THE PURG

TEN MINUTE PLAY

By Stephen Brown
Copyright © MMVIII by Stephen Brown
All Rights Reserved
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 The Purg by Stephen Brown
Copyright © MMVIII by Stephen Brown

THE PURG
By Stephen Brown

SYNOPSIS: Jeff Johnson is trying to get through his first day of work when
he meets Henry, a very blunt and apathetic employee. After a series of
confusing questions, Henry reveals that their office is actually in Purgatory.
Baffled, scared, and somewhat skeptical, at the end of the day, Jeff Johnson
has to decide if he’s the subject of an office prank or if he’s actually dead.

CAST OF CHARACTERS
(3 MEN)

HENRY (m) ......................A 34-year-old, very tired and apathetic employee.

He is dressed in a not-so-well-put-together suit.

JEFF (m) ...........................A 21-year-old, very fresh and excited employee.

He is dressed neatly in a suit.

MR. JENKINS (m) ...........A 50-year-old man dressed smartly in a suit. He

is Jeff and Henry’s boss.

SETTING

There is a small table center stage with a stack of Styrofoam cups on it.

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 The Purg by Stephen Brown
Copyright © MMVIII by Stephen Brown

AT RISE:
At center stage: a table with a stack of Styrofoam cups.

HENRY, dressed in a business suit, enters from stage left and walks
to the table.

He takes a cup from the top and pretends to fill it at an imaginary

water cooler next to the table. He then stands idly sipping.

JEFF, also dressed in a business suit, walks to the table from stage
left, takes a cup and looks around for a place to fill his cup, but can’t
find anything so he stands there looking confused.

All the while, HENRY stares at JEFF.

HENRY: First day?

JEFF: Yeah. Hi, I’m Jeff.

JEFF holds out his hand to shake, but HENRY doesn’t take it.

HENRY: Jeff Johnson, right, yeah, hey. (Pause.) So I guess you

want me to ask you how your day is since you’re not leaving . . .
so, how is it?
JEFF: Uh, good, thanks . . . hey, how did you know my whole name?
HENRY: Oh, right. I’m head of the inventory department . . . a real
exciting place.
JEFF: Ah, okay. Great. I’m starting in the advertising department,
pretty thrilled . . . and kind of nervous.
HENRY: (Laughs.) Well, you’ll rise fast.
JEFF: Why’s that?
HENRY: Not very many people work there. I don’t need to tell you
that people aren’t exactly ecstatic about what we’re advertising.
JEFF: Uh, yeah . . . right.

They continue standing awkwardly staring off into space while

HENRY continues sipping nothing out of his cup.

JEFF: I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be saying anything, but I noticed that

you . . . well, you’re not drinking . . . anything.
HENRY: What?
JEFF: No, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have . . . but it’s just that nothing’s in
your cup.
HENRY: What makes you say that?

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 The Purg by Stephen Brown
Copyright © MMVIII by Stephen Brown

JEFF: Because I’m looking in your cup right no - -

HENRY: No, I’m just messing with you.
JEFF: (Laughs.) Oh, okay. I thought for a second - -
HENRY: Of course the cup is empty.

HENRY takes a sip from the cup.

