小品：“不差钱”

（2009 年中央电视台春节联欢晚会节目）
Got the Money Anyway（舞台上是一个餐厅的背景，写着：“苏格兰情调”。本
山大叔穿着中山装，身上背着一串蒜头，手上拿着野鸡，拉着毛毛上场。）
(This short play is set in a restaurant named "Scottish Taste / Feel." Uncle Zhao, in his
customary Chinese tunic suit, enters, carrying a string of garlic on his back and a
pheasant in hand, with his granddaughter Yadar in tow.)
Uncle Zhao Here we are. 赵本山：到了。

Yadar Here we are. 毛毛： 到了。

Uncle Zhao It's the most expensive restrant in Tieling:苏格兰 调情~~~

赵本山：这就是铁岭最贵的一家饭店。这不，苏格兰调情（tiáo qíng）。
Yadar You got it wrong –苏格兰情调！！
毛毛： 爷爷，你念反了，苏格兰情调（qíng diào）。

Uncle Zhao 情调（qíng diào） All right, . We're gonna have our meal here anyway.
赵本山：啊，情调？就搁这儿吃。

Yadar But it's very expensive. 毛毛： 爷爷，这家老贵的啦。

Uncle Zhao So what? We've got the money, 30,000 yuan. Where's the bag?
赵本山：贵？咱带钱了，带三万多块，那包呢？

Yadar What bag? 毛毛： 我没拿包啊。

Uncle Zhao The yellow one with the money in it.
赵本山：装钱那包，黄包。

Yadar Oh no, I left it on the brick bed. 毛毛： 完了，让我落炕上了。

Uncle Zhao oh,what can I do? I do all this just for you ,how could you forget it! Any
money left on you?
赵本山：我说，你这孩子还能办点事吗？！这给你办事，落炕上了还。兜里还有
钱吗？
Yadar Let me see... (Fumbling) only 70-plus yuan.

毛毛： 兜里，多少钱哪才？才 70 多块钱。

Uncle Zhao Here's 400 more.
赵本山：我还有 400。行，够了。

Yadar Still not enough. 毛毛： 这也不能够啊。

Uncle Zhao It’s ok. Waiter!
赵本山：哎呀，够不够就这样了。服务员！

（小沈阳上）(Shenyang, the waiter, enters.)

Shenyang Sorry, sir. We're of high class here. We don't take on stuff from street .
小沈阳：对不起大爷，我们这是高档酒店，不收农副产品。
Uncle Zhao We're your customers. Don't we look like it?
赵本山：不是，我们是吃饭的。不像啊？(翻起衣服，露出衣服里面的百元大钞)
Shenyang oh yeah yeah yeah ….
小沈阳：是的是的。。。。
Uncle Zhao this is an important meal here, miss.
赵本山：我说姑娘啊，这顿饭非常重要。
Shenyang I’m not a miss ,I’m a man ,a real man from the inside out.
小沈阳：妈呀，你管谁叫姑娘呢，人家是纯爷们。
Shenyang Uncle Zhao Then, how can you wear in a skirt?
赵本山：咋这么个打扮，还穿个裙子呢。
Shenyang See, it's no skirt but Capri pants .it's men's wear in Scottish style.. Look at
this, look. Oh, damn it, I get into one of the trousers in a hurry. No wonder I feel
different while walking.
小沈阳：这是按我们苏格兰风格来包装的。再说也不是裙子啊，这不七分裤吗。
你看，是有腿的哦。妈呀，着急穿跑偏了。妈呀，我说走道咋没有裆呢。
Uncle Zhao Leave that trouser for tomorrow, hah! I tell you, boy, we're gonna have a
important guest here in a minute. You must do you' best.
赵本山：行了，那条腿留明儿个穿，哈哈哈。小伙子我跟你说呀，今天我要请一
位重要客人吃饭，你一定要招待好。
Shenyang No problem.
小沈阳：呃，没问题。
Uncle Zhao How much did the most expensive meal cost here? .
赵本山：我问问你，你们这个酒店把最贵的都点上得多少钱？
Shenyang About 10,000 to 20,000.
小沈阳：得一、两万的。
Uncle Zhao What if somebody eats today and pays tomorrow?
赵本山：一、两万？啊，那啥，有没有这种情况，今儿个吃完了，明儿个来结账

Shenyang Are you IOU?

