Confidence, Belief and Self-Esteem

SAMUEL MALONE
CONFIDENCE, BELIEF
AND SELF-ESTEEM
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Confidence, Belief and Self-Esteem
1st edition
© 2019 Samuel Malone & bookboon.com
ISBN 978-87-403-2856-1

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CONFIDENCE, BELIEF AND SELF-ESTEEM Contents
CONTENTS
Introduction: confidence, belief and self-esteem 6
1 Confidence and self-belief 8

1.1 What is confidence? 8
1.2 Confidence and charisma 9
1.3 Why confidence matters 11
1.4 Becoming more confident 13
1.5 Where does confidence come from? 18
1.6 Confidence and competence 20
1.7 Self-efficacy 22
1.8 Self-belief 23
1.9 Empowering beliefs 24
1.10 Limiting beliefs 28
1.11 Confidence and mental states 30
1.12 Confidence and locus of control 33
1.13 Comfort zone 35
1.14 Moving outside your comfort zone 37
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CONFIDENCE, BELIEF AND SELF-ESTEEM Contents
2 Optimism and self-esteem 40

2.1 Optimistic traits 40
2.2 Realistic and unrealistic optimism 42
2.3 Optimistic bias 43
2.4 Pessimism 45
2.5 Self-fulfilling prophecy 46
2.6 Self-esteem 51
2.7 Self-knowledge 53
2.8 High and low self-esteem 57
2.9 Success and self-esteem 61
2.10 Women and self-esteem 62
2.11 Self-compassion 65
2.12 Extreme confidence: narcissism 69
2.13 Ten activities to improve confidence & self-esteem skills 72
Acknowledgements 73
About the Author 74
References and Bibliography 75

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CONFIDENCE, BELIEF AND SELF-ESTEEM Introduction: confidence, belief and self-esteem
INTRODUCTION: CONFIDENCE,
BELIEF AND SELF-ESTEEM
Confidence is about being self-assured, feeling comfortable in your own skin and having
the competence, judgement, persistence and resources needed to succeed in whatever you
decide to undertake in life. You need confidence to live a happy, contented, positive and
successful life. Many people give up on their dreams because they lack the confidence
and commitment to tenaciously pursue them irrespective of the circumstances they find
themselves in, and the setbacks they experience on their journey through life. Confidence
is linked to the locus of control and a sense of self-responsibility. Those with an internal
locus of control believe that they are in charge of their lives and can influence the direction
that it takes. Those with an external locus of control believe that outside forces shape and
control their lives and that they can do little to change them.
A lack of confidence is a terrible drawback and handicap in life. People who are extremely
shy find it difficult to exploit new opportunities, socialise, make new friends, speak in
public and make their needs known in the company of more assertive others. Shyness can
be overcome by adopting the appropriate strategies to counteract it. Being aware of and
asserting your rights will make you a more confident person. Confidence can be acquired like
any other skill if you actively practise confidence building skills. Self-belief and confidence
are interlinked as strong self-belief is an essential ingredient of confidence. Empowering
beliefs will enable success while disempowering beliefs will facilitate failure. To be successful
and more confident you must move out of your comfort zone, feel in charge of your life
and continually challenge yourself.
Confidence and optimism are interlinked. Optimists are hopeful and positive about the future
irrespective of the circumstances and obstacles they encounter. They are positive thinkers
seeing opportunities and challenges where others see nothing but problems. Unlike optimists,
pessimists have negative expectations about the future and act accordingly. Self-efficacy is
a necessary ingredient to self-confidence. Self-efficacy is a constituent of self-esteem and is
the belief that we have the skills, resources and competencies to do a particular task and
succeed in what we want and plan to do.
Optimists see the glass as half full rather than half empty. They believe or expect things
to work out well rather than work out badly. Because optimists think optimistic thoughts
their positive expectations become self-fulfilling prophecies and increase their motivation,
determination and effort to achieve. They are more likely to be confident, persist and so
more likely to succeed and overcome setbacks. Pessimists see a negative future and thus see
little point in expending effort to overcome obstacles. They are beaten before they start.
Those with a growth mindset are more likely to be confident and succeed that those with
a fixed mindset.
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CONFIDENCE, BELIEF AND SELF-ESTEEM Introduction: confidence, belief and self-esteem
Self-esteem, self-worth, self-control, self-responsibility and confidence are interlinked. Self-

esteem is the value we place on ourselves. People with high self-esteem have a positive outlook
on life and have more initiative and are happier than others. Self-esteem and self-worth
arise when we feel good about ourselves in different areas of our lives such as intelligence,
social skills, appearance, and physical co-ordination. Self-control and self-responsibility help
us take charge of our lives in a purposeful and successful way.
Being held in high regard by others is a source of great satisfaction while feeling rejected
diminishes our self-belief and self-esteem. Low self-esteem can be caused by negative
feelings about body image or making invidious comparisons with others. On the upside
high self-esteem produces happiness, initiative and resilience. The downside to self-esteem is
dysfunctional behaviour such as snobbery, narcissism, unfaithfulness, bullying and criminality.
Self-comparison may offer similar benefits to self-esteem, but with fewer downsides. We
are all different, with different personalities and different needs. The big five personality
model will help you discover the type of person you are and the type of person you want
to become. Good luck in your endeavours to become a confident and successful person!
Samuel A Malone

May 2019

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CONFIDENCE, BELIEF AND SELF-ESTEEM Confidence and self-belief
1 CONFIDENCE AND SELF-BELIEF
1.1 WHAT IS CONFIDENCE?

The fictional cinematic British character James Bond, secret agent, known by the code name
007, is the epitome of sophistication, panache and confidence. He is portrayed as having
a suave, strong, sophisticated, courageous, charismatic and self-assured persona: the type
of person we would all like to be in a fantasy world. He dresses in the most fashionable
clothes, drives fast cars, drinks vodka martinis, stays in beautiful 5-star hotels, captivates
the hearts of glamorous women, has a sharp wit and repertoire, and rescues the planet from
tyrannical obnoxious scheming monsters.
However, unlike James Bond we live in the real world but nevertheless can learn something
about the art of being confident from his screen portrayal. Just like Bond you are unlikely to
be successful in your chosen profession if you lack the confidence and self-belief to pursue
your aspirations, ambitions, dreams and goals. Many people who begin with enthusiasm
to follow their dreams give up at the first sign of a difficulty or obstacle. Confidence is
about being self-assured and having the presence, competence, judgement, persistence,
determination and resources needed to succeed in whatever you decide to undertake in life.
Confidence comes from within while exuding self-assurance outwardly to others. Confident
people feel comfortable and happy in their own skin. You are unlikely to get along and
inspire others if you are not happy and at peace with yourself. Confident people value and
respect themselves and others and regard themselves equal if not superior to others. They
are not afraid to make mistakes and so do not beat themselves up when they get things
wrong. They realistically know their strengths and weaknesses and are aware that it’s human
to make mistakes. It’s a sign of self-confidence when you can accept your limitations and
weaknesses rather than be sensitive and defensive about them. People who are aware of
and accept their shortcomings can work to improve them and are also more likely to learn
from their mistakes.
Because confidence is infectious, other people feel inspired, happy and comfortable around
confident people. Confident people are considerate and in tune with other people’s feelings
and concerns. They strike a balance between fairness and consideration for others with a
determination to succeed. They are not intimidated by other people and know when to assert
themselves without being aggressive, patronising or domineering. They are able to express
with sensitivity what they think, what they feel and what they want. Confidence is evident
through body language, demeanour and speech. Confident people have immense energy,
drive and infectious enthusiasm. They have a confident posture, speak with assurance, dress

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well and know how to greet people in a mannerly and convivial way. When they enter a
room, they are relaxed, make eye contact, have a friendly smile, a word for everyone and
acknowledge people warmly. On the other hand, people who slouch or avoid eye contact
are seen as dejected and lacking confidence.
However, you cannot feel confident all the time and most people will only feel confidence
about topics that they are competent in. That is why you should be aware of confidence
strategies such as the process of acting as if you are confident even if you feel the opposite.
The more you ‘act as if ’ the more confident you will become. So, smile warmly, greet people
sincerely, make eye contact and develop a relaxed friendly persona.
1.2 CONFIDENCE AND CHARISMA

People with great self-confidence are known as charismatic. Charisma has been defined as a
magnetic personality with the ability to inspire devotion, enthusiasm, interest or affection in
others through personal charm or influence. People with charisma seem to have a powerful
aura which draws people closer to them. Fame doesn’t automatically confer charisma, as
we all know many famous people with zero charisma. Charisma draws people towards you
but character and good example gets people to respect and trust you. Lack of character
and values can get people to ridicule and disown you. Therefore, for real success charisma
must be combined with character and genuineness.
President John F. Kennedy was probably the most charismatic president of the United States
but his character was morally flawed while President Jimmy Carter, a man of exceptional
character ranks among the least charismatic. Similarly, Brian Cowan, the ex-Prime Minister
of Ireland was a man of great character but had no charisma, and was unable to connect
with the people of Ireland on a personal level and this led to his resignation in early 2011.
On the other hand, the late Charles Haughey, a former Prime Minister of Ireland, was a
man of great charisma but little integrity. He was forced to resign in disgrace because of a
financial scandal and perceived dishonesty in the form of accepting bribes.
President Richard Nixon had some charisma and considerable political acumen but lacked
character and like Charles Haughey this proved to be his political downfall. He was linked
to the break-in of the Democratic National Committee headquarters at the Watergate office
complex. He used lies and deceit in an attempt to cover up his involvement. The effects of
the scandal eventually forced him to resign on the 17 June 1972, becoming the first and
only US President to do so. He was impeached for obstruction of justice, abuse of power
and contempt of Congress.

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People with charisma tend to use words that evoke images in the minds of their listeners.
Charismatic leaders are able to articulate a compelling vision that captures the imagination
of their followers. Image based words arouse the visual senses and thereby engage more fully
listeners or readers. The acronym CAME will help you remember the critical skills of charisma:
Comprehension Attention Memory Emotions
Fig. 1.1 CAME model of charisma
Comprehension. If people do not understand what you are saying they cannot do what you
want. People with charisma use clear, concise concrete words because they are easier to process
and understand than long abstract complex words and thus make a better impact. People
appreciate political leaders who use simple precise words that are commonly understand.
Attention. You must grab and hold peoples’ attention if you want them to hear your message
and be totally interested in others. People who dress to impress, with a good appearance
and manner and use vivid speech are more likely to attract and hold attention than those
who are not. They use words that connect with the everyday feelings and experiences of
people. They have strong convictions and are not afraid to use humour when appropriate.
These people are seen as friendly, enthusiastic, dynamic, positive, powerful and influential.
Memory. Charismatic people know how to tell a good compelling story. What they say
is memorable because they want people to remember and act on their message. Concrete
words that evoke images are easier to remember and retrieve than abstract words. Words
expressed in images are stored in more places of the brain and in richer detail than comparable
concept words.

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Emotions. Words must resonate at a deeper emotional level to leave an impact on the
listener and to inspire them to take appropriate action. It is well known that imagery and
emotion are closely connected. Leaders, who pepper their speeches with vivid images, feelings
and anecdotes, evoke stronger emotional responses and a greater chance that followers will
embrace their visions and act.
1.3 WHY CONFIDENCE MATTERS

Confidence leads to a happier, calmer and a more fulfilling existence for you and for the
people you come in contact with. We need to set realistic goals and be confident that we
will succeed in achieving them. In a competitive world it is confident people who influence
and inspire others, win respect, get things done, make an impact on the world and succeed.
Confidence enables you to take calculated risks and participate actively, productively and
fully in society. You will never know what you are capable of doing unless you are confident
enough to take some prudent risks.
A confident person knows what they want, where they are going and can assert their needs
without upsetting others. While meeting their own needs they are also sensitive and help
meet the needs of others. Confident people inspire confidence in others because they appear
more credible and self-assured. They are more likely to be seen as inspirational role models
for others. Children and indeed adults who lack confidence find it difficult to stand up for
themselves and thus often become victims of bullying.
LACK OF CONFIDENCE AND SHYNESS

There is no doubt that a lack of confidence is a terrible handicap in life. Without confidence
we will lack the motivation to use our initiative, take action and pursue our goals. Lack of
confidence manifests itself in many ways such as anxiety, uncertainty and lack of self-belief.
People who lack confidence give off negative vibes which makes others doubt them. They
sound unconvincing and thus tend to be overlooked and ignored. Lack of confidence may
come from our early childhood experiences. If you were not encouraged by your parents
to be independent, forceful and outgoing then you may have difficulty doing so when you
mature. If you were part of a family where favoured brother and sisters were made to feel more
important than you, then this might have generated feelings of inferiority and inadequacy
that continued into adulthood. Parents or teachers who set impossibly high standards may
have convinced you that you will never measure up or achieve anything worthwhile. This
holds back many people from reaching their true potential while for a small minority it
may be a spur to success to prove their parents, teachers and elders wrong.

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People who are extremely shy find it very difficult to voice their own opinions, socialise,
speak in public and assert their needs in the company of others. They find it difficult to
do the normal day to day activities like going shopping, making appointments to see the
doctor or attending meetings. If you find it difficult to make friends you will become isolated
and lonely. Consequently, you will not be able to develop and exercise good interpersonal
relationship skills and so shyness will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Dr. Daniel Amen’s
18/40/60 rule might help you take a more realistic and positive view of the shyness problem.
EIGHTEEN/FORTY/SIXTY RULE
Rule
Fig. 1.2 Dr. Daniel Amen 18/40/60 Rule
Shy people feel embarrassed, self-conscious and awkward in the company of other people and
wrongly think they are always being observed and evaluated by others. In fact, sometimes
their minds go into overdrive with all sorts of imagined scenarios, fears and concerns
about what other people think about them. Dr. Daniel Amen’s 18/40/60 rule is relevant
for shy people because it suggests that young immature people are deeply immersed and
obsessed with their own thoughts – just consider the Facebook and selfie generation who
are narcissistically consumed by their own images which they continually upload onto their
mobile phones and personal computers.
Dr. Amen rightly maintained that when you’re 18 you are so self-conscious that you think
everybody is thinking about you. At 18 the part of the brain dealing with rational thought
called the prefrontal cortex is not fully developed and is still immature. However, when
you reach 40 you don’t care what anybody thinks of you and may adopt the attitude of
accept me as I am flaws and all or leave me alone. Deep down you still need the approval
of others but just don’t fanatically care as much as previously.
When you’re 60 you put things into perspective and realise that nobody has been thinking
about you all along – they are too preoccupied and busy with their own lives, thoughts
and daily challenges; and you conclude rightly that you have been wasting a lot of time
and energy fruitlessly worrying about nothing instead of concentrating on your ambitions,
objectives and dreams. Evolution has ensured that the brain is hard wired to be negative,
and so it is normal for the brain to focus on worries and for gloomy rather than positive
thoughts to dominate. Psychologists call these ANTS or automatic negative thoughts – these
should be realistically disputed and got rid of as quickly as possible.