HENRY: Why would there be something in my cup; what with the

place we’re in and all.
JEFF: Strict rules, huh? Is that what it is?
HENRY: Rules, laws. Sure . . .
JEFF: Ouch, I see. I’ll have to remember that.
HENRY: So how’s your first day going so far?
JEFF: You . . . you already asked me that.
HENRY: Yeah, I wasn’t paying attention.
JEFF: Oh, well, I - -
HENRY: Happy? Angry? Probably a bit sad, right?
JEFF: What? No, I’m tot - -
HENRY: Yep, I remember my first day here . . . It was awful! I’ve
never been more depressed. But don’t worry, the depression
subsides after a while and turns into bitter resentment.
JEFF: Sorry, but why should I be depressed and bitter?
HENRY: Well, jeez, kid, it’s not exactly every day you die?
JEFF: Haha, yeah - - what?
HENRY: It’s okay, very few people are happy about dying, except of
course suicide victims; there was this one guy who came in here
with a giraffe hammer and . . . what?
JEFF: Wait, are you saying that . . . do you mean that . . . what are
you saying?
HENRY: Oh, did you not know that . . . you’re dead? Wow . . . I’m
sorry . . . geez, this is awkward.
JEFF: Wait a minute, what exactly are you talking about? No, I can’t
be . . . I mean, I’m starting my first day at work today.
HENRY: Well, call it what you like, but the fact remains, kid, you’re
dead. Sorry. It’s better that you accept it sooner than later. It works
out much better that way, kind of like a band-aid. You know, you
rip it off really fast, and uh . . . no, wait, that doesn’t really make
any sense.
JEFF: . . . Oh, okay, alright. I get it. New guy in the office prank,
right? Yeah, I get it. Get him all riled up about making him believe
he’s dead. Very funny, ha ha. Come on, do you think I’m that
dumb? I mean, you could’ve tried something a little more
believable on me. It’s creative though, I’ll give you that.

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 The Purg by Stephen Brown
Copyright © MMVIII by Stephen Brown

HENRY: No, see, a new guy prank would be introducing myself and
then out of nowhere slapping the cup out of your hand.
JEFF: What?

HENRY slaps the cup out of JEFF’s hand.

HENRY: This is real: you’re dead. Yes, it’s bad, but worse things
could happen.
JEFF: What do you mean worse things could happen? Death is the
worst thing that can happen.
HENRY: Not necessarily. Have you ever had a pigeon fly into your
head?
JEFF: No.
HENRY: It’s embarrassing.
JEFF: No, no, no. How can this be real? I don’t feel dead. I don’t look
dead. I’m standing here breathing. Yeah, yeah, I feel good, and
well, and very much alive. How do you explain that, then?
HENRY: Well, you see, death is a lot like life after college. The
party’s over, it came a lot faster than you thought, and now you’re
going to be unhappy for a really, really long time. You ever see
Beetlejuice?
JEFF: Is death kind of like the movie Beetlejuice?
HENRY: Heck no, Beetlejuice rocked. Death just stinks.
JEFF: Wha . . . I . . . I don’t . . . how did I? No, no, I . . . how did I
die?
HENRY: Well, remember when you were walking into the building
today from your car, and as you crossed the street, you
sidestepped that bus that almost hit you?
JEFF: Of course I remember that! I did this amazing Tiki Barber spin-
and-win move, it was awesome! You really should have seen it. To
be honest, I didn’t know I had it in me.
HENRY: Yeah, you didn’t.
JEFF: What?
HENRY: You were crushed, flattened. That little dodge move you did
never happened.
JEFF: No.
HENRY: Oh yeah. It’s actually a good thing you died though,
because if you had survived you would be in so much pain right
now. I mean, wow. That bus really hit you. I think I remember the
whole list. Let’s see, all four of your limbs were broken . . .
JEFF: All four of my limbs were broken?!

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 The Purg by Stephen Brown
Copyright © MMVIII by Stephen Brown

HENRY: - - off. Also, your pelvis was shattered, along with your
collar bone, your neck, and you punctured a lung. No, wait, both
lungs.
JEFF: So is that what killed me? A broken neck?
HENRY: Oh no, your head popped off and rolled down the street.
JEFF: What? My head popped off and rolled down the street?
HENRY: Like a bowling ball . . . or rather a wheel of cheese or the
wheel of fortune! Boy, that was a good show!
JEFF: No, no. How can this be happening to me? This can’t be
happening. This isn’t happening. You’re just a . . . a figment of my
imagination; a dream person. This is all just a dream!
HENRY: Unfortunately, it is happening. But don’t worry about it,
plenty of people deny that they’re dead the first day. Except for the
people on death row. I mean, they really see it coming. Well, they
don’t exactly see it coming, but you get the idea.
JEFF: Aha! Exactly what a dream person would say! You’re not real,
and I’m not dead, and tomorrow I’m going to start my first day of
work, and this is all a dream. Quick, pinch me!

HENRY slaps him.

