Day 9 Date:

Why you feel anxious socializing

Ted (and what to do about it)
00:00

Each person who entered our therapy clinic answer a stack of questions
before beginning treatment. And during my years as a therapist there, there
was one question I always reviewed before meeting with a new client. It
asked this: What is your purpose in life? Defined as a central motivating life
aim, something you're trying to accomplish.

00:19
Now, to be fair, this is a difficult question. Identifying a single purpose in
life feels really hard. It also feels consequential. Many people spend years
searching for and developing their purposes, and some never find it. But
typically we see responses like this: to be an engaged parent, to make
meaningful change in my community, to build a career I'm proud of, to live
for a long time, just keeping it simple.
00:45
But then there was the answer of one young woman who I worked
with. Before meeting with her, as I always did, I flipped to see how she
described her purpose. And she wrote this: "To avoid being noticed by
other people." This young woman, a bright, witty, compassionate high
schooler, decided that her purpose in life was to make sure that other people
did not know that she existed. This is the power of social anxiety.
01:16
At its core, social anxiety is about the fear of being rejected. When we feel
socially anxious, we become hyper-focused on how we are appearing to
others. We scan the room looking for signs of threat and disapproval, signs
we might have slipped up and are at risk for rejection. And then we seek
comfort in signs of approval, smiles, head nods, laughs and so on. And
while social anxiety can be exhausting, it exists for a reason. Social anxiety
tries to protect us from rejection, and it does that by tuning us in to the
nuances and norms and dynamics of a social group so we can match our
behavior to fit in with them and ultimately avoid being rejected. This is a
good thing because humans are social. We exist in social groups, we rely on
each other whether or not we like that, but also more simply because
rejection is painful. Take a moment to think about your own rejection
experiences, however cringeworthy, we all have them. Maybe you were
ghosted after a first date. Been there. Maybe you were rejected from your
dream job. Maybe you were ousted from a friend group. Rejection's
unpleasant. And social anxiety tries to protect us from it.
02:24
But social anxiety becomes problematic when it begins to interfere with the
life you want to live. And this happens when your fear of rejection becomes
intertwined with your view of yourself. When you believe you will be
rejected because you think you have some inherent flaw, deficiency or
failing of character. You were ghosted after that first date, and you believe
it's because you were not lovable or attractive enough. You were turned
down from your dream job, and you believe it's because you were not
intelligent or competent enough. You were ousted from that friend
group, and you believe it’s because you were not interesting or funny
enough. Our fear of rejection is really a fear of being less than. Less than we
want to be, less than we think we should be or less than we believe society
wants us to be.
03:13
Now, over time, this belief system can develop into social anxiety
disorder. When a person has social anxiety disorder, they become overly
concerned about other people scrutinizing them, evaluating them harshly
and ultimately rejecting them. So much so that they begin to construct their
lives around avoiding rejection. Because if you can avoid being noticed by
other people, then those people have fewer data points on which to reject
you.
03:42
Now, social anxiety disorder is one of the most common mental illnesses in
the world. In the United States alone, more than 12 percent of Americans at
some point in their lives will have diagnosable social anxiety
disorder. That's roughly 40 million people. Now worldwide, the estimates
are lower, they're four percent, which in and of itself is interesting. But
based on current population estimates, four percent of the world is roughly
300 million people that will potentially have social anxiety disorder at some
point in their lifetime. And despite how prevalent it is, it's widely
misunderstood, widely misdiagnosed and often missed entirely. This is
because several myths about social anxiety pervade our culture.
04:25
The first myth is that people with social anxiety are happier alone. The
stereotype of someone with social anxiety as a recluse who'd rather be
hiding away alone in their bedroom than out interacting with the
world. And this is simply not true. In research conducted in my lab, we find
that people with social anxiety disorder desire strong, healthy, intimate
relationships to the same degree as those without mental illness. And they
do socialize, they’re not robotic aliens. And when they socialize, they often
enjoy doing so. In fact, when we ask people with social anxiety how happy
they are, they report feeling happier when they are with other people than
when they're alone. This is because not all social interactions are
stressful. Maybe someone feels socially anxious with friends but not their
romantic partner. Or they feel anxious with strangers and acquaintances but
not people like their neighbors or coworkers. So even though some
interactions are stressful, people with social anxiety are not devoid of the
basic desire for human connection. They just have trouble obtaining it in
certain situations with certain people.
05:35
OK, so maybe then people with social anxiety do socialize, and when they
do, they enjoy it. But it's with a small, tight-knit group of people. And
really, social anxiety is about avoiding the spotlight.
05:47
And this is the second myth. Social anxiety is not necessarily about a fear of
public performance. While this is true of some people, other people with
social anxiety find performing in front of others less anxiety-provoking than
smaller, more intimate conversations, like when they have to carry a
conversation one on one. Many people with social anxiety excel in
careers that are intertwined with social evaluation and social
performance. Modeling, acting, sports.
06:19
In May of 2021, Naomi Osaka declined to participate in press conferences
of the French Open. She courageously and preemptively shared that they
exacerbated her social anxiety. Shortly thereafter, she received a wave of
public backlash and scrutiny. She goes on to play her first match, of course,
wins, and then she withdraws from the French Open. Many people were
perplexed about how someone could have social anxiety and also be the
number one ranked tennis player in the world, lead a fashion campaign with
Nike -- good choice -- and don the cover of Sports Illustrated in a
swimsuit. In an interview the year prior discussing her social anxiety, Osaka
explained: "On the court is completely different. I love playing at Arthur
Ashe because it’s the biggest stadium, and you feel the rumble of the
crowd. You kind of feel like a gladiator because it’s super-big and there are
so many people watching your match. But off the court, if I was ever
