CCOOVVEENNTTRRY

Y’’SS OONNLLYY
FFRRE E EE
QQUUAALLIITTYY
Edition No: 140
February/March 2023
MMAAGGAAZZIINNEE

Loaded with HEALTH TIPS, POETRY, JOKES, QUIZZES, COMPETITIONS, CASH PRIZES and much more....!
COVERING ALL OF COVENTRY and Surrounding Areas
 A WORD FROM YOUR EDITOR
Christine Jones
Hello & welcome to the February/March 2023 edition of
Chatterbox Magazine!

Well, I don’t know about you but I have found the winter months very dark
and cold, but that might be just me!! I am truly looking forward to the joy that
springtime brings. May the days progressively become a little warmer and
brighter than they are right now. We can then save on gas and electricity
too!! In the meantime I will try and raise your spirits with some funny, factual
and interesting articles; I hope you enjoy them all.
Chatterbox is owned by
Anyway back to reality and time to say thank you to all of my readers and Christine Jones
subscribers who not only support the businesses in the magazine by using the 2 Alpine Rise, Styvechale,
services advertised but also support myself and the magazine with letters of Coventry CV3 6NT
thanks, articles and poetry - it is all much appreciated. If you use a business in Correspondence can be sent to
Chatterbox, please let them know where you saw it. We need to support our local the above address or email:
shops too or we will lose them. There are many people I need to mention and thank
chatterbox@freeuk.com
for all of their help: My daughter and ‘Coventry’s first ever Poet Laureate’ Emilie,
who has helped with this edition. Thanks go to our writer Christine Stafford, who All enquiries about content and
has helped with providing editorial and poetry too and Dee for the latest ‘Zodiac advertising to Christine Jones
Stars,’ also thanks go to all of the retailers and members of the general public, both Tel: 024 7641 4458
new and old, all over Coventry and its surrounding area, who distribute Chatterbox Mobile: 079 7709 1534
Magazine - you do an amazing job, which is appreciated by both the readers and Or Check Out Our New Website!
myself! Thanks to: Steve & Chris Binnie, Bernard & Beryl, Linda Stephenson and www.chatterboxmagazine.co.uk
Kev Curtis for delivering magazines and also all of my readers who help by picking
the magazines up from me and taking them to various clubs, friends, neighbours We believe all the information to be
correct at the time of publishing.
and family - you are all great! Finally I will leave you with this thought........ The advertisements carried in this
magazine are the copyright of Chatterbox
”Always remember that you are braver than you believe, stronger than you and may not be copied or reproduced
seem, more beautiful than you imagine and loved more than you know” without prior permission of the publisher.

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Here’s the ultimate test all you armchair contestants have been waiting for. If you get stuck you
can phone a friend or consult the answers on the inside back page of the magazine. Good luck!

For £500: In which soap did the

character Hilda Ogden appear? a) Eastenders b) Emmerdale c) Coronation Street d) Holyoaks

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phrases ‘Adieu’, ‘Adios’ and
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Congratulations if you reached a million without cheating!

