Professional Documents
Culture Documents
[Explaining to the furious Big Lebowski how he has lost the ransom money.]
The Dude: I dropped off the money exactly as per - look... man, I've got certain
information, all right? Certain things have come to light, and - y'know, has it
ever occurred to you, that, instead of, uh, y'know, running around, uh, uh, blaming
me, y'know, given the nature of all this new shit, y'know, this could be a-a-a-a
lot more, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, complex, I mean, it's not just, it might not be
just such a simple... uh, y'know?
Malibu Police Chief: Mr. Treehorn draws a lot of water in this town. You don't draw
shit, Lebowski. Now we got a nice, quiet little beach community here, and I aim to
keep it nice and quiet. So let me make something plain. I don't like you sucking
around, bothering our citizens, Lebowski. I don't like your jerk-off name. I don't
like your jerk-off face. I don't like your jerk-off behavior, and I don't like you,
jerk-off. Do I make myself clear?
The Dude: [long pause] I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.
[The chief of police viciously throws a coffee mug at his head]
The Dude: Ow! Fu**ing fascist!
The Dude: Let me explain something to you; I am not Mr. Lebowski. You're Mr.
Lebowski. I'm the Dude. So that's what you call me. You know, that or uh, His
Dudeness, or uh, Duder, or El Duderino if you're not into the whole brevity thing.
Goon: Where's the money, Lebowski?
[Shoves the Dude's head down the toilet then pulls him back up.]
Goon: Where's the money, Lebowski?
The Dude: It's down there somewhere, let me have another look.
Walter Sobchak: When we make the handoff, I double back, grab one of 'em and beat
it out of him! Huh?
The Dude: That's a great plan, Walter. That's fuckin' ingenious, if I understand it
correctly. It's a Swiss fuckin' watch.
The Dude: Fuck sympathy! I don't need your fuckin' sympathy, man, I need my fucking
johnson!
Donny: What do you need that for, Dude?
The Dude: God damn you Walter! You fuckin' asshole! Everything's a fuckin' travesty
with you, man! And what was all that shit about Vietnam? What the FUCK, has
anything got to do with Vietnam? What the fuck are you talking about?
Walter Sobchak: You want a toe? I can get you a toe, believe me. There are ways,
Dude. You don't wanna know about it, believe me.
The Dude: Yeah, but Walter...
Walter Sobchak: Hell, I can get you a toe by 3 o'clock this afternoon... with nail
polish. These fucking amateurs...
Walter Sobchak: I'm saying, I see what you're getting at, Dude, he kept the money.
My point is, here we are, it's shabbas, the sabbath, which I'm allowed to break
only if it's a matter of life or death...
The Dude: Will you come off it, Walter? You're not even fucking Jewish, man.
Walter Sobchak: What the fuck are you talkin' about?
The Dude: Man, you're fucking Polish Catholic...
Walter Sobchak: What the fuck are you talking about? I converted when I married
Cynthia! Come on, Dude!
The Dude: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...
Walter Sobchak: And you know this!
The Dude: Yeah, and five fucking years ago you were divorced.
Walter Sobchak: So what are you saying? When you get divorced you turn in your
library card? You get a new license? You stop being Jewish?
The Dude: It's all a part of your sick Cynthia thing, man. Taking care of her
fucking dog. Going to her fucking synagogue. You're living in the fucking past.
Walter Sobchak: Three thousand years of beautiful tradition, from Moses to Sandy
Koufax...
[shouting]
Walter Sobchak: You're goddamn right I'm living in the fucking past!
Walter Sobchak: [shouted repeatedly while smashing a car with a crow bar]
[shouts]
Walter Sobchak: This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!
Blond Treehorn Thug: [holding up a bowling ball] What the fuck is this?
The Dude: Obviously you're not a golfer.
The Dude: Walter, what is the point? Look, we all know who is at fault here, what
the fuck are you talking about?
Walter Sobchak: Huh? No, what the fuck are you... I'm not... We're talking about
unchecked aggression here, dude.
Donny: What the fuck is he talking about?
The Dude: My rug.
Walter Sobchak: Forget it, Donny, you're out of your element!
The Dude: Walter, the chinaman who peed on my rug, I can't go give him a bill, so
what the fuck are you talking about?
Walter Sobchak: What the fuck are you talking about? The chinaman is not the issue
here, Dude. I'm talking about drawing a line in the sand, Dude. Across this line,
you DO NOT... Also, Dude, chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature. Asian-
American, please.
