Lockstock Screenplay

<html><head></head><body><pre style="word-wrap: break-word; white-space: pre-wrap;">Lock,
Stock & Two Smoking Barrels
By Guy Ritchie
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - PRESENT
This whole scene is shot using only extreme close-ups of eyes, cards,
tapping fingers and mouths. We open on a bright pair of eyes. One is
bruised and slightly swollen, but this does not detract from their
clarity.
EDDY
Three card brag is a simple form of poker; you are dealt only three
cards and these you can't change. If you don't look at your cards
you're a `blind man' and you only put in half the stake. Three of any
kind is the highest you can get: the odds are four hundred and twenty-
five to one. Then it's a running flush - you know, all the same suit
running in order; then a straight, then a flush, then a pair, and
finally whatever the highest card you are holding. There are some tell-
tale signs that are valuable; I am not going to tell you them because
it took me long enough to learn them, but these can only help a player,
not make one. So you want to play?
DISSOLVE TO BLACK. THE FIRST OF THE CREDITS APPEAR ON THE SCREEN.
FADE IN:
What have you got?
We cut to a beady pair of eyes and then to his cards as they are turned
over: three hearts of no consecutive numbers are exposed. That's a good
hand. A flush beats my pair. What about you?
* Cut from completed film.
Another pair of excited eyes widen to the question. We see more cards:
a run is revealed.
And here's me trying to explain the game to you. Hustlers, you're all
hustlers!
We cut to a shot of a small amount of money being scooped up. OK! You
got some real money?
DISSOLVE TO BLACK: MORE CREDITS APPEAR ON THE SCREEN.
FADE IN:
Ed scoops up a large pile of money.
Odds chaps, you gotta remember the odds.
There 韘 a loud slam of a door. We cut to a wide shot of a policeman

who has just entered. It is then revealed that two of the three players
are also policemen. They stand to attention, red faced with
embarrassment.
SERG
I hope I am not interrupting. Comfortable, Edward?
EDDY
I haven't slept for forty-eight hours, got a dozen broken ribs, can
feel a case of the flu coming on and . . .
SERG
(interrupts)
All right, all right, don't think I wouldn't like to get rid of you;
but before I do, I need to know what's going on, son.
EDDY
If you think you're in the dark, I am in a black hole, blindfolded.
DISSOLVE TO BLACK. THE MUSIC STARTS.
We pull back out of the black to reveal that we have been sitting in
the inside of a shotgun. The barrels recede further, then `boom.' LOCK
STOCK are shot out of the top of the screen in peppered letters. We
wait for a while, as the barrels reappear through. the smoke. We then
see one smoking barrel; 'boom!' the other is let off: AND TWO SMOKING
BARRELS joins the sentence.]
EXT. STREET (FLASHBACK] - DAY
We open on a smart, casually dressed man selling perfume and jewellery

on a street corner. A crowd has gathered, attracted by the alarming
volume at which he is advertising his wares.
BACON
See these goods, they never seen daylight, moonlight, Israelite, Fanny-
by-the-gas-light. If you can't see value here today you're not up here
shopping, you're up here shoplifting. Take a bag, take a bag. I took a
bag, I took a bag home last night and she cost a lot more than ten
pounds I can tell ya. Tell me if I am going too cheap. Not ninety, not
eighty, not forty, half that and half that again, that's right, ten
pounds. Don't think 'cos it's sealed up it's an empty box. The only man
who sells empty boxes is the undertaker, and by the look of some of you
here today I would make more money with me measuring tape.
A well-dressed, zealous character (Eddy) appears from behind the crowd

waving money. It seems he can't wait to get rid of it.
EDDY
Bargain, that's a bloody bargain if I ever heard one. Ten pounds you
say? I'll have five.
Certainly sir. I'll just wrap.
Changing his attention.
BACON
Excuse me misses, sorry sir, ladies first and all that.
A tourist spectator, rather than a buyer, has been. put on the spot.
She fumbles through her bag hastily all too aware of the attention of
the crowd, of which she is now the focus. She passes her money like
it's contaminated. Others follow suit.
Buy 'em, you better buy 'em; they're not stolen, they just never been
paid for.
This really stokes the fire. The money can't come fast enough. Just as
business reaches its peak there is a call of alarm from the first
enthusiastic punter, who seems to be rather more familiar than he first
pretended.
EDDY
Bacon!
Bacon's expression changes dramatically. A series of crash zooms

between Ed's, Bacon's and a third party's eyes (the police) reveal
there is a problem. They're off: EDDY and BACON run like they have done
this before. They go down an ally; Ed jumps some stairs, we freeze.
BACON
(voice-over)
Ed can run fast, talk fast, eat fast, and play cards fast, but he's
fucking slow when it comes to spotting the roz.
EDDY
(voice-over)
The reason he is called BACON is he spent so much of his youth in the
police station that people thought he was one of them. But he is a big
boy now and it is time to move on.
We cut to a shot of Ed as he lands. He has made good distance.

INT. GROCER'S SHOP - MORNING
EDDY arrives at a grocer's shop. We meet Tom. Tom is talking to Nick

the Greek.
TOM
What are you talking about? I am bloody skinny, pal.
NICK
Of course you are. All right, Ed.
EDDY
Nick the Greek, always a pleasure. All right Tom, what you been eating?
Tom examines his midriff and adopts a confused expression.
TOM
Please, both join me in my orifice.
INT. GROCER'S SHOP STORE ROOM - DAY
They work their way past a maze of boxes.
NICK
(fingering and admiring one of the boxes)
How much did you say it was, Tom?
TOM
You know how much it is, Nick.
NICK
And that does include the amp?
TOM
You know it doesn't include the amp.
INT. RESTAURANT KITCHEN -AFTERNOON
Tom and Ed make their way through a busy, well-equipped kitchen. This
is obviously a smart and serious establishment. They stop in front of
the man whose uniform is covered in blood; he appears to be the head
chef. Meet Soap.
TOM
What have you come as?
SOAP
Cupid stupid! That's the last time I am getting any more fruit off you
Tom. Call that fresh? There was more small hairy armoured things in
your fruit than there was fruit. You should open a butcher's, not a
grocer's.
TOM
If you will order stuff that comes from Kat-Man-Fucking-Du don't be
surprised if your fruit picks up a few tourists en route. ~ Never mind
that, what about the money?
SOAP
Get your fingers out of my soup!
SLOW MOTION
Soap pulls out a bag from under where he is sitting.
TOM
(voice-over)
Soap is called Soap because he likes to keep his hands clean of any
unlawful behaviour. He is proud of his job, and even more proud that
it's legal.
BACON
(voice-over)
He's a stroppy sod but he's got more balls than a golfer, only he
doesn't know it. ' * Cut from completed film.
16
RELEASE SLOW MOTION]
Ed looks in bag.
EDDY
Are you sure you can afford twenty-five?
SOAP
Well that depends on how you look at it. I can afford it as long as I
see it again, if that's what you mean. You got the rest from the fat
man and Bacon?
Tom looks on with suspicion.
TOM
Who's this fat man, then?
EDDY
Bacon, the fat man and myself, and it's time to make a call to Harry.
INT. HATCHET HARRY'S OFFICE - DAY
A hard-looking man of about fifty is sat behind a large antique desk.

On this desk is a hatchet resting in a block of wood, poised like a
judge's hammer. Harry is obviously in the sex game. Cluttered up in a
hazardous way are a selection of dildos, spanking paddles, etc. A
cabinet of fine-looking shotguns is placed behind. We have a split
screen involving EDDY and his friends (listening in) and Hatchet with
one hand on the phone and the other on a shotgun.
HATCHET
You got it all?
INT. KITCHEN - DAY.
EDDY
A hundred grand.
FREEZE SHOT OF HATCHET
TOM
(voice-over)
You see it's not easy to take a seat at this table; the money involved
has to be a hundred grand upwards and there is no shortage of punters.
EDDY
(voice-over)
The man who decides if you can play is this man Harry, or Hatchet Harry
as some including himself like to call him.
RELEASE FREEZE SHOT OF HATCHET
HATCHET
Well if you got it, you got it. Now, if you don't mind . . .
The phone is slammed down.
SHOT OF HATCHET
SOAP
(voice-over)
When the old bastard is not playing cards he's chasing a thousand debts
that ill-fated individuals owe for an array of reasons.
BACON
(voice-over)
Sex and sleaze and antique shotguns are all deep and dear in Harry's
stone cold heart.
Cut from completed film.
RELEASE FREEZE SHOT OF HATCHET

HATCHET
What's this EDDY like, then?
The camera spins round to reveal a massive monster of a man sitting

opposite Hatchet. Meet Barry the Baptist.
FREEZE SHOT OF BARRY
EDDY
(voice-over)
Hatchet has a colleague, a monster of a man: Barry the Baptist.
BACON
(voice-over)
The Baptist got his name from drowning people for Hatchet.
TOM
(voice-over)
But he needs him, because he is good at making sure debts get settled
and jobs get done.
RELEASE FREEZE SHOT OF BARRY
BARRY
EDDY been shaking the knees of a lot of good players. The boy has a
rare ability, he seems to make cards transparent, got bluffing dow . .
.
HATCHET
(interrupts)
All right, all right, so we can say he is good.
BARRY
Better than good, he is a fucking liability.
HATCHET
Where did he get a hundred grand?
20
BARRY
He has got some adhesive mates, they have tossed up between them.
HATCHET
And JD is his dad, and owns the whole property?
BARRY
No mortgage, no debts; lock, stock, the sodding lot . . . don't worry,
I got it under control.
HATCHET
Good, you can get this under control now.
A glossy Christie's brochure displaying a pair of impressive antique

hammer-lock shotguns is shoved in Barry's face.
It seems Lord Appleton Smythe has run out of money, and these little
beauties are up for auction, but I am not paying quarter of a million
quid for 'em, if you know what I mean Barry. One of my associates has
given me an address and the location of these lovelies. Make sure we
get everything from inside the gun cabinet. I don't want to know who
you use, as long as they are not complete muppets; and don't tell them
what they're worth.
Changing the subject.
'Ere! Hold on, what do you think of these? We are selling hundreds.
Holds up one of the spanking paddles.
BARRY
Er, very nice Harry. What's it for?
HATCHET
Don't play innocent with me Bazza; spanking!
The paddle is brought down hard on the desk: slap.
INT. TORTURE ROOM - DAY
Meet the Dog. Dog is horrible. He is large and intimidating.

Administering pain is Dog's forte. He is also the Guy we cut from the
last scene `slap' to the teeing of a golf ball. Wallop. Dog pulls a
sadistic and alarmingly pleasurable face.
DOG
It's a dog eat dog world, lads, and I got bigger teeth than you.
We see an individual hanging upside down tied up with gaffer tape but
otherwise naked. An orange is stuck in the man's mouth. Dog is standing
on another man's chest who has a tee stuck between his teeth from where
Dog fires golf balls at the other unfortunate figure. The tied-up man
is Gordon. The other is Slick. Gordon nods his head erratically
implying that he has reached a decision.
(to Plank)
I think your man is trying to say something.
Pause.
Perhaps not; maybe I should have another swing just to make sure.
Agonised muffled screaming from Gordon. Slick (who has a tee in his
mouth) shuts his eyes in horror as the golf ball thumps into Gordon.
Yes, Gordon, is there something you would like to tell us?
The orange is removed from Gordon's mouth.
GORDON
(rushing to get the words out)
In the kitchen, under the floor . . .
SLICK
(interrupts)
Shut it, you idiot . . .
Dog swings the golf club round Slick's jaw, knocking him unconscious.
DOG
You were saying?
GORDON
It's in the karzi, pull the fishing wire under the seat. Jesus, for
god's sake let me down.
PLANK
Oh, Dog! . . . I think you want to have a look at this!
Plank returns holding an assortment of drugs and cash. Gordon starts to

scream. Dog picks up a steel for sharpening knives and throws it across
the room. Thunk. Silence follows. Plank grimaces.
Oh, Dog!
EXT. ED AND BACON'S HOUSE - EVENING
Ed, Bacon, Soap and Tom park outside their house. As they get out they
pass Plank and John who have also just parked. They ignore each other,
and go to their separate doors.
INT. ED AND BACON'S HOUSE - NIGHT
BACON places a pile of money on a table. The rest are eating, Tom keeps
looking at his plate distastefully.
BACON
Twenty-five from me, Tom, Soap and yourself; a hundred grand to the
pound. You don't need to count it.
EDDY
I still will, if you don't mind.
TOM
(eating)
So, a reasonable return should be in the region of one hundred and
twenty, for twenty-five grand invested. That's going on previous
experiences.
SOAP
That's going on optimism.
TOM
Whatever it's going on, it's still enough to send you on a cooking
course.
SOAP
You're not funny Tom; you're fat and look as though you should be
funny, but you're not.
Tom is definitely not overweight, quite the opposite in fact. He

examines himself to see if something has developed.
TOM
Fat? Who are you calling fat? What are all these fat jokes about?
The light switch above Tom's head lets out a few sparks causing him to
cower in a sharp defensive action.
Jesus! It's good in here, ain't it! Trains overhead, walls exploding .
. . Why the hell did you move in?
EDDY
Because it's cheap like a budgie.
BACON
And nobody wants to live next door to the people that we live next to;
a bit anti-social, you know.
BACON beckons Tom to a cupboard built into the wall.
TOM
What do you mean?
EDDY
He means they're thieving dogs.
BACON
I mean when they are not picking peanuts out of poop, they're ripping
off unfortunate souls of their hard-earned drugs.
BACON opens the cupboard doors and puts his finger to his lips. The
noise from next door immediately gets louder.
Not exactly thick, these walls.
DOG
(off)
No you prat, that's for me.
INT. DOG'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Dog has a small pile of money and pills that he is distributing to his
lads.
DOG
How many times do I have to explain this to you, Plank? You find a job
worth doing and you will find your share improving . . . Now do you
have a problem with that?
He obviously doesn't.
INT. ED AIVD BACON'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Tom raises his eyebrows and frowns to Bacon.

