HUNTING SEASON

Written by

Isabel Link

311 S. Juniper Street

Philadelphia, PA 19107
860.222.5750
INT. SEPTA PLATFORM - DAY

A video snaps to life. It’s grainy. Portrait oriented rather

than landscape. It becomes obvious we’re watching something
shot on an iPhone.

BOB DIGGUM (40), a redneck holding a nerf gun, is recording

the video. He speaks in a trailer trash southern accent.

BOB DIGGUM
My name is Bob Diggum, and this
goes out to everyone who told me I
was insane.

Bob moves the camera to show a large hairy creature

struggling behind him underneath a fishing net.

BOB DIGGUM (CONT’D)

After twenty years of rigorous
Squatchin’, I have finally captured
Bigfoot.

Bob turns the camera towards CARL SKERTS (43) -- yet another
redneck holding a nerf gun.

BOB DIGGUM (CONT’D)

Anything to tell the world, Carl?

CARL SKERTS
Fuck Hillary!

The camera spins again. DARLENE JEBBINS (41), the third and
final redneck, is holding Bigfoot down.

DARLENE JEBBINS
The CIA is probably on their way.

CARL SKERTS
Yeah. ‘Cause they want to take away
our guns!

Carl fires his nerf gun at Bigfoot.

DARLENE JEBBINS
We’ve gotta move. Quick.

CARL SKERTS
Tell them to subscribe!

BOB DIGGUM
Right. Subscribe to the channel for
future Bigfoot content. Good luck,
and happy hunting.
 2.

The video stops. A POP UP appears.

“UPLOAD VIDEO TO YOUTUBE?”

The YES button lights up. A progress bar appears on screen.

Slowly fills.

“UPLOADING”

It finishes.

“UPLOAD COMPLETE!”

INT. OFFICE - DAY

Bob, Carl, and Darlene are all staring wide eyed at

something.

DARLENE JEBBINS
You’ve gotta be shittin’ me.

They’re staring at Bigfoot. Except Bigfoot isn’t actually

Bigfoot.

It’s DANIEL BURNES (23) in a FUR SUIT. The costume’s head has
been removed.

BOB DIGGUM
You’re not Bigfoot?

DANIEL BURNES
Why would I be Bigfoot?

CARL SKERTS
You’ve seen what you’re wearin’,
right?

DANIEL BURNES
This is a costume.

DARLENE JEBBINS
You some sort of mascot?

DANIEL BURNES
Sure. Let’s go with that.

BOB DIGGUM
We need to delete the Youtube
video. Before anyone sees it. This
could ruin our reputation.

Carl nods. Moves over to his LAPTOP.

 3.

DANIEL BURNES
What reputation? Who are you
people?

Bob rests his nerf gun on his shoulder. Does an action hero
pose. Except this action hero has a beer belly and a MAGA
hat.

BOB DIGGUM
We are the Cryptid Seekers, young
man.

Daniel SNORTS. Starts LAUGHING.

DARLENE JEBBINS
What’s so funny?

DANIEL BURNES
You call yourselves that willingly?

BOB DIGGUM
You ever heard of respectin’ your
elders?

DANIEL BURNES
You kidnapped me.

CARL SKERTS
We’ve been over this. We thought
you were a ‘Squatch.

DANIEL BURNES
I was boarding the fucking Septa.
Do you think a ‘Squatch does that?

BOB DIGGUM
We don’t know what they do. That’s
why we were trying to catch one.

DANIEL BURNES
I think your wife beater is cutting
off the circulation to your brain.

BOB DIGGUM
Bigfoot doesn’t speak unless spoken
to.

Carl’s eyes go wide. He gawks at his laptop.

CARL SKERTS
Hey Bob?

BOB DIGGUM
What?
 4.

CARL SKERTS
Come here.

Bob groans. Walks to the laptop. Meanwhile Darlene picks up

the head of the fur suit. Frowns at it.

It’s a wolf’s head. But it has green patches of fur blocking

out swirly patterns under its eyes.

DARLENE JEBBINS
You one of those Furbies my niece
always talks about?

Bob glances at the screen. The Youtube video is pulled up.

BOB DIGGUM
What am I looking at?

CARL SKERTS
The view count.

Carl points at the screen. Bob follows. His eyes go wide.

Millions of views. Hundreds of thousands of comments and

likes. Their video has gone viral.

DARLENE JEBBINS
She wears cat ears sometimes. Does
that mean she’s a Furby too?

DANIEL BURNES
I’m not diagnosing your niece with
Furry. Let me go.

BOB DIGGUM
Darlene. Get over here.

Darlene sets down the head. Walks over.

