6 steps to ending a toxic friendship

They say breaking up is hard to do. Ending a relationship with a significant other is hard enough;
but if you've ever tried to end a friendship you know how seemingly impossible it feels. With
so much history between the two of you, it often feels easier to stay in a bad friendship -- putting
up with drama, competition and unhealthy situations -- because you're afraid of how your friend
might react or that she may share your secrets. But ending a friendship that isn't working can be
done.

Loraine Smith-Hines, author of Toxic Friends: A Practical Guide to Recognizing and Dealing
with an Unhealthy Friendship (Foxglove, 2010), offers six tips for breaking free from an
unhealthy friendship and putting yourself first once and for all.

1. Accept reality
The first step to ending an unhealthy friendship is to acknowledge the truth about your toxic
friend and stop justifying and rationalizing her behaviours. "Realize that you can't change your
toxic friend or her behaviour, but that you can change your own behaviour," says Smith-Hines.

The ways that you react and respond to your friend's behaviour is very important. If you've made
excuses for her ill treatment in the past, it's time to stop. Friendship is a choice, and you do not
have to continue spending time with someone who isn't good for you, advises Smith-Hines.

2. Be clear with your intentions

While it might sound daunting, you need to be honest and straightforward when telling your
friend that you no longer want to spend time with her. Tell her straight out that you intend to
end your friendship, no matter how hard it may seem. Whether or not she believes you is
irrelevant.

"It may take several attempts to end a toxic friendship, but if your goal is to remove the
negativity from your life, keep trying until you're successful," says Smith-Hines. It is important
to use "I" statements and to let your friend know that your decision has been made. Since there is
likely a lot of history between you and your friend, you owe it to her to let her know that you are
going to be taking a step back.

3. Identify your role in the relationship

"Take a look in the mirror and acknowledge your own unhealthy behaviours," says Smith-Hines.
"Your friend may be toxic, but it takes two to tango." She suggests identifying your role in the
demise of the relationship.

"Sometimes it's difficult to see our own faults because we can't get past the hurt, pain or anger
we may be feeling," she adds. Acknowledging your faults and your role in the negative aspects
of the relationship will make it easier to identify and correct these patterns so they don't seep into
other relationships.

4. Choose a way to end it

Based on your individual circumstances, decide how you want to end the friendship. Smith-
Hines suggests one of two different ways: either quitting cold turkey or weaning and letting the
relationship fade away.

"Weaning worked for me," says Smith-Hines, whose toxic relationship with a former friend led
her to write her book. "I methodically decreased my communication and methods of
communicating with her, spending time with her and doing things for her."

Expect that ending your friendship will be painful. You might even miss your former friend at
times, but it's important to stick to your word. If you teeter-totter with ending the friendship, your
friend won't take you seriously.

5. Forgive
Forgive your toxic friend, either to her face or in your heart. You need to have forgiveness to
finally let go, says Smith-Hines. "You must find it in your heart to forgive her for whatever you
feel she has done to you. Forgiving her is the key to your own personal healing," she explains.
Forgiving your former friend doesn't mean forgetting what happened, but it will keep you from
dwelling on your hurt or her drama any longer.

6. Give yourself time to grieve

Allow yourself time to grieve after the loss of a friendship, advises Smith-Hines. Feeling sad or
upset is completely natural. The length of time it takes a person to grieve is very personal. Smith-
Hines suggests familiarizing yourself with the steps of the grieving process. "By the time I had
decided to completely end my toxic friendship, I had already experienced several steps," she
says.

In order to lead a healthy, full life, you need to remove toxic people from it. Be aware of red
flags in your friendships. "If something doesn't feel right, it's more than likely not right. Pay
attention to your intuition," says Smith-Hines. If you decide to end a friendship, don't put it off.
The longer you hold on, the more you are to blame for accepting treatment that brings you down.

7 Ways To Cut A Toxic Friend Out Of Your Life

Plus, what to say when it’s officially over.

A housewife talking on the telephone in the kitchen gasps. Experts explain how to get rid of a toxic...

Harold M. Lambert/Archive Photos/Getty Images

By Kat George and Jay Polish

Updated: July 21, 2021

Originally Published: July 9, 2015

You’ve always disagreed with your old college roommate on things like whether Black Widow is
magnificent, trash, or magnificent trash. But lately, the bickering you thought was just part of your
friendship has been feeling a lot like “this person is constantly putting me down.” You realize it’s time to
end things, but knowing how to cut a toxic friend out of your life and actually doing it are two very
different creatures.

“Ending a relationship is never easy, but sometimes it may be necessary for your personal well-being,”
says Claudia Sigala, L.C.S.W., a psychotherapist with the mental health provider Alma. One key to
navigating how to get rid of a toxic friend is prioritizing your relationship with yourself, Sigala explains.
Even when the friendship has become toxic, she tells Bustle that cutting off a friend will likely lead to
some kind of grief — so carve out space for having big feelings while you’re planning to have a difficult
conversation.