EXT. BIG BOY'S GYM/SOLARiUM - NIGHT
Meet Big Chris and Little Chris (twelve years old).
BIG CHRIS
How long has he been in there, son?
LITTLE CHRIS
About twenty minutes.
BIG CHRIS
Is he on his own?
LITTLE CHRIS
Just carrying a bag.
BIG CHRIS
Let's have a look, shall we?
INT. GYM/SOLARIUM - NIGHT
BIG CHRIS
Son, have a look under that one.
Little Chris looks under one of the sunbeds.
LITTLE CHRIS
It's not him, Dad.
BIG CHRIS
Try that one.
Little Chris returns from a peek and nods in confirmation.
LITTLE CHRIS
Sleeping like a baby.
Big Chris then approaches and raises the sunbed.
BIG CHRIS
This is one of those high-powered numbers, isn't it?
John O'Driscoll's eyes widen; Chris slams down the sunbed on top of him
as hard as he can.
Got some bad news for you, John.
JOHN O'DRISCOLL
What the fu-!
Big Chris slams down the sunbed on top of John.
BIG CHRIS
Mind your language in front of my boy.
JOHN O'DRISCOLL
Jesus Christ!
Big Chris repeats the earlier treatment twice more.
BIG CHRIS
That includes blasphemy as well. Now tell me, John . . .
JOHN'O'DRISCOLL
Tell you what, Chris?
A man opens the sunbed mom door.
SUNBED MAN
I say, hold on.
LITTLE CHRIS
I say shut it!
SUNBED MAN
You what?
BIG CHRIS
He said shut it!
Chris pulls a mean face; the door is closed.]
Tell me John, how you can concentrate on improving a lovely tan, and it
is a lovely tan by the way, when you have more pressing priorities at
hand?
JOHN O'DRISCOLL
Tell Harry . . .
Bang as sunbed comes down again.
BIG CHRIS
Did I say speak? And it's Mr Harry to you . . . Now don't disappoint me
and chose your words carefully. You may speak.
JOHN O'DRISCOLL
I'll have it for Mr Harry in a few days. I have been busy, and I am
nearly there.
BIG CHRIS
Son, have a look in his locker.
JOHN O'DRISCOLL
No chance of you lifting this sunbed up is there?
30
BIG CHRIS
Yeah, all right.
Big Chris lifts it, then smashes it down again. Now, you want me to
lift it up again?
Little Chris pipes up. Obviously familiar with counting money he has
flown through it.
LITTLE CHRIS
He's not poor. Five hundred and sixty pounds and that's just in his
wallet . . . Fuckin' 'ell John, you always walk around with that in
your pocket?
The expression on Big Chris's face changes.
BIG CHRIS
Oi! Next time you use language like that, boy, you'll wish you hadn't!
LITTLE CHRTS
Sorry, Dad.
BIG CHRIS
Right, well, put the rest of the stuff in that, son. You can go home in
a plastic bag tonight, John. You owe what you owe arid before this tan
has faded, you want to have paid.
Chris punches John unconscious and turns the time dial up.
INT. JD'S BAR - NIGHT
JD's bar is an impressive sort of uptown-downtown establishment with

pretty girls serving a laddish clientele. The boys are propped up at
the bar, looking straight ahead in silence. They look nervous. The
silence is broken by Ed.
32
EDDY
I am going to the john.
He walks off.
TOM
What you telling us for? The only thing I care about is whether you get
your rest in.
SOAP
Tom, you're all heart.
TOM
Listen cooky, you want to make sure that man rests before he plays;
it's in all our interests.
JD
(the bar owner and Ed's father)
All right lads? How's things? How's it going, Soap? Cooking all right?
Where's that son of mine?
Each time a question is asked the lads try to answer but are just left
with their mouths open, which remain open as a gorgeous girl walks
through the bar (Daisy).
INT. SLOANES' HOUSE LABORATORY - NIGHT
We cut to a small, humid, artificially lit, illegal forest being

cultivated for profit. Someone is smoking a joint and raising his
eyebrows at his friend. These two characters are J and Charles; they
have got hair down to their shoulders, small try-hard goatees and
science-lab coats, with nothing much underneath.
J
(coughing)
This gear is getting heavier you know, Charles. I got a suspicion we
should have been rocket scientists, or Noble Peace Prize winners or
something.
A horn blows (the door bell).
CHARLES
Who the hell is that?
INT. SLOANES' HOUSE - NIGHT
The door opens to reveal Willy. Under each arm is a large bag of
fertilizer.
WILLY
Give me a hand Charlie, I could break sweat at any second.
A voice comes from behind them. At the top of the stairs stands
Winston. He slowly starts to walk down.
WINSTON
Charles, why have we got this cage?
Pause. Charlie shrugs.
CHARLIE
Er, for security.
WINSTON
That's right, for security. So tell me, Charles, what's the point in
having it if we don't fucking use it?
CHARLIE
Well, because it's Willy and Willy lives here.
WINSTON
Yes Charlie, but you didn't know it was Willy, did you?
WILLY
Chill, Winston, it's me and Charlie can see it's me, so what's the
problem?
WINSTON
The problem is, Willy, that Charlie and yourself are not the quickest
of cats in the alley at the best of times, so just do as I say and keep
the fucking cage locked.
Pause as the two in the door look slightly pissed off at being shouted
at. Winston sighs and looks at what Willy is carrying.
WINSTON
What are you carrying, Willy?
WILLY
Er, fertilizer.
WINSTON
You went out six hours ago to buy a money counter and you come back
carrying two bags of fertilizer. Alarm bells are ringing, Willy.
WILLY
We need fertilizer, Winston.
WINSTON
We also need a fucking money counter, William! We have to get the money
out by Thursday and I'll be buggered if I am counting it . . . and if
you have to get your sodding fertilizer, couldn't you be a little more
subtle?
WILLY
What do you mean?
WINSTON
I mean we grow copious amounts of ganja, and you don't look like your
average hort-er-fucking-culturalist, that's what I mean, Willy.
Winston turns on his heels and walks off. 35
Ed returns to the bar to find Tom, Soap and BACON

looking in disbelief.
TOM
(pointing to watch)
What the hell are you doing here?
EDDY
Why, what's up?
TOM
Er, let me guess, my foot in your arse? A game of cards and Hatchet
Harry. You're supposed to be getting some rest, boy!
Ed grimaces as his father approaches. He has overheard this last

statement.
JD You playing cards tonight with Harry?
EDDY
(pauses)
Don't be silly Dad, I wouldn't have anything to do with that.
We calm down for a while. A cool track is playing. Ed is now smartly

dressed, sitting in an armchair. We have a close-up of his face. He is
motionless, eyes closed; he looks asleep. The camera slowly tracks down
his body We reach a single hand; he is cutting the pack skilfully and
faultlessly; he is very much awake. There is a knock on his door. His
eyes open.
INT. SEEDY BAR - NIGHT
Near-naked girls are gyrating against blue poles, which keep

distracting these men's attention. Meet the two Scousers - Gary and
Dean. The Scousers are in their late twenties, one big, one small. Gary
(the smaller) sports a large demi-perm. They bear strong Liverpudlian
accents. They are meeting Barry (Hatchet's man).
GARY
Shotguns? What, like guns that fire shot?
BARRY
Oh, you must be the brains then. That's right, guns that fire shot . .
. Make sure you bring everything from inside the gun cabinet. There
will be a load of guns, that's all I want. I'll pay you when you
deliver. Everything outside the cabinet you can keep; it's yours.
GARY
(sarcastically)
Oh, thanks very much. And there had better be something there for us.
BARRY
It's a fucking stately home, of course there'll be something there.
DEAN
Like what?
BARRY
Like antiques.
DEAN
Antiques? What the fuck do we know about antiques? We rob post offices
and steal cars, what the fuck do we know about antiques?
BARRY
If it looks old, it's worth money, simple. So stop fucking moaning and
rob the place.
GARY
So who's the Guv? Who we doing this for?
BARRY
You're doing it for me is all you need to know. You only know that
because you need to know.
GARY
I see, one of those `on a need to know' basis things, like a James Bond
film, is it?
BARRY
Careful, remember who's giving you this job.
A bit of confused eye-rolling goes on. Barry eventually looks at his

watch.
I am off, it's all yours now. Call me when you're done.
As he leaves, the two Scousers eye him distastefully.
GARY
(to Dean)
I hate these Southern shites.
BARRY
(on his way out, whispering to himself)
Fucking Northern monkeys.
EXT. BOXING CLUB ENTRANCE - NIGHT
EDDY and the lads have all made an obvious effort with their
appearance. They are met by a doorman.
DOORMAN
Invitations.
EDDY
Invitations?
DOORMAN
Yeah invitations, you know a pretty white piece of paper with your name
on it.
EDDY
Well we have got about a hundred thousand pretty pieces of paper with
the Queen on it. Will that do?
DOORMAN
All right, just you; the others can wait in Samoan Jo's next door.
EDDY
Samoan Jo's? Yon mean the pub? Hold on . . .
DOORMAN
Hold on bollocks, no one but card players in here tonight sonny, and I
do mean no one.
INT. BOXING GYM - NIGHT
EDDY enters the boxing gym on his own, and raises his eyebrows at the
thought of climbing into the ring. Everybody else is sitting down
counting their money and converting it to chips. Ed takes the only
empty chair and has a quick look around, particularly behind.
EDDY
Evening Frazer, Phil, Don. This is a bit dramatic, isn't it? Is it
supposed to be symbolic?
40
PHIL/DON
All right Ed. Apparently it's for security.
EDDY
I would have brought my gloves if I had known.
HATCHET
You must be Eddy. JD's son.
EDDY
Yup, you must be Harry? Sorry, I didn't know your father.
HATCHET
Never mind son, you just might meet him if you carry on like that.
There is an attractive blonde croupier shuffling the cards. EDDY
Evening Tanya, it has been a while.
EXT. SAMOAN JO'S - NIGHT
As the boys walk in to Samoan Jo's, a man comes tearing out of the door
covered in flames followed by his friends trying to put the flames out.
The lads look on in mild shock.
TOM
I heard this place was rough.
EXT. STATELY HOME - NIGHT
The Scousers make their way to the front door and unravel their lock-
picking kit. '
42
SAMOAN Jo's - NIGHT
SOAP
What sort of a pub is this then?
SAMOAN JO
A Samoan one. Anything else?
BACON
(receiving a monstrous, leafy cocktail)
What's that?
SAMOAN JO
A cocktail, you asked for a cocktail.
BACON
No, I asked you to give me a refreshing drink. I wasn't expecting a
fucking rainforest; you could fall in love with an orang-utan in that.
SAMOAN JO
You want a pint, go to the pub.
BACON
I thought this was a pub.
SAMOAN JO
It's a Samoan pub.
BACON
Well whatever it is, could you get your man to turn the TV down?
SAMOAN JO
You ask him if you like, but I would leave him to it if I was you.
BACON looks at Rory Breaker, the man watching the TV.
BACON
Excuse me, could you turn the TV down?
RORY BREAKER
No.
He takes a swig of whatever he is drinking and frowns at Bacon. BACON

frowns back, then Soap interrupts.
SOAP
This is the English-Brazil game, isn't it?
CROUPIER
This is three card brag, gentlemen. That means that three threes is the
highest, then three aces and then running down accordingly; then it's a
running flush, a run, a flush, then a pair: An open man can't see a
blind man, and it will cost you twice the anti to see your opponent.
Don't fuck around, fellas; you all know the rules and you know I won't
stand for it.
FRAZER
What sort of shirt is that then, Ed? 'Three hundred open.
EDDY
The type of shirt that has buttons on the front and collars at the top,
Frazer. One hundred and fifty blind.
DON
Three hundred and fifty open.
PHIL
Fold.
HATCHET
Three hundred and fifty open.
FRAZER
You're the only fella in London who wears shirts like that. Three
hundred and fifty open.
EDDY
No Frazer, it's just I'm the only classy fella you have had the
pleasure of seeing in London. One hundred and seventy-five blind.
DON
Four hundred open.
HATCHET
Four hundred open.
FRAZER
Eight hundred. Like that, do ya, son?
EDDY
When my knees stop knocking I'll live with it. Four hundred blind.
INT. BOXING GYM CHANGING ROOM - NIGHT
Barry, who is sitting among sweaty towels, takes out a four-inch

monitor and switches it on, and hey presto we can see the card table.
The camera is placed behind Ed in one of the four posts. Barry zooms
in, pauses on the back of Ed's head, gets his focus and jibs down to
view his cards, pauses and re focuses, because Ed is playing blind. He
hasn't raised them: there is nothing Barry can do. We cut to Barry's
other hand. He is pressing a button on a remote control. We cut
straight to Harry's leg which is receiving the pulse.
46
BOXING GYM - NIGHT
HATCHET
Listen ladies, this is cards. Men play cards, you want to talk soft you
should be at the fucking hairdressers, so shut up and play.
(dramatic pause)
I fold.
FRAZER
Two thousand open.
EDDY
One thousand blind.
DON
Two thousand open.
FRAZER
Deep end, eh? Fold.
EDDY
Two thousand blind.
DON
You what?
There is a pause as Don examines Ed's brow looking for a trace of

nerves.
Two grand? You're still blind. You have been eating too much English
beef, mate; honkers, mad.
HATCHET
Well, you going to play?
Cut from completed film.
DON
Fucking right I am going to play. Three thousand, there.
CROUPIER
Four thousand to an open man, you know that.
We can feel the confidence emanating from Eddy. Don continues to search
Ed's forehead waiting for a break of nervous moisture, but it's as dry
as a desert disco.
EDDY
Donald, do you know how to play this game? The reason I put in half the
anti is because I don't know what I have got. Now play, or fold.
Silence.
EXT. STREET - NIGHT.