The Dude: Walter, this isn't a guy who built the railroads here. This is a guy...
Walter Sobchak: What the fuck are you...?
The Dude: Walter, he peed on my rug!
Donny: He peed on the Dude's rug.
Walter Sobchak: Donny you're out of your element! Dude, the Chinaman is not the
issue here!
The Dude: Look, just stay away from my fucking lady friend.
Da Fino: Hey, I'm not messing with your special lady.
The Dude: She's not my special lady, she's my fucking lady friend. I'm just helping
her conceive, man!
[the Dude, Walter, and Donny walk out of the bowling alley, to find the three
Nihilists waiting in front of the Dude's car, which has been torched]
The Dude: Well, they finally did it. They killed my fucking car.
Nihilist: Ve vant ze money, Lebowski.
Nihilist #2: Ja, uzzervize ve kill ze girl.
Nihilist #3: Ja, it seems you have forgotten our little deal, Lebowski.
The Dude: You don't HAVE the fucking girl, dipshits! We know you never did!
[the Nihilists, stunned, confer amongst themselves in German]
Donny: Are these the Nazis, Walter?
Walter Sobchak: No, Donny, these men are nihilists, there's nothing to be afraid
of.
Nihilist: Ve don't care. Ve still vant ze money, Lebowski, or ve fuck you up.
Walter Sobchak: Fuck you. Fuck the three of you.
The Dude: Hey, cool it Walter.
Walter Sobchak: No, without a hostage, there is no ransom. That's what ransom is.
Those are the fucking rules.
Nihilist #2: His girlfriend gave up her toe!
Nihilist #3: She though we'd be getting million dollars!
Nihilist #2: Iss not fair!
Walter Sobchak: Fair! WHO'S THE FUCKING NIHILIST HERE! WHAT ARE YOU, A BUNCH OF
FUCKING CRYBABIES?
The Dude: Hey, cool it Walter. Look, pal, there never was any money. The big
Lebowski gave me an empty briefcase, so take it up with him, man.
Walter Sobchak: And, I would like my undies back.
[Stunned, the Germans confer amongst themselves again]
Donny: Are they gonna hurt us, Walter?
Walter Sobchak: No, Donny. These men are cowards.
Nihilist: Okay. So we take ze money you haf on you, und ve calls it eefen.
Walter Sobchak: Fuck you.
The Dude: [repeated line by The Dude and others] That rug really tied the room
together.
The Dude: Walter, ya know, it's Smokey, so his toe slipped over the line a little,
big deal. It's just a game, man.
Walter Sobchak: Dude, this is a league game, this determines who enters the next
round robin. Am I wrong? Am I wrong?
Smokey: Yeah, but I wasn't over. Gimme the marker Dude, I'm marking it 8.
Walter Sobchak: [pulls out a gun] Smokey, my friend, you are entering a world of
pain.
The Dude: Walter...
Walter Sobchak: You mark that frame an 8, and you're entering a world of pain.
Smokey: I'm not...
Walter Sobchak: A world of pain.
Smokey: Dude, he's your partner...
Walter Sobchak: [shouting] Has the whole world gone crazy? Am I the only one around
here who gives a shit about the rules? Mark it zero!
The Dude: They're calling the cops, put the piece away.
Walter Sobchak: Mark it zero!
[points gun in Smokey's face]
The Dude: Walter...
Walter Sobchak: [shouting] You think I'm fucking around here? Mark it zero!
Smokey: All right, it's fucking zero. Are you happy, you crazy fuck?
Walter Sobchak: ...It's a league game, Smokey.
The Dude: It's like what Lenin said... you look for the person who will benefit,
and, uh, uh...
Donny: I am the walrus.
The Dude: You know what I'm trying to say...
Donny: I am the walrus.
Walter Sobchak: That fucking bitch...
The Dude: Oh yeah!
Donny: I am the walrus.
Walter Sobchak: Shut the fuck up, Donny! V.I. Lenin. Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov!
Donny: What the fuck is he talking about, Dude?
The Dude: And, you know, he's got emotional problems, man.
Walter Sobchak: You mean... beyond pacifism?
Jesus Quintana: What's this day of rest shit? What's this bullshit? I don't fuckin'
care! It don't matter to Jesus. But you're not foolin' me, man. You might fool the
fucks in the league office, but you don't fool Jesus. This bush league psyche-out
stuff. Laughable, man - ha ha! I would have fucked you in the ass Saturday. I fuck
you in the ass next Wednesday instead. Wooo! You got a date Wednesday, baby!
