ESCAPE TO WONDERLAND

A Play in Two Acts

by
Lottie Dance
and devised by
The Company

Based on the Works of

Lewis Carroll

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CAST OF CHARACTERS

ALICE a bookish teenage girl

BOY an angsty teenage boy, also plays Mouse, March Hare, and Knave
DAD Alice’s bumbling but well-meaning father, also plays Mock Turtle, King,
Duchess, and Dodo
QUEEN the fearsome Queen of Hearts, also plays Cook, Bird
ACTOR 1 plays Cheshire Cat, Eaglet, Bill, and Seven
ACTOR 2 plays Caterpillar, Lory, Dormouse, Frog Footman, and Two
ACTOR 3 plays Mad Hatter, Duck, Pat, Fish Footman, and Five
ACTOR 4 plays White Rabbit, Bird, and Gryphon.

The COMPANY also play the JABBERWOCK and act as an Ensemble throughout
the play.

R&D CAST – UNIVERSITY THEATRE ORIGINAL CAST – THE RONDO

2021 THEATRE 2023

ALICE Islay Rhys-Davies ALICE Morgan Waters

PROF Charlie Munday BOY Douglas Murdoch
SISTER Lottie Dance DAD Ciaran Corsar
QUEEN Francesca Halligan QUEEN Peggie Owens
ACTOR 1 Sophia Raee ACTOR 1 Chloe Smart
ACTOR 2 Cara W Smith ACTOR 2 Jordan Phillpotts
ACTOR 3 Ewan Wyatt ACTOR 3 Ewan Wyatt
ACTOR 4 Emily Lander ACTOR 4

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ACT 1
Scene breaks are used for clarity. Unless stated otherwise, all scenes roll into one
another without a break or blackout.
A / indicates that the line should be interrupted by the next.

PROLOGUE
The stage is dark. From the darkness comes a rumble. An electric thrum. At first, it
seems like some kind of earthquake.
‘Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borrogroves
And the mome raths outgrabe.
But as it the thrum grows louder, it becomes clear that these are footsteps. At the
same time, from the darkness looms a FIGURE, vorpal blade in hand. These are
not his footsteps.
“Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersntach!”
A great, electronic roar rumbles the stage. Something looms behind the FIGURE.
This is the JABBERWOCK. It begins to move. It is hunting.
And so, in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came.
The electric thrum builds. The FIGURE fades into the darkness.
‘Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borrogroves
And the mome raths outgrabe.
Silence.

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 SCENE ONE
Present(ish) day England, although the feel is timeless. ALICE’s
bedroom, late afternoon. The room contains a bed, a desk and chair,
and bookshelf filled with books, but is otherwise filled with cardboard
boxes filled with belongings.
ALICE, an awkward, bookish teenage girl, enters, in a rush. She
immediately starts to push around the cardboard boxes, as if she’s
trying to tidy the space, or hide them, but she isn’t very successful.
DAD enters.
DAD Alice? What are you doing?
ALICE (Startled) God, dad, can’t you knock?
DAD knocks on the open door.
ALICE Har har.
DAD Shoving them all to the side won’t make them disappear, you know.
ALICE I’m just trying to make some room. Make it look less- Severe.
DAD If you got rid of some of your old things, you wouldn’t have so many
boxes.
ALICE I can’t get rid of it. I need it.
DAD starts to rummage in a box.
DAD Do you really need- (He pulls out some kind of rock) this, for /
example?
ALICE Stop it! (She snatches the item) It looks good on the bookshelf next to
the hardbacks.
DAD Okay, okay. I won’t touch anything.
There is an awkward pause where neither of them know what to say.
ALICE is still fighting with boxes.
DAD So…Why are you trying make room?
ALICE Tutoring, dad! He’s coming over and I don’t want it to look like we’re
living out of boxes.
DAD We are living out of boxes, Alice. I think he’ll understand, we are
moving in a few days.
ALICE Okay, well, it doesn’t have to look that way, does it? You might be okay
with the mess, but I’m not.
DAD is slightly hurt by this but tries not to let on.

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DAD Alright, well, if you need help, just call for me. I’ll be downstairs-
ALICE (Distracted by the boxes) Okay.
DAD And, you know, if you want to talk about anything-
ALICE I’m fine, dad.
DAD Alright.
DAD lingers for a moment, hovering as if he wants to say something
more. When ALICE ignores him, he exits.
ALICE pulls a book out of the box. It’s ‘The Hunting of the Snark’. She
places it in a ‘keep’ pile, and begins to sort through the others. She
continues to tidy for a few moments, before the doorbell rings.
A knock on the door. BOY enter ALICE’s room. ALICE pushes herself
to her feet and brushes down her skirt. She goes about setting up a
study space on the floor.
ALICE Oh, hi. I was just setting up.
BOY slowly sets his things down and looks around.
ALICE Make yourself comfortable.
BOY (Gesturing to the books and boxes) What’s all this?
ALICE Books. From the attic.
He seems confused, but he nods anyway. As ALICE sets up and tidies,
he examines various bits and bobs in ALICE’s room. He picks up a
tattered, old looking copy of Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland.
BOY (Reading) “Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland.”
ALICE snatches the book from him.
ALICE No-!
They are both embarrassed.
ALICE That’s old, and fragile. We don’t- I don’t really touch it, it could fall
apart. I have another copy, here.
ALICE hands him a much newer looking copy of the book.
BOY You have two copies...?
ALICE Well, that’s a vintage copy, so it’s more of a collectors / thing-
BOY Yes. / Right.
ALICE I only got it / recently.
BOY Recently acquired. Gotcha. (Silence) You like this story, huh?

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ALICE What?
BOY The, uh, the whole…vibe. Your, uh- (He gestures to her dress) You’ve
got this whole thing going on.
ALICE Oh, no, this is / just-
BOY No, I get / it-
ALICE It’s a nice dress, I don’t- / It’s not-
No, no, I was making assumptions, / I-
ALICE Right. Yeah.
BOY Yeah.
There is an awkward silence. BOY gestures to the textbooks.
BOY Shall we?
ALICE Yes, lets.
They both settle down to study.
ALICE So how come- If you don’t mind me asking- How come it’s easier for
you to come here?
BOY Oh, um. (Brief pause) My mum isn’t the biggest fan of visitors.
ALICE Oh.
An awkward pause. BOY looks as if he wants to say something.
ALICE Anyway.
BOY Right. Yeah.
ALICE What did you want to look at?
BOY Actually, can I- Can I ask you something, Alice?
ALICE Sure.
BOY It’s more of an opinion, really, I just- My mum, she- She can be a real
tyrant, y’know? And- I’ve had enough.
ALICE Had enough?
BOY I think I’m going to run away.
ALICE Oh, don’t be silly-
BOY I’m not being silly. I’m failing my exams, there’s no one in this tiny town
that cares about me. I can move on to bigger and better things-
ALICE That’s ridiculous. Where would you go?

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BOY I don’t know. I haven’t thought much about it yet. I wanted to see what
you thought.
ALICE Me? Why me?
BOY You always seem to know the right answers. Even things that seem
stupid, you can always make them logical. I thought you’d have a
solution.
ALICE Well- I mean… This is going to sound silly.
BOY At this point, I’m open to anything.
ALICE There’s a place that I go to. When I’m feeling sad, or stressed, or I
need somewhere run away to. I’m important there.
BOY Okay… Where is it?
ALICE What?
BOY The place. Is it a place place, or do you mean, like-
ALICE No.
BOY Then what?
Here we go lads.
ALICE gets up off her bed, going over to her shelf and picking up her
copy of ‘Alice’. She turns to BOY, and we can see her summoning up
the courage to explain.
ALICE Whenever I feel like I need to escape, I do. To Wonderland.
BOY I’m sorry, I don’t follow?
ALICE Ever since I was little, whenever something bad happened, or I was
unhappy, my mum would take me to Wonderland. My mum named me
after the book, so it was her way of comforting me. Dad always said it
was nonsense, but he joined in too.
She loses herself in her memories
Because in Wonderland, I was important. We told the story of me, of
my adventures. And it was something that was truly mine.
She catches herself daydreaming.
(Timid) It helped. We could go there. It could help you, too.
BOY (He seems reluctant, but…) Okay.
ALICE sits beside him with the book. He looks confused.
BOY Wait, are we not…going anywhere?
ALICE We are.