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We are socialized to please other people such as our family, friends, work colleagues and boss.
We want to preserve and even to enhance the reputation we have built up in the eyes of
others. However, shy people are so self-consciously focused on their own shortcomings that
they fail to realise that most people are just like them with their own thoughts, concerns,
perceptions, obsessions, preoccupations and issues. When you realise that most people just
think about themselves it may help you become less shy and self-conscious and become
more outgoing, confident and assertive. It is advantageous if you do so as insensitive and
ruthless people may take advantage of your shyness and treat you inconsequentially like a
doormat. The good news is that you don’t have to reach 60 to become more self-assured.
You can do so right now by adopting the right perspective with a more realistic attitude
and acquiring the right skills.
The 18/40/60 rule is a practical philosophy that offers us a sound practical perspective
on how to view life and achieve peace of mind, contentment and happiness. The witty
whimsical observation contained therein is intuitively appealing, practical and useful to
keep in the forefront of our minds. The lesson is that everybody is mostly preoccupied
about themselves, which means that worrying about what other people think about you is
a total waste of time.
I know myself that as I matured, I got a more balanced view of the world after having
experienced the happiness, disappointments, setbacks, pain and loss which is part and parcel
of life. You realise that certain things in life are just not that important and worrying about
what other people think about you certainly falls into that category. This will free up your
mind to concentrate on your own goals, dreams and desires rather than wasting time on
what others may or may not be thinking! You need self-belief, self-esteem and confidence
to lead a successful life and the 18/40/60 rule will help you do so.
“You have to believe in yourself when no one else does. That’s what
makes you a winner.
– Venus Williams
1.4 BECOMING MORE CONFIDENT

To overcome shyness, you must take every opportunity to go out, socialise, meet people
and welcome opportunities to speak in public as it is only through interacting with others
that we practise and acquire good social skills. Building confidence is like learning to play
golf. You must be aware of the critical skills and practise them patiently, diligently and
frequently. Even Tiger Woods the world-famous golfer still practises for hours each day
with the guidance of a personal coach.

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Shy people tend to be self-obsessed with how they appear to other people. They consistently
rate themselves as less attractive than others do because they are so self-conscious and
critical of themselves. Replace critical thoughts with more positive ones. Act “as if ” you are
outgoing and full of joy, laughter and confidence. Visualise yourself as warm, interesting,
sensitive, competent and engaging enthusiastically with others, as in the long-run these are
more important characteristics than physical appearance.
To become more outgoing shy people must stop dwelling on their own perceptions,
shortcomings and insecurities and become more aware of and concentrate on the people
around them. They must realise that other people have their own insecurities, inadequacies,
fears and problems. It is only by engaging with them that you will see that they are just like
you with their own feelings, sensitivities and vulnerabilities. It is only by thinking of other
people and seeing things from their perspective that you forget about yourself and become
less self-conscious. Once you become more outwardly focused on the lives of others and
less focussed on your own thoughts, shyness will no longer control and dominate your life.
STRATEGIES FOR OVERCOMING SHYNESS
Socialise
See
Research
Humour
Overcoming
Shyness
Control
Positivity
Emotions
Develop a
Hard Neck
Fig. 1.3 Overcoming shyness

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The following are some useful strategies to overcome shyness and become more confident:
Try to become more outgoing each day. When buying a daily newspaper at the local
newsagents, instead of just putting the money on the counter, focus on the shopkeeper’s
face maintaining eye contact, wish them a nice day and thank them for the service provided.
This creates a favourable mutual environment for a positive social interaction. Also, seek
random opportunities to engage in small talk with people while waiting on the checkout
line in the supermarket. This will do wonders for your social skills and make you less self-
conscious and preoccupied with yourself.
Take every opportunity to socialise as much as you can. Practise makes perfect, even for
the socially accomplished. Even famous musicians and sportspeople practise every day. The
more they practise the better they get. Socialising will give you plenty of opportunities to
practice your social skills and observe the good social behaviours of others so that you can
model the best and improve on your own. However simply showing up is not enough.
Shy people often expect others to approach them to engage in conversation and take all
the initiative. Unfortunately, this is not the way things happen in reality. You must play an
active part and make an effort and approach others, start a conversation and learn how to
talk naturally to other people. When joining a group at a party, always introduce yourself.
To start the conversation, engage in small talk as this breaks the ice and shows you are
willing to talk. This reminds other people to introduce themselves as well. Arrange to meet
people that you would like to know better.
Research the people who are likely to be there and what their interests are before you attend
social events or meetings. Plan what you are going to say and rehearse appropriate questions.
Arrive early so that you can acclimatise to the situation. At the event focus your attention
outwardly by observing other people and listening actively while maintaining eye contact.
Become a person watcher by studying their mannerisms. You can’t be obsessed with yourself
if you are thinking about others as the mind can’t think of two things at the same time.
Non-verbal cues such as facial expression, level of eye contact and tone of voice will help
you recognise the interest level, engagement, concern and emotional state of others so that
you can react appropriately. This will help you gauge situations and know when it is time
to engage, withdraw or move on. If a person starts to yawn while you’re talking it may be
a signal to switch the conversation. On the other hand, if you tell a joke and somebody
laughs it may be a sign that they are enjoying your company.
Good conversationalists make comments that are in tune with or add to what is being said
and ask open-ended questions to keep the conversation alive. Answering questions with
one-word answers is a conversation killer. You don’t have to be interesting to make your
mark socially; all you have to do is to be natural, show concern, engage and listen.

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Think positive thoughts and see yourself as a worthwhile interesting friendly person with
unique abilities and talents. Self-assured people expect others to respond to them positively.
In life, you often get what you expect.
Don’t take rebuffs personally as they may not be your fault. They can be due to many causes
such as the other person having a bad day, incompatibility, thoughtlessness, preoccupation,
someone else’s bad mood, a misunderstanding, lack of consideration or just plain rudeness.
Rejections are a natural part of life. You are not going to like or be liked by everybody.
Just mark it down to experience and move on until you find a more likeable, agreeable and
compatible person or group.
Learn to control your emotions by not reacting aggressively to the negative emotions and
insensitivities of others. Ignore the rudeness of others by acting coolly, calmly and politely.
Defuse difficult situations by explaining your point of view, compromising, apologising, if
appropriate or sometimes by just changing the subject matter. Generally, it is best not to
judge ideas as they come up as it encourages other people to participate more freely if they
feel what they say will not be judged, evaluated or criticised. People prefer to be told they’re
right rather than they’re wrong. Saying they’re right affirms their knowledge, intelligence
and values, and shows that you like them which makes them feel good about themselves
and good about you.
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Try to see the humour in situations. Laughter is contagious and will lighten and brighten
up a situation and defuse a negative or hostile atmosphere. Smiling sends the signal that we
are open, friendly, approachable and fun to be with and thus encourages others to engage
and converse with us.
“Self-confidence is knowing that we have the capacity to do something

good and firmly decide not to give up.”
– Dalai Lama
4A4B4F
YOU CAN’T BE CONFIDENT ALL THE TIME

Most of us will experience a lack of confidence at times during our lifetimes. People can
experience a crisis of confidence during difficult times such as redundancy, a breakdown
in a cherished relationship, sickness, a serious accident, incapacity or death of a loved one.
During such times your self-esteem can be extremely undermined or severely tested with
feelings of self-doubt, uncertainty and fear dominating your every thought. However, these
are natural cycles we go through and healthy people will pull out of them and recover to
become their former confident selves again. You do this by refocusing on the positive and
rediscovering your sense of self-worth. In a minority of cases some people may need the
help of a psychologist, psychotherapist or counsellor to make a full recovery.
Being introverted is not the same as being shy. Some people are deep thinkers and prefer
their own company to that of others. In fact, many successful people are introverted and
this is not a disadvantage but rather a strength in certain vocations such as science, writing
and computer programming as introverts tend to be preoccupied with their thoughts.
Nevertheless, extroverted people are more outgoing and find it easier to make friends and
operate successfully in a team; skills that are becoming more and more crucial to a successful
life in business and elsewhere. In addition, they are often perceived as being more intelligent
and approachable whether in fact they are or not.
Introverted V Extroverted
Fig. 1.4. Introverted versus Extroverted

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1.5 WHERE DOES CONFIDENCE COME FROM?

Confidence is probably attributable to an equal mixture of genetics, personality and experience.
It helps if you have confident parents as nature may pass the genes on to you. Parents,
teachers and religious leaders will imprint rules and norms, principles and values and ‘musts,
oughts and shoulds’ in your child’s subconscious when you are still impressionable. Some
of these will help you progress successfully in your life while others will be detrimental and
hold you back. Reflect and examine where they came from and recognise those that are
no longer appropriate to a responsible rational adult and eradicate them. After all, as an
adult you are supposed to be a logical responsible independent human being thinking for
yourself, making up your own mind and using your knowledge and experience in a critical,
thoughtful, supportive and sensible way.
THE SUCCESS CYCLE
Action
Further Cycle Successful

Success of Success Outcome
Reflection
Fig.1.5 Cycle of Success
Confidence comes from being successful. The old adage that “nothing succeeds like success”
is true. There is a cycle of success where one successful outcome is likely to reinforce and
lead to another. Overcoming a major obstacle, passing an exam, winning at sport or getting
a book published is associated with feelings of accomplishment, euphoria and pride. Success
makes you feel confident and happy and ready to take on new and more difficult challenges.
To make yourself more confident, think back to a moment when you were feeling supremely
confident and create a memory trigger, such as touching your forefinger and thumb, to
recall that feeling. Any experience can be anchored through sounds, words, touch or context
and prompted by engaging the appropriate memory cue. When you want to feel confident
engage the memory trigger to revive the feelings of confidence.
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Confident people know they can achieve what they want and they persist until they succeed.
They may experience setbacks but always learn from these and they do things differently until
they achieve their purpose. Developing self-confidence is all about overcoming situations
in which you feel anxious, afraid, unsure and insecure. The more you challenge yourself
and achieve what you want the more self-confident you will become. Ask yourself what
would you dare to do and dream if you weren’t afraid of doing anything in the world? At
the end of your life you will regret the things you wanted to do but for whatever reason
were afraid to do.
The nurture part of confidence can be learnt and developed through training, practice and
lifetime experiences. It is important to realise that you can become more self-confident through
your own determination and efforts. Become an expert in a specific subject as this will build
your confidence. Study the behaviours of confident people and use them as role models.
Read the autobiographies and biographies of famous and successful people and see how
their behaviours contributed to their success and how they overcame obstacles in their lives.
In fact, many famous people themselves, including Winston Churchill and George Patton,
have said that biography was their favourite form of reading as a source of information,
guidance and inspiration. Similarly, you should adopt those actions and behaviours that
will help you live an interesting, fruitful and successful life. John Hume the civil rights
activist in Northern Ireland and Nobel Prize winner for peace admits that he was strongly
influenced and inspired by the life of Martin Luther King who won civil rights for the
black population in the USA. He achieved similar results for the nationalist population of
Northern Ireland.
“You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.
You’re on your own.
And you know what you know.
You are the guy who’ll decide where to go.”
– Dr. Seuss

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EXERCISING YOUR RIGHTS

You have a right to reach your potential and a right to be confident. Others have rights as
well as you. Realising this will ensure that you treat people with respect and prevent you
from being self-centred. Knowing you have rights helps your self-respect and enhances your
confidence. The basic human rights include:
¾ You have the right to ask for what you want. Other people have the right to refuse.
¾ You have the right to express your opinions. Other people have the right to have
different opinions and to disagree with you. You have the right to say no.
¾ You have the right to change your mind. Circumstances change, knowledge changes,
people mature, acquire new experiences and therefore have the right to change.
¾ You have the right to be fairly treated, respected and not to be bullied or discriminated
against.
¾ You have the right to make decisions. However, you must take responsibility for the
consequences of your decisions.
¾ You have the right not to get involved in other people’s problems. They are primarily
and ultimately responsible for their own lives while you are responsible for yours.
¾ You have the right to make mistakes. However, you should admit your mistakes and be
prepared to learn from them.
¾ You have the right to get what you paid for. When you return goods for replacement or
refund you have the right to be treated with courtesy and fairness and on your part, you
should also be mannerly, respectful and civil to others.
¾ You have the right to privacy.
¾ You have the right to grow and develop and be successful.
1.6 CONFIDENCE AND COMPETENCE

Competence is your ability to do something. You are more likely to be confident when
operating within your area of expertise. A doctor may have competence in medical matters
but lack competence and indeed confidence when dealing with financial and taxation
issues. An accountant may have confidence in financial matters but lack confidence when
dealing with legal issues. Without competence confidence can be dangerous, misleading
and unjustified particularly if you are operating outside your area of expertise. However,
a realistic belief in your own ability to get things done will take you a long way. Without
self-belief you are unlikely to have the confidence to even get started or take the calculated
risks needed to succeed. Building confidence is like learning to acquire any skills. It’s about
knowing what the critical skills are and practising them every day. Just like any other skill
confidence has four levels of competence as follows:

20
UNCONSCIOUS UNCONSCIOUS
INCOMPETENCE COMPETENCE
You are unaware of the skill Performing the skill
and your lack of proficiency becomes automatic
CONSCIOUS CONSCIOUS
INCOMPETENCE COMPETENCE
You are aware of the skill but You are able to use the skill,
not yet proficient but only with effort
Fig. 1.6 Competence model
1. Unconscious Incompetence. At this level you are shy and do not possess the skill
of confidence and you are unaware how useful it could be to living a happy
and successful life. One could be extremely shy and not realise how beneficial
confidence could be as a trigger to success in your career and in any area of life
you choose. If you are shy all your life you may accept shyness as a natural way of
being and do nothing about it. You are incompetent about confidence not realising
how you can learn to be confident as confidence is an acquired social skill.
2. Conscious Incompetence. At this level you are becoming aware of your shyness,
lack of confidence skills and how it is holding you back in life. Awareness of
the problem now means that you have an opportunity to do something positive
about it by acquiring confidence building skills. By observing confident people
and endeavouring to role model their behaviour, you know what confidence
looks like, feels like, sounds like and how it has contributed to their success. You
realise that the more you work on your shyness the more you will move towards
becoming a more confident and assertive human being.
3. Conscious Competence. At this level you have acquired the skill of confidence but
are conscious and uncomfortable about it. The skill is not yet habitual as you
will need to practise confidence skills for at least 21 days (the time psychologists
have found that it takes to acquire a new habit). Remember practise makes
perfect and practise makes permanent. Nothing worthwhile is achieved without
hard work, repetition, persistence, determination and dedication.
4. Unconscious Competence. At this level you have acquired the confidence habit
subconsciously. Confidence is now part of your persona and you can be
confident without consciously thinking about it. You now wonder how you ever
functioned in life without the benefit and calm self-assurance of being confident.
Without confidence you have an overwhelming fear of change, don’t like mixing
socially, and are unlikely to take any risks and therefore unlikely to live a
successful life.

21
1.7 SELF-EFFICACY
Self-efficacy, confidence and competence are interlinked. Self-efficacy is an important aspect
of self-esteem and is the belief that we have the skills and competencies to accomplish a
particular task. You can’t take advantage of an opportunity if you don’t have the requisite
knowledge, skills and attitude to exploit it. People with strong self-efficacy focus their
energies on analysing and solving problems and believe that they will succeed. Those with
weak self-efficacy doubt their skills and abilities and anticipate failure and so give up easily.
We acquire a sense of self-efficacy in four ways (COPE).
Cumulative Observation
COPE
Positive Attitude Encouragement
Fig. 1.7 COPE model of self-efficacy
1. Cumulative. True confidence comes from the gradual accumulation of self-

efficacy and competency over many successes. With each success we reinforce our
feelings of self-confidence. The old saying that success begets success and that
we build on our successes is true. Even as children successful early experiences
can have a positive impact on us for the rest of our lives. For example, a single
win in sport in contrast to numerous wins may not be sufficient to boost your
self-confidence permanently. However, a spectacular first win may motivate and
inspire the start of a transformation of your self-concept from “I’m a loser” to
“I’m a winner.”
2. Observation. When we see others with similar abilities to ourselves succeed, we
realise that it is feasible for us to do so as well. We can learn from the successful
behaviours of others and use them as inspirational role models to motivate us to
achieve similar feats.

