JOKES York; and I'm not moving.

"
Why?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant
have monkeys and apes? asked
Final Countdown the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. woman,
asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again,
A Bad Day
the blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to
There's a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He
New
stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making
York, and I'm not moving."
truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy,
and just drinks it all down.
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain
what he
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and
on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I I know how
just can't stand seeing a man crying." to handle this."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall
asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage,
fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it
was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab
to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my
wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives
away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in
bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar.
And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life,
you show up and drink my poison..."
JOKES
The Earring
Morris is at work one day when he notices that his co-
worker,
Joe, is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker
to be a
normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his
sudden
change in "fashion sense."
"Hey Joe," he yells out, "I didn't know you were into
earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal out of it. It's only an earring,"
says Joe sheepishly.
"No, really," probes Morris, "How long have you been
wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in our bed."
The Skeleton
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been
taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The
purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
The Moon
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even
deader."
JOKES
A Blonde On A Plane
On a plane bound for New York a flight attendant
approached
a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that
she move to coach since she did not have a first class
ticket.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to
New
He went to the first class section and whispered in the
blonde's ear.
She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section
mumbling to
herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what
he said
to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He
said,
"I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
JOKES
Who's Smarter?
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball
into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a
trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will
grant
you 3 wishes." She did and the frog said, "Thank you, but I
failed to
mention that there is a condition to your wishes. Whatever
you wish
for, your husband will get 10 times more!"
The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she
wanted to be
the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will
also make
your husband the most handsome man in the world, and
women will flock
to him."
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the
most beautiful
woman, and he will only have eyes for me." So, BANG -
she became the
most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman
in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest
man in the
world, and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay because what's mine is his
and what's
his is mine." So, BANG - she became the richest woman in
the world!
The frog asked her what she would like for her third wish.
She said, JOKES
"I'd like a mild heart attack."
Herbal Medications: Progressing With Time?
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with
them. 2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
JOKES 1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this
Milk potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow. 1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this
antibiotic.
Jeweler And Jailer 2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

Q. What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailer? Diagnosis

A. One sells watches and the other watches cells.
Perfect Couple
A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him,
"If you were my husband I would poison your drink."
The man replied, "If you were my wife I would drink it."
JOKES
Pilot
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show
who
was boss on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first
time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of
making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess
who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied:
"Guess where!"
Life after death
Three good friends were driving along on the highway one
Saturday:
a doctor, a teacher, and a lawyer. All of a sudden, a brand-
new truck
cut them off. In an attempt to miss the big vehicle, the
driver swerved
to the left and hit the median. The car flipped several times
and all
three friends died instantly.
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office
alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe
stress disorder.
If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at
all times.
For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare
an especially
nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't
discuss your
problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No
nagging.
And most importantly, make love with your husband
several times a week.
If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think
your husband
will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did
the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
Wrong Choice
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

They all found themselves in the line waiting to get into

Heaven. The doctor
asked the others, "Hey, what do you want people to say at
your funeral?
I want them to say, 'She was a great doctor, and she never
let down any
of her patients.'"

The teacher said, "I want people to remember me as a

great educator, so
I would want to hear people say, 'He was a wonderful
teacher, a great role
model for children, and he changed countless lives
throughout his career.'"

Then the lawyer said, "I'd like people to say, 'Look! He's
moving!'"