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BOY Alice, seriously. I don’t have time for games / and-
ALICE Trust me.
(Beat)
BOY …You swear it’ll help?
ALICE I swear.
BOY Okay.
The two settle in. There’s a slight pause. They’re both waiting
expectantly.
BOY Well, go on then.
ALICE timidly opens the book.
ALICE (Reading from the book) “Alice was beginning to get very tired of sitting
by her sister on the bank, and of having nothing to do:”
BOY Encouraging start.
ALICE Do you want to do this or not?
BOY concedes.
ALICE (Reading) “Once or twice she had peeped into the book her sister was
reading, but it had no pictures or conversations in it-“
BOY “And what is the use of a book, thought Alice, without pictures or
conversations?”
ALICE You know it?
BOY The famous bits.
ALICE “So she was considering in her own mind, as well as she could, for the
hot day made her feel very sleepy and stupid, whether the pleasure of
making a daisy-chain would be worth the trouble of getting up and
picking the daisies, when suddenly a White Rabbit with pink eyes ran
close by her.”
The WHITE RABBIT runs on stage, past the two. BOY jumps to his
feet. ALICE looks up from the book, relieved, and runs after the rabbit.
BOY hesitates.
ALICE Come on!
She takes his hand and leads him on the chase.
The world transforms into Wonderland, with the help of the ensemble.
Everyone springs to life, busying themselves as they brighten up the
drab world of ALICE’s home. They add foliage and flora, colourful

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 throws on the sofa, and anything else you may wish to add to blend the
real with the wondrous. It is bright, beautiful, and strange.
BOY Wait, so if you’re Alice, then who am I?
ALICE thinks for a moment.
ALICE You’ll find out who you are. You’ll feel it.

SCENE TWO
They find themselves in a hall. There is a door, and a table made of
moving boxes, with a key and a bottle labelled “Drink Me”.
The ensemble see ALICE and BOY coming, and all hide behind the
door and watch. The RABBIT is last to run, and heads through the
door, closing it behind them. ALICE and BOY chase after them, but the
door is suddenly tiny.
ALICE immediately grabs the key of the table and marches over to a
tiny door.
BOY Wait, what are you doing?
ALICE Getting to the loveliest garden, of course.
BOY Woah, woah, slow down. How do you know what that key opens?
ALICE I told you. I’ve been here before. I know this story.
BOY Well I don’t, so help a guy out. What’s going on?
ALICE Just wait.
ALICE unlocks the small door and opens it. She and BOY gather round
and peer inside. Beyond is the loveliest garden you’ve ever seen.
BOY (Astonished) You were right. A garden.
ALICE The loveliest garden you’ve ever seen. I told you, I know this story.
ALICE seems to be completely in her element, knowing every step of
the story. She is significantly more confident here in Wonderland.
ALICE “How Alice longed to get out of that dark hall, and wander about among
those beds of bright flowers and those cool fountains, but she could not
even get her head through the doorway.”
BOY She shrinks. That’s how she gets through the door.
ALICE You’d think so.
BOY (A little annoyed) I know so.
He snatches the book from her.

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BOY (‘Told you so’) “And so it was indeed: she was now only ten inches
high, and her face brightened up at the thought that she was now the
right size for going through the little door into that lovely garden.”
He grabs the Drink Me bottle on the table and drinks. They begin to
shrink.
BOY What a curious feeling-!
He catches himself, and scrunches his nose up at the way he spoke.
ALICE laughs at him.
ALICE Maybe you’re Alice.
BOY Shut up.
After shrinking he runs to the door and tries to open it. It is locked.
ALICE (‘Told you so’) “After a while, finding that nothing more happened, she
decided on going into the garden at once; but, alas for poor Alice!
When she got to the door, she found she had forgotten the little golden
key.”
(The key is indeed on the table, far too high to reach.)
ALICE (Amused) I suppose there’s no need now to pretend to be two people.
BOY (Upset) There’s hardly enough of us left to make one person!
(BOY spots that there’s a little glass box under the table. ALICE
pretends she doesn’t know it’s there, and lets him discover it. He finds
a small cake inside marked EAT ME.)
BOY Eat me! This makes me grow larger.
ALICE There you go, you’re getting it.
(They eat the cake.)
BOY (Anxious) Which way? Which way?
(They begin to grow! Everything in the room is now SMALL)
ALICE “Curiouser and curiouser! cried Alice. “Now I’m opening out like the
largest telescope that ever was!”
BOY Goodbye, feet!
ALICE Oh, my poor little feet, I wonder who will put on your shoes and
stockings for you now, dears? I’m sure I shan’t be able! I shall be a
great deal too far off to trouble myself about you:
BOY You must manage the best way you can!
(They are both now enormous, and BOY’s head hits the ceiling. ALICE
grabs the tiny key, but can barely look through the door with one eye.

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 Continuing to become frustrated, BOY begins to tear up. A pool of
tears begins to form around them.)
ALICE You ought to be ashamed of yourself, a great girl like you, to go on
crying in this way! Stop this moment, I tell you!
(BOY briefly looks offended, before he realises ALICE is quoting the
book. Gingerly, he joins in. He is surprised to find he knows the words.)
BOY How queer everything is to-day! And yesterday things went on just as
usual. I wonder if I’ve been changed in the night? Let me think: was I
the same when I got up this morning?
ALICE (Encouraging) I almost think I can remember feeling a little different
BOY But if I’m not the same, the next question is, who in the world am I?
As if by magic, they both begin shrinking again. It’s almost as if BOY’s
belief in the text has pushed the story forward.
BOY How can I have done that?
ALICE (Knowingly) We must be growing small again.
They shrink, and find themselves up to their chins in water. They are
now in a pool of tears.
BOY Are we going to drown in our own tears? I thought this was a kids book!
(They swim, and come across a group of birds, namely the DODO,
LORY, DUCK, and EAGLET. They follow them to shore.)

SCENE 3
(The shore.)
(All the animals, BOY and ALICE clamber onto the bank, wet.)
DODO How does one get dry from all this wet?
LORY Perhaps we will shake until each feather is dry.
EAGLET (Gesturing to ALICE) That one doesn’t have feathers.
DODO (Examining BOY) What a peculiar looking bird…
ALICE Perhaps you might find something to dry yourselves on.
DUCK Ridiculous!
BOY It’s not ridiculous at all!
LORY Be quiet, child. I am older than you, and therefore know better, and I
say we must shake.
(The birds begin to shake.)

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 (ALICE’s face lights up.)
ALICE My mouse!
BOY What?
(She looks around, and grabs a pair of MOUSE ears, handing them to
BOY.)
ALICE You can be my mouse- (Correcting herself) The mouse!
(BOY fumbles with the ‘ALICE’ book, trying to find the page. ALICE
takes it from him, nodding, as if you say ‘you can do it’.)
(As soon as BOY puts the ears on, it’s like he’s completely
transformed. He is now the MOUSE. ALICE is delighted. )
MOUSE Sit down, all of you, and listen to me! I’ll soon make you dry enough!
(They all sit in a circle around the MOUSE.)
Now, this is the driest thing I know. Silence if you please! Ahem!
“William the Conqueror, whose cause was favoured by the pope, was
soon submitted to by the English, who wanted leaders, and had been
of late much accustomed to usurpation and conquest. Edwin and
Morcar, the earls of Mercia and Northumbria—“’
LORY Ugh!
BOY falters, and looks like he might break character, but he doesn’t.
MOUSE I beg your pardon! Did you speak?
LORY (Hastily) Not I!
MOUSE I proceed. “Edwin and Morcar, the earls of Mercia and Northumbria,
declared for him: and even Stigand, the patriotic archbishop of
Canterbury, found it advisable—“
DUCK Found what?
Once again, BOY falters, and looks like he might break. He continues,
though it’s obvious the interruptions are getting to him.
MOUSE Found it. Of course you know what it means.
DUCK I know what it means well enough, when I find a thing. It’s generally a
frog or a worm. The question is, what did the archbishop find?
BOY (Breaking character) Alice!
ALICE What?
BOY This is silly, I’m going home.
Wonderland stars to disperse. ALICE tries to chase after the birds.

