Columbia

citypaperFREE
Volume 2 • Issue 19
August 24th - September 7th

Drinking
on the
Cheap pg3

Weeklies in Crisis pg4

Mister Meaner’s
Crime Watch pg6
Kiplinger
Pay for College pg10
NY Times Crossword
& Red Meat pg15
2 AUGUST 24, 2005 Columbia citypaper
Letters to the Reader citypaper
Dear 5-Points Beautification
Project,
I’m a student at USC and
there’s nothing I like more
than to go down to 5-points
and get fired up on beer. It
used to be such a pretty place,
trees lining the roadsides, col-
ored lights strung through the
branches, paved sidewalks.
Now it looks like an industrial
Dr. Seuss nightmare. And
after a handful of mushrooms
let me tell you - it doesn’t get
any better. After a few Beam
and Cokes a regular walk
down Harden Street turns into
a sidewalk tight rope gauntlet
between the Wall of Beggers
in the College Mart parking lot
and a six foot crater in the
street with spiked rebar and
jagged concrete at the bottom.
So please hurry with your
beatification project. I greatly
look forward to day 5-Points
will return itself from a bulldoz-
er demolition derby back into
the college petting zoo that it
used to be. Here’s to thin
beards, palm trees, silk shirts
and Coronas all over the
place.
Cheers,
Columbia City Paper
Dear Wilbur Smith,
We’re not sure who you
are but we couldn’t help but
notice that you haven’t
changed the bulb in the T and
the H on your huge sign atop
the skyscraper on Gervais St.
It’s not that it bothers us, sir;
it’s just that we’re worried
about you. I know if I’d spent
my whole life amassing a for-
tune to someday have my
name in light-up block letters
across the edifice of an office
building, I’d want it to look per-
fect all the time. Even the time
one of our interns got drunk in
Vegas and did the “project
your likeness 100 feet above
the Vegas strip for $50 a
minute” we made sure he
used his Oxypads. So get that
bulb fixed and try to get back
on the wagon.
We hope you’re taking
care of yourself,
Columbia City Paper
Dear Columbia City Drivers,
Do you ever approach a
traffic light and see brake
lights even if the light is
green? Why do you think that
happens? We don’t know, but
if we counted all the letters we
get asking us to do an article
on bad driving in Columbia,
we’d be forced to actually use
the calculators on our cell
phones. Even the pizza deliv-
ery guys in town are complain-
ing. So I guess all we can say
is that if the light’s not red just
please stay off the brake
pedal.
This is not a public service
announcement,
Columbia City Paper
Dear Lou Holtz, (wherever you
are),
Even though every USC
student and alumnus loved
you like Jesus - until the end
of last years football season
and then treated you like, well,
how the Romans treated
Jesus - we still think you’re a
good guy. Just because The
Gamecock says you left the
team “in shambles and under
investigation” and refuse to
“answer questions,” we under-
stand that’s just that southern
hospitality they warned you
about when you came all the
way down here from Michigan.
The next time we see you in
the bar we’ll buy you a shot of
151 just for having to deal with
the people you put up with all
last year.
See you at the 19th hole,
Columbia City Paper
Columbia
Dear Free Times,
Thank you for your won-
PUBLISHER
derful article on Norman
JOE FOTALLATE
Rockwell. We’re sure the
JOE@COLUMBIACITYPAPER.COM
State Museum thanked you EDITOR
much more in dollar signs COREY HUTCHINS
than we ever could in words.
COREY@COLUMBIACITYPAPER.COM
Kisses,
Columbia City Paper
THE COLUMBIA BEET
HARDY CHILDERS
HARDY@COLUMBIACITYPAPER.COM
Dear Columbia Star,
ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
We just didn’t want to
EDITOR
leave you out. We actualy
BRIAN RAY
enjoy your paper for what it is,
BRIAN@COLUMBIACITYPAPER.COM
it hits any of the 50+ age
INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER
group The State misses.
DAVID AXE
Seriously though, you do a
DAVID@COLUMBIACITYPAPER.COM
good job covering local feel- LEGAL DEPARTMENT
good events and there is cer- ZANDER@COLUMBIACITYPAPER.COM
tianly a market for it. You have
great local news briefs and it’s
GENERAL SALES MANGER
the best place for cheap
PAUL BLAKE
legals. All we ask is that you
PAUL@COLUMBIACITYPAPER.COM
803.446.3458
pick up our paper for your kids
and we’ll grab The Star for our
PRODUCTION MANAGER
grand parents.
TRENHOLM NINESTEIN
Sincerely,
TRENHOLM@COLUMBIACITYPAPER.COM
Columbia City Paper CARTOONS
MAX CANNON "RED MEAT"
TED RALL
Dear incoming USC students,
COLUMNIST
TED RALL
If you haven’t already real- TED@COLUMBIACITYPAPER.COM
ized, this town is a playground
for college kids. Where else
CONTRIBUTERS
can you make a fake ID at
Kinko’s, sell your blood for
OFFICE MANAGER
TAMMY PON
beer money at Plasma
TAMMY@COLUMBIACITYPAPER.COM
Services, buy Everclear at the
liquor store, mix it with a Sonic
slushy then hop on the dollar
ACCOUNT EXECUTIVES
trolley that will take you to 5- HANS GARFUNKEL
Points or the Vista – all within
HANS@COLUMBIACITYPAPER.COM
a five minute walk from your
dorm? And if you get arrested
CRYSTAL FAULKER
on the weekend, no worries,
CRYSTAL@COLUMBIACITYPAPER.COM
the jail is right behind the foot- ADOLPHUS SCHULTZ
ball stadium so you’ll always
ADE@COLUMBIACITYPAPER.COM
be able to find a player who
can give you a lift to the game. NOW HIRING INTERNS FOR:
Have fun this year and SALES
whatever you do, don’t let
school get in the way of your DESIGN
education. DATES
Columbia City Paper
WRITERS