小沈阳：打白条儿啊？
Uncle Zhao Not that. I've got the money anyway. Take this.
赵本山：不是啊，不是打白条，不差钱，有钱。喏。
Shenyang What's it?
小沈阳：啥意思？
Uncle Zhao A tip for you.
赵本山：小费。
Shenyang You are handsome, sir - you look cool!
小沈阳：妈呀，大爷你真敞亮，你太帅了。
Uncle Zhao that’ok . but you are not get it for nothing'. When my guest comes, you
put on a show with me. If I order expensive food, you should stop me doing so.
赵本山：给一百块钱还帅呢。我跟你说这不白给啊。一会儿客人到了，你一定要
给足我面子，明白吗？我到点菜的时候，你得替我兜着点。
Shenyang Like how’s?
小沈阳：咋兜呢？
Uncle Zhao Showing due respect for my guest, but don not too expensive .What if I
ask for something dear?
赵本山：既把面子给了，但是呢又不能花得......太狠。我要点贵菜......
Shenyang I'll say "sorry, this we don't have."
小沈阳：我就说没有呗。
Uncle Zhao You're smart. Come on boy ,
赵本山：哎呀妈呀，你太厉害了。来来来，拿点.（从衣服里又拿出钱）
Shenyang Thank you
小沈阳：谢谢。
Yadar Grandpa, I'm hungry.
毛毛： 爷爷，我有点饿了。
Uncle Zhao How much's a bowl of noodles?
赵本山：饿了？来碗面条。
Shenyang 78 yuan.
小沈阳：呃，78 一碗。
Uncle Zhao What noodles can be so expensive?
赵本山：啥面？这么贵。
Shenyang Scottish sauced noodles.
小沈阳：苏格兰打卤面。
Uncle Zhao Does the sauce cost much?
赵本山：是不是卤子贵？
Shenyang It's free.
小沈阳：卤不要钱。
Uncle Zhao Get us a bowl of sauce, so we can see whether the taste is right. Tack it
quack!
赵本山：那就来碗卤子，先尝尝咸淡。快去，快去。
Shenyang It is no one to called before, sir.
小沈阳：妈呀，没这么上过呀。
Uncle Zhao You think so only because I didn't show up here before. Now it's time to
make change.
赵本山：那是我没来，我要来，你早就这么上了。去吧去吧。
Shenyang (to himself) If I say noodle free, ask for noodle have.
小沈阳：这老爷子，我要说面条不要钱，要面条了你还。

Uncle Zhao (to Yadar) Listen here, Yadar. When Mr. Bi from CCTV's 星 光 大 道
comes, you must show your' best, OK?
赵本山：来，站起来。跟你说，一会儿星光大道的毕老师来了，你一定要给我争
个脸，好不？
Yadar:ok.
毛毛： 好吧。
Uncle zhao : It's the best opportunity for you' own future. Grandpa's been preparin
you over the past 40-plus years.
赵本山：这是个绝好的机会，爷爷我已经培养你 40 年了。
Yadar Grandpa,see how old I now.
毛毛：看我才多大呀？、
Uncle Zhao I prepared you' daddy for 30 extra years. Though he is not good enough,
So you really should outdo him. Can you make it ?

赵本山：我还培养你爸三十多年呢。这不，你爸那是个半成品，我都给培养成文
化站站长了。你一定要超过他，有决心吗？
Yadar I can.
毛毛：我能！
Uncle Zhao That is my girl, good for you .

(小沈阳再次上场.)
Shenyang Here's the sauce for you.
小沈阳：给你的汤
Uncle Zhao (to Yadar) Eat this, so you won't be too hungry.

Yadar Grandpa, it's a bit salty.

Uncle Zhao (to Shenyang) Fetch her some water to drink.

Shenyang free water?

Uncle Zhao of carouse.

Shenyang： ok， wait a minute.