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 BOY gathers his things, and slings on his bag. He goes to leave.
ALICE Please come back!
BOY I don’t want to play childish games, Alice. This doesn’t help. How is a
bunch of pompous birds supposed to help? I don’t have time for this.
You don’t either.
ALICE Please.
BOY Why?
ALICE Because-
(ALICE doesn’t have an answer.)
(She doesn’t need one.)
BOY Fine.
(Just as BOY is about to leave, and Wonderland disappears entirely…)
DODO In that case, I move that the meeting adjourn, for the
immediate adoption of more energetic remedies.
EAGLET Speak English! I don’t know the meaning of half those long words,
and, what’s more, I don’t believe you do either!
(BOY stops. He looks back at ALICE, and the BIRDS.)
BOY You’re not telling the story from now on. It’s our story, or no story.
ALICE But it’s my story.
BOY Fine, then, it’s your story. But I want in. I don’t want to just sit back and
not know what the hell is going on.
ALICE It’s just a story-
BOY Why can’t you just agree, Alice?
ALICE Because I don’t understand!
BOY Of course you don’t understand! (Pause. Calmer.) Just let me, Alice.
Please.
ALICE (A beat) Okay. Fine.
(Reluctantly, BOY puts the MOUSE ears back on. ALICE is quietly
pleased.)
DODO What I was going to say was, that the best thing to get us dry would be
a Caucus-race.
(There is an expectant silence.)
ALICE (To BOY, encouragingly) Somebody ought to speak.

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BOY (Reluctantly, to the DODO) What’s a Caucus-race?
DODO Why, the best way to explain it is to do it!
(The DODO marks out a circle-shaped racecourse.)
LORY (To ALICE & BOY) The exact shape doesn’t matter.
(The ANIMALS all take their places around the circle. Once they’re all
positioned, they start running around.)
ALICE Why, they’re running wherever they like.
BOY How are you supposed to know when the race is over?
DODO The race is over!
(They all stop running.)
DUCK But who has won?
DODO (Pressing his fingers upon his forehead) Hm. Everybody has won, and
all must have prizes.
EAGLET But who is to give the prizes?
DUCK (Pointing to ALICE) Why, she, of course.
ANIMALS Prizes! Prizes!
(ALICE pats around in her pockets, and finds a box of sweets. She
hands them out.)
BOY (as MOUSE) But she must have a prize herself, you know.
DODO (Gravely) Of course. What else have you got in your pocket?
ALICE Only a thimble.
DODO Hand it over here.
(Everyone gathers round ALICE. She hands over the thimble.)
DODO (Offering the thimble) We beg your acceptance of this elegant thimble.
(Everyone cheers. ALICE bows and accepts the thimble.)
(Just as BOY is starting to get into it, The WHITE RABBIT hurries past.
ALICE grabs the BOY’s hand and runs after it.)

SCENE 4
(The Rabbit’s cottage.)
(ALICE and BOY chase the RABBIT into the space.)

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RABBIT The Duchess! The Duchess! Oh my dear paws! Oh my fur and
whiskers! She’ll get me executed, as sure as ferrets are ferrets! Where
can I have dropped them, I wonder?
BOY What’s he looking for?
(The RABBIT soon notices the pair.)
RABBIT (to ALICE) Why, Mary Ann, what are you doing out here? Run home
this moment, and fetch me a pair of gloves and a fan! Quick, now!
(Startled, ALICE runs off at once in the direction he pointed to, without
trying to explain the mistake he’s made)
BOY Alice, wait!
(He hurries after her.)
ALICE We’d better take him his fan and gloves—that is, if I can find them.
(ALICE comes upon a neat little house, on the door of is a bright brass
plate with the name “W. RABBIT,” engraved upon it.)
BOY Are we just going to let ourselves in? What if the real Mary Ann is
inside?
ALICE Then we should hurry upstairs, lest we meet the real Mary Ann, and be
turned out of the house before we’ve found the fan and gloves.
BOY But you said you know what happens already, so why are you…
(ALICE starts to look for the fan and gloves.)
Okay, fine. I’ll play along.
(The pair search for the fan and gloves. ALICE finds a pair of gloves,
and BOY finds a fan. BOY goes to leave the room, but notices a little
bottle standing near the looking-glass. The bottle has no label.)
It doesn’t say ‘DRINK ME’…
ALICE But I know something interesting is sure to happen if you drink it.
(BOY hesitates, then drinks the contents of the bottle, and begins to
grow. He grows much larger than expected, almost as big as the room
itself. ALICE, still tiny, is thrilled.)
ALICE (Laughing) That’s quite enough!
BOY I’m too big to get out the door! Alice!
(He continues to grow, so much so that his arm goes out the window.
He’s annoyed, but not upset.)

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BOY I knew I shouldn’t have done this! At least at home, we’re not always
growing larger and smaller, and being ordered about by mice and
rabbits. I almost wish I hadn’t gone down that rabbit-hole—and yet—
(Without noticing, BOY is becoming Alice.)
BOY And yet—it’s rather curious, you know, this sort of life! I do wonder
what can have happened to me! When I used to read fairy-tales, I
fancied that kind of thing never happened, and now here I am in the
middle of one!
ALICE There ought to be a book written about you! When you grow up, you
should write one.
BOY But I’m grown up now. Or at least there’s no room to grow up any more
here.
RABBIT (Offstage) Mary Ann! Mary Ann! Fetch me my gloves this moment!
(He is heard coming up the stairs and tries to open the door, but BOY
is blocking it.)
Then I’ll go round and get in at the window.
BOY That you won’t!
RABBIT (Entering and seeing BOY’s giant hand out of the window) Pat! Pat!
Where are you?
PAT (Offstage) Sure then I’m here! Digging for apples, yer honour!
RABBIT Digging for apples, indeed! Here! Come and help me out of this!
(PAT enters)
RABBIT Now tell me, Pat, what’s that in the window?
PAT Sure, it’s an arm, yer honour!
RABBIT An arm, you goose! Who ever saw one that size? Why, it fills the whole
window!
PAT Sure, it does, yer honour: but it’s an arm for all that.
RABBIT Well, it’s got no business there, at any rate: go and take it away!
PAT Sure, I don’t like it, yer honour, at all, at all!
(BOY swipes his hand to try and grab one of them. They both shriek.)
ALICE (Loving this) I wonder what they’ll do next!
RABBIT Where’s the ladder?
PAT Why, I hadn’t to bring one; Bill’s got the other. Bill! Fetch it here,
lad!

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 (BILL enters with a ladder)
(pause) Here, put it up at this corner.
BILL It don’t reach half high enough yet.
RABBIT Oh! It’ll do well enough; don’t be particular.
(BILL climbs up onto the roof)
PAT Here, Bill! Catch hold of this rope.
BILL Will the roof bear?
PAT Mind that loose slate!
BILL Oh, it’s coming down! Heads below!
(A loud crash as tiles fall off the roof.)
RABBIT Now, who did that?
PAT It was Bill, I fancy.
BILL Who’s to go down the chimney? (Pause) Nay, I shan’t! You do it!
PAT That I won’t!
RABBIT Bill’s to go down.
PAT Here, Bill! He says you’re to go down the chimney!
BOY Oh! So Bill’s got to come down the chimney, has he?
ALICE Shy, they seem to put everything upon Bill! I wouldn’t be in Bill’s place
for a good deal.
BOY This fireplace is narrow, to be sure; but I think I can kick a little!
(They hear something come down the chimney.)
ALICE This is Bill.
(BOY kicks sharply, and punts BILL back up the chimney.)
PAT There goes Bill!
RABBIT Catch him!
(BILL hits the deck. PAT and RABBIT run to him.)
Hold up his head—Brandy now—Don’t choke him! How was it, old
fellow? What happened to you? Tell us all about it!
BILL Well, I hardly know—No more, thank ye;
ALICE (To BOY, who can’t see) That’s Bill.

