R.K.

LAXMAN

LAUGH WITH LAXMAN

PENGUIN BOOKS
 Contents

About the Author

Laugh with Laxman
Copyright
 PENGUIN BOOKS
LAUGH WITH LAXMAN

Rasipuram Krishnaswamy Laxman was born and educated in Mysore. Soon after he graduated from the
University of Mysore, he started drawing cartoons for the Free Press Journal, a newspaper in Bombay. Six
months later he joined the Times of India, a newspaper he has been with, as staff cartoonist, for over fifty
years. He has written and published numerous short stories, essays and travel articles. Some of these
were published in a book, Idle Hours. He has also written two novels, The Hotel Riviera and The
Messenger, both published by Penguin Books. Penguin has also published several collections of Laxman’s
cartoons in the series The Best of Laxman. In June 1998, the Times of India published a collection entitled
50 Years of Independence Through the Eyes of R.K. Laxman. Laxman’s autobiography, entitled The Tunnel
of Time, was published by Penguin Books in the same month.

R.K. Laxman was awarded the prestigious Padma Bhushan by the Government of India. The University of
Marathwada conferred an honorary Doctor of Literature degree on him. He has won many awards for his
cartoons, including Asia’s top journalism award, the Ramon Magsaysay Award, in 1984.

R.K. Laxman lives in Mumbai.

Looks like Rs 2.5 crores gone down the drain, sir! It says ‘Made in Korea’ in small print!

So our search has been futile! That there are giants inhabiting this jungle is a total myth.
The upper region must be getting highly polluted! First it was the small birds, then the pigeons, then crows and now
poor Superman himself!

No thanks! I just had one at the previous mirage!

Boil this thousand-year old Himalayan herb in milk mixed with lotus petals twenty times and drink it for seven months.
If all this doesn’t cure you, take a couple of aspirins.

I told you not to spank him when he misbehaves! He has been taking karate lessons for self-defence!
 Look at that! These gadgets are useless—no better than the servants we got rid of.

I am sorry! This is a problem we on earth have to face—bird menace. They hit aircrafts.

Please, sir! Each speaker gets only ten minutes. You have exceeded by sixty minutes . . . !
What sort of sales promotion is this? No one will buy it! You must write ‘Now only Rs 275’.

You have certainly put on height and weight since I last took your measurements, sir.
No, that’s not the machinery we ordered. It is this one and that’s the work-kit—in case it goes out of order.

That’s his wife—sort of his word processor. Whatever he says can’t pass without her processing it.

Let me see your medical degree, please, before you start operating.
After long research I found it is a Nataraja in classical dance pose belonging to the eighth century!

The analysis shows that your boy definitely has certain criminal tendencies.
He has sold out all the stuff. Truly a genius—it seems he started painting at the age of four!

Why do you look surprised? You always said it was as intelligent as a human being!

My wife and children? They are fine, thanks. How about yours?
 When you invited me to join the Think Tank, I had no idea that this is what you meant.

The astrologers say that this is the worst time to launch our new venture. But the experts insist it is the best. We are
referring the matter back to the astrologers for reconsideration!

I forgot the jack. But thanks to the pothole, now it doesn’t matter.
 It’s a mystery why the books in that section are never returned!

How on earth are we going to track the satellite if the villagers use it for cooking!
 He used to work in our lab before. He retired from service!

If you have opened the book upside down then all you have to do is to turn it around!
I am planning for the future! There is sure to be traffic jams in space!

I pampered him and gave him too much importance—my mistake!

I poured all the left-over liquids into that big flask and cleaned up the glasses.

He loves to have pictures of his wife and children on his table.

 You are not an NRI? Then please move over here!

It saves a lot of bother. If you programme it, it goes about on its own—taking pictures of tourist spots and sites of
historical interests.
That’s a deadly weapon he is inventing! We must stop it! If it proliferates our civilization will be wiped out one day.

. . . and thus in the most long-winded, complicated method, I have proved the oldest mathematical concept!
Our interior decorator selected it saying that the chief executive’s work-place must be surrounded by beautiful
paintings!

I told you not to drive so fast on these roads with potholes. It gets too bumpy.

Hold it! He is innocent! We discovered a cockroach in the lie detector which caused it to malfunction!
 See, it’s written, ‘Made in Taiwan’! I have a plastic toy like that!

