Become a Master at Resolving Conflict at Home and Work

Four Styles of Communication

Good communication is made up of two dimensions:

Assertiveness which has to do with concern for self. People high on this dimension stand up for their
own rights, look out for their own needs, and defend their own position. They seek to influence others
to their point of view.

Empathy which is concern for others. People who are high on this dimension are sensitive to the needs,
opinions and feelings of other people. They want to hear other’s opinions and take these into account
when making decisions.

These two dimensions result in four different styles of communication:

Hi
Q-1 Dominator Q-4 Collaborator
Assertiveness
(Concern for
self)
Q-2 Avoider Q-3 Accommodator

Lo
Lo Hi
Empathy
(Concern for relationships)

Dominators are high on assertiveness and low on empathy. They like to be in charge and make
decisions. They express themselves openly and seek what they want. They have less regard for how
their opinions or needs might affect their partners. During conflict they handle their emotions by
defending, arguing, lecturing, blaming, or maybe even attacking. Dominators don’t like to be wrong and
they don’t like to lose. Their strategy is to convince, control or even coerce other people into thinking,
doing or believing what they want.

Accommodators are high on empathy and low on assertiveness and so they tend to put the opinions,
needs and feelings of others ahead of their own. They tend to be polite, easy to get along with, non-
judgmental, and more self-aware than dominators or avoiders. During conflict, they defer to others and
even give-in or go along. This means that they stuff their own feelings and wants rather than getting
them out in the open. Over time, accommodators may feel like martyrs, and, since they can’t be upfront
and clear about their own needs, may act out their feelings in passive-aggressive ways—by withholding
or getting even.

© Roger K. Allen | www.rogerkallen.com

 Become a Master at Resolving Conflict at Home and Work

Avoiders are low on assertiveness and empathy. They are usually easy going, independent, rational and
emotionally detached. If things get tense, they avoid conflict, particularly the strong emotions conflict
brings, and try to pretend that everything is okay. Their strategy is to leave issues alone and hope that
they will go away. They suppress their feelings, use humor, rationalize, act as if it’s “business as usual,”
and minimize. Because they have a hard time dealing with emotional issues, their relationships aren’t as
deep. They don’t disclose their true selves to other people but seek to play it safe.

Collaborators are high on both assertiveness and empathy. They are able to share their own point of
view, needs and so on but are also able to show empathy for the views and needs of others. They have a
high emotional IQ, paying attention to what is happening within and around them and responding in
ways that allow all parties to “win.” This is where we want to be, by the way, good at both of these
dimensions. In a healthy relationship, people are able to assert their own needs and opinions. Yet they
are also sensitive to the needs and feelings of others. Understanding this balance is the essence of good
communication, a healthy relationship, and the ability to resolve conflict productively.

© Roger K. Allen | www.rogerkallen.com