Nowadays, social networking is part of our ordinary communication so we have to get

adapted to all newness they are introducing to our lifes.

Firstly, as I see it, this phenomenon has provided us with the instruments to communicate, at
the same time, with people of our city as well as with people living at the other side of the
planet.
This means that this communication has to be controlled by someone or by something. The
social networks introduce controls. When we do some use of the internet, all the information
we search for is still on the cloud, and we don’t know where this information goes or what
are the uses that “the cloud” gives to it.

For that reason, it’s pretty important that the young take responsibility for the uses they make
of social networks, cause all these cookies that we accept without paying attention could be
dangerous for our privacy.
It’s believed that young people can’t take responsibility because they don’t want to be aware
of the situation. At this point I agree. It’s unlikely to be successful with the idea of young
people taking serious control of what they are posting online. They only care about their likes
on their posts and videos without knowing the people behind those likes and comments.

For real, I think that it’s more important to have the opinion of the social networks introducing
controls, because it doesn't matter your age, the internet goes the same way for everyone.
So it’s a global problem, don’t you think?

Corrected
Nowadays, social networking is part of our ordinary communication, so we have to adapt to
the new way of life they are introducing us to.

Firstly, as I see it, this phenomenon has provided us with the instruments to communicate, at
the same time, with people in our city as well as with people living at the other side of the
planet. This means that this communication has to be controlled by someone or by
something. The social networks introduce controls. When we do some use of the internet, all
the information we search for is still on the cloud, and we do not know where this information
goes or how it uses it.

For that reason, it’s pretty important that the young take responsibility for how they use
social networks, because all these cookies that we accept without paying attention to, could
be dangerous for our privacy.
It is believed that young people cannot take responsibility because they do not want to be
aware of the situation. At this point I agree. It is unlikely to be successful with the idea of
young people taking serious control of what they are posting online. They only care about
the likes on their posts and videos without knowing the people behind those likes and
comments.

Due to this, I think that it is more important to have the option of the social networks
introducing controls, because it does not matter how old you are, the internet works the
same way for everyone. So, it’s a global problem, do you not think?
Notas sobre la corrección:
See change to structure, your second paragraph can join the introduction. An advance essay should
have 4 paragraphs: 1- introduction 2 and 3 are you main paragraphs (the two chosen ideas). 4-
conclusion. Keep the introduction and conclusion fairly short so you have enough words left to write
your ideas in paragraph 2 and 3. An essay is formal so don't use contractions. See corrections.