1 - Biography

I was raised by my mother basically because my father and her got separated when I was
two years old. She worked all day as a cleaner while I went to public school. While in
elementary school, I liked to learn the subjects and had good grades. When I was six or
seven, I was the first in my class who learned how to read (I asked my mother to teach me
because I was fascinated by comic books and wanted to understand the story). I remember
that I was always quiet and didn’t want to join with all the kids in the ‘’ most actual
commotion '’. One of the moments that sticks in my mind to this day and that is still hard to
understand is a memory of myself sitting alone on a bench during the break between
classes. I really didn’t want to play with the other kids even though I had no fear of them. I
feel that I probably wanted to do something else but I still don’t know what that something
else is, I guess. But I still had one or two friends that I liked a lot and played with. Also, I
remember creating fantasies in my head of dinosaurs fighting or something or thinking about
the comics that I read. Another event that I feel marked me in some way is when my mother
needed to go to a party because she could have a networking experience there and she
needed to bring me along because I couldn’t be by myself alone since I was a child. I
understood her situation completely but at the same time I really didn’t want to go there and
so I felt so immensely conflicted that I cried profusely for a long time. I think that moment
was important in my life because I realized that the choices I make could hurt other people
or could hurt myself and I would be forced to make these calls. In high school, I was feeling
depressed because I thought life was meaningless so was my interaction with other people
and I should not strive to do anything since it would amount to nothing in the end. After a
year of feeling like that and being reproved in school, I decided that I would continue to live
because if life has no meaning, then taking my life would have no meaning too. I realized
that my desire to die was a feeling so temporary like many others (joy, sorrow, anger,
melancholy) and so eventually I would go back to happy feelings and also to those
devastating feelings of apathy and dissociation as well. Then I finished high school and I am
in college now, in the business course. I chose it because I was too lazy to pursue anything
that would require more brainpower of myself and this course seemed the easiest. I am not
sure this is the right decision but, in this country, I don’t have a lot of options to choose
without throwing myself in uncertainty. In an ideal world, I wanted to be a mangaka /
musician since music and manga and anime are the things that bring more meaning to my
life. I would also like to be in a position where I could do the same for other people. Also, I
can’t fucking express myself with mere words so expressing through other means feel
necessary.

2 - Clothes

I don’t like to be the center of attention so I dress the most unassuming way possible. Jeans
and black jacket usually. My hair is usually short because I’m too lazy to make something
elaborate and take care of it. Also, I feel that I always need to have a jacket/hoodie or I feel
‘’unprotected’’, it is like my jacket is my ‘’superhero suit that protects me from danger’’, yeah
that is very stupid.

3 - Sports
I don’t exercise a lot; I am pretty sedentary and lazy. But I like sports because of the
adrenaline and because I ‘’feel more alive’’. I like team sports because there are a lot of
variables that make the games very unpredictable so I can think about how I can explore
different situations. For example, in basketball and volleyball games, I can pass the ball in
the most unexpected moment and create the perfect situation for a point to ‘’magically
appear’’. My favorite sport is volleyball because I can react without thinking too much and
just feel myself giving it my all to succeed (split second reflexes, decisions, find the best path
towards the objective). Although, I don’t play volleyball regularly because I don’t want to get
involved with other people. I try to distance myself from other people and I don’t know very
well why that is. Also I have a weird habit since I was a child of fiddling with my hair, I think it
is because I have anxiety.

4 - Nature

I love nature, admiring the landscape, and waterfalls fill me with an indescribable peace of
spirit. When I go to a silent place with trees around me, I feel like time itself becomes more
comfortable and infinite.

5 - Relationship with other people

I don’t talk a lot with my parents because I don’t find joy in interacting with them and I do not
feel like they understand me. My mother only talks about religion and my father only about
politics and I am not interested in any of that. Also, my father is very aggressive and
opinionated, so it is hard to talk with him and try to reach new territory / new uncovered ideas
with him. I loved my grandmother because she was very intelligent and kind but she passed
away. My siblings are my younger brothers and sister and I like them and they like me, but I
don’t talk with them a lot. I don’t have any pets because despite me loving animals, I would
probably ignore them to do my own things and they would be lonely so I prefer to not have
any. I don’t have a lot of friends because they are too interested in just having sex, talking
about the life of others, using drugs or playing video games but I do have an online friend
that I talk to a lot. I don’t think they are living their life in a wrong way but that is so
uninteresting to me. I rather search about interesting topics by myself like this typology thing
for example. I get along with people who are calmer and more introspective like me and who
I can talk about things I like (anime and manga). I don’t clash with anyone because it is
useless and I don’t want to hurt others feelings or my feelings as well. In the past as a child, I
discussed 2 or 3 times with other people and even fought (one time only), the reasons being:
‘’let me alone I do not want to play with you’’, ‘’stop cheating because I cannot have fun
playing this game if you do this’’. Usually, I just cry if someone makes me unhappy so it is
very rare for me to get angry. Even though I am like this, I feel people fear me somehow
even if I am calm, I can also be menacing but maybe that is just my self-imagination.

