Are Certain Types Destined To Date?

our eyes meet across a crowded room. You feel it, the other person feels it. But
what is “it” exactly? In other words, what gets sparks flying between two people
but not others? That’s a question that continues to boggle the minds of scientists,
poets, and real people the world over. But if you want to increase your chances of
choosing the right partner ‘til death do you part, modern research does have
some answers. Read on to find out which personality types you’re most likely to
click with—and stick with—for the long haul.
Familiarity breeds…a bond?While fairytales are full of twosomes from very
different walks of life, Cinderella-style stories rarely exist in real life for good
reason. People are generally attracted to those who

If this person were not a romantic interest, would they be one of my very best
friends?

are similar in terms of education, intelligence, religion, and financial status.

“Often, ‘like’ attracts ‘like,’ what anthropologists call ‘positive assortive mating’
and ‘fitness matching,’” says Helen Fisher, Ph.D., anthropologist and author of
Why We Love. The reason it’s important is pretty obvious: When people don’t
see eye-to-eye on many levels, they just simply don’t “get” each other, and that
can be tough for any couple to overcome. “I think the most important thing you
can ask yourself about a prospective mate is: If this person were not a romantic
interest, would they be one of your very best friends?” says Sam Hamburg, Ph. D,
a marital therapist and author of Will Our Love Last?

What’s “familiar” about a mate may not always be immediately evident, however.
“People may feel chemistry with someone who treats them in a way that’s
familiar because it’s a dynamic they know,” says Lisa Firestone, a clinical
psychologist and author of Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships. A woman who
grew up with an alcoholic father, for example, may end up with a wild-man artist,
who’s similarly unpredictable but (hopefully) in more positive ways. So, don’t be
surprised if your relationship echoes some dynamic from your past.

Why complementary types connect She’s super-organized; he’s a constant mess.

He’s a quiet couch potato; she’s the life of the party. We’ve all seen couples whose
personalities seem light years apart. Is it true that opposites attract? Not exactly.
“There’s a lot of chemistry between opposites and the relationship has a lot of
passion,” says Firestone. “But eventually they may end up hating each other for
the very things that drew them together in the first place.”

A better match, say experts, are people whose personalities are complementary
but not complete contradictions. “Sometimes a really high-strung person will
calm down around someone who’s laid-back, or maybe the person who has a lot
of energy is a motivating influence on the person who’s mellow, and it’s really
good for them,” says Firestone. Likewise, personalities that are too similar can
miss out on new experiences. “If two people are very risk-averse, they might
never pursue opportunities that maybe they should,” points out Hamburg. “And
on the flip side, two people who are high risk-takers might get themselves into
trouble. But if you have one who’s more risky and one who’s safer, then through
a dialogue they might be able to get to better decisions than they would if they
were the same.”

Complementary couples do run the risk, though, of falling even deeper into their
roles. “When people date someone who plays a part that they aren’t, they tend to
polarize: The quieter person gets quieter, and the talkative person becomes the
spokesperson for the relationship,” points out Firestone. “They may start to think
that they’re a whole person only when they’re with the other person. And when
people do that, the quality of relating tends to deteriorate.” So, couples should be
careful to treat their partner’s strengths not as a crutch, but as an opportunity to
watch and learn new habits and skills to move outside their comfort zone on
occasion.

The chemistry behind chemistry Scientific breakthroughs in the areas of

genetics, biology, and neurology are also helping experts piece together the
mystery of romantic attraction. Fisher, for example, has used her knowledge of
body chemistry to come up with a new theory on who’s likely to click with whom
—and

“There’s chemistry between opposites, and the relationship has passion.”

why.

“Certain genes, hormones and neurotransmitters have been associated with

specific personality traits,” she explains. “For instance, testosterone is associated
with independence. All of us have these chemicals, but some of us have more
activity in one of these chemical systems than another.”

The upshot? After reviewing the data, Fisher found that based on the activity
levels of four key chemicals (serotonin, estrogen, dopamine, and testosterone),
people largely fall into one of four “temperaments”: Builder, Negotiator,
Explorer, and Director. Here’s a rundown:

The Builder
Chemical in charge: Serotonin (associated with sociability and feelings of calm)
Personality: Calm, managerial, conscientious, home-oriented but social
Best match: The Explorer
Least likely match: The Director

The Negotiator
Chemical in charge: Estrogen (associated with intuition and creativity)
Personality: Imaginative, sympathetic, socially skilled, idealistic
Best match: Good with all types!
Least likely match: None

The Explorer
Chemical in charge: dopamine (associated with curiosity and spontaneity)
Personality: Risk-taking, spontaneous, curious, adaptable
Best match: The Builder
Least likely match: The Director

The Director
Chemical in charge: testosterone (associated with independence and rational
thinking)
Personality: focused, inventive, daring, logical, direct
Best match: The Negotiator
Least likely match: The Builder

While these four temperaments can be used as a guideline to find a compatible

match, Fisher conditions that the mystery of romance doesn’t boil entirely down
to a few neurotransmitters. “There is magic to love, no question about that,” she
says. “But culture and biology play important roles. In short, when you are ready
to fall in love and you meet someone who has a complementary chemical profile,
you can feel attraction to him or her—which instantly or eventually can turn into
deep feelings of romantic love.”