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BILL I’m better now—but I’m a deal too flustered to tell you—all I know is,
something comes at me like a Jack-in-the-box, and up I goes like a
sky-rocket!
PAT So you did, old fellow!
RABBIT We must burn the house down!
BOY If you do, I’ll set a cat on you!
(Deathly silence.)
ALICE I wonder what they will do next! If they had any sense, they’d take the
roof off.
(The animals confer in a huddle.)
RABBIT A barrowful will do, to begin with.
BOY A barrowful of what?
(The RABBIT, PAT and BILL start throwing pebbles at BOY.)
You’d better not do that again!
(Another deathly silence.)
(ALICE notices that the little pebbles on the ground have turned into
cakes.)
ALICE My, the pebbles are turning into little cakes! If you eat one of these
cakes it’s sure to make some change in your size.
(BOY eats one of the cakes. He begins to shrink! As soon as he is
small enough, he hurries out of the house toward ALICE. The other
animals chase them, but they lose them, and they end up in...)
SCENE 5
(A thick wood.)
(The pair run through the wood, giggling to one another.)
BOY (Making fun of the RABBIT) Mary-Ann! Mary-Ann, fetch me my gloves!
ALICE (Mimicking BOY) I’ll set a cat on you!
(They pause for a moment to get their laughter under control.)
ALICE (‘Let’s get back on track’) We’ve got to grow to our right size again; and
then find our way into that lovely garden.
BOY I think that will be the best plan.
ALICE An excellent plan, no doubt, and very neatly and simply arranged; The
only difficulty is, I don’t have the slightest idea how to set about it.
(Goading on BOY) Let me see—how is it to be managed?

18
BOY I suppose I we should eat or drink something; but the great question is,
what?
(They stumble across a large mushroom, on top of which sits a large
caterpillar, smoking a long hookah. They look at each other for some
time, before the CATERPILLAR addresses them in a sleepy voice.)
CATER- Who are you?
PILLAR
ALICE I—I hardly know, sir, just at present—at least-
CATER- Not you, child. (To BOY) You.
PILLAR
BOY Me?
CATER You. Yes, you. Speak up.
PILLAR
BOY I-I don’t know. I’m me.
CATER What do you mean by that? Explain yourself!
PILLAR
BOY I don’t know! I’m myself.
CATER I don’t find that you are.
PILLAR
BOY This is stupid. (To ALICE) There’s no point in talking to him, he won’t
listen to me.
CATER You! Who are you?
PILLAR
BOY No, you tell me who you are.
CATER Why?
PILLAR
BOY starts to storm off. ALICE runs after him.
Come back! I’ve something important to say to you!
They both slowly turn around to look at the CATERPILLAR.
CATER Keep your temper.
PILLAR
BOY Is that all?
CATER- No. (A long pause and puff of smoke. To ALICE) So you think you’re
PILLAR changed, do you?
ALICE I’m afraid we are, sir. I can’t remember things as I used—and I don’t
keep the same size for ten minutes together!

19
CATER Can’t remember what things?
PILLAR
ALICE Well, I’ve tried to say “How doth the little busy bee,” but it all came
different!
CATER- Repeat, “You are old, Father William.”
PILLAR
ALICE (Sung) “You are old, Father William,” the young man said,
& BOY “And your hair has become very white;
And yet you incessantly stand on your head—
Do you think, at your age, it is right?”
CATER- That is not said right.
PILLAR
BOY almost kicks off again, but ALICE interrupts.
ALICE Not quite right, I’m afraid, some of the words have got altered.
CATER- It is wrong from beginning to end. (A long pause and puff of smoke)
PILLAR What size do you want to be?
ALICE Oh, I’m not particular as to size, only one doesn’t like changing so
often, you know.
CATER- I don’t know. (A long pause and puff of smoke) Are you content now?
PILLAR
BOY (Sarcastically) Well, I should like to be a little larger, sir, if
you wouldn’t mind, three inches is such a wretched height to be.
CATER- It is a very good height indeed!
PILLAR
BOY But I’m not used to it! I wish the creatures wouldn’t be so easily
offended!
CATER- You’ll get used to it in time. (A long pause and puff of smoke) One side
PILLAR will make you grow taller, and the other side will make you grow
smaller.
BOY One side of what? The other side of what?
CATER- Of the mushroom.
PILLAR

(They look at the mushroom. As she does, the CATERPILLAR

vanishes.)
BOY Which are the two sides? It’s round.

20
 (ALICE stretches her arms round it as far as they can go, and breaks
off a bit of the edge with each hand.)
ALICE And now which is which?
(She nibbles a little of the right-hand bit to try the effect. She suddenly
begins to shrink, and she hastily takes a bite of the left-hand bit, and
hands a piece to BOY. They grow.)
ALICE Come, my head’s free at last! Where have my shoulders got to?
BOY And oh, my poor hands, how is it I can’t see you?
(They are the right size again. BOY is starting to have some fun, even
if his fun is poking fun at ALICE.)
ALICE How puzzling all these changes are!
BOY I’m never sure what we’re going to be, from one minute to another!
ALICE The next thing is, to get into that beautiful garden—how is that to be
done, I wonder?
(Suddenly, there is an almighty CRASH, and the mood changes. The
ground shakes as a distant electronic thrum is heard. Voices can be
heard, but you can’t quite make them out.)
BOY What’s that?
ALICE I don’t know! This hasn’t happened before!
(The ground shakes, and throws the pair. They cling to each other to
steady themselves. Eventually, it stops, but the thrum continues.)
BOY We should find cover?
ALICE (Taking in her surroundings) I remember this part. There’s a house up
ahead! Come on! The story will make everything normal again.
(Eventually, everything settles.)
(They come across a house. As they approach, a FISH footman runs
out, and knocks on the door. The door is opened, and another footman
(a FROG) answers.)
FISH For the Duchess. An invitation from the Queen to play croquet.
FROG From the Queen. An invitation for the Duchess to play croquet.
(They both bow, and the FISH goes on his way. The FROG sits on the
step. BOY laughs at them, and ALICE approaches the door, knocking.)
FROG There’s no sort of use in knocking, and that for two reasons. First,
because I’m on the same side of the door as you are; secondly,
because they’re making such a noise inside, no one could possibly
hear you.

21
 (There is, indeed, a great noise within. Howling, sneezing, and the
occasional great crash, as if a dish or kettle has been broken to
pieces.)
ALICE Please, then, how am I to get in?
FROG There might be some sense in your knocking, if we had the door
between us. For instance, if you were inside, you might knock, and I
could let you out, you know. I shall sit here, on and off, for days and
days.
BOY But how are we to get in?
FROG I shall sit here till tomorrow—or next day, maybe.
BOY (Loudly and deliberately) How. Are. We. To. Get. In?
FROG Are you to get in at all? That’s the first question, you know.
BOY It’s really dreadful the way all the creatures argue. It’s enough to drive
you crazy!
FROG I shall sit here on and off, for days and days.
ALICE But what are we to do?
FROG Anything you like.
BOY Oh, there’s no use in talking to him, he’s an idiot.
(BOY opens the door and heads into the house. ALICE follows.)
SCENE 5
(A kitchen.)
(The kitchen is full of smoke from one end to the other: the DUCHESS
is sitting in the middle, nursing a baby; the COOK is leaning over the
fire, stirring a large cauldron which seems to be full of soup. The
CHESHIRE CAT is sat, grinning. The baby is howling the entire time.)
ALICE (Sneezing) There’s certainly too much pepper in that soup!
(BOY spots the Cheshire CAT)
BOY Why does your cat grin like that?
DUCHESS It’s a Cheshire cat, and that’s why. (With a sudden violence) Pig!
ALICE I didn’t know that Cheshire cats always grinned; in fact, I didn’t know
that cats could grin.
DUCHESS They all can, and most of them do.
BOY I don’t know of any that do.
DUCHESS You don’t know much, and that’s a fact.