（毕福剑上）（小沈阳扔掉手中的东西）非常滑稽
Shenyang oh a oh a …. You are that one ??you are..you are..you are Zhujun! Oh
sorry.you are..you are you are Bai Yansong? Oh no. you are…you are Mr Bi ! Are you
Mr. Bi?

小沈阳： 哟，你不是那谁吗，你是那个......蒙住了。朱军？！不是朱军。白岩
松？！不是。老毕......你是毕老师吗？！
CCTV Man I'm Bi Fujian.
毕福剑：我姓毕。
henyang Come here everyone, it`s Mr. Bi here.
小沈阳 毕老师来了，快来人啊，毕老师来了。
Uncle Zhao Hi Hi Hi!!!Watch ever !
赵本山：干啥，吵吵巴火的？
Shenyang He's Mr. Bi...
小沈阳：毕老师......
Uncle Zhao I know, he's my guest.
赵本山：我知道，这就是我要请的客人。
Shenyang Mr. Bi,can I take a picture with you?
小沈阳：毕老师，你给我照个相呗！
赵本山: 你先等一会儿。刚到是吧？
Uncle Zhao (to Shenyang) Wait, wait. (To CCTV Man) Welcome, Mr. Bi.
CCTV Man Nice to meet you.
毕福剑：你好
Uncle Zhao I've been wait you for a long time.
赵本山：我在这儿等半天了。
CCTV Man Thanks a lot really. You are?
毕福剑：你好你好。请问您是......？
Uncle Zhao Are you looking for~?
赵本山：你找谁？
CCTV Man I'm looking for Zhao Tiezhu.
毕福剑：我找莲花乡文化站站长赵铁柱。
Uncle Zhao oh~~~You got it. Here's his daddy ...
赵本山：找对了，这就是赵铁柱的爹，我是......
Yadar Zhao Tiezhu is my daddy.
毛毛： 赵铁柱是我爹。
Uncle Zhao Ho, I'm Tiezhu's daddy. Aren't you looking for a dad?
赵本山：我是赵铁柱的爹。你不是找爹吗？
CCTV Man yes, daddy... oh no !I’m looking for your son,Where is your son?
毕福剑：爹......不是，我找您儿子。
Uncle Zhao He's at the township waiting for you. thery welcome you very warmly!
they've prepared a great hall, a big room, with a large photo of you hung in the
middle. Flowers all around.
赵本山：他在乡里等你呢。啊呀，乡里布置得老隆重啊，乡长、书记都在那儿排
队等你呢。布一个大厅，完事弄一个大房间，给你弄一个大照片挂中间，周围全
是花呀。
CCTV Man What're the colors ?
毕福剑：老哥，这花都什么颜色？
Uncle Zhao They're all in white and yellow. Soo beautiful!!
赵本山：白的、黄的都有啊。很漂亮。
CCTV Man What?/Why?
毕福剑：为什么？
Uncle Zhao They're so excited.
赵本山：这不激动吗，你去了。
CCTV Man Let's go there, then.
毕福剑：咱去乡里吧。
Uncle Zhao Oh no!! you know here is the best restaurant in 铁岭, How abut that?
赵本山：别介，乡里布置我，说先搁铁岭吃一顿，完事上那儿。你看吧。
CCTV Man ohno on on on on on on ! I've had my meal on the plane.
毕福剑：别别，大爷，不，老哥，我在飞机上吃了。
Uncle Zhao You're my guest, so please follow me.
赵本山：那客随主便，好不好？给你怎么安排你就听话，来来。
Shenyang Mir Bi ,take a photo with you ??
小沈阳：毕老师，你不给照个相吗？毕老师。
CCTV Man (to Shenyang) You're... a male waiter?
毕福剑：你是男服务员？
Shenyang Yup
小沈阳：嗯哪。
CCTV Man hei hei hei……You looks so sweet, boy.
毕福剑：长得挺委婉的。
Uncle Zhao I agree with you. haha…….we are must be townee.

赵本山：来这边，我们一定是老乡。
CCTV Man Really?
毕福剑：真的？
Uncle Zhao Aren’t you from Dalian?
赵本山：你不是大连人吗？
CCTV Man yes !.
毕福剑 是的
Uncle Zhao oh !yeth ,now! look! he smiles like the last picture of your dead
grandpa.Yadar, Say hello to your new grandpa.
赵本山 .哎呀，这一笑，你看看，多像你姥爷临走那张照片。鸭蛋快认姥爷。

Yadar (kneeling down / with a kowtow) How do you do, grandpa.

