya appears at the door and points and the now closed boxes.

"We're done with Carina's clothes and pictures yes." Vic says standing up and holding the pictures'
one in her arms. It's heavy. Cause it's been so long, it's been so much time spent together, so many
moments worth remembering.
"Wanna help me get them downstairs?" Maya points at the door and heads towards them to do the
same and take one box to fill and then carry to the car. One of hers.

"Yes. Of course." Andy nods smiling, thinking Maya wants to keep those. The pictures. The
memories.

"Good. There's still room for these two in the trash cans." The blonde gives them a tight lipped
smile and kneels down to put her running gears in a different box form the one Vic filled with her
shoes.

The latina sighs and nods at her friend, helping Vic out to put the boxes in the trash cans. They both
know that going agaist Maya's will would only make things worse and harder than they already
are.

The blonde upstairs gets to the kitchen and opens some of the cabinets to check they're all empty,
being almost everything already downstairs ready to be wheeled to the new place. She doesn't
know why she decided to not only keep it but actually going to live there. Maya knows there are no
actual memories there but it is related to them both. It is where their life together was supposed to
continue. They were supposed to thrive there, they were-

There's Carina's pasta drier in the cabinet. Just one cause Andrea broke the other while playing
with his fire truck. It took them about an hour to convince him not to set it on fire to make his
playing more realistic but it eventually damaged anyway.
The other one, intact, is watching her from the last shelf of the cabinet. She hardly gets to it,
reaching her hand up to finally swirl her fingers around one of the ends and pull it down gently.

She goes back to the hallway where all the boxes are laying and takes a brand new one, smaller
than the others and fills it with old newspapers and wrapping paper, then sets the wood structure in
and closes it, writing 'kitchen' on the top once the box is closed.

"What are you doing here?" Andy asks setting her backpack on the couch and walking towards the
still cooking italian. Carina was humming a song she had already heard somewhere.

"We just got back from Lakeview cemetery." The italian explains without taking her eyes off of the
bowls at hand.

"Oh." Andy hums. She's been trying to do that with her best friend for nine months and Carina just
took her there. Simple as that. She quickly glances towards the stairs.

"Yeah. She's asleep." Carina adds before forcefully squeezing the pasta she's making to pass it
under the rolling pin.

"You've been...cooking." Andy finally takes her jacket off and hangs it by the door, returning to
give a look at all the pasta the italian has made, probably enough to feed a whole army. Ten whole
armies.

"The fridge was empty." Carina explains. She avoids saying she's been doing this just to relax the
tention of the day and avoid thinking about nothing but her dead kid.
"Yeah I know I didn't have much time lately cause I'm trying to take care of the reports she's not
finishing so I didn't go grocery shopping yet." Andy shrugs pulling at the sleeves of her sweatshirt
and sitting on one of the stools by the kitchen island.

"No it's okay. I did it." Carina nods giving the latina a soft smile. They look at each other for a few
seconds before a sadden look on Andy's face breaks eye contact between them.

"Carina I'm -" Andy starts, she knows a little part of her was supposed to go and see Carina after
Maya told her the real reason why she left.

"You don't need to say anything Andy." Carina warmly replies, finally hanging the last few strays
of pasta on the drier.

"She told me everything and in the past four months I didn't even show up at your door." The
latina explains, feeling embarassed for being such a bad friend when she finally understood her
reasons.

"All I need to know is that she's not alone." Carina finishes cleaning her hands in a towel and
resting her back on the counter behind her. That's what matters most. What always mattered most.
The only thing that mattered.

"You two..." Andy shakes her head and smiles. How the love betweeng those two didn't dissipate a
bit in the past nine months, she doesn't know. Andy has always knows Carina would never fall out
of love with her wife, but seeing it so evident now makes her heart swell and gives her a sense of
sadness when she thinks about what they've been through.

"What?" Carina asks with a chuckle, thinking for a split second Andy was gonna say something
funny.

"I really don't understand why among all the people, the bad people in this world, that had to
happen to the two of you." This shuts Carina for a good minute. Her legs slightly shaking under the
sudden weight that's fallen on her shoulders. It's something she's always wondered in the past nine
months. Why them? Why him?

"Everytime I got hurt when I was just a bambina or my papà had one of his episodes, my mamma
would bring me to the beach just to tell me one thing. It loses something in translation but she used
to point at the sea and say: 'You see that? That's the sea and look at the boat floating on it. How
small it is. That's how small pain is compared to happiness.'" She explains running a now dry hand
through her hair and sitting on the stool across Andy's. "And when she died I got there, to our
beach and dived in the sea, hoping and asking for the waves to wash away my pain and bring me
joy. That's what made me move to America and be with Andrea. I did the same when my brother
died and married Maya the next week. I did the same when our bambini died and that joy, that
happiness made me come back."

Andy remains speechlesa for a while. Her running thoughts interrupted just by the sound of feet
patting down the stairs.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to fall asleep."

-
"I'm home amori miei." Carina announces softly walking inside the apartment and carrying a small
tray of italian pastries in her free hand. She kicks her shoes off and head to the livingroom hoping
to find her wife and kid waiting for her to come back.

"Maya?" She asks when she notices the light is off along with the TV and the couch is empty.
Turning back towards the kitchen she sets the tray on the counter and pulls her coat off, shrugging
off some of the december's snow. Andrea's new toys are still sprawled around the hallway. The
station gifted him with every Lego on the market they found for his second birthday.

"Andrea?" She asks again, a little bit annoyed by all the toys he didn't put back together where
they're supposed to stay. She gets a little worried though when opening Andrea's bedroom door she
finds it empty.

"Wha-?" The italian whispers when she sees her wife laying in bed, her hair scattered on the
pillow. Their kid curled up under Maya's arm carefully wrapped around his tiny body. Tiny but
growing, Carina thinks. Carefully walking towards the bed she bows down to place a kiss on their
foreheads.

"Buonanotte meraviglie." She whispers smiling down at her family, sniffling away the emotions of
the day suddenly resurfacing.

Carina gets back to the kitchen and fills herself a glass of wine while opening a brand new journal
she stole from the hospital. Nobody needs to know.
Reading through the first few pages she feels her eyelids and head get heavier and heavier by the
second but fights the sleep listening a long podcast about surgeries and births. Maya always
wondered how is it possible that the best sleeping pill for everyone is actually what keeps her
awake.

What finally brings her completely back to life though is the sound of grown up steps crossing the
apartment to get to her side.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to fall asleep." Maya mumbles while rubbing her eyes with both hands.
Carina softly lowers them knowing how easily they get red by rubbing. Maya's blue orbs focus on
her.

"You clearly needed to." She nods leaning forward to meet Maya's lips in a warm and welcoming
kiss. She stays for a bit longer though, savouring Maya's flavour and sighing as she rests her
forehead on Maya's chest.

"Are you okay?" The blonde asks running a hand through her wife's long hair and closing her eyes
for a bit longer.

"Mh mh." The brunette hums, the soft gesture almost makes her fall asleep but there's something
pushing to be told in the back of her head.

"Carina." Maya insists, gently pulling her wife's head up to look her in the eyes. She silently asks,
giving Carina a warm smile, what happened and if she wants to talk about it.

"What would you say if I asked you to try and have another bambino?" The italian finally speaks
after at least thirty uninterrupted seconds. A glint in her eyes, barely perceptible, makes itself
known.

"What?" Maya asks in disbelief, smiling down confused at her wife. She's pretty sure they had a
kid two years ago. It makes her laugh.
"I want Andrea to have what my brother and I had. What you and your brother had before
everything fell apart. I want him to have that bond." The italian explains, getting suddenly a lot
more serious and looking down at her hands. Maya notices and takes hold of Carina's with her own,
guiding her chin up to see the glistening look in her eyes. "And I wanna make sure that when we
leave he won't be alone." Carina finishes, swallowing down the sad memory of the mother she lost
this afternoon, the mother who left her only child alone, not much older than their son.

Maya whipes away the tear that spilled out of her eye and leans forward to kiss the italian on the
lips.

