To Jazzerz

I’m sorry i took a while for me to warm up but i felt something this year that was different and
everything changed people in my life changed, my family changed, and you can chloe changed i
love you guys so much and a lot but ever since my birthday and you guys life something changed
about me and since we kinda stopped talking on ft i’ve been thinking stuff and how it’s gonna be
like when i’m older and i don’t know why i feel like i’ve become mentally insane and i kept crying
about stuff that includes you and chloe and when my mom was talking to me about friendships she
told me sometimes i have to let go of people even though i was close to them for a long time and i
had a conversation with Vivian (Liam’s sister) about it too and i don’t know why every time i try
doing that something inside me just burst and i feel stuck in the middle of time and i don’t know
what to think anymore because i can’t let you guys go because i’ve literally pledged my loyalty to
you and i’ve made promises to you and chloe and they are important ones so i can’t let that go and i
don’t know why my mom keeps telling me because it’s coming to a point every time i try too i break
down into pieces and i already felt like letting you guys go but i couldn’t think about doing it and i
keep thinking about stuff and it’s making me go insane and i cry so much i can’t even hear myself
and i don’t know what to do anymore because i can’t let you guys go even though i feel like i’m
bothering you guys and annoying you but it’s just that we’ve worked up a bond that couldn’t been
broken and i just couldn’t face the fact that soon we are gonna be separated from each other and
we might not see each other is a long time and it makes me just think the worse case scenario and i
just couldn’t face the fact the in a few years we can’t call like we use too and we can’t talk how we
used to because we’re growing up and i just couldn’t face that fact and i don’t know anymore.

Especially i blame myself for everything i did that had us fight sometimes and we had to take breaks
and then it affected our mom’s friendship and i just hated myself for that because i don’t wanna
break anything but after that time i told you about my grandma and whatever they just haven’t
talked and it’s making me have so much anxiety and i just couldn’t think our mom’s friendship
breaking apart and it’s all my fault because i cause so many dumb shit that affected me you and
chloe and it affected our mom’s too and i couldn’t handle that because i felt my mom let your mom
go and she wants me to let you guys go but i can’t do it it’s hard for me and every time i try to i can’t
and i keep crying and i stop breathing and it just so hard this year because i hated it and i’ve never
been so scared of the future and every time you and chloe get mad at me i start to over think and
worry that i will mess things up and every time i ask you questions i just asked them randomly
because i feel like we’re slipping away but i understand why time changes and sometimes you have
to let someone go but the thought of losing you and chloe made me sick and i just couldn’t and i
ask you those questions to talk to you more and i feel like i’m annoying you guys with it because i
just do it out of the blue and i just don’t want you guys to leave but one day you will.

Another thing is i wish i never ever said anything that caused us to stop talking but friends fight and
they will or not makeup but i get scared when we do and that’s why i’m so careful with Chloe
because i’m scared she will get mad at me and i’m scared when your mad at me and i don’t like it
but people fight Even after we fight the next day I’m so scared what you will think of me and you
guys will stop talking to me and it’s all my fault because i am so stupid and i take it too far and i
can’t notice it because i’m stupid and messed up and i promise i’m really trying my best to stop and
do stuff that people won’t like but i’ve overworked myself i’ve gotten so tired of myself and i keep
zoning out when i’m sad or upset and people at school even notices that i’ve changed and i wasn’t
how i was last year and i don’t know what happened too me i just cried so much this year and i’ve
never felt this way and i don’t know if it’s me growing up and time is going and people are just
leaving and i’m not used to it and it hurts seeing it and imagining it you and chloe hurts more then it
hurts seeing Liam go or Laila go away because i’ve known you my entire life you guys are my sisters
my blood my first love and i would do anything for you guys and you guys are that only one who
making me stay in this world because in my head i’ve thought of suicide and i didn’t wanna think
that for you and chloe and my family and i just don’t know if you guys care it doesn’t matter if you
don’t but my love for you guys is stronger then i’ve ever loved anyone almost like my first love in the
entire world (not in a romantic way lol)
but i can’t handle the fact you and chloe and me won’t be able to be together forever because
forever isn’t always gonna be forever something is gonna stop the path that we all go through and
we will have to go separate ways to meet again or not.

Sometimes i can’t explain myself inside because it hurts when my mom says i have to let you go and
i don’t know how she can let go of your mum so fast because i am not like her i can’t let go of
someone and just say bye to them because i’ve knew you guys more then ever sometimes i say i
don’t care but i do care so much for you jazzy and i care so much about chloe even though you guys
are older then me i just don’t know what will happen in a few years and sometimes i have to fucking
train myself not to care and i always say i’ve got this but i don’t i never did because i love you guys
so much and i can’t leave and i stopped caring for other people because you hated them and i
stopped caring for my cousin for chloe because of what he said a long time ago because i can’t.

i can’t let you go.

i can’t let chloe go.
i just can’t let you guys go even though you guys might’ve moved on i can’t because i’m stuck in
one whole place and i feel like killing myself.
I love you guys so much and i stopped everything in my life i stopped going out with my parents for
a whole year for you guys because you guys were the light to me and you guys made me so happy
and i would be raging and you guys would be laughing at me (it was funny i kinda wish you guys
recorded videos) and you guys make me so happy and that how i became who i am because without
you guys i would’ve never found anyone else who made me feel this way
Liam helped me and whatever when my parents would fight and he would make sure when i was
alone he would call me so that i wasn’t all alone.
but your guys saved me and it’s different from helping me you guys did everything to comfort me
and help me out and made me laugh and stayed with me for a long time and i hope we can stay
longer

I love you and chloe so much it would hurt to let you go but soon one day we all have to and
separate some days i wanna die when i can’t call you guys and sometimes i wanna live because i’m
with you guys and i wish my mom would let us all be together and our moms would be together but
some things won’t stay forever and we will be gone and i know i’ve fucked up our friendship many
times but i can’t let you guys go.

i cried at the thought of losing you guys and it hurts more then losing family.

(btw i cried making this and i need water )