DARLENE JEBBINS
What is it?

CARL SKERTS
We’ve gone viral.

BOB DIGGUM
There’s no way we can delete it
now. Not without the world knowing.

CARL SKERTS
Like god damn Hillary.

DARLENE JEBBINS
What do we do?
 5.

Slowly each of them looks up at Daniel.

DANIEL BURNES
Nope. No way. Let me out of here.

CARL SKERTS
You would just come by once or
twice a week and film a Youtube
video.

DANIEL BURNES
Absolutely not. I will not turn
Viperwolf into a circus act.

BOB DIGGUM
Viper who?

DANIEL BURNES
Viperwolf. The alpha of the
Hinterwoods clan. My fursona.

DARLENE JEBBINS
I knew you were a Furby!

DANIEL BURNES
I’m not a Furby! I mean, no, I’m
not a furry! I’m wolfkin.

The three rednecks stare at him. Darlene leans over to Carl.

DARLENE JEBBINS
(whispering)
Is that one of those BLT community
things?

CARL SKERTS
Huh?

DARLENE JEBBINS
Y’know. The gays.

DANIEL BURNES
BLT is a sandwich.

CARL SKERTS
Yeah. You’re thinkin’ of the LBGs.
Stands for Let’s Be Gay.

BOB DIGGUM
You’re both wrong. It’s the RGBs
cause they’re rainbow.
 6.

DARLENE JEBBINS
My cousin’s gay. Well, I dunno if
he’s gay, but he fucked a male
scarecrow.

CARL SKERTS
Hillary’s a lesbian.

DANIEL BURNES
I will press charges if you do not
let me out of this office in the
next five seconds.

BOB DIGGUM
We’ll pay you.

Daniel freezes.

DANIEL BURNES
How much?

BOB DIGGUM
Hundred bucks an hour.

DANIEL BURNES
Two hundred.

CARL SKERTS
You aren’t in a position to haggle.

DANIEL BURNES
You kidnapped me. Two hundred.

BOB DIGGUM
Deal.

Bob holds out a hand to shake.

DANIEL BURNES
You tied my hands in rope.

BOB DIGGUM
Oh. Right.

INT. OFFICE - RECORDING STUDIO - DAY

Another IPHONE video. Grainy and shot in portrait

orientation.

Bob, Darlene, and Carl are posed in front of Daniel. He’s

wearing a Bigfoot costume instead of his fur suit. Beats his
chest and lets out a few Bigfoot HOOTS and HOLLERS.
 7.

BOB DIGGUM
Thank you all for your support.
We’re happy to announce that more
Bigfoot content is on the way. So
subscribe for new videos daily.

CARL SKERTS
That’s right. We’ve heard your
support loud and clear.

DARLENE JEBBINS
And remember! Just keep
‘Squatchin’!

INT. POLICE STATION - DAY

The video is playing on OFFICER MATTHEW’S (45) desktop

COMPUTER. He frowns.

OFFICER MATTHEWS
Davidson. Come look at this.

OFFICER DAVIDSON (47) walks up to the desk. He frowns at the

video.

OFFICER DAVIDSON
You watching a new movie, or
something?

OFFICER MATTHEWS
These lunatics are saying they
caught Bigfoot in the Septa.

Davidson leans over and presses pause on the video.

Scrutinizes the blurry Bigfoot sat in the cage.

OFFICER DAVIDSON
Since when are there rednecks in
Philly?

OFFICER MATTHEWS
No clue. But I don’t buy this
Bigfoot shit.

OFFICER DAVIDSON
You wanna check it out?

Matthews frowns at the video. Hits play. Continues watching.

OFFICER MATTHEWS
Might be interesting.
 8.

INT. OFFICE - RECORDING STUDIO - DAY

The Cryptid Seekers and Daniel are filming a livestream. Carl

mans the camera while Darlene and Bob handle “Bigfoot”.

DARLENE JEBBINS
Welcome back to the livestream
fellow ‘Squatchers. Today we’re
gonna show Bigfoot Minecraft for
the first time.

Daniel lets out an excited Bigfoot HOLLER.

BOB DIGGUM
Remember to subscribe with Twitch
Prime for more Bigfoot gaming
content.

A loud KNOCK sounds from the front door of the office.

OFFICER MATTHEWS
Police! Open up!

BOB DIGGUM
Oh shit.

DARLENE JEBBINS
End the livestream. End it.

CARL SKERTS
Sorry about this chat. There’s an
emergency.

BOB DIGGUM
We’ll reschedule the stream for
later. No worries. Be sure to keep
an eye on Twitter for updates.

Carl hits a button on the camera.

CARL SKERTS
It’s off.

