A u t h o r ' s Note

I n my p r e v i o u s work, -
The S o r c e r e r s ' Crossing, I d e s c r i b e being

u s h e r e d i n t o t h e s o r c e r e r s ' t r a d i t i o n by a woman named C l a r a Mendez.

She belonged to a group of sorcerers l e d by don J u a n Matus. My

t r a i n i n g u n d e r t h e i r a u s p i c e s c o n s i s t e d of two p a r t s : f i r s t , I had t o

perform on a thorough recapitulation of my l i f e , u s i n g a s p e c i f i c

b r e a t h i n g m e t h o d t o r e c o v e r t r a p p e d e n e r g y from t h e past. And s e c o n d ,

., ;
I was taught a series of sorcery p a s s e s ; movements and p o s t u r e s

d. e s. i g n e d t o r e i n f o r c e t h e e n e r g y body o r t h e double,.

A f t e r a f a i l e d a t t e m p t t o meet the other members of don J u a n ' s

y by means of a d e l i b e r a t e m a n i p u l a t i o n of p e r c e p t i o n , r e f e r r e d t o
..
a s t h e s o r c e r e r s ' c r o s s i n g , 1 w a s given f u r t h e r instruction i n order
:
, .

to stabilize my e n e r g y body. To t h i s e f f e c t , I s p e n d many months i n a

t r e e h o u s e i n .a g r o v e of trees located somewhere to the f r o n t of

C l a r a ' s house. T h i s p h a s e of my t r a i n i n g was g u i d e d by t h e c a r e t a k e r ,

~ m i l i t o . H e s t a r t e d m e on a n o t h e r r e ~ a p i t u l a ~ i o nand
, had m e p e r f o r m
. ,

e s , a s . w e l l as p e r f e c t my
. ,
' .
t r e e c l i m b i n g. . 6 k.i j .l.s , . .
., ,

d stalking maneuvers too compl'ex f o r \'me.t o

... I

rejiend ae t h a t t i m e .
. ,

y had. f a m i l i a r i z e d i t s e l f w i t h a n e w p e r e e , p t u a l
, . . .. ~

eing-in-the-world--
,.
Emil&to suggested, that I
. .
n t o Los Angeles t o c o n t i n u e my academic
. . . t r a i n i n g . .H e a s s d r .~
e d.,, m e
,. ~.. , ... .~
t h r s was n e c.. .e s s a r y i n , o r d e r t o b a l a ~ t h, e r i g h t and l e f t s i d e s
<
.

hoan t h e c o n t r o l... requi'red t o c o n t i n u e on the

: .. .. . . .
.. .
sorcerer's path.. >*.: . . .
v
 1

THE MEANING OF LIFE

The lecture on anthropological research methods had left many

questions unanswered for me,After the lecture, later that afternoon, I
paid the teaching assistant a visit in order to clarify some points
raised by the professor. When 1 entered the office, I found the
teaching assistant at his desk eating pistachio nuts. He was deliber-
ately aiming the shells out the window at unsuspecting students on the

.
; .I lawn below. I had once been sitting on the building's steps, under
that very window, when something had landed on the top of my head. I
thought that pigeons were roosting in the rooftop carnies, but I
discovered, upon closer inspection, that what had hit me was not
pigeon droppings, but pistachio nut shells. Now I understood where
those shells were coming from.
This one is a real 'poor baby,' I thought watching Rex Jones turn
red at being caught at his tricks. He had a sheepish grin and a boyish
demeanor and the overall sense which Clara Mendez had retereed to as
the 'poor baby syndrome." She had pointedout that all of us were
operating under the social and psychological command that we had to
regard ourselves and present ourselves at all times if possible, in
the light of 'poor baby, me.' At the time she had told me this, 1 .
-,\ resented it immensely and argued the point, but alter asoulful
.,..
examination, I had to admit that I myself loved to be regarded a s a

1
 p o o r b a b y . Not o n l y t h i s , b u t I had n o t come a c r o s s anyone who d i d n o t

f a l l i n t o t h a t category.

I hope I'm not disturbing you," I s a i d t o Hex J o n e s , "but

t o d a y ' s l e c t u r e b r o u g h t up some p o i n t s I would like to discuss with

you. T h a t i s , i f y o u ' r e n o t t o o busy."

With a t h r u s t of h i s l e g , Hex J o n e s pushed h i s s w i v e l c h a i r away

f r o m t h e window.

h o w c a n I h e l p you?" h e s a i d p o i n t i n g t o a chair. I n o t i c e d he

t o o k i n a n e y e f u l of t h e r i s i n g h e m l i n e of my s k i r t a s 1 s a t down.

" 1 d o n ' t u n d e r s t a n d how a n t h r o p o l o g i s t s c a n know what i s g o i n g on

i n a f o r e i g n c u l t u r e when t h e y d o n ' t e v e n s p e a k t h e language?" I s a i d

p u l l i n g my s k i r t down o v e r my k n e e s .

Rex J o n e s smiled nervously, but the n e r v o u s t w i t c h of h i s p a l e

cheek betrayed impatience. " A n t h r o p o l o g i s t s p r a c t i c e a method c a l l e d ,

'participant observation'," he said, hammering on his words. H e

g l a n c e d a t h i s watch t o g a u g e how much t i m e h e had b e f o r e his office

h o u r was o v e r . "The anthropologist f i e l d worker p a r t i c i p a t e s i n t h e

a c t i v i t i e s of t h e s o c i e t y h e ' s studying; he takes c o p i o u s n o t e s ; he

tape records and p h o t o g r a p h s e v e r y t h i n g p e r t i n e n t , which upon r e t u r n -

i n g from t h e f i e l d , h e a n a l y z e s w i t h i n t h e framework o t h i s t h e o r y . In

o t h e r words, he u s e s h i s d a t a to prove t h e hypothesis he has set out

t o test ."
"Are you s a y i n g t h a t t h e a n t h r o p o l o g i s t a l r e a d y knows what k i n d

of d a t a h e wants t o isolate before he goes t o t h e f i e l d ? " I asked.

" i s n ' t t h a t being biased?"

J Hex J o n e s g a v e h i s c h a i r a l i t t l e s w i v e l toward t h e desk and p u t

on H i s w i r e rimmed g l a s s e s , c a r e f u l l y a d j u s t i n g them o v e r e a c h e a r .

2
 'That isn't bias; it's his modus operand!. If Anthropology is to
be a science," he continued leaning towards me, "it must follow the
scientific method, which is hypothesis testing. His findings must be
open to verification."
'Meaning what?" I asked.
"Meaning that another field worker collecting the same data under
similar circumstances would obtain the same results."
"But what about Lewis and Kedfield in Tepotzlan?" I asked.
1 was referring to the classic case in which two field workers
doing research in the same rural community in Mexico had obtained
dramatically different results, thus, showing that replication,
although theoretically advisable, might not be feasible in actual
: 1
., ,, practice.
"That was a special case," Rex Jones conceded. "It only proves
that the researchers weren't looking at the same things, or document-
ing their work carefully enough. And that's precisely my point: social
science entails careful documentation."
1 reminded him how difficult it was for two people in our own
culture to agree about a given issue, even thought the issue was
familiar to both of them; a condition which made agreement about
issues of a foreign culture nearly miraculous.
"Anthropologists are people before they are scientists?" I
pointed out. 'So, while they are participating and observing,
wouldn't they also be emotionally involved in a life where everything
is strange? Wouldn't they have feelings, opinions, and interpret
events according to their past experiences?"
 Images of the cave in Northern Mexico, where I had spent many
months reliving my own past experiences in a process called the
'recapitulation", came to mind. I remembered how difficult it had been
for Clara Mendez, my teacher, and I to reach an agrement about
anything, including what she had meant by the 'poor baby' syndrome.
She was departing from the inconceivable viewpoint of what she
referred to as the sorcery tradition, and I, saw everything from the
predictable vantage point of my middle class upbringing. We had heated
arguments in her kitchen; disagreements in which we were talking at
cross purposes, not seeing the world in the same terms at all.
Hex Jones chuckled condescendingly at my moment of introspection,
which he seemed to interpret as confusion. "You're 'missing the point,"
h e said shaking his head. "That's precisely why anthropologists need
to follow a strict methodology decided upon beforehand. fieldworkers
must refrain from making subjective interpretations and stick to
recording objective facts. Look at the sociologists downstairs.''
He was referring to the department of demographers who had their
offices on the second floor. At one point in the history of the
university, Anthropology had been a part of the Sociology department.
But now they prided themselves in being independent, but not too
independent, it seemed, when it came to methodology. It was partially
the fear of becoming a hardened actuarial!, that had made me select
anthropology as a major. I t still had an air of romanticism to it, a
certain sense of adventure surviving from the nineteenth century
travelers' accounts in which modern-day Anthropology has its roots.
'] In spite of the field worKers9 efforts to categorize everything via
the scientific method, Anthropology still had the potential for
exploring the unknown, of crossing conceptual boundaries.
"What about the sociologists?" I asked clicking my pen to the
open position in case I had to take notes.
"Sociology, as we know, depends on how reliable its data collee-
ti011 techniques are and on the ability to verify its findings. That's
why they use statistical analysis, surveys, in-depth interviews, to
insure replication. Anthropology must copy their methodology because
verification is even more important in our discipline, where, as you
yourself have pointed out, everything is strange."
I noticed Hex's roving eye dart at my legs again. I gave him a
fierce look that Clara Mendez, the champion of woman, would have been
proud of. I had always assumed the vulnerable state of women was a
natural condition resulting from our biological makeup, but Clara had
set the record straight from the outset.
Biology my foot," she had said. "Licking men's balls and being
their servants is the not the result of any biology, but of the
mesmeric commands of our male dominated culture."
I was shocked to hear tier say that at the time, and it was only
after montns of listening to Clara's sermons about the plight of
women, and immersing myself in the practice called the recapitulation,
that I began to see more clearly the pitiful position society has
allocated the female species. It was obvious that we women had to
fight twice as hard as men to succeed in anything we did. Once in our
own right, and once again to overcome the powerful predispositions
thrust upon us by our male culture. One of the reason for attending
the university and cultivating the intellect, I was told, was to be
5
 able to grasp and evaluate for myself the taken-for-granted views of
the role of women, and in so doing, free myself from their mesmeric
grip.
"A stranger coming to 'study' culture, which is an abstraction,"
I said picking up the thread of our argument, "could work in the field
for years without ever realizing that he is misunderstanding what he
sees or what the people are doing. It has happened to countless
researchers and to Peace Corps workers."
T h e Anthropologists and Peace Corps workers I know are pretty
astute." Hex said. "They Know when someone is bullshltting them."
W h a t if the anthropologist wants to help ttie people he is living
with," I proposed. "What if he or she gets so involved in the culture,
! ', that i t i s impossible for him or her to remain objective?"

I was thinking,of events that had happened under the tutelage of

Clara and Her colleagues, and of how I would never be able to explain
their worldview adequately using the theories of anthropology or the
scientific method.
"Tnen he or she is no longer an anthropologist," said Hex raising
a bushy eyebrow. "He or she is simply a social worker or a do-
gooder, or worse yet, has gone native."
To bring his point home, he cited several cases in which the
anthropologist had 'gone native.' The first incident involved a
researcher working among the Navaho Indians. While studying the Peyote
Cult, using the method of participant observation, he ingested far too
many peyote buttons to remain ~bjecti~t?.
He had visions of the Great
Spirit, received countless messages, and when he came out of his
hallucinogenic state, he started hisown religion.
 'And d o n ' t f o r g e t t h e c a s e o f B e t h Wassermann, a f i e l d worker i n
Samoa," Hex reminded me r e a c h i n g f o r h i s p i p e .
"Was s h e o n e of B o a s ' s s t u d e n t s , l i k e M a r g a r e t Mead?"
He shook his head. I had t h e d i s t i n c t f e e l i n g t h a t he w a s
p u l l i n g my l e g .
"What a b o u t Beth Wassermann?" I v e n t u r e d .

S h e went t o Samoa t o c o l l e c t d a t a f o r her doctoral dissertation

on s e x u a l c u s t o m s and marriage rites. She p u t a s i d e h e r o b j e c t i v i t y

and ' p a r t i c i p a t e d ' f a r t o o much t h a n was n e c e s s a r y , i f you c a t c h my

drift."
Hex made a lewd gesture tnat l e f t no d o u b t a s t o t h e n a t u r e o f
Kuth Wassermann's p a r t i c i p a t i o n among t h e Samoans.
t "What happened t o h e r ? " I a s k e d c e r t a i n t h a t t h e s t o r y would n o t

end w e l l .
"She f e l l i n l o v e w i t h a P o l y n e s i a n p r i n c e , " Hex s a i d s h a k i n g t h e
s t e m of h i s p i p e a t me a s i f h e were s c o l d i n g a c h i l d . "She b r o k e t h e
t a b o o s and the witch doctor put a c u r s e on h e r . She n e a r l y d i e d i n
childbirth, i f the minister hadn't intervened with h i s w h i t e magic.
Beth l e f t t h e i s l a n d s i n d i s g r a c e and n e v e r f i i i s h her research."
The s i l e n c e f e l l upon t h e room. Hex l o o k e d a t m e t o a s s e s s my
reaction.

" I ' m s t i l l n o t c o n v i n c e d , " I s a i d doggedly. " I t seems t o m e t h a t

t h e whole a p p r o a c h t o a n t h r o p o l o g y is wrong. You h a v e t o d o more t h a n

m e r e l y o b s e r v e t o u n d e r s t a n d a n y t h i n g . You have t o become i n v o l v e d . "
Hex t o o k h i s pipe o u t o f h i s mouth, t u r n e d it o v e r a n d tapped it
on t h e e d g e of a n a s h t r a y . N o t h i n g f e l l o u t . I r e a l i z e d h e was u s i n g
 t h e p i p e a s a p l a c e b o t o h e l p him s t o p smoking o r p e r h a p s t o make him

a p p e a r more d i s t i n g u i s h e d .

"You d o n ' t have t o t a s t e an apple t o know t h a t it's red," he

reminded m e .
" B u t how d o you know what an a p p l e tastes like u n l e s s you b i t e

into it," I countered. " I f you g o t o t h e f i e l d a l r e a d y b u r d e n e d w i t h

a bag o f h y p o t h e s e s , y o u ' r e n o t r e a l l y b e i n g open t o t h e experiences,

which i s t n e whole p o i n t of anthropology--the s t u d y of man, w h a t h e

b e l i e v e s i n , how he f e e l s , how he thinks, how he relates t o the

universe. "

Rex smacked h i s l i p s and s t u c k t h e p i p e back i n t o h i s mouth. He

seemed t o h a v e come t o t h e end o f h i s p a t i e n c e .

" Y o u ' r e a s k i n g q u e s t i o n s t h a t b e l o n g t o t h e domain of p h i l o s o p h y .

I you wantto know a b o u t t h e meaning of l i f e , y o u ' r e i n t h e wrong

d e p a r t m e n t . Although my f r i e n d C a r l o s m i g h t be a b l e t o answer some o f

your q u e s t i o n s . H e ' s an a p p r e n t i c e t o a Mexican shaman."

Upon bearing his name, the teaching a s s i s t a n t s i t t i n g a t an

a d j a c e n t d e s k p u t down t h e book h e was r e a d i n g and t u r n e d t o f a c e Hex.

"She w a n t ' s t o know a b o u t t h e meaning of l i f e , " Rex s a i d . "I'll

b e damned i f I can answer her questions, so I'll leave her i n your

hands. "

He glanced a t his watch a g a i n . "Besides, I ' m l a t e . I have t o

d r i v e a l l t h e way t o G a r d e n i a . "

Hex stuffed some examination papers into his b r i e f c a s e and

) h u r r i e d l y l e f t t h e room.
 "What's so pressing in Gardenia?" I asked turning my chair to
face Carlos.
"Hex likes to gamble," Carlos said in a hushed tone. "And Garden
is the only place near here where it's legal. Mark my words, one of
these days he'll gamble away his research grant to Nepal."
Carlos had black curly hair, a smiling friendly face, and a
mischievous sparkle in his dark shiny eyes. I had the unsettling
feeling that I had seen him before; not just in the anthropology
department, but somewhere else and that we were united by an invisible
bond. But try as I might, I could 'not remember where or when we had

met.
Carlos lean forward and looked at me intently as if he, too, had
experienced a kind of deja-vu.
- "Haven't we met before?" he said
obviously aware of the cliche.
Even though he had taken the words right out of my mouth, it
sounded so much like the classic line that I became defensive.
"You've probably seen me around the halls," I said trying to
sound casual. "Or in Hitchcock's class."
'Hmm. Perhaps," he said giving me a pensive look.
His gaze actually Held me the way hypnotists might grasp a
patient.
You're much too young and pretty to worry about the meaning of
life," tie said in a friendly tone. "You can't be more than nineteen or
twenty. Why not leave the weighty questions to the wizened philoso-
phers?"
\
.,1 " I - m twenty two and ~ ' r nvery much interested in the meaning of
life," I snapped, annoyed by what seemed to me a chauvinistic state-
9
ment . 'What's t h e point t o a l l this. T h e r e m u s t be s o m e t h i n g more

t h a t makes l i f e w o r t h l i v i n g t h a n t h e b u l l s h i t w e ' v e g o t t e n e v e r y day

of o u r l i v e s . "
i
A s I spoke, I g e s t i c u l a t e d w i t h my h a n d s , k n o c k i n g o v e r a d i s h of

p a p e r c l i p s on h i s d e s k . They s c a t t e r e d over h i s papers, but Carlos

pretended not t o n o t i c e .

I respect y o u r c o n c e r n s , " h e s a i d l e a n i n g toward m e . "It's just

t h a t most p e o p l e r e a l l y a r e n ' t i n t e r e s t e d i n the meaning of a n y t h i n g

except perhaps of love."

"I disagree," I said. "What about t h e s e e k e r s and m e d i a t o r s .

They're always s e a r c h i n g t o r answers t o l i f e ' s fundamental questions."

T r u e , b u t i n my o p i n i o n , t h e ' s o c a l l e d ' g u r u s ' are n o t s o much

engaged in a bonafide philosophical inquiry, but i n an attempt t o

intensify t h e i r experiences. They a r e looking for the meaning of

l i f e precisely because they a r e bored w i t h l i f e . I f t h e y would l i v e

l i f e w i t h g u s t o , t h e y would n o t be s o c o n c e r n e d w i t h s e a r c h i n g f o r i t s

meaning ."
I had a f e e l i n g h e was i n c l u d i n g m e i n t h e c a t e g o r y o f t h o s e who

lacked gusto i n t h e i r l i v e s .

'Come back i n t w e n t y years after you've l i v e d and t h e n we c a n

t a l K a b o u t t h e meaning of l i f e , " he s a i d w i t h a wink.

I n twenty years the entire w o r l d m i g h t b e blown t o b i t s , " I

snapped. " I s t h a t t h e i n t e n s i t y of e x p e r i e n c e y o u ' r e t a l k i n g a b o u t ? "

I r e a l i z e d from h i s p a i n e d 'expression that I was shouting. I

d o n ' t know why I had g o t t e n s o r i l e d up. A c o o l g u s t o f wind came i n

from t h e open window and r u l f l e d t h e examination p a p e r s on C a r l o ' s

d e s k . 1 t o o k a d e e p b r e a t h t o calm m y s e l f .

10
 I f you really want to know about the meaning of life," Carlos
said, "you should meet this Yaqui Indian I'm working with. He knows a
great deal about life and its meaning. In fact he is one of the wisest
people I've ever met. Perhaps we can go to Mexico some time and I'll
introduce you to him."
Upon hearing this, I experienced an intense apprehension. I began
to perspire. All my senses were on red alert. Perhaps Carlos was
just making polite conversation, or maybe he was trying to proposition
me with some sort of a trip. At any rate, I felt a deep uneasiness.
Going to Mexico with Clara Mendez was one thing, but to go with a
strange man was another. The worst part was that something inside me
wanted to return to Mexico in the worst way.
I looked at Carlos, trying to decern his meaning, when for an
instant, I thought he had shrunk and move backward in space. It was as
it' I were seeing him from the end of a long tunnel. I continued
staring dumfounded, and suddenly I recalled where I had seen him
before. Once I had had a vision of a gathering of sorcerers in Mexico.
One of them was a young latin man with dark curly hair that looked
very much like the person talking to me now.
The more I looked at Carlos the more this secret suspicion grew
inside me. With no rational foundation, I became convinced that Carlos
was the young man of my vision, the new nagual. I remembered being
told that when power put us in contact, he would bring me to Mexico
where I would meet the other members of the present nagual's party
that were waiting for me. I tried recalling who these other members
.
,I
~

were, b u t I was certain that except for Clara, Nelida and a strange

bird-like creature named Kmilito, 1 had never met them. I was shocked
11
t o realize t h a t my t i m e i n Los A n g e l e s had a l m o s t o b l i t e r a t e d t h e i r
memory. My overwhelming c o n c e r n w i t h d a i l y a c t i v i t i e s and my s t u d i e s
a t the University, had created a w a l l of f o r g e t f u l n e s s . The d u l l
o b l i v i o n t h a t s u r r o u n d e d m e was s o d e n s e t h a t t h e t i m e I had spent in
Mexico became vague and d r e a m - l i k e , a s i f i t had n e v e r h a p p e n .

Yet of one t h i n g I was c e r t a i n , I had been e x p r e s s l y commanded

n o t t o r e t u r n t o Mexico o r s e a r c h f o r anyone u n t i l power a g a i n opened

the way. And when that moment came, I had t o s e i z e t h e q u a r t e r
c e n t i m e t e r of c h a n c e power o f f e r e d , o r t h e door would c l o s e , p e r h a p s
n e v e r t o open a g a i n . A s a wave of memory swept o v e r m e , I f e l t my e a r s
b u z z i n g and e x p e r i e n c e d a profound d i z z i n e s s . I wanted t o r u n away,
y e t I h e a r d myself s a y i n g , " I ' d 1 i k e . t o g o t o Mexico," i n a v o i c e t h a t

I c o u l d h a r d l y be my own, f o r it came from the distant end o f t h a t

long tunnel.
1 looked up and r e a l i z e d t h a t C a r l o s was a l s o c o n f u s e d . I t was

o b v i o u s f r o m h i s e x p r e s s i o n , t h a t h e had n o t expectedme t o take his

i n v i t a t i o n s e r i o u s l y , l e t a l o n e g i v e h i m a d e f i n i t i v e answer.
"Are you a l r i g h t ? " C a r l o s a s k e d w i t h g e n u i n e c o n c e r n .
" I ' m perfectly fine," I s a i d s h a k i n g my head t o clear it. " I t ' s

j u s t s o warm i n h e r e . "
A s I r e g a i n e d my s e n s e s I t o l d m y s e l f that I had g o t t e n only a
g l i m p s e of a f a c e , and t h a t t h e v i s i o n of t h e n a g u a l ' s p a r t y had been
s o f l e e t i n g I c o u l d have e a s i l y been m i s t a k e n about t h i s young man.
Most l i k e l y he wasn't t h e same person a t all. Y e t i n s p i t e o f my

r a t i o n a l d o u b t s , I was d r i v e n by a n unknown f o r c e . I had t h e c e r t a i n t y

t h a t i f C a r l o s w a s t h e man i n my v i s i o n , I could only f i n d t h a t o u t i n

Mexico; a n d i f I d i d n ' t a c t now, I would n e v e r g e t a n o t h e r c h a n c e .

 I do want to go to Mexico," I repeated.
W e l l , that would be great," Carlos said uneasily, gathering up
the paper clips I had spilled. "We'll do that sometimes."
I really want to go. When would be a good time?"
"1 go to Sonora every other weekend," Carlos said hesitantly.
"All right. How about next weekend. I'll be through with my exams
by then. "
W o o o w , not so fast," Carlos said trying to back off. "Don't you
think we should go to a movie or have dinner or something first,
instead of rushing oft to Mexico? After all we hardly know each
other ."
"Movies bore me, and I never eat in restaurants," I said. "Be-
, ,,
sides, I'd like to meet this sorcerer informant, that you are working
with I promise I wouldn't be in the way."
I could tell Carlos was peeved by my insistence, but that his
curiosity was also peeked. He seemed to be considering the possibili-
ties, but then had a sudden change of heart.
'Heally, I don't think I could just spring someone on the old
man," he said. "Especially a young woman. Do you speak Spanish?"
"Yes, I do," I lied without flinching.
He looked surprised. "It still isn't a good idea. I don't know
why I brought it up in the first place. Let's forget the whole
thing ."
"It is a good idea," I said enthusiastically. "Think of it as an
appointment with destiny."
Again Carlos hesitated.
 How a b o u t asking your informant i f it's a l l r i g h t t o bring a

f r i e n d from t h e U n i v e r s i t y , " I suggested., "A fellow anthropology

s t u d e n t . What harm i s there in .that. If he says, no, w e ' l l f o r g e t

about it. I t c a n ' t h u r t t o ask. What do you h a v e t o l o s e ? "

C a r l o s s i g n e d w i t h r e l i e f a s i f h e had f o u n d a way o u t . He was

c e r t a i n t h a t h i s Yaqui I n d i a n i n f o r m a n t would n o t wish t o m e e t a young

woman f r o m t h e U n i t e d S t a t e s .

"Alright, I ' l l ask i f I can b r i n g someone," h e conceded. "If he

agrees, I ' l l c a l l you a n d you c a n j o i n me i n N o g a l e s . "

I w r o t e my p h o n e number on a s c r a p o f p a p e r and handed i t t o him.

I w a t c h e d him s l i p i t i n t o h i s s h i r t p o c k e t . A s I l e f t t h e room, I was

c e r t a i n he would n e v e r m e n t i o n me t o h i s I n d i a n i n f o r m a n t , l e t a l o n e
1
e u s e t h e phone number. The f o l l o w i n g week, l a t e a t n i g h t , I r e c e i v e d a n

u n e x p e c t e d phone c a l l .
 2

Nogales

I looked at my watch; it was 5 : 5 3 A. M. I had driven straight

from Los Angeles to Nogales, stopping only twice to refuel and to grab
a bite to eat. Carlos had asked me to meet him at nine o'clock in
front of the Greyhound bus depot, but I had given myself plenty of
leeway in case the traffic was heavy or I had car trouble.
As I parked the car in an all-night parking lot near the bus
depot, I wondered if I had made the right decision in coming.'- Carlos
had sounded strange during the brief telephone conversation. It was
as if he couldn't talk or was reluctant to do so. I could have easily
misunderstood the time and place of our meeting. There had been a
great deal of static on the line, with a Spanish speaking female voice
interrupting. I had assumed it was the operator, but now I wasn't
certain.
Despite the feeling of having met him before, I didn't really
know Carlos and I wasn't familiar with Mexico, for I had never
ventured beyond the vicinity of Clara's house. Rural Mexico was to me
a hostile, rugged country where anything could happen to the unsus-
pecting traveler. Also, I had been exaggerating when I told Carlos
that I spoke.Spanish. The few classes I had taken at the University
hadn't given me a command of the language. Once again, it seemed, I
1
had jumped into a situation I was completely ill-equipped to handle.
15
 The long d r i v e had l e f t me e x h a u s t e d ; I set t h e a l a r m of my

wristwatch f o r e i g h t t h i r t y , t h e n s t r e t c h e d o u t a l o n g t h e back s e a t t o

r e l a x . With my e y e s c l o s e d , 1 p r a c t i c e d some r e c a p i t u l a t i n g b r e a t h i n g ,

a p r a c t i c e I had n e g l e c t e d t o k e e p up. I wondered i f by r e t u r n i n g t o

Mexico, I would be a b l e t o b e t t e r u n d e r s t a n d some of t h e i n c o n c e i v a b l e

e v e n t s t h a t had t a k e n p l a c e u n d e r t h e g u i d a n c e o f C l a r a and h e r g r o u p

of s o r c e r e r s .

Those e v e n t s now seemed so distant t h a t t r y i n g t o r e c a l l them

f i l l e d me with a deep melancholy. My c o n s t a n t c o n c e r n w i t h m y s e l f a n d

my d a i l y a c t i v i t i e s had c l o u d e d my v i s i o n . And i n s p i t e o f t h e months

o f r e c a p i t u l a t i n g a n d t h e c o u n t l e s s p r o m i s e s I h a d made t o c h a n g e , o l d

ways and f e e l i n g s had s l o w l y c r e p t back l i k e c r a b g r a s s , whose g r o w t h

h a d been t r i m m e d , b u t whose r o o t s r e m a i n e d s t u b b o r n l y i n t a c t .

Then s u n b e a t down on my head when I awoke f r o m a sound s l e e p . I

h a d been dreaming I was g a z i n g a t leaves of t h e g r o v e of t r e e s i n

f r o n t of C l a r a ' s h o u s e . I experienced instant panic; it was n i n e

thirty; the a l a r m had f a i l e d t o g o o f f , o r i f i t d i d , 1 had n o t h e a r d

it. I f e a r e d I would m i s s my a p p o i n t m e n t w i t h d e s t i n y , and t h e long

d r i v e would h a v e been f o r nothing. As usual, I had been c a r e l e s s ,

when I s h o u l d h a v e r e m a i n e d a l e r t . On top of everything, t h e sun,

shining through t h e c a r window, had g i v e n m e a k i n g - s i z e d h e a d a c h e .

I n my h a s t y d e p a r t u r e , I n e g l e c t e d t o b r i n g a h a t .

I l o c k e d t h e car d o o r a n d headed f o r t h e b u s d e p o t w h e r e I j o i n e d

the crowd of people milling about i n a great hurry. Everyone was

e i t h e r going towards t h e border or had just crossed over and was

r u s h i n g away from i t . I n e a r l y c o l l i d e d w i t h a hunched backed woman.

When I h e a r d c r y i n g , I realized t h a t the woman w a s n ' t hunched backed

16
 at all; she was carrying a baby wrapped in a roboso tied to her back
and shoulders. Not even the baby's head was visible, and I wondered
how it could breath.
I felt so sorry for the woman, that I gave her a ten dollar bill.
She took it and smiled gratefully, flashing a silver front tooth. At
the sight of money, I was instantly surrounded by a group of boys
selling lottery tickets. They all insisted that I buy one or at least
let them carry my bag. I bought a box of chicklets from a girl in
pigtails and hurried passed stands selling belts, ponchos and pottery
figurines.
I wanted to buy some bananas, for the last meal I had eaten was a
meatloaf sandwich at Gila Bend, but I didn't dare take the time. I
. L

, needed to get to the Greyhound bus depot in a hurry. Cars were parked
or stopped in every available space and everyone seemed to be honking
at the same time. I stood on the street corner waiting for an
opening to cross, when I saw Carlos in the distance waving his hand.
I couldn't tell if he was telling me to stay put or to meet him. I was
so relieved to see him tnat I hurried across the street, stopping a
few cars in the process.
At close range, Carlos looked different. His clothes smelled of
mesquite wood smoke. At the University he wore tailored slacks and
sports coats. Now he had on Ievis, a long sleeved khaki shirt and..
hiking boots. He had a kind of energy and agility that made him stand
out from the crowd. Something in the way he balanced his weight on
the balls of his feet, gave the impression of an athlete with superb

, control over his movement.

 "I suppose you t n o u g h t I wasn't going t o show u p , " I said to

breaK t h e awkwardness.

' Y o u ' r e r i g h t . I was b e g i n n i n g t o wonder i f you were coming. How

was t h e d r i v e ? "
I was in a d a z e t h r o u g h most of i t . L u c k i l y t h e r e w a s n ' t much

traffic. I would h a v e been on t i m e , b u t I f e l l a s l e e p . "

"My g o d . Did you h a v e a n a c c i d e n t ? "

"So, I woke up i n t h e n i c k of t i m e . But that's the reason I ' m

late. "

He g a v e me a c o n f u s e d l o o k . I r e a l i z e d t h a t h e h a d t h o u g h t I had

f a l l e n a s l e e p a t t h e wheel w h i l e d r i v i n g r a t h e r t h a n i n t h e back s e a t .

"To be p e r f e c t l y f r a n k , " I s a i d q u i c k l y , " I d i d n ' t expect t o hear

f r o m you. "
M e too," Carlos s a i d , t a k i n g my bag. " I was s u r p r i s e d when I

w a s t o l d t o c a l l you."

'Who t o l d you t o c a l l me?"

"The Yaqui I n d i a n I a m w o r k i n g w i t h . "

C a r l o s e x p l a i n e d t h a t t r u e t o h i s promise he had mentioned t o h i s

i n f o r m a n t , t h a t h e had m e t a s t u d e n t a t t h e U n i v e r s i t y and t h a t h e h a d

i n v i t e d h e r t o come t o Mexico.

"My i n f o r m a n t wanted m e t o t e l l him i n d e t a i l t h e circumstances

of our meeting," Carlos continued.

W h a t d i d you t e l l him?"

I described t o him how Hex J o n e s g o t f e d up w i t h y o u r q u e s t i o n -

i n g and handed you o v e r t o m e . A p p a r e n t l y t h a t was a n omen."

''What do you mean by a n omen?"

 'Don J u a n s a i d t h a t t h i n g s n e v e r come t o u s d i r e c t l y ; that there

always has t o be an u s h e r who o p e n s t h e d o o r . And t h a t if w e d i d n ' t

jump a t t h a t p r e c i s e i n s t a n t , t h e d o o r would c l o s e a n d we would n e v e r
know w h a t m i g h t h a v e been."
C a r l o s l o o k e d a t me s e r i o u s l y .
"You mean Rex J o n e s i s some s o r t of an u s h e r ? " I s a i d confused.

He nodded. "According t o don Juan, mysterious f o r c e s were a t

work. Something in me had voiced a n i n v i t a t i o n t o b r i n g you t o
Mexico, and s o m e t h i n g i n you jumped t o a c c e p t i t . T h a t c o u l d o n l y mean

one t h i n g . "
"What was t h a t ? " I wondered i f i t w a s n ' t t h e o n e t h i n g t h a t i s on
e v e r y m a n ' s mind where a n o v e r n i g h t t r i p w i t h a woman i s c o n c e r n e d .

C a r l o s t o o k my arm t o Help me around an open manhole in the

sidewalk.
" I t means," h e e x p l a i n e d , " t h a t a t one l e v e l , w e were b o t h aware
of t h e i m p o r t a n c e of t h e moment. I t a l s o means t h a t power had opened
t h e way, and t h a t we have t o be impeccable i n o r d e r t o t r a v e l under
its auspices. I n o t h e r words, we a r e i n the hands o l power moving

t h r o u g h a n open d o o r . "
A cold shiver ran up my back. I was a f r a i d I was n o t p r e p a r e d

f o r such a journey.
F r o m now o n , n e i t h e r you nor I are in charge of what w i l l
happen," Carlos continued. "Whatever may happen a f t e r we c r o s s t h e
b o r d e r , f a l l s w i t h i n t h e d e s i g n s of power. In o t h e r words, something

b e s i d e s your o r I w i l l be c a l l i n g t h e s h o t s . " H e g a v e me a p e n e t r a t -

r ing look. "Are you up t o i t ? "

 Before I c o u l d r e pl y , w e Soun d o u r s e1 v e S a t t h e b o r d e r check-
point. C a r l o s t o l d m e t h a t h e had l e f t h i s c a r on t h e o t h e r s i d e , and

t h a t he would c r o s s o v e r and wait f o r me i n Mexico. H e showed me

which f o r m I needed t o fill o u t and which d o o r I would b e p a s s i n g

t h r o u g h t o e n t e r Mexico. H e handed me my bag then l e f t through t h a t

same doorway and d i s a p p e a r e d a r o u n d t h e c o r n e r of t h e b u i l d i n g .
I d i d n ' t l i k e being l e f t a l o n e . I e n v i s i o n e d i t a s a t e s t t o see

it' I c o u l d make it across on my own. O r perhaps, Carlos thought I

s p o k e enough Spanish t h a t I didn't need him t o translate. While I

w a i t e d i n l i n e , I began a s s e s s i n g my s i t u a t i o n . I was a b o u t t o embark

on a J o u r n e y w i t h someone I had s e e n i n a v i s i o n ; on a q u e s t f o r power

i n a manner t h a t c o u l d o n l y be c a l l e d , "following t h e d e s i g n s of t h e
spirit." C a r l o s had made i t c l e a r from t h e o u t s e t t h a t w e would n o t

be on a v a c a t i o n , b u t u n d e r t h e a u s p i c e s o f power. I d i d n ' t know what

p o w e r ' meant, but I knew t h a t it was t o o a b s t r a c t a concept f o r

.
p r e c i s e d e f i n i t i o n s . On s u c h a journey, all one could do w a s to

a c q u i e s c e , and f o l l o w i t s i l l u s i v e c o u r s e .
As I mulled t h i n g s o v e r , I had t h e d i s t i n c t f e e l i n g I w a s b e i n g

watched. Perhaps Nelida o r M r . A b e l a r were among t h e Mexicans t h a t

had l i n e d up t o c r o s s t h e b o r d e r . I t had been may months s i n c e I had
s e e n them, b u t I was certain I would recognize them, e s p e c i a l l y

E m i l l t o , who often visited me in dreams. He had b i g owl l i k e e y e s ,

t h a t b l i n k e d as h e s t a r e d v a c a n t l y . I would wake up i n the m i d d l e of
the night and f i n d him s t a n d i n g b y my b e d s i d e . Then h e would v a n i s h

b e f o r e I c o u l d t a l k t o him.
1 h e a r d r a s p y coughing b e h i n d m e . I turned around, just in time
to see an old man drop a huge g l o b o f s a l i v a o n t o t h e f l o o r . I

20
 cringed nauseated. I would h a v e moved away b u t i n f r o n t of me was a

woman holding an infant whose r u n n y n o s e was making t r a c k s on h i s

f a c e . H e was t r y i n g t o g r a b my h a i r w i t h h i s sticky fists. I recog-

nized t h e t a t t e r e d m a g e n t a r a b o s o ; i t w a s t h e same woman I had bumped

i n t o as I had h u r r i e d t o t h e Greyhound b u s d e p o t . She s m i l e d a t me in

recognition and said something in rapid Spanish which I didn't

understand. I s m i l e d b a c k dumbly n o d d i n g .

I t w a s h o t and s t u f f y and I f e l t d i z z y , b u t I d i d n ' t d a r e t o go

t o the d o o r f o r f e a r o t l o s i n g my p l a c e i n l i n e . I r e a c h e d i n s i d e my

purse f o r a scented handkerchief a n d waved it i n f r o n t . of my f a c e

with a d e v i l may c a r e a t t i t u d e . R a t h e r t h a n l e a v i n g me room, t h e man

b e h i n d m e crowded f o r w a r d a s t h e l i n e p r o g r e s s e d . I f e l t a n o t h e r wave

of n a u s e a f l o o d m e and became t o t a l l y j u d g m e n t a l .

I rationalized my feelings of superiority as an attempt t o

b a l a n c e my p h y s i c a l d i s t r e s s . I realized that these were dangerous

feelings t o have. D u r i n g t h e l o n g h o u r s of r e c o u n t i n g my l i f e , I had

d i s c o v e r e d t h a t I had been s u r r o u n d e d by p e o p l e who f e l t i n t r i n s i c a l l y

s u p e r i o r t o everyone else. T h e i r s u p e r i o r i t y was b a s e d on n o t h i n g b u t

f a l s e r e a s o n i n g , j u s t a s w a s mine,. I had s i m p l y c o p i e d their feelings

t o perfection. I kept t e l l i n g myself t h a t I was n o t a p a r t of t h e

scene, but was a student of anthropology, a person of c u l t u r e d

European a n c e s t r y , who was t h e r e t o d o r e s e a r c h , n o t be t o u c h e d by t h e

p o v e r t y a n d f i l t h t h a t pervaded t h e p l a c e .

In the midst of my emotional buttressing, I experienced a

profound f e e l i n g of d e j e c t i o n as I r e a l i z e d t h a t months o f r e c a p i t u -

l a t i n g meant n o t h i n g when confronted with d i s c o m f o r t and a l a c k of

c o n t r o l w h e r e i n my i d e a of t h e m y s e l f was t h r e a t e n e d . What was w o r s e ,

21
 I s a w n o w , t h a t t h e power t o imbue t h e s e l f w i t h w o r t h , comes from an

unshakable c o r e t h a t w e a l l have, t h e f e e l i n g o r r a t h e r t h e c e r t a i n t y

t h a t we a r e s p e c i a l and a b o v e r e p r o a c h .

I moved f o r w a r d t o p u t d i s t a n c e between m y s e l f and t h e o l d man

behind m e , of whom I k e p t c a t c h i n g g l i m p s e s from t h e c o r n e r of my e y e .

He seemed t o b e i n w a r d l y l a u g h i n g a t my d i s c o m f o r t , and t h a t made m e

e v e n more a n n o y e d . For d i s t r a c t i o n , I opened my p u r s e a n d t o o k o u t t h e

g o l d pen C l a r a had l o a n e d m e t o make my r e c a p i t u l a t i o n l i s t ; a l i s t of

names of a l l t h e p e o p l e I had e v e r e n c o u n t e r e d d u r i n g my l i f e t i m e . I t
h a d been a l o n g l i s t and I had come t o consider the pen a s my own

possession. C l a r a had s a i d i t had b e l o n g e d t o o n e o f t h e members of

t h e n a g u a l s p a r t y , a l t h o u g h s h e had never s a i d who t h a t p e r s o n was.

i When 1 r e t u r n e d t o Los A n g e l e s , I t o o k t h e pen w i t h m e and u s e d it t o

t a k e my e x a m i n a t i o n s a t t h e U n i v e r s i t y . I t I d i d n o t h a v e my 'power'

pen w i t h m e , I a l w a y s f e l t I d i d p o o r e r on t h e exams.

1 lilted out the t o u r i s t c a r d b u t b e f o r e I c o u l d r e t u r n t h e pen

t o my p u r s e , t h e o l d man behind m e b u t t e d up against me and a s k e d ,

"May I borrow y o u r p e n ? "

S t a r t l e d , t o hear english spoken, I t u r n e d a r o u n d t o f a c e him.

H e was o l d , b u t n o t d e c r e p i d ; o f medium h e i g h t , w i t h a w i d e f l a t n o s e ,

a n d o r i e n t a l l o o k i n g e y e s . He h a d a a i r o f f a m i l i a r i t y a b o u t him as h e

s m i l e d i n a. f r i e n d l y manner.

I l o o k e d a t h i s h a n d s ; t h e y were d i r t y . I did not want t o l e n d

my power pen t o a s t r a n g e r who m i g h t c o n t a m i n a t e i t w i t h w i e r d e n e r g y ,

o r worse y e t , p o c k e t it w h i l e I wasn't looking. I wanted t o say I

d i d n ' t have a pen but he had o b v i o u s l y seen m e using it. Besides,

o u t r i g h t l y i n g was s o m e t h i n g I h a d t r o u b l e doing. The r e c a p i t u l a t i o n

 had helped me realize that my reluctance to lie stemmed from several
painful childhood incidence.
On one occasion, my mother had accused me of tracking mud onto
her newly polished linoleum floor. I had had no trouble lying then,
and I had accused my younger brother of dirtying up the floor. But
when my mother found my muddy shoes under my bed, she made me apolog-
ize to my brother and to beg his forgiveness. I also had to go to
bet without supper. Later, as I recapitulated this event, I realized
that it had not been so much the dirty kitchen floor that had infur-
iated my mother, but the act of lying which was something well brought
up girls simply ought not do.
I looked at the old man. As if sensing my preoccupation, he
wiped his hands on the front of his shirt to clean them.
"It's a beautiful pen," he whispered leaning closer. "I will
guard it carefully. Too many thieves around."
I couldn't tell if he was being facetious, but as if in a daze, I
slowly handed him the pen. From the corner of my eye, I kept a close
watch to make sure he didn't pocket it. I snuck a few sideways
glances at his face 'too. It was quite striking, now that I got a
better look. He had high cheekbones, strong Indian features, and eyes
that burned 'with a fierce bird-of-prey intensity that reminded me of
Emilito's; it gave the man an awesome, yet strangely appealing
quality.
Watching his face made me dizzy. I heard a loud buzzing in my ear
and felt a pressure at my solar plexus. The room began to sway and I
! felt as if I was about to keel over.
"Lean on me," tne man said as he pressed my back to steady me.
23
 "When i s t h e baby due?" t h e woman i n f r o n t o f m e a s k e d t u r n i n g

around.

"What a r e you t a l k i n g a b o u t ? " 1 stammered.

I realized, t h e n , t h a t t h e y must have t h o u g h t I was p r e g n a n t and

t h a t was why I was f e e l i n g f a i n t .

" I know how you must f e e l , dear," said t h e woman giving me a

sympathetic p a t . She l o o k e d l i k e C l a r a , o n l y s h o r t e r , s t o c k i e r , and

d a r k e r complected. "Xnen I w a s carrying Heime," s h e continued, "I

used t o f e e l f a i n t a l l t h e time."

'I'm tine, 1 said. " I j u s t haven't eaten."

I saw you i n t h e s t r e e t w i t h t h a t young man," she continued as

i f she hadn't heard me. "Is he your husband, o r d i d you c r o s s t h e

border t o g e t married?"

I d i d n o t come t o Mexico t o g e t married," I yelled. "And I ' m

n o t pregnant !"

Everyone i n t h e room t u r n e d t o l o o k a t who was s h o u t i n g . A young

man l e a n i n g a g a i n s t t h e w a l l s m i l e d and shook h i s h e a d as if h e knew

better.

"Perhaps you came for an abortion," t h e o l d man s a i d w i t h a

snicker. "Shame on y o u . " H e g r i n n e d making h i s e y e s l o o k w i l d .

I was s o e m b a r r a s s e d t h a t I h a d a h a r d t i m e i n t a k i n g enough a i r .

I stared at the o l d man's face. H i s e y e s were s h i n i n g as if i l l u m i -

n a t e d by two t i n y f l a m e s . They were b l a c k , glossy, l i k e an animal's

except f o r two t i n y d o t s o f amber l i g h t t h a t k e p t g e t t i n g l a r g e r a n d

l a r g e r . Y e t t r y as I m i g h t , 1 c o u l d not turn my h e a d away. I became

m e s m e r i z e d by h i s eyes. The room became a w h i t e h a z e e x c e p t f o r t h e

. ,

m a n ' s f a c e , which h a d a g o l d e n r i n g a r o u n d i t . Then h i s f a c e s t a r t e d

 to expand until his features disappeared altogether. All that was left
was a ball of light. I was no longer in the room, but seemed to be
moving at infinite speed through a long black tunnel.

"Make room," I heard someone call. "Give the gringa some air."
I opened my eyes to see muddy shoes and kacki trousers. I was
gazing up a handful of strangers who were looking down at me. I
realized, then, I was lying on the floor of the border checkpoint.
The thought of being on that dirty floor full of spit and filth, made
me immediately raise up. Someone helped me to stand by pulling my
arms. Another person handed me water in a paper cup. Gratefully, I
drank it not thinking whether it was drinkable or not.
. . , I remembered my pen. I looked for the old man with the burning
eyes, but to my dismay, he was no where in sight.
A younger man solicitously Banded me half of a cheese sandwich
wrapped in cellophane. I took it numbly. All 1 wanted was to get out
of that room into the fresh air. When the official stamped my form, I
hurried out the side door stepping into, air, light and mariachimusic
coming from a nearby restaurant.
Across the street I saw Carlos talking to some men sitting on
large cement sacKs that had been stacked up against the side of a
builaing. When I approached, he did not introduce me but hurriedly
broke off the conversation.
"No problems crossing?" he asked.
"it was so stuffy in that room that I keeled over and hit the
floor," I said dryly. "Then someone swiped my gold pen. And everyone
accused me of being pregnant, but other than that, it all went fine."
25
 " A r e you s e r i o u s ? " he a s k e d .

D o I look l i k e I ' m joking?"

H e looked at me concerned. I i m a g i n e d my p a l l o r w a s a s g r e y a s

t h e powdered c e m e n t s c a t t e r e d o v e r g r o u n d .

"When was t h e l a s t time y o u ' v e e a t e n ? "

I had a f l e e t i n g image of Clara's well lit kitchen and t h e

w o n d e r f u l m e a l s w e would h a v e t h e r e p r e p a r e d by t h e e l u s i v e c a r e t a k e r ,

Emilito.

' A life time ago," 1 said knowing that I was indulging i n

melancholy and self pity. I a l l o w e d t h e waves of d e j e c t i o n t o p a s s

until I felt a t e a s e again.

C a r l o s s a i d something in Spanish to the people h e had been

talking t o and t h e y a l l looked a t me and shook t h e i r heads pathe-

tically.

" C a r l i t o s c e r t a i n l y has h i s hands full," one of them said in

heavily accented E n g l i s h , and everyone giggled and nodded i n a g r e e -

ment. Then I saw a man walk p a s s e d U s a t a b r i s k p a c e . H e seemed t o b e

in a great hurry b u t he paused and turned f o r a n i n s t a n t as i f h e

w a n t e d m e t o see h i s f a c e .

" T h a t ' s him," I said, grabbing Carlos' sleeve. "He's t h e o n e who

t o o k my pen ."
' Who?
But b e f o r e I c o u l d p o i n t t h e man o u t , h e d i s a p p e a r e d i n t h e crowd
of M e x i c a n s g a t h e r e d i n t h e s t r e e t .
 S a n t a Ana

I t was h o t i n t h e Sonoran d e s e r t ; o v e r 1UU d e g r e e s i n t h e shade.

In a c a r w i t h o u t a i r c o n d i t i o n i n g , i t was l i k e being i n an oven t u r n e d

on low. I had learned t o make beef j e r k y t h a t way, l e a v i n g t h e t h i n
s t r i p s o t meat on an oven r a c k t o d e h y d r a t e over night. The windows

ot the Chevrolet were r o l l e d down and t h e h o t a i r fanned my f a c e . I-

f e l t l i k e a p i e c e of beef j e r k y , d r y and l i f e l e s s .

'Can you be more s p e c i f i c a s t o what we a r e going t o do on t h i s

journey of power?" I asked C a r l o s p u l l i n g down t h e v i s o r t o s h i e l d my
eyes from t h e g l a r e of t h e r o a d .

C a r l o s glanced a t me i n s p u r t s a s he drove. " 1 t ' s difficult to

e x p l a i n , " he s a i d slowing down t o r a curve. "We're j u s t going proceed
w i t h o u t any s p e c i f i c p l a n and a l l o w the s p i r i t t o guide us. That's

what I do whenever I come t o Mexico t o s e e don Juan. I abandon myself

t o t h e c i r c u m s t a n c e s a s t h e y p r e s e n t themselves."

"That sounds t i n e t o me," I s a i d . "But a r e we j u s t going t o d r i v e

a i m l e s s l y o r a r e we heading somewhere i n p a r t i c u l a r ? "

"We a r e going t o t h e Yaqui towns of Vicam and Potam w i t h t h e hope

o t f i n d i n g ceremonial masks t o r t h e Ethnographic museum. ' T h a t w i l l be

our o v e r t maneuver; but e s s e n t i a l l y we a r e s e a r c h i n g f o r power."

"How w i l l we know when we f i n d i t ? " I asked wiping t h e sweat o f f
my t o r e h e a d w i t h a paper towel.
 C a r l o s laughed a t my pained expression. "We will know because

something in us will change, or our p e r c e p t i o n of t h e world w i l l

change. E i t h e r way o u r journey begins t h e r e , i n t h e Yaqui towns."
"Why t h e r e ? "

"Because t h a t ' s where don Juan and h i s a s s o c i a t e s g a t h e r t o renew

themselves. That i s where t h e s o r c e r e r s of h i s group come t o r e s t o r e

t h e i r power.

The t e r r a i n trom Nogales t o Hermosillo was desolate; f o r miles

t h e r e was nothing t o s e e except g i a n t saguaro c a c t u s and Long spiny
o c o t i l l o i n t e r s p e r s e d w i t h toyon t r e e s and small shrubs. Now and

then, we passed a dense cluster of p r i c k l y p e a r w i t h s m a l l b i r d s

pecking a t i t s r e d fruit. For d i s t r a c t i o n , I tried t o identify as
many d i f f e r e n t types o t f l o r a as I could. I t I d i d not recognize a
I
p l a n t , I asked C a r l o s i t s name. He seemed v e r y knowledgeable r e g a r d -
i n g t h e v e g e t a t i o n of t h e a r e a .
"At one time I wanted to study t h e m e d i c i n a l p r o p e r t i e s of

p l a n t s , " he s a i d . "And don Juan o f t e n took me h i k i n g i n t h e d e s e r t . "

"Is i t p o s s i b l e t o s u r v i v e i n t h e d e s e r t ? " I asked.

"The I n d i a n s u s e t h e b a r r e l c a c t u s as a source o t w a t e r and of

course t h e f r u i t of t h e t u n a i s e d i b l e , " he r e p l i e d . "As w e l l a s many

o t t h e o t h e r s h r u b s and r o o t s . But you have t o know about p l a n t s . "

The Pan American highway cut the fiat terrain like a black
ribbon. I watched t h e white line stretching ahead o f us u n t i l i t
d i s a p p e a r e d n e a r t h e h o r i z o n i n a shimmering mirage of vaporous water.
TO e a s e my d i s t r e s s , I fanned myself w i t h a cologne s c e n t e d handker-

chief. C a r l o s glanced a t t h e w h i t e c l o t h waving l i k e a f l a g of t r u c e ,

s and w r i n k l e d h i s nose.
 "It smells l i k e a r o s e g a r d e n , " he s a i d h a l t s m i l i n g but when he

s n e e z e d , I could t e l l t h e pertume bothered him.

I p u t t h e handkerchief back i n my p u r s e and popped a chicklette
i n t o my mouth. f o r d i s t r a c t i o n I t e s t e d myself on how many v a r i e t y of
f l o r a I could a c t u a l l y i d e n t i t y w i t h o u t h i s help. I could p i c k o u t
t h e bisnaga, t h e t u n a , t h e maguey, which i s used t o make t e q u i l a , t h e
t a l l yucca t h a t blooms o n l y once e v e r y t e n y e a r s , and, of c o u r s e , t h e

m a n z a n i l l a and toyon t r e e s loaded w i t h scrumptious but i n e d i b l e r e d

berries.

Around noon, we came t o a stretch of highway that was being

r e p a i r e d . Ne slowed down t o a c r a w l and I watched t h e s h i r t l e s s road
workers manually f i l l i n g in potholes. A worker w i t h a red kerchief

around h i s head, was s h o v e l i n g t a r from a b u c k e t , t h e o t h e r wearing a

wide-brimmed s t r a w h a t , was r o i l i n g t h e t a r o u t w i t h an implement t h a t

looked l i k e an enormous iron. Further down t h e r o a d , a n o t h e r worker

was b r u s h i n g w a t e r on t h e f r e s h l y t a r e d a r e a , sweeping it w i t h a wet
broom, c a u s i n g steam t o torm a s t h e w a t e r evaporated i n t h e h e a t .
The f r e s h a s p h a l t looked l i k e a t h i c k s t r i p o t melted l i c o r i c e ,
good enough t o e a t . I r e a l i z e d t h e n , t h a t I was famished. iixcept t o r
t h e soda I had i n Nogales, some f r u i t we had bought a t a r o a d s i d e
s t a n d , and some c r a c k e r s I had found i n a bag i n t h e back s e a t , I had

n o t e a t e n s i n c e G i l a Bend.

I n Nogales, C a r l o s had o f f e r e d t o feed me, but my f a i n t i n g s p e l l

had L e t t me t o o upset t o eat. I t would be t h r e e h o u r s b e f o r e we

reached H e r m o s i l l o , where C a r l o s s a i d he knew of an e x c e l l e n t r e s t a u -

r a n t . Resigned, I s e a r c h e d t h r o u g h my p u r s e f o r some more chewing gum
,
!
. . t o m o i s t e n my t h r o a t .
31
 The over r i p e mangos were fermenting i n t h e p l a s t i c s a c k i n t h e
back s e a t . A pungent o r d e r d r i f t e d forward and invaded my n o s t r i l s .
The s m e l l was f a m i l i a r , y e t not offensive. I c l o s e d my eyes and l e t

t h e s c e n t of mangos envelop me.

A s my s i n u s e s c l e a r e d , I s a w a p u r p l e l i g h t i n t h e a r e a around my

f o r e h e a d . The s p a c e opened up i n t o a scene i n f r o n t of my eyes. I got

a glimpse of E m i l i t o making h i s s p e c i a l brew of mango l i q u e u r . He was

wearing a c h e f ' s h a t and had on an apron o v e r h i s n e a t l y p r e s s e d blue

o v e r a l l s . He was i n t h e k i t c h e n of C l a r a ' s house, s t a n d i n g i n f r o n t of
t h e enormous wood burning s t o v e .

"Because you are a t r e e d w e l l e r , " he s a i d , "you a r e e n t i t l e d t o

sample t h i s e x c e i i e n t l i q u e u r I ' v e brewed."
I s t a r e d a t him dumfounded.
"I d i d n ' t know you d r a n k l i q u o r , Emilito, l e t alone 'brewed i t
yourselt. I s n ' t it bad t o r your h e a l t h ? "
I t is," he admitted with a devil-may-care gleam i n h i s eye.
"Hut t h i s i s a s p e c i a l o c c a s i o n , s o we w i l l t r y some, you and I."
I began t o f e e l t h a t f a m i l i a r p a n i c whenever E m i l i t o broke one of

his stringent r u l e s . I had n e v e r s e e n E m i l i t o t h i s r e l a x e d b e t o r e . He

was always s o c a r e f u l about what he ate or drank because of h i s

delicate constitution. A dozen q u e s t i o n s and a s many t e a r s flooded
me.

"What i s t h e spec i a l o c c a s i o n ? " I asked.

" I t ' s my b i r t h d a y ,I' he s a i d w i t h a c h i l d l i k e s q u e a l .
' B u t I t h o u g h t one d i d n ' t c e l e b r a t e birthdays i n the sorcerers'
world. What about t h e r e c a p i t u l a t i o n , what about e r a s i n g your p e r s o n a l
h i s t o r y , what a b o u t f a c i n g on coming time?"

32
 "What about them?" he asked b l i n k i n e l i k e a b i r d .
He took o u t of t h e cupboard two e x q u i s i t e etched liquor glasses.
I had n e v e r seen them t h e r e b e f o r e , i n s p i t e o f t h e keen eye I k e p t on

t h e placement of o b j e c t s i n and a b o u t t h e house. Nothing had escaped

my s c r u t i n y t o r I had been obsessed w i t h d e t e r m i n i n g who l i v e d i n t h e
house and what t h e y were up t o .
" I though t h a t losing one's personal history meant t h a t one

d i d n ' t f o c u s on t h e day one was b o r n , l e t a l o n e c e l e b r a t e i t , " I s a i d ,

admiring t h e g l a s s e s . They were c r y s t a l w i t h a d e l i c a t e stem and t h e
f a i n t e s t geometric p a t t e r n etched i n t h e r i m .
He c a r e f u l l y s e t the g l a s s e s down on t h e t a b l e . "Where d i d you

e v e r g e t t h a t i d e a ? " he asked. "The day you were born i s most impor-

tant."
" I t ' s a day I want t o t o r g e t , " I s a i d .
He smacked h i s l i p s , "Well, it i t i s n ' t i m p o r t a n t t o you, t h e n i t
i s t o me."
' I d o n ' t understand."

" I t ' s important because t h a t was the day I began r e p a y i n g my

d e b t , " he explained.
' I s t i l l d o n ' t g e t i t . Can you t e l l me what you mean?"

"The day you woke up i n t h e harness and lowered y o u r s e l f down

from t h e t r e e , and t h e f i r s t moment you l a i d eyes on me a t t h i s very

kitchen door, t h a t was t h e day I began r e p a y i n g my d e b t . As f a r a s

I ' m concerned, t h a t was your b i r t h d a y and, i n a way, mine t o o . And i n

c a s e you d i d n ' t know i t , which you d o n ' t because you have a s l u g g i s h ,

l a z y mind, t h a t day was e x a c t l y one y e a r ago from today. So, T a i s h a

l e t ' s d r i n k up and c e l e b r a t e o u r freedom."

33
 He handed me t h e s h e r r y g l a s s f i l l e d w i t h a yellow orange t h i c k
l i q u i d he had poured o u t of a clear distillery flask, t h e kind w i t h
t h e bulbous bottom one s e e s i n a c h e m i s t s l a b o r a t o r y . He h e l d up h i s
g l a s s and w a i t e d t o r me t o do t h e same.

I had t h e f o r e s i g h t t o know t h a t a s soon a s o u r g l a s s e s touched

something monumental would happen. I hesitated. 1 d i d n ' t want t o

t o a s t , and y e t I was compelled t o follow ~ m i l i t o ' sg e s t u r e . Reluc-

tantly, I h e l d up my g l a s s and s a i d ' p r o s t ' t h e way E m i l i t o had, and

even t r i e d t o s m i l e a b i t . Then he i n s i s t e d w e c l i n k g l a s s e s .

He s i p p e d h i s l i q u o r d e l i c a t e l y , s a v o r i n g every b i t . I cautious-

l y took a sip o t mine. I n e a r l y choked. I t t a s t e d l i k e sweet t u r p e n -

t i n e . Thick, and s t i c k y and warm. E m i l i t o , happy that I was d r i n k i n g
h i s concoction, looked a t me w i t h such h o p e f u l anticipation that I
,,.

. . took a n o t h e r s i p .

" I s n ' t t h i s r e a l l y something?" he s a i d w a i t i n g f o r my r e p l y .

' Y e s , it i s , " I s a i d t r y i n g n o t t o grimace.
That was a l l I could s a y ; t h e l i q u e u r had burned my t h r o a t and I
wondered it I would ever t a l k a g a i n . He made me d r i n k every drop and
then I passed o u t .
I remembered having t h e most v i v i d dream. There was C l a r a and

Manfred and gorgeous Nelida. I thought we were a t a p i c n i c grounds,

u n t i l I r e a l i z e d i t was t h e back of someone's house. There was an open
t i r e in an o i l drum f i l l e d with mesquite wood and a g r i d on top. I

s m e l l e d pork r o a s t i n g over mesquite wood. There was a l a r g e g a t h e r i n g ;

among them, a few were young but o t h e r s were o l d e r , and one young man
i n p a r t i c u l a r was s t a r i n g a t me. They a l l seemed s o happy and bubbling
w i t h enthusiasm and c a r e f r e e d e l i g h t , t h a t I f o r g o t my a n x i e t y and was

happy t o o .
I focused my gaze on t h e young man. He seemed t o be t h e c e n t e r
of t h e group o t people who were l i s t e n i n g t o him t a l k . I wanted t o go

o v e r t h e r e , but N e l i d a stopped me. She p l a c e d h e r hand on my s h o u l d e r

and s a i d , "Stay h e r e , i t ' s not time y e t . Y o u ' l l meet t h e new n a g u a l

soon, on t h e o t h e r side. Then your task w i l l be t o merge t h e two

sides. Only t h e p r o f o u n d e s t a t t e c t i o n w i l l a l l o w you t o do t h a t . "

I woke up. Something was poking my r i b s . I r e a l i z e d i t was t h e

c a r door handle. We must have gone around a s h a r p c u r v e because I was

slumped a g a i n s t t h e door.
"Damn dogs," Carlos said. "They're always c r o s s i n g t h e s t r e e t
when a c a r ' s coming."
"Did we h i t i t ? " I asked concerned.
C a r l o s reached o u t an arm t o h e l p me s t r a i g h t e n up. "No," he
said returning h i s hand to the s t e e r i n g wheel. "I t h i n k we were i n

luck."
I looked up j u s t i n t i m e t o s e e a mangy dog s l i t h e r i n g off t h e
s i d e of t h e r o a d i n t o a g u l l y .

"Are t h e r e people l i v i n g around h e r e ? " I asked s u r p r i s e d t o s e e a

d o m e s t i c a t e d animal. Except f o r t h e c o n s t r u c t i o n crew, whom I assumed

were there just to repair the r o a d , some crows and a f i e l d mouse

d a r t i n g across the road, I hadn't seen a single sign ot life for

miles.
,,N a t u r a l l y , there a r e p e o p l e l i v i n g h e r e , " C a r l o s r e p l i e d . "Near
the hills there are many r a n c h e r i a s . You c a n ' t see them from t h e
 highway, but they're there. It's dangerous t o wonder about h e r e a t
n i g h t . People around h e r e s h o o t f i r s t and ask q u e s t i o n s l a t e r . "
"Who would want t o l i v e out here in t h e middle of t h e Sonoran
desert?" I s a i d , hoping t h e temperamental C h e v r o l e t w o u l d n ' t choose
t h i s s p o t t o break down.
" I t ' s not a question of wanting," Carlos corrected me. "This

entire area was a t one time s e t t l e d by t h e Yaqui I n d i a n s b e f o r e they

were r e l o c a t e d t o C e n t r a l Mexico. L a t e r , they were brought back by t h e
carloads t o work i n t h e mines. We a r e n e a r i n g a town c a l l e d S a n t a Ana

named a f t e r t h e famous g e n e r a l who f o u g h t a t t h e Alamo and who l a t e r

became P r e s i d e n t o t Mexico. T h e r e ' s even a song a b o u t t h e town.''
"I've never heard of it, the song I mean. I ' v e heard of t h e
general. Wasn't he p r e s i d e n t of Mexico t h r e e t i m e s ? "
"He g o t h i s l e g s h o t o t f and t h e y had a hero's burial for it,"
Carlos said. "And when he f e l l o u t of g r a c e t h e y dug up t h e l e g and
threw i t i n t h e r i v e r . "

I took a map o t Mexico o u t of t h e glove compartment and c a r e f u l l y

unfolding it then r e f o l d i n g it t o show o n l y t h e a r e a t h a t concerned

us. I wanted t o s e e j u s t how f a r we were from HermosilLo and t h a t
e x c e l l e n t r e s t a u r a n t t h a t C a r l o s had s a i d was t h e r e .
As we turned a c u r v e , a Pemex s t a t i o n and a c l u s t e r of b u i l d i n g s
came i n t o view. The houses were w h i t e w i t h doors p a i n t e d a brilliant

turquoise, the widespread c o l o r of t h e a r e a . Most of t h e houses i n

Sonora had t h e i r d o o r s t u r q u o i s e o r blue. I had always thought

it was t o represent t h e blue c l o a k of t h e V i r g i n of Guadalupe, but

C a r l o s s a i d i t was because i t was a n easy c o l o r f o r d i v e r s t o s e e , so
1
they wouldn't run into the houses coming around t h e c u r v e s of t h e
narrow s t r e e t s .
I t made s e n s e . By the looks of the dirt alleyways and no

s i d e w a l k s , it would be e a s y f o r a t r u c k o r c a r t o swerve around a bend

t o o f a s t and ram a house.

"This i s S a n t a Ana," C a r l o s s a i d slowing down. " I f y o u ' r e hungry

we can s t o p and g e t something t o e a t h e r e . "

I 'began t o s a l i v a t e w i t h a n t i c i p a t i o n . But when I saw a dead dog

on t h e r o a d s i d e , r e c e n t l y hit by a car, my stomach a g a i n became
queasy. Carlos pulled into the gas s t a t i o n and t o l d me t o w a i t f o r
him i n t h e b u i l d i n g n e x t door which was' a restaurant w h i l e he f i l l e d
t h e car with petrol.
When I e n t e r e d , I found t h e l a r g e a i r y room was d e s e r t e d . I t had

a black and w h i t e linoleum  ± l o o r m e t a l t a b l e s with green speckled

formica tops, tramed p i c t u r e s of t h e s w i s s a l p s on t h e w h i t e washed
w a l l s , and t a d e d ruttled curtains on the casement windows, whose
s a s h e s were p a i n t e d t h e t r a d i t i o n a l blue. There was even a broken down
jukebox i n t h e c o r n e r . The place looked like something out of a

f i f t i e s movie. Any minute I expected a m o t o r c y c l e gang t o r i d e through

t h e door, and r e v v i n g t h e i r motors r i d e c i r c l e s around t h e t a b l e s .

I s a t down a t one of t h e t a b l e s under a c e i l i n g t a n t h a t had one

o t its armatures missing. A lean middle aged woman and a g i r l of
about t e n came o u t from behind a blue curtain that led t o another
room. The woman seemed groggy from t h e h e a t , o r perhaps t h e y had been
t a k i n g a s i e s t a i n t h e n e x t room and were awaken when I entered. I
smiled a t t h e woman, and winked a t t h e g i r l , who immediately r a n and
h i d behind t h e c u r t a i n .
 C o n t i d e n t l y , I ordered two P i e n a t i e l mineral waters s i n gas i n

Spanish. The woman smiled and nodded and momentarily r e t u r n e d w i t h one

b o t t l e of m i n e r a l w a t e r w i t h bubbles and a g l a s s of i c e , which s h e s e t
on t h e table w i t h a bang. I decided i t was s a f e r t o d r i n k d i r e c t l y

from t h e b o t t l e and bypass t h e g l a s s and the ice. I was t r y i n g t o

decipher the hand written menu, when Carlos came i n and s a t down
a c r o s s from me.

" f o r g e t w h a t ' s on t h e menu," he said taking it out of my hand.

" I n r u r a l Mexico, i t ' s b e s t t o o r d e r t h e p l a t e of t h e day."

"And what might t h a t be?" I asked handing him a n a p k i n I had

p r i e d o u t trom t h e s t a i n l e s s s t e e l napkin holder.
" I ' l l f i n d o u t , " he s a i d and beckoned t o r t h e woman t o come o v e r .

A f r i e n d l y exchange tollowed. C a r l o s attempted t o include me i n

t h e conversation, but t h e t l o w w a s t o o f a s t , s o I j u s t nodded dumbly
whenever I thought i t was a p p r o p r i a t e . Then Carlos t u r n e d t o me and
s a i d i n E n g l i s h , "She s a y s t h e stew i s t r e s h . The meat was j u s t k i l l e d

today. "

"What kind o t meat a r e we t a l k i n g about?" I asked remembering t h e

dead dog on t h e highway.
" I t ' s hard t o say," he r e p l i e d with a shrug. " L e t ' s t i n d o u t ,
s h a l l we. I ' l l o r d e r two s p e c i a l t i e s o t h e house."
S i n c e I had agreed we were on a t r i p of power and t h a t I would

o t t e r a s l i t t l e r e s i s t a n c e a s p o s s i b l e , I accepted h i s recommendations
w i t h a nod.
"Stew w i l l be t i n e , " I s a i d c l e a n i n g my spoon w i t h a napkin.
C a r l o s o r d e r e d f o r me, and t h e woman, i n a faded b l u e s k i r t and
; !
white blouse, gave me a n angry look a s i f offended t h a t I had cleaned

the silverware.
R i g h t away t h e woman returned with two bowels on a t r a y along

w i t h a s t a c k o t steaming t o r t i l l a s and a bowl of g r e e n c h i l l y peppers.

She s e t them on t h e t a b l e and I was s o famished t h a t b e f o r e s h e had

even t a k e n the t o r t i l l a s o f f t h e t r a y , I had a l r e a d y dipped i n t o t h e

stew. I n e a r l y choked. I t was t h e h o t t e s t stew I had e v e r tasted. I

l i t e r a l l y had t o douse t h e f i r e i n my mouth w i t h m i n e r a l w a t e r .

The w a i t r e s s chuckled and p r e t e n d e d n o t t o n o t i c e my d i s c o m f o r t ,
but I s u s p e c t e d t h a t s h e was g e t t i n g back a t me for insinuating that
her silverware wasn't clean and had s p i k e d my p o r t i o n of s t e w w i t h

e x t r a c h i l i powder.

. I c a n ' t t e l l what kind of meat t h i s is," I s a i d a f t e r downing

'1

p l e n t y o f water. "The c h i l e powder i s t o o overpowering."

The stew including the meat looked uniformly brownish r e d ,

a l t h o u g h I thought I d e t e c t e d a few beans o r perhaps t h e y were bones;

I wasn't sure.

"Do you suppose i t ' s dog meat?" I asked p e e r i n g a t t h e stew.

C a r l o s took a bite. "No, most l i k e l y i t ' s b e e t , " he s a i d and

c o n t i d e n t l y took a n o t h e r b i t e . "Hmm. On second t h o u g h t , perhaps i t s

donkey meat. "

Regardless or what it was, he made s h o r t s h r i f t o t h i s stew.

Apparently he was no s t r a n g e r t o c h i l e peppers either, tor he a t e a

couple o t h e green ones r i g h t from t h e bowel. I , on t h e o t h e r hand,

o n l y picked a t my food and s t u f f e d myself w i t h t o r t i l l a s .

' I sure hope I ' m not eating someone's p e t , " I said by way of
commentary.

39
 "Dogs a r e n ' t p e t s around h e r e , " C a r l o s informed me. "There i s n ' t

enough food t o f e e d p e o p l e l e t a l o n e dogs. A d o g ' s l i f e in Sonora i s

truly worth nothing. They have t o scrounge a l l day f o r tood where
t h e r e i s n t any."

A f l y landed on t h e t o r t i l l a s and I q u i c k l y shooed i t away w i t h a

f l i c k of my hand.
"How come Mexico i s s o poor?" I asked t a r i n g o f t a b i t of t h e

t o r t i l l a and l e a v i n g t h e p a r t where t h e f l y had landed. "It seems t o

me t h a t w i t h a l l t h e a i d from t h e United S t a t e s government, t h e y could
grow enough food t o f e e d t h e i r p o p u l a t i o n . "

C a r l o s shook h i s head. " T h e r e ' s t o o much g r a f t and c o r r u p t i o n i n

the higher p l a c e s , " he s a i d . "Very l i t t l e of t h e money e v e r t r i c k l e s
down t o where i t ' s r e a l l y needed."
" G r a f t and c o r r u p t i o n , " I s a i d . "Two of t h e meanest words i n the
E n g l i s h language. "

I looked a t Carlos, h i s s p a r k i n g eyes had t a k e n on a somber a i r

r e v e a l i n g a more s e r i o u s s i d e of h i s n a t u r e .
"The r e v o l u t i o n didn't free t h e Mexican p e o p l e , " he c o n t i n u e d .
" I t only enslaved them more. Now everything i s i n t h e hands of t h e
g o v e r n m e n t o r t h e big a g r i c u l t u r a l conglomerates, and t h e people are
still going hungry. What kind ot r e v o l u t i o n i s t h a t , when n i n e t y
p e r c e n t o t t h e land i s s t i l l i n t h e hands of a meager t e n p e r c e n t ? "

J u s t t h e n t h e l i t t l e g i r l t u r n e d on t h e jukebox, and t h e room was

tilled with lively music. It was a r a n c h e r a , t h e t y p i c a l music of
Sonora. The i n s t r u m e n t s i n c l u d e d t h e s m a l l a c c o r d i o n , a harmonica and
some s o r t of p e r c u s s i o n sound a l l blended t o g e t h e r i n a l i v e l y beat
t h a t reminded me o t a german polka. I wondered what t h e words were and
asked C a r l o s t o t r a n s l a t e .
"I thought you s a i d you spoke S p a n i s h , " C a r l o s remarked.
"I do, i n a n e l e m e n t a r y s o r t o t way."

"How elementary do you mean?"

I realized i t would be i m p o s s i b l e t o keep up a p r e t e n s e . I n a

c o u n t r y were o n l y Spanish was spoke, one's deficiencies would un-
d o u b t e d l y become clear. It was b e t t e r t h a t I made a c l e a n b a r e s t of

things.

" F i r s t year college l e v e l , " I admitted. "I won't e x p e c t you t o

t r a n s l a t e e v e r y t h i n g . B e s i d e s , I understand a g r e a t d e a l . "
C a r l o s nodded. A p p a r e n t l y he d i d n ' t b e l i e v e my b o a s t i n g .
The song ended a s a b r u p t l y a s i t had begun. The woman came o v e r
and s t o o d by t h e table and chatted with Carlos in a flirtatious
manner. I looked on, t r y i n g t o t o l l o w t h e g i s t of t h e i r c o n v e r s a t i o n .

I could t e l l t h a t s h e was d e f i n i t e l y a t t r a c t e d by C a r l o s and t h a t a t

one p o i n t s h e was saying t e r r i b l e t h i n g s about h e r drunken husband.

But when I was unable follow t h e i r banter of j o k e s and l a u g h t e r , I
gave up l i s t e n i n g and began a s s e s s i n g t h e woman's appearance.

I was surprised t o s e e t h a t t h e woman w a s n ' t a s o l d a s s h e had

f i r s t seemed. I n f a c t , under h e r u n t i d y appearance, s h e was b e a u t i f u l ;

with large almond e y e s , h i g h cheekbones and p e r f e c t l y f l a w l e s s bronze

s k i n . Her e l a b o r a t e pendant e a r r i n g s and long, j e t black h a i r , t h a t

was done in a s i n g l e b r a i d , gave h e r an e x o t i c look. Incongruously,

s h e wore a l a r g e amethyst r i n g on t h e index f i n g e r of h e r r i g h t hand.
There was something about h e r t h a t looked f a m i l i a r , y e t I c o u l d n ' t p i n
 p o i n t what it was. I wondered who s h e was, and what had caused her t o

spend h e r l i k e working i n a d e s e r t town i n Sonora.

I realized I was beginning t o t e e 1 s u p e r i o r a g a i n . The woman's
e n t i r e l i t e had been decided t o r h e r . She had no a l t e r n a t i v e but t o
follow t h e designs o t her t a t e . Then I began t o p i t y h e r f o r being
s t u c k i n a s m a l l town having t o w a i t on customers a t a l l h o u r s , and t o

take care ot a husband who drinks e x c e s s i v e l y , and an o b v i o u s l y

u n d e r n o u r i s h e d , s i c k l y d a u g h t e r . The only excitement in her dreary
l i t e would be going t o mass on Sunday and g o s s i p i n g w i t h h e r n e i g h b o r s
a b o u t t h e l a t e s t b i r t h o r wedding. I thanked my s t a r s t h a t I w a s n ' t i n
h e r shoes.
My thoughts were i n t e r r u p t e d when t h e woman suddenly t u r n e d t o me
and gave me a t i e r c e s t a r e a s i t s h e caught t h e d r i f t o t my f e e l i n g s .
A strange u n e a s i n e s s came upon me a s I remembered a n o t h e r t i m e I had
come t o Mexico. I was w i t h C l a r a , a l s o s i t t i n g in a r e s t a u r a n t , only

i t had been £111o t customers. I r e c a l l e d how an i n t r u s i v e s t r a n g e r

had s a t down a t o u r t a b l e u n i n v i t e d and how C l a r a had d i s p a t c h e d him

with a similar intensity t h a t had allowed him no a l t e r n a t i v e but t o

l e a v e n o t o n l y our t a b l e but t h e r e s t a u r a n t i t s e l t . Now, I f e l t like

doing t h e same t h i n g , t o r t h a t woman's s t a r e had c u t r i g h t t h r o u g h me.

Un t o p of t h a t , s h e had pointed her amethyst c l a d finger a t me and
i n s t a n t l y I g o t a headache.
The woman gave C a r l o s a smile and me a n o t h e r contemptuous look
and l e f t our t a b l e l e a v i n g no doubt i n my mind that I had completely
misjudged h e r s t r e n g t h .
"That woman is a tamous c u r e r , " C a r l o s s a i d i n a w h i s p e r . "She
j has p a t i e n t s t h a t come t o h e r from a l l o v e r Sonora."

42
 "What? You mean s h e d o e s n ' t l i v e h e r e i n t h e back room?" I said

s t u n n e d . "What i s s h e doing w a i t i n g on t a b l e s ? I t h o u g h t t h i s was h e r

place. "
"Ermilina i s t i l i n g i n t o r h e r s i s t e r who is v i s i t i n g r e l a t i v e s
i n Hermosillo," Carlos explained.
I telt lower t h a n a snake i n t h e sand t o r having been caught i n

p e t t y judgement.
"And t h a t g i r l ? I suppose s h e i s n ' t h e r d a u g h t e r . "
"No. T h a t ' s h e r s i s t e r ' s c h i l d , C a r m e l i t a . She looks j u s t l i k e

h e r , doesn't she?"

I nodded. 'I would have sworn s h e was h e r d a u g h t e r . I suppose

s h e d o e s n ' t have a drunken husband e i t h e r ? "
"No. What makes you s a y t h a t ? She i s n ' t married."
I shrugged. Well, anyone c a n make a m i s t a k e , I s a i d t o m y s e l t . I

wanted t o l e a v e b e f o r e t h e woman came back. I d i d n o t want t o f a c e h e r

a g a i n . I would h a t e t o be h e r enemy for I knew enough to t e l l that
t h a t woman had power. If s h e was a c u r e r s h e c o u l d a l s o c a s t s p e l l s .

And I knew about t h e t e a r p e o p l e had o t t h e ' e v i l e y e 1 - o r ma1 o j o of

witches.
I glanced a t t h e door.
,,Are you e x p e c t i n g someone?" C a r l o s asked.

"Who would I be e x p e c t i n g ? " I s a i d . A t t h e same t i m e I r e a l i z e d

t h a t being a g a i n i n what I had always regarded a s ' s o r c e r y c o u n t r y ' , I

telt a strange excitement, as i f I were e x p e c t i n g C l a r a t o walk i n ,

s i t down a t o u r t a b l e and begin c h a t t i n g i n h e r e a s y way a s i t n o t h i n g

had happened i n t h e many months t h a t had e l a p s e s .

 from t h e moment I met C a r l o s a t t h e U n i v e r s i t y , 1 had wanted t o

t e l l him about Clara and Emilito and the sorcerers' house n e a r

Navojoa, but a deep b a r r i e r always prevented me from t a l k i n g about
them. A t one p o i n t on our d r i v e , I had wanted t o t e l l him o t t h e dream
I had had w i t h t i m i l i t o , but I had always f e l t t h a t t o t e l l someone

o n e ' s dreams i s t o invite analysis or comment on o n e ' s innermost

b e i n g , s o a g a i n I remained s i l e n t .

"Do you t h i n k don J u a n w i l l be a t h i s house when we g e t t h e r e ? " I

asked.
I began t o v i g o r o u s l y shake my head from side t o side to clear
it. I t was a h a b i t I had p i c k e d up from t h e time I s t a y e d w i t h C l a r a .
Whenever I became mentally bogged down, or emotionally upset, I
allowed myselt a moment of relaxation by shaking my head. That
1 movement c a u s e an e l e c t r i c c u r r e n t o r a q u i v e r of energy t o r u s h up my
spine into t h e back o t my head, c a u s i n g an i n v o l u n t a r y s h i v e r , which
helped t o throw o f f any t e n s i o n .

"Perhaps," Carlos s a i d o b s e r v i n g me c u r i o u s l y . "But a s I ' v e s a i d ,

sometimes h e ' s d i t f i c u l t t o t r a c k down."
"Does he h i d e trom you?"

'Mot e x a c t l y , he j u s t i s n ' t i n h i s house, and no one knows where

h e ' s gone o r when he w i l l r e t u r n . "

"That can make doing t i e l d r e s e a r c h ditticult," I said taking a

bite ot one o t t h e c h i l e peppers. "What i t h e ' s n o t t h e r e now? Then
we came a l l t h i s way t o r nothing."
I t was f i e r c e l y hot but I pretended t h e pepper d i d n ' t bother me.
There was something very impressive, I thought, about e a t i n g c h i l l y
peppers s t r a i g h t trom t h e bowl. I remember my b r o t h e r s e a t i n g c h i l i e s
 from a j a r , w i t h o u t f l i n c h i n g , i n a kind of childhood t e s t of bravery.
S i n c e I had copied e v e r y t h i n g t h e y d i d , I a l s o followed them i n t h a t
endeavor. I got b l i s t e r e d i n my mouth from t h e burns t o prove I was
j u s t as -
macho a s t h e y were. I realized t h a t the recapitulation hadn't

c u r e d me of my deep r o o t e d c o m p e t i t i v e n e s s , f o r I was doing t h e same

t h i n g now, and I was no l o n g e r a c h i l d .

"What do you mean coming f o r nothing?" Carlos s a i d r a i s i n g an

eyebrow a t my grimace. "What about delighting i n each o t h e r ' s com-

pany?''

That sounded s o much l i k e something C l a r a might have s a i d that I

had t o laugh.
'The t r i p w o n ' t be t o r n o t h i n g , " C a r l o s a s s u r e d me. "Kernember o u r
p l a n t o c o l l e c t masks f o r t h e t i t h n o l o g i c a l museum?"
, ,
"What kind of masks a r e you l o o k i n g f o r ? " I asked.
" P a s c o l a masks. Masks carved for the dances that t h e Yaqui
i n d i a n s perform during t h e i r c e l e b r a t i o n s . They r e p r e s e n t animals o r
s p i r i t s . The Yaqui i n d i a n s b e l i e v e t h a t by wearing the masks w h i l e
they dance, t h e y can e n t e r i n t o t h e s p i r i t world."
"Do you b e l i e v e t h a t i s p o s s i b l e ? " I asked.

Carlos took a sip o t mineral water. "Of c o u r s e , d o n ' t you?" he

asked t u r n i n g t h e q u e s t i o n around.

I wanted t o s a y , "I c e r t a i n l y do, but a familiar i n n e r warning

bell sounded. Now was not the time o r p l a c e t o t a l k a b o u t my own
experiences.
,,I n a way," I s a i d c a s u a l l y . "They s a y s o r c e r e r s do it a l l t h e

time, although I don't r e a l l y know what s o r c e r y i s . Perhaps you c a n

t e l l me."

45
 "Sorcery i s t h e a b i l i t y t o p e r c e i v e more t h a n our s o c i e t y and our

personal milieu p e r m i t s u s t o p e r c e i v e , " he s a i d . " S o r c e r e r s s a y t h a t

t h e r e i s more t o a l l t h i s t h a n meets t h e eye, but t o a c t u a l l y p e r c e i v e

other levels ot reality, such a s t h e s p i r i t w o r l d , one has t o s t o r e

p e r s o n a l power."
He became s e r i o u s and s a i d t h a t to investigate t h e p r a c t i c e s of

s o r c e r y and i t s ramifications was t h e r e a s o n he had been coming t o

Mexico on a r e g u l a r b a s i s .
" I t t h e r e i s something to it, I ' m going t o find o u t , " he s a i d
with a smile.

The t l y was c i r c l i n g t h e t a b l e a g a i n . I shooed i t away.

"What about Len Buddhism?" I asked.
He looked a t me s u r p r i s e d . "What about i t ? "
!
' D i d you know t h a t i n t h e o l d days i n China, when Buddhists monks

wanted t o b u i l d a r o a d , t h e y had t o pick out a l l the worms from t h e

dirt and move them to s a f e t y b e f o r e t h e y c o u l d proceed w i t h t h e i r

c o n s t r u c t i o n work?
"And I t h o u g h t roadwork was slow here i n Mexico," C a r l o s s a i d
with a laugh. " T h a t ' s sounds a b s o l u t e l y t e d i o u s . Why would t h e y do

that?"
'The Buddhists b e l i e v e t h a t t o k i l l even t h e most i n s i g n i f i c a n t
Life form is wrong. Take this t l y t o r i n s t a n c e . A Zen Buddhist
s i t t i n g h e r e would n o t swat i t . "
C a r l o s gave me a c u r i o u s look a s i t t h e h e a t ot the c h i l l y s had
gotten t h e b e t t e r of me. I told him t h a t once my k a r a t e t e a c h e r ,
w h i l e l e c t u r i n g t o h i s s t u d e n t s about t h e importance o t zen i n m a r t i a l
a r t s , proceeded t o squash a l l t h e f l i e s t h a t had landed on h i s desk.
 "And w i t h a r o l l e d up m a r t i a l a r t s magazine t o b o o t , " I s a i d . "My
teacher d i d n ' t s e e the irony o t it a l l . But t o me i t was a major
r e v e l a t i o n . A f t e r t h a t , I c o u l d no l o n g e r r e s p e c t him."

"You lost respect tor your t e a c h e r because he k i l l e d a f l y ? "

C a r l o s asked. "What does k i l i i n g f l i e s have t o do w i t h r e s p e c t . "

"Don't you g e t i t ? Not because he k i l l e d a fly, but because of

what t h e f l y represented. I t was obvious t h a t m y t e a c h e r was t r y i n g

t o make us s t u d e n t s b e l i e v e he was a Zen m a s t e r . b u t t h e f l i e s were a

dead giveaway. "

C a r l o s looked a t me a s i t I were a f l y , and he wanted t o swat me.

"Don't you s e e ? " I lamented. "Don't you g e t i t ? "

' I sympathize w i t h you," he s a i d a t l a s t . "I, too, l o s t respect

f o r my t e a c h e r , don Juan. He k e p t c a l l i n g me a stupid i m b e c i l e and
since I knew I wasn't one, I c o u l d n ' t r e s p e c t him any l o n g e r . I

t h o u g h t he was d e l i b e r a t e l y i n s u l t i n g me and t h a t i t was he who was

stupid tor not appreciating my worth. Luckily, I d i d n ' t s t o p seeing
him, and now I r e s p e c t him even more because I know he was r i g h t . I am
an i m b e c i l e and s o a r e you."
I didn't like at a l l when he included me i n h i s r e a l i z a t i o n . We

w e r e n ' t y e t on s u c h familiar terms that he could insult me w i t h

impunity. I n t a c t , when I thought about i t , I r e a l i z e d t h a t i t was
i m p o r t a n t t o me t h a t C a r l o s r e s p e c t me. I was deliberately trying to
make a good impression on him, to the p o i n t of eating green c h i l e
peppers. To my dismay, t h e b a s i c premises t h a t governed my behavior
had n o t changed i n s p i t e of t h e r e c a p i t u l a t i o n .

C l a r a had warned me t h a t i t was n o t enough t o merely r e c a p i t u l a t e

o n e ' s l i f e ; one must a l s o a c t upon t h e understanding t h a t a thorough
47
 .~~

examination of one's life brings. I t ' s n o t t h e c a s e t h a t one i s

suddenly d i f f e r e n t . But t h a t by being aware o f o n e ' s h a b i t s , one h a s a

moment's pause t o a c t d i f f e r e n t l y i f one s o chooses. What t h e r e c a p i -
t u l a t i o n does, i s t h a t , by b r i n g i n g awareness t o t h e foreground, i t
g i v e s one a chance t o be different. Whether o r n o t one t a k e s t h a t
c h o i c e , depends on o n e ' s energy a t t h a t p a r t i c u l a r moment. More o f t e n
t h a n n o t , I saw t h a t i n s p i t e of my u n d e r s t a n d i n g of my own b e h a v i o r a l

dynamics, my i n i t i a l r e a c t i o n was s t i l l t h e same a s always.

To impress my companion, I s a i d , "Do you know a song c a l l e d , ' I c h
Liebe Caborca? ' "
Without w a i t i n g for his reply, I began t o s i n g a few b a r s of a
song C l a r a had t a u g h t me about a town i n t h e Gran U e s i e r t o s e t t l e d by
Germans. Carlos was not impressed. I n f a c t , my s i n g i n g seemed t o
, .
, embarrass him more t h a n my t r y i n g t o speak Spanish. He t o l d me t o
p i p e down. I n s t e a d of complying, I o b s t i n a t e l y began t o s i n g l o u d e r . I

d i d n ' t know what had gotten into me, f o r I never sang i n f r o n t of

anyone. C a r l o s ' p r e s e n c e seemed t o be doing s t r a n g e t h i n g s t o me.

When I had f i n i s h e d t h e whole song, I began t o laugh n e r v o u s l y . I

knew t h e h e a t of t h e c h i l l y peppers had begun t o s i n g e my brain, f o r

when I turned my head, I thought I s a w E m i l i t o ' s b i r d l i k e f a c e peek
o u t from behind t h e b l u e c u r t a i n t h a t l e d t o the o t h e r room. For a
moment he shook his finger at me warning me n o t t o i n d u l g e . It
happened s o f a s t t h a t I knew it was an i l l u s i o n , a p r o d u c t ot wishful

t h i n k i n g , l i k e t h e mirage of w a t e r on a d e s e r t road. My r a t i o n a l mind

e x p l a i n e d i t away s a y i n g t h a c it must have been t h a t woman c u r e r o r

t h e l i t t l e g i r l t h a t had poked h e r head o u t from behind t h e c u r t a i n .
 Nevertheless, I took E m i l i t o ' s fantom warning t o h e a r t . I used

a l l my e f f o r t t o g a i n c o n t r o l o v e r m y s e l t .

"What a r e you l o o k i n g a t ? " C a r l o s asked.

"I j u s t thought I saw someone."

' B u t t h e r e ' s no one i n t h e room," he s a i d concerned.

,,I mean someone I knew i n t h e p a s t . "

I looked s t r a i g h t a t him. A bubble b u r s t and I knew without a

doubt t h a t Carlos was t h e p e r s o n E m i l i t o had s a i d t h e s p i r i t would p u t
me i n c o n t a c t with. Only t h e r e was no way I could t e l l him t h a t

w i t h o u t having him t h i n k I was c r a z y , and t h a t was t h e l a s t t h i n g I

wanted anyone t o t h i n k about me, e s p e c i a l l y Carlos. He seemed t o o
s o b e r , and I f e l t t h a t o n l y a s t a b l e , r e a s o n a b l e p e r s o n would p a s s h i s

.
scrutiny .
I
'Do you know many p e o p l e i n Mexico?" I asked trying t o sound
casual.

He mentioned t h e names of s e v e r a l p e o p l e , b u t C l a r a and E m i l i t o

' w e r e n o t among them.

The woman came back and C a r l o s gave h e r some b i l l s t o pay f o r t h e

meal. They c h a t t e d w h i l e I watched t h e f l i e s f i g h t i n g o v e r t h e crumbs

on t h e t a b l e . Then t h e woman's eyes h e l d mine f o r a moment, and i n
that instant I knew we had met b e f o r e . She was one of t h e women i n

t h e v i s i o n I had i n E m i l i t o ' s house. I s t a r e d a t her terrified. But

she did n o t s m i l e t o p u t me a t e a s e a s I would have l i k e d . R a t h e r , t o
my u t t e r dismay, s h e regarded me w i t h complete contempt.

A s we g o t up t o l e a v e , s h e tollowed u s and whispered h a r s h l y i n

my e a r . "Stop i n d u l g i n g , young l a d y , " s h e s a i d i n E n g l i s h , " o r y o u ' l l
be i n deep t r o u b l e . "
 I reacted w i t h anger and d i d n ' t want t o b e l i e v e h e r , b u t some
p a r t o t me knew s h e was r i g h t .
 4

Hermosillo

I t was l a t e atternoon by t h e time we a r r i v e d i n Hermosillo. We

stopped a t t h e main i n t e r s e c t i o n t o a l l o w a group of school children

wearing blue b l a z e r s and knee p a n t s t o p c r o s s t h e s t r e e t . They were
accompanied by patrolmen c a r r y i n g a yellow and w h i t e s t o p s i g n h e l d up

h i g h . When the elderly man lowered t h e s i g n , t h e c a r s resumed t h e i r

e r r a t i c movement, honking a s t h e y made t h e i r way through t h e i n t e r s e c -

tion. With the windows. r o l l e d down, I could h e a r t h e b e l l s of

b i c y c l e s , c a r e n g i n e s and b a r k i n g dogs.
We passed nouses w i t h potted geranium plants decorating t h e i r
t i l e steps, and o r n a t e wrought i r o n f e n c e s and g a t e s p r o t e c t i n g t h e
e n t r a n c e s . C a r p e t s o t burgundy bougainvillaea covered parts of t h e
t i l e roottops, wrapping themselves around chimney s t a c k s , o r hung i n
t h i c k c l u s t e r s from t r e l l i s e s o r balcony r a i l i n g s .
C a r l o s parked t h e c a r n e a r t h e p l a z a made o t a c i r c u l a r p a r k w i t h
benches an a gazebo i n t h e c e n t e r .

"Lets s t r e t c h our legs f o r a moment," he s a i d . "I want t o s t o p

a t a bakery 1 know and buy some bread and also some f r u i t before
heading on t o tiuaymas."

I was relieved t o be a b l e t o g e t o u t o f t h e c a r and walk b e f o r e

continuing our journey. The c h i l i e s I had eaten i n S a n t a Ana had
u p s e t my stomach a n d 1 needed t o go t o t h e restroom badly.
 "Now don't go f o l l o wling me in with your notebook," I s a i d
seriously.
C a r l o s laughed. " I t was my t r i e n d , L a r r y , who did the study; I
o n l y a s s i s t e d h i m on a few o c c a s i o n s . "
Along our d r i v e , C a r l o s had e n t e r t a i n e d me w i t h a s t o r y of how a
f r i e n d of h i s a t t h e Univers'ity was interested in studying t o i l e t

behavior, cross culturally. To t h i s e f f e c t , L a r r y k e p t a notebook on

p e o p l e ' s a c t i v i t i e s i n r e s t r o o m s . He had a c c u r a t e r e c o r d s on who went

into the p u ~ l i cf a c i l i t i e s ; how l o n g t h e y s p e n t a t t h e u r i n a l s o r i n

t h e c u b i c a l s ; whether t h e y wrote graffiti on the walls; how much
toilet paper was consumed during each occurrence; whether they
f l u s h e d , and i f s o how many t i m e s ; and when p o s s i b l e , i n f o r m a t i o n on

whether t h e y wiped themselves from t h e f r o n t t o t h e back, o r t h e back

1;
t o t r o n t , and s o on.
His t r i e n d had complied quite a b i t . of data complete w i t h
drawings on the subject of r e s t r o o m a c t i v i t y , and had s u b m i t t e d h i s . ~

proposal t o the National Institute for Mental HeaLCh f o r a research

grant. U n f o r t u n a t e l y , t h e c r o s s c u l t u r a l s t u d y on t o i l e t b e h a v i o r was

n o t approved d u e t o c u t backs i n government funding.

"I w o u l d n ' t mind l i v i n g i n t h i s town," I said t o Carlos a f t e r I
came o u t ot the restroom and we were walking toward a s m a l l park.
"hiverything i s s o l u s h and c l e a n . "

"Back t h e r e i n S a n t a Ana, I got the impression t h a t you d i d n ' t

l i k e ~ e x i c o , "C a r l o s s a i d s t o p p i n g t o t i e h i s shoe.
"That's because I thought I was e a t i n g dog meat. T h i s is a

, . . ... b e a u t i f u l p l a c e . Where do t h e p e o p l e work?"

 ' I n the f i e l d s , or in the mines i n the h i l l s , o r i n construc-
t i o n , " Carlos s a i d .

While driving into town, I had seen plenty of e v i d e n c e of

c o n s t r u c t i o n work. Everywhere p e o p l e were building o r refurbishing
buildings. It was obvious that there was no s h o r t a g e of masons,
c a r p e n t e r s and p l a s t e r e r s h e r e . Near t h e p a r k , workers were d i g g i n g a

huge p i t perhaps t o l a y new p i p e s o r t o r e p a i r an o l d sewage system.

' I used t o work i n c o n s t r u c t i o n , " I s a i d w i t h a t o u c h of p r i d e .