thrown into a situation where I had to speak in front of 100 people, I feel
like I would start shaking."
07:27
There is no one-size-fits-all profile of social anxiety. Just like people who
are depressed have different collections of symptoms at different times for
different reasons, social anxiety looks different in different people.
07:41
And last and maybe the most problematic myth. That social anxiety is
fleeting and harmless. Social anxiety is not just something you grow out
of. It doesn't magically disappear when you graduate middle school or high
school. Without intervention, many people struggle with social anxiety for
years, for decades. And social anxiety can influence every aspect of a
person's life. It can influence the hobbies they choose, maybe opting for
solo activities like reading, writing, rather than things like team sports. It
can influence the careers people pursue. Maybe opting for careers with
more individual, like computer time, versus things like sales or customer
service. And social anxiety could influence people's everyday lives. Ricky
Williams, star NFL running back, Heisman-winning running back, dazzled
millions of people on the football field every week. And yet he shared that
he struggled with social anxiety, and because of it, he had difficulty
interacting with teammates, running everyday errands where he'd have to
interact with people and even interacting with his own daughter.
08:51
The real tragedy of social anxiety is that it robs individuals of their greatest
resource: other people. Other people help us overcome adversity, like
recovering from illness or after you bomb a job interview. Other people
help us celebrate milestones like showing up to the birth of our child or a
wedding or a graduation. And other people help us overcome loss, like
grieving the death of a loved one. Our fear of rejection gets in the way of
obtaining and appreciating the benefits of being accepted, the benefits of
other people.
09:29
And in our modern world, it is harder than ever to manage social
anxiety. We are more connected today than any time in human history, and
yet we are lonelier, more depressed and more socially anxious than
ever. We have endless tools to socialize, and yet we're seeing a decaying
social connection. In a rapid amount of time, our social structures have been
upended and rewritten. Technology and social media have created new
standards for social relationships and interactions: "Do I post it, do I share it,
do I like it, do I love it?" We create these bizarre extensions of
ourselves through curated profiles and now avatars. We try to make sense
of unlimited feedback from a massive and often invisible audience. And the
costs of social blunders are higher. Things you do and things you say can
live online forever and subject you to unforgiving scrutiny, reputation loss
and even job loss. It is a tough time to have social anxiety. But the world
will become more, not less, connected, and the influence of technology and
social media will grow, not shrink.
10:33
Now is the time to address social anxiety. And here's how. The first and
maybe easiest thing we can do is identify early. Early detection is
critical because of those who go on to develop social anxiety disorder, more
than half will have developed it before their 14th birthday. More than
half. And social anxiety puts people at risk for developing other mental
illnesses later on. Of adults who were diagnosed with both social anxiety
disorder and a mood disorder like depression, social anxiety came first 70
percent of the time. Of adults who were diagnosed with both social anxiety
disorder and alcohol use disorder, social anxiety came first. It was
developed first approximately 80 percent of the time. What these data
suggests is that social anxiety starts early, and it puts people at risk for
developing other mental illnesses. But here's the incredible part. Social
anxiety can be reliably and accurately flagged by asking just a few simple
questions. Questions like: "Is your fear of rejection among one of your
worst fears?" And "Does your fear of rejection get in the way of doing
things that you'd otherwise want to be or enjoy doing?" The cost of asking
these questions is like 30 seconds and zero dollars. We don't have to create
new infrastructures. We don't have to upend existing ones. We can embed
early detection programs into our existing structures like at schools, new
year orientation, one-on-one counselor meetings and in primary care
settings. Because if a doctor can screen for depression, then she can also
screen for social anxiety. Early detection and then appropriately
intervening can significantly alter the trajectories of young people.
12:20
The second thing we can do is harness our platforms. One of the benefits of
living in this hyperconnected world is that a single person can have a ton of
power. They can use their platforms to create meaningful and lasting social
change. I mentioned Ricky Williams and Osaka, who have used their
platforms to share about their social anxiety. And just from these two
people, we’ve seen a ripple effect. In response to Osaka's
announcement, Viola Davis, Oscar, Emmy, Tony-award winning
actress, shared that she struggles with social anxiety. A woman whose job it
is as an actress to embody and express the complexities of people in very
vulnerable and very public ways. But frankly, these celebrities are not the
poster children for social anxiety. They're just three of the millions who
suffer, who were brave enough to talk about it. And we can do the same
with our platforms, however big or small. In our schools, in our
workplaces, in our communities and in our homes. Because regular, candid
and forthcoming conversations about mental illness ultimately reduce
stigma, correct harmful myths and get people the help that they need.
13:37
The last thing that we can do is foster social courage. Addressing social
anxiety is not about preventing or avoiding rejection. Addressing social
anxiety is about fostering social courage. Being socially courageous means
pursuing experiences and knowing that your chances of rejection are not
zero. In fact, the chances that you get rejected at some point in your life, at
some point this year, are high. And worse, you may be rejected as a
function of who you are. Things about yourself that you cannot
change. Where you come from, what you look like or who you love. Being
socially courageous means pursuing experiences because they are important
to you and knowing that the successes of those pursuits are not contingent
on your worth as a human being. Being socially courageous means
knowing your worth and finding people and social groups that love and
accept that person. And being socially courageous means asking that person
out, applying for that job, speaking up at that meeting or that party or giving
that big talk on that big stage, knowing that rejection lurks around the
corner.
14:50
But the opportunity for growth and for purpose shines brighter. A purpose
not defined by ensuring that you go unnoticed in this world, but a purpose
that makes you feel most alive, most present and most authentically you.
15:07
Thank you.