Day 9 Date:

Why you feel anxious socializing (and

Ted what to do about it)
00:00

Each person who entered our therapy clinic answer a stack of questions before
beginning treatment. And during my years as a therapist there, there was one question
I always reviewed before meeting with a new client. It asked this: What is your
purpose in life? Defined as a central motivating life aim, something you're trying to
accomplish.

00:19
Now, to be fair, this is a difficult question. Identifying a single purpose in life feels
really hard. It also feels consequential. Many people spend years searching for and
developing their purposes, and some never find it. But typically we see responses like
this: to be an engaged parent, to make meaningful change in my community, to build a
career I'm proud of, to live for a long time, just keeping it simple.
00:45
But then there was the answer of one young woman who I worked with. Before
meeting with her, as I always did, I flipped to see how she described her purpose. And
she wrote this: "To avoid being noticed by other people." This young woman, a bright,
witty, compassionate high schooler, decided that her purpose in life was to make sure
that other people did not know that she existed. This is the power of social anxiety.
01:16
At its core, social anxiety is about the fear of being rejected. When we feel socially
anxious, we become hyper-focused on how we are appearing to others. We scan the
room looking for signs of threat and disapproval, signs we might have slipped up and
are at risk for rejection. And then we seek comfort in signs of approval, smiles, head
nods, laughs and so on. And while social anxiety can be exhausting, it exists for a
reason. Social anxiety tries to protect us from rejection, and it does that by tuning us in
to the nuances and norms and dynamics of a social group so we can match our
behavior to fit in with them and ultimately avoid being rejected. This is a good thing
because humans are social. We exist in social groups, we rely on each other whether
or not we like that, but also more simply because rejection is painful. Take a moment
to think about your own rejection experiences, however cringeworthy, we all have
them. Maybe you were ghosted after a first date. Been there. Maybe you were rejected
from your dream job. Maybe you were ousted from a friend group. Rejection's
unpleasant. And social anxiety tries to protect us from it.
02:24
But social anxiety becomes problematic when it begins to interfere with the life you
want to live. And this happens when your fear of rejection becomes intertwined with
your view of yourself. When you believe you will be rejected because you think you
have some inherent flaw, deficiency or failing of character. You were ghosted after
that first date, and you believe it's because you were not lovable or attractive
enough. You were turned down from your dream job, and you believe it's because you
were not intelligent or competent enough. You were ousted from that friend
group, and you believe it’s because you were not interesting or funny enough. Our fear
of rejection is really a fear of being less than. Less than we want to be, less than we
think we should be or less than we believe society wants us to be.
03:13
Now, over time, this belief system can develop into social anxiety disorder. When a
person has social anxiety disorder, they become overly concerned about other people
scrutinizing them, evaluating them harshly and ultimately rejecting them. So much so
that they begin to construct their lives around avoiding rejection. Because if you can
avoid being noticed by other people, then those people have fewer data points on
which to reject you.
03:42
Now, social anxiety disorder is one of the most common mental illnesses in the
world. In the United States alone, more than 12 percent of Americans at some point in
their lives will have diagnosable social anxiety disorder. That's roughly 40 million
people. Now worldwide, the estimates are lower, they're four percent, which in and of
itself is interesting. But based on current population estimates, four percent of the
world is roughly 300 million people that will potentially have social anxiety disorder at
some point in their lifetime. And despite how prevalent it is, it's widely
misunderstood, widely misdiagnosed and often missed entirely. This is because
several myths about social anxiety pervade our culture.
04:25
The first myth is that people with social anxiety are happier alone. The stereotype of
someone with social anxiety as a recluse who'd rather be hiding away alone in their
bedroom than out interacting with the world. And this is simply not true. In research
conducted in my lab, we find that people with social anxiety disorder desire strong,
healthy, intimate relationships to the same degree as those without mental illness. And
they do socialize, they’re not robotic aliens. And when they socialize, they often enjoy
doing so. In fact, when we ask people with social anxiety how happy they are, they
report feeling happier when they are with other people than when they're alone. This is
because not all social interactions are stressful. Maybe someone feels socially anxious
with friends but not their romantic partner. Or they feel anxious with strangers and
acquaintances but not people like their neighbors or coworkers. So even though some
interactions are stressful, people with social anxiety are not devoid of the basic desire
for human connection. They just have trouble obtaining it in certain situations with
certain people.
05:35
OK, so maybe then people with social anxiety do socialize, and when they do, they
enjoy it. But it's with a small, tight-knit group of people. And really, social anxiety is
about avoiding the spotlight.
05:47
And this is the second myth. Social anxiety is not necessarily about a fear of public
performance. While this is true of some people, other people with social anxiety find
performing in front of others less anxiety-provoking than smaller, more intimate
conversations, like when they have to carry a conversation one on one. Many people
with social anxiety excel in careers that are intertwined with social evaluation and
social performance. Modeling, acting, sports.
06:19
In May of 2021, Naomi Osaka declined to participate in press conferences of the
French Open. She courageously and preemptively shared that they exacerbated her
social anxiety. Shortly thereafter, she received a wave of public backlash and
scrutiny. She goes on to play her first match, of course, wins, and then she withdraws
from the French Open. Many people were perplexed about how someone could have
social anxiety and also be the number one ranked tennis player in the world, lead a
fashion campaign with Nike -- good choice -- and don the cover of Sports Illustrated
in a swimsuit. In an interview the year prior discussing her social anxiety, Osaka
explained: "On the court is completely different. I love playing at Arthur Ashe because
it’s the biggest stadium, and you feel the rumble of the crowd. You kind of feel like a
gladiator because it’s super-big and there are so many people watching your
