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EPISODE 10
(The green, lush Devon countryside. Theme music. There are trees in the
background perhaps and the camera is tracking along the hedgerow along a road.
We see a head whizzing along, sometimes just above the hedgerow and sometimes
bobbing down out of sight.... occasionally for long periods.
Mr. Pither, the cyclist, bobs up and down a few more times, then disappears
from sight. There is a crash and clang of a bicycle in collision, mixed with
the scream of a frightened hen, and stifled shout of alarm. We are still in
long shot and see nothing. The music stops abruptly on the crash.)
Pither (Voice Over): August 18th. Fell off near Bovey Tracey. The pump
caught in my trouser leg, and my sandwiches were badly crushed.
Pither: The pump caught in my trouser leg, and my sandwiches were badly
crushed.
Prop: 35p. (He goes back to working the machine).
Pither: These sandwiches, however, were an excellent substitute.
(Lorry driver looks at him without interest, goes off with his cigarettes)
Pither: It's funny how one can go through life, as I have, disliking bananas
and being indifferent to cheese, and then be able to eat, and enjoy, a
banana and cheese sandwich like that.
Prop: 35p please. (A juke box starts up in the background)
Pither: Ah! I have only a 50. Do you have change?
Prop. (with heavy sarcasm): Well I'll have a look, but I may have to ring the
bank.
Pither: I'm most awfully sorry.
Prop: 15p.
Pither: Oh, that was lucky. Well, all the very best.
(Pither proffers his hand. Prop. ignores it)
Thank you for the excellent banana and cheese sandwich.
(He exits busily. Prop. looks after him, shakes his head, and absent-mindedly
opens a sandwich and flicks ash in, and closes it up again.)
(Cut to hedgerows. Theme music. Pither's head bobbing up and down. At the
same point in the music.... it disappears and there is a crash mingled with
grunting of pig.)
(Cut to a woman gardening. Behind her we see Pither's head peering over the
hedge.)
(Lady gardener goes back into house. Pither waits for a few moments)
Pither (shouting): What do *you* keep your hard-boiled eggs in? (No reaction)
I think in future I shall lash them to the handlebars with
adhesive tape. That should obviate a recurrence of the
same problem...well I can't stop here all day...must get
on...I'm on a cycling tour of Cornwall.
(Cut to hedgerows again. Pither's head bowling along. Theme music. He dips
out of sight. Crash and a cow moos.)
Pither (V.O.): Aug. 26th. Fell off near Ottery St. Mary. The pump caught in
my trouser leg. Decide to wear short trousers from now on.
(Cut to another hedgerow. Pither's head bowling along. Short burst of music.
Crash.)
Pither (V.O.): Fell off near Tiverton. Perhaps a shorter pump is the answer.
(Cut to a tiny village high street, deserted save for an old lady. Pither
cycles into shot, carefully parks his bike by the kerb. He is in shorts, but
still has his bicycle clips on. He takes them off and approaches the old
lady.)
Pither: Excuse me, madam, can you tell me of a good bicycle shop in this
village, where I could find either some means of adapting my present
pump, or, failing that, purchase a replacement?
Old lady: There's only one shop here.
The camera shows the shop only for a couple of seconds and pans
back to the old lady and Pither.)
Pither: What a stroke of luck. Now perhaps cycling will become less
precarious.
Doctor: Yes?
Nurse: (sticking her head around the door): There's a Mr. Pither to see you,
Doctor. His bicycle pump got caught in his sock.
Doctor: Alright, nurse, send him in.
Doctor: Morning.
Pither: A very good morning to you too, Doctor
Doctor: I gather you had an accident?
Pither: Yes, my pump got...
Doctor: ...caught in your sock.
Pither: Yes, and my fruit cake was damaged on one side.
Doctor: Well...
Pither: It's got grit all over it.
Doctor: Well now, are you in pain? (reaching round for his stethoscope and
coming around desk)
Pither: Oh heavens no.
