THE TERCIOPEL RABIES: The roots of rabies.

Human beings are born defenseless, we need care, love and protection. This fact becomes a
constant in our lives. Parents are our first source of affection. We homosexuals, very early in our
childhood, tend to realize that there is something in us that, seeing how other homosexuals are
treated in our social context, makes us fear losing the affection of those around us. This is the
trigger for a process whereby we do not self-invalidate and try to become what others expect us to
be.
If we analyze our current situation we realize that, despite possible nuances, it has never been so
easy to live openly our homosexuality before in history. However, the number of suicides of young
gay men, visits to psychologists and psychiatrists, antidepressant and anxiolytic treatments, are not
decreasing among our group, what is happening? The truth, whether we like it or not, is that we
grow up disabled. Emotionally and affectively handicapped as a result of growing up in a world that,
in general terms, still does not accept us. The central "trauma" of our lives originates from the
moment we are forced to face a huge sense of shame when we have not yet learned the tools to
cope with it.

One of the elements we need to take into account is that of "validation". By validation we
understand the psychological need of every human being to feel accepted and recognized by his or
her environment. It is of vital importance when it comes to internalizing the schemas of our context,
so that we internalize much more easily those that are validated than those that, on the contrary,
receive disapproval.
Regarding shame, we must say that we avoid it through two mechanisms. On the one hand, by
avoiding the situations that provoke it. On the other hand, by eliciting the overcompensation
mechanisms. Shame has a direct relationship with anger, I understand anger as "the experience of
intense anger as a consequence of not having been able to achieve authentic validation of
ourselves". In many gays, anger is an inhibited emotion. How do we know that this emotion is
inhibited? For two reasons. First of all, very often, when the mechanisms of emotional containment
of shame fail, an immense rage is quickly unleashed, a real overreaction that indicates that this
emotion was inhibited. Secondly, very often it can be observed that the person lacks the skills to
manage his or her anger, which indicates that he or she has been avoiding this emotion and has not
learned to manage it.

How we gays overcome anger is a three-step process: 1. "Overtaken by shame," 2. "Compensating

for embarrassment" and 3. "Cultivating authenticity".
1. "Overtaken by shame".
In the first moments when we begin to realize that we are gay, many of us go through a stage of
rejection, in which we try to "stop being gay" with all our might. Being gay is a fact that, in the
earliest moments of our lives and due to the surrounding homophobia, generates a deep shame.
Facing this shame becomes the most intense effort we develop at this stage and for this, gays
employ different coping strategies. The most dramatic of these strategies is, unfortunately, suicide.
Half of all teenage suicides occur among gay youth and happen when life becomes absolutely
unbearable for the person who, in addition, feels that he or she has no hope of things changing.
Other strategies include rejection of one's sexuality, drug abuse and anonymous sex.
Rejection of one's sexuality consists of denying any possibility that one is gay, behaving like what a
heterosexual man is supposed to be (often to the point of caricature) and not only turning away, but
(sadly) also attacking anything that can be related to homosexuality. This coping strategy implies
giving rise to a dichotomized personality, which is problematic not only because of a question of
honesty, but also because the validation that the person receives is not towards his authentic self
but towards a mask that he has created for himself. This, in the long run, always brings pernicious
consequences for the psychological health of the gay person.

Drug abuse becomes a real problem for the health reasons we all know, as well as because drugs
become an element that must always be present in the gay user's social and sexual interactions to
the point that he is unable to have sex or simply go out and socialize with other gay men, if he has
not been intoxicated beforehand. The problem becomes apparent when we realize that
consumption is a reflection of his failure to deal with the shame of knowing he is homosexual. If he
is not intoxicated, he is unable to show himself to the world as gay or relate to other gays. If he is
not intoxicated, he feels unable to show his emotions and affections as a homosexual man.
Anonymous sex is another way we gays, at this early stage, cope with the shame that overcomes
us. Anonymous sex can be gratifying at a particular time but, when it is shame that compels us to
seek relationships without any kind of commitment or human depth, anonymous sex opens the door
to more problems such as all our relationships with other gay men being reduced to brief sexual
encounters acts as a confirmation of our fear of being alone. In a similar process, "compound
shame" assaults us in a cycle where we try to manage this emotion by doing things that trigger
even more shame. Sex is a method widely used by gays to lower our stress but, at the same time, it
can awaken or confirm deeper fears without us being aware of them (such as loneliness) when we
have anonymous sex encounters. Shame and guilt are mixed in almost equal parts.

