columbia

citypaper FREE
Volume 1 • Issue 12
January 26 - February 9
www.columbiacitypaper.com

Read the Soundboard! The Whipping Post

Plus: State House Report takes on Lucero
2 citypaper January 26, 2006
3 Imagine a state with no property tax. People are talking.
11
citypaper
columbia
803.446.3458
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letters@columbiacitypaper.com
Publisher Paul F. Blake
Editor Aidan Carter
Music Editor Sean Rayford
Music Listings Hardy Childers
Contributors Chris Bickel, Andy
Brack, Max Cannon, Matt Jones,
Aaron McGruder, Will Moredock,
Ted Rall, Gov. Mark Sanford, Dan
Savage, Will Shortz
Advertising Account Executives
Hardy Childers, Todd Morehead
Advertisers in Columbia City Paper as-
sume responsibility for the entire con-
tent of their advertisements. The first
copy of Columbia City Paper is free.
Additional copies are $1 each. Views
expressed do not necessarily represent
the opinions of Columbia City Paper or
its publisher. (C)2006 Columbia City
Paper, LLC.
I N S I
3 Every Child Left Behind
In South Carolina, daycares have a closed-door policy
6 House of Tax
7 State House Report: More Secrecy
Not Needed in State Government
Smoky back rooms where the public isn’t invited -- that’s where some
state lawmakers would like to do business.
8 Mr. Meaner’s Crime Watch
Some people will do great things for a 12-pack of Budwesier
10 The New Face of Southern Rock
14 Gov. Mark Sanford’s Astrology
Letters to the Reader
Dear Columbia Star,
Thanks for keeping Columbia’s
elderly population so thoroughly
entertained. We at CCP especially
enjoyed the Jan. 6 cover story about
the lady who has been impersonating
Minnie Pearl for 52 years. Do you think
we could get her ringside at CCP’s
annual Women’s Vanilla Pudding
Wrestling Smackdown?
Columbia City Paper
Dear Rep. Bob Inglis,
We are glad that you finally admitted
that global warming exists, telling the
Post & Courier: “It’s interesting what
happens when you have an opportunity
to learn some facts.” Ah, you’ve
changed, Bob. But we remember the
good old days, such as the time you
said: “The homosexual agenda of the
1990s is a campaign of perversity.”
Remember that one? You were railing
against a bill that would protect gays
under laws that currently ban workplace
discrimination based on race, religion
or national origin. We are glad you
are becoming more progressive, just
like your buddy Sen. Lindsay Graham,
who now pretends to be a middle-of-
D E
road politician as Election Day nears.
Remember Sen. Graham’s good old
days, Bob? He was the key senator
pushing for President Bill Clinton’s
impeachment. In South Carolina, it’s
good to know that our politicians are
— er, um — uniters, not dividers. That’s
the jargon, right?
Columbia City Paper
Dear Vista West Riverfront Condo
Developers,
We appreciate that you’re sparking
economic growth in Cayce and West
Columbia, but it’s awful that you razed
the natural landscape along West
Columbia Riverwalk. I guess we’ll just
have to enjoy the natural beauty of the
large walls surrounding your million-
dollar compounds. Have any ideas for
colors? We suggest green, which will
match the color of your pockets and
the vegetation you destroyed. Cheers!
Columbia City Paper
Dear Gov. Mark Sanford,
We decided not to make fun of you
this issue. You’re off the hook, good
Letters
12
10
buddy. And thanks again for writing our
horoscopes.
Columbia City Paper
Dear USC students,
We would like to take this space in
our print newspaper empire to recognize
Tyron McFarlan as the USC alumni who
recently took the job as ringmaster for
the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey
Circus. Now, a lot of people think the
story about the circus should be that
PETA is protesting for the way the circus
treats animals. Whether that’s true or
not, we’re wondering if the fact that a
USC graduate landed the job as head
clown means that USC is a publicly
acknowledged and respected “clown
college.”
Columbia City Paper
Dear Corey Hutchins,
We know you’re a star these days,
what with your name in the papers and
face on TV. But get with it, pal. Your 15
minutes expired. It’s time to swallow
your pride, buy a fire extinguisher and
come back to work.
Columbia City Paper
 Cover Story
Every Child Left Behind
In South Carolina, it’s easier to learn about a
used car than your child’s daycare center.
he debate in South Carolina
over diverting time, money
and resources to “Put
Parents in Charge” ignores
a vast body of research
showing that public and
private investment and regulation to
improve the quality of preschool daycare
programs provides a much better bang
for the buck. Even more astounding is
the defensive posture of some in the
industry and their friends in the General
Assembly when it comes to letting a
little sunshine into the process. Though
child care advocates are pushing for a
system that would rate daycare facilities
so parents can see if a center is making
the grade, in South Carolina it’s easier to
get information on the quality of a used
car than on your child’s daycare center.
Roaches scrambling among babies’
By Chris McCarter
cribs. Children on the floor picking up
the droppings from other kids’ plates.
Workers sneaking in oatmeal to feed
deprived babies.
These aren’t Dickensian accounts
from Oliver Twist, but actual conditions
at some child daycare centers in South
Carolina, according to a longtime daycare
worker who surveyed three facilities.
“These kids were hungry,” Julia
Daniels says of a Greenville daycare
center where she was briefly employed.
“There were dozens of kids eating food
cooked from a single microwave oven,
eating cold pork and beans one day
and apple butter sandwiches the next
day. We were sneaking in oatmeal to
feed the babies, and parents routinely
brought in food.”
Daniels, who plans to open her own
daycare center in Greenville, is just one
of a groundswell of child advocates who
would like to see the state implement a
rating system that grades centers like
those in her last home state, Oklahoma,
whose three-star rating system is
ranked among the best in the nation
Almost half of South Carolina
parents have to leave their children
in daycare at some point during
childhood.
The Department of Social Services
(DDS) makes two surprise visits per
year to South Carolina’s 1,631 daycare
centers. Inspectors check for specific
caretaker-child ratios, recordkeeping,
environmental safety and cleanliness,
while the Department of Health &
Environmental Control (DHEC) conducts
its own sanitation inspections.
But statewide, inspection records
and child care complaints show
citypaper January 26, 2006 3
that many centers are violating DDS
regulations, and without individual spot
checks, it’s no easy task for parents to
know what’s going on once they leave
their kids behind closed doors.
State law requires daycare centers
to report when a child is injured. But
DSS records show it’s rare for a center
to report an incident. Even though
parents seldom made complaints, the
only repercussions that centers face
is a requirement to correct policies
and procedures within 60 days of the
complaint. There’s no provision for
levying fines against daycare centers,
and a child daycare center has never
been shut down in South Carolina,
according to Carolyn Brooks, executive
director of the Spartanburg County
chapter of First Steps, a statewide
childcare advocacy group.
4 Columbia citypaper January 26, 2006
“DSS never has enough inspectors
to go around, and there’s no teeth in
any regulations,” Brooks says. “We
pushed for a bill in the House that
would include fines like for restaurant
violations. They can go out and inspect,
but they’re loathe to shut down a
center unless there’s child abuse or
pedophiles working at a center. And
with no rating system, there’s no way
to know whether the inspectors are
finding anything out or not. And most
childcare providers are good people
who love children and want ratings
and see it as a good thing.”
Many parents, meanwhile, are
in a situation where if they lose
childcare, they lose their jobs, and
must depend on the peace of mind
of a regulatory stamp of approval.
“Every child deserves the same
quality, and they have a right to know