毛毛： 姥爷好。
CCTV Man Don't, please. It`s Spring Festvial now, and I should have given you
some gift money.
毕福剑：别别别，起起......。大过年的，你要来这个，我得给你压岁钱了。
Uncle Zhao no no no no no !Don’t do that !let’s have meal first.
赵本山：不用，不用。我们先吃饭吧。
Uncle Zhao (清喉咙后) waiter ,give me the menu.
赵本山：服务员
Shenyang yeth
小沈阳：你好（递菜单）
Uncle Zhao Australian abalones, four.
赵本山：澳洲鲍鱼四只。
Shenyang Sorry, no.
小沈阳：对不起，没有。
CCTV Man Too expensive anyway. Let's move on down.
毕福剑：算了，别点那么贵的。你往下来。
Uncle Zhao Lobsters of 2 kilos each.
赵本山：四斤的龙虾。
小沈阳：对不起，没那么大的
Shenyang Sorry, It’no big enough.
Uncle Zhao What kind~ do you have~?
赵本山：有多大的？
Shenyang Half a kilo each.
小沈阳：有一斤多的。
Uncle Zhao r~e~a~l~~ly have ?
赵本山：......有吗？
Shenyang Yes we do... or no?
小沈阳：有......还是没有啊？
Uncle Zhao Come on, boy, it's you take care of things here. Don't you know what
you've got and what not? (摸着口袋)Enough money!!.
赵本山：这个......我跟你说，有没有，这是你开的店呢，你还不明白？这不差钱。
Shenyang OH it’ no.
小沈阳：哦......那没有。
Uncle Zhao Here is nothing to serve. I’m angry . Where's you' boss? Get him here.
赵本山： 你这酒店怎么要啥啥没有呢？干什么玩意儿吃的？这毕老师容易来一
趟？把你老板找来
Shenyang Sorry no!
小沈阳：没有。
Uncle Zhao You just get two words,yes !on! you boss !
赵本山：你就记住一个没有了，是不？老板。
Shenyang OH... the boss is out.
小沈阳：啊，老板哪？老板出去了。
Uncle Zhao Where's he?
赵本山：上哪儿去了？
Shenyang I don’t know!(语速快一点)
小沈阳：不知道。
Uncle Zhao What shall we eat, then?
赵本山：啥玩意儿呀你？你说吃啥呀？
CCTV Man Hi, It’too expensve.Just something homely,ok??
毕福剑：来点儿家常便饭。民间的。
ncle Zhao All right, A lovely little chicken boiled with mushrooms.
赵本山：民间的是吧？来民间的吧，孩子，来个小野鸡炖蘑菇。
UShenyang sorry, no!
小沈阳：没有。
Uncle Zhao That’s one you can have.赵本山：这个可以有。
Shenyang That’s one we really don't have. 小沈阳：这个......真没有。

Uncle Zhao All right, you get it, Yadar. take it here. Lucky we didn't come with
empty hands.
赵本山：我给你带来了啊，咱有。来，丫蛋，把这拿来。哎呀，多亏带来了。
CCTV Man No, buddy... Why bother yourself with every thing when coming to a
restaurant?
毕福剑：老哥...... 你怎么下一趟饭店，材料都自己备？
Uncle Zhao oh moey!!(捡钱) er… the truth is that thery have nothing,through with a
lot of money.
赵本山：关键是这东西他们花钱都找不来。
CCTV Man oh I know!
Uncle Zhao Now,we are wonder how about yours?
赵本山：给你们点机会。毕老师来一回，你们饭店表示不？
Shenyang We should show one for free?
小沈阳： 赠送一个呗。
Uncle Zhao 嗯哼~~~
Shenyang Hi Sr? you are too tip .How can you do this !
Uncle Zhao I did my order, boy. But what did you have?
赵本山：我说小伙子，咱们不是一个没点。我点完之后，鲍鱼、龙虾你都没有。
Shenyang You understand we have no?
小沈阳：有没有，你心里还没数吗？
Uncle Zhao Do I understand???