Doctor: Well where were you hurt?
Pither: I escaped without injury fortunately.
(Pause)
Doctor: Well what is the trouble?
Pither: Could you tell me the way to Iddesley?
Doctor: I'm a doctor, you know.
Pither: Oh yes. Under normal circumstances I would have asked a policeman or
a minister of the Church, but finding no one available, I thought it
better to consult a man with some qualifications, rather than rely on
the possibly confused testimony of a passer-by.
Doctor: Oh alright. (He scribbles something on a piece of paper and hands it
to Pither) Take this to a chemist.
Pither: Thank you.
(Ching of door. Chemist comes out holding the paper and points up the street.
Pither thanks him and mounts his bike.
Cut to the hedgerows again. Pither's head. Theme music...reaches the point
where Pither normally falls off...his head disappears, the music cuts off...
no crash...suddenly Pither's head reappears further on and the music starts up
again)
Pither (V.O.): Sept 2nd. Did not fall off outside Iddesley.
(Cut to a small market town. Line of cars. Pither's head just above the roofs
of cars. Theme music. He suddenly disappears, the music stops and there is a
crash.)
Pither: My leg got caught in my trousers and that's how the bottle broke.
Girl: Tell her today, you could ring her.
Man: I can't. I can't.
Pither: I said you'd never guess.
Man: 16 years we've been together. I can't just ring her up.
Girl: If you can't do it now, you never will.
Pither: Do you like Tizer?
Man (to Pither): What? No. No.
Girl: Do you want me or not? It's your decision, James.
Pither: I suppose it is still available in this area?
Girl: Do you want me or not, James?
Man: What?
Pither: Tizer.
Girl: Yes or no.
Pither: Is it still available in this area?
Man (to Pither): I don't know.
Girl: In that case it's goodbye for ever, James.
Man: No! I mean yes!
Pither: Oh it is?
Man (to Pither): No.
Girl: You never *could* make up your mind.
Man: I can.... I have....
Girl (taking off ring): Goodbye James. (She runs out sobbing.)
Man: No wait, Lucille!
Pither: And does your lovely daughter like Tizer?
Man: Lucille!
Pither: I wouldn't mind buying *her* a bottle of Tizer.... if it's available
in this area, that is.
Man (turning on Pither): Would you like me to show you the door?
Pither: Well that's extremely thoughtful of you, but I saw it on the way in.
Man: You stupid, interfering little rat.
Pither: Oh! The very words of the garage mechanic in Bude!
(The man picks Pither up by the scruff of the neck and the seat of his pants.
He carries him bodily towards the door.)
Pither: I had just fallen off...and my cheese tartlet had become embedded in
the...
Man: Damn your cheese tartlet! And damn you, sir!
Pither: ...dynamo hub... which was not at that time functioning...
(Cut to ext. of pub. Pither picks himself up. Sees girl outside sobbing.)
(Girl bursts into further tears. Whistling cheerfully, Pither gets on his
bicycle and, happier than he has been for a long time, he cycles off down the
road and round a corner. Sounds of car tyre screech and crash of Pither going
straight into a car.)
(Cut to interior of car speeding along highway. Pither is sitting in the back
seat with his bicycle. The driver, Mr Gulliver, is a bespectacled young man.
He talks with a professional precision.)
Pither: Yes...my rubber instep caught on the rear mud-guard stanchion and...
Gulliver: Really? And what happened to your corned beef rolls?
Pither: They were squashed out of all recog... here just a minute. How did
you know about the corned beef rolls?
Gulliver: I saw them - or what remained of them - on the road. I noticed also
that the lemon curd tart had sustained some superficial damage.
Pither: The curd had become...
Gulliver: Detached from the pastry base.
Pither (with some surprise): Yes.... that's absolutely right!
Gulliver: Otherwise the contents of the sandwich box were relatively unharmed,
though I detected small particles of bitumen in the chocolate cup
cakes.