that quality and should demand it,”
Brooks says.
DSS spot inspection reports of
South Carolina daycare centers run
the gamut, from “deficiencies” like
caretaker-child ratios that were too high
to having dried urine around toilets,
vents in need of cleaning, cracked
ceiling tiles, water damage, “strong
odor of urine,” fire code violations, and
In South Carolina, some politicians want to hide the truth about children’s daycare centers.
dangerous playground equipment.
In fact, some daycare centers were
cited for failing to perform employee
background checks.
But there also were potentially
dangerous incidents. In October 2004,
at Sunshine House on Fernwood
Glendale Road in Spartanburg, a
forgotten child was left wandering at
night at the closed center’s parking
lot after falling asleep on a bus. A
caretaker told the tot’s grandmother
that his mother had already picked
A forgotten child was left wandering
at night at the closed center’s parking
lot after falling asleep on a bus.
him up earlier that day. The “employee
admitted that he never saw child,”
didn’t use a check-off list and was
fired, according to a state report.
DSS imposed a “deficiency citation”
for lack of supervision and required a
corrective action plan.
In August 2004, a teacher didn’t
show up for work at Merryland Too in
Spartanburg, and three tots wandered
into a busy intersection on Cedar
Spring Road, while 12 others played in
the front parking lot until drivers of a
pickup and SUV blocked the highway
and herded the kids back into the
center’s parking area.
Again, DSS made a deficiency
citation, as the “worker showed a lack
of supervision when children left the
infant room to go out on to the road,”
adding: “Worker was never aware
that the children were gone.” But in a
apologetic tone, the DSS report states
that a plan was put in place for staff
to notify the director if their relief staff
or additional staff didn’t arrive on time,
that the director personally notified the
parents after the incident, and that “it
is worth noting no parent called DSS
offices and no parent removed a child
due to the incident.”
These incidents may be
aberrations among the state’s 1,631
licensed daycare centers, but if you’re
a parent, it’s almost impossible to
know the quality and performance
record of a daycare center. The
reason: Though child advocates have
long pushed for a rating system similar
to North Carolina’s, which has been in
place since 2000, certain legislators,
lobbyists and even many of the state’s
child daycare centers themselves have
been fighting the proposal tooth and
nail.
“The only way to know the quality
is to tour the place and use the best
judgment you can,” says Genesis
Oterro, who moved her then-3-year-
old daughter, Ayla, from a traditional
daycare center to a Montessori school
after she came home repeatedly with
bite marks. “But some just don’t have a
choice,” Oterro adds. “It’s just a matter
of money. Taking care of children is
priority one, and if they don’t have a
certain grade, they shouldn’t be in
business, just like restaurants. I went
to the DSS office numerous times, but
nobody wants to stand in line and go
through stacks of inspection reports.
Restaurants are rated by a sticker near
the door; surely daycare could have
the same kind of deal.”
But they don’t, and there’s no
public database or posting — save the
license itself — indicating the level of
quality (or safety) standards a daycare
center has met. Reports on center
inspections and complaints by the
DSS are only available at state offices
among reams of paperwork.
“Those kinds of things go on in
our state, and a quality rating system
would help,” Brooks says. “Right now,
people only know about where daycare
centers stand by word of mouth.”
Child Care Resource & Referral
(CCR&R) receives calls daily from
parents and employers seeking
information about quality child care
programs, says Director Laurie
Rovin. However, CCR&R cannot
release whether a center has received
complaints, and their counselors
advise parents to contact the licensing
division of DSS Child Care to review
a prospective provider’s compliance
history. CCR&R or parents wanting this
history can only get the information
from DSS by filing a Freedom of
Information Act Request.
“If we know of a severe incident,
obviously we won’t make a referral, but
we can’t get reports from DSS daily,”
Rovin says, adding that finding out
details of incidents at daycare center
requires setting up an appointment to
go to the DSS office.
Child care advocates are pushing
for a program called “Palmetto STARS,”
 Cover Story
which would rate daycare centers from
one to five stars based on threshold
criteria. Under the voluntary program,
most of the state’s licensed daycare
centers would receive two stars, and
the top rated five-star centers would
meet criteria such as having caregivers
and teachers with bachelor’s degrees in
early childhood development.
A vast body of research suggests
that investment in preschool education
provides a rate of return much higher
than investing in K-12 education, as the
return on investment extends 20 to 30
years into the future.
“Over a 30-year period, the
crime rate is reduced by 50 percent
for students with quality preschool,
and while it may be a very high initial
investment, the public return here is
very high versus the cost on prisons,”
says Art Rolnick, an economist for the
Federal Reserve Bank of Minneapolis.
“For the less educated, the crime costs
are huge. If you think about economic
development, I would argue preschool is
the best investment you could make.”
Palmetto STARS, as proposed last
spring, was a five-star voluntary rating
system for child care centers and early
education providers under development
similar to that adopted by 37 States,
including North Carolina, Florida and
Tennessee. Had progress not been
stopped, this proposed quality rating
system would have been quietly piloted
in select counties across the state, with
no fiscal impact on the state budget.
Currently, daycare centers are rated
only on a three-tiered system, ranging
from meeting the minimum standards
to be licensed to being nationally
certified by the National Association
for the Education of Young Children,
whose standards are so high that only
about 15 percent of daycare centers
nationally are certified and about 4
percent in South Carolina.
“This contributes to the lack of
consistency in child care quality across
the state,” Rovin says. “As a state, it
is our belief that we are all striving to
achieve the same goal, which is to
increase the ‘availability of affordable,
quality child care.’ To achieve this goal,
it is critical that parents, child care
providers, business leaders and early
childhood education professionals
work together. Palmetto STARS would
enable consumers to better understand
the key components of quality and
subsequently be better prepared to
select a program that best meets their
child’s learning needs.”
But some in the General Assembly,
most notably Rep. Ralph Davenport,
R-Boiling Springs, have criticized the
proposed rating system, saying it would
burden daycare centers with costs that
would have to be passed on to parents,
rendering daycare unaffordable to low-
and middle-income families. Further,
critics of Palmetto STARS contend that
those that choose to opt out of the
voluntary system would be forced out
of business, as would those with lower
ratings.
Davenport, an influential member of
the House Ways and Means Committee,
successfully attached a rider to last
year’s budget bill that effectively
back-burnered the Palmetto STARS
initiative. This year, he’s already filed a
bill that would create a joint legislative
committee on private childcare facilities
and licensing whose stated goal is to
“create a business-friendly environment
for private childcare facilities without
unnecessary ‘red tape,’ while at the
same time providing for affordable
quality childcare.”
The committee would prohibit a
state agency from implementing new or
amended regulations affecting private
childcare facilities without its approval.
Childcare proponents say the committee
provision would create a bottleneck —
