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© Rake Theater 2020

 SYNOPSIS

Sometimes blondes don't have more fun.

Goldilocks and the Bear Family face off in court. A lawyer outlines the case for a jury.

CHARACTERS

GOLDIE LOCKS, a blonde teenager

POPPA BEAR, a large bear

LAWYER, m/f, an efficient attorney whose goal is to uphold the law

SETTING

A courtroom, present day

PRODUCTION NOTES

The gender of the characters is not a critical part of this play. After all, there are no talking bears
(that I know of), so there's no need to worry about traditionally-represented characters. Please
cast as you see fit and change pronouns as necessary.

While the script says that there is an unseen jury, if you are working with a large group, please
add one! Same goes with a judge. A judge and jury can improvise content in-between scripted
dialogue, but the scripted dialogue itself must stay as written.
 1.

A courtroom with an unseen jury. GOLDIE, the

first witness, sits in a chair upstage, facing the
audience. POPPA BEAR is seated off to the
side, awaiting his turn. There is an empty chair
across from him on the other side of the stage.
The LAWYER approaches Goldie.

LAWYER
Can you tell us, in your own words, what happened that day?

GOLDILOCKS
I went out for a walk. It was a nice day. I didn’t realize until I’d been walking a while that
the battery on my phone was dead. That’s when I got all turned around. No GPS, no one
to call to come get me... and, like, I was starving. I’m pretty sure I was walking for hours.
When I saw the house, I knew I’d been saved.

LAWYER
So you’d describe your state of mind as... nervous?

GOLDILOCKS
Oh, much worse. I was very frightened. I’m not supposed to stay out past my curfew, and
I knew my family would be so upset.

LAWYER
You thought you were in danger.

GOLDILOCKS
Yes. It was getting dark, and, you know, I wasn’t sure about the neighborhood...

LAWYER
What happened next?

GOLDILOCKS
Well, I went up to the door and I rang the bell. Rang it like several times. Nobody
answered. But I could see the lights were on inside. Looked like maybe someone was
home. I knocked--

LAWYER
Before you go on... You weren’t worried about going up to a strange house and knocking
on the door?

(c) Rake Theater/Kimberly Patterson

 2.

GOLDILOCKS
It was better than starving to death on their porch. And it was getting so cold. It was the
only house around, and I didn’t think I had much choice.

LAWYER
Ok, so you knocked on the door. Then what happened?

GOLDILOCKS
When I knocked, I must’ve done it kind of hard, because it sort of pushed open, you
know? Like, it wasn’t locked and must not’ve been closed all the way.

LAWYER
The door just opened on its own?

GOLDILOCKS
Well, yeah, kind of.

LAWYER
Did you use force to open the door? A tool or something to disable the lock?

GOLDILOCKS
No, I just knocked.

LAWYER
Can you demonstrate for us how you knocked?

Goldie knocks gently on the side of the chair.

LAWYER
Thank you. When the door swung open, did you go right inside?

GOLDILOCKS
No, I called ‘hello’ but no one answered. It was starting to get really dark and really cold,
and that’s when I went inside.

LAWYER
You know it wasn’t your house. You entered someone’s house without being invited.
You understand that is wrong.

GOLDILOCKS
I know. I just thought the situation maybe was serious enough... I’d sit right by the front
door and wait for them to come back, and at least be out of the cold.

LAWYER
When you went inside, did you intend to do any harm or damage to the property?

(c) Rake Theater/Kimberly Patterson

 3.

GOLDILOCKS
No way!

LAWYER
Tell me about the chair.

GOLDILOCKS
It was a fancy recliner thing, like in the commercials late at night. You press a button and
the feet come up, and the back lies down, and it starts to massage you... I wanted to try it
out. I maybe pushed a wrong button or something. I’d tell them when I got home, and
they’d put it back right.

LAWYER
So you did not mean to break the chair.

GOLDILOCKS
I didn’t know I’d broken it. If I did, it was on accident.

LAWYER
You do admit to stealing the food, however.

GOLDILOCKS
I was starving. There was a Crock-Pot going and it smelled really good. I hadn’t eaten all
day.

LAWYER
According to the police report, you consumed an entire quart of porridge.

GOLDILOCKS
I’m a stress eater.

LAWYER
Can you explain what you did after this?

GOLDILOCKS
I was really full, and I got sleepy. It was getting really late, and no one was back yet. I
thought maybe if I just rested my eyes for a minute, no one would mind.

LAWYER
Where was this?