Enough! You have questioned us for an hour about our profit target, foreign equity ratio etc. Remember, we are
interviewing you and you have to answer our questions.
These seem to have a highly developed political sense, sir. They fight, split, regroup and again fight . . . split . . .

Force of habit. He records his income every day. I understand he was once a big business magnate!
 You have sighted a planet, have you? What’s so strange about that, young man? The universe is full of them!

Are you suggesting, as marketing expert, that all this should be offered to create consumer interest in our detergent?
Don’t complain about backache, giddiness, debility. Remember, you should have been extinct millions of years ago!
 That one, madam, is for ladies. It always shows 20 kg less.

There is such a shortage of water here that I decided to manufacture it this way for our domestic use.
 Yes, master. I’ll give the answer in a minute using my computer!

Our traditional way of hiding is too old-fashioned for you, I suppose!

 Get our progress shown in a different manner!

Atlas, you cheat!

Of course, I believe in reincarnation—I’ll come back as a ladies’ handbag, maybe!

 No, no, son, you will fall sick if you eat this exposed food!

He is thoroughly spoilt! Now he won’t let us watch the news. He wants to see murders, shooting, fighting . . .
 Space centre, do you read me? I am aborting the mission right here . . . !

Relax, doctor! Nobody is going to burn you. I am only trying to help you with your thesis on our rituals.

What a stupid lab boy! I asked him to get me a cup of tea and some chips and he brings me a plate of microchips.
I picked up the habit in the research lab I escaped from. They were testing the bad effects of smoking on me.

It’s all right, Father. Leave it if you find it hard to blow it.

In all my experience this is the most advanced cave painting I have come across!
 It’s from an old photograph—the only one available of the founder of the industry.

Still can’t get through? Then call our agent in London to call my wife here to inform her that I won’t be coming for
lunch. International calls are easier to get than the local ones.

May be I neglected my research on tooth decay, sir. But you must admit I discovered the most artistic spider in the
world!
You and your new chemical gas to break into steel cupboards! Look, it has melted the money, the jewellery, everything!

After years of research and thought I discovered a way to simplify my work!

. . . innovation and scientific approach are fine. But with all this we are sacrificing our ancient traditions.
 Be careful—there are glass pieces!

Don’t let the kid see movies showing violence. Why don’t you show him those cartoons in which cats chase mice and
beat and torture them?
By the way, sir, your wife phoned when you were out and left this message.

Can’t unwind, is it? I told you not to follow books written by quacks!

And that is my mother—I’m a test-tube baby.

The sheikh is very frugal and simple. He always moves around in a small car and lets his limousine follow him.

There is an interesting ring around this planet I’ve just sighted, sir.
 Fifty per cent of the things are gone, have they? That’s good! It means crime is down by fifty per cent!

My foreign bosses are coming for inspection and assessment. So I’ll be away with them sightseeing at Agra,
Mahabalipuram, Halebid, Belur, Ajanta, etc. for a fortnight!
 I found the missing paper right on my table! You can stop the search now!

Instead of listening to customers complaints, he is complaining to the customers about the working conditions here.
Customer complaint, sir! It seems one of them he had has disappeared with cash, video, TV . . . !

The patient sitting in this chair finds pain more bearable when I extract the tooth.
One request, gentlemen, before we break up. Please put on a grave and worried expression as you go out—otherwise
the staff will think we have made undue profits.

Since I became the chairman of the Save the Tiger Project, he drops in whenever he passes this way!
 Come, there’s no other way. The builder was holding the blueprint upside down, I am told.

Don’t say, ma’am, you didn’t know we were carrying a few experimental mice on this spaceship?

I told you not to get him the big balloon!

What’s your complaint now? The doctor advised me to go on a holiday and relax—and I am on a holiday relaxing!

I have produced, at last, the test-tube robot!

How to find inner peace? How would I know? I’m an American, myself!
 Aren’t you going after the thief to catch him first, Inspector?

It’s impossible! Every time we build a bridge, the river changes its course!

The country has progressed so much and still we move about like this! It’s a shame! You must buy a bullock cart!
 I usually hum a tune in my bath. Now that there’s absolutely no water I want to practice music more seriously.

I think we have landed on the wrong planet. Our study shows the earthlings are highly intelligent. But this one seems
so dumb!
 When will you learn to distinguish between a fridge and a safe?