22
 (BOY almost kicks off, but The COOK begins to hurl things at the
DUCHESS and her baby. The DUCHESS takes no notice.)
ALICE Oh, please mind what you’re doing! Oh, there goes his precious nose!
DUCHESS If everybody minded their own business the world would go round a
deal faster than it does.
ALICE Which would not be an advantage. Just think of what work it would
make with the day and night! You see the earth takes twenty-four hours
to turn round on its axis—
DUCHESS Talking of axes, chop off her head!
(BOY is ready to throw hands. ALICE looks anxiously at the COOK, but
she hasn’t even acknowledged the request.)
ALICE Twenty-four hours, I think; or is it twelve? I—
DUCHESS Oh, don’t bother me, I never could abide figures!
(She begins some kind of lullaby, violently shaking the baby at the end
of every line. The COOK joins in the choruses)
Speak roughly to your little boy,
And beat him when he sneezes:
He only does it to annoy,
Because he knows it teases.”
Wow! wow! wow!
I speak severely to my BOY,
I beat him when he sneezes;
For he can thoroughly enjoy
The pepper when he pleases!
Wow! wow! wow!
DUCHESS (To ALICE) Here. You may nurse it a bit, if you like!
(She flings the baby towards ALICE)
DUCHESS I must go and get ready to play croquet with the Queen.
(She exits. The COOK throws a frying pan after her.)
ALICE If we don’t take this child away with us, they’re sure to kill it in a day or
two: wouldn’t it be murder to leave it behind?
(ALICE and BOY hurry off out of the house with the baby. It grunts.)
BOY Don’t grunt! That’s not at all a proper way of expressing yourself.
ALICE Perhaps it was only sobbing. Why, you have a very turn-up nose, much
more like a snout than a real nose. If you’re going to turn into a pig, my
dear, I’ll have nothing more to do with you. Mind now!
(She sets the baby/pig down, and it trots away.)

23
BOY If it had grown up, it would have made a dreadfully ugly child:
ALICE But it makes rather a handsome pig, I think.
. (The two walk together in a circuit. They end up back where they
began. Confused, they turn and walk the same circuit again. Again they
end up where they began. Beginning to find this amusing, and
somewhat frustrating, they turn, and walk the opposite way.)
ALICE (Giggling) This is ridiculous.
BOY Where do we go?
BOY attempts to walk the circuit again, and ends up back next to
ALICE.
ALICE Can’t we just…sit for a while?
BOY What about the story?
ALICE You’re the one who wants to deviate from it.
BOY So?
ALICE I’m giving you the opportunity.
(They both sit.)
Are you enjoying yourself here?
BOY I’m beginning to.
ALICE With me?
BOY Of course.
ALICE Even my mum would say to me, ‘Alice, you must stop being so
overbearing. Let me tell the story.’ But I loved to tell the story.
BOY You tell it very well.
ALICE I don’t think I’m doing a very good job. Everything feels so different this
time around.
BOY What do you mean?
ALICE I don’t know. It’s like everything is changing. Like the story knows that
everything is going to be different now.
BOY It’s changing with you?
ALICE Not with me. I don’t want things to change.
BOY But what things are changing? I don’t understand.
ALICE Everything! It’s like Wonderland knows I’m leaving-
(She stops herself. BOY looks confused.)

24
BOY But you leave every time, don’t you? When the story ends. And you
always come back.
(ALICE doesn’t want to talk about this, but…)
ALICE (Reluctantly) No, I mean- We’re leaving. Me, and my dad. We’re
moving.
BOY What? When?
ALICE Tomorrow.
BOY Tomorrow?
ALICE I didn’t want to tell you because-
BOY Because what? What did you think was going to happen if you did?
ALICE You’d be upset.
BOY I’m ‘upset’ now, Alice. Were you ever going to tell me?
ALICE I was-
BOY When? Tomorrow? When you said goodbye forever and left me here
alone?
ALICE I just couldn’t find the right time.
BOY Well, there is no more time, Alice. And you’ve wasted it all on a stupid
story.
ALICE It’s not a stupid story!
BOY Is that why you brought me here? So you could boss someone around
in your little Wonderland one more time?
ALICE No!
BOY Well, you’re not bossing me around anymore. Good riddance, I’d say.
ALICE You don’t mean that-
(BOY takes the book from ALICE.)
BOY I’ll finish the story on my own.
ALICE No, wait! You can’t! Come back!
(BOY exits. ALICE runs after him, but somehow manages to get lost.)

SCENE 6
(ALICE finds herself in lost in the dark. Her voice echoes in the
nothingness.)

25
ALICE Oh, how I wish I could shut up like a telescope!
(ALICE realises she is completely alone, and completely lost.)
(The CHESHIRE CAT appears, and grins at ALICE.)
Cheshire Puss. Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go
from here?
CAT Well, That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.
ALICE I don’t care. I just want to find the story, just the way it’s always been.
CAT Then it doesn’t matter which way you go. You’re sure to end up
somewhere.
ALICE Home. I want to go home. I want to find the White Rabbit, and go to the
loveliest garden, and stay there.
CAT Then why don’t you?
ALICE Because that’s not how the story goes. It was silly of me to have
brought him here. Everything’s…changing. It’s my Wonderland, it’s
always been like this, so why is it changing? Oh, Cheshire Puss, am I
going mad?
CAT You know as well as I do, there’s no helping that. We’re all mad here.
I’m mad. You’re mad.
ALICE You’re no help.
CAT You say things are changing, but things around here always change.
ALICE These changes are different. I don’t know these changes.
CAT Ah, but this Wonderland is not yours. You share this Wonderland. The
others, they were partaking in your story. You can’t all be Alice. You’re
Alice. He’s Alice. You’re both Not-Alice.
ALICE How can I be Alice and Not-Alice? He’s not Alice. I’m not Not-Alice. I’m
Alice. Oh, now I’m making no sense. I really am mad.
CAT In that direction, (Waves right hand) lives a Hatter: and in that direction,
(Waving other paw) a March Hare. Visit either you like: they’re both
mad.
ALICE You can’t continue the story now! I don’t want to. Not yet.
CAT The only way to finish your story is to keep going.
ALICE What if I don’t want my story to finish?
CAT Do you play croquet with the Queen today?
(ALICE doesn’t answer.)
CAT You’ll see me there.

26
 (The CAT vanishes. It soon reappears.)
CAT By-the-bye, what became of the baby? I’d nearly forgotten to ask.
ALICE (Reluctantly) It turned into a pig.
CAT I thought it would.
(The CAT vanishes again.)
ALICE Which way to go?
(The CAT appears ahead of ALICE.)
CAT Did you say pig, or fig?
ALICE I said pig. And I wish you wouldn’t keep appearing and vanishing so
suddenly: you make one quite giddy.
CAT Alright.
(It VANISHES again.)
(She sets off toward the March Hare’s house.)
(The familiar electronic thrum fills the space. ALICE freezes, alone
again and afraid in the dark with this unknown creature. This is not part
of the story.)
ECHO ’Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
ALICE What?
ECHO All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!

(Suddenly, cutting off the ECHO, and emerging from the darkness,
comes the JABBERWOCK. It looms over ALICE, and she freezes in
fear. As it approaches, she runs but it reaches for her.)
(Blackout.)
END OF ACT 1

27
 ACT 2
SCENE 7
(ALICE runs through the darkness, away from the JABBERWOCK,
to…)
(A tea-party. ALICE takes a moment to calm and ground herself, and
reluctantly continues the story.)
(There is a long table, at which sits the MAD HATTER, and the
DORMOUSE, fast asleep. BOY is also there. They are having a tea
party.)
ALICE You’re here!
(BOY puts on his ears, and becomes the MARCH HARE.)
What? No, this isn’t right!
HARE (In ALICE’s face) No room!
HATTER No room! No room!
HARE No room!
ALICE There’s plenty of room.
HARE Have some wine.
ALICE I don’t see any wine.
BOTH There isn’t any. (laugh)
ALICE Then it wasn’t very civil of you to offer it.
HARE It wasn’t very civil of you to sit down without being invited.
ALICE I didn’t know it was your table.
HATTER Your hair wants cutting.
ALICE You should learn not to make personal remarks. It is very rude.
HATTER Why is a raven like a writing-desk?
ALICE I believe I can guess that.
HARE Do you mean that you think you can find out the answer to it?
ALICE Exactly so.
HARE Then you should say what you mean.
ALICE I do. At least—at least I mean what I say—that’s the same thing, you
know.