22
3. Positive attitude. One simple way to enhance your self-efficacy is to direct your
thoughts in a positive way. A positive attitude increases our self-esteem while
a negative attitude diminishes it. To get positive results you must have positive
thoughts and feelings and follow through with action. Thinking about things
is not sufficient. You must take appropriate action to follow through and make
it a reality. Surround yourself with positive people as these will help you have
a positive view on life and encourage you to achieve your aims. Make a list of
positive things in your life that you can refer to when you need to.
4. Encouragement. We all need the support, encouragement and inspiration of
others such as family, friends and colleagues at different stages of our lives. We
are motivated by those who believe in our ability to succeed. Tell them that you
believe you can achieve your goals and this will help them believe you too.
1.8 SELF-BELIEF
Fig. 1.8 Self-Belief
People who work hard with strong self-belief set and achieve stretching goals. They are able
to take, accept and learn from criticism. They have a balanced perspective on their strengths
and weaknesses and take remedial action to overcome their shortcomings. They are prepared
to take realistic risks and so don’t suffer from fear and self-doubt of being wrong or making
a mistake when pursuing goals. They bounce back from setbacks and create a positive future
for themselves. They anticipate and know how to deal with the stresses in their lives because
they know that life will not always run smoothly according to plan.
They follow their heart with determination and dedication and don’t worry what others
think about them. They realise that other people are wrapped up in their own concerns and
interests and think very little, if at all, about them. They know that it’s up to them if they
want to succeed. People who believe in themselves are more likely to be trusted, respected
and believed in by others. Those lacking in self-belief give out negative vibes which makes
other people doubt them resulting in their being overlooked and ignored. It was his strong
sense of self-belief, hard work and the winning mentality that helped Sebastian Coe, two
times Olympic 1,500 metres gold medallist, win the bid for the 2014 Olympic Games for
London against strong opposition from Paris, Madrid and New York.
23
Beliefs are strongly influenced by parents, teachers and significant others in your life. They
are laid down in your subconscious as a child when your critical faculties are not fully
developed and so you accept them without question. Beliefs are not necessarily true or even
useful. Some are empowering while others are limiting. Empowering beliefs will aid your
success while limiting beliefs will facilitate your failure. Children reared in a supportive,
egalitarian, loving and nurturing environment and instilled with the value of education and
learning and respect for others, are more likely to prosper and develop into self-sufficient,
confident and successful human beings.
Children who are encouraged to set achievable but stretching goals are more likely to become
confident and to challenge themselves with difficult undertakings when they mature. The
more they work hard and accomplish the more confident they become. Those brought up
in a negative environment may never mature psychologically and reach their full potential.
Things we are told as children are imprinted on our minds and stick with us for a lifetime.
Empowering beliefs can spur you into action while disempowering beliefs can hold you
back. However irrespective of the circumstances of upbringing people have overcome their
past and gone on to achieve great things because we are the only ones who truly know what
we want and what we are capable of achieving. Children can overcome the direst childhood
circumstances and go on to live prosperous and successful lives.
“Keep your dreams alive. Understand to achieve anything requires faith

and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication.
Remember all things are possible for those who believe.”
– Gail Devers
1.9 EMPOWERING BELIEFS

It’s aerodynamically impossible for the bumblebee to fly as his wings are too short and his
body weight too high. However, nobody has told this to the bumblebee and so he just
goes on flying. Great things are often achieved by people who are unaware of or just don’t
accept their limitations. The following are empowering beliefs which you should adopt as
part of your philosophy of life:

24
Self-
Responsibility
Positive Learn from

Thinking Mistakes
Important
Empowering
Beliefs
Law of
Self-Belief
Expectation
Fake it until
you make it
Fig. 1.9 Important Empowering Beliefs
¾¾ You are primarily responsible for where you are right now in life and for your
own destiny. Some people go through life blaming their parents, teachers,
circumstances, luck and other people for their lack of success in life. Some
people blame their lack of formal education and upbringing for holding them
back but we all know people with little formal education from disadvantaged
backgrounds who went on to become highly successful in life through persistence,
hard work, dedication and determination. Attributing blame to others for your
circumstances does not lead to empowerment, responsibility or control over your
life and behaviour. Instead you should be taking action right now to change the
direction of your life in a positive way.
¾¾ Learn from your mistakes. View failure as a learning experience on the road
to achieving your ultimate goal. There is no failure only feedback. Become a
lifelong learner by continuously undertaking worthwhile learning and training
experiences. Learn also from your successes so that you can apply the success
principles you have learned to future endeavours and enterprises.
¾¾ In line with the self-fulfilling prophecy you mostly get what you expect. Expect
to achieve what you desire and you are more likely to do so. Expect to be happy
and you are more likely to be happy. Expect to be liked and you are more
likely to be popular. Expect to be successful and you are more likely to succeed.
Expect to win and you are more likely to do so. For many years the conventional
wisdom and self-limiting beliefs held athletes back from breaking the four-minute
barrier until Roger Bannister came along on the 5th May, 1954 and astounded
the world by breaking it. By 1999, 955 athletes had run a sub 4-minute mile
which proved that it was not physiologically impossible as previously thought
but was merely a self-imposed psychological barrier. Good runners now achieve
25
the sub 4-minute mile as a matter of course. Similarly, it was thought that there
was an upper limit of 500lb in weightlifting until Valery Alexis was tricked into
thinking he was lifting a slightly lighter weight.
¾¾ Psychologists maintain that if you want to acquire a new behaviour you should
fake it until you make it. Act as if anything you want to do is possible and
it is more likely to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Anytime you hear your
inner voice saying ‘I can’t’ ask ‘why not.’ It is more positive and productive to
spend your time trying to figure out how you can do something rather than
have doubts about it. Another approach is to say to yourself; “I can’t yet.” This
opens up possibilities such as if you take appropriate action like undergoing
mentoring, coaching, special training or reading up on the subject matter you
may succeed. “I can’t” is a self-sabotaging belief that robs you of your energy,
hope and motivation. You must question your limiting belief in order to get rid
of it. Modify or discard the beliefs that are not serving you well. Experiment
with new beliefs supporting what you know you are capable of doing if you
really put your mind down to it.
¾¾ Irrespective of the outcome you are still a worthwhile person. Success is often
due more to persistent and dedicated effort rather than inherent ability. If you
make the best use of what you have you have all the resources you need to
succeed. You are more than your job or your performance on a given task at a
given time. People who get too much wrapped up in their jobs or careers find
it very difficult to cope when their job is made redundant or their careers come
to an end as they inevitably will. Develop other interests as a fullback position.
¾¾ Control your thoughts and attitudes to control your destiny. Attitude makes
a more significant contribution to success than skills and knowledge. Some
psychologists maintain that 85 per cent of our success is determined by the
right attitude. So, view things in a positive light. Change your beliefs to change
your thoughts, attitudes, behaviour and actions. You become what you think
about all day long. If you think you can succeed you will, and if you think you
can’t succeed you won’t. Changing your attitude to life by taking the ‘t’ out of
can’t and making it ‘can’ creates motivation and encourages effort. Thoughts
and feelings have a massive impact on your life. Change the way you think and
feel to change the way you behave and live. Either you shape your thoughts for
the better or your thoughts will shape you for the worst. We all move in the
direction of our dominant thoughts; so, make sure they are positive, energising
and constructive. Visualising and thinking about the changes you want to make
is the first step to making improvements in your life.
¾¾ Psychotherapist Albert Ellis invented the term ‘musturbation’ for a person who
thinks that they must, should, ought, or have to do something. He maintained
that a healthy response would be to change these to ‘I want to’ or ‘I choose to’.
If you want to do something you are empowered and in charge of your own
destiny. If you feel you have to you are disempowered.

26
¾¾ Money can’t buy happiness but it may provide security and peace of mind.
Pursue your passion and the money will follow as night follows day. You will be
far more fulfilled and happier in a job that you are interested in and passionate
about than spending your whole life in a job that you hate or find uninteresting
and lacking challenge.
¾¾ When things go wrong, keep your problems in perspective by reframing,
refocusing and comparing them with the problems of others. Things are never
as bad as they seem. It could be worse. Reframe problems as challenges to be
overcome and consider alternative solutions to solve them. Develop a healthy
balanced perspective by questioning any negative thoughts. Imagine thinking,
focusing, believing and acting in more constructive ways. To build a positive
self-belief, think about your strengths and past successes which will inspire you
to keep going.
¾¾ If you want to know another person, study their actions and behaviours rather
360°
than their beliefs. Believe what they do rather than what they say. Actions speak
.
louder than words. We are all unique and have different views and perspectives
thinking
on life. Be aware that you cannot change another person, you can only change
yourself.
360°
thinking . 360°
thinking .
Discover the truth at www.deloitte.ca/careers Dis
© Deloitte & Touche LLP and affiliated entities.
Discover the truth at www.deloitte.ca/careers © Deloitte & Touche LLP and affiliated entities.
Deloitte & Touche LLP and affiliated entities.
Discoverfree
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27
1.10 LIMITING BELIEFS

Some people are hindered and hampered by unhelpful beliefs imprinted deep in their
subconscious which hold them back from achieving their dreams. The subconscious doesn’t
know the difference between what is true and what is untrue. It imposes rules on us and
then operates as if they are true. Question your limiting beliefs as they will lead you to
failure and substitute empowering beliefs for them as they will lead you to success. Change
your limiting beliefs one at a time and change your life.
Circus fleas are trained to jump to a certain height by being trained in a limited space
such as a jar with a lid on top. After a while they believe that they can only jump a certain
distance so that when the lid is removed, they jump to the expected height. Similarly, baby
elephants are restrained from breaking free with a tree or a steel chain. After a while they
believe they can’t escape from their tether and so can be restrained by a twig when they
mature. They have literally given up and acquired a sense of helplessness. Some of the
limiting beliefs we have are imprinted from childhood and may subconsciously hold us
back for the rest of our lives.
The following are some examples of limiting beliefs which you should question:
Limiting Beliefs
Control Perfectionism Age

Approval Focus on Future Trust
Perspective Responsibility Risk Averse
Fig. 1.10 Limiting Beliefs
You are too ready to take responsibility for things over which you have no control. You
cannot control other people. You can’t control their actions, reactions, incompetence and
behaviours. On the other hand, you have control over your actions, reactions, attitude,
perspective, thoughts, feelings, emotions and goals. You feel that other people must do what
you want them to do, or agree with what you say, or with what you perceive to be the

28
truth. This has given rise to fundamentalists willing to kill those who disagree with their
dogmas and has led to feuds, atrocities, wars and genocides. It has also led to disagreements,
conflicts and rifts in family life.
You feel that everybody must love and approve you when in fact you should realise that you
can’t please everybody. Seek out the people who will support you and who are compatible
with your personality, interests, views, attitudes, beliefs and values. Avoid those who are
incompatible with your views and lifestyle. You are too concerned with what others may
think. Charles Darwin delayed the publication of his famous work on the theory of evolution
called The Origin of Species fearing he would upset his wife who was a devout Christian
and the Church of England because his book challenged the biblical story of creation. He
was pushed into publishing his great work when he became aware that another evolutionist
Alfred Russell Wallace was about to publish a similar theory. The greatest thinker of the
19th century could have become a mere footnote in the study of evolution because of his
anxiety and fear of disapproval and public ridicule and scorn.
You exaggerate the importance of a particular outcome. People who make a catastrophe
out of every little setback focus on the worst possible outcome. It’s not the end of the
world if things do not work out as anticipated. Don’t catastrophise and make mountains
our of molehills but rather put things in perspective. Things are never as bad as they seem
at the time and most things work out okay in the end. We are too focused on negative
possibilities. Humans have between 12,000 and 80,000 thoughts per day, 80 per cent of
which are negative. However, bear in mind that most of our worries never materialise.
You feel that you must always be right, competent, adequate and achieving. You must be
perfect in everything you do. We are all burdened with imperfections, inadequacies and
idiosyncrasies. Nobody is perfect. You feel that you are too small, too ugly, too tall, too
thin or too fat. Wayne Gretzky one of the greatest hockey players of all time was told he
was too small and too slow to make it as a professional ice hockey player in the National
Hockey League. However, he didn’t accept this self-limiting belief and went on to become
a great hockey player nicknamed ‘The Great One.’
We believe that the past is all important and determines your feelings and behaviour today.
The past is gone and can’t be undone. The reality is that even though we can’t change the
past, we can learn from the past, free ourselves from the past and move on with our lives.
It is now and the future that we should focus our minds on.
You feel that you must serve other people’s needs before your own. Your primary responsibility
is to serve your own needs first; then serve the needs of others. You find it difficult to make
decisions without getting the approval of others. At the end of the day you are responsible
for your own life and so should take those decisions which you feel are in your best interests
and stand by them.