Story by Corey Hutchins
“Columbia Beet” scene
writer, Hardy Childers,
takes us on a one-week
trip of Columbia’s
best dive bars.
After entering the Art Bar, col-
ored strobe lights cut through the
smoke and alcoholic haze like any
NYC after-hours disco bar on a bad
night of stolen hallucinogenics. The
walls are bright electric from the
black lights; a light projection screen
plays scenes from Timothy Leary’s
worst acid nightmare and a wall of
mechanical robots dance in the cor-
ner. With the flash of the light show,
with the spaced out guitars and psy-
chedelic interior and the mind bend-
ing realization that gravity still works
here, the Art Bar is what bars will
someday look like on Mars.
But that’s why you go there, and
nobody knows better than Hardy
Childers, creator of the Columbia
Beet, a Web Site dedicated to what’s
growing in the Columbia under-
ground.
“Talking to people around town
I’ve quickly found that a lot of people
have no clue about what’s going on
in our city except that there’s a lot of
college bars in 5-Points,” he said as
he drank from a bottle of PBR.
Columbia is a party city. It’s
home to a huge college and nearly
40,000 students and young profes-
sionals. Drive down Gervais or
Harden Street and you’ll see the
endless neon sea of beer signs until
two in the morning on any given
night. Even MTV has immortalized
the Knock Knock Club on the
microfiche of our Road Rules
Campus Invasion culture.
But Columbia also has its own
unique nightlife and a list of bars and
clubs that are more off the radar. And
what they have to offer is something
everyone should take a shot at.
“This guide’s mission is to help
dispel the age-old myth that there’s
nothing to do in Columbia,” said
Childers. “We’ll begin our week on
Monday, usually a sleepy night for
most people, but it certainly doesn’t
have to be.”
“New Brookland Tavern hosts
Rock ‘n Roll Monday, a night of
dirty rock ‘n roll and lots of drinking.
After 11pm, when the early show has
been cleared, the party begins. The
main draw besides the music and
the regulars is the house liquor price
- an astounding $1.75. If you don’t
mind bottom shelf, then bottoms up.
If beer is more of your thing then go
for a $1.75 Budweiser also on spe-
cial. I’ve been told that the New
Brookland Tavern has extended
these specials to Tuesday and
Wednesday nights too,” Childers
said.
New Brookland Tavern is just
over the Gervais Street bridge in the
up and coming hipster part of town
known as the Vista West. Park your
car on the street for free or take the
dollar “drunk trolley” from the cam-
pus area. With the backdrop of
Columbia’s skyline behind you just
pretend you’re crossing the Brooklyn
citypaper Columbia AUGUST 24, 2005 3
Bridge.
“A good bet for Tuesday is Taco
Tuesday at The Whig (corner of
Main and Gervais). For only fifty-
cents you can get a taco, either beef
or black bean (for veg-heads), and
for another buck fifty you can get a
can of Schlitz. Malt liquor not your
style? Then shell out an extra fifty
cents for a bottle of Pabst Blue
Ribbon. Tequila is also on special at
$2.50 – about the cheapest in town,”
he said.
“There is an ongoing taco con-
test which last I heard was at forty
tacos. Good luck beating that,”
Childers says. “And be sure to
check out the jukebox which con-
tains a pretty extensive collection of
music from Dinosaur Jr. to Gang of
Four.”
After every third taco over the
record treat yourself to a shot of
tequila on the house. Just clean up
your mess in the bathroom, rookies.
“For one of the strangest events
every week in Columbia, check out
Art Bar for Mr. B’s Goodtime
Karaoke Explosion. Local music
celebrity Chris Bickel (of Guyana
Punchline and In/Humanity fame)
hosts this night of karaoke debauch-
ery where anything goes – and that
includes clothing,” Childers says.
“The song selection is varied.
You could belt out The Smiths or wail
away on Journey. You can get a bot-
tle of Pabst Blue Ribbon or Miller
High Life for $1.75 or get smashed
off house liquor for $2.50.”
Thursdays are tough, Childers
says. The college bars are the main
draw on Thursdays with most of the
big ones holding College Nights with
bikini and wet tee shirt contests.
Nothing like throwing handfuls of
bologna on half naked college coeds
and winning prizes for it with the
Girls Gone Wild camera crew as the
only thing missing.
Get out the fake ID’s, give your
liver a break from Highlife and
splurge on a Corona but don’t forget
the lime. Get out your silk shirts, mini
skirts and dancing shoes. For one
night only, go ahead and pop that
collar. We don’t need to name these
places, just follow the SUV motor-
cade from the Greek Village.
Continued on pg12
4 AUGUST 24, 2005 Columbia citypaper
On the Rag
Story by Corey Hutchins
COLUMBIA, S.C. — A local pho-
tographer is suing Snitch in federal
district court.
The lawsuit involving the weekly
Columbia rag comes after Mary-
Louise Miller, a professional photog-
rapher, said the newspaper infringed
on her copyrights of photographs
she took for Snitch and their use of
her material.
Miller was hired by Snitch in
April, June and July of 2004 to pho-
tograph people and locations to be
used in printed editions of the news-
paper, but says that the photos were
licensed for a one-time use only by
the publication, in printed form, she
wrote in multiple letters to Snitch edi-
tor Jerry Adams.
“Permission was granted for the
one-time use [of] my photographic
images in the print edition only of the
SC Snitch,” Miller wrote in a July 20,
2004 letter. “This permission did not
translate to any other form of publi-
cation and does not include any pro-
fessional courtesies.”
Miller worked “without a signed
freelance contract and through a
series of telephone conversations
and verbal agreements,” Jerry
Adams said. “I knew that [Miller]
could be difficult and was a bit
Weekly Newspapers in Crisis
Can “Alternatives” beat Craigslist?
SAN DIEGO—The poster, of a
smiling man’s face in a red circle with
a diagonal no-parking-style slash
through it, hung on walls at the most
recent convention of the Association
of Alternative Newsweeklies.
Meeting rooms at the Westin were
jammed with editors and publishers
anxiously hatching plans to defend
themselves from this fiend. Down the
hall in the exhibitors’ hall, vendors
offered products guaranteed to help
make him go away once and for all.
The pudgy face terrorizing news-
paperdom belongs to Craig
Newmark, the 51-year-old founder of
craigslist.org, a website that features
classified ads from jobs listings to
threesomes with randy couples.
Craigslist posts about five million
new ads per month, but only charges
for 160,000 listings for jobs—for now.
Craigslist’s profits and capitalization
are somewhat of a mystery, but
where their business is coming from
isn’t: people who used to advertise in
newspapers. Thanks to Craigslist
and other online listings services,
print classified revenues are plum-
meting, both in traditional dailies like
the Seattle Times and the Chicago
Tribune and in the alternative weekly
intense at times, but I have worked
with many creative types and am
used to dealing with quirky people.”
One of the three photos Miller is
suing about is a photograph on the
Snitch South Carolina website and a
WLTX broadcast of a photo she took
of then executive director of the
Public Service Commission (PSC),
Bruce Duke, who resigned after
Snitch’s publication of an investiga-
tive story on him involving resume
fraud.
Story by Ted Rall
papers favored by readers under 40,
like the Seattle Weekly and the
Chicago Reader.
“Some analysts,” says a BBC
business report, “are already predict-
ing that newspaper classified adver-
tising could vanish entirely [because
of Craigslist].” Since classifieds
amount to as much as 40 percent of
a paper’s income, that could force
many to shut down.
Before Craigslist, weeklies were
killing dailies. Noting that adult read-
ership of daily newspapers dropped
from 78 percent in 1950 to 65 per-
cent in 1995, Jeff vonKaenel, owner
of the Sacramento News & Review
and other weeklies, predicted the
end of dailies by 2007: “Within the
next ten years [he wrote in 1997],
most local daily newspapers across
the nation will be out of existence. Or
they will be losing so much money,
they will wish they were out of busi-
ness.” Even after 9/11 prolonged the
recession, vonKaenel’s forecast still
looked realizable. The average
weekly was taking in roughly a third
as much advertising revenue as the
average daily in 2002, but with less
than a tenth of the staff or overhead.
Meanwhile, weeklies were trending
“I have been very explicit about
the rights that were granted for the
shooting fee,” Miller said.
Another photograph Miller is
suing Snitch over is one she took of
PSC chairman Mignon Clyburn at a
Public Service Commission meeting.
“[Miller] used borrowed digital
equipment for that assignment and
had to read the manual to figure out
how to use the camera,” Adams said.
“I thought that was quite unprofes-
sional.”
up—in total number, ad listings, page
count and respectability. Panicked
dailies, trending the opposite direc-
tion with fewer, older readers,
launched so-called “faux weeklies”—
corporate-owned tabloids designed
to appeal to the weeklies’ Gen X and
Y demographic.
The Craigslist phenomenon has
changed all that. Dailies and week-
lies are facing similar drops in ad
revenue, but, unlike so many dailies,
few weeklies are owned by deep-
pocketed corporate parents capable
of weathering sustained losses. And
alternative weeklies are given away
free, so they can’t fall back on sub-
scription revenues. In my hometown,
NY Press has become a study in
page-count entropy. “Is that still thing
in business?” is a standard comment
when the ever-skinnier weekly
comes up in conversation. Greenville
(SC) MetroBeat, Las Vegas Mercury,
and Spokane (WA) Local Planet
have all ceased publication during
the last year.
No one wants to speak for attri-
bution about the crisis in the week-
lies, but staffers sing the same sad
song. “We’re dying,” the editor of a
major weekly confides. “We have all
The publication of Miller’s photos
on the Web site and the broadcast
on an evening newscast by WLTX, is
“outside the scope of the license
granted by Miller and infringed on
her copyrights,” says Baker, Ravenel
& Bender, L.L.P, the law firm Miller
chose to represent her in the federal
suit against Snitch.
After the first publication of
Miller’s photos in Snitch, the defen-
dants infringed on her copyrights by
reproducing, distributing, and dis-
playing the photographs without
Miller’s permission, license or con-
sent, read a June 27, 2005 complaint
issued to the newspaper by Miller’s
attorneys.
Miller’s attorneys also say that
she is willing to accept $45,000.00
from the Columbia Snitch franchise
in order to fully settle her claims. A
normal copyright infringement
charge can be $150,000.00 per vio-
lation if ruled so in court.
The defendants listed in the
case are Jerry Adams, Jim Shine,
Vigilante Press LLC, Snitch LLC,
Snitch Franchising LLC and Snitch
Holdings LLC.
these meetings to deal with
Craigslist, but no one knows what to
do about it. It’s too late for our [news-
paper] website because the Web
readers are gone and they’re never
coming back.”
Another editor at a smaller
weekly is more sanguine: “We’ll sur-
vive for now, but only because we’ve
got one staffer doing the work of the
other two we’ve let go. But I don’t
see how we’ll be able to expand, to
get better.”
Weekly newspapers do impor-
tant work. They publish music
reviews, edgy cartoons (I got my
start in one) and cultural coverage
that matter to young adults—and get
ignored by the dailies. They pride
themselves on their scrappy cover-
age of local news and politics. In
July, for example, federal prosecu-
tors filed criminal medical fraud
charges against a California doctor
as the result of a series that
appeared in OC Weekly. Most are
editorially left-of-center at a time
when the mainstream media is run-
ning right. Whenever one of these
vibrant publications goes out of busi-
ness, it’s a loss for the country.
Continued on pg15