Only an effort aimed at personal maturation can free the gay from this stage. By the way, how are
the sentimental relationships experienced at this stage? Often very powerful, which is not surprising
considering that the love that is felt has to be very intense to remain above the shame and
embarrassment that is being experienced at this stage. It is therefore not unusual for them to leave
such deep traces. A problem that usually appears in that, in these moments of the experience of our
homosexuality, we are not yet prepared to maintain satisfactory sentimental relationships, we are
still carrying the wounds that an invalidating context has meant for us. We often carry these wounds
for years and, just as often, we don't get rid of them until we go through an identity crisis.
The identity crisis can be resolved in two ways, cancellation and admission, although only the latter
resolves it positively. Only being openly gay can lead to authenticity.... "during the identity crisis, the
drum of shame beats loudest in the ears of the gay man. Our emotions range from panic to deep
sadness. We look at the world around us, at our friends and acquaintances and fear that very few of
them will accept us. We imagine a lonely life and we have that everything we have known so far will
disappear. However, that life does not disappear but takes on a richness and an added dimension
of emotional depth that you would never have imagined before you dared to come out of the closet."

Those who resolve their identity crisis through cancellation and refuse outright to show themselves
as gay, live a double life pretending to be fake heterosexual, hearing continuous homophobic
messages all around them without being able to present themselves to the world as who they really
are. On the other hand, it is good to know that admission does not always lead to happiness since,
very often, what it leads to is overcompensation mechanisms.
2. "Compensating for embarrassment".
In the second stage of the construction of our identity as homosexual men, shame takes on another
profile that often confuses us. We show ourselves as gay, but we develop a "façade" that seeks
validation from others. This facade can have very different appearances: image, conquests, exotic
trips, professional success, etc. Validation would be good, were it not for the fact that what is being
validated is not the person's real self, but the facade he or she has created. At this stage, the low
tolerance to invalidation comes to the surface, which translates into an inability to withstand the
slightest hint of invalidation that may befall us, whether it is obvious or a subtle invalidation. When a
gay man experiences low tolerance for invalidation, any display of invalidation triggers an emotional
outburst. The stereotype of the "bad sissy" is the best example of the gay man who is stuck at this
stage. Often this situation of intolerance to invalidation is accompanied by depression as well as a
voracious search for validation at any price.

To get out of this stage and the depression that accompanies it usually happens by living a personal
crisis in which everything that was primordial and to which all the psychological resources of the
homosexual man were destined, disappears and only that which is real and honest is preserved.
Coming out of this stage involves the experience of a "dark night of the soul" for the gay man.
One of the main obstacles to exiting this stage is the growing awareness that we have created a
facade to seek the approval (validation) of others. The realization of this mechanism, which now
seems so puerile to us, makes us even more ashamed because we realize all the mistakes we
have made. For a psychologist, working with a gay person at this stage is truly disheartening. The
patient seeks help in overcoming his deep sense of shame while the therapist knows that the only
way for the client to get out of it is to confront his past mistakes and learn from them. It seems as if
they are pursuing opposing objectives and it is difficult to get the customer to cooperate. However,
there is no other way but to face this situation and review the mistakes made throughout one's
biography. How can we get out of this vicious circle? Helping the gay man at this stage to develop
his frustration tolerance, to show him that it is human to make mistakes, that the mistakes he has
made, the subterfuges he has used, are those that all gay men have used throughout our lives to be
able to bear the enormous weight of all the homophobia we have internalized. That we had no
choice but to do it this way in order to be able to endure such a trauma as having grown up feeling
despised by most of those around you.
The gay man, at this point, learns strategies to relativize his own mistakes and accept himself with
his lights and shadows. Neither is he perfect, nor is he obliged to be, nor does the shame of being
homosexual still compel him to show a facade as fascinating as it is false. Now he can begin to be
himself and review his past mistakes to learn from them, starting with his "process addictions".