C a r l o s Looked a t m e s u r p r i s e d .

Y o u d o n ' t seem l i k e t h e redneck t y p e , " he s a i d l a u g h i n g .

I worked t o r one, t h o u g h t , a s an a p p r e n t i c e , a l t h o u g h I knew a '

l o t more about c a r p e n t r y t h a n he a p p a r e n t l y d i d . Lemont was working on

a remodeling p r o j e c t and h i r e d me t o be h i s a s s i s t a n t , p r o v i d e d t h a t I
d i d n ' t complain about h i s radio t h a t he k e p t on f u l l b l a s t on t h e
countxy music s t a t i o n , and h i s t o u t language, a h a b i t he had picked up

i n V i e t Nam."
"rihat t y p e of t h i n g s d i d you b u i l d ? "
"Uur t i r s t p r o j e c t was a redwood deck, u s i n g no n a i l s w n a t s o e v e r ,

only nuts and b o l t s . Quite a challenge. You s e e , he w a s a Buddhist.

from a commune i n Oregon and he was convinced t h a c t o u s e n a i l s would
desecrate the wood. I really needed t h e money, s o I t o l e r a t e d h i s

e c c e n t r i c i t i e s , t h e loud r a d i o , h i s beer g u z z l i n g , h i s p r o f a n i t y , and

h i s body odor. Whenever I wanted t o q u i t e , he k e p t t e l l i n g me t h a t I

was working w i t h a m a s t e r c a r p e n t e r who had no p e e r s i n t h e construc-

t i o n world. And t h a t I should be paying him t o r h i s guidance."

"Sounds l i k e q u i t e a c h a r a c t e r , " C a r l o s s a i d .
 "He was. Atter weeks he s t i l l d i d n ' t t r u s t me t o u s e h i s power
t o o l s whlch he d u s t e d and o i l e d every night. I realized it was a
s i t u a t i o n o t o b s e r v i n g , h a u l i n g lumber, and sweeping up sawdust."
"That d o e s n ' t sound t o o e x c i t i n g , " Carlos s a i d .

"It wasn't. Lemont had promised me hands on e x p e r i e n c e but t h e

o n l y a c t u a l hands on e x p e r i e n c e 1 e v e r r e c e i v e d throughout t h e e n t i r e

p r o j e c t were h i s prods and p i n c h e s t o v a r i o u s p a r t s o t my anatomy. I

was s o d e s p e r a t e , I developed a severe allergy t o sawdust and began
having t i t s o t s n e e z i n g . I w a s going t o hang i n t h e r e t o r t h e r e s t o t
t h e summer, but t h e s i t u a t i o n went trom bad t o worse."

"What happened?" C a r l o s asked concerned.

' H e kept i n s i s t i n g I come t o h i s house to see t h e new k i t c h e n

cabinets he had installed, and share a j o i n t o t m a r i j u a n a while^

;1
l i s t e n i n g t o some W i l l i e Nelson t a p e s . Well, I knew what t h a t meant

and r e a l i z e d the situation had become hopeless. I q u i t and w i t h t h e

money I had s a v e d , I e n t e r e d t h e U n i v e r s i t y , where t h i n g s weren't a i l

t h a t much b e t t e r where men were concerned. I t you know what I mean."

C a r l o s d i d n ' t r e p l y one way o r t h e o t h e r .

'Lees look into some o t t h e s h o p s , " Carlos s u g g e s t e d s t e p p i n g

a s i d e t o avoid a h o l e i n t h e ground. "Do you need t o buy any g i f t s t o r

friends or relatives?"

' I d o n ' t have any."

"Friends o r r e l a t i v e s ? " Carlos inquired.

'Neither. "
He looked a t me and shook h i s head. rie sang t h e l i n e o t a Mexican
song. "NO tengo n i madre n i p a d r e , n i un p e r r o que l a d r e . I have no
mother o r r a t h e r , n o t even a dog t h a t b a r k s . ' "
 "That about sums up my s i t u a t i o n , " I s a i d .
' I d o n ' t have any p a r e n t s e i t h e r , " C a r l o s s a i d . "And I ' v e l e a r n e d

t h a t t o have f r i e n d s i s t o o r e s t r i c t i n g . You always end up t r y i n g t o

please them or to i-ultil their e x p e c t a t i o n s . They p i n you down.
You're l u c k y t o be an orphan."
I w a s n ' t an orphan, but I d i d n o t b o t h e r t o c o r r e c t C a r l o s ' t a l s e

impression. I r e a l i z e d t h a t I wanted him t o t h i n k I had no one i n t h e

world. I t made me a p p e a r independent and mysterious. B e s i d e s , I had

never t e l t I was a p a r t o t my t a m i l y anyway. A s a c h i l d I had always

imagined t h a t I was a c h a n g e l i n g . A n u r s e must have g o t t e n me mixed

up i n the hospital w i t h t h e hundreds o t o t h e r b a b i e s o t t h e p o s t war

baby boom. A t l e a s t t h a t was what I used t o t e l l m y s e l t .

We e n t e r e d one of t h e shops that lined the arcade around t h e

i
plaza. It had t h e t y p i c a l ceramic and l e a t h e r goods you would f i n d
i n any shop i n Mexico, but i n one corner, half hidden by a postcard

r a c k , I found a t h i c k wool poncho w i t h braided f r i n g e . I wanted t o buy

i t but C a r i o s i n s i s t e d on paying t o r i t h i m s e l t . He s a i d c h a t i t was a

good i d e a t o g e t i t because even though t h e days were h o t , t h e n i g h t s

i n Sonora were c o o l .
A t t e r some c a s u a l browsing, we headed f o r t h e bakery t h a t C a r l o s

a t t i r m e d was t h e b e s t i n Sonora.
"YOU mean y o u ' v e sampled bread from a l l of them?" I t e a s e d .

"t'ractically," he s a i d . But trom h i s l e a n , muscular p h y s i q u e , i t

was hard t o b e l i e v e t h a t he had o v e r indulged i n baked goods.

On o u r way t o t h e bakery, we had t o detour around a n o t h e r deep

p i t in road t h a t s p r a n g i n f r o n t o t us s o suddenly t h a t I n e a r l y f e l l
I
i n had C a r l o s n o t grabbed me by t h e arm and p u l l e d me a s i d e .

Â¥ 5
 "We a l m o s t l o s t you, t h e r e , " he laughed. "This i s n ' t Los Angeles
where there are sidewalks and where t h e c a r s w i l l s t o p f o r dazed
p e d e s t r i a n s . Around h e r e you have t o watch were y o u ' r e going."

I H u s h e d w i t h embarrassment a s I realized chat w i t h my m a r t i a l

a r t s and s o r c e r y t r a i n i n g , I was s t i l l a w a l k i n g zombie. I seemed t o

o p e r a t e on t h e assumption t h a t whoever I was w i t h knew where t h e y were

g o i n g , and t h e r e t o r e I d i d n ' t have t o pay a t t e n t i o n . I t was a l s o t r u e

w h i l e d r i v i n g . I t r u s t e d my companions i m p l i c i t l y and n e v e r knew how I'

got wherever I ended up. This was p a r t i c u l a r i t y t r u e when t h a t

companion was male. U n w i t t i n g l y , i t was a s u b t l e way of r e l i n q u i s h i n g

control t o t h e o p p o s i t e s e x I knew i t was a dangerous way of proceed-
i n g . I remembered C l a r a ' s warning t h a t i n t h e s o r c e r e r s w o r l d , every-'
t h i n g was i m p o r t a n t and t h a t I always had t o be a t t e n t i v e t o d e t a i l s
and assume r e s p o n s i b i l i t y t o r my a c t i o n s .
I kept my eyes downcast and avoided t h e p i t s and ruts i n the
road. I n o t i c e d t h a t C a r l o s was e x c e e d i n g l y f l e e t t o o t e d . He had an

e x q u i s i t e n a t u r a l balance and a prowess t h a t gave him an easy s t r i d e .

For a w h i l e , I t r i e d t o i m i t a t e h i s s t y l e o t walking. Whereas I moved
trom t h e h i p s w i t h l i t t l e f l e x i b i l i t y i n my knees and ankles, Carlos

tlexed his knees and ankles and rolled o f t the balls o t h i s t e e t

a c h i e v i n g a smooth t e l i n e s p r i n t . Copying his stride, I deliberately
t l e x e d my knees and s h i t t e d my w e i g h t more toward t h e f r o n t o t my
t e e t , r a t h e r t h a n l a n d i n g heavy on my h e e l s t h e way I normally walked.
After a w h i l e , my c a l v e s began t o ache. I t e l t I was u s i n g them f o r

t h e f i r s t t i m e i n months.
The l a s t time I had pushed them to the limit was when I was

walking w i t h C l a r a i n t h e h i l l s n e a r h e r house. I could n e v e r keep up

w i t h h e r p a c e , but walking w i t h h e r had r i d me, a t l e a s t temporarily,
of the "doctor's shuttle" as Clara had c a l l e d my way of walking.
D o c t o r s , s h e had i n s i s t e d had a distinctive shuffle, moving from t h e
hips, as t h e y s a u n t e r e d from t h e i r c o n s u l t a t i o n rooms t o t h e examina-
t i o n room, o r down t h e c o r r i d o r s of h o s p i t a l s , which C l a r a claimed was

t h e most t h e y e v e r walk i n t h e i r l i v e s .
"They a l l have bad knees," she s a i d expounding on h e r genera-

l i z a t i o n . I t was n o t something I was prepared t o d i s p u t e , t o r I had t o

agree t h a t t h e tew d o c t o r s I had come i n t o c o n t a c t w i t h , i n c l u d i n g my
own t a m i l y p h y s i c i a n , t e l l i n t o her category of shuttling a s they

walked.
I was aware t h a t having been away from C l a r a ' s i n f l u e n c e , I had

again lapsed into my old habits, including my lazy hip walking

p a t t e r n , s h u t t l i n g a l o n g a s i t my l i s t l e s s l e g s r e s e n t e d t h e burden of
having t o c a r r y my body t o a p l a c e n e i t h e r t h e y n o r I wanted t o go.
" t h a t ' s t h e m a t t e r w i t h your walk?" C a r l o s asked concerned. "Did
you i n j u r e your a n k l e back t h e r e on t h e road?"

I realized t h a t t r y i n g t o i m i t a t e h i s s p r i n t , had made my s t r i d e

appear awkward and uneven. Une o t my l e g s was a c t u a l l y d r a g g i n g behind
t h e o t h e r i n a n a t t e m p t t o keep up w i t h my head and s h o u l d e r s .

' S i t here w h i l e I go g e t t h e b r e a d , " he s a i d p o i n t i n g a t a n i r o n

bench a c r o s s trom t h e gazebo.
" I ' l l go w i t h you," I o t t e r e d .

"No," he s a i d t i r m l y . I had t h e d i s t i n c t t e e l i n g he d i d n ' t want

t o be s e e n i n my company.

Obediently, I s a t on t h e bench and watched him e n t e r t h e s t o r e

marked, panaderia across the street. Through the glass window, I

'37
could see him talking to a beautiful woman perhaps i n h e r l a t e
t w e n t i e s whom I assumed was a customer. She was e l e g a n t l y d r e s s e d , i n
a tashionable lime green Di0uSe and beige s k i r t , n o t a w h i t e uniform
one would e x p e c t a bakery a t t e n d a n t t o be wearing. I could s e e her

a t t i r e , because I had moved c l o s e r t o the door and a c t u a l l y peeked

through t h e window.
Then I saw C a r l o s hugging h e r in a most a f f e c t i o n a t e manner a s

s h e gave him t h e bag of bread he had come f o r . Then s h e t u r n e d t o

l o o k a t me and b e t o r e I could h i d e , s h e winked a t me as it s h e knew

me. I rushed back t o t h e bench i n t h e n i c k o t t i m e , and pretended t o

by t y i n g my s h o e l a c e s . But a s I peeked up I c o u l d see the woman had

accompanied him t o t h e door and was waving goodbye t o C a r l o s and t h e n

t o me a c r o s s t h e r o a d .
A s t r a n g e anger possessed me. I was fuming. What was going on?
How 1s it t h a t p e o p l e seem t o know me when I d o n ' t remember them? I t
c o u l d n ' t j u s t be c o i n c i d e n c e , t h a t witch-women in the r e s t a u r a n t and
now t h i s oeauty i n t h e bakery. I t e l t t h a t t h e r e was a c o n s p i r a c y
going on and t h a t I was somehow a t t h e c e n t e r o t it.
I remembered how C l a r a and M r . Abelar had t r i c k e d me i n t h e p a s t .

Yhey had been t o i l o w i n g my movements from way back, and when I thought
I met them t o r t h e t i r s t t i m e , t h e y a l r e a d y knew me i n t i m a t e l y . The

same t h i n g was happening now. And it a l l began i n t h e Anthropology

department when I s u s p e c t e d t h a t I had met C a r l o s b e t o r e . I must have
met him before because otherwise why would I be having a f i t of
j e a l o u s y now, a s i t he belonged t o me from o l d e n t i m e s ?
I t r i e d t e l l i n g myselr t h a t t h e woman was n o doubt only a casual
a c q u a i n t a n c e of h i s and had hugged him o n l y because p e o p l e s o u t h o t

M
t h e b o r d e r a r e more demonstrative than in the United S t a t e s . Yet I

c o u l d n ' t h e l p t h i n k i n g t h a t t h e woman w a s n ' t Mexican a t a l l , o n l y v e r y

d e e p l y tanned. I wondered who t h a t gorgeous woman was and why C a r l o s
d i d n ' t want me t o go w i t h h i m i n t o t h e bakery, and why s h e had waved
a t me.

" L e t ' s move t o a n o t h e r b e n c h , " C a r l o s said. " I t ' s s h a d i e r over

t h e r e by those trees." But I knew t h e r e a l r e a s o n t o r moving was t h a t

he was h i d i n g something. I was d i s t r a u g h t t o r e a l i z e C a r l o s was a man
with many secrets. Not that I d i d n ' t have s e c r e t s m y s e l f , which I

w o u l d n ' t dream o t r e v e a l i n g . Yet I had t h e unreasonable expectation

t h a t o t h e r s had t o be completely candid w i t h me.

We walked to the other side o t t h e p l a z a and s a t down on an

i d e n t i c a l w h i t e wrought i r o n bench, o n l y t h i s one faced t h e o p p o s i t e
direction ot t h e bakery which was completely hidden by t h e t o l i a g e o t
trees.

"Why i s t h a t your tavorite bakery?" I asked trying t o sound

casual.
C a r l o s grinned mischievously. "Because t h e y make such d e l i c i o u s

b r e a d , " he s a i d handing me a round fiat loat sprinkled with pink

s u g a r . "it must be t h e water o r t h e f l o u r they use. Try it and t e l l
me it it i s n ' t so."
I a t t a c k e d t h e bread w i t h a f e r o c i t y t h a t s u r p r i s e d me. But I had

t o admit, i t was delicious. Tne r o l l s were a world a p a r t from t h e

bread i n t h e United S t a t e s . The s u g a r c o a t i n g sweetened my d i s p o s i -
t i o n and I decided n o t t o a s k about t h e bakery o r t h e l o v e l y woman I
w a s n ' t supposed t o have seen. She was one ot those s e c r e t s , I hoped

would be r e v e a l e d i n t i m e .
 C a r l o s took o u t a b o t t l e of m i n e r a l water from t h e s a c k and from
h i s p o c k e t , a s w i s s army k n i f e which had a bottle opener a t t a c h e d t o
i t along with s i x o r seven o t h e r s h a r p implements. He p r i e d o f f t h e
cap and handed i t t o me. I f i n i s h e d t h e bread, t h e n looked inside t h e
bag t o f i n d f o u r more s m a l l round l o a v e s , each w i t h a d i f f e r e n t c o l o r
sugar coating. 1 picked o u t a g r e e n one. I t t a s t e d l i k e t h e pink one;

t h e c o l o r i n g was n o t a d i f f e r e n t f l a v o r i n g but merely food c o l o r .

"rihy d i d you d e c i d e t o become an A n t h r o p o l o g i s t ? " I asked t a k i n g

a s i p of m i n e r a l w a t e r .

"because t h e s t u d y of man i s one o t t h e most i m p o r t a n t endeavors

one can engage in. Especially studying man's b e l i e f s y s t e m s , h i s
cognitive structures, his culture as he lives it. I ' m particularly

i n t e r e s t e d i n a phenomenological approach t o t h e s t u d y man."

"What do you mean by a phenomenological approach?"
' A phenomenological approach t o anthropology o r s o c i o l o g y <would

be t o t a k e a person and l e a v e them h e r e i n Hermosillo t o s e e how t h e y

went about i n t e r p r e t i n g a f o r e i g n c u l t u r e . "

"Are you p l a n n i n g on l e a v i n g me h e r e ? " I asked i n a moment of

panic. "To s e e how I t a r e ? "

C a r l o s laughed. "No. I was referring to an experiment I had

cooked up w i t h a p r o f e s s o r i n t h e s o c i o l o g y department. Not s p e a k i n g

t h e language o r being f a m i l i a r w i t h t h e customs, he was going t o l i v e

here in Hermosillo tor a while. And I would be t h e o b s e r v e r and

g u a r d i a n t o make c e r t a i n t h a t no r e a l harm came t o him. The p r e m i s e

was t h a t a s he went through h i s d a i l y t a s k s of t r y i n g t o a r r a n g e t h e

world i n r e c o g n i z a b l e terms, the taken-for-granted aspects of t h e
 world would, by t h e i r d i s r u p t i o n , r e v e a l themselves. They would make
themselves a v a i l a b l e f o r i n v e s t i g a t i o n . "

" I d o n ' t g e t i t , " I s a i d t a k i n g a n o t h e r b i t e of bread.

" I n every s i m p l e a c t he would have t o find the n a t u r a l order o t
phenomenon that tor him, because he lacked membership, would be

chaotic. I n o r d e r words, he would have t o c r e a t e o r d e r i n h i s day t o

day e x i s t e n c e . This p r o c e s s o t c r e a t i n g o r d e r , would be t h e s u b j e c t

m a t t e r t o r our i n v e s t i g a t i o n . Since t h e professor's i n t e r e s t was t h e
study o t norms and how t h e y are constituted i n our daily lives, I

t h o u g h t i t was a t e r r i t i c p l a n , r i g h t up h i s a l l e y . "
"Did you do i t ? "
'No. We were a l l s e t t o l e a v e f o r Mexico, when he backed o u t a t
t h e L a s t minute."
"Why was t h a t ? "

"He k e p t thinking o t a l l tne contingencies. He was a t r a i d o t

c o n t r a c t i n g some horrendous d i s e a s e , o r of being s h o t o r robbed. A l l
sorts ot p r e j u d i c e s and p e r s o n a l c o n s i d e r a t i o n s came i n t o t h e p i c t u r e

and s o he n e v e r l e f t Los Angeles where he t e l t he was on f a m i l i a r , and

t h e r e f o r e , s a t e ground."

" I t would have been a g r e a t s t u d y , " I s a i d , t h e n I had a f r i g h t -

e n i n g t h o u g h t . "Are you s u r e I ' m n o t t h e g u i n e a p i g t h i s t i m e ? "

C a r l o s leaned over. "We're all guinea pigs in the hands o t

power," he whispered. ,

J u s t then a crow perched on t o p o t t h e gazebo, s t a r t e d cawing.

C a r l o s g e s t u r e d t o i t w i t h a nod. "A r e a t t i r m a t i o n , " he s a i d .
"I s t i l l d o n ' t s e e how t h a t t i e s i n w i t h phenomenology?" I said
1
-
g e t t i n g back t o t h e d i s c u s s i o n a t hand.

b1
 "Phenomenology t a k e s the t a c i t t a i t h we have i n t h e r e a l i t y o t
o u r everyday world and makes t h i s t h e p r i n c i p l e s u b j e c t t o r i n v e s t i g a -
t i o n , " Carlos explained.

" E x a c t l y what t a c i t t a i t h a r e you r e f e r r i n g t o ? " I asked.

C a r l o s thought t o r a moment a s i t t o f i n d t h e r i g h t words.
' F o r example, our assumption t h a t t h e world i s s h a r e d , ' t h a t i t i s

t h e same world t o r a l l normal individuals. Also, t h a t there i s a

temporal and s p a c i a l c o n t i n u i t y t o t h i n g s . "

"Isn't that true?"

"Not n e c e s s a r i l y . Sorcerers Like don J u a n d o n ' t s e e t h e world

t h e same way you or I do. Their training and membership in the

sorcerer's tradition enables them to see the world i n entirely

d i f f e r e n t terms. Phenomenology questions the assumption that the

world is i n t e r s u b j e c t ~ v e l y shared by members. U r r a t h e r makes t h a t
sharing the subject matter ot i t s investigation. I t a l s o questions

t h e a p r i o r i t h a t what we c a l l r e a l i t y has a n a t u r a l h i s t o r y , a c a s u a l
b a s i s which allows u s t o r e a s o n a b l y expect t h e world t o continue i n

t h e f u t u r e i n much t h e same way i t has i n t h e p a s t . "

"Are you s a y i n g t h e world w o n ' t c o n t i n u e i n t h e t u t u r e as i t has
in the past?"
"We d o n ' t know, but t h e t a c t t h a t we assume t h a t i t does i s prime

matter t o r phenomenological i n v e s t i g a t i o n . These a r e p r e s u p p o s i t i o n s

t h a t cannot be a c c e p t e d o u t r i g h t , b u t need t o be t h e t o c u s o t i n v e s t i -
gation. "

C a r l o s t a l k e d about h i s i n t e r e s t i n H u s s e r l and Heidegger and t h e

French phenomenologist, Maurice Merleau-fonti.
 I t o l d him about a sociology class I had taken taught by a
professor in t h e Sociology d e p a r t m e n t , who had devised a method t o r
studying s o c i a l interaction using a phenomenological approach. He

called his d e v i a n t approach t o s t u d y s o c i a l interaction,"ethnometho-

dology. "

"That was t h e p r o f e s s o r I was going t o take t o Mexico," C a r l o s

s a i d . "He t a u g h t a c o u r s e c a l l e d t h e s t u d y of Deviant Behavior."

' T h a t ' s the one," I agreed. "Small world. I was g o i n g t o be h i s

d i s c i p l e . ' He had a f l o c k o t s t u d e n t s pending on h i s every word much

a s a Zen m a s t e r h a s s t u d e n t s begging him t o e n l i g h t e n them."
"Did you become enlightened with his method?" C a r l o s asked
teasing.
I shook my head and t o o k a n o t h e r bread from t h e bag. "For a w h i l e
. . ,, I was r e a l l y impressed w i t h what he had t o say ," I a d m i t t e d . "I even
became h i s r e s e a r c h a s s i s t a n t w i t h o u t pay just so I could study h i s
methods. I went to his ottice on s a t u r d a y s t o a s s i s t him on a

project. He was s t u d y i n g t h e n a t u r a l flow of c o n v e r s a t i o n and had a

t h e o r y t h a t t h e squeaks o t g u i n e a p i g s were n o t random but a p a r t of a

complex system o t coded communication. He had r e e l s of t a p e r e c o r d i n g s

ot guinea pig squeaks that he wanted me t o decode and a n a l y z e

a c c o r d i n g t o h i s t h e o r e t i c a l system."
"What happened?" he asked. "Did you discover a consistent

patten?"
"I never stuck around long enough t o f i n d o u t , " I s a i d . "One
S a t u r d a y t h e p r o f e s s o r came i n t o t h e o f f i c e where I was t r a n s c r i b i n g a
tape o t squeaks, and s t o o d behind me f o r a w h i l e making me b e l i e v e he
wanted t o r e a d o v e r my s h o u l d e r , t o see it a p a t t e r n was emerging.
Then I t e l t him lean closer and s t a r t t o blow i n my h a i r . When I
moved, he s a t down n e x t t o me and p u t a long arm around my s h o u l d e r ,
p u l l e d me t o him and t r i e d t o k i s s me. The o l d g e e z e r had t h e g a l l t o

s a y he was c e r t a i n I was interested in having an affair w i t h him

because I had come on s a t u r d a y t o work when no one i n t h e i r r i g h t mind

works on s a t u r d a y s . But what cinched i t t o r him was t h a t I had t o l d

him I d i d n ' t e x p e c t t o be paid t o r my work. Well, I o n l y came because

I g e n u i n e l y thought he needed h e l p and because I t h o u g h t I c o u l d l e a r n

something from h i s methods. You s e e , I was having a romance w i t h know-

l e d g e , but i t was completely miss i n t e r p r e t e d . "

"What happened?" C a r l o s asked e x p e c t a n t l y .
' I shoved t h e heavy t a p e r e c o r d i n g equipment o t t the table right

into his lap. I was s u r e I crushed h i s guinea pig. You should have
heard t h e squeals 1 "
C a r l o s looked a t me c u r i o u s l y a s i f he d i d n ' t know what t o t h i n k .

' I r a n o u t o t t h e o f f i c e and t h a t was my l a s t e n c o u n t e r with t h e

professors ot deviant behavior and with his deviant methods o t
sociology ."
"Well, t h e r e is a lot to be said for t h e phenomenological
method," C a r l o s c o n t i n u e d , " a l l d e v i a n t p r o f e s s o r s a s i d e . "
As he talked, I n e r v o u s l y munch on bread t r y i n g n o t t o drop t o o

many crumbs on t h e ground. For whenever crumbs fell, a h o s t oÂ

greedy little black birds with yellow eyes and l o n g t a i l t e a c h e r s
r u s h e d t o gobble them up. Carlos' elucidation d i d seemed t o have-an

immediate t r u t h t o it. As t a r as I could t e l l , experiencing things

d i r e c t l y , without t h e intervention o t i d e a l i t i e s , was what C l a r a and

rtr. Abelar had meant when they s a i d t h a t t h e e n e r g e t i c body o r double

b4
 could experience realities directly which our reason could n e v e r
comprehend.
"Take c o n t i n u i t y o t perception, f o r example," C a r l o s continued.

"According t o phenomenologists, t h e r e is a continuity t o perception,

but it isn't a given. Perception i t s e l f i s r e l a t e d only t o the

present. But t h i s p r e s e n t i s always s e e n i n terms of having a past

behind i t and an open ended f u t u r e b e f o r e i t . "

' I t h i n k I need a c o n c r e t e example h e r e , " I s a i d t r y i n g t o f o l l o w

h i s explanation. ,
C a r l o s p o i n t e d t o t h e f l o w e r i n g J a c a r a n d a t r e e a c r o s s t h e walkway
n e a r t h e gazebo.
"Take t h a t t r e e over t h e r e , " he s a i d . "You see t h a t t r e e only
h e r e and now, but i n s e e i n g i t , you a r e already presupposing t h a t it
. ,
.
>)
, w a s there yesterday i n t h e same s p o t , and w h a t ' s more, t h a t i t w i l l
c o n t i n u e t o be t h e r e tomorrow even when we a r e no l o n g e r s i t t i n g on
t h i s bench o b s e r v i n g i t . "
I had t o agree. That t r e e looked l i k e i t had been t h e r e q u i t e a
while. I n f a c t , t h e blossoms on t h e ground, proved i t was t h e r e b e f o r e

we had s a t down on t h e bench.

h he flowers on the ground," C a r l o s s a i d n o t i c i n g my g l a n c e ,

" a t t e s t t o t h e f a c t t h a t t h e y were shed p r i o r t o u s s i t t i n g down h e r e

on t h e bench s i n c e we d i d n ' t s e e any o t them t a l l . Your mind t e l l s

you t h a t t h a t t r e e has a h i s t o r y , even though you and I h a v e n ' t been

h e r e long enough t o p e r c e i v e i t d i r e c t l y . "

' I know chat t r e e has a history," I agreed. "1c d i d n ' t j u s t
m a t e r i a l i z e i n t r o n t of o u r eyes t h i s i n s t a n t . "
,
 " E x a c t l y . But how do you know t h a t . How can you be s o c e r t a i n .
That i s t h e prime m a t e r i a l t o r phenomenological i n v e s t i g a t i o n . that's
more, I know t h a t you know t h a t I am p e r c e i v i n g t h e same t r e e you a r e

and that we are having an intersubjective agreement a s t o what

c o n s t i t u t e s r e a l i t y . But can we r e a l l y oe c e r t a i n t h a t we are seeing

the same things? A phenomenological approach would q u e s t i o n t h a t

i n t e r s u b j e c t i v e agrernent t o o , o r at least, take such an a priori

assumption i n t o c o n s i d e r a t i o n i n any d i s c u s s i o n . "
My mind was r e e l i n g t r y i n g t o imagine what t h e phenomenologists

were up t o . To me t h e y were a kind o t u r b a n s o r c e r e r s , w h i t e magicians

playing w i t h mind and p e r c e p t i o n , much a s t h e C l a r a and h e r group of
s o r c e r e r s i n Mexico had done w h i l e I was l i v i n g among them. Only, t o

the phenomenologists, i t seemed more o t an i n t e l l e c t u a l game. They

lacked t h e a c t u a l e n e r g e t i c f o r c e t o make t h e J a c a r a n d a t r e e d i s a p p e a r
in front ot one's eyes upon realizing t h a t i t s p r e s e n c e i s mere

interpretation.
L'lelida, E m i l i t o and M r . A b e l a r , on t h e o t h e r hand, had t h e energy
t o make strange unexplainable t h i n g s happen by m a n i p u l a t i n g p e r c e p -
t i o n . While 1 was living in C l a r a ' s house, t h i n g s kept disappearing
and t h e n I would t i n d them weeks l a t e r i n t h e same p l a c e s I must have

looked a hundred times. What's more, f e a t u r e s o t h e r house would s h i t t

depending on my v a n t a g e point. I could never e x p l a i n t h e s e occur-

r e n c e s and C l a r a had t o l d me n o t t o even t r y .
I t seemed very e x i s t e n t i a l s i t t i n g on a park bench i n a Mexican

town, d i s c u s s i n g t h e philosophy o t Husserl, e a t i n g d e l i c i o u s bread.

But somehow my mind kept flashing back t o d i f f e r e n t q u e s t i o n s . Not
p h i l o s o p h i c a l ones o t whether or not t h e t r e e i n t h e park e x i s t s i n

bb
 i t ' s own right or because we a r e perceiving it v i a a power c a l l e d
intentionality. Such talk seemed to me t i l l e d w i t h o v e r t o n e s o t
Thomas Aquinas t r y i n g t o f i g u r e o u t how many a n g e l s can dance on t h e
head of a pin. I had had enough o t t h a t kind o t t a l k from t h e J e s u i t
p r i e s t s a t t h e s c h o o l s I had a t t e n d e d .

I wanted t o know more a b o u t don J u a n , C a r l o s ' informant. S i n c e he

was a l s o a sorcerer, p e r h a p s he knew John Michael Abelar o r of him.

Then t h e thought s t r u c k me t h a t perhaps he -
was M r . A b e l a r ; t h a t he and

don Juan might be t h e same p e r s o n . I w o u l d n ' t p u t a n y t h i n g passed t h e

sorcerers. I knew t h e y e x i s t i n g on a d i f f e r e n t p e r c e p t u a l p l a n e , one
I was b a r r e d from by my l a c k of energy and u n d e r s t a n d i n g . Perhaps,
t h e y were a l l t h e r e i n t h e p a r k w i t h us and I was i n c a p a b l e of s e e i n g

them because I did not have t h e means t o r i n t e r p r e t i n g t h e i r per-

. . ceptual reality. Perhaps t h e s o r c e r e r s , u n l i k e t h e t r e e i n t h e park,

had no taken t o r granted h i s t o r y o r f u t u r e . Perhaps t h e y l a c k e d t h e
t e m p o r a l i t y and s p a c i a i i t y o t t h i n g s , s o , t h e r e f o r e , t h e y d i d n ' t e x i s t
t o r u s t h e way ' t h i n g s ' i n t h e world e x i s t e d .
"Only an i n t e n t i o n a l .a n a l y s i s of t h e present, o i perception i n

and of i t s e l f a s making something present," Carlos continued, " w i l l

give us an i n k l i n g of how we c o n s t r u c t t h e world around us. H u s s e r l

c a l l e d t h a t l i v i n g space, t h e ' l i f e world', meaning life as it is

l i v e d i n t h e present."
' I think I f o l l o w you," I s a i d t e n t a t i v e l y wiping t h e crumbs o f f
my f i n g e r s . "But I need a n o t h e r example."

"Take t h a t o t h e r t r e e , " C a r l o s said, this time pointing to a

b e a u t i f u l magnolia dotted w i t h white flowers. "'l'he t r e e g i v e s i t s e l f
t o us as there, as f u l l y p r e s e n t . Although 1 only see it from t h e

67
front, I know t h a t i t has a back and s i d e s even though I d o n ' t s e e
them. So b e s i d e s knowing t h a t i t has been t h e r e y e s t e r d a y , as well as

t h a t it w i l l be t h e r e tomorrow. I a l s o know t h a t i t has s i d e s and a

back and an i n s i d e and long r o o t s under t h e ground even thought I

d o n ' t immediately s e e them. T h a t ' s what H u s s e r l means by "spatiality"

being b u i l t i n t o p e r c e p t i o n . We assume the tree is there in a l l i t s

fullness. "

" T r u e , " I agreed. " I t ' s n o t j u s t a t l a t t a c a d e . I s e e a complete

tree. "

'Hut t h a t v e r y completeness i s an accomplishment, a n a c t i v i t y ,

r a t h e r than a g i v e n , " ' Carlos explained. "In the t r e e ' s presence, in

t h e v e r y f a c t t h a t we s e e i t a s a t r e e h e r e and now, l i e s a c o n t i n u i t y
o t what we a r e s t i l l conscious o t , what had flowed away and what i s no
l o n g e r i n t u i t e d a t a l l . The t r e e h a s a c o n t i n u i t y o t p a s t and f u t u r e ,

resulting from the memory of the tree we saw y e s t e r d a y , and t h e

e x p e c t a t i o n s we have t h a t i t will be there tomorrow. The t r e e ' s

c o n t i n u i t y is put t h e r e v i a o u r c a p a c i t y f o r i n t e n t i o n a l i t y . We know
it w i l l be t h e same t r e e tomorrow a s it is today. And i t has s p a c i -

ality, which allows us to see a f r o n t and a back and i n t u i t i t s

fullness. "

I took a s i p o t m i n e r a l w a t e r . T a l k i n g about phenomenology, made

me q u e s t i o n perception. I had t h e c e r t a i n t y t h a t i t I gazed a t t h a t

t r e e long enough, and i t o n l y I had enough s o r c e r e r ' s e n e r g y , I could

make i t d i s a p p e a r , s i n c e i t r e a l l y d i d n ' t have a p a s t o r t u t u r e , back

o r bottom o t h e r t h a n t h e one i n c o r p o r a t e d i n o u r i n t e r p r e t a t i o n of i t .
The t r e e w a s n ' t t h e r e t h e way I saw i t a t a l l . P e r c e p t i o n l i n k e d w i t h

68
mind, o r what Brentano c a l l e d , i n t e n t i o n a l i t y , was p l a y i n g a gigantic
t r i c k on t h e p e r c e i v e r .
I t e l t I wanted t o g e t t o t h e bottom o t t h i s c h a r a d e once and t o r

all. I was t i r e d o t being f o o l e d by one p a r t i c u l a r mode of p e r c e i v i n g

t h a t had been f o r c e d upon me by v i r t u e o t t h e f a c t t h a t I had been

born i n t o a p a r t i c u l a r ' l i f e world' o r being-in-the-world, a s Husserl

c a l l e d it. I wanted more t h a n a n y t h i n g t o s e e t h e t r e e s t h e way I had

seen them under t h e guidance o t E m i l i t o , when I had climbed them, f e l t

their roots, gazed at their leaves, talked t o them, loved them,

understood them. b u t now a l l t h a t was gone a s i t t h e g i a n t eye of t h a t

reality had closed and sealed that world from view, l e a v i n g me

s t r a n d e d on t h e wrong s i d e of t h e door. I f only C a r l o s could h e l p me
cross over t o t h e o t h e r s i d e !
T o understand sorcery, i s t o expand o n e ' s c a p a c i t y of percep-
tion," Mr. Abelar had once t o l d me. " S o r c e r e r s , through t h e recap-
itulation and other practices, store enough energy t o break t h e
r e f l e x c i v i t y of s p a c e and time. Their practices are deliberately
geared towards d i s r u p t i n g t h e world a s we l i v e i t . "

Now C a r l o s was s a y i n g t h e same t h i n g , and I knew t h e r e must be a n

inherent t r u t h t o it. "A s o r c e r e r would look a t that t r e e and n o t

consider its 'thereness' as a g i v e n , " Carlos c o n t i n u e d . " S o r c e r e r s

a c c o r d i n g t o don Juan t r y t o break t h e mold of p e r c e p t i o n i n t o which

we were born."
"Do you t h i n k i t ' s r e a l l y p o s s i b l e t o do t h a t ? " I asked. " I mean

break o u t of t h e mold o t p e r c e i v i n g t h e world a s we know i t . "

?
,
'Of c o u r s e . ~ c c o r d i n t~o Husserl, all perceptual a c t s point
toward o r i n t e n d , some o b j e c t , " Carlos explained. " I n o t h e r words,
a i l seeing is seeing something, a l l t h i n k i n g i s t h i n k i n g something.
All perception is perception o t something. And p e r c e p t i o n p r o j e c t s

i t s e l f toward i t s i n t e n d e d o b j e c t which i s not a thing, o r a given,

but an a c t of c r e a t i o n . And a s an a c t of c r e a t i o n , i t can be r e c r e a t -

e d , o r a l t e r e d t o t i t a d i f f e r e n t mold."
I get it. You're s a y i n g t h a t a s long a s we s e e perception as a

g i v e n , we a r e s t u c k , f o r e v e r imprisoned. But i f we r e a l i z e t h a t i t i s
o n l y phenomenon t o be i n v e s t i g a t e d , t h e n d i f f e r e n t ways, or alterna-

t i v e s t o p e r c e p t i o n open up."
"That's right," Carlos said. "And who knows what l i e s i n t h e
realm of p o s s i b i l i t i e s a v a i l a b l e t o man a s a s e n t i e n t being.

' T h e s o r c e r e r s ' p a t h i s t o break t h e boundaries o f s o c i a l percep-

t i o n ,". .Carlos said. "And I s a y s o c i a l p e r c e p t i o n , n o t human p e r c e p -
t i o n . Because a s o r c e r e r . i s a b l e t o p e r c e i v e worlds n o t open t o us as
socialized beings. Nevertheless, open as p o s s i b i l i t i e s a s s e n t i e n t
beings who have g i v e n up t h e i r s o c i a l i n t e r p r e t a t i o n s o t t h e world a s

they l i v e it."
How d i d you get interested i n studying p e r c e p t i o n ? " I asked

Car 10s.
He was s i l e n t f o r a moment. I t was a s i l e n c e s t e e p e d i n thought
r a t h e r t h a n one born o u t o t having r u n o u t of t h i n g s t o say.
After a w h i l e he s a i d , " I t was my good f o r t u n e t o meet a man who
i n my mind, i s t h e most p r e c i s e and remarkable p e r s o n I ' v e e v e r know.

He has t a k e n me as h i s a p p r e n t i c e and is teaching me t o break t h e

boundaries of p e r c e p t i o n . You s e e , you were r i g h t when you said in
the office ot the Anthropology department, that a l l this that is
b e t o r e u s , c o u l d n o t p o s s i b l y be a l l t h e r e i s t o t h e world."

10
 He swept h i s hands i n a graceful movement in tront ot us t o
include the t r e e s , the cars, the boy on h i s b i c y c l e and t h e people
s t r o l l i n g around t h e p l a z a . "There is a way to break through t h e
barriers set up by language and thought, and p e r c e i v e phenomena
d i r e c t l y . That i s what phenomenologists t a l k a b o u t ; and t h a t i s what
s o r c e r e r s a c t u a l l y do."
1 looked a t Carlos. I knew why l i m i l i t o had i n s i s t e d I a t t e n d t h e

university. Not only s o o u r p a t h s would c r o s s , but t h a t I would have

the capacity t o c o n c e p t u a l i z e and s h a r e t h e new n a g u a l ' s p r e d i l e c t i o n
t o r the abstract.

C a r l o s t u r n e d t o look a t me and our e y e s r i x e d f o r an indescrib-

able instant in which my entire t u t u r e was summed up and my p a s t
rushed t o meet t h e p r e s e n t . 1 c o u l d n ' t p u t i t i n t o words, but i n t h a t

moment, no one e l s e in the world e x i s t e d . And j u s t a s p e o p l e had

t h e i r own s h a r e d agreements, we h e l d a moment o t agreement, too, a
s i l e n t i n t e r S ~ b j e ~ t i ~ i tt oy ,which no one e l s e was p r i v y . I l e t out a

s i g h o t r e l i e f t h a t seemed t o have been trapped inside me f o r e o n s ,

tor 1 knew beyond a doubt t h a t t h i s was t h e new n a g u a l . F a t e had
j o i n e d our p a t h s , and torevermore we would journey t o g e t h e r .
" I t y o u ' r e game," C a r l o s s a i d b r e a k i n g t h e s i l e n c e . "We can b l a s t

through t h e world o t p e r c e p t i o n . L e t ' s t i n d o u t it t h e r e i s a n y t h i n g

beyond t h i s t h a t we have always t a k e n t o r g r a n t e d . "

He laughed t o r a moment t o Dreak t h e s e r i o u s n e s s , but I knew he
meant what he s a i d , and somewhere i n t h e depth o t s i l e n c e I agreed.
Un t h a t p a r k bench I silently agreed to do whatever it took t o
accompany him t o t h e ends of t h e e a r t h and beyond. I l e a n e d my head
a g a i n s t h i s a s i t t o merge f o r c e s . He reached up and t o u s l e d my h a i r
t h e way Nelida had, and I knew our f a t e s were s e a l e d f o r e v e r .
We g o t up w i t h o u t any spoken words o r p r o m i s e s , t o r none had t o

be made. We both knew a t t h e d e e p e s t l e v e l t h a t something had changed

in the most s u b t l e way. We were n o t t h e same a s when we had s a t down

on t h e bench. We were j o i n e d by a n i n t e n t t h a t d i d n o t stem from t h e

s o c i a l order. I t e x i s t e d p r i o r t o our encounter i n t h e o t t i c e of t h e

Anthropology department, and p r i o r yet, to the vision of a n o t h e r

reality. Something else had set up our appointment on t h i s p a r k

bench, and made p o s s i b l e t h i s j o u r n e y o t power. But what t h a t force
was, we could n o t fathom. For i t o r i g i n a t e d w i t h i n and emerged from
the inconceivable depths ot silence. let. that same f o r c e would
c a t a p u l t us t o freedom.
 The Road t o Guaymas

We d r o v e in silence. I searched my mind f o r something t o s a y ,

but s m a l l t a l k had n e v e r been my s t r o n g p o i n t . Each topic t h a t arose
a s a p o s s i b i l i t y t o r d i s c u s s i o n , I immediately d i s c a r d e d a s e i t h e r t o o

t r i v i a l o r too technical t o r casual conversation. The s t r i n g e n t g a t e -

k e e p e r , lodged somewhere i n t h e back of my mind, kept c e n s o r i n g e v e r y

t o p i c b e f o r e I could b r i n g i t up.
'Who was t h a t b e a u t i f u l woman i n t h e bakery?" I asked o u t of t h e
..
I
8
blue.
"rihat woman?" he r e p l i e d keeping h i s eyes on t h e road. "I d o n ' t

r e c a l l anyone i n p a r t i c u l a r . "
I d i d n ' t know how t o broach t h e s u b j e c t w i t h o u t sounding j e a l o u s

and p o s s e s s i v e s o I l e t it drop. Yet, I c o u l d n ' t g e t t h a t p e r s o n o u t

o t my mind, I was s u r e s h e was n o t Mexican, t o r although her skin

was d a r k , i t was more a t a n t h a n a n a t u r a l pigment. I had n o t been

c l o s e enough t o s e e h e r e y e s , but i f I had, I know t h e y would have
been blue. from h e r d r e s s , I had t h e c e r t a i n t y t h a t s h e was from t h e

United S t a t e s , a n d from h e r manner, I suspected t h a t she and C a r l o s

were more t h a n c a s u a l a c q u a i n t a n c e s .
I laughed a t myself a s I r e a l i z e d t h a t I was a l r e a d y i n competi-
t i o n w i t h a woman I had n o t even met. In spite of t h e r e c a p i t u l a t i o n
1
.... I had done under C l a r a ' s and E m i l i t o ' s guidance, I was s t i l l r e a c t i n g
73
like a woman r a t h e r than i n t h e d i s c i p l i n e d and detached manner of a

sorcerer. C l a r a had warned me t h a t my behavior w i t h r e s p e c t t o men

would a be most d i f f i c u l t p a t t e r n t o break. For c e r t a i n a t t i t u d e s and

expectations were inculcated in girls a t an e a r l y age i n o r d e r t o
f u l f i l l t h e i r s o c i a l and b i o l o g i c a l i m p e r a t i v e s .

"Femaleness ," C l a r a had warned me soon after I had begun my

recapitulation, "includes being jealous, possessive, and t r e a t i n g

o n e ' s man a s it he were a h e l p l e s s dependent c h i l d . It involves t h e

mandate t h a t i f he s t r a y s o r d i g r e s s e s , he w i l l have t o be f o r g i v e n ,
t o r t h a t i s t h e l o t a woman i s expected t o b e a r : s h e must s t a n d by h e r
man under a l l c o n d i t i o n s . "

' I would n e v e r put up w i t h such b e h a v i o r , " I s a i d adamantly.

"You'll be horrified at what you uncover upon examining your

l i f e , " s h e s a i d laughing. " Y o u ' l l p u t up w i t h whatever your mother put
up w i t h . And you y o u r s e l f t o l d me t h a t s h e had t o p u t up w i t h a g r e a t

deal. "

Kemembering C l a r a ' s words, made me r e a l i z e that in s p i t e o t my

p r o f e s s e d change, I was s t i l l l o o k i n g i n t o a m i r r o r i n which my i d e a
of how a woman ought t o behave governed my f e e l i n g s and a c t i o n s .

"How much further t o Guaymas?" I asked emerging from my s e l f -

reflection.

"About an h o u r , " Carlos s a i d .

He, t o o , had been l o s t i n t h o u g h t , a l t h o u g h I was c e r t a i n i t was

n o t a b o u t h i m s e l f ; and having answered my q u e s t i o n he r e t u r n e d t o t h a t
inner s i l e n c e from which I had aroused him. I r e s e n t e d h i s mental

r e t r e a t , y e t I had no qualms in doing the same thing myself. I

realized there existed a l a c k of f a i r n e s s i n my t r e a t m e n t o t o t h e r s .
 I expected o t h e r s t o c a r r y t h e burden of t h e i n t e r a c t i o n , t o e n t e r t a i n
o r i n s t r u c t me, w h i l e I remained t h e p a s s i v e r e c i p i e n t . I t was a mode

of behavior I had l e a r n e d as a c h i l d trom my mother. She had i n g r a i n e d

i n me that a g i r l should speak o n l y when spoken t o , meaning t h a t i n

p o l i t e company, I had t o s i t q u i e t l y and n o t make m y s e l t a nascence by

asking s i l l y questions. I had always wondered why t h a t r u l e d i d n ' t

a p p l y t o my b r o t h e r s , who i n s t e a d of s i t t i n g q u i e t l y , were rowdy and

climbed o v e r t h e f u r n i t u r e of t h e f r i e n d s we were v i s i t i n g , a s it t h e y
had t h e r u n o t top o t t h a t , everyone had found them t o
be l i v e l y and rambunctious boys.
Once learned, I had kept the rule of q u i e t p a s s i v i t y , not

b o t h e r i n g t o r e v i s e i t a s an a d u l t . I n recompense, I always k e p t up a

l i v e l y inner dialogue, t o t h e point o t l a u g h i n g o r s n i c k e r i n g a t my

own s i l e n t jokes. During my s t a y w i t h C l a r a , s h e had immediately p u t
a stop to this a u t o c e n t r i c behavior. I received a sound r a p on t h e
head from h e r whenever s h e saw my l i p s moving, o r d e t e c t e d even s o
much a s a smile on my f a c e t h a t w a s n ' t warranted by e x t e r n a l e v e n t s .
Hut having been away from t h e sorcerers' influence f o r many months,
t h e h a b i t o t t a l k i n g t o myself had r e t u r n e d .

"Why i s i t s o d i f f i c u l t t o change?" I had once asked C l a r a a f t e r

a day of r e c a p i t u l a t i n g i n t h e cave n e a r her house.

We s a t down i n t h e k i t c h e n where s h e handed me a plate of stew.
A s we a t e , she explained t h a t t --
h e -power t o~- change depended on one's..
.. " ~

energy. She t h e n p u t f o f t h t h e s o r c e r y t h e s i s t h a t t h e sexual excita-

tion of one's parents at the moment of c o n c e p t i o n determined t h e
e n e r g e t i c c o n f i g u r a t i o n of t h e i n f a n t .

I "What e x a c t l y does t h a t mean, C l a r a ? " I asked.

75
 " I t t h e r e was l i t t l e o r no e x c i t a t i o n during the sex a c t , the

c h i l d born o u t of t h a t union w i l l be a s d u l l a s a p l u g n i c k e l , " s h e

explained. 'On t h e o t h e r hand i f both p a r e n t s were e x c i t e d , t h e n t h e

child will have the energy and optimism t o meet l i f e head on and

d e l i g h t i n whatever comes h i s way."

"What happens it o n l y one of t h e p a r e n t s was e x c i t e d ? " I asked.
"You t e l l me," s h e r e p l i e d p e e r i n g a t me. "You ought t o know from

personal experience."

"The person g e t s enthusiastic for a w h i l e and t h e n s h e p e t e r s

'.i' w t l - ~
o u t , " I a d m i t t e d . "Une i s imbalanced and u n s t a b l e . "
C l a r a nodded. "They know t h a t ultimately they d o n ' t have t h e
energy t o go through w i t h whatever they s t a r t . So t h e y g i v e up h a l t
way. They never b r i n g a n y t h i n g t o f r u i t i o n ; they a r e defeated before
t h e y even begin."
"What can one do a b o u t i t ? " I asked.
"They can t i g h t..e. n t.h. .e~i r b e---l t s and i n t e n d themselves d i f f e r e n t , "
"" .~~. ----.--.-

she said.
"How do t h e y i n t e n d themselves d i f f e r e n t ? "
"A person w i t h little energy has to project herself o u t of

herself. She has t o l i n k up w i t h a d i f f e r e n t dream. She has t o dream

h e r s e l f anew."
"To dream o n e s e l f anew sounds l i k e a metaphor," I said sighing.

" I s it r e a l l y p o s s i b l e t o change?"
' I t certainly i s , " C l a r a s a i d . "But f i r s t you have t o r e c a p i t u l -
a t e your u n d i s c i p l i n e d l i f e and puke i t o u t . Then you begin dreaming a

new being, one with vigor and l o t s of energy t o s p a r e . L i t t l e by

l i t t l e , you wake up t h e energy body u n t i l your a c t s and f e e l i n g s match
7b
 ,t ':
your new being. Every strong and p r e c i s e a c t w i l l r e i n f o r c e t h e
,

dreaming body, and your ing, w i l l g i v e power t o your d a i l y

acts. In t h i s way you h i f o u t of your s e l f on t h e wings of

intent. "

Remembering C l a r a ' s words t i l l e d me w i t h courage and optimism. I

pressed a place along my l e f t side just above t h e spleen, a point

C l a r a had s a i d was u s e f u l f o r becoming a l e r t and f o r g e t t i n g a b i t ot

added energy whenever one t e l t despondent, l i s t l e s s o r drowsy.

I glanced at Carlos. "What i s t h e p o p u l a t i o n of Guaymas?" I
asked again attempting conversation. "I've passed through there
s e v e r a l y e a r s ago. I suppose i t ' s r e a l l y grown."
C a r l o s gave me a c u r i o u s look a s it he w a s n ' t s u r e I was r e a l l y

i n t e r e s t e d i n t a l k i n g about t h e p o p u l a t i o n of Guaymas.
, ,
, t ' I t has grown i n t h e p a s t few y e a r s , but I d o n ' t know what t h e
population i s . "

I t it h a d n ' t been g e t t i n g dark, he might have n o t i c e d my l i p s

moving a s I began t o r e p e a t some power words t o myself. As it was, my
d i s m a l mood was l o s t in the descendingtwilight. The d a r k n e s s was
s e t t l i n g l i k e a g r e y f i l t e r c o v e r i n g t h e eyes. To t h e west, t h e sky

had becoming a deep p u r p l e w i t h r e d ^-m-v^

Creaks where t h e sun had a l r e a d y
s e t . The low h i l l s i n t h e d i s t a n c e were black c u t outs pasted against
the grey-black sky. From time to t i m e , we passed a tew Saguaro
cactus, silhouetted against the low hills. Their thick arms were
t u r n e d upward, o u t s t r e t c h e d t o t h e black heavens as i t t h e y had been
frozen i n a posture o t supplication.
A l l t h e s a g u a r o were t h e same; some were t a l l e r t h a n o t h e r s , some

1 had s t u b b i e r armatures, but t h e y were a l l hoping t o r t h e same t h i n g :

77
g r a c e t o drop from heaven, i n t h e form of g e n t l e r a i n , d r o p l e t s of
m i s t t o quench t h e i r e t e r n a l t h i r s t .
I had f o r g o t t e n how n o i s y t h e n i g h t i n t h e c i t y was compared t o

the u t t e r s t i l l n e s s of t h e desert. I rested my head against the

s e a t ' s headrest and l i s t e n e d t o t h e thumping of t h e c a r t i r e s p a s s i n g

o v e r t h e rough road. From t h e s o u n d s , I could detect that the l e f t

rear t i r e was low, for the wheels were n o t evenly balanced and an

e x t r a thump a r o s e from t h a t d i r e c t i o n . I t caught my a t t e n t i o n and t h e

rhythmic thud l u l l e d me i n t o a h a l t s l e e p .

I smiled at the thought that i t Carlos had wanted t o h o l d a

c o n v e r s a t i o n now, I wouldn't be able to come up with a coherent

comment. For a h y p n o t i c s p e l l had t a k e n hold of me, and I was f e e l i n g
heavy, drowsy, so t h a t I could b a r l e y keep my eyes open.
The road ahead was straight, illuminated by the bright car
headlights. It formed a long, grey t u n n e l , t h a t p u l l e d my gaze i n t o
i t , guided by t h e white center dividing line that peaked i n the
distance. I t took t o o much e f f o r t t o p u l l my eyes away from t h e r o a d ,

s o I J u s t k e p t s t a r i n g a t t h e w h i t e l i n e sucking me i n t o a l o n g , deep
t u n n e l , making nie drowsier and d r o w s i e r . With g r e a t e f f o r t I s h i t t e d
my eyes t o t h e s i d e of t h e road. To my amazement, t h e l a n d s c a p e had
changed. The d e s e r t was gone! Gone were t h e Saguaro c a c t i , t h e dusty

s h r u b s , and t h e o c c a s i o n a l tumbleweed t h a t I had seen r o l l i n g along

t h e roadside.
Instead, we were driving through a f o r e s t s , and I was s e e i n g
g i a n t p i n e t r e e s on e i t h e r s i d e o f t h e road. The t r e e s were a s t a l l
a s t h e s k y , which had d i s a p p e a r e d i n a mass o t d a r k , piney branches.
 Since I wasn't asleep, I knew i t was a m i r a g e , but n o t one t h a t
was f r i g h t e n i n g ; i t r a t h e r was astounding. I l e t my s e n s e s e x p l o r e t h e
t r e e s which were becoming more and more d e l i n e a t e d a s we moved t h r o u g h
them. Some of the trees were g i a n t redwood w i t h f u r r y bark, long

s t r a i g h t t r u n k s and bushy t o p s . They were so c l o s e t o g e t h e r t h a t t h e r e

was no way t o s e e beyond them, t o s e e what was h o l d i n g them up. Mirage

or not, in the darkness, they seemed t o be a s r e a l a s t h e g r o v e of

t r e e s I had s e e n w h i l e d r i v i n g i n Northern C a l i f o r n i a .

A l l of a sudden t h e road was curving as if we were i n the

maintains. Not being familiar with t h e landscape around Guaymas, I
thought perhaps we were climbing i n t o hilly terrain. I allowed
myself t o go w i t h t h e s c e n e r y and d i d n ' t bother t o e v a l u a t e i t w i t h my
r a t i o n a l knowledge of the Sonoran desert and of redwood f o r e s t s .
, .,,
Watching t h e t r e e s pass, became f o r me, a form of e n t e r t a i n m e n t ; I
tound myself l o o k i n g o u t f o r b e a r , o r hoping t o spot a deer, but I
didn't.

I was so intrigued with the vision, that I could n o t t e l l how

much t i m e had passed. C a r l o s was d r i v i n g slower t h a n u s u a l , as i t he,
t o o , were a f r a i d a d e e r might d a r t a c r o s s t h e road. I made no mention

o t the forest o t trees that surrounded u s , tor I was c e r t a i n C a r l o s

would t h i n k me c r a z y , and t h e s c e n e r y would d i s a p p e a r . B e s i d e s , I no
l o n g e r had t h e a b i l i t y t o speak. I could b a r e l y t h i n k l e t alone voice
my thoughts. Then I stopped t h i n k i n g a l l t o g e t h e r and sunk i n t o a
heavy s i l e n c e , watching t h e t r e e s , waiting tor a phantom animal t o
move among them, and t i n a l l y , j u s t watching.
John Michael Abelar had once t o l d me t h a t men were n o t t h e o n l y
t c r e a t u r e s who c o u l d a t t a i n a s t a t e o t heightened awareness.

79
 "Dogs, d e e r , crows, any animal can have a d i r e c t l i n e t o i n t e n t , "
he had s a i d . "We c a l l them magical c r e a t u r e s . S o r c e r e r s s e e k them and
u s e them as a i d s o r h e l p e r s . " I

I must have f a l l e n a s l e e p because a t one point, I was no l o n g e r

s i t t i n g in the front s e a t of Carlos' c a r , but on some s o r t o t h a r d

wooden bench. My head was t i l t e d back r e s t i n g on a thick p o s t , and

i n s t e a d of l o o k i n g up a t the i n s i d e of t h e c a r , I was l o o k i n g up a t

some g i a n t t r e e s i n f r o n t of C l a r a ' s house. I was practicing a

gazing exercise t h a t E m i l i t o had t a u g h t me. And I was s i t t i n g on t h a t

s p e c i a l bench he had constructed according to ancient sorcerers'

specitications.

T h i s p a r t i c u l a r g a z i n g bench was designed s p e c i f i c a l l y f o r g a z i n g

a t trees. The t h r e e p o s t s t h a t s u p p o r t e d t h e back of t h e bench were

' 1 about s i x i n c h e s s q u a r e and s i x i n c h e s t a l l e r t h a n t h e t o p h o r i z o n t a l

p l a n k t h a t s e r v e d a s t h e back of t h e bench. The t o p s of t h e p o s t s

were c u t a t a s l a n t s o t h a t when s i t t i n g on t h e bench, one could l e a n

t h e head back a g a i n s t one of the three thick protruding v e r t i c a l

p o s t s . They "were c u t at a perfect angle so t h a t when t h e head was
t i l t e d back, i t allowed one t o g a z e upward without having to strain

the neck or hold up the head. One could t h e n be t o t a l l y r e l a x e d

during t h e gazing practice, whether one was gazing at trees, a t

c l o u d s , o r a t t h e moon o r s t a r s a t n i g h t .

This p a r t i c u l a r bench was s e t i n f r o n t of a grove of t r e e s , t h r e e

o t which s t o o d o u t from t h e r e s t . The bench allowed t h r e e persons t o
gaze simultaneously, and, it t h e y wished, go i n t o s t a t e s o t dreaming
together. E m i l i t o was s i t t i n g b e s i d e me on t h e bench w i t h h i s head
I' r e s t i n g on t h e post at the o t h e r end. H e was a l s o g a z i n g upward a t

au
 one of t h e t h r e e t r e e s t h a t were on a s l i g h t h i l l some d i s t a n c e away.

E m i l i t o was gazing a t t h e l e f t one, t h e one t h a t corresponded t o h i s

p o s i t i o n on t h e bench, w h i l e I was g a z i n g at the one on the right,

d i r e c t l y i n l i n e w i t h my p o i n t of v i s i o n .

The trees were outlined against the p u r p l e - b l u e sky. I was

t o t a l l y r e l a x e d looking a t t h e t r e e i n f r o n t o t me. I t was voluminous,
g r e e n w i t h s w i r l s of l i g h t e r green f o l i a g e t h a t seemed t o be a l i v e and

moved even when t h e r e was no wind. I n between the thick swirling

foliage, there were dark empty spaces where I could s e e t h e a r t i c u l a -

t i o n of t h e branches.
"Look c a r e f u l l y a t every feature of your tree," Emilito s a i d .
s o f t l y . "Without moving your head o f f t h e g a z i n g p o s t , l i s t e n t o my
i n s t r u c t i o n s , t h e n do what I say."

J I r e l a x e d and waited f o r h i s whispered d i r e c t i v e s . He t o l d me t o

begin a t t h e t r u n k o t t h e t r e e and sweep my eyes upward, f i r s t i n c o r -
p o r a t i n g t h e lower branches, and t h e n moving upward by sweeping t h e
t u f t s o t l e a v e s w i t h my gaze. i

I d i d a s he s a i d , r e l a x i n g completely, l e t t i n g t h e energy from my

eyes sweep t h e t r e e t r u n k and g r a d u a l l y ascend.

"Leave your head where i t i s , j u s t move your gaze i n the direc-

tion ot the t r e e ' s growth," he s a i d . " I t your gaze g e t s l o s t , s t u c k
o r d i s t r a c t e d , begin a g a i n a t t h e bottom."
I repeated t h e sweeping procedure perhaps twenty t i m e s , always

beginning a t t h e bottom, t h e n sweeping my eyes upward a l o n g e v e r y p a r t

ol: t h e t r e e ; i t s t r u n k , t h e s i d e where the tree met t h e ' s k y , moving
toward the thick bushy parts in t h e c e n t e r , and g e n t l y a l o n g t h e
1 v i s i b l e brown branches and o u t t o t h e f o l i a g e a g a i n . I continued t h i s

81
,~ .
movement u n t i l I had covered t h e e n t i r e s u r f a c e of t h e t r e e , t h e n I
began a g a i n .
A f t e r g i v i n g me my i n i t i a l i n s t r u c t i o n s , E m i l i t o was s i l e n t and I
s e n s e he was g a z i n g a t t h e t r e e on t h e f a r l e f t t h a t corresponded w i t h
h i s p o s i t i o n on t h e bench. I was c u r i o u s about t h e other t r e e s so 1
t u r n e d my head s l i g h t l y s h i f t my gaze. I n s t a n t l y , I f e l t a poke i n my

l e f t s i d e . He had poked me w i t h a stick that was l y i n g on t h e bench

between u s , t h a t I h a d n ' t n o t i c e d i t b e f o r e .
"Stay i n
squirrel."
your own -
t r e e , " E m i i i t o snapped. " C u r i o s i t y l < ; i l l e d . . ~ e

I wanted t o t e l l him i t was t h e c a t , but I didn't dare correct

him.

"These t r e e s a r e n o t t h e same," E m i i i t o e x p l a i n e d . "Each one must

',
4
I be gazed a t from i t s p r o p e r p l a c e on t h e bench."

"How a r e t h e y d i f f e r e n t ? " I asked n o t d a r i n g t o move my eyes o f f

t h e t r e e i n f r o n t of me.
They are different in t h e same way p e o p l e a r e d i f f e r e n t , " he
r e p l i e d . "They have t h e i r own mood and temperament, t h e i r own energy.
You know enough about trees from climbing and l i v i n g i n them t o
r e a l i z e t h e y a r e n o t t h e same."

That was t r u e . T r e e s were a s d i f f e r e n t i n temperament a s people.

Hach t r e e I climbed was a unique being with a h i s t o r y o f t e n longer

t h a n t h e l i f e s p a n o t man. from climbing them, I had l e a r n e d t o sense

the tree's s u b t i t l e moods, t h e i r changes, t h e i r n e e d s a n d even t h e i r

o u t p o u r i n g of a f f e c t i o n . Trees were s o l i t a r y beings, y e t underneath
the ground horrendous things were taking place. The r o o t s were

,! i n t e r t w i n e d i n a mass of growth competing f o r e v e r y i n c h of s p a c e and

 moisture. I learned t h a t human beings were n o t h i n g i n t h e i r aggres-
s i v e n e s s and competitiveness when compared to trees. Their roots

t w i s t e d and pushed and s t r a n g l e d each o t h e r i n an endeavor t o s u r v i v e ,

going t h r o u g h t h e most i n t r i c a t e c o n t o r t i o n s to stake t h e i r claim t o

life.
From above t h e ground, t r e e s seemed more s t a b l e . I realized that

i t was because t r e e s were s o aware and s t a b l e t h a t a g r e a t p a r t of my

sorcerer's training had t a k e n p l a c e s t r a p p e d i n a h a r n e s s , suspended

from a t r e e o r w h i l e l i v i n g i n a t r e e house.
"That's r i g h t , Taisna," iflnilito said picking up my t h o u g h t s .
A.&$&"*.vf~,
" T h a t ' s why you became a t r e e d-,-.-.
w e~-,4
ller. 'The i n s t a b i l i t y o t your double
demanded i t . You were l e a r n i n g how t o s t a l k w i t h t h e double. You had

t o s t a y i n t h e t r e e s u n t i l your assemblage p o i n t s t a b i l i z e d i n i t s new

m ; position."

I remembered I was n o t allowed t o come down from t h e t r e e s except

t o go t o t h e bathroom. The r e s t o f t h e time I s t a y e d up t h e r e r e c a p i -

t u l a t i n g o r climbing from branch t o branch w i t h my t r e e c l i m b i n g g e a r .
Whenever I wanted something t o e a t I would have t o s h o u t f o r E m i l i t o

t o b r i n g me my food. A t first, I was r e l u c t a n t t o shout, f o r I had

been t a u g h t that ladies never r a i s e d t h e i r v o i c e s . But I knew from

p a s t e x p e r i e n c e t h a t , s h o u t i n g w a s t h e o n l y way l i m i l i t o would respond.
L would s q u a t and Let o u t a s h r i e k s o loud t h a t a l l t h e b i r d s around

me would t l y o f f i n t r i g h t . But g r a d u a l l y , the birds g o t used t o my

s h o u t i n g and would j u s t p e e r a t me w i t h one black eye a s i f I were a

s t r a n g e b i r d making even s t r a n g e r n o i s e s . Then E m i l i t o would a p p e a r a t
the toot o t the t r e e w i t h a b a s k e t o t food t h a t he would h o i s t up t o
I t h e p l a t t o r m where I was s i t t i n g .
a3
 ,,I , t o o , was once a t r e e d w e l l e r , " h m i l i t o s a i d a g a i n r e a d i n g my

thoughts. "We were both a b i t b a t t y , touched i n t h e head."

Just to prove h i s p o i n t , he gave me a n o t h e r unexpected poke i n
the r i b s .
"And t h i s l i t t l e branch," he added g i g g l i n g , "is t o make s u r e
i n e x p e r i e n c e d g a z e r s d o n ' t f l y o t t i n t o t h e t r e e o r t a l l a s l e e p on t h e
bench. I t I s e n s e you f l y i n g o r f a l l i n g a s l e e p , I poke you l i k e t h i s . "

He chuckled and gave me a n o t h e r poke.

" I ' m n o t t a i l i n g a s l e e p , " I s a i d annoyed. Although, a t one p o i n t
i n my g a z i n g I had t h e t e e l i n g I had been sucked i n t o t h e t r e e a s i f 1
were s i t t i n g on one of i t s branches.
K m i l i t o l e t o u t a howl. "Are you sure you're not a s l e e p ? " he

s a i d . "Maybe you a l r e a d y t e l l a s l e e p , w h i l e I w a s n ' t watching."

'1 did n o t , " I s a i d and t o prove it I pinched myself on t h e s p o t
below t h e L e t t f l o a t i n g r i b , t h e p l a c e where he had been poking me.
Then I brought my eyes back t o t h e t r e e corresponding t o my end of t h e
bench and r e p e a t e d t h e g a z i n g sweeping motion i n a most d e t a i l e d and
d e l i b e r a t e manner. I repeated it a g a i n and a g a i n , f e e l i n g w i t h my
e y e s , a s t - m i l i t o had recommended, the patches, the differences i n
shading and texture, and the openings where the branches poked
through.
"Now, move your gaze around t h e p e r i p h e r y of the t r e e where i t

meets t h e sky," Emilito i n s t r u c t e d . "Follow t h e o u t l i n e o t t r e e and

sky w i t h your gaze a s i t you were painting the tree with a long
handled brush. "

I d i d what he s u g g e s t e d and a l l of a sudden t h e c o l o r of t h e t r e e

I changed from a dark green t o a b r i g h t c h a r t r e u s e a s i t a g i g a n t i c s p o t

84
l i g h t had been t u r n e d on. The s k y , i n s t e a d of being a p u r p l e b l a c k ,
t u r n e d i n t o a b r i g h t blue green. I t happened s o s u d d e n l y t h a t I c l o s e d

my eyes and p r e s s e d backwards a g a i n s t t h e bench. L u c k i l y , t h e s t u r d y

head p o s t k e p t me from f a l l i n g t o t h e ground. When I opened my e y e s

a g a i n , t h e change of c o l o r was s t i l l i n e f f e c t .
"Let t h e energy from the t r e e f l o o d your eyes," Emilito said.
"Merge w i t h t h e t r e e t h e way I showed you."

When I did, the t r e e changed colors again. Now t h e sky was a

bright gold, and the tree became a mass of d a z z l i n g peach c o l o r e d
l i g h t . Each l e a f was a b i t ol: l i g h t superimposed on a simmering l i m b ,
forming a m a t r i x of l i g h t . Layers and l a y e r s of l i g h t b u r s t f o r t h from
t h e t r e e u n t i l I was looking at a pulsating shimmering s p r e a d of

energy t h a t merged w i t h t h e energy of t h e golden sky around i t .

I t was a s i g h t t o behold. I r e a l i z e d t h e n why d i f f e r e n t p a r t s o f
t h e t r e e were d i f f e r e n t colors; they had different i n t e n s i t i e s of
energy emanating from them. These p a t c h e s corresponded w i t h moods o r
f e e l i n g s t h a t t h e t r e e gave off. And there were dark spots, too.
P l a c e s from were no l i g h t emanated. I knew t h a t t h e s e were t h e shadow
e n t i t i e s t h a t i n h a b i t e d a realm v e r y c l o s e t o our own, and sometimes

crossed over. I was s u r p r i s e d t o see some of t h e s e shadow beings

climbing t h e t r e e branches t h e way I used t o climb them.
The l i g h t o t t h e tree shimmered and moved as if wet, l i k e
raindrops illuminated by a c a r h e a d l i g h t . Nothing a b o u t t h e t r e e was

s t a t i c ; i t was a b s o l u t e l y f l u i d , impermanent. I n one moment, my t a k e n

f o r granted impression of t r e e s , t h a t t h e y were s t a b l e , s e d e n t a r y and
permanently rooted was blasted away. Upon seeing t h e shimmering
p u l s a t i n g mass o t yellow and w h i t e surrounded by t h e p a l e s t p i n k h a l o ,

I knew t r e e s were i n c o n s t a n t t l u x .
"Are you s e e i n g i t ? " E m i l i t o asked.

"Yes, y e s , " I gasped. "Whoa! I had no i d e a t r e e s looked l i k e

that. "

"Don't g e t too excited o r y o u ' l l s h i f t your gaze back t o normal

v i s i o n , " he warned. "Stay r e l a x e d and calm. Uon't wake up."

"There you go a g a i n , Emilito. f o r g e t your prodding s t i c k . I ' m

r e a l l y n o t a s l e e p . But it c e r t a i n l y seems a s i t I were dreaming. Am I

dreaming, E m i l i t o ," I asked n o t d a r i n g t o move my eyes away.

"Yes and n o , " he s a i d . "Gaze now; a s k q u e s t i o n s l a t e r . "
I remained s t i l l and s i l e n t t o r I did not want the scene t o
dissipate. I t e a s t e d my eyes on the light t o r a s long a s I could.
Then a s suddenly a s i t had appeared, t h e l i g h t vanished and I was
again gazing a t the enormous t r e e in tront o t me. I t was a s it a

radiant apparition had vanished leaving behind only i t s familiar

outward torm and t h e memory of something stupendous now gone. I t was a
shimmering ghosc f a d i n g away, and t h e tree that had been s o magni-
ticent a t the outset of my g a z i n g , was now a d i s a p p o i n t m e n t compared
t o s e e i n g i t s t r u e essence.
t,
You c a n open your eyes now," E m i l i t o s a i d poking me in the r i b s
with h i s s t i c k . "Tne show's over."

"What a show!" I s a i d . "I had no idea.. ."

E m i l i t o r a i s e d a hand t o s i l e n c e me.
'Ut c o u r s e you had an i d e a , " he s a i d . "We a l l know how t o s e e t h e
e s s e n c e o t t h i n g s . We d i d it a s i n f a n t s ; and you d i d some g a z i n g w h i l e
living in the trees. Have you f o r g o t t e n how t o s h i f t your e y e s and

8b
 p r o j e c t your t e e l i n g ? Are you l o o k i n g and t e e l i n g only y o u r s e l f and

ignoring everything e l s e ? "

,,S t o p , Emilito. Stop," I s a i d r e m o r s e f u l f o r a l l t h e time I had
wasted l o o k i n g a t m y s e l t , when I could have been seeing t r e e s and

other things.
"Shallow i s form, look behind," E m i l i t o s a i d f e i g n i n g an o r i e n t a l

accent.
I had t o laugh. I wondered where he had l e a r n e d t h a t Buddhist

adage. He must have g o t t e n it from C l a r a who always had been s p o u t i n g

o r i e n t a l aphorisms. -

"You sound l i k e a b u d d h i s t monk," I s a i d . "Don't t e l l me you were

i n China, t o o , a l o n g w i t h C l a r a ? "

\ E m i l i t o smiled and nodded. " I ' m t h e c a r e t a k e r o t t h i s house," he

L
s a i d . "But I do g e t around. Someday I ' l l t e l l you my s t o r y .
l^L.allow you t o -
see t o r yourself."
h m i l i t o looked a t me a s it he had a stupendous s e c r e t t o r e v e a l .
U r better

I t gave me t h e s h i v e r s , He t o l d me t o examine t h e bench t o s e e how it

was p u t t o g e t h e r s o I could c o n s t r u c t one m y s e l t i n c a s e I e v e r needed

to. I t was fastened w i t h pegs pushed through d r i l l e d h o l e s . I was

impressed by i t s s t u r d y y e t e l e g a n t c o n s t r u c t i o n .
"This bench is a r e a l help t o r gazing," I s a i d . "A g r e a t d e s i g n

too."
"Made by yours t r u l y , " he s a i d w i t h a bow.
" D i d you l e a r n t h i s i n China?" I asked.

"No. The i d e a was handed down t o t h e n a g u a l ' s l i n e a g e trom t h e

a n c i e n t s o r c e r e r s . The s o r c e r e r s of our l i n e have a l l s o r t s o t d e v i c e s
and-gadgets t o aid them i n t h e i r dreaming and s e e i n g and s t a l k i n g .

87
 The l e a t h e r harness i n which you were suspend i s one such a i d , t h i s

g a z i n g bench i s a n o t h e r . O t course, they a r e only d e v i c e s t h a t make

s e e i n g and dreaming e a s i e r . But s e e i n g and dreaming and s t a l k i n g can
be done w i t h o u t depending on any d e v i c e s . A l l one needs i s an impec-
c a b l e s p i r i t . And of c o u r s e , energy s t o r e d through t h e r e c a p i t u l a t i o n ,
r e t r a i n i n g trom i n d u l g i n g , and inner s i l e n c e , so t h a t the energetic
body o r double can awake. Then one can s t a l k w i t h i t and do a i l k i n d s
of t h i n g s . "

"What do you mean by s t a l k i n g w i t h t h e double?" I asked.

'What a s i l l y q u e s t i o n , " he s a i d b l i n k i n g a t me. " T h a t ' s what you
were doing a l l t h o s e months i n t h e t r e e s . You were s o l i d i t y i n g your

energy body and s t a l k i n g t h e t r e e s and y o u r s e l f with i t , a s w e l l as

t h e companions t h a t l i v e d up t h e r e w i t h you."
"What do you mean companions," I s a i d . "Uther t h a n t h e s q u i r r e l s
and b i r d s , I was up t h e r e by m y s e l f , and you know i t "

i i m i l i t o smacked h i s l i p s . "Like h e l l you were. What about y o u r

shadow companions?"

I remembered seeing the shadow beings i n t h e t r e e s a s I was

g a z i n g a t t h e t r e e and d i d r e c a l l s e e i n g p l e n t y o t shadows w h i l e I was

living in the tree house. I n t a c t , many ot the s m a l l e r ones I had
thought were b i r d s hoping among t h e branches t u r n e d out t o be s m a l l
f l u t t e r i n g shadows. I t o l d E m i l i t o t h i s f a c t .

"As your energy body becomes clearer, you'll remember your

f r i e n d s more c l e a r l y . Mow we a r e u s i n g t h e double t o gaze a t trees.
You could even move from this bench i n t o t h e t r e e s themselves,"
E m i l i t o continued. "You remember doing t h e t r e e merging w h i l e s t a n d i n g
".

. .'~1
under a t r e e . Someday when you have s t o r e d enough e n e r g y , you can t r y

aa
, . g a z i n g from t h i s bench a g a i n and we'll see it you can be c a t a p u l t e d

i n t o t h e t r e e . Maybe even some of t h e shadow beings w i l l h e l p you."

"I'd rather j u s t climb the t r e e w i t h my t r e e climbing g e a r , " I
said. Somehow t h e i d e a of being sucked up i n t o the tree tops, o r
anywhere else for that matter by a shadowy c o n f e d e r a t e , was t o o
u n s e t t l i n g . The memory of c r o s s i n g t h e t h r e s h o l d i n t o t h e l e f t s i d e of

the hail of Clara's house where t h e o t h e r members of t h e n a g u a l ' s

p a r t y had been w a i t i n g , was s t i l l t o o v i v i d . Some f o r c e had c a t a p u l t -
ed me w i t h such a d e v a s t a t i n g push, t h a t I flew r i g h t o u t of t h e house
and beyond t h e r e c o g n i z a b l e world i t s e l f . Then I woke up hanging from

a tree, w i t h no . r e c o l l e c t i o n ok what had happened, how I had g o t t e n

t h e r e , o r how long I had been suspended.

"Well, t h e n , it" y o u ' r e s c a r e d of jumping i n t o the treetops with
, ,
your d o u b l e , o r of letting the shadow beings g i v e you a push, how

about making t h e t r e e s move away from t h e i r s p o t ? "

"What a r e you s a y i n g , iiimilito? That t r e e s can move from t h e i r

spot?"
"That's r i g h t . T r e e s a r e n ' t what t h e y seem a t a l l . You saw t h a t
yourself. . -
Once we s e e them a s masses o t l i g h t , we r e a l i z e t h a t they
can merge with other e n e r g e t i c b e i n g s , j u s t a s we can move and merge
w i t h trees."

"Are you s a y i n g t h a t t r e e s can a c t u a l l y change t h e i r p o s i t i o n ? "

"Some t r e e s can, but n o t a l l , " Emilito c l a r i f i e d . " J u s t as some

people o r animals can get to t h e i r double, but n o t everyone h a s t h e

energy t o become aware of t h e i r other side and begin t o s t a l k with
it."
 'You mean a tree can pop up somewhere e l s e ? T h a t ' s hard t o
b e l i e v e , E m i l i t o , mighty hard."
"Not when you -
s e e t r e e s a s energy t h a t ' s c o n s t a n t l y c h a n g i n g , " he
insisted. "Energy never stays the same. I t moves depending on i t s

s u r r o u n d i n g s . " H i s eyes became f i e r c e as a bird o t prey. "And," he

added, "depending on who's commanding i t . "

1 had t o waver i n my c e r t a i n t y . The memory o t s e e i n g t h a t t r e e

glowing w i t h a f l o w i n g l i g h t , had g i v e n me t h e i m p r e s s i o n t h a t i t was
i n a s t a t e of f l u x . P e r h a p s , E m i l i t o was r i g h t a f t e r a l l ; t r e e s could
move away from t h e i r s p o t .
9,
The a n c i e n t s o r c e r e r s , u s i n g t h e i r powers of s e e i n g , would make
an a l l out search t o r such t r e e s , which they c a l l e d 'power t r e e s , " '
E m i l i t o explained. "They would form i n t e n s e bonds w i t h them. The t r e e

. .
i then would become the sorcerers' ally and even t r a n s p o r t them t o
d i f f e r e n t p l a c e s . The s o r c e r e r s would a i d t h e t r e e w i t h t h e i r energy,
and the tree would help t h e sorcerer i n a symbiotic r e l a t i o n s h i p .

Sometimes a s o r c e r e r would even merge w i t h a t r e e permanently i n o r d e r

t o t e m p o r a r i l y prolong h i s own l i f e . "
" I t sounds downright gruesome," I s a i d . " L i k e some s o r t of magic

c a r p e t s o r c e r e r s could s i t on t o t r a v e l . "
"They d i d n ' t t r a v e l w i t h them, t h e y j u s t moved w i t h them. There

is a d i t r e r e n c e , " Emilito claritied. " I t t h e y wanted t o t r a v e l , t h e y

would change i n t o a b i r d o r a s w i f t t o o t e d animal s u c h a s t h e mountain

l i o n , which a r e much more a d e p t a t t r a v e l i n g t h a n a r e t r e e s . "
"What would t h e y do w i t h t r e e s then?"
"They would hide i n them, and move t h e t r e e s t o c o n t u s e whoever

was p u r s u i n g them. I n a n c i e n t t i m e s , s o r c e r e r s had f i e r c e enemies who

Yu
hounded them relentlessly. Sorcerers would h i d e o r merge w i t h t h e

t r e e s s o t h a t t h e i r enemy would become confused. U r they c o u l d cause

an e n t i r e grove of t r e e s t o move t o g e t h e r . Imagine s e e i n g an army of
t r e e s advancing on you. T h e i r enemies would d i e of s h e e r f r i g h t .
" U r t r e e s can exchange p o s i t i o n s t o s e e what it's like t o be on

a n o t h e r s p o t , " Kmilito c o n t i n u e d . "But t h a t t a k e s t o n s of e n e r g y , even

t o r a t r e e , and even it t h a t happened, a p e r s o n would n o t notice the
s w i t c h u n l e s s he was a s o r c e r e r . "
When E m i l i t o said that t r e e s could exchange p l a c e , I remembered

an i n c i d e n t t h a t happened i n C l a r a ' s house. To the rear ot the patio

were s e v e r a l f r u i t trees including a l a r g e z a p o t e and a l o q u o t . At

one t i m e , I had thought t h e l o q u o a t t r e e was on t h e r i g h t side ot the

patio, and the zapote on the l e f t . But one day, a f t e r I had been

staying with Clara f o r s e v e r a l months, I could have sworn that the

t r e e s had changed p l a c e s . I discovered t h a t it was t h e z a p & t e t r e e
t h a t was on t h e r i g h t s i d e o t t h e p a t i o shading t h e bench C l a r a and I
often s a t on. When I mentioned t h i s t o C l a r a , s h e . h a d immediately
hushed me u p a n d t o l d me n o t t o speak o t t h e Zapote ever a g a i n . That
wasn't d i t t i c u l t t o do because I had d i s c a r d e d my s p e c u l a t i o n a s an
absurd i m p o s s i b i l i t y .
Now, i n t h e l i g h t o t what Emilito was saying about trees, 1
wasn't so c e r t a i n anymore. P e r h a p s , t h o s e t r e e s had exchanged p o s i -
tions.

I asked Kmilito about this. He said that the trees in the

n a g u a l ' s house were v e r y s p e c i a l ; t h e y had power and, t h e r e f o r e , t h e y

could do whatever t h e y l i k e d . They could bloom o u t of s e a s o n , bear
f r u i t a l l y e a r around, o r exchange p l a c e d it t h e y wished.

Y1
 " T h a t ' s hard t o b e l i e v e , " I s a i d . "And y e t ..."
"Enough t a l k . You've used up your dreaming a t t e n t i o n . I t ' s time
t o wake up. Kest your head a g a i n s t t h e gazing bench."
"What do you mean i t ' s time t o wake up. I ' m a l r e a d y awake."
"You asked me b e f o r e whether you were awake o r dreaming. Mow I

can t e l l you t h a t you a r e awake and a s l e e p a t t h e same time. You a r e

awake i n your d o u b l e , but a s l e e p i n your p h y s i c a l body."

He leaned toward me and g e n t l y pushed my head backwards a g a i n s t

t h e bench post. I t e l t a p r i c k l i n g p r e s s u r e on my f o r e h e a d and t h e n

a t t h e back o t my neck and head. I saw E m i l i t o ' s f a c e s o c l o s e y e t so

clearly that I began t o suspect t h a t he was r i g h t , I was dreaming.
The thought o t having t o leave and go back t o the every day world
created i n me such a s a d n e s s t h a t I t e a r s came t o my eyes. I didn't
! ',
want t o l e a v e E m i l i t o and t n e grove o t t r e e s . I r e s i s t e d waking up. I
wanted t o a s k him more a b o u t t h e Loquat and t h e Zapote, and about
g a z i n g , and about how trees are able to move from t h e i r s p o t s , and
most o t a i l , about h i s own s e c r e t s t o r y t h a t he promised t o r e v e a l t o
me.

" E m i l i t o , " I c a l l e d a s i f I were up i n t h e treehouse waiting for

my meal. "Emilito." But t h e scene i n f r o n t o t me had a l r e a d y s h i f t e d
and I was no l o n g e r o u t s i d e C l a r a ' s house s i t t i n g on t h e g a z i n g bench.

E m i l l t o ' s energy had added s t a b i l i t y t o t h e dreaming r e a l i t y , but now

t h a t he was gone, 1 was unable t o control the scene. I could no

longer s e e him, yet an i n t e n s e longing s t a y e d w i t h me. Then I again
t e l t t h e p r e s s u r e on t h e back o t my neck a s it E m i l i t o ' s hand was
pushing me against the p o s t , and my head was b u r s t i n g w i t h a p r i c k l y
energy t h a t f o r c e d my eyes t o slowly open.

Y2
 1 f i r s t saw t h e c a r ceiling, then the dashboard. Then Carlos
s i t t i n g behind t h e d r i v e r s wheel. The h e a d r e s t pushing a g a i n s t my neck
had made i t numb; the prickly sensation travelled down my s h o u l d e r s

and i n t o my back, arms and hands. I was awake but I c o u l d n ' t move. I
f e l t like my head was made ot electritied styrofoam, l i g h t and
sizzling at t h e same time. 1 remained s i l e n t w i t h my eyes open t o r a
w h i l e l o n g e r , n o t moving.
"How long have I been s l e e p i n g ? " I asked t r y i n g t o s t r a i g h t e n up.
'ADOUC an hour," Carlos r e p l i e d .

'now much f u r t h e r t o Guaymas?" I asked, then laughed because l t

was e x a c t l y t h e same question I had asked j u s t b e f o r e I had f a l l e n .

a s l e e p . Yet i t seemed ages ago.
" I t ' s j u s t round t h e bend," C a r i o s s a i d , a s a huge h i l l came i n t o

view. "We'll get something to eat, and spend t h e n i g h t t h e r e .

Tomorrow w e ' l l head e a s t t o the Yaqui towns and s e e what o u r power
brings us."
I could detect the f a i n t glow of t h e city in the distance. A

s h i v e r went through me a s a dark shadow flutter by the car for a

moment o b s c u r i n g i t s h e a d l i g h t s .
 6

Guaymas a t Night

C a r l o s parked the car near t h e wharf s o we could look o u t o n t o

t h e choppy s e a . E e r i e d r y docks and warehouses, i l l u m i n a t e d w i t h w h i t e

l i g h t s were silhouetted against t h e t w i l i g h t sky. From somewhere on
t h e ocean, came t h e deep moans of a t o g horn. The sounds d r i f t e d back

t o s h o r e c a r r y i n g a somber mood. The o n l y sound more l o n e l y than a t o g

horn was t h e moaning o t a i r brakes i n the night as trucks come t o a

gradual h a l t . That sound always c o n j u r e d up i n me t h e image ot v a s t

t l a t l a n d and a s o l i t a r y d r i v e r w i t h o u t s h e l t e r o r home.
The a i r was cool. I wrapped t h e poncho around me t o hold i n t h e

warmth. I remembered a c r o c h e t e d atghan I had a s a c h i l d , which had

d i s a p p e a r e d a l o n g w i t h my o t h e r k e e p s a k e s , when C l a r a ' s c o u s i n had put

t h e t h i n g s from my a p a r t m e n t i n t o s t o r a g e . Whoever had s o r t e d through

my t h i n g s had done a thorough job of wiping out t h e i'dentity of t h e

person t o whom t h e y belonged. They had d e l i b e r a t e l y discarded the

i t e m s t h a t had a p e r s o n a l s . i g n i f i c a n c e , such a s my photo album, t h e

stutfed tiger from c h i l d h o o d , a l s o my f a v o r i t e suede j a c k e t , and t h e
k a r a t e uniform and b l a c k b e l t , which I had always worn f o r p r a c t i c e .
What w a s packed i n t h e s t o r a g e boxes, were items s u c h a s dishes, pots

and p a n s , towels and clothes1 had h a r d l y w o r n . T h e y could have be-

longed t o anyone, w i t h n o s e n s e o t p e r s o n a l h i s t o r y , o r i n d i v i d u a l i t y .
I was i n t h e m i d s t o t n o s t a l g i c a l l y morning my l o s s , when I saw a

w h i t e envelope taped t o one o t t h e box t o p s . I n s i d e , was a n o t e trom

llelida; it said: 8,
Don't morn your mementos; then i s t h e n ; now i s

now." Clipped t o t h e c a r d were seven c r i s p one hundred d o l l a r b i l l s .

The i m p l i c a t i o n being t h a t I should buy whatever I needed.
For a w h i l e , I j u s t s t o o d t h e r e with the note and b i l l s i n my
hand. Then, as I began t o clam down and a s s e s s t h e s i t u a t i o n , I
r e a l i z e d N e l i d a ' s m a s t e r f u l s t a l k e r ' s maneuver. She knew t h a t I would

have t r o u b l e p a r t i n g w i t h my mementos, s o , i n one s t r o k e , s h e had done

i t t o r me. The thought t h a t I would never s e e h e r a g a i n , made a l l my

anger v a n i s h and my a t t a c h m e n t t o t h i n g s seem i n s i g n i f i c a n t . Then and
t h e r e , I promised t o do whatever it took to break the hold t h a t

p o s s e s s i o n s had o v e r me. I vowed w i t h a i l my h e a r t t o f i g h t c o v e t i n g ,

g r e e d , and s e l f - p i t y . But a s t h e days grew i n t o months, my r e s o l v e

weakened, t o r I was c o n s t a n t l y bombarded by memories o t t h e p a s t , and

p r e s e n t i n f l u e n c e s t h a t p u l l e d me towards a c q u i s i t i o n and a t t a c h m e n t .
I t seemed I was waging a b a t t l e i m p o s s i b l e t o win.

We d r o v e p a s t t h e d a r k wharts t h a t c a s t massive b l a c k shadows on

t h e pavement. I was t h i n k i n g o t c l e l i d a ' s s u p e r b s e n s e o t detachment,
when I saw t h e f l a s h i n g s i g n of a Kamada Inn. C a r l o s veered i n t o i t s

w e l l lit p a r k i n g l o t .
" W e ' l l s t a y h e r e t o r t h e n i g h t , i f t h a t ' s a l l r i g h t w i t h y o u , " he
announced. "We'll c o n t i n u e on t o t h e Yaqui towns i n t h e morning."

I waited i n t h e c a r w h i l e he r e g i s t e r e d u s . Then we d r o v e around

one ot t h e wings of t h e main two story building, and parked a g a i n .

The a d j a c e n t rooms were on t h e ground f l o o r and opened o n t o a long

covered c o r r i d o r t h a t l e a d t o a t e n c e d o t t swimming p o o l a r e a .
"Lets grab a b i t e t o eat," he suggested. "I know ot a good
 restaurant near the center of town which i s o n l y a tew blocks from

here. We can walk i f you l i k e . "

" I ' m n o t a t a l l t i r e d , " I s a i d and meant i t .

I s e t my bag on t h e bed and looked i n t h e bathroom mirror. I

wanted t o wash my h a i r but C a r l o s had said t o meet him i n f i f t e e n

minutes and I d i d n ' t want t o keep him w a i t i n g . Besides I d i d n ' t want
him t o t h i n k I was one o t t h e s e women who took hours priming i n f r o n t

o t a mirror. C l a r a had cured me o t t h a t .

S i n c e t h e r e had been no m i r r o r s i n h e r house, I had g o t t e n used

t o performing my d a i l y hygeian w i t h maximum e f f i c i e n c y . C l a r a had a l s o
weaned me trom wearing. make u p , which s h e s a i d blocked the natural

tiow o t energy around the race. The day a f t e r I had a r r i v e d a t h e r

h o u s e , s h e handed me a box ot tissues and t o l d me i n no u n c e r t a i n
terms t o wipe o t t my l i p s t i c k . I was embarrassed and i n t u r i a t e d f o r i t
recalled a scene t h a t had happened before i n j u n i o r h i g h s c h o o l when
S i s t e r B e a t r i c e came up t o me i n t h e h a l l , handed me a t i s s u e and made

me wipe o f t t h e l i p s t i c k I had daDbed on. Now C l a r a was having me do

t h e same t h i n g and I f e l t r i d i c u l o u s .
' I ' m t r e e , w h i t e and twenty o n e , " I t o l d h e r , " ~ n dI'm d e f i n i t e l y

o l d enough t o wear l i p s t i c k . "

' I t nas n o t h i n g t o do w i t h age," Clara s a i d adamantly. " I f you
want t o be a clown and p a i n t your f a c e , be my g u e s t . But t o r s t o r i n g
e n e r g y , t h e s k i n , e s p e c i a l l y around t h e mouth, e y e s , and forehead has
t o be kept t r e e trom noxious s u b s t a n c e s . Kven f a c e l o t i o n has t o be
used sparingly ."
She went i n t o a l e n g t h y d i g r e s s i o n o t how c h e m i c a l s , even in the
1
so called o r g a n i c make-up were absorbed by t h e s k i n and i n g e s t e d , a s
i n t h e c a s e o t l i p s t i c k , t h r o u g h c o n t a c t w i t h t h e tongue.
"What about mascara?" I s a i d annoyed, "Do you want me t o look
l i k e a r a b b i t with pink eyes?"

Clara threw up h e r hands i n e x a s p e r a t i o n . " B e t t e r t o resemble a

r a b b i t t h a n a bat from h e l l l " she s a i d . "That b l a c k s t u f t runs a l l

around t h e rims o t your eyes because y o u ' r e c o n s t a n t l y r u b b i n g them.

Why n o t l e a v e your f a c e n a t u r a l ? There a r e no men around h e r e f o r you
to attract."

" I f I d o n ' t put on some r o u g e , . I t l l look l i k e d e a t h warmed over.,"

I insisted.

'You look l i k e , d e a t h warmed o v e r i f you do p u t on r o u g e t , " C l a r a

said as she s l i d my makeup kit oft t h e c o u n t e r i n t o t h e t r a s h bin.
"Stop u s i n g t h e s e , and t h e n a t u r a l glow of your skin w i l l shine
through and your c o l o r w i l l r e t u r n . J u s t t h i n k of how much t i m e y o u ' l l
save n o t having t o worry a b o u t how you look. B e s i d e s , as I've said,
you're not h e r e t o bag a man. Which i s what p u t t i n g on make up i s a l l
about. Am I r i g h t ? "
She had a p o i n t . The r a s h i o n magazines and advertisements lead
one t o b e l i e v e t h a t a woman was n o t f u l l y d r e s s e d u n l e s s s h e had make-

up on. I decided t o f o l l o w h e r s u g g e s t i o n s , and a f t e r o n l y two weeks,

a c c o r d i n g t o C l a r a , t h e p a l l o r of my s k i n , t h a t had been s y s t e m a t i c a l -

l y d u l l e d , had r e g a i n e d i t s n a t u r a l sheen.

I t u r n e d o f t t h e w a t e r f a u c e t and p u t on some n a t u r a l b e e ' s wax

l i p g l o s s , which being c o l o r l e s s and o d o r l e s s d i d n o t , a c c o r d i n g t o my
scheme, t a l l i n t o t h e c a t e g o r y ot makeup. Then, wrapped i n my
poncho, I waited t o r Carlos outside my door with a few minutes t o
spare.

We walked t o a plaza surrounded by an arcade of shops. The

r e s t a u r a n t was on t h e ground f l o o r o t an o l d h o t e l . There were o u t d o o r

t a b l e s along t h e arcade, but most ot people were s i t t i n g inside

because of t h e brisk night air. A t a l l waiter dressed e n t i r e l y i n

b l a c k except tor a w h i t e towel around h i s waist, seated us near a

collum t h a t h e l d up a mezzanine where m u s i c i a n s were p l a y i n g a l i v e l y
t u n e . I s c r u t i n i z e d t h e menu, but c o u l d n ' t d e c i d e what t o o r d e r . When
t h e w a i t e r r e t u r n e d , C a r l o s o r d e r e d t r i e d s t e a k and r i c e and p l e n t y of
t o r t i l l a s t o r both o t u s .
"Don't e a t t h e tomatoes," he warned, when t h e w a i t e r brought a

s m a l l tomatoes and onion s a l a d t h a t a p p a r e n t l y came w i t h t h e meal.

' I t I e a t t h e tomatoes w i l l I d i e ? " I asked concerned.

I told him about what happened t o an anthropology p r o f e s s o r I

once had. While t r e k k i n g t o t h e v i l l a g e where he was t o conduct h i s
tieldwork i n New Guinea, he picked a r i p e tomato t r e s h o t t t h e v i n e

and a t e i t . An hour l a t e r h i s whole body was covered w i t h lumps and

he t e l l i n t o a coma. Four s u r e - t o o t e d Gururumba n a t i v e s had t o c a r r y

him down t h e mountainside i n a make shitt stretcher, where he was

rushed t o the local hospital. It turned out t h a t t h e anthropologist
was a l l e r g i c t o t h e t o x i n s i n t h a t p a r t i c u l a r v a r i e t y o f tomato and he
nearly died.