Don is thrown out on to the street, screaming and cursing.
EXT. STATELY HOME - NIGHT
The Scousers, having now entered, make their way through the large
house.
DEAN
OK Gary, we call each other Kenny, all right?
GARY
All right, Kenny.
Dean looks at Gary's disguise with some distaste. He has a stocking

pulled over only half his face. A sexy thigh grip is replicating an
artificial, frilly moustache, not giving the desired menacing look. A
big bouffant head of hair is neatly being conntrolled up on top.
DEAN
Can't you pull that stocking down further, Kenny?
GARY
It just cost me fifty quid to have this done.
(Lovingly rearranging his hair)
If you think I am going to ruin it for a couple of old bastards you're
mistaken, Kenny.
Music starts. We cut to a montage of Ed, Hatchet and Barry at work. Ed

must be about 250,000 up but the game is getting out hand and pieces of
paper are being signed; IOUs.
INT. STATELY HOME BEDROOM - NIGHT
Dean returns down a corridor carrying an armful of rifles and enters a

large bedroom. There are a couple of toffs (English aristocrats) tied
up in bed. The old man has bits of tissue between is toes which Gary
has seen fit to light, in order to extract information. Briefly meet
Lord and Lady Appleton Smythe Winston and Daisy's parents).
DEAN
What are you doing, Kenny?
Gary is on the point of lighting another piece of tissue.
GARY
Finding out where he keeps the money.
48 49
DEAN
Kenny, you twat, does it look like these people have got any money?
They can't even afford new furniture. We've got the guns; now if you
don't mind . . .
At that moment they are interrupted by the sound of a shotgun

cartridge. The ancient butler has made an unexpected entrance. He is
holding an equally ancient pair of hammer-lock guns (the ones from the
catalogue) which he has obviously got little control of. The recoil
knocks the butler clear off his feet. The second shot hits the ceiling
covering the old boy in plaster.
We cut to a POV of the butler on his back. We see Dean looking down.
You want to be more careful, old fella. You very nearly took my man's
head clean off with that. You all right, Kenny?
We cut to a shaking shell-shocked Gary, mouth agape. The gun shot has
torn through the centre of Gary's bouffant hairdo leaving him with a
pair of smoking Mickey Mouse ears. Shock prevents him from answering.
Kenny?
EDDY
Ten grand blind.
We see Hatchet feeling his leg; he looks shifty
Barry zooms in again; he can see nothing.
HATCHET
Twenty thousand open.
EDDY looks at his cards: he has a running flush.
EDDY
Barrv sighs with relief and types in the relevant information.
Having received this information Hatchet pauses, then . . .
HATCHET
I'll fold.
We hear lots of oohs and aahs. EDDY frowns slightly This is odd play.
Rather than looking happy he has a discrete glance over his shoulder;
satisfied that nothing can be amiss, he collects his money.
Don't go spending, that all at once, boy.
Barry's phone rings. He jumps in shock and fishes around to find it.
BARRY
What?
50 ~ 51
INT. RED PHONE BOX - NIGHT
The Scousers reply; Gary is still unable to speak due to his shotgun
experience.
DEAN
I thought you said no staff, Bazza!
BARRY
You get the guns?
DEAN
You should see what they did to poor Gary.
Gary wanders past the phone box in a gormless state. He obviously

doesn't know what day of the week it is.
DEAN
Gary, get back into the van!
Barry frowns down the telephone. Yeah, yeah, we got 'em.
BARRY
Good. I'll speak to you later.
Barry clicks the phone off. Dean looks at Gary and raises his voice as
if speaking to a deaf person.
DEAN
Gary, Gary, if you can hear me, I think we better get you back in the
van now, OK?
Dean takes his arm and guides him back into the van.
BOXING GYM - NIGHT
Stakes have increased dramatically. There is a pause as Frazer looks at

his cards.
EDDY
PHIL
OK. My Doctor would beat me to a heart attack if he knew what was going
on here. I fold.
HATCHET
Got some cards there, boy? Thirty thousand. Back to you already Eddy?
Hatchet looks impatiently at the door.
EDDY
Fifty grand.
Hatchet scours Ed's forehead. It is still dry.
HATCHET
Eighty grand.
BOXING GYM CHANGING ROOM - NIGHT
Barry, who is trying as hard as he can to see Ed's cards, frustratedly

zooms in and out; eventually Ed raises them just
enough; Barry jibs, hey bingo he sees Ed's cards!
Ed's got nothing but a pair of sixes. Barry excitedly starts tapping
away.
53
INT. BOXING GYM - MGHT
EDDY
One hundred grand.
FRAZER
Hold on fellas, I know . . .
HATCHER (interrupts j
I know you're not in, which means nobody cares what you know. Two
hundred and fifty.
Hatchet and EDDY minutely study each other's hairlines, waiting for a
nervous droplet to appear. Sweat breaks; a drop on Ed's forehead, fills
frame. Slowly we follow a droplet's journey coursing down Eddy's brow
Eventually this is met by a large unblinking eye, at this point the
pause is broken.
EDDY
That is quite a raise, one hundred and fifty on my hundred.
HATCHET
Yes . . . and is there something else you want to say? EDDY
As you know, this puts us in an awkward position. I don't have enough

to continue.
Pause.
CROUPIER
We will have to see both your cards if no one loans EDDY the money to
continue. It's a loan or we see both your cards.
Silence follows. A lot of nose scratching and examining of imaginary

dirty ftngernails spreads contagiously throughout the remaining
company.
It doesn't look . . .
HATCHET
(interrupts)
I will.
EDDY
You will what?
HATCHET
I will loan you the money.
Silence. The sweat bead reaches the bottom of Ed's chin, trembles for a
second, then unattaches itself. Very slowly it falls. We follow its
long silent journey. Eventually it is greeted by the back of Ed's
cards. It explodes dramatically in sound and vision, symbolizing this
worrying news.
EDDY
I think I would rather just turn them over.
HATCHET
I am not interested in what you would rather; I want to keep going. I
am also offering you the money, so we don't have to turn them over
because you can borrow.
EDDY
I need two hundred and fifty grand.
HATCHET
No, you need five hundred grand to see me.
Ed's face is now awash, busily blistering with sweat.
EDDY
That's if I want to see you.
HATCHET
Well, you're going to have a problem carrying on, aintcha.
The pause is painful.
55
CRUOPIER
You can still fold.
EDDY doesn't like the sound of this. There is sympathy in her voice.
Harry looks sharply through narrowed eyes at the croupier; the croupier
pleads with Eddy.
EDDY
I'll see ya.
HATCHET
For half a million?
EDDY
Unless you are going to accept twenty quid.
HATCHET
And still got a sense of humour. That's not monkey nuts son; you can
still fold.
(Pause)
OK, before I loan you this, I expect, if you lose of course, my money
back within a week, Crystal? That's Sunday, OK?
These last few words echo in the distance of Ed's mind (and ours). He
is committed, but has now left the world of the conscious. Hatchet
turns over the first card; it's a seven. EDDY
ushers him on; another seven, it looks as though he will have three;
then the third: it's a four. There is an anti-climatic silence. After a
loud pause . . .
CROUPIER
Is that it?
56
FRAZER
He was bluffing!
Hatchet looks content and rather nonchalant.
HATCHET
Let's see your fucking cards.
Nobody is impressed by Hatchet's cards; all eyes fall on EDDY

expectantly We crash in to Ed's pupils with a loud swoosh. They
contract to the size of pinheads. His world has changed for ever.
FREEZE SHOT OF EDDY
EDDY
(voice-over)
I knew he was bluffing, but somehow the worst card player round the
table had fucked me like a frozen virgin with a pair of sevens. A
series of blows to my head with a baseball bat would have been greeted
with a grin compared to this. Ten minutes earlier, I was two hundred
thousand pounds richer; now I owed half a million.
RELEASE FREEZE SHOT OF EDDY
Harry approaches Ed and whispers in his ear.
HATCHET
I know your friends are responsible for most of that cash, so I'll give
you all a week to find it. After that, I'll take a finger off each of
you and your friend's hands for each day that passes without payment;
and when you have all run out of digits, then who knows what?
Ed gets up. We stumble with him in slow motion. He is hardly able to

stand. He wobbles over to the door. Harry continues to talk over the
top.
Business is business, and I am good at making mine work. I like your

dad's bar, JD's, so don't get clever or lethargic. If you can't pay in
a week, a few fingers and a bar for starters.
Ed stumbles out of the door, doubles up and vomits all over the f door.
INT. SAMOAN JO'S - NIGHT
Ed has made his way into the bar. All his friends have fallen asleep.
One of Bacon's eyes opens to see Ed cleaning himself up.
BACON
This doesn't look good.
The others wake on this statement. We cut between the lads and their
frozen reaction.
FREEZE SHOT OF LADS IN SHOCK
EDDY
(voice-over)
I then explained the unfortunate position we were in. Harry was going
to start sizing up all our fingers in a week, 'cause he knew there was
no way I could raise that kind of money on my own. Harry saw it as
their money on the table so it was also their debt off the table. I
hate to admit it but I could have kissed the old bastard for that. If I
said I wanted to settle this debt on my own it would have been a lie.
RELEASE FREEZE SHOT OF LADS
EDDY
Listen, I wish he would let me settle it on my own.
Tom drops his drink and rushes Eddy.
58
TOM
I'll kill him!
BACON
(intercepts Tom)
Stop fucking around, Tom, and think. What are we going to do?
SOAP
What's all the fuss about Harry? Why don't we just boycott the payment?
They all look at Soap like he is mad.
INT. HATCHET HARRY'S' OFFICE - NIGHT
BACON
(voice-over)
Let me tell you about Hatchet Harry. Once there was this geezer called
Smithy Robinson who worked for Harry. It was rumoured that he was on
the take. Harry invited Smithy round for an explanation. Smithy didn't
do a very good job. Within a minute Harry lost his temper and reached
for the nearest thing at hand, which happened to be a fifteen-inch
black rubber cock. He then proceeded to batter poor Smithy to death
with this; that was seen as a pleasant way to go . . . Hence, Hatchet
Harry is a man you pay if you owe.
EDDY
I'll think of something, don't worry.
EXT. STREET - DAY
Ed, who looks like he is close to suicide, has developed a two-day

stubble and his eyes have disappeared into black sockets. He stumbles
along the street with a bottle of scotch poking out of a pocket. He
stops outside JD's, looks at the entrance and decides not to go in.
60
INT. SLOANES' SITTING ROOM - DAY The ridiculous door-bell horn blows.
J
Who the hell's that. It's only twelve.
WINSTON
Use that cage, that's what it's there for.
WILLIAM
(off)
Who is it?
PLANK
(off)
Plank, open up.
This is done without the use of the steel-caged security door.
This weed is getting quite a reputation, you know, fellas. Gloria

remains motionless in her chair. Plank waves his hand about in a sort
of `how you doing' way to everyone and goes to take a seat. At the last
minute, poised like he is sitting on a potty he realizes he is about to
sit on this girl.
Jesus! Never saw you there. Hello, love. Enjoying yourself?
Gloria doesn't respond. Plank waves his hand over her face. Still no
response. Plank looks around for some acknowledgement.
Is she, er, compus?
WINSTON
(doesn't look up)
What do you think?
Plank takes a close look at the girl.
61
GIRL
BOO!
Plank jumps back, completely taken by surprise, knocking over a

