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Signe Whitson L.S.W., C-SSWS

Passive Aggressive Diaries

BULLYING

12 Do’s and Don’ts for

Stopping Bullying
Important Strategies for Bringing an End to
Bullying
Posted September 2, 2013

Tomorrow, I will put my daughters on the bus for their respec‐

tive first days of school. Today, I am letting them sleep late,
just one more time, as a last hurrah of summer. While they
rest, I am reading news online and can’t help but notice
dozens—literally dozens—of articles about bullying. Yes, in‐
deed, it is back-to-school time.

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A large part of me is gratified that intentional, relentless cruel
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behavior amongst young people receives media coverage
these days. Bullying is a phenomena that has existed in the
shadows for too long; its exposure to the light of day is the
critical first step in stopping it. But another part of me sees
the abundance of headlines and I understand why one
teacher recently told me, “You know, we get all of these train‐
ings about legal obligations, paperwork protocols, what to
say to parents, and how to spot a bully, but what we really
need is specific instruction on what to do in the moment.”

I hear him. I really do. As an author and national educator on

bullying, I know that people like me tend to dispense a lot of
information. We tell the who, what, when, where, and why of
bullying long before we get around to the how of changing it.
While I do believe the old saying that “without theory, there is
no practice,” I also know that what dedicated champions of
children--who are pressed for time and overloaded with infor‐
mation--want is sometimes as simple as a list of Do’s and
Don’ts.

So, at the risk of oversimplifying a very complicated issue

among young people, but at the hope of creating a go-to
roadmap for educators, counselors, youth workers, and par‐
ents, here are a dozen Do’s and Don’t of stopping bullying in
schools:

DO:

1. Know bullying

Understand the difference between behavior that is sponta‐

neously rude, mean, or inconsiderate and actions that are re‐
lentlessly and intentionally cruel. While none of the above are
desirable and all should be stopped by caring adults, the lat‐
ter are hallmarks of bullying and require focused interven‐
tions. Lumping all bad behaviors into the bullying basket
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breeds cynicism and diverts time and resources away from
vulnerable kids who need them most.

2. Connect with kids

Too often, adults are unaware of incidents of bullying be‐

cause socially-savvy aggressors operate under their radar
and socially-vulnerable kids are too disconnected to talk
about them. When a young person believes that an adult
genuinely cares about his well-being, he is more willing to
risk sharing painful peer experiences.

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3. Make time

The number one protest I hear from adults when I suggest

“connecting with kids” is that they don’t have enough time in
their day to do so. Paperwork, deadlines, standardized tests,
and never-ending task lists take up so much time that person‐
al connections with kids become a luxury adults believe they
cannot afford. Refuse to believe it! To Do’s will always be
there but young people rarely stick around after an adult has
ignored or dismissed them.

4. Smile
Seriously. Little things are big things in the world of young
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people. If you are still worried that you don’t have enough
time to connect with kids, try something as simple and quick
as smiling at each and every young person that you en‐
counter in a day whether at home or at work. While you are at
it, make eye contact and say hello to them, preferably using
their first name. Please know that I am not de-valuing the per‐
vasive and life-altering issue of bullying when I give this ad‐
vice; rather I am suggesting that something as momentary
and uncomplicated as a warm, daily greeting from an adult
can help a young person feel acknowledged, valued, and
worthy—and that that is a foundation for protecting a child
from the impact of bullying.

THE BASICS

How to Handle Bullying

Find counselling to support kids or teens

5. Be Present

Adults cannot be everywhere in the lives of kids, but we can

strategically and purposefully place ourselves in the locations
where bullying most often occurs. Even though the majority
of bullying occurs in school, up to 75% of it occurs outside of
the classroom. Effective adults plan to walk the halls between
classes, mingle with students in the cafeteria, keep a watchful
eye during recess, sit amongst kids on the school bus, and
yes, develop programs to monitor student behavior online.
Any/all of these actions listed above are effective both be‐
cause they facilitate connections between adult and kids and
because they reduce a bully’s opportunity to act.

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6. Intervene on the Spot

That same adult who confided in me that in-service trainings

never taught him enough about what to do in the moment
also said that he never could come up with the right words to
say on the spot. He is not alone. Many adults struggle with
crafting a helpful message when they witness an incident of
bullying. The good news is that often the most effective ap‐
proach in stopping bullying is the least wordy one. Consider
any of the following brief statements:

BULLYING ESSENTIAL READS

3 Real Reasons Why Some Young Adults

Become Cyberbullies

How Bullying Harms the Brain

• “It’s not okay to use those words to put someone down. Are
we good?”