Jesus Quintana: You ready to be fucked, man? I see you rolled your way into the
semis. Dios mio, man. Liam and me, we're gonna fuck you up.
The Dude: Yeah, well, you know, that's just, like, your opinion, man.
Jesus Quintana: Let me tell you something, pendejo. You pull any of your crazy shit
with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes, I'll take it away from you, stick it
up your ass and pull the fucking trigger 'til it goes "click."
The Dude: Jesus.
Jesus Quintana: You said it, man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus.
Walter Sobchak: Eight-year-olds, Dude.
Walter Sobchak: Your wheel! At fifteen m-p-h I roll out! I double back, grab one of
'em and beat it out of him! The uzi!
The Dude: Uzi?
Walter Sobchak: You didn't think I was rolling out of here naked!
The Dude: I mean we totally fucked it up man, we fucked up this payoff, we got the
kidnappers all mad at us, and Lebowski, ya know, he yelled at me a lot but he
didn't do anything, huh?
Walter Sobchak: Well, sometimes, it's a cathartic...
The Dude: No, I'm saying, if he knows I'm a fuck-up, why does he leave me in charge
of getting his wife back? Because he doesn't fucking want her back! He no longer
digs her, it's all a show! Ok, so then why doesn't he give a shit about his million
bucks? I mean, he knows we never handed off the briefcase, but he never asked for
it back. The million bucks was never in the briefcase! The asshole was hoping that
they would kill her! You threw out a ringer for a ringer!
Walter Sobchak: You have got to buck up, man. You cannot drag this negative energy
in to the tournament!
The Dude: Fuck the tournament... Fuck YOU, Walter!
[pause]
Walter Sobchak: Fuck the tournament? All right, I can see you don't want to be
cheered up here, Dude. Come on Donny, let's go get us a lane.
Tony the Chauffeur: So he says "My wife's a pain in the ass. She's always busting
my friggin' agates. My daughter's married to a real loser bastard. And I got a rash
so bad on my ass, I can't even sit down. But you know me. I can't complain."
The Dude: Fuckin' A, man. I got a rash, man.
The Dude: Nobody calls me Lebowski. You got the wrong guy. I'm the Dude, man.
Blond Treehorn Thug: Your name's Lebowski, Lebowski. Your wife is Bunny.
The Dude: My... my wi-, my wife, Bunny? Do you see a wedding ring on my finger?
Does this place look like I'm fucking married? The toilet seat's up, man!
Brandt: Mr. Lebowski is prepared to make a generous offer to you to act as courier,
once we get instructions for the money.
The Dude: Why me, man?
Brandt: He believes the culprits might be the very people who, uh, soiled your rug,
and you are in a unique position to confirm or disconfirm that suspicion.
The Dude: He thinks the carpet pissers did this?
Brandt: Well Dude, we just don't know.
Walter Sobchak: Those rich fucks! This whole fucking thing... I did not watch my
buddies die face down in the muck so that this fucking strumpet...
The Dude: I don't see any connection to Vietnam, Walter.
Walter Sobchak: Well, there isn't a literal connection, Dude.
The Dude: Walter, face it, there isn't any connection.
The Dude: Fortunately, I'm adhering to a pretty strict, uh, drug, uh, regimen to
keep my mind, you know, uh, limber.
Jackie Treehorn: Interactive erotic software. The wave of the future, Dude. One
hundred percent electronic!
The Dude: Yeah well, I still jerk off manually.
Maude Lebowski: Does the female form make you uncomfortable, Mr. Lebowski?
The Dude: Uh, is that what this is a picture of?
Maude Lebowski: In a sense, yes. My art has been commended as being strongly
vaginal which bothers some men. The word itself makes some men uncomfortable.
Vagina.
The Dude: Oh yeah?
Maude Lebowski: Yes, they don't like hearing it and find it difficult to say
whereas without batting an eye a man will refer to his dick or his rod or his
Johnson.
The Dude: Johnson?
The Dude: I dropped off the money exactly as per... look, man, I've got certain
information, all right? Certain things have come to light. And, you know, has it
ever occurred to you, that, instead of, uh, you know, running around, uh, uh,
blaming me, you know, given the nature of all this new shit, you know, I-I-I-I...
this could be a-a-a-a lot more, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, complex, I mean, it's not
just, it might not be just such a simple... uh, you know?
