Assertiveness 101:

Intro to Saying What You Mean

and
Meaning What You Say
Three Patterns of Communication

 Aggressive

 Nonassertive (Passive)

 Assertive
Aggressive Behavior

 Directly standing up for personal rights and

expressing thoughts and beliefs in a way which is
often dishonest, usually inappropriate, and
always violates the rights of the other person
Aggressive Behavior

 Goals of Aggressive Behavior:

 domination and winning
 forcing the other to lose

 Winning is insured by humiliating, degrading,

belittling, or overpowering other people so that they
become weaker and less able to express and defend
their needs and rights
Aggressive Behavior

 Nonverbals intend to dominate or demean the

other
 Eye contact that tries to stare down, dominate the
other
 Sarcastic, condescending tone of voice; loud
 Parental body gestures such as excessive finger
pointing
Reasons People Act Aggressively
 To get your point across
 Don’t know another way to get your point across
 For personal gain, control
 To avoid your own personal responsibility
 Low self esteem
 Anger related to previous nonassertion
 Don’t have other coping mechanisms
 Reacting to another’s aggression
Consequences of Aggression
 The other person gets defensive
 Get rid of anger or other emotions
 Lose friendships, other intimate relationships, damage
relationships
 Affect work, lose job
 Lose respect
Nonassertive Behavior

 Violating your own rights by failing to

express honest feelings, thoughts, and
beliefs and consequently permitting others
to violate you
Nonassertive Behavior
 Goals of nonassertive behavior:
 to appease others
 to avoid conflict at any cost
 Message communicated:
 My thoughts aren’t important; I don’t count
 I’m nothing; you are superior
 I don’t respect your ability to take
disappointments, handle your own problems. . .
Nonassertive Behavior

 Evasive eye contact

 Body gestures such as stepping back from the other,
hunching shoulders, covering the mouth, nervous
gestures
 Voice tone may be singsong or overly soft
 Hesitant speech pattern, nervous laughter
 Gestures which convey weakness, anxiety, self-
effacement
Reasons People Act Nonassertively
 Avoid confrontation
 Personality
 Fear of hurting the other person
 Fear of rejection, losing the other person
 Avoid aggression
 Self esteem
 Lack of skills
 Cultural differences
Consequences of Nonassertion
 Not getting your point across
 Nothing changes, problems can get worse
 Damages self esteem
 Can lead to aggressive behavior
 Other people can take advantage of you
Assertive Behavior

 Standing up for personal rights and expressing

thoughts, feelings and beliefs in direct, honest,
and appropriate ways which do not violate
another person’s rights
Assertive Behavior
 Goals of Assertive Behavior--

 to get and give respect

 to ask for fair play
 to leave room for compromise when the needs
and rights of two people conflict
 to communicate and develop mutuality in
relationships
Assertive Behavior

 Involves respect, not deference

 Two types of respect:

 respect for oneself
 respect for the other person’s needs and rights
Assertive Behavior

 Basic Message:
 This is what I think
 This is what I feel
 This is how I see the situation
 This message expresses who the person is and is
said without dominating, humiliating, or
degrading
Assertive Behavior

 Assertive Behavior is NOT:

 simply a way to get what you want

 manipulative
 aggressive
 irresponsible
Assertive Behavior

 Nonverbals are congruent with verbals

 Voice is appropriately loud to the situation
 Eye contact is firm but not a stare down
 Body gestures denote strength
 Speech pattern is fluent, expressive, clear, and
emphasizes key words
Assertive Communication

 I language Communication--3 parts:

 I feel . . . (describe your feelings)

 when . . .(objectively describe the other person’s
behavior)
 It’s tangible effects on you . . .(describe how the other
person’s behavior concretely effects your life or
feelings)