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SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER (SAD)
Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is a type of depression
that comes and goes in a seasonal pattern. SAD is
sometimes known as ``winter depression'' because the
symptoms are usually more apparent and more severe
during the winter.
Symptoms of SAD can include:
· a persistent low mood
· a loss of pleasure or interest in normal everyday activities
· irritability
· feelings of despair, guilt and worthlessness
· feeling lethargic (lacking in energy) and sleepy during the
day
· sleeping for longer than normal and finding it hard to get
up in the morning
· craving carbohydrates and gaining weight
· difficulty concentrating
· decreased sex drive
For some people, these symptoms can be severe and have a
significant impact on their day-to-day activities.
You should consider seeing the GP if you think you might
have SAD and you're struggling to cope. The GP can carry
out an assessment to check your mental health. They may
ask you about your mood, lifestyle, eating habits and
sleeping patterns, plus any seasonal changes in your
thoughts and behaviour.
10
What causes SAD?
The exact cause of SAD is not fully understood, but it's
often linked to reduced exposure to sunlight during the
shorter autumn and winter days. The main theory is that a
lack of sunlight might stop a part of the brain called the
hypothalamus working properly, which may affect the:
· production of melatonin ± melatonin is a hormone that
makes you feel sleepy; in people with SAD, the body may
produce it in higher than normal levels.
· serotonin is a hormone that affects your mood, appetite
and sleep; a lack of sunlight may lead to lower serotonin
levels, which is linked to feelings of depression
· body's internal clock (circadian rhythm) ± your body uses
sunlight to time various important functions, such as
when you wake up, so lower light levels during the winter
may disrupt your body clock and lead to symptoms of
SAD
· It's also possible that some people are more vulnerable to
SAD as a result of their genes, as some cases appear to
run in families.
A range of treatments are available for SAD. The GP will
recommend the most suitable treatment programme for you.
The main treatments are:
· lifestyle measures ± including getting as much natural
sunlight as possible, exercising regularly and managing
your stress levels
· light therapy ± where a special lamp called a light box is
used to simulate exposure to sunlight
· talking therapies ± such as cognitive behavioural therapy
(CBT) or counselling
· antidepressant medicine ± such as selective serotonin
reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs)
IRRITABLE BOWEL SYNDROME
Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) is a common condition that
causes a variety of unpleasant abdominal symptoms.
Who's affected?
IBS is the most common gut condition and affects up to one
in five people at some time, often between the ages of 25 to
45 years old. Women are more often affected than men.
Although the exact cause is unknown, the condition is
thought to be caused by a combination of factors including
abnormal movements of the intestines and altered sensation
of the gut. Some people develop IBS following gut infections
and food poisoning. It isn't possible to prevent IBS from
developing. However, certain things can trigger attacks for
those with IBS and should be avoided. These include stress,
eating irregular meals and, in some cases, a lack of dietary
fibre.
Symptoms
Abdominal cramps that may be eased by passing wind or
passing a motion; bloating and abdominal distension;
11
diarrhoea, constipation, or alternating diarrhoea and con-
stipation; or a feeling of incomplete emptying of the rectum
are all common.
Other possible symptoms that aren't related to the gut
include backache, tiredness, headaches, and urinary or
gynaecological symptoms.
IBS doesn't develop into bowel cancer.
Treatment
Peppermint oil and antispasmodic medication relieve
abdominal pain. Anti-diarrhoea medication will stop
diarrhoea. If constipation is a problem then increasing
fluid, fibre, activity, as well as taking a gentle laxative may
be recommended.
Some people with IBS find that increasing the amount of
dietary fibre and reducing caffeine helps. Reducing stress
and taking time to relax is important. Complementary
therapies, such as acupuncture and homeopathy, are often
used.
OSTEOPOROSIS
Osteoporosis is a condition where the bones - particularly
those of the spine, wrist and the hips - become thin and
weak and break easily. Often there are no symptoms.
Osteoporosis mainly affects women after the age of the
menopause, although men can have it too. It can occur in
younger people if they have other predisposing factors.
What causes it?
The condition occurs because from around the age of 35
more bone cells are lost than replaced. This causes the bone
density to decrease.
The first sign is commonly when a minor bump or fall
causes a bone fracture. These may result in pain, disability,
loss of independence, and death. Osteoporosis may cause
people to `shrink' as they get older. It causes the
characteristic `dowager's hump'.
Who is affected?
About 3 million people in the UK have the condition, which
is more common in women than men. Every year in the UK
over 230,000 fractures occur because of osteoporosis. In the
UK one in two women and one in five men over the age of 50
will suffer a fracture.
After the menopause bone loss speeds up making
osteoporosis more likely. In women the risk is increased if
they have an early menopause, have their ovaries removed
before the menopause, or miss periods for six months or
more as a result of over-exercising or over-dieting. For men
low levels of testosterone increase the risk. For men and
women long-term use of corticosteroid medication, maternal
osteoporosis, smoking, heavy drinking, sedentary lifestyle,
and low body weight all increase the risk.
How do I know if I've got it?
First, you need to consider if you're at higher than average
12
risk for osteoporosis. Ask yourself the following questions:
· If female, have you had the menopause? Was it premature
- earlier than 45?
· Did you have an eating disorder severe enough to stop
your periods?
· Have you had low trauma or spontaneous fractures in the