if not erect a wall — barring DSS from
establishing a rating system.
Critics say Davenport’s bill further
politicizes the child care system’s
ability to make quality improvements.
“DSS Child Care Division needs to
be able to make changes that are in
the best interest of the child without
taking every change to three different
committees,” Rovin says, saying the
bill would create further duplication as
the state already has two committees
appointed by the Governor —the Child
Care Coordinating Council and the Child
Care State Advisory Committee. Both of
the existing committees are comprised
of a diverse group of individuals and are
inclusive of South Carolina’s early care
“I find it highly amusing that anyone
would see a lot of red tape in
our state’s daycare system.”
and education community. “If left to do
what has been already mandated, SC
DSS Child Care Division could create
and implement a fair and equitable
voluntary quality rating system that
would be good for children and, if given
a chance, prove to be beneficial to child
care providers,” Rovin says.
She’s not the only one looking
askance at recent legislative maneuvers,
which appear to have at least the
tacit support of some large daycare
operators in the state that fear a ratings
citypaper January 26, 2006 5
system might force
them to make changes
that would cut into
their profits.
“I find it highly
amusing that anyone
would see a lot of red
tape in our state’s
daycare system,”
says Maureen Nery,
operator of UU World
of Children, a daycare
center sponsored
by the Greenville
Unitarian Universalist
Fellowship and based
on the Montessori
System. “I definitely
feel there’s a need for a
rating system of some
kind. Those centers
that are doing what
they should be doing
wouldn’t suffer but
benefit, while those
that aren’t doing what
they should would be
further recognized.”
Two thirds of the
children at Nery’s
center are subsidized
through some type
of scholarship, either Rep. James Smith, pictured here with his son, wants
from the church or to bring accountability and a ratings system to South
from Advocates for Carolina’s daycare industry.
Better Care (ABC), daycare ratings, haven’t increased
the statewide system designed by costs, but rather created impressive
South Carolina to administer the child returns over the life of a child. Forty
care program funded by the Child Care states now have state-funded daycare
and Development Fund (CCDF). South with mandatory licensing, and rating
Carolina parents who meet established systems are under development in
income guidelines may be eligible for other states.
assistance with the cost of their weekly Among North Carolina’s 4,000
child care. Income-eligible parents must licensed daycare centers, those with
be working, in school or in a training the highest five-star rating cost about
program. 40 percent more than the lowest rated,
North Carolina’s “Smart Start” five- according to Dick Clifford, a University
of North Carolina professor and
principal architect of that state’s plan.
But, he said, those at the higher end of
the scale providing higher quality care
receive hundreds of millions of dollars
in subsidies, in the form of federal and
state grants.
“We didn’t see any effect in North
Carolina of reducing access to care,”
says Clifford.
star rating system reaped unambiguous Each daycare center in North
results, says UNC’s Donna Bryant, Carolina is required to prominently post
principal investigator of the program. its license, which includes the number
Since the system was initiated in 2000, of stars the facility received. In addition,
children in better=quality preschool North Carolina operates a child care
programs were better prepared for resource and referral agency which
school. any parent can call to ask the rating of
Meanwhile, a huge body of research, any child daycare center, or conversely
not to mention the experience of 37 find out the centers with three stars or
states that have already implemented above near their home or work.
such a system, shows that stiffer “There’s really no downside to
regulations that include specific quality this rating plan, and those opposing a
criteria, including publicly accessible rating system, whether public or private
6 citypaper January 26, 2006
institutions, don’t see the efficiencies
of a market-driven system,” says Rep.
James Smith, D-Columbia, who’s
says he’ll introduce a bill to enable a
rating system. “It uses the forces of
competition and the free market to raise
the level of care for all systems. Anyone
opposing it has doubts about the free
market.”
As for Davenport’s latest bill, Smith
says: “He’s just trying to defeat [the
ratings system] or stop it from starting...
Like a lot of things, it’s easier to defeat
something than pass it.”
Asked about Davenport’s
motivations, Smith suggested the Boiling
Springs Republican may have been
pressured by a childcare provider in his
district. At press time, Rep. Davenport
had not returned phone calls to his
Boiling Springs home and business and
his legislative office in Columbia.
There have been small steps
forward in lifting the veil on conditions
in the state’s daycare centers. Recently,
the DSS website began posting whether
a licensed daycare center received
a complaint over the past two years,
but no incident details are released.
For example, the Merryland Too and
Sunshine House incidents were only
listed by the dates and described only
as “improper supervision.” At the same
time, the DSS budget and staff that
conducts inspections and investigates
complaints is declining.
Despite these discouraging facts,
there is room for optimism. Last week,
Sen. Joel Lourie (D-Columbia) and Rep.
Smith (D-Columbia) proposed the South
Carolina Pre-Kindergarten Investment
Act of 2006, an initiative to provide
quality early childhood education and
pre-kindergarten experiences to all 4-
year-olds in South Carolina. It would
establish a full-day program (6.5 hours)
following age-appropriate curriculum
aligned with the SC Department of
Education’s standards for literacy,
writing, math and science skills. Classes
will have a teacher-student ratio of 1
to 10 — not to exceed 20 students.
Teachers will be required to be certified
in Early Childhood Education and will
have a qualified teaching assistant in
each classroom.
Perhaps passing the costs directly
to taxpayers will make improving
accountability in our child care system
more palatable to those currently in
opposition, but don’t count on it.
Need help in locating child care?
Call 1-877-467-4800 or visit www.
childcarehelpline.org.
A version of this article originally
appeared in Greenville’s The Beat.
letters@columbiacitypaper.com
House of Tax
In the red-hot housing market, South
Carolina debates the future of property tax
By Will Moredock
The squeaky wheel gets the grease,
and in recent years, the squeakiest
wheel in South Carolina has been
homeowners wailing about property
taxes.
They have much to cry about,
to be sure. Homeowners in the ever-
popular coastal counties and in the
fast-growing Upstate counties of
Greenville, Spartanburg and Pickens
have seen their property values — and
with them, property taxes — go through
the proverbial roof.
The result has been a grassroots
uprising against property taxes, led by
such groups as the S.C. Homeowners
Association. The good news is that
the General Assembly has responded,
demonstrating that at least on some
level, for some people, democracy
works in South Carolina. The bad news
is that legislators have proposed a
host of laws, the most radical of which
would do away with property tax on
residences altogether. Among policy
wonks, it is understood that a good tax
structure is one that relies on sales tax,
income tax and property tax — the old
“three-legged stool” of public finance.
That some lawmakers want to cut
one of the legs off of that stool has a
lot of people upset, especially in the
education and business sectors.
Tax cutters are the ones with the
loudest voices and the ones who have
received the most attention in the past
year. For that reason, it seems fitting
that the League of Women Voters gave
time to some alternative views on tax
reform.
At a forum on the College of
