Alyce Goff- Narrative Essay

“The Boxed” Image

I don’t like stereotypes in general, because of all the trouble it can put on one person. Even if it’s not a bad stereotype, it
feels like you’re restrained to fit into that stereotype. I tend to push back on any stereotype that is placed on me, including body
image and gender.

In middle school, I started not feeling proud of who I am. My school went from elementary to middle school, and I noticed that
teachers started talking to me differently when I was getting older. I had religious teachers who were pushing their ideas onto me,
even though I’m not religious. When we were talking about mental health in science class, a pastor was brought in to discuss why
people have mental health problems, and I didn’t know how to react. Another time, we were challenged to find something to
debate on, and I chose transgendered women in sports. My opinion was that transgendered women should be allowed to compete
with their own gender, and how many of the laws were trying to say “scientifically” they had an advantage, but really they were
being transphobic. People were making an argument that transgendered girls had a bigger advantage, even at a young age. When I
read these societal pressures on transgendered women, and that they wouldn’t be able to have the same bonding that cis-gendered
women would have with the team, I felt really sad. I could empathize with them. Even if I don’t play sports, I could understand
how it might feel to not be able to socialize with people who would relate to you and being excluded for being different. I always
tried to fit in, in middle school, because I had known people for 7 years of my life, and I worried about what they would think if I
suddenly changed. After I left middle school, I immediately cut my hair short and dyed it to blue. Now I realize that I was trapped
in a box where there was social pressure to “be normal” or not so out there.

I was afraid of how people were looking at me, and judging me--even when they weren’t looking at me, I still felt like I could feel
them judging me. To avoid their judgment, if I felt like I was too open or not normal, I would go back into the box. The box
helped me feel safe, but it was really just causing me more harm. I kind of knew that some comments made me upset, but I pushed
it away because I didn’t want other people to feel bad because of their comments. One of the most hated aspects of my body was
my arms. I Would hear," they are too skinny" every day from my classmates. I began to wear long sleeves. I would check my wrist
by wrapping my fingers around it to see how small it was. Then I went on the scale and saw 112 lbs. It made me cry, seeing how
light I was. When middle school started I begin to feel self-conscious about how boney my arms were. I changed from wearing
short sleeve shirts to wear hoodies. When I got hot and wore short-sleeve shirts, I had a lot of tics, and people would stare at me
more for that, too. I would almost curl up because I didn’t want to be there anymore. Even if it got hot I would yell at myself not
to roll up my sleeves. The middle school dress code did not help. One of my teachers was talking to all the middle school girls, me
included, and stated that we don’t want to look like we work on the streets. It damaged me because I felt like I did something
wrong, even if she was stereotyping us into a group. This interaction reinforced my idea of having to cover up to look normal or
presentable as a female. I felt that I was forced to stay in the feminine box by that school environment.

I always try not to fit in the feminine box. I have never really felt feminine, I felt more masculine. Ever since I learned
that I didn’t have to like pink just because I was a girl, I started to steer away from being feminine. I started to think I was weak
for being a female, even though I didn’t think that other people were weak for being female. I try to be the most “manly” that I can
be. By being athletic or dressing “tomboyish” throughout my life I learned stereotypes were a thing. I never really felt like me. I
have spent nights crying because one of my grandparents would say “act like a lady” or “ you're a young lady.” I grew up hating
the word lady, because Lady was associated with not being a wimp or letting your emotion show. One day in the car driving with
one of my grandparents, we were talking about gender and sexuality. They claimed, “how terrible for the parent of a transgender,
it must be so hard for the parent.” After that, I vowed never to tell her about my gender. I always felt bad that I wasn’t ever going
to be the “lady” they wanted me to be. I would never bind to a gender. As a gender-fluid person, they would never understand
what I am. As a result, I try to look more feminine to appease my grandparents. I act the gender that they think I am to make
things easier for them. I never wanted them to feel sad or upset for the way that I am. Social pressure affects everyone, even if
doesn’t look like it from the outside. As now being able to express myself without feeling judge. There are multiple inputs pushing
me towards how my identity has been shaped. I would always be put in a group that I didn’t feel comfortable being in.
Mask Symbolism
The half of my face with the dark color swirl represents all my dark thought circling around in my mind. The smile has a
string tied to it to symbolize how I feel focused to smile when I’m around people. The hole in the mask with a light shining
through symbolizes how I see the world with my creativity. My ripped-up poems that look like tears represent how I let out my
emotion through my poems and tears symbolize how I mostly cry when I write them. The strings show how I’m being held
together and how every individual thing on my mask is tied together.