Pither: But they were wrapped in foil!
Gulliver: Not the hard chocolate top, I'm afraid.
Pither: Oh dear, that's the bit I liked.
Gulliver: The ginger biscuit, the crisps and the sausage roll were unharmed.
Pither: How do you know so much about cycling?
Gulliver: I'm making a special study of accidents involving food.
Pither: Really?
Gulliver: Do you know that in our laboratories we have produced a cheese
sandwich that can withstand an impact of 4,000 lbs per square inch?
Pither: Good heavens!
Gulliver: Amazing, isn't it? We have also developed a tomato which ejects
itself when an accident is imminent.
Pither: Even if it's inside am egg and tomato roll?
Gulliver: Anywhere! Even if it's in your stomach, and it senses an accident
it will come up your throat and out of the window. Do you realise
what this means?
Pither: Safer food?
Gulliver: Exactly! No longer will food be damaged, crushed or squashed by the
ignorance and stupidity of the driver! (Becoming slightly messianic)
Whole picnics will be built to survive the most enormous forces!
Snacks will be stronger than ever! An ordinary pot of salad cream,
treated in our laboratories, has been subjected to the force of a
9,000 lb steam hammer every day for the last 6 years. And has it
broken?
Pither: Er....
Gulliver: Yes, of course it has! But there are other things that haven't!....
the safety straps for sardines for instance.
(A tomato leaps up out of the glove compartment and hovers, then it ejects
itself out of the car window)
Pither (V.O.): What a strange turn this cycling tour has taken. Mr Gulliver
appears to have lost his memory and far from being interested in safer food is
now convinced that he is Clodagh Rogers the young girl singer. I am taking him
for medical attention.
(Cut to Pither and Gulliver cycling into hospital. Sign: "North Cornwall
District Hospital".)
(Cut to nurse receptionist at counter with glass window which lifts up and
down. Above window small notice: "Casualty Admissions". Pither appears)
(Noise of splintering wood and crash out of view. Pither and nurse look up.
Cut away to three benches under large 4 ft sign "Casualty". The front bench
has collapsed in the middle and half a dozen or so patients sitting on it have
slid into a heap in the middle. Some with scalded hands, bandages etc. some
with bloody heads. A negro nurse is on her way to assist. Cut back to Pither
and nurse.)
(Terrific crash. Cut to trolley on its side, and a bandaged patient under a
mound of hospital instruments and a nurse standing looking down)
Nurse: Sh!
Pither: ...and was cycling north in...
Nurse: Where were you injured?
Pither: Just where the A397 Ilfracombe road meets the...
Nurse: No - on your body...
Pither: Ah no... it's not I who was injured, it's my friend.
(Nurse scowls, crumples up paper... and throws it away. The piece of paper
hits a smallish cabinet of glass which topples forward.)
(Cut to doctor on top of step ladder, unloading whisky from a crate balanced on
top of ladders into a medicine cupboard already stacked with whisky bottles.
Doctor whips round knocking off the crate of whisky.)
Doctor: What? Damn!
(Gulliver and Pither rush out of doors of Casualty Dept. They slam the door.
Casualty sign drops on the heads of the people on the third bench.)
Pither (V.O.): Sept 4th. Well I never. We are now in the Alpes Maritimes
region of Southern France. Clodagh seems more intent on reaching Moscow than
on rehearsing her new BBC1 series with Buddy Rich and the Younger Generation.
(Gulliver enters the scene. His head is still bandaged but he has a goatee
beard.)
Pither: Hallo!
Gulliver: We cannot stay here. We must leave immediately. There is a ship at
Marseilles.
Pither: I did enjoy your song for Europe, Clodagh.
Gulliver: I have seen an agent in the town. My life is in danger.
Pither: Danger, Clodagh?
Gulliver: Stalin has always hated me.
Pither: No one hates you, Clodagh.
Gulliver: I will not let myself fall into the hands of these scum.
