The Day The Room Went Dark

I decided to compete in pageants after I saw a video of my aunt, walking on a beautiful stage in
her glittery dress. I watched in awe at her grace and confidence that commanded the room. It was at that
moment that I decided I wanted to have that experience. I wanted to model a beautiful gown, while
drawing admiring looks my way. It was the closest I could imagine to being an actual princess. At that
moment, I made it my goal to make it to Miss Utah one day.
When I turned 13, my mom signed me up for the Miss Teen Utah International pageant, and while
it wasn’t Miss Utah, it was a big step towards my goal. I was excited to have this chance. After several
weeks of preparation, meeting with a coach, and finding a dress to wear, I was ready to compete. Even
though I had been preparing for weeks, I still did not feel ready. There was one part of the pageant that
had me the most concerned, and that was the on-stage interview. I had seen so many YouTube videos of
pageant contestants being made fun of for giving bad answers, and was scared I would be another girl
with a bad answer.
On day one of the pageant, I went to school as usual and was feeling pretty good about it… until I
wasn’t. I was at lunch with my friends, trying to distract myself from my fears, when the room started to
spin. Suddenly, darkness. I had passed out. One of my friends got up from the table to get the vice
principal who grabbed a wheel chair and took me to the front office. From there, they called my dad and
had him come and get me.
After I passed out, my parents were very concerned about what had happened and they debated
on pulling me from the pageant. I couldn’t let that happen! I had worked too hard to get to pageant day so
I refused to give it up. It took a lot of convincing- which included begging and reminding my mom of all
the money that she had spent- to come to a compromise. I was allowed to go to the pageant, but if I felt
dizzy at all, I was done. My mom agreed to this compromise and acknowledged that it was probably just
nerves, but even then, we knew that this was not normal. We knew that nerves do not normally make
people pass out, but at the time we did not know what was going on with me.
At the pageant that night, I was light headed and I had a headache, but I refused to tell my mom,
since I knew that she would pull me out. I figured that I was still just weak from passing out earlier that
day, so I went on stage, and I got the opportunity to walk in my beautiful dress. I even managed to answer
my on stage question. In the end, I placed in the top 5, which was good for my first teen pageant. I wrote
the whole passing out and dizzy spell thing off as a one time deal. It wasn’t.
I did not know it at the time, but everything I had experienced were symptoms of anxiety. I tried
to ignore the signs but with time, it became impossible to ignore. Nearly 2 years later, I was diagnosed
with generalized anxiety disorder. This disorder causes fainting, dizzy spells, nose bleeds, high blood
pressure and panic attacks when I am feeling overwhelmed and nervous.
The following year, I had a similar experience when preparing to compete and I have had other
episodes when I am stressed about grades, competitions and daily life. I have passed out a few times
while preparing for pageants and I started having panic attacks at dance competitions. Because of this, my
parents determined that I would need outside help to learn to cope with my anxiety. I now meet with a
therapist and I am on medication to help manage my anxiety. Over the years, my anxiety has gotten
worse, but I am getting better at managing it. According to the CDC, 1 in 5 people struggle with mental
health. I am a part of that group and now that I am aware of it, I can help to spread awareness and be an
advocate for those who are struggling with mental health.