We are eating trash! Remember the days when we used to gorge on poetry, drama, essays . . .
My God, when did he leave Mega Industries and join here? I left it and joined Acton because it was impossible to work
under him!

All our efforts wasted! We have broken into a data bank— not a commercial bank.

Yes, I have joined the anti-bomb movement!

Ah, with this I can see clearly! Again from the top, A, B, C, D, E, F, G . . .

I still think you should have told him how young you wanted to look!
 Yes, I will make you look exactly like the beauty in the famous old masterpiece. What time is the beauty contest,
madam?

There must be life on the planet Earth, professor. I see mushrooms of smoke, rockets flying, explosions, bullets . . .
 Professor, did you by any chance drop a visiting card when you explored the Antarctic?

Flying is dangerous! Your grandpa brought down a Dakota. Your father brought down a Boeing 737. Your uncle
destroyed a jumbo jet . . .

By the way, I keep forgetting to tell you. You must get a plumber. The kitchen tap is leaking.
 I told you, sir, it is still at an experimental stage!

He is drafting the speech for the general body meeting, trying to make it as humourous, pleasant and lively as
possible!
Watching arson, looting, murder, rape is bad for the eyes. Why don’t you read about arson, looting, murder, rape in the
newspapers!

No need to restore it, Professor. We just discovered it’s a recent piece—dated January 1984!
The ocean-bed explorations are a waste of time—gone are the days of gold, jewellery and diamonds! Nowadays you get
only ball-pens and cheap digital watches!

It’s all very well trying to save us. But they aren’t doing a thing to save the world from nuclear disaster!
I just put it on to confuse the bird-watcher!
Remember, the blood donated by that movie star, doctor? Well, it’s pure tomato ketchup!

There’s something wrong with the rat poison you bought. It has had the reverse effect!

I didn’t want to disturb you when you were working, sir. But it is this leg which is injured!
This area is still unexplored! You can have McDonald’s there, Kentucky Fried Chicken over here, then Pepsi and Coke
and . . .

You haven’t told the chairman that the artist he has hired to do his portrait for the boardroom is an abstract painter?

We are left with no choice but to request the production unit also to go on strike for higher wages like the sales unit.
I bought the plot to build my office. But the activists would not let me touch anything lest it upset the ecological
balance here.

Good news, my dear man! It is decided that there should be no more cuts in the expenditure concerning your
department!

It’s water, all right. But I wouldn’t drink it if I were you. It’s not boiled or filtered!
 Cheer up! I finally paid off the last instalments on the car, house, fridge, TV, washing machine, AC.

You spent all the funds inventing this machine to measure the rotation of the earth? Do you realize you have just
elaborately constructed an ordinary time-piece?
Stop it! I’ve told you, no rock music. You will ruin the cobra!

Are you crazy, doctor? Of course, I’m lying down and relaxed.
 I must say they take care of the tigers rather well in this reserve!

I knew this was bound to happen from the way he manipulated his tax returns!

He is, of course, quite welcome! But I don’t think you clearly understood when I asked you to invite some non-resident
Indians to invest in our enterprise!
Yes, it collapsed and the landlord thought that it would make me quit. But I refused to.

No, he won’t lie down. He says he is feeling fine and not hurt all that badly!
With the kind of money he made by adulterating life-saving drugs, he could buy his way to any place!

Stop following me! This is my child and I am not a kidnapper!

 I said, ‘Later, not now!’

He has come to give us two hours’ notice to vacate the premises as per the agreement drawn up in 1884. The ninety-
nine-year lease ends at twelve noon today, sir!

There is something wrong in our recruiting system, sir. We have retrenched seventy-eight out of eighty staff members.
However, the department is functioning just as before!
There he is—the clerk in the purchase department. I don’t know how far it’s true, but I am told he is corrupt.

He tried everything for his backache. With this new treatment he says he sleeps soundly!

You mean you have produced just one? You certainly don’t know a thing about germ warfare, Professor!
Yes, sir, I did marry my daughter off using company funds. You had asked me not to consult you all the time and to use
my discretion.

It would be worth conducting research on that, Professor. Every day he comes and sits there like that!

I’m leaving. I don’t have any job satisfaction—I have not been to a single seminar since I joined last week, sir.
It looks faint and vague! Not to worry. I was once a surgeon. I’ll operate and extend this fate line which will take care
of your political career and fortunes!