"We're gonna have another baby. We're gonna have ten more babies."

"You clearly needed to." Carina nods pulling another stool out for Maya to sit on. She looks so
small in her short pj's. Carina remembers the day she bought those joggers while on vacation, when
it was still just the two of them.

Maya looks sideways to the kitchen island full of bowls and wodden spoons and then back at her
wife with a questioning frown on her face. Last time she ate a good italian meal was nine months
ago, when on Sunday Carina made her mother's special pasta alla norma. She can already taste the
flavour in her mouth.

"I was...cooking something and-" Carina knows there's no need to justify herself. She knows that
despite everything Maya knows her well enough to understand that was stress cooking. Enjoyable
stress cooking. When Maya had her hearing, which eventually led to her being captain again when
the italian had already left, Carina cooked at least four trays of tiramisù and ended up offering it at
the station.

"Thank you." The blonde warmly smile, tiredness still evident in her tone and on her face features.
It takes Carina all of her strength not to jump up and pull Maya's lips on her own.

"I'm gonna go shower now. Let me know if there's anything you need." Andy speaks after a few
embarassing moments of silence, knowing that as long as she stays nobody will say anything.
Especially Maya.
Being her best friend doesn't mean being as important as Carina is to the blonde. Cause there's
something between the two of them that no other bond will ever have as strong. A something that
is unbreakable, that has no limits.

"Yeah, thanks." Maya nods, squeezing Andy's hand when the latina taps her on the shoulder,
leaving for the guest room upstairs.

Silence lingers for about fifteen minutes before Maya clears her throat and gathers some of the
courage that had dissipated earlier.

"You know...I still have a picture of you two. It's in my wallet. I'm pretty sure it's the only one I've
kept." She stands from the stool and goes to the little table by the door to get her wallet, gently pull
the picture out and hand it to her wife. Maya smiles in the gesture when their fingertips touch.
Carina notices but doesn't make a scene out of it.

"Oh my god. It's on Christmas." She smiles fondly, looking down at her son's happy face, his Santa
hat barely hanging on his head as Maya holds him tight in her strong arms, Carina carefully placing
a kiss on his puffy cheek, her hand securely behind Maya's back.

"It's the one Travis insisted for us to take cause we-"

"Cause we were a Christmas card family." Carina laughs, sending a shiver down Maya's spine.
That laughter she's missed more than anything else in the entire universe. It is exactly like Andrea's
giggle. The best sounds in the world. The two she's been missing most.

"Yeah." She gets suddenly sad, looking down at the picture and letting her eyes fill up with tears.
She's still tired cause she didn't sleep much in the past few hours. Moslty stared at the cieling
waiting for an inspiration. But the tiredness doesn't make her any less sad than she is. Cause their
son was supposed to turn three today, and the fact that he didn't, the fact that he won't be with them
on Christmas doesn't make her even want to celebrate it.

"He deserved to have more Christmas's." Carina whispers, running her thumb over Andrea's figure
and then Maya's. She sets the picture on the table and looks up at Maya's eyes just as her reply
comes.

"He deserved to have everything." Maya states honestly, sharpening. Her words stabbing Carina's
heart. She'd be willing to do anything to get him back. To get him back even just to stop seeing that
broken look on Maya's face. To stop hearing those words come from her mouth.

"I'd give anything for him to be here you know. I'd give my own life for him to be here." Carina is
so honest that it breaks Maya's heart in a million pieces. The grief making itself known as big as it
can be. She's allowed to feel it.

"I don't think I could do this without you." Maya says just as honestly. Though Carina did the
worst thing she could possibly do, though she hated her wife so much, despite all the hurt Maya
never, ever doubted of Carina's presence in her life. Her rock, her north, her star.

"Maya." Carina almost pleads for her wife to look her in the eyes and Maya does just that, meeting
brown with her blue orbs. Her world stops spinning for a second but immediatly restarts when
Maya speaks again.

"I stopped- I didn't jump off of that roof just because I knew you were somewhere, anywhere
waiting for the right time to come back to me. I never doubted that. You took your time just like I
took mine." The blonde lets a few tears fall, down her cheeks, on the pj's and on Carina's hand that
she's holding unaware.

"What do you mean?" The italian asks, suddenly pulling her hand away, feeling like Maya's made
her call. Taken her decision.

The blonde slowly raises from the stool and looks deeply into Carina's eyes, pushing the strands of
her hair behind her ears and then leans forward, cupping Carina's cheeks in her hands and meeting
her lips with hers.

Maya's stomach flutters, Carina's butterflies start moving around like a teenager. Every dark path
they were on feels blown away by light. Every bad thing, overcome with good.
When Maya breaks the kiss Carina's eyes remain close for a bit longer, her lips still pursed in kiss.
The blonde smiles and runs her thumb over Carina's cheekbones, somehow forcing her to open her
hazel eyes.

"Where does the good go if we don't allow ourselves that happiness again?"
Chapter End Notes

Yay! It makes me so happy to have written this. Not that they're already over what
happened but I really think this is going where it's supposed to.

So it might look like the last chapter before the epilogue but it is not. I still want to
explore the time they've been apart and how Maya will handle grief. Probably next
chapter will have the funeral :(

Let me know if you're happy with this or if you think I'm rushing it, I promise I won't,
you'll see in the next chapters anyway.

Love you all

Giulia_Rachel
 Chapter 8
Chapter Notes

So...yes. This is another chapter.

The thing is that yesterday has been a tough day at university and when I'm stressed or
angry or disappointed I write so...I thought about waiting to publish it but what's the
point?

Hope you enjoy.

See the end of the chapter for more notes

Dispatch to 19. Ladder 19. Engine 19. Aid Car 19. House fire on 15th street.

"Chop chop team." Maya calls while exiting her office in a run, immediately reaching the truck's
door to climb on while slipping her turnout on.

"Chop chop?" Travis asks while pulling the turnouts up and climbing on the truck himself, being
assigned there with Andy and Cutler who's driving.

"Let her be." Andy retorts closing the door just as the sirens start blaring out the presence of a fire
truck so that cars can pull to the side and let them pass through.

"Something happened right?" Travis asks keeping his headphones down so that only Andy can
hear what he's saying, being the noise too loud for the blonde on the front to hear.

"I'm not gonna say anything because it's not my place to tell." Andy shakes her head but fails
holding a small smile, immediatly regretting it but laughing at Travis' reaction

"Oh my - they're gonna get back together!" The male firefighter says almost standing up in the
truck for the excitement, yelling way too loudly.

"Travis!" Andy warns him to sit down being his gesture both impossibile for Maya not to see and
dangerous for himself when they're going that fast. He sits silently and looks Andy in the eyes still
way too excited. Everyone always saw how Travis shipped the Deluca-Bishop's.

"Shut. Up." The latina whispers pulling her own headphones on when they barely hear Maya wants
to talk to them about what they'll find on scene.

They get there ten seconds later and jump off the vehicles. Ben and Vic on Aid Car, everyone else
on engine.
The blonde Captain looks around the scene in front of them, the fire already making the structure
partially collaps.

"Come on 19 let's get this fire out." She slams the door shut and joins a very agitated woman who's
clearly been in there until a few moments ago.

"Ma'am." Maya speaks trying to stop the woman's frantic movements.

"They're inside. They're still inside." Maya knows she must be talking about her family, cause
that's a simple family house burning there, she hopes not too many people are inside though cause
the building Is barely hanging and she doesn't want to put her team in too much danger. But those
people must get out of there.

"Ma'am we need you to calm down. Please. Good." Maya gets her to control her breathing and
gives the woman a reassuring look, silently telling her they're gonna get whoever is inside, out.
"Now tell us. Who's still inside." She speaks so kindly that the woman's heart warms and calms
somehow, giving her the chance to explain.

"M-my husband and my son. They were upstairs and they're still inside." She breathes heavily, the
smoke clearly made its way in her lungs. Maya gestures for Vic to come closer so that she can take
care of her.

