On 24 August I had lost my battle with depression and tried to throw myself off a bus.

The shame after

realizing what I did is not forgettable.

On the same day I was informed that there was a cancer found in my mom. I was in utter pain.

Shamelessly, selfishly I still went on a trip that weekend and not being alone side her.

We found out the next week that part of, if not her full kidney must be removed alongside the cancer
tumor, anxiety all day leading up to surgery.

I was the last person to find out about what happened to her, no one asked me about any opinions I had
for what to do now, I was just informed when the rest finished their discussion, couldn’t ever have a
conversation I was just given few sentences with very brief updates and that was it. I had to listen to
their phone calls with random relatives to actually know details. I am not respected. I feel invisible.

On 5th September I got sexually assaulted. I sat there while it happened didn’t, couldn’t stop it, the
shame is overwhelming. No matter how much I try convincing myself, the shame will never go away.

On September 6th I had a breakdown in front of my parents when I almost fainted being under the sun in
a temple for over an hour. My father called me weak. I am weak.

On September 7th I couldn’t and still cannot recall an entire conversation I had with my mom a few days
back and due to it I didn’t do a task. She told me how useless it is to give me anything useful to do.

On September 8th the surgery went well. I was very relieved. Met my mom post-surgery, after a few
seconds she told me she wanted to talk to my dad more at that moment so that was all. But with other
relatives it was 5 mins or more

Everyday its soo hard to get up from bed and try to do normal things. My mental stability is on a thin
line.

I have lost soo much hair in the past few weeks I’m balding very visible. It accelerated these weeks.
On September 9 I got to sleep after 3 days, made sure my nieces were taken care of.

I tried to finally have a rest day on September 10 and my sister starts to scold me about not going to
meet mother today even though she’s coming back home in 2 days, I need to take care of her. I am a
lousy son.

On Aug 30 my cousin gave me a job link for a good company but since I hadn’t updated my resume in a
year and was out of station it got closed by the time I did; I was sad and felt like I let him down. On 4th
Sept he sent me another link for the same company and this time I applied but didn’t want to say to any
of my family, I just wanted to quietly attend it, giving it the best shot I had thought the interview would
be 9th/10th but never got invited for interview so just moved on.

I got the interview call next week, but unfortunately the date of it fell on another plan making me reveal
it to my family. When I took a break from a game during this period my mom sarcastically told me “Don’t
you have an interview upcoming?” When I told my dad I probably won’t get this job since I haven’t used
those programming languages in a long time but it’s good interview experience, he started gaslighting
me about how he’s been telling me to study and get some certificate so what have I even been doing.
Then he told me about how well my sister did in an interview recently and got the job and a good
position at that.

While I was incredibly stressed this period there was one beacon of positivity, I was making my first ever
emote and was really looking forward to seeing it being used in twitch chat, MY creation. Once I put in
lot of effort, I finished it and showed it to my friends and while I got positive reception no one at all
added it to their channels despite me sending links to it. I was extremely disheartened by this and just
still feel like quitting art. I’m angry at my friends for not adding it. I’m angry at myself for making
technical mistakes in the process which caused issues in the end result and most of all I’m angry at
myself for not being good enough.

Over this month I have lost more of my hair due to stress, being very tired all the time, extreme mood
swings. My mind wants to revert to how I was a few years ago when I used to sleep all day and play Dota
to distract myself. But I can’t, I can only go forward.

20th September – my friend kept asking me to call him so he can know how I am. But after 5 mins he just
gave up. I don’t blame him, I just wished he knew me better and called me instead of asking the other
way around. I remember talking for hours on end when he used to be sad all the time. But I just don’t
have it in me to try and communicate, so it is my fault, and he deserves better.

But I realized, I don’t need anyone, and no one needs me. This is for the best. I am not lonely anymore; I
am just alone.
21/09

I just feel like a cloth that’s rung dry but still not let go, used again and again. I am starting get
nightmares about being raped.

Thoughts about the interview are causing me stress.

I tried my best, but my best was not good enough. No one added my emote to their channels so to save
some bit of pride I added it myself 2 days ago, but no one uses it or acknowledges it, so I removed it. I’m
not going to tell this to anyone cause I don’t want them to add it out of pity, I don’t want to draw
anymore I just want to give up. I’ll just pretend I never did it.

I don’t have the mental stress to keep at it, I have let myself go, I’ve have given up trying to smile and
being in high spirits, my mom and my boss commented on it today.

I was thinking about interview questions and the ‘where you see yourself in 5 years’ came to my mind.
The honest answer is I don’t see a future where I live.

22/09

I didn’t talk to anyone today; I even ignored some that tried to converse with me. I just worked and
studied. Nothing is going on in my head other than that I want to die, again. No mental strength left to
try to get better, to talk to others, to be happy.

23/09

I had a nightmare of being raped again.

24/09

I can’t take it, crying myself to sleep everyday waking up with soo much anxiety. I just want to get it over
with. I give up, I hope my family and friends will forgive me if I ever take that last decision. I partially
don’t even care anymore if they do