Pither: I suggest you have a little lie down, my dear. There is a busy day
of concerts and promotional visits tomorrow.
Gulliver: I. One of the founders of the greatest nation on earth. I! Who
Lenin called his greatest friend.
Pither: Oh dear.
Gulliver: I! who have fought and suffered that our people should live.
(Happy shouts from off as two small froggies in their teens appear in pyjamas
with autograph books and run up to Gulliver. Gen. offers her book to
Gulliver.)
Gulliver: Lenin. My friend. I come. (He dashes off into the forest
possessed.)
Pither (aux Bruns): Oh excuse me, she's not very well you know, pressure of
work, laryngitis... (He gets on his bike and pedals off
hurriedly after Gulliver into the forest.)
M. Brun (still reminiscing): Et Kerensky avec le 'Little White Bull'.
Mme. Brun: Formidable.
(Cut to a few quick shots of Gulliver dashing through the trees and then of
Pither making much slower progress due to his bike.)
(Cut to a shot possibly of two frogs in a signal box, but probably a mundane
setting and it's not worth wasting too much time on, of Gulliver passing within
sight of the two aforesaid frogs, F1 and F2.)
(Cut to Russian street. Pither cycles along with Gulliver, looking like
Trotsky, on the back.)
Pither (V.O.): After several days I succeeded in tracking down my friend Mr.
Gulliver to the outskirts of Smolensk.
(Cut to military man in studio. He has a large map of Europe and Russia and a
stick with which he raps at the places.)
Military man: Smolensk. 200 miles west of Minsk. 200 north of Kursk. 1500
miles west of Omsk.
Pither (V.O.): Anyway, as we were so far from home, and as Mr. Gulliver, still
believing himself to be Trotsky, was very tired from haranguing the masses all
the way from Monte Carlo,
(By the end of this speech, they are leaving the bicycle on the kerb and
entering a door with the sign "Y.M.A.C.A." over it, looking like a Y.M.C.A.
sign. Over this...)
Pither (by now standing at the reception desk with Gulliver): Go away. (To
departing desk clerk). No not you. A single room for my friend please.
Desk clerk: Yes, sir. Bugged or unbugged?
Gulliver (as Trotsky): I think I'd feel happier with a bugged one.
Desk Clerk: One bugged with bath.
(As Gulliver starts to sign the register, Pither starts to leave. He says...)
Pither: Have a nice lie down. I'm just off to the Embassy. (He goes.)
(Mix through to interior... smoke and incense about. A picture of the queen
is dimly visible on the back wall. A Chinaman approaches.)
(Robinson reappears, with drink and plate of pastries. He puts them down.)
Atkinson: Ah, Mr. Rutherford, saki and bakewells tart.
(Hands glass of Saki to Pither.)
Atkinson: Well, old chap. Buttocks up!
Pither: Rather. (They drink.)
Atkinson: Now then Mr... er...
Pither: Pither.
Atkinson: Pither ah yes... fine old English name. My father he Pither, and
mother she Pither... all flends Pither... Now we Blitish here in
Smolensk velly intellested in playing clicket.
Pither: Cricket?
Atkinson: No... you not speak English velly wells. We like play *clicket* - not
clicket - clicket...clicketty click...housey housey...Bingo.
Pither: Oh... Bingo...
Atkinson: Yes. Bingo.
Robinson: Bingo.
Atkinson (trying to get a grip on himself): Bingo.
Robinson: Bingo! Bingo!
(Hammering on door.)
Chinese V.O.s: Bingo Bingo Bingo! (etc)
(There is a sudden silence from the invisible hordes below, except for slightly
shocked muttering. Atkinson turns, and goes back inside. Cut back to
interior. Atkinson stalks in looking grim.)
Robinson: Nihi *watai* bingo cards?
Atkinson: Nihi *watai*!
Robinson: Ah so... (he bows and falls back obediently.)
(Chinese are climbing over the balcony. Cut to stock film of Chinese hordes
rioting.)