"We're gonna get them out ma'am. Follow the paramedics and get checked out please." The blonde
gently helps the woman to follow Vic and then turns fast towards the rest of the team to tell them
what to do and how she wants to make sure nobody acts like a hero today.

"Okay people we've got two victims upstairs, we don't know which room. The fire is not ventilated
and smoke is thick so please be quick and warn me if you can't find them. I don't want heroes in
there. Understood?" Her tone is sure and strong, forcing them to nod and understand that they'll
have to do as said, nothing else.

"Yes, Captain." They all respond in unison, earning a 'Good. 19!' off of their Captain, responding
loudly immediately after that. Just as they're about to put masks on a man comes running out of the
house, coughing and pantind to get out.

"Oh my god Trevor! Trevor!" The woman jumps up from the Aid Car where Vic and Ben are
treating her and runs towards her husband, wrapping both hands around his neck, happy, glad and
thankful he's fine.

"Where's Andrew?" The man asks once he pulls away. All of the firefighters' eyes focused on the
raging fire and on the couple. Knowing exactly where Andrew is.

"He's not with me." The woman replies, clearly thinking their son had ran out with her husband.
The man turns towards the house and lets go of his wife, quickly jogging towards the house.

"Andrew! Andrew!" Maya makes it just in time to pull the man back by his sleeve when the house
explodes and wood and glass pieces go flying around.

"Everyone stay back!" Maya manages to say before the air around them goes black for a moment
and they cover themselves and everyone else as much as they can.

When Maya finally manages to open her eyes again she notices a small drop of blood is running
down her left cheek, a piece of glass in it. She quickly pushes the man back, assuring herself Ben
will hold him and take care of him. She glances up at Andy and it takes the latina a split second to
understand what her Captain is about to do.

She yells 'Maya' but the blonde doesn't stop, pulling her mask on and making the glass go deeper in
her skin. She manages to mouth Andy an 'I can't let him go too' before running inside while pulling
her helmet on. The fire is still eating the collapsing house and everyone expects another explosion,
but their efforts screamed out at Maya to make her stop are useless.

The blonde makes her way in the building and yells at Andrew's name multiple times, the name
changing to Andrea not long after, images she's been trying to forget, resurfacing.
She sees the kid in the corner of a room covered in wood and dust, unconscious.
She pulls him on her shoulders fast and gets him out on the grass, Ben and Vic quickly on him.

Andy pulls her friend's mask off of her face and that's when Maya notices the throbbing pain in her
head related to a larger cut she's made probably with the explosion. She coughs out the smoke of
the house and takes a long sip of the water Andy is offering.

"What the hell Bishop!" Travis yells at her while keeping up most of her weight when the
adrenaline starts to leave the blonde's body. Maya though turns towards the couple and their
unconscious child. He looks so much like-

"Andrew! Andrew please." The mother cries out followed by the crying please of her husband.
Maya knows she could've run inside earlier. Her eyes well up with tears and Andy sees that
immediately.

"Maya. Don't go there." The latina whispers in the Captain's ear, hoping to pull Maya out of her
thoughts before they get too loud.

"No no no... I should've saved him."

"Let me help." Vic says while taking Maya's earrings in her own shaking hands, opening the
closure to slip them in the blonde's lobes.

"I should've saved him." Maya says motionless. Her face features barely moving as she speaks
those few words. The so present pain in her chest makes the hurt of her own biting tongue slightly
perceptible. She swallows cause she's not crying today.

"Maya." Andy breathes out when she hears the blonde say that. She had just walked in her room
carrying Maya's black coat, the one she wore also at Ryan's funeral. Andy always thought that
wearing black at a funeral was an overrated act of respect. Why the dead would care about your
clothes? Plus she's pretty sure Andrea wanted to see his mother dressed in his favourite t-shirt of
hers, the red one Maya bought for herself when they went in Italy.

"I'm a first respoder I should've saved my son." Maya states, relentless, still strongly believing it's
her fault. That's what's been harder to help her through. Probably more than the fact Carina left,
cause Maya has barely acknowledged that.

Andy gives in to her own need of wrapping Maya in her arms and holds her tight for a bit, Vic's
hand gently rubbing the blonde's back.
Maya sighs in the gesture before forcefully pushing Andy away and shaking her head.

"Is Amelia downstairs already?" Maya asks running a hand on her face and in her hair, releasing
the ponytail Vic did to keep her hair back as she dressed up.

"I-I think she is, yes." The younger firefighter says in reply, still holding one of Maya's earrings in
her left hand. She doesn't have the chance to put it on her though cause Maya storms out of her
room and towards the door, yelling something upstairs at the two of them.

"Let's get this over with."

When they get to the cemetery Maya doesn't bother saying hi or welcome to any of the present.
There's Travis and Emmett, Ben and Miranda along with Tuck and Joey who played with Andrea
every time they gathered. There's the rest of the team and Maya's mom, right by the coffin, a free
chair at her left, clearly for Maya.
There are a few others from Grey Sloan, Carina's collegues. Maya holds the sudden urge of forcing
them to go away. There's even Arizona Robbins in a corner, probably Carina used to chat with her
sometimes and she didn't know. Or maybe she did. Maya feels like she has erased that part of her
life for these first days. She's not sure this is the right way to process grief though.

Doctor Lewis gives Maya a soft look, exchanging a silent 'I'm so sorry for your loss' Maya was
hoping to avoid. She lost everything five days ago. What's the pity for?

When the priest starts his speech the blonde audibly sighs, wishing for the fuss to end pretty
quickly. Her mom's hand comes to hold hers but Maya pulls away immediately.
She sees everyone's eyes focus on her when it's time for the speech she was supposed to give but
Maya has no intention to do it, so she stays put on the chair, eyes focused on the tree ahead of her.

One single thought keeps repeating in her head. 'I should've saved him.'

It's Miranda who breaks the path of her running thoughts when she stands from her seat, holding
Ben's hand all the way to the middle, at the coffin's head. She breathes in once, twice, three times
before finally speaking.

"I - I don't think we can understand. None of us. We might have gone through the worst things. Car
accidents, tumors, miscarriages, plane crashes. We might have lost those that we loved: fathers,
mothers, brothers, sisters, husbands and wives. We might have felt shattered and useless in this
world. But I don't think we ever felt...alone. Cause we've always had someone by our side.
Someone who supported us when we made the worst mistakes. When we felt shattered. I don't
know why God wanted this." She raises her hands up above, a lone tear escaping her eye. "And I'm
not going to say any reassuring word to you Maya. But these people. The shattered ones gathered
here today...we are those who are going to make it a little less shattering." Bailey finishes, turning
to walk back next to her husband and whipes away her tears.

It's Teddy the next one. Owen is surprised when he sees her walk in the middle of the group to
speak. Cause Teddy has been blaming herself just as much as she did with Andrew's death. The
cardiosurgeon steadies her breathing.

"I hope you all know who's name Andrea brings. I don't believe in God or greater goods but...I
think, I'm pretty sure this kid came into this world to make sure his family could be happy just as
much as Andrew Deluca wanted it. Cause when these things happen it seems impossible, to believe
in happiness. I've never met a kid as happy as Andrea was to be alive. We all should've learned
from him." She nods a few times, trying to meet Maya's eyes while leaving. The blonde remains
unfocused though, listening to her friends' words, wondering if her son can hear. Wondering if
Carina would want to be there.

Travis is the last one. He appears from the last line, making his way through everyone else's tears
and sniffles. He stands with his head bowed down before whiping away his tears to speak.

"We lost a family once, in a very big and scary fire. It was probably six, seven months ago I think. I
was the one assigned to search and rescue on the floor we found them. There was no rescue that
needed to be done." His voice cracks but Travis quickly regains control of it. He's not too sure
where this is going, but needs to say this. He needs to. The reason unknown. "When we came back
from the scene, sad and - shattered, Carina and Andrea had come to visit and as soon as we landed
off of the truck he ran, as fast as I've ever seen someone running, to wrap his arms around Maya's
neck. He was maybe this tall." He gestures towards the ground, his hand waving at his knee to
mark Andrea's height. "And when he noticed we were all sad he spoke out and told us that there
was tiramisù in the fridge waiting to cheer us up." Maya remembers that. She remembers that
moment so clearly that her heart clenches in her chest and an uncontrolled sob escapes. Her
mother's arms quickly holding her. "I wonder if there's tiramisù where he is now. Cause I have it in
my fridge. To cheer me up."

