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Your Total Leadership
Coaching Network
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Total Leadership:
Be a Better Leader, Have a Richer Life
By
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Stewart D. Friedman
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Harvard Business Press

Boston, Massachusetts
ISBN-13: 978-1-4221-4583-8
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This document is authorized for educator review use only by Adrian Guzman, Universidad Anahuac until November 2016. Copying or posting is an infringement of copyright.
Permissions@hbsp.harvard.edu or 617.783.7860
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Copyright 2008 Harvard Business School Publishing Corporation
All rights reserved
Printed in the United States of America
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This chapter was originally published as chapter Appendix A of Total Leadership:
Be a Better Leader, Have a Richer Life,
copyright 2008 Harvard Business School Publishing Corporation.
No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system,
or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying,
recording, or otherwise), without the prior permission of the publisher. Requests for
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permission should be directed to permissions@harvardbusiness.org, or mailed to Permissions,
Harvard Business School Publishing, 60 Harvard Way, Boston, Massachusetts 02163.
You can purchase Harvard Business Press books at booksellers worldwide. You can order Harvard
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or by calling 888-500-1016 or, outside the U.S. and Canada, 617-783-7410.
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APPENDIX A
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Your Total Leadership
Coaching Network
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W HETHER YOU FORM ONE on your own or find one at

www.totalleadership.org, being in a coaching network
enhances the value of your Total Leadership experience. You can use
a coaching network to bring you the benefits of being both a coach and
a client (the term I prefer to describe the person receiving input from a
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coach) in a learning community dedicated to producing four-way wins.

Coaching helps others improve performance now while developing
their capacity to perform well in the future. The specific benefits of being
a part of a community of coaches include:
• Support that enhances your confidence in trying new

approaches
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• Encouragement for intelligent risk taking in your experiments
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2 APPENDIX A
• Specific suggestions for actions to achieve important results
• Increased accountability and, therefore, sustainability of
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changes you produce
• Improved ability to give and receive coaching support
• Camaraderie and a sense of belonging
Because the process of change is difficult and can provoke anxiety,
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people resist it. The forces of inertia can be strong, but good coaching
helps overcome them. Perhaps most important of all, coaching feels good.
Coaching is enjoyable because it’s about learning. And it’s even more fun
and feels even better when you’re on the giving end.
Before we go further, though, it’s important to note that I’m not sug-
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gesting that you become a professional coach. What this appendix offers
are tips and ideas to help you and your friends, colleagues, and family
members use some basic coaching concepts and methods to enhance your
experience of Total Leadership. But your Total Leadership coaching net-
work is not a replacement for professional coaching or counseling sup-
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port, which should be sought when problems in any aspect of your life
reach the point where you are unable to deal effectively with them with
your current resources.
How Coaching Helps

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Coaches provide support and accountability through both written

and verbal input—questions, comments, and suggestions—about your
work on the Total Leadership exercises. Throughout the process, they
offer new insights, provide useful feedback, and encourage you to move
toward your ideal. As a coach, you do the same for your clients.
We are often required to invest in helping others develop, offering
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constructive feedback, and inspiring others to experiment and take smart
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APPENDIX A 3
risks. When you coach someone, you get new ideas about your own lead-
ership, in your work and in your life beyond work, while giving support
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to someone else. Total Leadership coaching offers a mutually beneficial
experience for both coach and client for broadening skills.
Coaching can be either directive or nondirective. Directive coaching
involves listening to your client and then offering advice from your own
experiences or knowledge base. Nondirective coaching requires listen-
ing to your client’s problems, but instead of then offering advice, asking
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questions that encourage your client to reach solutions independently. Ask-
ing good questions helps your client achieve greater self-understanding.
Both forms of coaching can be effective; the preferred type depends on
client needs. Participants who choose to make coaching a part of their
Total Leadership experience can improve their capacity to give and re-
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ceive all forms of support.
Coaches Help You Be Real

Your coaches gain an understanding of where you’re going, where
you’ve been, and how things are now: your core values, experiences that
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have changed your life, whether your focus of time and attention fits with
what’s important to you, your leadership vision, and so on. They give you
ideas to align your actions more closely with your leadership vision and
your values, and challenge you to think creatively, question assumptions,
and take intelligent risks. Coaches help you understand the choices you
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make that affect your work, home, community, and self. Coaching can have
a powerful impact on how you think about what’s important to you.
Coaches Help You Be Whole