赵本山： 这差钱还是咋的？
小沈阳：我知道大爷不差钱。我的意思，毕老师好容易来一回，咱吃喝不能在乎
钱，大爷。你看我今年岁数小，但是我总结了，人这一生其实可短暂了，有时候
一想，跟睡觉是一样一样的。眼睛一闭，一睁，一天过去了；眼睛一闭，不睁，
这辈子就过去了。
Shenyang yes ,Sir,I known you have a lot of money. but with Mr. Bi here, can't you
stop being so stingy? Every body see I am still young, but I see life can be very
short, it sometimes is much like take a sleep. Eyes closed, eyes opened, and a whole
day is over. Eyes closed but never opened - then your whole life is over.
SCCTV Man That`s wit!
毕福剑：小伙子，精辟。
Uncle Zhao not wit! To me he just like a shit！
赵本山：精辟啥，他是屁精。
Shenyang Do you know what is the most painful thing in the world?
小沈阳：大爷, 你知道世界上最痛苦的事是什么吗？
Uncle Zhao what?
赵本山：嗯？
Shenyang sir, is to die leaving your money unused
小沈阳：人死了，钱没花了。
Uncle Zhao Do you know the most most most painful thing in the land?
赵本山：人这一生最最痛苦的事，你知道是什么吗？
小沈阳：Is’what?
Uncle Zhao ... is to be left living with your money gone. Don't worry, boy. If you play
your part well, I'll pay you well. So , Please be quack!
赵本山：是人活着呢，钱没了。不差钱，放心吧，啊。把菜好好做上。
Shenyang soo cheep !!。 小沈阳：....这也太抠了。

Uncle Zhao Deer-in-low ! my granddaughter is good at singsing .

赵本山：他姥爷，我孙女擅长唱歌。
SCCTV Man：en?? 毕福剑：是吗？
Uncle Zhao: En!! Yardar, show something for your new grandpap.
赵本山：当然，鸭蛋，给你新姥爷唱两句。
Uncle Zhao Sing "The Qingzang Plateau" by Li Gu yi.
赵本山：唱李谷一的《青藏高原》。

Yadar It`s by Li Na. 毛毛： 那歌是李娜的。

Uncle Zhao Whover it is. Begin. 赵本山：爱谁谁的，你唱
（现场配音《青藏高原》。）

毛毛： "是谁带来远古的呼唤？是谁留下千年的期盼......"
Uncle Zhao No no no .not this part. Like this.ho~~~~`
赵本山：中间的不用唱了，最后那个。哦哟啦，那个。

毛毛： "......那就是青藏高原。"
SCCTV Man：En! Soo youg! Her voice is soo cool !
毕福剑：真好听，跟真的一样。
Uncle Zhao Ofcourse！
赵本山：那当然。（小沈阳忍俊不禁）
Shenyang：That’s good ? If she can go there, so can I.
小沈阳：这就不错啊？这样能上的话，我也能上。
Uncle Zhao Where to? 赵本山：往哪上啊你！快上菜去。
Shenyang：Mr Bi here ,please give a chance to sing!
小沈阳：毕老师在这，给我个机会吧。
Uncle Zhao：you just a waiter!
赵本山：你只是个小二。
Shenyang If you don't let me sing, I won't serve you the meal.
小沈阳：不让我唱，我就不给你上菜。
Uncle Zhao If you don't serve me the meal, I'll get you' boss here.赵本山：你不给我
上菜，我找你老板去。
Shenyang If you get my boss here, I'll put you out just now.
小沈阳：你找我老板，我把你交代我的事说出来。
Uncle Zhao If you speak... speak… speak…I know you speak better than you sing.
赵本山：你要说......他指定比唱的好。
CCTV Man (to Shenyang) Well,young man, what can you do ?
Shenyang I can sing 刘欢’song.
CCTV Man :which song ?
Shenyang : You and me .