pedestal of shoe boxes stacked up against a wall, full of fifty-pound
notes.
PLANK
Fuck me!
Charles, pissed off, looks at William like it's his fault.
CHARLES
Fod God's sake.
WILLIAM
Clean that up, Charles.
CHARLES
Sod you, you clean it up.
PLANK
Sorry fellas, but that stupid cow!
WILLIAM
Never mind, could you please just sit down and stay out of the way.
WINSTON
Anyway, how much do you want?
PLANK
(trying to look like the money hasn't had an impact on him)
I am after a half weight.
WINSTON
That's one and a half thousand. Pass those scales, Willie, and sort out
the gear, Charlie. Any chance of seeing your money?
INT. JD' S BAR - DAY
Cut to Bacon, Soap and Tom sitting and talking in the back of JD's bar.
They don't look a lot better than Ed.
BACON
The odds are one hundred to one so all we need is five grand.
SOAP
I would rather put my money on a three-legged rocking horse. The odds
are a hundred to one for a good reason, BACON
. . . it won't win. So where is Ed with all the bright ideas?
BACON
At the bottom of a bottle and has been for two days; it's hit him hard.
SOAP
It's hit us all hard!
BACON
Yeah, but he has got to tell his Dad he is about to lose his bar.
Tom, who has not really been listening, suddenly interrupts.
TOM
Listen to this one then; you open a company called the Arse Tickler's
Faggot Fan Club. You take an advert in the back page of some gay mag,
advertising the latest in arse-intruding dildos, sell it a bit with, er
. . . I dunno, `does what no other dildo can do until now', latest and
greatest in sexual technology. Guaranteed results or money back, all
that bollocks. These dills cost twenty-five each; a snip for all the
pleasure they are going to give the recipients. They send a cheque to
pleasure they are going to give the recipients. They send a cheque to
the company name, nothing offensive, er, Bobbie's Bits or something,
for twenty-five. You put these in the bank for two weeks and let them
clear. Now this is the clever bit. Then you send back the cheques for
twenty-five pounds from the real company name, Arse Tickler's Faggot
Fan Club, saying sorry, we couldn't get the supply from America, they
have sold out. Now you see how many of the people cash those cheques;
not a single soul, because who wants his bank manager to know he
tickles arses when he is not paying in cheques!
There is a long pause while BACON considers this.
BACON
So how long do you have to wait 'till you see a return?
TOM
Probably no longer than four weeks.
BACON
A month? So, my friend, what fucking good is that, if we need it in six
. . . no, five days?
TOM
Well, it's still a good idea.
SOAP
Listen to this one . . .
INT. DOG'S HOUSE - DAY
We see the back of a head.
DOG
So do you know these geezers well?
PLANK
Well enough. I have been buying gear off one of them for a couple of
years.
DOG
What they like then?
PLANK
Poofs. Nothing heavy, four public school guys. Soft as shite.
INT. JD'S BAR - DAY
Soap is finishing off his suggestion for raising money.
SOAP
And you keep all the money'
Pause. BACON and Tom frown at Soap.
TOM
I have heard some fucking stupid ideas in my time but yours makes
Bacon's sound inspired.
INT. ED AND BACON'S HOUSE - DAY
Ed fumbles with his keys at his front door. He enters his house in a
sort of zombie state, takes off his jacket and opens the cupboard
doors. He hangs his coat up (it promptly falls off" the hanger) and he
collapses in a pile on the floor. The cupboard doors now being open, he
can clearly hear next door's discussion. We track in very slowly on Ed.
PLANK
They ponce around in funny hippie clothes all day, talking bollocks.
They're just good at growing weed, that's all, and business has got
bigger than what they can keep up with.
INT. JD'S BAR - DAY
SOAP
If you're so fucking clever why don't you come up with a suggestion?
BACON
I am thinking, I am thinking.
DOG
(off)
Listen, they can't be all stupid if they got a container load of cash
sitting in shoe boxes, a skip-load of Class A gear and you don't think
there is anybody sensible involved.
We reach the end of our track. Ed's head is on a pitiful angle in full
close-up. It straightens and his dark eyes widen immediately on this
news.
DOG
What about security?
PLANK
There's one steel gate as you go in but they never lock it.
DOG
What do you mean, never? Well what have they got it for, then?
PLANK
I must have been there fifty times, it's never been locked; they're not
suspicious. Everybody who goes there are toffs. They're all into that
karma crap: `If I don't harm nobody, nobody harms me' stuff.
DOG
Is there no way they can get back to you?
PLANK
Even if they could they'd be too shit scared. They have got no muscle;
they're gutless faggots.
66 ~ 67
IN'T. HATCHET HARRY'S OFFICE - DAY
Barry and Harry are talking. Harry is polishing a shotgun. It is very

different in appearance to the hammer-locks.
HATCHET
Is Big Chris on his way?
BARRY
Should be here any minute. I think you're making a mistake, Harry.
That's a lot of money for Chris to be running after. I wouldn't trust
him to bring it back here.
Hatchet's speech is laced with cut-aways of Big Chris in action, and on

the ascent (with Little Chris) of Hatchet's stairs.
INT. HATCHET HARRY'S STAIRCASE - DAY
HATCHET
(voice-over)
What do you know about Chris, eh? You put Big Chris on a job and he
will make sure it gets done, no matter what's in his way. His dad used
to collect debts and his dad before that, and that monster of a boy
will after he has gone. It seems that the Almighty himself requested
them to collect debts for eternity and not to fear knocking on old
Nick's door himself, if he was behind on his payment. But he has never
nicked a picker in his life. Straight as an arrow and as strong as the
bow that fired it. If you dropped your tenner he would search till he
found ya . . . the only problem is he isn't stable, has a temper like a
runaway train, and he hits twice as hard. Heaven protect anyone who
touches that boy, not that the boy needs protecting.
We see Big Chris walking up the stairs. He reaches the top and knocks
on the door.
Big Chris is sitting in front of Hatchet, Barry behind Chris.
HATCHET
Want a drink?
BARRY
Hello son, would you like a lolly?
LITTLE CHRIS
Piss off you nonce!
BIG CHRIS
Oi, watch it! No thanks Harry, we are both all right. Nice shooter.
HATCHET
Like it? One of a pair, Holland and Holland. Here, you want to hold it?
BIG CHRIS
Nah, not my thing, thank you, Harry. Business good? I imagine that's
what I am here for.
Harry leans the gun against the side of the desk and takes a seat, does
a breast-stroke movement to clear his desk of all the sexual debris,
takes a big breath of air and begins.
HATCHET
I want you to forget about any other debts at the moment; there are
fresher fish to fry!
BIG CHRIS
Go on.
HATCHET
It's a bit of a priority. Four young fellas who got in deeper than they
could handle; they owe me half a million pounds.
68 ~ 69
LITTLE CHRIS
How much?
Tom, BACON
and Soap are sitting in front of Ed who looks as though he is about to
launch in to a speech.
TOM
What's the flapping about? You told the old man yet? EDDY
I hope I won't need to. I got a plan. So listen carefully.
INT. SLOANES' SITTING ROOM - NIGHT WINSTON
Look, he set us up. That means he put money into us, which means he
expects money out of us. You don't need to be an economist to work that
out.
J
He might think we smoke a lot and burn a bit of profit, but he can't
have any idea about the hard currency we've accumulated. We can just
slice it off the top.
WINSTON
You guys, you've got to realise who this chap is. He's a fucking
lunatic. If he gets the slightest inkling that we are not throwing
straight dice, you - and fuck it, me - are going to know what the sharp
side of a kebab knife feels like.
*CHARLES Come on, we are in this for the cash however it comes.
The phone rings. Winston picks it up.
70
WINSTON
Hello.
DAISY
(she is upset)
Winston?
WINSTON
Yeah.
DAISY
It's Daisy.
WINSTON
I know who it is. What's the problem?
The situation has been explained. There are thoughtful frowns on all
foreheads. There is a pause.
SOAP
Well, what do you want us to do about it?
EDDY
Hit the fuckers.
Pause while this is digested.
I know it sounds a bit heavy, but it's not like you are doing anything
illegal.
BACON
I don't know how you've reached that conclusion.
EDDY
They can't report they have had all their drugs and money nicked, can
they?
71
TOM
How heavy are the fellas anyway?
EDDY
They don't look all that.
SOAP
Hitler didn't look all that.
EDDY
All right, but for Christ's sake we're in the soup and this is the
silver spoon. If you can think of another way to get out, let me know.
It's not like we've got all the time in the world either . . . Dig?
Silence falls over them.]
BACON
I am game.
TOM
Me too.
S0AP
Oh, god!
EDDY
Well, we hit them as soon as they come back. We'll be waiting and
prepared for them.
Pause as Ed's voice drops a little. And they are armed.
SOAP
What was that, armed? What do you mean, armed? Armed with what?
EDDY
Er, bad breath, colourful language and a feather duster! . . . What do
you think they will be armed with? Guns, you tit!
SOAP
Guns! You never said anything about guns. A minute ago this was the
safest job in the world, now it's turning in to a bad day in Bosnia . .
.
EDDY
Jesus, Soap, stop being such a mincer. I thought about that and...
SOAP
And what exactly?
EDDY
And we will just have to find out who's going to be carrying them.
SOAP
Carrying them. They could all be carrying them for what we know.
EDDY
No, just one of them is in charge of them going to the job. So I assume
he will still
be carrying when he comes back from the job.
SOAP
Oh, you assume, do ya? What do they say about assumption being the
brother of all fuck-ups?
TOM
It's the mother of fuck-ups, stupid!
SOAP
Well, excuse me, brother, mother or any other sucker, doesn't make any
difference, they are still fucking guns, and they still fire fucking
bullets!
72 ~ 73
EDDY
Soap, if you got a better idea to get five hundred grand in the next
few days you let us know . . . In the meantime, Tom, speak to Nick the
Bubble about moving the weed.
Tom and Nick are stuck away in a corner playing on a fruit machine.
NICK
Weed?
TOM
Not normal weed. This is some fucked-up skunk class A. I can't think
let alone move shit.
NICK
Doesn't sound very good to me.
TOM
Neither me, but it depends on what flicks your switch, and the light's
on and burning bright for the masses.
NICK
You'll need samples, Tom.
TOM
No can do.
NICK
Where's that? A place near Katmandu? Meet me half way, mate.
TOM
Listen, it's all completely chicken soup.
NICK
It's what?
TOM
Kosher as Christmas
NICK
(rolls his eyes)
Jews don't celebrate Christmas, Tom.
TOM
Never mind that now. I also need some artillery, you know, a couple of
sawn-off shotguns.
NICK
Bloody hell, Tom! This is a bit heavy. This is London, not the Lebanon'
Who do you think I am?
TOM
I think you're Nick the Greek.
INT. RORY BREAKER'S OFFICE - DAY
There's a cacophony of seventies funk and football filling the room. We

meet Rory Breaker. Rory is a very well-dressed cool-looking black dude.
He is in his own way sophisticated, considering what he does for a
living. His help, however, are less well-informed. Rory has Nick the
Greek in front of him.
RORY
Nick, I don't have anything to do with weed, normally, but if it is
what he says it is, I'll give him three and a half thousand a key,
that's if it is what he says it is. I don't want to see it after a
sample, I don't want to touch it after a sample. I'll leave you in the
capable hands of Nathan here. He will work out the details, but let me
get this straight. If the milk turns out to be sour, I ain't the kind
of pussy who will drink it. Know what I mean?
74 ~ 75
INT. GARAGE UNDER THE ARCHES - DAY
The Scousers are handing over all the shotguns from their previous job
to Barry and assistant. Dean has got a complicated hair arrangement to
disguise his accident with the butler. Barry raises his eyebrows at
this new look.
BARRY
Is your hair supposed to look like that, then?
Gary ignores this question.
DEAN
Next time we do a job like this we gonna want more money, or we are
going back to post offices and cars.
BARRY
Where're the others?
Barry is looking with same concern for the hammer-lock Purdeys.
DEAN
There are no others.
BARRY
Now, stop fucking around. The others, the old ones?
DEAN
I don't know what you mean.
BARRY
(dead serious)
There were two old guns there; where are they?
DEAN
Not in the cabinet there wasn't. There was a couple of old hammer-lock
muskets the butler was carrying; they were ours, and we sold 'em!
77
BARRY
Well you just better un-sell 'em, sharpish.
DEAN
They were . . .
BARRY
(interrupts)
I am not fucking interested.
Shouting. If you don't want to end up counting the fingers that you
haven't got, or sharing a bed with the anti-Christ, I suggest you get
those guns, quick.
INT. BACK OF VAN - DAY
We are facing Nick's large behind, builder's cleavage poking out of the
top of his trousers. Nick is unwrapping two long implements from a
sheet: the hammer-lock Purdeys.
TOM
Jesus, if I pick them up, will they stay in one piece? Where did you
get them from?
NICK
I got contacts. Listen Tom, if you pointed them at me I'd shit myself
or do whatever you said to do. Either way you still get the desired
effect.
TOM
They look nice, I agree . . . but lacking in criminal credibility,
aren't they? I might get laughed at. How much do you want for these
muskets?
NICK
Seven hundred each.
78
TOM
What's that, a pound for every year they have been around? I know
they're antiques, but I ain't paying antique prices. Pause.
And they're a bit long, aren't they?
NICK
Sawn-offs are out, Tom; people like to have a bit mare range nowadays.
TOM
Range? I don't want to blow the arse out of this country, granted, but
I don't want anybody blowing a raspberry at me either. I want to look
fucking mean.
NICK
Of course you will look mean, Tom, you will look really scary.
TOM
All right, let's forget about them for the time being. What about your
weed man?
NICK
Rory Breaker is standing by. You stand to make a lot of money, Tommy
boy.
We are looking directly at JD's shell-shocked face. He gently lays down