"nothing as d r a m a t i c as t h a t , " Carlos replied. "but y o u ' l l no

doubt g e t Montezuma's revenge."
" I ' v e h e a r d t h a t can be p r e t t y d r a m a t i c i n i t s e l f , " I s a i d moving
the salad o t t t o the side.
Ya
 We f i n i s h e d t h e s t e a k s . I t was d e l i c i o u s meat marinated i n a h o t

s a u c e w i t h f r i e d onions.
" A r e n ' t you going t o e a t your r i c e ? " C a r l o s asked p o i n t i n g a t t h e
untouched p i l e on my p l a t e .

' I never e a t r i c e . "

"Is i t a g a i n s t your r e l i g i o n ? " he t e a s e d .

"No, I j u s t never e a t it. Even a s a c h i l d , my mother, knowing

t h a t I w o u l d n ' t e a t r i c e , always made me mashed p o t a t o e s instead. I
d o n ' t know why I d i d n ' t e a t r i c e . I j u s t d i d n ' t . "
"Perhaps, i t was because you were a p r i n c e s s . "

I resented the insinuation of having been s p o i l e d , which t o me

was t h e f u r t h e s t t h i n g from t h e truth. "She j u s t made me p o t a t o e s

because s h e knew I w o u l d n ' t e a t t h e r i c e . I f you r e a l l y want t o know,
r i c e reminded me o a pile of i n t e s t i n a l worms t h a t , when I looked
down, seemed t o come a l i v e i n my p l a t e . I j u s t c o u l d n ' t swallow them."

Carlos peered a t me and shook h i s head. " ~ ni n t e r e s t i n g c a s e f o r

Dr. Katz." he s a i d g r a v e l y .

"Who's D r . Katz?"
"He's a p s y c h i a t r i s t s I once worked for a t t h e Neuropsychiatric
Institute, at U.C.L.A. He used to i n t e r v i e w p a t i e n t s and I would
c l a s s i f y t h e r e c o r d e d s e s s i o n s i n terms of a rigorous content analy-

sis."

"You were a t the N.Y.I.?" I said surprised. "So was I . Small

world. "

"What were you i n t o r ? " he asked concerned.

I t s t r u c k me t h a t he thought I had been a t t h e Neuropsychiatric
I n s t i t u t e as an inmate. I t e l t i n s u l t e d f o r h i s l a c k o t c o n t i d e n c e i n
my s a n i t y .
,,I wasn't a p a t i e n t , " I said quickly t o s e t t h e record s t r a i g h t .
' I was t h e r e t o do r e s e a r c h , j u s t l i k e y o u r s e l f . Only I worked on a
project involving a u t i s t i c children. "

"That sounds i n t e r e s t i n g , " he s a i d h e l p i n g h i m s e l t t o some o t my

rice.

"Actually, it was one of the most b o r i n g p r o j e c t s I ' v e e v e r

worked on." I moved my plate over to him so the grains wouldn't
scatter a i l over t h e table. "The o b j e c t o t t h e r e s e a r c h was t o g e t
t h e c h i l d t o t a l k , o r r a t h e r t o make phonemes. I had t o s i t i n front

ot the c h i l d , who was i n a small i s o l a t i o n booth w i t h a window c u t

i n t o i t , s o he w o u l d n ' t become d i s t r a c t e d . I would hold h i s f a c e and
s a y , ' ~ o o k a t me, look a t me. Say mmm. mmmm. mmmm.' The c h i l d would
squirm and l o o k away and t r y t o g e t o f t h i s s t o o l , anything b u t make
t h e sound, mmmm. I t by chance h e d i d make t h e sound, mmm, o r some-
thing remotely s i m i l a r , t h e procedure d i c t a t e d that I pop a n M & M

candy i n t o h i s mouth. Then I moved on t o a n o t h e r phoneme, r e p e a t i n g

t h e words, 'Look a t me. Look a t me. Say ahh. ahh. ahh.' and s o on f o r
about an hour u n t i l I was reduced t o a b a b b l i n g i d i o t . "

' D i d you have much s u c c e s s w i t h t h a t approach?" Carlos asked.

ah re you kidding. I t was h o p e l e s s . I doubt any o t t h e c h i l d r e n

ever learned t o t a l k , although I didn't stay with t h e p r o j e c t long

enough t o t i n d out. I became s o f r u s t r a t e d t r y i n g t o g e t t h e c h i l d ' s

a t t e n t i o n and making a l l t h o s e w i e r d sounds, t h a t I ended up e a t i n g
most o t the M & M candy myselt. I suppose I was rewarding myself t o r

t h e t r o u b l e I had g e t t i n g t h e child t o sit still. I have t o admit

IOU
that I p u t on quite a few e x t r a pounds t h a t summer. To me t h o s e
c h i l d r e n were u n t r a i n a b l e . "
,, I d i s a g r e e , " Carlos s a i d . "I had an a u t i s t i c g i r l i n my c a r e and

a f t e r only s e v e r a l weeks, I a c t u a l l y got her t o t a l k . I took her t o

t h e c i r c u s and t h e zoo. We had t h e b e s t time. She t a l k e d , b u t o n l y t o

me. "

' I thought you d i d content analysis on t a p e interviews a t t h e

1V.P.I. ," 1 s a i d .
I did t h a t a f t e r I got f i r e d working with a u t i s t i c children,"

Carlos explained. "The head o r t h e p r o j e c t was f u r i o u s because I

t r e a t e d t h e g i r l l i k e a human being. I really liked her; t o me, s h e

was a t i n e human b e i n g , n o t j u s t a s u b j e c t i n a c a s e s t u d y . "
"He probably envied your success," I s a i d . "I know how i t i s

among r e s e a r c h e r s . Sveryone wants to claim credit tor any break-

through. ''

C a r l o s shrugged. "He gave me a job i n which I d i d n ' t i n t e r a c t

w i t h people d i r e c t l y . He had me listen to tapes of p s y c h i a t r i c

sessions. I listened to h o u r s and hours of p e o p l e ' s c o m p l a i n t s a b o u t

e v e r y c o n c e i v a b l e s u b j e c t . Some of t h e problems were g e n u i n e , but most
of t h e time p e o p l e j u s t wanted a t t e n t i o n . "
"That's probably t r u e , I s a i d soaking up t h e gravy w i t h a b i t o f
t o r t i l l a . "Who d o e s n ' t want a t t e n t i o n o r a f f e c t i o n . "

C a r l o s p e e r e d a t me a g a i n . "The r e a l q u e s t i o n i s , " he s a i d , "who

is w i l l i n g t o give it? I have a f r i e n d , who e v e r y morning opens t l i s

bedroom window and y e l l s , 'Does anyone o u t t h e r e l o v e me?' a t the top

of h i s lungs. Uf c o u r s e , he h a t e s h i s w i f e and everyone around him.

But he wants u n c o n d i t i o n a l l o v e h i m s e l f . "

1 U1
 "You probably t h i n k t h a t I n e v e r e a t r i c e because I want a t t e n -
t i o n o r perhaps l o v e , " I mumbled s e l f c o n s c i o u s l y .
" I w o u l d n ' t know." he s a i d . "You t e l l me."

He looked a t me i n such a way I had t o a v e r t my e y e s . Love, t o

me, was a d e l i c a t e s u b j e c t I d i d n ' t c a r e t o d i s c u s s .

'By t h e way, do you e a t c o r n ? " Carlos asked.

'Yhe way he s a i d i t make be think he was trying to a s s e s s my

p s y c h o l o g i c a l p r o f i l e by means o t tood products.

' I have nothing against corn. In t a c t , i t ' s my t a v o r i t e veg-
e t a b l e , " I s a i d e x a g g e r a t i n g my f e r v o r .

"Then l e t ' s have some p i e made o u t o t sweetened corn."

When i t a r r i v e d I took a b i t e . Although I had n e v e r e a t e n corn
a s a d e s e r t , I had t o a d m i t , t h e p i e was d e l i c i o u s
After Carlos paid t h e w a i t e r , he suggested we t a k e i n a movie. I
was t o o e x c i t e d t o s l e e p , s o l a g r e e d , even though I assumed the film
would be i n S p a n i s h , t h e r e b y , d i f f i c u l t f o r me t o u n d e r s t a n d .
Several blocks from t h e r e s t a u r a n t was t h e t h e a t e r , a l t h o u g h i t
d i d n o t look l i k e t h e movie t h e a t e r s I was accustomed t o s e e i n g i n t h e
United S t a t e s t h a t had a marquis of f l a s h i n g neon l i g h t s . I t was an

o r d i n a r y Spanish s t y l e b u i l d i n g , w i t h s e v e r a l p o s t e r s on t h e f r o n t of
i t and a s m a l l window t o r a box o t t i c e . 1 could t e l l from t h e p o s t e r s
t h a t t h e coming a t t r a c t i o n s i n c l u d e d a film with C h a r l e s ttronsen and

another w i t h Cantintias.
"You're i n tor a real treat," Carlos s a i d . "They're showing a
kung t u movie. You t o l d me you had s t u d i e d m a r t i a l a r t s . "
I was r e l i e v e d t o r i n martial art movies one didn't have t o
u n d e r s t a n d t h e language. The a c t i o n spoke t o r i t s e l t .
102
 I t was d a r k when we e n t e r e d the theater, trom t h e buzz of t h e
p e o p l e , I sensed the room was packed. When our eyes had become

accustomed t o t h e d a r k . C a r l o s Led us t o a back row where we found two

empty s e a t s . I was a c u t e l y aware o t the smells around me. Someone
behind me was coughing h e a v i l y . He must have been d r i n k i n g t o o , t o r I

sensed t h e d i s t i n c t odor o t a l c o h o l coming from t h a t d i r e c t i o n . Worse

y e t , t h e r e was t h e s m e l l o t s t a l e u r i n e emanating trom t h e back row.

The f e a t u r e had j u s t begun. I t was a Bruce Lee f i l m daubed i n

Spanish. rils daubed v o i c e d i d n ' t sound a t a l l like Bruce L e e ' s own
v o i c e , which was a b i t screechy, e s p e c i a l l y , when he went i n t o h i s

vocal gyrations during h i s f i g h t i n g routines. The daubed v o i c e was a

deep baritone, very grutt, titting t h e rtexican image o t a kung f u

t i g h t e r . But I soon grew accustomed to the v o i c e and t h e o d o r s , and
was c a p t i v a t e d by t h e a c t i o n .
Bruce Lee was going t h r o u g h h i s e l a b o r a t e nunchacku r o u t i n e . The
audience yelled, cheered, geared and whistled unabashedly a s he
whipped t h e nunchaku under h i s arm w i t h i m p r e s s i v e speed. I c o u l d t e l l
t h a t t h e m a j o r i t y o f t h e a u d i e n c e was male, but t h e r e were a few women

in the group, because t h e i r heads were l e a n i n g a g a i n s t t h e i r compan-

i o n ' s s h o u l d e r . I surmised t h e y were young c o u p l e s o u t on d a t e s .
Weapons were something my p u r i s t J a p a n e s e i n s t r u c t o r s would t e a c h
only t o male s t u d e n t s . When I had asked my k a r a t e t e a c h e r , why I

c o u l d n ' t s t u d y weapons j u s t l i k e h i s male s t u d e n t s , he t o o k my i n t o

his private o f f i c e and c a r e f u l l y e x p l a i n e d t o me t h e t r u e meaning of

Karate. The c h a r a c t e r ' K a r a , ' means 'empty' he s a i d , where as 'te'

means tist or hand. Thus, the essence o t k a r a t e i s empty hand

f i g h t i n g w i t h no weapons. He made it clear that I should d e d i c a t e

1 O-t
myself t o l e a r n i n g t h e e s s e n c e o t k a r a t e , and n o t worry a b o u t l e a r n i n g

weapons, which w e r e n ' t t h a t useful i n a woman's hands i n the f i r s t

place.

"The body is a weapon," he had s a i d . " I t i s a weapon o t t h e

h i g h e s t o r d e r . P e r f e c t it and you w i l l be i n control o t any s i t u a -
tion. "

"What i t I ' m walking down a dark a l l e y and I ' m a t t a c k e d by a

bunch o t t h u g s ? " I asked. " W i l l I be a b l e t o d e t e n d myselt t h e n ? "

"Why would you even t h i n k o t walking down a d a r k a l l e y ? " he s a i d .

'The t i r s t rule ot a martial artist is t o avoid t r o u b l e before it
b e g i n s . " He n e v e r t o l d me how t h a t was done because I ' m s u r e he d i d n ' t
know. But when I had asked M r . Abelar, "How do you a v o i d t r o u b l e
Detore i t begins?" he had r e p l i e d , "Your e n e r g e t i c body w i l l t e l l you
were t h e r e i s trouble. I t ' s possible t o -
s e e w i t h your e n e r g e t i c body
what goes on around you. R e c a p i t u l a t e , and l e t the seer w i t h i n your
emerge and come t o your r e s c u e . " He added t h a t s o r c e r e r s who t r a i n
the energetic body o r double, a r e able t o go through walls or t l y
through t h e a i r and do a l l s o r t s o t t h i n g s t h e p h y s i c a l body c o u l d n ' t
do.

Bruce Lee l e t o u t one o t h i s s t y l i z e d ,y e l p s a s he i n c a p a c i t a t e d a

pack ot chugs with a series ot pertectly place f l y i n g kicks. 1

promised m y s e l f , t h a t upon r e t u r n i n g t o Los Angeles, I would begin a

regime ot daily martial art practice. And I would resume r e c a p i -

t u l a t i n g and I w a s n ' t going t o s l o u g h o f f on t h e sorcery passes Clara

had t a u g h t me e i t h e r . I would make time t o do them. I wanted more than
anything t o r t h e -
s e e r i n my t o awake.
 I t e l t a d r a f t on my neck. I thought t h e y must have t u r n e d on t h e

air conditioning full blast, although I didn't hear any motors

running. I g l a n c e d up t o s e e i t any t a n s were g o i n g , but a i l I saw was

a uniformly black ceiling painted w i t h w h i t e s t r e a k s and some a i r
conditioning ducts. Someone r e a l l y messed up t h e cei,ling w i t h spray
p a i n t was my t h o u g h t . I r e t u r n e d my a t t e n t i o n t o t h e movie. But t h e

d r a f t d i d n ' t stop.

F i n a l l y I leaned over t o Carlos. "I d o n ' t suppose we c o u l d change

seats," I whispered. "The air conditioner i s blowing r i g h t on my

neck. "

"Guaymas g e t s p r e t t y windy a t n i g h t , " he s a i d n o t t a k i n g h i s eyes

of t h e move.
"Windy? What wind?"
I looked up a g a i n and e x p e r i e n c e d a moment o t t o t a l p e r c e p t u a l
dissonance. I s u d d e n l y saw w e were s i t t i n g o u t i n t h e open and what I
had t h o u g h t was a p e r f e c t l y smooth s u r f a c e w i t h specks o t p a i n t , was
t h e s k y ; t h e p a i n t were clumps of clouds, and the air d u c t s were

shadows o t t r e e s . I t was a s i t some f o r c e had come and l i f t e d o f f t h e

roof w h i l e I was w a t c h i n g t h e movie. I f e l t my stomach s i n k a s when.

riding a fast moving elevator; simultaneously t h e t o p o r my head

expand upward, i n an acute physical distortion. I grabbed o n t o

Carlos' arm tor support, tor I felt some p a r t o t me was shooing

s t r a i g h t up and I was a s c e n d i n g o u t o t t h e t h e a t e r i n t o t h e a i r .
" T h e r e ' s no r o o t , " I whispered. "We're o u t i n t h e open!''
C a r l o s t u r n e d t o me and s a i d , "I thought you knew t h a t when we
came it."

'now was I supposed t o know t h a t . It was d a r k when w e came i n . "

 1 f e l t d i s g u s t e d w i t h myself a t being caught unawares a f t e r I had

agreed t o be more a t t e n t i v e , and ridiculous f o r n o t having n o t i c e d

such an obvious tact as a m i s s i n g c e i l i n g . I knew i n s p i t e of my

r e c a p i t u l a t i o n , 1 s t i l l took e v e r y t h i n g f o r g r a n t e d . Unless something

actually h i t me on t h e head, I d i d n ' t n o t i c e it. I blamed my t o t a l
s t u p o r on my l a z y middle c l a s s u p b r i n g i n g . Having gone t o C a t h o l i c
schools, I was t r a i n e d t o obey a u t h o r i t y w i t h o u t q u e s t i o n . My e n t i r e

l i f e had been based on a c c e p t i n g dogma, on having f a i t h i n t h e world

around me w i t h o u t e v e r t h i n k i n g , e x p l o r i n g o r q u e s t i o n i n g my surround-
ings.
C l a r a h a d warned me o t t h i s c o n d i t i o n s h o r t l y a f t e r she had p u t

me t o recapitulate. She had s a i d I had a s l u g g i s h e n e r g e t i c body, i n

f a c t , one t h a t was t o t a l l y a s l e e p .
"Your v a l u e s were handed t o you Dy your p a r e n t s , t h e s c h o o l s you
went t o , the culture i n which you l i v e , and by t h e f o r c e o t r e a s o n
i t s e l t , which makes you powerless t o move away from t h e e x p e c t e d , " s h e
had s a i d . "Unless you r e c a p i t u l a t e your l i f e , you w i l l l i v e and d i e
t h e way your p a r e n t s d i d . You d o n ' t have co look any f u r t h e r t h a n your
f a m i l y t o know what i s w a i t i n g t o r you."

Her words had g i v e n me a tremendous j o l t because t o r e p e a t my

p a r e n t s l i v e s was t h e l a s t t h i n g I wanted t o do. Yet i n s p i t e ot the
recapitulation, a mysterious f o r c e was s t i l l making me p e r c e i v i n g i n
terms o t g i v e n mold. A l l t h e a t e r s a c c o r d i n g t o my p a s t e x p e r i e n c e had

had r o o t s on them, s o t h e p r e s e n t one could be no e x c e p t i o n . 1 didn't

know what had made me suddenly r e a l i z e t h a t my assumption was f a u l t y .

P e r h a p s , t h e same f o r c e t h a t had made me p u t a r o o t o v e r my head, now,
allowed me t o s e e t h a t t h e r e was no r o o t t h e r e . That was the mysteri-
ous f o r c e o r i n t e n t t h a t phenomenologists a n a l y z e and which s o r c e r e r s

t r y t o a l t e r and d i s r u p t through t h e i r p r a c t i c e s .
According t o t h e phenomenologists, I had fleshed out perception,
and g i v e n i t a s p a c i a l and temporal congruency. P e r c e p t i o n came r e a d y
made. A l l one had t o do was t o l e a r n c e r t a i n c a t e g o r i e s as a c h i l d and
t h e world was t h e r e i n f r o n t of o n e ' s eyes c o n s i s t e n t and complete and

unchangeable. I t i s up t o t h e s o r c e r e r s t o show u s t h a t t h a t c e r t a i n t y

is n o t a i l that there i s t o t h e world. That i t i s p o s s i b l e t o a l t e r

p e r c e p t i o n , t o break o u t of i t s bounds and t o c r e a t e a different, yet
s t i l l consistent reality.

I had once asked C l a r a why t h e l a y o u t o i h e r house d i d n ' t seem

s t a b l e but s h i f t i n g k e p t depending on form where one observed it.
" I t ' s the sorcerer's intent t h a t has constructed t h e house and
has imbued it with power. It i s p e r m i t t e d w i t h a s p e c i a l kind of
energy c a p a b l e o i t r a n s f o r m i n g i t trom an o r d i n a r y house i n t o a place
ot power. Perhaps, one day, you w i l l c o n s t r u c t your own house and
p l a c e i n it t h a t s p e c i a l inconceivable s o r c e r e r s ' i n t e n t . "
' I w o u l d n ' t know how t o do t h a t , C l a r a , " I s a i d . "I d o n ' t have

any power."
She laughed and said everyone has the power t o stop t h e i r

s t u p i d i t y and i n d u l g e n c e , but t h a t some p e o p l e a r e t o o l a z y or afraid

to use it. Once one moves away trom t h e s e l f by p r a c t i c i n g t h e

r e c a p i t u l a t i o n and t h e s o r c e r y p a s s e s and quieting the internal dia-

logue, one can intrinsically become something else. J u s t as the
s o r c e r e r s ' house had become something else under the powerful and
impeccable i n t e n t of t h o s e beings t h a t l i v e i n i t .
 I t was c l e a r trom h e r words t h a t f o r s o r c e r e r s , p e r c e p t i o n h e l d
a d i f f e r e n t kind of i n t e n t i o n a l i t y ; t h a t d i f f e r e n t premises were used

from t h e ones governing our e v e r y day l i f e . I n a s o r c e r e r ' s house, a

waL1 c o u l d d i s a p p e a r , o r perhaps a r o o f could t l y o f f , o r a door t h a t

wasn't t h e r e b e f o r e could suddenly open. I t would a l l be congruent

w i t h t h e s o r c e r e r ' s way o t p e r c e i v i n g , with his energetic configura-

tion, which was lightness and fluidity itself. The b a r r i e r s of
p e r c e p t i o n were n o t r i g i d :

I r e t u r n e d my a t t e n t i o n t o t h e tilm. My body was a d j u s t i n g t o

t h e new p a r a m e t e r s of my environment. Rather t h a n f e e l i n g cooped up i n

a s t u t f y theater with the a i r conditioning blasting, I felt that the

expanse above me was e n d l e s s . The a i r was t r e s h and t h e odors t h a t had

been s o stifling betore, had completely vanished. P e r c e p t i o n was

.'I indeed a l i m i t l e s s , mysterious affair. For o u t of t h e b i l l i o n s of

p o s s i b i l i t i e s t h a t e x i s t i n t h e u n i v e r s e , man i s o l a t e s o n l y a few. I t
is his ability to select and isolate that g i v e s him a s e n s e of
s e c u r i t y , reduces d i s s o n a n c e , and enables him to live in what he
b e l i e v e s i s a r e l a t i v e l y s a t e environment where d e a t h has no immediate
p l a c e . Yet t o move away trom t h e known, one must a s t h e phenomenolo-
g i s t s do, q u e s t i o n ones basic taken t o r g r a n t e d ways of p e r c e i v i n g .

But t o q u e s t i o n t h e certainty ot one's own reality, one needs a

minimal chance t o perceive it d i f f e r e n t l y . Unly t h e n might one l e a r n
something t h a t one d i d n ' t a l r e a d y know; or see something o n e h a d n ' t

already seen.
I realized then, that what C l a r a and f i m i l i t o had t r i e d t o t e a c h

me, was a new way o t perceiving with t h e body; a way i n which t h e

! personal or psychological self did n o t t a k e precedence. Countless

1 ua
t i m e s , t h e y had t r i e d to make me cognizant that there a r e other

p o s s i b i l i t i e s or p e r c e p t i o n open t o u s , p o s s i b i l i t i e s n o t i n c l u d e d i n
our normal every day understanding o t t h e world. They had i n s i s t e d
t h a t by means o t a thorough r e c a p i t u l a t i o n o t o n e ' s l i f e , one could
empty t h e warehouse o t o n e ' s t a m i l i a r i t e m s , and v e n t u r e i n t o u n c h a r t -
ed t e r r a i n . L e t t i n g go o t t h e known and h a b i t u a l was t h e k e y , t h e y had

s a i d . S t o r i n g energy t o move, was t h e means.

' O t what do I l e t go?" I k e p t i n s i s t i n g .

'Of your e x p e c t a t i o n s . , of what o t h e r s e x p e c t of you, i n s h o r t of

e v e r y t h i n g you a r e , was o r hope t o b e , " C l a r a had r e p l i e d . ".Let go and

a l l o w t h e energy t o work d i r e c t l y on your s e n s e s , w i t h o u t i n t e r p r e t i n g
and t h i n k i n g w i t h your puny mind. I t you have t o i n t e r p r e t , t h e n u s e
t h e s o r c e r e r s ' way, which i s t o make your c a t e g o r i e s , t h e n throw them
away. "

" T e l l me C l a r a , what e x a c t l y i s a s o r c e r e r ? " I had asked.

'A sorcerer is someone who through d i s c i p l i n e and c o n s e r v i n g

energy i s a b l e t o p e r c e i v e more t h a n t h e everyday w o r l d , " s h e r e p l i e d .
G r a d u a l l y , i t became c l e a r t o me t h a t s o r c e r e r s had t h e i r own way
of p e r c e i v i n g and i n t e r p r e t i n g . The i n t e n t s e t up by a l o n g l i n e of
s
,
s o r c e r e r s , each a d d i n g t o i t h i s own power, h i s own u n d e r s t a n d i n g , h i s

own p e r s o n a l explanations, led t o an a l t e r n a t e r e a l i t y , j u s t as r e a l

and p r e d i c t a b l e a s t h e one i n t o which we were born. One had t o u s e

sorcery t o understand perception, then a p p l y i t s t e c h n i q u e s t o break

t h e b a r r i e r s t h a t keep us imprisoned.
"But a r e we forever condemned to explain and interpret the
world?" I asked.
 C l a r a shook h e r head. "No. F i n a l l y one a r r i v e s a t t h e p o i n t where
n o e x p l a n a t i o n i s needed o r could ever be given. There, one s t o p s
t h i n k i n g and s i l e n t l y immerses o n e s e l f i n t h e mystery t h a t surrounds

us. "
 7

Vicam S t a t i o n

I had not s l e p t w e l l . The dreams I had were s o v i v i d t h a t t h e y

could have a c t u a l l y happened. I woke up f e e l i n g exhausted f o r I had

been w a l k i n g over h i l l y terrain a l l n i g h t . Over b r e a k t a s t , I asked

C a r l o s t o t e l l me where we were going and what I was t o e x p e c t upon

getting there.

'All I can say is that I'm going t o t a k e you t o meet some

p e o p l e , " he s a i d m a t t e r of f a c t l y . "And t h e r e i s no way of knowing

what t o e x p e c t when we g e t t o t h e p a r t y because power i s u n p r e d i c t -

able. "

' T h e p a r t y ? What kind o t p a r t y ? "

"A g a t h e r i n g , a t i e s t a , " C a r l o s s a i d a s he s i g n a l e d t h e waitress

t o r t h e check.

"In t h a t c a s e I ' d b e t t e r change i n t o something more s u i t a b l e , " I

t o l d him.

While C a r l o s p a i d t h e check, I h u r r i e d back t o my room t o change.

The o n l y d r e s s y c l o t h e s i n my t r a v e l bag were a b e i g e l i n e n s k i r t and

a s l e e v e l e s s s i l k b l o u s e , I had purchased w i t h t h e money N e l i d a had

l e f t me. I had p u t t h e garments i n t h e bag a t t h e l a s t moment w i t h no

thought of e v e r wearing them. Now I p u t them on q u i c k l y and hurried

out the door. C a r l o s was s t a n d i n g by t h e c a r checking t h e c o o l a n t

under t h e hood.

111
 "Where e x a c t l y i s t h i s p a r t y ? " I asked t r y i n g t o keep a l i d on my
excitement.
' I n the Yaqui town of Bacum," he s a i d c l o s i n g t h e hood w i t h a

bang. "As I t o l d you, I want you to meet some people I ' v e been
a s s o c i a t e d with. They a r e having a s m a l l g a t h e r i n g i n your honor."
"My honor? But I ' v e n e v e r met them, have I ? "

"No, you h a v e n ' t . But t h e y a r e anxious t o meet you."

"Why? D i d you t e l l them about me? When did you s e e them?"

We had not l e t t each o t h e r ' s company s i n c e we had c r o s s e d t h e

b o r d e r . Unless Carlos had s l i p p e d o u t of h i s room d u r i n g the night,
there was no way he could have met anyone. Perhaps someone had

t e l e p h o n e d o r s e n t him a message. A strange a g i t a t i o n p o s s e s s e d me.

The o n l y people I knew i n Mexico were C l a r a , Melida and M r . A b e l a r ,
and of c o u r s e E m i l i t o , who I w a s c e r t a i n was n o t one t o a t t e n d social
gatherings.

' I can't wait t o meet them," I said e x c i t e d l y . "Do I l o o k a l -

right?"
C a r l o s scanned me from head t o two. " D o n ' t you have some p r o p e r

walking shoes?"
"I c a n ' t wear h i k i n g boots w i t h t h i s o u t f i t , " I s a i d . " I t would
r u i n t h e look."

I r e a l i z e d t h a t I was going to great lengths to impress t h e

people I was going t o meet, t o the e x t e n t of wearing uncomfortable
d r e s s s a n d a l s . But I wanted t o l o o k e l e g a n t , n o t a s though I had been

trekKing i n the desert w i t h one o u t f i t t o my name.. Besides, Carlos

had s t i p u l a t e d t h a t t h e p a r t y was i n someone's house and t h a t w e were

g o i n g t o d r i v e t h e r e . I d i d n ' t s e e t o o much walking on t h e agenda.

112
 "Alright then, l e t ' s go," Carlos said. I got i n t h e c a r , trying

h a r d n o t t o w r i n k l e my s k i r t .
We drove o u t o t Guaymas t h e n headed s o u t h e a s t towards t h e Yaqui
towns. I t was obvious t h a t C a r l o s had d r i v e n on Mexican roads many
t i m e s , t o r t h e c a r hugged t h e road a s he n e g o t i a t e d t h e curves i n an
e x p e r t manner. N e v e r t h e l e s s , e v e r y time t h e road d i s a p p e a r e d around a

bend, I h e l d my b r e a t h hoping t h a t we would n o t be s u r p r i s e d by an on-

coming t r u c k o r bus p a s s i n g i n o u r l a n e . P l a c e d a l o n g t h e r o a d s i d e , a s
a c o n s t a n t reminder of a t r a g i c mishap, were wooden c r o s s e s o r s h r i n e s

with wilted f l o w e r s marking the spot where a c a r had gone off t h e

r o a d , o r t h e r e had been a c o l l i s i o n , o r a person had a c c i d e n t a l l y been
r u n down. To my d i s t r e s s , t h e s e morbid memorials were d i s t u r b i n g l y
numerous.
, : We came t o a s m a l l town made up of a c l u s t e r of adobe houses w i t h

doors opening into dark rooms that looked l i k e caves. I n an open

c o u r t y a r d d e l i n e a t e d w i t h cane f e n c e s , I spotted a f a t w h i t e chicken
taunted by two smaller reddish hens. Next t o a house was a r u s t
covered c a r w i t h no w h e e l s , t h e remnants o t an a c c i d e n t , and h a v i n g
been abandoned t h e r e , was n e v e r moved a g a i n .
" I s t h i s one o t t h e Yaqui town?" I asked.
'No, t h i s i s Bmpalme. The Yaqui towns a r e f u r t h e r ahead. Bacum,

where we a r e headed, i s one o t t h e E i g h t Pueblos r e g a r d e d by t h e Yaqui

a s being l o c a t e d on s a c r e d ground. The Rahum c h r o n i c l e s l i s t s them a s

h a v i n g been e s t a b l i s h e d b e f o r e t h e coming of t h e S p a n i a r d s . "

"What i s t h e Rahum c h r o n i c l e s ? ?
" I t is a l i s t of Memorable Dates i n Yaqui h i s t o r y . According t o
,
.> the chronical, there were four great men who c a l l e d t h e people

113
 t o g e t h e r and l e d them around t h e boundaries of Yaqui c o u n t r y . They
went t o Cabora on t h e Cocoraqui a r r o y o , from t h e r e t o Takalaim, t h e
peak j u s t n o r t h of Guaymas. A s they went a l o n g t h e boundary they

preached and sang with t h e p e o p l e , t h u s , e s t a b l i s h i n g t h e boundary

l i n e of Yaqui T e r r i t o r y . A f t e r t h a t , t h e y founded t h e E i g h t Pueblos.

Singing of t h e Boundary and e s t a b l i s h i n g t h e towns sometime i n t h e

remote p a s t i s t h e solemn b e l i e f about the origin of their tribal

territory."

'What a r e t h e o t h e r seven towns?" I asked.

'Cocorit, Vicam, Torim, Potam, Kahum, Huirivis, and Belem,"
C a r l o s s a i d . "They were s i t u a t e d a l o n g t h e lower s i x t y miles o t the
Yaqui Kiver. But d u r i n g t h e l a t e n i n e t e e n t h c e n t u r y , t h e main channel

of t h e Yaqui Kiver below Potam shitted sharply and .Belem was L e t t

' completely w i t h o u t w a t e r , and t h e w a t e r s u p p l y t o H u i r i v i s and Kahum

was s e v e r e l y c u r t a i l e d . "
W h a t happened t o t h e p e o p l e i n t h e s e p l a c e s ? "
"They had t o r e l o c a t e elsewhere. Many were given l a n d by t h e
p e o p l e of Potam, o t h e r s moved t o Empalme o r s t a r t e d new s e t t l e m e n t s .

But w i t h t h e s t e a d y encroachment o t Mexicans i n t o t h e i r l a n d s , most of

t h e Yaquis have l e f t t h e o r i g i n a l s i t e s , such a s Bacum, and have s e t
up new v i l l a g e s elsewhere o f t e n w i t h t h e same name. The same t h i n g
happened i n Vicam. A new v i l l a g e c e n t e r , c a l l e d Vicam S t a t i o n was

e s t a b l i s h e d on t h e r a i l r o a d i n Vicam t e r r i t o r y . However, t h e majority

of t h e p e o p l e now l i v i n g t h e r e a r e Mexicans."
We passed another settlement, more c l u s t e r s o t low, f l a t roofed
adobe houses' surrounded by cane fences held in place w i t h crooked
, posts. A fat women w i t h a shawl o v e r h e r head, s t o o d i n a doorway,

114
 watching t h e cars passing on t h e highway. Next t o t h e house were a
p a i r o t d u s t y g r e y donkeys t e t h e r e d i n a small c o r r a l with a sloping
ramada. An o l d man, who could b a r e l y make i t up t h e h i l l was pushing
a t o u r wheel c a r t t u l l o t manure. hisewhere a group ot men were
standing near t h e road s i d e a s i t w a i t i n g f o r a bus o r t r u c k t o come
a l o n g and p i c k them up and t a k e them t o Guaymas. They waved a t us a s

we passed. A mangy dog barked and r a n a t t e r t h e c a r a s we slowed down

t o r a c u r v e , t h e n we speeded up and l e f t the dog b i t i n g a cloud of

dust .-
Around noon, Carlos turned ott the main highway o n t o a w e l l
packed d i r t r o a d . We drove through the heat and dust to a small
cluster ot adobe houses p l a c e d i n a haphazard f a s h i o n w i t h no r e g u l a r

block o r s t r e e t p l a n . Some o t t h e houses had c o r r u g a t e d t i n r o o f s w i t h

~, .. .
I adobe w a l l s . They were l i n e d up one a g a i n s t t h e o t h e r i n a group of

f o u r o r f i v e room additions that would a l l o w a n extended family t o

l i v e together. Sometimes a cane f e n c e s h u t them o f f c o m p l e t e l y from

t h e i r neighbors.
' I s t h i s where t h e Yaqui I n d i a n s live?" I asked r o l l i n g up my
window s o t h e d u s t w o u l d n ' t g e t i n t h e c a r .

Carlos pointed i n t h e opposite direction. "NO. The Yaqui I n d i a n s

l i v e on t h e o t h e r s i d e o i t h e highway behind t h o s e cane f e n c e s we saw

earlier as we drove up. The Mexicans, o r yorims a s t h e Yaqui c a l l

them, l i v e i n t h e s e houses."

C a r l o s s a i d t h a t Mexican houses in Vicam Station were b e t t e r

b u i l t than t h o s e on the other side ot t h e main highway. These had
cement f l o o r s . , some e l e c t r i c i t y , and f a m i l i e s owned t e l e v i s i o n s e t s ,
r a d i o s , b i c y c l e s and sometimes even a c a r o r t r u c k .

115
 "What about t h e Yaqui I n d i a n s ? How do they l i v e ? " I asked.
"Their houses have d i r e f l o o r s , no e l e c t r i c i t y and t h e y have t o
b r i n g i n w a t e r from the wells or irrigation ditches in f i v e gallon

g a s o l i n e cans ," C a r l o s r e p l i e d .
"Even h e r e i t seems t h a t i t ' s important t o be born on t h e r i g h t
s i d e o t t h e highway," 1 s a i d . "The e n t i r e world i s divided i n t o t h e

' h a v e ' s ' and t h e 'have n o t ' s ' . "

Carlos said that demarcations and comparisons were u n i v e r s a l ;

t h a t t h e r e were always p e o p l e who had and t h o s e t h a t d i d n ' t , no m a t t e r
how poor t h e y were.
"Dichotomies a r e a part of t h e human c o n d i t i o n , " he e x p l a i n e d .
"They a r e b u i l t i n t o l a n g u a g e , which i s based on c o n t r a s t and opposi-
t i o n . Like day and n i g h t , male and female."
.I "Hotdogs and hamburgers," I added.

He gave me a q u i z z i c a l look. I t o l d C a r l o s t h a t a s c h i l d r e n on

h o t summer d a y s , my b r o t h e r s and 1 used t o run through t h e s p r i n k l e r s

naked. They would tease me saying that I d i d n ' t have a h o t dog
appendage t h e way t h e y had. They s a i d mine looked l i k e a hamburger.

When I insisted that hamburgers were better than hot dogs, they

immediately demonstrated t h e c o n t r a r y by peeing i n p e r f e c t a r c s . When

I tried tutily to do the same, t h e y laughed because I could o n l y

t i n k l e s t r a i g h t down.
"They had convinced me t h a t I was born w i t h o u t something e s s e n -
tial," I t o l d Carlos, " t h a t I was d e f i c i e n t , and t h a t f e e l i n g dogged
me t o r t h e r e s t o t my l i t e . I t e l t cheated t o r n o t having been born a
male. "
 "Hot dogs aren't any better than hamburgers," Carlos said
laughing. "You have been t o o l e d by the authority and c e r t a i n t y t h a t
males have as children t h a t they a r e s u p e r i o r by v i r t u e o t t h e f a c t

t h a t they a r e desired by t h e i r p a r e n t s whereas females u s u a l l y a r e

not. Males depart trom a more p r i v i l e g e d p o s i t i o n , but we a r e n o t
i n t r i n s i c a l l y superior."
I remembered C l a r a a s s u r i n g me o t t h e same f a c t . "The womb i s t h e

giver ot lite," she had said. 'It can c r e a t e , be a s o u r c e o t

s t r e n g t h , move t h i n g s and make t h i n g s happen. You're a f o o l t o b l i n d l y

accept a position ot i n t e r i o r i t y without q u e s t i o n . Why n o t a c c e p t a

p o s i t i o n of s t r e n g t h and c o n f i d e n c e i n s t e a d . The womb can g i v e you a l l
t h a t and more. I t i s the organ o t l i t e i t s e l f . "
A group o t children ran a t t e r the car playfully hurling small
\,
r o c k s a t i t . C a r l o s parked i n front ot a house with a blue c u r t a i n
covering t h e entrance. I n s t a n t l y , young boys crowded around t h e c a r

s t r o k i n g i t and k i c k i n g the tires. Others kept t h e i r d i s t a n c e and

watched wide eyed a s we s t e p p e d o u t o t t h e c a r .
"Is t h i s where t h e p a r t y is?" I asked a v o i d i n g t h e eyes o f t h e

children.
C a r l o s shook h i s head. "No, but 1 have t o pay my respects to
some t r i e n d s , f i r s t . They've always been v e r y kind t o me."
A woman wearing a w h i t e embroidered b l o u s e and a long f a d e d b l u e
s k i r t and maroon apron came o u t t o g r e e t u s . Her s k i n was brown and

smooth, and h e r eyes were s h i n y , b l a c k , and f r i e n d l y . Carlos i n t r o -

duced h e r a s dona Mercedes, who smiled warmly as she g r a s p e d my hand
in a tirm handshake. She pulled t h e c u r t a i n a s i d e and i n v i t e d us
i n s i d e h e r home. The room was semi d a r k , t h e w a l l s were o t s t u c c o and
 t h e cement f l o o r had been r e c e n t l y swept w i t h w a t e r . I was s u r p r i s e d

how c o o l i t was. A reddish c u r t a i n , tacked t o t h e window, gave t h e

room a mellow glow. The c u r t a i n f l u t t e r e d i n t h e breeze and l e t l i g h t

through a s i t billowed away from t h e window.

Through an open doorway, I could s e e an iron c o t , l i k e t h e ones

l i n e d up i n army b a r r a c k s . A c h e s t - o t - d r a w s w i t h an a l t e r on t o p s t o o d

n e x t t o t h e bed. I saw a c r u c i f i x draped w i t h a rosary and a p i c t u r e

o t Our Lady o t Guadalupe. Leaning a g a i n s t i t was a photograph o t a

young man. The s h r i n e was t l a n k e d w i t h f l o w e r s and two lighted white

votive candies. All I c o u l d t h i n k w a s t h a t somebody had r e c e n t l y

d i e d . For i t looked l i k e a s h r i n e t o t h e memory ot a departed tamily

member.

We s a t down on a maroon s o f a t h a t had l o s t most of i t s s t u f f i n g .

I I k e p t s i n k i n g i n deeper u n t i l I h i t a hard board. The s p r i n g s were

poking my bottom uncomtortably but I thought i t would be i m p o l i t e t o

s t a n d up and s i t elsewhere. Two g i r l s around e i g h t and t e n , from time

t o time poked t h e i r heads i n t o t h e room from behind t h e blue c u r t a i n ,

and l e t o u t exuberant giggles. Carlos stopped h i s conversation with

dona Mercedes long enough t o p l a y peek-a-boo w i t h t h e g i r l s . Then t h e

h o s t e s s s a i d something t o C a r l o s i n r a p i d Spanish I could n o t f o l l o w .

"Dona Mercedes s a y s Benny should be back any moment," Carlos

s a i d . "He j u s t went t o t h e s t o r e t o buy sodas."

"Did he know we were coming?" I asked.

"Someone had seen t h e c a r oil Liic iie

i.'~~i.;," r e p l i e d , "so h e knew

we would be s t o p p i n g by h i s house t h e way I always do."

I was e a g e r t o meet Benny, dona rtercedes' youngest son. C a r l o s

had s a i d he was in his m i d twenties and t h a t sometimes when he d i d

. .
f i e l d w o r k i n Vicam, he s t a y e d i n t h e back room which Benny occupied

when he was not away c o n s t r u c t i n g i r r i g a t i o n d i t c h e s f o r t h e huge

c o o p e r a t i v e farms owned by t h e Mexican government. His older brother,

Kaul, had recently died in a landslide while dynamiting t o b u i l d a

t u n n e l through a h i l l .

' I s t h i s t h e Benny who wants t h e shower?" I whispered t o C a r l o s .

Carlos nodded. On our d r i v e from Guaymas, h e had t o l d me a s t o r y

about a f r i e n d of h i s whose dream was t o l i v e i n t h e United S t a t e s . He

s a i d t h a t e v e r y t i m e he v i s i t e d h i s house, Benny begged C a r l o s t o h i d e

him i n t h e t r u n k of h i s c a r and smuggle him a c r o s s t h e b o r d e r . C a r l o s

had always r e f u s e d , but t h i s d i d n o t h i n g t o impede t h e i r f r i e n d s h i p .

Benny had f e l t f a t e had d e a l t him a h a r s h blow f o r a l l o w i n g him

t o be born on t h e wrong s i d e of t h e Kio Bravo. E s p e c i a l l y when h i s

mother, who w h i l e pregnant w i t h him, had been visiting relatives in

Tucson, could have had h e r c h i l d t h e r e , t h e r e b y making him a c i t i z e n

of t h e United S t a t e s . He was constantly talking about going n o r t h ,

b o a s t i n g t h a t he had made i t t o Arizona t w i c e , b u t had been caught and

d e p o r t e d . Benny knew what k i n d ot cars Americans drove; the large

houses they lived in, and he had even been i n t h e w e l l - s t o c k e d

department s t o r e s i n Phoenix.

One day, coming home from working in the fields, Benny was

washing up i n the back o f h i s house over a w a t e r t r o u g h . He a g a i n

asked C a r l o s t o h i d e him i n t h e t r u n k of h i s c a r when he l e f t for the

United S t a t e s t h e flowing day.

"I'd give and arm and a l e g t o have a d e c e n t shower," Benny had

t o l d him.

11Y
 Carlos assured h i s friend t h a t although he c o u l d n ' t . t a k e him t o

t h e United S t a t e s , h i s second dream would be f u l f i l l e d : he would have

t h e shower of h i s dreams.

Benny looked s u r p r i s e d . " T h a t ' s i m p o s s i b l e , " he s a i d .

"No, r e a l l y , " C a r l o s had i n s i s t e d . "When I was a boy, I helped

my g r a n d t a t h e r b u i l d a shower on h i s tarm. I ' l l b u i l d one j u s t l i k e it

f o r you."

C a r l o s had d e s c r i b e d how he could connect a pipe t o t h e water

s t o r a g e tank in the back o t t h e house. With a s e r i e s of p u l l e y s and

with the h e l p of gravity, the w a t e r would run i n t o a smaller tank

outside the cooking a r e a . A c h a i n hooked up t o a p1ug;when released,

would allowed t h e w a t e r t o r u s h through a shower head w i t h enough

p r e s s u r e t o douse whoever s t o o d underneath. He would even b u i l d a cane

. . b a r r i e r t o r p r i v a c y and a l l o w t h e water t o be c o l l e c t e d i n a trough

below t o r r e c y c l i n g .

"You're crazy," Benny said after l i s t e n i n g t o Carlos' plans.

"What kind of shower i s t h a t . I may as well bathe i n the irrigation

ditch. "

C a r l o s a d m i t t e d t h a t he was stunned.

' I want a real shower w i t h t i l e w a l l s , a g l a s s door w i t h swans

engraved on i t l i k e I saw i n t h e "Home and Garden" magazine; and r e a l

plumbing w i t h h o t and c o l d w a t e r a l l y e a r around."

Carlos confessed t h a t it had n o t o c c u r r e d t o him t h a t t h a t was

what h i s f r i e n d had i n mind. He had t o admit t h a t Benny was r i g h t ;

such a shower was i m p o s s i b l e t o c o n s t r u c t where he l i v e d .

"Were you s t i l l f r i e n d s a f t e r t h a t ? " I had asked.

 "Yes, but the gifts I always brought w i t h me--the clothes t o r
h i s two s i s t e r s , t h e radios, the p o r t a b l e T.V. always seemed inade-
quate. "

Dona Mercedes' c u r t a i n opened and a t a l l s l i m young man w i t h a

winning s m i l e e n t e r e d , wearing American l e v i s , a 'black leather jacket

and a b a s e b a l l cap. He embraced C a r l o s by r e p e a t e d l y s l a p p i n g both

palms on h i s back. He g l a n c e d a t me s i t t i n g on the sofa t h e n smiled
shyly as we were i n t r o d u c e d . A f t e r exchanging a few E n g l i s h p h r a s e s ,

he seemed t o have exhausted his repertoire and the conversation

r e v e r t e d back t o Spanish.
Through an opening i n the curtain, I watched t h e g i r l s p l a y i n g
outside. A t one p o i n t DonaMercedes took me t o t h e back porch a r e a

covered by a ramada. It was a l s o t h e kitchen a r e a where food was

i
cooking i n huge aluminum p o t s o v e r a p i t lined with stones. To t h e
s i d e , I could s e e a w a t e r h o l d i n g tank. I s c r u t i n i z e d t h e a r e a w i t h my

c o n t r a c t o r ' s eye, wondering i f i t would be p o s s i b l e t o construct a

shower. There was adequate s p a c e , but of c o u r s e , no plumbing.
I thought of t h e b e a u t i f u l bathroom i n C l a r a ' s house, w i t h w a t e r

m y s t e r i o u s l y running under t h e floor. The w a t e r had been piped i n

from a n a t u r a l underground spring. Cut t h e r e was no r u n n i n g w a t e r
around Benny's house, e x c e p t t h e w a t e r from t h e w e l l , whose u s e was
r e s t r i c t e d and had t o be brought t o t h e house i n a bucket. I realized

t h a t t o b u i l d a shower i n Benny's house was an i m p o s s i b l e u n d e r t a k i n g .

t h e e n t i r e community would have t o be renovated.

After a p o l i t e i n t e r v a l , we g o t up and s a i d goodbye. Benny came

w i t h us t o accompany us p a r t of t h e way. He s a i d we needed him t o

g i v e us d i r e c t i o n s , f o r t h e roads were n o t marked and we c o u l d e a s i l y

121
 get lost i f we l e f t the highway. B e s i d e s , he t o o , wanted t o v i s i t
Bacum where h i s f a v o r i t e u n c l e l i v e d .
As we d r o v e , C a r l o s t a l k e d w i t h Benny i n t h e f r o n t s e a t . I could

t e l l C a r l o s was g e t t i n g n e r v o u s . His hands gripped t h e s t e e r i n g wheel

t i g h t l y as i t he were c l e n c h i n g h i s f i s t s . A t f i r s t I thought it was

because Senny had h i t c h e d a ride, but then I concluded i t was our

d e s t i n a t i o n t h a t made him nervous.

I , too, was ill a t ease. A f t e r a thorough r e c a p i t u l a t i o n , I

came t o t h e c o n c l u s i o n t h a t I was never fond of s o c i a l gatherings

because 1 was too stiff, too afraid of making a f o o l of myself.

L a t e r , I had a bonafide r e a s o n t o r not t o get entangled with people
and t h e i r enterprises. Both C l a r a and E m i l i t o had warned me n o t t o

f a l l prey t o t h e mesmeric commands governing s o c i a l i n t e r a c t i o n .

i
"The o n l y t h i n g a man i s a f t e r , " C l a r a had s a i d with her custo-
mary f r a n k n e s s , "is to maneuver a woman i n t o a p o s i t i o n where he can
l e a v e h i s luminous worms i n s i d e h e r body."
"What a r e you t a l k i n g a b o u t ? " I demanded.
C l a r a e x p l a i n e d t h a t d u r i n g t h e s e x a c t , a man l e a v e s h i s energy
inside a woman's body. These luminous worms, a s s h e had c a l l e d them,

by f e e d i n g o f f t h e energy of t h e woman, f o r c e h e r t o support h e r man

e n e r g e t i c a l l y a g a i n s t h e r w i l l o r h e r knowledge. S o r c e r e r s d o n ' t w a s t e

t h e i r s e x u a l energy, but s t o r e it t o be used f o r dreaming o r s t a l k i n g .

"Both of t h e s e a c t i v i t i e s t a k e enormous amounts of e n e r g y , " C l a r a

s a i d . "Our b a s i c energy i s o u r s e x u a l energy. So we must n o t d i s s i -

pated it i n a momentary exchange w i t h someone we d o n ' t g i v e a hoot

about. "

122
 She s a i d t h a t women a r e mesmerized by men on an e n e r g e t i c l e v e l .
Only by r e c a p i t u l a t i n g h e r l i f e , can a woman t r e e herself from t h e

burden of having t o continually place h e r energy a t t h e d i s p o s a l o t

men.
The c a r suddenly swerved onto a d i r t road, and n e a r l y c o l l i d e d

with a g i a n t s a g u a r o c a c t u s t h a t had f a l l e n o n t o i t s s i d e . From t h e n

on t h e r i d e was bumpy. I r o l l e d up t h e window s o t h e d u s t w o u l d n ' t g e t
i n t o t h e c a r and scanned t h e t e r r a i n through t h e i n s e c t s p o t t e d g l a s s .
I expected t o s e e a c o l o n i a l mansion l i k e C l a r a ' s , hidden among t h e

d e n s e shrubs and mesquite groves. But a l l I saw was a c l u s t e r of

h o u s e s m a d e o f sun d r i e d mud b r i c k , h e l d together with packed s t r a w ,
t h e t y p i c a l c o n s t r u c t i o n of t h e a r e a .
C a r l o s parked t h e c a r on a g r a v e l s h o u l d e r .
, ,
; ' I
. .. "Are w e h e r e ? " I asked lamely. "I d o n ' t s e e any p l a c e b i g enough

f o r a party."

'We have to let Benny o t f h e r e , " he s a i d . "This i s where h i s

uncle lives. "

We s a i d good bye and promised t o meet a g a i n t h e n e x t day t o look

f o r P a s c o l a masks C a r l o s wanted t o donate t o t h e U n i v e r s i t y ' s Ettmo-

g r a p h i c Museum. Then Benny gave t h e c a r ' s t e n d e r a f i r m p a t , a s i f t o

send it on i t s way, arid we continued on t h e road f o r a few more m i l e s .
I n t r o n t o t a w a l l o t dense s h r u b b e r y , we stopped a g a i n .

"We have t o walk a b i t , " C a r l o s s a i d g e t t i n g o u t of t h e c a r .

My h e a r t sank a t t h e thought o t walking through t h e underbrush i n

my d r e s s s a n d a l s . But we walk did. Ur rather Carlos walked. I

hobbled behind him l i k e a lame mule. My l i n e n s k i r t was covered w i t h
d u s t , and my b a r e arms s c r a t c h e d from t h e underbrush.
 ' I have t o t a k e off my nylons," I said, after a b o u t twenty
m i n u t e s of trekking. "They have t o o many runs i n them. I c a n ' t show
up w i t h pokadot legs.''

C a r l o s agreed. I s t e p p e d behind a toilan tree and d i s c r e t e l y

removed my panty hose and took t h e o p p o r t u n i t y t o u r i n a t e o u t of s h e e r
nervousness. I s t u f f e d t h e n y l o n s i n t o my s h o u l d e r bag and caught up

w i t h C a r l o s who was l o o k i n g a t a s m a l l c a c t u s down t h e p a t h .

I had no i d e a where we were going. A l l L could do was t o f o l l o w

C a r l o s , c o o l and c o m t o r t a b l e i n h i s long s l e e v e d s h i r t and levis. I

e n v i e d t h e a g i l i t y w i t h which he walked over t h e uneven t e r r a i n i n h i s
h i k i n g boots. From time t o t i m e , he held aside a tree branch o r a
t h o r n y s h r u b a s we passed.

" C a n ' t we go back t o t h e c a r t o change my shoes?" I asked knowing

i we c o u l d n ' t . I r e a l l y wanted t o go f u r t h e r than that. I wanted t o
drive t o a motel, check i n and s i t under t h e shade of an u m b r e l l a by
t h e p o o l , s i p p i n g a c o o l soda.
'No. We c a n ' t go back," he s a i d d e c i s i v e l y . "They're e x p e c t i n g us
and w e ' r e l a t e a s i t i s ."
I began t o pout.

"We're almost t h e r e , " he s a i d r e a s s u r i n g l y .

The s m e l l of smoke made me p i c k up my pace f o r I knew we were

nearing habitation. My stomach was growling; I had worked up a

f e r o c i o u s a p p e t i t e . I was wondering i t L would be a b l e t o e a t t h e food

o r i f I would have t o settle for politely nibbling, when I heard

Carlos say, "I s e e they've already started the festivities. Hurry,

t h e y ' r e e x p e c t i n g us."
,
 We c r o s s e d a wooden b r i d g e o v e r a g u l l y ; t h e r e was w a t e r under i t
in the arroyo. The broken p l a n k s creaked a s w e passed. I paused t o

looked down. The w a t e r was muddy and slow moving. I t looked like a
s t r e a m o t r u n n i n g m i l k c h o c o l a t e . I t must have come down from t h e a r e a

of t h e Obregon Damn where t h e r e was a r e d d i s h c l a y d e p o s i t . The r i v e r

o t c h o c o l a t e I daubed i t , f o r i t looked l i k e t h i c k cocoa.

Then I saw t h e house n e s t e d among a clump of m a n z a n i l l a t r e e s . It

was n o t a b e a u t i f u l e s t a t e l i k e C l a r a ' s , but a group of humble adobe

huts. C h i l d r e n and chickens r a n in the c o u r t y a r d . A mangy dog was

scrounging t o r scraps. Around t h e side ot t h e house, a donkey was
t i e d t o a s t a k e i n t h e ground, being a b l e t o g r a z e o n l y a s f a r a s t h e
r o p e around h i s neck would a l l o w him.
I t e l t a moment o t s h e e r t e r r o r . I was no d i t t e r e n t from t h a t
donkey with a noose around its neck t h a t d i d n ' t a l l o w i t t o move
beyond t h e l i m i t s o t i t s known world. Yet, we a r e a l l l i k e t h a t . I f we

p u l l e d on the rope too hard, we would s t r a n g l e ourselves. We have

means a t our d i s p o s a l t o c u t o u r t i e s , y e t f e a r p r e v e n t s u s from e v e r

trying. And even a s we c u t one r o p e , a n o t h e r r o p e becomes v i s i b l e , i n

a g i g a n t i c knot t i e d w i t h an i n f i n i t e number o t r o p e s , a l l s e r v i n g t h e

same purpose: t o hold u s t i x e d and n o t a l l o w u s t o s t r a y from t h e l i f e

i n t o which we were born.

A s I c r o s s e d t h e creaky b r i d g e on shaky steps, I knew C l a r a o r

Melida would n o t be among t h e i n v i t e d g u e s t s : I would n o t meet them
h e r e today.
 The F i e s t a

The houses were marked by a p a t h of round r i v e r r o c k s . A cooking

f i r e was burning nearby; I could s m e l l t h e f a m i l i a r s c e n t of mesquite

wood smoke, common t o t h a t area. We followed t h e narrow Lane t o t h e

back o t a house which had a s i n g l e window w i t h no g l a s s o r screen. A

ramada covered an open k i t c h e n where cooking implements and b a s k e t s

hung from n a i l s pounded i n t o the two outside posts. Corn tied i n

bundles l a i d on t o p o t t h e awning t o dry i n t h e sun.

Underneath t h e ramada, two women were p r e p a r i n g food o v e r an open

grill. One was s e a t e d on a plank bench i n f r o n t of a m a t a t e . She was

flattening tortillas i n h e r palms then p l a c i n g them i n t h e s k i l l e t t o

cook o v e r t h e t i r e . The o t h e r woman took charge of t u r n i n g them o v e r

and removing them when t h e y were done. R e l a t i v e s o r g u e s t s s a t on

orange c r a t e s t u r n e d on their sides, or they stood i n s m a l l groups

d r i n k i n g sodas. Chickens and a couple of mean l o o k i n g dogs had t h e r u n

o t t h e compound. A girl, six or seven, dressed i n l e v i s o v e r a l l s and

a d i r t y t e e s h i r t , was e a t i n g corn on t h e cob n e a r t h e t h r e s h o l d .

I stood there, surrounded by s t r a n g e s i g h t s and sounds and a

hoard of s m i l i n g people. A l l I could t h i n k of was t h a t my f e e t h u r t ,

for a t i n y pebble had wedged i t s e l f between t h e s t r a p s o t my s a n d a l s .

I r e g r e t t e d t h a t I had n o t p u t on proper w a l k i n g shoes. I had wanted

'
t o look s t y l i s h b u t e v e r y t h i n g seemed t o have c o n s p i r e d a g a i n s t me. My

12b
, , h a i r had come undone, my s k i r t was w r i n k l e d , my b l o u s e was t o r n and I
was p e r s p i r i n g p r o f u s e l y .

liveryone embraced Carlos a s i f he were an o l d f r i e n d . A s I was

i n t r o d u c e d t o them, t h e y looked me over and p o l i t e l y shook my hand.

They seemed happy to meet me. They complemented my c l o t h e s and

examined t h e c o l o r and t e x t u r e of my h a i r a s i f I were a monkey in a

zoo. One woman looked concerned a t the s c r a t c h e s on my arms. The

l i t t l e g i r l was shy and avoided me a l t o g e t h e r . A dog came and u r i n a t e d

a t my t e e t , and one of t h e l a d i e s had t o a p o l o g e t i c a l l y shoo i t away.

A p e t i t e woman w i t h a long black b r a i d down h e r back and p o i n t e d

white t e e t h asked me to s i t down on an orange c r a t e and h o s p i t a b l y

handed me a soda. I thanked h e r and after surreptitiously wiping o f f

I t h e top o t t h e open b o t t l e , I took a s i p . The c o n v e r s a t i o n began and

I looked on a s everyone spoke in rapid Spanish. Whenever anyone

a d d r e s s e d me directly, I smiled and shrugged, i n c a p a b l e of u s i n g t h e

p h r a s e s I had l e a r n e d i n my conversation classes. I realized that

those c l a s s e s , had n o t p r e p a r e d me t o r r e a l s o c i a l i n t e r a c t i o n where

everyone t a l k e d a t once i n an animated way.

I passed t h e time watching a group of r e c e n t l y hatched c h i c k s

pecking the dirt floor. It was strange t o s e e chickens and dogs

r u n n i n g around what must have been the family's living quarters. I

wondered it I had the constitution o r s t a m i n a t o l i v e under such

c o n d i t i o n s t o r an extended p e r i o d of time.

C a r l o s laughed and was t o t a l l y a t e a s e and engaging a s he t o l d

s t o r e s . From t i m e t o t i m e , he nodded a t me, i n d i c a t i n g t h a t I was t h e

8 t o p i c o t conversation. Everyone looked a t me and s m i l e , and I smiled

121
 back, nodding, wondering what t h e y were s a y i n g . A young man asked h i m

a question; t h e laugher stopped and everyone's gaze f e l l on me. I

f e l t as i f t h e y were w a i t i n g f o r me t o say something b u t I h a d n ' t t h e

f o g g i e s t i d e a what t h a t might be, so I just nodded and everyone

laughed l o u d e r .

"They're wondering how we m e t , " Carlos e x p l a i n e d . " I t o l d them

t h a t you a r e a s t u d e n t of Anthropology and t h a t I am your p r o f e s s o r . "

The people smiled and g i g g l e d .

"Has he t a u g h t you what he knows how t o do b e s t ? " whispered a

woman behind me.
I was shocked t o h e a r t i n g l i s h spoken, and I t u r n e d around. I t was

t h e woman from t h e restaurant in S a n t a Ana. the lady who had been

f i l l i n g i n f o r h e r s i s t e r . 1 h a d n ' t recognized h e r b e f o r e ; f o r now her
. ,I h a i r was b r a i d e d and s h e was wearing a white embroidered d r e s s . I

stared at her dumfounded trying to f i g u r e o u t t h e meaning o f her

q u e s t i o n and what s h e was doing a t t h e p a r t y . I had assumed, i n c o r -

rectly, that no one at the g a t h e r i n g spoke E n g l i s h . As I stared a t

her, I realized that her sparkling eyes were amber, n o t b l a c k , and

t h a t she had o l i v e s k i n and t h a t s h e was r e a l l y very b e a u t i f u l . For

t h e f i r s t time I saw h e r a s a p e r s o n , n o t j u s t a s a g e n e r i c Mexican o r

an I n d i a n .
Her mean stare made me r e a l i z e t h a t I n e v e r looked a t p e o p l e
d i r e c t l y , but o n l y a t t h e i r o u t l i n e s , t h e i r g e n e r a l shapes, and t h a t I
o n l y gave t h e i m p r e s s i o n t h a t I was l o o k i n g a t them. I t w a s n ' t t h a t I

c o u l d n ' t s e e w e l l o r needed g l a s s e s . On t h e c o n t r a r y , I p r i d e d myself

on my 20-20 v i s i o n . It was more a c a s e of being a f r a i d o r t o o s e l f

absorbed t o look a t anyone i n t h e eye tor I didn't want anyone t o

128
 look a t me. I r e a l i z e d t h a t i n s p i t e of my b e l i e f t h a t I wanted t o be
n o t i c e d , I a l s o wished v e r y much t o remain hidden.
I wanted t o a s k t h e woman what s h e meant by h e r comment, b u t she

had a l r e a d y moved away. I returned my a t t e n t i o n t o t h e main group.

The c o n v e r s a t i o n seemed endless; the wooden crate beneath me was
numbing my t a i l b o n e . A f t e r a w h i l e I was no l o n g e r paying a t t e n t i o n ,
nor bothering t o pretend that I was listening. I^ telt l i k e an

outsider, as i f I had been thrown i n t o a r a g i n g r i v e r i n which i t was

p o i n t l e s s t o t r y t o swim. No more f a k e s m i l e s and nervous c h u c k l i n g ,

p r e t e n d i n g I was having a good time. I f e l t I was p o u t i n g , and on t h e

v e r g e of g e t t i n g up and going f o r a walk, even though I knew it would

have been rude t o do s o . What's worse, s e l f - p i t y and d i s c o n t e n t were
c r e a t i n g i n an i n t e r n a l d i a l o g u e t h a t was a n y t h i n g but f r i e n d l y .

-f I was annoyed w i t h C a r l o s f o r b r i n g i n g me t o a p l a c e where n o one

paid any attention to me. C a r l o s had i n t i m a t e d t h a t I would be t h e
g u e s t of honor but. a f t e r t h e i n i t i a l c u r i o s i t y wore o f f , I was a l l b u t

ignored. Besides, I had expected a l i v e l y p a r t y i n a house w i t h

p l e n t y o t music and good t h i n g s t o e a t . S o f t s o f a s , maybe even a h i r e d
Mariachi group playing old Mexican f a v o r i t e s w i t h perhaps a t a n g o

thrown i n t o r a c o n t i n e n t a l f l a i r . And deep down, I had e x p e c t e d t o

see Clara, and Nelida and Mr. Abelar. A s I began t o f o c u s on my

profound d i s a p p o i n t m e n t , I became i n c r e a s i n g l y morose.

After a while, I noticed some black spots flying in the a i r
around me. A t f i r s t , I thought t h e h e a t and my f a t i g u e had caused my

eyes t o p l a y t r i c k s on me. Hut l o o k i n g closer, I saw t h a t the spots

seemed t o be jumping up from t h e ground about t h r e e f e e t i n t o t h e a i r .

. ,
L u l l e d i n t o a s t u p o r by t h e f o r e i g n sounds, I occupied myself f o l l o w -
129
ing t h e movements of t h e black specks. They seemed t o be everywhere

s h o o t i n g o f f a t random. As soon a s one l a n d e d , a n o t h e r one bounced up.

I t was odd t h a t no one e l s e i n t h e room took n o t i c e of them.

I was r e l i e v e d when a robust I n d i a n woman i n a b l u e d r e s s , who

seemed t o be t h e h o s t e s s , stood up and suggested we a l l move to a

t a b l e under some t r e e s where ' c a r n i t a s ' and beans were being s e r v e d .

The l a d y p i l e d some r o a s t pork on a p l a t e a l o n g w i t h a l a d l e of beans

and r i c e and handed it t o me w i t h a bent f o r k . A s I was e a t i n g , I

f e l t t h a t my l e g s were beginning t o itch. I thought t h e r e must be

mosquitoes f l y i n g around under t h e t a b l e so I t r i e d t o brush them away
w i t h a hand.
One ok t h e women n o t i c e d my movements and made some comment,
about keeping o n e ' s hands above t h e t a b l e i n p o l i t e c i r c l e s . Everyone
Laughed e x c e p t me. I d i d n ' t d a r e examine my l e g s in front of every-
one, but when I casually put a hand t o my c a l f , I f e l t t h a t my l e g s
were f u l l of bumps. I began t o s c r a t c h , u n t i l the h o s t e s s n o t i c e d me
and looked a t my legs. I saw t h e n t h a t t h e y were completely covered
with bites. I t dawned on me that the jumping b l a c k s p e c k s t h a t had
e n t e r t a i n e d me e a r l i e r d u r i n g t h e c o n v e r s a t i o n , had been g i a n t f l e a s ,

f e a s t i n g on my b a r e l e g s . Never b e f o r e had I s e e n f l e a s s o big and so

numerous and s o v i s c o u s .
A striking woman w i t h j e t b l a c k h a i r p u l l e d back i n t o a bun, got
up, grabbed my hand and l e d me inside an adjacent house. Carlos
followed and a s s u r e d me not t o worry because i f I was going t o g e t
b i t t e n by a n y t h i n g , I was i n t h e r i g h t p l a c e . The woman whose house I
was i n was a powerful s o r c e r e s s . She gave my hand a squeeze a s i f t o
r e a f f i r m what C a r l o s had s a i d . She had h i g h cheekbones, a s t r o n g wide
mouth, and smooth, c o f f e e colored skin drawn t i g h t l y o v e r h e r f a c e ,

g i v i n g h e r an e e r i e mask l i k e appearance. She looked a b i t groggy t o o ,

a s i f s h e had j u s t awaken from a long s l e e p .

I,
Her name i s Z u l e i c a , " Carlos said.

With an imperceptible movement of her chin, Dona Zuleica,

s i g n a l e d f o r Carlos t o s i t on a bench near the door a s it t o s t a n d

g u a r d , and l e d me t o s i t on a c h a i r and prop my l e g s on a s t o o l . She

examined my l e g s and shook h e r head and c l i c k e d h e r tongue a s i f she

didn't like what she saw. Then s h e s a i d something t o C a r l o s i n r a p i d

Spanish.

' Z u l e i c a s a y s t h e f l e a b i t e s a r e a bad omen," Carlos s a i d .

9,
What do you mean a bad omen?" I asked.

' I t means your l i f e w i l l be d i f f i c u l t , f i l l e d w i t h many o b s t a c l e s

along the way," Carlos said. "Unless you s t o p your overwhelming

concern w i t h t h e s e l f , t r o u b l e s w i l l f e a s t on you t h e way t h e f l e a s

have a t t a c k e d your l e g s . "

I c r i n g e d . I t was a l l I needed t o be. More o b s t a c l e s , a s i f t h e r e

w e r e n ' t enough h u r d l e s t o overcome. Dona Z u l e i c a looked a t me sympa-

t h e t i c a l l y and s a i d something a b o u t s t a y i n g w i t h h e r s o s h e c o u l d h e a l

me.

"She wants me t o t e l l you t h a t t h e r e i s a way t o avoid t r o u b l e , "

Carlos continued. "But f o r t h a t you w i l l have t o change. She s a y s you

w i l l have t o be reborn."

I d i d n o t u n d e r s t a n d i n what way I could change. I had done a

thorough recapitulation of my l i f e , beginning from t h e p r e s e n t and

moving backwards t o my v e r y t i r s t memories. Then I had done a n o t h e r

one, moving forward trom my v e r y f i r s t memories t o t h e p r e s e n t . And

131
what was s o bad w i t h t h e way I was l i v i n g anyway, I wondered. I was

going t o s c h o o l , grooming a romance w i t h knowledge t h e way E m i l i t o had

recommended. I felt I was doing everything I needed t o be. And y e t

Z u l e i c a ' s grim p r o g n o s i s f r i g h t e n e d me.

Dona Zuleica looked directly into my eyes and s a i d something

more. I t u r n e d t o C a r l o s bewildered.

"She wants t o h e l p you," he s a i d . "She s a y s t h a t u n l e s s you s t o p

pampering y o u r s e l f , the b i t o t power t h a t you have s t o r e d w i l l t u r n

a g a i n s t you and you w i l l be worse o t t t h a n b e f o r e . "

"What can I do?" I asked. " T e l l me the steps so I can f o l l o w

them. "

"She s a y s there are no s t e p s , " Carlos said. "There i s o n l y an

o v e r a l l f e e l i n g t h a t comes when one has decided

-.. - wholeheartedly t o

follow the
-
p a t h o t knowledge impeccably.
.
Z u l e i c a s a y s t h a t you s t i l l

lack t h a t f e e l i n g . "
-
I Let o u t a s i g h of s h e e r d e f e a t . I d i d n ' t even have t h e energy

t o argue.

"She could h e l p you g e t s t r o n g e r , but you would have t o s t a y w i t h

h e r , " Carlos s a i d . " P e r s o n a l l y , " he added, "I would a d v i s e a g a i n s t

that."

"Why s h o u l d n ' t I?" I asked, and j u s t t o be c o n t r a r y added, " I t

sounds l i k e a good i d e a . "

I had not intention of s t a y i n g in a f l e a ridden place with a

woman who looked l i k e s h e was e i t h e r groggy o r drunk. On t o p of t h a t ,

from t h e way s h e peered a t me, I could t e l l t h e r e was a s t r e a k of

madness in her that she could n o t d i s g u i s e . I had seen t h a t look

b e f o r e , i n E m i l i t o , and a t t i m e s , i n m y s e l t .

132
 ' Z u l e i c a is a m a s t e r dreamer, he s a i d . "You're n o t used t o her

touch. I t might do you more harm t h a n good."

I had no i d e a what he was t a l k i n g about s o I remained s i l e n t .

I scanned t h e room. A m a t t r e s s was on t h e f l o o r covered w i t h

b u r l a p bags. B a s k e t s of d r i e d h e r b s and r o o t s were p i l e d i n a corner.

J a r s with powders of d i f f e r e n t c o l o r s s e t were on a t a b l e . The p l a c e

had a c h a o t i c s e n s e about i t , t h e s m e l l of t e a r . I would probably g e t

eaten a l i v e by f l e a s , or rats or bitten by bugs and s n a k e s . A t t h e

v e r y l e a s t I would be t o t a l l y o u t of my element, and inconvenienced t o

t h e maximum."

I shook my head. "I have t o go back t o Los Angeles, t o go t o t h e

University," I s a i d t o Zuleica.

Dona Z u l e i c a smiled i n a most e e r i e f a s h i o n t h a t made t h e h a i r on

my a r m s s t a n d on end. She p a t t e d my hand, her t a c e f u l l o t d i s d a i n .

Then s h e rubbed my s w o l l e n l e g s with a foul smelling l o t i o n which

temporarily afforded some r e l i e f from t h e itching. She t u r n e d h e r

back f o r a moment and took from a shelf a j a r of l i g h t brown powder

t h a t looked l i k e ground c h o c o l a t e . She s p r i n k l e d some i n t o a t i n cup

and added b o t t l e d w a t e r t o i t . She gave the mixture a s t i r , then

handed i t t o me t o d r i n k .

I looked a t Carlos t o r a s i g n a s t o whether o r n o t t o d r i n k it.

He i n t u r n g l a n c e d a t Dona Z u l e i c a f o r a cue. Her n e a r l y i m p e r c e p t i b l e

nod caused him t o say, "It's a l r i g h t t o d r i n k . Dona Z u l e i c a s a y s i t

w i l l r e l i e v e t h e itching."
I t o o k t h e cup from Z u l e i c a ' s o u t s t r e t c h e d hands, braced myself

for something bitter, and took a few s i p s . S u r p r i s i n g l y i t d i d n ' t

! t a s t e f o u l a s one might have expected. I was c e r t a i n t h e r e was cocoa

133
 '' powder i n that jar. A s I gulped t h e r e s t of t h e d r i n k down, I gagged

a bit, f o r the pork had been v e r y s a l t y and had given me a g r e a t

t h i r s t . Dona Zuleica stroked my back, then took t h e cup, s u r p r i s e d

t h a t I had drunk i t s c o n t e n t s s o f a s t . I realized then t h a t s h e had

expected me to sip i t slowly. And before I could a s k what was i n i t ,

t h e impact of h e r brew h i t me f u l l f o r c e .

I n e a r l y f e l l o t f t h e c h a i r . The n e x t t h i n g I knew I was slumped

a g a i n s t t h e m a t t r e s s on t h e f l o o r . My body was numb; I c o u l d n ' t move.
I sensed something l i c k i n g my f a c e . I t was a huge dog. I tried to

push i t away i n d i s g u s t , but my limbs were rubbery. Then t h e black

dog moved away and I looked i n t o h i s yellow eyes. I n s t a n t l y I recog-

n i z e d him; i t was Manfred, t h e being E m i l i t o found a s a puppy and had

r a i s e d i n C l a r a ' s house. My h e a r t leaped w i t h joy. Then l i q u i d l o v e

, ,.
.i flowed between our eyes and I reached o u t t o -embrace him. That s u r g e
of pure a f f e c t i o n gave me t h e power t o s i t up. I p u t my arms around
Plantred's n e c k , b u t my arms went r i g h t through him. Manfred had no
s u b s t a n c e , and t o r t h a t matter, neither had I. We s o r t of blended
t o g e t h e r i n one e x u b e r a n t b a l l of b l i s s .

I was s o happy t o s e e him, t h a t we r o l l e d on t h e f l o o r making one

f u r r y bundle, and I no l o n g e r c a r e d i f t h e r e were f l e a s on the floor
or if Manfred o r I were covered w i t h them. I heard c h i l d i s h s q u e a l -

i n g , and I d i d n ' t t h i n k it was coming from Manfred, s o it must have

been I who was making t h o s e sounds. Then someone came and a b r u p t l y

pulled us a p a r t . I looked up and saw John Michael A b e l a r s t a n d i n g

t h e r e . His t a c e was a l l aglow and rounder and f u l l e r t h a n I remember,
but it was unmistakably h e , and he had a very s t e r n e x p r e s s i o n .
 "Don't w a s t e your energy c a v o r t i n g , " he said in a g r u t t tone.
" Z u l e i c a d i d n ' t g i v e you a l o v e p o t i o n . "
"What d i d s h e g i v e me?" I wanted t o a s k , but I c o u l d n ' t v o i c e t h e

words.
Then I r e a l i z e d I d i d n ' t have t o t a l k i n t h e normal way; I could
just think my q u e s t i o n . I h e a r d a female v o i c e v e r y n e a r me; i t was

M e l i d a , and s h e could u n d e r s t a n d what I was t h i n k i n g .

' Z u l e i c a d i d something to boost your energy into t h e second
attention," Nelida explained. "But as u s u a l , i t pushed you t o t h e

b r i n k and beyond."
' B u t how d i d Mantred g e t h e r e ? " I asked. "And Mr. Abelar a n d .

you? "
M r . Abelar's t a c e softened a s he s a i d , "We came t o meet you i n
t h e p r e s e n c e o t t h e young n a g u a l , Carlos. But s i n c e you were s t i l l
lost in concerns w i t h y o u r s e l f , we c o u l d n ' t meet you i n your o r d i n a r y
s t a t e . You w o u l d n ' t have given t h e members of my p a r t y t h e t i m e of t h e

day. ,I

"And I , being r e s p o n s i b l e f o r you, c o u l d n ' t a l l o w t h a t , " N e l i d a

added. "I know you a r e c a p a b l e o t a more e x q u i s i t e maneuver, Taisha."

"Oh, but I would have been honored t o meet them a l l , " I protest-
ed. " I ' v e waited s o l o n g t o r t h i s encounter."
"Then why were you rude and bored to d e a t h , when you were
i n t r o d u c e d t o some o t t h e members o r o u r p a r t y ? " N e l i d a asked.
"When was t h i s ? I n e v e r met anyone."

"Ut c o u r s e you d i d , " Nelida s a i d .

"Where, when?" I t r i e d t o o r g a n i z e my t h o u g h t s but t h e r e was no

: l i n e a r s t r u c t u r e on which t o hang them.

135
 " I n t h e house where t h e f l e a s b i t you," N e l i d a r e p l i e d . "You were
bored s t i t f and c o u l d n ' t w a i t t o g e t o u t of t h e r e . You d i d n ' t even
have t h e c u r t e s y t o g i v e them your a t t e n t i o n . "
'But those were j u s t o r d i n a r y p e o p l e , w e r e n ' t t h e y ? " I s a i d . "I

d i d n ' t know t h a t they were p a r t of t h e n a g u a l s s o r c e r y group."

'Of c o u r s e you knew, but being such a s u p e r i o r woman, you d i d n ' t

have t h e power t o s e e t h a t l e t a l o n e a c t on i t , " N e l i d a s a i d . "When-

e v e r anyone wanted t o approach you, turned your back and snubbed

them. "

' B u t I d o n ' t speak Spanish v e r y w e l l , " I p r o t e s t e d .

"It's not your lack of S p a n i s h , but your s e l f - i m p o r t a n c e t h a t

h i n d e r s you," Nelida i n s i s t e d . "You r e g a r d e d everyone a s poor I n d i a n s
who w e r e n ' t f i t t o wipe your f e e t . "
I wanted t o p r o t e s t but something i n me knew she was r i g h t .

"The young nagual had t o a p o l o g i z e t o everyone i n your b e h a l f , "

N e l i d a c o n t i n u e d , " o t h e r w i s e they would have thrown you o u t on your
e a r . You're lucky you g o t away w i t h o n l y a few t l e a b i t e s . The f l e a s
were r e l e n t l e s s w i t h you and t h a t was t h e omen. You have t o be t r e a t e d

ruthlessly. I t Zuleica h a d n ' t helped you w i t h h e r e n e r g y , you and I

w o u l d n ' t be t a l k i n g now. You would have been booted a c r o s s t h a t b r i d g e

in tront ot the house, and you would have never r e t u r n e d . Zuleica

even asked you t o s t a y w i t h her t o t e a c h you how t o s t a l k with the
d o u b l e , which you r e f u s e d f o r p e t t y r e a s o n s . "

I looked around. I n t h e corner stood a t a l l lady, with her h a i r

i n a bun. It was Z u l e i c a , s h e smiled and nodded with b r i l l i a n t eyes,

a s i t a g r e e i n g w i t h a l l t h a t Nelida had s a i d .

13b
 I knew t h a t I had f l u b b e d my chance. My s e n s e of s e l f importance
was s t i l l overpowering. I f l e f t up t o my own devices, I always f e l l
back i n t o the p i t of s u p e r i o r i t y and s e l f o b s e s s i o n I was accustomed

t o inhabiting.

"Couldn't I meet everyone now?" I asked h o p e f u l l y .

'No, t h e y ' v e a l r e a d y l e f t , " N e l i d a s a i d .
8,
Have t h e y g i v e n up on me?"
" P r a c t i c a l l y . Yet you w i l l meet them one by o n e , depending on

your power," Nelida replied. 'The young n a g u a l , who i s your g u i d e

w i l l t a k e you t o meet them. The only one who stuck around was
Manured; a p p a r e n t l y i t d o e s n ' t m a t t e r t o him t h a t you a r e an i m b e c i l e .
His a f f e c t i o n f o r you i s p e e r l e s s . "
I heard a s h a r p bark a s i f i n a f f i r m a t i o n , and a f e e l i n g of l o v e
, ., weld up inside me. "Likewise," I s a i d and was about t o b u r s t o u t

weeping. In t a c t t e a r s had a l r e a d y begun t o fall. I moved my arm t o

wipe them, when I telt a warm body n e x t t o me t u g g i n g a t my arm. I

t u r n e d my head t o s e e a young p r e t t y g i r l , about my a g e , winking a t
me. She had s h o r t d a r k brown, c u r l y h a i r , d e l i c a t e f e a t u r e s , brown
e y e s , and an e e r i e s m i l e l i k e i i u l e i c a ' s .

o o because I ' m c r a z y , j u s t
' I ~ t u c k ~ a r o u nt d l i k e you," she s a i d
and g i g g l e d .
Instantly her eyes became wild, glowing l i k e a d o l l t h a t had

suddenly come t o l i t e . I thought t h a t she would devour me w i t h h e r

t i n y piranha-like teeth. I wanted t o move away, but s h e h e l d me down
w i t h s u p e r human s t r e n g t h . As s h e began t o climb on t o p of me, I

screamed t o r N e l i d a t o g e t h e r o f f me.
 "I thought you came to Mexico to find love," she s a i d in a

throaty voice. "Well, I ' m your man." She g y r a t e d h e r h i p s i n a lewd

motion t h e n k i s s e d me on mouth.

As I s t r u g g l e d t o f r e e m y s e l f , I heard a chorus o t l a u g h e r i n t h e

background.

"You two behave y o u r s e l v e s , " Nelida s a i d and p u l l e d the g i r l o t t

me. " T h a t ' s J o s e t i n a . Don't mind h e r . S h e ' s always d i r e c t and t o t h e

point. "

I d i d n ' t mean t o f r i g h t e n you," t h e young g i r l s a i d i n Spanish.

She touched my h a i r a f f e c t i o n a t e l y . She was t h e p i c t u r e o t sweetness

and decorum again. "But you were such a s h i t ass w i t h everyone, I

thought you needed a good fuck.'.'

My mouth t e l l open. Such crude language d i d n ' t g i v e w i t h her

d e l i c a t e appearance. She smiled and nodded a s i f I had b e t t e r believe

her.

' J o s e t i n a always s p e a k s t h e t r u t h , " Nelida s a i d . " O r s h e d o e s n ' t

speak a t a i l . I s n ' t t h a t r i g h t , J o s e f i n a ? "

The g i r l nodded mutely. I t was then I r e a l i z e d t h a t I had had no

trouble understanding S p a n i s h . I n f a c t I had t h e c e r t a i n t y t h a t I had

l e a r n e d t h e language somewhere before. Although where I d i d n ' t know.

N e l i d a came t o my r e s c u e . "One can e a s i l y understand a d i f f e r e n t

language in the second attention," s h e s a i d . "Once you bypass t h e

r a t i o n a l mind, you have no difficulty with languages. You used t o

speak German and Hungarian, and some S p a n i s h , remember?"

That was true. I used t o know t h o s e languages a s a c h i l d but I

had f o r g o t t e n them o u t of l a c k of use.
I

138
 ,,One never f o r g e t s , " Nelida s a i d . "The assemblage p o i n t simply

moves t o a d i f f e r e n t p o s i t i o n where t h a t language i s no l o n g e r i n t h e

foreground. b u t you can always move back. Now you'd b e t t e r s l e e p .
You've used up j u s t about a l l t h e dreaming energy Z u l e i c a gave you."

I wanted t o a s k h e r how Z u l e i c a gave me dreaming energy but t h e n

I remembered t h a t t h e r e was something missing. I t was as i f I had

misplaced something t h a t had been w i t h me, but I d i d n ' t know what i t

was. Then I h e a r d a v o i c e and t h e m i s s i n g p i e c e f e l l into place. I

saw C a r i o s s i t t i n g down n e x t t o me and I knew we had know each o t h e r
f o r a l o n g , l o n g time. I n f a c t , we had s p e n t a l i f e t i m e t o g e t h e r . How
could I have f o r g o t t e n t h e f e e l i n g I had f o r him? I touched h i s hand

and l a y down on my l e f t s i d e . Then our hands m e l t e d t o g e t h e r and I

could no l o n g e r s u s t a i n h i s image. My e y e l i d s were s o heavy t h a t t h e y
) c l o s e d i n s p i t e of my e f f o r t t o keep them open.
" W i l l I s e e you a g a i n ? " I managed t o a s k N e l i d a .

Nelida t o u s l e d my h a i r t h e y way s h e always d i d , "That depends

e n t i r e l y upon you, on how impeccable you a r e w i t h y o u r s e l f and o t h e r s .

b u t i t i s t h e new n a g u a l ' s duty t o bring t o freedom. You have been
e n t r u s t e d i n t o each o t h e r ' s c a r e by t h e s p i r i t i t s e l f . T r u s t him and
s u p p o r t him, because h i s p a t h and yours a r e f o r e v e r entwined."

I made h e r a solemn promise. Then s h e s a i d something e l s e , maybe

even many o t h e r t h i n g s , but I c o u l d n o t remember any of them, because

I t e l l a s l e e p t o N e l i d a ' s s o f t commands t h a t sounded l i k e a l u l l a b y . I

dreamt I was suspended from a h a r n e s s a t t a c h e d t o a t r e e branch.

Someone was pushing me a s it I were on a swing. I looked down. I saw

Carlos reaching up to catch my ankles t o g i v e me a push. He was
 l a u g h i n g abandoned. Next t o him, E m i l i t o was jumping up and down l i k e
a b i g c h i l d wanting t o p l a y t o o .

I awoke from a deep s l e e p . The darkness i n t h e room was i n t e n s e .

I t was p i t c h b l a c k ; t h e r e i s no l i g h t anywhere. A s my eyes became

accustomed t o t h e shapes and shadows i n t h e room, I could t e l l I was

l a y i n g on t h e hard m a t t r e s s . Someone had thrown a b l a n k e t o v e r me and

the heat of it made t h e b i t e s on my l e g s i t c h t e r r i b l y . I t was a l l I

could do t o keep from s c r a t c h i n g them. The rough b l a n k e t around my

f a c e was s u f f o c a t i n g me. I s m e l l e d i t s s t a l e n e s s ; i t made me s n e e z e .

C a r l o s was l y i n g n e a r me. From t h e sound of h i s rhythmic b r e a t h -

i n g , I could t e l l he was a s l e e p . I was glad t h a t my s t i f l e d s n e e z e had
n o t awaken him. I l a y t h e r e t o r a l o n g t i m e , a f r a i d t o move o r g e t up.

. ~
) I needed t o go t o t h e bushes t o r e l i e v e m y s e l f , but f e a r of e n c o u n t e r -

ing a snake or one of the dogs, kept me from v e n t u r i n g i n t o t h e

darkness. To p a s s t h e t i m e , I t r i e d t o remember what had happened t h e
previous afternoon.
We had come t o a fiesta; I had been i n t r o d u c e d t o a group of
p e o p l e , t h e n Z u l e i c a had g i v e n me a p o t i o n t o d r i n k ; it had knocked me
o u t . What followed was t o o vague t o p u t i n t o thoughts. I remembered

seeing Nelida and fir. A b e l a r and a young pretty g i r l I h a d n ' t met

before. And Manured was t h e r e too, barking i n t h e background. I

remembered s e e i n g t h e new n a g u a l , N e l i d a rubbing my head and t e l l i n g
me t h i n g s . but then i n a f l a s h t h e y were gone and I f e l l a s l e e p t o
dream h a u n t i n g dreams.
Carlos turned onto h i s side. I t r i e d t o f a l l asleep again but I

, couldn't. Some p a r t o t me was wide awake, f u l l y a l e r t , ready t o f i g h t

14U
danger. A dog was b a r k i n g incessantly in the distance. Then I must

have f a l l e n asleep t o r the next thing I knew C a r l o s was s h a k i n g me

s a y i n g i t was time t o go. He wanted t o return t o Vicam S t a t i o n t o
meet Benny to look tor P a s c o l a masks t o d o n a t e t o t h e e t h o l o g i c a l

museum.
I p u t on t h e long sleeved shirt and cotton drawstring pants

someone had l e f t by my s h o u l d e r bag, and gratefully slipped i n t o a

p a i r o t guaraches. A s we c r o s s e d t h e wooden b r i d g e , on our way back t o

where we had parked the car, I turned and g l a n c e d a t t h e house one
l a s time. I n t h e d i s t a n c e I saw Z u l e i c a waving a t me, s m i l i n g a s i f we
s h a r e d a s e c r e t . I waved back and a s our eyes met, I had t h e c e r t a i n t y
t h a t I would meet h e r a g a i n . I would a c c e p t her i n v i t a t i o n t o stay
w i t h h e r , and U m i l i t o would be t h e r e t o o , and my l i f e would change.
 P a s c o l a Masks

My l e g s were red and swollen. The l o t i o n Z u l e i c a had given me f o r

t h e t l e a b i t e s had n o t helped one b i t . On t h e c o n t r a r y , something i n

i t seemed t o make t h e b i t e s even more v i r u l e n t . I t reminded me of t h e

time 1 had had chicken pocks as a c h i l d , only now, I was f a r more

uncomfortable.

"What d i d Z u l e i c a g i v e me t h a t knocked me o u t ? " I asked Carlos a s

we were d r i v i n g t o Vicam S t a t i o n .
,,Cocoa. "
"You mean t h e r e was only cocoa powder i n t h a t drink? I don't

believe it."

Carlos nodded. "She thought you l i k e d h o t c h o c o l a t e . That i t

would t a k e your mind o f f t h e b i t e s . "

"I do l i k e i t , but i t never a f f e c t e d me l i k e t h a t before."

"What a f f e c t e d you was Z u l e i c a ' s a r t of mesmerism," he e x p l a i n e d .

"She can move a p e r s o n ' s c e n t e r of awareness w i t h h e r dream body. A l l

s h e has t o do i s t o look you i n t h e e y e s , o r touch your forehead, o r

the back of your neck or s h o u l d e r b l a d e and y o u ' l l go o u t l i k e a

light. "

"Are you s u r e t h e r e was n o t h i n g i n t h e d r i n k ? " I i n s i s t e d .

"Absolutely. She doesn't need to resort to using drugs o r

potions. Zuleica is a s o r c e r e s s of t h e highest caliber. The n a g u a l

J u l i a n t a u g h t h e r h i m s e l f . She h a s an a f f i n i t y f o r you because you a r e

l i k e h e r , q u i t e a b i t crazy. Someday, s h e ' l l show you h e r a r t . "

"What might t h a t be?" I asked. "Knocking p e o p l e o u t w i t h a p a t on

t h e back?"

C a r l o s p u l l e d down t h e v i s o r o t the c a r t o shield h i m s e l f from

t h e s u n ' s g l a r e . " Z u l e i c a i s a consummate dreamer. She s t a l k s w i t h h e r

dream body. When you meet h e r a g a i n , s h e ' l l teach you how t o stalk

w i t h t h e double."

"What i s s t a l k i n g w i t h t h e double?" I asked.

"You'll have to wait until Zuleica shows you," C a r l o s s a i d .

" S h e ' s t h e m a s t e r of i t . As I've said, she learned from t h e nagual

J u l i a n , and from someone e l s e i n our l i n a g e . "

"Who was t h i s o t h e r p e r s o n ? "

' A sorcerer of unending accomplishments. A l l I can t e l l you is

t h a t don Juan's lineage i s indebted to this person, j u s t a s he i s

i n d e b t e d t o our l i n e a g e . "

I wanted t o ask more about t h i s m y s t e r i o u s personage and about

Z u l e i c a ' s a r t , but we had a l r e a d y a r r i v e d a t Vicam S t a t i o n . Benny was

waiting i n f r o n t of h i s house. When he saw our c a r , he hopped i n and

s a i d he knew o t s e v e r a l p e o p l e who may have masks f o r s a l e . He o f f e r e d

t o accompanying us s o t h a t we would n o t g e t l o s t . A t f i r s t , I thought

he was j u s t being p o l i t e o r wanted t h e company of h i s f r i e n d , but when

I saw t h a t an o r d i n a r y r o c k was a s i g n p o s t , o r a c a c t u s i n d i c a t e d a

t u r n onto a road, it was evident that we needed the guidance of

someone who knew t h e t e r r a i n t o p e r f e c t i o n .

I t would be i m p o s s i b l e t o f i n d anyone's house o r s t o r e u n l e s s one

had been t h e r e b e f o r e , and sometimes, n o t even then. F o r . even w i t h

143
 Benny i n t h e c a r , we had t o b a c k t r a c k on s e v e r a l o c c a s i o n s , t o c a t c h a

missed t u r n o n t o a road t h a t was b a r e l y v i s i b l e .

We drove a c r o s s t h e highway and veered off onto a road t h a t

according t o benny, would t a k e u s t o Potam, where don F e l i p e , a mask

c a r v e r l i v e d . I t was a t e a t j u s t t o f i n d a p a r t i c u l a r house, f o r they

a l l looked a l i k e . The t y p i c a l house had p l a i t e d cane w a i l s , sometimes

coated h e a v i l y w i t h mud, and a roof composed of l a y e r s of cane r e s t i n g

on a tew mesquite r a f t e r s w i t h e a r t h p i l e d on t o p of t h e cane. Con-

s t r u c t i o n m a t e r i a l s i n c l u d e d adobe b r i c k , cane w i t h mesquite s u p p o r t

p o s t s and r a f t e r s . Sometimes, I could s e e mats of s p l i t cane, s e r v i n g

a s p a r t of t h e r o o f . A l l t h e houses had two o r t h r e e rooms and had a

ramada which c o n s i s t e d of a roof supported on crooked mesquite p o s t s .

Besides o f f e r i n g p r o t e c t i o n from the sun, the ramada served as a

, 3
\ s t o r a g e a r e a f o r h e r b s and c o r n t h a t were placed on t o p of i t t o dry.

The houses were surrounded by f e n c e s , f i v e o r s i x f e e t h i g h , made

of p l a i t e d cane, which sometimes a f f o r d e d people complete privacy. I

saw corrals with an occasional g o a t , p i g o r donkey, and of course

c h i c k e n s and t h e s c r a w n i e s t dogs s o u t h ot the border. Everywhere I

could s m e l l burning mesquite wood from k i t c h e n f i r e s . What s t r u c k me

was t h a t , except f o r t h e o c c a s i o n a l barking of a dog o r t h e cawing of

a crow, everything was quiet. I couldn't help n o t i c e t h e sharp

c o n t r a s t from t h e n o i s y Mexican community of. Vicam where Benny l i v e d

and t h e Yaqui s e t t l e m e n t s .

"Shall I turn right," Carlos asked as we drove through t h e

underbrush.

' E e e s , t u r n h e r e , " Benny s a i d p o i n t i n g o u t t h e window.

"Is t h a t t h e Mesquite t r e e were I go l e f t ? "

144
 " F e e s , go l e f t , " Benny r e p l i e d .

'Do you t h i n k t h e mask maker w i l l be a t home?" I asked.

' E e e s , h e ' s always i n , " s a i d Benny. "If not we'll go t o the

store."

I tried to figure o u t why Benny was prefacing a l l h i s replies

with 'eees'. I t h o u g h t i t might be some s o r t of Spanish e x p l e l a t i v e

used i n that part of Sonora, o r perhaps, a Yaqui word. As we were

w a i t i n g f o r Benny t o r e t u r n trom a q u i c k t r i p t o t h e bushes, I asked

C a r l o s what ' e e s e ' meant.

"Benny u s e s i t every time he s a y s something," I s a i d .

C a r l o s laughed. "He's s a y i n g ' y e s ' i n E n g l i s h . Benny i s t r y i n g t o

l e a r n E n g l i s h . Converse w i t h him a l i t t l e . D o n ' t be shy."

When Benny came back, I asked him what t h e Yaquis sold in their

1 stores.
"Saddles and canned goods," he s a i d . " C o t t e e and s u g a r and coca

cola."

Wherever t h e r e was a s t o r e , Benny said he knew ot it and he

i n t e n d e d t o t a k e u s t o a l l of them.

Where a r e a l l t h e women?" I asked having passed o n l y men on t h e

road.

" I n s i d e t h e i r h o u s e s , " Benny r e p l i e d . "They d o n ' t come o u t u n l e s s

t h e y have a r e a s o n , l i k e g e t t i n g w a t e r from t h e w e l l , o r wood t o r t h e

f i r e s o r t o g e t s u p p l i e s trom t h e s t o r e . "

' I c a n ' t b e l i e v e t h e r e i s a s t o r e around here," I said. I could

s e e n o t h i n g but low r o o t e d adobes and d e s e r t v e g e t a t i o n .

"Eees, we go t h e r e now t o look t o r masks," Benny e x p l a i n e d .

1
145
 We followed a d i r t road t h a t was r u t t e d from t h e r a i n s , u n t i l we

came t o a mud house, l i k e a l l t h e o t h e r s t r u c t u r e s of t h e a r e a , only

perhaps a b i t longer. Sacks of g r a i n were p i l e d a g a i n s t one w a l l . I t

had no windows only a door painted turquoise. Several t a l l Yaqui

Indians were standing near the e n t r a n c e ; o t h e r s were s i t t i n g on a

p l a n k bench d r i n k i n g orange and l i m e sodas. A l l had on sombreros t o

shade themselves from t h e noon day sun. Some men had mustaches and

were o l d e r , o t h e r s were young boys i n t h e i r t e e n s , and a s u s u a l , t h e r e

were no women.