28
HATTER Not the same thing a bit! You might just as well say that ‘I see what I
eat’ is the same thing as ‘I eat what I see’!
HARE You might just as well say that ‘I like what I get’ is the same thing as ‘I
get what I like’!
DORMOUSE You might just as well say that ‘I breathe when I sleep’ is the same
thing as ‘I sleep when I breathe’!
HATTER It is the same thing with you. (Silence. He checks his pocket watch.)
What day of the month is it?
ALICE The fourth.
HATTER Two days wrong! I told you butter wouldn’t suit the works!
HARE It was the best butter,
HATTER Yes, but some crumbs must have got in as well. You shouldn’t have
put it in with the bread-knife.
(The HARE dips his pocket watch into some tea.)
HARE It was the best butter, you know.
ALICE What a funny watch! It tells the day of the month, and doesn’t tell what
o’clock it is!
HATTER Why should it? Does your watch tell you what year it is?
ALICE Of course not, but that’s because it stays the same year for such a long
time together.
HATTER Which is just the case with mine.
ALICE (wtf) I don’t quite understand you.
HATTER The dormouse is asleep again!
DORMOUSE (Sleepily) Of course, of course; just what I was going to remark myself.
HATTER (To ALICE) Have you guessed the riddle yet?
ALICE No, I give up. What’s the answer?
HATTER I haven’t the slightest idea.
HARE Nor I.
(They laugh.)
ALICE I think you might do something better with the time than waste it in
asking riddles that have no answers.
HARE If you knew Time as well as I do you wouldn’t talk about wasting it.
HATTER It’s him.

29
ALICE I don’t know what you mean.
HATTER Of course you don’t!
HARE I dare say you’ve never even spoke to Time!
ALICE Perhaps not, but I know I have to beat time when I learn music.
HATTER Ah! that accounts for it. He won’t stand beating. Now, if you only kept
on good terms with him, he’d do almost anything you liked with the
clock. For instance, suppose it were nine o’clock in the morning, just
time to begin lessons: you’d only have to whisper a hint to Time, and
round goes the clock in a twinkling! Half-past one, time for dinner!
HARE I only wish it was.
ALICE That would be grand, certainly, but then—I shouldn’t be hungry for it,
you know.
HATTER Not at first, perhaps, but you could keep it to half-past one as long as
you liked.
ALICE Is that the way you manage?
HATTER Not I! We quarrelled last March—just before he went mad, you
know— (pointing with his tea spoon at the March HARE) —it was at the
great concert given by the Queen of Hearts, and I had to sing ‘Twinkle
Twinkle Little Bat.’
DORMOUSE Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, twinkle…

HATTER Well, I’d hardly finished the first verse when the Queen jumped up and
bawld out, ‘He’s murdering the time! Off with his head!’ And ever since
that, he won’t do a thing I ask! It’s always six o’clock now.
ALICE Is that the reason so many tea-things are put out here?
HATTER Yes, that’s it, it’s always tea-time, and we’ve no time to wash the
things between whiles.
ALICE Then you keep moving round, I suppose?
HATTER Exactly so. As the things get used up.
ALICE But what happens when you come to the beginning again?
HARE Suppose we change the subject. I’m getting tired of this.
HATTER Change places!
(They all change places.)
HARE I vote the young lady tells us a story.
ALICE I’m afraid I don’t know one.

30
HARE Oh, I’m sure you know one. Tell us a story Alice.
(She silently refuses.)
(‘Fine.’) Then the dormouse shall!
HATTER Wake up, dormouse!
DORMOUSE I wasn’t asleep. I heard every word you fellows were saying.

HARE Tell us a story!

ALICE Yes, please do…
HATTER And be quick about it, or you’ll be asleep again before it’s done.
DORMOUSE Once upon a time there were three little sisters, and their names were
Elsie, Lacie, and Tillie; and they lived at the bottom of a well-
ALICE What did they live on?
DORMOUSE They lived on treacle.

ALICE They couldn’t have done that, you know, they’d have been ill.
DORMOUSE So they were, very ill.

ALICE But why did they live at the bottom of a well?

HARE Take some more tea.
ALICE I’ve had nothing yet, so I can’t take more.
HATTER You mean you can’t take less.
HARE It’s very easy to take more than nothing.
ALICE No one asked your opinion.
HATTER Who’s making personal remarks now? (Pause) I want a clean cup,
let’s all move one place on.
(They all move one place on.)
ALICE But I don’t understand. Where did they draw the treacle from?
HARE You can draw water out of a water-well, so I should think you
could draw treacle out of a treacle-well—eh, stupid?
ALICE But they were in the well.
DORMOUSE Of course they were. Well in. They were learning to draw, and they
drew all manner of things—everything that begins with an M—
ALICE Why with an M?
HARE Why not?

31
 (The DORMOUSE has fallen asleep. The HATTER wakes him up with
a pinch.)
DORMOUSE (Startled) —that begins with an M, such as MOUSE-traps, and the
moon, and memory, and muchness—you know you say things are
“much of a muchness”—did you ever see such a thing as a drawing of
a muchness?
ALICE Really, now, if you ask me, I don’t think -
HARE Then you shouldn’t talk.
(The HATTER and the HARE laugh.)
(ALICE gets up from the table and storms off. She looks back, hoping
BOY/HARE will call her name, but they don’t, and so she leaves.)
ALICE At any rate I’ll never go there again! It’s the stupidest tea-party I
ever was at in all my life! Stupid- Hare. I’ll show you. I’ll finish the story
without you.
(She comes across a door. The door.)
The loveliest garden! Finally!
(She clutches her book tightly to her chest, but hesitates for a moment.
She looks back once more, and seeing no one else coming, she steels
herself and heads through the door.

SCENE 8
(The Queen of Heart’s court.)
(A card is painting a white rose bush red.)
TWO Look out now, Five! Don’t go splashing paint over me like that!
FIVE I couldn’t help it. Seven jogged my elbow.
SEVEN That’s right, Five! Always lay the blame on others!
(ALICE quickly opens the book, skims the page, before closing it.)
ALICE (Interrupting, very ‘Alice’) Excuse me.
FIVE You’d better not talk! I heard the Queen say only yesterday you
deserved to be beheaded.
TWO What for?
SEVEN That’s none of your business, Two!
ALICE (More irritated) Excuse me, would you please tell me why you are
painting those roses?

32
 (The CARDS notice Alice. She becomes ‘Alice’ again.)
TWO Why the fact is, you see, Miss, this here ought to have been a red rose-
tree, and we put a white one in by mistake; and if the Queen was to
find it out, we should all have our heads cut off, you know. So you see,
Miss, we’re doing our best, afore she comes, to—
(A fanfare.)
CARDS The Queen! The Queen!
(The three cards lay themselves down flat on the floor.)
(The QUEEN and KING and their procession, including a CARD
GUARD, the White RABBIT and the KNAVE (played by BOY), carrying
a plate of tarts, enter.)
ALICE (Hurt) What?
QUEEN Who is this? What’s your name, child?
ALICE My name is Alice, so please your Majesty. (to herself) They’re only
a pack of cards. I needn’t be afraid of them.
QUEEN And who is this? (The cards.)
ALICE How should I know? It’s no business of mine.
QUEEN Off with her head! Off—
ALICE Nonsense!
KING Consider, my dear: she is only a child...
QUEEN Turn over.
(All the cards on the floor roll onto their backs.)
Get up.
(They get up, and start bowing.)
Stop that! You make me giddy. What have you been doing here?
FIVE May it please your Majesty, we were trying—
QUEEN I see! Off with their heads!
ALICE You shan't be beheaded!
(ALICE hides the three cards. She looks to the KNAVE and silently
pleads with him. He looks away from her.)
QUEEN Are their heads off?
GUARD Their heads are gone, if it please your Majesty!
QUEEN That’s right! (to ALICE) Do you play croquet?