an empty glass on the bar.
HATCHET
I understand if this has come as a bit of a shock, but I'll tell you
how this can be resolved by the good father.
* Big Chris in completed film.
Pause. The camera spins round to reveal Hatchet and Barry the Baptist.
JD
Go on.
HATCHET
I like your bar.
JD
Yes?
HATCHET
I want your bar.
JD
And?
HATCHET
Do you want me to draw a picture?
JD
Harry, that boy doesn't know his arsehole from his ear-hole, or you
from a hoodwink. This bar is mine, and he has nothing to do with it.
HATCHET
What, and I care? Remember, you do have the luxurious advantage of
being able to sustain your son's life.
JD
And you do have a reputation, so I'll choose my words carefully. But
not to put too fine a point on it, fuck yourself, Harry!
Barry pulls a kind of mock-scared face and clutches his heart.
80
HATCHET
Oh, careful JD, you'll give Barry a heart-attack.
We crash-zoom again into Harry's eyes to see the pupils contract. It's
time to look mean.
I'll put that down to shock, but only once, only once can or will I let
you get away with that. Your son's still got three days to find half a
million, but make up your mind which one you prefer: your son, or your
bar.
We have a slow-motion close-up of the drink being slammed down, proving

a point.
BACON has rigged up an amplifier to the hole in the cupboard along with
a ridiculous amount of recording equipment. The house lights still
flicker on and off. We start the first part of the conversation looking
at Bacon, who has his headphones on. We cut to Dog halfway through the
second sentence.
INT. DOG'S HDUSE - DAY
PLANK
There's nothing to worry about, it's going to be easy.
DOG
There is no such thing as easy in my experience and, if you think this
is going to be easy, you're a dick. It may be easier than most but it's
not going to be easy.
BACON has a kettle next to where he is sitting. It steams away quite

happily but a worrying noise starts to come from the plug socket. BACON
prepares himself.- BOOM! He disappears into black.
They react to the BOOM! Dog looks at the wall with suspicion, misses a
beat, then continues.
DOG
What's that idiot doing next door?
(Points at Paul)
We use your van. It's up some stairs this place, so we'll stick out
like balls on a bulldog. Plank is going up first. There is a cage but
it is never locked, is it Plank?
PLANK
No.
DOG
And it better bloody not be. Once he is firmly in place, he gets the
rest of us in. We'll get nasty with a couple of them, shit 'em up,
scare and gag 'em. I can't see these wankers giving us a problem, but
they might have a couple of tools hanging around like any cowboy. When
the job is done we'll come straight back here. It's dark by then,
unload and Robert's your father's brother. Everybody savvy?
ALL TOGETHER
Yup.
DOG
Right, tomorrow, eight o'clock we'll do it. Apparently these stags
don't get out of bed till midday, lowest ebb and all that, and that's
how I like it.
BACON is now lit by candle.
BACON
Jesus.
DOG
(off)
So no messing around tonight. We leave eight a.m., OK?
EDDY
Yes?
BACON
It's happening tomorrow morning. Get back here now.
SOAP
(staggering)
Where did you get those from, a museum?
TOM
Nick the Greek.
BACON
How much did you part with?
TOM
Seven hundred for the pair.
SOAP
Drachmas, I hope. I would feel safer with a chicken drumstick. They
could do more harm than good.
BACON
Jesus, Tom, do they work?
TOM
I dunno, but they look nice. I rather like ' em.
EDDY
Top of the list of priorities, how nice they look.
SOAP
Ladies, if you don't mind, back to a more important issue. We've only
got two real guns . . . apparently that's what they are. We find a good
place to hide next door. When it sounds like the right time, we jack in
the box, look nasty and stuff, cocoon them in gaffer tape, then we nick
their van and swap the gear into a new van and then bring it back here.
As long as we are all out of our hiding places quickly, it's the last
thing they'll expect. If Tom and anyone else feels like kicking them
around a bit I am sure it won't do any harm. A bit of pain never hurt
any one (thinking about it) if you know what I mean . . . Also, I think
knives are a good idea, you know, big fuck-off shiny knives, the ones
that look like they could skin a crocodile. Knives are good because
they don't make any noise, and the less noise the more we're likely to
use them. That'll shit 'em up and make us look like pros.
There is a pause as they look at Soap with suspicion.
TOM
Is there something we should know about you, Soap?
BACON
I am not sure what's more worrying, the job or your past.
INT. ED AND BACON'S HOUSE - MORNING
Ed and Bacon, etc, are all mounted up on top of one another looking out
a crack in the curtain. They are observing Dog's party en route to
work. They are dressed as kebab shop assistants.
SOAP
Where the fuck are they going? To butcher a sheep? I thought this was a
robbery.
EDDY
Where did they get those outfits from? Haven't we got some like that,
Tom?
TOM
Well, not exactly like that.
INT. DOG'S HOUSE (VAN) - MORNING

Dog and troop load up.
INT. SLDANES' SITTING ROOM - MORNING
Cut to Sloanes. They are up and unusually awake. Today is the day to
move the money so they are comparatively alert. There is lots of
activity.
WINSTON
You fucking jelly-heads, move it. You have been up for two hours, you
should have got somewhere by now. The gear and the money has got to be
out of here before twelve.
The horn blasts.
Who's that? J, don't you dare open the door until you use that cage. I
am serious, and find out who it is first.
86
INT. SLOANES' FRONT DOOR - DAY
J
(raising his voice for the door)
Hello, can I help you?
PLANK
All right, it's Plank. Is Willie there?
J
No, I'm afraid he's not. He's out at the moment.
PLANK
Well, perhaps you can help?
J
Well, perhaps I can't, Plank, if you know what I mean.
PLANK
Look, could you just open the door so I could talk without shouting?
J
I can't help you, Plank.
PLANK
I think you'll find it is in your interest.
INT SLOANES' SITTING ROOM - DAY
J
Hold on. OK.
(Whispering inside.)
Look Willie, it's Plank outside asking for you, he says it's in our
interest.
87
WINSTON
I don't care if it's King fucking Kong, he is not coming in here, not
today.
WILLIAM
Hold on: we are in business and correct me if I am wrong, but that is
business?
J
Corrected; that's a walking accident that we can do without.
WILLIAM Jesus, he's OK; he knows only to buy weights now, so we are
looking at least a couple of thou; just one last time.
J
What do you think, Winston?
Pause.
WINSTON
Willy, this is the last time, and don't let him know that you're here,
otherwise he will be here all day, and get rid of him quick. We have
work to do.
EXT. SLOANES' STAIRS - DAY
DOG
(frustrated)
What the fuck is going on?
MICK
Do you want me to have a look, Dog?
DOG
No, you silly fucker, stay still.
(Whispering)
What's going on?
PLANK
Come on, I can't wait out here all day.
Starting to get anxious that the whole deal could be off Plank looks
down the stairs and waves at Dog as some kind of reassurance.
J
(off)
All right, just coming.
J unlocks the door after getting the cage ready. There's an external
door, and then a small corridor before the cage. J is inside the cage.
Two, or at a push, three people could fit in this space before they
would be poking out on the outside world.
INT. SLOANES' CAGE - DAY
PLANK
I thought you were going to leave me out there all day.
J
I didn't know you were a kebab man, Plank.
PLANK
(taking the piss)
Lives and learns doesn't one.
Then devastation slaps him hard.
Keep the gates locked now, do you?
J
Sorry, got to do business like this now; can't be too careful these
days.
PLANK
I know.
(Suddenly turning very nasty whispering.)
Now shut it. You say a fucking word the right knee goes, another word
then your left.
J
(confused and believing it's a joke, until he sees the gun.)
What are you doing, Plank?
PLANK
What do you think I am doing? Hold on. What are you doing? Unlock that
gate. Oi! I said unlock that fucking gate.
J has found it all too much and has passed out with fear, collapsing on
the floor in an awkward contorted position. Plank is desperately trying
to find the right key. Things are not going as well as planned. Dog, in
the meantime, has decided it's time to start the show
EXT. SLOANES' STAIRS - DAY

DOG
Go! Go! Go! Fucking run, you two.
They all go charging into the open door only to slam straight into
Plank. The keys go flying out of Plank's hands and through the cage.
Plank cries with frustration, reaching out with his hand to retrieve
them. Dog, finding the gate locked, is none too happy They are also
still exposed to the eyes of the world due to the lack of space between
the outside door and the inside cage.
90 ~ 91
DOG
(mesmerized}
The fucking gate's shut, you prick.
PLANK
Just hold on, I got the keys.
Having clawed them back with the end of his shotgun.
DOG
(seeing an unconscious man at his feet)
What the fuck did you do to Fauntleroy?
PLANK
(fumbling and panicking)
I didn't touch him, he just passed out.
INT. SLOANES' SITTING ROOM - DAY
WINSTON
J, what's going on out there?
(Realising)
Get the rifle out, Charles. We're being fucked.
INT. SLOANES' FRONT DOOR - DAY
DOG
Get the sodding gate open now, Plank.
Plank is busy fumbling about, not really getting anywhere because of

the pressure being applied.
PLANK
(trying to convince himself, as much as Dog)
It must be this one.
DOG
Just give me the keys.
The gun with which Plank has been entrusted is pointing straight at
Dog's groin.
Point your gun in there, dick, not at me.
Mick has unwrapped his gun from his case. Dog turns and looks amazed at
the size of the weapon.
What the fuck is that?
MICK
It's a bren gun.
DOG
You could have brought something a bit more fucking practical, couldn't
ya?
Pop! We hear the sound of an air gun pellet hitting the bars.
PLANK
(trying to salvage some credibility)
Don't you stags move or I'll kill the lot of ya.
DOG
(amazed by this stupidity)
Who are you going to kill Plank? There's no one there.
We hear another pop and Plank gets shot in the neck. This
understarulably sends him into a real panic, thinking this is curtains.
PLANK
(gurgle)
They shot me!
Panic unashamedly exposing itself. Trickles of blood start flowing from

in-between Plank's fingers.
DOG
(unimpressed)
Well shoot them.
Plank shoots at everything and nothing. Smoke fills the corridor,

leaving them in a cloud. A bit of coughing goes on, then silence.
JOHN
Jesus Plank, you could have got smokeless cartridges, I can't see a
bloody thing.
Pop! Another pellet is fired hitting John in the chest.
Ah, Jesus, shit, I've been shot!
DOG
I don't fucking believe this. Could everybody stop getting shot. Sit
down John, you cock, patch yourself up; it's only a fucking air rifle.
Dog is interrupted by an enormously loud blast of machine-gun fire. Dog

and the boys panic, cover their ears and hit the floor. After this
outburst Dog looks up at Mick and sees he is the culprit. Mick looks
down at Dog expecting a congratulatory nod from Dog; he doesn't get it.
What the fuck was that?
MICK
That was the bren gun!
94 . ~ 95
DOG
If you use that again, you're a dead man, do you understand?
He speaks softly but he is quite shaken. He then raises his voice; he

has had enough of all this mincing.
Right fellas!
He shouts to the Sloanes while dragging the semi-conscious body of J up

to use as a shield.
Before I go any further I am going to shoot your mate's toes off!
No sooner said than done; his toes go. The smoke problem repeats itself
and J faints again, but an unfazed Dog continues.
Now if you want us to be gone in two minutes, open the fucking gate,
now!
CHARLES
He'll probably kill us if we do.
WINSTON
Well, J will certainly get it if we don't; he's serious. Look what he
did to his toes.
DOG
(off)
Right, his leg's going now.
WINSTON
All right, all fucking right, I am coming.
(Turning and whispering)
Willie, he doesn't know you are here, just sort something out, OK.
Willie slinks off with a `like what?' look on his face.
DOG
And all your friends, there's a good lad.
WINSTON
There is only three of us here.
DOG
Do you want me to take his leg off? Where's the fourth?
WINSTON
I mean it, there is only three of us here.
DOG
Plank?
PLANK
(gurgle, gurgle)
Yeah, one of them's out.
DOG
OK, open the gate.
No sooner said than done. Dog hits one straight on Winston's forehead
with the butt of his gun and drags him to the stairs. 97
INT. SLOANES' SITTING ROOM - DAY DOG
Up boy, up, up.
They reach the top of the stairs.
Tie 'em up John and, Plank, you come with me. Where's the money?
PLANK
There, in those shoe boxes.
Dog opens them. There is nothing in them. If looks could kill Plank
would be pushing up daisies.
DOG
(gun to the head of Winston)
Where?
WINSTON
Out the back.
DOG
And the weed?
WINSTON
Out the back.
MICK
Point.
WINSTON
With what?
MICK
Your hands, now!
WINSTON
I can't, I am tied up.
98
MICK
Well, well, shake your head or something.
DOG
All right Plank, get Paul out of the van.
This is done on a walky talky.
INT. SLOANES' BACK ROOM - DAY
The door opens. Willie is waiting behind it armed with a machete. He

turns to his opponent and, eyes shut for Dutch courage, hacks straight
into Mick's arm. Mick's machine gun goes off and William loses a finger
as he tries to push the barrel to the side. He starts screaming
uncontrollably
DOG
(to Plank)
Give us your knife.
Dog is going to put an end to this screaming and is making his way to
its source. William is silenced through fear of the approaching Dog and
slumps on the floor in a silenced wreck, holding a bleeding hand.
(the point of the blade resting on William's throat)