Carlos parked the car and I followed him and Benny i n t o t h e

s t o r e . I was s u r p r i s e d t o s e e a v a r i e t y of merchandise. There was a

long counter, and on t h e w a l l s were s h e l v e s s t o c k e d w i t h canned goods

a s w e l l a s s a c k s of f l o u r , s u g a r and c o f f e e . One s e c t i o n of the store

was devoted t o t o o l s and l i g h t farm equipment, such a s r o p e s , s p a d e s ,

t o o l s and o t h e r implements.

Benny t a l k e d t o t h e p r o p r i e t o r with whom he seemed to be on

f r i e n d l y terms. A f t e r a w h i l e , t h e man l e f t through a c u r t a i n e d door

l e a d i n g i n t o a back room.

"He has a few masks i n t h e back," C a r l o s s a i d t o me. "He's going

t o b r i n g them o u t t o r u s t o look a t . "

Benny opened the cooler and p u l l e d out s e v e r a l s o d a s which we

s i p p e d , w h i l e w e w a i t e d f o r t h e man t o return. When I looked u p , I

noticed a g i r l behind the counter s t a r i n g a t me. She must have come

o u t from t h e back room because s h e had n o t been i n t h e s t o r e when we

had e n t e r e d , and I was c e r t a i n s h e h a d n ' t come through t h e f r o n t door.

She had s h o r t c u r l y dark h a i r and b e a u t i f u l delicate features. She

c o u l d n ' t have been more t h a n s e v e n t e e n . Her s k i n was smooth and brown

and s h e had t h e b i g g e s t b l a c k eyes I had e v e r s e e n .

Carlos s t a r t e d t o t a l k t o her. They spoke i n such hushed v o i c e

that I could b a r e l y h e a r them, but I could t e l l from t h e i r s e r i o u s

e x p r e s s i o n s t h a t t h e two were d i s c u s s i n g something i m p o r t a n t . The g i r l

seemed on the verge of t e a r s . C a r l o s was t r y i n g t o c o n s o l e h e r . He

p u t an arm around h e r and p a t t e d h e r head. Finally, the g i r l turned

t o me and gave me a l o o k of hatred t h a t could make t h e blood of a

lizard curdle, then she s l i p p e d thorough the curtain i n t o t h e back

room.

Before I could a s k C a r l o s who the g i r l was, t h e owner of t h e

s t o r e came back h o l d i n g t h r e e carved wooden masks and l a i d them on t h e

counter. They were masks used by the dancers d u r i n g t h e P a s c o l a

c e l e b r a t i o n s . They were p a i n t e d b l a c k with red markings around t h e

eyes and across the cheeks. Bleached h o r s e h a i r formed a f r i n g e of

bangs o v e r t h e f o r e h e a d , and s e r v e d a s eyebrows, while longer s t r a n d s

o t horse h a i r hung down t h e t r o n t of t h e mask l i k e a g o a t e e o r beard.

Around t h e rims were c a r v e d t r i a n g l e s and c i r c l e s . Two had a c r o s s on

t h e f o r e h e a d , t h e t h i r d mask had a l i z a r d pained on each cheek.

C a r l o s bargained about t h e price, for t h e man d i d n o t seem t o

want t o p a r t w i t h all three masks. When Benny started t o leave,

d r a g g i n g us w i t h him t o show t h a t we were n o t i n t e r e s t e d , t h e man

agreed t o s e l l and I saw money changing hands.

On t h e way o u t we passed some h a t s hanging on a rack. Carlos

tried a few on u n t i l h e found one t h a t f i t him, which he l e f t on h i s

head. Benny took h i s worn h a t o f t and p u t on a new one.

 " P i c k one o u t , " C a r l o s s a i d t o me. "No one i n Sonora goes w i t h o u t

a hat."

The f i r s t one I p u t on seemed t o f i t , but t h e r e was no m i r r o r i n

t h e s t o r e t o s e e how i t looked. I caught my r e f l e c t i o n on t h e s i d e of

a s t a i n l e s s s t e e l thermos on t h e c o u n t e r . I l i k e d i t . I looked l e s s of

a f o r e i g n e r w i t h a sombrero on.

C a r l o s p a i d t o r t h e h a t s and s o d a s . The owner walked out with us

and when I looked back, I saw the g i r l s t a n d i n g i n t h e doorway

watching us. For a moment I f e l t sorry f o r her. Her o p t i o n s seemed

dismally limited. She could marry one of the young men who was

standing outside the s t o r e admiring her, and then spend her l i f e

looking a f t e r him and t h e i r c h i l d r e n . Most l i k e l y she would n e v e r go

more t h a n t e n m i l e s o u t of the area. Perhaps she would visit a

relative in one of t h e n e i g h b o r i n g towns f o r a wedding o r a b i r t h d a y ,

and t h e r e exchange g o s s i p about t h e l a t e s t b i r t h o r mourn o v e r someone

who had r e c e n t l y d i e d . O r i t s h e were l u c k y , s h e might g e t a j o b a s a

maid i n one of t h e motels i n Ciudad Obregon, o r Guaymas. I n s h o r t , t h e

g i r l ' s f u t u r e was s e a l e d i n t h e grimmest way.

A crow's loud cawing from a n e a r b y cottonwood t r e e caught me by

surprise. I remember a n o t h e r time when I was h a v i n g a s i m i l a r mental

d i a l o g u e concerning a woman who had served us in the restaurant in

S a n t a Ana, but who had t u r n e d o u t t o be a curer. I had been wrong

t h e n ; and from t h e way t h e g i r l had g l a r e d a t me, I t e l t I was wrong

again.

I watched t h e g i r l through t h e s i d e mirror as C a r l o s and Benny

talked t o t h e owner and some of t h e young men s t a n d i n g by t h e door.

One of them seemed t o be g i v i n g C a r l o s d i r e c t i o n s , f o r he was p o i n t i n g

148
off i n t o t h e d i s t a n c e t o t h e e a s t . L sensed t h a t t h e g i r l was l o o k i n g

a t C a r l o s w i t h what I could only call admiration or fondness. I t

s t r u c k me then t h a t the g i r l was i n l o v e w i t h him. I f e l t a pang of

j e a l o u s y which I immediately t r i e d t o h i d e by s m i l i n g a t C a r l o s a s he

got in t h e car. As we drove o f t , leaving Benny t o t a l k w i t h some

f r i e n d s he had run across, I watched t h e g i r l watching us u n t i l we

d i s a p p e a r e d behind t h e d u s t and s h r u b s .

"Who i s t h a t g i r l ? " I asked a s we continued down t h e d i r t road.

Dust was g e t t i n g i n my eyes and made me s n e e z e .

For a moment Carlos was s i l e n t . " T h a t ' s J o s e t i n a , " he f i n a l l y

s a i d . "Don't you remember?"

The name was s o f a m i l i a r . Suddenly, my e a r s popped and I remem-

bered where I had s e e n h e r . She was t h e g i r l t h a t had a c c o s t e d me i n

Z u l e i c a ' s house.

" S h e ' s a s o r c e r e s s ! " I gasped. "What's s h e doing h e r e ? And d o n ' t

t e l i me she's helping o u t t h e owner of t h e s t o r e , l i k e t h a t woman i n

t h e r e s t a u r a n t i n S a n t a Ana."

"No, s h e j u s t came f o r some s u p p l i e s . "

"You mean s h e l i v e s around h e r e ? "

Again a long s i l e n c e .

"She seems t o l i k e you a l o t , " I s a i d . "Have you known her long?

What were you two w h i s p e r i n g a b o u t i n t h e r e ? "

C a r l o s shrugged. "She wants me t o t a k e h e r t o t h e United S t a t e s , "

he s a i d . " I ' m t e a c h i n g h e r English."

F o r an i n s t a n t I l a p s e d i n t o a f a m i l i a r moroseness. I was c e r t a i n

C a r l o s was teaching her English so he could b r i n g h e r t o t h e United

States.
 the "self". These f e e l i n g s of l o v e and hate, jealously, o r envy did

n o t simply go away by changing o n e ' s venue. They were d e e p l y r o o t e d ,

b u r i e d i n every c e l l of our being. To r i d o u r s e l v e s of these feel-

i n g s , we would have t o do more than to recapitulate o u r l i v e s ; we

would, i n Z u l e i c a ' s words, have t o become transformed.

The c a r reached t h e highway w i t h a thud. I was r e l i e v e d t o see

Carlos smiling. P e r h a p s , he w a s n ' t a t t a c h e d t o t h e g i r l i n t h e s t o r e

a f t e r a i l . I b r e a t h e d e a s i e r and l o s t myself watching t h e shadows and

colors the sun cast on the desert landscape a s we d r o v e t o don

F e l i p e ' s , t h e mask maker's house.

His house had a wooden c r o s s i n t h e c o u r t y a r d and was s i t u a t e d on

t h e edge of a cultivated field. I t was more s p a c i o u s t h a n t h e o t h e r

houses I had s e e n , and i t was b u i l t of good adobe b r i c k s and t h e d i r t

,! around i t was c l e a n and w e l l packed.

Carlos asked me to wait in t h e c a r w h i l e he t a l k e d w i t h don

F e l i p e , but I i n s i s t e d on going i n s i d e . Don Felipe introduced us t o

his wife, who immediately l e f t the room, a s i f s h e were t o o shy t o

speak t o s t r a n g e r s . Don F e l i p e was e l d e r l y , t a l l , and had a s e n s e of

q u i e t u d e about him. H i s eyes were n o t b r i g h t and b u r n i n g , but r a t h e r

d i s t a n t , a s i f l o o k i n g o f f somewhere i n t o a n o t h e r world. I suspected

he r e a d S p a n i s h , f o r he had s e v e r a l books on a s h e l f . I n h i s conversa-

t i o n a l manner h e p r o j e c t e d a s i m p l i c i t y and i n t e l l i g e n c e . He seemed

knowledgeable on many s u b j e c t s .

At one point, I sensed the d i s c u s s i o n c e n t e r e d on theKahum

c h r o n i c a l and some of t h e l e g e n d a r y heros of Yaqui history, for I

heard t h e names o f C a l i x t o Muni, Cajeme, T e t a b i a t e and J u a n Bandera

.,~
'
r e p e a t e d l y mentioned. C a r l o s had t o l d me e a r l i e : t h a t C a l i x t o Muni was

151
 an 18th century Yaqui leader who had o r g a n i z e d t h e Yaquis i n t o a
m i l i t a r y u n i t t o t i g h t t h e Mexicans. Juan Bandera, who claimed t o have
had a v i s i o n of t h e Virgin o t Guadalupe, a l s o o r g a n i z e d m i l i t a r y u n i t s

of Yaquis under a f l a g of the virgin. Tetabiate, a f t e r Cajeme's

d e f e a t , reorganized t h e remnants of t h e Yaqui f o r c e s i n t h e mountains

n o r t h of t h e Yaqui r i v e r , and waged g u e r r i l l a w a r f a r e a g a i n s t Mexicans

f o r many y e a r s .

I sensed don F e l i p e d i d n ' t want to sell C a r l o s any masks. But

when C a r l o s s a i d t h a t he was working w i t h don J u a n , whom don F e l i p e
seemed t o know, he got up and went i n t o t h e back room and brought o u t

a masks wrapped i n a r e d c l o t h . He c a r e f u l l y unfolded t h e cloth to

reveal a mask u n l i k e t h e ones t h a t we had found i n t h e s t o r e . This
mask was r e a l l y s p o o k y . I t was u n p a i n t e d and had no h o r s e h a i r t r i m .

1 The f a c i a l f e a t u r e s were distorted as if in a s n a r l . The mouth was

open, t h e eyes were s l i g h t l y s l a n t e d , one h i g h e r than t h e o t h e r . The
wood was white with layers ot natural swirls in its grain. I t was
b e a u t i f u l , y e t a t t h e same t i m e , awesome.

C a r l o s thanked don F e l i p e and we l e f t .

"Why i s t h a t mask s o d i f f e r e n t ? " I asked, w a l k i n g t o t h e c a r .

" T h a t ' s a mask of an a l l y , " C a r l o s s a i d . "The o t h e r masks a r e f o r

t h e Pascola dancers."

C a r l o s c a r e f u l l y put t h e mask i n t h e t r u n k a t t e r wrapping i t i n a

towel f o r p r o t e c t i o n .
"What's an a l l y ? " I a s k e d , trying to think if Clara o r John
Michael A b e l a r had e v e r d i s c u s s e d t h a t t o p i c .
"An a l l y is a force that e x i s t s outside t h e world of o r d i n a r y

152
+
p e r c e p t i o n , " C a r l o s s a i d . "That force can take any shape when i n

s e r v i c e of t h e s o r c e r e r . "
"You mean a n y t h i n g can be an a l l y ? " I asked.

"No, t h e y are specific e n t i t i e s t h a t a r e f o r m l e s s , but t h e y can

t a k e t h e shape of a n y t h i n g they wish to emulate, depending on t h e
energy t h a t they h a r n e s s from t h e human world."
4,
Have you e v e r seen one?" I asked.

'Uon Juan showed me his a l l y on s e v e r a l o c c a s i o n s and n e a r l y

f r i g h t e n e d me t o death. Once I had t o wrestle with i t and thought I

was done f o r . "

' I s i t l i k e a b a i l of energy? S i z z l i n g and kind of b l u i s h ? "
" I t could be a man, a g i g a n t i c black d o o r , a f e r o c i o u s a n i m a l ,
a n y t h i n g . But, y e s , i t ' s f u l l of s i z z l i n g energy."

I I t o l d Carlos about a s e r i e s of r e c u r r i n g dreams I had h a d , o r a t

least I thought they were dreams. I was s t a y i n g i n C l a r a ' s house i n

t h e b e a u t i f u l room s h e had a s s i g n e d t o me. I would j u s t be d r i f t i n g

off t o s l e e p , when I heard n o i s e s o u t s i d e my door i n t h e hallway. A t

f i r s t , I thought it was footsteps, someone big walking down t h e

corridor. Terrified, I p u t my head under t h e covers and hoped t h e
n o i s e s would go away.
But t h e y d i d n ' t . Sometimes t h e r e was some s c r a t c h i n g a t t h e door,
a s i f a huge animal was prowling o u t s i d e t r y i n g t o g e t i n . I n my semi-

s l e e p s t a t e , I would g e t up and push a heavy dresser i n f r o n t of t h e

door s o t h a t nothing could g e t i n . But t o no a v a i l . The f o r c e - - o r

whatever was behind t h e door-- would be s o fearsomely s t r o n g , t h a t t h e

d r e s s e r would move a s i d e , pushed by a sizzling energy. I ' d just
' stand t h e r e watching the antique d r e s s e r moving away from

153
 t h e door, and s e e i n g t h e door i t s e l f b u l g i n g inward toward me w i t h a

tremendous f o r c e about t o b u s t o f f h i s h i n g e s .
I woui d e i t h e r run back t o my bed and h i d e , p r e f e r a b l y under i t .

Or I wouI d stand there so p e t r i f i e d t h a t I was u n a b l e t o move. I

remembered t r y i n g t o scream, but n o t h i n g came o u t of my mouth. Some-

times I would wake up p a n t i n g , soaked i n p e r s p i r a t i o n . O r , I would

wake up on t h e f l o o r i n f r o n t of the door, partly covered by t h e

dresser. My h e a r t would be pounding s o s t r o n g l y , t h a t i t would t a k e
hours t o q u i e t down.
These e n c o u n t e r s became s o recurring that I told C l a r a about

them.
"That f o r c e is n o t h i n g t o sneeze a t , " s h e s a i d s e r i o u s l y . "You
s a y t h e door i s a b o u t t o b u r s t o f f i t s h i n g e s . Watch o u t ! Whatever i s

, . . prowling o u t t h e r e is about t o come i n . "

"What w i l l happen i f i t d o e s ? " I asked. " W i l l I d i e ? "
"Who can t e l l , " s h e s a i d . "That f o r c e i s determined t o g e t you."
"Why is it a f t e r me?" I asked. "What d i d I do wrong?"
I n my mind, I ran t h e gamut of a l l t h e s i n s of commission and

o m i s s i o n , and t h e r e were p l e n t y of them.

" I t ' s n o t what you d i d n ' t d o , " s h e s a i d shaking h e r head p a t h e t i -

c a l l y . "It what you d i d do. You've been doing your s o r c e r y p a s s e s ,

e s p e c i a l l y , t h e one where you g r a b t h e imaginary s l i d i n g door and p u l l

i t open. T h a t ' s t h e one t h a t s t a r t e d t h i s whole t h i n g . And t h a t ' s t h e

one t h a t may s a v e you i n a pinch."

"What kind o t p i n c h a r e you t a l k i n g a b o u t , C l a r a . W i l l the force
r e a l l y come a f t e r me?".
 "You b e t your boots. I'd say i t ' s about t o b u r s t through t h e

door any moment now, and when i t does, y o u ' r e going t o have t o p u t up

a fight."
I t e l t my stomach s i n k r i g h t t h e r e . " I ' d r a t h e r f l e e than f i g h t , "

I said. " I ' m a coward. I only pretend t o be tough. And sometimes I

d o n ' t even p r e t e n d well.''

C l a r a looked me up and down g r o g g i l y and shook h e r head. "You

o n l y s a y y o u ' r e a coward, o u t of h a b i t , " s h e remarked. "You're t o u g h e r

t h a n you l e t on."

"Let me be t h e judge of t h a t , C l a r a , " I i n s i s t e d . "And I s a y when

i t comes t o n i g h t m a r i s h f o r c e s , I ' m a coward."

She laughed and s i g h e d r e s i g n e d . "Have it your way, T a i s h a , i t

really doesn't m a t t e r what you a r e . The t h i n g t h a t counts i s what you

1 do when t h e f o r c e comes through t h a t door."

"What should I do?" I asked.

"You g r a b i t l i k e t h i s , and shake i t l i k e a huge t u r k i s h towel."

She demonstrated by holding up her two f i s t s a s i f s h e were

grabbing something i n m i d - a i r and began f l i n g her arms up and down

wildly, thrashing about as i t s h e were h o l d i n g something i n v i s i b l e

t h a t was u n s t o p p a b l e i n i t s t u r y .

"Keep hold o t i t , " s h e warned. "Don't you d a r e l e t g o , no m a t t e r

how hard i t t h r a s h e s you about."

Right t h e r e I knew I was l o s t , but my r a t i o n a l mind needed t o

know t h e v e r y w o r s t t h a t c o u l d happen, s o I asked, "What w i l l happen

i f I l e t go?"

She stopped her bizarre g y r a t i o n s and looked me i n t h e eye. Her

, ,
) e x p r e s s i o n w a s c o l d and ominous. "The ally w i l l gobble you u p , " she
. .,.

155
 said. " I t l i k e s tender l i t t l e cowards." And t h e n s h e made t h e most
ominous b i t i n g n o i s e s w i t h h e r t e e t h , as she s a i d , "Yum, Yum, yummy
yumm, yum, " o v e r and over.
As C l a r a went on w i t h h e r yummy yum yums s h e rubbed h e r stomach

and p a t t e d h e r head a t t h e same t i m e i n o p p o s i t e c i r c l e s . Then I knew

t h a t one of us had l o s t t h e i r mind, and I wondered i f i t w a s n ' t me.

I had decided t h e n and t h e r e t o d i s r e g a r d h e r a d v i c e a s b o r d e r i n g

on t h e a b s u r d , and t o my r e l i e f , I d i d n ' t have t h e e n c o u n t e r a g a i n t h e

rest ot t h a t week. But t h e f o l l o w i n g week, r i g h t b e f o r e my m e n s t r u a l

p e r i o d , I t e i t t h e f o r c e a g a i n . T h i s t i m e , it was prowling o u t s i d e my

door w i t h an i n c r e a s e d ferocity. As I s t o o d i n f r o n t of t h e d o o r , I
could t e l l it meant business by the fierce white light t h a t was
b u r s t i n g under t h e door and through t h e c r a c k s on t h e s i d e s , c r a c k s

) t h a t were g e t t i n g l a r g e r a s t h e s t u r d y door was being pushed away from

i t s hinges.
I didn't even have time t o run t o my bed. The door b u r s t a s i d e ,
o r r a t h e r was snapped o t f , and f l u n g t o the side, and I was f a c e t o
face with a most blinding white l i g h t t h a t was t h e s i z e of t h e door

frame. I was p e t r i f i e d , f r o z e n to the core. I couldn't scream o r

breath. As i t began advancing toward me, I was a b o u t t o f a i n t . Then I

r e a l i z e d t h a t t h i s s i z z l i n g g l o b o t l i g h t was a b s o l u t e l y c o n s c i o u s and
aware. B e f o r e I passed out, I heard i n my e a r C l a r a ' s v o i c e s a y i n g

yummy yum yum, o v e r and over.

I had a moment of d e c i s i o n , of e i t h e r g e t t i n g r o i l e d o v e r by t h e
boulder of light, or of g r a b b i n g i t and shaking it l i k e C l a r a had
shown me. Some f o r c e i n s i d e me r a l l i e d , and i n s p i t e of myself, I
, .
'\ i n s t i n c t i v e l y lurched forward d i v i n g into the b a l l of l i g h t head on
156
l i k e one would d i v e i n t o a huge wave i n t h e sea. I knew I would be

electrocuted, fried to a c r i s p a s when throwing a h a i r d r y e r i n t o t h e

b a t h t u b ; but t o my amazement, t h e e l e c t r i c i t y was n o t h o t a t a l l . The
s i z z l i n g was c o o l , y e t tremendously f o r c e f u l .

I grabbed onto i t , and hung on w i t h a l l my might a s i t t h r a s h e d

me a b o u t , t i r s t trom s i d e t o s i d e a s it t r i e d t o shake me o f t , t h e n i n

c i r c l e s , as we r o l l e d on t h e f l o o r . I f e l t a s i f I were tumbled by a

wave on t h e ocean bottom. Its torce was so strong, that I lost

c o n s c i o u s n e s s , but something i n me k e p t on grabbing.

Then, g r a d u a l l y , t h e f o r c e seemed t o diminish. I t became s t i f f e r ,

r i g i d , t h e n , more f l a c c i d , having l o s t much o t i t s sizzling quality.

I t became f l a t and spongy, t h e n , almost vaporous, u n t i l it e v a p o r a t e d
a l t o g e t h e r and I was l e t t on t h e f l o o r h o l d i n g o n t o n o t h i n g .

I took a deep b r e a t h and p e r s p i r i n g , walked t o my bed. A l l I

could t h i n k of was, "What t h e h e l l was t h a t ? " When I woke up t h e n e x t
morning, I t o l d Clara what had happened. She no l o n g e r seemed i n t e r e s -

ted.
9,
Now, t h e y won't b o t h e r you a g a i n , " was a l l s h e s a i d . "You'd be
s u r p r i s e d how word g e t s around on the energetic p l a n e . Forces know

t h a t t h e y have a n o t h e r t h i n g coming i f t h e y mess w i t h Taisha."

"What f o r c e s a r e t h o s e ? " I asked C l a r a .
She s a i d it was j u s t a f o r c e t h a t permeated t h e u n i v e r s e , bundles
of e n e r g y , aware and p r e d a t o r i a l l i k e e v e r y t h i n g e l s e i n e x i s t a n c e .
Kernembering t h e encounter gave me t h e s h i v e r s . I moved c l o s e r t o
Carlos i n the front seat, so my arm touched h i s . We drove back t o
Vicam S t a t i o n i n complete s i l e n c e .
 P a s c o l a Dances

Wemet Benny i n t h e s t o r e a t Vicam s t a t i o n where we were buying

bread and f r u i t f o r our lunch. He said that i f we h u r r i e d w e could

g e t t o Potam i n time t o s e e t h e P a s c o l a dances t h a t were a p a r t of t h e

c e l e b r a t i o n s honoring t h e Holy T r i n i t y , t h e p a t r o n of t h e church. On

t h e way I asked Benny t o t e l l me about t h e f e s t i v i t i e s . He e x p l a i n e d

t h a t they included dancing, singing, playing musical instruments,

c o l o r f u l p r o c e s s i o n s , and a f i r e w o r k s d i s p l a y a f t e r dark.

"And of course plenty of food and d r i n k i n g , " he added w i t h a

grin.

Under Benny's e x p e r t g u i d a n c e , we made it to Potam i n record

time. The s t r e e t s were s o crowded, t h a t we had a h a r d time maneuvering

t h e c a r through t h e t h r o n g s of s p e c t a t o r s . Yaquis and Mexicans from

a l l over Sonora had gathered f o r t h e c e l e b r a t i o n s t h a t were t a k i n g

p l a c e i n t h e p l a z a i n f r o n t of t h e church. Two ramadas had been s e t

u p , on the east and west s i d e s of t h e p l a z a , manned by two groups of.

f o u r f e s t i v a l managers, o r f i e s t e r o s .

"The t Q u r wearing red h e a d d r e s s e s , c a r r y i n g t h e r e d f l a g s manage

t h e western ramada," Benny s a i d . "The ones on t h e e a s t e r n ramada have

on blue h e a d d r e s s e s and c a r r y blue f l a g s . "

I craned my neck t o s e e t h e d i f f e r e n t managers m i l l i n g about t h e

ramadas.

158
 "Why do t h e y have on d i f f e r e n t c o l o r e d costumes?" I asked.

"The ' b l u e s ' a r e t h e C h r i s t i a n s , " Benny e x p l a i n e d . "The r e d s ones

a r e t h e Moors."

' I d i d n ' t know t h e r e were floors i n Sonora," I s a i d s u r p r i s e d .

C a r l o s gave me a nudge. "They are not really Moors," he s a i d

impatiently . "They a r e only p l a y i n g t h e p a r t of t h e Moors. You s e e ,

the fiesta is a dramatization of the fifteenth century c o n f l i c t

between t h e C h r i s t i a n s and t h e Moors i n Spain."

How t h a t European s t r u g g l e had woven i t s e l f i n t o t h e ceremonies

of a s m a l l Yaqui v i l l a g e was beyond my knowledge of h i s t o r y . I noticed

t h a t the red f i e s t e r o s o r moros were wearing a s m a l l cone shaped h a t

made of wood about t o u r inches h i g h . Un top of i t was i n s e r t e d a m e t a l

c r e s c e n t from which hung a r e d c l o t h t h a t covered t h e i r heads and most

o t t h e 'moro's f a c e .

"We have t o keep our eyes on the blue ones," Carlos s a i d ,

pointing in the opposite d i r e c t i o n . "The Christians a r e a t t h e East

side."

"Why do we have t o watch t h e C h r i s t i a n s ? " I asked, i n t r i g u e d by

what t h e Moors were doing.

"Because i t is at t h e e a s t e r n ramada where t h e PascoLa and d e e r

dances w i l l t a k e p l a c e , " he e x p l a i n e d :

1 s t o o d on my t o e s t o s e e t h e men d r e s s e d i n blue head g e a r . I

noticed t h a t t h e y were wearing b l u e r i b b o n s t i e d around t h e i r h e a d s ;

t h e c l o t h completely covering t h e i r hair and the upper p o r t i o n of

t h e i r shoulders. They, t o o , were c a r r y i n g wooden s t i c k s , b u t i n s t e a d ,

o t a c r e s c e n t , t h e y had a m e t a l c r o s s on t h e t i p .
 I c o u l d n ' t s e e w e l l , s o we moved through an opening i n t h e crowd

t o a p l a c e n e a r t h e church s t e p s . From t h e r e we had a b i r d ' s eye view

of t h e e a s t o r C h r i s t i a n end of t h e p l a z a where t h e dancing would t a k e

place. The musicians had already begun t o warm up t h e i r v i o l i n s ,

h a r p s , r e e d w h i s t l e s and drums. Then t h e d a n c e r s came o u t , d r e s s e d i n

apron l i k e l o i n c l o t h s , f r i n g e d v e s t s , l e g g i n g s and masks.

"What i s t h e meaning of t h e P a s c o l a dances and of t h e masks?" I

asked s t a n d i n g on a low wall to get a better view. "Is there a

r e l i g i o u s s i g n i f i c a n c e t o t h e dances?"

"There is," Carlos said. "The Yaquis b e l i e v e t h a t baptism

a l r e a d y e x i s t e d b e f o r e t h e coming of t h e S p a n i a r d s . Those who d i d n o t

wish t o be b a p t i z e d became enchanted. They had t h e power t o t r a n s c e n d

d e a t h , and e x i s t e d on an i n v i s i b l e p l a n e superimposed on t h e Yaqui

tribal territory. The Yaqui b e l i e v e t h a t t h e r e i s ' a n o t h e r world which

is always t h e r e , j u s t a s t h i s world s u r r o u n d s u s . "

"Are t h e i n v i s i b l e p e o p l e g h o s t s o r phantoms?"

"They a r e n o t d e a d , " Carlos explained. "The Yaquis c a l l e d them

t h e people of t h e Monte. They b e l i e v e t h a t t h e u n b a p t i z e d ones o r

i n v i s i b l e ones a r e t h e s o u r c e of t h e dances and music played f o r t h e

pascola. "

"There a r e stories ot caves i n t h e h i l l s where men have encoun-

t e r e d t h e i n v i s i b l e p e o p l e and have l e a r n e d t o p l a y t h e music t o r t h e

p a s c o l a dances d i r e c t l y trom them," Benny i n t e r j e c t e d .

"What about t h e dances themselves?" I asked. "Who t a u g h t them t h e

movements?"

"The p e o p l e of t h e Monte," s a i d Benny. "They, t o o , a r e learned

' w i t h t h e h e l p o t t h e i n v i s i b l e people. Sometimes one can h e a r p a s c o l a

16U
 music i n t h e bush where t h e r e a r e no people. And t h e Yaqui know t h a t

it i s t h e people o t t h e Monte p l a y i n g . Personally, I t h i n k i t ' s the

wind. But t h e n , I ' m n o t a Yaqui."

I watched t h e e a s t end where t h e dancing had begun. The dancers

were making t h e most b i z a r r e movements, a s it t h e y had no c o n t r o l o v e r

t h e musculature of t h e i r arms and l e g s . And t h e sounds t h a t came o u t

o t their mouths were a n i m a l i s t i c growls and s h r i e k s u n l i k e any human

sounds I had e v e r heard.

"They look w i e r d , " I whispered t o Carlos. "And t h e y sound even

weirder. "

" T h a t ' s because they a r e giving the d e l i b e r a t e impression t h a t

t h e y a r e coming from t h e s p i r i t world. The reason t h e y wear masks and

make t h o s e u n i n t e l l i g i b l e sounds, i s because t h e y h a v e n ' t y e t l e a r n e d

t o speak t h e Language of men, o r move t h e i r arms and l e g s a s i s proper

.
t o human b e i n g s . The d a n c e r s must be introduced gradually into the

world o t men."

As we moved c l o s e r to the e a s t e r n ramada, Benny e x p l a i n e d and

Carlos t r a n s l a t e d other aspects of Yaqui tradition. I learned t h a t

t h e dancers a r e Delieved t o have a d i r e c t c o n n e c t i o n w i t h t h e animals

of t h e Monte, whom t h e y r e g a r d a s t h e i r g u a r d i a n s and t e a c h e r s . The

e n t i r e dance i s a dramatization OF the passage from one world, the

i n v i s i b l e realm of t i m e l e s s e x i s t e n c e , i n t o t h e world o t temporal and

s p a c i a l l i m i t s i n h a b i t e d by man. And t h e n they moved back into the

t i m e l e s s w i t h t h e h e l p of t h e animals t h a t t h e masks r e p r e s e n t e d .

As I watched the dancers i n t h e i r costumes, I n o t i c e t h a t on

t h e i r c a l v e s and a n k l e s t h e y wore bands o n t o which were sewn hundreds

l
o r cocoons that rattled whenever they took a s t e p . They danced i n a

1 b1
 c i r c l e , moving t h e i r arms and legs rhythmically to t h e musicians

tunes. After a while t h e y seemed t o l o s e t h e i r s t r a n g e n e s s and moved

smoothly i n s y n c h r o n i z a t i o n w i t h t h e music. Then t h e y advanced t o t h e
c e n t e r of t h e square, then turned s e p a r a t i n g t o f a c e t h e f o u r d i r e c t -

i o n s , a l l t h e while thumping t h e i r f e e t so that the cocoon r a t t l e s

made d r y r a s p i n g sounds. They mingled w i t h t h e music of t h e v i o l i n s ,
drums and f l u t e s , s o t h a t t o g e t h e r t h e y produced a h y p n o t i c m i x t u r e of

mesmeric r e v e r b e r a t i o n .
After a while, another dancer came o u t t o j o i n t t h e group of

p a s c o l a d a n c e r s . Benny s a i d he was t h e d e e r d a n c e r , which was denoted

by t h e t a c t t h a t he was wearing a d e e r ' s head a s p a r t of h i s costume.
He symbolized t h e magical deer t h a t inhabited Monte, t h e realm
t h a t existed b e f o r e time began. Accompanying t h e deer dancer, w a s a

,"
group o t s i n g e r s , s i n g i n g s p e c i a l songs.
' E e e s . The d e e r songs a r e v e r y p o e t i c , " Benny s a i d .
"What a r e t h e y a b o u t ? " I asked.
"They a r e songs of t h i n g s t h a t happened l o n g ago. But i t i s not

necessary t o believe t h a t t h e y r e a l l y happened o r t h a t t h e y a r e t r u e

t o a p p r e c i a t e t h e i r beauty.. The Yaqui take pride in the t e l l i n g of

t h e s e s t o r i e s .It.
I watched as the d e e r dancer moved h i s t a u n t body. He seemed t o
have g r e a t endurance. H i s head was bowed a s i f i n a t r a n c e , induced by
t h e rhythmic shakes of t h e g i a n t gourd r a t t l e s he h e l d i n each hand.
He no l o n g e r seemed aware o t t h e world around him, as if h i s own
r e p e t i t i v e movements had c a r r i e d him i n t o a n o t h e r realm.
I noticed t h a t t h e monotonous sounds were a l s o h a v i n g a d e l i t e r -
1,'
e
, .
:
i o u s a f f e c t on me. I seemed t o have e n t e r e d a mild s t u p o r brought on
..
1b 2
 by the repetitive sound ot the instruments and by t h e rhythmic
thumping o t t h e d a n c e r ' s f e e t t h a t made t h e c l u s t e r of cocoons on h i s
ankles rattle. At one point, it seemed a s i f I were viewing t h e
d a n c e r ' s world superimposed on t h e r e a l i t y t h a t was i n f r o n t of me.
The more I focused my a t t e n t i o n on t h e dancer wearing t h e deer

mask, t h e more my own head began t o sway. I heard a v o i c e i n s i d e me

t e l l i n g me t o keep my eyes on the dancer. His movements seemed

p a r t i c u l a r l y smooth a s i t he were p r o p e l l e d by an o u t s i d e f o r c e ; a s i f
h i s body was no l o n g e r made of f l e s h and bone. He was f l u i d , empty,

merging w i t h t h e world of t h e i n v i s i b l e p e o p l e and t h e s p i r i t animals.

P e r h a p s , what t h e Yaqui b e l i e v e d w s t r u e ; and t h a t dancing and w e a r i n g .

masks allows one t o t r a n s c e n d o n e ' s humanness, s l i p o u t s i d e t h e g r i p
of t i m e , and momentarily p e r c e i v e from a d i f f e r e n t p e r s p e c t i v e .
Like t h e s o r c e r e r s who had t r a i n e d me, a consummate d a n c e r can
g r a s p knowledge and s e e t h i n g s beyond the limitations o t h i s human
form. P e r h a p s , f o r a moment, through t h e union w i t h t h e dance and t h e
sound of the reed whistle, drums, and r a t t l i n g of a thousand dry
cocoons, h e i s a b l e t o become what h e was before t h e a n a l y t i c mind
began t o dominate man. I t 1 s . a way of r e g a i n i n g h i s h e r i t a g e and once

a g a i n , becoming one w i t h t h e i n v i s i b l e p e o p l e of t h e t i m e l e s s ' p l a n e .

As I watched t h e d a n c e r s thumping t h e ground w i t h t h e i r l e g s , and

moving i n a semi c i r c l e , I r e a l i z e d how incomprehensible t h e world of

t h e Yaqui I n d i a n was t o an o u t s i d e r . Unless a person became a P a s c o l a

dancer, steeped i n Yaqui ways, one could n o t really appreciate the

event t h a t were t a k i n g p l a c e . And t o be a dancer one had t o be a

member of t h e Yaqui c u l t u r e , and even t h e n , i t would t a k e y e a r s of
, &

' t r a i n i n g with a master teacher, to perfect the art. U n l e s s , one

 learned d i r e c t l y from one of t h e i n v i s i b l e p e o p l e o r animals of t h e

Monte.
I t was c l e a r t o me t h a t an e x t e r n a l d e s c r i p t i o n , such a s those
p r e s e n t e d by a n t h r o p o l o g i s t s , would n o t a d e q u a t e l y d e p i c t what went on
inside the Yaqui deer dancer's head. An anthropologist, a s an
observer, could o n l y d e s c r i b e what he saw from h i s e x t e r n a l v a n t a g e

point; f o r example, t h e costumes, t h e dances s t e p s , or the stories

t h a t were t o l d by t h e s i n g e r s about Yaqui h i s t o r y . The a n t h r o p o l o g i s t
would a n a l y z e t h e Yaqui myths, r e c o r d t h e i r music and e v e n t u a l l y f i l e
them away in the enthomusicological arcives as part of a dying

tradition.

U r he might examined t h e Yaqui s o c i a l s t r u c t u r e t o s e e how p e o p l e

were organized in terms of the s t a t u s and r o l e s o r t h e i r k i n s h i p

. 1')
. .
r e l a t i o n s h i p s . , O r he might dwell on the prescribed o r proscribed
b e h a v i o r s t h a t t h e members need t o f u l f i l . He could d i s c u s s t h e t a s k s
each person had t o accomplish i n order for the festivities t o run

smoothly. For example, what were the duties of t h e b l u e and r e d

fiesteros. Or he might examine the function the f e s t i v i t i e s and
dances had i n s e r v i n g t h e community o r t h e i r importance i n s t r e n g t h e n -

ing s o c i a l solidarity.
I t was obvious t h a t the celebrations gave t h e people a strong
s e n s e of communal cohesion. Hundreds had g a t h e r e d w i t h t h e i r f a m i l i e s

and r e l a t i v e s from n e i g h b o r i n g towns t o watch t h e d a n c e s , and t o wait

t o r food t o be s e r v e d and t h e drinking t o begin. An a n t h r o p o l o g i s t
would undoubtedly r e p o r t t h a t the festivities o f f e r its p a r t i c i p a n t s
and s p e c t a t o r s a chance t o escape t h e mundane drudgery o f everyday
life. Through r i t u a l e x p r e s s i o n , it t a k e s t h e c o l l e c t i v e mind o u t of

164
t h e realm of t h e p r o f a n e and e l e v a t e s it t o t h e l e v e l of t h e s a c r e d ,
r e v i v i n g t h e e v e r - p r e s e n t myths of the past. As the dancers t e l l
s t o r i e s w i t h t h e i r masks and movements, p e o p l e could r e l i v e t h e e v e n t s
of Yaqui h i s t o r y , t h e r e b y , giving f l e s h and s u b s t a n c e t o happenings
t h a t may or may n o t have o c c u r r e d i n a c t u a l t i m e .

As the gamut of a n t h r o p o l o g i c a l e x p l a n a t i o n s of t h e f e s t i v i t i e s

r a n through my mind, it was evident that in order t o understand

something, i t was n o t enough t o see things from an o b j e c t i v e view-

point, describing things in order that other researchers could

r e p l i c a t e what one heard and saw. I n o r d e r t o u n d e r s t a n d t h e phenome-

non one needed t o become a member of t h a t s o c i e t y o r group. What was
it l i k e , I wondered, to be behind t h e mask of t h e d a n c e r , t o c r e a t e
t h e f e s t i v a l , n o t a s an o u t s i d e r , but a s a member of t h e group, and

see the world a s t h e d e e r dancer himself saw i t . I n o t h e r words, one

had t o bite into an a p p l e to taste o r experience its essence, not

merely d e s c r i b e i t s p r o p e r t i e s from t h e o u t s i d e .
Yet t h e r e v e r s e was also true. A Yaqui I n d i a n , w i t h o u t having

a t t e n d e d a u n i v e r s i t y , would find it impossible to understand t h e

concepts and theories of the discipline of Anthropology. For a

p e r s o n who could n o t r e a d o r w r i t e , t h e r u l e s of academic l i f e would

be incomprehensible. The masked dancer could n e v e r become a p r o f e s s o r

of a n t h r o p o l o g y , u n l e s s he went through t h e r a n k s and worked h i s way

up t h e s c h o l a s t i c l a d d e r . For t h a t , he would have t o begin a t an e a r l y

a g e t o l e a r n t h e r a m i f i c a t i o n s of academic l i f e . It would t a k e y e a r s
of s p e c i a l i z e d t r a i n i n g , j u s t a s i t would t o become a p a s c o l a dancer.
When t h e dances were o v e r , t h e d a n c e r s mingled w i t h t h e crowds,
t o entertain t h e children a s was part ot t h e i r duties. P a r e n t s had
165
,...,>
,.. ; hoisted t h e i r children onto t h e i r shoulders, s o they could s e e t h e
clowning and c a v o r t i n g t h a t was t a k i n g p l a c e . I noticed the child in

f r o n t of me, r i d i n g on h i s f a t h e r ' s back. For an i n s t a n t , I had t h e

c e r t a i n t y t h a t I , t o o , had r i d d e n on someone back, and n o t a s a c h i l d .

Yet f o r t h e l i f e of me I could n o t remember when i t had been.

Then, a s I watched t h e c h i l d , l o o k i n g o v e r h i s f a t h e r ' s s h o u l d e r ,

a t o t a l recollection struck me, a s it blown on t h e nagging breeze

t h a t kept r u f f l i n g t h e back of my neck. I saw myself hanging from t h e

harness in t h e g i a n t t r e e in front of Clara's house. Someone was

standing a t the toot 02 t h e t r e e , grabbing my l e g s and swinging me

back and f o r t h . I d i d n ' t g e t nauseous o r d i z z y . On t h e c o n t r a r y , I was

yelling gleetully, t o be pushed a g a i n , t o r t h e s e n s a t i o n o t swinging

was s h e e r d e l i g h t t o me.

I looked down and saw C a r l o s pushing me. H e asked i f I wanted t o

ride on his shoulders. I said I was t o o heavy, but he s a i d t h e

h a r n e s s would s u p p o r t most o t my weight. I lowered myself down o n t o

h i s shoulders and h e l d onto h i s head. tie hooked h i s arms around my

l e g s and o f f we went i n s m a l l c i r c l e s . We were l a u g h i n g s o hard t h a t

I d i d n ' t even n o t i c e t h a t t h e h a r n e s s had g o t t e n t a n g l e d . When he l e t

go, I was s p i n n i n g l i k e a t o p t h a t had been wound up.

I shook my head t o d i s p e l t h e memory. I t c o u l d n ' t have happened,

I thought; i t was something I was j u s t imagining. Yet t h e v i s i o n and

feeling o t having known Carlos before was s o s t r o n g and d e l i n e a t e d

that I had t r o u b l e d i s p e l i n g i t . I took hold of h i s arm, s o as n o t t o

g e t s e p a r a t e d a s we moved through t h e crowd on o u r way back t o the

car.
, : Benny had wanted to stay for t h e dancing and f i r e w o r k s , but

Carlos s a i d he needed t o make a n o t h e r s t o p , t o c o l l e c t some masks and

perhaps a s e t of cocoon r a t t l e s f o r t h e museum. We l e f t Benny i n t h e

company of some of h i s f r i e n d s , and drove back t o Vicam S t a t i o n . But

before reaching the town, Carlos suddenly v e e r e d off the main

highway, o n t o an o b s c u r e r o a d a s if he knew exactly where he was

going.

After several m i l e s of a bumpy r i d e , he parked t h e c a r on a w e l l

packed a r e a of ground n e a r an adobe house almost completely hidden by

shrubs. As we got o u t , he s a i d c a s u a l l y , t h a t we were n o t t h e r e t o

look a t masks, but t h a t it was don J u a n ' s house and h e had wanted t o

s e e i f he was home. C a r l o s c a l l e d o u t announcing o u r p r e s e n c e , but no

one came t o t h e door. I w a i t i n t h e c a r w h i l e Carlos walked down t h e

I road to see if he could c a t c h don Juan r e t u r n i n g from t h e s t o r e .

Carlos s a i d h e had a s t r o n g f e e l i n g t h a t he would e n c o u n t e r him on t h e

road t h e way he had done on t h e p r e v i o u s occasions he had come t o

v i s i t him.

For a w h i l e I w a i t e d i n t h e c a r , t h e n I grew r e s t l e s s a n d d e c i d e d

to sit on a bench t h a t was n e a r t h e house. I wanted t o s k e t c h t h e

f e n c e s and t h e Sonoran house c o n s t r u c t i o n , t o complement t h e sketches

I had made e a r l i e r o t the desert chaparral. I brought a b o t t l e of

m i n e r a l w a t e r w i t h me from t h e c a r and made myself c o m f o r t a b l e on t h e

roughly hewn bench.

After a few m i n u t e s , a w i r y man i n h i s e a r l y f i f t i e s came o u t of

t h e house and s t r e t c h e d a s i t he had been a s l e e p . I g r e e t e d him and

t r i e d t o e x p l a i n i n S p a n i s h , who I was and why I was s i t t i n g under h i s
I ramada.
 "I a l r e a d y know who you a r e , " he s a i d i n E n g l i s h .

He had on a sombrero and a s he i n t r o d u c e d h i m s e l f a s Juan Matus,

he removed i t from h i s head and made a s l i g h t bow i n t h e manner of a

gentleman. When he r a i s e d up a g a i n , I could s e e h i s f a c e . I f e l t my

stomach s i n k and my mouth t a l l open a s I r e g i s t e r e d a moment o f s h e e r

confusion. I t was John Michael Abelar. I could b a r e l y r e c o g n i z e him

but i t was unmistakably he. He had t h a t same s t r e n g t h and v i b r a n c y ,

and t h e same s h i n y eyes t h a t could change i n an i n s t a n t from calmness

t o ferocity.
"Mr. Abelarl What a r e you doing d r e s s e d up a s a Yaqui I n d i a n ? I
almost d i d n ' t r e c o g n i z e you."
"When i n Rome, do a s t h e Komans d o , " he s a i d w i t h a laugh. 'In
these p a r t ' s I ' m known a s J u a n Matus. But you can c a l l me what e v e r
you wish."
After the initial shock of seeing him had subsided, I was
surprised at how easy it was t o be i n h i s company. The energy he
imparted t o t h e encounter made my i n h e r e n t s t i f f n e s s v a n i s h . I knew I
ought t o have been t e r r i f i e d of him, but somehow I w a s n ' t . He exuded
a s e n s e o t r e a s o n a b l e n e s s and f a i r n e s s t h a t gave t h e impression t h a t

i n a l l h i s d e a l i n g s , he was impeccable. I n f a c t , I was s o a t e a s e w i t h

him t h a t I wanted t o r e g a r d him a s a f a m i l i a r r e l a t i v e . "

" J u s t d o n ' t c a l l me g r a n d p a , " h e t e a s e d r e a d i n g my t h o u g h t s .

" I ' l l c a l l you don J u a n , l i k e C a r l o s d o e s , " I s a i d . "As you s a i d ,
when i n Rome, do a s t h e Komans do."
He nodded. I noticed that on h i s porch were a s e t of cocoon
r a t t l e s l i k e t h e ones t h e P a s c o l a dancers had u s e d , and also, several

masks s i m i l a r t o t h e ones C a r l o s had bought a t t h e n e i g h b o r i n g s t o r e s .

"Seeing those cocoon rattles, I thought t h a t a p a s c o l a dancer
l i v e d h e r e , " I s a i d . "Do you go around masquerading a s o n e ? "
Don Juan laughed. " I ' v e l e a r n e d a tew of t h e Yaqui dance s t e p s i n
my y o u t h , " he admitted. "I l i v e d many y e a r s i n P a s c u a , a Yaqui town i n

Arizona. "

"What kind o t dances d i d you do?" I asked him.

"The d e e r dance was my s p e c i a l t y , " he s a i d walking o v e r t o where

I was s i t t i n g . He glanced a t my notebook i n which I had a l r e a d y begun

s k e t c h i n g p a r t o t t h e ramada and some of t h e masks.

"Can you t e l l me about the deer dance?" I asked c o v e r i n g my
drawings w i t h my forearm. I didn't t e l l him a b o u t t h e dances I had
j u s t s e e n i n Potam.
"Do you want a d e m o n s t r a t i o n ? " he o f f e r e d .
For a moment I h e s i t a t e d wondering i f I s h o u l d n ' t w a i t f o r C a r l o s

t o return.
" C a r l o s won't be back f o r q u i t e a w h i l e , " don Juan informed me.

"Right now h e ' s on h i s way t o Ciudad Obregon on some b u s i n e s s . "

"What kind of b u s i n e s s ? " I asked alarmed. "Besides h i s car i s
h e r e , how i s he going t o g e t t h e r e ? "
"Someone i s d r i v i n g him i n h e r c a r , " he s a i d w i t h an emphasis on
the 'her'. He peered a t me a s i f t o a s s e s s my r e a c t i o n .
I r e g i s t e r e d a moment of u n e a s i n e s s . "You mean h e ' s looking f o r

more masks? And what about me? What am I supposed t o do, w a i t i n t h e

c a r u n t i l he comes back?"
 "You're n o t t h e o n l y b u s i n e s s he h a s , young l a d y ," don Juan s a i d
sternly. ' R i g h t now h e ' s occupied elsewhere. He l e f t you h e r e i n my
care. "

' B u t when i s he coming back?"

"Not t o n i g h t , " he s a i d t e r s l y . He gave me a look t h a t l e f t no

room f o r any more q u e s t i o n s o r commentary.

"You've always been i n t e r e s t e d i n movements and i n m a r t i a l a r t s , "

he reminded me. "Yaqui dances a r e q u i t e d i f f e r e n t from O r i e n t a l move-

ments. "

Don Juan s t o o p e d o v e r and began t o p u t on t h e cocoon r a t t l e s t h a t

he had removed from a peg. Up c l o s e , I could s e e they were made from
hundreds o t d r i e d moth l a r v a e sewn o n t o a wide l e a t h e r s t r a p which he
t i e d around h i s c a l v e s . T h e n h e reached f o r a mask of a d e e r ' s head,
1
l i k e the one t h e d e e r d a n c e r i n Potam had worn. P a r t o f i t was made
o u t of a r e a l d e e r ' s head w i t h e a r s and a p o i n t e d s n o u t and a n t l e r s .

Don Juan was ready t o demonstrate the deer dance. Eagerly, I

picked up my pad and p e n c i l t o j o t down n o t e s . ijenny had e x p l a i n e d

t h a t t h e masked d a n c e r s communicated w i t h t h e realm of t h e i n v i s i b l e

ones through t h e i r movements, but I s t i l l d i d n o t know how i t was done

o r what t h e dance s t e p s s i g n i f i e d .
Don J u a n began smoothly sliding his sandled f e e t over t h e d i r t

f l o o r under t h e ramada, seemingly brushing t h e ground w i t h d e e r h o o f s .

H i s back was s l i g h t l y a r c h e d and his head was looking down. With
ankles and knees bent, his movements took on a sleek, graceful
appearance a s i f he were i d e n t i f y i n g w i t h t h e animal t h e mask r e p r e -
s e n t e d . H i s body became more l i m b e r , h i s movements l i g h t y e t f o r c e f u l .
He t w i s t e d h i s w a i s t and torso back and forth, swaying h i s arms
r h y t h m i c a l l y behind him t o t h e d r y r a t t l i n g sound of t h e cocoons. Then
a s e r i e s o t r a s p y y e t muffled shakes followed a s he r e p e a t e d l y thumped
down on t h e g r o u n d , a l t e r n a t i n g h i s f e e t .
He began t o c h a n t i n a monotonous t o n e i n a Language I could n o t

u n d e r s t a n d . The thumping and r a t t l i n g continued u n t i l my e y e l i d s grew

heavy. I t h o u g h t i t must be t h e h e a t o r a l l t h e e x c i t e m e n t of t h e day
t h a t was making me t i r e d and I t r i e d hard t o keep my e y e s open. but

soon my head began bobbing up and down j u s t l i k e don J u a n ' s , u n t i l I

could no Longer s t a y awake. The l a s t t h i n g I remember was my n o t e pad
slipping out of my lap onto the ground, but I d i d n o t have t h e

v o l i t i o n t o p i c k i t up.
I was w a t c h i n g a p u r p l e c i r c l e of light in front of my eyes

opening u n t i l I no l o n g e r saw a man masquerading a s a d e e r , g y r a t i n g

t o t h e sound of c h a n t i n g and cocoon r a t t l e s . I was seeing a forest,
and s t a n d i n g in front of me g a z i n g back through t h e opening of t h e
p u r p l e e y e , was a m a g n i f i c e n t d e e r . The hollow r a t t l i n g f a d e d i n t o t h e

d i s t a n c e and mingled w i t h t h e wind r u s t l i n g t h e branches o f t h e p i n e s ,

t h e l e a v e s on t h e ground, and w i t h t h e r u s h i n g of a n e a r b y stream.
flesmerized, I watched t h e d e e r g a z i n g back a t me.. I knew what i t
was t h i n k i n g . I t ' s words--for t h i s dream d e e r c o l d talk--came t o me on
t h e r u s t l i n g sounds of t h e ground l e a v e s . More w o r d l e s s sounds s p i l l e d
o u t of i t s mouth like a f o u n t a i n of bubbles t h a t f l o a t e d toward me.

I n s t a n t l y , I and t h e d e e r became f r i e n d s , f o r it t o o , c o u l d comprehend

my t h o u g h t s .
"Don't be surprised t h a t you can u n d e r s t a n d me," s a i d t h e d e e r
w i t h o u t moving i t s mouth. Although he spoke w i t h o u t w o r d s , t h a t was

t h e meaning h i s eyes were e x p r e s s i n g . " I f you l e t go of your l i m i t i n g

..
171
 i d e a s o t what i s r e a l and u n r e a l , a l l s o r t s of t h i n g s can happen. Deer

can t a l k t o o , and have f e e l i n g s . "

I thought, am I dreaming? What happened t o t h e d e s e r t ? How d i d I
come t o t h i s f o r g o t t e n f o r e s t ? No sooner had I thought t h e s e t h i n g s ,
when t h e deer t o l d me t h a t the forest e x i s t s i n a n o t h e r realm--the

realm o t myth-- and one e n t e r s t h a t realm by l e t t i n g go of t h e world

i n which one l i v e s .

"Hut how d i d t h i s happen?" I wondered. "Did I j u s t t a l l a s l e e p ? "

"The shaman's r a t t l e s helped t r a n s p o r t y o u , " e x p l a i n e d t h e d e e r ,
i t ' s l i q u i d eyes shimmering in the mellow afternoon light. "His

rhythmic sounds p u t you t o s l e e p and made you wake i n t h i s enchanted

realm. I am your f r i e n d , your guardian animal. If you have any
q u e s t i o n s about things j u s t f i n d me and I w i l l t e l l you t h e answers.
Now i s t h e r e a n y t h i n g i n p a r t i c u l a r you would l i k e t o know?"
I n s t i n c t i v e l y I looked f o r my notepad. I wanted t o w r i t e every-
t h i n g down the deer s a i d , so t h a t when I awoke, I would have proof

t h a t I had r e a l l y been where I seemed I was. I wanted t o a s k t h e deer

a i l s o r t s o t q u e s t i o n s , d e t a i l s about t h e f o r e s t and t h e n a t u r e of t h e
. .
g:,
world I was i n , but t h e more I tried to think, the less I could<.

f o r m u l a t e my thoughts.

"What is t h e meaning of l i f e ? " I b l u r t e d o u t .

The d e e r looked a t me t o r a n i n s t a n t and t h e n begun t o l a u g h , and

a s he laughed a m i l l i o n bubbles came o u t o t i t s mouth u n t i l a golden

fog rose up around me, completely opaquing t h e f o r e s t and t h e d e e r
i t s e l f . A l l I heard was t h e r u s h i n g s t r e a m and i t was t h a t sound t h a t
brought me back t o t h e d e s e r t h u t , and t o t h e masked d e e r dancer who
I was s t a n d i n g over my slumped body s t a r i n g a t me. Slowly, I remembered
 who and where I was and marvelled a t t h e s o r c e r y by which don J u a n had
t r a n s p o r t e d me i n t o t h e dream realm. I wanted t o ask i t he had a l s o
seen the deer, or i f he had a c t u a l l y become t h e d e e r h i m s e l f , but it

t o o k t o o much e f f o r t t o s p e a k .
Don Juan took o t t h i s mask and s c r u t i n i z e d me trom heat t o foot.
He knew t h a t I had s e e n a v i s i o n . I wanted t o ask him how i t was done,

how t h e p u r p l e eye had opened r i g h t i n f r o n t of me, but he motioned

tor me t o remain s i l e n t . He gave h i s cocoon r a t t l e s a few more s h a k e s

a s he s t e p p e d away trom me, then he stooped over and untied the
r a t t l e s from h i s a n k l e s .

"The cocoons are made of dried moth l a r v a e , " he e x p l a i n e d ,

h o l d i n g them up f o r me t o s e e . "When s o many a r e gathered together,
t h e y have t h e power t o break b a r r i e r s and t o t r a n s p o r t . The mask of.
., .,
, . t h e deer c a l l s the guardian s p i r i t to come to the window of t h i s
world. Then i t ' s easy t o s l i p though. You had a s h o r t j o u r n e y , but now

you know i t can be done. And you can go i n t o t h e world of dreaming

a g a i n whenever you want."
I stared at don Juan, only half b e l i e v i n g him. The t h o u g h t

occurred t o me t h a t he had p u t some powdered herbs into the water I

had been d r i n k i n g when h e stooped o v e r t o look a t my drawing. And t h a t
t h a t was what had a f f e c t e d me. I glanced a t the b o t t l e on t h e mud
brick ledge.

" I t was the deer mask and t h e cocoon r a t t l e s , " he a s s u r e d me.

"Nothing i n your d r i n k . If t h e dance and dancer have power, t o g e t h e r

t h e y can t r a n s p o r t one t o t h e o t h e r s i d e . "
Don Juan hung the rattles on a n a i l on t h e ramada p o s t . He
c a r e t u l l y wrapped t h e d e e r mask in a piece ot cloth t h e n excused

h i m s e l f and went i n s i d e t h e house t o p u t i t away.

The twilight spilled over the ground c a s t i n g l i q u i d shadows
everywhere. For a long time I sat staring at the notebook on t h e
ground, waiting t o r don Juan t o come back so I could a s k him more

q u e s t i o n s . But when he d i d n ' t come o u t , I f i n a l l y g o t up enough energy

t o go i n s i d e t h e house t o look t o r him. But don Juan w a s n ' t t h e r e . He

seemed t o have v a n i s h e d , p e r h a p s though that illusive crack i n t o the

world o t dreaming.
 1

C l e a n s i n g Angelica

I t was t o o windy to s i t under t h e ramada i n t h e d u s k , and t o o

spooky t o w a i t i n s i d e don J u a n ' s house, s o I decided t o s i t i n t h e c a r

u n t i l Carlos o r don Juan returned. I was absorbed i n w r i t i n g up my

n o t e s , when I heard a knocking on the windshield. I n e a r l y jumped

through t h e car roof. Don Juan was s t a r i n g through t h e g l a s s motion-

i n g me t o r o l l down t h e window.

" L e t ' s go f o r a w a l k , " he s a i d when I g o t o u t of t h e c a r . He was

, ..
. . c a r r y i n g a bundle t i e d t o h i s back l i k e a knapsack.
"fiut won't i t be d a r k soon?" I s a i d .

' S o much t h e b e t t e r ," he r e p l i e d .

O b e d i e n t l y , I put on my poncho and sombrero and followed him i n t o

t h e c h a p a r r a l . According t o my compass, which I always c a r r i e d w i t h

me, we were heading i n a westerly direction. A s I t r u d g e d behind

him, I n o t i c e d h i s hands. The t i p s of h i s middle and r i n g f i n g e r s

were c u r l e d and p r e s s e d against the palms, w h i l e t h e thumbs, i n d e x ,

and pinky f i n g e r s were extended i n a n a t u r a l p o s i t i o n .

,,Keep your fingers l i k e t h i s and you won't t i r e y o u r s e l f , " he

s a i d holding up h i s hand f o r me t o see. "And p o s i t i o n i n g your gaze

j u s t above t h e h o r i z o n h e l p s t o q u i e t your thoughts. If you succeed,

you w i l l have more energy w h i l e walking."

"Where a r e we going?" I asked t r y i n g t o copy h i s hand p o s i t i o n .

 "To a p l a c e of power," he s a i d p i c k i n g up h i s pace.
Even thought I kept my g a z e j u s t above t h e h o r i z o n a s don Juan

had recommended. I could n o t q u i e t my t h o u g h t s . I was l i n i n g up i n my

mind a l l t h e q u e s t i o n s I had been u n a b l e t o a s k him e a r l i e r . Now t h e y

were b u r s t i n g t o g e t o u t .

"Was i t r e a l l y t h e power of t h e mask and dance movements t h a t

c a u s e me t o have t h a t v i s i o n o f t h e d e e r ? " I b l u r t e d o u t .
"The r a t t l i n g o t t h e cocoons was t h e l i n e t h a t took you i n t o t h e
dream world and t h e l i n k t h a t brought you back," don Juan s a i d . "But
t h e d a n c e r himself can move someone w i t h h i s i n t e n t . "
"What do you mean by i n t e n t ? " I asked.

I mean that the energy coming o u t o t t h e dancer can impinge on

t h e energy of t h e o b s e r v e r , and can change t h e world around him. You,

J being l i q u i d , were e a s i l y moved."

' B u t is t h e r e r e a l l y a n o t h e r world one can e n t e r ? Do you b e l i e v e
t h e Yaqui myth o t the realm of the Monte populated by i n v i s i b l e
people? And what a b o u t t h e s p i r i t a n i m a l s , do t h e y e x i s t ? "

He stopped t o p e e r a t me f o r an i n s t a n t . " A f t e r what y o u ' v e s e e n ,

how can you a s k t h o s e q u e s t i o n ? "
8,
I j u s t want your o p i n i o n , " I s a i d d e f e n s i v e l y .

"The Yaqui I n d i a n s c a l l it t h e realm of t h e Monte, but I c a l l it

t h e world o t dreaming," he said. "Women a r e b e t t e r a t s l i p p i n g i n t o
t h i s realm t h a n men because t h e y a r e l e s s r i g i d i n t h e i r expectations
and b e l i e f s . Now, no more q u e s t i o n s . L e t ' s walk i n s i l e n c e . "
The d i s t a n t h i l l s were a l r e a d y bathed i n shades of d a r k p u r p l e .
And t h e sky was what my art teachers had always called a perfect

I watercolor sky; with billowing clouds i n d i f f e r e n t shades o t grey,

176
 r e d , and p i n k . We came towards a clump of g r e e n shrubby and a long
row of c o t t o n wood t r e e s . When we were c l o s e r , I could s e e t h a t t h e
upper branches of t h e t r e e s had been c u t o f f , as i f they had been
h a r v e s t e d o r someone had done a poor job o t pruning. S t i l l , it was one
of t h e tew a r e a s i n t h e t e r r a i n where t h e r e was l u s h v e g e t a t i o n .
" T h a t ' s t h e Yaqui r i v e r , " don Juan s a i d p o i n t i n g t o t h e clump o f

trees. "It cuts across the t e r r i t o r y , b r i n g i n g t h e only s o u r c e of

w a t e r t o t h e l a n d . T h a t ' s why p l a c e s a l o n g i t a r e power s p o t s . P l a n t s

and animals f l o c k t o them, a s w e l l a s s p i r i t s t h a t seek m o i s t u r e . "

We c r o s s e d over a low p l a n k bridge, t h a t seemed about t o f a l l

a p a r t under o u r f e e t .

" I t ' s n o t v e r y b i g , " I remarked, looking down. "And i t ' s p r a c t i -

c a l l y dry. Somehow I e x p e c t e d a r e a l r i v e r f u l l of w a t e r . "
, .,
"After t h e r a i n s it f i l l s up," he a s s u r e d me. "But it i s n e v e r
v e r y wide."
We climbed down t h e b a r r a n c a t o a c r e e k on t h e o t h e r s i d e ; it was

one of the areas where t h e e a r t h was m o i s t . Don Juan t o l d me t o be

c a r e f u l because t h e rocks were s l i p p e r y . A f t e r walking down t h e c r e e k

for a stretch, we. s a t on a rock. Don J u a n t o o k o f f h i s knaps.ack,

reached i n and handed me a round Mexican bread and an o r a n g e , and some
thin strips of d r i e d meat. I w a s famished f o r I hadn't eaten since

lunch. We had missed t h e tood a t t h e Holy T r i n i t y f e s t i v a l , because a s

v i s i t o r s , i t would n o t be s a f e f o r us t o e a t from t h e s t r e e t vendors.
I began to peel the orange and wiped my f i n g e r s on some d r y

leaves.
From where we s a t I could h e a r t h e t r u c k s rumbling by on t h e highway
s t i r r i n g up c l o u d s of d u s t and e x h a u s t .

177
 "Trucks i n Mexico have names g i v e n t o them by t h e i r owners which

t h e y p a i n t above t h e bumper," don J u a n e x p l a i n e d . "The one that just

p a s s e d was c a l l e d 'wounded h e a r t . ' "

I wondered how he knew t h a t , f o r t h e r e was no way he could have

s e e n t h e t r u c k from where we were s i t t i n g .

1,
I s e e , " he s a i d c a s u a l l y .

"What does i t mean t o s e e , don J u a n ? "

" I t means d i f f e r e n t t h i n g s t o different people. Sometimes, i t ' s

having t h e c e r t a i n t y t h a t a t h i n g i s so. Other times i t s a v o i c e t h a t

t e l l s you something s p e c i f i c . O r it can be a visual s e n s a t i o n of

s e e i n g energy fibers or c o l o r s moving around a p e r s o n , p l a n t , animal

o r o b j e c t . I t can even be a l o n g i n g that grips you, and doesn't l e t

you go. ,,
' I have a longing t h a t d o e s n ' t l e t me g o , " I s a i d . "But I d o n ' t

know what i t i s . I can never v o i c e i t . I t comes from s o f a r away."

Don Juan looked a t me f o r a moment then .shook h i s head. "That's

n o t seeing, t h a t ' s c a l l e d indulging."

He l e t out a s p u r t of genuine l a u g h t e r . I wanted t o a r g u e w i t h

him but h e shook h i s head.

' I bet it has something t o do w i t h f i n d i n g l o v e , " he said giving

me a nudge.

"I suppose you're right," I conceded. " B u t d o n ' t s o r c e r e r s l o v e

o r want t o be l o v e d ? "

"They do. But n o t i n t h e way o r d i n a r y p e o p l e f a l l i n and o u t of

l o v e . A s o r c e r e r ' s a f f e c t i o n i s p e e r l e s s . He h a s no v e s t e d i n t e r e s t o r

personal attachment t o h i s feeling. It i s given w i t h o u t any s t r i n g s

a t t a c h e d . And once g i v e n , it is n e v e r e v e r r e t r a c t e d . "

178
 The finality of his statements gave me a c h i l l . I t made any
n o t i o n of l o v e t h a t I had e v e r come a c r o s s seem p a l t r y , i n f e r i o r and
soaked i n emotional i n d u l g i n g .

"I d o n ' t know it I could commit myself i n such a f i n a l , a b s o l u t e

way," I s a i d , o f f e r i n g him h a l f o t t h e bread.
Don Juan laughed and s a i d t h a t i t had n o t h i n g t o do w i t h p e r s o n a l

choice o r commitment. I t was r a t h e r a q u e s t i o n of f a t e , t o which one

e i t h e r a c q u i e s c e d and a c t e d impeccably or resisted to o n e ' s dying

breath.
"The flow of f a t e b r i n g i n g people t o g e t h e r i s r a r e and m y s t e r i -

o u s , " he s a i d s o f t l y . "Only a b l i n d t o o l o r knowledge c r i m i n a l would

n o t a c q u i e s c e t o such a g i f t . "

"What i s a knowledge c r i m i n a l ? "

His eyes were g l o s s y as i f remembering something t h a t happened
long ago. "Someone who knows b e t t e r but o b s t i n a t e l y refuses t o a c t
upon h i s knowledge." Then he laughed and s a i d t e a s i n g l y , "Don't w o r r y ,
t h i s i s n o t a p r o p o s i t i o n from an o l d man."
I laughed t o o b u t a b i t more n e r v o u s l y t h a n I had i n t e n d e d . Don
J u a n was t a r from being an o l d man.
Another t r u c k drove by. I wondered where it was going. P e r h a p s t o

Mazatlan, o r G u a d a l a j a r a , o r even as far south as Mexico City. I

commented t o don Juan t h a t I had n e v e r been t o any of t h e s e p l a c e s .
" Y o u ' l l go t h e r e soon," he s a i d w i t h such c e r t a i n t y t h a t I was

f o r c e d t o a s k , "How do you know? Are you s e e i n g a g a i n ? "

"Carlos w i l l t a k e you t h e r e , " he s a i d . " Z u l e i c a i s i n G u a d a l j a r e a
w a i t i n g f o r you. She has something t o t e a c h you."
 "Can't I s t a y here w i t h you?" I asked teeling a t ease i n his

company and a f r a i d t o d e a t h of what Z u l e i c a had t o t e a c h me.

"No, your p a t h i s d i f f e r e n t . We are a l l bound t o h e l p you, but

you a r e n o t l i k e u s . You have t o r e t u r n t o Los Angeles. You have o t h e r

t h i n g s t o do."

"What w i l l I have t o do?" I asked alarmed.

That is for the spirit to decide. I t w i l l tell you and your

power w i l l d i c t a t e what you a r e capable o t . " He nudged me and s a i d

s o f t l y . "You a r e c a p a b l e o t more t h a n you r e a l i z e . "

J u s t then a g u s t o t wind rustled the leave of t h e cottonwood

trees. I felt a c h i l l t h a t e n t e r e d my very bones. The consequence of
n o t being up t o t h e s p i r i t ' s c h a l l e n g e was t o o d i v e s t i n g t o f o r m u l a t e ,
s o even thought I d i d n ' t know what t h a t c h a l l e n g e might be, I d e c i d e d
t o s e i z e it.
" T e l l me more about t h e d e e r d a n c e r , don Juan. Exactly how does
t h e dancer e n t e r i n t o another realm?"

Don Juan t o o k o f f h i s h a t and wiped h i s f o r e h e a d w i t h a k e r c h i e f

he had i n h i s s h i r t pocket. " A t f i r s t , e n t e r i n g t h e dream world may be

a frightening e x p e r i e n c e ; o r i t may o n l y seem l i k e a dream from which

one d o e s n ' t wake up. But f o r a sorcerer, that dream i s r e a l and i f

you go i n t o t h a t world o f t e n enough, it w i l l become r e a l f o r you t o o . "
"How can a sorcerers o r Yaqui say the dream world i s r e a l ? " I

asked. "Can't t h e y t e l l the difference between t h e waking s t a t e and

dreams?"
"For s o r c e r e r s i t ' s r e a l because t h e y can a c t i n t h e dream s t a t e

w i t h c e r t a i n t y and c o n t r o l . They s t a l k t h e i r dreams; t h e y can l e a r n

..,
things, tind things, understand things that a r e not c l e a r i n the
everyday world."
"What kind of t h i n g s ? "

"Things about t h e f u t u r e , o r what someone i s doing m i l e s away.

I t ' s a way of s e e i n g beyond what i s i n f r o n t of you."

"Are you t a l k i n g about d i v i n a t i o n , don J u a n ? "

The Anthropological literature was full of r e f e r e n c e s how i n

p r i m i t i v e c u l t u r e s t h e shaman, e n t e r s a t r a n c e t o s e e what the future

holds, to diagnose illness, or to seek out t h e proper treatment.

African witchdoctors were particularity fond of using smoke and
c h a r r e d bones o r t h e l i v e r of chickens t o make f o r e c a s t s . Magic, s o r -
cery, divination, witchcraft, a i l these areas were a part of t h e

Anthropological t r a d i t i o n ; y e t they always had seemed s o f a r removed

from o u r a c t u a l day t o day activities, our personal lives. To t h e
Yaqui, such a c t i v i t i e s d i d n o t seem s t r a n g e a t a l l . Don J u a n , h i m s e l f ,
had used h i s dancing t o open t h e door t o t h e world of the s p i r i t s , to
a different reality. A world that was t o r a s o r c e r e r a s r e a l and
p r e d i c t a b l e a s t h e everyday world was f o r u s .
"The m a g i c a l realm of t h e Yaqui i s n ' t e x t r a o r d i n a r y a t a l l , " don

Juan said. " I t ' s not a part o f t h e s u p e r n a t u r a l o r an a s p e c t of t h e

s a c r e d and p r o t a n e dichotomy a n t h r o p o l o g i s t s s o r e a d i l y s e t up."
"How do you know about what a n t h r o p o l o g i s t s do?" I asked.
"Arizona i s t u l l o t A n t h r o p o l o g i s t , " he laughed. " E s p e c i a l l y t h e

t r i b a l areas around Tucson. Someone i s always t r y i n g t o g e t a poor

s u c k e r t o answer a q u e s t i o n n a i r e f o r a few dollars. They go around

making categorization schemes without ever knowing what t h e y a r e
, t a l k i n g about."
 "My s e n t i m e n t s e x a c t l y , " I s a i d . "But I t r i e d t e l l i n g t h a t t o one

of my professors once and h e accused me of n o t being p r o f e s s i o n a l

m a t e r i a l , and proceeded t o k i c k me o u t of h i s o f f i c e . "

"You h a v e . t o l e a r n t o s t a l k your p r o f e s s o r s , " don Juan recommend-

ed. " O r t h e y ' l l gobble you up f o r b r e a k f a s t . Those p r o f e s s o r s f e a s t on

young co-eds ."
"How do I s t a l k them?" I asked.

" T r e a t t h e U n i v e r s i t y a s a h u n t i n g ground. I f you go t h e r e t o be

discovered, o r t o be l i k e d , o r t o make a s t a t e m e n t , y o u ' l l f a l l f l a t

on your f a c e . I f they sense you are challenging them, the petty

t y r a n t s w i l l p u t up a f i g h t and t h e y almost always win.''
"How can I overcome them?" I asked. "They a r e men, t h e y a r e
p e t t y , and t h e y hold t h e power."
, .
<
. .
. .. , "You walk around them on c a t f e e t , and never l e t them know your
opinions o r what you a r e t h i n k i n g . A consummate s t a l k e r h a s n o opin-
ions. He o r s h e a d a p t s t o any c i r c u m s t a n c e , s w i f t l y and smoothly l i k e

wind. I f t h e y t h i n k t h e y have you c o r n e r e d , you a r e a l r e a d y somewhere

e l s e . Be e l u s i v e and u n c o n t a i n a b l e , but d e v a s t a t i n g l y powerful."

"That sounds l i k e a c o n t r a d i c t i o n t o me," I s a i d .

J u s t t h e n a n o t h e r g u s t of wind r u f f l e d t h e ground l e a v e s . I t blew

a bunch right into my l a p . -Don Juan laughed and s a i d I was g o i n g t o
make a s u p e r b s t a l k e r , provided t h a t I t r e a t e d e v e r y t h i n g a s c o n t r o l i -
ed f o l l y , and make myself z e r o s o no one would be a b l e t o g r a b h o l d of

me.
" B e s i d e s , o n l y someone who i s as light as the wind can p a s s
through t h e c r a c k s between t h e w o r l d s , " don Juan c o n t i n u e d .
"What do you mean by t h e c r a c k s between t h e w o r l d s ? " I asked.
182
 "The s o r c e r e r s s e e t h a t t h e world of t h e s p i r i t s e x i s t s and t h a t

t h e r e a r e e n t i t i e s o t h e r t h a n human beings and animals t h a t roam t h e

e a r t h , " don Juan s a i d . "But t h e y e x i s t behind a w a l l t h a t is f u l l o t

c r a c k s s o t o speak. A s o r c e r e r t a k e s t h a t knowledge f o r granted j u s t

, a s Westerners t a k e t o r g r a n t e d t h e b e l i e f i n God, heaven, t h e s c i e n t i -

f i c method, o r t h e Pope's infallibility, o r walking on t h e moon, o r

a n y t h i n g e l s e t h a t a f f e c t s t h e i r everyday l i v e s . "

"Are you s a y i n g t h a t N e i l Armstrong n e v e r walked on t h e moon? U r

t h a t he passed through some s o r t of cosmic c r a c k t o g e t t h e r e ? "

'Not a t a l l . Only t h a t i t takes a tremendous e f f o r t f o r man t o

b r i n g i n t o h i s awareness t h e end r e s u l t t h a t of a man walking i n o u t e r

s p a c e . O r t h a t a man i n Rome i s the direct r e p r e s e n t a t i v e of God on

earth, or that a V i r g i n conceived a son. I n t h e l i g h t of t h e s e f e a t s

of i n t e n d i n g , t h e knowledge that other e n t i t i e s coexist w i t h man on

e a r t h does n o t t a k e such a g r e a t l e a p of f a i t h . "

I looked around. I had n e v e r regarded s p i r i t s a s p a r t of my d a i l y

w o r l d , but a s a c h i l d I d i d see shadows coming alive, and had a t

times, f e l t the presence of a g u a r d i a n angle. I had a l s o assumed

s a i n t s , f a i r i e s , e l v e s and leprechauns existed, even though I had

n e v e r seen one. So it was n o t s o d i f f i c u l t t o a c c e p t t h a t t h e Yaqui

I n d i a n s , t o o , had s p i r i t e n t i t i e s , l i k e t h e s p i r i t d e e r I had encoun-

t e r e d , who p r o t e c t and a d v i s e them a s do our s u p e r n a t u r a l h e l p e r s .

' I f the Yaqui s a y t h e r e i s a s p i r i t world and t h a t t h e y l e a r n i n

dreams, a person would have t o experience t h i s k i n d of learning to

know what they a r e t a l k i n g about," I told don Juan. " I t t h e Yaqui

a d d r e s s themselves t o a m y t h o l o g i c a l realm and t r e a t it a s r e a l i t y , i n
order t o u n d e r s t a n d i t , t h e a n t h r o p o l o g i s t must do t h e same. He must
make t h e i r myths h i s r e a l i t y . "
I t o l d don Juan t h a t it is t h e Anthropologists task t o describe

to the best ot his ability what goes on i n a n o t h e r c u l t u r e , i n

a n o t h e r r e a l i t y , t h e way members o t that culture see and l i v e it.

T h e r e f o r e , he has t o be a s open and a c c e s s i b l e t o phenomena t h a t he

e n c o u n t e r s , no m a t t e r how s t r a n g e t h e y might be; no m a t t e r how d i f f e -

r e n t trom h i s own expectations or experiences. I n short, the field

worker must suspend judgement w h i l e he is doing r e s e a r c h . Only i n t h i s
way might he go beyond h i s l i m i t e d way of t h i n k i n g , h i s e t h n o c e n t r i s m ;

and h i s p e r c e p t u a l b i a s . Furthermore, by seeing another r e a l i t y ,

one' s own taken-tor-granted reality would lose its ultimate

importance.
"Women make t h e b e s t s o r c e r e r s , " don Juan s a i d a f t e r l i s t e n i n g t o
my d i s c o u r s e , "and no doubt t h e b e s t a n t h r o p o l o g i s t s too."
"Why i s t h a t ? "
"Because t h e y a r e much more s e n s i t i v e t h a n men. They can e x p e r i -
ence and accept things beyond t h e i r range more readily without t h e
insistence on reasserting themselves the way men do. On t h e o t h e r

hand, women a r e much more v u l n e r a b l e and must be cushioned from t h e

shock of encountering o t h e r r e a l i t i e s . They t e n d t o i n d u l g e and l o s e

t h e i r u n d e r p i n n i n g s a t t h e drop of a h a t . "
I laughed because t o r a moment I thought he had s a i d women l o s e
t h e i r 'underpants' a t a drop of a h a t .

"That t o o , " don Juan s a i d laughing. "But u n f o r t u n a t e l y t h e r e i s

n e v e r a s h o r t a g e of men t o s u p p o r t them i n t h a t department."
 I n a more s e r i o u s n o t e he added that if a woman was s o b e r ,
courageous, and adventuresome, and d i d n ' t l o s e h e r underpants, she

could uncover m y s t e r i e s beyond h e r w i l d e s t e x p e c t a t i o n s .

"But d o e s n ' t s h e have t o have s p i r i t h e l p e r s ? " I asked.
" I t ' s t r u e , some s p i r i t s a r e h e l p e r s , " don J u a n c o n t i n u e d . "Every

p e r s o n , upon b i r t h , r e c e i v e s a totem animal t h a t p r o t e c t s and a d v i s e s

him throughout h i s l i f e t i m e . P e r h a p s , yours i s t h e deer."

I l i k e d deer. I was born i n an a r e a f u l l of f o r e s t s , and p l e n t y

of d e e r . I enjoyed being i n t h e f o r e s t , being s t i l l , remaining hidden.
I had t o a g r e e , I had something i n common w i t h d e e r by way o f tempera-

ment.
"What i s your totem a n i m a l , " I asked.
"The crow. I have always had an a f f i n i t y w i t h them, e v e r y s i n c e
. ,
j my t e a c h e r showed me how t o become one."
"I l i k e b i r d s t o o , " I s a i d . "I o f t e n dream I ' m f l y i n g . "

"Crows a r e e x c e l l e n t s t a l k e r s , " don Juan added. "And some of t h e

P a s c o l a mask d e p i c t them."
I f i n i s h e d t h e orange and t h e r e s t o t t h e d r i e d meet.

"The dancer, it he has power can a c t u a l l y can t u r n i n t o t h e

animal he p o r t r a y s , " don Juan c o n t i n u e d . " I ' v e t a l k e d t o and observed
quite a number of Pascola dancers. For some, t h e dance i s merely a
means t o show o f f , but t o r o t h e r s t h e dance is a vehicle; t h e mask,

t h e music and t h e mesmeric movement of t h e cocoon r a t t l e s u s h e r t h e

d a n c e r i n t o t h e s p i r i t realm. T h e r e he can l e a r n about t h e mysteries
ot the u n i v e r s e , and even t i n d answers t o l i f e ' s fundamental ques-
t ions. "
 Don Juan gave me a nudge and I knew he was r e f e r r i n g t o what I
had asked the s p i r i t deer. O r p e r h a p s C a r l o s had t o l d him a b o u t our

m e e t i n g i n t h e Anthropology department when I had asked him t h e same

question.
"It you meet t h e deer i n y o u r dreams," he a d v i s e d me, "ask him
a b o u t t h e meaning o t l i t e . He w i l l t e l l you what you want t o know."

" I s t h a t what you d o , don J u a n ? Learn i n your dreams?"

Don Juan nodded. "And through s e e i n g . Right now I -
see t h a t there

is a p a t c h of a n g e l i c a growing o v e r t h e r e . E x a c t l y t h e p l a n t we came
a l l t h i s way t o f i n d . ' '
We g o t up and walked toward t h e bend i n t h e c r e e k where don Juan
had s a i d t h e p l a n t s were growing.

"What a r e t h e p l a n t s t o r ? " I asked.

"They a r e invaluable t o r female s o r c e r e r s , " he s a i d . " I t g i v e s
them s o b r i e t y , purpose and cushion them from t h e e r r a t i c perceptual
changes that they are prone t o , especially during t h e i r menstrual
periods."

E a r l i e r a s we walked he had s t o p p e d trom t i m e t o t i m e t o a l l o w me

t o examine certain plants a t c l o s e range. He had c a u t i o n e d me n o t t o

p i c k any o t them but o n l y t o remember what t h e y looked l i k e , i n c a s e I

ever needed to find them. T h e r e was M a n z a n i l l a , s a g e , and a s m a l l

p l a n t w i t h blue f l o w e r s . He had s a i d t h a t we were n o t t h e r e t o gather

h e r b s , but to learn how t o s t o r e power. H e a s s u r e d me t h a t i f I e v e r

needed t o h e a l m y s e l f , i t would be though m a n i p u l a t i n g energy d i r e c t -

ly, not by i n g e s t i n g any p l a n t . There was one e x c e p t i o n t o t h i s r u l e ,
and t h a t was t h e a n g e l i c a p l a n t .
 . ,,
,

--
We walked up t o some l a r g e yellow-green p l a n t s t h a t looked l i k e
t a l l overgrown celery. They had s h o t up a b o u t a yard and a t t h e t i p s
were t u f t s of d r i e d s t a l k s w i t h t i n y brown s e e d s .

"This i s A n g e l i c a , " he said taking off a b i t of t h e l e a f and

r u b b i n g i t between h i s f i n g e r s .
-- ' I t smells l i k e celery," I said taking a s n i f f . "What does i t

taste like?"
"Find o u t f o r y o u r s e l f , " he s a i d and gave me a b i t of t h e seeds
t o chew. They t a s t e d l i k e b i t t e r c e l e r y .
"Do I make an i n f u s i o n o u t of t h e l e a v e s o r s e e d s ? " I asked.
3,
You c a n , o r you chew on t h e s e e d s d i r e c t l y , but i n your c a s e i t '

i s b e t t e r t o smoke i t . "

'How do I smoke i t ? "

I "You f i r s t d r y t h e s t a l k s and t h e n c r u s h a bit and put it i n a

p i p e and l i t e a match t o i t . "

*,I ' v e n e v e r smoke a n y t h i n g i n my l i f e , " I s a i d .

' N o t even m a r i j u a n a ? " he t e a s e d .

"A t r i e n d of mine gave me a j o i n t once t o t r y , b u t I d i d n ' t l i k e

i t . The smoke r e a l l y h u r t my lungs and made me sneeze. You s e e , I'm

a l l e r g i c t o smoke."
"This is not marijuana," he said seriously. "Besides, you

p r o b a b l y i n h a l e d t o o much smoke i n t o your l u n g s when you s h o u l d have

allowed t h e smoke t o envelope you."
"What does a n g e l i c a smoke do?" I a s k e d .
" I t c l e a n s t h e energy f i b e r s of t h e body."
He s t e p p e d back and gave me a groggy l o o k , r u n n i n g h i s eyes up
. ~

and downfrom head t o t o e . " T h e r e ' s a g r e a t d e a l of d e b r i s c l i n g i n g t o

187
 your fibers in spite ot your recapitulation," he said. "So i n
s t u b b o r n c a s e s l i k e y o u r s e l f , one has to use smoke to cleans the
double. You d o n ' t have t o i n h a l e i t . J u s t a l l o w t h e smoke t o c a r e s s
you. I t knows what t o do. I t w i l l c l e a n you w i t h o u t you have t o d i r e c t
it."

Don J u a n g a t h e r e d some of t h e d r y s t a l k s and p u t them i n s i d e h i s

knapsack. He s a i d he would g i v e them t o me l a t e r . If I ran o u t , I

would have t o t i n d t h e n e x t batch myself.

"What i t I c a n ' t come back h e r e ? " I s a i d .

"Angelica grows everywhere," he replied. "You can f i n d i t i n

abundance i n t h e canyons around Los Angeles. Then you have to l e t the
stalks dry and find a pipe i n your dreaming and p u t some crushed
l e a v e s i n s i d e . O r you can l i g h t t h e t i p o f t h e s t a l k d i r e c t l y . "
We s a t down on a l o g and he asked me f o r a match. I pulled out a

match book from my p o c k e t , f o r a l o n g w i t h t h e compass, I always c a r r y

a book of matches i n my pockets s o that I could gaze a t i t s flame

whenever I needed t o . I wondered how don Juan knew I had matches w i t h

me. He l i t a dry s t a l k about t h r e e i n c h e s long by h o l d i n g a match t o

its tip. Then he moved t h e s t a l k back and f o r t h i n f r o n t of my n o s e
and allowed t h e smoke t o enveloped me. The smoke made me caught and my

eyes burn and I d i d n ' t l i k e t h e s e n s a t i o n a t a l l . But when t h e smoke

c l e a r e d , I e x p e r i e n c e d a calmness and c l a r i t y t h a t was unprecedented.

At first I couldn't pin point e x a c t l y what t h e d i f f e r e n c e was,

then I realized t h a t my calmness resulted from the fact t h a t my

i n t e r n a l dialogue had completely stopped. I had no more t h o u g h t s . I

was c o n t e n t t o p e r c e i v e d i r e c t l y , w i t h o u t f i l t e r i n g e v e r y t h i n g t h r o u g h
8 words and t h o u g h t s . I t e l t t h a t t h e ' I ' t h a t was always i n command had
vanished. Somehow t h e smoke had made t h i n g s a b s o l u t e l y s t i l l so that
t h e r e was no s e p a r a t i o n between t h e a n a l y t i c a l ' I ' and t h e t h i n g s i t
thought a b o u t .

S u b t l e a s it was, i t seemed l i k e t h e d i f f e r e n c e between n i g h t and

day. During t h e day e v e r y t h i n g i s a g i t a t e d , t h e s t r e e t s a r e ' f u l l of

t r a f f i c and n o i s e , t h e energy of p e o p l e , and t h e t e n s i o n and h u r r y of

life, fills o n e ' s being. A t n i g h t , t h i n g s q u i e t down. No one i s going

anywhere. The b i r d s , t o o , have s e t t l e d in their n e s t s and all is at

rest. That was t h e way I f e l t a f t e r I had i n h a l e d o n l y a few p u f f s of

smoke; c o m p l e t e l y a t r e s t , w i t h no h u r r y , no w o r r i e s , e v e r y t h i n g had
returned t o i t s natural p l a c e . The world was t h e way i t s h o u l d be,
w i t h o u t t h e c o n s t a n t i n t e r f e r e n c e of t h o u g h t s and e x p e c t a t i o n s .
I t w a s an e x q u i s i t e f e e l i n g of serenity that t h e smoke brought.
I t was Like burning incense i n a church. I began t o b r e a t h d e e p l y

from my abdomen and relished the tranquility and ease of h a v i n g

nothing t o s a y , n o t h i n g t o do, and no p l a c e t o go, except t o be where
I was a t t h a t p r e c i s e moment i n time. It was a s i f my b e i n g had
blended w i t h e t e r n i t y e x t e n d i n g i n f r o n t of my eyes.

"The a n g e l i c smoke is l i k e t h a t ," don Juan s a i d s e n s i n g my mood.

t,
I t e x p e c t s n o t h i n g from you. I t humbly does i t s j o b of c l e a n s i n g away

the debris of t h e past. I f you a r e emotionally upset o r a g i t a t e d ,

surround y o u r s e l f w i t h a n g e l i c a smoke. No need t o i n h a l e it. And o n l y
u s e it when you f e e l a g i t a t e d and need t o calm y o u r s e l f . Never abuse
it. Together with t h e r e c a p i t u l a t i o n , it w i l l served as a means t o
c l e a n s e and s o o t h e t h e e r r a t i c bent of your n a t u r e . "
Don J u a n r e i t e r a t e d t h a t I d i d n ' t need t o u s e a p i p e o r t o r e a l l y

inhale a t all. I could j u s t light a b i t of the s t a l k , and l e t t h e

lay
smoke r i s e while holding t h e p i e c e of a n g e l i c a r o o t i n my l e f t hand.

The e f f e c t would be t h e same. The s m e l l o f t h e smoke, around me would

be enough t o c l e a r my head and c a u s e my i n t e r n a l d i a l o g u e t o c e a s e .

He made a small f i r e out of wood, t h e n p l a c e some branches of

a n g e l i c a t h a t he had c o l l e c t e d from t h e ground, on t o p of t h e t i r e . We

sat in f r o n t of it for a w h i l e and from time t o t i m e he used h i s

j a c k e t t o f a n t h e smoke i n my d i r e c t i o n . When t h e f i r e had e x t i n g u i s h -

ed i t s e l f , he t o o k a s t i c k and p o i n t e d t o t h e charged remains.

" E a r l i e r you wanted t o know about s e e i n g , ' ' he s a i d . "The a n c i e n t

s o r c e r e r s of o u r l i n e a g e , used many d i f f e r e n t methods t o understand

the state of things. They used corn k e r n e l s , t h e p a t t e r n s i n t h e

c l o u d s , t h e f o r m a t i o n of leaves i n the trees and on t h e ground, o r

a t t e r a f i r e had gone o u t , t h e placement of t h e c h a r r e d wood."

(add s e c t i o n from c h a p t e r on f i r e and d i v i n a t i o n )

 12

Crow's Dream

I t was p a s t midnight by t h e time we r e t u r n t o don J u a n ' s house.

C a r l o s ' c a r was s t i l l parked where he had l e f t it, so I knew h e had

not returned. I wanted t o s l e e p i n t h e c a r w i t h t h e windows r o l l e d up

and t h e doors l o c k e d , but don J u a n would n o t h e a r of i t .

"My house i s a t your d i s p o s a l , " he s a i d w i t h an a i r of g a l l a n t r y .

" P l e a s e , make your s e l f a t home."

He a s s u r e d me t h a t I would be p e r f e c t l y s a t e , and he p e r s o n a l l y

g u a r a n t e e d t h a t h i s house had no f l e a s because h e k e p t no a n i m a l s . He

l i t a kerosene l a n t e r n and s e t i t on t h e t a b l e t h a t was n e x t t o a c o t .

He handed me a f o l d e d wool b l a n k e t and s a i d he needed t o go t o Tor i m

t o see some' people. He s t r e s s e d t h a t he wou I d n o t be back u n t il t h e

f o l l o w i n g day.
"What i f someone comes snooping around h e r e ? " I s a i d ill a t ease.

"No one w i l l d i s t u r b y o u , " he a s s u r e d me.

,,How can you be s o c e r t a i n ? "

"This house i s w e l l p r o t e c t e d . "

"By what? An i n v i s i b l e alarm system?" I s a i d w i t h a laugh.

"You could c a l l it t h a t . I have a guardian t h a t f r i g h t e n s off

any unwanted v i s i t o r s ."

At first I thought he was referring a guard dog, but b e f o r e I
 could a s k him who t h i s guardian was, he s a i d , "Shall I show it t o

you? "
"No, n o , no. I ' l l t a k e your word t o r i t , " I s a i d suddenly a f r a i d .

I t I was t o s l e e p t h e r e , I d i d n ' t want any f r i g h t e n i n g d e t a i l s t o p l a y

on my i m a g i n a t i o n .

'It you do see or hear something u n u s u a l , i t ' s b e s t j u s t t o

i g n o r e i t , " he s a i d .

I nodded and took t h e b l a n k e t . When he l e f t t h e room, I l a y down

on the cot that had a Lumpy horsehair mattress. I t r i e d t o f a l l
a s l e e p , b u t s l e e p would n o t come. A p a r t o t me was wide awake, on t h e

a l e r t ; the other part was d e s p e r a t e l y t r y i n g f a l l a s l e e p . I n s t e a d of

f e e l i n g t h e hardness of t h e m a t t r e s s beneath me, I f e l t as i f I were

suspended . i n a s o f t c o t t o n b a t t i n g t h a t was warm and numbing. I a t t r i -

!
buted t h i s odd s e n s a t i o n t o t h e strange vibrations in the room t h a t
made a l l hardness dissolve. I t was a liquid room, moving, changing
shapes i n t h e d a r k n e s s . Or, perhaps, it was my blood o r a d r e n a l i n

surging through my body, or being in t h e nagual's l a i r , but the

buzzing became l o u d e r u n t i l my body seemed t o d i s a p p e a r and a l l that
was l e f t of me was a d u l l , o v e r a l l t i n g l i n g .

The f e e l i n g was r e m i n i s c e n t of t h e f i r s t night I had s p e n t i n

C l a r a ' s t r e e house. On t h a t o c c a s i o n , being o f f t h e ground had made my
body expand, b a l l o o n outward, and I had been enveloped w i t h t h e same
s e n s a t i o n of f l o a t i n g w i t h no s e l f r e f e r e n c e i n terms of my p h y s i c a l

size or shape. Emilito had l a t e r e x p l a i n e d t h i s s e n s a t i o n a s my

double coming o u t and t a k i n g o v e r , because being i n t h e t r e e house had
i n h i b i t e d t h e p u l l o t g r a v i t y on my p h y s i c a l body.

192
 I was remembering E m i l i t o and t h e m y s t e r i o u s t r e e h o u s e , when I

heard a s n a p p i n g t h a t sounded l i k e a twig b r e a k i n g , coming from a p i l e

of b a s k e t s i n the c o r n e r of t h e room. A l l my s e n s e s were on a l e r t .

The f r o n t of my body seemed t o t a l l y open as it there were a huge

gaping h o l e where my stomach and c h e s t should have been. I strained

t o s e e i n t h e d a r k n e s s , but c o u l d s e e o n l y t h e o u t l i n e s of t h e para-

phanelia in the room; a few gourds hanging from r o p e s , two Yaqui

masks, one o t a d e e r , a n o t h e r ot a crow hooked to the post; the

s i l h o u e t t e t h e k e r o s i n e l a n t e r n on t h e t a b l e .

I heard the noise a g a i n . The snapping might have been a g i a n t

c r i c k e t , e x c e p t t h a t t h e sound was too clipped, too b r i t t l e . I t was.

more l i k e t h e c l i c k of a m e t a l d i m e s t o r e t o y i n t h e shape of a f r o g o r

a mouse t h a t s n a p s when t h e m e t a l l e v e r i s depressed and r e l e a s e d . Now

1
. . the c l i c k was on t h e o t h e r s i d e of t h e room; it seemed t o have moved
closer t o t h e cot. I raised up a bit, leaning against the folded

b u r l a p bag t h a t served as a pillow. I jumped when I heard t h e sound

n e x t t o my head.

The c l i c k came a g a i n , t h i s t i m e by t h e door. I t made t h e a r e a i n

my m i d s e c t i o n l e a p whenever it snapped. Whatever t h e sound was, i t was

d e f i n i t e l y hopping about t h e room, as it t r y i n g t o attract my a t t e n -

tion. As I l a y wide awake t r y i n g t o a n t i c i p a t e from where t h e n e x t

c l i c k would be coming, I r e a l i z i n g t h a t t h e s o r c e r e r s ' world was f u l l

of t h e unexpected. I decided t o f o l l o w don J u a n ' s a d v i c e and i g n o r e

what e v e r i t was in the room. I must have f a l l e n asleep, tor I

d r i f t e d i n t o a dream t h a t seemed t o t a l l y r e a l .

I was taking the crows mask o f t t h e w a l l and p u t i n on my head.