Yes, this is the maximum. But if you place a special order we can make one which will go back two degrees more. You
can call it aristocratic first class and charge $500 more!
 That’s the new aircraft I told you about, boss, with a secret anti-hijacking trap-door right behind the pilot!

He is the chap you recommended for our planning and decision-making unit! I just asked him if he would take over the
post!
Don’t you dare break our ancient tradition, young man! This is the way the bed of nails should be!

It says early fourteenth century—export quality!

 I have invented a miracle cure for a disease that is yet to be discovered, doctor!

You mean you didn’t think of horizontal flight when you invented vertical take-off?
. . . even such small items like shaving blades, for instance, are manufactured without any concern for quality . . .

Just because you started your career here from the bottom, must I also do so, Father?

Go on, push me. I am not afraid! I know this is only a silly recurring dream.
 If he had been a human being he would have entered politics. The moment he learnt to talk he asked for a mike!

The purpose of science is to discover truth. Well, having discovered it, I find the whole thing futile. Goodbye, Professor.

He has been trying for nearly an hour now and still can’t open the combination lock. He was so keen on reading his
paper on crisis management.
 These horrible bugs kept me awake the whole night!

. . . that’s what you say! I say I’m the original and you are the duplicate . . . !
I was selected when I was young, sir. But the appointment order came only now—due to procedural delay, I think.

‘OK. You think I’m no good! At least give me a certificate that I’m efficient, honest, hard-working, reliable . . .’
 There has been considerable delay in the construction of the building. But his astrologer told him that today was the
most auspicious day to occupy his room.

Yes, I’m avoiding the boss! The moment he sees me he starts thinking of all sorts of plans: transfers, dismissals, cuts in
perks, overtime, etc.

Amazing career, no problems, no worries, lots of money and security! It is the palm of a politician!
What do you mean by asking us to get back to work because the new supervisor is heading this way? This gentleman is
the new supervisor, silly man!

Our new car is roomy and comfortable. But I don’t find our garage roomy and comfortable.
 We shouldn’t have hidden the cash and jewellery with him around. He is telling the CBI where they are!

. . . and after sixty years he retires to enjoy a well-earned rest. However, he will continue to be the chairman of DOQ,
the executive advisor of our TCCO, the director of our overseas EDP, the honorary . . .

And this is our chairman’s son’s office.

 He is putting up a show to give the impression that he is living within his present salary.

That’s right, I was a labour leader!

Look, you have done it again! You will never make it to the Olympics. I told you to lift it slowly and gently, not with a
jerk!
 No, I will not return the ball! Hundreds of times I have warned you not to play cricket here!

Too late, my dear man. Probably you don’t know that your partner has started his own business at that corner!
Fool, think of the property-tax, the wealth-tax, the income-tax and the other taxes you will have to shell out on all
these.

I am a bit busy, master. Command him to serve you. He is my secretary.

There, I’ve succeeded in quickening the evolutionary process! Now he will conduct experiments on us!

I am telling you that they are not as badly off as they look.
 You want your wedding photo taken, do you? But haven’t you forgotten something?

We tried it as an experiment and they walked straight into it, Inspector!

As a new recruit let me tell you: my work culture is rather exacting. I expect everything in order, clean, well docketed,
filed, indexed . . .
Earlier we blamed the government policy and interference. Now that it’s all liberalized who should we blame in our
performance report, sir?

Father, can I go over there and play?

Taking medicines all the time! He had always been a hypochondriac!

Silly boy! It’s there!

I was sacked from my previous job because as a loyal old hand I was asked to give my honest and frank opinion about
the firm’s policies, and I did!

We are completely self-sufficient. Here we make every item ourselves—including the funds for our business.
Good news, Professor, you’ve won an international award for your achievement! But you have to share it with him!

No, I don’t tune it. I like to watch it this way—it’s much better than the programmes they show.

A very slight simplification by the government of a clause in sub-section ‘E’ in schedule ‘D’ has rendered all these
references to it useless. Could I dispose of them, sir?
I bought half-a-dozen of each. The ad said 50% off and I thought it referred to the price!
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Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England
First published by Penguin Books India 1999
Copyright © R.K. Laxman 1999
All rights reserved
ISBN 978-01-4028-435-5
This digital edition published in 2013.
e-ISBN: 978-93-5118-016-6
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