33
 (Everyone is silent, and looks to ALICE.)
ALICE Yes!
QUEEN Come on, then!
(The procession sets off. ALICE joins them.)
RABBIT (to ALICE) It’s—it’s a very fine day!
ALICE Very. Where is the Duchess? And what’s happened to-
RABBIT Hush, hush! She’s under sentence of execution.
ALICE What for?
RABBIT Did you say ‘What a pity’?
ALICE No, I didn’t. I don’t think it’s a pity at all. I said ‘What for’?
RABBIT She boxed the Queen’s ears.
(ALICE laughs.)
RABBIT Oh, hush! The Queen will hear you! You see, she came rather late, and
the Queen said—
QUEEN Get to your places!
(The procession play croquet. The CARDS act as hoops, hedgehogs
as balls, and flamingos as mallets. The CARDS move to allow the
QUEEN to score points, and for ALICE to loose points.)
(Mid-game, ALICE spots the Cheshire CAT. She heads over.)
CAT How are you getting on?
ALICE What’s going on? Why is he here?
CAT It’s your story, remember?
ALICE But why is he the Knave? You know what happens to him.
CAT I do not. I am not in that chapter.
ALICE Oh, you’re no help!
CAT How do you like the Queen?
ALICE Not at all. She’s so extremely—
(ALICE notices that the Queen is close behind her, listening)
—likely to win, that it’s hardly worth while finishing the game.
KING Who are you talking to?
ALICE It’s a…friend of mine—a Cheshire Cat, allow me to introduce it.

34
KING I don’t like the look of it at all, however, it may kiss my hand if it likes.
CAT I’d rather not.
KING Don’t be impertinent. And don’t look at me like that!
ALICE A cat may look at a king. I’ve read that in some book, but I don’t
remember where.
KING Well, it must be removed. (to the QUEEN) My dear! I wish you would
have this cat removed!
QUEEN Off with it’s head!
KING I’ll fetch the executioner myself.
(The CARD GUARD enters.)
GUARD You can’t cut off a head unless there’s a body to cut from. that he had
I’ve never had to do such a thing before, and I’m not going to begin at
my time of life.
KING Nonsense. Anything with a head can be beheaded.
QUEEN If something isn’t done about it in less than no time I’ll have everybody
executed, all round!
ALICE It belongs to the Duchess: you’d better ask her about it.
QUEEN She’s in prison. Fetch her here.
(The GUARD runs off to fetch the Duchess. The QUEEN turns to
continue playing croquet, but instead lets out an almighty screech.)
QUEEN Someone has stolen my tarts!
ALICE What?
QUEEN (To KNAVE) You. Where are my tarts?
(BOY, as the KNAVE, is completely out of his depth here.)
KNAVE (Unconvincingly) If-If it please your majesty-
QUEEN Off with his head! Off. With. His. Head!
ALICE No!
KING A trial must commence at once.
ALICE Stop, you can’t!
(The GUARD pulls the KNAVE away.)
(ALICE chases after them, but instead bumps into the DUCHESS)

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DUCHESS You can’t think how glad I am to see you again, you dear old thing!
ALICE I have to go after him!
DUCHESS Come with me.
(She links arms with ALICE and begins to walk. ALICE struggles, but
eventually accepts this. The two walk in silence.)
DUCHESS You’re thinking about something, my dear, and that makes you forget
to talk. I can’t tell you just now what the moral of that is, but I shall
remember it in a bit.
ALICE Perhaps it hasn’t one.
DUCHESS Tut, tut, child! Everything’s got a moral, if only you can find it.
ALICE I wish I could find the moral of this new story.
DUCHESS Ah, the moral of that is—‘Oh, ’tis love, ’tis love, that makes the
world go round!’
ALICE Somebody said that it’s done by everybody minding their own
business!
DUCHESS Ah, well! It means much the same thing, and the moral of that is—
‘Take care of the sense, and the sounds will take care of themselves.’
(The DUCHESS goes to pet ALICE’s flamingo mallet.)
ALICE He might bite.
DUCHESS Very true. Flamingoes and mustard both bite. And the moral of that is—
‘Birds of a feather flock together.’
ALICE Only mustard isn’t a bird.
DUCHESS Right, as usual, what a clear way you have of putting things!
ALICE It’s a vegetable. It doesn’t look like one, but it is.
DUCHESS I quite agree with you. And the moral of that is—‘Be what you would
seem to be’—or if you’d like it put more simply—‘Never imagine
yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that
what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you
had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.’
(ALICE considers this for a moment. She’s heard it a million times
before, but it finally resonates with her this time.)
Thinking again?
ALICE I’ve a right to think.
DUCHESS Just about as much right, as pigs have to fly; and the m—

36
 (The Duchess’s voice dies away, even in the middle of her favourite
word ‘moral,’ and the arm that is linked into ALICE’S begins to tremble.
Alice looks up, and the QUEEN is there with her arms folded.)
DUCHESS A fine day, your Majesty!
QUEEN Now, I give you fair warning. Either you or your head must be off, and
that in about half no time! Take your choice!
(The DUCHESS scurries away.)
ALICE Where has he gone? What is the trial for-
(The QUEEN glares at ALICE.)
…your majesty?
QUEEN He has stolen my tarts. And, most importantly, he has broken rule
fourty-two. No. Growing.
ALICE That’s a ridiculous rule! And he couldn’t have stolen the tarts, because
that’s not how my story goes.
QUEEN This is not your story. Are you saying I lie? Off with your-!
ALICE No, your majesty!
QUEEN Good. Have you seen the Mock Turtle yet?
ALICE (With a sudden realisation) No.
QUEEN Come on then, and he shall tell you his history.

SCENE 9
(The Mock Turtle’s cave.)
(The two come across the GRYPHON)
QUEEN Up, lazy thing! And take this young lady to see the Mock Turtle, and to
hear his history. I must go back and see after some executions I have
ordered.
(QUEEN exits)
(The GRYPHON gets up.)
GRYPHON What fun!
ALICE What?
GRYPHON Why, she. It’s all her fancy, that: they never executes nobody, you
know. Come on!
(The Mock TURTLE is sat, sobbing)

37
 (During this conversation ALICE plays along, but with more sincerity
than previous scenes)
ALICE (By rote) What is his sorrow?
GRYPHON It’s all his fancy, that: he hasn’t got no sorrow, you know. Come on!
This here young lady, she wants for to know your history, she do.
TURTLE I’ll tell it her, sit down, both of you, and don’t speak a word till I’ve
finished.
(Silence)
Once, I was a real Turtle.
(Silence)
(The TURTLE begins to heavily sob)
When we were little, we went to school in the sea. The master was an
old Turtle—we used to call him Tortoise—
ALICE Why did you call him Tortoise, if he wasn’t one?
TURTLE We called him Tortoise because he taught us.
ALICE What had you to learn?
TURTLE Well, there was Mystery. Mystery, ancient and modern, with
Seaography: then Drawling—the Drawling-master was an old conger-
eel, that used to come once a week: he taught us Drawling, Stretching,
and Fainting in Coils.
ALICE What was that like?
TURTLE Well, I can’t show it you myself, I’m too stiff. And the Gryphon never
learnt it.
GRYPHON Hadn’t time. I went to the Classics master, though. He was an old crab,
he was.
TURTLE I never went to him, he taught Laughing and Grief, they used to say.
GRYPHON So he did, so he did,
ALICE And how many hours a day did you do lessons?
TURTLE Ten hours the first day, nine the next, and so on.
ALICE What a curious plan!
GRYPHON That’s the reason they’re called lessons, because they lessen from day
to day.
ALICE Then the eleventh day must have been a holiday?
TURTLE Of course it was.