past?
· Have you been told that previous x-rays suggest thinning
of the bones?
· Have you lost height in the past ten years?
· Have you been on steroids for more than six months?
· Is there a family history of osteoporosis, easy fractures or
`dowager's hump'?
· Do you have chronic illness such as thyroid disease,
arthritis or bone disease, renal disease or hormonal
problems?
· Have you been immobile for any reason?
· Do you have a high cigarette or alcohol use?
What happens then?
If you answer yes to two or more of these questions, you
may have osteoporosis or be at risk of it. Go to see your GP
who'll send you for specialist assessment.
As well as an examination and blood checks, there are a
variety of tests which can give you a more definite density
assessment. The commonest one is called a DEXA scan.
This painless test involves a low dose of x-rays (less than a
normal x-ray) usually across your wrist or hip, which gives
a specific picture of how dense your bones are. The
specialist will then tell you whether you have osteoporosis,
or are at risk, and will suggest treatments.
Oestrogen, either naturally before the menopause or as
HRT, is known to protect against bone loss. There a
number of treatment options if you're diagnosed with
osteoporosis.
Ways to prevent osteoporosis
You can help yourself by taking general measures such as
the following:
· Increasing the calcium in your diet.
· Increasing weight-bearing exercise as this helps maintain
bone density.
· Reducing both alcohol intake and cigarette smoking.
Medication may include:
· Calcium and vitamin D supplements.
· A variety of hormone-type treatments including HRT,
tibolone and SERMS.
· Bisphosphonates are a group of drugs, which prevent
bone breakdown and can be very effective in osteoporo-
sis.
It's better to prevent any condition than simply to manage it
when it happens. Osteoporosis assessment and manage-
ment is an important factor in maintaining the health of
your bone structure as you enter middle age.
Further help
The National Osteoporosis Society
Camerton Bath BA2 0PJ
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Helpline: 0845 450 0230
Tel: 01761 471771
Website: www.nos.org.uk
FOOD INTOLERANCE
Not to be confused with food allergies, a food intolerance
can cause various symptoms including bloating, abdominal
pain and diarrhoea. We look at the most common causes
and how to get a diagnosis.
What is it?
Food intolerance is an adverse reaction to some sort of food
or ingredient that occurs every time the food is eaten, but
particularly if larger quantities are consumed.
This isn't the same as a food allergy, because the immune
system isn't activated. Neither is it the same as food
poisoning, which is caused by toxic substances that would
cause symptoms in anyone who ate the food. Food
intolerance doesn't include psychological reactions to food
either.
Causes
Food intolerance occurs when the body is unable to deal
with a certain type of foodstuff. This is usually because the
body doesn't produce enough of the particular chemical or
enzyme that's needed for digestion of that food. For
example, one of the most common types is intolerance of
cow's milk, which contains a type of sugar called lactose.
Many people have a shortage of the enzyme lactase, which
is normally made by cells lining the small intestine. Without
this enzyme they can't break down milk sugar into simpler
forms that can be absorbed into the bloodstream. Lactose
intolerance can cause symptoms very similar to irritable
bowel syndrome. Another common example is a deficiency
of an enzyme called aldehyde dehydrogenase, which is
needed to break down alcohol. Drinking even small
amounts can make affected people feel unwell. Some people
have adverse reactions to chemical preservatives and
additives in food such as seen with sulphites, benzoates,
salicylates, monosodium glutamate, caffeine, aspartame and
tartrazine.
The lack of a specific enzyme in the body may lead to the
build up of toxic byproducts and histamine, which then
mimic the symptoms of an allergy. This is called a `pseudo-
allergic' reaction.
Who's Affected?
There's a strong genetic pattern to food intolerances.
Lactose intolerance is less common among northern and
western Europeans (10 to 15 per cent are affected) than in
Asian, African, native American and Mediterranean popu-
lations (70 to 90 per cent are affected).
Babies are usually born with higher levels of lactase, so
lactose intolerance usually only begins after the age of
about two, as the body begins to produce less of the
enzyme. However, many people don't experience symptoms
until they're much older. A temporary lactase deficiency
14
may follow gastroenteritis, especially in children.
Alcohol intolerance is common among Asian people ± 50
per cent are affected.
Symptoms
Food intolerances are rarely harmful but may cause
unpleasant symptoms, including nausea, bloating, abdom-
inal pain and diarrhoea, which begin about half an hour
after eating or drinking the food in question. The severity of
symptoms varies depending on the amount of enzyme the
person makes and how much of the food has been
consumed. In alcohol intolerance, there may be intense
flushing of the skin, nausea, palpitations, headache and
feeling faint.
Diagnosis and Treatment
The easiest test for a food intolerance is to remove the food
from your diet, see if symptoms improve and then try
reintroducing the food. If symptoms return, an intolerance
is likely. Lactose intolerance can be tested for more
thoroughly using a lactose tolerance test, a hydrogen breath
test and a stool acidity test. Your doctor can arrange these
and other food intolerance tests if necessary. Food
intolerance can be managed simply by cutting the food
out of your diet. Babies or younger children with a lactose
intolerance can be given soya milk or hypoallergenic milk
formula instead of cow's milk. Adults may be able to
tolerate small amounts of troublesome foods, so may need to
experiment to work out what they can eat.
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 a meal for
two at
The Festival
Public House,
Leaf Lane, Coventry
Enjoy home-made food in a
traditional warm setting
Send your entry to Chatterbox
2 Alpine Rise, Coventry CV3 6NT
before March 7th 2023.
The first correct puzzle drawn out of the
entry box will be the winner