Charleston campus last Wednesday
night, some 100 people came out to hear
four voices express serious skepticism
over the tax-cutting frenzy: Holley
Ulbrich is an economics professor and
senior fellow at the Strom Thurmond
Institute at Clemson University. Bill
Scarborough is a business owner and
represented the Charleston Metro
Chamber of Commerce. Nancy Cook
is chairman of the Charleston County
School Board. And Bill Moore is a
professor of political science at the
College of Charleston.
All the panelists took the position
that a radical reduction or elimination of
property taxes will have unintended and
unpleasant consequences elsewhere,
either in reduced services — particularly
in the field of education — or in sharp
increase to other taxes. Ulbrich and
Moore said that major property tax cuts
would mean a shift of the tax burden
from the rich to the middle class and
the poor.
Scarborough said that tax relief
proposals before the General Assembly
today would shift $490 million dollars in
tax to businesses, which are the engine
of the economy. He was also fearful
that the tax cutters would ultimately
hurt education and that would also hurt
business. “The first thing people want
to see when they come here to build a
factory is our public schools,” he said.
Cook suggested that any property
tax reform include a sunset limit of
no longer than three years, forcing
legislators to revisit the law and assess
its need and impact.
Ulbrich had a better idea: “Tell your
legislators to just say ‘No’ ” to property
tax reform, she said. South Carolina
already has one of the lowest property
tax rates in the nation — 47th among
the 50 states and D.C. — and the
problem is limited geographically and
temporally. The housing boom seems
to be cooling off, she said, which will
help bring property taxes under control.
It is bad governance to radically and
permanently alter the state tax structure
to meet a temporary and local need.
There are better ways to address
the property tax crisis, Ulbrich said.
One of these is circuit breakers, a form
Imagine the tax bill on this slice of the South Carolina dream
Viewpoints
of relief which kicks in when a tax owed
exceeds a certain percentage of income.
The property owner would then get a
reduction or a rebate for the excess
amount. Other proposals included
raising taxes on cigarettes, lifting the
$300 sales tax cap on automobiles and
boats, and taxing services.
Perhaps the most encouraging
words of the evening came from Moore.
Aggrieved property owners have led
the debate up until now, he said, but
other groups are joining the battle.
Research has shown that the most
effective lobbying group in Columbia
is the S.C. Chamber of Commerce,
Moore said. The second most effective
is educators; the third most effective
is government groups. All of these are
against radical tax reform and all are
bringing their weight to bear on the
General Assembly.
“You will see compromise coming
out of this process,” he said. “You will
not see the elimination of property taxes
coming out of this process. You will not
see the elimination of property taxes on
any class of people.”
Until now, competing interests
have generated studies, analyses,
and numbers to prove their points.
What we need now, Moore said, is an
independent study of the proposed
legislation and its long-term impact.
Something else we need is a
cooling-off period on this ugly debate.
letters@columbiacitypaper.com
 citypaper January 26, 2006
More Secrecy Not Needed
in State Government
By Andy Brack
At a time when
people’s confidence in government is
reaching new lows, government doesn’t
need to be more secret. But in Colum-
bia, that’s just what House GOP leaders
seem to want.
In Washington, the U.S. House is
scrambling to make patches to ethics
laws following the downfall of powerful
U.S. Rep. Tom Delay and the corruption
investigation of lobbyist Jack Abramoff,
who pleaded guilty earlier this month
to fraud, tax evasion and conspiracy to
bribe public officials.
Meanwhile across town, President
Bush continues to take criticism for
snooping by big government investi-
gative agencies. Nearby, at Andrew Air
Force Base, caskets of soldiers who
died in the Iraq war continue to arrive
quietly to keep the pictures off TV.
This renewed culture of American
secrecy is dripping into our state. Over
the summer, a project by major news-
papers, the Associated Press and the
S.C. Press Association showed some
municipal police agencies use mone-
tary barriers that keep regular folks from
getting access to public information.
The study also highlighted how local
governing boards also went into secret
sessions too often for things that should
be public.
Now in Columbia, leaders of the
House and Senate Republican caucus-
es want caucus meetings to be private
— even though many lawmakers have
said the public’s business should be
done in public.
In fact, it’s the law. “Every meeting
of all public bodies shall be open to the
public,” says the state’s Freedom of
Information Law. It goes on to list five
reasons that public bodies may close
meetings: discussions of personnel
matters, contracts, matters related to
the development of “security personnel
or devices,” investigative proceedings
and industrial recruitment.
Nowhere in the law does it say pub-
lic officials can meet secretly as a group
for political discussions.
The law says meetings of public
officials should be in public whenever
there is a quorum — a simple majority
— of members present. The law spe-
cifically says legislative committees and
subcommittees must comply.
7
Chef Fatback’s Famous Dinner Dishes:
See the menu and jazz & blues calendar
at www.macsjazznblues.com
House Majority Leader Jim Merrill, Southern Fried chicken,
R-Daniel Island, and Senate Majority Tomato, Cucumber and Onion Salad
Leader Harvey Peeler, R-Gaffney, surely
are doing their jobs in trying to change
state law to allow their caucuses to
meet in secret. Both caucuses have a
majority of members of each chamber.
It’s understandable that they want
to talk party politics and develop strate-
gies so they can beat opponents on the Spinach Lasagna, Meat Lasagna,
floor. And, yes, caucuses are political Zucchini & Squash
organizations, not formal government
structures. HUGE ALL YOU CAN EAT LUNCH BUFFET $9.49
But whenever more than half of the Hours (Closed Sunday): Monday Thursday
11:00 a.m. – 3:00 p.m. 11:00 a.m. – midnight
elected members of a body get together,
they constitute a quorum. In the House, 30 cent buffalo wings- Tuesday
11:00 a.m. – 8:00 p.m.
Friday
1:00 a.m. – 2:00 a.m.
a meeting of 63 members constitutes a Mon & Tues Happy Hour Wednesday
11:00 a.m. – midnight
Saturday
5:00 p.m. – midnight
quorum; the House GOP caucus has 74
members. In the Senate, 24 members
make a quorum; the Senate Republican
1710 MAIN STREET Columbia, S.C.
caucus has 26 members. By law, cau- (across from court house) 803-929-0037
cus meetings with a majority of House
or Senate members present should be
open.
More importantly, operating in more
secrecy is a dangerous threat to lib-
erty. Because the party has majorities
in both chambers, there’s a reasonable
fear that real legislative business, such
as the selection of the House speaker
in the spring, may actually get done in
the caucus instead of an open, general
session.
For years, local governments across
the nation were plagued by the practice
of a few key officials having “the meet-
ing before the meeting” when those in
power gathered before a public meeting
to decide what would happen when the
public meeting started.
Keeping caucus meetings closed
smacks of this notion
State lawmakers are public servants
who get their power and pay from citi-
zens. In serving the public, legislators
should do all of their business in public.
The late Supreme Court Judge Lou-
is Brandeis once said: “Sunshine is the
best disinfectant.” In other words, doing
the public’s business in the open is the
best way for a democracy to operate.
As more people are frustrated by
government, state officials should be
doing more to create transparency and
accountability, not less.
Get More Brack at
www.statehousereport.com
8 citypaper January 12, 2006 Crime Watch

