BOAT email: n.sribanjong@gmail.

com

These days many people are gaining more weight which is often unhealthy consumption
is a factor of healthy if they get a poor diet to do unhealthy. This essay will discuss the causes of
this problem and offer some practical solutions to combat them.
First, many people prefer fast food more than a homecooked meal because it tests better
and is inexpensive but fast food is high in sodium as it is used as a preservative, making the food
more flavorful and satisfying. therefore, these contribute to an unhealthy lifestyle which causes
them to have over gain weight. The government should campaign for people interested in health
by balancing their diet to solve this problem. Consumption of fruits and vegetables is necessary
to balance their diet.
Another cause is the lack of exercise which everyone nowadays is too busy because they
work almost one – a third of the day and spend most of their working hours sitting. The lack of
exercise is a major reason for various effects on the body and health, therefore, exercise is
necessary for lifestyle and health. To solve this problem for lack of exercise, The people manage
their time for exercise at least them still fifteen minutes of the day or forty-five minutes of the
day in these weeks such as walking or running on treadmills and cycling on a bicycle which
made them healthy.
In conclusion, unhealthy eating habits and physical inactivity are leading causes thus
health care is necessary for having a sedentary lifestyle. I would advise that people consume
healthy foods and avoid foods that are high in fat. Exercise should also be part of their routine.
BOAT email: n.sribanjong@gmail.com

GOOD POINTS – First of all, you did a good job answering the given tasks krub, Boat 😊

These days many people are gaining more weight which is often unhealthy consumption
is a factor of healthy if they get a poor diet to do unhealthy. This essay will discuss the causes of
this problem and offer some practical solutions to combat them. Commented [PM1]: OK krub—the tasks are answered
(causes and solutions)
First, many people prefer fast food more than a homecooked meal because it tests better Commented [PM2]: Topic vocab
and is inexpensive but fast food is high in sodium as it is used as a preservative, making the food
more flavorful and satisfying. therefore, these contribute to an unhealthy lifestyle which causes
them to have over gain weight. The government should campaign for people interested in health
by balancing their diet to solve this problem. Consumption of fruits and vegetables is necessary
to balance their diet.

Another cause is the lack of exercise which everyone nowadays is too busy because they Commented [PM3]: Clear krub – but you should put a full
work almost one – a third of the day and spend most of their working hours sitting. The lack of stop here See my comments on long sentences below
exercise is a major reason for various effects on the body and health, therefore, exercise is krub.
necessary for lifestyle and health. To solve this problem for lack of exercise, The people manage Commented [PM4]: Good paragraph development – you
their time for exercise at least them still fifteen minutes of the day or forty-five minutes of the support your first sentence with relevant supporting
day in these weeks such as walking or running on treadmills and cycling on a bicycle which sentences here krub
made them healthy. Commented [PM5]: Good krub – the reader knows by
reading this sentence that the solution is coming
In conclusion, unhealthy eating habits and physical inactivity are leading causes thus Commented [PM6]: Topic vocabulary
health care is necessary for having a sedentary lifestyle. I would advise that people consume
healthy foods and avoid foods that are high in fat. Exercise should also be part of their routine. Commented [PM7]: Good krub – you mentioned these 2
solutions in the body paragraphs and you put them here.
BOAT email: n.sribanjong@gmail.com
LONG SENTENCES – Long sentences tend to be inaccurate, so it is strongly advised that
long sentences (25+ words) are avoided krub. Use full stops more often. 😊
These days many people are gaining more weight which is often unhealthy consumption
is a factor of healthy if they get a poor diet to do unhealthy. This essay will discuss the causes of
this problem and offer some practical solutions to combat them.
First, many people prefer fast food more than a homecooked meal because it tests better
and is inexpensive but fast food is high in sodium as it is used as a preservative, making the food
more flavorful and satisfying (39 words). [USE FULL STOPS: First, many people prefer fast food
more than a homecooked meal because it tests better and is inexpensive (18 words) |||||||| But
fast food is high in sodium as it is used as a preservative, making the food more flavorful and
satisfying (21 words).] therefore, these contribute to an unhealthy lifestyle which causes them to
have over gain weight. The government should campaign for people interested in health by
balancing their diet to solve this problem. Consumption of fruits and vegetables is necessary to
balance their diet.
Another cause is the lack of exercise which everyone nowadays is too busy because they
work almost one – a third of the day and spend most of their working hours sitting. (31 words).
[USE FULL STOPS: Another cause is the lack of exercise (7 words). |||||||| Everyone nowadays is
too busy because they work almost one (10 words). |||||||| They spend a third of the day and most
of their working hours sitting (14 words).] The lack of exercise is a major reason for various
effects on the body and health, therefore, exercise is necessary for lifestyle and health. To solve
this problem for lack of exercise, The people manage their time for exercise at least them still
fifteen minutes of the day or forty-five minutes of the day in these weeks such as walking or
running on treadmills and cycling on a bicycle which made them healthy. [USE FULL STOPS: To
solve this problem for lack of exercise, The people manage their time for exercise at
least them still fifteen minutes of the day or forty-five minutes of the day |||||||| They can
walk and run on treadmills and cycle on a bicycle.]
In conclusion, unhealthy eating habits and physical inactivity are leading causes thus
health care is necessary for having a sedentary lifestyle. I would advise that people consume
healthy foods and avoid foods that are high in fat. Exercise should also be part of their routine.
Commented [PM8]: ORGINAL: These days many people
are gaining more weight which is often unhealthy
consumption is a factor of healthy if they get a poor diet to
do unhealthy.
แปลว่า ทุกวันนี้ ผู้คนจำนวนมำกมีน้ำหนักเพิ่มขึน้ ซึ่งมักจะ
เป็ นกำรบริโภคทีไ่ ม่ดีต่อสุขภำพ ซึ่งเป็ นปั จจัยทีด่ ตี ่อสุขภำพ
หำกพวกเขำได้ รับอำหำรทีไ่ ม่ดีเพื่อทำสิ่งทีไ่ ม่ดีต่อสุขภำพ.
As you can see, it is difficult to read and sometimes it does
not make sense krub.
---
USE FULL STOPS: These days many people are gaining more
weight. // Unhealthy consumption is one factor of this
problem.
ทุกวันนีห้ ลายคนมีนา้ หนักเพิ่มขึน้ // การบริโภคที่ไม่ดีต่อสุขภาพ
เป็ นปัจจัยหนึ่งของปัญหานี ้
แต่ถา้ เขียนแบบนีโ้ บ้ทสังเกตมัย้ ครับว่า มันพูดถึงสาเหตุแค่ขอ้ เดียว
(คือการกิน) แต่ไม่ได้พูดถึงสาเหตุขอ้ สอง (คือการขาดการออก
กาลังกาย)
วิธีแก้คือ ไม่ตอ้ งให้สาเหตุอะไรเลยใน intro ครับ ให้คนอ่านไปเอง
These days many people are gaining more weight. This
essay will discuss the causes of this problem and offer some
practical solutions to combat them.
BOAT email: n.sribanjong@gmail.com