Across ± 3. Holds firmly (5) 8. Provide food (5) 10. Reason (5) 11. Tear (3) Name .........................................................................
12. Heathen (5) 13. Intoned (7) 15. Sailing boat (5) 18. Vehicle (3)
19. Scold (6) 21. Footballer (7) 22. Mountains (4) 23. Inquires (4) Address .....................................................................
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34. Toxic vapours (5) 35. Plural of is (3) 36. Navigate (5) 37. Sea (5) ....................................................................................
38. Prepared (5)
Down ± 1. Seraglio (5) 2. Portrays (7) 4. Street (4) 5. Musician (6) Tel No. ......................................................................
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TEACHING ENGLISH
A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of
natives how to farm and build things to be self-
sufficient gets the word that he is to return home. He
realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives
was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and
starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says
to the chief, ``This is a tree.'' The chief looks at the tree
and grunts, ``Tree.'' The missionary is pleased with the
response.
They walk a little farther and the padre points to a
rock and says, ``This is a rock.'' Hearing this, the chief
looks and grunts, ``Rock.'' The padre is really getting
enthusiastic about the results when he hears rustling in
the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple
in the midst of heavy . . . activity. The padre is really
flustered and quickly responds, ``Riding a bike.'' The
chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun
and kills them.
The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he
has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and
kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people
in cold blood that way? The chief replied, ``My bike.''
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A SERIOUS SCAM
Hi everyone
Over the last month I have become a victim of a
clever scam while out shopping.
Simply dropping into the supermarket for a bit of
shopping turned out to be quite an experience. Don't
be naive like I was and think it couldn't happen to you
or your friends. Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21-year-old girls
come over to your car as you are packing your
shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your
windscreen, almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say
`No' and instead ask you for a lift to another
supermarket. You agree and they both get in the back
seat.
Then one of them climbs over into the front seat
and starts kissing you while the other one steals your
wallet! So far I have had my wallet stolen on January
4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and
29th. Then on February 1st, 4th, 6th and twice
yesterday. So please warn all the older men you know
to be on the lookout for this scam. The best times seem
to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the
afternoon.
P.S. Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for £1.99 each
but Lidl wallets are £1.75 and look better.
Kind regards
John
PRISON PRANK
A young man is sentenced to fifteen years in prison. The
warden takes a liking to him and puts him in a cell with
a kindly old timer so that he can be shown the ropes and
not get himself in trouble. So the old timer teaches the
youngster the rules of the prison, what to do, what not to
do, stuff like that. One of the rules he learns is that there
is no talking allowed during meals. A curious thing
happens during meals though and the young prisoner is
a bit confused. In the large canteen, once everyone is
seated, one of the prisoners stands up and loudly says,
``47.'' Everyone in the hall laughs hysterically. A few
minutes later, another prisoner stands up and loudly
says, ``19.'' Again, a torrent of laughter from everyone.
This goes on throughout the meal.
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Later, when the youngster and the old timer get
back to their cell, the young man asks, ``What was
going in the canteen tonight? I thought you said there
was no talking allowed.''
``Ah, yes, the canteen. Well years ago, the warden
eased up on that rule a little bit, the one that disallows
talking at meals. You see, all of us inmates have
memorized a long list of jokes and stories by the
number, so that all one of us has to do is call out its
number, and, because we have all of the stories
memorized, it's like someone told the whole funny
story.''
The young inmate nods understandingly and falls off
to sleep After a few weeks of this mealtime behaviour,
the young man gets up a bit of nerve and decides to tell
a story. So, one evening at the dinner meal, he stands
up and loudly says, ``26.'' No one laughs. Not even a
twitter. So he tries again, ``26.'' Still nothing. He sits
down sheepishly and embarrassed.
Later, he pleads with the old timer to explain what
happened. ``That is such a good story, number 26, how
come no one laughed.''
 The old man turned to him and explained, ``It's the
way you told it.''
HELL IS COOL
An explosion last week killed a wild-living navy boiler
man and he found himself in hell. Being used to
stoking fires and extremely hot temperatures, he found
hell actually quite comfortable. When Satan went to
check out the new arrival, he found him sitting in his
room smiling.
``You like this?'' Satan asked.
``Yes, sir,'' said the sailor, ``this feels like a spring day
to me.''
Not wanting the new man to be too comfortable,
Satan turned up the heat a bit. When he went back
the next day to see how his new arrival was doing, the
sailor was still happy; he hadn't even broken a sweat. ``I
like this kind of weather,'' he told Satan.
For the next few days, Satan turned up the heat
more and more, but each day the Sailor looked as
comfortable as ever. By Sunday, Satan decided to try
something different. Rather than turn up the heat
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even more, he turned it off and turned on the air
conditioning. Icicles formed in the sailor's room!
When he checked on the man, the room was icy and
he was shivering, but he had a grin from ear to ear,
bigger than ever. Satan was exasperated! ``Why are
YOU so happy?'' he demanded from the sailor. ``It's
FREEZING in here!''
``Well, I'm from Coventry,'' said the sailor, ``and
evidently we have just finished top of the league!"
MUSICAL OCTOPUS
A man walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the
octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar
that this is a very talented octopus. So talented that he
can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears
everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an
idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager £50 to anyone
who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.
A man walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the
octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi
Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays up his
£50.
 Another man walks up with a trumpet. The octopus
plays the trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the
man pays up his £50.
Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits
them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a
minute and sets it down with a confused look. ``Ha!''
the Scot says. ``Can't you play it?''
The octopus looks up at him and says, ``Play it? I'm
going to have my wicked way with it as soon as I figure
out how to get its pyjamas off.''
A PRIEST AND NUN IN WINTER
A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a
while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted,
they prepared to go to sleep. There was a stack of
blankets in the corner and a sleeping bag on the floor
but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said,
``Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in
the sleeping bag.''
Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was
beginning to fall asleep, the nun said, ``Father, I'm
cold.'' He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got a
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blanket and put it on her. Once again, he got into the
sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to
sleep when the nun once again said, ``Father, I'm still
very cold.'' He unzipped the bag, got up again, put
another blanket on her and got into his sleeping bag
once again.
Just as his eyes closed, she said, ``Father, I'm sooooo
cold.'' This time, he remained there and said, ``Sister, I
have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where
no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend
we're married.''
The nun purred, ``That's fine by me.''
To which the priest yelled back, ``Get up and get
your own stupid blanket!"
THE PHONE CALL
A 75-year-old lady rings her local NHS hospital and
this conversation follows: `Hello I'd like some
information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was
admitted last week with chest pains and I just want
to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or
improved?'
 `Do you know which ward she is in?'
`Yes, ward P, room 2B.'
`I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'
`Hello, ward P, how can I help?'
`I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs
Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had
deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'
`I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs
Tiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained
her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after
some routine checks tonight, she should be well
enough to go home tomorrow.'
`Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you
ever so much!'
`You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or
relative?'
`No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you
anything at all in here.'
THE JOB APPLICATION
This is allegedly an actual job application that a 75-
year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge
29
Wells. They hired him because he was so funny . . .
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bugger)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman
(or at least one who will co-operate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive
or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's
available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't
be applying in the first place ± would I?
DESIRED SALARY: £15,000 a year plus share
options and a Boris Johnson style redundancy package.
If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle man-
agement hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incred-