Enough! Mick, how you doing?
MICK
How do you think I am doing? He has fucking nearly chopped my arm off.
Dog's attention is diverted as he sees a table full of cash, neatly

packed and stacked.
PAUL (in doorway visibly shocked

Gordon Bennett! What's been going on in here?
DOG
Shut up, you idiot. You got the bags? Can you get it in?
PAUL
There's a lot here, all right. I don't think we will be able to get
this all in the van.
DOG
Bollocks, you'll get it in even if you have to do two trips.
EXT. SLOANES' HOUSE - DAY
A traffic warden appears as Paul goes outside to load up.
TRAFFIC WARDEN
You got a ticket already and, if you don't move it now, sir, we will
move it for you.
PAUL
I'll only be a minute.
TRAFFIC WARDEN
You've already been fifteen.
Paul, realising that persuasion is futile, decides other means are

necessary to despatch this nuisance. He looks down both sides of the
street: the coast is clear.
PAUL
Look. Go on, look.
TRAFFIC WARDEN
At what, exactly?
PAUL
My van is half full.
TRAFFIC WARDEN
So?
PAUL
So I've just got to put you in, and I am off.
Having made their way to the rear of the van, Paul opens the back
doors. Paul smacks the traffic warden on the side of the head. The
momentum carries the warden into the van, unconscious. Paul has another
quick look round and Lifts the warden's legs up and pushes him deeper
into the vehicle.
PLANK
My neck, Dog.
(Dog shows no sign of pity)
That's the last bag?
DOG
(Turning to Mick.)
How about you? All right?
MICK
I'll be fine when; have dealt with this little shit. Mick grabs the
machete that was used to disable him and puts down the machine gun.
DOG
Do it quietly.
Gloria, who has been forgotten by the Sloanes and unnoticed by Dog and
troop, has sat through the whole episode without apparently realising
the gravity of the situation. She is kick-started into action by the
sure demise of Willie. The machine gun has been placed not too far away
from her. She picks it up, and fires it into the already wounded body
of Mick, who is almost instantaneously transformed into dog meat.
Gloria, who has found a gear that nobody probably not even herself,
knew existed, destroys everything she points at. Bodies jump for cover
and Winston and the rest close their eyes and hope for the best.
Eventually the gun, which seems to have a limitless supply of lead,
goes quiet. We cut to close-ups of everybody opening their eyes
cautiously. Looks of relief come from everyone, not least the Sloanes.
Dog, who is closest, stands, walks straight up to her and punches her
on the jaw Gloria is knocked out.
What was that? Where did she come from? That's fucking it. Tie her up.
We are getting out of here.
EXT. DOG'S HOUSE - DAY
BACON
Eh, bunk us up over the wall.
BACON forces one of the windows open. He looks pleased and beckons the
others over. They keep in contact with Soap by cellular phones.
EDDY
Everything all right out there, Tom?
TOM
(on phone)
Right as rain.
EDDY
Where the hell are we supposed to hide?
Ed looks into an almost empty room in which they are to find cover. He
shrugs, and goes to sort himself out a cup of tea.
SOAP
What are you doing, Ed?
EDDY
Do you want one?
SOAP
No I fucking don't! You can't make a cup of tea, Edward.
EDDY
Why not? The whole of the British Empire was built on cups of tea.
SOAP
And look what happened to that.
EDDY
If you think I am going to war without one, you're mistaken, mate.
INT. DOG'S VAN - DAY
Dog turns to admire a full van.
TRAFFIC WARDEN
You won't get away with it.
Dog turns around and sees the tragic warden.
DOG
Paul, what's that?
PAUL
That's a traffic warden.
DOG
(looking straight at Paul)
What's he doing in the van?
Dog and the others look at the tragic warden mercilessly
PAUL
He was about to call the cozzers.
Paul hits him again, sending him back into unconsciousness.
DOG
We will deal with him later.
EXT. DOG'S HOUSE - DAY Tom is on the mobile phone.
TOM
They're here.
Dog opens his door, enters the front room, dumps his two bags down and
is met by a bleeding Plank (who is grunted at) and John, who is rubbing
his chest. Dog sighs and turns to get more bags. The action starts.
It's hard to tell who is who because of the balaclavas. The lads jump
out of their positions.
BACON
Down, down, get fucking down now'
This is like d閖� vu. There is no response as the three of them seem
not to believe what's going on. BACON hits Dog with the butt of his
gun, establishing who's boss. Dog does down with a thud. Plank hits the
floor immediately.
EXT. DOG'S HOUSE - DAY
Paul enters, sees trouble, drops his bags and prepares to run. He is
met by Tom who greets him with a smash round the kneecaps with a lead
pipe. This has more than the desired effect and Paul has to be dragged
in screaming by Tom. It all went rather smoothly
EDDY
Tie 'em up, tape 'em up, face and mouth. Keys, I want the keys.
DOG
I'll find you.
BACON
Of course you will, sweetheart. This one, search this one. Ed finds the
keys without any trouble.
EDDY
I'll meet you in the van when you have finished with handsome there.
INT. DOG'S VAN - DAY
There is silence. For a few seconds all we can hear is the noise of
their breathing.
107
TOM
Well Jesus, that wasn't so bad, was it?
SOAP
When the bottle in my arse has contracted I'll let you know.
EDDY
Bacon, see what we got.
BACON
Let's have a butcher's. Jesus, there's lots of everything. We've got
god knows how much of this stinking weed; we've got a shit load of
cash; and we've got a . . . traffic warden.
TOM
A what?
BACON
A traffic warden. Look, what's this?
He holds up the hat.
TOM
Shit Ed, we've got a traffic warden.
Pause.
BACON
I think he's still alive. He's got claret coming out of him somewhere.
What did they want with a traffic warden?
EDDY
I dunno, but I don't think we need him. Dump him at the lights.
HATCHET
It's about time you give my young friends a visit, Chris. Tomorrow is
the day and mum seems to be the word, and I can't have that now, can I,
Chris?
BIG CHRIS
No Harry, you can't.
Dog struggles free and unravels the tape from his head and gets the
other three out.
DOG
Dead. Dead. I don't know who they think they could be, for me not to
find 'em. Of course I'll find 'em. I don't give a flying fucking fish
who they think they are. I'll kill - fur and feathers, burning wheel
South African style, kebab 'em, peel 'em, slice 'em and dice ' em, hang
draw and fucking quarter ' em.
INT. OTHER VAN - NIGHT

Two vans are parked back to back. We see Ed and the boys putting one
last trunk into the back of the new van.
EDDY
That's it all done, we are off.
SOAP
You think it's a good idea taking it back to yours?
EDDY
There is nowhere else to keep it, and it's the last place they are
going to look. Anyway the battle's over and the war is won.
Ed passes a handful of grass to Tom.
Tom, take this to Nick, and let's get rid of it, quick.
INT. RORY BREAKER'S OFFICE - NIGHT
Nick has given the weed to Rory for inspection. Lenny has stepped in.
LENNY
It is skunk . . . and it's as good as it gets.
RORY
OK, I'll take it off you; half price.
NICK
I don't think he'll like that. You said three-five a key, that's what
he wants and you know that's a good price.
RORY BREAKER
It was yesterday I said three and a half grand and today is today, if I
am not mistaken.
Turns back to the TV.
I'll take it tomorrow for half price. If he wants to move it quick

he'll take it. Now, I've got another game coming up in a minute so if
you would be kind enough.
Pointing at the door. Nick exits.
Lenny, take this to Snow White and the three little chemists; they
should have a gander at this. I want a proper opinion. 110
EXT. SLOANES' HOUSE - NIGHT
Lenny and Nathan, Rory's minders, pull up outside the Sloanes' house to
have the weed analysed. For the first time it is revealed that Rory
Breaker owns the Sloanes.
LENNY
Hold on!
NATHAN
What?
LENNY
something's not quite right here. Go in slowly, Nathan.
NATHAN
Fuck you funny man, you go first.
INT. SLOANES' SITTING ROOM - NIGHT
NATHAN
Shit!
Winston is tied up and squirming.
WINSTON
For Christ's sake, get us out.

EDDY
Well, not a bad day's work. That takes care of Harry.
Pushing a massive pile of notes to one side.
SOAP
What's left over?'
TOM
Hold on, give us half a chance to count it.
SOAP
What about all the gear?
BACON
'Ere, have a pull of this.
Passes Ed the joint.
EDDY
I don't want that horrible shit. Give it to Soap. Can we just lock up
and get drunk now, please?
INT. RORY BREAKER'S OFFICE - NIGHT
We see Winston, Nathan and the torso of Lenny, standing in front of

Rory Like naughty schoolchildren.
WINSTON
We had the gates up but they stuck a shotgun through. Poor bloody J got
shot; it was a right mess.
The gravity and reality dawns on Rory.
RORY
It will cost you more than your life's worth if you jest with me.
LENNY
Some girl took one of 'em out, but he's a bit of a mess.
WINSTON
(proudly j
We shot one of them in the throat.
112
RORY
What do you want, a fucking medal? I'll shoot you in the fucking throat
if I don't get the gear back.
He pauses, rubs his forehead and continues, slightly calmer. You shot
the one that's in there now?
WINSTON
No, another one.
RORY
This is more like it. So where's he?
WINSTON
They took him with them; he was still alive.
RORY
Well, what did you shoot him with, an air gun?
There is an embarrassed pause and a look of `how did you know?' Rory
doesn't need an answer and slaps his forehead.
WINSTON
We grow weed, we're not mercenaries.
RORY
You don't say.
There is a pause while Rory searches for the right words. The silence
is deafening.
LENNY
(stupidly)
Who could it be? Where do we start, Rory?
Rory looks up amazed.
RORY
Mr Breaker! Today my name is Mr Breaker. You think_this is a
coincidence? Not many, Benny! This white shite steals my goods and then
thinks it is a good idea to sell it back to me. They got less brains
than you, Lenny . . . Get Nick cum-bubble round here now if he is
stupid enough to still be on this planet.
INT. DOG'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Dog has all his boys round.
DOG
I want you to search the house for bugs. I mean I want you to strip it.
JOHN
What is the point in that? Even if it was a bug they would have taken
it with 'em.
DOG
It is too late for you to start thinking John. It is a possibility and
that is good enough for me. And after you strip the house, I want you
to get every thieving slag this side of Ceylon and torture them, badly.
I want to know who is responsible, otherwise I will hold you
responsible.
All kinds of characters have made an appearance. A game of cards is in

motion, the forfeit now being alcohol. Barfly Jack the barman is
sitting at the table. They are already on the road to being comfortably
comatose.
TOM
Rory Breaker?
114
BARFLY JACK
Yeah, I know Rory.
This next section is subtitled. This is to keep everyone, even those

familiar with cockney rhyming slang up to speed with the narration, of
which even Tom is unsure. As with the police scene earlier this is a
voice-over and we cut to the relevant scenes.
BARFLYJACK
(voice-over)
Rory's got few interests in life; darky music, football, bees and honey
and kicking the shit out of anyone that interferes with that shortlist.
A few nights ago Rory's Roger iron rusted, so he has gone to the
battle-cruiser to watch the end of a football game. Nobody is watching
the custard so he has turned the channel over. A fat man's north opens
and he wanders up and turns the Liza over. `Now fuck off and watch it
somewhere else.' Rory knows claret is imminent, but he doesn't want to
miss the end of the game; so, calm as a coma, he stands and picks up a
fire extinguisher and he walks straight past the jam rolls who are
ready for action, then he plonks it outside the entrance. He then
orders an Aristotle of the most ping pong oddly in the nuclear sub and
switches back to his footer. `That's fucking it,' says the man. Rory
gobs out a mouthful of booze covering fatty; he flicks a flaming match
into his bird's nest and the man lit up like a leaking gas pipe. Rory,
unfazed, turned back to watch his game. The flaming man and his chinos
ran outside to extinguish the flames, and Rory cheered on. His team won
too, four-nil.
EXT.JD'S BAR - NIGHT
After a while Ed sees Daisy making a sneaky sharp exit and tries to
pursue her, running out on to the street. Daisy is nowhere to be seen.
115
INT. RORY BREAKER'S OFFICE - DAY
Nick is blissfully ignorant of the situation. He is sitting in front of

Rory.
RORY
Your one saving grace might be your stupidity.
NICK
(looking quite petrified)
Er.
RORY
Don't fucking er me, Greek boy! How is it that your so-fucking-stupid,
soon-to-be-dead friends thought they might be able to steal my gear?
And then sell it back to me? Is this a declaration of war? Is this some
sort of white cunts' joke that black cunts don't get? 'Cos I am not
fucking laughing, Nik-ol-as.
NICK
Er.
RORY
There are four interests I have, Nick. Football, music, money, and the
annihilation of anybody who interferes with that shortlist . . . I know
you couldn't have known my position because you're not so fucking
stupid that if you did know, you would turn up here scratching your
arse, with that `what's going on here' look slapped on your Chevy
Chase. But what you do know is where these people live.
We look at the white faced Nick. He doesn't open his mouth. The penny
has dropped.
If you hold anything back, I'll kill you. If you bend the truth, or if
I think you're bending the truth, I'll kill you. If you forget
anything, I'll kill you. In fact, you're going to have to work very
hard to stay alive, Nick. I hope you understand everything
I have said. Because if you don't, I'll kill you. Now, Mr Bubble and
Squeak. You may now enlighten me.
INT. DOG'S HOUSE - MORNING
Paul, John, and Plank are lined up like naughty schoolchildren in front
of Dog, who is black-eyed and pissed off:
DOG
So we have a bit of a problem, don't we?
JOHN
Er well, yes we do.
DOG
In fact it is a little more than a bit of a problem, isn't it? You
could say that in the scale of these things this is the Mount fucking
Everest of problems, couldn't you? . . . And the reason it is such a
mon fucking-strosity of a problem is because you don't have the first
fucking idea who did this to us, do you?
PLANK
Dog, we have been up all night. It's no one round here! We have had
them all against the wall.
JOHN
If it was a toe rag from the area we would know.
Dog starts slapping his troops round their heads.