ORGANIZATION
These days many people are gaining more weight which is often unhealthy consumption
is a factor of healthy if they get a poor diet to do unhealthy. This essay will discuss the causes of
this problem and offer some practical solutions to combat them.
First, many people prefer fast food more than a homecooked meal because it tests better
and is inexpensive but fast food is high in sodium as it is used as a preservative, making the food
more flavorful and satisfying. therefore, these contribute to an unhealthy lifestyle which causes
them to have over gain weight. The government To solve this problem, the government Commented [PM9]: ต้องมีวลีนค
ี ้ รับ เพื่อบอกคนอ่านว่า ปย
should campaign for people interested in health by balancing their diet to solve this problem. ถัดไปจะเป็ นทางแก้ละนะ
Consumption of fruits and vegetables is necessary to balance their diet.
Another cause is the lack of exercise which everyone nowadays is too busy because they
work almost one – a third of the day and spend most of their working hours sitting. The lack of
exercise is a major reason for various effects on the body and health, therefore, exercise is
necessary for lifestyle and health. To solve this problem for lack of exercise, The people manage
their time for exercise at least them still fifteen minutes of the day or forty-five minutes of the
day in these weeks such as walking or running on treadmills and cycling on a bicycle which
made them healthy.
In conclusion, unhealthy eating habits and physical inactivity are leading causes thus
health care is necessary for having a sedentary lifestyle. I would advise that people consume
healthy foods and avoid foods that are high in fat. Exercise should also be part of their routine.
BOAT email: n.sribanjong@gmail.com

GOOD POINTS
These days many people are gaining more weight which is often unhealthy consumption

is a factor of healthy if they get a poor diet to do unhealthy. This essay will discuss the causes of Commented [PM10]: See my comment in the previous
page na krub

this problem and offer some practical solutions to combat them.