29
You believe that you are too old to achieve what you desire. Age didn’t stop people like Ronald
Reagan from becoming at 69 the oldest ever President of the United States (Donald Trump
has beaten this record since. He was over 70 on becoming president) or Winston Churchill
from becoming Prime Minister of Great Britain for the second time at the age of 77.
You feel you have to do everything yourself and believe nobody can do work as efficiently
and effectively as you can. A successful person is one who has trust in others and the
confidence to delegate appropriately to other people and thus free himself to concentrate
on the important tasks. You believe that people cannot be trusted. Trust but verify, should
be your motto. Modern society and business in particular could not operate without trust.
You feel that you must not take risks. Life is a series of risks such as accepting a challenging
work assignment, taking a promotion in a different city, raising a sensitive issue with your
friend, or confronting an abusive insensitive manager about his conduct. We must be prepared
to take prudent risks if we are to change and succeed in life. In fact, there is nothing more
empowering and confidence building than taking a risk and succeeding.
“Every day you must unlearn the ways that hold you back. You must
rid yourself of negativity, so you can learn to fly.”
– Leon Brown
1.11 CONFIDENCE AND MENTAL STATES

Fixed versus Growth Mindsets
Fig. 1.11 Fixed V Growth Mindsets. http://mind-sets.com/info/mindset/what-is-a-

mindset

30
Confidence and a growth mindset go hand in hand. The growth mindset is the foundation
for confidence. It seems the old parental advice to children that they can achieve anything
they put their minds to is generally if not totally true. However, the caveat is that they
work hard and put in the required effort. In addition, if they believe that their potential
is expandable, they will go further. This has been confirmed by the work of psychologist,
Carol Dweck, who has discovered two types of mindsets - fixed and growth. They serve
as a framework shaping perceptions, emotions, creativity, and thinking, problem solving,
planning and learning.
A person with a fixed mindset believes that their IQ is innate, predetermined and fixed at
birth, and irrespective of effort they can’t do anything to influence or improve it – a defeatist
and self-fulfilling prophecy attitude. A belief that you can’t improve stunts intellectual
growth, development and learning possibilities. People with a fixed mindset believe that
they are totally limited by the innate natural talent they were born with. The result is they
avoid challenges, new learning and developmental opportunities; react defensively when
challenged, are risk averse, avoid any prospect of failure and generally give up when faced
with seemingly insurmountable obstacles and setbacks. Psychologists have named giving up
in the face of repeated failure learned helplessness.
People with a fixed mindset like to operate within their comfort zone, dislike challenge
and have a fear of failure. They are reluctant to experiment and thus avoid opportunities to
learn. They are sensitive to making mistakes and thus never reach their true potential and
become self-actualised. They don’t view mistakes as learning opportunities but as things to
be avoided at all costs. They are thus more likely to leave things as they are, rather than use
their initiative and energy to challenge things, and seek out novel solutions to problems.
People with a fixed mindset don’t realise that expertise is acquired by hard work, study,
focused learning, further education, continuous practise, interest, effort, determination,
dedication and persistence. They are low achievers who tend to attribute failure to lack of
ability, and success to luck or things outside their control. They often blame others for their
failure, and don’t seek help for self-improvement and growth. Unless people recognise that
failure results from their own actions, they will not learn from their mistakes, shortcomings
or setbacks. In psychology this phenomenon is known as the attribution bias where successes
are attributed to hard work, effort, brilliance and skills rather than luck. On the other hand,
failure is blamed on bad luck or misfortune rather than resulting from a person’s own actions.
In business a fixed mindset encourages the sort of leadership that relies on intimidation and
coercion stifling initiative, being risk averse and undermining job satisfaction. An employee
operating from a fixed mindset will block out unfavourable feedback, avoid stretch goals,
be motivated by seeking approval, avoid effort and see other’s success as a threat. Such

31
an employee will not reflect on where they went wrong and thus fail to learn from their
mistakes. The fixed mindset thrives in bureaucracies such as central and local government
departments and large multi-nationals. The fear of failure, making mistakes, and humiliation
in front of peers is endemic in such organisations.
On the other hand, people with a growth mindset believe that IQ is not fixed, and that
the brain is plastic, malleable and expands with use and experience – your brain is like a
muscle and can be developed with exercise. They thus believe in lifelong learning, continuous
improvement, skills through effort, practice and trial and error and adaptation. They are
prepared to take justified calculated risks. They are high achievers who tend to attribute
failure to lack of effort, and success to a combination of hard work, effort and ability.
People with a growth mindset believe that they didn’t try hard enough and are therefore
energised by setbacks and mistakes. For example, students who do badly in examinations
will attribute their poor performance to lack of hard work and poor preparation such as
inadequate study skills. Confucian societies in the East agree with this view and feel that
inherent individual differences are modest. Differences in achievement are thought to be
due largely to endeavour and effort rather than innate ability. This means that you are the
captain of your own ship and the determinant of your own destiny and true friends do not
let you down in an emergency.
People with a growth mindset enjoy challenges, see possibilities, strive to learn and are
eager to develop new skills. They like to experiment and thus increase ways to learn. They
think about possibilities, challenges and opportunities rather than limitations, obstacles and
potential setbacks. They believe that the brain is plastic, flexible and with effort and hard
work can change, grow and prosper irrespective of how good they are at present. People
with learning goals have a growth mindset believing that intelligence can be developed and
see setbacks and mistakes as learning opportunities.
They are better at handling complexity and ambiguity, likelier to persevere in the face of any
difficulties and are more likely to learn from obstacles and setbacks. Microsoft is a company
which uses a growth mindset to develop its leaders. It wants to generate a new culture that
rewards risk taking and teamwork, instead of individual genius. This belief is now supported
by neuroscience research where the human brain grows and develops throughout our lives.
The technical term for this is known as neuroplasticity. It doesn’t mean that the brain is
plastic. Neuro refers to neurons and plasticity refers to the brain’s malleability. Modern
researchers have found that the brain can now rewire itself with appropriate training after
stroke damage giving stroke victims much hope for the future. The brain can produce new
pathways in response to new experience and lifelong learning.

32
People with a growth mindset don’t fear failure, are not afraid of taking reasonable risks and
believe that mistakes are learning and growth opportunities rather than a cause for blame,
shame, embarrassment or punishment. Neuroscience shows that those with a fixed mindset
making errors display considerably less brain activity that those with a growth mindset, who
actively process errors to learn from them.
Those with a fixed mindset believe that their ability is fixed and that they can’t do anything
about it. On the other hand, those with a growth mindset believe that their brains expand
with use which means that they can grow and develop with training and experience. Students
with a growth mindset show greater motivation in school, better grades, and often higher test
scores. Further research by Dweck showed that businesses who adopted a growth mindset
improved their performance.
Praising people’s effort rather than innate intelligence encourages them to become achievers
rather than failures in life because it instils in them the belief that if they work hard, they
will succeed at whatever they desire. On the other hand, praising innate ability means that
people will give up at the first sign of obstacles because they believe their brain power
is fixed and they can’t influence the situation. Thus, talented athletes who believe their
ability is innate may fail to put in the required amount of training, effort and practice
to improve. After all, as Mahatma Gandhi has said: “An ounce of practice is worth more
than tons of preaching.”
1.12 CONFIDENCE AND LOCUS OF CONTROL
Fig. 1.12 Confidence and Locus of Control
Confidence is also related to the locus of control. This is where people perceive the control
centre of their lives to be located outside their sphere of influence and control. Those with
an internal locus of control believe that they are in control of their lives and that what
they do can influence outcomes. They believe that they can make things happen and are in

33
control of their destiny. They are inclined to make up their own minds about things and
are not easily influenced by the opinions of others. These people live happier, healthier and
more successful lives. They are more achievement oriented and get better jobs. They are
more likely to be proactive in regard to their health care taking exercise, adopting a healthy
diet and following the advice of medical experts. College students with an internal locus of
control believe their grades are achieved through their own preparation and efforts. They
are thus more motivated and likely to learn.
Those with an external locus of control believe that outside influences such as fate, chance,
luck, the government and others determine the direction of their lives. They believe that
they have no influence on events and thus become despondent, indifferent and unhappy
with their lot. They often adopt a victim mentality blaming others and adverse circumstances
for their plight. Since they believe they are less in control of their lives they are more likely
to suffer doubt, uncertainty, stress, anxiety and depression. They are more likely to feel
cynical about politics, and because they believe they are powerless to influence events are
less likely to vote.
They tend to be reactive in their approach to life waiting for others to take the initiative
or events to unfold before they take any action. They are easily led and influenced by the
opinion of others. In matters relating to health it may be too late at that stage. College
students with an external locus of control attribute low grades to bad luck, the unusual
difficulty of the exam paper, unfair system of marking or the incompetence of the examiner.
They are likely to believe that their study efforts are pointless and therefore they are less
likely to work hard for grades.
“Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you

cannot be successful or happy.”
– Norman Vincent Peale

34
1.13 COMFORT ZONE
Level of Pressure
Panic Zone Stretch Zone

Burnout Exceptional Performance
Mental Collapse True Potential
Out of Control
Moving from
One Zone into
Another
Comfort Zone Strain Zone

Good Performance but Losing Control
Underachieving Poor Performance
Fig. 1.13 The comfort zone
To learn anything worthwhile and achieve great things you must move out of your comfort
zone and go enthusiastically for the life you dream of. Comfort zones are difficult to leave
because they are places where we feel most secure, safe and comfortable. Sometimes we
need the encouragement of a good coach or mentor to help us move outside our comfort
zone. A good coach will help you develop personality and skills while a mentor will help
you discover hidden talents so that you can grow and develop. If you are an introvert and
you aspire to be a manager requiring interpersonal relationship and communication skills,
then you may need further training to equip you with these skills and take you out of your
comfort zone. Unless you do so, you may get stuck in a rut.
Comfort zones are areas of thinking and experience to which we confine ourselves so as not
to feel threatened, uneasy or “out of our depth.” Personal development comes from going
beyond the ordinary and expanding our comfort zones. You have no idea what you are
capable of, and what your true potential is, unless you venture outside your comfort zone.
People, who succeed work hard, take risks, and they welcome new personal development
challenges and opportunities. John F Kennedy said: “There are risks and costs to a programme
of action. But they are far less than the long-range risks and costs of comfortable inaction.”

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Progress and growth are impossible if you always do things the way you’ve always done
them. Doing the same thing over and over again will not help you advance in your career.
First weigh up all the considerations and then take the risks. Even if you fail you will
learn from your mistakes and be able to use the lesson for the future. Try and learn new
things each year. Life transitions are all about change, and each time you transition you
learn new things which transform the person you are and become the person you want to
be. Set yourself personal challenges daily. Continuous personal development, learning and
improvement should be your goal.
Do new things occasionally. Take up new challenges and exploit new opportunities. Accept
that lateral transfer in your career even if there is no immediate prospect of promotion
or monetary rewards. It will broaden your experience, reactivate your mind, present you
with new challenges, expand your range of contacts and put you in a stronger position for
promotion in the future. Study new subjects for new knowledge, mental challenges and
stimulation. Reading and new experiences is a great way of keeping your brain in shape.
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36
1.14 MOVING OUTSIDE YOUR COMFORT ZONE

The comfort zone is where you feel most comfortable, secure and safe. We like familiar
places, people and things. Notice the way people go on holidays to the same location year
after year. When they go out for a meal or a drink some people like to sit in the same
spot in their local restaurant or pub. When they go to church on Sunday they like to sit
in the same pew. We associate with the same people and we are extremely reluctant to
challenge or change our beliefs, values and attitudes. Some people work in the same job
all their lifetime and some never leave the town in which they were born and marry their
childhood sweetheart. They will never know what could have been and if they have reached
their true potential.
We all have a desire for conformity, sameness, routine and familiarity where we settle for
the mundane because we are afraid to take risks. We are creatures of habit often sticking
to the same daily routines. Every day becomes indistinguishable from the day before. If
we stick to the same routine, we get fixed in our ways and only see what we expect to see.
Some wise person said; if you keep on doing the same old thing you are going to get what
you always got. On a similar note, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over
and over and expecting to get different results. Your brain is like a muscle; it needs to be
used and challenged in different ways to make it grow. So, engage in lifelong learning and
continuous improvement to keep it sharp.
Even successful people may become victims of their own success and refuse to change until
it is too late. An example would be a business man who refuses to react to competition,
develop new products, new markets or new technology. In their comfort zone they feel
competent, confident, secure, safe and unchallenged. This then becomes a comfort trap
where you become set in your ways and are reluctant to undertake anything new even if
it means your eventual downfall. It’s like the frog in the pot of water that gradually gets
accustomed to the heat and boils to death when he could have just jumped out of the
water before the critical boiling point was reached. To succeed in life and stay successful
you must be prepared to create new challenges, new opportunities, overcome your fears and
move outside your comfort zone. In fact, the best way to develop people is to move them
from the familiar to the strange.
For changes that are difficult to make try making incremental steps that gradually take you
outside your comfort zone. Small successes give people the confidence and motivation to
undertake greater challenges. Immigrants to a new country such as the USA find themselves
challenged by a new entrepreneurial and democratic environment and have to be innovative,
competitive and hard working to survive in a strange environment. They are willing to start
at the bottom, work hard and do the menial tasks that others are reluctant to do. This in
no small way has contributed to the economic success of the USA and made it the leading
commercial and political force in the world.

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People have a problem moving outside their comfort zone because the perceived risk can make
them feel anxious, insecure and stressed. The negative feeling experienced may overwhelm
them and outweigh any possible rewards. Your motto should be ‘feel the fear and do it
anyway.’ Life is about expanding your experiences and horizons and living every moment
as if it is your last. After all, in this uncertain and brief life, you never know what’s around
the corner in terms of poor health, crippling accidents, natural disasters, misfortune, adverse
financial circumstances and the inevitable death.
Understand what’s important to you and so what’s worth feeling uncomfortable about and
taking a risk for. Look for the positives in new opportunities rather than thinking about the
possible problems and negatives. The new comfort zone eventually becomes your comfort
trap unless you eventually push it out further and move on. New opportunities and a
burning desire to change and progress in life will energise you to break away from your
existing cosy situation. If you are a lifelong learner you will be continually challenged and
out of your comfort zone.
“Move out of your comfort zone. You can only grow if you are willing
to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new.”
– Brian Tracy
OPPORTUNITIES TO MOVE YOU OUTSIDE YOUR COMFORT ZONE

The following are examples of opportunities that will move you out of your existing comfort
zone:
Further Qualifications Interdepartmental Experience

Overseas Assignments Becoming Self-Employed
Promotion New Learning Experiences
Moving Outside
Your Comfort Zone
360 Degree Appraisal New Hobby

Leaving Home Part-time Lecturing
Public Speaking Networking
Fig. 1.14 Moving outside your comfort zone

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¾¾ Undertaking part-time degree programmes such as MBA or professional qualifications

while working fulltime. This is not easy to do as it requires time management and
planning skills, determination, dedication and commitment. In addition to the
syllabus subject matter such as finance and strategic thinking, you will learn study
and research skills, time management, problem-solving, writing skills and networking
(with new class mates and college staff).
¾¾ Accepting an overseas assignment. It will give you the opportunity to learn a new
language, meet new people, see new places, experience a new culture and stretch
you in ways that you never thought possible.
¾¾ Accepting a new promotion. You will learn how to cope with new situations and
people, and responsibilities such as decision-making, problem solving and leadership.
¾¾ Moving between departments such as from finance to marketing or from engineering
to operations. You will meet new people, learn to adopt a new business perspective,
acquire a new discipline, learn a new technical vocabulary and develop yourself
for general management.
¾¾ Becoming self-employed after losing your job. This will force you to learn new
disciplines such as finance, taxation, marketing and entrepreneurship. In this instance
the move out of your comfort zone is involuntary. However, many people choose
to downshift from a high level stressful executive job to opening up a new crafts-
based industry or bed and breakfast in a rural location to fulfil a dream or indeed
just to simplify their lifestyle.
¾¾ There is an uncomfortable period of adjustment when learning new processes
or procedures or adapting to new work practices but such changes are beneficial
despite the initial human reaction to resist because they will keep your mind sharp,
improve your powers of concentration and teach you how to cope with change.
¾¾ Experiencing a 360-degree appraisal may take senior managers out of their comfort
zone by learning from feedback from numerous sources and taking corrective action
to improve their behaviour, interpersonal relationship skills or management style.
¾¾ Leaving home to go to college in a different town. This will force you to make new
friends, become independent and take responsibility for your life, learn budgeting
and cooking skills and adapt to a new environment. Being transferred to a new
city or town in a different part of the country. This will force you to adapt to new
circumstances, make new friends and learn about a new topography.
¾¾ Being asked to make a verbal presentation to a group of managers especially
if you do not usually speak formally in front of people. This will give you the
opportunity to learn presentation skills such as planning, preparation, delivery and
answering questions.
¾¾ Acquiring a new hobby. This may help you develop creativity and other skills.
People who are made redundant often turn their hobbies into profitable enterprises.
¾¾ Moonlighting such as part-time lecturing in a local college. This will force you to
learn research and presentation skills, learn a topic thoroughly and give you the
confidence to talk knowledgeably about your area of expertise and handle questions
competently. You will also make new contacts in your new area of expertise.
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CONFIDENCE, BELIEF AND SELF-ESTEEM Optimism and self-esteem
2 OPTIMISM AND SELF-ESTEEM
2.1 OPTIMISTIC TRAITS