JEFF: Ow! That hurt. That really hurt. Oh my God, this is real! All of
this is real. I’m dead! Wait a second, isn’t pain supposed to go
away after you die?
HENRY: This is death, kid, not a vacation.
JEFF: So . . . I’m really dead.
HENRY: Ha, no, I’ve just been messing with you.
JEFF: Really?
HENRY: No.
JEFF: Oh my God, I’m dead.
HENRY: Yeah . . . sorry.
JEFF: You don’t sound sorry.
HENRY: Well, spend enough time here and you lose your ability to
care . . . it’s just what you say.
JEFF: So, what is this place, heaven?
HENRY: Heck, no! Heaven is way better than this . . . I think . . . I
hope.
JEFF: Oh God, oh God! Don’t tell me we’re down . . . there.
HENRY: Nah, it would be way hotter. And from what I hear, our
bodies would be ripped apart a thousand times over.
JEFF: So, where . . .
HENRY: Purgatory.
JEFF: Purgatory?

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 The Purg by Stephen Brown
Copyright © MMVIII by Stephen Brown

HENRY: But everyone here calls it the Purg, or just Purg. Nobody
calls it Purgatory here.
JEFF: Huh. Purgatory . . .

HENRY clears throat.

JEFF: Sorry . . . Purg . . . why do you try to jazz up the name?

HENRY: Don’t worry about it.
JEFF: . . . Alright. So, what do you people do here?
HENRY: Wait.
JEFF: What?
HENRY: We wait.
JEFF: And?
HENRY: That’s really it. I mean, you can pretend like you’re working,
but nothing ever comes of it. So most of us just wait . . . for a really
long, long, long . . . long, long, long time. It’s really a good thing
everyone here is already dead, otherwise . . .
JEFF: What do you wait for?
HENRY: Hell, if I knew that I wouldn’t be waiting anymore.

They stand there for a full 10 seconds, not talking, just waiting.

JEFF: This stinks.

HENRY: Well, get used to it while I get back to work. Good luck, Jeff
Johnson. And hey, at least you don’t have to be afraid that one
day you’re going to die.

HENRY walks off stage right.

JEFF: . . . thanks.

JEFF stands there speechless. Enter MR. JENKINS.

MR. JENKINS: Hey there Jeff, how are you enjoying your first day?
Most people want to either thank me or punch me the first day
after I hire them. I sure hope you’re not the punching type.

MR. JENKINS grabs a Styrofoam cup.

JEFF: Oh my God. Mr. Jenkins . . . are you? Did you?

JEFF touches him. MR. JENKINS stops in his tracks.)

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 The Purg by Stephen Brown
Copyright © MMVIII by Stephen Brown

MR. JENKINS: You okay, son?

JEFF: No, I’m really, really not okay.
MR. JENKINS: I understand; first day jitters. Don’t worry, they’ll
pass. Just give it a little bit of time.
JEFF: Hold on a second . . . where are we right now?
MR. JENKINS: Where do you think we are?
JEFF: I know where I think we are right now, what I want to know is if
you know where you are right now.
MR. JENKINS: How much coffee have you had today son?
JEFF: None!
MR. JENKINS: So you’re just naturally like this?
JEFF: Yes! I mean no. I mean, what I want to know is if you are
dead?

Pause.

MR. JENKINS: Am I dead? Are you crazy?

JEFF: Uh, no sir. I was just . . . that’s not what I meant.
MR. JENKINS: What is that like, code or something? Wait, are you
trying to sell me drugs?
JEFF: No, no sir, it’s just, I was - -
MR. JENKINS: This isn’t some kind of drug den, son. This is a
serious place where we do serious business, understand?
JEFF: Yes, sir. Of course, sir. It’s just - -
MR. JENKINS: Now, I think it’s about time you got back to work
before you dig yourself farther down in that hole.
JEFF: Yes, sir.

JEFF exits hurriedly stage right.

MR. JENKINS: Don’t make me think I made a mistake about hiring

you, Mr. Johnson.

MR. JENKINS takes a cup, fills it from the imaginary water cooler,
and takes a sip.

BLACKOUT.

THE END

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