SAMPLE: Overweight has become a common problem among people in various countries. This Commented [PhD0311]: สังเกตมัย
้ เอ่ยว่า model ที่ดีเริ่มต้น
essay will discuss the causes of this problem and offer some practical solutions to combat them.
ด้วย keyword เลยครับ อ่านแล้วไม่หลุดโจทย์แน่นอน
Commented [P12]: โจทย์ถาม causes, solutions
ดังนัน้ intro เราพูดถึง “causes” and “solutions” ชัดๆ ไม่ออ้ ม
ค้อม
BOAT email: n.sribanjong@gmail.com

First, many people prefer fast food more than a homecooked meal because it tests tastes

better and is inexpensive but fast food is high in sodium as it is used as a preservative, making

the food more flavorful and satisfying. therefore, these Therefore, this type of food can Commented [PM13]: = fast food ใน ปย ก่อนหน้าครับ
(อาหารพวกนีน้ าไปสู่...)

contribute to an unhealthy lifestyle which causes them to have over gain weight health Commented [PM14]: อาหารไม่ได้นาไปสู่ lifestyle ทีไ่ ม่ดีนะ
ครับ
อาหารนาไปสู่โรคต่างๆ มากกว่าครับ: contribute to health
problems such as obesity. The government should campaign for people interested launch a
problems

campaign to make people interested in their health by balancing their diet to solve this Commented [PM15]: Vocab: “launch a campaign”

problem. Consumption of fruits and vegetables is necessary to balance their diet. Commented [PM16]: ปย ไม่ผิดแกรมม่าร์ แต่ไม่ได้ตอบโจทย์
ครับ
โจทย์ถามทางแก้ ดังนัน้ เราควรเขียนว่า: People should also
consume fruits and vegetables.

ลองเทียบนะครับ
ถาม - เราจะแก้ปัญหาโรคอ้วนยังไง
ตอบ 1 – คนควร (should) จะหันมากินผัก
ตอบ 2 – การกินผักสาคัญในการบาลานซ์ไดเอท

คาตอบไหนตอบคาถามได้ดีกว่าครับ?
BOAT email: n.sribanjong@gmail.com

Perhaps the major cause of obesity is the introduction of fast food. For many people, fast food Commented [PhD0317]: ประโยคนีบ
้ อกคนอ่านชัดเจนว่า
1.กาลังตอบโจทย์เรื่อง สาเหตุ (cause) ของ overweight

such as hamburgers and fried chickens taste better than salads or home-cooked meals. They are Commented [PhD0318]: มีการยกตัวอย่างทาให้ย่อหน้ายาว
ขึน้
also more convenient because they can be found almost anywhere in town. However, it is Commented [PhD0319]: อธิบายเพิ่มว่าทาไม fast food ถึง
เป็ นสาเหตุทาให้เกิด obesity ทาให้ย่อหน้ายาวขึน้
widely acknowledged that fast food is high in calorie and rich in fat, the two factors that Commented [P20]: GR: Academic language + passive
voice (be+v3)

contribute greatly to overweight. A regular consumption of unhealthy food will eventually lead Commented [P21]: LR: collocation

to obesity. One solution to this problem is that people should balance their diet and consume Commented [P22]: ตัวเชื่อมบอกคนอ่านว่าเรากาลังจะพูดถึง
ทางแก้ ... ถ้าไม่มีตรงนี ้ คนอ่านจะไม่รูว้ ่าเรากาลังจะพูดเรื่องทาง
more fresh and nutritious food such as fruit and vegetables แก้
Commented [PhD0323]: “such as” มีการยกตัวอย่างอีก

while cutting down many of the processed and fried foods and fatty meats แล้วเพื่อทาให้ย่อหน้ายาว
Commented [P24]: Complex sentence (while)
BOAT email: n.sribanjong@gmail.com

Another cause is the lack of exercise which everyone nowadays is too busy because they Commented [PM25]: ถ้าใช้ which (ที่แปลว่า ซึ่ง) ปย จะ
แปลว่า
work almost one – a third one-third of the day and spend most of their working hours sitting. สำเหตุถัดมำคือกำรขำดกำรออกกำลังกำย ซึ่ง คนทุกวันนีย้ ่งุ
จะเห็นนะครับว่าคาว่า ซึ่ง ไม่ควรอยู่ใน ปย ครับ

The lack of exercise is a major reason for various effects on the body and health health Commented [PM26]: = เป็ นสาเหตุสาคัญของปั ญหาสุขภาพ

problems, therefore, exercise is necessary for lifestyle and health. To solve this problem for Commented [PM27]: ตรงนีเ้ ป็ นทางแก้ครับ ไม่ควรอยู่ตรงนี ้
ครับ เพราะว่าส่วนนีย้ งั พูดถึง สาเหตุ ของปัญหาครับ

lack of exercise, The people manage their time for exercise at least them still at least fifteen Commented [PM28]: ไม่ตอ
้ งมีตรงนีน้ ะครับ เพราะว่าคาว่า
“this problem” ก็สอ
ื่ ว่า “lack of exercise” อยู่แล้วครับ

minutes of the day a day or forty-five minutes of the day a day in these weeks such as walking or Commented [PM29]: = 15 นาทีต่อวัน

running on treadmills and cycling on a bicycle which made make them healthy. Commented [PM30]: ตรงนีเ้ ราไม่ได้พด
ู เรื่องที่เกิดในอดีตครับ
จึงไม่ใช้ V2
BOAT email: n.sribanjong@gmail.com