Don Juan was g o i n g t o show me some movements. F i r s t he demonstrated

193
 how I should p o s i t i o n my f e e t . Bending my k n e e s , I had t o r a i s e up on

the balls of my f e e t then thump down onto t h e heels repeatedly. I

copied his action, raising my heels off t h e ground t h e n s h a r p l y

p l a c i n g them down again. After a while, i t became a s i n g l e smooth

performance i n v o l v i n g my a n k l e and knee j o i n t s . 1 f e l t my l e g s become

rubbery, viscous; my hands were hanging loosely at my sides. I

imagined myself a wine maker t r a m p l i n g on a v a t of g r a p e s w i t h my b a r e

feet.

Then f o l l o w i n g don J u a n ' s l e a d , I arched t h e upper p o r t i o n of my

back a s i f I were l i f t e d by some e x t e r i o r f o r c e , and b r i n g i n g my arms

o u t t o t h e s i d e s of my body, I opened them up l i k e t h e wings of an

enormous b i r d . . My head was i n c l i n e d forward and I was l o o k i n g down,

w h i l e r a i s i n g my arms up and down i n c o n j u n c t i o n w i t h my b r e a t h i n g . I

~.

f l a p p e d my arms a g a i n and a g a i n i n a r e p e t i t i v e a c t i o n .

A f t e r what seemed an e t e r n i t y , t h e ground i n f r o n t of me opened

and 1 was no l o n g e r dreaming 1 was s t a n d i n g waving my arms i n simula-

ted f l i g h t . I was a c t u a l l y i n t h e a i r , soaring over a breathtaking

view of t h e d e s e r t . 1 could s e e v e g e t a t i o n , i r r i g a t i o n d i t c h e s , r o a d s ,

and t h e p i t a y a f e n c e s around t h e f l a t r o o f e d adobe houses. A s 1 s o a r e d

i n t h e a i r , I moved my arms s o v i g o r o u s l y t h a t I was growing t i r e d . I

heard don J u a n say that I did not have t o f l a p s o h a r d ; but t h a t I

c o u l d , i f I wished, simply g l i d e .

A t his suggestion, I l e t go and e x p e r i e n c e t h e most e x q u i s i t e

s e n s a t i o n of g l i d i n g t h r o u g h t h e a i r . I c o u l d f e e l t h e wind r u f f l e my

s l e e k black f e a t h e r s . And in the distance I could see t h e most

b e a u t i f u l snow capped mountains. I suspected they were t h e s a c r e d

', . ,

. mountains of t h e m y t h i c a l Yaqui w o r l d , but t h e y were a s r e a l as any

194
 formation in the waking world. They were breathtaking in their

s p l e n d o r ; more b e a u t i f u l than any landscape I had e v e r seen on t h i s

earth. I flew over t h e v a l l e y , s o a r i n g , then f l a p p i n g my wings, o n l y

t o g l i d e again. Then I heard music d r i f t i n g toward me from the dis-

tance. As t h e music t i l l e d my v e r y b e i n g , I e x p e r i e n c e d a s t a t e of

e x q u i s i t e h a p p i n e s s . I heard don J u a n s a y t h a t I could land i f I was

tired. I looked down and saw a grove of t a l l t r e e s and headed f o r t h e

t o p branches.
8,
You can s t o p moving your arms now," don J u a n s a i d . "The crow has
s a f e l y landed."

I perched on t h e branch and r e s t e d . I could f e e l my crow's body,

my beak and head, and my f e a t h e r y wings. I was p r e e n i n g myself t h e

way b i r d s do, happy t o be in t h e t r e e w i t h t h e breeze r u s t l i n g t h e

> ,
, ,8
. .. leaves. When I had r e s t e d , I swooped down to a field, and began

hopping on t h e ground. After a w h i l e , a n o t h e r crow, came and hopped

along s i d e me. Then t h e s t r a n g e s t t h i n g happened. The crow mounted me

and we mated t h e way crows do. Not t h a t I had t h e f a i n t e s t n o t i o n of

how crows mated. Yet I was c e r t a i n I was e x p e r i e n c i n g t h e a c t t h e way

crows d i d it. I n f a c t , t h e o t h e r crow, i n n o t t i m e a t a l l , had me in

t h e p o s i t i o n h e wanted, and a pleasurable interchange followed. The

realization that the other crow was don Juan made it a l l t h e more

exhilarating.

I n t h a t dream, I saw and t e l t t h i n g s that for t h e r a t i o n a l mind

a r e incomprehensible. And a l t h o u g h my r a t i o n a l mind was circumvented,

my s e n s e s were keen and I experienced an outpouring of t h e most

profound a f f e c t i o n . I t was t h a t s u r g e of emotion t h a t c r e a t e d such a

s t i r r i n g i n t h e d e p t h of me t h a t I would always remember t h e f e e l i n g

 of my crow's body and what i t i s l i k e t o s o a r through t h e a i r l i g h t e r

t h a n wind.

After a while the field vanished and I found myself a g a i n

standing in don J u a n ' s h o u s e , f l a p p i n g my arms i n t h e s t y l i z e d c r o w ' s

flight. I f e l t something rough brushing my f a c e , and I heard breath-

ing t h a t w a s n ' t my own. I r e a l i z e d t h e n t h a t t h e b l a n k e t was rubbing

my cheek and t h a t i t was I who was b r e a t h i n g heavily in my s l e e p . A s

t h e moment of d u a l awareness merged, I awoke and found myself l y i n g on

the cot. I remembered every d e t a i l of t h e dream, and I c l o s e d my eyes

t o recapture the feeling of t h e wind r u s h i n g a g a i n s t me and t o b r i n g

back t h e g l o r i o u s mountain range s u r r o u n d i n g t h a t r a p t u r o u s v a l l e y .

For a long t i m e , I l a y awake i n t h e d a r k n e s s , half l i s t e n i n g f o r

the clickinng sounds t o come a g a i n , but t h e y had stopped. So had t h e

, ~. . ,
loud buzzing t h a t had permeated t h e room. L i g h t was s h i n i n g through

t h e widow a s dawn was breaking. I l e a n e d over f o r my notepad and pen

and w r o t e down e v e r y t h i n g I could remember about t h e crow's dream. The

image of the terrain was c r y s t a l c l e a r , and I could s t i l l h e a r t h e

music of t h e mountains and feel its melodic stains softly vibrate

i n s i d e my body. When I had f i n i s h e d w r i t i n g down my r e c o l l e c t i o n s , I

p u t my notebook a s i d e and dozed o f t a g a i n . I awoke s e v e r a l hours l a t e r

with the sun shining i n my eyes. I could t e l l by t h e l i g h t , i t was

g o i n g t o be a n e x t r e m e l y h o t day. I sat up when I heard don Juan

coming i n t h e door.

"How were your accommodations?" he asked opening a s a c k of

g r o c e r i e s he had placed on the table. "Not too uncomfortable, I

trust?"

' I had t h e most v i v i d dream of f l y i n g o v e r t h e d e s e r t , " I s a i d .

 He asked me t o d e s c r i b e t h e dream i n d e t a i l , which I d i d , f o r i t

was s t i l l f r e s h i n my mind. He looked a t me and smiled a s i f he knew

I had d e l i b e r a t e l y l e f t o u t t h e p a r t about t h e two crows c a v o r t i n g i n

the field.

"To t u r n i n t o a crow i n your dreams i s not so f a r f e t c h e d , " h e

s a i d . "To do i t w h i l e you a r e awake i s a n o t h e r m a t t e r . "

'How can you t u r n i n t o a crow w h i l e you a r e awake?"

"With unbending intent, the body will f o l l o w where t h e mind

l e a d s , " he a s s u r e d me.

I asked him t o e x p l a i n what he meant by t h a t .

"You do i t all the time," he said. "For example, when you

a c t i v a t e a memory c a l l e d u n h a p p i n e s s , your whole being immerses i t s e l f

i n t h a t f e e l i n g and you become unhappy. That is why indulging i n

anything i s n o t recommended. The mind i s n o t s e p a r a t e from t h e body,

a l t h o u g h we p r e f e r t o t h i n k t h a t i t i s . "

I opened a b o t t l e of m i n e r a l w a t e r and took a s i p .

"Every time we look in a m i r r o r , " don Juan s a i d , "or s e e o u r

r e f l e c t i o n in a pool of w a t e r , we t h i n k we s e e t h e same person we saw

t h e l a s t time we looked. We may s e e a few changes such as wrinkles

or a longer beard or a different expression. But we know t h e s e

d i f f e r e n c e s a r e s u p e r f i c i a l . They d o n ' t make us someone e l s e . We have

l e a r n e d t o r e c o g n i z e o u r s e l v e s a s b e i n g s t h a t change, y e t t o our i n n e r

eye,, we a r e n e v e r t h e l e s s t h e same."

He leaned toward me and brought his face uncomfortably c l o s e t o

mine. "But i t ' s only a m i r a g e , " he whispered. " T h a t ' s why you should

n e v e r look. t o o c l o s e l y in a mirror; you'll f i x y o u r s e l f permanently

..
as something you d o n ' t want t o be."
..

197
 I suspected t h a t Clara had t o l d him of my r e p e a t e d r e q u e s t t o

have m i r r o r s i n s t a l l e d i n h e r bath house. I had a d i f f i c u l t time

adjusting---to n o t . seeing my reflection, and kept trying t o catch

glimpses o r myself
. on any s h i n y , r e f l e c t i v e s u r f a c e .
He r e i t e r a t e d t h a t we a r e c o n s t a n t l y changing and a r e never t h e
same from moment t o moment. Every new t h o u g h t , a c t i o n , o r e x p e r i e n c e
makes us d i f f e r e n t . I t i s o n l y t h e memory of o u r s e l v e s t h a t a s s u r e s us

t h a t we a r e c o n t i n u o u s , s t a b l e and f a m i l i a r .

"If we are always changing," I said. "How can we r e c o g n i z e

ourselves?"

He s a i d t h a t t h e r e is no way of ever recognizing ourselves,

because we a r e a mystery; t o t a l l y unknown t o o u r s e l v e s and t o o t h e r s .
"That is one of the precepts of s t a l k i n g , " he s t r e s s e d . "I

l e a r n e d i t from my b e n e f a c t o r , t h e Nagual J u l i a n , and I am p a s s i n g i t

on t o you. We a r e an i n d e s c r i b a b l e mystery."
' B u t I know who I am," I i n s i s t e d .
" T h a t ' s because you're a f o o l , " don Juan s a i d chuckling. "It's

i d i o t i c t o b e l i e v e t h a t j u s t because you have a name, an a d d r e s s , a

job, o r go t o school, t h a t you a r e known t o y o u r s e l f o r t o o t h e r s .

These a t t r i b u t e s a r e not your true self; they are only ways of

d e s c r i b i n g who you a r e , so that you can t a l k about yourself as a
s o c i a l person."

"Are you s a y i n g t h a t I d o n ' t e x i s t ? "

"You do e x i s t , b u t n o t i n t h e way you t h i n k , " he s a i d .

Don Juan s t r e s s e d t h a t t h e idea that the body is a constant
continuous e n t i t y , i s one o t t h e most d i f f i c u l t assumptions t o break.
 "Why i s t h a t ? " I asked taking a bite of the bread t h a t he

brought.

"Because p e o p l e i d e n t i t y themselves w i t h t h e i r b o d i e s , which t h e y

view i n t h e manner t h a t is accepted by t h e world around them."

I argued t h a t t h e p h y s i c a l body i s r e a l and n o t j u s t an appear-

ance. But he i n s i s t e d t h a t t o hold t h i s p o s i t i o n stemmed from l i m i t e d

p e r c e p t i o n and f a u l t y r e a s o n i n g .

"Your body i s an i d e a , an abstraction," he r e i t e r a t e d . "How you

regard it depends on your c u l t u r e and t h e modality o f . t h e time i n

which you l i v e . For example, people of t h e p a s t d i d n o t have t h e same

view of t h e body a s we do toady. And w e s t e r n man does n o t have t h e

same view of i t a s does a s o r c e r e r . "

" D o n ' t we a l l have basically t h e . same physical structure?" I

asked. "Two arms and l e g s and a t o r s o ? "

' I f we a i l had t h e same p h y s i c a l make u p , we would a l l be a b l e t o

do t h e same t h i n g s , " he r e p l i e d . "But most people c a n ' t f l y through

the a i r , o r step through w a l l s , o r extend t h e i r luminous f i b e r s t o

journey o v e r v a s t d i s t a n c e s . Or disappear right in front o f your

eyes ."
I must have given him a q u i z z i c a l l o o k , f o r he added,, "Some

people c a n ' t perceive t h e i r ethereal or energetic body t h a t would

a l l o w them t o perform these extraordinary feats. Therefore, unlike

t h e s o r c e r e r who d a i l y t u n e s and invigorates h i s e n e r g e t i c body, h i s

double, the average person does nothing to enhance i t , but does

e v e r y t h i n g t o enhance h i s s e l f - i m p o r t a n c e , his social

"What do you mean by s e l f - i m p o r t a n c e ? " I asked.

 Don Juan thought f o r a moment a s i f t o c h o s e h i s words. " I t is

p l a c i n g undue emphasis on t h e i d e a a p e r s o n has of h i m s e l f . I n o r d e r

f o r t h a t i d e a t o become r e a l , it must be given c o n s t a n t energy. One

must always c a t e r t o i t , s u s t a i n i t , r e i n f o r c e i t , pamper it i n o r d e r

t o keep it a l i v e . "

When I asked him why t h a t was s o , don Juan replied t h a t people

have lost touch with their mysterious origins that r e n d e r them

unknown, and a r e were l e f t only with a paltry imitation, a phantom

i d e a t h a t they regard as r e a l .

" I f people realized that t h e y were unknown t o themselves and t o -

o t h e r s , t h e y would n o t r e g a r d themselves a s important o r prop them-

s e l v e s up w i t h f e e l i n g s p e c i a l . They would know t h a t t h e y a l r e a d y a r e

special. But having l o s t s i g h t of their real mystery, they try to

!
make themselves m y s t e r i o u s , and try to a c t i m p o r t a n t . But t h a t i s a

deadly mistake."

"Why i s t h a t a m i s t a k e ? "
IT
Because we s h o u l d never try to be a n y t h i n g , " he r e p l i e d . "Our

m y s t e r i o u s n a t u r e a l r e a d y makes u s e v e r y t h i n g we c o u l d p o s s i b l y be."

Don Juan s a i d he wanted t o go f o r a n o t h e r walk and t o l d me t o

f i n i s h e a t i n g s o I could accompany him.

"What about C a r l o s ? " 1 asked "Shouldn't I wait here f o r him?

I s n ' t he coming back today?"

Don Juan handed me a s t r i p o t beef j e r k y and t o l d me t o chew it

s l o w l y . "I have a f e e l i n g t h a t C a r l o s w i l l be occupied f o r most of t h e

d a y , " he s a i d .

I was dying t o know what e x a c t l y C a r l o s would be occupied w i t h .

No doubt i t was that pretty girl I had s e e n the other day i n t h e

200
store. I imagined he would spend t h e day t e a c h i n g h e r E n g l i s h , o r who

knows what e l s e . N o t i c i n g my p r e o c c u p a t i o n , don Juan gave me a f i r m

r a p on t h e top o t t h e head w i t h h i s knuckles.
' I know what you a r e thinking. 'Why would a man want a n o t h e r

woman when he can have you.' Your petty possessiveness is useless

around h e r e , " he s a i d g r u f f l y . "You have an i d e a of y o u r s e l f t h a t you

a r e j e a l o u s and p o s s e s s i v e . The sooner you g e t r i d of t h a t idea, the

b e t t e r o f f y o u ' l l be."
" T h a t ' s t h e way most women f e e l , " I s a i d .

"Then t h a t ' s p r e c i s e l y what you w i l l have t o guard a g a i n s t , " he

said sternly. "Remember, self importance kills. Don't w a s t e your
l i m i t e d energy upholding s t a n d s t h a t a r e u n t e n a b l e . Hold f i r m t o your
underpinnings. "

He laughed a t h i s p l a y on words. Then he continued w i t h e a r t h y

d i r e c t n e s s . "The minute a man pays any a t t e n t i o n t o a woman, s h e drops
h e r 'underpinnings' + "

" T h a t ' s simply n o t t r u e , " I argued. "A women can love a man
p u r e l y , w i t h o u t any p h y s i c a l involvement."
' H u t can s h e l o v e him i f he loves o t h e r women, and n o t be r u f f l e d
by i t ? " h e c h a l l e n g e d .

I thought f o r a moment. H e had a p o i n t . From my own e x p e r i e n c e ,

and from the people I had known, a s e l f l e s s l o v e l i k e t h a t would

r e a l l y n o t be l e a s a b l e i n o u r c u l t u r e .
I shrugged. " I f y o u ' r e t a l k i n g about polygamy," I said. "I d o n ' t

t h i n k we women should p u t up w i t h t h a t . "

I was s o a g a i n s t men p l a y i n g around t h a t f o r me n o t h i n g s h o r t of
t o t a l f i d e l i t y would do. I remembered how m i s e r a b l e my m o t h e r ' s l i f e
2U1
 had been because ot my father's indiscressions. From h e r , I had
l e a r n e d t h e a t t i t u d e t h a t men were h e a r t l e s s masters t h a t would s t o p
a t nothing i n u s i n g a woman t h e n c a s t i n g h e r a s i d e w i t h o u t s o much a s

a backward g l a n c e .
"I am n o t t a l k i n g about polygamy," don Juan s a i d . "I am t a l k i n g

a b o u t freedom from s e l f importance. No one i s u n i q u e o r p r i v i l e g e d by

any s t r e t c h of t h e i m a g i n a t i o n . "
' B u t i f we d o n ' t s e e o u r s e l v e s a s unique o r s p e c i a l , how can we
d i s t i n g u i s h o u r s e l v e s from o t h e r p e o p l e and t h i n g s ? " I asked.
"Why do you want t o d i s t i n g u i s h y o u r s e l f torm people o r t h i n g s ? "
he r e t o r t e d . "Individuality i s needed to interact in the world o f

p e o p l e , but you a l r e a d y know how t o do t h a t . What I ' m s u g g e s t i n g i s an

a l t e r n a t i v e mode o t being i n which your e n e r g e t i c body i n t e r a c t s w i t h
' the spirit."
"And what i s t h e s p i r i t ? " I asked.
Don J u a n looked a t m e s t e a d i l y f o r a moment; h i s c o l d eyes became
f i e r c e l i k e an e a g l e ' s . H i s s t a r e f o r c e d me t o look away. He c h u c k l e d ,

l i f t e d one of t h e gourds h e had t i e d t o h i s b e l t , opened t h e s t o p p e r

and took a s i p . I t e l t o b l i g e d t o r e p e a t my q u e s t i o n .

"I r e a l l y d o n ' t know," he said. "We can return t o our o r i g i n ,

even a c t from i t , b u t we can n e v e r know o r s a y what it i s . "
"Then what good i s i t , i t we c a n ' t t a l k about i t ? " I p r o t e s t e d i n
a t o n e t h a t bordered on whining.
Don J u a n grabbed my s h o u l d e r s and shook them a s i f I were a rag
doll. "Stop i n d u l g i n g i n s e l f p i t y and a c t l i k e a w a r r i o r . "
He stomped h i s t o o t on t h e ground r e p e a t e d l y l i k e a b u l l ready t o

c h a r g e , g i v i n g me a f e r o c i o u s look t h a t made his nostrils flare. H i s

 pantomime was so l i t e l i k e that I had t o s t e p a s i d e , a f r a i d h e would

ram me. But i n s t e a d of c h a r g i n g , he suddenly twirled l i g h t l y on h i s

h e e l s and walked o u t t h e door. He motioned t o r him t o f o l l o w him. We

walked down t h e d i r t road f o r a while, then q u i t e u n e x p e c t e d l y , he

veered o t t into the c h a p a r r a l . I t was a l l I could do t o keep up w i t h

him. A f t e r a n e x h a u s t i n g t r e k , d u r i n g which time I employed n o t - d o i n g

t e c h n i q u e s , such a s keeping my gaze above t h e h o r i z o n , and my hands i n

t h e p r o p e r p o s i t i o n , and m a i n t a i n e d a prolonged s i l e n c e , I was s t i l l

b r e a t h i n g h e a v i l y by t h e t i m e we reached a formidable r o c k f o r m a t i o n .

Don J u a n t o l d me to s i t on a l a r g e bolder and t o slow down my

breathing. He said that in the t r a d i t i o n of sorcery t h e r e were

hundreds i f n o t thousands of not-doing t e c h n i q u e s , each designed t o

produce a s p e c i f i c e f f e c t t h a t had been intended by s o r c e r e r s of h i s

l i n e a g e . The hand p o s i t i o n was one of them, j u s t a s was g a z i n g a t a

p o i n t above t h e horizon w h i l e walking. He r e i t e r a t e d t h a t h e person-

a l l y t h o u g h t t h a t n o t - d o i n g was one of t h e b e s t ways a s t a l k e r ' has of

d i s r u p t i n g r o u t i n e o r h a b i t u a l r e a c t i o n s of o n e ' s day t o day l i f e .

"Do t h e match. t e c h n i q u e , " he s u g g e s t e d , " t o q u i e t down."

"Now? "

He nodded and poured a few drops of w a t e r from h i s gourd into a

depression i n t h e rock. I p u l l e d o u t my book of matches, and h o l d i n g

one between my thumb and i n d e x f i n g e r , I struck it and brought t h e

flame s e v e n o r eight inches i n f r o n t of my e y e s . A s I gazed a t i t ,

I i n h a l e d t h e flame i n t o t h e a r e a between the eyes, u n t i l t h e flame

had almost burned down. Then, without extinguishing the falme, I

dipped t h e t i p of t h e match i n t h e w a t e r t o cool t h e end, and t r a n s -

, <

203
 ferred it t o the thumb and index t i n g e r s of my l e f t hand. I h e l d t h e

match u p s i d e down, s o that the flame was now burning upward a few

i n c h e s from my eyes.

"Draw t h e blue flame i n t o your e y e s , " don J u a n s a i d . "Use i n t e n t

t o p u l l i t i n s i d e you."

I d i d a s e r i e s of n i n e matches, burning one end, then t u r n i n g it

u p s i d e down a s I t r a n s f e r r e d it t o my l e f t hand and gazed a s t h e flame

burned a t t h e o t h e r end. A f t e r n i n e matches, he t o l d me to s t o p . He

instructed me to breath deeply from t h e abdomen and t h e n begin t o

practice another not-doing technique which involved expanding my

awareness behind me, above me, and i n t o t h e d i s t a n c e a l l around me.

"What should I t r y t o look t o r o r f e e l ? " I a s k e d .

" I t doesn't m a t t e r , " he s a i d . "Perhaps, a t r e e t o t h e back, o r a

1 b i r d i n t h e branch above you, or a cloud i n t h e sky overhead. The

purpose of t h i s not-doing technique is t o s t r e t c h oneselt out as it

one were c a s t i n g a g i a n t n e t . "

He explained that deliberately elongating one's awareness,

which i s usually directed f o r w a r d , has the effect of waking up t h e

e n e r g e t i c body o r d o u b l e , by breaking through t h e c o n f i n i n g b o u n d a r i e s

ome had l e a r n e d t o r e g a r d a s o n e ' s p h y s i c a l body.

"When your mind and b r e a t h a r e a b l e t o r e a c h beyond t h e r e c o g n i z - ,

ed l i m i t s o f t h e p h y s i c a l body," don Juan e x p l a i n e d , " t h e n y o u ' l l know

t h a t things a r e vacuus, and p h y s i c a l and m e n t a l c o n t i n u i t y i s o n l y a n

e x p r e s s i o n of t h e mind o r s o c i a l s e l f . "

He a s s u r e d me t h a t o u r p e r c e p t i o n of t h e world i s f u n d a m e n t a l l y

tied to how we s e n s e our b o d i e s , and how e l a s t i c i s our b r e a t h i n g . TO

change our p e r c e p t i o n of t h e w o r l d , we must begin by changing o u r

 awareness of our body. We must know t h a t o u r bodies a r e i n c o n s t a n t
f l u x ; y e t , i n o r d e r n o t co lose control during our e t h e r e a l wander-

i n g s , o u r awareness has t o be f i r m l y f i x e d .
"To what i s our awareness f i x e d ? " I asked.

'Not t o the self or the o b j e c t s of t h e w o r l d , " he a s s u r e d me.

"For t h e s e w i l l keep you imprisoned. Rather, it is anchored t o o n e ' s
b r e a t h i n g . The breath i s the l i n e t h a t can p u l l you o u t s i d e of your

b o u n d a r i e s , and make your p h y s i c a l body appear and d i s a p p e a r . "

He t o l d me t o c l o s e my e y e s , and t r y t o anchor my awareness t o my
breathing.
I became apprehensive. Sometimes, when I p r a c t i c e d some of t h e

s o r c e r y p a s s e s C l a r a had t a u g h t me, I f e l t my body m e l t away. But I

never ventured too f a r on t h a t track for f e a r of l o s i n g myself o r
, :
c becoming t o t a l l y unknown t o myself. Even when I had dreamt I was a

crow, I was s t i l l aware of b e i n g myself dreaming I was a crow.

So I began c a u t i o u s l y . According t o don J u a n ' s i n s t r u c t i o n s , I
was t o a l l o w my awareness t o flow outward in a l l directions,as I
e l o n g a t e d my b r e a t h i n g . Then I was t o Link t h e s t r e t c h i n g of. my mind

t o t h e rhythmic flow of t h e breath. Finally, I had to merge my

b r e a t h i n g , which was l i m i t e d , t o t h e l i m i t l e s s b r e a t h i n g of t h e e a r t h
and t h e sky. rie t o l d me t o b r e a t h f a r behind me, h i g h above me and o u t
t o either s i d e , u n t i l t h e v a s t d e s e r t around me moved r h y t h m i c a l l y t o
t h e expansion and c o n t r a c t i o n of t h e b r e a t h .
A f t e r a time of total concentration, I had the s e n s a t i o n of
moving l i k e an enormous bellows; my e n t i r e panorama was p u l s a t i n g t o

t h e same rhythm. A t one p o i n t , I was s o f a r away, t h a t I could b a r e l y

 h e a r don Juan's voice urging m e t o open my eyes and d e s c r i b e t o him

what I had e x p e r i e n c e .

' I was no l o n g e r aware of my body," I said. "It became s o

enormous t h a t I seemed t o c o m p l e t e l y vanish."

"Your body c a n ' t v a n i s h , " he s a i d . " f o r t h e s i m p l e r e a s o n t h a t it

was n e v e r t h e r e i n t h e f i r s t p l a c e . "

I rubbed my c a l v e s t o b r i n g blood back i n t o them.

' I t i s t h e way you p l a c e your a t t e n t i o n t h a t makes you t h i n k you

have a p h y s i c a l body," don J u a n s a i d . " P l a c e your a t t e n t i o n d i f f e r -

e n t l y , and you w i l l have a d i f f e r e n t body. Perhaps t h a t of a horse o r

a cow o r a f a l c o n . "

I told him I d i d n ' t want t h e body of a h o r s e o r a cow. But I

w o u l d n ' t mind being a f l a c o n , t e m p o r a r i l y .

. . .) ' "You d o n ' t need t o worry a b o u t changing your shape p e r m a n e n t l y , "

he a s s u r e d me. " f a t e h a s g i v e n you t h e form of a human b e i n g , and no

m a t t e r where you a r e , t h a t memory w i l l always p u l l you back t o t h a t

p a r t i c u l a r c o n f i g u r a t i o n , a t l e a s t f o r t h e time being."

He s u g g e s t e d that since I had dreamt t h a t I was a crow f l y i n g

o v e r l a n d s c a p e s , I could t r y , i f I had enough e n e r g y , to sustain that

configuration f o r a short w h i l e u s i n g t h e b r e a t h i n g and my a t t e n t i o n

t o b r i n g about t h e change.

"Stalking with the double is what enables you to keep t h e

assemblage p o i n t f i x e d i n t h e new dream p o s i t i o n , " he s a i d . "It means

f l e s h i n g o u t a l l t h e r a m i f i c a t i o n s of being a crow. What i t rteans t o

f l y , how crows f e e l and move, what i t means t o i n t e r a c t w i t h o t h e r

b i r d s , and even t o mate a s a b i r d . You d i d t h a t i n your dream e a r l i e r .
 Let's see i f you can move your assemblage p o i n t t o t h a t p o s i t i o n now,
s t a r t i n g from your waking s t a t e . "
He swept c l e a n an a r e a of ground and spread o u t my poncho. Then
he t o l d me t o l i e on my stomach and r e p e a t t h e b r e a t h i n g I had j u s t
done. Again I was t o p l a c e a l l my awareness o u t s i d e of m y s e l f , then

u s e my mind t o imagine I had formed wings, and my b r e a t h i n g t o c r e a t e

t h e s e n s a t i o n of f l y i n g . A f t e r a p e r i o d of i n t e n s e c o n c e n t r a t i o n and

controlled breathing, I f e l t a h e a v i n e s s on e i t h e r s i d e of me. I t was

a s i f I had g i g a n t i c wings, moving in a rhythmic fashion t o the

pattern ot my breath. The area around my f a c e had grown l o n g and
p o i n t e d , w h i l e my l e g s and arms had become numb and heavy, u n t i l they

disappeared completely. I was looking down, the e a r t h had grown

t r a n s p a r e n t and I could see fields below me; all the while, the
rhythmic expansion of my b r e a t h k e p t t h e g i a n t wings i n motion.
A t one p o i n t , I heard don Juan whisper t h a t I should slow down my

b r e a t h i n g and t r y t o s o a r f o r a w h i l e . A t t h a t suggestion, my b r e a t h
came slower. I could t e e 1 t h e wind a s s c e n e s below me s h i f t e d and t r e e
t o p s , s c.
o r e s of s h r u b s , and d i s t a n t h i l l s came i n t o view. Then I took
a n o t h e r b r e a t h and I was s o a r i n g a g a i n .
After a w h i l e don Juan t o l d me t o s t o p . He s a i d I s h o u l d open my
eyes and c o n c e n t r a t e on remembering my p h y s i c a l body a g a i n . A s I did,
I noticed that the a r e a t h a t was my c h i n was completely numb; i t had
been pressed a g a i n s t t h e h a r d ground. My arms and legs a l s o were

asleep, and it was some time b e f o r e I could move them. Don Juan
b r i s k l y rubbed my c a l v e s and arms until I felt an acute painful
t i n g l i n g sensation. When t h a t s e n s a t i o n s u b s i d e d , I f e l t s o l i d a g a i n .

. .
 "Was I dreaming?" I asked a f t e r I had d e s c r i b e d t o don Juan my

experience.

"You were n o t a s l e e p , " don Juan a s s u r e d me. "You used your i n t e n t

and c o n c e n t r a t e d on your breath t o change your shape. Whenever t h e
b r e a t h g i v e s l i f e t o an i d e a , t h a t new c o n f i g u r a t i o n becomes r e a l . "

He s a i d t h e key t o any transformation o r s o r c e r y shape changing

was combining t h e b r e a t h w i t h an i d e a t o g i v e i t l i f e .

"Most of t h e t i m e , a person has an i d e a w i t h o u t t h e power of t h e

b r e a t h t o a c t u a l i z e i t , " he s a i d . " O r he may have the proper breath

energy, without the intent t o give it form and d i r e c t i o n . But when

b r e a t h and i n t e n t become u n i t e d a s movement and d i r e c t i o n , energy and
form, t h e n a new r e a l i t y i s c r e a t e d and s u s t a i n e d f o r a s l o n g a s t h e
two a r e j o i n e d . That i s what s o r c e r e r s c a l l s t a l k i n g w i t h t h e double.
I t means t o u s e . t h e energy body t o p e r c e i v e a r e a l i t y w i t h form and
s u b s t a n c e and e n e r g e t i c v a l i d i t y . "

' I t c e r t a i n l y f e l t a s i f I had had wings and were f l y i n g . And I

d o n ' t r e c a l l f a i l i n g a s l e e p , " I s a i d . " I t had been j u s t a s r e a l a s t h e

world i n f r o n t of me now."
'Of c o u r s e , you c o u l d n ' t s u s t a i n t h a t i n t e n t f o r v e r y l o n g , " don
~.
J u a n continued. "Because t o concentrate the b r e a t h and f l e s h o u t an
i d e a , t a k e s an e x t r a o r d i n a r y energy. I loaned you some of mine s o you
had no problem in concentrating your b r e a t h and g i v i n g l i f e t o a

d i f f e r e n t r e a l i t y . A r e a l i t y you had found on your own e a r l i e r w h i l e

doing dreaming. Now you r e a c t i v a t e d t h a t same p e r c e p t u a l p l a c e . So you
now have a n o t h e r p o s i t i o n t o go to, that's just as real as t h a t of
being a human being."
 He r e i t e r a t e d t h a t by combining i n t e n t and b r e a t h , one can f o r a

t i m e change o n e ' s p e r c e p t i o n of reality and will oneself t o move

beyond t h e c o n f i n i n g l i m i t s of o n e ' s own b o d i l y c o n f i g u r a t i o n .
"This is what sorcerers call stalking with t h e d o u b l e , " he
repeated. "And t h i s i s what s o r c e r e r s do: t h e y expand the possibili-
t i e s of p e r c e i v i n g beyond t h e l i m i t t h a t i s p e r m i t t e d t o us a s s o c i a l
p e r s o n . I n o t h e r words, t h i s maximizes t h e i r experience as sentient
beings. "

Don J u a n went on t o s a y t h a t t o change i n t o a b i r d o r an a n i m a l ,

was one of t h e power p o s i t i o n s handed down by t h e a n c i e n t s o r c e r e r s of
h i s Lineage. It is one of t h e not-doing t e c h n i q u e s t h a t i s s t i l l i n
u s e today.
"To be a human being i n v o l v e s . m o r e t h a n j u s t being born, l i v i n g

then dying," he s a i d . ?,
It means t o expand o n e ' s p o t e n t i a l by g o i n g
beyond known boundaries of one's existence and leaping into the
unknown. For t o have a body i s n o t t o merely be s o much f l e s h and bone
t h a t has t o be f e d and k e p t a l i v e a t any c o s t .
"To be a l i v e , " he s t r e s s e d , " i s t o be aware, t o be a p o i n t of
view t h a t . n e v e r knows i t s own l i m i t s . N e v e r t h e l e s s , one must t r y t o
comprehend o n e ' s n a t u r e , t o i n t u i t from a finite perspective, one's
infinite possibilities." , ,

Don J u a n said that another precept of t h e s t a l k e r was n e v e r t o

know what h e was, but t o always a c t a s i f he did know. To flesh out'
r e a l i t y and t h e n d i s c a r d it."
',
"That's what it means to be a l i v e , " he s a i d . "To i n t u i t i v e l y
g r a s p t h e wonder of t h e w o r l d , and t o b o l d l y l e a p i n t o t h e i n f i n i t e i n

s p i t e of o u r r a t i o n a l l i m i t a t i o n s . To l i n k o u r b r e a t h w i t h a n y t h i n g we

2U9
can imagine, u n t i l we become s o f l u i d and unknown t o ourselves, that

we become t h e unimaginable. To s t a l k w i t h t h e double i s t o a t t e m p t t o

touched t h e bottomless s p r i n g s of o u r m y s t e r i o u s o r i g i n s . "

Don Juan s u g g e s t e d t h a t I s i t quietly for a moment and contem-

p l a t e what he had said, for changing shapes i n t h e t r a d i t i o n of t h e

s o r c e r e r s was a d e l i b e r a t e a c t of n o t - d o i n g of t h e body, a complex

maneuver of s t a l k i n g .

"Only by departing from inner s i l e n c e can one r e a c h t h e deep

l e v e l of awareness t h a t w i l l a l l o w u s t o g r a s p and move i n t u i t i v e l y , "

he said. "Only by rest and renunciation can one circumvent t h e

r e l e n t l e s s c o n t r o l of r e a s o n . "

He uncorked h i s gourd and gave ma a d r i n k . Kight away I f e l t

b e t t e r and noticed t h a t t h e nervous tremor t h a t had t a k e n h o l d of my

m i d s e c t i o n had a l l but d i s a p p e a r e d .

" I t is n o t our body t h a t makes us t h e same day a f t e r d a y , " he

disclosed after a long silence. "One's body i s c o n s t a n t l y changing

d e g e n e r a t i n g , and soon i t w i l l d i e . Kegard your body a s y o u r s e l f , and

you, t o o w i l l d e g e n e r a t e and d i e . "

"What, t h e n , should I r e g a r d a s myself?" I asked.

Don Juan smiled. H i s eyes became two s l i t s a s h e p e e r e d a t me.

"See y o u r s e l f as a spirit that roams t h e realm of t h e unchang-

ing," he r e p l i e d . "Consider y o u r s e l f one w i t h t h e m y s t e r i o u s d a r k n e s s

t h a t is never i n c r e a s e d o r d i m i n i s h e d . Kegard y o u r s e l f a s t h e s e , and

your p o t e n t i a l w i l l be l i m i t l e s s . "

Don Juan e x p l a i n e d t h a t whereas our bodies and o u r a c t i o n s a r e i n

constant flux, o n l y t h e realm of t h e dark m y s t e r i o u s remains c o n s t a n t

because n o t h i n g can be added t o it o r t a k e n from it. Therefore, i n

 o r d e r t o have genuine c o n t i n u i t y - - w h i c h i s i n e s s e n c e no c o n t i n u i t y a t

a l l - - we must link ourselves to the strata beyond the world of

appearance. Our bodies must become s o a b s t r a c t , t h a t we become aware

of. n o t - b e i n g .

"We a r e what we are not," Don Juan said c r y p t i c a l l y . "And

whatever we t h i n k we a r e , i s temporary, i l l u s o r y and o n l y t h e s m a l l e s t
fragment o t o u r t r u e n a t u r e . "

"Then, i f we can n e v e r know o u r s e l v e s , " I s a i d , " i t seemed t o me

t o o l o n e l y , t o o s o l i t a r y a p a t h t o be b e n e f i c i a l . "
I had always thought t h a t even i f p e o p l e were i n d i f f e r e n t t o one
a n o t h e r , t h e y were s t i l l t h e r e t o f a l l back on. To be w i t h o u t a self'

would be t o be w i t h o u t o t h e r s , and t h a t seemed t o me t h e c o l d e s t most

d e s o l a t e mode of e x i s t a n c e .

, .. ,I "There i s no way you can e v e r be with yourself o r o t h e r s , " don

Juan r e i t e r a t e d . "Except a s c o n t r o l l e d f o l l y . We a r e t h e empty mani-
f e s t a t i o n s of an u n g r a s p a b l e f o r c e s o r c e r e r s c a l l t h e Eagle."
He s a i d t h e l i g h t t h a t r e a c h e s our eyes are the E a g l e ' s emana-

t i o n s . He stressed that it i s a mistake f o r us t o regard o u r a c t s as

our own, o r t o t h i n k o t o u r s e l v e s i n charge o r i n command. F o r t o do

s o o n l y p e r p e t u a t e s t h e f a l s e dichotomy of a s e l f t h a t i s t h e m o t i v a t -
i n g t o r c e o t a n a c t i o n , and a n o t h e r s e l f t h a t is t h e doer o r executer
behind t h a t a c t i o n . I t is t h a t mind-body misconception t h a t i s a t t h e
r o o t of our c o n t u s i o n . I t l e a d s t o a f a l s e view of t h e world.
"Give your b r e a t h and energy t o p e r p e t u a t e t h e s o c i a l p e r s o n , and
your r e a l n a t u r e remains f o r e v e r o b s c u r e d , " don J u a n warned. "For t h e
s e l f , o r t h e s o c i a l , c u l t u r a l image t h a t one enhances w i t h one's l i f e
 .. ,.
. . ...
~ f o r c e , i s a m i s t a k e . I t i s o n l y a way of t h i n k i n g and t a l k i n g , and n o t
what we a r e a t a l l . ' '
He admitted t h a t o u r t r u e n a t u r e i s one w i t h t h e u n d e r l y i n g f o r c e

that sorcerers call the Eagle. Seers can s e e i t s energy f l o w i n g

through us and making up o u r v e r y being; and we must humbly acknow-

ledge t h a t life force, o r we remain b l i n d t o e v e r y t h i n g around u s . I

wanted don Juan t o t e l l me more about t h i s m y s t e r i o u s power t h a t a c t s

through u s . He shrugged and r e p l i e d t h a t t h e r e was n o t h i n g more t o s a y

about i t ; that, we simply were different aspects of t h e Eagle's
emanations, j u s t a s was e v e r y t h i n g e l s e i n e x i s t e n c e .
I p r e s s e d him t o e l a b o r a t e on i t s a t t r i b u t e s .

" S o r c e r e r s have been u n a b l e t o unravel i t s mystery even though

throughout a n t i q u i t y , s e e r s have p u t a l l t h e i r e t f o r t s i n t o a t t e m p t i n g
t o understanding i t . And because of t h i s i n a b l i t y t h e y c a l l e d i t t h e
G r e a t Unfathomable. The o l d s o r c e r e r s c a l l e d it t h e Eagle because i t
stands with i t s beak open r e a d y t o devour awareness a t t h e moment of
death. I t s emanations a r e commands because we must f o l l o w them, j u s t

as planets must follow their orbits i n t h e sky. Those who humbly

acquiesce t o t h e Eagle's commands, remain h e a l t h y and strong; those

who f i g h t a g a i n s t i t , wear themselves o u t and f i n d an e a r l y d e a t h . "

He s t r e s s e d t h a t only by a c q u i e s c i n g t o t h e f o r c e t h a t moves u s
can we f i n d w e l l - b e i n g and purpose; happiness; fighting a g a i n s t it

b r i n g s d i s e a s e and unhappiness.
"In order t o create a n y t h i n g , " he e x p l a i n e d , "we must draw from
t h e emanations of t h e E a g l e , from i t s dark s i d e and bring it i n t o
being, that is, into the field of awareness of man. T h i s is how

s o r c e r e r s make t h i n g s happen; this is the true essence of magic.

 Since everything has a d a r k s i d e and a l i g h t s i d e , t h e d u a l elements
o f movement and r e s t , of a c t i v i t y and i n a c t i o n , t h i n g s can be f l i p p e d
around. And t h a t i s how s o r c e r e r s c r o s s t h e boundaries of t h e v i s i b l e

world i n t o t h e realm of t h e i n v i s i b l e . "

"Are you t a l k i n g a b o u t t h e m y t h i c a l realm of t h e Yaqui I n d i a n s ? "
I asked.

' I ' m not just talking a b o u t t h e realm o t t h e Yaqui I n d i a n s , " he

stressed. " I am t a l k i n g about a l l existence. I f your awareness i s

linked to the origin ot all t h i n g s , you can accomplish seemingly
impossible f e a t s ."
"How does one do t h a t ? "
"Follow t h e n a t u r a l rhythm of t h i n g s , and moving w i t h t h e energy
around you," he s a i d . " I t you want t o a c t , you must be t r a n q u i l . By
t h e same t o k e n , it you want to rest, you must fill yourself with
activity ."
He said that when both elements, being and n o t - b e i n g a r e i n

balance, s o t h a t inside we are unchanging and imperturbable, but

o u t s i d e we a r e f l u i d and c h a n g e a b l e , then we r e f l e c t t h e power behind
a l l things. He added t h a t in order to reflect the realm of t h e

unchanging, we have t o suspend o u r everyday view of t h e world. He

s t r e s s e d t h a t suspending o u r human judgments is the f i r s t step into
t h e realm of t h e unknowable, and f o r t h i s t o t a k e p l a c e , q u i e t i n g t h e
i n t e r n a l d i a l o g u e i s a fundamental p r e r e q u i s i t e .
" T h e r e f o r e , it i s of utmost importance t o achieve inner silence
throughthe p r a c t i c e of the recapitulation, t h e s o r c e r y p a s s e s , and
a l l t h e s o r c e r y not-doing t e c h n i q u e s you have been t a u g h t , " he s a i d .
>
"Only i n t h i s way can you l o s e y o u r s e l f and b e one w i t h t h e v a s t n e s s . ,,
 P l a c e s of Power

The a f t e r n o o n brought c o o l r e l i e f . Don Juan and I had h i k e d t o a

p l a c e where v o l c a n i c e r u p t i o n s had t a k e n p l a c e m i l l i o n s of y e a r s ago.

The area was strewn with huge chunks of l a v a and p i e c e s of s h i n y

o b s i d i a n t h a t s p r e a d o u t on t h e d e s e r t l i k e a lumpy g r e y c a r p e t .

' T h e Yaqui I n d i a n s r e g a r d t h i s as a place of power," don J u a n

remarked. "They s a y that there i s energy trapped i n a l l t h i s l a v a

rock. "

"What kind of energy?" I asked c a t c h i n g my b r e a t h .

"The k i n d of energy t h a t can make one discover things of t h e

past. A l l one has t o do i s . p i c k up a r o c k , be s i l e n t , and l i s t e n t o

i t s message."

"Do you r e a l l y b e l i e v e r o c k s can talk?" I asked. " I s n ' t that a

b i t farfetched?"

"Don't t a k e my word tor it," don Juan replied. "Find o u t f o r

y o u r s e l f whether o r n o t i t ' s t r u e . "

He p o i n t e d t o a h i l l n o t tar from where we were. "Let's hike t o

t h e t o p o t t h a t mound. T h a t ' s t h e b e s t s p o t t o l i s t e n t o rocks."

We walked over t h e uneven t e r r a i n . Even though I had on a p a i r

of t h i c k c r e p e s o l e d s h o e s , t h e r o c k s and obsidian glass were s h a r p

and t h e loose stones made walking d i f f i c u l t . I was c a r e f u l t o a v o i d

t h e p a t c h e s of t u n a c a c t u s w i t h t h o r n y s p i n e s t h a t j u t t e d o u t between

21 4
t h e clumps o t rock. I had once been t o l d t h a t c a c t u s s p i n e s were

e x t r e m e l y dangerous, f o r t h e y could l o d g e themselves i n t h e body, and

travel to the heart o r even t o the brain, causing sudden d e a t h . I

d i d n ' t know whether o r n o t t h a t was t r u e , but I w a s n ' t about t o put

t h e theory t o a t e s t .

When we reached t h e t o p of t h e promontory, I was winded. I sat

down t o r e s t , t a k i n g i n t h e m a g n i f i c e n t view. I could s e e the e n t i r e

desert valley with its winding highway weaving i n a s o u t h e a s t e r l y

direction. The p u r p l e h i l l s i n t h e d i s t a n c e l a y l i k e a jagged c u t o u t

against the sky. Seemingly from nowhere a s o l i t a r y crow flew toward

u s cawing a s it passed overhead. Don Juan looked up to note its'

d i r e c t i o n o t f l i g h t . I t was f l y i n g i n t o t h e a f t e r n o o n sun.

"Does t h e f l i g h t of crows mean a n y t h i n g i n p a r t i c u l a r ? " I asked.

"You b e t i t d o e s , " he r e p l i e d d u s t i n g o f f h i s h a t . "Especially i f

one has a n a f f i n i t y w i t h them. Crows can be b e a r e r s of messages. But

i t ' s e a s y t o m i s i n t e r p r e t t h e omens."

W h a t happens i f you g e t t h e message wrong?" I asked.

"All sorts of u n f o r t u n a t e t h i n g s , " he s a i d solemnly. "You could

wind up going f u l l speed a h e a d , when you should be b i d i n g your time.

Or you could miss an opprobriate turn in t h e r o a d , because you

h e s i t a t e t o act."

"You mean a crow could s a v e your l i f e ? " I s a i d .

" I t c o u l d , " don Juan a g r e e d . "Crows and o t h e r e n t i t i e s s e r v e as

g u i d e s . They tell a s o r c e r e r what t o do and when t o do i t . I n t h e

w a r r i o r ' s world, t i m i n g i s c r u c i a l . If you m i s s your chance, i t may

n e v e r come again."
,J The f i n a l i t y of h i s words gave me a c h i l l . I knew what he meant.
There was a c o n d i t i o n of b e i n g o u t of synchronization with life. It

was a f e e l i n g of i n n e r u n b a l a n c e ; of n e v e r c a t c h i n g t h e c r e s t of t h e
wave and r i d i n g w i t h i t , b u t always having it b r e a k on t o p of you.

Therefore, instead of a breathtaking r i d e , one f e e l s tumbled, over-

whelmed, a s i f something had c r a s h e d upon one full force when one

w a s n ' t ready o r when one l e a s t expected it.
" T h a t ' s what I mean by t i m i n g , " don J u a n a g r e e d when I d e s c r i b e d
t o him t h i s s t a t e .
"What causes t h i s c o n d i t i o n of being o u t of s t e p ? " I asked.
"Having l o s t our c o n n e c t i o n w i t h our d o u b l e , " he s a i d .
' I d o n ' t u n d e r s t a n d ? Can you e x p l a i n what you mean?"

"1 mean t h a t when we a r e born we are intrinsically connected t o

)
our other s i d e . The l i n e s of communication w i t h t h e b r o a d e r p i c t u r e ,

s o t o speak, a r e open. But a s we grow, we gradually cut off that

connection and we live with o n l y h a l f our being. T h e r e f o r e we a r e

always unbalanced and have t h e f e e l i n g we a r e m i s s i n g something."

Don J u a n . p a u s e d f o r a moment as i f wondering whether or not to

c o n t i n u e . "There i s something e l s e , " he s a i d . " I t has t o do w i t h t h e
way a person is conceived."
" I f you a r e going t o t e l l me about the theory of t h e bored
c o n c e p t i o n , I a l r e a d y heard t h a t from CLara."
"Well, hear it a g a i n from me because i t o b v i o u s l y h a s n ' t sunk

in. The o f f s p r i n g of any l o v e making w i l l be f u l l of e n e r g y and w i l l

have the power to live in the moment o n l y i f b o t h p a r e n t s were
sexually excited. I f o n l y one p a r e n t had an o u t b u r s t of e x c i t a t i o n ,
\,
, t h e c h i l d ' s e n e r g e t i c n a t u r e w i l l be imbalanced and a p a r t of him w i l l

21 6
 always l a g behind. I f n e i t h e r of t h e p a r e n t s t e l t very e x c i t e d , which

i s u s u a l l y t h e c a s e a f t e r many y e a r s of l i v i n g w i t h someone, t h e c h i l d

w i l l be what w e c a l l a bored c o n c e p t i o n , and h e w i l l n o t be c a p a b l e of

e n e r g e t i c a l l y g r a s p i n g l i f e ' s flow."

hat's a dismal scenario," I said. " I s n ' t t h e r e a n y t h i n g one

can do about i t . After a l l we a r e n ' t responsible f o r what happened

d u r i n g t h e moment of our conception."

"Of c o u r s e t h e r e are other f a c t o r s besides t h e i n i t i a l energetic

t h r u s t , and t h a t ' s t h e c h a l l e n g e of reestablishing the l i n k with the

double. Any one can do that, no m a t t e r how l e t h a r g i c a l l y one was

conceived ."
"How can one r e e s t a b l i s h a l i n k w i t h t h e double?" I asked.

'By c u r t a i l i n g s e l f importance. By n o t b e i n g concerned with the

concreteness of things. By becoming a b s t r a c t i n o n e ' s t h i n k i n g and

behavior. By t r e a t i n g e v e r y t h i n g a s m a n i f e s t a t i o n s of energy, and n o t

as objective reality. Focusing on t h e s e l f t a k e s energy t h a t one

needs t o a c t e f f i c i e n t l y . For example, t o regret past actions or t o

be t o o involved o r concerned w i t h t h e outcome of a n y t h i n g , weight a

p e r s o n down s o t h a t he cannot a c t e f f i c i e n t l y , s p o n t a n e o u s l y , and w i t h

t h e p r o p e r timing."

"What i f you j u s t d o n ' t know what t o do o r when t o do i t ? " I s a i d

i n a complaining t o n e .

"You must s t o p and w a i t , u n t i l you c a t c h t h e motion of t h i n g s , "

don Juan replied. "And l i s t e n f o r t h e omens; watch t h e i n d i c a t i o n s

e m i t t e d from t h e world around you. They a c t d i r e c t l y on your e n e r g e t i c

body. Of c o u r s e , f o r t h a t , you have t o be a b s o l u t e l y f l u i d and have

. t o reduce your d e s i r e s t o n o t h i n g . You must f e e l no h u r r y and have. no

need t o control or manipulate things. Then you can l i s t e n t o the

world's whispers. Sometimes omens t e l l you how t o do something. As

f o r example, which p l a n t t o pick for a p a r t i c u l a r a i l m e n t . O r they

p r e d i c t t h e outcome of a c o u r s e o f a c t i o n . N a t u r a l l y , o t h e r f o r c e s can

t e l l you t h e s e t h i n g s t o o . "

"What o t h e r f o r c e s a r e t h o s e ? "

"The v o i c e of s e e i n g , f o r example. That comes d i r e c t l y from your

e n e r g e t i c body. O r i t may come from a n o t h e r entity that a d v i s e s you.

At any rate, it advises you from a p l a c e n o t a c c e s s i b l e t o your

everyday p h y s i c a l body. And you have to open a channel to that

place. "

Don J u a n was u n u s u a l l y s e r i o u s , he k e p t g l a n c i n g a t t h e h i l l s i d e

a s i t w a i t i n g f o r someone o r f o r something t o happen. On an impulse,

he raised his arms above his head and s t r e t c h e d . I imitated h i s

movements t h a t could be likened t o a monkey b r a c k e t i n g on i n v i s i b l e

t r e e branches. I c o u l d n ' t h e l p n o t i c i n g t h a t t h e sky was a c e r u l e a n

b l u e , n o t g r e y and hazy a s i n Los Angeles where sometimes you c a n ' t

see the high r i s e s a few blocks away. The sky was a c l e a r i m p e n e t r -

able canopy, pure and c r y s t a l l i n e . I imagined I c o u l d h e a r sounds

from m i l e s away, t o r t h e r e was n o t h i n g i n t h e a i r t o impede t h e waves

coming toward u s .

" S i t h e r e t o r a w h i l e , q u i e t your t h o u g h t s and l i s t e n t o t h e l a v a

r o c k s , " don Juan s a i d . " I ' l l go t o the o t h e r s i d e of t h e h i l l s o I

w o n ' t d i s t u r b your c o n c e n t r a t i o n . "

"You won't d i s t u r b my c o n c e n t r a t i o n , " I s a i d , but he was already

walking around a bend. I was about t o f o l l o w him when it o c c u r r e d t o

me t h a t he might have gone t o relieve h i m s e l f behind a boulder. I

218
 decided t o s t a y put and t r y l i s t e n i n g t o t h e rocks a s he had s u g g e s t -

e d , a l t h o u g h I h a d n ' t t h e v a g u e s t n o t i o n of what he meant by l i s t e n i n g

t o the rocks, Â ¥ owhat I was supposed t o hear i f it did l i s t e n t o

them.

I t took me a long t i m e t o q u i e t my thoughm. I was angry w i t h my

mother tor not having been sexually excited when she made me.

Although Nelida had t o l d me from her seeing t h a t my f a t h e r had been

besides himself with passion, my mother had n o t l i k e d him and had

barely f e l t a thing. I blamed her for my deficiencies, f o r being

dependent on others for my w e l i b e i n g , which I was w e l l a w a r e , was a

disastrous situation. As I was m u l l i n g t h i s over i n my mind, my eye

was caught by a s h i n y o b j e c t a b o u t twenty f e e t i n f o n t of me. The sun

was r e f l e c t e d on a p i e c e of g l a s s , o r perhaps i t was o b s i d i a n , o r even

a piece of m e t a l . As I gazed a t i t , my i n t e r n a l d i a l o g u e g r a d u a l l y

ceased.

I n t h e d e s e r t where everything is barren, the mind seems t o

f l a t t e n out a s i f t o m i r r o r t h e t e r r a i n . The jagged i n t e r n a l peaks of

worry and d i s c o n t e n t d i s s o l v e s o t h a t i n s i d e and o u t t h e r e a r e no bar-

riers, no expectations, no preconceptions to interfere with t h e

n a t u r a l f l o w o f energy. A s I c o n t i n u e d my gazing p r a c t i c e , I experi-

enced a moment of welcomed release, a s i f concerns t h a t had been

weighing me down had suddenly l i f t e d o f f me. U n t i l t h a t moment, I had

n o t r e a l i z e d t h e horrendous burden concerns about t h e s e l f p l a c e d upon'

one. I t seemed much e a s i e r t o simply l e t go, r a t h e r than to carry

them around l i k e s o much u s e l e s s baggage.

I scanned t h e ground u n t i l I found what I was l o o k i n g f o r . A r o c k

+" t h a t was n e a r t h e s h i n y o b j e c t , seemed t o beacon me. I picked up t h e

, r o c k and looked a t it. I t was an o r d i n a r y p i e c e of l a v a , l i g h t and

p o r o u s , but somehow, I developed a rapport with it. It may sound

strange t o form a s y m p a t h e t i c bond w i t h an inanimate o b j e c t , b u t t h a t

r o c k had movement i n s i d e i t . I gazed a t i t ; i t was smooth and round

and had yellow specks s h o o t i n g o f f i t s b l a c k s u r f a c e . I followed t h e

l i n e s w i t h my e y e s . Then I saw t h e glow around i t , a b r i g h t buff

color t h a t seemed f r i e n d l y and y e t awesome a t t h e same t i m e i n i t s

agelessness.

Following an i n n e r d i r e c t i v e , I h e l d t h e r o c k t o my abdomen. I

d i d n ' t expect t o hear a n y t h i n g , f o r I was n o t l i s t e n e d w i t h my e a r s ,

and don J u a n h a d n ' t s p e c i f i e d what I had t o do. But s u r p r i s i n g l y , t h e

amorphous chunk of l a v a began t o t e l l me things. I a s s u r e d myself

t h a t I was merely imagining it, b u t . it didn't matter; I listened

!
anyway. I t was a kind o f game I was p l a y i n g t o humor don J u a n s o I

would have something t o r e p o r t t o him l a t e r . Mentally, I asked t h e

r o c k from where it came, and I immediately r e c e i v e d a s t r o n g t i n g l i n g

s e n s a t i o n i n my womb, and I i n s t a n t l y knew t h i n g s a b o u t t h e rock t h a t

t o t h e r a t i o n a l mind would have been absurd.

For example, t h e rock t o l d me about t h e d e p t h of t h e e a r t h from

where it had come, s a y i n g i t was l i k e a womb. I t was born, o r r a t h e r

spewed up by a tremendous f o r c e eons ago. I t t o l d me how i t reckon

t i m e i n terms of eons r a t h e r t h a n y e a r s t h e way we d i d . And s e e n w i t h

in the l i m i t e d temporal r a n g e we c a l l h i s t o r y , o u r l i v e s a r e i n s i g n i -

f i c a n t w i t h r e s p e c t t o eons gone by. I t t o l d me about our blindness,

that grave misconception that we operate under,that we t h i n k we

m a n i p u l a t e n a t u r e and c o n t r o l i t , o u r s e l v e s and o t h e r s . When a c t u a l l y
 t h i s is o n l y a m i r a g e , a q u a l i t y of s e l f - r e f l e c t i o n and most of a l l a

s c a r c i t y of time.

A s I h e l d t h e r o c k , I had a p e c u l i a r s e n s e of s e e i n g t h e broader

picture, in which I was being c o n t r o l l e d , d r i v e n by r e l e n t l e s s f o r c e s

t o an i n e v i t a b l e d e s t r u c t i o n .

I f e l t t h i s i n my m i d s e c t i o n a s a ' s e r i e s of s o f t r i p p l e s . I t was
a muttled movement coming from w i t h i n t h e r o c k ' s c o r e a s I h e l d i t t o

my abdomen. I was a b s o r b i n g t h e r o c k ' s essence u n t i l my e n t i r e body

f e l t as i f it were covered in layers of s u b t l e vibration. Then a

profound melancholy grasped me, as one existential question a f t e r

another arose. Why am I a l i v e ? Who am I ? What i s t h e p o i n t Co a l l

this?

For a w h i l e I s a t on the hilltop in the middle of nowhere,

c o n t e m p l a t i n g t h e f u t i l i t y of l i f e , when a tremor when through me l i k e

t h e r o l l of t h u n d e r , t h a t shook me t o t h e c o r e . I felt a r e l e a s e of

feelings that I could not name or isolate. I remembered C l a r a ' s

words; t h a t t h e r e i s no end to the w e l l s p r i n g s of man's i n d u l g e n c e .

I n s t e a d of f i g h t i n g o r containing i t , I l e t t h e shiver pass u n t i l a l l

I

was s t i l l a g a i n .

I t e l t exhausted, as i f a volcano had erupted spilling forth

mountains of clinging and concern. iixperiences that I had n o t

t h o r o u g h l y r e c a p i t u l a t i o n gushed f o r t h s o suddenly that I could not

stop to examine them; I didn't even have t i m e t o do t h e sweeping

b r e a t h t o b r e a t h t h e f e e l i n g s away. I understood how t h e baggage of

memory and experience had made me heavy, ponderous, e n c r u s t e d w i t h

concerns about what I t h o u g h t , f e l t , wanted t o be, or d i d n ' t want t o

be.;=&?he$e m e n t a l t a b r i c a t i o n s had s e r v e d o n l y weigh me down s o t h a t I
was f o r e v e r o u t of s y n c h r o n i z a t i o n w i t h t i m e and l i f e .
I wanted t o l e t go of e v e r y t h i n g i n s i d e me, l e a v e i t a i l behind,

s t a r t with nothing, so I could be f r e e , but something i n me d i d n o t

want t o - l e t go. It clung to life and teared oblivion. Yet, t h e
message of t h e l a v a r o c k was t o l e a v e t h i n g s a s t h e y a r e ; n o t t o worry
about t r i v i a l i t i e s , n o t t o s t r i v e o r i n t e r f e r e . Things w i l l take care
of themselves. Live f o r t o d a y , f o r t h e weight of a l l our y e s t e r d a y s
w i l l d r a g u s down, and t h o u g h t s of tomorrow w i l l d i s t r a c t us from o u r
present purpose. The rock told me t h e r e i s a way of p e r c e i v i n g
w i t h o u t p o s s e s s i n g , and t h a t was by s i m p l y allowing Lite t o unfold,
t o be what i t i s , o u t s i d e y e t i n e x t r i c a b l e merged w i t h t h e s e l f a t any
p a r t i c u l a r moment.
I Looked a t t h e r o c k and thanked i t f o r i t s messages. I was about

to put it in my pocket to take it w i t h me a s a reminder of how

i m p o r t a n t i t i s t o l e t go when, I f e l t a t a p on my r i g h t s h o u l d e r .
"Haven't you l e a r n e d a n y t h i n g from your gushing r e a l i z a t i o n s ? " I
heard a v o i c e say.
Instantly I dropped the r o c k and looked up p e t r i f i e d , p a n t i n g
i n s t e a d o t b r e a t h i n g . There in front o f me was N e l i d a . I received

such a j o l t t o my m i d s e c t i o n t h a t I f e a r e d I had t o go t o t h e bathroom

on t h e s p o t . Nelida t o l d me t o immediately assume a halt sitting,

h a l f k n e e l i n g p o s t u r e t h a t s o r c e r e r s u s e i n moments of g r e a t upheaval.

She helped me t u c k my r i g h t l e g under the crutch w i t h my right foot

pressing the perineum; my L e t t knee was bend and my t h i g h and c a l f
were p r e s s e d t o my body.
 "Use t h i s p o s t u r e of p r o t e c t i o n whenever you r e c e i v e d a f r i g h t o r

j o l t , " she advised.

I sat there tor a few moments t o compose m y s e l f . I had t h e

certainty that Nelida had manifested h e r s e l f o u t of nowhere on t h e

hillside like the apparition of a Virgin. Then I r e a l i z e d t h e

absurdity o t t h i s and told myself that probably Nelida had been

w a i t i n g on t h e o t h e r s i d e o t t h e h i l l and don Juan had t o l d h e r where

t o f i n d me.

' I l i k e t h e explanation o t the Virgin appearing o u t o t nowhere

b e t t e r , " N e l i d a s a i d w i t h a laugh. "I could be t h e V i r g i n of t h e Lava.

L e t ' s build a g r o t t o h e r e on t h i s spot. People would come from a l l

o v e r t o v e n e r a t e . As t h e s a y i n g g o e s , "Where t h e r e i s v e n e r a t i o n , even

r o c k s emit l i g h t . "

I laughed a t h e r l i g h t h e a r t e d humor and began t o f e e l more a t

e a s e . Nelida s a t down on a n e a r b y boulder. I couldn't help noticing

how s t y l i s h l y s h e was d r e s s e d . She had on khaki culottes and a

matching jacket and high black boots t h a t were made of s o f t Napa

leather. She looked a s it she was an advertisement for a travel

magazine.

"Do you envy my o u t f i t ? " s h e asked n o t i c i n g my f u r t i v e g l a n c e s .

I felt myself f l u s h . The l a s t t h i n g I wanted t o do was t o envy

NeLida's c l o t h e s , but something i n me couldn't help it. I was s o

dishevelled, so rumpled t h a t I felt l i k e a sod of e a r t h n e x t t o h e r

c o o l , f r e s h appearance. How could anyone look s o s p i f f y i n t h e d e s e r t ?

It would never occur to me t o d r e s s up t o go romping through t h e

boulders and c a c t u s .

I
 "L w i s h I d i d n ' t envy a l l t h e t i m e , " I whined. "But I c a n ' t h e l p
+
i t . Every t i m e I s e e someone w i t h something expensive o r good l o o k i n g ,

I want i t too.''

She laughed and reminded me t h a t I had j u s t s p e n t a hour p u r g i n g

myself of d e s i r e s and a t t a c h m e n t s .

"What happened to a l l your c a t h a r t i c r e a l i z a t i o n s , l i t t l e m i s s ,

Me-Too?" s h e s a i d s m i l i n g . "Well, a t l e a s t your g l a n c e s d o n ' t i n c l u d e

men's c r o t c h e s . "

' I beg your pardon? Why would I l o o k a t men's' c r o t c h e s ? "

Nelida smiled. "You'd be s u r p r i s e d a t how many woman a r e f i x a t e d

on men's r e a r ends. Whenever some women pass a man i n the s t r e e t ,

t h e i r eyes a u t o m a t i c a l l y wander down i n t h a t d i r e c t i o n . "

"Well, t o me men's crotches a r e the least i n t e r e s t i n g p a r t of

t h e i r anatomy," I s a i d peeved.

"Perhaps," she s a i d with a sparkle. 'But my p o i n t i s t h a t our

eyes are trained to seek out things. For some o t u s i t ' s a good

looking t a c e o r d e r r i e r e , t o r others it i s a r t i c l e s of c l o t h i n g . We

were a l l t r a i n e d l i k e monkeys t o g r a s p and covet t h i n g s . "

' I suppose you're r i g h t , " I said. "But I c a n ' t h e l p wanting t h e

e x c i t i n g t h i n g s o t h e r s have."

"Don't you know t h a t t o have possessions is unimportant," she

said. "There i s no need t o s t r i v e o r s t r u g g l e . E v e r y t h i n g t a k e s c a r e

of i t s e l f . "

I t o l d h e r how my mother had s p e n t h e r e n t i r e l i f e struggling t o

a c q u i r i n g t h i n g s ; c h i n a , f u r n i t u r e , knickknacks t o r t h e house. And i f

s h e d i d n ' t have t h e money t o buy c e r t a i n i t e m s , which was u s u a l l y t h e

c a s e , s h e would f e e l d e p r i v e d and unhappy. There was always t h a t l o o k

224
 of disappointment and envy i n her eyes whenever we went to visit

f r i e n d s and she saw something f o r t h e i r house l i k e a matching s e t of

cookware, o r matching l u g g a g e , o r when one of her friends showed up

w i t h a new d r e s s o r c o a t .

' I refused t o take anything t h a t s h e had saved f o r me, when I

l e f t , " I said defiantly.

"You may n o t have t a k e n h e r embroidered t a b l e c l o t h s t h a t s h e was

saving t o r you i n h e r hope c h e s t , " Nelida s a i d , "but you c e r t a i n l y

t o o k h e r envy. You would have been b e t t e r o f f t a k i n g t h e n a p k i n s and

s i l v e r w a r e and leaving t h e c o v e t i n g behind. That s e n s e of c o v e t i n g ,

was t h e l e g a c y t h a t she handed down t o you."

" I t ' s easy t o l e a v e something concrete like napkins ," I said.

"Those a r e r e a l . But envy i s n ' t r e a l . How can I l e t go of something

I that i s n ' t real?"

"You begin by r e c a p i t u l a t i n g , " H e l i d a s a i d .

"I a l r e a d y r e c a p i t u l a t e d t h a t and i t d i d n ' t work."

" I t works. But you keep going back t o t h i n g s t h a t you should have

l e t go o t long ago."

' I hadn't even been aware t h a t i t was s t i l l p a r t o t my baggage,"

I said.

"Well now you a r e aware of i t , " s h e s a i d . "Energy l e a v e s from t h e

eyes and also enters through them. So c o n t r o l your g l a n c e s . It's

extremely i m p o r t a n t t o t r a i n o n e ' s eyes."

,,How can one t r a i n o n e ' s e y e s ? "

'By p l a c i n g a l l your i n t e n t i n f o r g i n g your energy body and n e v e r

d e v i a t e from t h a t p u r p o s e , " Nelida s a i d . "Recapitulating i s only the

beginning. It loosens your aftiliation with every day l i f e and

225
 i diminishes the force w i t h which o b j e c t s impinge on t h e energy from
your e y e s . Now u s e t h a t added energy n o t r e i n f o r c e your envy, but t o
f o r g e your energy body, your double. I n s t e a d of r e f l e c t i n g envy, use
your e y e s t o e n e r g i z e t h e double. Only w i t h your energy body w i l l you
be a b l e t o make t h e a b s t r a c t f l i g h t . "

"Why do you c a l l i t t h e a b s t r a c t f l i g h t ? " I asked.

,,S o r c e r e r s b e l i e v e t h a t t h e r e a r e o t h e r u n i v e r s e s b e s i d e s t h e one
i n t o which you we born," s h e r e p l i e d . " B u t o n l y someone who h a s s t o r e d

enough energy i s a b l e t o c r o s s o v e r and move through d i f f e r e n t i n t e r -

sections ."
"How a r e t h e o t h e r u n i v e r s e s d i f f e r e n t ? " I asked
"The world we a r e born i n t o is concrete and is determined by
organic matter governed by physical laws," she s a i d . "It i s l i n e a r l y

i f a c t u a l l y o r g a n i z e d i n terms of time and space. But w i t h enough

a .-:
energy we a r e a b l e t o c r o s s o v e r boundaries t h a t s e p a r a t e w o r l d s upon
w o r l d s . Worlds i n which energy i s i n o r g a n i c , n o t l i n e a r but c i r c u l a r ,
e v e r p r e s e n t and t i m e l e s s . I t i s n o t made up of m a t t e r , but of energy

and awareness. And one can only enter into the other r e a l m s by
becoming f o r m l e s s and v i r t u a l l y a b s t r a c t . I n e s s e n c e , one becomes t h e

dream body and t h i s crossing over is t h e abstract flight. So d o n ' t

w a s t e your energy on envying c o n c r e t e o b j e c t s you can n e v e r t a k e w i t h

you, but which o n l y burden you down and w i l l make you s t a y put. Use
your energy t o forge your energy body s o you can make t h e a b s t r a c t
flight. "

"How do I f o r g e my energy body?" I asked.

N e l i d a d i d n o t answer. b u t beckoned me w i t h a crook o f h e r index
finger t o f o l l o w her. We l e f t t h e h i l l t o p and stopped a t 2 clearing
22b
 where s h e t o l d me to light a tire. When w e had g o t t e n e n o u g h wood

g a t h e r , I l i t a t i r e w i t h my matches. Only then did N e l i d a make

h e r s e l f c o m f o r t a b l e on a l a r g e r o c k and began t a l k i n g t o me a g a i n .

'One sorcery pass in particular has the intent t o forge the

e n e r g y b o d y , " s h e s a i d . "And someday someone w i l l show i t t o you. Now

w e must use t h e flame t o change t h e d i r e c t i o n of y o u r e y e s s o t h a t

t h e y w i l l no l o n g e r r e f l e c t human c o n c e r n s b u t t h e dreaming body, t h e

e y e s of t h e d o u b l e . ' '

She t o l d me t o look a t t h e flame through h a l f closed l i d s , then

t u r n my h e a d t o t h e l e f t and visualize the fire coming from t h a t

direction. I t h e n had t o move my head t o t h e c e n t e r a g a i n a n d l o o k e d

a t the r e a l flameagain and turn my head to the left a g a i n and

. :.. v i s u a l i z e t h e flame. A f t e r r e p e a t i n g t h i s a c t i o n s h e s a i d my e y e s were

f i x e d away f r o m t h e d i r e c t i o n o f e v e r y d a y l i f e sothat t h e t h i n g s of

t h e w o r l d would no l o n g e r h a v e s u c h a s t r o n g p u l l on m e .
 Guests of Life

Nelida stood up and with a few sweeps of her foot, put out the
fire.
"Shouldn't we wait here for don Juan?" I said.
She let out an exuberant laugh. "He'll know where to find us if
he wants ."
We hiked up a step canyon. I was exhausted and was taking in
enormous gulps of air.

1 I don't think I can make it to the top without a rest," I said.

"Don't be such a wimp. Aren't you curious to find out where I am
taking you?"
I need a rest," I insisted.
"What you need is to remember you are a guest of the earth,"
Nelida said as she sat down on a rock. "We can rest on rocks, leaning
against trees, or simply by pressing our fingers against the center of
the palm. But we don't realize we can get energy from little things,
because we think we are here as conquerors of the earth."
I sat on a rock. Immediately, I sensed some of the energy of the
boulder entering my spine through the pressure exerted on my tailbone.
Nelida continued talking. "When we feel that we own people and
things. We are wasteful and arrogant. We are coercive and make
, maltreatment our style of being."
228
 To my surprise, the rock was comfortable and I wanted to ask
Nelida questions so I could prolong this moment of rest.
"I don't think we can extend the notion of ownership to include
people," I said. "This isn't the middle ages where a feudal lord owns
his land and his subjects."
"Don't fool yourself, Taisha. A mother rules her children;
husbands still own their wives; a priest dominates his congregation,
and the media mesmerizes the masses. The world abounds with tyrants,
masters and slaves."
Nelida said it was better to abandon such arrogant or submissive
behavior and adopt the role of a humble guest.
'Why a guest?" I asked shifting on the sofa-rock.
' A guest is free," Nelida said. "Not much is expected of him and
the place he is visiting and the people there are not under his thumb.
He expects nothing, yet is given everything. Sorcerers say, this
makes for a joyous journey.''
I was silent, trying to apply Nelida's counsel to my own state of
being. I had always thought it was a mark of character to be acquisi-
tive, competitive, and whenever possible in control of people.
"Why not simply accept that we own and control nothing," Nelida
said. "We have to use things to help us on our journey, true. But
nothing is ours to keep or control."
"How can you say that?" I said feeling threatened. I had grown up
with the sense of never having had enough of material things or of
being in control of my life. Now this sorceress was saying that it was
deleterious to have material attachments.
 A s i f s e n s i n g my r e v u l s i o n , N e l i d a i n f o r m e d m e t h a t c o n t r a r y t o

how i t a p p e a r e d , s o r c e r e r s d i d n o t c o v e t p o s s e s s i o n s o r t r i e d t o

dominate people.

" I n f a c t , s o r c e r e r s m a i n t a i n , t h a t n o t even t h e c l o t h e s on o u r

backs a r e o u r s , " s h e s a i d w i t h a g l i n t . "How c a n a n y t h i n g b e l o n g t o

u s when w e d o n ' t have t h e power t o h o l d it?"

"The s h o e s I ' m w e a r i n g b e l o n g t o me; I b o u g h t them m y s e l f , " I

s a i d playing t h e d e v i l ' s advocate.

'And I s u p p o s e y o u ' l l k e e p them f o r t h e r e s t of y o u r l i f e , l o n g

a f t e r t h e y have s e r v e d t h e i r p u r p o s e , " N e l i d a s c o f f e d w i t h a d e r i s i v e

laugh.

She had me pegged. I t was i m p o s s i b l e f o r m e t o d i s c a r d a n y t h i n g ,

e v e n t h o u g h i t no l o n g e r f u n c t i o n s o r I h a d any u s e f o r i t .

" I t ' s p o i n t l e s s t o c l i n g , " Nelida s a i d i n a s o f t e r tone. "How

c a n y o u r c l o t h e s b e l o n g t o y o u when n o t e v e n t h e body w e a r i n g them i s

yours?"

I t h o u g h t s h e was c a r r y i n g t h e i d e a o f n o t owning a n y t h i n g t o t h e

extreme. I began t o d e f e n d my p o i n t as i f my l i f e d e p e n d e d on i t . But

s h e merely laughed a t me.

" Y o u ' r e b e t t e r o f f a b a n d o n i n g r i g h t f r o m t h e s t a r t t h e i d e a of

h a v i n g o r owning t h i n g s , " s h e a d v i s e d . " ~ n da d o p t a new mode o f

r e g a r d i n g y o u r s e l f and o t h e r s i n which n o t h i n g i s o u r s , n o t e v e n

ourselves. T h i s way you c u t t h r o u g h t h e sham o f h a v i n g t h i n g s a n d t h e

b u r d e n of h a v i n g t o g u a r d y o u r p o s s e s s i o n s . S t a l k e r s a r e f l u i d and

frugal. They are f r e e f r o m e n c u m b r a n c e s . "

I didn't l i k e what s h e w a s s a y i n g . I had v i s i o n s of h a v i n g t o

d i s p o s e of my t h i n g s i n a g i a n t g a r a g e s a l e . T h e . f r u g a l i t y o f t h e

230
 s o r c e r e r ' s w o r l d was r e p u g n a n t t o me. I was r a i s e d w i t h t h e i d e a of

someday h a v i n g a h o u s e , f u r n i t u r e , a c a r and b e a u t i f u l , stylish

clothes. A s an a d o l e s c e n t I would l o o k a t f a s h i o n m a g a z i n e s , a n d

i m a g i n e t h a t one d a y I would b e a b l e t o a f f o r d t h e c l o t h e s f e a t u r e d i n

them. And I had t o a d m i t t h a t t h e dream of owning my own home w a s

always j u s t over t h e horizon.

" L e t ' s c o n t i n u e w a l k i n g w h i l e we t a l k , " N e l i d a s a i d and s t o o d up.

She p e t t e d t h e r o c k s h e had b e e n s i t t i n g on a s i f i t were a

p u p p y , t h e n s n i f f e d o u t a few t i m e s .

' T h e a d j u s t m e n t t h a t s o r c e r e r s h a v e t o make," s h e s a i d as s h e

w a l k e d , " i s t h a t t h e y c e a s e t o r e g a r d t h e i r body a s t h e i r own. Then

t h e r e is n o t h i n g t h e y c a n l o s e , n o t e v e n l i f e i t s e l f . "

N e l i d a e x p l a i n e d t h a t o n e of t h e f u n d a m e n t a l a i m s of s t a l k i n g i s

! t o c a r e f o r t h e body, n o t as a n o b j e c t o r p o s s e s s i o n , b u t a s a tempo-
~ ~

rary guest. By t r e a t i n g i t i m p e c c a b l y , s h e s a i d , we t u r n i t i n t o a

most e f f i c i e n t v e h i c l e f o r o u r j o u r n e y .

T h i s means you d o n ' t i n d u l g e i n f o o d o r d r i n k , o r a n y t h i n g t h a t

makes you t i r e d , i l l - a t e a s e , o r s i c k . And you are n e v e r needy o r

w a n t i n g b e c a u s e t h e r e i s n o t h i n g t h a t you are l a c k i n g . "

I a r g u e d t h a t what a p e r s o n f e l t was a r e s u l t of t h e i r c i r c u m s -

tances. Some p e o p l e , I i n f o r m e d h e r , a r e b o r n i n t o u n f o r t u n a t e

c i r c u m s t a n c e s , l i k e p o v e r t y , and h a v e t o s t r u g g l e t o r i s e a b o v e i t .

" T h a t may b e t r u e , " s h e a d m i t t e d . "But o n c e a p e r s o n r e c a p i -

t u l a t e s t h e i r l i f e , p o v e r t y c a n no l o n g e r t o u c h them."

I d o n ' t s e e how t h a t c a n b e t r u e , " I s a i d .

' S i m p l y b e c a u s e t h e y are no l o n e r t h e r e t o be t o u c h e d , " s h e s a i d .

 "How c a n a p e r s o n l i v e l i k e t h a t ? " I a r g u e d . " I was t h i r t e e n

y e a r s o l d b e f o r e I had a new d r e s s . And I w a s n ' t happy."

N e l i d a l a u g h e d a t my s e l f - p i t y i n g tone. "You mean you wore t h e

same o l d d r e s s f o r t h i r t e e n y e a r s ? T h a t ' s i n c r e d i b l e . "

"No, of c o u r s e n o t , " I s a i d a n n o y e d . " I mean e v e r y t h i n g I had

worn up t o t h a t t i m e w e r e hand-me-downs f r o m my c o u s i n s . The new d r e s s

was a p r e s e n t f o r my t h i r t e e n t h b i r t h d a y . I s t i l l remember how my

m o t h e r t o o k me t o a d r e s s s h o p t o p i c k o u t any d r e s s I w a n t e d . I

n e a r l y f a i n t e d from t h e t e n s i o n of having t o chose t h e p e r f e c t d r e s s

t h a t I t h o u g h t would h a v e t o l a s t me f o r t h e r e s t of my l i f e . I knew

I would n e v e r g e t a n o t h e r o n e . I t t o o k me h o u r s of t r y i n g t h i n g s o n ,

a n d a g o n i z i n g d e c i s i o n making f o r i t had t o b e t h e p e r f e c t d r e s s . On

t o p of e v e r y t h i n g , I f e a r e d t h a t a t any moment, my m o t h e r would l o s e

h e r p a t i e n c e and g o home w i t h o u t b u y i n g me a n y t h i n g .

"When I f i n a l l y s e l e c t e d a f l o u n c y maroon a n d navy b l u e s u n d r e s s ,

my m o t h e r l o o k e d a t m e p a t h e t i c a l l y and s a i d , ' D o n ' t t e l l m e y o u ' r e

g o i n g t o c h o o s e t h a t o n e ? and I knew I had made t h e wrong c h o i c e . But

I s t u b b o r n l y i n s i s t e d t h a t I wanted t h a t d r e s s and n o o t h e r . When I

g o t home I wept b e c a u s e i t I l o o k e d l i k e a p i l l o w sham."

N e l i d a laughed even h a r d e r and urged m e t o s t o p f e e l i n g s o r r y f o r

myself. She s a i d I had b e e n f o r t u n a t e f o r I c o u l d h a v e made t h a t

dress--even i f it looked l i k e a bedspread--into a power o b j e c t .

" O r you c o u l d h a v e r i p p e d i t t o s h r e d s and t h r o w n i t i n t h e

t r a s h , " she s a i d .

I was s h o c k e d t o h e a r h e r s a y t h a t .

I could n e v e r have done t h a t , " I s a i d . " I t was t h e o n l y new

' t h i n g I owned. B e s i d e s , I had t o wear i t t o my b i r t h d a y p a r t y . "

 "Look a t i t t h i s w a y , " s h e s a i d . "When you want n o t h i n g , t h a t i s

t h e o n l y t i m e you c a n r e a l l y be f r e e t o e n j o y l i f e . You n e v e r know

w h a t ' s g o i n g t o happen n e x t . But s i n c e you a r e no l o n g e r a t t a c h e d t o

a n y t h i n g , i t d o e s n ' t m a t t e r ; you s i m p l y e n j o y t h e r i d e . That's the

sorcerer ' s way. "

I t seemed t o m e i m p o s s i b l e t o a r r i v e a t a s t a t e of s u c h c o m p l e t e

d e t a c h m e n t , and I a d m i r e d N e l i d a immensely f o r h a v i n g a c c o m p l i s h e d i t .

H o w c a n o n e become s o d e t a c h e d ? " I a s k e d . " I s n ' t it only

n a t u r a l t o want t o h a v e t h i n g s ? "

Nelida shook h e r head. " S o r c e r e r s s a y t h a t o u r a t t a c h m e n t s and

d e s i r e s a r e mesmeric commands a n d s o t h e y c a n b e b r o k e n by b e i n g aware

of them and u s i n g o t h e r mesmeric commands. Take y o u r e y e s , f o r

example ."
" I beg y o u r p a r d o n ? "

'Your eyes. Are you a w a r e t h a t you c o n s t a n t l y r u b them?"

I t o l d h e r t h a t my e y e s i t c h e d and t h a t I w a s p r o b a b l y a l l e r g i c

t o some of t h e f l o r a i n t h e v i c i n i t y . But I was n o t a w a r e t h a t I was

r u b b i n g them a l l t h e t i m e .

Y o u r e y e s i t c h b e c a u s e you i r r i t a t e them by r u b b i n g them. Why

n o t s i m p l y l e a v e them a l o n e ? "
I a r g u e d t h a t i f o n e ' s e y e s i t c h e d , i t was a n a u t o m a t i c r e a c t i o n

t o r u b them. N e l i d a shook h e r h e a d ; h e r e y e s g l i s t e n e d i n t h e s u n -

light.

" I s u p p o s e you c o n s i d e r h a v i n g s e n s i t i v e e y e s a n a s s e t , " s h e

remarked. "Hut I a s s u r e you i t ' s n o t . I f you s t o p b e i n g c o n c e r n e d w i t h

t h e m , t h e i t c h i n g w i l l g o away."

"How c a n I d o t h a t ? "
 'By being conscious of your hand and giving yourself the command
not to rub them," she said. "In this way, you will have a moment's
pause to alter the habit. It might take weeks or months of deliberate
effort, but sooner or later the mesmeric command will be broken and
you won't be able to reach for your eyes without being aware of it."
I couldn't see why she was making such a mountain out of a
molehill and was about to reach for my eyes but caught.myself. Nelida
said that most things we did were habits we no longer were aware of so
they controlled us.
Being jealous, envious, reacting a certain way- all engage an
awareness that you have made real and thus they rule your being," she
said.
B u t you are talking about feelings," I said. "How can you help
what you feel?"
"You can change a feeling the same way you can stop excessive
eating or drinking or smoking or anything else you want to change.''
Nelida explained that the secret to success lay in being aware of
the behavior we want to change and then to deliberately altering its
flow by an act of not-doing. When we disrupt'the natural flow of a
feeling or action, we are practicing what sorcerers call, not-doing.
Sorcerers practice not doing in order to change," she said.
"But first you must be aware of the pattern, and for that you need a
deep, thorough recapitulation. If, as in your case, you have learned
to react by feeling sorry for yourself or envying others, then every
time that feeling comes to you, be aware of it. Stalk yourself; map
out your weaknesses. Then you have a choice to continue or to change.
Finally, you can intend anything away before it entraps you."
 I t sounds e a s y , b u t is it r e a l l y p o s s i b l e t o change a l i f e - l o n g

habit?"

"You b e t i t i s , " N e l i d a s a i d . "But i t t a k e s a g r e a t d e a l o f

e n e r g y . R e c a p i t u l a t i n g , h e l p s you a c q u i r e t h a t added e n e r g y needed for

e x t r a o r d i n a r y t e a t s s u c h a s b r e a k i n g p e o p l e ' s mesmeric commands."

I remembered C l a r a s a y i n g t h e same t h i n g .

"The d i f f i c u l t y a r i s e s when w e become o b s e s s i v e a n d we t u r n

everything i n t o another d o i n g , " Nelida s a i d . "You m u s t r e g a r d n o t -

d o i n g a s a game. P e r f o r m i t o f t e n e n o u g h a n d you w i l l see t h a t

f e e l i n g s a n d d e s i r e s a r e o n l y p l a c e s w h e r e we h a v e a c c u m u l a t e e n e r g y .

Remove t h i s e n e r g y a n d y o u r e m o v e t h e d e s i r e i t s e l f . "

N e l i d a s t o o d u p a n d s t r e t c h e d . A t l e a s t I t h o u g h t t h a t was w h a t

s h e was d o i n g .

"Une o t h e r t h i n g , " s h e s a i d , " n o t - d o i n g w i l l n o t work w i t h o u t t h e

s o r c e r e r s ' c l o a k of c o n f i d e n c e . "

T r y as I m i g h t , I c o u l d n ' t remember a n y o n e t a l k i n g a b o u t t h e

c l o a k of c o n f i d e n c e .

T h e s o r c e r y p a s s I j u s t showed y o u , a l l o w y o u r e n e r g y body t o

wrap itself i n t h a t c l o a k , " Nelida s a i d .

S h e s t r e t c h e d h e r arms o u t t o e a c h s i d e a n d t o o k a d e e p b r e a t h .

Then s h e r a i s e d h e r arms t o h e r s h o u l d e r l e v e l a n d b e n t h e r e l b o w s ,

k e e p i n g t h e p a l m s of h e r h a n d s f a c i n g down. She squeezed h e r s h o u l d e r

b l a d e s t o g e t h e r w h i l e h e r arms b a r e l y moved a t a l l . Then e x h a l i n g

s l o w l y a n d e v e n l y , s h e b r o u g h t h e r arms a r o u n d t o t h e f r o n t a n d p l a c e d

h e r p a l m s t o g e t h e r w i t h h e r f i n g e r t i p s p o i n t i n g upward.

"Why d o s o r c e r e r s c a l l t h i s movement, ' t h e c l o a k of c o n f i d e n c e ' ? "

I asked.
: , ' T h i s movement t i g h t e n s t h e b a n d s of e n e r g y across t h e c h e s t . By

p u s h i n g t h e c h e s t outward, and t h e s h o u l d e r b l a d e s backwards, t h e

e n e r g y l i n e s t h a t a r e s a g g i n g become t a u n t a g a i n . That b a r a c r o s s t h e

c h e s t of t h e e n e r g y body s e r v e s a s a s h i e l d . Things bounce o f f i t ,

a n d t h a t g i v e s o n e a s e n s e of c o n f i d e n c e when f a c i n g t h e w o r l d o f

doing .'I

I r e p e a t e d t h i s motion s e v e r a l t i m e s u n t i l I f e l t c o m f o r t a b l e

w i t h i t . With a s u r g e of e n e r g y , I made i t t o t h e t o p of t h e r i d g e ,

s t u m b l i n g o v e r l o o s e r o c k s a s I s c r a m b l e d u p t h e t r a i l . When I g o t t o

t h e top, I l e t o u t an i n v o l u n t a r y g a s p . Hidden i n t h e t a l l b u s h y

t r e e s was a h i g h g r e y w a l l t h a t had p a r t i a l l y c r u m b l e d a w a y , a n d a
s h a t t e r e d archway l e a d i n g i n t o a h a c i e n d a g o n e t o r u i n . I c o u l d see

b r o k e n s t a t u e s and columns on t h e g r o u n d . S t e p s c o v e r e d w i t h weeds l e d

',
) t o a f l a t a r e a t h a t o n c e had b e e n a m a g n i f i c e n t c o u r t y a r d . T h e r e was

e v e n a c h u r c h t h a t was p a r t of t h e compound and many s e c o n d a r y

outbuildings t h a t clustered within t h e walls. I f e l t my h e a r t l e a p

with excitement.

"What on e a r t h i s s u c h a huge h a c i e n d a d o i n g o u t h e r e ? " I g a s p e d .

I t w a s b u i l t h u n d r e d s of y e a r s a g o a n d was moved t o t h i s s p o t by

t h e ancient s o r c e r e r s , " Nelida r e p l i e d . "Your awe comes f r o m t h e

energy t h a t t h e sorcerers l e f t i n t h a t place."

"Wait a m i n u t e , N e l i d a . Did you s a y t h e s o r c e r e r s moved i t t o

t h i s place? How was t h a t p o s s i b l e ? I t would h a v e t a k e n a work c r e w of

t h o u s a n d s of p e o p l e t o d i s m a n t l e t h e o r i g i n a l b u i l d i n g s a n d move them

s t o n e by s t o n e o v e r t h i s r u g g e d t e r r a i n . "

N e l i d a shook h e r head. "They d i d n ' t d i s m a n t l e a n d r e b u i l d i t , "

she said. "The a n c i e n t sorcerer i n t e n d e d i t . They c o u l d c a u s e e n t i r e

236
..
c i t i e s t o move s i m p l y by u s i n g t h e i r i n t e n t . A s i n g l e h a c i e n d a w a s no

g r e a t f e a t f o r them."

N e l i d a s u g g e s t e d w e w a l k a r o u n d t h e o u t e r g r o u n d s t o make o u r

p r e s e n c e known. For t h e p l a c e o o z e d s o r c e r e r s ' i n t e n t a n d w e h a d t o

a n n o u n c e o u r s e l v e s f i r s t , b e f o r e b u r s t i n g i n on i t . A s we w a l k e d s h e

s t r e s s e d t h a t t h e b u i l d i n g s had been d e l i b e r a t e l y s e t o n a n e n e r g e t i c

f i s s u r e i n t h e e a r t h , and s o it exuded power. I t was t h i s p o w e r t h a t

g a v e my body a n a d d e d b o o s t , w h e r e a s b e f o r e i t was d o r m a n t .

"When e n e r g y i s c i r c u l a t e d , f a t i g u e l e a v e s t h e b o d y , " s h e s a i d as

we came t o t h e walls t h a t h a d l o n g a g o c r u m b l e d away.

S u d d e n l y , N e l i d a l e t o u t a s h r i e k t h a t s e t t h e h a i r s o n my arms

standing.

'Do I have t o y e l l too?" I asked w i t h a s h i v e r .

O f c o u r s e . You h a v e t o l e t i n t e n t know you a r e h e r e . Otherwise

i t may s p i t you o u t . Then you w o u l d n ' t b e a b l e t o e s c a p e f a s t e n o u g h ,

s h o u l d t h e power of t h e o l d s o r c e r e r s t u r n s a g a i n s t y o u . "

I took a deep b r e a t h , f a c e d t h e e n t r a n c e and y e l l e d , "intentM$

t h r e e t i m e s as l o u d as I c o u l d . An e c h o , as i f t h e a n c i e n t s o r c e r e r s

were y e l l i n g b a c k , made i t e v e n more e e r i e . When I h a d f i n i s h e d

y e l l i n g , N e l i d a p e e r e d i n t o my e y e s a n d a s k e d m e how I f e l t . I told

h e r t h a t I was f r i g h t e n e d o u t of my p a n t s , b u t i n s p i t e of t h a t , I

f e l t t o t a l l y refreshed.

"Good," s h e s a i d . " T h a t means t h a t t h e a n c i e n t sorcerers' e n e r g y

h a s a b e n e f i c i a l e f f e c t on you a n d w e c a n p r o c e e d . "

What i f I f e l t t i r e d , instead?" I asked.

"We would h a v e t o t u r n b a c k t h e way w e came a n d you w o u l d m i s s

t h e l e s s o n s i n s t o r e f o r you h e r e . Now, s i t a n d l e t s i l e n c e e n v e l o p

y o u , s o we can p r o c e e d t h r o u g h t h e p o r t a l s . "

I h a d h e a r d N e l i d a s a y t h i s b e f o r e , many t i m e s , b u t I s t i l l

d i d n ' t know what ' l e t t i n g s i l e n c e e n v e l o p me' m e a n t on a p r a c t i c a l

level. I a s k e d h e r t o b e more s p e c i f i c . She r e p l i e d t h a t I had j u s t

d o n e i t , t o some e x t e n d , w i t h t h e h e l p of t h e s o r c e r e r ' s c r y . S h e

e l a b o r a t e d t h a t i n o r d e r t o b e s i l e n t , o n e had t o l e t go of t h e s e l f ,

a n d f o r t h a t , one n e e d e d t o g r a b o n t o s o m e t h i n g e l s e , f o r e x a m p l e , t h e

s u n ' s l i g h t , or t h e b r e a t h , or t o i n t e n t i t s e l f v i a t h e power cry'. In

t h i s way e n e r g y i s r e l e a s e and power c a n b e h a r n e s s e d . Nelida ex-

p l a i n e d t h a t u n v e i l i n g a n d a c c u m u l a t i n g power was t h e a n c i e n t s o r c e r -

e r s p r i m a r y aim.

'And how d o e s o n e u n v e i l power?" I a s k e d .

N e l i d a s a t down on a n e a r b y s t e p . She assumed t h e r i g h t c a l f i n

f r o n t of t h e c h e s t p o s i t i o n w i t h ' h e r h a n d s wrapped a r o u n d h e r c a l f ,

w h i l e s i t t i n g on h e r b e n t l e f t l e g . She t o l d m e t o assume t h e same

a n c i e n t s o r c e r e r s not-doing posture.

T h e r e a r e many ways t o e n t i c e p o w e r , " s h e b e g a n , " b u t t h e y a l l

come down t o o n e t h i n g , a n d t h a t i s t o p e r f o r m e v e r y a c t i o n w i t h

a w a r e n e s s . Whether you s i t , w a l k o r e a t o r p r a c t i c e t h e s o r c e r y

p a s s e s , e v e r y b r e a t h you t a k e must b e a b r e a t h f o r power. Then,

g r a d u a l l y , t h e s p i r i t b e g i n s t o d i s c l o s e i t s e l f a n d y o u r e n e r g y body

wakes u p . The y e l l e n a b l e s you t o clear a p a t h t o i n t e n t a s w e l l as

g i v e s y o u r e n e r g y body a j o l t . ' '

I jumped up s a y i n g I was r e a d y t o e x p l o r e t h e r u i n s and t o

e x a m i n e some o f t h e f i g u r i n e s I had s e e n i n t h e c o u r t y a r d . P e r h a p s
 they were precolumbian artifacts I could take back to the archaeologi-
cal museum at the university. But Nelida was adamant.
S i t down. We are not here on a treasure hunt or to do research
for a term paper."
She assured me that such explorations would be meaningless, for
they would not help me in my tasks to unveil and harness power. The
only things that would be of any value to our present purpose, were
silence and detachment.
"Don't get on your high horse and turn this into another doing,"
she warned. "Let power act thought you. Then everything will fall
into place naturally . ' I
I told her that her recommendation was much too vague to be of
any practical value. She leaned closer and whispered that she would

I reveal the only thing that was of any practical value, for it was the
key to freedom.
T h e ancient sorcerers were very practical people," she said. "So
practical, in fact, that they lost themselves in procedures. Modern
sorcerers saw that the road of the ancients lead to ruin. So they
isolated impeccability as their only guide. And why is impeccability
the key to freedom?"
Nelida did not wait for me to offer a reply.
"Impeccability is the other side of the spirit. Like two sides of
a coin or two sides of a hill."
I wanted to ask her what she meant by impeccability but she
stopped me with a wave of her hand. Smoothly she changed her position
to bring her left knee to her chest and sat on her right bent leg. I
 copied her. She turned to gaze at the top of the hill we had just

climbed down.
"The ancient sorcerers could go right though that hillside and
land on the top or on the other side," Nelida said. "They didn't need
to climb to the top first the way we did. They needed only awareness
and intent to control the direction of their flight. But some of us
have less energy, so that all our actions have to be geared toward
being impeccable. Only in this way, can we store enough power to let
go of the personal self and land on the other side of the mountain."
Nelida picked up a stick and drew a curve on the ground that
resembled the slope of a mountainside.
"On this side there is impeccability," she said pointing with her
stick. "Our bodies and our actions and all the things we see and feel
must be tuned with awareness and control. On the other side is pure
,,I
understanding that makes us abandon ourselves. In the middle is a
barrier made up of concern that veils everything. It is the fog that
must be purified in order to see the other side clearly."
Nelida pointed to the middle line of her drawing--the heavy part
that formed the mountainside. She said that in our mesmeric state, we
only see the personal self and direct everything towards its enhance-
ment. Since it is the self that governs our actions, they are super-
ficial, shoddy and full of self. We believe the self is immortal,
consequently we are indolent as if we had all the time in the world at
our disposal. But once we realize there is something beyond the self,
something veiled and mysterious, we begin to turn our attention and
efforts towards unveiling it and exploring its mystery.
 T h e l e s s one emphasizes t h e s e l f , t h e h i g h e r t h e s p i r i t w i l l

s o a r , " Nelida s a i d . "On t h e o t h e r h a n d , t h e more s e l f i m p o r t a n t w e

a r e , t h e more we c l i n g t o e m o t i o n s , judgments a n d i d e a s . Remove t h e

e m p h a s i s o n t h e s e l f and t h e s p i r i t w i l l s o a r . ' '

" I s t h e r e a s p e c i a l c h a n t o r b r e a t h o n e c a n do t o g e t r i d o f t h e

s e l f o n c e and f o r a l l ? " I a s k e d .