DOG
You wouldn't know if it was the next-door fucking neighbours, you
prick! You find 'em, you hear? And find 'em quick! Now get out and
start looking! Out! Out!
Dog Loses his temper and throws Plank across the room. Plank's head
breaks effortlessIy through the wall.
INT. ED AND BACON'S CUPBOARD - MORNING
A dust-covered Plank blinks in confusion as he looks on to a heap of

recording equipment.
INT. JD'S BAR - DAY
Recovering from the night before.
BACON
Scarface, I have watched Scarface. You want to know how to do a drug
deal, you watch Scarface!
EDDY
That inspires confidence, that does.
TOM
This guy Rory Breaker can afford to do the deal at the price we are
selling. It's not worth him giving us trouble; he knows we would be a
pain in the arse, and who wants a pain in the arse?
SOAP
I would take a pain in the arse for half a million.
TOM
You would take a pain 韓 the arse full stop.
SOAP
Tom, the fatter you get, the sadder you get.
EDDY
Jesus, would you two stop flirting for one minute . . . After we pay
Hatchet, this deal puts us up near enough two hundred grand each. Not
bad for a day's work, I think you will agree.
118
INT. SPLTT SCREEN. NICK'S HOUSE - DAY
A seventies-style split screen. A very shaky Nick answers his cartoon

telephone.
NICK
Yeah?
INT. DEAN'S HOUSE - DAY
DEAN
That's no way to answer the phone.
NICK
Is that you, Dean?
DEAN
Sure is.
NICK
What can I do for you?
DEAN
You know those shotguns I sold ya, well I need 'em back.
NICK
Not likely I am afraid; I don't think I'll be seeing them again.
DEAN
I got the money to pay for 'em.
NICK
I am sure you do, but I don't think you understand; I am not going to
see them or the guns again.
Gary looks at Dean.
119
DEAN
If we can't get 'em, we can't get 'em.
INT. SPLIT SCREEN. HATCHET HARRY'S OFFICE - DAY. Barry is on his

mobile, moments later.
BARRY
You fucking well have to get 'em!
INT. DEAN'S - DAY
DEAN
We made a deal for everything inside the cabinet.
BARRY
Inside, out-fuckin'-side. I don't give a shit, you get those guns
because if you don't . . .
DEAN
Yeah, Bazza, what?
BARRY
You heard of Harry Lonsdale? Otherwise known as Back-you-up with-a-
Hatchet Harry, infamous for his removal of digits?
Dean pauses for a while, a look of concern coming over his face.
Well this is `James Bond need to know' time. They're his! When you
dance with the devil you wait for the song to stop, know what I mean?
Hatchet has had enough. He grabs the phone from Barry's hand, waving
the infamous fifteen-inch big black cock in the other hand. Hatchet
goes on to put the shits up the Scousers.
HATCHET
Do you know who I am? I am split in two; there is me, and there is my
patience, and patience has gone to the hospital; you are not far
behind, know what I mean? I mean, find ' em, torture 'em, kill 'em, and
bring back what belongs to me, because if you don't . . . you are . . .
bang . . . in trouble.
Hatchet slams the phone down. Dean looks at Gary in horror.
GARY
Who was that?
DEAN
That was Hatchet Horrible Harry.
GARY
Jesus, I have heard about him.
DEAN
We're in the spite. They were his fucking guns that we sold; we gotta
find 'em.
Dean dials Nick immediately.
No fucking about, Nick; where can I find those guns?
Dog and boys have made a Large hole in the connecting cupboard wall
which they have crawled through. Dog is holding a large bag which he
has found.
JOHN
Dog, I have found the cash!
DOG
The stupid bastards! Count it!
JOHN
Shit, Dog, there's a lot. Don't you want to do this next door?
DOG
We're not going next door until we've flayed these dead men walking.
Count it out the back. I don't want them seeing you fingering that
money as soon as they walk in.
JOHN
But...
(interrupts)
Give it us here, you dozy sod. You hide and get the guns ready. Wait
until they are well in, then give it to 'em.
INT RORY BREAKER'S OFFICE - DAY
Rory Breaker is amassing his troops and preparing to go round to Ed's.
RORY BREAKER
We are going to do a proper decoration job. I want the grey skies of
London illuminated; I want that house painted red. Winston here is
coming along, see if he can recognize any of 'em, then we bring what's
mine back here. Watch out for these fellas; they've got a bit of
arsenal and they don't mind using it. Now you know what you're doing,
yes?
EXT. ED AND BACON'S HOUSE - DAY
Big Chris and Little Chris are waiting outside. Dog's gang are waiting
for Ed's gang inside. Rory's gang are going to Ed's.
122
INT. RORY BREAKER'S VAN - DAY
Six heavy-looking black guys are loading their weapons.
Dog's gang are also loading their weapons and concealing themselves
among the furniture. Dog is counting out the money in the side room and
has the two antique hammer-lock shotguns resting on the table in front
of him, which were found with the rest of the bounty.
Rory's boys stop the van outside Ed's and back up to Ed's front door.
The rear van door is opened when it is completely flush and Lenny (with
gun) prepares to do his worst.
There is a loud bang and the front door disappears. In its place is a
large black man pointing an even larger machine gun. Nobody seems to be
at home; it appears to be quite an anti-climax. A long pause follows as
both gangs don't quite know what to do. Rory's guys jump over the
machine gun to explore further.
PLANK
(under his breath)
What the fuck is going on here?
Dog's lot are confused as to why these guys appear to have broken into
their own home, carrying weapons of mass-destruction and looking to use
them. We cut to a close-up of Plank's pov under the sofa. He can see
numerous pairs of boots and they are multiplying. At last Plank can't
take any more; his finger's shaking too much on the trigger. BANG.'
We see the windows shattering from the outside as bullets hail through.
INT. ED AND BACON'S BACK ROOM - DAY
Dog, who was counting the spoils in the adjoining room, is more than
aware of the seriousness of the situation. He quickly closes his
suitcase of money and grabs the two old guns, opens the adjoining door,
gets splattered in blood and smoke and quickly closes it. He then
checks his escape route out of the front window and exits. Dog looks
quite pleased with himself as he still has the money and his life, and
is holding the infamous guns in each hand like a Mexican bandit.
Big Chris, watching the house, intrigued and interested by all the
activity, has made his way closer, and low and behold: looks what walks
straight into him.
BIG CHRIS
Got something here for me, have ya?
(Dog is stunned by this)
Come on, chop chop.
Before Dog has a chance to use the shotguns Chris grabs one in each
hand and knocks Dog down with a swift headbutt. Dog moans, not knowing
what day of the week it is. Chris opens the case, sees it's full of
money, takes the two shotguns, then leaves. Thank you very much.
On reaching the car he gives the case to his son, putting the guns on
the back seat.
Count that son, and put your seatbelt on.
INT. SCOUSERS' CAR - DAY
DEAN
Follow that car, Gary; he's got the fucking guns.
Ed's place has been shot to pieces. Only Rory and Winston (in shock)
seem to be left. Rory is throwing the bags of weed into the back of his
van, then he kicks over one of the bodies. It's a blood-covered Plank.
RORY BREAKER
This is one of them.
Winston nods in confirmation.
Lucky, that.
Bang' Bang! Plank (to Rory's surprise) still had a loaded gun. Rory and
Plank despatch each other simultaneously.
INT. ED'S CAR (MOVING) - DAY
Tom, Bacon, Ed and Soap look hung-over Ed is driving. 126
TOM
There's six black cocks sitting on the side of the road. How many beaks
have they got between them?
SOAP
Six.
TOM
How many wings have they got between them?
SOAP
Twelve.
TOM
How many feet?
SOAP
Er, well, twelve.
TOM
That's right. So how many whiskers has the little white kitten got?
SOAP
How the fuck should I know?
TOM
How come you know so much about black cocks and so little about white
pussy?]
The end of this joke is interrupted by a van swerving past them,

dangerously close. The lads lodge a complaint and then they stop
outside Ed and Bacon's so that they can pick up the money.
127
BACON
What has been going on here?
They look into a smoking, blood-covered house.
SOAP
The money, the gear!
TOM
That's fucked it. What do we do now? No money, no weed; it's all been
swapped for a pile of corpses.
SOAP
OK, don't panic; let's think about this.
EDDY
Bollocks! You can think about it for as long as you like. I am
panicking and I am off mate.
INT. HATCHET HARRY'S OFFICE CORRIDOR - DAY
Big Chris is about to walk in to Hatchet's office. The door opens and
out walks John O'Driscoll with a serious sunburn.
BIG CHRIS
Hello, John. Nice holiday?
JOHN O'DRISCOLL
I won't be seeing you again Chris; I have paid him every last penny.
BIG CHRIS
I am sure you have, no one was accusing you of being dishonest, John.
128
HATCHET
(off)
That you, Chris?
HATCHET
How did you get your hands on these?
He drops a vagina-shaped penis massager, realising that these are the

guns he has been after. He then tries desperately to conceal his
excitement.
BIG CHRIS
The boys had 'em. I know you like these things; wondered if you wanted
them?
HATCHET
Er, yeah, sure, I'll have 'em.
BARRY
Was it any trouble getting the money?
BIG CHRIS
Well, not especially, but they seem to of upset a few characters.
HATCHET
Have you counted the money?
BIG CHRIS
Yeah, it's all there, to the pound.
HATCHET
They were going to pay, then?
BIG CHRIS
It looks like 韙, but who knows? The opportunity was there. In my
experience it is best to take the opportunity if it is there.
HATCHET
Good job, Chris.
Chris exits, pushing his wages into his inside packet. Harry is
ecstatic about the guns and starts chuckling to himself.
EXT. HATCHET HARRY'S OFFICE - DAY
The Scousers watch Big Chris walk out of Hatchet's empty-handed
DEAN
We gotta get those guns.
GARY
This is dangerous shit, Dean; we don't even know who lives in there.
DEAN
Listen, I don't care who lives in there; all as I know it's got to be
preferable to death by Hatchet.
GARY
Furry muff, let's go.
EXT. ED'S CAR (STATIC) - DAY
SOAP
I hope this is the right move.
EDDY
It's either that, my old boy's place, and we lose a digit daily. I am
going to call him.
BACON
As if he'll care.
130
EDDY
He'll care all right. That was going to be his money. Whether he cares
about us is different. Pass your phone.
BACON
Think about what you're going to say, Ed; we are on thin ice.
INT. HATCHET HARRY'S STAIRCASE - DAY
The two Scousers with guns in hand creep their way up the stairs.
There's only one door in front of them. Dean gets ready to kick it
open. Gary leans against the wall and delivers a Professionals-style
kick.