ible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30±3:30 p.m. Monday,
Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but
they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EM-
PLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS
THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFT-
ING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more
appropriate question here would be ``Do you have a
car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL
AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already
be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free
Holiday Offer, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job ± no! On my breaks ±
yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN
FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a
fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big boobs
and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced
bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS
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TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF
YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
ONLYAN AUSSIE CAN MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE
A WOMAN
A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence
was awful, and things went from bad to worse when
one wing was struck by lightning. One woman lost it
completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and
screamed, `I'm too young to die,' she cried. She yelled,
`If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to
be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can
make me feel like a WOMAN?'
For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at
the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a
man from Australia stood up in the rear of the plane.
He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown
hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the
aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a
time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles
rippled across his chest. She gasped. Then, he spoke:
`Iron this ± and then get me a beer.'
OUTSMARTED!
It's 2007 and Ireland declares war on France. Jacques
Chirac, the French President, is sitting in his office
when his telephone rings.
``Hello, Mr. Chirac!'' said a heavily accented voice.
``This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare,
Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are
officially declaring war on you!''
``Well, Paddy,'' Chirac replied, ``This is indeed
important news! How big is your army?''
``Right now,'' says Paddy, after a moment's calcula-
tion, ``there's meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door
neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the
pub. That makes eight!''
Chirac paused. ``I must tell you, Paddy, that I have
100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my
command.''
``Begorra!'' says Paddy. ``I'll have to ring you
back.''
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. ``Mr.
Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us
some infantry equipment!''
31
``And what equipment would that be Paddy?'' Chirac
asks.
``Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer and
Murphy's farm tractor.''
Chirac sighs, amused. ``I must tell you, Paddy, that I
have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel
carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000
since we last spoke.''
``Saints preserve us!'' says Paddy. ``I'll have to get
back to you.''
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. ``Mr.
Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get
ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie
McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in
the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar
have joined us as well!''
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his
throat. ``I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100
bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are
surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.
And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to
200,000!''
32
plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his
seat and bingo ± she took the seat right beside him.
``Hello", he blurted out, ``Business trip or vacation?''
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, ``Business.
I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in
the United States.''
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous
woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she
was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling
to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, ``What's
your business role at this convention?''
``Lecturer,'' she responded,``I use my experience to
debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.''
``Really", he smiled, ``what myths are those?''
``Well,'' she explained, ``one popular myth is that
African-American men are the most well endowed
when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is
most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth
is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it
is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that
the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.''
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and
33
blushed. ``I'm sorry,'' she said. ``I really shouldn't be
discussing this with you, I don't even know your
name!''
``Tonto,'' the man said. ``Tonto Papadopoulos, but
my friends call me Paddy.''
SOME QUICKIES . . .
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this
morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for
him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the
kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and
started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to
myself, ``She's going through the change.''
Local Police hunting the `knitting needle nutter', who
has stabbed six people in the backside in the last 48
hours, believe the attacker could be following some
kind of pattern.
Bought some `rocket salad' yesterday but it went off
before I could eat it!
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for
34
I've been on the phone for ages trying to book tickets
for an Elvis tribute act, but it keeps asking me to press
1 for the money, 2 for the show......
I just brought a friend of mine a new fridge, should
have seen his face light up when he opened it
A friend of mine moved into a new house at the
weekend so I took him over a couple of radiators. Just a
little house warming present.
I've just heard the window cleaner shouting and
swearing outside my house. I think he's lost his rag.
I went to my allotment last week and found someone
had covered it with 2 inches of soil. I went again
yesterday only to find it covered again with another 2
inches of soil. The plot thickens!!!
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to
brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it, he reckoned he
could stop any time.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on
a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave
diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later
and they're still walking about with it. I thought to
myself, these idiots have lost the plot!
My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his
birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were
£70! Forget that, I thought, I can get one cheaper off
the web!
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a
good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van
parked up, and the driver sobbing uncontrollably and
looking very miserable. I thought to myself: `that guy's
heading for a breakdown'.
and finally . . . Conjunctivitis.com. Now there's a site
for sore eyes!
THE BIKER
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the
bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three
men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to
the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker
in the face and says: `I went by your grandma's house
today and I saw her in the hallway completely naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!' The biker looks
at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are
confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight
at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: `I got it
on with your grandma and she is good, the best ever!'
35
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but
the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and
says, `I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma
liked it!' At this point the biker stands up, takes the
drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes
and says . . . ``Grandpa . . . Go home!''
CAR KEYS
Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel. I was
looking for my keys. They were not in my pocket. A
quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realised I must have left them in the car.
Frantically, I headed for the car park. My husband has
scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the
ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place
not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be
stolen.
As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying
conclusion. His theory was right. The car park was
empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my
location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car,
and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most
difficult call of all, ``Honey,'' I stammered (I always call
him ``honey'' in times like these.) ``I left my keys in the
car and it's been stolen.''
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had
been dropped, but then I heard his voice. ``Are you
kidding' me", he barked, ``I dropped you off!!''
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said,
``Well, come and get me.''
He retorted, ``I will, as soon as I convince this cop I
didn't steal your car.''
UNFORGETTABLE PASSWORD
My memory really sucks so I changed my computer
password to `incorrect.' That way, when I log in with
the wrong password, the computer will tell me `Your
password is incorrect.'
THE GENEROUS DRINKER
A man goes into the pub with his head on one side and
orders a pint of bitter. He looks round the bar and says
to the landlord ``get everyone in the bar a drink.'' He
then looks into the lounge and says ``get everyone in
the lounge a drink too.''
The barman says ``that will be £162.75.''
To which the man replies ``I didn't say I was paying
did I?!''
The landlord responds ``If you had have done that in
the Red Lion, they would have broken your flippin'
neck.''
The man replied ``Where do you think I've just
come from?!''
36
37
38
39