Mr.
A 29-year-old man was charged with
disorderly conduct after “being disorder-

Meaner’s
ly” to members of the staff and citizens
at Hyatt Park. He was told to leave and
began using profanity on the way out.
Officers arrested the man and took him
to the slammer, 950 block Jackson Ave.

29201
An officer stopped a man walking down
the street for carrying a rake. When
asked where he got the rake, the man
told him he found it on a trash pile on
Makeway Drive. The officer asked if he
minded handing over the rake since it

CRIME
appeared to be new. The man gave the
officer the rake. The rake was tagged.
The rake was placed in the evidence

WATCH room. The rake is doing fine. The rake

did not return phone calls by press time,
1200 block Blanding Street

The people involved in these incidents 29201

are innocent until proven guilty. The
accounts come directly from police re-
ports. This is not a court of law.
29206
Only in South Carolina would police get
a report of someone stealing air-condi-
tioning units in January. OK, well, maybe
Mississippi, Alabama, or Georgia — oh,
you know where this is going — 2200
block Waverly Street
29033
During a verbal dispute between two
men in their 20s, one of them said the
other “brandished a firearm.” Members
of the police force reported to the scene
and the individual was “identified,” 1500
block Harden Street
A police officer on patrol noticed a 19-
year-old man lighting a crack pipe in an
alley. When the officer approached, the
man dropped the pipe and stomped on
it. But that didnʼt stop the officer from
field testing the white, rock-like sub-
stances on the copper mesh bowl piece
and glass shards for crack, which of
course they tested positive for. This to-
tally ruins this poor guyʼs chance of ever
being elected president — or does it?
1200 block Laurel Street
29201
Cops found a 51-year-old man passed
out drunk on someoneʼs front lawn. The
man said his name was — seriously!
— Jim Hodges and that he had no per-
manent address. The man was woken
up and taken to jail, 3200 block River
Drive

29201
An officer found a 36-year-old man
wandering around Senate Street while
reporting to a possible trespassing in-
cident. After a consensual search, the
officer found crack on the gentlemen.
This, of course, is on the same street
where South Carolina Attorney General
Henry McMaster lives. This situation can
only getting worse, folks; itʼs not just in
your schools and playgrounds anymore,
2100 block Senate Street
29201
A 64-year-old white man was arrested
for driving under the influence after a
police officer witnessed him blowing a
red light at approximately 40 miles per
hour and refusing to stop for police
lights. Looks like this guy will have to
spend his Social Security money on bail
and a lawyer. Some people never learn,
600 block Harden Street
29201
29203
An officer of the law witnesses a 25-
year-old man with a tattoo on the back
of his neck walking along the railroad
tracks. After contacting the individual,
the officer realized he was wanted by
Lexington County. Police also discov-
ered that he had marijuana on him. And
a pistol, too. Sleep tight tonight folks,
1300 block Elmore Street
29203
What happened to pillow fighting and
ice cube rubdowns? A 29-year-old wom-
an told police her ex-girlfriend came
over and started a fight. The woman
said her ex threw a computer and a fish
tank at her, causing cuts on her shoul-
der. Things you donʼt see on Ellen, 500
block Alcott Drive
29203
A 23-year-old woman said she left her
purse on “Bus #8.” Good chance of get-
ting that back, but if she does, chances
are WIS and The State will run a story
on it called “Guardian Angels,” 1200
block Laurel Street
29203
Two dudes found a gun behind the “G”
building on Laurel Street. Itʼs at the po-
lice station, if you want it back for, uh,
hunting season, or, uh, target practice,
2200 block Laurel Street
29203
A woman told police this week that a
woman called her and told her she
would drag her out and “kick her butt,”
3800 block West Ave.
29203
A clerk at the University Mart told po-
lice that someone came in the store
and stole two cases of beer. But guess
what? Most stores nowadays have vid-
eo cameras. They were busted, 2400
block Taylor Street
29204
A 38-year-old man called the police and
told them he was robbed and beaten
while he was waiting to pick up a friend.
Coincidentally, it happened on Waites
Road. The problem is, the victimʼs friend
had a different story for the cops, and
after speaking to both parties, they de-
cided that no crime was even commit-
ted, 2400 block, Waites Road
29204
A woman called police when another
woman hit her car, then took off. The vic-
tim said she thought the woman who hit
 Crime Watch
24-pack of Budweiser. Budweiser, 2800
block Rosewood Drive
29205
A guy comes home from work and finds
his neighbor sleeping in the bushes
near the edge of his property. The man
wakes him up and the guy starts yell-
ing, swearing and threatening him, then
saunters back to his own house. When
the police show up, the guy tells them
he never threatened anybody. So this is
what happens after college? 700 block
Buckingham Road
29206
A hit-and-run occurred on Devine Street,
and police believe a white-colored SUV
to be a suspect. No clue whether the
SUV had a Ducks Unlimited or “W the
President” sticker on the back or the
Browning or Bass Pro Shops logo. Weʼll
look into that, 2100 block Devine Street
29209
Police reported that on Jan. 19, some-
one stole a whole bunch of medications
“that were inside of a white bag.” And
we thought Hunter S. Thompson was
dead, 1400 block Trinity Drive
citypaper January 12, 2006 9
29210
A 21-year-old dude was caught stealing
a $50 pair of shoes from Dutch Square
Mall, but thatʼs not all. Cops pat him
down and find weed on this clown, and
now heʼs going to have to use that one
phone call, 420 block Bush River Road
29229
Ever call a cab and it takes 40 minutes
to get there? Or maybe it doesnʼt even
come at all? Well itʼs no wonder when
some people canʼt even pay the damn
fare after they get a ride. That happened
to cab #257 this week when some jag-
off ran away without paying after being
dropped off, 2500 block Cherry Street
29439
A man told officers that he went to room
704 at the “Embassy Hotel” and was as-
saulted there. As soon as he walked in
the room, he said, another man “jumped
on him” and punched him in the face,
200 block Stoneridge Drive