Another cause of obesity is the lack of exercise. People today have a very hectic schedule, working

sometimes up to ten hours per day. Some, especially those in metropolitan cities, have to get up early in Commented [PhD0331]: อธิบาย ว่าทาไมคนถึงไม่มีเวลา
ออกกาลังกายซึง่ นาไปสู่ obesity
the morning and go to work to avoid traffic congestion. As a result, they may not have the time to go to

the gym. As people grow older, their metabolism drops, which means that they could get obese

somewhat easily. This problem could be addressed by managing time more effectively and engaging in Commented [PhD0332]: อธิบาย ต่อว่าทาไมถ้าไม่ออกกาลัง
กายแล้วจะเกิดปัญหา obesity
physical activities whenever possible. They could spend only fifteen minutes a day walking or running on

treadmills. They could also walk to work, if possible, instead of driving or taking a bus or a train
BOAT email: n.sribanjong@gmail.com

In conclusion, unhealthy eating habits and physical inactivity are leading causes of

obesity. thus health care is necessary for having a sedentary lifestyle. I would advise that Commented [PM33]: แปลว่า ดังนัน
้ สุขภาพสาคัญสาหรับการ
นั่งทางานอยู่กบั ที่
ไม่มีความหมายนะครับ
people consume healthy foods and avoid foods that are high in fat. Exercise should also be part
จริงๆ ตัดออกได้ครับ แค่บอกว่า การกินของไม่ดีต่อสุขภาพและการ
ไม่ออกกาลังายเป็ นสาเหตุสาคัญของโรคอ้วน ก็เพียงพอครับ
of their routine.

In conclusion, many people today are becoming overweight. There are two main causes of this, Commented [PhD0334]: พูดถึงสาเหตุก่อน (ส่วนแรกของ
and I would advise that people consume healthy and make exercise a part of their daily routine.
โจทย์ถามเรื่องสาเหตุ)

WORD COUNT: 275 Commented [PhD0335]: พูดถึงทางแก้ทงั้ 2 ทางที่อธิบายใน

APPROXIMATE BAND SCORE: 6
ย่อหน้า 2+3 (ตามที่โจทย์กาหนดให้พดู ถึงทางแก้) ☺
band criteria Comment เพิ่ มเติ มจากด้านข้างหรือด้านล่างย่อ
หน้ า

6 TASK RESPONSE (TR) • addresses all parts of the task

• ตอบโจทย์ตรงมัย้ • presents a clear position throughout
the response
• ตอบครบมัย้ ตัง้ แต่ introduction • presents, extends and supports main
ideas
• มีรายละเอียดมากพอมัย้
• ครบ 270 คามัย้
• ไม่เขียนไอเดียแบบเหมารวม
(เช่น ข้อเสียของการเรียนต่อ
ต่างประเทศคือ นักเรียนทุกคนจะติด
ยา)
6 COHESION AND COHERECE (CC) • uses cohesive devices effectively, but
• อ่านแล้ว logical, organized มัย้ cohesion within and/or between
sentences may be faulty or mechanical
• มีการใช้ตวั เชื่อมระหว่างประโยค
และระหว่างย่อหน้ าที่เหมาะสมมัย้
..
• ใช้ตวั เชื่อมหลากหลายมัย้ ...
• มี 1 intro, 2 body paragraphs,
1 conclusion
BOAT email: n.sribanjong@gmail.com

• ย่อหน้า body มี topic sentence

• และแต่ละ body มีไอเดียเดียว
หรือหลายไอเดียงงๆ
• conclusion ไม่มีไอเดียใหม่ทไ่ี ม่ได้
ถูกพูดใน intro, body
6 LEXICAL RESOURCE (LR)
• คาศัพท์ธรรมดาและภาษาพูด • uses an adequate range of vocabulary
for the task
(kids) หรือวิชาการ (children)
• คาศัพท์เกีย่ วข้องกับโจทย์ (เช่น ถ้า
เขียนเรื่อง education ก็ควรมีคาว่า
school, college, peers,
academic achievement)
• คาซ้า (ใช้คาว่า children ตลอดทัง้
essay) หรือหลากหลาย (เช่น
children a child at four)
6 GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND
ACCURACY (GR, GA) • uses a mix of simple and
complex sentence forms
• แกรมม่าร์ถก
ู ต้อง และ • makes some errors in grammar
• หลากหลาย (sentence variety) and punctuation but they rarely reduce
communication
และเหมาะสม (appropriate,
natural) มัย้ มีการใช้ complex
sentence (พวก because, if,
although, while, which/that,
passive เป็ นต้น), simple
sentence (พวกประโยคความ
เดียว), compound sentence
(พวกประโยคมี and, but, or, so)
BOAT email: n.sribanjong@gmail.com