Confident people are usually optimists. An optimist is a person who tends to stay hopeful
and positive about future outcomes in the face of trying circumstances. Optimists believe
or expect things to work out well. They see the glass as half full rather than half empty. The
American belief that the future can be better than the past has given hope to the people and
contributed in no small way to the entrepreneurial spirit and economic success of the USA.
Optimists have a can-do attitude, that obstacles are there to be overcome, and believe
anything is possible. Unfortunately, their wishes aren’t always met and they too can suffer
disappointments. After becoming the richest man in the world, Andrew Carnegie, tried to
stop World War 1 by building peace temples throughout Europe. Needless to say, he didn’t
succeed in stopping the war. Similarly, after founding Silicon Graphics and Netscape, Jim
Clark started Healtheon, a company he predicted would solve the American health-care
crisis but it failed to do so.
Enthusiastic
Risk Taker Confident
Entrepreneurial
Visionary Passionate
Traits
Practical Optimistic
A leader
Fig. 2.1 Entrepreneurial Traits

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Entrepreneurs are confident, enthusiastic, passionate and optimistic people. In reality,

entrepreneurship, which is good for the economy, may be financially bad for many individuals
as most start-ups are doomed to fail. Psychologists’ estimate that optimism like confidence
is derived one half from our genes and one half from our experience. People with an
optimistic personality are likely to remain relatively optimistic in many areas of their lives
and may do so over their entire lifetime. If you want to become an optimist act like one
as optimism is a matter of attitude and practise. Optimistic behaviours create a positive
feedback loop which means that over time these behaviours will be reinforced and so you
will become more optimistic.
Successful people expect the world to support them and present them with opportunity.
Psychologists have named these kinds of people Inverse Paranoids. It is the opposite of
being paranoid or thinking the world is out to get you or do you harm. Inverse Paranoids
expect good things to happen to them and the world to be supportive. They expect good
interpersonal relationships, rewarding careers and to be happy and successful. However, they
do not leave this to chance but take the proactive practical necessary steps to make it happen.
They do everything possible to improve themselves by reading, taking developmental courses,
and attending lectures and seminars. They mix with positive others who have achieved the
things that they want to achieve and so can learn from them.
Optimists are visionaries and positive thinkers. They see opportunities where others see
problems and obstacles. They look for the silver lining in every cloud and ultimately believe
that the future is bright. We think more creatively and intelligently about the future when
we are hopeful and happy. Optimists focus on their successes rather than their failures.
Even when confronted by adverse circumstances they make the best of a bad situation by
actively tackling problems rather than thinking that things will be fine on the day and
doing nothing. They believe that they can change their circumstance through their own
ideas, actions, attitudes and hard work.
Optimists measure themselves against their own standards rather than other people because
they know this is the correct philosophy to adopt as comparisons to others can be invidious,
negative and demotivational. If you compare yourself negatively to other people who have
more material goods you may conclude that they are living better and happier lives, not
realising that spending time accumulating wealth may just mean that you have less time
to enjoy what you have. In any event comparisons are always erroneous and only arouse
feelings of resentment and jealousy as everybody experiences things differently. Optimists
know that changing their thoughts can change their destiny and thus realise the value of
changing negative thoughts to positive ones.

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Optimists are healthier and when they get ill because of their positivity, they recover faster.
They are able to cope with bereavement better than less optimistic people, as do people
who come from strong supportive family backgrounds. It is their ability to engage with the
world and to persist as confident and optimistic people in the face of adversity, seemingly
insurmountable obstacles, discrimination and abuse, is the difference that makes the difference.
“Optimism is faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done

without hope or confidence. No pessimist ever discovered the secret
of the stars, or sailed to unchartered land, or opened a new doorway
for the human spirit.”
– Helen Keller
2.2 REALISTIC AND UNREALISTIC OPTIMISM
Realistic Unrealistic
V
Optimism Optimism
Fig. 2.2 Realistic and Unrealistic Optimism
Most people are optimistic most of the time. Psychologists have found that people tend to
exaggerate their own talents and abilities believing that they are better than average in most
areas of life such as personality, looks, health, intelligence, driving, job performance and even
making love. Most people also consider themselves less prejudiced than their acquaintances,
more socially skilled, look five years younger and have unwarranted confidence in their
abilities to detect when strangers are telling lies. Of course, this is statistically impossible
since 50 per cent of us are likely to be above average and 50 per cent of us are likely to be
below. We all couldn’t be better than average. People also tend to take credit for positive
outcomes and to attribute negative outcomes to external factors beyond their control.
In many cases the positive outcomes are just due to lucky breaks rather than due to any
inherent abilities and competencies.

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Because optimists think optimistic thoughts their positive expectations increase their
motivation and effort to achieve. They are more likely to persist and stick to difficult tasks.
As we know persistent people are more likely to succeed and overcome setbacks. It is best
if optimism is tinged with a little realism so that people know when to persist and when
to give up and try something else. Optimists may lose a fortune on gambling as they are
inclined to believe that the next bet will have a different outcome and recover their losses.
As optimists tend to see the best in others, downplay their faults, thus make more friends
and have longer friendships. Because they see the best in others, they bring out the best
in others. Optimists tend to be enthusiastically adventurous and willing to take risks, and
so are likely to actively solve problems, overcome obstacles and exploit opportunities. They
tend to be resilient when confronted with difficult situations or challenging goals.
Unrealistic optimism known as the Pollyanna Effect and inappropriate risk-taking has
contributed to the downfall of many during the previous economic collapse. A Pollyanna
always looks on the bright side of things with the attitude that everything will turn out all
right. During boom times some people invest in property and shares in the belief that their
value would keep on going up and so when prices collapsed, they lost their money. Some
people don’t realise that investing in shares is risk-taking and gambling just like betting on
horses. Shares are just as likely to go down in value as to go up.
Because property prices seemed to be going up for so long very few, except some prescient
economists whose views were dismissed at the time, foresaw the collapse in property prices.
These were rejected as merchants of doom and gloom and so people and indeed governments
ignored their advice. Consequently, people who bought at the top of the market and
financed their purchase with lavish loans now found themselves in negative equity when the
recession came. In some cases, they struggled to meet the repayments on their mortgages.
Those who had lost their jobs suffered a double whammy being in more dire straits with
the possibility of becoming homeless.
2.3 OPTIMISTIC BIAS
Fig. 2.3 Optimistic Bias

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In planning major capital projects, executives routinely exaggerate the benefits and
underestimate the costs and potential problems and thus set themselves up for failure. In fact,
most capital projects come in late and over budget. Also, in everyday life people habitually
underestimate the time it takes to finish domestic jobs. Psychologists call this the ‘optimistic
bias,’ as people tend to assume that things will go smoothly according to plan and thus
overlook potential roadblocks and obstacles. Almost all newly married people optimistically
expect their marriages to last a lifetime despite the divorce statistics which clearly suggest
otherwise. In 2016 the UK divorce rate was 42 per cent. Most smokers believe that they
are less at risk of lung cancer and heart disease than others who smoke.
Graduates such as MBA students overestimate the number of jobs offers and starting salary
that awaits them on graduation. People are particularly poor at forecasting their own feelings.
The good things are never as good as we think they will be and the bad things are never as
bad. For example, people expect a major event such as winning the lotto or a promotion
to make them happier than it actually does. They focus too much on the glorious moment
not realising that our mundane routine lives will continue to unfold with their ups and
downs whether or not we win the lotto or get promoted. On the other hand, we are more
resilient than we think. If we don’t get the promotion, we will recover quicker than we
think from the setback.
Sociologists are also aware of this tendency in that people generally believe that bad things
will not happen to them. Survivors of violent crime often say that they believed these
things only happened to other people rather than to them. When murders are committed
in a particular locality neighbours always say that they didn’t expect it to occur in such a
usually peaceful area so near where they live, maintaining that these violent crimes usually
happen somewhere else.
Some people ignore warnings of a tornado and stay in their homes believing that bad things
only happen to other people. The optimistic bias is also evident in young inexperienced drivers
who see themselves as invulnerable despite the fact that they account for a disproportionate
share of road accidents. They never expect car accidents to happen to them even though
they indulge in risky behaviour such as driving under the influence of drugs, speeding,
breaking lights and overtaking when dangerous to do so.

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2.4 PESSIMISM
Fig. 2.4 Pessimism
Unlike optimists, pessimists have negative expectations and so don’t think things will work
out well. This becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy as people who expect to be unsuccessful
will achieve their wish. This is likely to decrease motivation and effort so that pessimists
are more likely to give up and sometimes not even try initially. They see a negative future
and thus don’t see the point in expending effort to overcome setbacks. They may thus be
consumed with feelings of helplessness because they believe they have no control over the
future. Pessimists ruminate about what might be and what might have been. Pessimists have
at least one advantage over optimists. They are more likely to make more realistic forecasts
and plans and anticipate problems. However, they are less likely to try to solve problems
as they believe that they are only wasting their time and will not be successful.
Organisations tend to discourage pessimism. Pessimists are sometimes seen as disloyal and
rocking the boat. They may be shunned and ignored by other employees as people who are
not fun to be around. Optimists are often rewarded while pessimists are ignored because
contrary views and critical thought is discouraged. Going against the conventional wisdom
is usually bad for a person’s career. The views of the minority of economists who warned
against the impending property collapse in 2008 were contemptuously and assiduously
ignored. Therefore, unrealistic optimistic views are often reinforced by others leading to the
ultimate downfall of the company. Pessimists are less likely to take risks and get involved in
games of chance and gambling. The good news is that pessimism is to some degree learned
and a person can be taught to be more optimistic.
Pessimism and indeed optimism are self-fulfilling prophecies. History teaches us that once a
civilisation loses a positive vision of its own future, it withers and dies. Roman civilisation
died when it lost its sense of mission and its leaders started quarrelling and fighting for
power amongst themselves. Without a positive vision of their future, individuals also wither
and die. George Lucas spent four years and numerous rejections submitting his script for
Star Wars to various studios. If he hadn’t a positive vision of his work, he wouldn’t have
finished up with the highest earning film of all time.

45
“A pessimist is one who makes difficulties of his opportunities and an

optimist is one who makes opportunities of his difficulties.”
– Harry S. Truman
2.5 SELF-FULFILLING PROPHECY
Thoughts
Beliefs
Attitudes
Outcomes
Expectation
Responses
Behaviours
Fig. 2.5 Self-fulfilling Prophecy
The self-fulfilling cycle as in Fig. 2.5 suggests that our thoughts, beliefs, values and attitudes
give rise to our expectations. These in turn give rise to our behaviours which result in
particular outcomes and responses. The self-fulfilling prophecy, also known as the Pygmalion
effect, is a psychological concept first propounded by Harvard psychologist Robert Rosenthal
which he derived from classical Roman literature and Greek mythology. It is based on the
Roman poet Ovid’s ‘Metamorphoses’ (Transformations). This describes the story of a sculptor
mesmerised and falling in love with his own creation.
In more recent times the Irish playwright, George Bernard Shaw, used the theme in his
play Pygmalion about a professor who transforms a Cockney flower girl into a sophisticated
well-spoken and well-mannered lady. The play highlights the power of positive expectations;

46
positive reinforcement and why how we treat others can be transformative and life changing
and enhancing. Rosenthal said: ‘The bottom line is that if we expect certain behaviours from
people, we treat them differently – and that treatment is likely to affect their behaviour.’
A self-fulfilling prophecy is a prediction made by one person to and/or about others,

which the others thereafter consciously or unconsciously make come true. In a learning
context, and with the prediction less explicit (in the form of expectation), an example is
the Pygmalion effect. This is where a teacher’s evident high expectations for their students
are borne out by good examination results that might have been lower had the teacher’s
expectations also been lower.
An everyday example is a run on a bank. There are rumours about that a particular bank
is in financial trouble. Many customers lose confidence, panic and precipitously withdraw
their savings, resulting in the bank having insufficient reserves to meet all the artificially
created unforeseen demands. Consequently, the bank goes bust. An example from the
sporting world is where a player is not playing well and is put on the bench. After some
time, he is subsequently returned to the team but now is rusty, has no match practice, has
lost confidence and continues to play below standard. Self-fulfilling prophecies are also
possible in relation to oneself. In fact, positive thinking that leads to positive results is
another variant on self-fulfilling prophecies.

47
Self-fulfilling prophecies suggest that people move in the direction of their dominant thoughts.
You become what you expect to become and you achieve what you believe and expect to
achieve. Expectation is a powerful form of suggestion. If you think you can, you will, if
you think you can’t, you won’t. You see and achieve what you believe – others expectations
and your own. Limited expectations limit possibilities and shape reality.
The perception people have of reality in not reality itself. The map is not the territory but
rather a rough two-dimensional guide! We tend to find what we look for in people or
situations, good or evil, ability or stupidity, problems or solutions, opportunities or threats.
Beauty is often in the eyes of the beholder. If we have low expectations for ourselves, we
shall never achieve much. An unconscious belief, such as ‘I am no good at math,’ becomes
a self-fulfilling prophecy. With such an attitude we tend to avoid maths and anything with
a mathematical content and so the negative cycle continues reinforcing itself.
Low expectations may result in poor outcomes. This is the corollary of the Pygmalion effect
and is known as the golem effect, in which low expectations lead to low productivity and to
a decrease in performance. The bottom line is to have high expectations of people, praise
them appropriately, give them the necessary resources, making sure they have the goals to
motivate them to get on with the job. Somebody once said that attitudes are contagious
so make yours worth catching.
What the mind can conceive and believe; it may achieve. You are limited to a large extent by
your own dreams, expectations, aspirations, attitudes, beliefs and fears. Expect the best and
the best is more likely to happen. Convert problems to opportunities and see the positive
side to life’s trials and tribulations. Everybody has problems and setbacks from the richest
to the poorest. Nobody escapes the normal ups and downs of life. Don’t expect to be happy
all the time. You will have fears, frustrations, disappointments, misunderstandings and days
of unhappiness. You must be able to deal with your fears and frustrations and live with the
bad days as well as the good. Become solution-centred rather than problem centred. Look
for the best in people rather than the worst.
It is not only in a teaching context that the self-fulfilling prophecy or Pygmalion effect
operates. It also operates in business, training, coaching, mentoring, work, families and
personal aspirations. People and teams perform better at sport when the coach believes in their
potential, and lets them know it through positive comments and body language. Employees
in work achieve higher productivity when their employers believe in their capacity for work
and their capabilities. A word of praise for an employee’s good work, unique contribution
or outstanding performance is a great boost to their morale.

48
Children of parents do better when their parents play on their strengths and see their
growth and development possibilities and frequently use words of encouragement. Just saying
‘Well done,’ ‘great job’ and ‘I’m proud of you’ works wonders for a child’s self-esteem and
self-belief. Patients do better when their doctors believe in the efficacy of their treatments
and in the potential of their patients to get well. This is known in medical circles as the
placebo effect – doctor’s expectations that their patients will recover becomes a self-fulfilling
prophecy and promotes their recovery.
THE MATTHEW EFFECT
Success
Further Reinforcement
Success & Reward
Fig. 2.6 Matthew Effect
This term was coined by sociologist Robert Merton. It derives its name from a verse in the
New Testament (Matthew 25:29) which reads ‘for unto every one that hath shall be given,
and he shall have abundance: but from him that hath not shall be taken away even that
which he hath.’ This roughly translates to: ‘those who are successful are most likely to be
given the special opportunities and facilities that lead to further success, and those who
aren’t successful are most likely to be ignored and deprived of them.’
In everyday life, education, politics, business, economics and science, the Matthew Effect
seems to operate – the reputation of prominent people precedes them and scientists expected
to accomplish great research based on their past reputations and performance often make
significant scientific breakthroughs even though others may have made a more significant
contribution. Famous actors, singers and entertainers are assumed to have knowledge,
wisdom and expertise far beyond their area of expertise and claim to fame. They are often
interviewed on TV and asked to make contributions on serious current affairs programmes
way outside their area of knowledge and experience.