Process addictions" are circular processes consisting of behaviors that are performed to regulate
emotional states. Often, anonymous and immediately consumed sex is one of these process
addictions, why? The more resources we allocate to sex, the easier it is for this to be to the
detriment of other areas of our lives (less time for friends, career, family).
One of the emotions that gay men most often try to overcome by seeking out fast sex is loneliness.
Instead of allowing ourselves to feel lonely, we go out in search of other gays with whom to have
brief encounters that relieve us of the anxiety of being alone. But the encounters are just that: brief.
And, once they finish, they confirm that we are alone. And, again, the cycle starts over and over
again to the point where it meets all the criteria of an addiction. With this, we can see the
tremendous importance for a gay man to learn to manage his emotions.
When our self-esteem depends on sex, it is very common for fear (even phobia) of aging to appear,
so that efforts to maintain a youthful appearance become an obsession that often borders on
pathos. On the other hand, using others as a means of self-validation leads to inauthenticity, since
in order to gain access to men who are so different from each other (as is often the case with
strangers), we have to behave as what we are not really. The consequences of this are already
known to us.
In addition to sex, pornography, food, gambling, partying, drugs or shopping can serve as examples
of process addictions. Only until the gay man develops the ability to manage his emotions and is
able to connect with himself can he move on to the next stage of his identity development. To do so,
however, it will be necessary to go through yet another crisis: the crisis of meaning.

Let's review what has been said so far: something a gay man has fought so hard for, the
acceptance of his own sexuality, has led him to a life often lonely or in contact with a lot of men as
wounded or more than he is, and - certainly - much less enriching than he would have wished. So
much struggle, then, for what? Was this being gay? This is where the crisis of meaning appears,
and resolving it means being able to find authenticity.
3. "Cultivating authenticity".
First of all, when shame ceases to be the main drive in a gay man's life, it becomes necessary to
deconstruct all those patterns we have developed to cope with it: overcompensation and avoidance.
This stage usually begins with a vague sense of freedom and confusion, we have started a path but
we are not very clear about where we are going. At this stage, the archetype of the traveler
(Ulysses) becomes very close to us and, on the other hand, it is at this stage where the danger of
"cancellation" or renunciation to continue arises again. Of course this resignation does not have to
be permanent but it may take a while to come out of the confusion. Often, many gay men do
something extraordinary at this point in their development. This is the time of "big life changes",
instead of allowing ourselves to live a season in confusion, we want to run away from it by throwing
ourselves into a new life after a "radical change".
The other way to solve this stage is "resolution" and it is a much slower but more effective process.
Resolution is a process that begins with the gay man learning to tolerate stress and shame for his
mistakes. Then he begins to accept himself and to eliminate the toxic shame that used to invade
him. He begins to have the absolute certainty that, indeed, he is not someone execrable, but not
from the theoretical point of view, but from the deep identification with himself, which generates a
great feeling of calm and self-respect. He has learned that it is what it is... both for better and for
worse. The rage that flooded him so much in times past begins to dissipate just as all the masks
fade away. Freedom to know contentment with oneself is approaching.

At this time, the emotional trauma begins to heal. We learn what it means to be a man and review
all the models of masculinity that exist, not only those most popular in our context. We learn what it
means to be gay in a predominantly heterosexual world.
We have grown up without a model of affective relationship with another man. The rest of the
homosexual men, and this is very important, are equally wounded in their affections. The cards are
stacked for us to have a sentimental failure. A failure that robs us of our innocence: neither have we
felt loved by the most important man of our childhood (our father), nor have we found love in other
gay men - is this what was waiting for us? Two deeply wounded men will never be able to build a
healthy romantic relationship. At this stage, we begin to reflect on the sentimental trauma we carry
with us. It is important for us to remember two important points about emotional trauma: a)
emotional memories rarely lose intensity, and b) emotional memories powerfully affect how we
perceive affective events in the rest of our lives. In the third stage, we learn that our sentimental
trauma has powerfully influenced how we have evaluated our sentimental relationships throughout
our lives. It is then that we begin to look for a solution because we realize how difficult it will be for
us to live love in a satisfactory way until we have overcome the trauma.
In this regard it is worth noting that there are four fundamental sources of trauma in gay men:
deception, abuse, abandonment and ambivalent relationships.