HAPPY MESSAGES
HAPPY BIRTHDAY to our dear friend Pat
Oldham for February 7th. Have a good day.
Love from Barbara, June, Ann and Sue. 8 8 8
HAPPY BIRTHDAY Auntie Nik. Love from your
favourite niece Eva. 8 8 8
HAPPY 5th BIRTHDAY to Kyde Hudson on
February 21st from Nanny and Grandad
Slattery. 8 8 8
MANY CONGRATULATIONS to Ann and Les
Gardiner for your 65th Wedding Anniversary on
March 29th. Love from Liz, Roy, Emma, Adam
and Matt. 8 8 8
HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Barbara Hynes for her
8th birthday on March 2nd. Love and best
wishes from Pat, John, Ann and Sue. 8 8 8
HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Sue Dewar for her 83rd
birthday on March 15th. Have a good one Sue.
Love and best wishes from Ann, Pat, June and
Barbara. 8 8 8
HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Doreen Simpkin for her
86th birthday on March 26th. Love and best
wishes from Pat and John. 8 8 8
FOR SALE
FOR SALE Sunuv Smart 2.0 LED nail lamp for
gel nails. »20.00. Sells for »45.99. Tel. 024 7641
4458.
FOR SALE Power Parker Fastback book binder
Model 8X. »400 o.n.o. Was »1,500 new. With
instructions and binding strips. Tel. 024 7641
4458.
FOR SALE Canon MG6851 colour inkjet printer,
copier & scanner. With manual, installation disc
+ glossy photopaper. Needs inks. Barely used.
»17.00 o.n.o. Tel. 07805 104743.
FOR SALE Electric orange juice maker. »5.00.
Tel. 07805 104743.
FOR SALE Usborne children's home & school
books. Brand new, suitable from birth to teens.
Preferably sold as a complete lot. Call 024 7641
4458 for further info.
FOR SALE 27 silver chrome window latches
w it h k e y s, s ui t ab l e f or w o o de n w i n d ow s .
Excellent condition. »55.00 o.n.o. Tel. 024 7647
4132.
FOR SALE Wedgewood `Kulani Crane' bone
china ornaments  3. Excellent condition.
»25.00. Tel. 024 7647 4132.
FOR SALE Ladies real leather jacket, dark
grey, size 10. Lovely soft leather, worn a couple
of times. »55.00. Tel. 024 7647 4132.
FOR SALE As new reclining sun chair, green &
white tropical pattern. »30.00 o.n.o. Tel. 024 7647
4132.