• “Posting that online about a classmate is unacceptable. That

cannot happen again.”
• “Excluding her from the group is not going to work. Let’s fix
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this and move on.”

Brief statements are effective because while they don’t humil‐

iate or alienate an aggressor, they do let everyone present
know that the adult is observant, aware of peer dynamics,
and not afraid to step in. On-the-spot interventions send a
strong message to all young people that bullying behavior
will not be tolerated.

7. Teach Skills

If there is one thing most adults appreciate in kids, it is a

young person’s ability to handle conflict independently and
with dignity. It is important to note, however, that no child is
born knowing how to do so. Kids develop long-term social
and emotional competence through daily repetition and prac‐
tice of skills. Adults play a critical role in teaching kids to as‐
sert themselves, stand up for others, reach out to adults, em‐
pathize with peers, control their emotions, and solve
problems.

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DON’T

1. Don’t Dismiss
Bullying is not a rite of passage for young people nor is it a
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normal part of growing up. Conflict is one thing—and as not‐
ed above, kids do need skills to manage it effectively—but
being on the receiving end of relentless cruelty is another.
Kids need adults who are willing and prepared to step in to
stop bullying whenever they become aware of it. Kids who
are bullied should never, ever be asked to go it alone.

2. Don’t Make it Worse

Sadly, there are some instinctual responses from adults that

can actually worsen bullying situations. For example, some
adults are tempted to step in to stop a situation by asking a
child who is obviously being taunted, “Are you okay? Is s/he
bothering you?” While intended to give the vulnerable child a
voice, this type of on-the-spot intervention leaves the bullied
child with virtually no choice but to say, “No, I’m okay.” Very
early on in life, kids learn that public confrontations of a tor‐
mentor will only bring them further trouble down the road.
Kids learn to cover for their aggressor. In the process, aggres‐
sors net even more power. Adults can avoid this mistake by
separating kids involved in a bullying incident and talking
with each young person individually.

3. Don’t Use Peer Mediation

I am all for peer mediation programs. Just not for kids who
bully. While school-based peer mediation programs can
teach valuable skills for conflict resolution and respectful
problem-solving, in bullying dynamics, it can become a plat‐
form for peer domination. When kids who bully gain the op‐
portunity to outtalk and outwit their less articulate targets in
front of trained peer mediators, school counselors, and teach‐
ers, they are empowered. Vulnerable kids are further dimin‐
ished. Need I point out, this is not the outcome peer media‐
tion is designed for?
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4. Don’t Label

Bullies come in all genders and ages, shapes and sizes. They
come from troubled families and nurturing ones, wealthy
backgrounds and low socio-economic statuses. In truth, al‐
most any child can bully another child. When adults under‐
stand that by their very nature, kids are works in progress, we
stop placing them in harmful, self-fulfilling categories such as
“problem-child,” or “bully” and begin to view them as young
people who deserve to be taught better ways to behave.

5. Don’t Deny

Last September, a friend and former colleague confided in

me that she was all set to begin using my Friendship & Other
Weapons curriculum in her parochial elementary school
when word came down from school administrators that “the
school doesn’t want to talk to the kids about ‘bullying.’ It im‐
plies that there is a problem.” Too often, adults like the ones
at her school make a conscious choice to turn a blind eye to
the problem of bullying because they want to save face in
their communities, even at the expense of doing right by the
young people. We must get beyond local politics, school poli‐
cies, and personal insecurities in order to truly be there for
young people. When there is denial of the problem, kids can‐
not be safe. They cannot learn and they cannot develop skills
for managing the conflict that is an inevitable part of being
human.

Signe Whitson, LSW is an author and national educator on

bullying. For more information, workshop inquiriesm and re‐
sources, please visit www.signewhitson.com
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About the Author

Signe Whitson, L.S.W., is a licensed social

worker and the co-author of The Angry Smile:
The Psychology of Passive Aggressive
Behavior in Families, Schools, and
Workplaces.

Online: Signe Whitson.com, Facebook, LinkedIn,

Twitter

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 INTL

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