Don’t Pick Up Today

My heavy eyelids open to 3AM in the morning.

The devils hour for the next hour.
Feeling the pain.
My body shakes while my mind questions the next actions I decided to take.
My pjs soaked with sweat, I change clothes thinking that will change my perception
on the troublesome day I’m forced to embrace.
But I hear a voice saying.
DONT PICK UP TODAY!

An hour goes by and the devils hour is done for today.

My anxiety starts to build up and my reasonings starts to play a game with my
fragile mind.
Do I run with this thought or stop and reinforce an improved thought?
Again I hear a voice saying.
DONT PICK UP TODAY!

With my clammy hands shaking I’m query whether or not I should have the simple and
irresistible pleasure of a cup of coffee.
So I do Knowing the shakes will get worse, but that didn’t matter. The simple
contentment of coffee and cigarettes were gratefully accepted.
Now my heart beats faster.
My mind Races.
I’m back to that same thought but again I hear a voice saying.
DONT PICK UP TODAY!

As the sun starts to rise.

My pulse slowing but surly starts to surge. Up and down like a merry go ‘round.
Having no control of what mood I’ll have in the next minute.
Scared, startled, then petrified of what’s to come.
I stop and breathe and again I hear a voice saying.
DONT PICK UP TODAY!

The hours seem longer while the minutes sing.

Ticktock, ticktock, ticktock.
Doing anything to get my mind off the obvious.
Praying to be free of compulsion.
Praying to be free of eagerness.
Praying to stop the over analytical thoughts that feast on my brain, like a slimy
worm that works it’s way inside an apple.
Yet again I hear a voice saying.
DONT PICK UP TODAY!

I rest my eyes hoping for the much needed nap my brain needs.
Yet my brain will always be conscious even when I sleep.
Able to shut off for a couple of minutes.
All of a sudden I feel startled, anxious, then aware that there is an intruder
inside my brain.
So my Guns are drawn, there’s a knife in my pocket, and a Grenade is hidden.
I say to myself Don’t test me or I will pull the pin.
Small but dynamic it only takes a second to clinch.
So I hold that pin with all the aggression I have, like a sliver back gorilla
ready to protect its family.
Testing only myself I question what the pin really means.
I prepare myself ready for battle only realizing the only person I’m fighting is
myself, which is an unfair and dangerous battle to take on.
So instead I decided to listen.
Again I hear a voice saying.
DONT PICK UP TODAY!