小沈阳：。嗯哼哼哼 "我和你，心连心,同住地球......"。我把唱词给忘了好像。
Shenyang : I say a wrong.
Uncle Zhao You've lost you' tune. Say, It's more like a monkey show. Look at that
empty trouser.
赵本山：拉倒吧，你唱跑偏了，你这裤子就穿跑偏了，你就是个跑偏的人。
Shenyang Can I try it again ,Mr bi? Can I try it again?
小沈阳：我再重唱一个吧。毕老师，我再重唱一个行吗？
CCTV Man Any other song at your beck ? 毕福剑：哪首歌你还比较拿手？

Shenyang The song by Maike jiek xun。 小沈阳：迈克杰克逊的歌。

（开唱，如果会，就真人版，如果不会就配音《you’r not alone》）
CCTV Man : what eles song can you sing? 毕福剑:你还会唱什么？
Shenyang： I also can sing 《山路十八弯》
CCTV Man：Soo good, come on , please!
大山的子孙呦~~》。（开唱，如果会，就真人版，如果不会就配音《山路十八
弯》）
Shenyang： I start so high !（唉不上去了的时候）
小沈阳：调起高了。
CCTV Man：Be quancer please! (小沈阳接着唱)
CCTV Man Good! So what's your name? 毕福剑：你叫什么名字？
Shenyang My Chinese stage name's Xiao Shenyang,
小沈阳：我的中文名字叫小沈阳。
CCTV Man Also got a foreign name? 毕福剑：还有外国名字？

小沈阳： My English name is Xiao Shenyang。

CCTV Man: what? 毕福剑：叫什么？
Uncle Zhao See? His English name's 小损样~~~~.
赵本山：没听明白吗？英文名字叫"小损样"。
CCTV Man (to Uncle Zhao) He's the one your son recomand me
毕福剑： 老哥，你儿子让我找的小沈阳，就是他。
赵本山、：(⊙v⊙)嗯？？？？
Shenyang Is that me? 小沈阳：是我吗？
CCTV Man ：Yes! Please go to Beijing with me tomorrow ,ok?
毕福剑：你明天跟我一起去趟北京,好吗？

Shenyang Can I？？ 小沈阳：我能去吗？

CCTV Man ：OH yes!!
Shenyang :啊！！~~~~···I’m so excited!
Uncle Zhao :How about you granddaughter? All the things are still being cooked
there for you . It's OK if you think nothing of me, but do please show something
mercy on the girl's poor dead grandpa. How about ask him to talk to you face to face.
赵本山：他姥爷，这孩子你看你......这都实在亲戚。另外，这些东西我都给你炖
了。你不给我面子，也得给她姥爷面子。再不行让他姥爷亲自跟你说说？
CCTV Man Oh, no. Don’t please. I would like to know what’s her name.
毕福剑：别别。我想知道她的......她有名儿吗？
Uncle Zhao Oh! As a matter of fact, she is quite famous . The girl with the name
"Yadar" is her.
赵本山：不是有名儿没名儿。我不是推荐她，她挺有名气的。
CCTV Man So she's the Yadar in sohu ???
毕福剑：哦，搜狐网上说的丫蛋就是她？
Uncle Zhao Sure. 赵本山：就是她嘛。
CCTV Man :It’s so good. (To Shenyang) Serve the meal quick. I'll pay the bill. And
Yadar, you go off to Beijing tomorrow along with Shenyang.
毕福剑：太好了。你马上上菜，今天这顿饭我包了，我请客。丫蛋，你明天跟着
大哥一起去北京，
Yadar Can I really go? 毛毛： 我也能去了？
CCTV Man Of course. 毕福剑：可以啊。

Yadar Thank you, grandpa. 毛毛： 谢谢姥爷。

Shenyang Thank you, grandpa. 小沈阳：谢谢姥爷。
Uncle Zhao Dear in-law, Thery are going to Beijing,how about me?
赵本山：亲家，他们都要去北京了，我可以吗？
CCTV Man ：you???/
Uncle Zhao : Can I going with them ?
CCTV Man ：Why??
Uncle Zhao :There's a little secret I haven't told you yet.
赵本山：我有个重要秘密没跟您透露。
CCTV Man What's it?
毕福剑：什么秘密？
My grandpa is also surnamed Bi.
赵本山：其实我姥爷也姓毕。
（演员谢幕）