"I said I'm fine." Maya laughs out while closing the house door behind her back. She pushes her
head back, regretting it immediately when her small wound throbbes.

"I know that bambina. I just want to avoid pulling you up from the floor when you pass out all
alone in three days from now. Your body decomposed in the livingroom surrounded by fire
protocols and coffee." The italian laughs hanging Maya's backpack by the door and helping her
take her shoes off. It makes Maya smile more than intended, to know that now Carina feels free to
take care of her, that they feel free to take care of each other again without the awkward feeling of
stepping into one another's buisness.

"That's - grim." Maya grimaces and laughs, holding her tired body by leaning on the door frame
with one hand. The smoothness of the white wood makes her think about the house of this
morning. It was definitely white before it burned down. She swallows the sad thought and looks
down at her wife who's finishing to pull her shoes off.

"You understood my point though." Carina shruggs, standing and then leaning forward to push
Maya's hair behind her ears and giving her a soft smile. She then takes her coat off and hangs it,
kicking her own shoes off.

"You don't have to stay." Maya tries to reassure her though she wants Carina to stay. She wants
Carina to never leave again. And her head is not quite good yet. She didn't realize how big that
piece of wood must have been until Amelia had to stitch her up at the ER.

"Will you kick me out?" The italian asks laughing. It warms Maya's heart more than any sound. It
almost makes her eyes well up with tears but looking down at the shoes Carina is taking off she
manages to hide it.

"No." The blonde shakes her head and takes a few steps forward to get to the kitchen counter and
take a glass out of the cabinet. Resting her weight on the surface Maya reaches weakly for it.

"Then I'm staying." Carina quickly appears at her side to take the glass and fill it with cold water
for the blonde to drink. Along with it she pulls out the medication Amelia prescribed for her to take
for the next five days.

"I hate that already." This makes Carina laugh out loud just as she fills the glass once more to take
a sip for herself.

"Bambina it'll taste like nothing, you can't hate it."

-

"I don't like it." Andrea whines shaking his head from side to side to avoid the fork Maya is
offering him. There's a yellow and green thing on that looks somehow wrong to the little boy.

"Oh come on I don't believe you, you didn't even taste it." Maya tries once more holding a chuckle
when Andrea protests again and pushes the fork away with his tiny hand.

"No Mommy." He repeats and Maya knows he's getting annoyed by this but that's just a zucchini so
there's really nothing to be afraid of. She thinks about it for a second before offering her kid
something she knows he won't refuse. Something she should regret offering.

"Okay how 'bout this. If you taste this I promise I will try one thing you cook for me tonight." She
gives him a warm and hopeful smile, reaching the fork a bit forward to his mouth. The grin she
recieves in responce makes her heart flutter. He looks just like Andrew. He looks exactly like his
mamma. That nose, those eyes.

"Really?" He asks to make sure she's not lying and offers his tiny finger up at his mom. It's a thing
they've started to do when he understood what keeping promises means. They've been trying to
teach him all the life lessons they didn't get to have much, at least not after their parents turned
their backs at them.

"Pinky swear." Maya says while intertwining her finger with Andrea's and slowly shaking it. He
opens his mouth next, ready to take in the green vegetable. The little Deluca-Bishop chews on it
for a little while, the frown on his face slowly dissipating to be replaced by a small smile.

"Mmm I like it Mommy!" He throws his arms in the air and smiles, taking the fork Maya is
holding to keep eating on his own.

"See? Told you." The blonde laughs, helping him put the next few pieces together to not sprawl
them around the table. When Maya turns she sees her wife standing by the door having clearly just
got out of the bedroom after her long shift. She places a kiss on Andrea's head before joining the
italian. Carina laughs and greets Maya with a kiss.

"That's called blackmailing." She retorts making Maya burst out laughing as she shakes her head.
Andrea still eating the content of his plate.

"That's because you cook too good for him not knowing." The firefighter's strong arms wrap
around Carina's torso once Maya assured herself they were mostly out of sight for the little boy.
She smiles into the kiss Carina pulls her in before speaking.

"You have no idea what you put yourself into for tonight though." The italian laughs guiding
Maya's hands on her shoulders.

"Am I going to regret it?" The blonde laughs out. She knows Carina had already had the evitable
chance of tasting Andrea's cooking, his skills still in need of a few lessons by the italian. Maya
remembers once when Carina had actually caught some stomach bug because of that. The decision
was made though.

"I'm pretty sure he'll put together cheeses, chocolate and sweet cereals so...yes bambina." Carina
nods, recalling the ingredients Andrea used last time. She's proud he feels free to do all the so
considered female activities she always did with her italian family. It's a tradition Carina has no
intention to lock in a drawer and forget. But the way Maya's face crunches in regret makes her
burst out laughing, cause he really made her eat that once.

"The things we do for love." The blonde laughs leaving the kitchen now that Andrea is under
Carina's watch to get dressed. They're going to the park today since they're both off shift.

Evening arrives earlier than intended though, and that's how Maya finds herself surrounded by
melted chocolate, apples, carrots and salt. The simple thought of putting those things together
makes her feel sick but she smiles down at Andrea's happy grin, the little boy offering her mother
the tiny bottle of cinnamon.

"Do you want me to out that in?" She asks faling her best smile. Andrea nods vigorously and hand
Maya the bottle. She puts some on top of the small bowl she filled and smiles a 'ta daa' to her son
who starts laughing while clapping his hands.

"Carina, Chef Andrea made his magic." Maya calls out for the italian who jogs in the kitchen
already laughing.

"Come on then Mommy. Take a bite." Carina insists scooping her son in her arms and tickling him
for a bit just as Maya whipes away the cinnamon. She's never, ever going to eat that thing. Last
time Carina put some cinnamon in a dessert the blonde spit the food out in front of the team at the
station and ever since then Maya promised herself She would have never had it again.

"Okay I'm ready." The firefighter announces fillingthe fork with a mixture of ingredients. She
holds it in front of her mouth waiting for Andrea to watch cause she knows that as soon as she
takes the first bite and reacts he is going to leave right after. So one will have to do. But not more
than one.

"Go Mommy!" Andrea giggles finally watching. That's when Maya puts the fork in her mouth and
eats. She doesn't understand if she hates more the carrot with chocolate or the salt on the apple. She
repeats to herself to hold it, hold it, hold it.

She gives her son a very fake smile and Andrea giggles, saying something that sounds like an 'I
told you' before jumping off of Carina's legs and run to the livingroom, happy and proud of the
outcome of his production.

Maya doesn't even wait to see him round to corner of the livingroom before spitting everything out
on the plate in front of a laughing Carina.

"That's the worst thing I've ever tasted."

"You have happy memories. Why have you been trying to erase them?" Doctor Lewis asks while
noting a few lines on her clipboard. They've been sitting there for at least fourty minutes in which
Maya remained mostly silent. She didn't push her though. Not until the blonde started to tell the
story of the chocolate with apples, carrots and salt.

"Cause it's easier." The firefighter replies shrugging. There's no point in lying by now. The
psycologist knows basically everything about Maya and what she's been through in the past ten
months.
 "Is it though?" She asks scrouching her face questioningly. She writes down about the way Maya's
hands fidget on her belt.

"I don't understand." The blonde looks up and meets the doctor's eyes. When she's honest they
make her feel like she's not being, when she's not honest they tell her to be.

"It's true that we always try to take the easy road when things get complicated, but I'm not too sure
this is the one. Because you're hurting yourself and you know it." Maya knows that's true. She has
no doubt about it. It feels like the only way though. The only one to process this without dying
inside.

"If I hurt myself I don't think about how bad it must be for him. To be gone." She explains running
a hand through her hair and nodding, finding the floor tiles suddenly so interesting to break eye
contact with the doctor.