6 - Music

I wish I could learn how to play an instrument but I hate the fact that my neighbors will hear
it. I feel like I would be a bother and also, I would be ashamed of them hearing my awful
playing. I think my ideal place would be in a quiet, isolated place, with nature around me.
Also, I fear entering bodies of water because I think water is scary and it will pull me towards
death.. I listen to rock because the instrumentation is complex and I like the structures
(chorus, bridge). Music is basically another way of telling stories but they tell it with feelings.

7 - Transportation

I don’t have a car. I tried to learn how to drive but I was terrible, bad spatial awareness made
me almost crash the car a lot of times, terrible coordination. But the worst factors were the
fact that I got completely absorbed in my mind and didn’t pay attention to my surroundings,
couldn’t concentrate on driving and I couldn’t form the route in my head, making me go
extremely slow because I had to stop and think every second which way I should go.

8 - Technology

I am not good with technology but I basically lived 70% of my life on the internet so I can’t
say I don’t like technology; I am just bad with it. About science, I first had an optimistic view
about (progress, evolution of mankind) but when I saw an idea about technological progress
being an illusory concept, I changed my mind. Also, I believe entropy will ‘’destroy’’
everything so I don’t care about progress anymore. But science as a method of survival is
definitely the only way possible because there are no other ways (mysticism and energetic
fields, you know that kind of superstition that tries to oppose science).

9 - Routine

I wake up, watch youtube videos, study a bit for college, watch anime, sleep, repeat. My plan
for the future is finishing college so I can get a job and not die from starvation. I am not sure
about competition; I don’t like it but sometimes I can be competitive. Cooperation is easier
for everybody, I guess. Money is something hard to get and my ability to get it is almost zero.
Wish people could invent something different than money. If money wasn’t a limitation, I
would spend my days drawing manga, making jokes, talking with friends, and listening to
music. There isn’t much to life besides crying and laughing really.

10 - Dating

I never dated anyone, felt interested but then didn’t feel it anymore. I think I don’t want to
have children because I don’t know how to tell them what ‘’this’’ is all about. Relationships
for me should have basically two rules: let me do what I want (independence, solitude, free
of social norms), don’t doubt my loyalty. If I said I won’t betray you, then you should take my
word as definite because otherwise there is no point in a relationship with no mutual trust.

11- Hobbies

I have a big collection of mangas so that is an obsession of mine. I like works that feel
‘’original’’ and I can feel the idiosyncrasies / souls of the author shining through. It is
absolutely annoying watching an American tv show who just has no soul or creative attempt
behind it. That is why I think anime and manga are better. The author has the freedom and
liberty to express himself without pandering to anyone. Since I was a child I have been
obsessed with watching TV and reading comic books. I like horror movies because it
reminds me life could be more fucked up than it already is and so I feel a little bit better.
12 - Comedy

I like those random memes and nonsense humor which sometimes can be very crude and
include references to a lot of aleatory things mixing them together. Unfortunately, these two
types of humor are not liked a lot by people in real life so I rarely do jokes in real life. And
dark humor also makes me depressed sometimes so I am trying to avoid this.

13 - Politics

I think laws and economy are important but authority is just very arbitrary (lots of people who
are unable to do any good with it) and it is used to enforce your will on others. Leaders can
be very inspiring sometimes but most of the time it just feels like they construct a
‘’image/story’’ that is just fantasy that makes other people follow them. I think a leader should
just follow the flow of events without imposing his rules on others. There was a time where I
was trying to understand which system was better (communism/ capitalism), but I am too
dumb and even if someone discovered a better system people would always distort
everything for their own gain so it would not matter anyway. If there is a system, there is a
way to exploit it. And people will exploit, because animals will follow their desires. But i lean
towards left

14 - Life

I think human beings are just animals but I don’t want to be an animal so I try to fill my mind
with abstract concepts so that I can feel important but in the end no one is. Feel very
cynical/nihilist like Sisyphus in the Albert Camus book. Time just doesn’t make sense, there
is no way to explain it. Universe and life are weird so it is cool to try to research about it and
understand it. Love animals and all their different forms of being and existing. Like how the
hell there is this weird thing so different from me that can also exist even if he is different
from others? This makes me so happy.