Harry is in his offtce playing with his guns. The phone rings.
HATCHET
That you, boy?
EDDY
(on phone)
It's Ed, if that's what you mean.
HATCHET
It's pay day, ain't it?
EDDY
(on phone)
I wanted to talk to you about that.
HATCHET
I bet you did. I have got half a million nicker sitting in front of me,
which means that some poor sod doesn't. You must have upset a few
people, boy . . . but that isn't really my concern, is it? But what
does concern me is the guns you had. I want to talk to you about that.
Get your arse over here now, and I do mean now!
INT. ED'S CAR - DAY
Ed puts the phone down after a pause. His state of shock is obvious to
the rest of the lads.
BACON
Well?
EDDY
Well what?
TOM
(impatiently)
Well, what did he say?
EDDY
He said he thinks we have paid him, and he wants to talk about those
guns . . . now.
SOAP
You what? What are you on about?
EDDY
Listen, if he has the guns he might have the money . . . I think we
should go and see him.
BACON
I think you're a sandwich short of a picnic, mate; you want to start
making sense.
133
We cut to a time Lapse. Hatchet puts down the phone while resting his
bum on the front of his desk. He is ecstatic with the guns. He loads
and plays with them, aiming at imaginary moving birds.
The door is suddenly kicked wide open and, lo and behold, there is a
Scouser standing in the door. Dean has a thousand ugly thoughts flying
through his troubled mind, most of which are based an regretting the
decision to kick this door in: `shit, what the hell is that, and why is
he holding a shotgun'. Hatchet realizes that the man standing in the
doorway (who is posed like De Niro in the poster of Taxi Driver,
holding a gun in each hand) has nor come to deliver the mail. The pair
are blissfully unaware that employee has met employer. Hatchet Harry
has effectively contracted his own demise. The pause is eventually
shattered by reality There is a rush to pull their individual triggers.
There is a race between the two bullets to reach their prospective
targets. Both barrels are emptied into Dean's chest. The Scourer is
airborne by the sheer power of the cartridges. One of Dean's
bullets,finds its way into Harry's shoulder. Gary can do nothing to
stop this atrocity. He watches helplessly as his pal flies clean past
him.
Overtaken by emotion or fear, Gary charges in, gun blazing, and

proceeds to perforate Hatchet who is now unarmed. Hatchet flies over
his desk. Gary comes into the room to finish the job and fires one last
bullet into Hatchet, who is lying on the chair side of his desk. It is
then revealed that Barry is sitting in his chair behind the door. The
Scourer can't see Barry and Barry can't see Gary's face. Barry throws
the hatchet that is sitting next to him in a butcher's block. It hits
Gary in the back. Gary spins round firing wildly and lodges a bullet in
Barry's stomach. It is then clear to them both that this has all been a
terrible mistake.
BARRY/GARY
What are you doing here?
Then both collapse into dead lumps on the floor.
EXT. HATCHET HARRY'S OFFICE ED'S CAR - DAY
EDDY
You and me, Tom.
TOM
What do you mean, me?
They stand outside Hatchet's door and are just about to ring it when
Tom notices it's open.
INT. HATCHET HARRY'S OFFICE - DAY EDDY
Oh Jesus, not again.
The two pause while they build their confidence. They enter Hatchet
Harry's room. It's still smoky. There on the table is the money.
TOM
That's it, I am off.
Ed tiptoes over to the bag containing the money.
EDDY
Tom, this is our case.
TOM
. . . What?
EDDY
This is our money, Tom! . . . Now I think we should go.
Tom sees his guns. His eyes widen in surprise.
TOM
I'll meet you in the car. I am taking these guns.
136
EDDY
Tom, don't mess around, let's go.
TOM
I'11 meet you in the car.
EDDY
Tom?
TOM
I'll only be a minute.
EXT. HATCHET HARRY'S OFFICE/CHRIS'S CAR - DAY
BIG CHRIS
A job well done son; we made a few quid out of that one.
As he puts the key in the ignition, there is no reply from his little
boy
BIG CHRIS
Son?
DOG
Made a few quid, did ya? Now where is it?
We can't see Dog but we can see the sharp side of a knife resting along
the front of Little Chris's throat. The Dog is Lying down in the back.
Big Chris assesses the situation.
BIG CHRIS
You all right back there, mate?
DOG
Very fucking funny. Where's what I want?
BIG CHRIS
It's in an office; I have just left it in the office. 137
DOG
Well, you had better go and get it from the office. That's if you want
to see your son reach his next birthday. Now chop-fuckin'-chop.
BIG CHRIS
All right, furry muff.
Big Chris doesn't seem too bothered by this problem. He shrugs and
starts the car.
DOG
What are you doing?
BIG CHRIS
Well, it's a five minute walk or a thirty second drive.
DOG
You had better be careful.
Big Chris starts his car up, looks across to make sure that Little
Chris has got his seatbelt on and pulls out on to the road. He gets
faster and faster until Dog pokes him in the shoulder with his knife.
Chris pulls hard to the left and rams into the nearest parked vehicle.
BANG' Dog goes flying forward, hitting the windscreen.
INT. ED'S CAR (STATIC) OUTSIDE HATCHET HARRY'S OFFICE - DAY
Another time lapse.
SOAP
Well, what's going on?
EDDY
I don't know, but what I do know is that there's no more Harry, which
means there's no more debt, and if there's no more debt there's no more
problem, and there's no more problem with our neighbours because they
are all dead. I think, if I get this right, we haven't done anything
wrong anyway, which means we are in the clear.
Bang! Big Chris's car hits them straight in the rear. The bag of cash
goes flying through the car, landing on the dash. The lads are knocked
unconscious.
INT. CHRIS'S CAR (NOW STATIC) - DAY
Big Chris, having removed the knife from a stunned Dog, proceeds to
smash his head against the dash and has the most amount of fun in doing
so.
BIG CHRIS
Never, never, not as long as I can remember has anybody been as rude to
me as you have.
Dog is being thrown around like a rag doll.
INT. SIDE ROOM TO INTERROGATION ROOM - PRESENT, OPENING SCENE
We are looking through a two-way mirror.
SERG
Don't think I wouldn't like to get rid of you; but before I do, I need
to know what's going on, Edward.
EDDY
If you think you're in the dark, I am in a black hole, blindfolded.
The camera spins round to see the traffic warden standing with a
policeman. There is a long pause far consideration. Eventually he
shakes his head.
TRAFFIC WARDEN
No, that's not one of them.
The policeman then knocks on the door.
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY
The SERG looks round to see the policeman. They exit and Ed is left on
his own. After a short pause the door bursts open.
SERG
All right son, you're outta here! And you want to stay outta here.
FADE IN TO BLACK.
FADE IN.
All the lads are sitting in the bar. Ed is talking to Tom who is
interested in whatever he has to say.
EDDY
The traffic warden went to the morgue and recognized Dog and his lot so
that put us sort of in the clear. They got no case against us because
there is no evidence against us.
BACON
Apart from those shotguns.
EDDY
And Tom took care of them.
Pause while Tom looks embarrassed about something.
SOAP
You did take care of the guns, didn't you, Tom?
Ed looks at Tom, who looks even more embarrassed.
TOM
I wanted to talk to you about that.
BACON
Well, talk.
TOM
Well not exactly, no; I got 'em sitting in the car, actually; I thought
we might sell them back to the Greek, but I am having a bit of a
problem getting hold of him.
BACON
You dippy bastard.
EDDY
The only item that connects us with the crime is sitting in your car
which is sitting outside?
TOM
We paid seven hundred quid for those guns. They could hardly trace them
to you, could they?
SOAP
I don't think we will take the risk for seven hundred quid.
EDDY
Tom, go and throw those guns off a bridge.
BACON
And, throw yourself off while you're at it. SOAP
Now, Tom! There is a pause.
ALTOGETHER
Now, Tom!
Tom leaves, looking a little sulky.
EDDY
The silly sod.
Big Chris walks in. He approaches the bar.
BIG CHRIS
JD.
JD
Chris.
(Pause)
You come to collect something, Chris? Should I have something for you?
BIG CHRIS
Nope.
JD
Can I help?
BIG CHRIS
I think I can help you, as it happens.
JD
Yes?
BIG CHRIS
I have got something for ya. Well, for your boy, actually.
JD
Well, I suggest you speak to him, then.
They all look rather shocked. He is carrying their bag and he places it
on the table, which increases the shock factor.
BIG CHRIS
It seems that Hatchet under-estimated your lot and that seems to have
cost him . . . I am not going to make the same mistake, am I? I have
decided to bring your bag back.
Pause. The words you are looking for start with thank you.
EDDY
Thank you.
BIG CHRIS
Now you have presented me with a problem. I don't have an employer any
more. So I have taken care of myself and my son, and if you think that
is unfair you just come and pay me a little visit; but you better be
waving the white flag high and clear, otherwise it will be the last
little visit you lot ever make . . . That's all I had to say. It's been
emotional.
Big Chris turns to walk out. The lads stare at the bag and then at each
other.
EXT. JD'S BAR - NIGHT
Big Chris walks out into the street. We see a shiny new sports car.
Little Chris is sitting in the passenger seat.
BIG CHRIS
That should take care of that lot. We are now officially in the money-
loaning business, all right, son?
LITTLE CHRIS
All right, Dad.
BIG CHRIS
Well, put your seatbelt on then.
Ed goes forward to open the case. The rest are still in shock. Ed opens
the bag.
EDDY
There's nothing in it!
SOAP
What do you mean?
EDDY
I mean it's fucking empty.
BACON lunges forward and stares in. He sticks his hand in and extracts
an A4 envelope. They look puzzled. Ed feels the package and starts to
tear the top off. As this is done it creates a split screen.
On the other side of the picture, Tom is on a London bridge with the
car boot open. He looks at the guns with regret and give them one last
polish. Then he folds the guns up and places them on top of a handrail.
Simultaneously Ed extracts a Sotherby's brochure on shotguns. They
still look confused. They turn the brochure upside down and recognize
the shotguns. Slowly they start to turn the pages.
Torn pushes the shotguns over the top rail: they fall. He starts
walking but stops for some reason. He retreads his steps and peers
over; the guns had just fallen on to a shelf.
Ed sees the price of the guns: a series of alarming zooms cut between
eyes and prices. They panic and reach for their mobile phones.
Tom is climbing over the bridge now and has to hold on to the rail with
one arm.
Ed starts screaming at the other two that the number is engaged and
asks them to put their phones down.
Tom now had one hand on the guns and one on the rail. His mobile phone
starts to ring in his top pocket; he has either to drop the guns or let
go of the rail to answer the phone.
The shot freezes.
SCANNED BY GEVI
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<html><head></head><body><pre style="word-wrap: break-word; white-space: pre-wrap;">Lock,

Stock &amp; Two Smoking Barrels

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - PRESENT

DISSOLVE TO BLACK. THE FIRST OF THE CREDITS APPEAR ON THE SCREEN.

What have you got?

* Cut from completed film.

DISSOLVE TO BLACK: MORE CREDITS APPEAR ON THE SCREEN.

Ed scoops up a large pile of money.

Odds chaps, you gotta remember the odds.

There 韘 a loud slam of a door. We cut to a wide shot of a policeman

DISSOLVE TO BLACK. THE MUSIC STARTS.

EXT. STREET (FLASHBACK] - DAY

We open on a smart, casually dressed man selling perfume and jewellery

A well-dressed, zealous character (Eddy) appears from behind the crowd

Certainly sir. I'll just wrap.

Changing his attention.

Bacon's expression changes dramatically. A series of crash zooms

We cut to a shot of Ed as he lands. He has made good distance.

EDDY arrives at a grocer's shop. We meet Tom. Tom is talking to Nick

Tom examines his midriff and adopts a confused expression.

INT. GROCER'S SHOP STORE ROOM - DAY

They work their way past a maze of boxes.

INT. RESTAURANT KITCHEN -AFTERNOON

Soap pulls out a bag from under where he is sitting.

RELEASE SLOW MOTION]

Tom looks on with suspicion.

INT. HATCHET HARRY'S OFFICE - DAY

A hard-looking man of about fifty is sat behind a large antique desk.

INT. KITCHEN - DAY.

FREEZE SHOT OF HATCHET

RELEASE FREEZE SHOT OF HATCHET

The phone is slammed down.

Cut from completed film.

RELEASE FREEZE SHOT OF HATCHET

The camera spins round to reveal a massive monster of a man sitting

FREEZE SHOT OF BARRY

RELEASE FREEZE SHOT OF BARRY

A glossy Christie's brochure displaying a pair of impressive antique

Changing the subject.

Holds up one of the spanking paddles.

The paddle is brought down hard on the desk: slap.

INT. TORTURE ROOM - DAY

Meet the Dog. Dog is horrible. He is large and intimidating.

Yes, Gordon, is there something you would like to tell us?

The orange is removed from Gordon's mouth.

Plank returns holding an assortment of drugs and cash. Gordon starts to

EXT. ED AND BACON'S HOUSE - EVENING

INT. ED AND BACON'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Tom is definitely not overweight, quite the opposite in fact. He

BACON beckons Tom to a cupboard built into the wall.

Not exactly thick, these walls.

INT. DOG'S HOUSE - NIGHT

INT. ED AIVD BACON'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Tom raises his eyebrows and frowns to Bacon.

Meet Big Chris and Little Chris (twelve years old).

INT. GYM/SOLARIUM - NIGHT

Little Chris looks under one of the sunbeds.

Little Chris returns from a peek and nods in confirmation.

Big Chris then approaches and raises the sunbed.

Got some bad news for you, John.

Big Chris slams down the sunbed on top of John.

Big Chris repeats the earlier treatment twice more.

A man opens the sunbed mom door.

Stock & Two Smoking Barrels