"The thing is that you have two options here Maya. You can wether let it eat you alive silently,
from the inside because you don't want to face it cause it scares you. And trust me I see that it is
scaring you. Or can process. And to process you can remember, you can recall, you can miss him.
And nobody will ever tell you that is wrong." Doctor Lewis' explenation is so simple that Maya
feels completely struck by her words. None of them, Doctor Lewis, Miranda, Amelia, Jo, Andy or
Vic ever made her think that she should've done things any differently, process things any
differently for the way she was doing it. So why would that change now? She knows exactly which
people Diane is referring to.

"I have shattered people here to support me." She nods, whispering those words loudly enough for
the psycologist to hear.

"You have shattered people." Diane nods along, repeating it louder, looking at Maya's side where
Carina is silently sitting, a confused look on her face.

"Mh?" The italian hums questioningly. She doesn't understand what they're talking about. And
Maya knows why. Because she decided to leave the night their son died. Swallowing the thought
away Maya explains to her wife.

"It's - it's a thing Bailey said. At the funeral." She recalls. Truth is she remembers exactly
everyone's words from that day. Including the tiramisù thing Travis said. It's the happy memory
that makes her dall' asleep at night. Not clouds, not death. But the memory of her son wrapping his
little arms around her neck after a difficult call reminding them that there's no point to feel sad
when there's tiramisù in the fridge. The name itself says it: cheer me up.

"Oh." Carina nods in understanding, slightly fidgeting because she knows she wasn't there that day.
Maya's left hand holds hers to make the fidgeting stop. They smile at each other.

"Let the pain in. That's the only way to have it out."

Chapter End Notes

Oh my I cried last night writing this. Plus I was stressed so...a mixture of emotions.

Let me know what you think. Here is Maya processing her grief.
This was mostly focused on her so next one will be about Carina.

Love you all. Hope you feel good and be safe.

Giulia_Rachel
 Chapter 9
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

"Come in." Diane speaks from inside her office while restocking the bowl of candies and alining
the pencils on her desk. A gesture she would diagnose to herself as a mild o.c.d. All immersed in
her thoughts, when the person on the opposite side of the door comes in she jolts in her chair.

"Hi. May I? If you have a scheduled appointment I'm just gonna leave." Carina senses the doctor
clearly didn't expect to see her and so thinks the idea of showing up unannounced was a bad one. Is
a bad one. She gestures out of the door, suggesting it might be better for her to just leave.

"Oh no, please. Stay." Doctor Lewis stands from her chair and rounds the table quickly to take a
seat in one of those on the opposite side of the desk to be in front of the newly arrived patient.
Friend.

"Thanks." Carina whispers pulling the chair from under th table to sit on it, her purse slipping on
the floor by her feet.

"What do I owe the pleasure?" Diane asks politely giving Carina a warm smile that instantly easies
all of her worries. Carina wonders why and how Diane was previously a firefighter and not always
a therapist. Well, she knows the reason why she was forced to leave duty, but it's in her nature, in
her feautures, in the movements of her hole body to give comfort. Plus Carina thinks the woman is
very smart.

"I -uhm...I really think I need someone to talk to who isn't my wife or my friends. Not that I did that
much talking with either one." She chuckles nervously. Truth is that she decided to show up here
only last night, when Maya turned to be much better after the session they had together with the
therapist and she decided to try and to the same. The thought of hurting her wife emotionally again
pushed her to. Cause it feels impossible, the thought of speaking to anyone at Grey Sloan or 19 or
her wife without sounding like the victim in all this. Carina knows she isn't.

"Talk about what?" Diane asks pulling the italian out of her own head. She knows exactly what
Carina needs to talk about. She saw it the day before in the way her hands kept fidgeting while
resting on her thighs, her back stiff and muscles tensed. The way her mouth kept hanging half
opened as if she wanted to say something that never came. Plus it's kind of obvious that you need
to talk to someone when you lost a kid and left your wife not even a year ago.

"The fact that I'm hoping Maya will process what we've been through when I didn't process it
myself." Carina speaks honestly. As honestly as she's ever done. She can amliat hear the brick that
falls, the first piece of the wall she's created to protect the people around her. She remembers when
she talked to Andy about Maya's walls and the way she was taking them down, brick by brick, for
her. It took so long for Maya to do it and now they were all back up, safely and securely built back
around them both. She knows their sons deaths are still more than opened wounds in her heart and
that she's made almost no effort in facing them.

"And what have you been through?" Diane insists. It's a thing she realised early on while doing this
job. That the first step for people traumatized by these events to finally start the process, is to hear
them say it. Cause sometimes they realise they never said it out loud and tried to act like it never
happened. Diane knows that Carina is smart though in fact she's capable of avoiding the answer by
looking straight into the therapist's eyes.
"I've been feeling this constant need of taking care of people ever since my mamma left with my
brother to go to Wisconsin and I stayed back with my papà. And I did just that. I've taken care of
him, of my friends in med school, of my patients when I became a doctor and of my brother when I
arrived here. I have a feeling sometimes I decided to have a child so that I could take care of
someone else cause Maya was absolutely capable of taking care of herself." She counts her list on
her fingers and proves her point by clenching her hands in fists. "The thing is...that I didn't do that.
I didn't take care of neither one of my children." That's when her voice breaks first. My children.
Carina tries to remember if she's ever said to two words in the past year or if she's always tried to
dismiss it. Even when they went to visit Andrea's grave, Maya for the first time, she didn't think
about it. She just brought her wife there so that the blonde could start process and that was it. Her
own feeling pushed down to the back of her head and the bottom of her heart so that they wouldn't
resurface when Maya needed her to help.

"So is this how you're processing your grief now? By blaming yourself?" Diane picks the only
thing, in Carina's words, that has to do with her and her own feelings. The thing she knows Carina
hoped would have gone unnoticed.

"What else am I supposed to do?" The italian starts fidgeting with her rings. She's bouth two new
ones, with little stress spheres to slide around. Stress reliefs.
The question she answers with is honest though, not driven by any kind of raging mood. She
doesn't feel like doing anything other than blaming herself for what happened, every second of
every minute of every single day.

"Have you asked Maya how she feels about this?" Diane adjusts on the chair and winces a little
when her hip moves wrong before relaxing back down. Carina notices and lets the moment distract
her from the answer she's supposed to give. It doesn't last too long though and so she's forced to
rethink about it.

"Yes. And she keeps repeating it's not my fault." The italian states finally breaking eye contact with
the wheels of the table to look into Diane's eyes.

"And you don't believe her because...?" She starts, her hand raising in the air to invite Carina to
continue.

"Because she wasn't there and she couldn't know. While I was and I knew. I was supposed to know
and I should've handled it differently." Carina says in a matter of fact. That's what this is. She was
home. She was the doctor. She should've.

"This is our problem. We think we can handle things. We think that there are things to handle and
when they don't go the way we want them to then it's only because we must have done something
wrong in the first place. We think we have the power to control the course of events but,
Carina...we don't." Diane slowly explains, trying to control the tone of her voice not to startle away
the italian. Not that she thinks Carina gets easily intimidated. "We don't and things happen and
they take something out of us. Our job, our lungs or even our heart, our brain and our soul. And it
is painful, excruciatingly painful." It's inevitable for Doctor lewing to think about how her accident
cost her more than she can admit. And she also knows Carina can fully understand. Despite her
most recent pain, she can understand for the history of her childhood, for the death of her brother.

"I don't think you can start to actually process this if you don't understand that. You didn't decide to
take a gun and shoot a man causing his death. It was the course of events. And even though this is
absurde to only think about it this way, that's basically what this is." It's awful and it's painful to
think about it this way. To realise how helpless humans are in front of all these things. She knows
Carina doesn't need to hear that though, in fact the italian replies.
"Well the course of events sucks." She mumbles, almost complaining like a child in tantrum.
Carina crosses arms on her chest and slides a little down on the chair. Diane chuckles a little bit
expecting that kind of behaviour, knowing though that Carina is a very, very smart woman, capable
of filtering her feelings.