49
The following diagram illustrates the role of the virtuous and vicious cycle in our lives.
Fig. 2.7 Virtuous v Vicious Cycle
Those who acquire reading skills early in their school years acquire a distinct advantage
over those who do not do so. This contributes significantly to the development of cognitive
skills throughout their lives which means that these children tend to be more advanced
in all areas of education. This is because reading opens the door to many other subjects
and opportunities. Children who like to read tend to read more. This helps to make them
more proficient readers and better educated, further enhancing their ability to read. This
creates a self-perpetuating virtuous cycle of reward and reinforcement. On the other hand,
children with poor reading skills have little incentive to read and are thus unable to thrive
academically, and so a potential virtuous cycle is turned into a vicious one which may last
a lifetime unless appropriate remedial interventions take place.
Similarly, the rich get richer and the poor get poorer - the accumulated wealth of the rich
enables them to invest further earing interest, which makes them richer and so the cycle
goes on. Advantage in any endeavour begets further advantage. Similarly, management
consultants often inspire their clients to solve tough problems and improve performance
because of the Messiah Effect. Famous consultants are seen as God-like creatures and thus
are more likely to arouse high expectations than others without such prestigious reputations.
“The tallest oak in the forest is the tallest not just because it grew from
the hardiest acorn, but because no other trees blocked its sunlight, the
soil around it was deep and rich, no rabbit chewed through its bark as
a sapling, and no lumberjack cut it down before it matured.”
– Malcolm Gladwell

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2.6 SELF-ESTEEM
Self-esteem is the value we place on ourselves and the sense of how likeable, acceptable,
attractive and loveable we are. Self-esteem arises when we feel good about ourselves across
a range of areas such as intelligence, social skills, appearance, and physical co-ordination.
People with high self-esteem believe they are smarter, more accomplished, more popular and
likeable and more attractive than others even if this is objectively untrue. This illusion may
not be a bad thing provided it is subject to an occasional reality check as it helps people
feel positive. People with high self-esteem, who get into a bad mood work very hard to
get back into a good one, while those with low self-esteem do the opposite by prolonging
their melancholy and persisting with a negative train of thought often resulting in anxiety
and ultimately depression.
We know that being held in high regard by others is a source of high self-esteem while
being ignored or rejected by others is a loss of face and a source of low self-esteem. Even
the smallest slight may affect the self-esteem of sensitive people. Sensitive people are inclined
to ruminate unnecessarily and excessively about adverse criticism and small snubs. People
with high self-esteem have a great sense of self-belief and so generally ignore snubs and
put-downs, and have more initiative and are happier than others.
They are less likely to get depressed and to get stressed in response to traumatic events in
their lives. They are not afraid to talk up in groups to express their views and are more
likely to take the initiative in extricating themselves from unhappy relationships. When
things go wrong, they stay cool under pressure by focusing on what could have gone worse
rather than on what might have gone better.
It is a reflection of how we see the world when we feel good or bad about ourselves. The
Law of Correspondence states that our outer world is just a reflection of our inner world. If
we feel insecure, unhappy and badly about ourselves inside this is going to show up as low
self-esteem on the outside. On the other hand, if we feel secure, happy and good about
ourselves inside this is going to show up as high self-esteem and confidence on the outside.
If you want change in your outer world you must first change your inner thoughts, beliefs and
attitudes. There is one thing you can control – and that’s the way you think. So, eliminate
the negative thoughts, beliefs and attitudes that are holding you back and preventing you
from thinking positively about yourself and achieving what you want to achieve.

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BIRG V CORF
Fig. 2.8 BIRG versus CORF
Psychologists have identified two tactics that people use to enhance or maintain their self-
esteem. They like to be linked to the famous or celebrities and don’t like to be associated
with losers or failures. One is called basking in reflected glory (BIRG) and the other is
called cutting off reflected failure (CORF). The BIRG means that we like to be associated
with a winning group, to such an extent that we feel it is part of our own accomplishment,
such as a team, profession or political party while CORF means people like to disassociate
themselves from a losing group. When their team and political party wins the self-esteem
of devoted football fans and loyal supporters increases while if they lose it takes a battering.
We all love a winner and fans tend to associate more with a successful team than with a
losing side. Thus, winning supporters wear their team colours with pride while losers tend
to fade quietly into the background. We like to associate with famous people and if we are
distantly related to one, we will boast about the fact even if the relationship is trivial, tenuous
and tentative. If we have a chance encounter with a celebrity such as sitting alongside them
in a plane or eating in the same restaurant we will boast about the event, basking in the
reflected glory of the famous person.
In an interview for a job as a chef we may boast that we once worked for a famous celebrity
chef hoping the association will enhance our image and make us look more important. If
we happen to attend a lecture given by a Nobel prize-winner, we will boast of it to our
friends and colleagues as if some of the fame will rub off ourselves. Generally, it has been
found that people with high self-esteem distance themselves from failures and negative
events more so than people with low self-esteem as a tactic to reduce the pain of failure.

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2.7 SELF-KNOWLEDGE
Fig. 2.9 Knowing all about yourself
Self-knowledge is knowing all about yourself: your abilities, skills, interests, learning style,
values, goals and career aspirations. On the other hand, self- esteem, an important aspect
of self-knowledge, is often expressed in feelings of self-worth. Without a belief in our self-
worth we cannot love, accept and respect ourselves and are unlikely to be confident and
win the respect of others. We should accept our physical and mental limitations and realise
that we can’t be good at everything.
If you are only five feet tall you are unlikely to become a professional basketball player or
a rugby player but you might make a very good jockey. If you haven’t a note in your head
you are unlikely to become a good musician or singer. Keep in mind the old saying; “change
the things you can change, accept the things you cannot change and have the sense to know
the difference between the two.” There is no point in hitting your head against a stone wall
by trying to achieve the impossible having regard to your physical and mental limitations.
Self-esteem can be influenced by the self-knowledge or the view you adopt about your past.
Each of us has an autobiographical self or a life story from childhood that we have built
up about the key influences, setbacks and experiences, giving meaning and coherence to
our life. This story provides us with a bridge to our past and sense of continuity for the
future. This story is not static but is dynamic and interactive.
You cannot change the past but it can be imaginatively revisited, re-interpreted and revised,
so that the way we view the past can be changed, reinterpreted, reflected on and seen in a
more positive and inspirational light. This means that our past life does not necessarily have
to determine or limit our future. Bad things may have happened to us in the past but it is
our attitudes, thoughts, and interpretations to these events that count. We can control our
emotions rather than having our emotions control us. So, because you were unhappy in
the past doesn’t mean you can’t be happy in the present and future with new people, new
experiences, new challenges and a reinterpretation of the past.
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Having a realistic self-knowledge about your strengths and weaknesses, abilities and skills
will help you make more effective decisions. Self-knowledge will help you choose the
appropriate course at college and the appropriate occupation to pursue when you leave.
Avoiding things that are too difficult or not in harmony with your natural abilities will pre-
empt failure and frustration. Avoiding things that are too easy will forestall dissatisfaction
and underachievement. Correct choices will help you live a happy, challenging, contented
and fulfilling life. Self-knowledge will also help you choose the appropriate compatible
supportive mate rather than pursuing someone who is incompatible and cause disillusionment
and heartache when they reject and leave you
BIG FIVE PERSONALITY MODEL
Open Conscientious Extraversion Agreeable Neuroticism
Fig. 2.10 Big Five Personality Model
The big five personality model is one of the best-known personality assessment tools as
well as being a route to self-knowledge. Realistic self-knowledge is the foundation for true
self-esteem. Various types of the assessment are available free and commercially on the
internet. A person’s score on the assessment is used to determine their appropriateness for
a particular job or career. HR professionals in the construction industry indicate that over
90 per cent of large organisations, and over 70 per cent of small to medium organisations
use some form of psychometric testing for selection.
Psychologists believe that the Big Five Personality Factors not only evolve over our life span
but in some cases, can actually be changed if only we try hard enough. Carl Dweck is one
of those psychologists who believe our brain is plastic and can change over our lifetimes in
line with our training and experience. In any event self-belief is a powerful factor in deciding
whether we are capable of changing and becoming what we are capable of becoming during
our lifetimes or not.
Life changes such as education, experience, adulthood, marriage, parenthood, networking

and increased responsibility also bring with them personality changes mostly for the good.
When we start work most of us become better at relationships, more conscientious, ambitious,
organised, sensible, self-disciplined and goal directed – if we don’t, we don’t survive and
thrive successfully in the workplace.

54
Studies indicate that for sales jobs extraversion and agreeableness are highly predictive of good
performance. For blue-collar workers, conscientiousness and agreeableness show a positive
relationship to job performance; extraversion and openness to experience are shown to be
unrelated or, in some cases, negatively related to performance. Extraversion, agreeableness,
and emotional stability are highly predictive of a leader’s performance. People with the
characteristics of extraversion, agreeableness and conscientiousness are more likely to advance
in their careers than others. We all prefer those we can trust and rely on.
The Big Five Personality Model can be recalled by the acronym OCEAN which stands for:
• Openness to experience (versus consistent/cautious). This is the degree to which a

person is original, has broad interests, and is willing to take risks and be open
to new experiences. They tend to be curious, imaginative, creative, original,
insightful, artistic and broadminded. This person prefers challenge and variety
over a strict routine. The more you experiment with positive outcomes the
more confident you become. Psychologists have found that openness declines
persistently over time for both men and women – it seems life teaches them to
be more cautious, careful, risk-averse, discreet and suspicious of others intentions.
Our own experience of life suggests that people do change gradually over time.
For example, shy people who are determined to develop their social skills can
undertake public speaking and interpersonal relationship courses to overcome
their feelings of nervousness and anxiety, thus gaining the confidence and self-
efficacy to communicate and interact successfully with other people. People who
were reckless and ran riot when they were teenagers often become staider and
more sensible as they mature.
• Conscientiousness (versus easy-going/careless). A conscientious person is careful,
controlling, scrupulous and persevering. They tend to be organised, successful,
thorough, responsible and goal directed. They prefer planned rather than spontaneous
behaviour. People identified as being conscientious tend to be competent,
orderly, ambitious, trustworthy, determined, self-disciplined and deliberate. We
expect adults to be more reliable and conscientious than teenagers. We expect
ambitious adults on a career path to be courteous, considerate, committed and
conscientious. On the other hand, we are not surprised when teenagers are rude,
thoughtless, overconfident, overbearing, insensitive, insolent and forgetful. After
all their brains are still not fully developed.
• Extraversion (versus solitary/reserved). This is a person who experiences positive
emotional states and feels good about themselves and the world around them.
They tend to be outgoing, talkative, assertive, energetic, social, gregarious, active
and lively. They enjoy communicating and interacting with people and tend
to crave for the company of others. Psychologists have found that extroversion
declines for women but not for men over the life span.

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• Agreeableness (versus analytical/detached). This is a person who is good at getting

along with others – helpful and agreeable. People with agreeableness tend to
be generous, cooperative, considerate, forgiving, modest, tolerant, trustworthy,
flexible, courteous, altruistic and sensitive, and slow to lose their temper. Because
they are slow to anger, they get on well with other people, and so have good
interpersonal relationship skills. They have an optimistic view of human nature.
These traits tend to increase in our 30s. This is the reason why people over that
age tend to make good negotiators and counsellors.
• Neuroticism (versus secure/confident). This person tends to experience negative
emotional states and view the world around them in a negative and hostile
way. They tend to be tetchy, tense, insecure, moody, anxious, depressed, angry,
worried and prone to stress. They are emotionally unstable and have little control
over their impulses, often getting easily upset. They are more likely to interpret
ordinary situations as threatening and minor frustrations as major catastrophes.
Neuroticism has been linked to anxiety, stress and burnout. Psychologists
believe that neuroticism declines with age but not so with men. In addition,
they found that people who enjoy job satisfaction become more extroverted and
less neurotic over time. Those with satisfying relationships become less neurotic
but also less extroverted.
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56
The big five personality model is one of the best-known personality assessment tools and a
great source of self-knowledge and the foundation of true self-esteem. Any tool which helps
us determine our personality type is worthwhile. It is easily understood and accessible on
the internet. A person’s score on the assessment is used to determine their appropriateness
for a particular job.
The model can be recalled easily by the memorable acronym OCEAN. As explained above
this stands for openness to experience, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness and
neuroticism. We can change our personalities throughout our life span, but not without hard
work, practice, persistence and determination. Although adult personality is more flexible
than once thought, the change occurs in response to the changing roles and demands that
come with our life span such as parenting, marriage and job requirements.
Studies indicate that for sales jobs extraversion and agreeableness are highly predictive of
good performance. For blue-collar workers, conscientious and agreeableness show a positive
relationship to job performance; extraversion and openness to experience are shown to
be unrelated or, in some cases, negatively related to performance. However, extraversion,
agreeableness, and emotional stability are highly predictive of a leader’s performance. People
with the characteristics of extraversion, agreeableness and conscientiousness are more likely
to advance in their careers than others.
“If you have anything really valuable to contribute to the world it will
come through the expression of your personality, that single spark of
divinity that sets you off and makes you different from every other
living creature.”
– Bruce Barton
2.8 HIGH AND LOW SELF-ESTEEM

According to psychologist’s Ayn Rand and Nathaniel Branden self-esteem has two dimensions
of self-evaluation:
1. An evaluation that one is competent to deal with life’s basic challenges (self-
efficacy) and
2. An evaluation that one is worthy of happiness (self-worth).

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Internal sources External sources of

Versus self-esteem
of self-esteem
Fig. 2.11 Internal sources of self-esteem versus external sources of self-esteem.
Self-worth encompasses the conviction that one is deserving of success, love, and friendships,
and the acceptance of positive feelings – such as pride and joy – as ‘natural’ and proper to
one’s existence. These evaluations should be based on objective standards. The standards for
adult self-esteem include self-reflective and independent thought; taking responsibility for
and authentically asserting one’s thoughts, beliefs, values, and actions, pursuing meaningful
life goals, and adhering to moral values based on reason. Furthermore, we should not be
over-critical of ourselves and take regular exercise and stick to a good diet. Psychologist
believe that having a pet will boost your self-esteem. Branden calls these objective standards
as the pillars to self-esteem. In summary, these sources of self-esteem are internal to the
person, they depend on self-directed psychological processes but are under each person’s
responsibility and control.
On the other hand, pseudo-self-esteem relies on external sources outside of one’s control,
such as being admired or approved by others, social status or physical appearance. Because
external sources are not our responsibility or under our direct control, they cannot realistically
enhance our feelings of competence. Self-esteem that depends on them is therefore insecure
and under constant threat of being undermined.
Parents have a significant influence on our self-esteem and so have the people we surround
ourselves with. In addition, we are more likely to have high self-esteem if we come from
loving homes with loving, supportive, educated and encouraging parents where clear
standards of behaviour were laid down and where we were genuinely praised, taught to
value ourselves and take responsibility for our actions. On the other hand, physical and
sexual abuse are extremely damaging to the self-esteem of children with possible life-long
consequences. Similarly, family conflict, breakdown, separation and divorce are also likely
to have a detrimental effect on children’s self-esteem.