Chatterbox Classified Free Advertising: Fill in the form below for any For Sale,Wanted or Happy Messages. Send
to Chatterbox, 2 Alpine Rise, Coventry CV3 6NT.
I would like the following advertisement/happy message to appear in the next edition of Chatterbox.
Closing date is March 7th 2023
......................................................................................................................................
......................................................................................................................................
Name/Address/Tel: ...............................................................................................................

40
 What's Going On?
COVENTRY PROBUS CLUB
Coventry Probus Club for retired professional and businessmen
meets at St James Hall on Knoll Drive, Coventry at10.15 a.m. on the
first Friday of each month for tea/coffee and a presentation by a
guest speaker. For details of past and future events, see
https://coventryprobus.org.uk/ We also meet socially for lunches,
strolls and other events, with partners.
Contact secretary Ray Starkey at 024 76411929 or
starkeyrb@outlook.com for details.
CHEYLESMORE GOOD NEIGHBOURS
ONE-TO-ONE COMPUTER GUIDANCE
Cheylesmore Good Neighbours is an organisation staffed entirely by
volunteers.We offer one-to-one computer guidance sessions in
conjunction with student volunteers from Warwick University.
The 90-minute sessions cost »8.00 each, and are held at Quinton
Park Baptist Church Hall, Cheylesmore. The sessions are ideal for
absolute beginners, people who wish to improve their skills or gain
more confidence on their device.We do not provide advanced tuition
in specialist topics.
You would be allocated a volunteer and learn on your own device. As
you would set the agenda for what you want to learn, you work
entirely at your own pace. If you do not own a device, we could lend
you a laptop for the session.
THE SIXTIES DECADE
If your group needs a speaker, these talks are a follow-on from``The
Sixties Coventry and me'' which will cease from 31 December 2022.
The Sixties decade [which will be available from1 January 2023] will
be a look back at the sixties in two talks.1960 to 1964 and 1965 to
1969 covering news, music entertainment and audience memories.
Please contact
Larry Watson on 07982100 702
email: larry.watson1@btinternet.com
Talks are free, any donations will go to Myton Hospice
IN-PERSON ARTHRITIS ACTION GROUP
Arthritis Action are happy to announce in-person group meetings in
Coventry.We are really looking forward to seeing you again in
person following a pause of our face-to-face events due to the
COVID-19 pandemic.We hope that you can join us.
These meetings are a great opportunity for you to meet others in
your area with arthritis, and share your tips, and experiences with
others about how you can manage your arthritis with confidence.
We meet atThe Salvation Army Centre,
Upper Well Street, Coventry
To book your place or if you have any further questions please
contact info@arthritisaction.org.uk or call 0203 7817120