"There's absolutely no doubt about that. But the course of events is also what brought the two of
you in that bar that night. Do you regret that?" And that's when she punches Carina's gut for the
first time. The italian's hands start fidgeting faster but she's a hundred percent sure of the answer.

"Absolutely not." The OB says, her strong, angry and sad facade breaking for a split second, a
small smile forming on her lips. How could she ever possibly regret the past six years of her life?

"See? Cause it's easy to accept what goes the way we want to." Diane's hands gesture forward to
prove her point. Cause again she know stgat first of all Carina needs to acknowledge that she
couldn't control everything around her regardless of how hard she wanted to. And that it's not her
fault. And that it's true that the course of events sucks but not when it's made so that the good can
prevail on the bad.

"And I didn't want any of that." The italian finally admits, feeling the guilt lift from her shoulder,
another giant brick falling, smashing iteself on the fragile floor she feels under her feet.

"You didn't want any of that." Diane repeats nodding, smiling a little. Carina's face changes again
though, her feautures fragmenting conflicting thoughts.

"But I could've done something. I could've been more careful, keeping a better eye on him." Carina
waves her hands around and shifts on the chair over and over again feeling her muscles tense again,
the brick still hanging attacching to each other tighter.

"Don't go there Carina. Saying 'I could have' is what makes you take three steps back when you've
taken one forward. You could've moved the glass table to the opposite side of the livingroom or
even be in a totally different house where the couch wasn't there. The 'could've' won't take you
anywhere." Diane speaks fast but as honeslty and clear as she can. Carina is not stupid, let alone
incapable of taking charge of her own thoughts. The italian knows exactly that nothing could have
been changed.

"I should've known better with the pregnancy." The taller brunette replies, ready to be honest so
that the therapist can actually help how she wants to. Maya and Gabriella are the only ones who
know about this but another brick has to fall so Carina gets ready to tell.

"What?" Doctor Lewis is taken by surprise when she understands that now Carina is not talking
about Andrea anymore, not about the coffee table being in the wrong place. She wants to know
desperately, to help.

"I'm an OB, Doctor Lewis. And I lost a child. My child."

"Gabri." Carina wakes up in the middle of the night, feeling a wet puddle between her legs and an
excruciating pain in her lower belly. Her legs bend over to put some relievibg pressure on her
aching abdomen as she waits for her friend's reaction.
"Mh?" The other italian mumbles, her face hidden in the pillow muffles the sound of her sleepy
voice.

"Gabri alzati. (Get up.)" Carina insists reaching her hand left to hit the other doctor so that she can
finally actually wake up and help. The pain feels always more and more uncomfortable and makes
her feel more and more tired even though the simple thought of sleeping seems impossible even as
it is, a thought.

"Che c'è? (What is it?)" Gabriella finally reacts shooting her head up from the bed. They haven't
slept together but in the past week Carina's pain has been worsening so they decided that sleeping
together would make things easier for when the miscarriage had to happen. Which seems to be
tonight.

"Sta succedendo. (It's happening.)" Carina mumbles painfully, her head now hurting almost as
much as her belly. She knows those two words are enough for Gabriella to understand.

"Cavolo. Okay. Ferma, non ti muovere. (Damn it. Okay. Stop, don't move.)" The other italian says
standing quickly from the bed to round it and be in front of Carina. She gently pulls the sheets back
and hides the scared and worried look that she's sure apoeared on her face by rubbing at her eyes.
There's a lot of blood between Carina's thighs, enough go confirm that it is in fact happening.

"Gabri." Carina whines, tears preaking at her eyes and getting the pillow wet. She doesn't have the
strength to actually fight though. She finds herself needing Maya but Maya can't be there. She's left
her wife.

"Sono qui tesoro. Sono proprio qui. (I'm here honey. I'm right here.)" Gabriella sooths, running a
hand through her long wavy hair, drenched with sweat. It makes her realise that Carina must have
been feeling quite uncomfortable for the whole night, the sleeping state she was in providing that
little bit of comfort that didn't necessarely make her shoot up awake instantly.

"Non mi sento tanto bene. (I don't feel so good.)" Carina manages to whisper, her eyes feeling
suddenly heavier, head pounding and belly clenching.

"No no no, resta con me. Resta con me. (Stay with me.)" Gabriella runs both hands through her
hair to make sure Carina stays awake while thinking about how to move from now. They have to
go to the hospital but she wants to make sure Carina stays conscious. "Brava. (Good.)" She
whispers when Carina's eyes fight to stay opened and manage to do so.

"Sono molto stanca. (I'm really tired.)" The reply that comes makes Gabriella's heart break and she
knows they don't have much time, Carina's skin color gets paler and her hands start shaking as they
wrap around Gabriella's forearm.

"Lo so bambina. Tieni, prendi questa e alzati, ti tengo io. (I know bambina. Here, take this and
stand up, I got you.)" She reaches for Carina's sweatshirt behind her back on the armchair and
invites Carina to get dressed a bit.

When she does so Gabriella helps her up on her feet, without bothering to get changed. They head
out of the apartment and in the car slowly, careful to measure every step so that Carina doesn't pass
out or Gabriella herself misses any sign from her friend that might inform her of something she
needs.
Doctor Aurora asks and talks to keep Carina awake during the whole ride to the hospital while
trying to see if the bleeding is getting worse or not.

When they finally reach the front door there's already an intern that Gabri called while on the car
waiting with a wheelchair for Carina to lay down.

"Che cosa abbiamo? Dottoressa Aurora. (What do we have? Doctor Aurora.)" The italians'
colleague sees both of them in the room and immediately gets worried, walking closer to the
gourney they set Carina on to assess the situation.

"Dottoressa Giordano, bene. La Dottoressa Deluca sta avendo un aborto spontaneo, gravidanza
extrauterina al quarto mese. Dovremo molto probabilmente portarla in sala. (Doctor Giordano,
good. Doctor Deluca Gere is having a miscarriage, extra utherine pregnancy, fourth month. We'll
have to bring her to surgery.)" Gabriella knows the other doctor will know exactly what to do even
though neither of them ever informed her about Carina's pregnancy before.

"D'accordo, ci penso io da qui. (Alright, I got it from here.)" Doctor Giordano informs her friend
before turning to tell a nurse to guide Gabriella out.

"Ma- (But-)" She starts to intervene.

"Niente ma Gabriella. Sei troppo coinvolta. (No but Gabriella. You're too involved.)" Doctor
Giordano finishes looking directly into Gabriella's eyes until she's convinced she has to go. Doctor
Aurora nods and walks closer to Carina's bed, finally seeing her a little more relaxed now that the
meda are starting to work.

"Sarò qui fuori tesoro, va bene? (I'll be right outside, okay?)" She nods at Carina, her eyes staying
closed shut as if it could make things a little less real. Cause that's Carina's biggest wish at the
moment. She wishes it were all just a dream, a nightmare.

"Ti voglio bene. (I love you.)" Gabriella whispers in her best friend's ear, earning a hum in
responce before turning to walk out, aware that she's leaving the other italian in more than good
hands.

"Falla morire e ti uccido. (Make her die and I'll kill you.)" She points at Doctor Giordano before
finally exiting the trauma room.

Carina hears the nurses and doctors speak around her but can't fully comprehend. She knows
exactly the procedure to take care of an extra utherine pregnancy miscarriage so she certainly
doesn't need to know much. Keeping her eyes closed to avoid the light and the noise by covering
her ears seems the best option for now, at least until they lower the mask on her face and she
finally falls asleep for surgery.

"Ei. The voice of her friend in the first thing she hears. Before the muffled beeping of the machines
and talking of people outside her room.
Her body doesn't hurt much anymore. Not that much. But she's tired, more than she's ever been in
her entire life, as if last time she slept was ten years ago. She didn't feel this tired when Andrea was
born.

"Ei." She manages to whisper back leaning better on the soft pillows and finally taking in the
strong white light of the hospital by fully opening her eyes.

"Come ti senti? (How do you feel?)" Gabriella asks running a gentle hand through her hair and
holding Carina's hand tighter as if she could for some reason escape.