15 - Religion

I hate religion. I feel like religion wants everyone to think the same way and that is the most
ridiculous and futile attempt ever. Also, I fear the power of social groups, when ‘’everyone
becomes one’’, anything could be justifiable. And then after the atrocities are committed
everyone will just ‘’wake up’’ and say that it couldn’t be helped because everyone was
thinking the same. But about abstract concepts like God / creation/ metaphysics I don’t have
a problem with it, I just don’t feel interested in these things. My only superstition is the jacket
thing (need to feel protected) and also for some reason I always felt the number 4 was
important. I think the number 2 is important because it represents duality, ying-yang, binary
code. Like the opposites that construct words and give them meaning. But then there's just
‘’something’’ about 4 that I like. In this case, since spirituality is something imperceptible to
others, what is the purpose of building an organization where no one can understand each
other (religion), it would be the same as building a place for bacteria to communicate with
humans. No one knows the experience of the other and therefore acting in the life of the
other based on individual experiences and parameters would be unethical and illogical even
more if we are of the same species. If no one knows what human consciousness really is,
what is the point of interpreting something that is beyond your comprehension? My personal
view (lol I'll try to give an opinion anyway) is that consciousness is an illusion of perception
proper to the organism (subatomic particles that we do not see but discover with science).
But it is the only basis we have, if we are writing these texts, because we have the ability to
communicate and logical reasoning more advanced than a bacterium but just because the
bacterium does not speak does not mean that it does not exist. About pleasure, I don't think
sexual pleasure is spiritual but biological but it depends on conditions where the
consciousness of the logical organism (humans) feels adequate to our instinct of self-
preservation (which is different due to personal experiences and reasoning based on
discriminatory patterns), and also the right regulation of loads of sex hormones and
happiness (dopamine etc). Passion, on the other hand, would be the result of the same
individual perception filters that result in the best result for the instinct of preservation that is
not necessarily individual because we know that since prehistory humans have realized that
collective life is more advantageous.I really respect spirituality but in collective we cannot
use these arbitrary measures if it were so we would not have the advancement of the
benefits of logical thinking.

16 - How others view me

People notice that I am shy and say that I should open up more and be happier and say
what is on my mind. With time, I am getting better at opening up to others but I still feel
unable a lot of times. People often say I am unmotivated and lazy. People say I am too
childish because I don’t want to think about the real world and only fictional stories. My father
says I don’t have self-esteem and I am too cowardly. People say that I can be funny and
weird, my friend always says I derail the conversation into absurd or random things. People
also say that I am extremely calm, to the point of being submissive. They say I am very
intelligent and I have good ethics.

17 - Languages

I love thinking about words and their meaning, that is one of the reasons I want to learn
Japanese. I learned English at eight years old so I could understand the video games (both
about how to progress and related to understanding the story) I played so yeah I find
language to be fascinating and I think I have a very big vocabulary overall. Ironically, I can’t
speak very well with others. I have written some short stories (horror, comedy, anime-
inspired) and I feel proud of them. I am not very good at drawing but I love it. Even if my
drawings are shit compared to anyone else, I still look at it and think: ‘’that is a part of my
soul there, amazing’’. I think expressing yourself with different sentence structures is art.
Making a joke or talking with others in a meaningful and synchronized way is also art.

18 - Past

I hate the past, I remember thinking how the world was fascinating only to be drenched in
pessimism around my adolescence. Wish I could have said goodbye to my grandma before
she passed away. Wish I could say to that girl who I never even said hello to that I wanted to
kiss her. At least, I can remember some good memories of laughing with my friends, scaring
my grandma when she got home (prank), feeling so absorbed in these fantasy worlds that I
could feel like I didn’t exist at all. My memory is not that good, I tend to forget things,
especially mundane and practical things. But there are some moments in my life that I try to
never forget or sometimes I feel like I cannot forget. I cannot forget about the feelings of love
that came when I was talking to other people or the feelings that other people shared with
me that were equal to mine.

19 - Fear

I fear not finding love only the ‘’void’’. I desire to keep exploring interesting things.