Hordes: Bingo! Bingo! Bingo!
(Cut to worried Director reading script: 'I'm sorry, News, I'd like to do it,
but...')
(cut to stock film of train wheels in the night. The siren sounds.)
CAPTION: PETROGRAD.
CAPTION: OTTOGRAD.
CAPTION: LEWGRAD.
CAPTION: LESLIEGRAD.
CAPTION: ETCETERAGRAD.
CAPTION: DUKHOVSKOKNABILEBSKOHATSK.
CAPTION: MOSCVA.
*FIRST RUSSIAN HALL SET SCENE*
(C.U. Hammer and sickle flag. Pull out to reveal the stage of a big Russian
hall. A banner reads "U.S.S.R. 42nd annual clambake". At one side of the
stage sits an impressive table on a dais. At the table are very important
Russian persons. At a bank of mikes in centre stage a general is orating.
Pither sits on one side of the stage with his bike propped up against his
chair.)
(The guards seize the startled Pither and drag him away. The senior general
strides back across the stage.)
General 2 (to boss general): Shall I seize *him*, sir? (indicates Gulliver)
Boss G.: Wait, I think he's going down well.
(Interior of Empty Prison Cell. Pither is in cell writing diary. Sign behind:
'Condemned cell'.)
Pither (V.O.): April 26th. Thrown into Russian cell. Severely damaged my
Mars bar. Shall I ever see Bude Bus station again? Shall I
ever...
(Two guards enter)
Oh excuse me...
(Guards grab him and lead him out of cell.)
(Cut to exterior film of door leading out into prison yard. The door is thrown
open and Pither is marched over and stood against a blank wall. There are lots
of small holes in the wall, if Roger has time to drill them (!))
Pither (V.O.): What a pleasant exercise yard. How friendly they were all
being.
Officer: Cigarette?
Pither: No thank you I don't smoke.
(Cut to shot from behind Pither, including his back to see him facing a line of
uniformed men with guns, obviously a firing squad. At that moment a regular
slow measured drum beat starts, like the cliche.)
Officer: Blindfold?
Pither (very cheerful): No thank you.
Officer (stepping clear): Slowotny.
(Firing squad snaps to attention.)
Officer: Gridenwa. (Clicking of bolts.)
(Cut to shot of firing squad and the officer, his front is to the camera.)
Officer: Verschnitzen.
(They raise their rifles pointing in the direction of Pither, who is in shot..
The drum starts to roll. Officer raises his arm. We hear running footsteps
approaching, and shouting Russian. Officer waits. A Russian soldier runs in
waving a telegram. he runs up and hands it to the officer.)
Officer (opens it and reads): It's from the Kremlin, the Central Committee!
It says "Carry on with the execution".
Officer: Verschnitzen! (They raise their rifles.)
Pither (V.O.): Now I was really for it.
(Cut to shot of officer with his hand raised, the same shot as before, only
without Pither in shot. Drum rolls again. He brings his sword down, (we need
a sword); volley of shots from the firing squad. Officer is looking in
Pither's direction. Long pause.)
(The guards race in and take him out. The door left open. We hear shouted
instructions. Drum roll then stop. Then a volley of shots. Pause. Sound of
feet coming back.
Officer: Next time. Definitely! (To guard as he leaves) Now then, how many
of them are injured? Oh God...
(Close on Pither. Outside we hear odd shots and muffled curses from officer.)
Pither (V.O.): As I lay dwon to the sound of the Russian gentlemen practising
their shooting, I realised I was in a bit of a pickle. My heart sank as I
realised I should never see the Okehampton by-pass again... (he lies down)
(...we close on his sleeping face then we ripple and mix through to film of his
sleeping face, waking up, shaking himself in disbelief at finding himself in a
beautiful garden, with the sun shining, the birds singing, he is in a deck
chair, and his mother having poured him a jug of iced fruit juice, is gently
nudging Pither to wake him.)