Beer, Pizza and Miss Teen USA
A Tasty Threesome for a Relaxing Night at Home
I was planning to watch The Preparation was key for this
Miss Teen USA pageant this past evening’s Miss Teen USA pageant
Monday and decided to be fully pre- event, so I also picked up some
pared with beer and pizza. gourmet coffee, which would help
However, this couldn’t be just any me recover from a hangover and
beer and pizza for such a special write this stupid
event. I was going to be by myself. article. This
coffee ended up
First the beer. being better
than Starbucks’,
After hanging out in the Woodhill and whether
Mall Target “back to school” isles for World Market
about 20 minutes, I stopped by gets their beans
World Market for a build-your-own in Nam or
six pack of “Beers from around the Mexico, I don’t
World.” I stuck with a summer brews care; it’s good
theme and nearly kicked myself stuff. Time was
when I saw a prepackaged 10 pack of the essence, the show was about
of summer brews, so I ended up get- to begin, and the pizza was needed.
ting both. While the 10 pack was only
$10.99, it ended up including drinks I called in an order for a large
like Hooch Hard Berry, while my pizza with onions, green peppers
handpicked selection had some finer and mushrooms. Papa John’s isn’t
highlights like Shiner Summer Stock like most fast-food places. A large is
and Sierra Nevada Summer Fest. really reminiscent of a smaller size
You’ll be better off spending a few instead of vice versa. When it comes
extra bucks and selecting some of to describing size, Papa John’s isn’t
your own world brews, which is half fooling anyone except for the few
the fun. girls in Columbia I’ve dated. As for
citypaper Columbia AUGUST 24, 2005 5
Food Review by Joe Fotallate
speed, we’re on the same page. The “Weekend at Bernie’s II.”
pizza came within 20 minutes and it
made the evening complete. In regards to taste and speed of
delivery, I crown Papa John’s the
In the past I’ve gotten more crust king of the big pizza chains in
than pizza from Columbia.
Papa, but this
time they had
the right combo.
The toppings
were fresh, too,
which should be
expected when
you charge 15
bucks for a 14-
inch pizza.
Overall, you’ll
get a better value from Domino’s.
Sometimes more pizza for your
money is the right choice. Better yet,
get the best of both worlds and give
noncorporate pizza joints a try like
Dano’s at 254-DANO. Not only is it
better pizza, it’s your own little way of
fighting terrorism in subtler econom-
ic ways. Another side note is that
Papa John’s almost never has
attractive specials unless you actual-
ly enjoyed that free DVD of Allie LaForce, Miss Teen USA
 citypaper Columbia AUGUST 24, 2005 7