Private Investigators

Know The Truth

her was drunk because she had slurred
speech and was unsteady on her feet
(hmm...), and when the cops caught up
with her, thatʼs exactly what they found:
a drunk, 50-year-old woman hitting and
running. Should have stayed home and
watched Desperate Housewives, 2500
block Forest Drive
29204
High-Tech Criminals: In a report titled
“School Threats,” one student was con-
tacted for making some “inappropriate
comments” to another student from his
computer at home. 700 block Adger
Road
29205
A 47-year-old woman said someone
stole 20 milligrams of Adderall from her.
Full Service
Investigations
Process Service
Domestic/ Child Custody
No word yet on whether the entire USC
Medical/ Workers Com
populationʼs test scores have gone up pensation
because of it, 2800 block Superior Surveillance/ Sweeps
Street
Insurance Fraud
29205 Background
Publix Drunk: A clerk at Publix said a
man stole a 24-pack of Budweiser. Letʼs
Checks
say that again — they stole Budweiser.
Thatʼs BUDWEISER! (Full disclosure: Se Habla Espanol
This has nothing to do with typographi-
cal error or gratuitous repetition and
everything to do with Columbia City
Paper trying to get Budweiser of Co-
600-2263
lumbia to advertise with us.) Anyway, Available 24 hours
the dude would have gotten away with Licensed & Bonded
two 24-packs of Budweiser had he not In affiliation with AAA Reliable Detective Agency Inc.
dropped one case on the way out. The
clerk got his license number, though, so
everything is OK. Except for maybe the
10 citypaper January 26, 2006, 2006 The Whipping Post
Soundboard
Arts & Entertainment Columbia citypaper January 26, 2006 11

By Hardy Childers columbiabeet.com

* denotes Criticsʼ Choice

Thursday, January 26 Maladroit Mafia Jesse Payne

Art Bar 7 p.m. Brett Treacy
1211 Park St., Cola Devon V Sunday, February 5
Yukos the Crude New Brookland Tavern 7 p.m. New Brookland Tavern
Lower Case Thieves 122 State St., West Cola
122 State St., West Cola
Almost Jason Non Stop Hip Hop Live
Ham and Cheese Experience
10 p.m.
The Decade
Headliners The Microwaves
700 Gervais St., Cola Sunday, January 29 And After
Chef Dave New Brookland Tavern Hungry Models
8 p.m. 122 State St., West Cola The Stock Market Crash
Stilleto Fight New Roman Times
New Brookland Tavern Millhill 9pm
122 State St., West Cola Slightly Altered
The Story Changes Ploma Drive
The Silverscreen Farwell Flight
On by Seven Dirty Box
Tuesday, February 7
8 p.m. Eddie Kirkand wants “to make love to Headliners
Fuzzbomb
brain” February 14 at Mac’s on Main. 700 Gervais St., Cola
Self Afflicted
The Whig* Luna Halo
5 p.m.
1200 Main St., Cola Needtobreathe
The Ospreys Friday, February 3
Monday, January 30 New Brookland Tavern New Brookland Tavern
9:45 p.m. New Brookland Tavern*
122 State St. West Cola Phonograph
122 State St., West Cola American Aquarium
Ten Missing Days
Friday, January 27 Fall of Troy 7 p.m.
The Letter Red
At All Cost
Cambridge
The Jonbenet
Thank God
Meridian & Maycomb Thursday, February 9
6pm Art Bar
6 p.m.
XTRA|Omega 1211 Park St., Cola
DJ Depth Burns Out Bright
Tuesday, January 31 9pm Ben Walker Radio
New Brookland Tavern*
122 State St., West Cola
Saturday, February 4 New Brookland Tavern
Hamell on Trial 122 State St., West Cola
Art Bar
8 p.m. All Good Citizens
1211 Park St., Cola
The Defilers, a greaser punk trio from Throttlerod Division by Zero
Charleston, arrive January 28. Wednesday, February 1 Moth Second Shift
Headliners How to Vanish Mona Ray
Headliners
700 Gervais St., Cola 4pm
700 Gervais St., Cola
Gaelic Storm The Garage*
Josh Roberts and the Hinges
7 p.m. 728 S. Edisto, Cola
Red Belly Band
Orgone Accumulator Thursday, February 14
New Brookland Tavern Splendid Splendid Mac’s on Main
New Brookland Tavern
122 State St., West Cola Power Star 1710 Main St., Cola
122 State St., West Cola
Extra Blue Kind Kurse Go Back Eddie Kirkand
Havoc Din
Marian Carter 8 p.m.
Juggernaut
7 p.m.
Deleveled
Crash Cadillac Headliners
9 p.m. Thursday, February 2 700 Gervais St., Cola
Art Bar* Namedropper
1211 Park St., Cola Hot Lava Monster
Boxbom Flyby
Saturday, January 28 Nine Pirates
Art Bar*
Rian Adkinson New Brookland Tavern
1211 Park St., Cola
122 State St., West Cola
American Gun
Headliners Distress Case
The Defilers
700 Gervais St., Cola Mile High School
The New York Disco Villains
Corey Smith Blood Shall Rain
Brent McDonald If Ever I Fall
Headliners
8 p.m. 5pm
700 Gervais St., Cola
XX Gauge
Testing Ground
New Brookland Tavern The Downcide
Ben Walker Radio
122 State St., West Cola Mr. Blackwell
In – V Hamell on Trial goes “anti-folk” at
The Stelle Group Mind Your Head 9 p.m.
Xemir New Brookland Tavern January 31.
12 VIEWPOINTS Columbia citypaper January 26, 2006