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High Low
V
Self-esteem Self-esteem
Fig. 2.12 High versus Low Self-Esteem
People with a realistic sense of high self-esteem won’t feel good about themselves all the time.
On a daily basis, external circumstances such as successes, failures, mistakes, setbacks, the
ups and downs of everyday life and mood will influence and vary our level of self-esteem.
Obviously, successes will enhance our self-esteem while failures and setbacks will diminish
it. Self-esteem goes up when you are promoted, praised, successful at some endeavour, do
something worthwhile, pass an exam or win a prize.
On the other hand, when you are criticised, lose at some endeavour, fail to win a promotion,
do something shameful or fail an exam self-esteem will plummet. However high self-esteem
helps us cope with the normal vicissitudes and disappointments of life. It helps people to
persist longer in the face of failure and is also associated with knowing the opportune time
to quit. It is always good to know when you are hitting your head against a stonewall with
the odds of success overwhelmingly against you. In such circumstances it is time to switch
to something more feasible.
Those with a high self-esteem are more likely to adopt a systematic rational problem-solving
approach when confronted with difficult issues. They will objectively appraise a situation,
consider alternative solutions, weigh them up and pick the best one in the circumstances
and then take the appropriate action having considered possible consequences. This approach
will optimise their chances of success. They are more proactive in seeking professional help
to solve their problems.
Good looking people are likely to have a higher self-esteem than others. They are perceived
by others as more intelligent, kind, friendly, nurturing, patient and happy. Even studies of
children as young as 18 months show they prefer to look at and are more likely to smile at
an attractive face. Attractive people often get preferential treatment from strangers, employers
and especially from their own mothers which reinforces their self-concept that they are
special. On average, they even get lighter sentences in criminal courts.

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However, attractive people are not happier than the rest of us as they are subject to the same
ups and downs, trials and tribulations, we all experience going through life. In fact, the
research of Jennifer Crocker, a professor of psychology at the University of Michigan, has
indicated that deriving one’s self-esteem from certain external factors, such as appearance,
is associated with potentially destructive behaviour, including alcohol and drug abuse, and
eating disorders.
A sense of optimism, good relationships, control, empathy and living an interesting,

purposeful, engaged and meaningful life, have much more influence on your happiness than
do your looks. People with high self-esteem are more likely to initiate new relationships
and interactions with others but are not necessarily liked any better than people with low
self-esteem. An inflated self-esteem is not an endearing characteristic to others who may
see you as obnoxious, pompous, patronising, self-opinionated, snobbish, conceited and self-
absorbed and therefore someone to avoid.
LOW SELF-ESTEEM
The conventional wisdom to use self-affirmations to boost your self-esteem if you have
low self-esteem is now thought to be somewhat counterproductive as people with low self-
esteem don’t believe the statements because they have such a low opinion of themselves.
Such a strategy may actually make them feel worse and more demoralised because the
affirmation may strengthen their negative view of themselves as they really don’t believe
them. It works with people with high self-esteem because they already have a high opinion
of themselves while people with low self-esteem need to hear the praise from someone else
before they believe it.
If you suffer from low self-esteem it is a good idea to seek out friends with high self-esteem
as they are likely to treat you well and thus help you to boost your morale and to think
more positively about yourself. Otherwise, if you surround yourself with low self-esteem
friends your negative self-view is getting reinforced. If you’re in a job where you are being
put down all the time by an insensitive manager, assert yourself and insist that you be treated
with respect and dignity. Otherwise, your confidence is undermined by becoming unsure
of achieving what you once knew you were capable of doing. Alternatively, if assertiveness
doesn’t work; change jobs. Keep a diary of your successes and critically read and reflect on
these from time to time to boost your positive self-esteem and learn from your experiences.

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2.9 SUCCESS AND SELF-ESTEEM
Fig. 2.13 Success and self-esteem
In our present cult of celebrity young people are obsessed with fame and fortune. They
see people on reality shows, and becoming famous quickly without achieving anything of
substance. People who achieve instant fame in such circumstances often suffer from the
effects of the imposter syndrome. This means that they find it hard to accept their success
and feel they are frauds and undeserving of such recognition. They constantly need external
reassurance that they really deserve what they have achieved.
They attribute their success to luck rather than hard work or special talent. The constant
harassment, attention, scrutiny and criticism of the media undermine their sense of self-worth
and self-respect and make them self-conscious and aware of their imperfections. Those who
become successful too fast are often too emotionally immature to handle the relentless close
scrutiny of media critics and fans. Their sense of low self-esteem often leads to alcoholism,
drug abuse, misbehaviour and compulsive sexuality and are thus inappropriate role models
for other young people to follow.
Even very talented and well-established celebrities often spiral into self-destructive lifestyles
and addiction when they seem to have the world at their feet. Popular culture provides
us with many examples such as the film actress Marilyn Monroe, Elvis Presley, Michael
Jackson and River Phoenix, all of whom died before their time. Similarly, Kurt Cobain,
famous singer-songwriter and leader of Nirvana, was addicted to heroin and killed himself
in 1994. Keith Flint of the Prodigy met a similar fate in 2019.
When people get to the top, they suddenly realise that achieving the goal is not as enjoyable
and rewarding as the struggle and process of getting there which totally absorbed their
minds and engaged all their time. Any character weaknesses and self-destructive habits
quickly come to the fore when celebrity status has been achieved and the novelty wears off.
Young people must realise if they want to succeed in life that it requires level-headedness,
sense, self-discipline, effort, hard work and persistence rather than luck. They should be
determined to avoid the destructive lifestyles of many of the famous celebrities that have
gone before them.

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There is very little link between self-esteem and high academic performance or job performance.
High self-esteem may be the result of doing well academically rather than the other way
around and good job performance may lead to feelings of high self-esteem. Factors that are
positively linked include intelligence, ability, effort and family background. Your focus should
be on lifelong learning and improvement. This will allow you to compare yourself against
your own standards rather than competing and boosting your ego at the expense of others.
2.10 WOMEN AND SELF-ESTEEM
Fig. 2.14 Women and Self-Esteem
Self-esteem is only moderately influenced by gender. Females on average have slightly lower
self-esteem than males, the gap being the widest in the late teens. Young women have often
a problem with their body image as they compare themselves with the fashion models,
film stars and rich and famous personalities they see on television and in glossy fashion
magazines with beautiful faces and thin figures and they think this is the norm. Women’s
self-esteem is boosted in mutual loving relationships and in caring for others. They like to
be influenced as well to influence others.
The average person spends more than 4 hours a day watching TV so that these negative
comparisons are reinforced and imprinted on their subconscious. In contrast, men and women
when evaluating their intelligence rather than their appearance do not compare themselves to
Albert Einstein but rather to a more mundane realistic standard such as their close friends.
Viewers don’t realise that these people in films or television programmes are not the norm
and are often chosen because of their exceptional looks, attractiveness, figures and talent.
They then go to extreme lengths with grooming, makeup, clothes and diet to stay beautiful
and keep their figures. Some have even undergone expensive cosmetic surgery and coaching
to acquire their present look. The photographs of film stars and models are enhanced and
airbrushed to make them seem more attractive still. With more women in the workplace
this pressure to look attractive is heightened because they feel that appearance counts when

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competing with other women and men for acceptance and promotion. Specifically, when
women get older, they feel there is more pressure on them to look young, slim and beautiful.
Men in similar circumstances don’t feel the same pressures and compulsions to the same extent.
Though women seem to suffer more from a poor body self-image than men, even men are
now beginning to feel the pressure to look youthful, fit and trim and as attractive as possible
to increase their desirability and marketability in different areas of their lives including their
work life. Just like women’s magazines the male models in men’s magazines represent an
impossible standard of good looks, perfection, proportion and sculpted muscularity that
most men will never meet. These feelings of insecurity are being exploited by the marketing
and leisure industry that target men as possible customers of fitness clubs and equipment.
Even make-up, grooming products, deodorants and cosmetic surgery is being increasingly
targeted at the male population. Women and indeed men, who undergo cosmetic surgery,
are often disappointed with the results not realising that self-esteem comes from within
rather than from external negative comparisons with others. If you have a solid self-concept
you will not be constantly looking to others for acceptance and self-assurance.
Low self-esteem is thought to be the motive behind compulsive shopping by women which
is a type of addiction and therapy. Compulsive shoppers are consumers out of control,
buying things they want, don’t really need and sometime can ill-afford. Some people buy
things that they don’t ever use and they remain unwrapped in their packaging or hanging
up untouched in their wardrobes. Like people with eating disorders shopaholics are more
likely to suffer anxiety, stress, depression and low self-esteem than the average shopper. They
are more impulsive than average and tend to be perfectionists.
People who compulsively buy may be trying to boost their low self-esteem and trying to
keep up ‘with the Joneses.’ Buying, conversing and interacting with retail assistants give
them a feeling of power, control, importance and detachment from their everyday problems.
Self-esteem may also influence their purchase decisions. They are more likely to buy things
that enhance their appearance and status such as designer clothes, shoes, handbags, makeup,
and jewellery irrespective of the cost and utility of the purchase. The place of the shopping
centre in modern life has supplanted that of the Church.
Judicial praise may enhance feelings of self-esteem. This does not mean that praising and
never criticising is good. Praise should be balanced with genuine constructive criticism. People
should be praised for kindness, ethical socially desirable behaviour, good job performance
and worthy admirable achievements. In contrast people should be criticised constructively for
unethical behaviour, poor performance, rudeness and underachieving without worrying that
a person’s self-esteem might be damaged. Indiscriminate insincere praise may contribute to
narcissism and other forms of inflated self-esteem and prove detrimental to the individual and
society. In particular, it is now customary to praise children whether they deserve it or not.

63
THE DOWNSIDE OF SELF-ESTEEM
People with unstable Self-enhancers have

Married men cheat
self-esteem are more unrealistically high-self
more
emotionally reactive esteem
Retaliated if Doesn't predict

Delusional
humiliated success
Imporance of
self-compassion
Fig. 2.15 Downside of self-esteem
High self-esteem is not a panacea for all social problems. Men with high self-esteem in
committed monogamous relationships cheat more. Wealth, fame and celebrity magnify
the effect with the rich and famous more prone to cheat because they can afford to do so
and are exposed to more temptations and feel they are entitled to do what they like. The
following two cases are examples of this phenomenon. Tiger Woods, the infamous golfer,
had a string of affairs and made a public apology to his fans about his behaviour. This was
insufficient for his wife who has left him and filed for divorce proceedings. Wayne Rooney
the Manchester United soccer player inconsiderately, thoughtlessly, insensitively and selfishly
cheated on his wife while she was in hospital having their baby. In contrast it is women
with low self-esteem who are more likely to be unfaithful because it is thought that they
are seeking affirmation of their self-worth outside the relationship.
Jennifer Crocker, a professor of psychology at the University of Michigan found that

people whose self-esteem is unstable (that is, fluctuates substantially on a daily basis) are
more emotionally reactive to everyday events. They are more likely to become depressed
when confronted with daily hassles and are more prone to anger when their self-esteem
is challenged. She continues, if people value themselves positively, without conditions,
they will be less likely to suffer from problem drinking, addiction, maladaptive hostile
reactions, and depression.
Psychologists use the term self-enhancers for people who have an unrealistically high self-
esteem. Self-enhancers tend to be hostile, socially inept, and appear anxious and moody.
They are sensitive to criticism and keep people at a distance to protect themselves from
negative feedback. An article by Erica Goode in the New York Times (October 1, 2002)
claimed that D students think as highly of themselves as valedictorians (the student with
the best academic record), and serial rapists are no more likely to experience insecurities
than doctors or bank managers. In fact, some people with high self-esteem are likely to
respond with aggression if anyone dares to criticise them – Neo-Nazis, street toughs and
school bullies combine preening self-satisfaction with violence.

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Some people with high self-esteem may be deluding themselves about their negative tendencies
but they are not deceiving their friends who describe them as aggressive, impulsive, sensitive
to criticism and unable to delay gratification. And when friends see through the facade,
self-enhancers engage in more distortion and denial in an attempt to maintain their self-
esteem at all costs. Positive self-esteem is good but it should be based on reality. If you are
not prepared to accept negative feedback about your shortcomings then there is no way to
get in touch with reality and improve yourself.
Many murders and acts of violence are caused by people retaliating, when their self-esteem
has been attacked and their pride wounded by insults and humiliation. The consumption
of alcohol or an indulgence in drugs can be a contributing factor in arousing passions and
loss of self-control. Putting someone down with scornful remarks and hurting their pride
can have life threatening consequences. Nicholas Emler, a psychologist at the University of
Surrey asserts that people with high self-esteem are more likely to engage in risky pursuits,
such as driving too fast and driving while drunk. Contrary to popular belief, he also found
that high self-esteem is a risk factor for delinquency, unprovoked violence against others,
or racial prejudice.
2.11 SELF-COMPASSION
Fig. 2.16 Be Kind to Yourself by Kristin Neff
According to Heidi Grant self-esteem is not all that it’s supposed to be and may not be
a recipe for success and does not predict high performance or more success. It doesn’t
necessarily make you a more effective leader or a more successful person. It may cause you
to falsely see yourself more positively than you actually are. Self-esteem is also associated
with the better-than-average effect.