Are Your Advertising Dollars Well Spent?

Columbia
citypaper
MEDIA KIT PULLOUT FOR BUSINESS
OWNERS AND ADVERTISING AGENCIES
10 AUGUST 24, 2005 Columbia citypaper
Family Finances
Paying for College? Your Questions Answered
Information on
Kiplinger’s How to Pay
for College Hotline
Cal Brown has some reassuring
advice for parents who are stressed
about how to pay their kids’ college
bills: Chill.
“Don’t get too freaked out,” says
Brown, a financial planner in
McLean, Va. “Whether you’re rich or
poor, there’s money available.”
Brown isn’t just talking through
his financial planner’s hat. His son,
Ryan, is about to begin his third year
on a full-tuition scholarship at
Georgia Southern University, in
Statesboro, Ga.
Ryan qualifies for the free ride
because he’s a Georgia resident (he
lives with his mother) and maintained
a 3.0 grade-point average in high
school and now in college. In some
states, it’s surprisingly easy to get a
full-tuition scholarship — regardless
of your income.
Anticipating tuition bills that can
now exceed $100,000 for four years
at a private school, Kiplinger’s read-
ers often ask how to find free money
for children who are about to start
college. Meanwhile, parents of
younger children want to know how
to make the most of their college
savings.
For example, Emma and Greg
Lee of Dublin, Calif., have invested
in California’s state-sponsored 529
college savings plan for their 2-year-
old daughter, Juliette. They’d like to
know if they can also open a 529
account in New York, which has
lower fees.
Yes, they can. But they should
also keep their California plan
because it has a number of attractive
features, and the difference in fees
isn’t significant.
You, too, can invest in as many
529 plans as you wish. Opening
more than one account could be
especially helpful if your state’s plan
offers an income tax deduction for
contributions (about half the states
do), but doesn’t offer the lowest fees
or the best investment options.
In that case, you could divide
your money among your home
state’s plan — to take advantage of
the tax deduction — and other plans
with more attractive fees and portfo-
lios. (For our take on the best – and
worst — 529 plans, see
kiplinger.com/magazine/links.)
Have more questions? To get
free, customized advice that
addresses your specific situation,
take advantage of Kiplinger’s How to
Pay for College hot line. From 9 a.m.
to 6 p.m. Eastern time on Aug. 26,
you can call 888-919-2345 and put
your college financing questions to
members of the National Association
of Personal Financial Advisers.
12 AUGUST 24, 2005 Columbia citypaper
DRINKING
ON THE
CHEAP
con’t
If College Nights aren’t for you,
even for one day, Hunter-Gatherer
(corner of Main and College St.)
hosts live jazz to a packed house
where you can try out its home
brewed beer.
“While not especially cheap it is
especially strong...and good. A nice
change of scenery from the hustle
and bustle of Hunter-Gatherer can
be found at The Red Tub in the Vista
West where liquor drinks are only $3
and the atmosphere is an excellent
hideaway from, well, everything. Be
sure to ask about the checker board
shots,” said Childers.
If you can’t find something to do
in Columbia on a Friday then it’s time
to put away the bottle of Ativan..
“Lately I’ve been going back and
forth from The Whig and Art Bar
during the process of the night,”
Childers says.
Art Bar hosts ipop! Self-
described as “a late night clash of
Mister Meaner’s
CRIME
WATCH
con’t
29223 8/14/2005
Guy says he heard “several shots
being fired in front of his home,” and
when he went outside saw that two
of his cars had been damaged from
the gunfire. No news on whether he
filed a change of address form yet,
9000 block Windsor Lake Blvd.
29223 8/14/2005
A woman says she heard three gun-
shots fired and several car doors
slam. She also noticed bullet holes in
her window, wall and couch after the
event. Whoever did it hasn’t been
caught so...uh, be careful out there?
1000 block Parliment Lake Drive
29223 8/12/2005
Some sketchy dude walks into a
store and, of all things, steals a
Linoleum Electric brand Welder’s
Pack. We have no idea what you’d
do with that, but it costs $460.00 so it
dance music, pop culture, and elec-
tro bliss,” it’s where you can dance to
the tunes on WUSC-DJ, Peter
Adolphson’s, iPod. If dancing isn’t
your thing then find a rock show at
New Brookland Tavern or an open-
ing night for an art show, which usu-
ally includes free wine and beer.”
“Much like Friday, Saturdays are
the action nights in the soda city,”
Childers says.
Saturdays, bars serve liquor until
2am. Then the lights come on and
you’ll need to catch a cab to Jim
Casey’s (Rosewood) for crappy hour
or find a house party somewhere
near campus or 5-Points.
Most nights Bar None in 5-
Points will stay open until the sun
comes up and has a killer shuffle
board table. But be careful, that
place is a time warp.
For the hardcore drinkers, fill out
a membership card at Durkin’s and
from there you can cross the railroad
tracks and go right your 8am tutorial
on the postmodern condition all effed
up.
Sunday should be a day of rest,
right?
While the city clears out and
stores shut down for church, go out
and hear a pin drop on Assembly
Street. Do whatever you do in the
must be something big. PS - If you’re
reading this buddy, they had you on
camera, 7700 block Two Notch Road
29223 8/11/2005
College is in session! A woman says
someone knocked her mailbox down
by “unknown means.” It was worth
$100.00 too, 100 block Miles Rd
29223 8/12/2005
A 25-year old woman says her
boyfriend grabbed her out of her car
and threw her to the ground. He then
kicked her in the back, but she
refused EMS. 8400 block Two Notch
Road
29223 8/14/2005
A lady called the cops to report a
hole in her garage wall caused by a
“projectile.” She says it caused
$500.00 in damage. We’re guess-
ing...bullet? No? 1000 block
Parliment Lake Drive
29223 8/15/2005
Two guys get in an altercation and
one pulls out a knife and stabs the
other in the ribs and takes off. Cops
catch him though and take him to the
land of sharpened toothbrushes and
homemade ice picks, 1500 block
Crossland Road
29223 8/14/2005
A 68-year old woman says her
$200.00 mailbox was destroyed, 400
block Turkey Point
29223 8/15/2005
Another mailbox was also destroyed
the same night “by unknown means.”
The woman says HER box costs
$210.00, 400 block Turkey Point
29223 8/11/2005
A 52-year old woman said someone
used a baseball bat to smash two
sprinklers in her yard, 200 block
Turkey Point
29223 8/11/2005
The private roadway speed limit
signs on Turkey Point were
destroyed by an unknown subject.
Okay, now it’s getting boring, 200
block Turkey Point
29223 8/11/2005
Ok, I lied, one more, just to show you
that the price of mailboxes in Turkey
Point is somewhere between $20
and $250. Tell your economics pro-
fessor, 300 block Turkey Point
29223 8/11/2005
A 64-year old woman says her
$60.00 mailbox was destroyed as
well. I’m getting tired of writing
Turkey Point, 300 block Turkey Point
29223 8/11/2005
Guess what, some high school kid
probably had a bad day at lacrosse
day, but when the sun goes down get
ready to go find a S.I.N party if you
work in the service industry and want
specials.
“Everything is still open so why
stop now if you’ve gone this far,”
says Childers. “There’s no specific
events that happen weekly on this
day but that shouldn’t stop you from
creating your own.”
Ordering another beer, Hardy
Childers tells the bartender to put it
on Columbia City Paper’s tab.
“The week starts over again and
so do new stories of drunken nights
in Columbia,” he says. “It is very
possible to drink on the cheap in
Columbia and still hit everything
worth going to. There’s a lot of
places such as Uncle Louie’s, State
Street Pub and The China Garden
that serve dollar beers, so if you’re
on an extreme budget there’s always
hope.”
At the end of the night the traffic
lights blink yellow to an empty street.
Above Columbia, the pale blue
morning sky spills over the top of the
South Trust building like heroin from
a hot spoon.
It’s Monday again and that
means school or work. Just for the
day though, because tonight… well,
we know where we’re going.
practice after catching his girlfriend
in the back of the team captions
truck and went ape shit with a base-
ball bat near Turkey Point. We rec-
ommend just having his parents take
him to their next marriage consolers
meeting or something, this is the last
one I’m wiring about you, 300 block
Turkey Point. Gobble, gobble. You’re
hilarious.
29265 8/15/2005
Stealing from Family Dollar is not
only bad karma, it’s also just poor
taste, as this guy found out after
being caught with $20.00 worth of
merchandise, 2000 block Rosewood
 citypaper Columbia AUGUST 24, 2005 13