38
ALICE And how did you manage on the twelfth?
GRYPHON That’s enough about lessons, tell her something about the games now.
TURTLE (deep sigh, sobbing ,etc) You may not have lived much under the
sea—”
ALICE I haven’t.
TURTLE —and perhaps you were never even introduced to a lobster—
ALICE I once tasted—No, never-
TURTLE —so you can have no idea what a delightful thing a Lobster Quadrille
is!
ALICE No, indeed. What sort of a dance is it?
GRYPHON Why, you first form into a line along the sea-shore—
TURTLE Two lines! Seals, turtles, salmon, and so on; then, when you’ve cleared
all the jelly-fish out of the way—
GRYPHON That generally takes some time.
TURTLE You advance twice-
GRYPHON Each with a lobster as a partner!
TURTLE Of course, advance twice, set to partners—
GRYPHON —change lobsters, and retire in same order.
TURTLE Then, you know, you throw the—
GRYPHON The lobsters!
TURTLE —as far out to sea as you can—
GRYPHON Swim after them!
TURTLE Turn a somersault in the sea!
GRYPHON Change lobsters again!
TURTLE Back to land again, and that’s all the first figure.
ALICE It must be a very pretty dance,
TURTLE Would you like to see a little of it?
ALICE Very much indeed.
TURTLE Come, let’s try the first figure! We can do without lobsters, you know.
Which shall sing?
GRYPHON Oh, you sing, I’ve forgotten the words.
SONG “Will you walk a little faster?” said a whiting to a snail.

39
 “There’s a porpoise close behind us, and he’s treading on my tail.
See how eagerly the lobsters and the turtles all advance!
They are waiting on the shingle—will you come and join the dance?
Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you, will you join the dance?
Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you, won’t you join the dance?

“You can really have no notion how delightful it will be

When they take us up and throw us, with the lobsters, out to sea!”
But the snail replied “Too far, too far!” and gave a look askance—
Oh, turn not pale, beloved snail, and come and join the dance.
Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you, will you join the dance?
Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you, won’t you join the dance?”
ALICE Thank you, it’s a very interesting dance to watch.
GRYPHON Come, let’s hear some of your adventures.
ALICE I could tell you my adventures—beginning from this morning, but
it’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person
then.
TURTLE Explain all that.
GRYPHON No, no! The adventures first, explanations take such a dreadful time.
ALICE You see, sir, the adventures are just that. I was me, Alice, when I woke
up this morning. But this adventure – this visit to Wonderland, it’s all
different. I’m all different. I can’t remember things as I did. And because
I brought a friend-
GRYPHON A friend?
TURTLE Share Wonderland?
ALICE I thought it would be the same. But it’s not. I just want things to be as
they were, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t stop things from
changing.
TURTLE That’s very curious.
GRYPHON It’s all about as curious as it can be,
TURTLE It all came different.
ALICE Oh, Mock Turtle, I don’t know what to do.
(ALICE begins to cry. The Mock TURTLE, being the Mock Turtle, joins
her, sobbing loudly and overzealously.)
TURTLE No wise fish would go anywhere without a porpoise.
ALICE (Confused) What?

40
TURTLE Why, if a fish came to me, and told me he was going a journey, I
should say ‘With what porpoise?’
ALICE Don’t you mean ‘purpose’?
TURTLE I mean what I say.
ALICE You’re the only creature here that does. (Pause) Purpose.
TURTLE You came with a porpoise, did you not?
ALICE Well, yes, I suppose I did.
TURTLE So why not see it through? Maybe this Wonderland has a different
story to tell.
(ALICE considers this, when suddenly-)
GRYPHON The trials beginning!
ALICE The trial. Oh no!
GRYPHON Come on!
(ALICE hurries after the GRYPHON, but soon loses sight of him.)
(She is lost and alone again in the darkness.)
ALICE Not again! I know what I need to do now. Oh, which way, which way?
Cheshire Puss? Mr Rabbit? Mouse? Oh.
ECHO ’Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
ALICE No, not again! I have to get to the trial.
(The JABBERWOCK, and it’s electronic thrum, appears.)
(ALICE begins to quickly recite the poem, trying to find a solution.)
ALICE Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch.
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch…
ECHO He took his vorpal sword in hand;
(The vorpal sword appears, as if by magic, conjured by the actors.
ALICE considers it – it is very close to the beast. She is frightened, but
she runs and grabs the blade.)
ALICE (Braver) And, as in uffish thought he stood
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!

41
 (The JABBERWOCK ‘burbles’, and ALICE stands up to it. She fights
the JABBERWOCK.)
One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.
(ALICE slays the JABBERWOCK. Once finished, she lays down on the
floor, exhausted, feeling the sudden relief of a heaviness being lifted.)
(She lays there for a good while, before a fanfare cuts through the
silence.)
The trial!
(Determined, she gets to her feet, and runs to the trial.)

SCENE 10
(A courtroom. The trial.)
(The KING and QUEEN are seated in the centre. Either side of them sit
the jury and the witnesses. ALICE and the DUCHESS sit amongst the
witnesses/audience. The RABBIT stands near the royals with a
parchment and trumpet. The KNAVE is in a box.)
KING Herald! Read the accusations!
RABBIT The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts,
All on a summer day:
The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts,
And took them quite away!
KING Consider your verdict.
RABBIT No, no, not yet! There’s a great deal to come before that!
KING Call the first witness.
RABBIT First witness!
(The HATTER comes to the stand. He’s holding a teacup.)
HATTER I beg pardon, your Majesty, for bringing these in: but I hadn’t quite
finished my tea when I was sent for.
KING You ought to have finished. When did you begin?
HATTER Fourteenth of March, I think it was.
DORMOUSE Fifteenth,

HATTER Sixteenth.

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KING Write that down. (To HATTER) Take off your hat.
HATTER It isn’t mine.
QUEEN Stolen!
HATTER I keep them to sell. I’ve none of my own. I’m a hatter.
KING Give your evidence. And don’t be nervous, or I’ll have you executed on
the spot.
HATTER That I can’t remember.
KING You must remember, or I’ll have you executed.
HATTER I’m a poor man, your Majesty-
QUEEN You’re a very poor speaker! Call the next witness!
RABBIT Alice!
ALICE Here!
(ALICE steps up to the stand.)
KING What do you know about this business?
ALICE Nothing.
KING Nothing whatever?
ALICE Nothing whatever.
KING That’s very important.
RABBIT Unimportant, your Majesty means, of course
KING Unimportant, yes. Of course I meant.
JURY (Amongst themselves) Important – unimportant – unimportant -
important -
QUEEN Silence! Look!
(The KNAVE/BOY, in the stand, has begun to grow larger again.)
KING Rule Forty-two. All persons more than a mile high to leave the Court.
BOY I am not a mile high!
QUEEN Nearly two miles high!
BOY That’s not a real rule; you invented it just now.
KING It’s the oldest rule in the book.
(He continues to grow.)
BOY Nonsense!

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QUEEN Off with his head!
ALICE Stuff and nonsense! The idea of having a sentence first.
(ALICE rips out a page of her book and passes it to the RABBIT.)
BOY You can’t execute me without a proper trial.
KING (to the JURY, panicking) Consider your verdict.
RABBIT There’s more evidence to come yet, please your Majesty, this paper
has just been picked up.
QUEEN What’s in it?
RABBIT It seems to be a letter, written by the prisoner to—to somebody.
KING It must have been that, unless it was written to nobody, which isn’t
usual, you know.
JURY Who is it directed to?
RABBIT It isn’t directed at all.
JURY Is it in the prisoners hand?
RABBIT No, it’s not. And that’s the queerest thing about it.
QUEEN He must have imitated someone’s hand.
(Throughout the conversation, ALICE has snuck her way over to BOY,
and given him her copy of the book.)
BOY (as KNAVE) Please your Majesty, I didn’t write it, and they can’t prove I
did: there’s no name signed at the end.
KING If you didn’t sign it, that only makes the matter worse. You must have
meant some mischief, or else you’d have signed your name like an
honest man.
(The JURY claps)
QUEEN That proves his guilt!
ALICE It proves nothing of the sort! Why, you don’t even know what they’re
about!
(The pair continue to grow.)
QUEEN Rule fourty-two! Off with their heads!
KING Let the jury consider their verdict.
QUEEN No, no! Sentence first, verdict afterwards.
BOY Stuff and nonsense!
QUEEN Hold your tongue!

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BOY I won’t.
QUEEN Off with your head!
(Nobody moves.)
BOY Who cares for you? You’re nothing but a pack of cards!

45