(The guards race in and take him out. The door left open. We hear shouted
instructions. Drum roll then stop. Then a volley of shots. Pause.
(Music?) Pither is thrown back into the cell followed by the officer.)
Officer: Next time. Definitely! (To guard as he leaves) Now then, how many
of them are injured? Oh god...
(Close up on Pither.)
(Officer enters.)
Officer: O.K. We're going to have another try. I think we've got it now. My
boys have all been looking down the wrong bit, see.
Pither: No, no, they want to look down this bit.
Officer: Oh I thought it was that bit.
Pither: No no this bit, otherwise you won't hit anything.
Officer: Alright, we'll give it a whirl. Seize him guards.
(They take him out.)
Officers (V.O.): Here, come here. You've got to look down this bit.
(We zoom into and mix through the poster on the wall, and the large name of
Eartha Kitt.)
(Mix through to stock film of the Kremlin. We dub over laughter and applause.
Cheerful band sting. Mix through to stage where someone dressed as Marshall
Bulganin is standing with a little real ventriloquist's dummy. He gets up and
takes his bow, walks off as the curtain swings down. Lots of applause and
atmosphere. Terrible Russian compere comes on from the wings smiling and
applauding.)
Compere: Osledi Osledi. (He tells quick joke in Russian, and roars with
laughter, laughter from audience.) (Holds up his hands, and then becomes very
sincere, saying obviously deeply moving, wonderful things about the next guest.
He finally introduces...)
(He backs off. The opening bars of "Let's do it" on (RCA Ints. 10 30 Eartha
Kitt, C'est si bon") are played. Gulliver dressed as Eartha Kitt slinks onto
the stage, the music stops. He speaks like...)
Voices say: "Niet Eartha Kitt" "Es Edward Heath" "Who?" "Der Premier Poofski
dos Britannia" etc. "Ah, Edward Heath, capitalist pig".
Gulliver (as Heath): We shall not shirk our responsibilities, nor desert our
principles.
(Cut to audience.)
Russian: It's Clodagh Rogers.
Other Russian: No, it's Edward Heath.
Another Russian: Sing "Old fashioned girl".
Gulliver: ...We shall remain united, in our determination...
Russians are shouting: Sing Old Fashioned girl. Old Fashioned girl. Old
Fashioned girl.
(The fruit is now so thick, that it is impossible for him to continue. At this
moment a piece of fruit thrown from the audience hits him in the head (possibly
an arty shot in slow motion). The word 'Tchaikowsky' echoes around as we hold
a close shot of him, indicating that he is reverting to being really Gulliver
again. He looks at a piece of fruit in his hand that has landed on him.)
Gulliver (in original voice as used in car): Well that turnip's certainly not
safe. (He looks up and becomes more aware of his surroundings.) Good heavens.
What's going on? Mr Pither, Mr Pither!?
(At this point it is becoming precarious on stage -- some Russians are coming
across the footlights and the shouting is very angry -- so he turns tail and
runs off the stage).
Pither: Yes.
(Gulliver hears it, reacts and in the nick of time leaps onto a car and up and
over the wall as his pursuers turn into the street. Low angle shot from other
side of wall of Gulliver dropping over it. He lands.)
Pither: Gulliver.
Gulliver: Pither! What a stroke of luck.
Pither: Well yes and no. (He indicates with his head.)
(Cut to show that both of them are standing in front of a firing squad. The
officer is heard as before.)
(With a terrifying clank the bayonets are fixed. Gulliver and Pither cower,
terror on their faces.)
Officer: Squad! Charge!
(Cut to Cornish country lane. A road sign says 'Tavistock 12 miles'. Pither
stands beneath with Gulliver and his bicycle.)
Pither: Phew, what an amazing escape.
Gulliver: Quite agree.
Pither: Well goodbye, Reginald.
Gulliver: Goodbye... George.
(They shake hands, Gulliver strides off. Pither mounts his bike and rides off
into the sunset. Music swells.)