"Fisicamente, uno straccio. Mentalmente...peggio. (Physically like crap. Mentally...worse.)" Carina

replies sighing uncomfortably. She wants to cry but feels too tired to, she wants to scream but her
own body is already doing it for itself.

"Vuoi chiamarla? (Do you want to call her?)" Gabriella asks when she sees Carina's eyes start to
well up with unshed tears.

"No." Carina shakes her head, instantly regretting it and closing her eyes.

"Carina-" Gabriella tries to insist once knowing that Carina both wants to actually tell Maya and
that the American deserved to know.

"Per dirle cosa Gabri? Che ha appena perso un altro figlio? (To tell her what? That she's lost
another son?)" She gets suddenly agitated, her heartrate sleeping a bit. Gabriella keeps the nurse
out by shutting the door and caresses Carina's head over and over again to comfort her.
Gabriella doesn't know that Carina doesn't want confort. Cause it's too soft.

"Shh. Tranquilla. Ci penserai domani. Riposa ora. (It's okay. You'll think about it tomorrow. Rest
now.)" Gabriella sits back down on the bed when Carina's movements gets calmer again. But the
italian keeps mumblinf something under her breath. She gets to understand some of it.

"Dovevo prendermi cura di loro. (I should've taken care of them.)"

"Hi. Is Maya here?" Carina steps into the fire station as soon as Ben on desk duty lets her in by
pressing the button. She smiles at him.

"Uhm...no. They're out on call." The firefighter shakes his head and points at the empty barn
behind the door.

"You got desk duty?" The italian gestures and the pile of papers on the table and at Ben's bup filled
with coffee. She laughs thinking about how messy it is unlike Maya's. Her pencils and papers
carefully balanced and aligned on the surface of her well kept desk.

"Apparently I always do when you need someone to talk to." Ben nods and remembers how, when
Carina had to leave to go to Italy during the pandemic, they met and had a chat while he was on
desk duty and she had gone to talk to Miranda. It's always good to talk with the italian.

"We didn't have an occasion to yet." He replies pulling out the spare chair for Carina to sit.

"Yeah not entirely." She accepts with a smile and holds the chair while sitting on it. It's impossibile
not to recall the day they talked like that so long ago. Thinking about what happened between that
day and now makes Carina's eyes well up with tears she quickly tries to hide.

"You look upset." Carina huffs when she notices that didn't go unnoticed and gives him a smile
that says it all.

"I was with Diane a few moments ago so..." She nods, her voice quivering. She wishes Ben could
see her at least once in her life while she's not crying or talking about sexual stuff.

"I understand." He nods along with the italian. It's true that he knows, everytime he had to meet
Doctor Lewis for different reasons it left him upset for at least a few hours. He wonders why
though, almost a year later, when Carina and Maya are slowly reconnecting, she decides to finally
see the therapist. Why not before?

"You know I keep wondering what would our life be if none of that happened." She nods. The
thought impossible to be expressed the way she'd want to.

"Carina-" Ben tries to get in, his intentions unknown even to himself. Maybe he doesn't want her to
recall something that hurts too much, maybe he doesn't want to upset her more than she already is.

"Cause I wondered how it would be if I didn't leave or came back. But then I also wonder about
the life that we've lost. It was good you know?" Tears well up in her eyes and Carina knows they'll
be impossible to hold. "It was familiar and it smelled good, felt great, I used to brag around about
my family." She gestures around in a way Ben has always found endearing. It means she's italian.
He holds a chuckle, a nervous one that's trying to keep in his own emotional reaction to Carina's
words at bay.

"Andrea was a really good kid." He nods looking down at her with the most reassuring smile he
can make.

"He was great. And so was Maya. With him, with me. I bet she would've been great also with-"
She interrupts herself knowing that now way too many people know the truth. She doesn't want
others to.

"With?" Ben asks when he realises Carina actually intended to say more. He thinks she might be
talking about Maya and her mother but knows how the relationship between the two has been a
little difficult with everything that happened. Maya didn't want anyone's help even though everyone
was ready to it to give her. Let alone her mother's.

"Nothing. Just...I made a mistake didn't I?" She blurts out when her mind keep wandering, recalling
what Diane told her after she finally talked about the miscarriage.

"By leaving? Undoubtedly. But Carina leave it all behind. It's behind. It happened and you have a
whole new chance here. Don't waste it thinking about what could've been." He explains finally
sitting in the chair in front of the italian. He looks her silently in the eyes for a few moments and
Carina's racing heart calms.

"You're a good man, Ben Warren." She nods, whiping away a lonely tear that escaped her eye.

"I get that a lot." He laughs. Being the station's dad means he's always needed for advice or
anything that has to do with it. Not that he doesn't like.
He recalls suddenly the italian's words and smiles looking down at the floor before speaking up.

"You know he told me that once?" He says through a chuckle straightening his pants.

"What?" Carina asks not knowing what he's referring to.

"Andrea...he told me the exact same thing once. I think he heard it from a woman speaking to Jack
in the clinic and he repeated that to me. I think it was-" he tries to control himself when the
memory fully resurface.

"The day before." She interrupts him, remembering the moment very well. Too well. She knows
she's going to remember that day forever. Each and every sentence anyone spoke, each and every
movement anyone did. And she knows she'll never forget.

"Yeah."
-

"Amore let Ben work, si?" Carina laughs walking closer to the firefighter playing in the barn with
her kid, Andrea climbing on his back by grabbing the collar of his shirt.

"Oh we were having so much fun." Ben defends the kid laughing, both his arms reaching back to
hold him, careful so that he doesn't fall. Andrea giggles still trying to climb.

"Yes Mamma. So fun." The kid repeats holding Ben by the neck even when his mamma tries to
pull him away and between her arms.

"You're truble." The italian laughs finally adjusting the kid on her hip as he still giggles.

"Are you ready to go home?" Ben asks straightening his shirt and collar, still laughing at the kid
and making funny faces with him.

"Yes. I have to move the coffee table and the couch before Maya comes back." Carina laughs as
Andrea hides his face in the crook of her neck to give her a kiss and then moving around while
playing with her hair.

"What?" Ben laughs wondering what she must be talking about. Jack in the back laughs knowing
exactly what Carina is talking about.

"We made a fort last night didn't we? And since you're on a 48 hours we still have to put
everything back in it's place. Before Mommy comes home..." She leaves the sentence opened
knowing her kid knows how to finish it.

"And finds out." Andrea adds with a giggle, hiding back in her neck and covering his face from
Ben's funny faces.

"And finds out our little secret." Carina laughs tickling her son.
They immediatly stop when they notice Maya walking in the beanery carrying a large box full of
supplies Jack just asked her.

"What are you laughing about?" She asks seeing how much fun the small group is having, her
son's giggles undoubtedly contagious.

"Oh nothing." Carina hides her smile by kissing her wife on the lips.

"Yes Mommy, nothing." The little boy laughs and puckers his lips to get his own kiss from his
mother. Maya does the same thing she just did with Carina and smiles ruffling her son's curls.

"Okay let's go home now." Carina warns adjusting the bag on her shoulder and turning to leave,
waving goodbye at both Ben and Jack after informing Maya they'll see her tomorrow morning.

"And put the table back in it's place." Andrea adds, Carina's hand softly landing on his mouth when
it's too late. She laughs even before Maya's question comes.

"Put what?"
-

"Hi. Sorry I just didn't expect to see you." Maya tries her robe while opening the door for Carina to
enter, mindless of it being opened until she reached the door.

"Mh. Me neither." The italian hums taking a few steps into the house, taking her coat off to hang it
by the door and putting her purse on the table. Maya follows her running a hand through her hair.
She notices Carina isn't well instantly.

"Everything okay?" She asks when the italian sighs and lands on the couch with a pout on her face.
Maya finds it adorable, she looks exactly like Andrea, but doesn't tell her.

"Do you regret what's between us? You know... everything that happened before..." She doesn't
dare ending the sentence. Diane is right. Saying it is the hardest thing to do and the necessary first
step of the process.