If you are interested, contact Alex Robinson on 07737 511215.

(You can text or leave a message and we will get back to you).
As places are limited booking is essential.

COVENTRY MALE VOICE CHOIR

Coventry MaleVoice Choir is a traditional four-part harmony
amateur choir with charity status.We rehearse on Wednesday
evenings for two hours from 7:30pm at the Woodside Avenue
Methodist Church Hall, near to the Burnt Post pub, and we sing
publicly in our own concerts or with other choirs.

If you are interested in singing with us, please contact

in the first instance ccmvcsecretary@gmail.com.

CHEDHAM'S YARD AT WELLESBOURNE

Are you still looking for speakers for your club?
Learn about ChedhamsYard, the 19th-century Blacksmiths and
Wheelwrights at Wellesbourne, winners of BBC RestorationVillage
in 2006. Call Eric on 01789 555678 for more information
or visit our website www.chedhamsyard.org.uk

COVENTRY SOCIAL CIRCLE

The Coventry Social Circle (formerly Coventry Wine Circle) meet at
St Christophers Church Hall,Winsford Avenue, Allesley Park,
Coventry on the third Tuesday of every month at 8 pm.
We have a variety of speakers and interactive evenings including
Saturday evenings for Valentines Dance, Annual Dinner, Skittles
nights, etc.We also arrange Holidays, Short Breaks, Day trips, etc.
It is a non-profit-making circle
purely for social gatherings with friends.
Why not come along and join us to see what we are all about.
For more information contact
June Britain on 02476 460874.

41
What's Going On?
CHEYLESMORE GOOD NEIGHBOURS
Are you interested in making new friends, listening to interesting
speakers, joining us for a trip to the theatre or days out?

We meet every two weeks on a Friday afternoon 2pm±4pm at

Quinton Park Baptist Church Hall.

For further information, contact

Frances on 07787 597467

JERRY'S OUTLOOK
We are a group who meet at the JohnWhite Community Centre in
Grange Avenue Binley every Wednesday 11.00 till 12.30 (tea, coffee
and biscuits available) for socialising and chatting and optional
activities including indoor bowling, dominoes, word games,
monthly quizzes, guest speakers, and coach trips, etc.
We are a very friendly group open to people of any age
but at present mainly older people.
Transport can be provided by the`Ring and Ride'.
New members are always very welcome and more details can be
obtained fromVeronica (7645 6679) or David (7645 0703).

42
 THE FINALWORD
COMPETITION RESULTS
The competition winners from the December/January 2022/23 were N. Ellis of Baginton Road, Coventry,
who won a meal for two at The Festival Public House, Leaf Lane Coventry with their correct crossword
entry. Tim Evans of Rosslyn Avenue, Coundon, Coventry who won Spot The Difference sponsored by
Chatterbox Magazine and last but not least the ever popular wordsearch sponsored by Chatterbox
Magazine was won by Miss Wendy Stokes of Emily Smith House, Bell Green, Coventry who wins a £30
cash prize to spend on whatever they want! As always I would like to thank all of you who took the time and
trouble to enter the competitions, I truly wish there could be more than one winner for the competitions but
that's life! Sorry if you were not a lucky winner this time but please try again with the many competitions to
enter in this issue, you stand far more chance of winning with Chatterbox Magazine than you would on the
lottery!!!
Also, for those readers that enter all or many of the competitions please note you do not have to send all
your entries in separate envelopes, save yourselves some money also I will accept photocopied com-
petition entries or even entries written on a piece of paper if you prefer not to cut up your edition of the
magazine.
ONLY ONE ENTRY PER FAMILY FOR EACH COMPETITION PLEASE.

ANSWERS TO to
Answers WHO
WhoWANTS
Wants TO
To BE A Millionaire
Be A MILLIONAIRE

For £500 c); for £1,000 a); for £3,000 d); for £5,000 b); for £10,000 c); for £20,000 b); for £40,000 a);
for £80,000 a); for £160,000 c); for £250,000 a); for £500,000 b); for £1,000,000 b)

ATTENTION ALL READERS! IF YOU HAVE ANY STORIES, POEMS, JOKES OR THOUGHT-PROVOKING
MATERIAL, PLEASE SHARE IT! SEND IT TO CHATTERBOX, 2 ALPINE RISE, COVENTRY CV3 6NT.
YOUR NAME CAN BE INCLUDED OR WITHHELD IF YOU PREFER. SO GET WRITING NOW
AND YOU COULD BECOME A LOCAL CELEBRITY!!

THE NEXT Friends of Chatterbox Magazine

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2023
Please send any letters, local news
or articles to Chatterbox, 2 Alpine
Rise, Coventry CV3 6NT,
e-mail chatterbox@freeuk.com
or visit our website at
www.chatterboxmagazine.co.uk
By MARCH 7th 2023
For details of advertising your
business in Chatterbox, contact
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ring 079 7709 1534
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EVERYBODY'S FREE LOCAL MAGAZINE WITH MORE TO READ

43