As for what to actually say to a close friend who’s about to become an ex-friend, Sigala says that every
relationship and situation is different — so you’ll have to take your personal circumstances into account
first and foremost. But in general, here are seven guidelines for how to get rid of a toxic friend.

Gather The Inner Circle

“In healthy friendships, it’s important to know that we can ask for what we need, and trust that it will be
received,” says clinical psychologist Jamie Goldstein, Psy.D., the therapy experience lead for mental
health platform Coa. But if you’re at the point where even asking to get Indian food instead of burgers
makes your former bestie send you on the guilt trip of the decade, you know that this conversation
won’t be easy.

To help yourself prepare, consider calling up your actual — non-toxic — friends. “It’s not about ganging
up on someone,” says Mara, 32, who tells Bustle that she’s had to end more than one toxic friendship in
her day. “When I need to cut someone off, I plan a post-convo hangout with people who aren’t mutual
friends and therefore are removed from the situation. That way, I can get the support I need without
adding extra drama.” She’s done a lot of crying each time she’s gone through a friendship breakup, she
says, and her real friends were there for her each time.

Don't Be Sentimental

You’ve been constantly agitated by your friend for months, but is that worth ending a decade-long
friendship over? “When friends are not accountable for how they are showing up in the relationship, it
becomes harder and harder to reciprocate the positive parts of friendship like support, understanding,
and quality time spent together,” Goldstein says. Even so, when you’re about to call it quits, it might be
tempting to second guess yourself as you call to mind the good old days.
Every friendship, no matter how toxic it is, has its good moments — that Taylor Swift concert that
neither of you will admit to loving comes to mind. But nostalgia can make it a lot harder to do what you
have to do and walk away. Leave that TSwift concert in the past, and look forward to Comic Con with
your non-toxic friends instead.

Be Honest

If you don’t want to get into a major conversation, you don’t have to bare your entire soul during the
imminent friend breakup. “Many times the relationship can be repaired through healthy
communication, allowing all individuals in the relationship to express themselves and feel heard,” Sigala
tells Bustle. And part of that healthy communication is getting real when it’s just not working.

Be honest with yourself, and with your soon-to-be ex-friend. Phasing out the friend you used to message
every day is going to drag itself out longer than you’d like it to. Plus, it’ll send the same kind of mixed
signals that you wish your friend would stop giving you. Instead of pushing off the inevitable, opt for a
clear, clean-cut break-up convo. “I’m ready to move on from our friendship” and “It would be better for
me if we don’t talk anymore” aren’t mean things to say — they’re just you being real.

Delete & Block

You don’t owe anyone a follow on Instagram, even if you’ve been connected online since the days of
Myspace. If you’ve ended a toxic friendship, staying up to date on their social is only going to do more
harm than good.

“When old friendships just fade, staying vaguely connected on social media is nice,” says Justin, 29, who
ended two toxic friendships during the pandemic. “But when you’re leaving someone’s life because
they’ve been awful to you, the block button becomes your new best friend.” It might seem harsh, they
acknowledge, but Justin says that the more cruel thing to do is torture yourself by staring at photos of
your ex-friend and their new bestie.

Make A Conscious Effort To Make New Friends

When you end a romantic relationship, people around you will often urge you to date again. The same
goes with breaking up with a toxic friend. Find new friends, or invest more time in healthy, existing
friendships. “Find activities and reconnect with friends and family who help you feel good about yourself
as a way to increase self-esteem,” Sigala advises.

Don't Re-engage
Your first instinct might be to reach out in anger when a mutual friend says that your ex-pal is talking
crap behind your back. But whether it’s a series of “I miss you” texts or rumors that they’re telling
everyone what a terrible person you are, experts advise against responding.

“Honestly, I’ve been the toxic friend a couple times in college,” Justin admits. “I’ve sent those pissed off
‘why would you leave me like this’ texts to friends who cut me off.” The situations always got worse
when people responded to them, but when their old friends ignored them, it helped them heal. They
imagine it also helped their former friends get peace of mind, too. “So don’t feel like a jerk for ignoring
those puppy-eyed guilt texts — the best thing you can do is let it go.”

Put Yourself First

Chances are, throughout the toxic friendship, you were used to putting the needs of your friend first,
potentially sacrificing your own happiness and needs. In order to truly cut someone out of your life you
need to be prepared to put yourself first, for once. “After ending the relationship, I recommend
investing in your healing,” Sigala advises. It might not feel intuitive at first, but shedding the weight of a
toxic relationship will give you a lot more brainspace to just do you.