"Absolutely not. Why would I?" The blonde shakes her head, taking place right beside her wife and
adjusting the robe on her body. Carina finds it quite difficult to focus on anything other than her.

"Did you think the same 10 months ago?" Carina asks, her eyes welling up with tears.

"When you left?" Maya asks confused. Carina nods and waits patiently for and answer. Maya sighs
before nodding slowly to proceed. "I don't think I could ever regret it. Not even in a million years."
She shakes her head forcly.

"Will it ever be the same?" Carina wonders if she'll ever have the chance to hug her, kiss her and
hold her like she always used to. She misses that. She misses everything that belongs with her wife.
Everything that her wife is.

"The same? No. Something new as good as that...yes." Maya holds the desire of whiping away the
italian's tears when they start rolling down her cheeks. "We've both changed Carina. It's been
almost a year and it took us one whole to be able to talk to each other without feeling that
disappointment. There's a long road ahead I think. And it will lead us to something new." She nods.
Carina's eyes stay focused straight ahead so Maya gently guides her chin up.

"Hey. Talk to me." She invites.

"I sometimes wonder how things would be now if I had stayed. And then I wonder how they
would be if I hadn't come back." The italian grimaces, her features contracting in a sniffle Maya
always found incredibly cute. She curses herself again when it feels like her brain can't think about
anything other than the love she feels for her.

"But you did. Both." She replies nodding her head, a smile crepting on her face manages to
reassure the brunette. "And the fact that you did the second one is what matters most. Cause noone
else would have fought the way you did. That's what matters most to me." She nods again, as if the
constant gesture of her head moving could reassure the italian even more. It actually does, she
knows Carina likes it.

"Are you happy that I came back?" The brunette emotionally asks focusing her eyes solely on
Maya's blues.
"I'm so so glad you did." She smiles kindly. It makes Carina's heart grown ten sizes. "Even though
I would give anything to know the reason."

"Ehm...Carina?" Gabriella asks when she walks through the door and finds the OB half naked with
her hair wet and running around the room with clothes scattered everywhere.

"Ciao." She barely says while trying to close the suitcase by sitting on it forcefully.

"What's happening here?" Gabriella asks pointing around the room and grabbing one of Carina's
socks from the floor. She already has a feeling of what her friend might want to do but doesn't dare
asking.

"Perché parli in inglese? (Why are you speaking english?)" Carina asks confused finally looking
sideways at her best friend on the other side of the room.

"Perché sto cominciando a pensare che l'italiano e l'Italia in generale ti stiano facendo perdere la
testa. (Because I'm starting to think italian and Italy in general are making you lose your mind.)"
Gabriella laughs, making carina laugh along for a moment before the older italian gets back to
oacking her suitcases.

"I'm going home." She informs her and finally closes the pack pulling it off of the bed with a loud
thud. She shakes her head realising that half of her clothes are still out and she only has one small
bag to fill.

"With wet hair?" Gabriella points at her head while taking her coat off to help her friend packing.

"I was swimming." Carina replies walking info the bathroom to gather her toiletries and put them
in the last bag. She shrugs deciding she'll tell Gabriella to send her the last few clothes in a new
suitcase later on. Not that she cares.

"Oh. Capisco. You washed away the pain." Gabriella nods remembering when Carina did that both
when her mamma and brother died.

"It took me so long. Too long. To realise that nothing matters if not with her. No feeling is real, no
event has an impact on me if I don't face it with my wife. All those vows and promises vanished if
not kept alive." Carina waves around the air while closing the last bag and rounding her friend
carrying the suitcases with her to get out in a few.

"What will you do if...I don't know, she sends you back?" Gabriella asks fully aware, unlike
Carina, that Maya will probably have no intention to see her after what she did. She managed to
talk to the blonde once almost four months ago, a few quick texts that didn't actually say anything
other than 'I hope you two will reconnect' and 'forgive her she didn't mean to leave'.

"I'll return again." Carina says pulling her coat off of the hanger to get dressed and go out.

"Is it really that simple?" Gabriella asks offering her a chair to have a chat before she had to leave.
She's a little sad that Carina apparently didn't think much about how they would part after five
months living together. Not that she's ever fully thought something serious would happen. The
night she kissed her they were both drunk and it didn't mean anything.
"I made it more complicated than it was. I ruined the chance of making it simpler and now I'm
drowning in a pain I don't want to face. I had a person right there who held me for hours in a
waiting room, rubbing my hair and whiping my tears and I decided to leave. And that's
unforgivable." Carina lets a tear fall accepting the seat Gabriella is offering and running a hand
through her wet hair.

"So you're going back for what exactly?" Doctor Aurora asks filling a glass for the both of them
and placing them on the surface of the table.

"To process. To understand. To remember and to face. She only has to admit the truth and then
we'll work from there." Carina nods taking a sip of water to freshen up her heates body. There are
like ten thousand degrees there.

"What truth?" Gabriella wonders apparently out loud. She's not sure Carina has ever mentioned any
truth about what happened.

"Look. If Maya had said from the very first moment that it was my fault, as it is, things would be a
lot simpler now." She finishes the water in the glass and shakes her head.

"Carina that doesn't make any sense." Gabri replies reaching forward to hold Carina's hand gently.

"It does. In my head." Carina nods standing abck up on her feet to round the table and go get her
jacket to go out. She can't be ready, the plane is leaving in two hours. "We're together. We're
married. She's the woman I love. I made an irreparable mistake that I still can't even comprehend
and I need her to do it. We gotta be together. And for how absurd it might seem, admitting that it's
my fault is the first step in the right direction." She adjusts the jacket and takes both suitcases to the
door, turning the key to open it.

"Do you need me to drive you to the airport?" Gabriella asks smiling at her friend's frantic
movements. Carina clearly needs to go home cause Italy is not that anymore. That blonde is,
regardless of all the wrong things that happened.

"No ho già chiamato un taxi. (No I've already called a taxi.)" Carina smiles back at her, leaving the
suitcases for a moment to go hug her friend.

"I'm gonna miss you." Gabriella whispers in her ear running a hand on her head to reassure her.

"Mi mancherai anche tu, ma...sappi che pretendo di vederti tra non più di sei mesi. (I'll miss you
too. But I expect to see you in six months, not more.)"

"I didn't know that thing was real. The whole 'wash away the pain' thing." Maya smiles. She
remembers when Carina told her about it months ago, when she did that the day after spreading her
brother's ashes at the beach back in Italy years ago.

"Oh it's not. But in that particular sea I listen to nothing but what my heart tells. Cause I know that
it'll be my mamma talking. And so I listened and decided that I had to do something. And that
something was come back and spit out how guilty I felt. I feel." She nods sniffling again, her hand
reachng for Maya's that's resting on her thigh.
 "You are a very genuine and kind person Carina. I don't think I've ever told you that." Maya says
emotionally, looking into her deep hazel eyes and holding her hand tight, running her thumb on
Carina's knuckles.

"Let me just-" Maya stands from the couch to go get a small velvet box from the livingroom that
was hidden under her socks and underwear. Somewhere she couldnsee it every day, hoping to be
able to wear again soon.

"It's not that we're done and everything is back the way it was..." She starts when back in the
livingroom, Carina's eyes immediately focusing on the object in hands and welling up with tears
again. Uncontrollably they start sliding down her cheeks but Carina manages not to sob my placing
a hand on her mouth.

Maya opens the box and pulls her wedding band out, sliding it back on where it belongs and finally
looking back up into her wife's teary eyes.

"But it'll be new again."

Chapter End Notes

Sorry for the long wait, I've been busy.

We've got the ring back on!

I really needed to focus on Carina's processing the grief and so here I did. It was long I
know. Anyway stop with the rambling.

Let me know what you think and thank you so much for your wonderful support and
the comments and kudos you leave every time.

Love you all

Giulia_Rachel

End Notes

Let me know what you think and if you want more. I'm working on the update of It's a
matter of time, hoping I'll have it done for next week.

Thank you for all the comments and kudos.

Giulia_Rachel

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