June 23, 2022

Is love really that complicated? ...and beautiful? (don’t mind this opening question haha…I’m
reading twilight for a while now and of course watching it.)
I dunno if I’m being productive or being self-indulgent today. This unproductivity thing always
happened every after I had a busy productive day just like yesterday. I read the twilight saga
book three and finished 100 pages, I didn’t even sleep a blink anymore after I refuse sleeping for
two days. I’m still fine, and feel in control so I’m not really that upset or depressed. I even think
that this mild frustration toward myself which I’ve been feeling is healthy and positively helping
me to be constant in my habits and strive more for development.
There are still many things I’m newly aware of, and need changing. But the good thing is I’m not
anymore pressuring myself lethally as I was months ago. I just filling my life with real peace
now. I’m enjoying my life in every possible way that I know. I’m getting better at expressing
myself. This is actually a really difficult thing for me before, I grow up an awkward worm with
only timidity and unbelievable cynicism. It doesn’t absolutely match. I couldn’t fit socially
without trying and struggling, it was so stupid and sad on my part but I’m handling better now. I
need a lot of growing, and recently I taught myself to stop overthinking about this. I want to
grow on my own pace right now, maybe behind but maybe not so behind, yeah still behind but it
won’t matter in the future.
Every time I feel sick with myself and suddenly upset on things, I just taught myself that all
humans experience being on downhill and its absolutely inevitable. We feel afraid, insecure and
pressured, then I think it will be up to us now how to respond on that. We are given almost the
same dilemma but still we made a hundred of ways to respond on that.
I understood things are not permanent, and I am certainly sure that I will be realizing new things
in the future and dismissing my past outlook. I’m still figuring on right things to be done to my
life and to others right now, the right words to be said to myself and to others, the right things to
believe and behold. I’m imperfect, but I’m glad to be walking on positive and certain step right
now, I felt so in control of my life. I truly believe that life is about up and downs.

June 27, 2022

Where’s my promise to write every day. Okay so I’m not badly in need of outlet right now but I
think its necessary to reflect on the happenings lately. The most previous events that took place
actually is my change of laptop and study area/position, my reading and watching of twilight
saga series, and my instant loose schedule (I only have one summer class right now.)
After I change my laptop while simultaneously reading and hooking up with twilight on physical
books, I lost interest on TED ed, over all I lost interest on YouTube. I also realize how fond of
Word Game and Podcast I am a few months ago, then I unconsciously not been doing them
anymore. If I remember correctly, I had changed some of my goals and obsession month ago,
and I’m glad I did. Though I neglect my academic habits such as writing and speaking, I hardly
call this as negative. I just think taking one step at a time is the best for me now. I had created my
academic goals last year, and it got me the healthy habit of reading and relationship with my
modules. I work hard to develop this habit and it’s paying me more than I hoped for so stopping
is impossible now. The diffidence of spontaneity and pressure is barely creeping on me now, I
just feel intelligent enough for my major, just good enough. As I gain new steps for my new
goals, lately I was so grateful that reading is not something that I need to push on myself
anymore. I read for entertainment and personal reasons right now. Maybe Summer is helping me
to maximize this habit. I remember my “Read a book a week for a year”, those times when
reading is not really this fun and entertaining, though I already gain a lot of feedback that time,
but what I’m feeling right now is absolutely different. One factor I consider is the physical sense
of the book that motivate me, but really its more than that.
I know that talking about books is like breathing to me now, and I know better to stop.
I gain control over my academic aspect, and its time to move on to my physical aspect. Of
course, it took a lot of timidity, inferiority and pressure to finally realize the importance of being
beautiful. I would not be embarrassed about this now, okay I’m going to face this new obsession
and goals. I really have many plans for myself, and I could not draw myself rightfully in picture
with these plans, until lately storm hit different and for the first time, I love the idea of defying it.
I have so many plans for myself, and one of these is being beautiful and appealing in a positive
way, but unfortunately, it’s my last of priority. I am not alarmed enough with these things, I feel
fine with the things I have, and that’s it, I’m electrocuted and I just see things clearly now. I have
enough of rebellion, and its time to face the convention which of course I absolutely favor.
I have enough collection of books for my leisure time, and right now I’m just obsessed on the
idea of filling my wardrobe with consideration of myself and everything.
I’m currently crazy for high-waisted loose jeans, as well fit white crop tops, and low-cut nude
shoes and sandals.
This is what I did when I just started reading and I’m going to this in wardrobe version.
JEANS TOPS SHOES BAGS MAKE-UP/ SKIN
ACCESSORIES PRODUCTS
High-Waist Fitted Jeans fit blouse High flat Laptop back Lip balm SP PACKAGE
(black) (white) heel sandal bag (gray) (face)
(nude)
Mid-Waist Fitted Jeans floral blouse Low-cut back bag (blue) Body Lotion
(blue) (white) shoes (nude)
High-Waist loose linen t-shirt Body Scrub
(orange) (black &
white)
High-Waist Fitted Jeans Printed t- Facewash
(blue) shirt (white)
 High-Waist wide Printed t- Face
legged Jeans (black) shirt (blue)
moisturizer
High-Waist wide Striped Face soother
legged Jeans (white) (white)
Mid-Waist jagger jeans Fubu shirt Body soap
(black) (red-violet)

WISHLIST
JEANS TOPS SHOES BAGS MAKE-UP/ SKIN
ACCESSORIES PRODUCTS
Jogging pants (green, fit blouse High flat back bag Eye-liner SP PACKAGE
orange) (white) heel (black gray) (face)
strapped
sandal
(white,
nude)
Mid-Waist Fitted Low-cut back bag Mascara Body Lotion
Jeans (blue) shoes (nude) (blue)
another
style
High-Waist loose Low-cut Body Scrub
linen (orange) high-flat
heeled shoes
(white)
High-Waist Fitted Facewash
Jeans (blue)
High-Waist wide Face moisturizer
legged Jeans (black)
Face soother
Body soap

Beauty is sure about money haha, except for the people who are gifted enough.
June 28, 2022
Well, nothing that much had happened today but I’m quite productive for my own good.
June 29, 2022
I’m nowhere productive today. I’ve been so impatient to myself lately, but overall I felt
accomplished for my own good. Tomorrow will be fine, what are the odds of certain scolding
right now.