The Big Lebowski: What in God's holy name are you blathering about?
The Dude: I'll tell you what I'm blathering about... I've got information man! New
shit has come to light! And shit... man, she kidnapped herself. Well sure, man.
Look at it... a young trophy wife, in the parlance of our times, you know, and she,
uh, uh, owes money all over town, including to known pornographers, and that's
cool... that's, that's cool, I'm, I'm saying, she needs money, man. And of course
they're going to say that they didn't get it, because... she wants more, man! She's
got to feed the monkey, I mean uh... hasn't that ever occurred to you, man? Sir?
The Dude: You thought that Bunny had been kidnapped and you were fuckin' glad, man.
You could use it as an excuse to make some money disappear. All you needed was a
sap to pin it on! You'd just met me! You human... paraquat! You figured 'Oh, here's
a loser', you know? A deadbeat, someone the square community won't give a shit
about.
The Big Lebowski: Well, aren't you?
The Dude: Well, yeah!
The Dude: Let me explain something to you. Um, I am not "Mr. Lebowski". You're Mr.
Lebowski. I'm the Dude. So that's what you call me. You know, that or, uh, His
Dudeness, or uh, Duder, or El Duderino if you're not into the whole brevity thing.
The Dude: My only hope is that the big Lebowski kills me before the Germans can cut
my dick off.
Walter Sobchak: Really, Dude, you surprise me. They're not gonna kill shit, they're
not gonna do shit. What can they do? They're a bunch of fuckin' amateurs, and
meanwhile, look at the bottom line: Who's sittin' on a million fuckin' dollars? Am
I wrong?
The Dude: Walter?
Walter Sobchak: Who's got a fuckin' million fuckin' dollars sittin' in the trunk of
our car?
The Dude: Our car, Walter?
Walter Sobchak: And whadda they got? My dirty undies... My fucking whites...
[They walk out of the bowling alley and see the Dude's car gone. The portable phone
starts ringing]
Walter Sobchak: Say, dude. Where is your car?
Donny: Who's got your undies, Walter?
Walter Sobchak: Where's your car, dude?
The Dude: You don't know, Walter?
Walter Sobchak: [clears throat] It was parked in a handicapped zone, perhaps they
towed it.
The Dude: You fucking know its been stolen.
Walter Sobchak: Well, certainly that's a possibility, Dude.
The Dude: Oh fuck it.
[the Dude starts walking away]
Donny: Where you going, Dude?
The Dude: I'm going home, Donny.
Donny: Phone's ringin', dude.
The Dude: Thank you, Donny.
Nihilist: We believe in nothing, Lebowski. Nothing. And tomorrow we come back and
we cut off your chonson.
The Dude: Excuse me?
Nihilist: I said
[shouting]
Nihilist: We'll cut off your johnson!
Nihilist #2: Just think about that, Lebowski.
Nihilist: Yeah, your wiggly penis, Lebowski.
Nihilist #3: Yeah and maybe we stomp on it and squoosh it, Lebowski.
The Dude: [on the phone] Of course the car made it home, you're calling me at home.
No, Walter, it did NOT look like Larry was about to crack!
Walter Sobchak: Also, let's not forget - let's *not* forget, Dude - that keeping
wildlife, an amphibious rodent, for uh, domestic, you know, within the city - that
aint legal either.
The Dude: What are you, a fucking park ranger now?
Walter Sobchak: No, I'm...
The Dude: Who gives a shit about the fucking marmot!
The Dude: This is the fuckin' guy! I can find this fuckin' Lebowski guy!
Donny: His name's Lebowski? That's your name, Dude!
The Dude: Yes, Walter, you're right. There is an unspoken message here. It's "FUCK
YOU, LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!" Yeah, I'll be at practice.
The Dude: Walter, I love you, but sooner or later, you're going to have to face the
fact you're a goddamn moron.
The Dude: Oh, fuck me, man! That kid already spent all the money, man!
Walter Sobchak: New 'Vette? Hardly, Dude. I'd say he's still got about $960 -
$970,000 left, depending on the options.
The Dude: I could be just sitting at home with pee stains on my rug.
The Dude: I only said I THOUGHT she kidnapped herself. You're the one who's so
fucking certain!
Walter Sobchak: That's right, Dude. 100% certain.