Columbia Beet Music Calendar

Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday Monday Tuesday
August 24 August 25 August 26 August 27 August 28 August 29 August 30
New Brookland Tavern The Art Bar Cafe Strudel Cafe Strudel New Brookland Tavern New Brookland Tavern New Brookland Tavern
Modern Music Zone.com Dave Britt Band, Westbridge The Near Misses • 9pm Duncan Sheik, David North Lincoln, Paramore,
Kickoff Party- Sterling Y, 8:30pm Poe, Dogwood Saint Your Last Dream, Bedlight for Blue Eyes,
The Art Bar
Namedropper, Boxing Infinite • 8:30pm 7pm Another Castle My American Heart
Hunter Gatherer I am the World Trade
Day, Tigerbot Hesh 88MPH 5pm
Cafe Strudel Vinyl Are My Pants Center, Bolt,
8pm 7pm
Cathedrals of the Soul 10pm Maniquinn • 10pm
Metal Karaoke-
8:30pm Minglewood New Brookland Tavern Hosted and Performed
Minglewood Fat Ellis All Good Citizens, by The Noise
Barney’s Jive Band The Letter Red, 10pm
New Brookland Tavern
Capital R • 5pm
New Brookland Tavern Rainer Maria,
Non-Stop Hip Hop Live
Closer, Agynst, Hail Social, Perfect
Born Naturals, Abys,
Black Domina • 8:30pm Sleeper • 8:30pm
Flatties • 10pm

Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday Monday Tuesday

August 31 September 1 September 2 September 3 September 4 September 5 September 6
New Brookland Tavern The Art Bar New Brookland Tavern New Brookland Tavern New Brookland Tavern New Brookland Tavern
The Blonde Alibi, Sunshone Still, Unwed Sailor, Burns Out Bright, Koufax, LovepumP Baumer,
Grip of Colossus Rob Lindsey • 8:30pm X’s and Y’s, Heist and the Accomplice, 8pm Rahim,
8pm Alaska the Tiger Paper Champions, Tuff Ben Walker Radio
Minglewood The Art Bar
5pm Enuff, Re Vera, Art Lord & 8pm
Incognito Mosquito The Noise, Damn the
the Self Portraits, Monstro,
Sun, Reverend,
New Brookland Tavern Dan Johns, The Map Says We’re
The Thirsties,
The Independents, Lyrikal Buddah, Fucked, Maladroit Mafia,
The Specs, F-13,
The Skuds Amen • 10pm Orgone Accumulator, Then
Haunted Bulldozer,
9pm Came the Dawn • 3pm
Minglewood Lynwood, David
Harmony Grove The Art Bar Adedokun, Guitar Show,
Mouse, The Verna Juicebox
Cannon, Perfect Sleeper 5:45pm

Columbia
citypaper NOW
HIRING
SALES REPRESENTATIVES
Be lazy, ride a base salary and whine
when nothing goes your way.
(Just kidding.)
This is a commission only position,
with up to 40% paid upon collection.

If you want to be your own boss

without having daily B.S. sales
meetings, call 446-3458
14 AUGUST 24, 2005 Columbia citypaper

Good Country People

A review of Novel, by George Singleton
Singleton wins without a fight
when it comes to making fun of the
South. That’s because, like Faulkner
and even O’Connor, he really, really,
really hates it. To show us just how
much that’s the case he’s
dreamed up his own
Yoknapatawpha and
called it Gruel, a town
where there’s nothing to
do but drink your liver into
a raisin.
Meet Novel—a
depressed stranger in a
strange land who’s read a
little too much Beckett
and Kant to find the sim-
ple pleasure in possum-
from-a-can or a night out with the
average Gruelian. That’s right, his
name is Novel—a source of chagrin.
To make up for this advantage in
intelligence, and to compensate for
his weird name, he spends a lot of
cash numbing his mind with alcohol.
Novel’s job? He handles snakes
by day and writes career-killer
speeches for aloof politicians. What
about his wife? In a smirk-inducing
parody of the various strains of gim-
micky diet fads, Novel tells us how
she made a fortune by opening her
own Sneeze ‘n Tone clinic, which
helped thousands of fatsos slim
down by inducing extended fits of
sneezing.
Novel’s dream is to write—hold
your breath—a novel. He gets there,
all right, although via one circuitous
route. He does a lot of
weird things that, in the
end, only provide a skele-
ton for Singleton’s satire.
No plot here. Not a great
deal in the way of charac-
ters either. What we have
is a succession of increas-
ingly absurd episodes that
build into an even more
absurd finale. Well, at least
he’s funny sometimes.
Before plunging into his
memoir, for example, Novel estab-
lishes a fraudulent resort for aspiring
writers. This is where Singleton hits
his high notes—making fun of peo-
ple, that is.
The most hilarious (and sponta-
neous) lines describe a woman
working on a sequel to the sequel to
Gone with the Wind, which involves
“descendants of Rhett and Scarlett
living in the year 2165 on another
planet, and having a family reunion
on the tricentennial of the Civil War’s
end … She called it Gone with the
Solar Wind, and incorporated a lot of
scientific information she garnered
Book Review by Brian Ray
from a NASA website.”
Singleton’s imagination carries
the novel on its back. In no other
book would you read about a car
crash caused by a cigarette ash
siphoned into an oxygen tank, or a
pair of adopted brats from Ireland
named James and Joyce. You’ll also
read about Novel’s parents, who
make their liveliehoods panning for
gold after they’ve abandoned their
careers as concert pianists. It’s a
feasible way to make ends meet,
since the cost of living in Gruel aver-
ages $50 a month.
To describe the book any other
way, by its storyline for instance,
would undercut this author’s inten-
tions. This is a novel of disparate
parts, not so much a traditional a-b-
c-d kind of work. It makes sense
given Singleton’s experience with
the short story, which has served him
well. He’s well-known for his collec-
tions The Half-Mammals of Dixie and
Why Dogs Chase Cars.
In Novel, Singleton’s writing
approaches the forest fires of his
previous work. But it’s clear that he’s
making a transition to a longer form.
When he’s is on it’s like a nuclear
reactor. When he’s off, it’s like a
meltdown. Oftentimes his witty prose
mutates into a barrage of cheap
shots at our current president or,
worse yet, at our protagonist’s dead
kin.
Of his brother-in-law Irby Cathart
(RIP) Novel remembers “[he] chose
General Studies as a major because
he’d seen the movie Patton and fig-
ured he had a head start.” It’s hard to
believe anyone could be this stupid.
Even so, this is the kind of joke,
made in a bar most likely, at which
everyone rolls their eyes, yawns and,
looking at their watches say, “Well, I
guess it’s about time to be heading
home?”
In addition to some bad jokes
and tedious series of attacks on
Republicans like George Jr., the plot
sags in the middle like a beer gut. It
could, in fact, benefit from one of
those Sneeze ‘n Tone seminars that
helped Novel’s wife shed a few
pounds. It gets especially irritating
when we’re forced to drag ourselves
through section where Novel actual-
ly composes his memoir. In any
case, Novel is worth it for loyal fans.
His tone toward the South reflects a
lot of O’Connor, and his style is dis-
tinctly his own. But those unfamiliar
with Singleton might need to warm
up with a collection of short stories
before plunging headfirst into this
experiment.