65
Research shows that most people think they are better drivers, funnier, more logical, more
popular, better looking, nicer, more trustworthy, wiser and more intelligent than others.
The need to feel superior about oneself means that the pursuit of high self-esteem may
involve exaggerating one’s own importance while putting others down. Those with high
self-esteem may sometimes too easily get angry and aggressive towards others at the slightest
provocation because they feel they haven’t got the respect they deserve. Furthermore, they
may ignore negative feedback as unreliable or biased or blame poor performance on others.
Consequently, they may take less personal responsibility for their actions and develop an
erroneous self-concept, hindering personal growth.
Heidi Grant highlights a growing body of research, including studies by Berkeley’s Juliana
Breines and Serena Chen which suggests that self-compassion rather than self-esteem may be
the key to unlocking your true potential. Self-compassion is a willingness to look at your own
mistakes coolly and calmly and shortcomings with kindness, compassion, recognising one’s
shared humanity and understanding. Heidi claims it leads to higher levels of personal well-
being, optimism, self-responsibility and happiness, and to less anxiety, stress and depression.
According to Kristin D. Neff of the University of Texas self-compassion offers similar mental
health benefits as self-esteem, but with fewer downsides and gives greater emotional resilience
and stability than self-esteem (see Fig.2.16 above). He maintains that self-compassion is
made up of three parts:
1. Self-kindness versus isolation

2. Feelings of common humanity versus isolation and
3. Mindfulness versus over-identification
Self-kindness refers to caring and understanding ourselves rather than being harshly critical or
judgemental. Personal flows and inadequacies are treated in a gentle, understanding manner,
and the emotional tone of language used is soft and supportive. In means accepting the
fact that as humans we are not perfect.
The sense of common humanity is central to self-compassion and means recognising

that all people fail, make mistakes and feel inadequate in some way. Self-compassion sees
imperfections as part of a shared human experience, so that one’s weaknesses are seen from
a broad, inclusive sympathetic perspective. One feels connected to rather than disconnected
from the human race.
Mindfulness, involves being aware of present moment experience in a clear and balanced
manner so that one neither ignores nor worries excessively on disliked aspects of oneself
or one’s life. It involves taking a broad perspective on one’s experience so that it can be

66
considered with greater objectivity, sympathy and perspective. It also prevents the psychological
phenomenon of ‘over identification.’ People in this mindset tend to exaggerate and obsessively
fixated on negative self-relevant thoughts and emotions. This means that they can’t see
themselves or their predicament clearly.
Whereas self-esteem entails evaluating oneself positively and often involves the need to be
special and above average, self-compassion does not involve self-evaluation or comparisons
with others. Rather, it is a kind, connected, and clear-sighted way of relating to ourselves
even in instances of failure, perceived inadequacy, and imperfection.
Higher levels of self-compassion have been associated with greater life satisfaction, emotional
intelligence, social connectedness, learning goals and wisdom. In addition, it has been
linked to personal initiative, curiosity, happiness, optimism, and positive effect, as well as
less self-criticism, depression, anxiety, fear of failure, thought suppression, perfectionism,
performance goals, and disordered eating behaviours. Self-compassion motivates us to push
through difficult challenges, learn from our mistakes and try hard, because we want to be
happy and free from suffering.
In their studies Breines and Chen found that people who experienced self-compassion were
more likely to see their weaknesses as changeable. Self-compassion increased their motivation
to improve and avoid the same mistake again in the future. It seems self-compassion is so
effective because you directly confront your flaws and foibles, shortcomings and weaknesses
in a non-evaluative way. You take a realistic view of your abilities and actions and figure
out what needs to be done differently next time. We all make mistakes. The key to success
is to learn lessons from your mistakes and move on.
There are differences between self-compassion and self-esteem. The following are some of
the more important ones:
• Self-compassion is more relevant when self-esteem lets us down – for instance,

when we fall flat on our face, embarrass ourselves, or otherwise when faced with
the problems of life.
• Self-compassion is related to well-being because it helps people feel safe and
secure. On the other hand, self-esteem is only partly related to well-being because
it helps people feel superior and self-confident.
• People who lack self-compassion are likely to have lowered feelings of self-worth
because they are self-critical and hard on themselves. In contrast, those with high
levels of self-compassion are likely to have greater feelings of self-worth because
they are kinder and more accepting of themselves.

67
• Self-compassion is still a significant predictor of happiness, and optimism. It

also offers more mental health benefits that self-esteem.
• Self-esteem, which is largely based on successful competition, does not provide
emotional resilience as the focus is on personal weakness rather than strengths.
• Self-compassionate people are unlikely to feel humiliated or incompetent, or
to take setbacks to heart. Instead, they take things in their own stride with the
attitude that nobody is perfect and everybody is human and makes mistakes
now and again. People with high and low self-esteem are more likely to adopt
the attitude that they are born losers.
• Self-compassionate people are relatively unflustered regardless of whether the
feedback was positive or neutral, and were more willing to say the feedback
was based on their personality traits. People with high self-esteem, tended to
get upset when they received neutral feedback and were unlikely to attribute
the feedback to their personality. Self-esteem, only appears to offer emotional
resilience when the feedback is good.
• Self-compassionate people are more likely than self-esteem people to take
responsibility for their actions. They, therefore, feel they have more control
over their lives.
• Self-compassion is a significant predictor of self-worth stability whereas self-esteem
is not. Also, the sense of self-worth associated with self-compassion is less likely
to fluctuate according to the whims of external circumstances because it doesn’t
depend on personal success.
• Self-compassionate people are less likely to compare themselves negatively with
others and they are less likely to get angry at others for perceived offenses and
slights.
• Self-esteem is linked to narcissism whereas self-compassion is not. Self-compassion
takes a healthy view of self-esteem.

68
2.12 EXTREME CONFIDENCE: NARCISSISM
Thoughtless
Manipulative Self-Centred
Narcissism
Grandiose Selfish
Conceited
Fig. 2.17 Narcissism
Too much emphasis on confidence and self-esteem can encourage a culture of narcissism
which is harmful to individuals and society as a whole. Just like in any other area of life
moderation is the key. A narcissist is a term used to describe a person who loves themselves
too much, has a sense of entitlement, believe they are special, harbours grossly inflated
opinions of their competence and self-worth, regarding themselves as superior to others.
They love themselves so much that they are incapable of loving others.
Though they may be charming at first, they eventually alienate others by their thoughtless,
self-centred, self-indulgent, selfish, derogatory, and conceited behaviour. A narcissist lies,
cheats and brags about their accomplishments, to make themselves look better in comparison
with others, but this is never enough to convince themselves of their own inadequacy. A
moderate rather than an inflated degree of narcissism is essential for a healthy personality
because we need a sense of self-worth to operate successfully.
Negative characteristics of narcissism include a grandiose sense of self, attention seeking,

arrogance and a belief that they are better than anyone else. They tend to be manipulative,
selfish and unfaithful. Narcissistic people have a need for admiration and a love of power
and prestige. They are prone to insensitively belittle others in order to make themselves feel

69
superior. Consequently, they are unable to engage in meaningful sustained relationships with
others. In extreme cases narcissistic people may be prone to violence and even murder if
they fail to get their needs met on their own terms or their pride is wounded. In 2009 a
New Zealand university lecturer named Clayton Weatherston was convicted of the murder
of his girlfriend. He stabbed her 200 times. A psychiatrist diagnosed him as suffering from
narcissistic personality disorder where rejection triggers an uncontrollable and violent rage.
Similar, murders have been recorded elsewhere throughout the world.
Some people think that the more self-esteem they have the better. In fact, too much self-
esteem can damage the health of others. To succeed in politics as in many areas of life, high
self-esteem is a prerequisite. Dictators and autocrats have high self-esteem combined with a
sense of destiny. There is no doubt that Hitler had a ruthless sense of destiny, righteousness,
fanaticism, tremendous initiative, self-worth and self-esteem but used it destructively to
bring misery and death to millions including his own people. He offered a false sense of
self-esteem to the German people not on the basis of achievement or ethical behaviour but
instead on the fake premise that they were members of the so-called Master Race; an idea
that was appealing and seductive to his followers.
Similarly, his henchmen the Nazi war criminals tried at Nuremberg showed that their
grotesquely inflated self-esteem and hubris prevented them from truly understanding and
feeling the evil that they had perpetrated on Jews and other vulnerable minority groups.
Most of them went to their executions unrepentant for their crimes, pleading that they were
just following orders and doing their duty as patriots and soldiers of the German nation.
In modern times Colonel Gaddafi of Libya was one of the longest serving dictators in history
being in power for 42 years. In 1979 he relinquished the title of prime minister and was
now known as “The Brother Leader” or “The Guide.” This megalomaniac was the author
of state sponsored terrorism, thought nothing of murdering expatriate opposition leaders
and citizens he thought were plotting against him, and amassed a multi-billion fortune for
himself and his family at the expense of the Libyan people. A popular uprising (April 2011)
overthrew him and he met a very ignominious and violent death. Even when dying he
couldn’t believe that his hitherto followers were so ungrateful as to turn violently against him.
People with high self-esteem are more likely to be racist, violent and criminal. Low self-esteem
increases the risk of eating disorders, suicide and depression, but despite the conventional
wisdom is not a factor in delinquency or drug abuse. It seems that young people who value
themselves too much are more likely to get involved in anti-social behaviour with negative
consequences for themselves and others. They like to experiment and thus are more likely to
smoke, drink alcohol, take drugs or engage in early sex resulting in unwanted pregnancies.

70
Unlike those with high self-esteem those with low self-esteem are only likely to harm
themselves. One important exception is that high self-esteem reduces the chances of bulimia
in females although other factors may contribute such as poor body image and negative
comparisons with others. People with low self-esteem may become more materialistic by
investing their time and money in material things to boost their self-esteem. On the other
hand, people with high self-esteem may have an unrealistic view of themselves and are
reluctant to take and follow good advice.
Too much self-esteem may also turn a person into a snob. Some people consider themselves
superior to others because of a better education, social background or prestigious occupation.
A snob is a person who has a tendency to patronise others and treat them with condescension.
Snobs genuinely believe that they are superior than others and do not like to socialise with
those they consider to be their inferiors.
Despite what is generally thought most bullies don’t lack self-esteem. However, they are
more likely to pick on vulnerable insecure people with low self-esteem such as unassertive
shy people who generally are easier to dominate and unlikely to strike back. Those with high
self-esteem are more likely to stand up to bullies to defend themselves and other victims.
In conclusion, a healthy level of self-esteem is obviously good whereas extreme forms of

self-esteem are not and may lead to self-destructive behaviour. It is known that people
with high self-esteem experience more happiness, optimism, and motivation that those
with low self-esteem, as well as less depression, anxiety, and negative mood. On the other
hand, self-compassionate people experience greater emotional resilience and stability than
people with self-esteem. It also, involves less intense self-evaluation, ego-defensiveness, and
self-enhancement than self-esteem. Self-compassionate people do not have to be successful
or feel superior to others in order to experience positive feelings about themselves.

71
2.13 TEN ACTIVITIES TO IMPROVE CONFIDENCE

& SELF-ESTEEM SKILLS
1. When you meet someone for the first time actively engage with them and
consciously focus your attention on them. By thinking about them and less
about yourself you will become more outgoing, less self-conscious, self-absorbed
and self-obsessed.
2. Plan before you attend a social event. Think about who you are likely to meet,
what the subject of conversation is likely to be, what you plan to say and
prepare with these in mind.
3. Familiarise yourself with the basic human rights and assert them appropriately
when you engage others as the need arises.
4. Adopt the empowering beliefs as part of your philosophy of life as listed in this
book.
5. If you feel you are getting too settled in your ways do something unusual to
move you out of your comfort zone. Consider a foreign adventure holiday, a
new hobby, a more challenging job or undertaking an educational qualification.
6. Act like an optimist. Change your outlook and behaviour to become more
optimistic. See opportunities where others see problems. Actively tackle problems
rather than ignore them.
7. List down the positive things you have done in your life to date. Review them
each day to reinforce your optimism and sense of self-esteem, self-worth and
achievement.
8. When confronted with a problem objectively appraise the situation, consider the
alternative solutions, pick the best one in the circumstances, and then take the
appropriate action while considering the likely consequences.
9. Mix with people who have high self-esteem and self-worth. They will give you
a boost to think more positively about yourself and help raise your self-esteem.
Consider the benefits of self-compassion in addition to self-esteem
10. As part of your plan of lifelong learning and self-improvement acquire new
skills as you go through life to build up your sense of self-efficacy. This could
be in any area that interests you such as gardening, photography, astronomy or
computers.

72
CONFIDENCE, BELIEF AND SELF-ESTEEM Acknowledgements
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
The artwork in this text was produced by the author with the aid of Microsoft’s ‘SmartArt’
creatively combined with the clipart facility in the word package. Some of the artwork
was accessed through Google. Known copyright material accessed through Google has
been acknowledged. I will gladly acknowledge any other copyright material brought to my
attention in future editions.

73
CONFIDENCE, BELIEF AND SELF-ESTEEM About the Author
ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Samuel A Malone is a self-employed training consultant, lecturer, moderator, examiner
and author. He has published numerous journal articles in the fields of learning, study
skills, personal development, motivation and management. He is the author of 21 books
published in Ireland, the UK and worldwide on learning, personal development, study skills
and business management. Some of his books have been translated into foreign languages
including Russian, Spanish, Danish and Norwegian, and gone into second editions. His
most recent book (2014) is titled Awaken the Genius Within – A Guide to Lifelong Learning
Skills (Glasnevin Publishing, Dublin). He has a M.Ed. with distinction (in training and
development) from the University of Sheffield and is a qualified Chartered Management
Accountant (ACMA), Chartered Global Management Accountant (CGMA) and a Chartered
Secretary (ACIS) and a member of the Irish Institute of Industrial Engineers. He is a Fellow
of the Irish Institute of Training and Development (FIITD).
Previous books published by the author include Why Some People Succeed and Others Fail
(Glasnevin Publishing, Dublin), Learning about Learning (CIPD, London), A Practical Guide
to Learning in the Workplace (The Liffey Press, Dublin), Better Exam Results (Elsevier/
CIMA, London) and Mind Skills for Managers (Gower, Aldershot, UK) and How to Set
Up and Manage a Corporate Learning Centre (Gower, Aldershot, UK). The last two books
become best sellers for Gower in their training and business categories. Better Exam Results
proved to be a best seller for Elsevier/CIMA and is still in print 30 years after its earliest
incarnation. Most of his books are available online from Amazon.co.uk.
The author’s latest books have been published online by bookboon.com in 2018 namely:
• The Role of the Brain in Learning

• How Adults Learn
• Learning Models and Styles
• Experiential Learning
• Learning with Technology
• The Ultimate Success Factor
• Series of Books on People Skills for Managers
• Series of Books on Creativity Skills for Managers
• Series of Books on Training Models for learning facilitators

74
CONFIDENCE, BELIEF AND SELF-ESTEEM References and Bibliography
REFERENCES AND BIBLIOGRAPHY

Grant, Heidi, PhD. (2012). To Succeed, Forget Self-Esteem. http://hbr.org/2012/09/to-
succeed-forget-self-esteem.html
Malone, Samuel A. (2011). Why Some People Succeed and Others Fail. Glasnevin Publishing,
Dublin.
Neff, Kristin, D. (2011). Self-Compassion, Self-Esteem, and Well-Being. Journal of Personality
Psychology Compass 5/1, 1-12, 10.1111/j
http://atlassociety.org/objectivism/atlas-university/deeper-dive-blog/3702-is-high-self-
este..2/25/2019

75

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1 Confidence and self-belief 8

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2 Optimism and self-esteem 40

About the Author 74

References and Bibliography 75

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Self-esteem, self-worth, self-control, self-responsibility and confidence are interlinked. Self-

Samuel A Malone

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1 CONFIDENCE AND SELF-BELIEF

1.1 WHAT IS CONFIDENCE?

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1.2 CONFIDENCE AND CHARISMA

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Comprehension Attention Memory Emotions

Fig. 1.1 CAME model of charisma

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1.3 WHY CONFIDENCE MATTERS

LACK OF CONFIDENCE AND SHYNESS

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1.4 BECOMING MORE CONFIDENT

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STRATEGIES FOR OVERCOMING SHYNESS

Fig. 1.3 Overcoming shyness

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“Self-confidence is knowing that we have the capacity to do something

YOU CAN’T BE CONFIDENT ALL THE TIME

Fig. 1.4. Introverted versus Extroverted

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1.5 WHERE DOES CONFIDENCE COME FROM?

THE SUCCESS CYCLE

Further Cycle Successful

Fig.1.5 Cycle of Success

“You have brains in your head.

You have feet in your shoes.

You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.

You’re on your own.

And you know what you know.

You are the guy who’ll decide where to go.”

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EXERCISING YOUR RIGHTS

1.6 CONFIDENCE AND COMPETENCE

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Fig. 1.6 Competence model

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Positive Attitude Encouragement

Fig. 1.7 COPE model of self-efficacy

1. Cumulative. True confidence comes from the gradual accumulation of self-

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Fig. 1.8 Self-Belief

“Keep your dreams alive. Understand to achieve anything requires faith

1.9 EMPOWERING BELIEFS

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Positive Learn from

Fig. 1.9 Important Empowering Beliefs

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© Deloitte & Touche LLP and affiliated entities.

Deloitte & Touche LLP and affiliated entities.