Walter Sobchak: Now that is just ridiculous, Dude. Nobody is going to cut your dick
off. Not if I have anything to say about it.
The Dude: Thank you Walter, that makes me feel very secure, it makes me feel very
warm inside.
Walter Sobchak: Is this your homework, Larry? Is this your homework, Larry?
The Dude: Look, man...
Walter Sobchak: Dude, please? Is this your homework, Larry?
The Dude: Just ask him about the car.
Walter Sobchak: Is this yours, Larry? Is this your homework, Larry?
The Dude: Is that your car out front?
Walter Sobchak: Is this your homework, Larry?
The Dude: We know it's his fucking homework! Where's the fucking money, you little
brat?
Walter Sobchak: Look, Larry. Have you ever heard of Vietnam?
The Dude: Oh, for Christ's sake, Walter...
Walter Sobchak: You're entering a world of pain, son. We know that this is your
homework. We know that you stole a car.
The Dude: And the fucking money.
Walter Sobchak: And the fucking money. And, we know that this is your homework.
The Dude: We're going to cut your dick off, Larry.
Walter Sobchak: You're killing your father, Larry!
Jackie Treehorn: People forget that the brain is the biggest erogenous zone.
The Dude: On you maybe.
The Big Lebowski: Your revolution is over, Mr. Lebowski. Condolences. The bums
lost. My advice is to do what your parents did; get a job, sir. The bums will
always lose. Do you hear me, Lebowski?
[the Dude walks out and shuts the door]
The Big Lebowski: The bums will always lose!
Brandt: How was your meeting, Mr. Lebowski?
The Dude: Okay. The old man told me to take any rug in the house.
Da Fino: Well maybe you and me could pool our resources, you know, trade
information? Professional courtesy? Compeers, you know?
The Dude: Yeah, yeah, I get it, fuck off Da Fino. And stay away from my special -
from my fucking lady friend, man!
Maude Lebowski: Now, what happened to your face? Did Jackie Treehorn do that as
well?
The Dude: Ah, no that was the chief of police of Malibu. A real reactionary.
The Dude: Your money is being held by a kid named Larry Sellers. Real fucking brat,
but I'm sure your goons can get it off him. I mean, he's fifteen.
[pause]
The Dude: Flunking social studies.
Walter Sobchak: You know, Dude, I myself dabbled in pacifism once. Not in 'Nam of
course.
The Dude: Then you know he's got emotional problems, man.
Walter Sobchak: You mean... beyond pacifism?
Brandt: [the Dude is leaving after his first meeting with Lebowski] Well, enjoy.
And perhaps we'll see you again some time, Dude.
The Dude: Yeah, sure, if I'm... in the neighborhood and I, uh... gotta use the
john.
The Dude: By the way, do you think that you could give me that $20,000 in cash? My
concern is, and I have to, uh, check with my accountant, that this might bump me
into a higher, uh, tax...
The Big Lebowski: Brandt, give him the envelope.
The Dude: Oh, you've already got the check made out, that's great.
The Dude: Uh, and then, uh, the music business, briefly.
Maude Lebowski: Oh?
The Dude: Yeah. Roadie for Metallica
Maude Lebowski: Oh.
The Dude: Speed of Sound Tour
Maude Lebowski: Mm-hmm.
The Dude: Bunch of assholes.
Knox Harrington: So you're Lebowski. Maudie's told me all about you. She'll be back
in a moment, sit down. Would you like a drink?
The Dude: [as he sits down] Uh, yeah. White Russian?
Knox Harrington: The bar's over there.
Maude Lebowski: My father and I don't get along, he doesn't approve of my lifestyle
and, needless to say, I don't approve of his. Still, I hardly wish to make my
father's embezzlement a police matter, so I'm proposing that you try to recover the
money from the people you delivered it to.
The Dude: Well, I could do that...
Maude Lebowski: If you successfully do so, I will compensate you to the tune of 10
percent of the recovered sum.
The Dude: [stunned] A hundred...
Maude Lebowski: Thousand, yes bones or clams or whatever you call them.
The Dude: Hey, no, come on, Walter. We're ending this thing cheap, man.
Walter Sobchak: No, what�s mine is mine.
Nihilist: No funny shtuff.
The Dude: Alright, alright, I've got four dollars, almost five...
Donny: Hey, I got eighteen dollars.
Walter Sobchak: What's mine is mine.
Nihilist: We fuck you ups, man. We takes the money.
Walter Sobchak: Come and get it.