Barbarians at the Ivory Towers

By Ted Rall

A Republican group’s offer of a the record was witless testimony by

hundred bucks for information leading
to the identification and conviction
of the University of California at Los
Angeles’ “most radical professors” has
all the hallmarks of a cheap publicity
stunt: an abrasive young quotemonger,
the Nixon-style “Dirty Thirty” enemies
list of alleged liberal instructors, and
its attempt to compromise students
willing to furtively tape their teachers’
lectures.
The news media, for which “at first
glance” could equally serve as a motto
and epitaph, have treated the story as
unworthy of serious coverage. Scratch
the surface, however, and it becomes
clear that the UCLA story is a chilling
new front in the right’s offensive against
the last liberal redoubt in America:
academia.
The “Bruin Alumni Association” —
not the actual UCLA alumni association,
but a one-man shell operation run by
disgruntled conservative students.
“This professor always had
something negative to say not only
about the Bush Administration, but
about conservatives in general,” wrote
a snitch about an English class at
Temple University. “She stated on one
occasion that it is impossible to be a
moral capitalist. She stated that the
U.S. does not have the right to say
anything about the Taliban’s record of
oppressing women because the U.S.
oppresses women too.”
Rings true to me.
But Horowitz’s message was as
clear as when it appeared in the original
German: Unless you’re waving the flag
and cheering the president, stay away
from politics. Stick to the textbook.
Though twice as many journalists
vote Democratic as Republican, that’s
the lowest number since 1971. America’s
media, passing off discussions between
David Horowitz wants to identify America’s “most radical professors.”
liberal and 15 percent are conservative.”
At the most elite institutions, including
the Ivy League, the ideological
differential was even wider — 87
percent were self-identified liberals, 13
percent conservatives. There’s a simple
reason for that gap: conservatives, by
definition, are closed-minded. When
in doubt, they favor the status quo.
Republicans give government officials,
the wealthy and others in power the
benefit of the doubt. The small-l liberal
tradition in academia, on the other hand,
relies on the willingness to set aside
preconceived notions and beliefs in the
pursuit of truth, regardless of where it
may lead them. It places progress for
the many over the good of a few elites.
The longer they study society’s complex
problems, academics tend to find that
the simplistic prescriptions advocated
by conservatives don’t work.
There is no such thing as a
conservative intellectual. If people like
Andrew Jones get their way, there won’t
be any liberal ones either.
letters@columbiacitypaper.com

one Andrew Jones, Class of 2003,
age 24 — says it/he merely wants to
“restore an atmosphere of respectful
political discourse on campus.”
Linda Chavez, a former official in
the Reagan White House, assures: “No
one is suggesting that anyone be fired
for his or her views.” Maybe not yet. But
why make a hit list and pay for evidence
of ideological incorrectness — unless
you plan to use them?
Jones is a former researcher
for David Horowitz, a bizarre fringe
neoconservative with his own taste for
enemies lists. Last year, he launched a
website smearing Bush Administration
critics like Phil Donahue and yours truly
by lumping them with Al Qaeda leaders
wanted for Islamist terrorism. Horowitz,
now operating under the banner
“Students for Academic Freedom,” has
spun himself as a self-appointed campus
watchdog arguing that professors with
left-wing views should help themselves
to a nice big cup of shut-the-hell-up or,
better yet, face dismissal. And big-time
media outlets that ought to know better,
such as the New York Times, are taking
him seriously.
Last week, Horowitz spooked the
Pennsylvania Legislature into holding
HUAC-esque hearings on the pernicious
presence of liberal professors in state
colleges and universities. Read into
FREE SESSION!
right-wing extremists and squishy New
Republic centrists as genuine debate,
has silenced the liberals in its ranks.
Leaders of major religious groups, First session is free if you come by
including the traditionally activist
Roman Catholic Church, have cozied before February 8th. Call for details!
up to the right. Corporate power,
historically controlled by Republicans,
has consolidated its hold on all three
branches of government, which are
dominated by the GOP on the federal
level as well as most states.
Institutions of higher education,
where the hearts and minds of America’s
next generation of leaders are formed,
have become the equivalent of the
medieval city-state: tiny refuges where
intellectuals and their students can
Sports nutrition, Vitamins, Bars,
question such conservative articles
of faith as free markets, free trade
Hydroxy Cut, and Ephedra
and American military and corporate
hegemony.
products are back
The nail that sticks out, says the
Japanese proverb, must be pounded
at warehouse prices!
down.
American conservatives, having
pounded their liberal foes into nearly
NUTRITION WAREHOUSE
total submission, see the campus 1531 Broad River Road
culture wars as their chance to finish
the job.
Boozer Shopping Center
“By their own description,” the 803-216-0910
Washington Post reported in March
2005, “72 percent of those teaching at
American universities and colleges are
Cartoons Columbia citypaper January 26, 2006 13

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 14 citypaper January 26, 2006 Horoscopes

“It Makes No Sense”--five things you’d better

JONESIN’ CROSSWORDS
Across
1 Say yes
7 Company referred to as “Brown”
10 Little white lie
13 ___ maximi (butt muscles, scien-
tifically)
14 As well
15 Pantyhose shade
17 Beyond comparison, in the wrong
sense?
19 ___ in (get under control)
20 ___ ex machina
21 Business abbr.
22 They brought myrrh and more
23 They may sneak up on U
25 Telling non-P.C. jokes in public,
for example, in the wrong sense?
28 Who Oprah meets, in a Letterman
joke
30 “It ___” (dramatic self-introduc-
tion)
32 Items that may include heated
seats and digital clocks in Japan
33 Leg, to a film noir detective
34 Carvey who starred in the awful
“The Master of Disguise”
36 Jefferson Davis’s nat.
37 Game that substitutes tackling, in
the wrong sense?
43 Ending for profit or musket
44 LBJ’s younger daughter
45 Hundred-Acre-Wood resident
46 Knock on the head result, in
movies
50 Swindler
51 Hold up
52 Non-biased trial, in the wrong
sense?
54 Tarzan portrayer Ron
56 Reason to visit the school nurse
57 “___ So High” (Tal Bachman
song)
59 Recedes
62 Novelist Waugh
63 Remark of suspicion, in the
wrong sense?
65 Turn glasses into sunglasses,
maybe
66 “Asthma-hound” of cartoons
67 Turkey’s capital
68 Original Legend of Zelda plat-
form, for short
69 Strong insect
70 SAT taker
Down
1 “He’s ___ among men...”
2 Chimney passage
3 Cartoon whose guest voices have
included Leonard Nimoy, Al Gore
and Beck
4 “For ___ and turn...” (“Tainted
Love” lyric)
5 Football figure
6 Abbr. for odds and ends
7 “In ___” (Nirvana album)
8 Despot born with the name Saloth
Sar
9 Pine ___ (cleaner brand)
10 Chicago-area institution home to
the world’s most powerful particle
accelerator
11 Time period that shaped the
keep straight. by Matt Jones
Great Lakes
12 Not muted
16 Pounds, parsecs, or pecks
18 Spreading the gloom
24 Most likely to pass a white-glove
inspection
26 Opulent art style
27 Chapel famous for “The Creation
of Adam”
28 “That’s so gross!”
29 West of the cinema
31 Company behind Hello Kitty
35 CIO’s labormate
38 Puts up again, like a monument
39 Cries of pain
40 Kid likely to move multiple times
41 Hall of Famer Brock
42 Captain’s writings
46 Key for Elgar’s Symphony No. 1
47 Like some rebates
48 Noted creed
49 “Emma” author
53 Monk’s music
55 Spills information
58 Baseball wonk’s tidbit
60 Like Lady Godiva, on horseback
61 Headliner
63 George Gershwin’s brother
64 Compass dir.
©2006 Jonesin’ Crosswords(editor@
jonesincrosswords.com)
For answers to this puzzle, call:
1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute.
Must be 18+. Or to bill to
your credit card, call: 1-800-655-
6548. Reference puzzle #0242.