W h a t a q u e s t i o n ! Have you f o r g o t t e n a b o u t t h e r e c a p i t u l a t i o n ?

Have you l o s t s i g h t of t h e s o r c e r y p a s s e s ? "

"No, I o n l y m e a n t t h a t was t h e r e a s h o r t e r , q u i c k e r way. Recapi-

t u l a t i o n t a k e s so l o n g . " Â

T h e r e a r e no s h o r t c u t s t o p o w e r , " N e l i d a s a i d . "Yet a n y t h i n g i s

h e l p f u l when done w i t h t h e p r o p e r a t t i t u d e . "

"What would t h e p r o p e r a t t i t u d e b e ? "

When one i s s i n c e r e a n d t r u t h f u l t o o n e ' s p u r p o s e ; when o n e d o e s

n o t a c t f o r p e r s o n a l g a i n ; when o n e i s abandoned a n d d o e s n ' t c a r e a

h o o t a b o u t what h a p p e n s t o h e r s e l f , t h e n t h e m o u n t a i n of s e l f r e f l e c -

t i o n becomes s o t r a n s p a r e n t t h a t t h e s p i r i t c a n b e s e e n . "

N e l i d a s t r e s s e d t h a t t o l i b e r a t e t h e energy body, and t o t a p t h e

s p i r i t was t h e g o a l of modern s o r c e r e r s .

Why i s t h a t t h e i r g o a l ? "

B e c a u s e o n l y f r e e d o m c a n b r i n g j o y and ease i n t o o u r l i v e s , " s h e

said. "Only p u r e , humble a c t s c a n a t t r a c t power t h a t i s n e e d t o c u t

t h r o u g h t h e a p e s ' j u d g m e n t s and d o i n g s . "

N e l i d a added t h a t j u s t a s p e o p l e d o n ' t know how t o l i v e w i t h o u t

t h e s e l f , t h e a n c i e n t s o r c e r e r s d i d n ' t know how t o l i v e w i t h o u t power.

"Modern s o r c e r e r s h a v e a d i f f e r e n t o r i e n t a t i o n , " s h e s a i d .

"How a r e t h e y bound?"
 "They are not interested in controlling people; modern sorcerers
are bound to the spirit."
For a while we were immersed in total silence. I let the place
fill me with its vibrant charge. Then I became aware of the sound of
birds. Perhaps they had been there all along only I hadn't noticed
them before.
I t is difficult to let go," Nelida continued. "Because we fear
we will have nothing to tall back on. But that's only because we
haven't yet realized that the personal self is illusory."
H o w does one finally let go then?" I asked.
Letting go is a matter of abandon. When one does it, it is all
at once. For some, it may take years of deliberation; for others, it
only takes a sudden realization. But when one finally abandoned
, .
oneself to power, it brings w i t h i t a fluidity that makes the actions
of the self seem dull and cumbersome in comparison."
Nelida stressed that letting go of the self was a stalker's art.
One had no qualms in dropping one's person, for one finds it a burden
too heavy to carry.
w"

W h y is the self a burden?" I asked. "Doesn't it help us in our

life?"
"It ought to, but in most cases it is a source of fear and
discontentment. If you really listen to your internal monologue, you
realize that it is nothing but a long list of complaints or self
assertion. A stalker takes an inventory of his internal talk, examines
it and then discards it. I recommend you do the same. For the
internal monologue links you to the feelings that belong to your
, ,
parents and to their parents for generations back. And unless you
.. ...
;
..
242
 d i v e s t y o u r s e l f of them, t h e y w i l l e x t e n d t h e m s e l v e s i n t o t h e f u t u r e

e n s n a r i n g you t o r t h e r e s t o t y o u r l i f e .

The sound of b i r d s s t o p p e d . Even t h e wind had s t o p p e d b l o w i n g .

somewhere i n t h e d i s t a n c e I h e a r d a r u s t l i n g i n t h e u n d e r b r u s h ;

p e r h a p s a r a b b i t o r l i z a r d s c u r r y i n g away. Then I h e a r d t h e s o u n d s of

c r i c k e t s a n d r e a l i z e d t h a t t h e y t o o were u n d e r t h e s p e l l of a m e s m e r i c

command.

" S o r c e r e r s , i n o r d e r t o b e f r e e , b r e a k a w a y f r o m t h e human

h e r i t a g e o r what we c a l l t h e human c o n d i t i o n , " N e l i d a c o n t i n u e d .

' T h r o u g h d i s c i p l i n e , t h e y remove t h e m s e l v e s from t h e c h a i n o f a p e l i k e

e x i s t e n c e , w i t h no f u t u r e o r p a s t t o b i n d them. Buddhist c a l l t h i s ,

' l i b e r a t i n g o n e s e l f f r o m t h e w h e e l of l i f e ' . S o r c e r e r s c a l l it p u k i n g

o u t one's ape-like existence."

1 A f e e l i n g of m i s e r y s w e p t o v e r m e . I knew I was l o s t . The p r o c e s s

o f r e c a p i t u l a t i n g was n e v e r - e n d i n g . E v e r y t h i n g I d i d o r f e l t o r hoped

f o r was f u e l f o r t h e r e c a p i t u l a t i o n . U n l e s s I s t o p p e d a c t i n g a l t o g e -

t h e r , I was c r e a t i n g more entang1ements:Theoretically I could

a p p r e c i a t e t h e need f o r ' n o t d o i n r f ' , b u t i n a c t u a l p r a c t i c e , I s t i l l

w a n t e d t o be i n c o n t r o l , t o b e l i k e d a n d r e s p e c t e d by o t h e r s , t o be i n

c h a r g e of my l i f e . The t h o u g h t o f n o t g e t t i n g t h e s e t h i n g s , f i l l e d m e

with f r u s t r a t i o n .

"Whether w e a g r e e w i t h t h e s o r c e r y t e a c h i n g s o r n o t , " N e l i d a

c o n t i n u e d s e n s i n g my mood, " s e l f r e f l e c t i o n m u s t be s t o p p e d o r else w e

w i l l s p e n d o u r e n t i r e e x i s t e n c e t r y i n g t o f u l f i l l t h e e x p e c t a t i o n s of
l
o u r p a r e n t s and p e e r s . W h a t ' s w o r s e , w e become t h e p e t t y t y r a n t s w e

s t r u g g l e t o overthrow. Only by l e a v i n g home, f a m i l y , p a s t and f u t u r e

can w e t r u l y be f r e e . "
 I asked Nelida what she meant by leaving home. I had left home,
yet I wasn't free.
"That's because you still carry your parents' feelings with you,"
she said. "You are ambitious like your father, you are looking for
love like your mother; you want instant success with no effort. You
are in deadly competition with your bothers and that puts you at odds
with everything and everyone around you. Therefore, human concerns are
as near to you as they can be.
"Leaving home is not merely saying goodbye to family and friends
or putting distance between you. It involves relinquishing your place
in the emotional food chain--that line that is made up of ancestors
and decedents. You must give up your human heritage and its rewards
and security, and take your self out of the quagmire of human affairs.
Only when you are so detached that you are no loner bound by a
personal self, can you truthfully say that you are no longer your
parent's child.
SA" long as one is hooked to the self, one is hooked to others,"
she stressed. "Only when one has nothing, expects nothing and needs
nothing, is one truly without a self.'!
"But I did the recapitulation and I'm still hooked to others," I
said whining.
Nellda stood up and gave me a surprised look if she doubted what
I was saying.
"You are hooked to the sorcerer's intent. All you need to do is
to acquiesce to it. You have evolved through accumulating power into
something else. And that is why we are here on this place of the
ancient sorcerers: to prove to your reason that you are no longer your
parent's child."
"How will we do that?"
B y examining the background as well as the foreground."
I gave Nelida a blank stare. Without another word, she got up and
asked me to follow her inside the courtyard. We passed a series of
tiny rooms, with doors no more than four feet in height.
'The ancient sorcerers must have been midgets," I mumbled.
"Hecapitulation chambers," Nelida said. "But w e a r e not here to
recapitulate but to practice gazing and through gazing move our
assemblage point to the place of the ancient sorcerers."
She told me to sit, make myself comfortable leaning against a
wall. In front of me were a series of pillars, seven to be exact,
arranged in a cluster. They seemed to have been, at one time, the
supports of a low roof or very high altar. I gazed at them for a long
time looking not with my eyes, but with a feeling that emanated from
my womb the way Emilito had taught me. At one point, I succeedin
pushing the pillars away from me using my gaze. Then, suddenly, it was
not the pillars that were being pushed away but I was being hurled up
and backwards a great distance.
I found myself on top of a hill looking down at the pillars. They
were at the end of a long tunnel, tiny and in sharp focus as if. I were
looking through the wrong end of binoculars. Then each of the pillars
grew taller, as high as the sky. It was as if a giant grid with
cracks in it had formed in front of my eyes. The world, a s it normally
is perceived, had split into segments with each segment separated by a
black column. I was looking at the sky and at the same time behind the
 sky i n t o i n f i n i t y . Then t h e p i l l a r s s h r u n k u n t i l I was a g a i n l o o k i n g

a t them h e a d o n . N e l i d a nudged my s i d e . I r e a l i z e d I had f a l l e n o v e r

and had p e r h a p s p a s s e d o u t .

'What h a p p e n e d , " I e x c l a i m e d s i t t i n g up. " I had a c o m p l e t e

d i s t o r t i o n of p e r c e p t i o n . Those p i l l a r s were enormous and I was

l o o k i n g a t them from t h e t o p of a h i l l , "

T h a t was n o t a p e r c e p t u a l d i s t o r t i o n , " N e l i d a c l a r i f i e d when I

t o l d h e r what I saw. " S i n c e you e n t e r e d t h e s o r c e r e r ' s w o r l d , y o u r

a c t s a r e performed i n a d i f f e r e n t c o n t e x t , only y o u r r e a s o n r e f u s e s t o

accept t h i s . I f you o n l y s e e what y o u r r e a s o n t e l l s y o u , y o u r , a c t s

t e n d t o be s h a l l o w , h a p h a z a r d . I n o r d e r t o see t h e d e e p c o n t e x t , you

h a v e t o removed y o u r s e l f f r o m you i m m e d i a t e s u r r o u n d i n g s a n d t h a t i s

e x a c t l y w h a t you d i d . "
, . T e l l me a g a i n what I d i d . "
, .. . ,{
Y o u expanded y o u r v i s i o n . The s o r c e r e r ' s p l a c e of power a l l o w e d

you t o d o t h i s . O t h e r w i s e , y o u would n e v e r know what you a r e a n d where

you a r e a t any g i v e n moment. Not t o see where you come f r o m i s

disastrous ."
I a s k e d h e r t o e x p l a i n more i n d e t a i l what h a p p e n e d s o I c o u l d

b e t t e r u n d e r s t a n d what s h e w a s d r i v i n g a t .

"You were on t h e c l i f f l o o k i n g down on t h e r u i n s and s u d d e n l y you

f o u n d y o u r s e l f s i t t i n g on t h i s r o c k l o o k i n g a t t h e p i l l a r s . You m i g h t

t h i n k t h a t , you o n l y d r e a m t t h a t you were s i t t i n g on t h e h i l l t o p a n d

t h a t t h e p i l l a r s were y o u r d r e a m . T h a t i s b e c a u s e you r e g a r d e d t h e

r u i n s you saw e a r l i e r f r o m t h e g r o u n d a s r e a l .

" O n . t h e o t h e r h a n d , y o u m i g h t remember h a v i n g h i k e d down t h e

m o u n t a i n s i d e , b u t i f you d o n ' t r e c a l l s i t t i n g down on t h i s r o c k you

246
m i g h t t h i n k you a r e d r e a m i n g t h i s now. The v i e w f r o m t h e h i l l t o p and

t h e r u i n s you s e e new b e l o n g e d t o two d i f f e r e n t p e a l s o f r e a l i t y .

T h e way t h e r u i n s a p p e a r ; t h e i r v e r y e x i s t e n c e d e p e n d e d on t h e

p o s i t i o n of y o u r a s s e m b l a g e p o i n t . Today you s u c c e e d e d i moving i t

s l i g h t l y , s o you s a w from two d i f f e r e n t p e r s p e c t i v e . "

What N e l i d a was s a y i n g was t h a t what we p e r c e i v e h i n g e s on o u r

c a p a c i t y and i n t e n s i t y f o r awareness. A s o u r assemblage p o i n t s h i f t s ,

s o d o e s o u r p e r c e p t i o n of t h e w o r l d a r o u n d u s . N e l i d a went on t o s a y

t h a t i t was b e c a u s e we c a n h o l d o u r a s s e m b l a g e p o i n t s t e a d y t h a t we

c a n a g r e e and t a l k a b o u t t h e t h i n g s we s e e .
Â

B u t t h e w o r l d i s n o t j u s t what we c a n a g r e e u p o n , " s h e s t r e s s e d .

" S o r c e r e r s s a y t h e r e - a r e many l e v e l s of r e a l i t y a n d waking up o u r

e n e r g y body allows u s t o p e r c e i v e w i t h a k e e n e r a w a r e n e s s s o t h a t

n o t h i n g i s t h e same. You e x p e r i e n c e d t h i s f o r y o u r s e l f . "

N e l i d a had o f t e n t o l d m e t h a t t h e world is a l i v e a n d i n c o n s t a n t

f l u x , b u t I a l w a y s seemed t o l a p s e i n t o my h a b i t u a l view o f i t . S h e

s a i d t h i s was b e c a u s e p a t t e r n s become f i x e d and s t o r e d i n a v a s t

s t o r e h o u s e of memory t o be c a l l e d upon a g a i n a n d a g a i n . T h i s r e s u l t s

i n t h e s e n s a t i o n t h a t t h e w o r l d we p e r c e i v e i s c o n c r e t e a n d p r e d i c t -

able.

"We human b e i n g s a r e e x t r e m e l y l i m i t e d i n o u r r e p e r t o i r e of

f e e l i n g s and a c t i o n s . You s h o u l d know t h i s f r o m t h e r e c a p i t u l a t i o n . We

a r e l i k e d r u n k a r d s t h a t head s t r a i g h t f o r t h e b o t t l e w i t h o u t e v e r

q u e s t i o n i n g why w e d r i n k o r e v e n t h e d e s i r a b i l i t y o f d r i n k i n g . "

She s t a t e d t h a t a s e t of p a t t e r n s i s p r e s e n t t o u s f r o m i n f a n c y

a n d i s r e i n f o r c e d by mesmeric commands t h a t make u s r e p e a t them o v e r

and o v e r .

247
 "We become limited because we no longer look at the larger
picture. We simply allow our bodies to follows the lines of least
resistance, and that is, whatever is familiar and know to us. To be
aware would mean to allow our energy body to act for us regardless of
what we may have learned to consider as easy or reasonable. To allow
awareness to guide us, would be comparable to the alcoholic refusing
the bottle even though his whole being has learned to crave liquor."
Vtill nis craving ever stop?"
''Yes, by emptying our storehouse through the recapitulation, we
break the hold that concreteness has on us," she said. "There is a
Â

quicker path. The energy body can wake up suddenly and see that the
self is not important. A person who liberates himself from the

confines of self reflection will perceive in totally different way."

1 I had to agree. By waking up my energy body, my entire perspec-

tive had been altered. Yet the prospect of permanent change seemed
staggering yet ultimately worthwhile. To clear my head I gazed at the
rocks.
"Do I really have to leave the familiar world behind and enter
some strange reality," I asked at last.
"You only need to relinquish your idea of the world. But that is
everything. For it is our ideas that fix us and make us concrete. And
why you might ask do we have to forsake our ideas to be free? Because
ideas are limiting whereas energy is limitless. In order to be one
with sheer energy, we must first remove the obstacle of the self, for
it is the fog that covers the real and immediate with the false and
interpreted ."
 I began to squeeze my shoulder blades together to acquire
confidence. As I scanned the pillars, I experienced another percep-
tual distortion: they to be swaying in the wind. when I remarked on
it, Nelida said that there were always distortions. Life was energy
moving unfettered, yet we imprison and contain it by eliminating
possibilities that do not fit our reasonable expectations.
'One who sees that reality is simply a point of view, acts for no
reason and expects no rewards," Nelida said.
"Wouldn't such a person be terribly lonely?" I asked.
S u c h a person isn't lonely because he or she has aligned himself
Â

with that force that moves us and makes us complete."

"How Will I know if I'm acting from the spirit or for myself?" I
asked giving my shoulder blades a sharp squeeze.
Nelida gave me a dispassionate look. "As you continue to act
impeccably, you accumulate personal power so that ultimately the
spirit and your being become one. Then all your acts are the reflec-
tion of the spirit's intent."
 L a Catalina

We walked toward a c l u s t e r of adobe houses. C a r l o s had parked

t h e c a r about a q u a r t e r of a m i l e up t h e road s o t h a t i t would n o t be
seen from t h e houses. Ã

" I ' l l show you where t o w a i t but I d o n ' t want t o go i n s i d e o r t o

cross t h e c u r e r ' s p a t h , " he s a i d with a f u r t i v e glance.
"Why d o n ' t you want t h e c u r e r t o s e e you?" I asked s u s p i c i o u s l y .
"Because t h a t c u r e r i s a w i t c h . I've had some run-ins with her
in the p a s t . So i t ' s b e s t t h a t s h e does n o t a s s o c i a t e you w i t h me o r
w i t h don Juan."
I was growing more and more apprehensive. "What should I t e l l h e r
i f s h e a s k s me why I am h e r e ? "
" J u s t say t h a t y o u ' r e a s t u d e n t of a n t h r o p o l o g y and t h a t s h e came
h i g h l y recommended by some p e o p l e i n Vicam s t a t i o n . And you're here

because you want h e r t o look a t t h e f l e a b i t e s on your l e g s . "

By the looks of the p l a c e , whoever l i v e d t h e r e , seemed t o be
highly successful. The house was l a r g e r t h a n the other Yaqui houses.

in the a r e a , and t h e grounds around i t looked c l e a n and w e l l k e p t .

There were even a few ornamental potted plants by t h e door a d d i n g a
d e c o r a t i v e touch. An e l d e r l y c o u p l e were s e a t e d on a bench u n d e r t h e

ramada. Two p o r t l y Mexican l a d i e s were s t a n d i n g in t h e courtyard,

w a i t i n g f o r t h e i r t u r n t o s e e t h e c u r e r . S e a t e d on a n o t h e r bench was a
2SU
woman w i t h a c h i l d , and n e x t t o her sat a woman n u r s i n g an i n f a n t

completely covered by a shawl. Towards the side o t t h e house was a

s m a l l c o r r a l where a donkey was k e p t . As I t u r n e d , I caught a glimpse

of a man d i s a p p e a r i n g behind t h e c o r r a l a s i t he d i d n o t want t o be

seen.

"Dona C a t a l i n a i s t h e b e s t c u r e r in Sonora," Carlos s a i d a s we

s a t down on a v a c a n t bench some d i s t a n c e from t h e house. "Mexicans a s

w e l l a s I n d i a n s come t o s e e h e r . Don Juan s a y s t h a t she has more power

than a i l t h e c u r e r s i n t h i s a r e a put together."

Ã

I noticed a touch of p r i d e and a l s o t e a r i n h i s v o i c e a s h e s a i d

this.

"Do you know h e r w e l l ? " I asked.

"Not a t a l l . I met h e r once a t a g a t h e r i n g of some o t don J u a n ' s

colleagues. Although, on s e v e r a l o c c a s i o n s , I have a c t u a l l y s e e n h e r

work. She can remove a p a t i e n t ' s o r g a n , douse it i n a l c o h o l , and p u t

i t back i n t o h i s body w i t h o u t making an i n c i s i o n o r drawing blood."

t,
Come now," I s a i d i n c r e d u l o u s l y . " T h a t ' s i m p o s s i b l e . She must be

u s i n g some s o r t o t t r i c k e r y . "

I had heard o t t h e " p s y c h i c s u r g e r y " used by some p r a c t i t i o n e r s .

I t ' s purpose is similar t o western s u r g e r y , e x c e p t t h a t no blood i s

drawn and t h e p a t i e n t i s conscious during the procedure. But u n l i k e

w e s t e r n s u r g e r y , immediately a f t e r w a r d s t h e p a t i e n t s i s a b l e t o g e t up

and l e a v e t h e premises w i t h n o s c a r o r ill e f f e c t s .

"I b e t i t s a q u e s t i o n o t taith healing, where the p a t i e n t is

highly suggestible," I offered

The a n t h r o p o l o g i c a l l i t e r a t u r e a l s o abounds w i t h s t u d i e s of f a i t h

h e a l e r s who through t h e laying on ot hands cause the patient t o

251
e x p e r i e n c e a c a t h a r s i s of s o r t s d u r i n g which t i m e h e a l i n g t a k e s p l a c e .

I had s e e n a d e m o n s t r a t i o n of such h e a l i n g on t e l e v i s i o n . People j u s t

dropped t h e i r c r u t c h e s and began t o walk a g a i n , o r m i r a c u l o u s l y t h e y

could h e a r o r s e e . I had n e v e r given much credence t o t h i s s o r t of

c u r i n g and had always c o n s i d e r e d i t t o t a l l i n t o t h e c a t e g o r y of what

anthropologists called "healing by hysterical conversion." The

e t f e c t s in such c a s e s were u s u a l l y temporary and t r e a t e d t h e symptoms

r a t h e r than t h e i l l n e s s i t s e l f which often returned when t h e p e r s o n

came t o h i s s e n s e s and t h e t o r c e o t p u b l i c s u p p o r t was removed.

"She's n o t a f a i t h h e a l e r , " Carlos s a i d decisively.

"Then how does dona Catalina practice her a r t ? Does s h e u s e

s l e i g h t of hand?"

According to anthropological accounts, the only way such a

s u r g e r y could p o s s i b l y be produced, s i n c e it d e f i e s r e a s o n and t h e

laws o t s c i e n c e , i s through t h e use o t some s o r t of c h i c a n e r y . The

usual explanation offered is that the onlookers are put i n t o a

h y p n o t i c t r a n c e through t h e u s e o t r e p e t i t i v e sounds, such a s c h a n t i n g

or drumming. Then the curer goes to work producing s p e c t a c u l a r

e f f e c t s , much a s a magician performs t r i c k s t h a t amaze an a u d i e n c e who

o n l y s e e what t h e magician a l l o w s them t o s e e .

"No. She doesn't use sleight ot hand," Carlos said. "Some

c h a r l a t a n s probably do r e l y on t r i c k s such a s h a v i n g a s p a r e o r g a n up

t h e i r sleeve, but C a t a l i n a does something e l s e , much more s p e c t a c u -

lar. "

"What i s t h a t ? " I asked l a u g h i n g a t t h e image o f someone h a v i n g a

dripping goat's h e a r t o r l i v e r hidden under t h e i r poncho and produc-

i n g i t a t j u s t t h e r i g h t moment t o amaze t h e o n - l o o k e r s .

252
 " C a t a l i n a c u r e s by changing t h e r e a l i t y around h e r , and anyone
who i s witnessing t h e o p e r a t i o n , i n c l u d i n g t h e p a t i e n t h i m s e l f , par-
t i c i p a t e s in t h i s altered r e a l i t y . "
' I don' t u n d e r s t a n d , " I s a i d , moving away from a coughing p a t i e n t

who had come t o s t a n d by t h e bench where we were s i t t i n g .

I f we d e p a r t from t h e premise, as the s o r c e r e r s do, t h a t t h e
r e a l world i s a l s o a dream world and that it can be p e r c e p t u a l l y

altered it one has enough power, then the c u r e r , who i s a l s o a

s o r c e r e s s , can change t h e reality immersing them, by altering the
Ã

consensus of the people involved. Then a l l t h o s e who a r e p r e s e n t

a c t u a l l y w i t n e s s a world with new perceptual parameters; they a r e

forced t o acknowledge what t h e y s e e w i t h a new i n t e r s u b j e c t i v e a g r e e -
' ment t o r e p l a c e t h e o l d one."

" I s n ' t t h i s a form of mass h y p n o s i s ? " I s a i d .

"Not r e a l l y , " C a r l o s r e p l i e d . "Unless you c a l l being a l i v e o r
what we are experiencing now a form of hypnosis. What C a t a l i n a does
i s t o a l t e r t h e awareness o r h e r p a t i e n t s and t h e awareness of whoever

i s witnessing her curing, and o t course her own awareness which is

s u b j e c t t o t h e dreaming and stalking abilities of s o r c e r e r s . Then

whatever happens t o r them i s a s r e a l a s t h e world we a r e e x p e r i e n c i n g

now s i t t i n g h e r e on t h i s bench."
"You mean s h e u s e s tier dream body d u r i n g h e r c u r i n g sessions?" I

asked .
"That i s what happens. She h a s l e a r n e d t o u t i l i z e p a r t s ot h e r

dreaming r e a l i t y and is a b l e to project it onto p e o p l e ' s everyday

r e a l i t y so p o w e r f u l l y and completely t h a t profound d i s r u p t i o n s t a k e

p l a c e . Then s h e u s e s h e r s t a l k i n g techniques t o f i l l in the breaks,
253
 and makes l i f e recognizable t o t h e on-lookers, although i t s f e a t u r e s

a r e markedly d i f f e r e n t from t h e everyday r e a l i t y , but j u s t a s r e a l . "

"How i s i t d i f f e r e n t from everyday r e a l i t y ? "

"Well, s h e can remove an organ w i t h o u t drawing blood,. Within

o u r c o n s e n s u a l r e a l i t y t h a t i s i m p o s s i b l e t o do."

' I s e e what you mean," I s a i d w i t h a shudder.

I wondered how h e a l e r s l i k e C a t a l i n a a c q u i r e d such e x t r a o r d i n a r y

powers t o be a b l e t o change t h e world around them and cause everyone

w i t h i n t h e i r t i e l d o t energy t o e x p e r i e n c e t h e i n c o n c e i v a b l e . Waiting
Â¥

t o r my t u r n , I grew more uneasy, wondering what s h e would do t o me

once I got i n t o h e r t i e l d o t energy. C a r l o s had a s s u r e d me t h a t h e r

powers were genuine and t h a t no t r i c k e r y was involved and h e r fame

I a t t e s t e d t o her s k i l l s as a curer.
We had t o w a i t t o r o v e r two hours u n t i l a l l t h e people b e f o r e us

had been s e e n . I n a l l t h a t t i m e I had g o t t e n one glimpse of t h e c u r e r ,

Although t h e man l u r k i n g behind t h e c o r r a l came o u t and s t o o d t h e r e

f o r a w h i l e watching us from a d i s t a n c e . When i t was our t u r n , C a r l o s

t o l d me t o go i n and t h a t he would w a i t f o r me i n t h e c a r . He reminded

me n o t t o mention t h a t I was a s s o c i a t e d w i t h don Juan o r himself. B u t

t o be a t t e n t i v e and s e e i f I could d e t e c t a n y t h i n g s t r a n g e a b o u t t h e

curer. He emphasized t h a t I should be s i l e n t and aware s o I could

c a t c h a s much a s I could of dona C a t a l i n a ' s s t a l k i n g t e c h n i q u e s .

I entered t h e house w i t h t r e p i d a t i o n . A young Yaqui g i r l g r e e t e d

me w i t h a s t e r n look. She seemed v e r y c a p a b l e and was even dressed as

a nurse i n a n e a t w h i t e uniform w i t h w h i t e s a n d a l s . S h e asked me what

:! my problem was. I immediately showed h e r t h e b i t e s on my l e g s which

f o r t u n a t e l y were s t i l l r e d and v i r u l e n t . She nodded and t o o k a w h i t e

254
i n d e x c a r d from a m e t a l f i l e box and wrote down my name a l o n g w i t h t h e

d a t e and t h e r e a s o n I was t h e r e .

When t h e c u r e r was ready t o s e e me, h e r young a s s i s t a n t l e d me

i n t o t h e i n n e r room behind a d a r k wooden door. The g i r l handed h e r my

c a r d and quietly l e f t t h e room. Immediately I sensed I was i n t h e

p r e s e n c e o t a most remarkable woman. Dona C a t a l i n a was t a l l , perhaps

i n h e r mid f o r t i e s , and had on an open w h i t e smock over a b l o u s e and a

straight skirt. tier j e t black h a i r was p u l l e d back by a headband and

was held in place in a high bun. She had no w r i n k l e s and had a

Ã

b e a u t i f u l l y s c u l p t u r e d f a c e . But what were most striking were h e r

e y e s ; t h e y seemed t o burn w i t h an energy coming from every i n c h of h e r

v i b r a n t body. I had n o t seen eyes l i k e t h a t except on don J u a n and h i s

associates. T h i s woman was handsome and had a m y s t e r i o u s i n n e r power.

I d e t e c t e d a c o n f i d e n c e and a commanding manner t h a t a t t h e same time

p u t me a t e a s e , y e t p l a c e me somewhat a t h e r mercy.

I thought that the f i r s t p r e r e q u i s i t e of a s u c c e s s f u l h e a l i n g

situation--that of f a i t h i n t h e curer's ability--was easily met i n

t h i s case. What's more, Dona C a t a l i n a seemed t o have a k i n d n e s s and

concern t h a t immediately p u t me a t e a s e d e s p i t e t h e f a c t t h a t s h e was

a total stranger. I t r i e d t o t a l k t o h e r i n Spanish a s b e s t I could.

She smiled a t my e f f o r t s and s a i d i n f a i r l y good e n g l i s h , "I want you

t o l i e down on t h e bed w i t h your head up."

I lay down on a narrow c o t d r a p e d w i t h a c l e a n w h i t e s h e e t and a

s m a l l p i l l o w . Following h e r i n s t r u c t i o n s , I k e p t my head u p , o f f the

pillow, which is what I thought s h e had s a i d . I t was an awkward

p o s i t i o n and I c o u l d n ' t understand why I couldn't p u t my head down.

But s h e had s p e c i t i c a l l y s a i d t o l i e w i t h my head u p , s o I s t r a i n e d my

211)
neck t o keep my head o f f t h e c o t . P e r h a p s , i t was p a r t o t t h e curing

procedure.

Dona C a t a l i n a g e n t l y p u l l e d up my p a n t l e g s and examined t h e b i t e s

on my l e g s . They were n o t a s r e a d o r s w o l l e n a s b e f o r e , but t h e y s t i l l

i t c h e d and were v i r u l e n t . A few s c a b s had a l r e a d y formed where I had

been u n a b l e t o r e s t r a i n myself from scratching. I craned my neck t o

s e e what Dona C a t a l i n a was doing; s h e was w i p i n g my l e g s w i t h some

pungent l i q u i d .

By now my neck was g e t t i n g t i r e d and I could h a r d l y keep it off

Ã

the pillow. Dona G a t a l i n a g e n t l y opened t h e f r o n t c l o s u r e of my l e v i s

and e a s e d up my s h i r t t o expose my stomach. Then she put some l o t i o n

on h e r hands and began massaging my abdomen i n a circular fashion,

f i r s t in a clockwise d i r e c t i o n , then i n a counterclockwise d i r e c t i o n .

As s h e moved h e r hands, I f e l t h e r f i n g e r s doing s t r a n g e t h i n g s : i t

f e l t l i k e t i n y r o d e n t s f e e t moving all over my abdomen c a u s i n g an

itching sensation, a s i f h e r s h e were s e a r c h i n g f o r something through

h e r s e n s e of touch.

A t a given moment, I r e a l i z e d t h a t what dona C a t a l i n a had meant

was t o r me t o l i e on t h e c o t , ' f a c e u p ' , and s h e had n o t meant f o r me

t o keep my head up a t a i l . I r e l a x e d my neck muscles and laughed t o

myselt as my head gratefully hit t h e pillow. I had been l i t e r a l

minded a g a i n , a s u s u a l , l i k e t h e t i m e i n an i c e s k a t i n g c l a s s when t h e

i n s t r u c t o r had t o l d everyone t o s k a t e t o t h e music and I headed r i g h t

toward t h e sound s p e a k e r s .

I could h a r d l y keep from g i g g l i n g t o myselt. I t must have been

strange t o r Dona C a t a l i n a t o s e e a g r i n g a n o t wanting t o l e t h e r head

touch t h e p i l l o w . I knew she must have thought I was afraid ot

2>6
 catching lice or that her pillow wasn't clean enough. I had an

u n c o n t r o l l a b l e u r g e t o g i g g l e a t my own s t u p i d i t y and t r i e d my b e s t t o
s u p p r e s s my m i r t h a s dona C a t a l i n a k e p t e x p l o r i n g my stomach.
"Am I t i c k l i n g you?" s h e asked n o t i c i n g my s u p p r e s s e d s m i l e s .

"No, I ' m t i n e , " I s a i d , t r y i n g t o c o n t r o l my g i d d i n e s s .

I watched Dona C a t a l i n a ' s e x p r e s s i o n a s s h e worked. I t was calm

and s e r i o u s . She was t o t a l l y engrossed, s e a r c h i n g w i t h h e r f i n g e r s t o r

c l u e s of what was happening under t h e skin. When s h e was f i n i s h e d

w i t h t h e examination of my midsection, she gestured that I could
Ã

a d j u s t my c l o t h i n g a g a i n .

"You have worms," s h e concluded. "I'm going t o g i v e you some

medicine. Other t h a n t h a t y o u ' r e p e r f e c t l y h e a l t h y . "
I was shocked t o h e a r t h a t I had i n t e s t i n a l worms. I mentally

r a n though a list o t things I had eaten since coming t o Mexico. I

concluded t h a t t h e c a u s e was probably t h e donkey meat I had e a t e n i n

S a n t a Ana.
"How do I g e t r i d of them?" I asked t u c k i n g i n my blouse.
"Stay away from men," s h e s a i d m a t t e r of f a c t l y .
"I beg your pardon?" I couldn't s e e what men had t o do w i t h

intestinal parasites.
'You s t i l l have many worms i n s i d e y o u , " she r e p e a t e d .

Then I remembered what C l a r a had s a i d about e n e r g e t i c worms. She

had t o l d me t h a t during the sex a c t , men l e a v e e n e r g e t i c f i l a m e n t s
i n s i d e a woman's body which t o a s e e k l o o k l i k e thousands of luminous

worms. They remain inside the body of a woman f o r seven years,

. . f e e d i n g o f f h e r energy and making h e r grow weaker as the recipient

males grow stronger. Each renewed c o n t a c t between a man and a woman,
ZSJ
s t r e n g t h e n s t h e t i e s , and makes t h e e n e r g e t i c worms even more a c t i v e .

Perhaps t h e itching I had t e l t i n my abdomen were t h e worms b e i n g

pushed around by dona C a t a l i n a ' s probing t i n g e r s .

"What can I do t o get r i d ot them?" I asked alarmed. "Besides

s t a y i n g away from men?"
For y e a r s I had been l e a d i n g a c e l i b a t e l i f e , s o a s n o t t o renew

t h e c o n n e c t i o n o r v i g o r o t any 'worms' c o n t r a c t e d through p a s t encoun-

ters.
"Stay away trom men," she repeated. "Then i n t i m e , t h e worms

w i l l d i e o u t by themselves."

I nodded. I wondered how she know about the luminous worms?

Whether i t was common knowledge among s o r c e r e r s . O r p e r h a p s , i t was a

s u b t l e t r a p so t h a t I would r e v e a l my connection w i t h C l a r a o r don

Juan. I decided t o p l a y t h e d e v i l ' s advocate.

,,How can you be s u r e I even have worms?" I asked.

'I felt them w i t h my hands ," she r e p l i e d . "There a r e more on

your L e t t s i d e t h a n on your r i g h t . These w i l l be h a r d e r t o g e t r i d o f .
You a r e s t i l l a t t a c h e d t o them and c a l l them your own."
I couldn't t h i n k why t h a t would be so. I had done a thorough

recapitulation o t a l l sexual e n c o u n t e r s and f e l t very detached from

them. I watched dona Catalina till a s m a l l p l a s t i c b o t t l e w i t h some

p i n k l i q u i d t h a t looked l i k e p e p t o bismol. She t i g h t l y s e a l e d t h e cap

and p l a c e d t h e b o t t l e on t h e t a b l e .
"You a r e t o t a k e a t e a s p o o n f u l t h r e e times a d a y , " s h e i n s t r u c t -
ed. "Wash down t h e r e with water boiled with rosemary, e a t more and

worry ' l e s s ."

"What makes you s a y I worry?" I asked s h e e p i s h l y .
238
 She looked me s t r a i g h t i n t h e eyes.

' I can t e l l from t h e c o n d i t i o n of your s p l e e n , " she r e p l i e d . "I

w a s n ' t j u s t massaging your stomach, I was examining each of your

i n t e r n a l organs; your l i v e r , s p l e e n and kidneys. I can t e l l what you

a r e f e e l i n g i n them. I f t h e y a r e happy o r s a d , calm o r a g i t a t e d . "

"You mean t o s a y t h a t i n t e r n a l organs have emotions?" I a s k e d .

She gave me t h e e e r i e s t s m i l e , and nodded. " I f you don't treat

them w e l l , t h e y w o n ' t g i v e you a moment's p e a c e , " s h e s a i d and handed

me t h e p i n k medicine.
Ã

I asked h e r how much h e r t e e was. She shrugged and s a i d t h a t the

plastic bottle and medicine c o s t twenty pesos but t h a t I c o u l d pay

whatever I wanted t o h e r a s s i s t a n t on my way o u t . I thanked h e r and

was about t o l e a v e when s h e stopped me.

"You know Juan Matus, d o n ' t you?" s h e s a i d w i t h a c e r t a i n t y t h a t

l e f t no room t o r doubt. "Did he send you h e r e ? "

Kemembering C a r l o s ' command n o t t o mention t h a t I was a s s o c i a t e d

w i t h them, I d i d n ' t know what t o s a y , s o I j u s t s t a r e d a t h e r dumbly.

' D i d he b r i n g you?" s h e demanded a g a i n w i t h an i c y s t a r e .

I was t o t a l l y on t h e d e f e n s i v e . "No, he d i d n ' t , " I s a i d .

She looked a t me s u r p r i s e d , a s i f s h e d i d n ' t b e l i e v e me.

" R e a l l y , I d i d n ' t come w i t h anyone by t h a t name," I i n s i s t e d .

She l o s t h e r p l e a s a n t manner.

"I came w i t h a f r i e n d . He's w a i t i n g t o r me i n t h e c a r . "

She gave me a p e n e t r a t i n g g l a r e t h a t would f r e e z e a l i z a r d , then

looked me up and down. "You're not like the r e s t , " she s a i d . "You

certainly didn't come h e r e t o be cured. You have u l t e r i o r motives.

Did you come h e r e t o spy on me o r t o s t e a l my power?"

'2.W
 "Ot c o u r s e n o t , " I s a i d shocked. "I a s s u r e you, I had t h e b e s t

intentions."
' I don't b e l i e v e you. You came t o s t e a l my c u r i n g s e c r e t s d i d n ' t

you?"
A l l o t a sudden I became t e r r i f i e d . I broke o u t i n a c o l d sweat.
I wanted t o leave but s h e jumped i n f r o n t of t h e door b l o c k i n g t h e
e x i t . I c o u l d n ' t understand what had gotten into dona Cataiina. A

moment ago s h e was a ministering angel. Her g e n t l e n e s s and c o n f i -

d e n c e , I knew now, were s t a l k e r s t e c h n i q u e s designed t o put me o f f

guard. Now i t was an i n s t a n t r e v e r s a l ; s h e was an enemy, a dangerous

a d v e r s a r y , a black s o r c e r e s s of t h e most malignant kind.
"I d o n ' t know what y o u m e a n , " I said. "I have to l e a v e now.
, ,
f i e a s e s t e p a s i d e . " And t o match h e r c o n f i d e n c e , I added, a l t h o u g h n o t
q u i t e a s e n e r g e t i c a l l y a s I would have l i k e d , " I ' m warning you, I know
martial arts."
A t t h a t s h e looked a t m e and laughed. I took a few backward s t e p s

t o p l a c e more d i s t a n c e between u s . I did know m a r t i a l a r t s but what

good would t h a t do i n t h e f a c e of t h i s f o r m i d a b l e opponent who was n o t

o n l y b i g g e r t h a n I was but much m o r e p o w e r f u l . Every i n c h of C a t a i i n a

was b u r s t i n g w i t h an a g g r e s s i v e y e t focused energy. While, I , on t h e

o t h e r hand, was cowering until. I h i t t h e cot and could move back no

further.
Catalina j u s t laughed a t me f l a s h i n g h e r s t r o n g w h i t e t e e t h . Her
l a u g h t e r seem t o be a challenge, an a n i m a l i s t i c g r i n of a g g r e s s i o n ,
about which t h e r e was n o t h i n g f r i e n d l y o r humorous.

' I f you d o n ' t move away from t h a t door, I ' l l y e l l f o r h e l p , " I

warned. "My f r i e n d i s by t h e c a r . H e ' l l come r u n n i n g . "

26U
 A c t u a l l y , t h a t was o n l y p a r t i a l l y t r u e . What I had neglected t o

add was t h a t Carlos had parked t h e c a r a q u a r t e r of a m i l e away, and

we had walked t o h e r house. I f he was by the car, he w o u l d n ' t have

heard me even i f I had y e l l e d a t t h e t o p of my l u n g s .

"And my friend i s w a i t i n g by the c o r r a l across the courtyard,"
s h e s a i d w i t h a smirk. " H e ' l l come running even i t I don't yell. I t

you d o n ' t b e l i e v e me, j u s t look o u t t h e window."

I looked o u t t h e window and saw t h e same man who had been l u r k i n g

by t h e c o r r a l , s t a n d i n g i n t h e courtyard. A t this d i s t a n c e I could

*
t e l l t h e r e was something t a m i l i a r about him. Then I remembered where I
had seen him. I t was w h i l e c r o s s i n g t h e border a t Nogales. I t was t h e

I n d i a n who had caused me t o f a i n t and had t a k e n t h a t o p p o r t u n i t y t o

i pocket my gold pen. I f e l t fear grip my c o r e a s he gave me a most

imperceptible nod of recognition, as if he, t o o , remembered t h e
i n c i d e n t . I knew t h e r e was no e s c a p i n g 'from t h i s duo of s o r c e r e r s .
"Who i s t h a t man?" I demanded t o know.
,,He's my p r o t e c t o r , " C a t a l i n a said with a smile, "so d o n ' t t r y
any funny b u s i n e s s . "

With a s i n g l e movement of h e r hand s h e p u l l e d a t h e r headband,

and h e r h a i r came tumbling down around h e r s h o u l d e r . She was a b s o l u t -
ely wild, h e r eyes burning w i t h fury. I was s o f r i g h t e n e d t h a t my
knees were s h a k i n g and I n e a r l y s a t down on t h e c o t . Un an impulse I
decided t o e s c a p e through t h e window. I jumped o n t o t h e c o t and pushed
t h e casement window open. But I had o n l y g o t t e n my head and torso out
when I t e l t something l i k e h o t i r o n s h a c k l e s clamp down on my a n k l e s .
I screamed and saw t h e w i t c h tugging a t my f e e t . I kicked s o h a r d

that she had to let go and jump backwards. But s h e had me i n a

disadvantageous p o s i t i o n . I was p a n t i n g , w i t h c o l d tury. It o n l y I
had my crystals so I could p o i n t them a t h e r , was t h e t h o u g h t t h a t
came t o mind. But t h e y were i n a drawer i n my desk i n Los Angeles. A

l o t of good t h e y d i d me t h e r e , when I r e a l l y f e l t I needed t o u s e them

here.
No m a t t e r . I reached into my pocket and pretended t o pull

something o u t . I h e l d my hands i n t h e proper p o s i t i o n f o r c r y s t a l d a r t

t h r o w i n g , with my arms extended and my index f i n g e r s p o i n t i n g s t r a i g h t

out a t her.
"Watch o u t , I have c r y s t a l s , " I y e l l e d .

As I f i x e d h e r w i t h my g a z e , an unknown s u r g e of s t r e n g t h f i l l e d
me. No l o n g e r were my knees woboling, they became s t r o n g , and my l e g s
f e l t longer and l o n g e r , a s it charged w i t h an energy r i s i n g from t h e
earth. My back cracked and s t r a i g h t e n e d o u t , a s energy s h o t ' up from
t h e ground through my neck and o u t t h e top of my head. I seemed t o be

very t a l i , my head was p r a c t i c a l l y touching t h e c e i l i n g , and I was

l o o k i n g down a t her, s t i l l pointing my f i n g e r s , w i t h t h e imaginary

c r y s t a l i n my hands.
Somehow t h a t d i d t h e t r i c k . C a t a l i n a s t e p p e d o u t o t t h e r a n g e of

my aim and gave me a f r i g h t e n e d 'took. The n e x t moment s h e was h e r

c o n f i d e n t s e l f a g a i n , but I was r a v i n g mad.

"Juan d i d send you d i d n ' t h e ? " s h e s a i d . "You're h i s a l l y . "

$0
You're c r a z y , " I s a i d lowering my hands, " A l l i e s a r e n ' t human."
I t r i e d t o c o n t r o l my b r e a t h i n g and a s I did I shrunk in size
until I was n o longer s t r e t c h e d o u t . I moved t o t h e door on r u b b e r y

l e g s , j u s t a s i t opened and Carlos stepped in. I felt so relieved

that I h a d n ' t time t o consider what had happened. This f e e l i n g of
2b2
 being s t r e t c h e d o u t , was f a m i l i a r . I had t e l t it before although I

d i d n ' t know where o r when.

"That w i t c h wouldn't l e t me l e a v e , " I mumbled t o C a r l o s . "So I
n e a r l y zapped h e r w i t h my c r y s t a l s . "

I d i d n ' t know what I was s a y i n g . fly hands were l i k e i c e . M y t e e t h

were c h a t t e r i n g ; I was f r e e z i n g c o l d .

Carlos
*
took one look at Catalina, grabbed me by t h e arm and

p u l l e d me o u t of t h e house. I could h e a r t h e woman's e e r i e laughter

t o i l o w i n g u s a i l t h e way t o t h e c a r .
"That woman i s insane," I gasped. "She wouldn' t l e t me l e a v e .

She kept on i n s i s t i n g t h a t don Juan s e n t me t o s t e a l her power. I

d o n ' t know what come o v e r me. I think I hallucinated out of sheer

,)
anger o r f r i g h t . I was s o angry I n e a r l y when through t h e r o o f . And I

d o n ' t mean t h a t f i g u r a t i v e l y . "

" C a t a l i n a i s t h e n o r t h wind," Carlos s a i d . "And v e r y dangerous."
'1'hen why d i d you b r i n g me t o h e r ? " I demanded. "She seemed s o
f r i e n d l y and competent a t f i r s t . "
"Because s h e has power," he r e p l i e d . "I t h o u g h t you might s e e how

a r e a l s t a l k e r operates. You saw h e r i n a c t i o n . "

"I c e r t a i n l y did. But w a s n ' t t h a t dangerous?" I asked. "She knew

I d i d n ' t come t h e r e just tor my f l e a bitten legs. Although s h e d i d
g i v e me some l o t i o n which I L e t t i n t h e house."

'As l o n g as she d i d n ' t suspect you were w i t h me, I though you

would be s a f e . But I s e e I was wrong. She saw t h r o u g h you r i g h t way."
"Not r i g h t away," I c o r r e c t e d him. "Only l a t e r , a s I was a b o u t t o
\ leave. "
 When we got in the car, C a r l o s asked me t o r e c o u n t e v e r y t h i n g

t h a t happened from t h e moment I e n t e r e d t h e house, which I d i d t o the

b e s t of my r e c o l l e c t i o n .
"It all started out so amicably. I had t o keep from l a u g h i n g

because I t h o u g h t s h e had wanted me t o keep my head up throughout t h e

session tor some m y s t e r i o u s reason. So I h e l d t h i s awkward p o s i t i o n

f o r a s long a s my neck could s t a n d i t . Then when I r e a l i z e d my e r r o r ,

I couldn't help giggling."

"That must have been what threw h e r o t f t h e t r a c k , " C a r l o s s a i d .

Y o u laughing. And keeping your stomach t e n s e . She couldn't really.

see inside
- you u n t i l you r e l a x e d your body. Then s h e could -
s e e you
w e r e n ' t t h e same a s everyone e l s e . "
"What do you mean?"
' C a t a l i n a being a s e e r could -
s e e t h a t your energy d o e s n ' t flow
t h e same way a s h e r o t h e r p a t i e n t s . "
"What do you mean it doesn't flow t h e same way? How i s it

ditf,erent?"
' I t i s n ' t q u i t e t h e human p a t t e r n of e n e r g e t i c movement," C a r l o s

s a i d . " T h a t ' s what gave h e r t h e i d e a t h a t you were don J u a n ' s a l l y . "

"She c e r t a i n l y did get suspicious. She k e p t a s k i n g me i f don

Juan had s e n t me, and I k e p t i n s i s t i n g t h a t h e d i d n ' t . Then s h e r e a l l y

g o t angry and accused me of coming t o s t e a l h e r power, which c e r t a i n l y

w a s n ' t t h e case."

C a r l o s l i s t e n e d t o t h e r e s t of my a c c o u n t in silence especially
when I t o l d him about t h e s t r a n g e man i n t h e back of h e r house. My

t e e t h were s t i l l c h a t t e r i n g ; j u s t t h e t h o u g h t of t h a t woman and h e r

p r o t e c t o r made me s h i v e r . North wind o r n o t , s h e c e r t a i n l y c o u l d make
 someone f r e e z e t o t h e c o r e . Carlos s a i d I shouldn't t a l k about her

anymore, because t h e more we t a l k e d about h e r , t h e e a s i e r i t was f o r

h e r t o t r a c k u s through o u r t h o u g h t s .

"You mean s h e ' s going t o f o l l o w u s ? "

" S h e ' s a powerful w i t c h . She can f o l l o w us to the ends of t h e

e a r t h it s h e has t h e mind t o . But I t h i n k s h e j u s t wants us o u t o t

t h i s a r e a . We'd b e t t e r j u s t g e t our t h i n g s and leave."

"You mean s h e ' s running us o u t of town? What would happen i f we

d i d n ' t go?"

"She could make life v e r y uncomfortable t o r u s , e s p e c i a l l y a t

n i g h t . I w o u l d n ' t want t o i n c u r h e r wrath more t h a t we a l r e a d y have."

' B u t I d i d n ' t mean any harm," I s a i d . "I d i d n ' t even know what I
was supposed t o look f o r . "

"Her s t a l k i n g t e c h n i q u e s , " Carlos reminded me.

L i k e what?"

"Didn't you notice her appearance? Was she o l d o r young?

Confident o r a t e a s e ? "

' S h e was v e r y b e a u t i t u l and c o n f i d e n t and a t e a s e . I liked her.

I d o n ' t know why s h e r e a c t e d a s s h e did. Are you s u r e we s h o u l d n ' t go

back and t a l k t o h e r ? S t r a i g h t e n t h i n g s o u t ? "

"Believe me, i t ' s b e t t e r n o t t o antagonize her further. There's

no end t o h e r power. You saw how young she made h e r s e l f look."

"What do you mean, 'made h e r s e l f l o o k , ' How o l d i s s h e ? "

"She's t h e Nagual J u l i a n ' s cohort. That makes h e r v e r y , very

o l d *"

I "That would make h e r o v e r a hundred," I gasped. "But she d i d n ' t

l o o k a day o v e r f o r t y 1 ' '
 " E x a c t l y . W e ' l l l e a v e h e r e r i g h t away."

"Do you t h i n k s h e ' l l l e t u s go?"

"Your d i s p l a y of t h e double caught h e r o f f guard. I saw t h e t a i l

end of i t . You must have p u t t h e f e a r of t h e d e v i l i n her."

"What d i s p l a y . A l l I a n t e d t o do was t o g e t o u t of t h e r e . "

,,Something came t o your r e s c u e . And i t w a s n ' t m e . "

"Where w i l l we go?" I asked.

"We have two c h o i c e s , " C a r l o s s a i d . "We can e i t h e r go n o r t h t o

Los A n g e l e s , o r we can go s o u t h t o G u a d a l a j a r a . "

J u s t then a crow a l i g h t e d from a t r e e branch and f l e w toward t h e

h i l l s i n t h e d i s t a n c e . I opened my compass and checked the direction;

i t was r l y i n g due s o u t h .

'fly feeling is we still have u n f i n i s h e d b u s i n e s s i n Mexico,"

C a r l o s s a i d a s t h e c a r picked up speed.
 THE MARKETPLACE

We d r o v e long i n t o the night w i t h o u t s t o p p i n g . I was a f r a i d t o

c l o s e my eyes even f o r an i n s t a n t t o r f e a r of seeing t h e f a c e of t h e
witch, Catalina. Even w i t h my eyes open, I could n o t g e t h e r v i s a g e
o u t of my mind. She had worked herself into my thoughts and had

gotten a foothold t h e r e , a s i f s h e had l e f t h e r energy i n s i d e me, o r

had removed something ot mine t h a t was v i t a l f o r my w e l l being. I was

j
c e r t a i n she was doing w i t c h c r a f t on t h e l e v e l of t h e i n v i s i b l e , and
a i l my e f f o r t s went t o f i g h t i n g an exhausting battle of the w i l l .
C a r l o s was r i g h t , she was p e r u s i n g u s , and I had a gnawing a n x i e t y
t h a t i f I t e l l a s l e e p , something t e r r i b l e would happen.
For an i n s t a n t my eyes drooped and in my drowsy s t a t e , the
smudges of dirt and light reflected on t h e w i n d s h i e l d became t h e
awesome f a c e of C a t a l i n a w i t h l a r g e t e e t h and glowing eyes. The t r e e s
o u t s i d e were her black h a i r f l o w i n g l i k e a banshee. I shook my head

t o d i s p e l h e r image, y e t I c o u l d n ' t h e l p being obsessed w i t h what had

happened.
Now her face was burned i n t o my memory f o r e v e r , l i k e a flame
a f t e r s t a r i n g a t i t t o o long. I telt like a moth f l y i n g e r r a t i c a l l y
around a l i g h t bulb; unable t o break t h e tixation I had w i t h t h a t

woman and h e r power. Also, I c o u l d n ' t h e l p worrying a b o u t t h e luminous

worms t h a t s h e had s a i d were d r a i n i n g my energy. I thought I had

2.67
 g o t t e n r i d o t a l l of them d u r i n g t h e recapitulation I had done under

C l a r a ' s guidance. But seven y e a r s had n o t e l a p s e s , and a c c o r d i n g t o

the sorcerers, that was the duration tor luminous worms e x i s t i n g

i n s i d e a woman's womb.

All I could think ot was that Catalina had "awakened" t h e

luminous worms i n my stomach by massaging i t . I t h o u g h t of the g i r l

i n the s t o r e who wanted t o go t h e United S t a t e s w i t h C a r l o s . I f e l t a

pang of j e a l o u s y and h a t e d myself for feeling t h a t way. The w i t c h ,

Catalina had me pegged. In spite of my denying i t , I was s t i l l

a t t a c h e d t o men, and being loved and accepted was prominent, d e s p i t e

anything I s a i d o r did t o t h e contrary.

I tried t o t h i n k of o t h e r t h i n g s , but t h e d a r k n e s s around u s was

) t o o e n g u l f i n g . I t seemed to be darker than a normal n i g h t . That

worried me. I glanced over at C a r l o s but he was a s w o r r i e d and

preoccupied a s I was. F o r d i s t r a c t i o n , I asked him t o describe the

k i n s h i p system of t h e Yaqui I n d i a n s , and whether t h e y had t h e mother-

i n law " j o k i n g r e l a t i o n s h i p " p a t t e r n , predominant in so many o t h e r

cultures.

"Is t h e r e mother-in-law avoidance among t h e Yaqui?" I asked.

C a r l o s looked a t me a s i f I were a cockroach.

"I mean according to Malinowsky, based on his work i n t h e

Trobriand I s l a n d s , t h e r e i s usually an avoidance structure s e t up

between t h e husband and t h e w i t e ' s mother. O r i s between t h e m o t h e r ' s

b r o t h e r and t h e s i s t e r ' s d a u g h t e r ? That would be an i n c e s t t a b o o s i n c e

it would make him h e r u n c l e . "

"It's better just to keep q u i e t , r a t h e r t h a n t o t a l k n o n s e n s e , "

C a r l o s s a i d t u r n i n g h i s eyes back t o t h e road.

268
 I felt a jolt. I knew he was angry with me because of t h e

luminous worm. I felt like a traitor, g u i l t y of s t i l l being e n e r -

g e t i c a l l y a t t a c h e d t o men t h a t by now I d i d n ' t g i v e a f i g about. I had

one foot in the world of s o r c e r y , t h e o t h e r , gangrenous o n e , was

emersed i n t h e world of human a f f a i r s . Upon more s o u l searching, I

r e a l i z e d I was s t i l l concerned w i t h f i n d i n g l o v e , t h i n k i n g of who w i l l

t a k e c a r e of me i n times of.need, and what w i l l happen t o me if I

didn't succeed in the s o r c e r e r ' s world. I was i n v e s t i n g , e x p e c t i n g

rewards f o r my e f f o r t s . And when no rewards were f o r t h c o m i n g , I tended

t o g i v e up and r e v e r t back t o my f a m i l i a r p a t t e r n of behavior.

As we drove in the dark, memories came back t o h a u n t me. I

c o u l d n ' t b e l i e v e t h e y s t i l l had such a powerful emotional valence. I

was c e r t a i n C a t a l i n a had s i r e d up a can of worms d u r i n g her t r e a t m e n t ,

and because of i t , I could remember e v e r y d e t a i l of t h i n g s t h a t had

taken p l a c e y e a r s ago.

I was f o u r t e e n , banging on t h e church doors a t two o ' c l o c k i n t h e

morning wanting d e s p e r a t e l y t o . have a p r i e s t hear my c o n f e s s i o n . I

c o u l d n ' t t a k e i t any l o n g e r . I was a f r a i d I would d i e i n t h e n i g h t and

be condemned t o e t e r n a l h e l l f o r doing t h e t h i n g s t h e t r a g i c c o u p l e i n

F a t h e r ~ ' f i r i e n ' s sunday sermon had done. That sunday a t mass he had

t o l d u s what had happened t o two t e e n a g e r s i n h i s p r e v i o u s p a r i s h who

had gone on a d r i v e up t h e mountains t o do ' s h a m e f u l ' things. While

t h e y were engrossed i n p e t t i n g and k i s s i n g , and o t h e r t h i n g s which he

l e f t d e l i b e r a t e l y vague, t h e handbreak had worked i t s e l f l o o s e and t h e

car' r o l l e d down t h e mountain s i d e , k i l l i n g t h e young p e o p l e i n s t a n t l y .

When t h e i r bodies were t o u n d , t o t h e shock o t t h e i r p a r e n t s , t h e y were

i n v a r i o u s s t a t e s of disrobement. F a t h e r O'Brien had s a i d that their

d e a t h had come s o suddenly t h a t t h e y d i d n ' t even have t i m e t o make an

a c t o t contrition. And now t h e i r s o u l s a r e i n p e r p e t u a l agony.

The doors of t h e church had been locked and no one came t o hear

my c o n f e s s i o n . I got t i r e d of pounding and became s o enraged t h a t I

swore t h a t I would n e v e r e x p e c t a n y t h i n g from t h e church a g a i n . God

had c l o s e d h i s h e a r t t o me i n my hour of need and I would do t h e same

t o him f o r e v e r . I gave t h e t h i c k wooden door a sound k i c k , s p a t on t h e

ground, and because I was s o a g i t a t e d and needed t o r e l i e v e m y s e l f , I

s q u a t t e d down and u r i n a t e d r i g h t t h e r e on t h e church s t e p s . I never

went to confession again, and t o my m o t h e r ' s profound d i s t r e s s , I

decided t o s l e e p l a t e every Sunday and s k i p mass a l t o g e t h e r .

When I had recounted t h i s e v e n t t o C l a r a , s h e had s a i d t h a t I was

lucky t h a t no p r i e s t had been t h e r e t o open t h e church door. For t o

c o n f e s s and throw o n e s e l f on t h e mercy of a p r i e s t o r God, h i m s e l f , i n

a moment of weakness was t h e w o r s t t h i n g anyone could do. She s a i d

t h a t c o n t r a r y t o what I might have thought a t t h e t i m e , power had n o t

d e s e r t e d me a f t e r a i l , because by u r i n a t i n g on t h e church s t e p s I had

broken my t i e s w i t h the church forever. She had assured me t h a t

u r i n a t i n g is one of t h e best ways s o r c e r e r s have of s e v e r i n g t h e i r

connections with things.

"I t o o had an awful time d i s a s s o c i a t i n g myself from t h e Church,"

s h e had revealed. "I used t o look forward t o sunday mass s o I could

meet w i t h f r i e n d s . Then I would go t o t h e i r houses and e a t and g o s s i p

a l l afternoon. That was t h e only enjoyment I had i n my l i f e , s o I

c l u n g t o i t l i k e t h e r e ' s no tomorrow."

"How d i d you break t h a t h a b i t ? " I asked.

 "My t e a c h e r , t h e Nagual J u l i a n , had me c o l l e c t a l l my piss for
days i n jars. Then l a t e one night, I had t o go t o t h e church of my
home town and when no one was around I had t o t i l l a l l t h e holy water
b a s i n s w i t h u r i n e and a l s o t h e b a p t i s m a l f o u n t . Then I had t o go up t o

t h e a l t a r and f i l l t h e calices and add some piss to t h e incense

dispenser. Imagine t h e n e x t morning--for he had me go on a Saturday--

the surprise ot the p r i e s t and p a r i s h i o n e r s when t h e y b l e s s e d them-

s e l v e s w i t h my p i s s . I d i d n ' t s e e t h e humor of it a t t h e t i m e , because

I was f r i g h t e n e d t o d e a t h and f e l t guilty f o r years afterward over
committing holy s a c r i l e g e . But t h e nagual Julian, said that that is

e x a c t l y what we do, we t r y t o bless o u r s e l v e s and become h o l y u s i n g

someone e l s e ' s p i s s a s it' it were s a c r e d . Years l a t e r I saw t h e i r o n y

J of i t and t h e touch of g e n i u s i n t h e n a g u a l ' s s t a l k e r ' s p l a n . You, on

t h e o t h e r hand, had followed no p l a n ; you simply went t h e r e t o r e l i e v e
y o u r s e l f and t h e s p i r i t took care of the rest, without you even
knowing it."

As we drove i n an uneasy s i l e n c e , I breathed i n t h e memories and

s o f t l y exhaled them. S e v e r a l hours l a t e r we arrived a t t h e c i t y of
Los Ploches. We stopped a t a modem all-night diner t o eat. I was

ravenous. My l e g s were i t c h i n g t e r r i b l y o u t of g u i l t , t e n s i o n and l a c k

o t sleep. I almost wished I had n o t l e f t C a t a l i n a ' s potion in her

house. Yet I had been t o l d n e v e r t o a c c e p t food o r d r i n k from anyone,
and c e r t a i n l y n o t medicine. Who could s a y what t h a t l o t i o n c o n t a i n e d
o r might have done t o me a f t e r l a C a t a l i n a ' s w r a t h f u l o u t b u r s t .
We o r d e r e d bacon and eggs i n the well lit coffee shop. Carlos

seemed t i r e d but I was r e l i e v e d t o see t h a t h e , t o o , was ravenous.

Somehow, we s t i l l had our a p p e t i t e s , so things could n o t have been
271
totally out of control. During the meal I k e p t r e a c h i n g down t o

s c r a t c h my l e g s because my l e v i s rubbed a g a i n s t t h e b i t e s , making them

i t c h a l l t h e more.

'I know a pharmacy in this town," C a r l o s s a i d , n o t i c i n g my

discomtort. "When t h e y open i n t h e morning, w e ' l l go t h e r e . There i s

a l s o a c u r e r who works i n t h e h e r b market..."

I couldn't b e l i e v e my e a r s . "Not a n o t h e r c u r e r , " I s a i d adamant-

l y . "I simply r e f u s e t o go."

"No, t h i s i s d i f f e r e n t , " C a r l o s a s s u r e d me. "He's an h e r b a l i s t .

He has s t u d i e d pharmacology and m e d i c i n a l p l a n t s . H e ' s v e r y knowledg-

a b l e . B e s i d e s , i t ' s a good i d e a to cancel out the powerful e f f e c t

C a t a l i n a had on you."

This was the tirst time s i n c e l e a v i n g Sonora t h a t C a r l o s had

mention t h e s o r c e r e s s ' name. I t h o u g h t t h a t perhaps we had p u t enough

d i s t a n c e between us t o n e u t r a l i z e t h e p u l l of h e r power.

" A l r i g h t , i f you t h i n k i t ' s a good i d e a , " I s a i d , rubbing my c a l f

a g a i n s t t h e t a b l e l e g . "How d i d l a C a t a l i n a g e t t o be s o powerful?" I

asked.

"livery morning b e f o r e dawn s h e walks t i v e m i l e s t o a h i l l t o p and

s t a n d s t h e r e naked t o absorb t h e energy o t the earth and w i n d , " h e

replied.

"How do you know t h a t ? " I asked. "Have you s e e n h e r naked?"

Carlos laughed uneasily. "No. Don Juan t o l d me. She i s l i k e a

cousin t o h i s l i n e . Although, a s I s a i d , s h e r e a l l y belongs with the

Nagual J u l i a n ' s p a r t y . "

"Why d i d n ' t s h e go w i t h them when t h e y l e f t t h e world?"

 "She w a s n ' t ready. She s t i l l wanted t o do t h i n g s i n t h e w o r l d , I

suppose. "

We checked i n t o a m o t e l and I s p e n t the r e s t ot the night i n a

t i t t u l s l e e p . I t e l t t h a t t h e r e were a hoard of people i n t h e room. I f

I opened my eyes q u i c k l y , I could s e e some of them s t a n d i n g n e x t t o my

bed, f o r t h e y c o u l d n ' t v a n i s h f a s t enough. And I could c e r t a i n l y h e a r

them w h i s p e r i n g . Don Juan was t h e r e , and two o t h e r men; a l l t h r e e of

them were wearing s u i t s . I sensed t h e i r p r e s e n c e and t h e i r bulk but I

could n o t make o u t t h e i r f a c e d , a l t h o u g h I thought one of them was t h e

man C a t a l i n a h a d c a l l e d h e r ' p r o t e c t o r ' .

At one point in my sleep, I was c u r l e d up on my l e f t s i d e ,

s h i v e r i n g l i k e a dog from t h e c o l d . One of t h e men was poking me w i t h

1 a walking s t i c k t o s e e it I would awake. I f e l t and could s e e and h e a r

what t h e y were d o i n g , but I could n o t move. I decided t o f e i g n sleep

so I could eavesdrop on what t h e y were s a y i n g , f o r I knew t h e y were

whispering about me.

" S h e ' s s t i l l s t u c k on what happened i n h i g h s c h o o l , " don J u a n s a i d

annoyed.

"She can' t s t o p i n d u l g i n g , " a n o t h e r one s a i d .

" I d i o t , " t h e man t h a t was poking me s a i d , " T h a t ' s what a C a t h o l i c

u p b r i n g i n g w i l l do. T h e r e i s no end t o her self-pity. I t wasn't as

though s h e gave h e r s e l f t o F a t h e r O'Brien."

"In her mind she did,!' someone s a i d i n a p a t h e t i c t o n e t h a t made

everyone l a u g h .
I must have made some s o r t of movement, because someone a s k e d ,
st
I Do you suppose s h e can h e a r u s ? "
 "I w o u l d n ' t put it passed T a i s h a , " don Juan r e p l i e d . "She's

p r e t t y sneaky. L e t ' s t a l k t o h e r ; maybe we can pour some sense i n t o

her. "

Then t h e y s t a r t e d t a l k i n g t o me and t e l l i n g me t h i n g s ; what t o do

t o s t r a i g h t e n o u t my l i t e ; how important i t was t o l e t go o t the past

and n o t c l i n g t o memories; and t h i n g s about t h e r e c a p i t u l a t i o n , which

t h e y s a i d was a n e v e r ending process. I sensed their s t r e n g t h and

f a i r n e s s and I felt safe in t h e i r presence. Don Juan was s o i n d i f -

f e r e n t and non judgmental t h a t I was r e l i e v e d . I knew t h a t i f someone

s o noble d i d n ' t g i v e a hoot a b o u t what I was o r d i d , t h a t it c o u l d n ' t

be t h a t bad. They must be r i g h t , I was o n l y i n d u l g i n g .
They t o l d me many t h i n g s , about myself and about C a r l o s and of
, , things t o come, but I knew I would n o t be a b l e t o remember even a
1
f r a c t i o n of what t h e y had s a i d . And then someone d i d something t h a t I
would remember always. He began t o s i n g a song. I t was a song a b o u t

s a y i n g goodby and l e a v i n g memories behind, even t h e happy ones t h a t

made our h e a r t s laugh. The song was s o s t r a n g e , because i t r e c o u n t e d

s p e c i f i c moments I had l i v e d . I t was a s it t h a t s o n g was t a i l o r made

t o r my l i f e and t h e words d e s c r i b e d what I was f e e l i n g i n t h e d e e p e s t
p a r t o t me.
O t c o u r s e , I began t o c r y , n o t because i t was a sad song, but
because it was a b o u t me. I t was a song of making p e a c e w i t h o n e ' s
h e a r t and w i t h l o s t youth. I t was a song of l i b e r a t i o n , b e a u t i f u l and
strong tor it captured t h e essence of t h e moment. I t summed up t h e
temporariness o t lite. Listening t o it, I f e l t purged and a deep

sense ot g r a t i t u d e and l o v e weld up f o r t h o s e who were h e l p i n g me f o r

no reason a t a i l . That s i m p l e tune had reached p l a c e s no words could

have touched.

The n e x t morning I remembered what had happened i n t h e room t h e

n i g h t b e f o r e . I wanted t o w r i t e down e v e r y t h i n g s o t h a t I could l a t e r

make s e n s e o u t of i t , and f o l l o w t h e advice t h e y had given me, b u t a l l

I could r e c a p t u r e was t h e e s s e n c e of some of t h e t h i n g s t h e y t o l d me,

and, of course, the song which was s t i l l i n my mind weaving i t s

melodic s p e l l .

A f t e r b r e a k f a s t , we drove t o t h e c e n t e r o t town, parked the car

n e a r t h e p l a z a and walked t o t h e marketplace.

"This person has a s t a l l i n t h e market where he s e l l s m e d i c i n a l

h e r b s , " C a r l o s s a i d . "I t h i n k i t ' s i n t h i s i s l e i f I ' m n o t mistaken."

We walked passed t h e rows of f r u i t vendors and a stand t h a t sold

p o u l t r y . Chickens were hanging u p s i d e down w i t h t h e i r heads chopped

o f f and blood was d r i p p i n g i n t o a pan below. I became q u e e s i e . I t was

n o t a p l e a s a n t s i g h t t o s e e s o soon a f t e r b r e a k f a s t .

Carlos make some i n q u i r i e s a s t o whether t h e man we were l o o k i n g

f o r was t h e r e t h a t day. A s t o c k y woman w i t h a r e d r i b b o n b r a i d e d i n t o

h e r two long p l a i t s , p o i n t e d t o a s t a n d a t t h e end of t h e row. I t was

more t h a n a s t a n d ; i t was a l m o s t a s m a l l c o n s u l t a t i o n room, p o r t i o n e d

o f f by plywood and c u r t a i n s . There was a s i g n on t h e c u r t a i n , s a y i n g

" t h e doctor i s out."

"The c u r e r w i l l be back s h o r t l y , " s a i d a t h i n gaunt y o u t h who was

the curer's assistant.

He l e d us behind t h e c u r t a i n and asked me t o s i t down on a c r a t e .

A h o t breeze came thorough the opening of the fabric making t h e

windowless q u a r t e r s even s t u f f i e r . The cement f l o o r was swept c l e a n

275
and t h e r e was an a l t a r w i t h w i l t e d f l o w e r s and a s t a t u e of the virgin

and some drooping c a n d l e s . A t r u n k was t h e o n l y bulky p i e c e i n t h e

a r e a , o t h e r t h a n t h e c r a t e s and a c h a i r . On i t t h e c u r e r had l a i d o u t

his paraphilia. Stacked against one wall were dried herbs t i e d

t o g e t h e r w i t h p i e c e s of r e d y a r n . I d i d n ' t r e c o g n i z e any of t h e h e r b s ,

except t o r t h e a n g e l i c a which I had gone t o f i n d i n a s t r e a m bed w i t h

don Juan. Next t o t h e d r i e d h e r b s was a g r a n i t e m o r t a r and pestle tor

grinding medicines to a powder. A row o t n e a t l y l a b e l e d j a r s w i t h

d i f f e r e n t powdered h e r b s , o t h e r s i n roots form, and s t i l l others in

leaves, lined the wall.

I shifted my p o s i t i o n on t h e p e p s i c o l a c r a t e , o r r a t h e r leaned

o v e r t o watch t h e f l i c k e r i n g flame o t t h e candles t h a t the assistant

had lit on t h e s h r i n e . My l e g s i t c h e d madly and it was a 1 1 I c o u l d do

t o keep from s c r a t c h i n g them. Carlos had bought me a p a i r of white

cotton mittens t o wear so that if I did s c r a t c h , I would n o t draw

blood and s c a r my l e g s . I t o o k t h e m i t t e n s from my pocket and p u t them

on j u s t i n case I had a f i t o t i t c h i n g I could n o t c o n t r o l . I looked

l i k e I had w h i t e c a t ' s paws.

" I ' l l go s e e i f I can f i n d t h e c u r e r , " C a r l o s s a i d .

I i n s i s t e d t h a t he s t a y w i t h me and n o t wander o f f l i k e he d i d a t
dona C a t a l i n a ' s house. A s we d i s c u s s e d t h i s , t h e c u r t a i n opened and a

s t o o p e d woman s u p p o r t i n g h e r s e l f on a crooked c a n e stepped i n t o the

i n n e r room. I t was a l l s h e could do t o walk. The a s s i s t a n t g r e e t e d her

warmly and helped h e r t o t h e s o l e c h a i r t h a t C a r l o s had v a c a t e d .

"Is s h e t h e c u r e r ? " I asked C a r l o s i n dismay.

C a r l o s shook h i s head. "I d o n ' t t h i n k so. She must be one of h i s

patients . "

276
 But t h e a s s i s t a n t i n t r o d u c e d h e r t o us a s t h e c u r e r ' s w i f e . She

k e p t r a v i n g about h e r h u s b a n d ' s powers, s a y i n g t h a t he had cured h e r

son's shoulder which he had d i s l o c a t e d w h i l e d i g g i n g an i r r i g a t i o n

ditch.

Why d o e s n ' t he c u r e h e r ? " I whispered t o C a r l o s ? "She seemed t o

be on h e r l a s t Leg."

The old woman smacked her lips and looked me up and down i n

disapproval. I senses she distinctly disliked Americans with t h e i r

s o f t , cushioned ways. I w a s n ' t about t o a n t a g o n i z e anyone a f t e r t h e

e x p e r i e n c e w i t h dona C a t a l i n a , s o I s a i d "Buenos d i a s , " and smiled a s

g r a c i o u s l y a s I could.

She nodded and s a i d "buenos d i a s , " but d i d n o t s m i l e .

The c u r e r must be ancient i f t h a t i s h i s w i f e , I thought. J u s t

t h e n a s p r i t e man, perhaps i n h i s late f o r t i e s , entered through t h e

c u r t a i n . He was t a l i for a Mexican, l e a n and exuded a s o r t of w i r y

vitality. He had a p o i n t e d w e l l trimmed beard g i v i n g me t h e impres-

s i o n of a Spanish gentleman on l e a v e from h i s h a c i e n d a . And l i k e t h e

S p a n i a r d s , h i s s k i n was l i g h t . His eyes were f r i e n d l y and he had w e l l

marked laugh l i n e s around h i s eyes and mouth g i v i n g him a mischievous

appearance. He was d r e s s e d i n c h a r c o a l t r o u s e r and a white tunic-like

s h i r t with embroidery down t h e f r o n t t h a t , w i t h a l i t t l e i m a g i n a t i o n ,

could pass f o r ,a d o c t o r ' s smock.

Carlos, the curer, don Vicente, and his assistant chatted

amicably i n spanish f o r a while, a s h i s w i f e , t h a t looked more l i k e

h i s mother o r even h i s grandmother, Looked on in silence. Then t h e

c u r e r ceremoniously bowed and f o r m a l l y asked u s p e r m i s s i o n t o begin

practicing h i s healing a r t . He was such a gentleman that I instinc-

277
 tively trusted him. H i s a s s i s t a n t had t o l d us e a r l i e r , w h i l e h i s w i f e
was informing us of h i s prowess, t h a t he could diagnose i l l n e s s by
e v a l u a t i n g t h e c o l o r and shape of a p e r s o n ' s energy t h a t s u r r o u n d s h i s

body.
The c u r e r s t a r t e d by s t a r i n g a t me a s i f assessing t h e s t a t e of
my energy. I was w o r r i e d a b o u t what he might s e e , e s p e c i a l l y a f t e r t h e

c l a s h w i t h l a C a t a l i n a . I would have hidden a l l the bad t h i n g s if I

could, including the foreign luminous worms, but how c o u l d one h i d e

what was a l r e a d y i n v i s i b l e ? The c u r e r became foggy eyed and a b i t
groggy and he seemed t o be l o o k i n g r i g h t through me s o t h e r e was no
place t o hide. I d i d n ' t l i k e the way he was shaking his head i n
dismayed. A f t e r an uneasy i n t e r v a l , he opened h i s eyes wider and w i t h
a frown whispered something t o C a r l o s i n Spanish.
"He b e l i e v e s i t i s a c a s e of bewitchment," s a i d C a r l o s .
' W i t c h c r a t t l I knew i t . But he h a s n ' t even looked a t the t l e a
b i t e s y e t . " I began t o r o l l up my pant l e g s .
The curer glanced at the red swollen b i t s and nodded a s he
r e p e a t e d what he had s a i d bef o r e , "Embrujamiento."
"Now h e ' s c e r t a i n i t ' s w i t c h c r a f t , " C a r l o s s a i d .

The o l d woman i n t h e c o r n e r nodded i n agreement.

"But d o e s n ' t w i t c h c r a f t have t o be done by an enemy? I asked. "I
d o n ' t have any enemies i n Mexico, except maybe f o r C a t a l i n a , but I had

t h e b i t e s b e f o r e I had t h e r u n i n w i t h h e r . So I know s h e d i d n ' t c a u s e

them. "

" H e t h i n k s a j e a l o u s woman p u t t h e hex on you," s a i d C a r l o s .

,~ "I d o n ' t know any j e a l o u s women," I s a i d , e x c e p t f o r m y s e l f ,. I.

couldn't help thinking.

278
 Don V i c e n t e examined t h e bites carefully then took two w h i t e

c a n d l e s and r a n them sideways up and down a l o n g my c a l v e s . He p e r i o d i -

c a l l y shook t h e c a n d l e s i n t h e a i r a s i f t o cast off t h e poison t h a t

t h e candles had a t t r a c t e d t o them. Then he g o t a f l a s k of y e l l o w i s h

l i q u i d from t h e s h r i n e , which he s a i d was holy w a t e r , and s p r i n k l e d i t

on my legs. I cringed as it I were S a t i n h i m s e l f . For I remembered

C l a r a ' s s t o r y a b o u t u r i n a t i n g i n t h e holy w a t e r f o u n t s i n t h e church.

I was c e r t a i n t h a t t h e l i q u i d was t h e c u r e r ' s own u r i n e .

Then t h e a s s i s t a n t took from t h e top of t h e c h e s t a r a t t l e w i t h a

long handle and gave i t t o the curer who shook it vigorously a l l

around my body. With eyes c l o s e d , don V i c e n t e hummed a monotonous

c h a n t a s he k e p t s h a k i n g t h e r a t t l e a s i f t o ward o f f evil spirits.

' \
.I The sound of t h e r a t t l e made me remember t h e g i r l whom I had s e e n i n
t h e Yaqui s t o r e , t h e day we had bought our h a t s and t h e P a s c o l a masks.

I saw again t h e look of contempt t h e g i r l had g i v e n me w h i l e I was

s i t t i n g i n t h e f r o n t s e a t of t h e c a r . But I had a l r e a d y gotten b i t ,

how could s h e have caused i t ? I was t h i n k i n g of t h e p o s s i b i l i t i e s of

i l l n e s s e s caused by t h e e v i l eye, when don Vicente i n t e r r u p t e d my

thoughts.
8,
Someone wants you t o be a s m i s e r a b l e a s can b e , " he s a i d . "They

may n o t have caused the bites, but they are certainly keeping them

from h e a l i n g . "
I wondered i f Don V i c e n t e ' s s i n i s t e r d i a g n o s i s was c o r r e c t . I had
h e a r d w i t c h c r a f t d i s c u s s e d i n my anthropology courses, but I had

always thought t h a t curses and t h e e v i l eye were concepts p r i m i t i v e

p e o p l e used t o e x p l a i n t h e world of cause and e f f e c t because t h e y were

somehow l a c k i n g in rationality or logical thought. Could someone's

279
 ill f e e l i n g s really affect a n o t h e r person p h y s i c a l l y . A f t e r meeting

C a t a l i n a , I was c e r t a i n of i t .
I caught myself. It was a l l t o o easy t o blame o t h e r s t o r o n e ' s
own c a r e l e s s n e s s o r i l l - f o r t u n e . Was my d i s c o m f o r t r e a l l y something a

j e a l o u s woman had wished upon me o r was i t something I had brought

upon m y s e l t . To s e e cause and e f f e c t on a supernatural p l a n e , which

could n o t be r e f u t e d , seemed t o me an easy way t o e x p l a i n a n y t h i n g . I

decided t h a t t h e f l e a s had b i t t e n me simply because my l e g s were t h e r e
and uncovered. Yet t h e more I thought of t h e o t h e r people s i t t i n g i n
t h e same room, some wearing s k i r t s w i t h t h e i r legs also uncovered, I

r e a l i z e d none of them had g o t t e n bit. They were exposed t o t h e same

d i r t f l o o r , t h e same f l e a s ; and i t was t r u e , t h e f l e a s had descend on

,I
I me w i t h a p a r t i c u l a r vengeance.
"What can I do about i t ? " I asked concerned. I hoped I would n o t

have t o k i l l a chicken o r d r i n k t h e blood of a goat o r something o f

t h a t nature.
Don Vicente p u t down t h e r a t t l e and s e a r c h e d through h i s t r u n k .
He brought o u t an amulet on a s t r i n g made of a s m a l l seed t h a t looked
strangely l i k e an eye. He s a i d I needed t o wear i t around my neck f o r

n i n e d a y s , t h e n t h e s w e l l i n g a n d i t c h i n g would be gone. The amulet

c a l l e d 'eye of t h e d e e r ' would c o u n t e r a c t t h e f o r c e of t h e venom s e n t
by t h e e v i l w i s h e r , whom he said I had had contact with. The c u r e r
a l s o gave m e a holy c a r d of S a i n t George, s l a y i n g a dragon which I was

t o p l a c e under my p i l l o w w h i l e I s l e p t .
I p u t t h e h o l y c a r d i n my pocket and r o l l e d down my pant legs. I

decided to follow don Vicente's instructions t o t h e l e t t e r , even

though I knew t h a t t h e dragon s l a y e r had n o t been a r e a l s a i n t a t a l l ;
2W
because according to the Catholic Church, S a i n t George had n e v e r

o f f i c i a l l y e x i s t e d and n e i t h e r had dragons. I realized that what was

s u p e r s t i t i o n i n one c u l t u r e was r e a l i t y i n a n o t h e r . B e s i d e s , what d i d

I know about t h e supernatural world and its ramifications. I was

t r a p p e d i n o r d i n a r y l i f e t h i n k i n g of myself, w i t h no hope of e s c a p i n g ,

u n l e s s something d r a s t i c happened.

We s t e p p e d o u t of the curtained oft area which had been a

sanctuary a p a r t from t h e w o r l d , and e n t e r e d t h e h u s t l e and b u s t l e of

t h e market p l a c e . Don V i c e n t e a d d r e s s e d Carlos i n private in friendly

t o n e s . From time t o time he glanced a t me and chuckled. I wondered i f

he was t e l l i n g him more about t h e e v i l eye and what t o do t o c o u n t e r -

a c t it.

His wife had followed us through t h e c u r t a i n and was s l o w l y

walking away, s t o p p i n g t o browse a t s e v e r a l of the s t a l l s . I noticed

t h e n something s t r a n g e . She was no longer stooped o v e r , and s h e had

l o s t h e r limp and had abandoned her cane. From where I stood she

seemed l i k e a young woman w i t h an e x q u i s i t e l y s t r a i g h t back. I wanted

t o f o l l o w h e r around t h e market p l a c e t o s e e what s h e was up t o and

how s h e had a c c o m p l i s h e d h e r remarkable metamorphosis. But C a r l o s came

up t o me and s a i d i t was t i m e t o go., I thanked don Vicente and we

left.

"What d i d t h e curer say t o you?" I asked a s w e stopped t o buy

some s h o r t s t u b b y bananas a t a s t a l l , o u t s i d e t h e main market.

C a r l o s h e s i t a t e d t o r a moment t h e n s a i d , "Don V i c e n t e t h i n k s your

a b i t c r a z y and t h a t ' s why y o u ' r e s o s u s c e p t i b l e t o w i t c h c r a f t . "

"What makes him t h i n k t h a t ? " I asked.

 'He could t e l l from h i s s e e i n g t h a t your energy f i e l d i s e r r a t i c .

Something i n you was hopping a i l o v e r t h e p l a c e . "

'How could he t e l l ? "
"He could s e e i t i n your eyes."
C a r l o s peered a t my eyes a s if to see i f what don V i c e n t e had

s a i d was t r u e . "He a l s o s a i d t h a t i f you d o n ' t do something a b o u t your

i n d u l g i n g soon, your h e a t h w i l l be impaired. Then i t w i l l be d i f f i -

c u l t t o c u r e you."

"Well, i f it's a q u e s t i o n of i n t e r n a l balance," I s a i d , " I ' m a

hopeless case. I j u s t saw h i s w i f e walk away w i t h o u t a trace of a
limp; and h e r back was c o m p l e t e l y s t r a i g h t . She w a s n ' t even u s i n g h e r
cane. "

"What?"
"I s a i d , h i s w i t e , when s h e walked down t h e i s l e w a s n ' t limping.
And s h e w a s n ' t stooped a t a l l . "
' I think y o u ' r e beginning to see things," Carlos s a i d with a
nervous laugh. " E i t h e r t h a t , o r don Vicente is right. Someone h a s
bewitched you."
 17

Saying Goodbye

We continued hiking on trail that wound mostly downhill. The

loose gravely rock made walking difficult and I had to be extremely
careful not to slide. More than once I lost my footing on shale that
turned into a small landslide, and I landed on my rear end. Instead
of helping me up, Nelida scolded me for being clumsy. We came to a
hut hidden in the underbrush. I expressed bewilderment that anyone
would live in the desert so far from the nearest town.
"By now you ought to know that sorcerers' houses are found where
one least expected them," she said.
"You mean sorcerers live here?" I said stopping in my tracks.
T h e y do. We'll spend the night here and hike back early the next
morning. Tomorrow our three day interlude will he over."
I began rubbing my eyes and I told her that I cherished my time
with her and did not want it to come to an end.
"Don't indulge in sentimentality. You know that it's in the
nature of things to come to an end. Fortunately we already said
goodbye ."
I assured her that I never said any such thing.
"To cling is indulging," she said firmly and walked to the door
of the hut. "You're riding on the sorcerer's power now. But when you
return to Los Angeles, you'll have to rely on your own power. There-
f o r e , you must b e h a v e i m p e c c a b l y o r e l s e t h e b i r d of f r e e d o m w i l l f l y

away a n d you w i l l b e l e f t f e e l i n g s o r r y f o r y o u r s e l f u n d e r t h e t r e e . "

N e l i d a ' s words gave m e a s o b e r i n g j o l t . The t h o u g h t t h a t t h e

s p i r i t would f l y away a n d 1 would n e v e r s e e h e r a g a i n was more f r i g h t -

ening than anything I could imagine.

e e n t e r e d t h e a d o b e h u t ; i t was c o o l i n s i d e . The s i n g l e room was

W

sparsely furnished. Only a m a t t r e s s w i t h a f o l d e d b l a n k e t a n d a c a r v e d

wooden t r u n k l i n e d t h e w a l l s . A t a b l e a n d two o r a n g e ' c r a t e s s e t on,

t h e i r s i d e s were i n t h e c e n t e r o f t h e room. N e l i d a s a t on t h e g a t t r e s s

and b r o u g h t h e r k n e e s t o h e r c h e s t a n d f o l d e d h e r a r m s a r o u n d them--a

p o s i t i o n s h e had t a u g h t me t o assume whenever I wanted t o r e l a x . The

b e n t l e g s c o v e r e d t h e e n e r g y c e n t e r s a l o n g t h e f r o n t of t h e body and

p r e v e n t e d e n e r g y from d i s s i p a t i n g t h r o u g h a g i t a t i o n .

'We a r e i n t h e h a n d s o f power and w e m u s t humbly a c c e p t w h a t i t

o f f e r s u s , " she continued i n a g e n t l e r tone. "We c o n t r o l n o t h i n g and

m u s t n o t c l i n g , f o r i n t h e c i r c u l a r c o u r s e of t h i n g s t h e e n d i s a l w a y s

one w i t h t h e beginning."

"But how do w e know when t h e end w i l l come, o r i f t h e r e w i l l be

another beginning?" I asked.

N e l i d a s t r a i g h t e n e d h e r l o n g l e g s and l o o k e d a t me s q u a r e l y .

"You p r e p a r e f o r t h e e n d by a l w a y s s a y i n g good bye a t t h e b e g i n -

ning. You d o t h i s n a t u r a l l y , w i t h a s much f l a i r and a f f e c t i o n a s i f

you were s a y h e l l o . "

S o m e t h i n g w a s f o r m i n g i n my t h o u g h t s . I saw what w a s coming y e t

t h e r e was n o power on e a r t h t o a v e r t i t . I f 1 k e p t t a l k i n g p e r h a p s

t h e r e was s o m e t h i n g I c o u l d h o l d on t o a f t e r s h e was g o n e , if o n l y h e r
 words. I told her that I didn't understand how one could always be
saying goodbye, when one didn't know when one was leaving.
B u t don't you see, Taisha, you are leaving all the time. Every
moment you are leaving one thing to embrace something else. The very
act of going to something new means that you are saying farewell to
that which you have left behind. It' you never say your peace and voice
you're thanks, if you continually cling to what has passed, how can
you ever have the energy to accept the marvelous present?"
W h a t exactly do you mean by clinging?" I asked doggedly,.
following her to the table.
Nelida explained that clinging was both a mental attitude and a
physical sensation. Mentally, one is drawn back, again and again to
something that is no longer in one's immediate surroundings. Physical-
. .
'

ly, one becomes constricted, as one holds onto ideas or memories that
are illusory. Both mental and physical constrictions reinforce each
other, s o that one is unable to open willingly and accept fully the
new challenges that continually present themselves.
"If you d i n g , you are plagued with a sense of loss and longing,"
Nelida remarked sitting down on one of the orange crates. "So you
always feel unfulfilled. It would be much wiser not to cling, but to
simply let go. Then you won't feel that you have lost anything, for
you have already made full use of whatever it was that left. My advice
is to never hold on to anything beyond its or your time."
Nelida explained that saying goodbye at the same time of saying
hello, is the stalker's art of recognizing and accepting life's
impermanence.
 " N o t h i n g e v e r r e m a i n s t h e same, b u t c o n s t a n t c h a n g e s h o u l d n o t

e f f e c t a s e a s o n e d s t a l k e r , f o r when c h a n g e comes h e o r s h e i s r e a d y . "

How c a n we be r e a d y f o r c h a n g e when we d o n ' t know what w i l l

happen n e x t o r where it w i l l happen?"

N e l i d a g r a b b e d my hand t h a t was r u b b i n g my e y e s . S l a p p i n g i t a s

o n e would s l a p a c h i l d , s h e s a i d I must n o t r u b i n my a g i t a t i o n b u t

a l l o w t h e e n e r g y i n my e y e s t o f l o w o u t f r e e l y .

"As s t a l k e r s , w e a r e r e a d y f o r c h a n g e , " N e l i d a c o n t i n u e d i n a n

e v e n t o n e , " b e c a u s e we a c c e p t o u r f a t e , which i s t o e v o l v e . V@ are

a b l e t o s h i f t o u r a w a r e n e s s e a s i l y and smoothly t o match t h e e v e n t s

t h a t a r e s h i f t i n g around u s . By b e i n g o n e w i t h t h e moment, a s t a l k e r

d o e s n o t n o t i c e t h e change, and n e v e r f e e l s a l o s s . Thus, o u r l i v e s

.
..~.
a r e a l w a y s f u l l a n d y e t r e m a i n f o r e v e r a n open e n d e d q u e s t i o n mark."
" I would f e e l more s e c u r e i f o u r l i v e s were c o n t a i n e d i n c l o s e d

brackets, " I membled.

" T h a t i s b e c a u s e you h a v e grown a c c u s t o m e d t o y o u r p r i s o n b a r s .

B u t when y o u r l i f e i s a c o n s t a n t q u e s t i o n m a r k , t h e r e i s no t e l l i n g

what you a r e c a p a b l e of d o i n g . P e r h a p s , even e s c a p i n g t h e u l t i m a t e

exclamation point--our death!''

"What i f you l o v e someone o r want s o m e t h i n g you c a n ' t h a v e ? " 1

argued. "Then you are bound t o f e e l d i s a p p o i n t e d o r c h e a t e d . "

Nelida shook h e r head.

>

"You n e v e r want a n y t h i n g you c a n ' t h a v e , " s h e r e p l i e d . " J u s t as

you n e v e r w a n t a n y t h i n g you c a n h a v e . By r e c a p i t u l t i n g y o u r l i f e a n d

p r a c t i c i n g n o t d o i n g , you c h a n g e y o u r a t t i t u d e , a n d by t h a t I mean,

, y o u r mind becomes f l u i d so you c l i n g t o n o t h i n g . Then w h a t e v e r comes

y o u r way is more t h a n e n o u g h . Nor d o you e x p e c t a n y t h i n g t o l a s t .

287
 T h e n , w h a t e v e r w i t h d r a w s from y o u , h a s s t a y e d l o n g e r t h a n i t s t i m e ,

b u t your i n t r i n s i c energy n e v e r s t a y s o r l e a v e s . "

" B u t you s a i d we w i l l h a v e t o l e a v e t o m o r r o w , " I p r o t e s t e d . "I

m i g h t n e v e r see you a g a i n . "

N e l i d a s t o o d up and p a u s e d a t t h e s m a l l window c u t i n t o t h e

adobe. " P e r h a p s you w i l l be g o n e b u t I w i l l n e v e r h a v e t o l e a v e t h i s

desert." "How c a n t h a t be?"

"Simply b e c a u s e I was n e v e r h e r e . "

I shivered. N e l i d a s a i d t h i s w i t h s u c h c e r t a i n t y t h a t e v e n if I
Ã

wanted t o d o u b t h e r , I c o u l d n ' t . I m p u l s i v e l y I embraced h e r . She w a s

s o l i d a n d y e t i n d e s c r i b a b l y empty t o t h e t o u c h . When I c l o s e d my e y e s ,

I could no l o n g e r f e e l h e r . I r e a l i z e d , then, t h a t her presence i n t h e

'
room d e p e n d e d on v i s u a l and a u d i t o r y c l u e s t h a t were, t o a l a r g e
...
e x t e n d , b a s e d on my memory of h e r , r a t h e r t h a n on h e r a c t u a l e x i s -

tence. T h a t t h o u g h t g a v e me a j o l t o f g e n u i n e f r i g h t . Instinctively, I

moved b a c k w a r d s a few s t e p s .

' T o be h e r e and n o t h e r e a t t h e same t i m e i s w h a t s o r c e r e r s mean

by s t a l k i n g w i t h t h e d o u b l e , " N e l i d a s a i d . " I t means t h a t b e i n g i s n o

more r e a l t h a n n o t b e i n g . "

" T h e r e you g o a g a i n , t a l k i n g i n r i d d l e s a g a i n , " I s a i d a f r a i d s h e

would v a n i s h a t a n y moment.

S h e l o o k e d a t m e as if i m p a t i e n t w i t h my i n a b i l i t y t o u n d e r s t a n d .

" I t m e a n s , " s h e c o n t i n u e d when s h e saw i n my f a c e g e n u i n e c o n f u -

sion, " t h a t n o t b e i n g h e r e i s as r e a l as b e i n g h e r e . The f a c t t h a t

t h i s d e s e r t o r t h i s h u t is s o m e t h i n g t h a t s u r r o u n d s m e , s o m e t h i n g t h a t
.,
' I l o v e p r o f o u n d l y , c a n n o t b e d e n i e d . But i t a n o t h e r s c e n e s u r r o u n d s
 m e , I w i l l l o v e i t a s d e e p l y , f o r t h e f e e l i n g of a f f e c t i o n i s i n s i d e
me, a n d o n l y i n t h e s c e n e f o r a s l o n g a s I c h o o s e t o p l a c e i t h e r e . "

She looked a t m e solemnly. " I t ' s t r u e , I t a k e my a w a r e n e s s a n d

energy with m e wherever I g o , " s h e s a i d . "I leave nothing behind. You,

on t h e o t h e r h a n d , l e a v e e v e r y t h i n g b e h i n d l i k e a comet. Anyone c a n

f o l l o w your t r a i l . I c a l l t h a t lousy stalking."