match. But off the court, if I was ever thrown into a situation where I had to speak in
front of 100 people, I feel like I would start shaking."
07:27
There is no one-size-fits-all profile of social anxiety. Just like people who are
depressed have different collections of symptoms at different times for different
reasons, social anxiety looks different in different people.
07:41
And last and maybe the most problematic myth. That social anxiety is fleeting and
harmless. Social anxiety is not just something you grow out of. It doesn't magically
disappear when you graduate middle school or high school. Without intervention,
many people struggle with social anxiety for years, for decades. And social anxiety
can influence every aspect of a person's life. It can influence the hobbies they
choose, maybe opting for solo activities like reading, writing, rather than things like
team sports. It can influence the careers people pursue. Maybe opting for careers with
more individual, like computer time, versus things like sales or customer service. And
social anxiety could influence people's everyday lives. Ricky Williams, star NFL
running back, Heisman-winning running back, dazzled millions of people on the
football field every week. And yet he shared that he struggled with social anxiety, and
because of it, he had difficulty interacting with teammates, running everyday
errands where he'd have to interact with people and even interacting with his own
daughter.
08:51
The real tragedy of social anxiety is that it robs individuals of their greatest
resource: other people. Other people help us overcome adversity, like recovering from
illness or after you bomb a job interview. Other people help us celebrate
milestones like showing up to the birth of our child or a wedding or a graduation. And
other people help us overcome loss, like grieving the death of a loved one. Our fear of
rejection gets in the way of obtaining and appreciating the benefits of being accepted,
the benefits of other people.
09:29
And in our modern world, it is harder than ever to manage social anxiety. We are more
connected today than any time in human history, and yet we are lonelier, more
depressed and more socially anxious than ever. We have endless tools to socialize, and
yet we're seeing a decaying social connection. In a rapid amount of time, our social
structures have been upended and rewritten. Technology and social media have
created new standards for social relationships and interactions: "Do I post it, do I share
it, do I like it, do I love it?" We create these bizarre extensions of ourselves through
curated profiles and now avatars. We try to make sense of unlimited feedback from a
massive and often invisible audience. And the costs of social blunders are
higher. Things you do and things you say can live online forever and subject you to
unforgiving scrutiny, reputation loss and even job loss. It is a tough time to have social
anxiety. But the world will become more, not less, connected, and the influence of
technology and social media will grow, not shrink.
10:33
Now is the time to address social anxiety. And here's how. The first and maybe easiest
thing we can do is identify early. Early detection is critical because of those who go on
to develop social anxiety disorder, more than half will have developed it before their
14th birthday. More than half. And social anxiety puts people at risk for developing
other mental illnesses later on. Of adults who were diagnosed with both social anxiety
disorder and a mood disorder like depression, social anxiety came first 70 percent of
the time. Of adults who were diagnosed with both social anxiety disorder and alcohol
use disorder, social anxiety came first. It was developed first approximately 80 percent
of the time. What these data suggests is that social anxiety starts early, and it puts
people at risk for developing other mental illnesses. But here's the incredible
part. Social anxiety can be reliably and accurately flagged by asking just a few simple
questions. Questions like: "Is your fear of rejection among one of your worst
fears?" And "Does your fear of rejection get in the way of doing things that you'd
otherwise want to be or enjoy doing?" The cost of asking these questions is like 30
seconds and zero dollars. We don't have to create new infrastructures. We don't have
to upend existing ones. We can embed early detection programs into our existing
structures like at schools, new year orientation, one-on-one counselor meetings and in
primary care settings. Because if a doctor can screen for depression, then she can also
screen for social anxiety. Early detection and then appropriately intervening can
significantly alter the trajectories of young people.
12:20
The second thing we can do is harness our platforms. One of the benefits of living in
this hyperconnected world is that a single person can have a ton of power. They can
use their platforms to create meaningful and lasting social change. I mentioned Ricky
Williams and Osaka, who have used their platforms to share about their social
anxiety. And just from these two people, we’ve seen a ripple effect. In response to
Osaka's announcement, Viola Davis, Oscar, Emmy, Tony-award winning
actress, shared that she struggles with social anxiety. A woman whose job it is as an
actress to embody and express the complexities of people in very vulnerable and very
public ways. But frankly, these celebrities are not the poster children for social
anxiety. They're just three of the millions who suffer, who were brave enough to talk
about it. And we can do the same with our platforms, however big or small. In our
schools, in our workplaces, in our communities and in our homes. Because regular,
candid and forthcoming conversations about mental illness ultimately reduce
stigma, correct harmful myths and get people the help that they need.
13:37
The last thing that we can do is foster social courage. Addressing social anxiety is not
about preventing or avoiding rejection. Addressing social anxiety is about fostering
social courage. Being socially courageous means pursuing experiences and knowing
that your chances of rejection are not zero. In fact, the chances that you get rejected at
some point in your life, at some point this year, are high. And worse, you may be
rejected as a function of who you are. Things about yourself that you cannot
change. Where you come from, what you look like or who you love. Being socially
courageous means pursuing experiences because they are important to you and
knowing that the successes of those pursuits are not contingent on your worth as a
human being. Being socially courageous means knowing your worth and finding
people and social groups that love and accept that person. And being socially
courageous means asking that person out, applying for that job, speaking up at that
meeting or that party or giving that big talk on that big stage, knowing that rejection
lurks around the corner.
14:50
But the opportunity for growth and for purpose shines brighter. A purpose not defined
by ensuring that you go unnoticed in this world, but a purpose that makes you feel
most alive, most present and most authentically you.
15:07
Thank you.