DARLENE JEBBINS
I knew this would happen. It’s the
CIA. They want to take Daniel for
testing.

Daniel pulls off the mask of his costume.

DANIEL BURNES
I refuse to be probed. Not today.
 9.

DARLENE JEBBINS
Better than dissection, ain’t it?

DANIEL BURNES
Eh.

DARLENE JEBBINS
No kiddin’?

DANIEL BURNES
It’s a Tuesday.

BOB DIGGUM
We’ll go talk to the cops. Darlene,
stay with Daniel.

Bob and Carl leave the recording studio.

DARLENE JEBBINS
I bought my niece that cat tail you
sent me.

DANIEL BURNES
That’s nice.

INT. OFFICE - DAY

Bob and Carl open the front door. Officer Matthews and
Officer Davidson stand at the threshold.

BOB DIGGUM
Hello, gentlemen.

OFFICER DAVIDSON
You the guys with the Bigfoot?

CARL SKERTS
Uh...no?

OFFICER MATTHEWS
Then you wouldn’t mind us taking a
look around, would you?

INT. OFFICE - RECORDING STUDIO - DAY

Darlene frowns. Crosses her arms.

DARLENE JEBBINS
It’s quiet out there. Too quiet.

DANIEL BURNES
What should we do?
 10.

DARLENE JEBBINS
Maybe we can scare ‘em off. Start
making loud noises or somethin’. Be
Bigfoot.

Daniel puts the head of his costume back on. Starts ROARING
and GRUNTING.

DANIEL BURNES
Hoo! Hoo! Grrrr! Arrrg! Hoo hoo!

DARLENE JEBBINS
That’s the best you got?

DANIEL BURNES
I’m not a monkey, I’m a wolf.

DARLENE JEBBINS
The ‘Squatch ain’t a monkey.

Daniel HOWLS. Starts jumping around beating on walls. Darlene

grabs a mug off the table and SMASHES it.

INT. OFFICE - DAY

All eyes go to the ruckus coming from inside the studio.

OFFICER MATTHEWS
Probable cause?

OFFICER DAVIDSON
Probable cause.

BOB DIGGUM
No, no, no. This isn’t what you
think it is.

OFFICER DAVIDSON
Step aside.

The police officers walk towards the door of the recording

studio.

CARL SKERTS
So this is how ACAB feels.

INT. OFFICE - RECORDING STUDIO - DAY

A KNOCK sounds on the door. Daniel stops shouting.

OFFICER MATTHEWS (O.S.)

This is the police! Open up!
 11.

DANIEL BURNES
Shit.

DARLENE JEBBINS
One second!

DANIEL BURNES
What do we do?

DARLENE JEBBINS
Take off the suit.

DANIEL BURNES
I can’t. I’m not wearing anything
underneath it.

DARLENE JEBBINS
Why the hell not?

DANIEL BURNES
It gets hot in here, okay?

INT. OFFICE - DAY

The Officers wait outside the door for permission to enter.

Matthews gets bored.

OFFICER MATTHEWS
That’s it! We’re entering!

BOB DIGGUM
Please don’t.

OFFICER DAVIDSON
On three. One, two, three.

Matthews throws open the door, to find...

INT. OFFICE - RECORDING STUDIO - DAY

Daniel, naked, stood in the center of the room. Darlene bent

over in front of him shoving the Bigfoot costume under the
table. A VIDEO CAMERA set up.

OFFICER MATTHEWS
Oh shit.

CARL SKERTS
What the hell?

OFFICER DAVIDSON
...Oh. Oh.
 12.

DARLENE JEBBINS
Why hello, officers. How can we
help you this fine afternoon?

INT. OFFICE - DAY

Officers Davidson and Matthews exit the office. Matthews

turns back around to Bob.

OFFICER MATTHEWS
Again, I am so sorry. Y’know I hold
a real respect for the porn
industry-

Bob SLAMS the door on him. Walks to the studio.

INT. OFFICE - RECORDING STUDIO - DAY

Bob moves to sit at the table with Darlene. Daniel is on the

floor with a jacket tied around his waist.

DARLENE JEBBINS
We thought that-

BOB DIGGUM
I don’t even want to know.

Carl moves over to the laptop plugged into the camera. His
eyes go wide.

CARL SKERTS
Hey, Bob?

BOB DIGGUM
What now, Carl?

CARL SKERTS
We’re still live.

BOB DIGGUM
What?

CARL SKERTS
I might have mispressed a button.
I’m god damn Hillary.

They all stare. Bob lets out a nervous CHUCKLE.

BOB DIGGUM
Uh...just keep ‘Squatchin?

THE END.