HOROSCOPES Aries
March 21- April 19th
Your career is advanced
by Gov. Sanford* today, but it is nothing you
have done. A co-worker is
caught in the company bath-
room clogging the sink with
paper towels and leaving the
water running.
Gemini
May 21- June 20th
You think you came up with a
really good name for a new
soft drink. Don’t bother,
Fresca was created already
12 years ago.
Leo
July 23- Aug 22
You forget the birthday of
someone special. That’s
pretty ironic since you are so
obsessed with people’s signs.
(You know you can really date
a Libra again—They aren’t all
Jerks).
Libra
Sept 23- Oct 22
See Leo. I wasn’t referring to
you. You are a jerk, and
please don’t call her again.
It’s over.
Sagittarius
Nov 22- Dec 21
You run out of canned tuna
for the first time since the y2k
scare, but your wife doesn’t
notice—she’s too busy chas-
tising you about the shoes
you left in the microwave.
Taurus
April 20- May 20
You question whether owning
Phillip Morris stock makes
you a bad person.
Cancer
June 21- July 22
When you call in sick today
don’t use that “stomach virus”
thing again. It is so obvious.
accept things as they are.
You are an American con-
sumer.
Capricorn
Dec 22- Jan 19
Look for inspiration in nature.
The stars and the sun have
many answers, but please
don’t examine you pet’s poop.
Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18th
Make time for yourself, but be
prepared for a visitor. At least
have a nice set of coasters to
put out.
Pisces
Feb 19- March 20
You are holding together
quite well for being a Pisces.
Things are looking grim.
Consider jumping off the
Gervais street bridge.

Virgo Scorpio * DISCLAIMER:

Aug. 23- Sept 22 Oct 23-Nov 21 Gov. Sanford does not actually write

You paid too much for a cable At some point during the day these horoscopes, but we just think he

from radio shack. It was you get bad customer service is a man of vision. Since he is a public

marked up 500% but the and it annoys you. You don’t figure, we have decided to PhotoShop

location was convenient. do anything about it and just him coming out of a genie’s bottle.
 citypaper Columbia AUGUST 24, 2005 15

press conferences. They should

WEEKLIES have hired journalists and pundits to
work beats in Washington, Kabul
IN CRISIS and Baghdad. Sadly, weeklies have
largely failed to exploit this opportu-
con’t nity to differentiate themselves and
Unfortunately the current stan- thus to make themselves essential
dard formula for alternative week- to their readers.
lies—youth-oriented pop culture Finally, weeklies should consid-
plus local news features—appears er the most radical change of all:
inadequate to meet the formidable charging a newsstand price.
challenge of vanishing classifieds. Nothing worth having can stay free
How can they survive? forever. Just ask Craig Newmark in,
As classified ads go away, dis- say, 2007.
play ads become the last game in
town. Media buyers for big advertis-
Snitch is now online at snitchsc.com!

ers find it easier to buy display

HANDWRITING:
ROOSEVELT’S

BUSTING
ads—the big ones with pictures—
PRIVATE “I” >>3
FREE

Billy Bigwig
J UNE 30 - J ULY 6

from chains of dailies that can offer

snitchsc.com V OLUME 2, I SSUE 18

exposure from coast to coast than

to purchase them from one weekly
at a time. Independently-owned
1977 traffic

weeklies and those in mini-chains

stop changed
rookie cop,

could compete by banding together

rookie reporter

to offer group buys to these cus- S

Jerry Adams in his right. “My name is Billy
Editor
Bigwig and my brother’s the god-
damned ____.”

tomers.
umter 1977. That There was an eerie pause as
stretch of West Liberty his words sunk in with White, a
Street was pretty much rookie cop, and with his partner,

Editors and publishers of alter-

Sheriff’s investigator Bob White holds PHOTO BY JERRY ADAMS
deserted in the early morning Bob McIntyre a veteran. Bigwig up a photo of an arrest he made in 1977
hours but the late model car stuck had dropped a prominent name
out as it wandered along the four and assumed that bluster and A young reporter, I was maybe about police discretion and

native weekly newspapers have

lanes headed back toward town. political clout would get him one year into my first fulltime changed the blustering name-
Sumter city police officer Bob quickly back on the road. newspaper job. I happily covered dropper’s name to Billy Bigwig.
White flipped on the blue light, “Who’s that?” Bigwig asked the police as pone of several beats Bigwig had his 15 minutes of

long disappointed readers who

turned his cruiser around and fol- as a camera flashed and captured and had decided to ride with the fame and a local merchant even
lowed the weaving vehicle to the the scene. police overnight and write about held a fundraiser featuring a
curb. Fairly new to the police “This is Jerry Adams, sir. He’s whatever happened. To a young Greased Pig chase with the pig

thought “alternative” meant they

force and young, White could not a reporter with the (Sumter) Daily reporter, Bigwig was a story with named Billy Bigwig. The stories
know he also was walking into a Item and he’s riding with us seismic potential. stirred up the local politicians and
surreal few hours and career-alter- tonight,” McIntire said. Bigwig was taken to jail for then life moved on.

offered another outlet for national

ing choices. Bigwig kept running his DUI and subsequently released. Billy Bigwig faded into mem-
“You can’t arrest me,” mouth and White was determined Word spread quickly that he’d ory until I ran across the photo of
stormed the irate, red-faced and to charge him and get him off the been stopped for driving drunk. his arrest and decided to tell the

and international news and politics.

balding man who popped out of road, just as he said he would have He wasn’t charged. His name story for Snitch. Then I coinci-
his car with folding money in his done with anybody else. Bigwig wasn’t used in my coverage for dentally ran across Bob White,
left hand and his driver’s license was arrested and taken to jail. The Item but I did write a story who is now head of internal affairs

After the national media embedded crimestoppers Crime doesn’t pay, but we do! 888-559-TIPS
continued on page 4

itself in the Bush Administration’s

post-9/11 propaganda machine, Editors note:
media observers expected weeklies
to fill the void by publishing exposes The final Snitch ceased publish-
and points of view that differed from ing in Kentucky last week, proving
“news” transcribed from official that Snitch was not a profitable alt
statements and choreographed weekly model.