GOLDILOCKS
There was a futon in one room, and that was just awful. But I found one of those Temper-
Pedic beds. I sat down and it was like floating on a cloud. I think I conked right out.

(c) Rake Theater/Kimberly Patterson

 4.

When I woke up, there were these faces staring at me! They were poking at me, and
shouting, and I think they sounded angry, and I didn’t know what else to do, so I ran.

LAWYER
At any time, did you have any interest in or desire to damage, steal, or otherwise act with
malicious intent on this property?

GOLDILOCKS
No, sir.

LAWYER
One final question, please. Is this your natural hair color?

GOLDILOCKS
No, sir.

LAWYER
You dye it, then?

GOLDILOCKS
Yes.

LAWYER
Can you tell us why?

GOLDILOCKS
I don’t know... I always heard people say that blondes have more fun.

LAWYER
Thank you. You may have a seat.

Goldie moves from the chair and joins the

Lawyer.

LAWYER
I’d like to call my next witness to the stand.

Poppa Bear takes the seat that Goldie just

vacated.

LAWYER
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

BEAR
I do.

(c) Rake Theater/Kimberly Patterson

 5.

LAWYER
First, is the person who unlawfully entered your house on the 23rd of January in this
courtroom today?

BEAR
Yes.

LAWYER
Could you point this person out, please?

BEAR
It’s her, right there.

LAWYER
Thank you. The defendant claims that she did nothing to tamper with the locks on the
door, or damage the door in any way. In fact, the police couldn’t find evidence of a
forced entry.

BEAR
We left in such a hurry, I guess one of us forgot to lock it.

LAWYER
Were you aware that the door didn’t shut all the way?

BEAR
Like I said, we were in a hurry.

LAWYER
Can you tell us where you went off to in such a hurry?

BEAR
We had to take the baby to urgent care.

LAWYER
Was this an emergency? Could you have called an ambulance?

BEAR
It wasn’t that kind of emergency. He got a bean stuck up his nose.

LAWYER
Is it common practice to leave beans lying around when you know there are small
children present?

(c) Rake Theater/Kimberly Patterson

 6.

BEAR
Momma Bear was cooking. It was going to be porridge and beans for dinner. She turns
her head for one second...

LAWYER
Ok, so you and your wife left the house in a rush to care for your child. How long would
you say you were gone for?

BEAR
Maybe an hour, hour and a half? The wait wasn’t so bad this time, and the doctor actually
got it out pretty quick.

LAWYER
In that amount of time, did you imagine that anything bad would happen at home?

BEAR
We were not even gone two hours.

LAWYER
Can you describe the scene when you arrived?

BEAR
First, the door was wide open. That put me completely on guard. I told Momma to wait in
the car with the baby, but you know how they can be. We walk in, and the living room is
trashed. Sofa cushions all out of whack, the ottoman was turned over, and my chair -- my
favorite chair --you could see straightaway that it was broken. The footrest was kind of
hanging off its hinges... That was a $1200 chair. Completely unfixable. While I’m
looking at the chair, Momma goes into the kitchen and starts screaming bloody murder.
Turns out that ALL of the porridge was gone. She made that in the Crock-Pot so we
could have leftovers all week, and it was all gone. And then... we go to take Baby Bear to
his room... and there’s this GIRL lying in his bed. All I could think of at first is that she’s
dead... some junkie broke in, looted the place, ate all our food, and then OD’d in my
son’s bed. But she started moving around when she heard us, turns out she was just
asleep. We tried asking if she was okay... well, I did. Momma was mostly screaming and
then Baby started crying... I know it probably freaked the girl out. And then she just
jumped up and ran out. Not a word, nothing.

LAWYER
Is this when you called the police?

BEAR
Yes, right away. We had to stay in a hotel that night while they were going through
everything. Baby is still afraid to sleep in his own bed.

(c) Rake Theater/Kimberly Patterson

 7.

LAWYER
And how did they track the perpetrator down?

BEAR
She’d left a bunch of hairs on the pillow. They used DNA evidence to identify her.

LAWYER
Thank you, no further questions. You may take a seat.

Poppa Bear sits across the aisle from Goldie.

The Lawyer addresses his (imaginary) jury.

LAWYER
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. You’ve heard the evidence provided by both parties. I
understand that this is a complicated situation: The Bear family is suing Miss Locks for
destruction of property. Miss Locks is counter-suing the Bear Family for injuries she
incurred while fleeing the property. Please consider this case carefully. It is your
responsibility to consider the law and restore order. Thank you.

The Lawyer concludes his closing remarks.

End of play.

(c) Rake Theater/Kimberly Patterson