Deception: "the most devastating epidemic in the gay world second only to HIV". The deception is
extremely painful, but its most devastating effect is that it generates "sentimental hopelessness".
Many gays boast of having reached a state far beyond the pursuit of a relationship, of being back to
whole again, including love. Sentimental hopelessness is really widespread among the homosexual
community. There are many gays, such as those from "queer nation" or "radical fairies" who
suggest that gays are not meant to be committed to any romantic relationship. Among other things,
they point out that other animal species where the male never stays with the female once he has
fertilized her and affirm that men are genetically programmed to be "polyamorous". However, every
time these statements appear in a gay man, it is enough to scratch a little to discover that behind it
all there is a deep disappointment and fear of pain because of love. The only way out of this
situation is acceptance, to assume that the deception is the product of the wounds of the one who
has deceived us and not the cause of our mistakes, to learn where we were wrong in order to
choose the wrong man and not make them again.
Abuse: many gay men have been abused at some point in their lives. Abuse always involves
learning that sex is a power relationship that can lead to the conviction that sex will be a way to
control others. On the other hand, as much as a young person may become aroused or have a
sexual relationship, he or she is not psychologically prepared to deal with the emotions and feelings
that a sexual encounter arouses. Let's not talk, on the other hand, about the possibility of linking sex
and violence to the point that there are those who are incapable of having an erection without a
certain paraphernalia or without certain acts of violence.

Abandonment: the worst thing about abandonment is that it does not allow closing the cycle, the
abandoned person is left with all the unanswered questions, confused and undecided about how to
continue, and without knowing where he/she went wrong. One of the worst abandonments is the
emotional abandonment that occurs even when the relationship is still physically maintained. One of
the partners forgets about the other, does not take care of him/her, does not attend to his/her needs
and does not support him/her. They may continue to live together for years, but they are not a real
couple. Emotional abandonment often precedes the breakup.
Ambivalent relationships: are those relationships in which one of the partners goes from being
affectionate and attentive to cold and insensitive in an unpredictable way, without any reason or
motive. The other member does not know what to do to make your relationship work. Nothing you
do can improve your relationship. He questions his sense of reality "is what I see real, are they my
imaginations, am I able to assess what is happening objectively?" Very often, ambivalent
relationships provoke sentimental hopelessness because it induces the belief that, whatever one
does, one will not be able to positively influence one's sentimental relationship.
Well... and, finally, we will walk the final stretch to the contentment of the interior. The stretch in
which the gay man begins to build a life of meaning (sense), purpose and fulfillment. Three
elements are essential and recognizable in all those (gay and non-gay) who have reached this
stage of personal contentment: passion, love and integrity.
By passion we mean the repeated experience of joy in doing something. Joy is what other authors
have defined as "flow", that feeling of well-being in which time seems to stop and our concentration
flows in the task we are performing without any effort. For many gays, the problem is not
experiencing joy, but being aware that they are experiencing joy. Often many gays have not
developed the ability to realize that they are experiencing joy in some of their daily life activities and
compulsively seek strong emotions. To overcome this, it is advisable to put ourselves in situations
in which we are predisposed to experience joy (that which makes us feel good, that which we like),
to become aware that we are experiencing joy and, finally, to repeat those behaviors that bring us
joy. Joy is fundamental because, unlike validation (approval), it comes from within us, while
approval depends on others. They are certainly not opposites and one can experience joy in
activities that will also bring us the approval of others.
Love: often, many gay men experience a disheartening realization that we have never really felt
loved in our lives. It often pains us to realize that we have accepted substitutes for love or love only
in men who met certain prerequisites of image, lifestyle, etc. When we learn to recognize the joy in
our lives, we begin to recognize those men in whose company we experience it. Then we begin to
discover that love is born towards men who may not meet a certain list of requirements but in
whose company we do experience joy (and they in our company) and this is all that matters.

Integrity: a gay man must make a conscious effort to maintain his integrity, that which makes him
externalize what he truly believes in. Integrity requires man to attend to those ways in which he
might be denying himself. It is the final result of all our inner work because it comes to say: "what I
am is something so valuable that it deserves to be presented to the world as it is, without disguises
or deceptions".
(Text by Gabriel J. Martin, based on The Velvet Rage, Alan Downs)