"How c a n you n o t be and y e t s t i l l f e e l a f f e c t i o n ? " I a s k e d .

T h a t i s t h e r i d d l e of t h e h e a r t t h a t t a k e s s t a l k e r s a l i f e t i m e

t o unravel," she said. "Someday you w i l l u n d e r s t a n d it.'' ^

She t o o k two c h i n a c u p s f r o m a s h e l f and s e t them on t h e t a b l e

along with a t e a p o t . I was s u r p r i s e d t o s e e t h a t t h e y were made o f

e x q u i s i t e l y f i n e p o r c e l a i n e , s o o u t of p l a c e i n an adobe shack. Their

,.

) u n e x p e c t e d p r e s e n c e g a v e m e a t r u e j o l t and I i m a g i n e d f o r a moment

t h a t N e l i d a had p l u c k e d them o u t o f t h e a i r , f o r I had n o t n o t i c e d

them on t h e s h e l f , upon e n t e r i n g t h e room.

On a p o r t a b l e k e r o s i n e s t o v e s h e s e t w a t e r t o b o i l . A s she

p r e p a r e d t e a , I l i f t e d up o n e o f t h e c u p s t o e x a m i n e i t . The b l u e a n d

w h i l e p o r c e l a i n was d e l i c a t e l y s h a p e d w i t h a w i l l o w p a t t e r n d e s i g n . I

wondered i f t h e t e a s e t was a n a n t i q u e Irom t h e Ming D y n a s t y , i n which

c a s e . i t was p r i c e l e s s . So much f o r s o r c e r e r s n o t b e i n g i n t e r e s t e d i n

personal possessions, I thought. N e l i d a a n s w e r e d my u n v o i c e d q u e s -

t i o n , s a y i n g . s h e had a c q u i r e d t h e t e a set d u r i n g h e r t r a v e l s i n t h e

Orient. She a d d e d t h a t i t r e a l l y d i d n ' t m a t t e r how v a l u a b l e i t was o r

how o l d i t was b e c a u s e f o r h e r i t was a l w a y s h e r e a n d a l w a y s now.

N e l i d a f i l l e d my c u p w i t h t e a w i t h a r o m a t i c b l o s s o m s i n i t .
> " T h i s c u p t h a t w a s empty moments b e f o r e , i s now f i l l e d w i t h t e a , "

s h e s a i d a s s h e p u t down t h e p o t . " O r you can f i l l i t w i t h w h a t e v e r

289
 substance you chose. But the cup is the same no matter what it
contains, don't you agree?"
I nodded and waited for her to clarify her point.
Nelida explained that once a person has recapitulated and has
acquired detachment, their energy body no longer shivers every time
the world moves around them. decause they are empty and allow intent
to move them, they have a center that is constant and seemingly does
not move at all.
Didn't anyone teach you about maintaining the center?" she asked
Ã

surprised.
I told her that Clara and Emilito had taught me many things
including how to maintain one's equilibrium while climbing trees in
order not to get dizzy or nauseous when hanging upside down. By
focusing the gaze on a specific point, it appears as if the world is
moving while the body remains stationary.
Nelida nodded when I had finished describing to her some of
Emilito's tree climbing precepts. She picked up her cup and took a
sip. "Because the cup has no cracks, it can hold anything at all. You
can empty it, or fill it and it is still the same cup. But i f i t had
a crack in it, then you would noticed the tea dripping out little by
little until it was gone. Then the cup, it' it could feel, would sense
that it had lost something."
I agreed that if it were in the nature of a cup to feel, that
~ ~~ -~

because of the crack and the tea tricking out, the cup wouldexperi-
ence a sense of loss and might even feel unhappy, unfulfilled or
; nostalgic about the past.
 " T h a t i s b e c a u s e t h e c u p i s c r a c k e d , " s h e s a i d p e e r i n g a t me.

"But i f you s t e a l t h e c r a c k , t h e n when t h e c u p is f i l l e d a n d e m p t i e d ,

i t would n o t s e n s e a l o s s b e c a u s e i t i s t h e n a t u r e of a c u p t o b e
empty o r f u l l . While i t i s n o t i n t h e n a t u r e of a f u n c t i o n a l c u p t o

b e c r a c k e d o r b r o k e n . A c u p t h a t h a s a h o l e o r no b o t t o m c a n no l o n g e r

f u n c t i o n f o r w h a t it w a s intended, t h a t i s , t o be a c o n t a i n e r . "

I s t i l l d o n ' t u n d e r s t a n d what t h a t h a s t o do w i t h a n y t h i n g ? "

N e l i d a e x p l a i n e d t h a t i f t h e e n e r g y body h a s h o l e s i n i t o r i s

i n j u r e d , t h e p e r s o n f e e l s t h e d r a i n a g e of t h e l i f e f o r c e and v i e s t o

h o l d b a c k t h e i n e v i t a b l e l o s s by h o a r d i n g a n d c l i n g i n g . What a p e r s o n

d o e s n ' t r e a l i z e i s t h a t i t i s n o t t h e f e a r of l o o s i n g t h a t makes him

c l i n g b u t t h e w e a k n e s s of h i s e n e r g e t i c b e i n g t h a t i s t h e c a u s e of h i s

turmoil.

N e l i d a e x p l a i n e d t h a t a l l of u s were l i k e c u p s , some w i t h c r a c k s

o t h e r s w i t h no b o t t o m s , w h i l e s t i l l o t h e r s were s t r o n g a n d i n t a c t .

"The s t r o n g o n e s n e v e r c l i n g o r f e e l a l o s s when t h i n g s l e a v e

them," Nelida s a i d , " b e c a u s e r e g a r d l e s s o f w h e t h e r t h e y are empty o r

f u l l t h e i r e s s e n t i a l n a t u r e remains i n t a c t . Such p e o p l e can come and

g o w i t h o u t t h e burdensome a t t i t u d e s o f t h e weak, who c l i n g t o e v e r y

crumb t h a t comes t h e i r way, a l w a y s f e a r i n g t h a t someone m i g h t t a k e it

away. "They are l i k e b e g g a r s who s c r a m b l e f o r crumbs b e c a u s e t h e y

feel they w i l l never e a t again."

W h a t c a n you do i f you a r e a c u p w i t h a c r a c k ? " I a s k e d . "Is

t h e r e any hope f o r needy b e g g a r s ? "

"Kecapitulate! Do t h e s o r c e r y p a s s e s . Empty a n d r e s t o r e y o u r

energy. F o r g e t a b o u t t h e t e a and t h e w a t e r , t h e f r u i t j u i c e t h a t you

c a n ' t h o l d . D o n ' t t r y t o become f i l l e d a g a i n and a g a i n ; i t w i l l o n l y

291
 s e e p o u t a n d e x a c e r b a t e y o u r s e n s e of l o s s . D e d i c a t e a l l y o u r e n e r g y

t o revitalization. Then, when you a r e s t r o n g a g a i n , i t w o n ' t m a t t e r

w h e t h e r you a r e h o l d i n g g r a p e f r u i t j u i c e o r w a t e r . You c a n b e empty o r

f u l l , b u t you a r e n e v e r p o s s e s s i v e a b o u t a n y t h i n g o r a f r a i d t o l e t

go."

Why a r e you no l o n g e r p o s s e s s i v e ? " I a s k e d f e e l i n g i n t o x i c a t e d

from t h e aromatic t e a .

B e c a u s e you know t h a t i t i s n o t what f i l l s you t h a t i s impor-

t a n t , b u t y o u r l i n k w i t h i n t e n t . P r a c t i c e n o t d o i n g , empty y o u r c u p t o
Â¥

s e a l i t . Once i t i s e n e r g e t i c a l l y s e a l e d , t h e n y o u ' l l know n o t h i n g i s

lacking. "

N e l i d a e x p l a i n e d t h a t t o b e needy o r g r e e d y r e a l l y means t h a t o n e

I i s e n e r g e t i c a l l y d e p e n d a n t on o t h e r s f o r s u s t e n a n c e . T h e r e f o r e , o n e i s

a l w a y s a t t h e mercy of someone e l s e o r b e g g i n g f o r e n e r g e t i c h a n d o u t s .

" B u t i f you d i p y o u r c u p i n t o t h e v a s t n e s s , t h e n n o t h i n g c a n

d i s t u r b o r d i s a p p o i n t you. F o r t h e n you a r e s o a k e d i n t h e s o u r c e o f

a l l things. Then a p e r s o n i s n e v e r a f r a i d of s a y i n g g o o d b y e f o r h e o r

s h e knows t h a t u l t i m a t e l y t h e r e i s n o t h i n g t o l e a v e a n d no p l a c e t o

go. "

"What a b o u t t h e s a u c e r s ? " I a s k e d .

N e l i d a l a u g h e d h e a r t i l y a s i f I had s a i d s o m e t h i n g h i l a r i o u s l y

funny .
" T o s s them o u t , " s h e s m i l e d . "We h a v e no u s e f o r s a u c e r s . I t i s
b e t t e r t o r e s t upon t h e v a s t n e s s i t s e l f . "

N e l i d a s e t h e r c u p on t h e t a b l e and e x p l a i n e d t h a t t o r e s t on t h e

v a s t n e s s , means t o f o r g e t o n e s e l f s o c o m p l e t e l y t h a t t h e r e i s n o d i f -

f e r e n c e between o n e s e l t a n d o n e s u r r o u n d i n g s . Then t h e w o r l d c o n f o r m s

292
t o o u r i n t e n t . When w e t a k e no n o t i c e o f o u r s e l v e s , t h e n o u r t i m i n g is

p e r f e c t ; t h e n we no l o n g e r know w h e t h e r we a r e moving o r b e i n g moved.

Then t h e u n f a t h o m a b l e g u i d e s and g u a r d s o u r b e i n g .

"But f i r s t w e must r e l y on o u r i m p e c c a b i l i t y , " N e l i d a s a i d .

"Empty y o u r cup t h o u g h t h e r e c a p i t u l a t i o n s o you w o n ' t h a v e t h e

s e n s a t i o n o f d r a i n i n g a n d l o s i n g . Then w h i l e you a r e empty you r e p a i r

t h e damages t o y o u r e n e r g y body t h r o u g h t h e s o r c e r y p a s s e s . f i n a l l y ,

a f t e r you a r e e n e r g e t i c a l l y s o u n d , a n d you a r e c l e a r a n d a t e a s e w i t h

y o u r s e l f a n d o t h e r s , t h e n you c a n b e g i n t o s p r e a d t h a t e a s e and
Ã

c l a r i t y t o a l l y o u r e n t e r p r i s e s and e n c o u n t e r s . No matter what a r i s e s ,

a s t a l k e r w i l l be a b l e t o h a n d l e it w i t h t h e e a s e a n d d e l i g h t t h a t
s p r i n g s from t h e depth of n o t being."

"What i f t h e p e o p l e I ' m w i t h a r e n e r v o u s and u n h a p p y ? " I a s k e d ,

c a r e f u l l y s e t t i n g my c u p down on t h e t a b l e . N e l i d a f i l l e d i t w i t h more

of t h e d e l i c i o u s t e a . " W o u l d n ' t I be c o n t a m i n a t e d by t h e i r n e g a t i v e

moods?" I was t h i n k i n g of a n i n c i d e n t t h a t happened n o l o n g a g o i n

t h e anthropology department.

I was r i d i n g up t h e e l e v a t o r when T i m Howard, a g r a d u a t e s t u d e n t

c o r r a l l e d m e and i n a n a g g r e s s i v e manner s a i d , "How come y o u ' r e a l w a y s

s m i l i n g . Did you d i s c o v e r t h e s o u r c e of h a p p i n e s s ? "

I became f l u s t e r e d . I m m e d i a t e l y I b e g a n e x p l a i n i n g t h a t I d i d n ' t

r e a l i z e I w a s a l w a y s s m i l i n g , and demanded t o know how f e e l i n g h a p p y

c o u l d b e o f f e n s i v e . But by t h e t i m e w e g o t t o t h e t h i r d f l o o r , I was

t h o r o u g h l y d e p r e s s e d and d e p l e t e d o f e n e r g y .

I f You e x u d e e a s e a n d d e l i g h t f r o m t h e d e p t h of y o u r b e i n g , you

w i l l c o n t a m i n a t e o t h e r s , " N e l i d a a s s u r e d me.

W h a t i f t h e y a r e s o s t r o n g t h a t t h e y sway m e ? " I insisted.

 " T h e r e i s no way a n y o n e c a n a f f e c t a s t a l k e r b e c a u s e h i s war-

r i o r ' s p u r p o s e c a n n o t b e swayed. Now, if you a r e c r a c k e d , o r are on

t h e l o o k o u t t o b e l i k e d o r a r e i n v e s t i n g and e x p e c t i n g p a y o f f s , then

e v e r y t h i n g s e e p s o u t o r i n a n d c a n a f f e c t you. s in the elevator, a l l

y o u r e n e r g y moves t o t h e p l a c e of t h e damage t o r e p a i r i t b u t t o no

a v a i l , f o r you c a n n o t h o l d o r c h a n g e a n y t h i n g ; n o r c a n you s e a l

a n y t h i n g when y o u r a r e so f u l l of y o u r s e l f . But a c o m p l e t e n a t u r e

holds i t s e l f within i t s e l f . I t n e e d s n o t h i n g added t o i t , n o r c a n

a n y t h i n g b e t a k e n away f r o m i t . Mot e v e n t h e f e e l i n g s of a c q u i r i n g o r

losing ."
N e l i d a r e a c h e d a c r o s s t h e t a b l e t o a f f e c t i o n a t e l y p a t my h a n d .

S h e a s s u r e d me t h a t a f t e r r e c a p i t u l a t i n g my e n e r g y body was f a i r l y
j, s t r o n g a n d t h a t w a s why s h e c o u l d t a l k t o m e . I t w a s wrong f o r m e t o

p e r s i s t i n f e e l i n g weak m e r e l y o u t of h a b i t .

" A p e r s o n who i s u n i t e d w i t h i n t e n t i t s e l f , e n j o y s t h e company of

o t h e r s b u t n e v e r c l i n g s o r i s needy, s i m p l y because h e r e m p t i n e s s and

f u l l n e s s p r e v e n t s h e r from knowing n e e d or t e n a c i t y . "

N e l i d a e x p l a i n e d t h a t t o f o r t i f y o n e ' s e n e r g y body e n t a i l s

c h a n g i n g o n e ' s b e h a v i o r , a n d g i v i n g u p t h e f e e l i n g s of d e s p e r a t i o n

t h a t s e r v e no p u r p o s e .
"Where d o e s o n e b e i n g ? " I a s k e d f e e l i n g overwhelmed.

N e l i d a s m i l e d and s a i d t h a t t h e b e s t way t o c o n s o l i d a t e o n e ' s

e n e r g y body was t h r o u g h t h e r e c a p i t u l a t i o n , r e s u l t i n g i n a c l e a n s i n g

of t h e turmoil a s s o c i a t e d with d a i l y e x i s t e n c e .

" I t i s t h e d i s s o l u t i o n of c o n f l i c t a n d i n n e r t u r m o i l t h a t p u t s

t h e personal s e l f t o r e s t , " Nelida s a i d . "It r e s u l t s i n merging o n e ' s

 i n n e r a n d o u t e r w o r l d s , s o t h a t what o n e t h i n k s and d o e s a n d s a y s a r e

t h e same as what h a p p e n s .

I t was g e t t i n g d a r k . N e l i d a g o t up and p o i n t e d t o t h e b e d . "Have

a good r e s t . I am g o i n g f o r a s h o r t w a l k . A d i o s . "

"You mean ' h a s t a l u e g o , ' d o n ' t you?" I s a i d .

N e l i d a s t o o d f o r a moment a n d s m i l e d . Then s t e p p e d o u t a n d c l o s e d

t h e door behind h e r .

When I awoke t h e n e x t m o r n i n g , Don J u a n was s t a n d i n g i n t h e

doorway p e e r i n g a t me. H e s a i d t o g e t up f o r i t was t i m e t o l e a v e . W

e

c l i m b e d down t h e canyon by a d i f f e r e n t t r a i l and h i k e d b a c k t o h i s

house. A s w e walked I was f i l l e d w i t h a v i b r a n t e n e r g y . I f e l t open,

. ~ .! p o r o u s , and l i g h t .
I w a n t e d t o a s k him where N e l i d a h a d g o n e and t o t e l l him a l l t h e

t h i n g s s h e had s a i d and what h a d h a p p e n e d a t t h e r u i n s , when h e

s t o p p e d m e w i t h a f l i c k of h i s h a n d . S u d d e n l y , I c o u l d n ' t p u t my

r e c o l l e c t i o n s i n t o words. I knew some t h i n g s c o u l d n e v e r he f o r c e d

i n t o words a n d had t o r e m a i n a t t h e l e v e l o f s i l e n t k n o w l e d g e .

C a r l o s was w a i t i n g when w e a r r i v e d a t don J u a n ' s h o u s e . My h e a r t

l e a p t w i t h r e l i e f a t s e e i n g him a g a i n . I t had o n l y been t h r e e d a y s ,

b u t i t seemed t o h a v e been f o r e v e r . H e d i d n o t a s k where I h a d b e e n .

I t was t h e r i d d l e o f t h e h e a r t t h a t N e l i d a had s a i d I would t a k e a

l i f e t i m e t o u n r a v e l . Looking i n t o t h e new n a g u a l ' s b r i g h t s h i n y e y e s ,

I knew t h e n i t had t o d o w i t h l e t t i n g g o o f t h e s e l f , and o f a c c e p t i n g

t h e g i t t s t h e s p i r i t offered without question, without i n t e r f e r i n g .

I
 Guadalajara

C a r l o s drove s o u t h on t h e pan American highway; he k e p t h i s eyes

on t h e road and d i d n o t r e l a x h i s c o n c e n t r a t i o n a l a l l d u r i n g t h e long
hours ot driving. I offered t o r e l i e v e him a t t h e wheel, but he

r e f u s e d , s a y i n g t h a t i t was dangerous f o r t h e inexperienced d r i v e r t o

n e g o t i a t e t h e curves on Mexican r o a d s , and we needed t o g e t t o a l a r g e

c i t y a s f a s t a s s a f e t y would allow.

i
As we drove, I had t h e f e e l i n g someone o r something was f o l l o w i n g
u s , hovering o u t s i d e on t h e p a s s e n g e r s i d e . That f e e l i n g had made me
s o anxious t h a t I had t o s t r u g g l e to keep my eyes open. I kept

dritting otf into a l i g h t s l e e p and found myself back i n t h e sonoran

d e s e r t f l o a t i n g over t h e c h a p a r r a l . I could see rows of enormous
agave c a c t u s and c l u s t e r s of t a l l s a g u a r o , and t h e long brown l i n e s of
i r r i g a t i o n ditches. I knew something was wrong; I f e l t vaporous, a s
it I had no s u b s t a n c e , o r t h a t t h e bulk of me was somewhere e l s e .
. . >.. v....
,..4.. ,. When I was awake, I was d i s o r i e n t e d ; I c o u l d n ' t t h i n kL~and could

h a r d l y f o r m u l a t e a c o h e r e n t answer t o C a r l o s ' q u e s t i o n s . He was a s k i n g

me about m y s t u d i e s , what c o u r s e s I planned t o t a k e i n t h e f a l l . That

world was s o d i s t a n t t h a t I c o u l d n ' t remember t h e course t i t l e s , the

p r o f e s s o r ' s names, o r people I had had c o n t a c t w i t h a t t h e U n i v e r s i t y . .

I was t r i p p i n g over my words a s if I were drunk or had a speech
impediment.
 "You sound l i k e my T u r k i s h grandmother," C a r l o s s a i d . "She would

always mix up h e r p ' s and b ' s and t w i s t words around. I used t o be

ashamed o t h e r because I thought s h e had a heavy a c c e n t , b u t l a t e r I

r e a l i z e d t h a t s h e had a p h a s i a . "

"Well, I d o n ' t have a p h a s i a , " I s a i d annoyed. "I j u s t c a n ' t seem

t o t o c u s my thoughts."

Carlos turned o t f onto a shoulder of t h e r o a d , stopped t h e c a r

and examined my p u p i l s . He concluded t h a t La C a t a l i n a had g o t t e n a

s t r o n g hold o v e r me and t h a t s h e w a s n ' t about t o l e t go.

"What does s h e want w i t h u s ? " I a s k e d , my t e e t h c h a t t e r i n g from

an i n n e r c h i l l .

"Your s u d d e n . v i s i t and s u s p i c i o u s behavior was i n t e r p r e t e d a s an

a t t e m p t t o s n a t c h h e r power," C a r l o s s a i d . "She had a c t e d i n t h e o n l y

way s h e knew how t o defend h e r s e l f from an i n e x p l i c a b l e t o r c e . "

Carlos r e i t e r a t e d that we had to put even greater distance

between u s , and q u i c k l y too, t o r we had offended La C a t a l i n a by n o t

making i t p l a i n who we were and why we had come t o s e e h e r .

"Why would s h e want t o h u r t u s i f s h e i s p a r t of don J u a n ' s group

of s o r c e r e r s ? " I asked.

" I t ' s not a q u e s t i o n of what l a C a t a l i n a wants," C a r l o s e x p l a i n -

ed. "But once c e r t a i n f o r c e s a r e s e t i n t o motion, t h e r e i s n o t h i n g she

can do to retract them. It is Like t h e r e c a p i t u l a t i o n . Once your

i n t e n t and b r e a t h a r e s e n t o u t , whoever happens t o be in its p a t h is

done for*" l - a a t e e d - e W .

"Do you t h i n k s h e might r e t a l i a t e a g a i n s t h e r w i l l ? "

Carlos s t a r t e d the ear again. "There's no way o t know what s h e

 might d o , " he s a i d . "Therefore we must c o n t i n u e our journey and r a l l y

o u r power."
When I asked C a r l o s how t a r s o u t h we were f l e e i n g , he s a i d we
would keep d r i v i n g u n t i l we r a n o u t of power, o r u n t i l something t o l d

us t o stop. I had t h e gnawing s u s p i c i o n t h a t I had a l r e a d y run o u t of

power. From t h e time of t h e g a t h e r i n g i n t h e house i n Sonora where t h e

f l e a s had a t t a c k e d me, t o t h e encounter w i t h l a C a t a l i n a , t h i n g s had
n o t turned out well. I rationalized these ill f a t e d outcomes, a s a
r e s u l t of n o t having been a d e q u a t e l y prepared a s t o who t h e s e p e o p l e

were, o r what I was t o e x p e c t . Had I been b e t t e r informed, I would

have handled t h e encounters w i t h more f i n e s s e . Yet a t t h e same time,

I knew t h a t i n t h e s o r c e r e r ' world the test of a w a r r i o r ' s metal

always came disguised, to see i t one could a c t impeccably w i t h o u t

warning o r p r e p a r a t i o n , but simply from an i n n e r c o n v i c t i o n .

I t was l a t e a f t e r n o o n by t h e time we reached G u a d a l a j a r a . Carlos

parked t h e c a r n e a r t h e Hotel de Mendoza, n e a r t h e long p a r k l i k e p l a z a

Tapatia. We got o u t and walked t o an a r e a where t h e r e was a gazebo
s e t on a r a i s e d p l a t f o r m w i t h s t e p s l e a d i n g up t o i t t h a t s e r v e d a s a
s t a g e . An o r c h e s t r a had assembled; t h e musicians seemed t o be p r e p a r -

ing t o play, t o r t h e y were warming up t h e i r v i o l i n s and trumpets. A

good s i z e d crowd had g a t h e r e d t o h e a r t h e c o n c e r t and t o s t r o l l along
t h e walkways o t t h e park.
Massive C o l o n i a l s t y l e . b u i l d i n g s surrounded t h e park. To t h e west
was t h e Uegollado T h e a t e r , t h e home of t h e Philharmonic O r c h e s t r a of
Jalisco. Further on we could s e e p a r t s of t h e government p a l a c e .
, , S t r e e t s veered o f f i n v a r i o u s d i r e c t i o n s from t h e c e n t r a l p l a z a . To my

l e f t was an enormous building with carved wooden doors opening t o a

285
 s e r i e s of s t e p s . I t seemed t o be a government b u i l d i n g of some kind
with a statue ot a man r i d i n g a h o r s e i n t r o n t o t a f o u n t a i n . C a r l o s
wanted t o head t o r t h e s t a t u e .
'Can we s t a y t o l i s t e n t o t h e c o n c e r t ? " I asked.

C a r l o s nodded. We looked t o r a bench where we could s i t and

listen to t h e music, but t h e y were a l l occupied by f a m i l i e s and young

couples. I r e a l i z e d we were not in t h e best spot t o listen t o the

orchestra. The p l a c e was packed with old men w i t h walking s t i c k s ,

grandmothers l o o k i n g a f t e r boisterous c h i l d r e n , and young women who

were p a r a d i n g b e f o r e t h e a p p r e c i a t i v e s t a r e s of young men.
The p a t h s were crowded t o o w i t h vendors s e l l i n g b a l l o o n s , a r t i f i -
c i a l t l o w e r s , and pinwheels. Other stands and carts were s e l l i n g
j cotton candy, truit, icecream, and all kinds o t wears, i n c l u d i n g

c a n a r i e s i n s m a l l cages. We stood tor a while waiting for the

o r c h e s t r a t o begin. I n t h e d i s t a n c e I could s e e t h e twin towers o t t h e
c a t h e d r a l . I t was a s t r i k i n g m i x t u r e of Byzantine, Gothic and A r a b i c
styles. Carlos s a i d that the 'iW f o o t towers were e r e c t e d i n 1848,

a f t e r an e a r t h q u a k e had d e s t r o y e d t h e o r i g i n a l s t r u c t u r e s . The towers

were b e a u t i t u l l y decorated with yellow and blue t i l e s t h a t g l i s t e n e d

i n t h e a f t e r n o o n sun.
I n t h e opposite d i r e c t i o n , across t h e park, e a s t a c c o r d i n g t o my

compass, t h e r e were t h r e e s t o r y houses w i t h b a r s c o v e r i n g t h e windows.

Flowering geranium p o t s and other plants graced the second s t o r y

balconies accessed by b e a u t i f u l t r e n c h doors opening o u t t o them. One
-
house i n p a r t i c u l a r caught my attention. Its shutters were t r e s h l y
p a i n t e d blue. I t seemed t o exude v i t a l i t y from every s t o n e . Compared
t o i t , t h e o t h e r houses seemed d r a b and o l d .

286
 "The o r c h e s t r a i s about t o s t a r t p l a y i n g , " C a r l o s s a i d t a k i n g my
arm. " S h a l l we walk around t h e p l a z a t o f i n d a b e t t e r s p o t ? "
We began to s t r o l l , but I grew more and more uneasy. I had t h e

u n s e t t l i n g sensation t h a t I was being followed or that someone I

c o u l d n ' t s e e was watching me. I grew s e l f - c o n s c i o u s , irritable, tor I

knew whoever i t was was s c r u t i n i z i n g me a t a deep level. I had a l l

but f o r g o t t e n l a C a t a l i n a i n t h e excitement o t t h e p a r k , but t h i s was
something e l s e having n o t h i n g t o do w i t h l a C a t a l i n a ' s r e p r i s a l s .
I looked a t t h e p e o p l e s e a t e d o r t h e ones s t a n d i n g on t h e benches

s o t h e y could s e e t h e m u s i c i a n s , but I d i d n ' t r e c o g n i z e anyone. I saw

c h i l d r e n w i t h t h e i r m o t h e r s , t e e n a g e r s o u t on d a t e s , an e l d e r l y woman
and a gentleman. Then t h e r e was a s t r o n g and a t t r a c t i v e middle aged

woman, c a r r y i n g a mesh shopping bag f u l l of p a r c e l s . I saw n o t h i n g o u t

of t h e o r d i n a r y .
The band had begun p l a y i n g . They sounded o u r of t u n e . They were
p l a y i n g t h e Vienna Waltz by S t r a u s s , which had been one of my m o t h e r ' s

f a v o r i t e piece. She had played i t over and over on t h e p i a n o s o t h a t

it had become i n g r a i n e d i n my memory. I was m u l l i n g o v e r a s t o how it
ought t o be played when a man approached Carlos and began t a l k i n g t o
him. A t f i r s t I d i d n ' t pay any attention, for I was engrossed i n
finding fault with the musicians. But when I t u r n e d and saw t h e

f a m i l i a r f a c e almost completely hidden by a sombrero, my mouth f e l l

open.
" E m i l i t o , " I c r i e d . "What a r e you doing h e r e ? Is it r e a l l y you?"

We s t o o d t h e r e f o r a moment s t a r i n g a t each o t h e r . Tears came t o

my eyes f o r I had thought I would n e v e r s e e h i m a g a i n .
 " I n d u l g i n g a s u s u a l , " he s a i d and winked d e v i l i s h l y . "Have you

been p r a c t i c i n g what I t a u g h t you?"

"I h a v e n ' t been," I c o n f e s s e d . " b u t I am going t o t h e u n i v e r s i t y

a s you recommended. "

E m i l i t o nodded. tie whispered something t o C a r l o s who suddenly ex-

cused h i m s e l f , s a y i n g he had an e r r a n d t o r u n , but t h a t he would j o i n

up w i t h us l a t e r . I was s o happy t o s e e E m i l i t o t h a t I barely heard

what Carlos was saying. I started to f o l l o w him a s he l e f t , but

K m i l i t o grabbed my arm t o s t o p me.

"Let him go, dear. Don't you like my company?" He sounded

a c t u a l l y peeved l i k e a c h i l d who was about t o be abandoned,
He prodded me in t h e o p p o s i t e d i r e c t i o n toward a n o t h e r bench,

I some d i s t a n c e away from the orchestra. I turned t o see i f I could

catch sight of C a r l o s t o a s k him n o t t o l e a v e me a l o n e i n an unknown
c i t y , but he had a l r e a d y d i s a p p e a r e d i n t h e crowd.
' Y o u ' l l s e e him l a t e r , " E m i l i t o a s s u r e d me. "Now what about your
p r a c t i c e of s t a l k i n g w i t h t h e d o u b l e ? "
"What do you mean?"

" S t a l k i n g w i t h t h e d o u b l e , " he r e p e a t e d w i t h an e x a s p e r a t e d c l i c k

o t h i s tongue. "Have you been p r a c t i c i n g i t ? "

I was a t a l o s s a s t o what t o say. I tried t o remember what he
had t a u g h t me w i t h r e s p e c t t o t h a t s u b j e c t , but my mind was a mass of

c o n t u s i o n . I looked a t h i s wide l e m u r - l i k e eyes and n o t e d t h e disap-

pointment i n them. I wanted t o say t h a t I understood what he meant
and t h a t I was p r a c t i c i n g d i l i g e n t l y every day, but t h a t would have

been d i s h o n e s t , s o I s a i d W Id o n ' t h o n e s t l y know i f I ' v e been s t a l k i n g

w i t h t h e double."
 He recommended t h a t I l e a n back on t h e bench, c l o s e my eyes and

t r y t o remember what he had t a u g h t me on t h a t s u b j e c t .

"Remember how t o f i n d t h i n g s , how t o g e t t h i n g s done, how t o move

things with a force stemming from inner silence and beyond?" he

suggested.
I closed my eyes and t r i e d t o s e t t l e my e r r a t i c b r e a t h i n g . Then

as I d r i f t e d off into a restful state, I remembered something t h a t

E m i l i t o had s a i d a long ago w h i l e I was l i v i n g i n t h e t r e e s under h i s

care. I had complained t h a t since I could n o t leave the treehouse,
which had been our agreement, I was unable t o p r a c t i c e t h e m a r t i a l a r t

forms C l a r a had t a u g h t me. For that I needed plenty ok s p a c e and

p r e f e r a b l y a hard wood f l o o r .

: "Practice martial a r t s w i t h your d o u b l e , " E m i i i t o had recommend-

ed. " T h a t ' s t h e b e s t s o r t of p r a c t i c e anyway."
"How do I p r a c t i c e m a r t i a l a r t s w i t h my double when I c a n ' t even

l e a v e t h e t r e e house?" I asked.
E m i l i t o had laughed and t o my amazement had executed a s e r i e s of
themost g r a c e f u l and i m p o s s i b l e bodily movements I had e v e r seen.

Kight t h e r e beneath t h e t r e e h o u s e , E m i l i t o had f l i p p e d backwards and

then l a t e r a l l y in circles, rotating his body i n a h o r i z o n t a l plane
like a t r i s b e e . And I knew he w a s n ' t u s i n g p u l l e y s o r r o p e s , o r e x t r a
f a s t t i l m t o speed up h i s movements a s t h e y d i d i n m a r t i a l a r t movies
t o give t h e impression of a c t o r s d e f y i n g g r a v i t y . Watching E m i l i t o ' s
s u p e r b movements from t h e t r e e h o u s e , was s h e e r d e l i g h t . Why h a d n ' t he
t a u g h t me b e f o r e I lamented? Now t h a t I c o u l d n ' t l e a v e t h e t r e e s , it
was t o o l a t e t o l e a r n how t o s p i n i n t h e a i r .
 " P r a c t i c e t h e s e movements w i t h your d o u b l e , " he had r e p e a t e d and
a g a i n showed me t h e l a t e r a l s p i n n i n g motion.
"But how do I p r a c t i c e t h a t w i t h o u t t a i l i n g o u t of t h e t r e e ? " I
had asked.
"Use your i m a g i n a t i o n and i n t e n d i t , " he s a i d . "Intent. intent,
intent," he called out in a s h r i l l b i r d l i k e squawk a s he walked

toward t h e house.
That n i g h t and ail the subsequent nights for s e v e r a l weeks,
before t a i l i n g asleep, I v i s u a l i z e d t h e movements E m i l i t o had demon-

strated. I saw myself doing them o v e r and o v e r until I found myself

doing them i n my dreams. With some p r a c t i c e , my dream body c o u l d move
any way I w i l l e d i t t o . I found I could do t h e most e l a b o r a t e f l i p s
and back bends, I could l e a p from t h e ground t o t h e t r e e house and
I

back down a g a i n i n a s i n g l e bound, u s i n g n o t p u l l e y s and r o p e s but he

energy from my m i d s e c t i o n . And I could do a t h i n g I had always wanted

t o do, but could n e v e r accomplish w i t h my waking body, no m a t t e r how

hard I s t r e t c h e d , and t h a t was t o u c h i n g my c h i n t o my t o e s . After
t h a t , Binilito would show me movements on a regular basis, which I

would t h e n practice f i r s t by v i s u a l i z i n g them, and t h e n by r e p e a t i n g

them o v e r and o v e r u n t i l I could do them i n my dreaming.

I opened my eyes and t o l d Kmilito what I had remembered; t h a t
while I was i n the treehouse, I practicing long sequences of move-

ments, p u t t i n g t h e g r a v i t y defying techniques t h a t he had shown me,

together i n new p a t t e r n s , s o t h a t every n i g h t I would dream of doing
combinations o f movement.
" T h a t ' s s t a l k i n g w i t h t h e d o u b l e , " Kmilito s a i d , p l e a s e d . "That's

sending out t h e double as a s c o u t t o p u t t h i n g s i n o r d e r . Then when

 you do i t , i t ' s a c i n c h because t h e energy has a l r e a d y been deployed

t o produce a c e r t a i n e f f e c t . The r e s t f o l l o w s by i t s e l f . "

I realized that in s p i t e of my r e a s o n , t h a t was t h e way I d i d

p r a c t i c a l l y e v e r y t h i n g , from practicing martial arts movements, t o

writing a term p a p e r , o r giving a report i n a c l a s s , or designing a
d r e s s , o r composing a poem o r cooking a stew. Following the pattern I

had l e a r n e d under E m i l i t o ' s tutelage, I always s e t up t h e form a t

night, in a quiet restful state. I laid the f o u n d a t i o n and imagined
myselt going through t h e motions of doing t h a t p a r t i c u l a r t h i n g .

For example, i f 1 were going t o make a d r e s s , I would go t h r o u g h

a l l t h e s t e p s in t h e exact order I needed t o do them. I would s e e
myself s e l e c t i n g t h e proper material, folding i t , cutting it, taking

1 t h e p i e c e s i n t h e i r proper o r d e r and s e w i n g t h e m t o g e t h e r . I would s e e

,

which way would be b e t t e r and make changes i f I needed t o , r e p e a t i n g

t h e sequence i n a d i f f e r e n t o r d e r . A v o i c e would t e l l me i f t h e r e was
a better way o t doing i t , and when I had it completed, i n t h e most
3,.

economical and e f f i c i e n t way, whenever I f e k t it was t h e proper time,

. I would allow t h e a c t i v i t y t o u n f o l d t o i t s completion.. I t was a s i f

t h e t h i n g were a l r e a d y done and I was only t h e a g e n t , s i l e n t l y going

through t h e motions of i t s e x e c u t i o n .
The same t h i n g would happen i f I had t o g i v e a r e p o r t i n one of
my c l a s s e s . I would v i s u a l i z e myself writing the paper while in a

l i g h t sleep. Or rather, I would blank my mind and something would

i s o l a t e a t o p i c and t e l l me how t o o r g a n i z e i t i n t h e most p r e c i s e and
u n d e r s t a n d a b l e manner. When it was a r r a n g e d , I would p u t i t down on
,
,
paper e x a c t l y a s I had w r i t t e n i t w i t h my dream body.
 1 realized that the y e a r s of r e c a p i t u l a t i o n had enabled me t o
v i s u a l i z e i n d e t a i l e n t i r e s c e n e s and long sequences w i t h no d i f f i c u l -
t y a t a l l . Something would t e l l me what t o say o r do and I would s e e
and h e a r myselt s a y i n g and doing it. Then when i t came t i m e t o g i v e

the report, o r do the activity, I proceeded a s it i t were a l r e a d y

completed.

"Stalking with t h e double, comes i n handy when y o u ' r e gong t o

s c h o o l , " E m i l i t o s a i d a f t e r I had explained t o him how I proceeded.
' I t bypasses thought and goes d i r e c t l y t o t h e s o u r c e of energy t h a t
e n a b l e s us t o a c t most e f f i c i e n t l y . ' '

"I guess I do u s e i n t e n t , " I s a i d . " I f I need t o f i n d something,

like a specific blouse to match a s k i r t , s a y o u t loud "I need a
b l o u s e , " o r " f i n d me t h e p e r f e c t b l o u s e , ' and t h e f o r c e o u t t h e r e p u t s
i t i n f r o n t of me by making m e encounter i t sometime d u r i n g t h e c o u r s e

of e v e n t s . I d o n ' t have t o do a n y t h i n g . I t b r i n g s i t t o me."

Kmilito s a i d t h a t w a s the a r t of s t a l k i n g : t o reach the point
when one does n o t h i n g , but a l l o w s t h e power of i n t e n t t o a l t e r r e a l i t y
s o subtly t h a t t h e intended items appear a s elements i n one's daily
Lite. I t i s a harmonious p r o c e s s of changing p e r c e p t i o n v i a t h e f o r c e

o f i n t e n t , something s o m y s t e r i o u s and s u b t l e t h a t i t seems as i f it

comes o u t o t nowhere. K m i l i t o s t r e s s e d t h a t t h a t f o r c e o n l y responds
i f one i s impeccable i n o n e ' s d a i l y l i f e . , and i f one h a s no a t t a c h m e n t

t o things. F e e l i n g s of desperation, o r c l i n g i n g o r greed o r need

w i l l t h w a r t t h e f r e e f l o w i n g energy r e q u i r e d t o r i n t e n t t o respond t o
o n e ' s s i l e n t bidding.
"You must n o t be t h a t unimpeccable," E m i l i t o s a i d , " i f you can
s t a l k i n g w i t h t h e double u s i n g t h e power of i n t e n t . U r perhaps you a r e

t h e a p p l e of someone's eye and someone i s l e n d i n g you t h e i r power."

"What do you mean?" I asked. "Who would be l e n d i n g me t h e i r

power? N e l i d a ?

' I ' m n o t t a l k i n g about N e l i d a , " E m i l i t o s a i d . "She watches over

you, t o see that you d o n ' t s t r a y from the path. T h i s sounds l i k e

something d i t i e r e n t ."
He s n i f f e d t h e a i r a couple of times as if t r y i n g t o determine

something. In tact, he sniffed in all directions a s i f h e were

s m e l l i n g something i n t a n g i b l e .

"What a r e you d o i n g , i i m i l i t o ? " I asked. "Did I torget t o put on

d e o d o r a n t t h i s morning?"

'I wouldn't know about that," he said. "I'm interested in

d e t e r m i n i n g who i s l e n d i n g you t h e i r power?"

"Perhaps i t s M r . A b e l a r , t h e n a g u a l Juan Matus o r t h e new n a g u a l ,

Carlos. "

"Juan Matus is your teactier, t r u e , " E m i l i t o s a i d . "But he is

p r e t t y m i s e r l y w i t h i s power. He w o u l d n ' t lend i t f o r t h e h e l l of it.

And C a r l o s i s in c h a r g e of l e a d i n g you t o freedom. B u t t h i s smells

Like something e l s e . Like someone h a s made you a gift. And you d o n ' t

even know it ."

A l l ot a sudden I was a f r a i d , s e n s i n g something t h a t was beyond

words. I t was s o d a r k , t h a t it came from t h e d a r k n e s s i t s e l f .

"Someone has been t e a c h i n g you t h i n g s a t n i g h t , " E m i l i t o announc-

ed l i k e an o r a c l e . "And I know who it must be."

"Who. E m i l i t o . T e l l me."
 " I t ' s not up t o me t o s p i l l t h e b e a n s , " he s a i d . " I f your t r u e

b e n e t a c t o r wants t o reveal himself, then s o be it. I t n o t , l e t it

remain a s e c r e t . "
A t the mere mention of t h e word ' s e c r e t ' I r e g i s t e r e d a c h i l l .

My whole body s h i v e r e d from t h e marrow of my bones outward. I e x p e r i -

enced what don Juan had c a l l e d t h e ' w a r r i o r ' s s h i v e r ' . He s a i d i t

happened when a force moves the ethereal body directly and s o

p o w e r t u l l y t h a t it i s t h e n r e g i s t e r e d by t h e p h y s i c a l body.
" C a n ' t you t e l l me, who you a r e r e f e r r i n g t o , E m i l i t o . Now I ' m

s c a r e d t o even go t o s l e e p a t n i g h t . "
"And you should be," he s a i d s e r i o u s l y . "Someone has been showing
you how t o manipulate intent. But n o t merely from t h e t r e e t o p s , but
from t h e d e e p e s t l e v e l s of t h e beyond."
' S o how come I d o n ' t remember o r even know what you're talking
a b o u t ? " I asked. "And how come I ' m s t i l l such a s h i t b i r d . "
"Because that someone is teaching your double d i r e c t l y . Very
sneaky. He must come w h i l e you're in a profound sleep. T h a t ' s why
you d o n ' t remember, and t h a t ' s why you can a t f o r d t o be s o i n d u l g i n g .
I f you had a b i t more energy you would be aware and you would know who

I ' m t a l k i n g a b o u t , because you double a l r e a d y knows him i n t i m a t e l y . "

"Him? Is it a h e ? "
I had s t i l l thought it might be Nelida. But whenever s h e comes i n
my d r e a m s , I a m u s u a l l y a w a r e of h e r presence. There i s n o t h i n g s e c r e -
t i v e a b o u t h e r . Un t h e c o n t r a r y , s h e is open and l i g h t h e a r t e d , almost
t o t h e p o i n t of being n u r t u r i n g i n a indifferent sort of way. This
, .
:
?,
. other force sounded a l l too s i n i s t e r . I didn't relish the idea that
 someone o r something was manipulating my energy in my s l e e p . And
e s p e c i a l l y n o t a male f i g u r e .
"Sinister is right," Kmilito said with such an exaggerated
w a r r i o r ' s s h i v e r t h a t h i s body v i b r a t e d from head to toe. i t was s o

comical t h a t i t I laughed o u t of s h e e r nervousness. "The r e a l mystery

i s why would he be a l l t h a t i n t e r e s t e d i n t h e l i k e s of you?"

I d o n ' t know what you a r e t a l k i n g about ," I said. "Nobody i s

interested in me. T h a t ' s j u s t t h e t r o u b l e . I ' m r e a l l y a n inconsequen-

t i a l p i e c e of s h i t overlooked by everyone."
I s a i d t h a t w i t h a l l t h e s e l f - p i t y I could m u s t e r , for I felt I
had been abandoned by E m i l i t o , N e l i d a , C l a r a and don Juan.
8,
Now, now, t r e e d w e l l e r , l e t ' s have none of t h a t s e l f p i t y c r a p , "
E m i l i t o s a i d w i t h a nudge t h a t almost pushed me o f f t h e bench. "No one
abandoned you. You have your own p a t h , and i t ' s n o t h e r e w i t h u s .
Whatever we t e a c h you has t o be t o your dream body o r d o u b l e , and you
d o n ' t have t o be i n Mexico t o r t h a t . "
"Why n o t ? "

"A s t u p i d a question," Emilito said. "Because a s you know very

w e l l , t h e dream body is not bound by s p a c e and time. We c a n meet
anywhere and any t i m e , even t h e c i t y of t h e angels.''
The way he s a i d t h a t , had made Los Angeles sound u t t e r l y enchant-

ing.
"I know t h a t , E m i l i t o . What I meant was why do you have t o teach
t h e double, why c a n ' t you j u s t t e a c h my p h y s i c a l body d i r e c t l y , t h e
way you used t o . Why c a n ' t I s t a y h e r e i n G u a d a l a j a r a w i t h you."

. ,., E m i l i t o gave me mock look o t h o r r o r . "What do you h a v e i n mind?"

he s a i d moving t o h i s s i d e o t t h e bench. "And what makes you t h i n k I
e v e r t a u g h t your p h y s i c a l body? Do you know something t h a t I d o n ' t ? "

"No, I d o n ' t mean it l i k e that. I know y o u ' r e beyond a l l t h a t

male female c r a p , and s o am I. I j u s t d o n ' t l i k e being i n Los Angeles

by myself s o f a r from a l l of you."

"You a r e n o t by y o u r s e l f , now t h a t you have met C a r l o s , t h e young
nagual," Emilito s a i d . "He w i l l Look o u t f o r you. And t h e r e s t of us

a r e always aware of your presence."

"You mean you s e e me?"

"Ut c o u r s e , we s e e your energy body, and we know your i n n e r most

thoughts. "

He raised an eyebrow and shook his head. "So y o u ' d b e t t e r

c o n t i n u e r e c a p i t u l a t i n g . The s t r o n g e r your i n t e n t gets the p u r e r you
have t o be ."
I told E m i l i t o about something t h a t had been t r o u b l i n g me. I had
a p a r t time job i n a t y p i n g p o o l w h i l e going t o s c h o o l , and e v e r y t i m e
I parked my c a r t o go t o work, a young man, s l i g h t l y r e t a r d e d and
p e r h a p s homeless would be w a i t i n g on t h e corner asking i f he could
c l e a n my windshields t o r some money. For a w h i l e I s i m p l y l e t him
c l e a n them and gave him a few d o l l a r s i n return. But s i n c e I drove
there tour o r f i v e t i m e s a week, I d i d n ' t need my w i n d s h i e l d c l e a n e d
each t i m e , s o I would s a y , no thank you. Sometimes, I t e l t sorry for
h i m and gave him some money anyway. e s p e c i a l l y a f t e r he had t o l d me he

had t o be c a r e f u l what he a t e because he s u f f e r e d from stomach u l c e r s .

The thought t h a t h e had b l e e d i n g u l c e r s , t h e way my o l d e r b r o t h e r

had a s a t e e n a g e r , made t h e s i t u a t i o n a i l t h e more p o i g n a n t . I wanted

t o g i v e him a l l t h e money I h a d , y e t a t t h e same t i m e I was on a t i g h t

2Yb
s t u d e n t ' s budget and had t o w a t c h w h a t I s p e n t , and I d i d n ' t want my
windows cleaned s o I was a t a l o s s a s t o what t o do. It got t o the
point t h a t I dreaded d r i v i n g up t o t h e p a r k i n g l o t of my work, f o r I

d i d n o t want t o s e e t h i s person.

To avoid e n c o u n t e r i n g him, I went so f a r as t o p a r k down t h e

s t r e e t , but he would f i n d me anyway on my way home. He would s a y ,
" t h e r e ' s my l a d y - f r i e n d , " i n such a pleasant tone t h a t made me f e e l

like a rat if I didn't g i v e him. any money, and angry it I did. I

became s o g u i l t y and annoyed w i t h t h i s r o u t i n e t h a t one day I stopped
in my t r a c t s when I was out o t s i g h t , and s a i d i n a loud v o i c e ,

"Enough i s enough, I d o n ' t e v e r want t o s e e t h a t p e r s o n a g a i n . "

The n e x t day I was r e l i e v e d t o s e e t h a t t h e young man w a s n ' t on
t h e s t r e e t corner. But I d i d n ' t t h i n k anything of i t e x p e c t i n g t o s e e
him t h e r e t h e n e x t day. But I d i d n ' t . I though he was on v a c a t i o n ,
a l t h o u g h where o r how I couldn't fathom. ~ f t e ra week of n o t s e e i n g
him, I was a f r a i d he might be ill and f e l t doubly g u i l t y . A s t i m e went
on t h e young man d i d n ' t r e t u r n . I n f a c t , I n e v e r saw him a g a i n .

When I . finished my account, E m i l i t o s h o o k h i s head. "Now I ' m

c e r t a i n t h a t someone has been t e a c h i n g you t o s t a l k with t h e double..
Those t h i n g s d o n ' t j u s t happen j u s t l i k e t h a t . "
"What do you think happened to that man, E m i l i t o ? ; I asked

f e e l i n g alarmed. "Why d i d n ' t he e v e r come back?"

" I t makes no d i f f e r e n c e what happened t o him," Emilito said."He

may have gone on v a c a t i o n t h e y way you would have l i k e d t o b e l i e v e ; o r

he maybe he was h i t by a c a r w h i l e washing a windshield; o r perhaps

he move t o a s t r e e t c o r n e r where b u s i n e s s was b e t t e r . O r maybe he died

 o t h i s ulcers or o t malnutrition. Whatever happened t o him i s n o t t h e

i s s u e here."
"What a r e you s a y i n g ? " I asked. "What i s t h e i s s u e ? "
'The f a c t t h a t you n e v e r l a i d eyes on him a g a i n , means t h a t you

were c a p a b l e of a l t e r i n g t h e t l o w of i n t e n t . By v o i c i n g your d e s i r e ,
you moved something. Your i n t e n t moved t h a t young man away from t h a t

s t r e e t c o r n e r . How o r t o what i t was moved, makes no d i f f e r e n c e .

"I d i d n ' t want h i m t o come t o any harm," I protested. 'I ~ u s t
d i d n ' t want him t o keep b o t h e r i n g me. You y o u r s e l f s a i d t h a t a s t a l k e r
should never be s u b j e c t t o r o u t i n e s . And g i v i n g him money e v e r y time
I saw him, was a r o u t i n e . "

"That's precisely what I ' m s a y i n g . You were a b l e t o disrupt a

1 r o u t i n e by a l t e r i n g t h e flow of intent. That is stalking with the

double. And someone has been t e a c h i n g you how t o do t h a t . "
'I still d o n ' t t h i n k it had a n y t h i n g t o do w i t h me," I s a i d . "It
could have been c o i n c i d e n c e . He probably had somewhere e l s e t o go."

"Call it coincidence, w i t c h c r a f t , sorcery o r whatever you l i k e , ' '

Kmilito said. "The p o i n t is t h a t you n e v e r saw t h e young man a g a i n .
Who g i v e s a t i g what t h e reason is o r what e x p l a n a t i o n you want t o

use. And your u n e a s i n e s s i s an i n d i c a t i o n t h a t you had something t o d o

w i t h i t whether you a r e aware o t it o r n o t . "
"Who do you think is teaching me this?" I asked s t i l l not

convinced.
"I a l r e a d y t o l d you i t ' s not t o r me t o s a y , " he r e p l i e d . "But

t h e r e i s a n o t h e r s e c r e t t h a t I can r e v e a l t o you, i t you f o l l o w me."

I " I ' d r a t h e r w a i t f o r C a r l o s t o come back. i f i t ' s a l l t h e same t o

you," I s a i d a f r a i d of what K m i l i t o might r e v e a l t o me.
 The orchestra had stopped p l a y i n g long ago. E m i l i t o popped up
from t h e bench and s a i d we could n o t wait t o r Carlos t o return. It

was g e t t i n g dark and he wanted t o t a k e me t o meet h i s f r i e n d who l i v e d

i n a house nearby. He p o i n t e d t o t h e west and s a i d t h a t i t we craned
our n e c k s , we could see the house trom where we were s t a n d i n g . I

could s e e t h e corner of a wooden balcony, i t was only a b i t of r a i l i n g

t h a t showed, and t h e r e s t was covered by t h e a d j a c e n t b u i l d i n g s . To my

s u r p r i s e he was p o i n t i n g t o t h e house behind t h e one on t h e c o r n e r ;

t h e house t h a t had t h e balcony w i t h f l o w e r s , t h e one I had l i k e d s o
much upon a r r i v i n g a t t h e p l a z a .

"Who l i v e s t h e r e ? " I asked. "And are you sure Carlos w i l l be.

t h e r e w a i t i n g t o r us ."
"A beautiful lady," Emilito s a i d . "And I ' m a b s o l u t e l y c e r t a i n
Carlos w i l l be t h e r e . But w i l l he be w a i t i n g t o r us? I v e r y much

doubt i t . He's probably e n j o y i n g h i m s e l f t o o much."

He said that with a w o l f - l i k e wink t h a t implied a l l s o r t s of
devilish things. I experienced a wave ot jealousy that was t o o
obvious t o hide. E m i l i t o shook h i s head t o r he knew he had h i t a s o r e

s p o t . From h i s chuckle, I c o u l d t e l l he had been deliberately putting

my c l a i m t o being detached a s a woman' t o t h e t e s t ; I had f a i l e d miser-

ably.
We walked t o t h e house i n s i l e n c e . He had such a s p r i t e s u r e g a i t
that I had t o make an e f f o r t t o keep up w i t h him s o I would n o t g e t
l o s t i n t h e crowd and end up i n a n unknown place. Along t h e way he
said t h a t he had something t h a t h e wanted t o show me, something o n l y
, .,
t o r t h e eyes 0% t h e double o r dream body and t h a t we had t o hurry for
t w i l i g h t was t h e b e s t t i m e t o w i t n e s s such s i g h t s .

2YY
 The Energy Body

Nelida led me to the top of the bluff from where I had seen the

ruins. She said it was a place the ancient sorcerers called a twin
power spot. Ã

W h y do they call it a power spot?" I asked stopping to catch my

breath. I looked back across the valley. I could see the trail winding
along the red rimmed canyon. I was surprised at how much distance we

1 had covered in a short time.

wThe ancient sorcerers have imbued the rocks and earth with their
intent," Nelida said. T h e columns and the point on the bluff from
where you saw the ruins, form an energetic arch that allowed your
energy body to be pulled away from its moorings. Returning to that
place, will seal your energy body and fill it with vitality. However,
I wouldn't recommend spending the night there."
"Why is that?"
"Because the somber mood of the ancient sorcerers would derail
you from your purpose," Nelida said. "You are somber enough as it is.
You don't need to be pushed over the brink."
I laughed nervously. I was standing dangerously close to the edge
where one false step lead to a sharp drop of hundreds of feet. I saw
\ ominous boulders that seemed to have been lodged below by a torrential
flood. Now a stream meandered in an uneven course. It was hard to
 believe t h a t a r i v e r had c u t s o d e e p l y i n t o t h e m o u n t a i n s i d e . Now t h e

s t r e a m a p p e a r e d t o be t r a p p e d down t h e r e w i t h n o hope o f e s c a p e .

N e l i d a p o i n t e d t o a f l a t mesa a c r o s s t h e r a v i n e and s a i d , "That

is t h e place over there."

I t frightens me t o go back t h e r e , " I t o l d N e l i d a , moving away

from t h e e d g e . "Somehow, t h a t p l a c e d i d n ' t seem f r i e n d l y t o m e . "

Nelida gave m e a sideways glance.

"What makes you t h i n k t h a t p l a c e s o f power have t o be f r i e n d l y ,

e s p e c i a l l y t h e t w i n power s p o t s of t h e a n c i e n t s o r c e r e r s ? A l l that is

n e e d e d f o r a p l a c e t o be u s e f u l i s t h a t t h e r e is a particular intent

flowing from t h e e a r t h . "

W
e continued t o make o u r way t o t h e a r e a f r o m w h e r e I had s e e n

the ruins. My t h i g h s were b u r n i n g . I had t o s t o p e v e r y f i f t e e n s t e p s

o r so for the c l i m b was decidedly uphill. N e l i d a had g i v e n m e a

b o t t l e of P i e n a f i e l water which s h e told me to sip slowly. I had

g o t t e n t o t h e l a s t d r o p and was a b o u t t o t o s s t h e b o t t l e away when s h e

s t o p p e d me w i t h a s t r o n g g r a s p on my arm.

'You must a c t i m p e c c a b l y , " s h e s a i d . " T h a t means leaving nothing

behind. ''
I tied the empty bottle to a belt l o o p o f my j e a n s and w e

continued walking. When w e g o t t o t h e f l a t a r e a , N e l i d a t o o k a s e r i e s

of deep b r e a t h s and a s k e d me if I noticed anything p a r t i c u l a r about

the place. I i n h a l e d a few t i m e s t h e n t o l d h e r that the a i r seemed

t o be t h i n n e r , clearer and more t r a n s p a r e n t ; I was n o l o n g e r t i r e d .

"You a r e r i g h t , " Nelida s a i d . "The a i r h e r e i s l i g h t , n o t h e a v y

' l i k e . t h e a i r you a r e a c c u s t o m e d to breathing. This air h a s been

 p u r i f i e d through the sorcerers' intent so t h a t only t h e e s s e n c e of
v i t a l i t y remains."
I w a s n ' t p r e p a r e d t o go a s f a r as a t t r i b u t i n g my renewed w e l l -

being t o the essence of v i t a l i t y , b u t b r e a t h i n g t h e a i r d i d seem t o

e n e r g i z e m e . N e l i d a urged me t o f i l l my lungs with the life-giving
charge. A s I breathed, s h e d i s c l o s e d t h a t t h e a n c i e n t s o r c e r e r s used
t o p r a c t i c e t h e i r dreaming h e r e and t h a t they dwelled i n t h e caves

t h a t d o t t e d t h e mountainside.
'Why d i d t h e y p i c k t h i s p l a c e i n p a r t i c u l a r as t h e i r power s p o t ? "
Â

I asked.

We s a t down on a f l a t r o c k t h a t had a s l i g h t d e p r e s s i o n i n i t , a s

if t h e r o c k had been c a r v e d o u t f o r s i t t i n g . Although, I c o u l d n ' t h e l p

I
n o t i c i n g t h a t whoever had s a t t h e r e b e f o r e had l a r g e r b u t t o c k s .
T h e r e are certain natural cracks in the crust of the earth

t h r o u g h which one can s l i p , " Nelida said. T h e a n c i e n t s e e r s were

experts a t finding these c r a c k s and a t stepping t h r o u g h them. They
handed down this knowledge Irom generation t o generation. e are
W

s i t t i n g on o n e s u c h c r a c k now."
I jumped up. N e l i d a l a u g h e d and said it was not a geological

c r a c k o r f a u l t l i n e , b u t an opening i n t h e e a r t h ' s energy c r u s t .

"Were the sorcerers that l i v e d h e r e hermits?" I asked s i t t i n g
down a g a i n .
"Many of them w e r e , " she admitted. "Just as are many of t h e
modern s o r c e r e r s t h a t u s e t h e s e c a v e s t o d a y . But t h e y are r e c l u s e s n o t
because they l i v e alone or are holy men, but because t h e y have
, s u c c e e d e d i n d e t a c h i n g t h e m s e l v e s f r o m human c o n c e r n s . "
"Why i s t h a t . A r e s o r c e r e r s misanthropic?"

252
 N e l i d a s h o o k h e r h e a d , b r o u g h t h e r k n e e s t o h e r c h e s t and wrapped

h e r arms a r o u n d h e r c a l v e s . I copied her posture. Immediately, I felt

a warm buzzing s e n s a t i o n i n my c h e s t and abdomen, which h e a t e d me up

i n s p i t e o f t h e wind t h a t blew a r o u n d u s .

S o r c e r e r s a r e not misanthropic," she said with a glint. "We

enjoy ourselves immensely i n t h e company of o t h e r s . Our t e a c h e r , t h e

nagual J u l i a n , often entertained h i s guests with elaborate tableaus

and hilarious theatrical presentations. Yet i n t h e m i d s t o f t h i s

r e v e l r y , he managed t o r e m a i n d e t a c h e d from p e o p l e . S o r c e r e r s , even

though t h e y may a p p e a r t o be o r d i n a r y men and women, are not l i k e .

o t h e r people a t all."

"What makes them d i f f e r e n t ? "

" L i v i n g on t h e i r place of power, l e a r n i n g from t h e e a r t h , and

seeing energy directly makes them regard e v e r y t h i n g a s f l u i d and

temporary. Through t h e r e c a p i t u l a t i o n , a s o r c e r e r b r e a k s h i s t i e s w i t h

t h e w o r l d and w i t h t h e s e l f . A s h e s t r a t e g i c a l l y c u t s h i m s e l f o f f from

extraneous disturbances, he s i m p l i f i e s his l i f e and h i s d e s i r e s . He

s e a l s himself o f f f r o m human c o n c e r n s . and v e r y d e l i b e r a t e l y c a s t s and

secures a mysterious l i n e .

"Is i t an e n e r g y l i n e ? " I a s k e d .

'Yes, b u t n o t t o t h e ' e a r t h o r t o people. It is a line linking

him d i r e c t i n g t o intent. When h i s change i s c o m p l e t e , h e c a n r e t u r n

t o t h e world of p e o p l e and y e t remain a p a r t from them. No m a t t e r

where h e i s , alone or i n t h e company of o t h e r s , h i s o n l y bond i s t o

i n t e n t , a n d o n l y t h e s p i r i t c a n l a y c l a i m on him."

I f e l t a s u d d e n s h i v e r a t t h e f i n a l i t y and t h e loneliness such a

bond e n t a i l e d .
 " L e t ' s b u i l d a f i r e , " N e l i d a s u g g e s t e d a s i f s e n s i n g my mood.

I helped h e r g a t h e r d r y wood and a r r a n g e i t i n a p i l e . She a s k e d

m e f o r some m a t c h e s and s t r u c k one to a branch. The fire made a

crackling sound that sent sparks flying u p w a r d . Soon a warm g l o w

f i l l e d the clearing. I told her that don Juan had said that the

ancient sorcerers knew how t o f o r e t e l l t h e f u t u r e from t h e d i s t r i b u -

t i o n of e m b e r s as t h e f i r e had b u r n e d o u t .

"The o l d s o r c e r e r s knew a g r e a t d e a l a b o u t a g r e a t many t h i n g s , "

N e l i d a s a i d a s s h e t o s s e d a n o t h e r branch o n t o t h e f l a m e s . "They c o u l d

e x a m i n e t h e r e m a i n s of t h e b u r n t b r a n c h e s and f o r e t e l l t h e f u t u r e . "

"How c o u l d anyone t e l l t h e f u t u r e from b i t s of charred wood?" I

w a n t e d t o know.

Nelida s a i d that the s o r c e r e r s who knew t h e t e c h n i q u e c o u l d n o t

o n l y p r e d i c t e v e n t s t o come, b u t c o u l d examine t h e current state of

a f f a i r s i n o r d e r t o a v o i d c a l a m i t i e s or unwanted o c c u r r e n c e s .

"A person with the facility, l o o k s a t t h e a r r a n g e m e n t of t h e

d y i n g e m b e r s and b r a n c h e s , a n d t h e powers of f i r e and wood t e l l him

what h e w a n t s t o know."

' D o you know how t o do t h i s ? "

N e l i d a nodded. " I t h a s t o d o w i t h how t h e b r a n c h e s l i e a f t e r t h e

f i r e h a s g o n e o u t a n d t h e p a t t e r n t h e d y i n g s p a r k s make t h a t g i v e s t h e

clue. For example, i f the f i r e goes o u t s u d d e n l y and f i v e b r a n c h e s

remain glowing, then something sudden o r on a grandiose s c a l e w i l l

occur. "
"How d o you know t h a t ? " I a s k e d s t a r i n g a t t h e f i r e .
, , "Because a l l of the five d i r e c t i o n s a r e l i t up a t o n c e , " s h e

replied. I f , on the other hand, t h e f i r e burns down s l o w l y , a n d

254
t h e r e are many b r a n c h e s s t i l l l e f t k i n d l e d , making a c i r c u l a r p a t t e r ,

t h e n t h e t u r n of e v e n s w i l l be g r a d u a l and f o r t h e b e t t e r . "

N e l i d a a d d e d t h a t t h e d i r e c t i o n t h e c h a r r e d b r a n c h e s are p o i n t i n g

is a l s o an i n d i c a t i o n . A l a r g e b r a n c h p o i n t i n g n o r t h , s i g n i f i e s g r e a t

upheaval o r a c t i v i t y ; t h e e a s t is the direction o f dawn and wisdom,

t h e south o f warmth a n d n u r t u r e n c e , a n d t h e w e s t o f i n t r o s p e c t i o n and

mystery.

"Now, i f a branch is p o i n t i n g s t r a i g h t up, o r i f a gust of wind

s u d d e n l y blows t h e f i r e o u t , y o u ' r e i n deep t r o u b l e . "

"Why i s t h a t ? '

"Intent is indicating the direction of t h e z e n i t h , and t h a t

a l w a y s means g i a n t movement."

1 s t i l l d o n ' t see what a f i r e h a s t o d o w i t h e v e n t s that affect

human b e i n g s ? "

'Our b o d i e s , t h e elements, t h e e n e r g y of f i r e , t h e f o u r compass

p o i n t s a l l merge i n t o o n e , " N e l i d a explained. "That is how we c a n

examine t h e a r r a n g e m e n t of t h e c h a r r e d wood and see how i t r e l a t e s t o

our lives."

She s a i d i t w a s a m i s t a k e t o regard o u r s e l v e s as s e p a r a t e from

t h e elements, f o r t h e same f o r c e s t h a t move t h e f i r e , r u l e o u r e n e r g y

bodies.

"The r e a s o n we t h i n k o u r s e l v e s as s e p a r a t e f r o m e v e r y t h i n g e l s e , "

Nelida explained, " i s p r e c i s e l y b e c a u s e we a r e t h i n k i n g . I t is thought

t h a t s e p a r a t e s us from the t o t a l i t y a n d makes us forget o u r common

origin ."
She drew closer t o t h e f i r e a n d t o l d m e t o e x t e n d my h a n d s n e a r

t h e flames.

255
 "You c a n p u l l t h e e n e r g y of t h e f i r e i n t o y o u r body t h r o u g h y o u r

palms," s h e suggested. Allow the heat t o merge w i t h y o u r body t o

w a r m you. "

I h e l d o u t my p a l m s , a n d f e l t t h e warmth of t h e f i r e flow i n t o my

hands, u n t i l I was s o h o t I began t o p e r s p i r e . I n o l o n g e r n e e d e d my

poncho a n d t o o k i t o f f .

W e a r e a l l made u p o f l i g h t , " N e l i d a c o n t i n u e d . "Light a c t i v a t e s

our energy body and even though w e h a v e a human f o r m , t o a s o r c e r e r

who s e e s , w e are e s s e n t i a l l y f i l a m e n t s of l i g h t . " Â

N e l i d a c a l l e d o u r human s i d e o u r a p e ' s h e r i t a g e , adding t h a t our

a n i m a l h e r i t a g e makes u s a c t i n a n u n r u l y f a s h i o n .

"We h a v e a n o t h e r s i d e t h a t i s t o t a l l y h i d d e n . "

"How do you know this other side exists i f i t s completely

hidden?" I wanted t o know.

" S o r c e r e r s s e e i t , a n d we a l l know it i s t h e r e , " she assured me.

B u t near as i t is--for i t i s o u r v e r y selves--!! always remains' o u t

of reach. A s l o n g as w e c l i n g t o o u r a p e f o r m , we can never tap that

o t h e r p a r t , t h e p a r t t h a t sorcerers c a l l t h e e n e r g y b o d y o r double."

I s i g h e d and l o o k e d a t t h e g l o w i n g e m b e r s .

"We all long for something just out of r e a c h , " Nelida s a i d

s e n s i n g my mood. "We see p o s s i b i l i t i e s i n our d r e a m s ; we w i s h t o be

more e n e r g e t i c , b u t w e a l w a y s t r y t o f i n d f u l f i l l m e n t i n t h e t h i n g s of

t h e world. Hence, we a r e doomed t o f a i l . "

"Why i s t h a t ? "

B e c a u s e t h e p a r t t h a t w e a r e l o o k i n g f o r t o make u s complete is

not in the world," she said. "That p a r t i s t h e e n e r g y body.. It

 belongs to the realm of pure energy. To tap it, we must turn our eyes
else where. "
Nelida said that only the recapitulation enables us to see that
the physical and intellectual holdings that we have so assiduously
amassed are a mirage in front of the eyes. Yet we cling to them as if
our very survival depended on it, even though it is only an illusory
agrement based on our sharing of a common perceptual framework.
"Why is the recapitulation so important?" I asked.
"The recapitulation allows you to build an energy platform from
Â

which you can asses the concerns and experiences that you call your
life. In other words, the recapitulation allows you the opportunity
to come into contact with the other."
W h a t is the other like?"
Nelida looked at me thought the glow of the dying embers.
"It is the light that moves us before it has been molded by
interpretations. There is nothing worse than for our energy to be
limited by the circumstances of our life. From infancy, we become
shaped and contorted by labels, unti.1 we think our personal self is
all there is, and we completely lose sight of our energy being or
double. "
"Can you give me a concrete example?" I asked stretching my legs
that were beginning to cramp from sitting on hard granite.
"For example, take not having possessions," she said.
"Aren't things important?" I asked. "You see so much poverty in
the world. Who can blame people for wanting a better way of life?"
"Many of the sorcerers in our lineage experienced poverty, yet
..
they themselves were not destitute."
 I a r g u e d t h a t a c h i l d who knows o n l y p o v e r t y h a s n o d e f e n s e s . Its

e n t i r e w o r l d becomes meager and p o o r . N e l i d a nodded.

"Worse y e t , her s p i r i t becomes p e t t y , g r e e d y and t w i s t e d , " she

s a i d l o o k i n g s t r a i g h t a t me. "Material blight brought on by l i f e ' s

circumstances is n o t h i n g compared t o p o o r n e s s of t h e s p i r i t . Whereas

t h e p o o r o r h u n g r y body c a n b e h e a l e d with proper nourishment, t h e r e

is no cure f o r a meager s p i r i t . I t h a s o n l y u n f u l f i l l m e n t and m i s e r y

awaiting it ."
I wanted t o know i f it was p o s s i b l e t o avoid p o o r n e s s of t h e

s p i r i t i f o n e was born i n t o a s i t u a t i o n o f m a t e r i a l b l i g h t .

I f you h a v e enough e n e r g y , you c a n b e u n t o u c h e d by a n y t h i n g , "

Nelida assured m e , "even i f you are surrounded by poor and p e t t y

, ,
people."
.. .

Nelida s a i d that to a sorcerer who s e e s , a l l things a r e equal

because they a r e energy. Therefore a sorcerer living in a shack

c o n s i d e r s h i m s e l f w e a l t h y w h i l e an o r d i n a r y person l i v i n g i n t h e c i t y

may r e g a r d h i m s e l f p o o r e v e n though. h e h a s a house f u l l of f u r n i t u r e

a n d a c l o s e t f u l l of c l o t h e s .

Who d o you t h i n k is p o o r e r ? " N e l i d a a s k e d , " t h e sorcerer i n t h e

mountains o r t h e person i n t h e c i t y ? "

I t o l d h e r t h a t ' even though h e h a s more, t h e person i n the city

w a s p o o r e r , t h i n k i n g t h a t t h a t was what s h e wanted t o h e a r .

N e l i d a shook h e r h e a d . "As long a s a person has not detached h i s

e n e r g y body f r o m t h e i d e a o f p o v e r t y o r r i c h e s ; a s l o n g as he has not

r e c a p i t u l a t e d h i s l i f e , h e i s p o o r of s p i r i t , " she said.

S o m e t h i n g s h e s a i d a b o u t b e i n g d e t a c h e d from r i c h e s , c a l l e d f o r t h

a childhood incident. Sometimes, f o r no a p p a r e n t r e a s o n , my f a t h e r

258
 :.,
~....,..... .

would b e i n g home a box o f french pastries. My b r o t h e r s a n d I would

s t a n d a r o u n d t h e t a b l e a n d a r g u e o v e r who would g e t which p i e c e , f o r

t h e r e was o n l y o n e p e r p e r s o n . I wanted t o e a t a l l of them o r a t l e a s t

more t h a n o n e b u t I had t o w a i t u n t i l it was my t u r n t o chose, f o r

invariable age took precedent. I would b e l a s t a n d a l l t h e good

c r e a m y p a s t r i e s had a l r e a d y been s e l e c t e d by my b r o t h e r s , f a t h e r and

mother. I would be l e f t w i t h t h e f r u i t t a r t , o r a n egg c u s t a r d when I

would k i l l f o r t h e cream p u f f o r chocolate e c l a i r my b r o t h e r s were

eating.
?

Why d i d you f r e t s o , " Nelida a s k e d when I t o l d h e r t h e s t o r y .

" D i d n ' t you know t h a t pastries are all the same. I t d i d n ' t matter

whi.ch o n e you p i c k e d o r what was l e f t i n t h e box."

I argued that they were not all the same a t a l l . Some had

c h o c o l a t e i c i n g , o t h e r s had v a n i l l a cream, and t h e n a p o l e o n t h a t my

f a t h e r always c h o s e , had a flaky crust. But N e l i d a i n s i s t e d t h a t I

was b e i n g arbitrary in saying that one was i n t r i n s i c a l l y more

d e s i r e a b l e than t h e o t h e r .

"They a r e a l l made. w i t h f l o u r , s u g a r , e g g s and m i l k , " s h e s a i d .

'Only t h e i r appearance v a r i e s . Why w r i n g your i n s i d e s for a slight

v a r i a t i o n i n outer appearance?"

I had never thought of i t t h a t way. Looked a t f r o m a d e t a c h e d

p e r s p e c t i v e , t h e y a l l had been p r e t t y much t h e same. What made o n e o r

a n o t h e r b e t t e r , w a s my b r o t h e r s i n s i s t i n g t h a t t h e i r p a s t r y w a s b e t t e r

t h a n mine. To c o v e t one and t u r n my n o s e u p on a n o t h e r was b e i n g

a r b i t r a r y and p e t t y .

"You should have let your b r o t h e r s r a v e a l l t h e y w a n t e d , and

 still enjoy the one you had," she said. "You could have practiced
being indifferent to their mesmeric commands."
"All I knew was I hated them for taking the best pieces," I said
B u t now I see that you are right; flour, milk and sugar are the same
no matter What shape you put them in."
"Only when a person has found that common ground in which all
things are equal, is he truly free," Nelida said. "For then he has
liberated himself form the circumstances of life that place limits on
his possibilities." ?

Nelida stood up and walked to the edge of the clearing. She

looked down at the bottom of the ravine. I had the sense that the
stream was imprisoned by the massive canyon walls.
"Our energy body is like that stream," she said pointing down.
The sides of the canyon are the circumstances of our lives that
imprison us. liven when we look up, all we see are our prison walls.
Our only hope for freedom is to flow steadily onward with an unbending
intent.
W e have to have courage and optimism, especially when we begin
recapitulating our lives," Nelida continued. "We must know that the

walls around us are illusory; they cannot mold us forever; they cannot
detain us on our journey. Like the stream, our energy must flow onward
<

and not avoid any nook or cranny, but not linger either lest we never
reach our final destination."
"What is that?" I asked.
"The s e a , " Nelida said. "The vast eternal sea."
Nelida left me alone on the hilltop to regroup my energy. She
had said she was going to do some sorcery not-doings in one of the

260
nearby caves. I wanted d e s p e r a t e l y t o go w i t h h e r b u t s h e i n s i s t e d I

s i t q u i e t l y a n d l e t t h e power of t h e p l a c e e n e r g i z e me. To w h i l e away

the time, I gazed at a s t a g n a n t p o o l , l e f t o v e r from a r e c e n t r a i n .

I n i t I c o u l d see r e f l e c t e d t h e n e a r b y b o u l d e r s and a scraggly toyan

tree. For a w h i l e , I watched t h e r o c k s shimmering i n t h e g r e e n - b l a c k

liquid. A b l a d e of s u n l i g h t piercing the branches made t h e water

ripple. I gazed a t the pool for a l o n g t i m e ; t h e movement i n it

seemed t o be m e s m e r i z i n g me a n d b e a r i n g a s i l e n t m e s s a g e .

I looked up a t the trees and rocks from where the s u n was

Â

s h i n i n g . They were t h e same t r e e s and r o c k s I had s e e n r e f l e c t e d i n

t h e p o o l of w a t e r , and y e t t h e y were not. T h e r e was another world,

a n d t h e r e f l e c t i o n s of t h i n g s w a s i t s e n t r a n c e . What w e c a l l t h e real

w o r l d was made u p of s u b s t a n c e s , t h i n g s l i k e t r e e s and r o c k s and w a t e r

that we c o u l d name, y e t they w e r e as i l l u s o r y a s t h e images i n t h e

p o o l of w a t e r .

I s t o o d up and began t o practice some sorcery passes. I made

vertical figure eights i n the air w i t h my palm. I e x t e n d e d my arms

a n d s q u e e z e d my s h o u l d e r b l a d e s t o s t r e n g t h e n my c l o a k of c o n f i d e n c e .

I picked up t h e energy s p a r k from t h e e a r t h w i t h my f i n g e r t i p s a n d

b r o u g h t them t o my f o r e h e a d . When I h a d f i n i s h e d moving, I began t o

s e a r c h t h e u n d e r b r u s h f o r a p l a n t N e l i d a h a d a s k e d me t o g a t h e r . When

I had a b u n d l e f u l l I f o u n d N e l i d a s i t t i n g on a rock s i f s h e had

w a i t i n g t o r m e t o p a s s t h a t way.

"Did you f i n d t h e h e r b I a s k e d you t o l o o k f o r ? " s h e a s k e d .

I told her I had some i n my knapsack. I t was e x t r e m e l y f o u l

s m e l l i n g and would no d o u b t s t i n k up t h e bag f o r weeks t o come.

"What a r e you g o i n g t o d o w i t h t h e p l a n t s ? " I a s k e d .

261
 I ' m going to make a paste to rub on the infected bits on your
legs," she said. "An added advantage is that it will keep the body
hair from growing back, so you wont have to shave your legs."
I wonder how she knew I had scabs and cuts from continually
shaving them with dull razor blades I was too lazy or cheap to
replace.
As Nelida took the herbs, I told her about the realization I had
had with the sun's reflections in the puddle of water. She shrugged
unimpressed. Â

"When the mind and body are at ease, a tiny crack is created and
an insight can slip through," she said. "That's why I keep urging
you to be silent and let the voice of the spirit tell you what's what.
Otherwise you will never grasp anything."
She handed me a strip of dried meat, similar to the meat that don
Juan had given me. I wondered it it came from the same hatch of power
meat. I ate with gusto. Walking had made me hungry. Nelida leaned
back against a tree trunk and said she wanted to tell me more about
the voice of seeing which was another way of talking about the voice
of the spirit. She agreed that the insight I had had at the pool of
water was a start but there was much more to it.
W h a t do you think causes someone lift her head and look at the
sun?" Nelida asked gazing at me intently. "When all her life she only
looked at her reflection in a stagnant pool of water? What makes a
person suddenly turn in the direction of the other?"
I ventured a guess. "Perhaps, the person got bored looking.at
his own reflection," 1 said, using the masculine gender to counter her
use of the feminine.
262
 "But t h e p e r s o n d o e s n ' t know t h a t what s h e sees are only r e f l e c -

t i o n s ? " Nelida argued. "She thinks t h a t t h i s is a l l there is t o the

world . "

"Might h e h a v e t u r n e d h i s e y e s by c h a n c e o r by l u c k ? " 1 asKed.

C o u l d be," she agreed. "But t h e r e i s y e t a n o t h e r p o s s i b i l i t y . "

She w a i t e d f o r me t o make a n o t h e r s u g g e s t i o n .

"Maybe, t h e s u n was s o b r i g h t , i t p u l l e d t h e p e r s o n ' s e y e s t o w a r d

i t , " I offered.

N e l i d a nodded; her eyes began t o sparkled. "You're r i g h t , " she

said. "The s u n p u l l e d h e r e y e s w i t h i t s b r i l l i a n c e . "

Nelida explained t h a t t h e sun, i n t h i s case, was what s o r c e r e r s

c a l l intent. When o n e h a s p o l i s h e d o n e ' s l i n k t o i n t e n t , t h e power o f

. i n t e n t i s s t r o n g enough t o p u l l o n e ' s e y e s away f r o m self reflection.

Before t h i s c a n o c c u r , t h e body and mind must b e p u r i f i e d t h r o u g h t h e

r e c a p i t u l a t i o n and t h e s o r c e r y p a s s e s .

'By p r a c t i c i n g t h e s o r c e r y p a s s e s and by c l e a n i n g t h e l i n e s of

the past using the sweeping b r e a t h , by becoming o n e w i t h y o u r a c t i v -

a t e s , w h e t h e r it i s s t u d y i n g , sewing, drawing, or a n y t h i n g e l s e you

might do, you t r a n s f o r m yourself. Provided, of c o u r s e , t h a t you do

t h e s e t h i n g s w i t h t h e s o r c e r e r s ' purpose."

'What i s t h e s o r c e r e r ' s p u r p o s e ? "

"To e v o l v e , " N e l i d a s a i d . "To wake up i n t e n t s o t h a t o n e c a n see

the world through lucid eyes. The e y e s of t h e o r d i n a r y p e r s o n are

clouded w i t h thoughts; h i s f e e l i n g s are twisted with concerns. You

must f i r s t clear a path to i n t e n t , b e f o r e i t c a n b e g i n t o p u l l you.

. ' t Then you c a n g r a d u a l l y t a p t h e e n e r g y body, and when it i s as bright
..

a s t h e s u n , you l e t go of t h e s e l f a n d a l l o w i n t e n t t o move you."

263
 "How d o e s it move you?" I a s k e d .

'With e n e r g y , my d e a r . With e n e r g y . Once you abandon t h e r e a s o n -

i n g mind t h a t makes e v e r y t h i n g f a c t u a l , i n t e n t p u l l s you t o the side

of s h e e r energy."

Nelida s a i d t h a t it t a k e s a g r e a t deal of r e c a p i t u l a t i n g t o l e t

go of o n e ' s judgments, o p i n i o n s , and our incessant need f o r c o n t r o l .

But o n c e o n e makes the crossing, it i s a s i f o n e had a l w a y s u n d e r -

s t o o d , o n l y b e f o r e , one h a d n ' t t h e power to see that nothing ever

e x i s t e d i n a n y o t h e r way. Ã

" C o n c e n t r a t e on intending a bridge t o t h e energy body," Nelida

advised. "Do t h e s o r c e r y passes, then use t h e i r energy and i n t e n t t o

c r o s s over t o the other side in full awareness. Only t h e n c a n you

1 e s c a p e t h e f a t e t h a t a w a i t s you as a human b e i n g . ' '

"What f a t e a w a i t s me?" I a s k e d w i t h a shiver. I feared t h a t she

had s e e n something i n the charred e m b e r s o f t h e f i r e a n d knew some-

thing I didn't.

"The f a t e of y o u r p a r e n t s , n a t u r a l l y . "

I t h o u g h t a b o u t my p a r e n t s . My m o t h e r h a d d i e d o f cancer a f t e r a

long bout of i l l n e s s . My f a t h e r d i e d o f c i r r h o s i s o f t h e l i v e r a f t e r

m o n t h s of e x c r u c i a t i n g p a i n . I f r o z e a t t h e t h o u g h t of what f a t e had

i n s t o r e f o r me, i f I f a i l e d t o make t h e c r o s s i n g .

Prolonged illness and d e a t h are a l l you h a v e t o l o o k forward

t o , " N e l i d a s a i d r e a d i n g my t h o u g h t s . "And i t d o e s n ' t matter if o n e

dies rich or poor, young or old, p e a c e f u l l y o r s l o w l y from some

hideous disease. What matters i s t h a t p e o p l e d i e u n a w a r e s , c o n s e q u e n t -

l y t h e y a l l g o t o t h e same p l a c e . "
 I asked Nelida if there was some sort of hades where everyone who

was not aware went when they died. Nelida laughed and said that unless
we merge with our energy bodies, the hell is right here on this earth.
"But don't you need a teacher to help you to change and get to
your energy body?" I asked. "I know when I go back to Los Angeles, you
won't be there, and I'll be at a loss as to what to do."
W e don't need teachers," Nelida assured me. "Anyone can make the
crossing. All we have to do is to let go of our holdings. Intend it;
fulfill the sorcerers' bidding. But who wants to recapitulate their
Â

lives and let go of herself?"

Nelida was talking about me again. I wanted to defend myself and
argue that I had recapitulated my tail off, but I knew it would be
, .
, ; pointless. There were enormous reservoirs left that I hadn't even
touched.
"There is really not much more to say on the subject," Nelida
said. "In fact, I am talking to you only to convince your reason that
its empty assertions and clinging will not lead to freedom. To hold
onto the self is a waste of energy. You are better off using this
energy to forge the double so that intent cantpull it to freedom."
Nelida reiterated, that all one needs to do is to acquiesce and
to abandon the willful need to control that characterizes our daily
life .
"Whenever you practice the sorcery passes focus on the abdomen
and let the energy flow unimpeded. Also never feel important or that
you have accomplished something."
"Why is that?" I asked.
 ' O n l y when o n e i s n o t d o i n g and n o t - b e i n g , can i n t e n t t a k e h o l d , "

Nelida s a i d .
"How c a n one do s o m e t h i n g and n o t d o it a t t h e same t i m e ? That
h a s a l w a y s been d i f f i c u l t f o r m e t o g r a s p . "
"You l e t go and a l l o w t h e e n e r g y t o a c t t h r o u g h you, r e g a r d l e s s

of what you d o . S i n k down and become q u i e t . C o n s i d e r t h i s a s y o u r new

sorcery task--to become q u i e t and d e e p . "
Nelida took a thermos f r o m a k n a p s a c k and p o u r e d a cup o f water
for me to drink. Deftly she screwed t h e t o p back and r e t u r n e d t h e

t h e r m o s t o her bag.
" D e v e l o p i n g t h e e n e r g y body i s a n o t h e r s o r c e r y t a s k t h a t you must
f u l f i l l , " she s a i d t a k i n g a s i p o f water. "Some p e o p l e a r e more a d e p t
at this than others. But e v e r y o n e begins at t h e same p l a c e ; w i t h a

strong attachment t o the s e l f . "

How d o e s one break t h i s a t t a c h m e n t ? "
"Une s i m p l y d e c i d e s o n e h a s had enough of i n d u l g i n g and p a m p e r i n g
the child i n us, and o n e s t a r t s t o l i v e a disciplined l i f e . Every-
t h i n g w e h a v e shown you a r e means t o make i t e a s i e r f o r you t o g i v e u p

your o b s e s s i v e self concern."

I nodded. Something in me was a g r e e i n g w i t h what N e l i d a was
s a y i n g b u t some o t h e r p a r t o f m e s t i l l d i d n ' t want t o l e t go o k: b e- i n g
in control. The thought that some o u t s i d e f o r c e would r u l e m& was
\efi
a n t i t h e t i c a l t o my i d e a o f i n d e p e n d e n c e . I f e l t t h a t u n l e s s I a s s e r
myself, I would a l w a y s be t h e l a s t one t o c h o o s e t h e p a s t r y and would
h a v e t o take what wa l e f t .
" D o n ' t be a f r a i d t o exert yourself. Freedom must be earned,"
N e l i d a s a i d . " S e i z e y o u r q u a r t e r c e n t i m e t e r of c h a n c e a n d g i v e i t y o u r

b e s t e f f o r t , but n o t t o enhance your ego."

S e n s i n g my r e l u c t a n c e t o change, Nelida continued. " A p a r t of

you w a n t s t o g i v e up, w h i l e t h e o t h e r p a r t c l i n g s . Consequently t h e r e

i s c o n f l i c t . But o n c e t h e d e c i s i o n i s made, t h e r e i s no more s t r u g g l e ,

o n l y p u r p o s e , d e l i g h t and a c q u i e s c i n g . ' '

Nelida stood up, saying she wanted t o p r a c t i c e some s o r c e r y

p a s s e s t o h e l p u n i f y t h e body and mind a n d r e l e a s e t h e e n e r g y t h a t was

trapped i n v a r i o u s body c e n t e r s . She s a i d t h a t t h r o u g h o u r h a b i t of

Â

holding everything in, energy stagnates. A sorcerer lets g o of

e v e r y t h i n g a n d d o e s n o t c a r r y a n y t h i n g i n s i d e him t h a t would b l o c k t h e

f l o w of e n e r g y .

"The f i r s t area t h a t n e e d s t o be r e l e a s e d i s t h e sexual center,"

Nelida s a i d .

W h y , b e c a u s e it i s t h e l o w e s t ? "

"No, b e c a u s e of t h e emphasis p l a c e d upon i t by o u r p u r i t a n i c a l

culture," she corrected me. "This rigidity expressed itself in

emotional needs for love and our excessive attention p l a c e d on

c o u r t s h i p and mating. C o u r t s h i p and m a t i n g a r e s o d o m i n a n t that they

leaves no energy for anything else. H e l e a s i n g and p u r i f y i n g t h e

e n e r g y t r a p p e d i n t h e s e x u a l c e n t e r s v i t a l i z e s t h e e n t i r e body i n c l u d -

i n g t h e c e n t e r s l o c a t e d o u t s i d e t h e luminous cocoon i t s e l f . "

When I asked h e r what s h e was t a l k i n g a b o u t , s h e r e p e a t e d t n a t

t h e s o r c e r y p a s s e s i n c r e a s e o n e ' s e n e r g y , o r c a n b e d o n e a s a means of

invoking i n t e n t . They were d o o r s t o n o t b e i n g , as w e l l a s a means of

d i s r u p t i n g t h e h a b i t s t h e body h a s built up through a l i f e t i m e of

doing.

267
 "Sorcery passes wake up t h e e n e r g y b o d y , " N e l l d a s a i d . "They a r e

d e s i g n e d t o release t r a p p e d e n e r g y . But t h e y m u s t n e v e r b e t h o u g h t of

as mere e x e r c i s e s , o r e v e n a s m a r t i a l a r t s , yoga o r t a i c h i . "

Why i s t h a t ? "

T h e i r i n t e n t is d i f f e r e n t . I t was s e t by s o r c e r e r s of a n c i e n t

times. "

"Did t h e y make them up?"

'No, they were n o t s i m p l y n o t made up. T h e s e p a s s e s come down

i n our l i n a g e through dreaming o r from t h e spirit itself. When you

h a v e enough e n e r g y you t o o m a y be a b l e t o p u l l s o r c e r y p a s s e s d i r e c t l y

f r o m t h e s p i r i t . The v o i c e o f t h e s e e i n g w i l l t e l l you a l l you n e e d t o

know a b o u t s o r c e r y p a s s e s . "
..~
>:'j
r : Nelida clarified that whatever came to t h e s o r c e r e r s a t any
. ~

moment was d e s i g n e d f o r a g i v e n p u r p o s e .

Sorcerers, especially stalkers, are extremely flexible. They

follow t h e d e s i g n of the spirit. A l l we do i s empty o u r s e l v e s a n d

a l l o w i n t e n t t o move u s . T h a t i s why no two s o r c e r y p a s s e s are alike.

And o n e n e v e r knows which p a s s o n e s h o u l d d o u n t i l t h e moment o f d o i n g

it. T h i s is t h e s e n s e i n which w e p r a c t i c e them t o d a y . W

e do them t o

lead us t o awareness and freedom. Used p r o p e r l y , t h e i r i n t e n t may

h e l p one e s c a p e i n a f l u r r y o f l i g h t . "
 Not-Being

Un t h e way back t o don J u a n ' s h o u s e , w e t o o k a d i f f e r e n t t r a i l .

I t was s t e e p and r u t t e d f r o m t h e r a i n a n d f l a s h f l o o d s h a d eroded t h e

clay earth. After an hour of h i k i n g , N e l i d a t a p p e d my h e a d w i t h a

f l i c k of h e r f i n g e r .

"You a r e t a l k i n g t o y o u r s e l f a g a i n , " s h e s a i d i n a w a r n i n g t o n e .

I t was t r u e . I was i n w a r d l y c o m p l a i n i n g t o m y s e l f t h a t my m u s c l e s

) ached and how I wished I h a d more p h y s i c a l prowess t o keep up w i t h

someone t w i c e my a g e . I laughed o u t o f s h e e r nervousness.

I t ' s n o t m u s c l e s you need f o r walking," Nelida c o r r e c t e d me.

"It's internal strength. Walking with i n t e r n a l s t r e n g t h t a k e s very

l i t t l e e x e r t i o n . I n f a c t . none a t a l l . ' '

She s t o p p e d w a l k i n g a n d ran her hand up my s p i n e informingme

t h a t two c u r r e n t s f l o w e d a l o n g b o t h s i d e s of t h e b a c k b o n e .

"When I t o o k you on t h i s w a l k , it w a s t o s t o r e your e n e r g y and

b a l a n c e your p o s i t i v e and n e g a t i v e f o r c e s , not t o exhaust them," s h e

said. "These channels are interconnected with o t h e r s , l i n k i n g t h e

i n t e r n a l o r g a n s w i t h t h e m u s c l e s , t e n d o n s and s k i n .

S h e e x p l a i n e d t h a t when s o r c e r e r s s e e t h e energy b o d y , t h e y see

t h a t i t i s made u p o f a s u b t l e f o r c e t h a t f l o w s t h o r o u g h b i l a t e r a l and

. s y m m e t r i c a l c h a n n e l s , j o i n i n g t h e f r o n t and b a c k of t h e body t o f o r m a

continuous c i r c u i t . To a s e e r it l o o k s l i k e a l u m i n o u s egg o r cocoon

270
 that surrounds the physical body. In between the shoulder blades, an
arm's length away is a point of intense luminosity which she called
the place of awareness.
She stressed that the energy passages have to be kept open in
,
order for the subtle force to circulate freely. Whenever a person
overexerts oneself physically, mentally, or emotionally, one creates a
blockage, in which fibers of light become knotted. The energy is
constricted in one area, thereby, producing an excess in another, like
damning up a stream. This produces an energy imbalance causing illness
Â

in the body.
Nelida found a flat area and told me to clear it of rocks and
debris.
"Lie down on your back and merge with the earth by tensing and
relaxing all your muscles," she said.
I did as she directed, spreading out my poncho as a blanket.
She asked me specifically to note the difference in feeling
between tightening and relaxing various muscle groups.
Tighten and relaxing involve two opposite energies," she
explained, as she placed my knapsack under my head. for a pillow. "If a
person is too relaxed or weak, he needs to tighten; if he is too tense
or agitated, he needs to relax. When the forces of tension and
relaxation are in balance, the person experiences health and well-
being. "
Nelida elaborated saying that the body naturally regulates itself
and finds its optimal state of balance which is.not only important for
maintaining one's health, but also for becoming aware of the universal
forces that surround us.

27 1
 When I a g a i n f e l t r e s t e d and my b r e a t h i n g was back t o n o r m a l , s h e

t o l d me t o s i t up. Again s h e t r a c e d a l i n e up my s p i n e t o t h e crown

o f t h e head, pausing t o p o i n t o u t v a r i o u s c e n t e r s with a s o f t p r e s s u r e

of h e r f i n g e r s .

"The f i r s t g a t e i s at the tailbone; the second i s between t h e

kidneys; t h e third is higher, opposite t h e solar plexus; another i s

between t h e s h o u l d e r b l a d e s ; a n o t h e r is a t t h e n a p e of t h e neck, and

t h e r e i s t h e one h e r e , a t t h e t o p of t h e s k u l l . "

She gently pressed the last p l a c e w i t h h e r thumb p l a c i n g h e r

f i n g e r s l i k e open f a n s on t h e back o f t h e h e a d .

These areas are storage centers for energy," she explained,

l i g h t l y touching t h e s i x a r e a s a g a i n s o I c o u l d n o t e them. "They a l s o

,
1 r e f i n e t h e e n e r g y a s i t f l o w s up t h e b a c k . "

A s she pressed, I sensed a mild c u r r e n t o r vibration. After a

while, I f e l t my b r e a t h slow down a n d become e v e n . My r i b c a g e , t h a t

h a d been t i g h t from w a l k i n g , now e x p a n d e d and contracted with ease,

a l l o w i n g m e t o i n t a k e more a i r . A s s h e m a s s a g e d my lower b a c k n e a r t h e

kidneys, I experienced a s h a r p pain. S h e s a i d t h a t m a s s a g i n g t h e body

releases excess energy that tends to accumulate i n t h e muscles,

e s p e c i a l l y around t h e j o i n t s . One way t o m a s s a g e was w i t h t h e p a l m s or

the fingers, moving them a l o n g t h e p a t h w a y s t h a t e n c i r c l e d t h e body.

S o r c e r e r s c o u l d a l s o p o i n t w i t h t h e i n d e x f i n g e r t o open up any e n e r g y

blockage.

N e l i d a s t r e s s e d t h a t i n t h e sorcerer's world e x t r e m e b e h a v i o r had

t o be a v o i d e d b e c a u s e it' o n e went t o f a r i n one d i r e c t i o n , one taxed

t h e complementary f o r c e s t h a t a r e n e e d e d t o b a l a n c e o n e s e l i . She a d d e d
t h a t a p e r s o n s h o u l d s t r i v e f o r e a s e and balance i n order t o achieve

t h e o p t i m a l l e v e l of e f f i c i e n c y i n any t a s k .

"The c e n t e r of l i f e and w e l l - b e i n g i s i n t h e energy body," s h e

s a i d , a g a i n r u n n i n g a S i n g e r up my s p i n e . "Between t h e t w o c h a n n e l s on

e i t h e r s i d e of t h e backbone, i s a t h i r d passageway. "When t h e p o i n t of

a w a r e n e s s p a s s e s down t h e back a n d e n t e r s t h e womb. o n e becomes c a l m

and c e n t e r e d . The e n e r g y body i s s o s u b t l e t h a t o n e h a r d l y notices

t h e assemblage point stirring. Yet when it moves away from i t s

moorings, t h e p a c e b e h i n d t h e s h o u l d e r b l a d e s , i t i s a s i f we e n t e r a
s
d i f f e r e n t world. A l l human s t r u g g l e seem i n s i g n i f i c a n t . "

F o r a w h i l e we s a t i n s i l e n c e . Then s h e p o i n t e d t o my b o o t s and

remarked t h a t t h e r e is n o t h i n g worse t h a n wearing s h o e s t h a t d o n ' t f i t

well.