HOROSCOPES Leo Sagittarius

by Gov. Mark Sanford*
Aries
Ever wondered why you emit a faint
stink of burned rubber? Take off your
parking brake to improve both your
love life and your gas mileage.
Taurus
Like a rum cake at an AA meeting,
you are beset with conflicting in-
terests. You must make a definitive
choice: either keep your Grateful
Dead bumper sticker or the “W: Still
the President” bumper sticker that
you have to display so Daddy will
continue to make your car payment.
You just canʼt have both.
Gemini
Gemini, youʼve made quite a mess of
your life. And you canʼt play the blues
on a ukulele. I think itʼs time to get rid
of your Jimmy Buffett paraphernalia
and join the rest of us here in reality.
The Moon recommends that you
prune any plants you might have on
the 30th of this month. (Iʼll get up with
you after work, dude.)
Virgo
Psst! Hey, Virgo — your fly is open.
Libra
Hereʼs your good deed for the week:
You know that anti-abortion wack
job, who harangues traffic in front
*Gov. Mark Sanford of the State House with little plastic
didn’t really write dead babies hanging from his suit?
the horoscopes. Take him to lunch at Carolina Wings,
We at CCP just then bolt on the check.
think he’s a man of
vision. Scorpio
Use the coming weeks to cultivate
your moustache. And while youʼre at
Cancer it, ladies, take time to cultivate a rich
spiritual life as well (I recommend the
woman with the pink hair and run-
You are a shining beacon of hope for ning mascara on Trinity Broadcast-
Special Ed. programs everywhere. ing Network).
Some things defy description and can
only be experienced in person. Head
to the topless diner at the NC border
on I-95, and when you find yourself
telling a post-menopausal waitress
that her left breast is hanging in your
grits, youʼll know what I mean.
Capricorn
Youʼve always fancied yourself a
fashion maven, a few steps ahead
of the crowd. CCP challenges you to
solidify your place in pop culture his-
tory by bringing back the powdered
wig. We want to see them in J Crew
by 2008.
Aquarius
You wonʼt get past the introduction
to the South Beach Diet Cookbook,
before you work up an appetite and
gorge yourself on a whole bag of To-
tinoʼs Sausage Pizza Pockets.
Pisces
Hang in there: the “Ride ʻem, Valen-
tine Cowboy” novelty boxers that you
wear year-round on laundry days are
almost back in season.
Advice Columbia citypaper January 26, 2006 15
“He likes to wear bright colors. Is he gay?”

Savage Love
By Dan Savage
Recently, my boyfriend and I broke up, one
reason being his lack of initiative in calling me.
I spoke with several of my girlfriends and found
out that they, too, have similar troubles with their
boyfriends. Some of these women are in seri-
ous, long-term, loving relationships. It seems to
me that this is a blight on modern relationships.
Women want to get phone calls from our signifi-
cant others because it lets us know we are cared
for, but men seem to be indifferent, even after it’s
been brought up and discussed. Are we women ask-
ing for too much? Or are men being thoughtless?
—Give Me A Call
I’ve been racking my brain for hours, GMAC,
in a desperate effort to recall if I have ever —
evereverever—received a question that interests
me less than yours. I get a lot of insipid questions
from people about piddling bull, and yet the only
letters I can recall that even come close to yours
are the ones that pour in from straight women
worried that their boyfriends or husbands are se-
cretly gay.
Here’s a sampling from some of those actual
letters (and my actual responses):
(No, he’s not. If he liked me, maybe.)
“My husband has a really close male friend.
They go to games together, and sometimes even
to the gym. Are they gay?” (No, they’re not.
Sometimes even straight guys go to the gym.)
Okay, GMAC, on to your letter:
Straight women want to get phone calls from
their significant others because it lets them know
that they’re cared for, but straight men seem to
be indifferent to making those kinds of calls, even
after it’s been brought up and discussed. So
are women asking too much? Or are men being
thoughtless? Can’t the answer to both questions
be yes?
Yes, straight women are asking too much, TIRED OF STANDING IN LINE AT CORPORATE CHAIN
GMAC. Stereotypical straight men, as every
woman knows, don’t like to gab away on the PRINT SHOPS THAT AREN’T THAT QUICK?
phone. A straight guy would rather show you
he loves you by, say, fixing your car. If you’re
attracted to straight guys, a lack of initiative in
BUY 2000 #10 ENVELOPES GET 500 FREE
the phone-call department is part of the price of ANY STOCK, ANY COLOR INK
admission. Want someone to call you up just to
talk? Get some girlfriends or stop paying off your
credit cards.
Yes, straight men are thoughtless. Stereo-
typical straight women, as every man knows, like
to get little calls, you know, just ’cause. If straight
guys were more thoughtful, it might occur to
them that a direct correlation exists between the
number of little calls a girl gets and the number of
you-know-what.
Finally, GMAC, do me a favor. If you ever find
yourself dating a guy who calls you constantly just
to let you know how much he cares, please don’t
write me a letter like this: “He’s always calling to
check in and tell me he loves me. He’s so consid-
erate, Dan! Do you think he’s gay?” Because we
1137 B AVENUE IN WEST COLUMBIA
both know the answer to that question is yes.
mail@savagelove.net
803-791-8859

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