factor vii: trouble with people

cluster w: self-centered

vii w
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107 Lack of Composure
Forego your anger for a moment
and save yourself a hundred days of trouble.
– Chinese proverb

A Problem
▫ Does not handle pressure and stress well
▫ Gets emotional, subjective, and unpredictable when things don’t go as planned
▫ May become hostile or sarcastic or withdraw from people as stress increases
▫ May make snap or poor decisions under pressure
▫ Performance degrades when things get tough
Not A Problem
▫ Cool under stress and pressure
▫ Can take conflict in stride
▫ Can absorb criticism and sarcasm without losing control

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▫ Stays steady under pressure
▫ Keeps to the issues
▫ Doesn’t fly off the handle when things don’t go as expected
▫ Just tries harder when blocked
▫ Expects surprises
▫ Helps keep others calm in the storm
Some Causes
▫ Defensive
▫ Easily overwhelmed
▫ In a bad set of circumstances you can’t get out of
▫ Lack of self-confidence
▫ Over your head
▫ Overly sensitive
▫ Perfectionist
▫ Too much going on
▫ Very control oriented
▫ Weak impulse control
Other Causes
BEING UNSKILLED AT: 2,11,12,13,16,30,33,34,40,41,43,48,51,58,66
OVERUSING: 11,52,59,66
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Leadership Architect® Factors and Clusters
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This competency is in the Trouble with People Factor (VII) (S1). This competency
is in the Self-Centered Cluster (W) with: 103, 104, 105, 109, 119. You may want
to check other competencies in the same Factor/Cluster for related tips.

The Map
Life is rough water. There are a lot of things that don’t go right and are upsetting.
There’s lots to pay attention to. There are bad people. There are impossible
situations. There are sad, catastrophic events. There is conflict and tension.
There are contests and tests to win and pass. Sometimes you lose and it hurts.
All unfortunately normal. On the other hand, losing one’s cool and getting
unduly upset isn’t conducive to a successful career. Being able to function
normally under stress and pressure is one of the mission-critical requirements
for most managerial jobs. Impulse control and delay of gratification are skills
that can be improved.

Some Remedies
▫ 1. Losing your cool? Deal with emotions. Emotions are electricity and
chemistry. Emotions are designed to help you cope with emergencies and
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threats. Emotions trigger predictable body changes. Heart pumps faster

and with greater pressure. Blood flows faster. Glucose is released into
the bloodstream for increased energy and strength. Eyes dilate to take
in more light. Breathing rate increases to get more oxygen. Why is that?
To either fight or flee from saber-toothed tigers, of course. Emotions are
designed to help us with the so-called fight or flight response. They make
the body faster and stronger temporarily. The price? In order to increase
energy to the muscles, the emotional response decreases resources for
the stomach—that’s why we get upset stomachs under stress, and the
thinking brain—that’s why we say and do dumb things under stress. Even
though we may be able to lift a heavy object off a trapped person, we can’t
think of the right thing to say in a tense meeting. Once the emotional
response is triggered, it has to run its course. If no threat follows the
initial trigger, it lasts from 45-60 seconds in most people. That’s why
your grandmother told you to count to 10. Trouble is, people have saber-
toothed tigers in their heads. In modern times, thoughts can trigger this
emotional response. Events which are certainly not physically threatening,
like being criticized, can trigger the response. Even worse, people today
have added a third “f” to the fight or flight response—freeze. Emotions
can shut you down and leave you speechless, neither choosing to fight—
argue, respond, nor flee—calmly shut down the transaction and exit.
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▫ 2. Do you know what sets you off? Identify your trigger points. Write

•
down on 3” x 5” note cards or Post-it® Notes the last 25 times you lost
your composure. Most people who have composure problems have three
to five repeating triggers. Criticism. Loss of control. A certain kind of
person. An enemy. Being surprised. Spouse. Children. Money. Authority.
Try to group 90% of the events into three to five categories. Once you
have the groupings, ask yourself why these are problems. Is it ego? Losing
face? Being caught short? Being found out? Causing you more work? In
each grouping, what would be a more mature response? Mentally and
physically rehearse a better response. Try to decrease by 10% a month the
number of times you lose your composure.
▫ 3. No filter? Increase your impulse control. People say and do dumb and
inappropriate things when they lose their composure. The problem is that
they say the first thing that occurs to them to say. They do the first thing
that occurs to them to do. Research shows that generally somewhere
between the second and third thing you think of to say or do is the best
option. Practice holding back your first response long enough to think of a
second. When you can do that, wait long enough to think of a third before
you choose. By that time 50% of your composure problems should go

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away.
▫ 4. Need to regain composure? Count to 10. Our thinking and judgment is
not at its best during the emotional response. Create and practice delaying
tactics. Go get a pencil out of your briefcase. Go get a cup of coffee. Ask a
question and listen. Go up to the flip chart and write something. Take notes.
Think of something you like. See yourself in a setting you find calming. Go
to the bathroom. You need about a minute to regain your composure after
the emotional response is triggered. Don’t do or say anything until the
minute has passed. More help? – See #11 Composure.
▫ 5. Impatient? Delay gratification. Are you impatient? Do you get upset
when the plane is delayed? The food is late? The car isn’t ready? Your
spouse is behind schedule? For most of us, life is one big delay. We always
seem to be waiting for someone else to do something so we can do our
something. People with composure problems often can’t accept delay of
what they want and think they deserve and have coming. When what they
want is delayed, they get belligerent and demanding. They get emotional.
Voice gets louder. Criticism of the blocking person or group goes up. Write
down the last 25 delays that set you off. Group them into three to five
categories. Create and rehearse a more mature response. Relax. Reward
yourself with something enjoyable. Adopt a philosophical stance since
there’s little or nothing you can do about it. Think great thoughts while
you’re waiting. More help? – See #41 Patience.