Edited by Will Shortz No. 0718 Edited by Will Shortz No. 0720
ACROSS 37 The woman of 60 Word said 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 ACROSS 31 “___ and the 50 He was second 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13

1 Swine Lennon’s before opening 1 Pillow toppers, King of Siam” 56 1974 Peace
14 15 16
5 “Money ___ “Woman” the eyes 14 15 16 in hotels 32 Café alternative Nobelist
everything” 38 Dik Browne’s 61 Cain’s victim 6 Paycheck 33 Children’s 58 Vex 17 18 19
17 18 19
9 Northern “Hi and ___” 62 & 63 First two deduction author Carle 59 Bee-related
Scandinavians 39 Strikingly bright names of Guy 20 21 22 10 Place for a firing 34 Baseball Hall-of- 60 Twice tetra- 20 21 22

14 Toward shelter, de Maupassant Famer George 61 Major

40 Habeas corpus, 23 24 25
14 “Save me ___” 23 24 25 26 27
nautically 64 Inlet 35 Over there paperback
e.g. 15 Rodin sculpture
15 Burn the 65 Advances of 36 What 20- and publisher 28 29 30 31 32
41 Make a boo-boo 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 at the Met
surface of money 50-Across did 62 Patty Hearst’s
42 2005 Christo 16 Become on July 20, 1969 name in the
16 Devoured 66 Conclusions 33 34 35 36 37 33 34 35
display in New tiresome S.L.A.
quickly 67 Looks at 40 Tree with a
17 Soft light York City, with 38 39 40 17 Cool cat’s winged seed 63 Many a stadium 36 37 38 39
“the” acknowledg- concession
18 Give new decor DOWN 41 Actress Kudrow 40 41 42
43 Social class
41 42 43 ment 64 Looked over
19 Desmond of and others
1 Dik Browne’s 18 Parks of 65 Organic
“Sunset Blvd.” 44 Got quiet, with “___ the 44 45 46 47 42 Prefix with trust 43 44 45 46
Montgomery compounds
20 Lungful “down” Horrible” 43 Early touring car
48 49 50 51 52 19 Audio 47 48 49
21 1976 Hoffman/ 46 Take back, as 2 Stan’s partner 44 1946
equipment DOWN
Olivier film one’s story in old comedy 53 54 55 56 57 58 brand Wimbledon 50 51 52 53 54 55
23 Music from champion 1 Primary
48 Draft status 3 Title song of a 20 He was first
Jamaica 1966 hit movie 59 60 61 Pauline 2 “Woe ___!” 56 57 58 59
50 Hold back 23 Acquires 45 Sign of affection 3 Classic soft
25 Dover fish 4 Darn, as socks 62 63 64 drink brand 60 61 62
26 Coward’s color 53 Character who 24 Swiss stream 47 Joanne of “All
debuted in All 5 Tel Aviv’s land
29 Portugal’s 25 Presidential the King’s Men” 4 Offensive 63
6 Prophet 65 66 67 64 65
capital Star Comics, inits. from 48 Spanish bear football position
December 1941 7 Nothin’ Missouri 5 State capital Puzzle by Roy Leban
33 It may be acute Puzzle by Randy Sowell 49 Female singer
or obtuse 58 August 1 sign 8 Brings (out) 28 Many a car at the original originally known
34 Nick Charles’s 45 One of the M’s 53 Actor Ken of 28 Poster heading 38 Requiem Mass 52 Plant with
9 Lipstick transaction Woodstock as Pig’s Eye
35 Master hand 59 April 1 sign wife in MoMA TV’s “Wiseguy” hymn lance-shaped
ingredient 6 Works the land 29 Chalk remover
36 Workshop 39 Almond leaves
10 Makes up (for) 47 Construction 54 Creme cookie 7 Wedding
ANSWER TO PREVIOUS PUZZLE gripper ANSWER TO PREVIOUS PUZZLE 30 Figure on a confection 53 El ___
site machines exchange window shade
11 Salon job, 55 Ship of
I N Q U E U E O N L E A V E 39 Darth ___ of 49 Cognizant F A T S B I T E D I T C H 8 Clickers 45 Heel 54 Lockup
informally Columbus 31 Desilu
S O U N D S L I K E A P L A N “Star Wars” L U E K I D O L E N O L A 9 Imaginary 46 Fill with bubbles 55 Genetic strands
12 Cougar 51 Christopher of 56 What a prophet co-founder
T H A T S A G O O D P O I N T 40 Kind of ad “Superman” O D N I G L O M F A T A L undying flower 49 Many a gourmet 56 Weep
13 Bridge reads
O D E G I N K S P E E R 42 Book before W I S N O M E L O S E S O M E 10 Olympian 34 Fenway Park coffee
21 Stag party 52 Bob and 57 Excellent
R A V E N S T E N S E Exodus 57 Darn, as socks I D A O N E Michelle climber
attender Elizabeth of 51 One can be service, in
S T A M E N R H E E G O O D C O P B A D C
O P 11 Major New York- 37 Pasta shape shown it 27-Down
22 ___ up (hid out) 43 Normandy city politics 61 High card
L A T E R O N Y E A M A D B A R N S P A I R S M A T to-Tennessee
A C I D I T Y E A R M A R K 24 Hair goops I R A S S T I R S S A V E route
27 Fail to mention For answers, call 1-900-285-5656, $1.20 a minute; or, with a O T T S C E N T A N N E X 12 Bar topic For answers, call 1-900-285-5656, $1.20 a minute; or, with a
M O C Z E E S T O O D I N credit card, 1-800-814-5554.
28 Be unsteady credit card, 1-800-814-5554. H E S A I D S H E S A I D
M O S T S U R E L Y 13 Big D.C. lobby
Annual subscriptions are available for the best of Sunday Annual subscriptions are available for the best of Sunday
E L T O N I C E T E A 30 Brendan Behan A R F F I G 21 Whiskey grain crosswords from the last 50 years: 1-888-7-ACROSS.
crosswords from the last 50 years: 1-888-7-ACROSS.
S H O D R O M A N I D O book O N A G A I N O F F A G A I N 22 Sound off, Online subscriptions: Today's puzzle and more than 2,000
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past puzzles, nytimes.com/crosswords ($34.95 a year).
A S A M A T T E R O F F A C T 32 Observe N O R S E B A E R N E A T 26 Bamboo pieces Share tips: nytimes.com/puzzleforum. Crosswords for young
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S A Y S Y E S O R T O L A N 33 Actor Guinness solvers: nytimes.com/learning/xwords. I R A T E S L A T G A M E 27 See 57-Down solvers: nytimes.com/learning/xwords.
16 AUGUST 24, 2005 Columbia citypaper