"Only when your energy and your activities are i n perfect

c o n c o r d a n c e , d o you n e t h e r n o t i c e y o u r s e l f n o r what you d o , " s h e s a i d .

I asked h e r t o explained h e r statement.

B e c a u s e p e o p l e want t o be n o t i c e d , " s h e b e g a n , "they continually

c a l l a t t e n t i o n t o themselves and t o t h e i r acts. To be c o n c e n t r a t e on

doing something while being i n d i f f e r e n t t o t h e o u t c o m e , means g i v i n g

your f u l l attention t o the task. The most e f f e c t i v e state, for a

stalker," Nelida continued, "is to be completely absorbed i n t h e

moment, s o o n e d o e s not waste energy thinking about the p a s t or

future. "

I asked her i f i t w a s n ' t u n r e a s o n a b l e t o worry a b o u t whether o r

n o t o n e was o v e r d o i n g a n y t h i n g . N e l i d a replied that one should never

worry about anything, because to worry means t h a t o n e i s a l r e a d y

imbalanced.

273
 "Put another way," she offered, "if you are thinking while

a c t i n g , it w i l l be those thoughts, not t h e action, t h a t w i l l s t a y i n

y o u r memory. Un t h e o t h e r h a n d , i f you are silent w h i l e a c t i n g , when

you t r y t o r e c a l l t h e a c t i o n s , t h e r e w i l l be l i t t l e t o remember. T h a t
i s why s o r c e r e r s s a y t h a t t h e s e l l i s a n i d e a . When you u n d e r s t a n d

t h i s and s t o p y o u r r u n n i n g i n t e r n a l monologue, a n o t h e r a w a r e n e s s w i l l

rise t o t h e foreground."

A s I t h o u g h t of what N e l i d a had s a i d , i t seemed t o coincide with

what I had f e l t while performing the recapitulation. I had,experi-

e n c e d a k i n d of w i t h d r a w a l , a s e p a r a t i o n f r o m m y s e l f and t h e world a s

I knew i t . Une p a r t of me--which consisted of a l l that I recalled

having experienced i n t h e world--seemed to h a v e become d e t a c h e d and

was f l o a t i n g unencumbered. Behind t h i s lay a s u b s t r a t a of a w a r e n e s s

t h a t was s i l e n t , v a s t and empty. It served as the background t o

support activities. But because a l l my a t t e n t i o n h a d a l w a y s been

f o c u s e d on my thinking self, that silent infrastructure h a d gone

unnoticed. With the recapitulation, t h e d i s t i n c t i o n was c l e a r ; t h e r e

e x i s t e d a s e p a r a t i o n between myself as a conglomeration of i d e a s ,

f e e l i n g s , a c t i v i t i e s , and t h i s o t h e r i n d e f i n a b l e , s i l e n t awareness.

While recapitulating," I told Nelida, "it seemed t h a t a w a r e n e s s

w a s n o l o n g e r a t t a c h e d t o my f a m i l i a r s e l f . I t seemed t o be h o v e r i n g
o u t s i d e , observing t h e r e s p o n s e s t h a t I h a d h a b i t u a l l y r e g a r d e d as my

familiar self. While t h e p e r s o n a l s e l f i s f u l l of struggle, tension

and stress from living; the other awareness is d e t a c h e d and i n d i f -

ferent, a dark silence, perfectly contained, without thought o r

desire. "
 "What you a r e d e s c r i b i n g i s t h e r e l a t i o n s h i p b e t w e e n a w a r e n e s s of

t h e p e r s o n a l s e l f a n d a w a r e n e s s of t h e e n e r g y b o d y , " N e l i d a c l a r i f i e d .

"The recapitulation breath and the sorcery p a s s e s a l l o w e d you t o

a c t i v a t e t h e e n e r g y body. From t h a t p e r s p e c t i v e you can s e e that the

everyday s e l f is only a n a p p e a r a n c e s u s t a i n e d by t h e power o f s p e e c h

and t h o u g h t . "

Nelida p a t i e n t l y explained t h a t after a person has swept h i s

personal past c l e a n with t h e b r e a t h , t h e s e l f t h a t is remembered, i s

no l o n g e r c a p a b l e of a f f e c t i n g t h e p r e s e n t . Ã

"Does a p e r s o n s t i l l u s e t h e s e l f t o i n t e r a c t ? " I a s k e d .

"One d o e s , b u t a t t h e same t i m e one knows b e t t e r than t o believe

t h a t what h e s e e i s a l l t h e r e i s t o t h e w o r l d , " N e l i d a r e p l i e d .

I d o n ' t u n d e r s t a n d , " I s a i d "Could you b e more s p e c i f i c ? "

"A p e r s o n u s e s t h e s e l f a n d t h e p h y s i c a l body i n e v e r y d a y s i t u a -

t i o n s , b u t h e knows i t i s a f a c a d e , o n l y f o r show," N e l i d a e x p l a i n e d .

"Like a facade, it has an e l a b o r a t e f r o n t , with nothing behind. Une no

l o n g e r b e l i e v e s t h e s e l f is i m p o r t a n t or all t h e r e is t o b e i n g . One

s e e s e v e r y t h i n g a s c o n t r o l l e d f o l l y f l o a t i n g i n a sea o f m y s t e r y . "

Nelida s t r e s s e d t h a t detachment happens n a t u r a l l y once a w a r e n e s s

is no longer i d e n t i f i e d with t h e p e r s o n a l s e l f .

"When t h e t h i n k i n g self r e m a i n s a t t h e s e r v i c e o f p u r e a w a r e n e s s ,

one becomes increasingly quiet. Yet one's actions are e a s y and

e f f i c i e n t . T h i s i s because the energy that was once reserved f o r

enhancing the personal self, is d i r e c t l y employed f o r c r e a t i v i t y ,

h e a l t h and w e l l - b e i n g . ' '

Nelida r e i t e r a t e d t h a t t o confuse pure awareness of t h e energy

body w i t n t h e p e r s o n a l , t h i n k i n g s e l f , i s d e a d l y .

275
 'Not only does it force the energy body to follow the actions of
an undisciplined master, or an unruly child, but it also tricks the
person into believing that what one sees is all there is to existence.
The personal self is linked to the senses and seeks immediate gratifi-
cation in things that are finite. The energy body must never be linked
to the senses or be confused with anything. Only then can it retain
its rightful place as conduit of the life force."
W h y is that?"
"Because when awareness becomes identified with the things it is
aware of, including the self or the mind, it becomes clouded by the
interpretations of daily life. You must allow the seer in you to guide
you," she stressed. "And not let the personal sell pull awareness up
1,
) and down like a yo-yo in an attempt to satisfy its every whim."
I had to agree that it is hellish to be constantly at the mercy
of one's feelings and those of others. But I knew that when it came to
actual practice, it was a different matter.
"What is involved is a turning of the tables," Nelida continued.
"And that can on1,y be done by returning one's attention to the silence
that is beyond speech and thought."
"What exactly is pure awareness?" I asked.
"The awareness of not-being," she said. "It is a direct link to a
force sorcerers call intent--a force that is not the self, yet one
that gives r i s e to all things, including the sell. When you understand
this contradiction, you will see that there is nothing to defend and
nothing to reflect upon, not even the self."

. .
After a long silence Nelida went on to say that the mind experi-
ences perfect harmony when the right and left channels in the body
276
 merge and one's awareness crosses over to the energy body. This state
is reflected by a specific movement in the assemblage point.
'When one is centered, it's easy to see energy directly," Nelida
explained, "because the physical body no longer makes itself felt. If
you try to remember how your body feels when it is in a state of
heightened awareness, or when you experience the lines of the uni-
verse, I guarantee you will have difficulty recalling these sensati-
ons. 'I
1 had to agree. Whatever feelings I experienced during the
recapitulation in the cave or in the trees were so different from the
feelings I was accustomed to having, that later I could not recall
them.

1 "That's because in the trees, you were operating directly trom

your energy body, just as you are doing now while you are with me. In
the trees your energy body woke up. To suspend someone from the trees,
is a sorcery maneuver to break the pull gravity has on the physical
body and consolidate the energy body."
Nelida explained that all experiences leave a trace in the body.
To stand erect, for example, involves a certain distribution of
pressure and weigh on the legs and also a tensing and relaxing ot
certain muscles groups. Sitting involves a different pattern of bodily
awareness, depending on how gravity exerts its pull on the physical
body.
'Being suspended from the trees or climbing them, breaks the pull
of gravity and allows the energy body to take over," she said. I n
.,
! addition, the fact that there were no far oft horizons allowed you to
concentrate on the immediacyof the moment. And since you have no

277
 history of feelings for acting in the moment without reflection, you
became silent for you had no words to describe what you were doing.
That's why it is so difficult for you to remember what happened after
you woke up in the trees."
"What exactly did happen?"
"You were training your energy body to stalk," Nelida said. "The
novel sensations and responses not formerly encountered in your
storehouse of experience, allowed you to forge your energy body. You
have already experience casting your luminous net and entering the
black cavern above you head. These, too, are instances of stalking
with your energy body."
Nelida leaned back against a rock, stretched her legs and told me

.. ) to sit silently while she refreshed my memory about not-doing.

"Not doing is to act without acting; it is to have no words or
labels to describe your actions."
"How can one act without knowing what one is doing?" I asked.
"By acting from deep silence, without becoming involved with your
actions," she replied. "for when you are not tied to expectations or
to the outcome of your actions, you will not notice your actions.
Like shoes that fit just right."
Nelida added that when o n e k empty and silent inside, yet full
of vigor and activity, one is acting without acting. On the other
hand, if we are filled with concern and worry and expectations, and
have little energy directed toward our task, we are acting and in a
very inefficient manner. We must dissolve the person in us, so that
, .
we can be free from being and doing. When one has no desires or
 a m b i t i o n s , y e t o n e i s v i t a l l y engaged i n t h e a c t i o n a t h a n d , o n e knows
u n e r r i n g l y when t o c o n t i n u e and when t o s t o p .
T h e r e is a door t o not-being," Nelida s a i d . " I t opens s o one
can s l i p i n s i d e . Once i n s i d e , power r e n e w s and r e v i t a l i z e s t h e e n e r g y
body, o r it can d e s t r o y us. I t i s t h a t i n d i f f e r e n t . But t o f i n d t h e
o p e n i n g o n e h a s t o be s e l f l e s s , a n d t o go through it w i t h awareness,
one h a s t o r i d o n e s e l t of a t t a c h m e n t s t o o u r f a m i l i a r world."
"What d o e s o n e do i n s i d e t h e d o o r ? "

"You a l l o w the f i r e from w i t h i n t o d i s s o l v e you a n d y o u ~ e x p e r i -

ence not-being . "

" I s t h a t what happens when p e o p l e d i e ? "

For a moment s h e w a s s i l e n t . "Everything o r i g i n a t e s from t h e r e

and r e t u r n s t o i t , " N e l i d a s a i d . "Some c a l l i t t h e womb o r c r e a t o r of
t h e u n i v e r s e . O t h e r s c a l l it t h e d e s t r o y e r of t h e universe. For t h a t

i s what h a p p e n s . The world a s we know it comes t o a n e n d . "

Nelida explained that in order t o prolong o n e ' s l i f e f o r more

than t h e usual span of s i x t y o r Seventy y e a r s , one has t o dissolve

one's physical body a g a i n and a g a i n w i t h o u t l o s i n g o n e ' s a w a r e n e s s . A
p e r s o n c a n l e t go l i t t l e by l i t t l e t h r o u g h the recapitulation, or at
death a person is f o r c e d t o r e l i n q u i s h e v e r y t h i n g a l l a t o n c e . I was
c u r i o u s t o know more a b o u t t h e m y s t e r i o u s c r a c k s h e was a l l u d i n g t o .
' F o r S o r c e r e r s i t i s t h e r e a l m beyond d e a t h ! ' Nelida s a i d . "It is

familiar t o u s and t o you b e c a u s e , a l t h o u g h you a r e n o t c o n s c i o u s l y

aware o f i t . YOU h a v e been t h e r e many t i m e s b e f o r e . "
I nervously played with my Kleenex, only to realize I had
i
, shredded it t o b i t s . I p u t t h e p i e c e s i n my p o c k e t n o t t o l e a v e t r a c e s

o f l i t t e r on t h e ground.
279
 'You can look at it this way," Nelida continued. "The body you
have now is asleep. It hasn't yet learned the intricacies of stalking
with the double and of not-doing and not being. But your awareness is
old and we have taken you beyond the barrier of the self many times.
That is why sensations there are not unknown to you."
I asked her why she said that my awareness is old. She explained
that some people have an awareness that extends back into the realm of
not-being.
H o w far back?" I wanted to now. Ã

"Only you can answer that question," Nelida replied. "Or rather, .
only your awareness that is old can say how far into not-being it has
journeyed ."
I s it like reincarnation" I asked.
T h e r e is no reincarnation," she replied. "There is no past or
future either. Awareness is just awareness. There are infinite lines
criss-crossing the universe. Each one of them is a conglomeration of
awareness. All I am saying is that your awareness has travelled on
other lines, besides the one that amalgamates this world.''
Suddenly, I felt apprehensive. I experienced a moment of contus-
ion, in which part of me knew something, yet couldn't say what it was.

"Practice dissolving your physical body," Nelida recommended.

"Only then will you be able to answer your questions. Going beyond
your individual self, puts you directing in touch with the ancient
awareness. You already know from your recapitulation that the self is
only a cover; a shield that we use in the world. To stalk with the
, ,
, energy body, you have to experience not-being many times and accumu-
late awareness in order to make it recognizable."

280
 "How c a n I stalk w i t h t h e e n e r g y body w i t h o u t t h e n a g u a l o r you

o r h ' m i l i t o t o g u i d e me?"
I a l r e a d y t o l d you t h a t t h e b e s t way to not be, is t o stop

t a l k i n g t o y o u r s e l f . T h a t you c a n do a l l by y o u r s e l f . I a l s o t o l d you

t h a t we make t h e world w i t h o u r words and t h o u g h t s , which t o g e t h e r

with a c t i o n s and f e e l i n g s c o n s t i t u t e s o u r b e i n g . Not-being is not t o

have t h o u g h t s , e i t h e r a b o u t o u r s e l v e s o r a b o u t t h e world."

'How c a n o n e n o t h a v e t h o u g h t s ? "

"Not t o t h i n k i s n o t t h e same a s being i m b e c i l i c , " Nelqia s a i d .

"Hather, it l e a d s one t o p u r e a w a r e n e s s a n d t o s i l e n c e which a r e t h e

r e q u i s i t e s of n o t b e i n g .

"To be inwardly silent," Nelida continued, "is to make n o

) judgments or d i s t i n c t i o n s between good a n d e v i l , myself and o t h e r s ,

t h e n and now. And more i m p o r t a n t l y , i t means not having c o n c e p t s of

any Kind. Try feeling a n d a c t i n g w i t h y o u r e n e r g y b o d y , t h e n you c a n

a v o i d t h e p i t f a l l s of a l w a y s t h i n k i n g a b o u t t h i n g s . "

I s i t wrong t o t h i n k a b o u t t h i n g s ? "

"No, i t s not wrong, but its distracting to always talk t o

yourself. Doing t h i s a n d t h a t w i l l n e v e r l e a d you t o t h e e n e r g y body.

R e a s o n i n g o n l y p r o d u c e s l i m i t e d knowledge a n d shoddy a w a r e n e s s . There

is a much more i n c l u s i v e way t o understand, and t h a t is t o i n t u i t

d i r e c t l y w i t h o u t t h e i n t e r v e n t i o n of t h o u g h t . ' '

I f e l t forlorn, dejected. I knew when I returned t o Los A n g e l e s

and to the University, thinking and reasoning would be a l l t h a t

awaited me.

"We h a v e t a l k e d o f t h i s before," N e l i d a reminded me. " I t comes

down to this. Hegard t h e s e l f a s unimportant; s o unimportant, i n

281
fact, that you forget about it altogether. Then per force you will
begin to forge your energy body."
W h a t about when I am in school and have to study for an examina-
tion. How can I use my energy body, then? And what about when I am
talking to professors and fellow students?"
She tapped the top of my head and said that if one is selfless,
gradually, the boundaries between the perceiver and the object that is
being perceived disappear. She described selflessness not as a moral
condition, but as an impersonal state in which one no longerregards
the self as a separate entity; a state in which there is no concept of
the perceiving self, nor of the thing perceived.
'What does this state feel like to the person?"
Nelida thought for a moment then replied. "It is as if one has
misplaced something, or has lost sight of it and can't remember what
it is. But because it is not important, one is no longer interested in
finding it. 'I
Nelida made clear that the reason the self is usually regarded so
highly is because we use it as our single and constant reference point
with respect to the world. It is the center from which we think, feel,
and shape our existence, and we have been forging it since we were
infants.
'Abandon the self, and you do away with the fluctuations of
thought," she continued. "By the same token, still your thoughts, and
the self is erased. Then you can stalk with the double, then you see
your professors and your fellow students as controlled folly. Then
everything is equal and you can grasp any concept directly witn your
energy body. Then you are truly capable of having a romance with
282
 knowledge. w i t h o u t t h e i n t e r v e n t i o n of t h o u g h t a n d t h e s e l f , you w i l l

be o p e r a t i n g from t h e p o i n t of n o t b e i n g where t h e p e r s o n a l s e l f i s no

longer your p r i m a r y p o i n t o f view. Then t h e s e e r i n you w i l l t e l l you

what i s what."

"Why i s n o t - b e i n g s o important?"

" T h i n k i n g makes y o u a s k stupid questions," she said. "Marvels

i s s u e f o r t h f r o m t h e r e a l m s of n o t b e i n g ; h e a l t h , c l e a r v i s i o n , d i r e c t

u n d e r s t a n d i n g , m y s t e r i o u s powers. But a person n e e d s t o t a l c o n c e n t r a -

t i o n and a willingness t o abandon t h e p e r s o n a l s e l f i n o r d e r t o open

t h e d o o r and s l i p t h r o u g h i n f u l l a w a r e n e s s . "

N e l i d a s c r u t i n i z e d m e i n t h e amber l i g h t .

" A r e you w i l l i n g t o l e t go of y o u r wonderful s e l f ? " s h e asked

' p o i n t blank.

For a moment I hesitated, thinking s h e meant t h a t I was r e a l l y

wonderful. Then I nodded e v e n t h o u g h I knew s h e meant t h e o p p o s i t e .

I c e r t a i n l y hope s o , " s h e s a i d . " F o r your r e s o l v e w i l l be t e s t e d

s o o n e r t h a n you t h i n k . "
 STALKING WITH THE DOUBLli

Emilito took me t o t h e most b e a u t i f u l s p a n i s h c o l o n i a l house I

had e v e r s e e n o t h e r t h a n C l a r a ' s . O u t s i d e , it had a p l a i n t a c a d e w i t h
b a r s on t h e windows and s e v e r a l second s t o r y b a l c o n i e s o v e r l o o k i n g t h e
s t r e e t s below. The balcony I had admired from t h e plaza was ladened
with potted geraniums and t h i c k green t e r n s . Whoever l i v e s h e r e l o v e s
p l a n t s , was the feeling t h a t came t o me a s we entered through t h e

1
massive twelve paneled door.
.
Inside, the courtyard was cool and d a r k . I t reminded me of a
c l o i s t e r from a n o t h e r e r a . Columns and a r c h e s l i n e d s t o n e walkaways.
Kaised beds rramed a s m a l l o r c h a r d w i t h f r u i t t r e e s . P o r t i o n s of t h e

high walls were covered with honey suckles and hanging w i s t e r i a

growing up trellises. Cool s t o n e benches were f l a n k e d w i t h f l o w e r s

o t a s t o n e p l a n t e r grew a huge agave c a c t u s .

-
growing i n ceramic p o t s w i t h a marbleized b l u i s h g r e e n g l a z e , and o u t

To one side was a dark hallway which l e a d t o a s m a l l garden

p a t i o . A high backed carved wooden bench was s e t a g a i n s t t h e w a i l , and
a beautiful jacaranda t r e e shaded t h e r e c t a n g u l a r e n c l o s u r e . To t h e
s i d e was a s t o n e g r o t t o , w i t h a s l e n d e r w a t e r f a l l f l o w i n g i n t o a tiny
pool. The house and grounds seemed t o me t h e most p e a c e f u l p l a c e on
t h e earth. From time t o time I could h e a r the f l u r r y of b i r d s , but
1
even they were hushed and subdued as if o u t of r e s p e c t f o r t h e
 s a n c t i t y of t h e house. To t h i n k t h a t t h i s o a s i s of t r a n q u i l i t y e x i s t e d

in the heart o t a busy cosmopolitan c i t y seem i n i t s e l f an a c t o t

power.

" S i t on t h i s bench and w a i t tor the lady of t h e house t o show

h e r s e l t , " Emilito suggested. "Now t h a t I ' v e d e l i v e r e d y o u , I ' l l be on

my way. ,,
"Wait, w a i t , E m i l i t o . I d o n ' t know t h e l a d y of t h e house. Won't

you s t a y and i n t r o d u c e me t o h e r . "

'Ot c o u r s e you know h e r , " Emilito s a i d surprised. "You met h e r

i n Sonora. Her name i s Z u l e i c a . "

A t t h e mention of h e r name, I remembered t h e lady a t the f i e s t a

who had given me t h e cocoa t o d r i n k f o r t h e f l e a b i t e s . She had wanted

me t o s t a y w i t h h e r but I had declined. I had n o idea she lived i n

such b e a u t i f u l s u r r o u n d i n g s .
"But what should I do when I meet h e r ? " I asked.

E m i l i t o gave me a s t e r n look. "When you meet h e r , be impecc-

a b l e , " he a d v i s e d . " T h a t ' s a l l anyone can do."

Before I could ask him what would impeccability mean in this

s i t u a t i o n , he l e f t through a side door l e a d i n g o t t t h e c o r r i d o r . I

s a t on t h e bench, f e e l i n g f o r l o r n , watching t h e f i s h playing in the

pond. But t h e harmony of t h a t house and t h e r i p p l e s i n t h e w a t e r soon

made me f e e l drowsy, but i n a p l e a s a n t way. I exhaled a few t i m e s , and

w i t h my breath a l l my c o n c e r n s seemed t o flow out u n t i l t h e r e was

n o t h i n g l e f t but a profound s e n s e of w e l l being. I c l o s e d my eyes and

listened to the water running over t h e s m a l l r o c k s , and imagined

1 s e e i n g t h e t i n y g o l d f i s h t h a t by now had h i d under some w a t e r p l a n t s .

 " I f o n l y t h i s waking dream would l a s t f o r e v e r , " I heard a woman's

voice say.
I turned and looked into the d a r k c o r r i d o r b u t saw no one. But

t h o s e words summed up i n me t h e moment, for that i s exactly how I

felt.
"That's r i g h t , dear, r e s t , and l e t t h e sound of t h e w a t e r t a k e

you where it w i l l . "

The v o i c e came from my l e f t , very near. Startled, I opened my
eyes t o s e e a t a i l lady wearing a black flowing c a f t a n w i t h an I n d i a n
motif around a s t a n d up c o l l a r . Her auburn h a i r was p i l e d high i n a

p l e a s i n g a l t h o u g h somewhat o l d f a s h i o n e d h a i r do. The s k i n of h e r f a c e

was t a u n t and h e r eyebrows arched e x p r e s s i v e l y w i t h t h e a i d of eyebrow

j p e n c i l . Her mouth was t h i n and d e l i c a t e and h e r e y e s were f i x e d on me

i n s u c h a p i e r c i n g manner t h a t I knew i t was Z u l e i c a .
She could h y p n o t i z e me with her gaze if she wanted too, I
t h o u g h t , but somehow I d i d n ' t mind. I t r u s t e d h e r ; f o r a t a deep l e v e l

we were a l i k e . Then t h e r e a l i z a t i o n s u r f a c e d as t o how we were a l i k e

and t h a t made me uneasy. We were both q u i t e a b i t c r a z y and had t o u s e
a l l our energy t o make a coherent p r e s e n t a t i o n of o u r s e l v e s in the
f a c e of u t t e r chaos.
"You're n o t afraid o t me a r e you?" Z u l e i c a asked s o l i c i t o u s l y .
*,Because I a s s u r e you, I ' m h e r e t o h e l p you."
"I'm n o t a f r a i d , " I s a i d and meant i t . Z u l e i c a w a s s o t a r beyond
the pettiness of t h e world t h a t s h e exuded s t r e n g t h and v i t a l i t y i n
h e r v o i c e and movements. Except f o r her burning eyes, she was t h e

5 p i c t u r e of calmness and s e r e n i t y .
 "You're going t o s t a y w i t h me t o r a w h i l e , and I ' m going t o t e a c h

you how t o s t a l k w i t h your dream body," s h e s a i d .

"But I s t i l l h a v e n ' t f i n i s h e d r e c a p i t u l a t i n g , " I s a i d . " S h o u l d n ' t
I continue with t h a t ? "

"Recapitulating is i m p o r t a n t , but s o i s dreaming. I have t o s e t

you up i n t h e proper manner now because t h e r e i s s o l i t t l e time. Then

you can p r a c t i c e on your. While you a r e h e r e , however, you h a v e t o

f o l l o w my i n s t r u c t i o n s . Agreed?"
I had no c h o i c e but t o nod my head in agreement for s h e was
nodding h e r s .

"Dreaming and gazing go hand in hand," Z u l e i c a began. "You

a l r e a d y caught on t o t h a t when you gazed a t t h e ripples in t h e pond.

, , Now l e t t h e sound of t h e water take you. T h a t ' s how you s t a r t . You

f i n d something i n t h e world t h a t shimmers o r has a glow t o it and you
gaze a t i t . Then you f i n d a sound, l i k e r a i n , w a t e r from a s t r e a m ,

even t h e n o i s e o t t h e c i t y w i l l do. And you follow t h e sounds. Then

you t r a n s f e r it i n t o your dreams by gazing i n your dreams o r h e a r i n g

t h a t sound i n your s l e e p . "
I knew w h a t s h e meant. For once I had a r o c k tumbler t h a t made a

t e r r i b l e r a t t l i n g noise. S i n c e I had t o keep it on 24 hours a day f o r

t h e s t o n e s t o be p o l i s h e s a s t h e y c o l l i d e d a g a i n s t each other i n the

tumbler, I could h e a r that noise i n my s l e e p . I remember t h a t n o i s e

would t a k e me p l a c e s I d i d n ' t want t o go. So I f i n a l l y had t o t u r n o f f

t h e machine a t n i g h t .
"There a r e e x e r c i s e s you can do you t o move your awareness t o t h e

' other s i d e , " Zuleica said.

. ,

"The o t h e r s i d e ? "
 "To your dreaming body."
She spoke i n such a s o f t melodic v o i c e t h a t i t calmed me just to
l i s t e n t o her.

"When you s l e e p , you must a l l o w your dream body t o become aware,

c o n s c i o u s of i t s e l f . You do t h i s f i r s t by looking a t your h a n d s , and

t h e n by g e t t i n g up o u t of y o u r bed t o move around. U r you can f i n d
a n y t h i n g e l s e you wish, such a s t h e item you gaze a t during t h e day.
Or something in particular you wish t o f i n d . I n o t h e r words, your
dream body must respond t o your commands. To s t a l k w i t h t h e double i s
t o control y o u r movements in a s p e c i f i c endeavor and n o t e x p e n d a l l
your energy i n one c r a z y o u t b u r s t . "
8,
How does one expend o n e ' s energy?" I asked.
I ', " G r a d u a l l y , harmoniously. Try t o prolong your dreaming endeavor

a s long as possible but always r e s e r v e energy s o you can wake up and

you d o n ' t g e t l o s t i n p l a c e s you won't be a b l e t o come back from.
"Now, I w i l l show you a few s p e c i f i c e x e r c i s e s you can p r a c t i c e . "
She p l a c e d a cushion on t h e f l o o r i n f r o n t of a low. wrought i r o n

t a b l e and t o l d me t o s i t c o m f o r t a b l y , c r o s s i n g my l e g s i f I wished. In
t h e c e n t e r of t h e t a b l e s h e placed a s h o r t blue c a n d l e and lit i t .
After flickering for a while, the yellow flame formed a p e r f e c t
unwavering o v a l . Z u l e i c a g e n t l y blew on t h e flame c a u s i n g it t o leap
sideways f o r an i n s t a n t . When t h e c u r r e n t of a i r had p a s s e d , t h e flame

s t r a i g h t e n e d o u t and became calm a g a i n . I watched Z u l e i c a i n t e n t l y f o r

I knew t h e r e was a l e s s o n i n what s h e was doing.
"There a r e two s i d e s t o e v e r y t h i n g , " s h e s a i d s i t t i n g down i n a

', \ h i g h backed cane c h a i r . "And t h a t i n c l u d e s t h e mind. Un t h e one hand,

itcan t h i n k , reason, and r e f l e c t upon i t s e l f i n o r d e r t o c r e a t e and

304
 draw c o n c l u s i o n s . The other quality o t the mind i s t o be s i l e n t ,

i n a c t i v e and without thought. We a l l know how t o reason and r e f l e c t

upon o u r s e l v e s , b u t t o achieve s i l e n c e i s more d i t f i c u l t . "

Without g e t t i n g u p , s h e blew on t h e flame a g a i n . I was s u r p r i s e d

t o s e e t h a t t h e t l a m e leaped a s it had done before.

"The mind is like this flame. I t f l a r e s up a t t h e s l i g h t e s t

d i s t u r b a n c e and f l u t t e r s t h e moment a breeze touches i t , " she s a i d .

"Thoughts and desires are like gusts of a i r ; t h e y a c t i v a t e t h e mind

and make it f l u t t e r . ' '

I n a c l e a r tone she explained that there a r e two approaches t o

a c h i e v i n g mental r e s t . She s t o o d and p l a c e d h e r hand around t h e flame

t o form a p a r t i a l s h i e l d , t h e n blew a t i t a g a i n . T h i s t i m e , t h e flame,

, being p r o t e c t e d by h e r hand, d i d n o t f l i c k e r .

'One approach to silence and r e s t i s t o s h i e l d t h e mind from

outside disturbances t h a t can u n s e t t l e it. You do t h i s by removing

y o u r s e l f from the disruptive or injurious f o r c e s t h a t t h r e a t e n your

well-being. In o t h e r words, you withdraw and h i d e y o u r s e l f i n your

depths. "

The second method, Z u l e i c a ' s a i d was more d i f f i c u l t t o accomplish

t o r it involved a d e l i c a t e maneuver of s h i e l d i n g t h e mind n o t from

o u t s i d e i n f l u e n c e d but from i t s own i n f l u e n c e . I n t h i s c a s e , s i n c e t h e

d i s t u r b i n g s t i m u l i come from w i t h i n , t h e r e i s no way t o run o r r e t r e a t

i n t o t h e s e l f , f o r t h e mind, i t s e l f i s a g i t a t e d and running. T h e r e f o r e ,

one h a s t o s t o p o n e ' s a g i t a t i o n by f i x i n g t h e mind t o some p o i n t such

a s a n image, i d e a , o r sound, and i n t h i s way r e n d e r it immobile.

'quietude is the product of d i s c i p l i n e and t r a i n i n g , " Z u l e i c a

s a i d . "It involves stopping the internal d i a l o g u e by f o c u s i n g on a

 single point, or by expanding awareness to merge w i t h t h e g r e a t

s i l e n c e t h a t e x i s t s beyond t h e l i m i t s of thought."
A s I l i s t e n e d t o her t a l k , I t e l t a quietness s e t t l e about me a s
i f i t came n o t trom h e r words but from h e r v e r y being.

'To be unperturbed means t h a t n o t h i n g can p u l l your a t t e n t i o n

away trom i t s center," she said s e n s i n g my mood. "One o t the best

methods t o a c h i e v e t h i s i s by g a z i n g a t a l i g h t o r luminous o b j e c t . "

She asked me it I had understood t h e two approached f o r r e s t i n g

t h e mind, which she said were really methods of gazing. When I

h e s i t a t e d , s h e r e p e a t e d them. I n t h e f i r s t i n s t a n c e , t h e body and mind

a r e removed from t h e d i s t u r b i n g s t i m u l i , by r e t r e a t i n g o r moving away

from i t . T h i s can be accomplished because t h e d i s r u p t i v e f o r c e s come

, , from t h e o u t s i d e . I n t h e second instance, the body and mind a r e s e t

f i r m , because t h e d i s t u r b a n c e s a r i s e from w i t h i n o n e ' s own b e i n g .
"Its best to use a combination of both methods; r e t r e a t and
f i x a t i o n , " s h e s a i d . "That i s why you a r e here in t h i s q u i t e house
where no one b o t h e r s you. While you a r e l e a r n i n g t h e s e g a z i n g t e c h -

n i q u e s you must r e t r e a t from t h e outside world. But you must a l s o

r e t r e a t form t h e world you c a r r y i n s i d e you by f i x i n g your mind though
gazing p r a c t i c e s ."
"What does f i x i n g t h e mind a c t u a l l y do?" I asked.

"Only a f i x e d o r c e n t e r e d mind allows you t h e freedom t o come and

go a s you p l e a s e . "
I told her I d i d n ' t u n d e r s t a n d how a f i x e d mind could a l l o w one
t o move about. I t seemed t o be a contradiction. Zuleica c a r e f u l l y

I
picked up t h e candle and s l o w l y moved i t trom s i d e t o s i d e so t h a t
 t h e tlame d i d n o t waver but d i f f e r e n t a r e a s o t t h e t a b l e were i l l u m i -

nated.
" N o t i c e t h a t t h e tlame does n o t f l i c k e r and y e t i t moves about. A
t i x e d and s t e a d y awareness allows you t o s e e i n t o a n y t h i n g , t o move i n

any direction without becoming agitated by what you s e e o r do.

T h e r e f o r e you a r e a b l e to come and go anywhere and still be i n
control. "
Z u l e i c a s e t t h e c a n d l e on t h e t a b l e s o t h a t t h e flame was j u s t a t
t h e l e v e l of my eyes.

" I f y o u ' r e mind i s n o t fixed, and your thoughts jump around,

whatever you see w i l l p u l l you and a f f e c t your awareness. Then you

w i l l have t o s t r u g g l e t o extricate yourself before you a r e free to

. ,.;
move on t o something e l s e . And i n no t i m e a t a l l you w i l l have s o many
t i e s t h a t you won't be a b l e t o move a t a l l . "
'What w i l l happen t h e n ? "
"You w i l l have t o r e c a p i t u l a t e you a c t s t o f r e e your e n e r g y , " s h e

said. "That's why we recommend that one always r e c a p i t u l a t e s t h e

e v e n t s of t h e day s o t h a t one is freed o t t h e i r influence, and one
does n o t b u i l d up e n e r g e t i c bonds."

Zuleica stressed that recalling t h e events of my l i f e combined

w i t h t h e sweeping b r e a t h I had learned, could clean not only p a s t

t i e s , but a l s o m a i n t a i n awareness i n a f l u i d c o n d i t i o n e v e r y moment of

t h e day. Once f r e e d , . t h e awareness can be focused and used a t t h e

s e r v i c e of i n t e n t , o r t h e s p i r i t t h a t r u l e s us and g i v e s us l i f e .
"We must use our awareness t o l i b e r a t e awareness," she s a i d .

" J u s t a s we u s e a n e e d l e t o t a k e out a splinter in a finger. Now,

enough e x p l a n a t i o n . L e t ' s g e t down t o p r a c t i c e . "

307
 Zuleica instructed me t o gaze a t t h e c a n d l e t o r a moment t h e n t o

p l a c e t h e palms of my hands o v e r my e y e s , and v i s u a l i z e t h e tlame. For

a while I looked a t the flame t h e n c l o s e d my eyes and covered them

w i t h my palms. I could s e e a c h a r t r e u s e c i r c l e , then a golden flame

appeared which turned i n t o a bright r e d orange glow. Soon t h e tlame
was r e p l a c e d by a small black opening t h a t formed i n front of my
eyes.

Zuleica t o l d me t o repeat the e x e r c i s e of g a z i n g a t t h e f l a m e ,

t h e n c o v e r i n g my eyes w i t h my palms. This time, t h e reddish l i g h t

seemed to be moving to my r i g h t , and i t was d i f f i c u l t t o keep it
c e n t e r e d i n my i n n e r t i e l d of v i s i o n . She s a i d I should t r y t o move
t h e image of t h e flame c l o s e r and t u r t h e r away from me, w h i l e keeping

my eyes covered w i t h my palms. A f t e r a while I was a b l e t o hold t h e

image o t t h e flame and move i t f u r t h e r away o r b r i n g it c l o s e r t o me
u s i n g t h e f o r c e of my mind.
"This g a z i n g p r a c t i c e w i l l help you to develop your f o c u s i n g
ability," Zuleica said when I opened my eyes a g a i n . " J u s t a s t h e

s o r c e r y p a s s e s s t r e n g t h e n your e n e r g e t i c body, your m e n t a l c o n t r o l can

be sharpened through g a z i n g t e c h n i q u e s . "
She added t h a t v i s u a l i z i n g a l i g h t , n o t o n l y q u i e t s t h e t h o u g h t s ,

but i t a l s o a c t i v a t e s a fundamental energy c e n t e r in the back o t t h e

head, i n v i g o r a t i n g the entire body. She remarked t h a t w i t h continued

p r a c t i c e , I would no l o n g e r need t o gaze at a candle, but would be

able to see the flame simply by c l o s i n g my eyes. The l i g h t , once

f i x e d , would h e l p me t o c o n c e n t r a t e on a single point, t o t h e exclu-

:. s i o n of a l l o t h e r i n f l u e n c e s .
 "This i s one way o t r e s t i n g t h e mind," Z u l e i c a s a i d . "liven though

you a r e a c t i v e l y c o n c e n t r a t i n g , your mind i s a t rest because it i s n o t

d i s p e r s e d i n a thousand d i r e c t i o n s . "
The most i n v i g o r a t i n g form of r e s t , s h e e x p l a i n e d , i s n o t p a s s i v e

s l e e p i n which a p e r s o n i s a t t h e mercy of d i s t u r b i n g dreams, but a

controlled, active concentration, i n which one i s a t t e n d i n g o n l y t h e
i n v i g o r a t i n g l i g h t i n f r o n t of t h e eyes.
She recommended t h a t I s t a n d up and walk around f o r a while to
l o o s e n my limbs b e f o r e g o i n g on t o t h e second g a z i n g e x e r c i s e . When I
had a g a i n s a t down on t h e cushion, I saw t h a t Z u l e i c a had placed a

l a r g e black crow's f e a t h e r on t o p o f t h e t a b l e .
"Mow, I ' l l show you a n o t h e r way of r e s t i n g t h e mind," s h e s a i d .
8, ..
b i t quietly, b r e a t h n a t u r a l l y and w i t h o u t any t h o u g h t s , gaze a t the
'I
feather. "

She s a i d t h a t I was t o f o c u s my a t t e n t i o n on t h e f e a t h e r u n t i l i t

and I merged. She s a i d i t was p o s s i b l e t o merge w i t h any o b j e c t one

was g a z i n g a t so t h a t it was no l o n g e r a s e p a r a t e e n t i t y , b u t some-

t h i n g a l i v e and a p a r t of o n e ' s own e n e r g e t i c being.
"How i s t h a t possible?" I asked. "Everyone knows t h e world i s

made up o t s e p a r a t e o b j e c t s ? "
Z u l e i c a arched a n eyebrow. "Is i t r e a l l y ? " s h e asked. "Objects

a r e o n l y s e p a r a t e when we t h i n k about them. When we g a z e a t them, they

merge i n a single f i e l d of energy which a l s o i n c l u d e s our e n e r g e t i c
bodies. "

She looked a t me t o s e e i f I comprehended what she said. I must

have g i v e n her a dumb l o o k t o r s h e added, "I have j u s t r e v e a l e d t o a

s o r c e r y s e c r e t and you i n s i s t on t a k i n g i t a s an ordinary statement.
Think about i t what I s a i d . "
I was sxlent tor a moment. " I t s t i l l looks l i k e an o r d i n a r y

t e a c h e r t o me," I s a i d s t u b b o r n l y .
Z u l e i c a shook h e r head. "The h e r e and t h e r e a r e one. The t h e r e
and h e r e a r e one. Nothing i s s e p a r a t e from anything."
As I gazed a t the teacher, I noticed t h a t my b r e a t h i n g became

s l o w e r , more r h y t h m i c a l . I t had l o w e r e d down into my abdomen. My

t h o u g h t s faded and I was immersed in a profound s i l e n c e . I t seemed

t h a t Z u l e i c a was right. At one point the feather was aware and

o b s e r v i n g me; it radiated energy a t me a s i f it were conscious o5 my

watching it. I had t h e d i s t i n c t c e r t a i n t y t h a t i f i n t e n d e d it I c o u l d

make t h e t e a t h e r l i t t o f t t h e t a b l e and f l o a t i n t h e a i r , t o r we were

e n e r g e t i c a l l y linked.
A f t e r a w h i l e , Z u l e i c a t o l d me t o move my head i n small c i r c l e s
to rest my e y e s ; t h e y had begun t o t e a r from t h e s t r a i n of s t a r i n g a t
the teacher. She e x p l a i n e d t h a t t h e p o i n t of t h e g a z i n g was not t o
s t a r e fixedly a t an o b j e c t , but to let t h e eyes gently caress t h e

o b j e c t , s o t h a t responding t o o n e ' s f e e l i n g , i t opens up and emanates

i t s own f e e l i n g and knowledge.

' I t i s a merging of both f e e l i n g s , from t h e g a z e r and t h e o b j e c t ,

' t h a t r e s u l t s i n a common b l e n d i n g of awareness and a s e n s e of mutual

t r u s t and a f f e c t i o n , " Zuleica said.

She f u r t h e r e l a b o r a t e d t h a t t h i s t e e l i n g of openness and empathy

is t h e r e s u l t of s t o p p i n g o n e ' s i n t e r n a l d i a l o g u e and of allow one's

i n n e r s e n s i b i l i t y t o s p i l l f o r t h and merge w i t h whatever one i s g a z i n g
at.
 ! >.

"Pick any o b j e c t t h a t i s p l e a s i n g t o you," Z u l e i c a s a i d . "Never

gaze a t anything t h a t i s unpleasant or frightening."

"Why i s t h a t ? "

"Because through steadfast gazing you open centers i n your

e n e r g e t i c body and t h e energy of t h e o b j e c t w i l l e n t e r i n s i d e you. By
t h e same token, i f youfare n o t i n an a g r e e a b l e mood, you should n o t
i n f l i c t your n e g a t i v e f e e l i n g s on t h e o b j e c t s around you by concen-

t r a t i n g on them, r e g a r d l e s s of whether they a r e rocks, f e a t h e r s or

peop Le. "

I r e s t e d my eyes by making circles with my nose first in a

clockwise then in a c o u n t e r c l o c k w i s e d i r e c t i o n . When I was r e l a x e d

again, Z u l e i c a gave me a t h i r d exercise for fixing t h e mind, one
which i n v o l v e d v i s u a l i z i n g a shape o r form.
"What kind of a form s h o u l d I v i s u a l i z e ? " I asked.
"Any pleasing shape will do," she r e p l i e d . She picked up my

drawing pad and i n s c r i b e d a c i r c l e . I n i t s c e n t e r , she drew a s m a l l e r

circle and shaded it black. She said t h a t a c i r c l e was always
p l e a s i n g t o v i s u a l i z e because it r e p r e s e n t e d t h e completeness of t h e
u n i v e r s e from which n o t h i n g could be added o r taken away. To v i s u a -

l c z e a c i r c l e , s h e s a i d t i l l e d one w i t h a s e n s e of f u l l n e s s and w e l l -
being t h a t was needed f o r a joyous journey.

Zuleica told me to close my e y e s , and moving i n a clockwise

d i r e c t i o n , s l o w l y and smoothly draw a c i r c l e with my mind. Then my

inner f e e l i n g was t o l e a p i n t o t h e c e n t e r o f t h e c i r c l e and momentar-
i l y r e s t t h e r e . Then I was t o f i x my a t t e n t i o n a t the t o p and begin

inscribing the circle again and repeat the procedure of pushing -

through t h e c e n t e r of i t . i i u l e i c a explained t h a t t h e c i r c u l a r motion

31 1
 of the eyes as well a s mentally leaping i n t o t h e c i r c l e ' s c e n t e r ,
should be r e p e a t e d u n t i l I could do it w i t h g r e a t c o n c e n t r a t i o n .
I tound t h i s e x e r c i s e more d i t f i c u l t t o do t h a n t h e l a s t one. I t
made me drowsy. I began t o yawn and t i d g e t .
"When g a z i n g a t an i n n e r our outer shape, one must n o t become
a g i t a t e d o r l e t o n e ' s thoughts roam," Z u l e i c a warned. 'If t h e y do,
immediately b r i n g your a t t e n t i o n back t o your t a s k . "
She e x p l a i n e d t h a t leaping into the c i r c l e ' s c e n t e r had a v e r y
powerful e f f e c t on t h e energy p o i n t s l o c a t e d behind t h e eyes. Pushing
into the c e n t e r of t h e c i r c l e , helped t o open t h e passageway o r door

t o t h e o t h e r world.

"What's on t h e o t h e r side?!' I wanted t o know.

j
.. .!~
Zuleica hesitated. "Perhaps everything, perhaps n o t h i n g . Soon
,
you w i l l s e e f o r y o u r s e l f . "
She s u g g e s t e d I continued inscribing circles i n order t o s t i l l
and s t r e n g t h e n t h e mind. She a s s u r e d me that by gently yet firmly
pushing t o t h e c e n t e r , I would develop a s t e a d f a s t n e s s and imperturb-

a b i l i t y t h a t were i n d i s p e n s a b l e f o r journeying w i t h t h e energy body.

A f t e r I p r a c t i c e d t h e t e c h n i q u e s e v e r a l more t i m e s , Z u l e i c a s t o o d
u p and t o l d me t o s e l e c t one o t t h e t h r e e t e c h n i q u e s s h e had shown me,
and p r a c t i c e i t w h i l e s h e a t t e n d e d t o some a f f a i r s . I decided t o gaze
at the lighted candle; somehow I found the smooth yellow flame
appealing. When I c l o s e d my eyes, I could s t i l l see the f l a m e and
p r a c t i c e d moving it back and f o r t h and t o t h e s i d e . I t seemed t h a t

o n l y moments had p a s s e d , when L u l e i c a r e t u r n e d and t o l d me t o blow o u t

t h e candle.
 "Whenever t h e mind i s a g i t a t e d o r u n s e t t l e d , be s u r e t o do one of

t h e s e e x e r c i s e s , " s h e a d v i s e d . "The golden f l a m e , once f i x e d i n your

mind w i l l s h i n e through t h e tog like a beacon from t h e o t h e r s i d e .
Once f i x e d , even i f your e y e s a r e c l o s e d , i t w i l l be t h e r e i n f r o n t of
,
you t o calm your h e a r t . "
We s a t i n almost t o t a l d a r k n e s s t o r t h e sun had a l r e a d y s e t , and
s h e had n o t y e t l i t t h e o u t d o o r l a n t e r n s .
'Why i s i t important t o q u i e t t h e mind?" I asked.
"If you l i n k your a c t i o n s to the level of profound s i l e n c e , "
Zuleica s a i d , "you w i l l have accomplished a delicate f e a t ; t h a t of

a c t i o n thorough i n a c t i o n o r not-doing. Once one l e a r n s t o harness t h e

energy o t n o t d o i n g , one can become t r u l y powerful."
She r U r t h e r explained t h a t i n order t o accomplish a n y t h i n g , we
I
needed an unbending intent that gives one's acts d i r e c t i o n and
purpose, as well as a refined and s u b t l e awareness t h a t g i v e o n e ' s

a c t s power. She stressed that only a r e f i n e d and s u b t l e awareness

w i l l allow us t o r e a c h beyond. t h e world of form and e n t e r t h e energy

l a y e r s of t h e o t h e r realms.

She leaned c l o s e r on h e r c h a i r and s a i d in a low t o n e , "Now I

w i l l reveal t h e second o t the s o r c e r e r ' s s e c r e t s . When you p r a c t i c e

gazing you a r e r e a l l y p r a c t i c i n g dreaming w h i l e you a r e awake."

Again s h e looked a t me t o s e e i f I understood h e r meaning.

' t o u a r e focusing t h e energy of intent, which is abstraction

i t s e l f and a r e move away from the physical l e v e l i n t o t h e realm of

pure energy.

She e x p l a i n e d t h a t i n t e n t is the force that holds t h i n g s to-

gether, gives them order and power. Gazing awakens t h e u n d e r l y i n g

31 3
awareness s o r c e r e r s call intent-- that force that enables us t o
perceive-- and l i n k s our body d i r e c t l y t o it. I t is also t h i s f i r m

and unbending t o r c e c a l l e d intent, that distinguishes acts of power

from t h e s h a l l o w , a r b i t r a r y a c t s o t everyday l i t e .
"Through g a z i n g , your p h y s i c a l body i s g r a d u a l l y t r a n s t o r m e d s o
t h a t it matches your mental v i t a l i t y . Finally, the body becomes s o
l i g h t t h a t i t s i s rendered i n t o pure energy. When t h i s happens, one i s
dreaming w i t h t h e t o t a l i t y o t o n e s e l f . A l l one h a s t o do i s t o i n t e n d

something and t h e body w i l l p e r c e i v e i t . T h i s happens because one h a s

l i n k e d o n e s e l f t o i n t e n t and i s dreaming o n e s e l f using t h e power of

creation itself. Gazing techniques were designed by s o r c e r e r s o t

a n t i q u i t y t o a r r i v e a t t h i s s u b t l e m a n i p u l a t i o n of p e r c e p t i o n . "

Z u l e i c a p i c k e d up t h e f e a t h e r and l e t it f a l l gently onto t h e

table.
" P r a c t i c e g a z i n g and you w i l l e v e n t u a l l y p u r i f y your body s o t h a t
i t w i l l become a s l i g h t a s t h i s feather," she said. "When your body
becomes t r a n s f o r m e d i n t o p u r e energy l i k e your mind, t h e r e w i l l be no

d i f f e r e n c e between what you t h i n k and what you a r e . The h e r e and t h e r e

. .

o f space and t i m e w i l l merge i n t o a s i n g l e awareness 61: now, and your

mind and body w i l l no l o n g e r be s e p a r a t e , but a single energetic unit
of being h e r e .
As she talked, I sensed someone else watching u s from t h e

d a r k n e s s of the. c o r r i d o r . A t f i r s t I o n l y caught a glimpse of a shape;

t h e n I saw him s t a n d i n g t h e r e , a s i f eavesdropping on o u r c o n v e r s a t i o n

o r observing my p r a c t i c e . I had n o t i c e d him e a r l i e r and had k e p t

t u r n i n g my head t o see i f t h e man was s t i l l t h e r e . I assumed it was
someone l i v i n g i n t h a t house, t o r t h e house was l a r g e w i t h many rooms.
 Z u l e i c a s m i l e d , " I t ' s n o t t i m e t o meet h i m y e t , b u t you w i l l soon

when you a r e more invisible. For now, c o n c e n t r a t e on y o u ' r e p r a c -

tices."
"Who is t h a t man?" I asked alarmed.
"The one who makes t h e d a r k n e s s respond," s h e s a i d .
"Respond t o what?"

"'So h i s b i d d i n g , t o h i s i n t e n t . He i s t h e m a s t e r of i n t e n t . When
you l e a r n t o stalk with the d o u b l e , he w i l l come and show you h i s
art."
"Can' t I meet him now?" I asked.
She laughed and s a i d I was i n no c o n d i t i o n t o meet anyone i n my
present energetic s t a t e . And i t would t a k e a g r e a t d e a l o f energy t o

i n t e r a c t w i t h t h e Master of I n t e n t .
i
' I n t h e d a r k n e s s you s e n s e him. He w i l l speak t o your double
directly. When you r e a c h t h e p o i n t of s i l e n t knowledge, he w i l l g u i d e
you, and you w i l l know."
"What w i l l I know?"

"1 c a n ' t t e l l you t h a t . You w i l l simply know d i r e c t l y , and i f

anyone a s k s you, you y o u r s e l f w i l l n o t be a b l e t o s a y what i t is t h a t

you know. I t w i l l be t o o deep, t o o vast for words. You w i l l try to

remember, but you won't be a b l e t o t h i n k of i t , because-what you know

i s s o f a r removed from thought t h a t words w i l l t a i l you."

"Then what good is it?" I a s k e d , "It I won't remember what he
t e a c h e s me, o r it I won't be a b l e t o s a y what i t i s , w h a t ' s t h e p o i n t
of knowing a n y t h i n g ? "
,,You w i l l make t h i n g s happen," she said. "You will cause t h e
d a r k n e s s t o move and m a n i f e s t i t s e l t i n l i g h t . "

31 5
 For a while, I tried to t i g u r e o u t what s h e meant, and then
suddenly I knew. For as Kmilito had warned me, someone had a l r e a d y

been showing me how to stalk with the double. I d i d n ' t know what

Z u l e i c a meant, but I knew t h a t I a l r e a d y knew. The c e r t a i n t y came t o

me t h a t t h e Master ot Intent had been t e a c h i n g me a l l along. The

c l o s e s t way I could explain it was that he had been s e t t i n g up
something i n an a r e a t h a t was beyond my waking a t t e n t i o n , beyond even

my dreams. I t was a p l a c e where no dreams existed and y e t energy

flowed unimpeded by thoughts or wishes o r even images a r i s i n g i n
sleep.

With t h a t r e a l i z a t i o n , t h e man s t e p p e d o u t of t h e shadows. I was

n o t s u r p r i s e d t o s e e t h a t i t was t h e same man I had e n c o u n t e r e d a t t h e
border c r o s s i n g i n Nogales; t h e one who had made me f a i n t by pushing

my upper back. And t h e one I had seen a g a i n i n C a t a l i n a ' s h o u s e , when

s h e had p o i n t e d o u t t h e window t o h e r p r o t e c t o r .
He seemed t o know me a l s o , and y e t I had l a i d eyes on him o n l y

twice as far as I c o u l d r e c o l l e c t . He nodded p e r f u n c t o r i l y from a

d i s t a n c e . I avoided h i s g a z e f o r I remembered what had happened t h e

l a s t time I had looked i n t o h i s eyes. He s a i d n o t h i n g , and I knew
t h e r e was n o t h i n g t o be s a i d . Hut t h e p r e s s u r e of h i s p r e s e n c e made
my thoughts stop and the muscles of my arms and l e g s s w e l l a s a
c u r r e n t o t energy passed through me. I could hear t h e a i r around me

buzzing; I breathed h e a v i l y , taking in gobs of a i r though my mouth.

Then I f e l t t h e back of my neck pop a s he came, or rather, drifted
closer.

1 I saw h i s mouth move; he was s a y i n g something, but I c o u l d n ' t

. .;
h e a r him. I t was a s i l e n t sound and I was being pushed away by t h a t

31 6
 v o i c e l e s s whisper. I f e l l backwards o n t o t h e bench, and had t o hold on

t o r d e a r l i f e s o I wouldn't pass o u t . Then I f e l t t h e t o p of my head

open and something shoot out so v i o l e n t l y t h a t I ended up i n San
Francisco.

I knew i t was San F r a n c i s c o because I could s e e t h e Golden Gate

bridge. I was s o a r i n g over t h e choppy g r e y w a t e r s and could s e e where

t h e r u s t c o l o r e d p a i n t was p e e l i n g o f t t h e massive i r o n g i r d l e s held

up by cables. Then I was f l y i n g around sky s c r a p e r s , l a r g e o f f i c e

b u i l d i n g s w i t h dark g l a s s windows. I t l e w very hard s o I wouldn't g e t

trapped between t h e b u i l d i n g s , which had s t r o n g a i r c u r r e n t s c i r c l i n g

around them. I could h e a r the deafening roar the a i r conditioning
u n i t s on the top of t h e b u i l d i n g s . I d i d n o t l i k e t h a t a r e a one b i t .

I t was s o menacing t h a t I became f r i g h t e n e d . The shadows of the tall

. ..
b u i l d i n g on t h e s t r e e t s below made t h e s c e n e dark and ominous.
I could hear a horrible sound, I looked and knew i t was a
h e l i c o p t e r , and I was being sucked i n t o t h e propeller blade, for the

wind was h o r r e n d o u s l y s t r o n g and I could n o t f i g h t a g a i n s t i t . I made

a supreme e f f o r t t o p u l l away u s i n g every b i t of my energy i n my womb.

Then I f e l t myself sucked i n a long t u n n e l by a cord t h a t was a t t a c h e d

t o my body somewhere at the o t h e r end. I was p u l l e d s o u t h , through

different terrain zooming below me a t a f a n t a s t i c speed. I saw o r
r a t h e r sensed t h e s c e n e r y changing from cities, to desert, t o cities

and lakes as I covered thousands of geographical m i l e s i n mere

seconds. When t h e r u s h i n g s t o p p e d , I tound myself back i n Guadala-

j a r a , i n t h e p a t i o , slumped on t h e bench o t Z u l e i c a ' s house.

I opened my eyes and found Luleica s t a r i n g a t me. I told her

where I had been. She was n o t p l e a s e d t o h e a r of my t r a v e l s .

31 7
 "You expend a l l you energy in one uncontrolled o u t b u r s t . You
t r a v e l l e d a g r e a t d i s t a n c e f o r n o t h i n g . And t o what a v a i l . "

"I d o n ' t know what happened," I s a i d .

"The m a s t e r of d a r k n e s s loaned you some of h i s energy and you

wasted it i n a c r o s s - c o u n t r y joy ride, that's what happened. I hope

you a t l e a s t enjoyed t h e s i g h t s . "

I shook my head. " I t a i l zoomed by t o o f a s t , l i k e a movie p l a y e d

a t an u l t r a f a s t speed. I j u s t g o t glimpses o f w a t e r and d e s e r t and

b u i l d i n g s , and many c i t i e s below."
"Glimpses. Glimpses. What good a r e g l i m p s e s , " Z u l e i c a s a i d . "tefe

a r e a f t e r c o n t r o l . You have a g r e a t d e a l of work ahead of you b e f o r e

you can use your s t a l k i n g ' techniques to control your f l y i n g o r
whatever you chose t o do with your dreaming energy. So p r a c t i c e ,
, .
practice. "

She l e f t me a l o n e i n t h e darkness s o I could c o n t i n u e p r a c t i c i n g

t h e gazing exercises.
 19

THE OTHER SIDE

After several weeks of practicing the gazing and dreaming

t e c h n i q u e s Z u l e i c a had t a u g h t me, I f e l t a s t r a n g e s i l e n c e s e t t l e o v e r

me. I was no longer in a h u r r y ; I had no appointments t o keep;

nowhere t o go and no one t o t a l k t o . I seldom saw C a r l o s o r don J u a n ,

and when ' our p a t h s d i d c r o s s , t h e y u s u a l l y avoided me. I c o u l d move

f r e e l y on t h e ground f l o o r of Z u l e i c a ' s house and i n t h e p a t i o s and

i
g a r d e n , but I was n o t allowed upstairs or o u t s i d e t h e compound. My
~.
food was brought t o me by a s e r v a n t , and I slept in a high p l a t f o r m
f o r which I needed a s t e p l a d d e r t o climb i n t o .

During t h e day, I worked on some s k e t c h e s . Drawing, I r e a l i z e d ,

was r e a l l y a n o t h e r form of gazing; it allowed me t o spend h o u r s i n

t o t a l s i l e n c e w i t h o u t g e t t i n g bored. A t n i g h t , I p r a c t i c e d f i n d i n g my

hands i n my dreams; moving about w i t h o u t s h i f t i n g t h e scene; locating

certain object Zuleica had s p e c i f i e d beforehand, and g i v i n g myself

commands i n my dreams, t h a t I would c a r r y o u t w i t h a s much d e t a i l as

possible.

One evening, I was gazing a t the ripples i n t h e pond. I t was

t w i l i g h t and t h e s m a l l p a t i o was a mass o t dense shadows. Everything
was s o s t i l l t h a t I t h o u g h t I could h e a r whispering on t h e o t h e r s i d e
. .
I of t h e house. I a g a i n s e n s e s a person l u r k i n g i n t h e darkness. But
t h i s time, t h e man a b r u p t l y came o u t of t h e shadows and s t o o d before

3lY
 me. I r e c o g n i z e d him a s t h e Master of I n t e n t , but before I could say
a n y t h i n g he vanished i n a f l u r r y of r i p p l e s t h a t began w i t h h i s f e e t

and u n d u l a t e d upward t o encompass t h e t o p of h i s head. To my a s t o n i s h -

ment, he had a c t u a l l y v i b r a t e d himself i n t o n o n - e x i s t e n c e r i g h t b e f o r e

my eyes. He melted into the darkness as mysteriously as he had

appeared.

B e f o r e I could become t o o f r i g h t e n e d , Z u l e i c a came and s a t b e s i d e

me on t h e bench.
"The master o t I n t e n t , j u s t showed you how to merge with the
darkness," she said. "Don't be a f r a i d of i t . Embrace i t . Be one w i t h

t h e n i g h t . Become i n v i s i b l e a s he i s . "
I f e l t something i n s i d e me s t r u g g l e , r e s i s t . I did n o t want t o

I
be i n v i s i b l e . I wanted t o be recognized and n o t i c e d . I was t i r e d of
L .. .
b e i n g o v e r l o o k e d . 1 wished o t h e r p e o p l e would h e l p me g e t r i d of my
moroseness and q u a n d a r i e s , n o t i g n o r e me even more. The memory of my
grammar s c h o o l c l a s s m a t e s t e a s i n g , me and my t e a c h e r s c r i t i c i z i n g me

because I did n o t speak E n g l i s h , u n s e t t l e d me. fly c l a s s mates would

s a y , "What's t h e m a t t e r , a cat got your tongue," and take turns

p u l l i n g my p i g t a i l . Then t h e y l e f t me t o brood on a bench w h i l e t h e y
r a n o f f t o p l a y jump rope o r k i c k b a l l . I vowed t h e n t h a t I would g e t
the attention I telt I deserved and no l o n g e r would be a f r i g h t e n e d
nobody. My whole l i f e ' s endeavor was a struggle to f u l f i l l that
ambition. Now Z u l e i c a was telling me t o b e c o m e i n v i s i b l e and be a
s i l e n t , unseen nobody a g a i n .

"A s t a l k e r ' s t r a i n i n g i s i n t h e a r t o t being i n v i s i b l e , " L u l e i c a

i whispered a s i f following t h e d r i f t of my thoughts. "A s t a l k e r makes
herself unobtrusive i n a l l s i t u a t i o n s , and never c a l l s attention to

herself . "

"Never?" I s a i d remembering the fortune cookie I once had t h a t

s a i d : "There i s o n l y one t h i n g worse that being talked a b o u t , and
t h a t ' s n o t being t a l k e d about."
I t was true. It was e a s i e r t o be c r i t i c i z e d o r i n s u l t e d t h a n t o

be i g n o r e d , overlooked. I d i d n o t want t o n o t e x i s t . Some p a r t of me

f o u g h t d e s p e r a t e l y t o s u r v i v e ; i t I was a l e s s e r p a r t t h a t s e t t l e d f o r
c r i t i c i s m r a t h e r than oolivion. I would have l i k e d t o r C a r l o s and
don Juan t o have t a k e n time t o e v a l u a t e my p r o g r e s s o r even l a c k of

p r o g r e s s , but t h e y always passed me i n t h e c o r r i d o r s w i t h o u t saying a

word.
L e t g o , " Z u l e i c a s a i d . "Let go of e v e r y t h i n g . J u s t Let go.''
"Why must I ? " I s a i d s t u b b o r n l y .
1,
So t h a t t h e energy waves from e t e r n i t y can tumble you i n t o o t h e r
realms. They c a n ' t reach you i f you s h i e l d yourself with yourself.
Unly if you are invisible can the waves a f f e c t your energy body
d i r e c t l y . !'
Something i n me s t i l l f o u g h t t h e i d e a of being i n v i s i b l e .

"Let go o t your crappy s e l f , " Z u l e i c a snapped.

I heard h e r s a y t h a t over and o v e r and a s she k e p t s a y i n g it

something i n me began t o g i v e up. I s t a r t e d l e t t i n g go, a l t h o u g h of

what I d i d n ' t know. But I k e p t l e t t i n g go more and more u n t i l I became

flutty, like a g i a n t p i l l o w . And when t h a t p i l l o w d i s s o l v e d , I became
a t i n y dot l o s t somewhere i n t h e black vastness. And t h e n I lost

awareness o t being a d o t , and I was n o t h i n g .

 "Cross o v e r , " a v o i c e s a i d . "Let t h e energy waves of t h e u n i v e r s e
push you o v e r t o t h e o t h e r s i d e , t o t h e world where we a r e . ' '
I followed t h e v o i c e and heard it talk of a p a r a l l e l universe

almost i d e n t i c a l t o ours t h a t e x i s t e d behind a b a r r i e r . That b a r r i e r

was made up of our concerns, our ideas of reality, our e n e r g e t i c

affiliation to everyday l i f e , and fundamentally t o o u r s e l v e s . Then I
heard t h e v o i c e of Nelida r e p e a t i n g what s h e had t o l d me seemingly

l o n g ago, how n o t even t h e body i s o u r s t o keep; t h a t t h e e s s e n c e of

l i f e i s borrowed, n o t o u r s t o c l i n g t o . The e s s e n c e of l i f e is t l u i d
and our awareness must be a l s o f l u i d t o move w i t h i t , o r i t i s f o r e v e r

s c a t t e r e d i n t h e f r a g m e n t a t i o n of t h e world i n t o which we were born.

B u t t h a t t h e r e i s a way o u t , and t h a t i s t o l e t go and be n o t h i n g .

.
', I opened my e y e s , and saw t h a t I was s t i l l s i t t i n g on t h e bench
.,
by t h e pond, but i n s t e a d of Z u l e i c a , l i m i l i t o was t h e r e s t a r i n g a t me.
So was C a r l o s and don J u a n , N e l i d a and o t h e r p e o p l e m i l l i n g a b o u t t h e
p a t i o . Food had been s e t o u t on a s i d e b o a r d . I was i n t h e midst of a
p a r t going f u l l force. P e o p l e were having a l i v e l y d i s c u s s i o n . They

were comparing d e s c r i p t i o n s of t h e i r t r a v e l s , of t h e t h i n g s t h e y had

s e e n i n t h e twin u n i v e r s e , a s t h e y c a l l e d it.
"There i s pope but he i s n ' t c e l i b a t e , " C a r l o s s a i d . "He h a s a f a t
and loud mouthed w i f e . "

"Ah but does he live in Rome?" don Juan asked c r y p t i c a l l y . He

seemed t o be more r e l a x e d t h a n u s u a l ; almost j o v i a l .

C a r l o s thought f o r a moment a s it i t were a t r i c k q u e s t i o n .
"I have seen t h e most e x q u i s i t e grove o t t r e e s , " E m i l i t o i n t e r -
r u p t e d . "They a r e dark green and enormous. E x c e l l e n t t o r t r e e climb-
-9
ing.
 ' I have talked t o many p e o p l e , t h e y a r e h e a l t h y and v i t a l , but

t o t a l l y c l o s e d minded," don Juan added. "They a r e u n a b l e t o imagine o r

speculate. A l l t h e i r behavior i s r i t u a l i s t i c , compulsive and governed
by r u l e s ."
" T h e i r language i s t a s c i n a t i n g , " C a r l o s continued. "The funda-
mental unit is not the phoneme based on sound, but a s y n t a c t i c a l

s t r u c t u r a l element. T h e i r b r a i n s d i r e c t l y impinge on one another in

t h e form o f an agreed upon s t r u c t u r a l framework governed by r u l e s of
syntax. "

' I have s e e n a typewriter t h a t w r i t e s with syllables, pretixes

and s u f f i c e s i n s t e a d of l e t t e r s . t;ach key i s p r a c t i c a l l y a word i n
i t s e l f , " don Juan s a i d . " T h a t ' s something f o r T a i s h a t o e x p l o r e . "

I became v e r y e x i t e d upon h e a r i n g about such a machine. I wanted

,)
t o know more about i t , but o t h e r people c o n t r i b u t e d t h e i r d e s c r i p t i o n s
o t d i s c o v e r i e s they had made about t h a t world. I learned t h a t t h e
people t h e r e had a p e r i o d i c t a b l e of chemical e l e m e n t s , but i n s t e a d of

having t h e u s u a l 3 2 elements; t h e i r world had 76 e l e m e n t s , and some of

them were n o t t h e same a s t h e ones i n our world.
"There a r e some animals t h a t a r e v e r y s t r a n g e , " don' V i c e n t e . s a i d .

"And v e r y u n u s u a l p l a n t s I had n e v e r encountered before. Much of t h e

knowledge t o r c u r i n g comes from t h i s world."

I had a moment of sudden i n s p i r a t i o n . "You're t a l k i n g a b o u t t h e

realm of t h e i n v i s i b l e people o t t h e Monte," I said. "You mean t h e

Yaqui i n d i a n s a r e r i g h t ? There r e a l l y i s such a world p a r a l l e l t o our

own. And magical p l a n t s and animals r e a l l y do e x i s t ? "

Don J u a n nodded. "The sad p a r t i s , however, that for t h e 'Caqui
indians t h e realm o t t h e i n v i s i b l e i s now o n l y a myth. They c a n c a t c h
323
glimpses of i t , but t h e y cannot e n t e r it with t h e t o t a l i t y of them-
s e l v e s . So f o r them i t must remain o n l y a p a r t of t h e i r mythology."
"Why i s t h a t ? " I asked.

"Their everyday world h a s become t o o r e a l and a l l encompassing

t o r them." don Juan e x p l a i n e d . "The door has been sealed shut by a

b a r r i e r of human concern t h a t t h e y cannot p e n e t r a t e . However, i t was
n o t always l i k e t h i s ; but now t h e western world has impinged on t h e

Yaqui s o p o w e r f u l l y t h a t , f o r them, t h a t door remains f o r e v e r s e a l e d . .

A l l they can do is t o r e l a t e s t o r i e s of t h a t world and t e l l t a l e s of

magic and wonder from a bygone time."

I looked around f o r L u l e i c a but s h e was no where i n s i g h t . Then I
n o t i c e d t h a t my s u r r o u n d i n g s l o o ~ e dsomehow different. Although we
were i n t h e same house, i t was n o t t h e same. I t looked more l i k e t h e

p a t i o and house d i d a f t e r a long s e s s i o n of g a z i n g a t the s t o n e s and

wails. I c o u l d n ' t put my f i n g e r on i t , but I r e a l i z e d t h e t i l e s were

n o t e x a c t l y s q u a r e ; they were rhomboid, and there was an ever s o

s l i g h t t i l t t o t h e f l o o r and w a l l s . If I had my l e v e l e r and plumb l i n e

w i t h me, I c o u l d have determined t h e i r v e r t i c a l i t y f o r c e r t a i n . A s it

was, they seemed to be shifting a s t h e y d i d a f t e r my s e s s i o n s of

gazing. . .

The t i l e s were shinny and v i b r a t e d c a u s i n g t h e i r shapes t o a l t e r

every s o slightly. The roof beams of t h e c o r r i d o r were n o t p a r a l l e l

a s they should have been. And then I noticed t h a t t h e t r e e s were

d i f f e r e n t too. Larger, f u l l e r , t h e i r f o l i a g e more dense. And w h i l e I
was a t i t , I n o t i c e d t h e people i n the patio. They looked p r i s t i n e ,
p u r e , empty a s i f they had form but no s u b s t a n c e .
 Umilito stared at me the way Z u l e i c a had done whenever I was

t o t a l l y preoccupied w i t h something in order to gain my a t t e n t i o n .

Then I saw him wink a t me and nod h i s head. Suddenly I knew what h i s
s e c r e t was, t h e m y s t e r i e s he had wanted t o reveal t o me when I had

enough energy t o comprehend it. Now I grasped i t w i t h o u t him having

t o t e l l me. He was Z u l e i c a ' s dreaming body. That was t h e r e a s o n why
Z u l e i c a w a s n ' t t h e r e i n t h e room.

E m i l i t o nodded s i l e n t l y w a i t i n g t o r me t o f i n i s h w i t h my bubbling
realizations. I knew a l s o t h a t i t t h a t was s o , t h e n I , t o o , was i n my

dreaming body and s o was everyone i n t h e room and t h a t was why t h e y

seemed so s p a r k l i n g . What's more, t h e house, t h e bench, t h e tables,

t h e food t h a t had been s e t o u t i n t h e p a t i o , a l l were p a r t of a n o t h e r

world. I had c r o s s e d over i n t o t h e twin world w i t h o u t even r e a l i z i n g
it. And that meant that the d i s c o v e r i e s t h a t everyone had been
s h a r i n g , were n o t about some inaccessible distant dream w o r l d , but

about t h e very r e a l i t y which we were now i n h a b i t i n g .

The minute I r e a l i z e d t h i s , Emilito s a i d , "That's r i g h t ' Taisha.

I am t h e o t h e r s i d e o t Z u l e i c a , and you a r e your dream body, t h e o t h e r

side ot yourself. You have used t h e e n e r g e t i c wave trom t h e u n i v e r s e

t o c r o s s o v e r t o t h e p a r a l l e l w o r l d , t h e one t h a t e x i s t s next t o our

own. "

I pinched myselt t o s e e i t I was r e a l , and seemed t o be a s s o l i d

a s could be, g i v e n my s t a t e o t e x c i t a t i o n and e b u l l i e n c e upon r e a l i z -

i n g where I was.
"We are in another braid o t t h e universe," Emilito explained.
?'t
I "The one o v e r l a p p i n g w i t h t h e world of every day l i f e ; made up of t h e
same energy only s l i g h t l y d i f f e r e n t . Now you know what i t means t o

325
 become i n v i s i b l e , and what i t i s l i k e t o be s t a l k i n g w i t h t h e double.
And why we always stress sobriety and control. Without c o n t r o l
awareness i s d i s b u r s e d . You can do w i t h o u t t h e s e l t o t everyday l i f e ,
b u t you c a n ' t do w i t h o u t s o b r i e t y and c l a r i t y . Awareness must remain

i n t a c t , no m a t t e r where you f i n d y o u r s e l f s o t h a t you can c o n t i n u e t o

perceive. "

I embraced Emilito and thanked him tor a l l h i s h e l p . To my

s u r p r i s e seemed t o be s o l i d , and y e t he wasn't, for we encompassed

volumes o t s p a c e , l i k e two g i g a n t i c p i l l o w s embracing. But t h e r e a s o n
I could g r a s p him, was because I, too, was billowous and w i t h o u t

substance.
' H u t how is it possible t h a t you a r e a man when Z u l e i c a i s a
woman?" I asked. "My dream body i s not that of a man." I touched
I
myself q u i c k l y t o s e e i f what I was s a y i n g w a s t r u e .
"The n a g u a l J u l i a n t a u g h t u s how t o move o u r assemblage p o i n t s t o
t h e p o s i t i o n o r a man," E m i l i t o e x p l a i n e d . ' I t was an e x t r a o r d i n a r y

challenge t o be male and 1 took it. I t ' s s o tiresome t o have a h o l e

between your l e g s , " he added w i t h an e x a g g e r a t e d sigh. "It leads t o

a l l s o r t s of o u t l a n d i s h behavior."
Everyone laughed i n agreement, e s p e c i a l l y t h e female members o t
t h e group. Then I saw C a r l o s s i g n a l l i n g me t o cove over t o him. I
realized I had known him f o r e v e r and now I knew where i t w a s t h a t we

had met. I t was n o t i n t h e a n t h r o p o l o g y department of the university,

as I had f i r s t t h o u g h t , but i t was h e r e i n t h e t w i n world which I had

visited otten. Me had done many t h i n g s on t h i s s i d e , t h i n g s t h a t were

i n c o n c e i v a b l e trom t h e p o i n t o t view o t t h e everyday world.

3L6
 Then I saw a young woman about my age. She was b l o n d , had biue

eyes and was p e t i t e and very p r e t t y . Her name was F l o r i n d a , and s h e

was t h e ward of t h e o l d e r woman, w i t h t h e same name, who was N e l i d a ' s

counterpart.

"You and I a r e s i s t e r s , " I s a i d embracing h e r a f f e c t i o n a t e l y , f o r

I recognized h e r from o t h e r e n c o u n t e r s , a l t h o u g h I c o u l d n o t remember

them i n d e t a i l .

'Kemember each o t h e r w e l l , " don Juan s a i d . "Because y o u ' l l meet

again in t h e world o t everyday L i f e and w i l l f o r g o t t e n t h a t you knew
each o t h e r . You w i l l have t o reconstruct this feeling o f unbiased
a f f e c t i o n from s c r a t c h . "
The n a g u a l woman, C a r o l was t h e r e t o o whom I remembered s e e i n g
before. She was t h e young woman who had g i v e n Carols t h e bread i n t h e
bakery i n Hermosilio. But I a l r e a d y knew h e r . She had h e l p e d h o i s t me
up i n t o t h e t r e e house and had looked a f t e r me w h i l e I was unconscious

f o r t h r e e days and two n i g h t s .

"And we a l s o w i l l meet a g a i n on t h e o t h e r s i d e , " s h e s a i d l i s p i n g
a b i t on t h e word ' s i d e ' . "But we won't f o r g e t . W e ' l l always remember
that we loved each other," and she embrace me w i t h s u c h g e n u i n e

a f f e c t i o n t h a t a n overwhelming emotion enveloped me and I knew we were

t i e d t o each o t h e r f o r e v e r a c r o s s u n i v e r s e s .
Don J u a n s t o o d t h e t h r e e of us around Carlos and moved our heads

t o g e t h e r s o t h a t t h e y touched. He t o l d u s t h a t his task was t o make

c e r t a i n through a l l our t r a i n i n g t h a t o u r assemblage p o i n t s would be
i n t h e same p o s i t i o n . And even though our assemblage p o i n t s would be

constantly displaced throughout o u r t r a i n i n g , t h e y would' move a t t h e

same r a t e and i n t h e same d i r e c t i o n , so t h a t the four ot u s would

327
 function as a single unit and be a b l e t o amalgamate a c o n s i s t e n t

r e a l i t y t h a t we s h a r e d .
"For some time C a r o l w i l l have t o s t a y on t h i s s i d e w i t h u s , " he
went on. "Hut you w i l l n o t r e a l l y be s e p a r a t e d ; t h e bond of energy s e t

up i n t h i s world w i l l hold across the boundaries between t h e twin

u n i v e r s e s . You o n l y have t o be s i l e n t and abandon y o u r s e l f t o know
where each o t t h e o t h e r i s . "

I knew what he meant, but I a l s o became t r i g h t e n e d . from e x p e r i -

ence it was e v i d e n t that the u n i v e r s e was v a s t and one c o u l d e a s i l y
g e t l o s t . I a l s o was aware or my tendency t o indulge i n s e l t obsess-
ions and in struggles tor independence which could o n l y s e t up

b a r r i e r s and block t h e energy h o l d i n g us t o g e t h e r . The most dangerous

part was t h a t we would meet a g a i n i n t h e world human a f f a i r s , where
i
our power would be minimal, diminished by t h e concerns of daily l i f e
and t h e absence of don J u a n and t h e energy of h i s s o r c e r e r group. We
would be o p e r a t i n g on a low l e v e l awareness, c o l o r e d by t h e massive
interference or t h e bulk o t humanity with t h e i r own o b s e s s i o n s and
concerns.

'Florinda w i l l be your companion and act as your c o u n t e r bal-

a n c e , " don Juan s a i d . "She'll see t o it t h a t you d o n ' t i n d u l g e t o o

much. I f you do, s h e w i l l be a t your t h r o a t l i k e a f e r o c i o u s j a g u a r . "
F l o r i n d a l e t o u t a growl and c l i c k e d h e r t e e t h t o g e t h e r r e p e a t e d -

l y i n a b i t i n g motion. Hveryone laughed.

" B e t t e r watcn o u t , o r s h e ' l l be a t your t h r o a t , " don J u a n warned.

" ~ n dI w i l l n e v e r be a t your t h r o a t , " C a r o l s a i d s o o t h i n g l y .

"Listen t o k'lorinda; s h e is more s o b e r t h a n you. The two of you
 w i l l f l a n k t h e new n a g u a l , and journey w i t h him, p e r f e c t i n g y o u r s e l v e s

u n t i l C a r o l Tiggs r e t u r n s . "
"When w i l l s h e come back?" I asked.

'Only power can decide that," don Juan replied. "And your
i m p e c c a b i l i t y . " He paused t o r a moment. " I t you want t o s e e your loved
one again. Be impeccable. Do your r e c a p i t u l a t i o n and d o n ' t t h i n k
about y o u r s e l v e s . "

C a r o l gave us a w i s t f u l s m i l e u r g i n g us on.
"I'm c o u n t i n g on you, T a i s h a , " she whispered so no one could
h e a r . "You w i l l p u l l me and I w i l l p u l l you. Agreed?"
I nodded but w o r d l e s s l y a s k e d , how? She showed me h e r l e f t hand.
She was wearing a gold and diamond r i n g t h a t looked Like a t i n y mons-
.,h,

\7 t r a n c e . She t o l d me t o gaze a t it for a moment and t o remember i t

always. Because one day, s h e would g i v e it t o me a s a s i g n t h a t we had
been t o g e t h e r b e f o r e .
"In the world of everyday L i t e it i s so easy t o f o r g e t , " she

s a i d . "Token of proof a r e always welcomed."

' I ' l l never t o r g e t , " I swore embracing her. " I ' l l p u l l you w i t h
my a f r e c t i o n . "

"This a f t e r n o o n you have enough energy t o g r a s p t h e t r u t h o f t h e

t w i n u n i v e r s e a s a bonafide realm o f e x i s t e n c e , " don J u a n s a i d . "But
it's not that easy to cross over with your body. You can c a t c h

glimpses of it i n dreams, but; to come here with the t o t a l i t y of

yourself takes y e a r s of t r a i n i n g and s t o r i n g 'energy, and even t h e n ,
t h e r e a r e c o u n t l e s s o D s t a c l e s and no g u a r a n t e e s . "
9,
"Then I w o n ' t go back," I s a i d . " I ' l l s t a y h e r e w i t h a l l o t you.
 " T h a t ' s n o t p o s s i b l e , " he said sternly. "You have to pertect

yourself i n t h e world o t human being. You have t o begin from t h a t

p o i n t and journey here."
' Nhy'/"
"Because t h a t i s were t h e bulk of your energy is r o o t e d . riesides
there i s no advantage of being on t h i s s i d e . A s t a l k e r must be f l u i d

s o t h a t y o u can move anywhere. You must be a t e a s e and impeccable no

m a t t e r where you a r e ; i n t h i s world, o r i n t h e one i n which you l i v e ,
o r i n any o t h e r p l a c e i n t h e i n f i n i t e band of p o s s i b i l i t i e s t h a t makes
u s s e n t i e n t beings."
"Leave t h e s e l f behind, and you can go anywhere," C a r o l s a i d .
"Your t a s k i s t o d i s s o l v e e v e r y t h i n g t h a t makes a human being grounded
i n t h e world of human beings."

"Then, I ' l l l e a v e e v e r y t h i n g h e r e , " I s a i d .

Don Juan smiled. He advised me that w h i l e we were i n t h e
everyday world, all the energy gleaned from recapitulating and
impeccable a c t i o n s would be a b l e t o c r o s s o v e r t o be s t o r e d h e r e w i t h
them. C a r o l would remain t o a c t as a beacon and t o help consolidate

our double. The more impeccable we were and t h e l e s s emphasis we

p l a c e d on our p e r s o n a l s e l v e s , t h e more we would s t r e n g t h e n our other

s i d e , o r energy body.

" f o u w i l l be l i k e s q u i r r e l s g a t h e r i n g n u t s f o r t h e w i n t e r , " Carol

said. "Your e n e r g e t i c s e l v e s w i l l g e t s t r o n g e r and more c o n c i s e , u n t i l

one day you w i l l be a b l e t o t i p t h e s c a l e s and f i n d t h e e n t i r e t y of

y o u r being on t h i s s i d e w i t h n o t h i n g l e t t f o r t h e world of t h e human

apes. "
 That day, she s a i d , we would become i n v i s i b l e t o t h e human eye
and we would c o n s o l i d a t e t h e t o t a l i t y of o u r s e l v e s on t h e o t h e r s i d e .
I t was a l l c r y s t a l c l e a r . I knew now the importance of t h e
sorcerers' training; the recapitulation was t o r i d o n e s e l f of o n e ' s

remembered p a s t and to release one's trapped energy; losing self

importance prevented one from p l a c i n g undue energy on t h e f a b r i c a t e d

s o c i a l s e l l , t h e r e b y making i t i n t o a permanent f e a t u r e . The s o r c e r y

p a s s e s enable one t o d i s s o l v e t h e s o l i d i t y of o n e ' s body and p u r i t y i t

e n e r g e t i c a l l y . Losing p e r s o n a l h i s t o r y t r e e s one from t h e compulsion
of r e l a t i n g oneself t o a single mode of b e i n g , atid p r e v e n t s u s from
~

being pinned down by o t h e r s w i t h t h e i r t h o u g h t s a n d ' e x p e c t a t i o n s .

To t e s t one's progress and t r a n s f o r m a t i o n , s o r c e r e r s use petty

j tyrants they find in their daily world., I n t h i s way, t h e y make

. .,.;
c e r t a i n t h a t change i s n l t . m k r e l y an ideality but an a c t u a l bodily
metamorphoses on a fundamental energetic level. Hy r e g a r d i n g t h e

world a s c o n t r o l l e d folly, a stalker is assured of n o t becoming

entangled with human concerns. Only i n t h i s way can o n e l i b e r a t e

enough energy and become t l u i d t o move w i t h o n e ' s body i n t o t h e twin
world.

Guieting t h e i n t e r n a l d i a l o g u e through t h e g a z i n g t e c h n i q u e s has

a t r i p l e purpose: f i r s t i t blocks t h e reinforcement and a f f i r m a t i o n s

we c o n s t a n t l y g i v e o u r s e l v e s t h a t t h e world i s such and s u c h ; second,

i t e n a b l e u s t o s t o r e energy needed t o m a k e t h e c r o s s i n g ; and t h i r d ,

it c r e a t e s an opening i n o u r e n e r g e t i c bodies s o t h a t t h e waves from

t h e u n i v e r s e can tumble u s o v e r t o t h e o t h e r s i d e .
I thought of what L u l e i c a had s a i d about l e t t i n g go and becoming
invisible. Now I knew why e v e r y t h i n g c h a t i s human had t o be abandon-
 ed. S o r c e r e r s u t i l i z e t h e same methods as do t h e phenomenologists,
such as suspending judgement, questioning the taken f o r granted

a s p e c t s of space and time. But sorcerers do not merely d e s c r i b e

phenomena but t o actually transcend r e a l i t y . Reality i s constituted

by t h e e x i s t e n c e and c o n d i t i o n of o u r s e n s e apparatus t h a t enable us

to perceive the world. S o r c e r e r s , by d e l i b e r a t e l y and c o n s i s t e n t l y
enhancing t h a t c a p a c i t y f o r perception .through storing e n e r g y , and
they l i b e r a t e themselves from t h e imprisonment of a s i n g l e mode of
being. S o r c e r y i s really the capacity to perceive more than t h e
a v e r a g e person.

'Taisha is phil-osophizing even i n t h e twin world," timilito s a i d

o u t loud.
"Let her c o n c e p t u a l i z e and s p e c u l a t e all she wants," don J u a n
. ..
s a i d . "Some day s h e w i l l be a b l e t o l i v e n e r r e a l i z a t i o n s . Hesides,
i t means s h e and C a r l o s w i l l g e t a l o n g famously. We a l l Know how he
i s g i v e n t o a n a l y s i s and c o n c e p t u a l i n t e r p r e t a t i o n s . "

"Like t h e n a g u a l t i l i a s b e f o r e u s , " B m i l i t o s a i d .
Don Juan nodded.
"Well, t h e n l e t Taisha s p e c u l a t e on this," t i m i l i t o s a i d . "The

h e r e ' and t h e r e of t h e t r e e house."

I t u r n e d t o f a c e him. H i s eyes were glowing w i t h t h e excitement
of a revelation. With a nodding o f h i s head h e coaxed me t o t h i n k

a b o u t it. I was a t a l o s s a s t o what he was r e f e r r i n g t o .

" ~ i v i ni n~ t h e t r e e house, gave you a d i f f e r e n t p e r s p e c t i v e on
t h e r e h e r e and t h e r e , " he s a i d .

' I don' t know what you mean."

 "There was no h o r i z o n i n your w o r l d , " he s a i d b r i n g i n g h i s f a c e

s o c l o s e t o mine t h a t h i s f e a t u r e s became b l u r r e d .
I t dawned on me t h e n t h a t h a l t o t C l a r a ' s house, t h e grounds a t
the f r o n t p a r t of her place, i n c l u d i n g t h e g i a n t t r e e s and t h e t r e e
house, had a l l e x i s t e d in the twin world. I had a l r e a d y spend many
months o r my t r a i n i n g on t h i s s i d e . llo wonder E m i l i t o had i n s i s t e d

t h a t I r e c a p i t u l a t e again, saying I had t o do i t s e v e r a l times f o r

t h e r e were many l a y e r s of e x i s t e n c e t o break through. I had t o do i t
once w i t h my everyday body and a g a i n w i t h t h e double.
What's more, E m i l i t o was r i g h t ; my extended stay in the tree

house and t h e t r e e s , had a l t e r e d t h e r e l a t i o n s h i p between my body and

t h e ground. My assemblage p o i n t , o r c e n t e r t o r o r g a n i z i n g p e r c e p t i o n ,
had been displaced to another p o i n t on my e n e r g e t i c body, t h e r e b y
\
e n a b l i n g me t o e x p e r i e n c e different spacial and temporal r e l a t i o n -
ships.

Now that I focused my a t t e n t i o n on i t , I remembered t h a t t h e

f o l i a g e of many of t h e t r e e s was s o t h i c k t h a t t h e sky a s w e l l as t h e

horizon were completely obscured. P e r c e p t i o n of t h e world i n t h e

t r e e s ~ w a sn o t l a i d out i n terms of d i s t a n t and c l o s e space. Rather

e v e r y t h i n g was immediate, i n t i m a t e l y related t o my body. I t was a

s u p e r b t r a i n i n g t o expand the limits of my awareness of space. The

more I climbed t h e t r e e s , t h e more f l u i d my assemblage p o i n t became,

u n t i l I could swing from branch to branch teeling no s e p a r a t i o n

between myself and my surroundings.
I t gave me a new p e r s p e c t i v e on t h e w o r l d , t o t a l l y d i f t e r e n t from

t h e one I had w h i l e I was on t h e ground. I n o r d e r t o climb t h e t r e e s

I had t o match my p h y s i c a l i t y w i t h t h a t of t h e branches and l e a v e s .

 My e n t i r e e x i s t e n c e was determined by the here and now. For any
distraction could have caused a lost o t b a l a n c e and a f a l l t o my
death. A t any given moment, a l l of me was focused on a specific

concern; t h a t o t maneuvering through t h e branches. P a s t , f u t u r e , and

t h e f a r away had a l l merged into a single point: t h e immediate now

which was governed by my p a r t i c u l a r t a s k a t hand.

I had d i s s o l v e d my o l d mode of being in the world through my

t i r s t r e c a p i t u l a t i o n i n t h e c a v e , and I had incorporated a new one--

that ot a tree dweller--by n e v e r leaving t h e t r e e s . I experienced a

new b o d i l y s o l i d i t y t h a t a t times would e x p r e s s itself in an i n t e n s e

f e e l i n g o t claustrophobia. I c o u l d d i s p e l t h i s by e i t h e r merging w i t h

t h e t r e e s e n e r g e t i c a l l y , o r by c r e a t i n g a new e x p e r i e n c e of space o r

i
t i m e , i n which c a s e my body had t o d i s s o l v e t h e branches around me and

move beyond them. I did t h i s through a second r e c a p i t u l a t i o n , which

expanded my temporal horizon; and through practicing t h e bodily
movements E m i l i t o would p e r i o d i c a l l y show me from t h e ground, which
expanded my s p a c i a l horizon.

"You r e c a p i t u l a t e d i n t h e t r e e s , p r a c t i c e d dreaming and i n t e n d i n g

in the t r e e s and even were able t o do movements outside the trees

leaping with your energetic body i n t o a d i f f e r e n t realm," limilito
reminded me. "A11 t h i s is stalking with the double. It was made
p o s s i b l e by abandoning t h e memory of t h e l i m i t s of t h e p h y s i c a l s e l f . "

'You moved from t h e t r e e s t o a n o t h e r r e a l i t y , " don Juan s a i d . "A

r e a l m which i s i n a c c e s s i b l e from t h e world of everyday l i f e . You used

intending t o c a t a p u l t y o u . from one b r a i d of t h e u n i v e r s e t o a n o t h e r .

Now you know what we meanwhen we say t h a t intending a r e wings t h a t
carry a sorcerer across t h e span of e t e r n i t y . Soon my p a r t y w i l l be

334
l e a v i n g on t h o s e wings, but we w i l l meet a g a i n , somewhere i n t h e t o l d s
of dreaming and trom t h e r e c a t a p u l t o u r s e l v e s t o freedom."
I wanted t o ask him when and where t h e y would be going and more
s p e c i f i c a l l y how we would catapult ourselves to freedom, but my

dreaming energy was waning. I knew I would be waking up soon i n t h e

world of every day l i f e , and, t h e r e , I would f o r g e t most of what had

t r a n s p i r e d here. It would be like a v i v i d dream, fragmented f o r a

short while, then it would f a d e and merge with the dense f o g t h a t
s e p a r a t e d t h e twin u n i v e r s e s .

"I have t o go now," I s a i d . "I d o n ' t suppose you could keep me

h e r e w i t h you?"
"l'lo." don Juan s a i d t i r m l y . " I t you come it w i l l have t o be on
t h e wings of i n t e n t blown by your own f l u i d i t y . "
I thought o t Nelida's a d v i c e of always s a y i n g goodbye t o each
moment because i t would never a g a i n r e t u r n . She caught t h e d r i f t of
my thoughts.

'Impeccability is s a y i n g h e l l o , thank you and goodbye a l l i n one

moment through your s u p e r b a c t i o n s , " she said as she embraced me.

"That way you will always be a t e a s e , w i t h no r e g r e t s , and w i t h

n o t h i n g pending."
I nodded. I t summed up e v e r y t h i n g I telt in a nutshell so that

nothing more needed to be said. I looked a t everyone, t r y i n g t o

i n c o r p o r a t e them i n my g a z i n g memory b e f o r e they faded i n t o t h e t o g .

I woke up g r a d u a l l y becoming s o l i d a g a i n . I was l a y i n g i n my bed

in Zuleica's house, numb and d i s o r i e n t e d . And t h e n 1 remembered b i t s

and p i e c e s o t a g i a n t mosaic. I knew t h a t a n o t h e r world existed, a
335
 world t h a t was a s real as t h e one I had l e a r n e d t o c a l l my own. I

knew t h a t I was n o t h i n g . That whatever I thought I was, i s a fabrica-

t i o n , a temporary c o n s o l i d a t i o n o t components h e l d t o g e t h e r by a f o r c e
f o r some e t t e c t . b u t i t could never be taken for real. There was

another reality, parallel to our own, and i t t o o w a s n ' t r e a l . The

p o s i t i o n o t o u r assemblage points was everything. I t amalgamated
worlds upon w o r l d s and enabled us t o e x p e r i e n c e them a s o u r w o r l d , a s
t h e world.
The world o t everyday l i f e was o n l y one perceptual p o s s i b i l i t y
out o t a n i n f i n i t e number of p o s s i b i l i t y t h a t make up e x i s t e n c e . The

s t a l k e r s t r a i n i n g i s t o be t l u i d , i n v i s i b l e w i t h o u t a t t a c h m e n t t o s e l f
and t h i n g s , so that one c o u l d s h i f t back and t o r c h a t e a s e w i t h o u t
l o s i n g energy o r g e t t i n g l o s t .
L i v i n g i n t h e world o t everyday l i f e was Like being a student i n
a class. I had t o give a good p r e s e n t a t i o n , I had t o a p p e a r t h a t I
knew what I was t a l k i n g a b o u t , t h a t I meant what I said. I needed t o

s t r i v e f o r o r d e r and coherence. Hut when t h e c l a s s was o v e r , whatever

was s a i d meant n o t h i n g , it was o n l y an orderly structure created t o r

t h a t moment and n o t meant t o e v e r be t a k e n s e r i o u s l y a s something r e a l

o r believable. I t was an e x e r c i s e which had t o be d i s c a r d e d when t h e

need was o v e r s o t h a t one could move on i n a n e v e r ending journey.

So it was w i t h t h e twin r e a l i t y . I t was made up of people and

animals and v e g e t a t i o n j u s t l i k e o u r world, o n l y d i t t e r e n t . The grove

of t r e e s i n C l a r a ' s house, t h e t r e e house, E m i l i t o and myself a l l had
been p a r t o t t h e t w i n world. I r e a l i z e d I had s p e n t entire stretches
o t time t h e r e without even knowing it. I had been a b l e t o e n t e r i t
'1
under t h e power of don J u a n and h i s group of s o r c e r e r s who t r a i n e d me.
 t

He and h i s group o t s o r c e r e r s througti a l i f e t i m e of t r a i n i n g had

scored enough energy to cross back and f o r t h w i t h o u t l o s i n g t h e i r

awareness, t h e i r c o n t r o l aad s o b r i e t y . With t r a i n i n g I , t o o , would be
able to make t h e great crossing and have enough energy not o n l y t o
p e r c e i v e t h e twin world b u t t o hold t h a t p o s i t i o n of t h e assemblage
p o i n t long enough t o remember i t i n d e t a i l . And w i t h added energy t o
be a b l e t o d e s c r i b e t h e p l a c e and t h e path so that the l i s t e n e r on
this side would be able t o comprehend them and perhaps even t o make
t h a t journey h i m s e l f .

C a r l o s came i n t o t h e room where I had awoken. tie examined my eyes

t o see i f I was myself a g a i n and nodded s a t i s f i e d . He t o l d me t o g e t ,..~'

my t h i n g s t o g e t h e r t o r we were returning to Los Angeles. A new

'*, academic y e a r would be s t a r t i n g soon, and it would n o t be a u s p i c i o u s

. ,
.
,,'
,!
t o m i s s t h e f i r s t day of c l a s s e s .