Coaches can help you understand the dynamics of your social world
by asking questions and offering comments on your stakeholder analy-
ses and on your preparation for and interpretation of your stakeholder
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dialogues. Coaching exchanges can play an important role in ensuring
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4 APPENDIX A
that you get the most value from these crucial conversations with the
most important people in your life.
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Coaches help you understand how you and your stakeholders fit in
the complex web of your closest relationships. They help you better un-
derstand mutual expectations and shared interests, and they sense the
potential for building stronger connections and improving performance
by capitalizing on areas of common ground. Coaches push you to think
through ideas for experiments gleaned from the information you take
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away from your stakeholder dialogues. They provide an objective—and
usually refreshing—point of view to spur deeper exploration of how
your key stakeholders affect your life and work.
Coaches Help You Be Innovative

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Coaches provide feedback about your experiments, from design
through implementation and interpretation. They spur you to think se-
riously about new ways to approach work as an integral part of your life.
Coaches can help design experiments that help you work smarter. They
help you determine when to blend and when to bound domains. Coaches
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offer ideas on how to create metrics to measure both short- and long-
term results. As commitment might falter when you meet resistance, coaches
bolster you by problem solving with you and by urging you to carry through,
to take steps in the direction in which you’ve chosen to grow.
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Create Your Coaching Network
To create your own coaching network, start by thinking about the

people in your current personal and professional networks with whom
you’d like to collaborate. They might be coworkers, friends, or members
of your family—anyone who will go through the Total Leadership expe-
rience with you. The ideal size for a coaching team is three people.
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On your coaching team you’ll have a chance to be both coach and

client, benefiting from both roles. The primary challenge for a client is to
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APPENDIX A 5
remain open and manage reactions to feedback. A coach’s responsibility

is to identify strengths and clarify areas for improvement that address
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the client’s goals and help to reduce his or her defensiveness. Try to gain
an understanding of your client’s key relationships at work, at home, and
in the community. At the same time, respect privacy and preferences for
how much your client is willing to disclose.
It starts, then, with the three of you finding a time to talk about your
goals. Expressing your goals increases the likelihood of obtaining them.
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The more open you are about your goals, the more likely they’ll be real-
ized, because your commitment will be higher. The chances of achieving
goals increase when people provide mutual support. In this first conver-
sation, you should also talk about your hopes and fears, and discuss what
you wrote about your goals, in chapter 1.
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This is also the time to discuss how the team will work together. You
need to establish expectations, set up times to meet (via e-mail, phone,
or face-to-face), and begin to learn about each other’s working styles.
The three of you would then each take the following steps:
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1. Separately complete chapters 2 and 3 and distribute an elec-

tronic copy or just post it in a password-protected online group.
2. Read and comment on the other two members’ work.
3. Read the comments written by the other two coaching team
members.
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4. Meet as a team, either in person or in real time by voice or

video, to ask questions and discuss ideas, suggestions, and
other reactions.
Repeat steps 1–4 for the second and third parts of the book.
Effective Feedback
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The essence of coaching is feedback. This is a gift, one that is best

given straightforwardly and kindly. The quality and sensitivity of a coach’s
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6 APPENDIX A
feedback can make a huge difference in your own growth. You produce
value as a coach in helping your client to create meaningful change when
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you give feedback that:
• Addresses goals that are a real priority for the client
• Stretches your client to go as far as he or she can
• Asks questions that help clear up ambiguities
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• Is balanced, not overly positive or negative
• Is communicated directly and specifically
• Offers constructive suggestions and ideas for improvements

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• Is checked for clarity, to ensure that everyone understands
what’s being conveyed
• Offers follow-up assistance by leaving the door open for future

coaching
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Helping Clients Meet the Challenges of Change
Many people fear change because it forces them into unknown ter-
ritory, where things are unpredictable and unfamiliar. Total Leadership
participants are challenged to innovate, to learn about themselves and
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others. The changes they undergo throughout the process can be un-
comfortable. It’s useful to know about the predictable stages people go
through when they undertake intentional change. Below are these stages,
as well as questions you can ask when your clients face the challenges of
each particular stage.
Awareness of the Need for Change

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The first step is identifying the need for change. This can be difficult,
as many of us ignore information that disconfirms our current percep-
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APPENDIX A 7
tions or threatens the status quo. Total Leadership exercises are intended
to increase self-awareness. Coaches can help identify blind spots—by en-
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couraging self-reflection about things that aren’t obvious to their clients.
Key questions coaches should ask to increase awareness are:
• What’s working and what isn’t?
• How can you improve?
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• What is the source of the need to change—is it in you or is it
external?
Sense of Urgency
Does it really matter whether the client changes? The next stage is
about the belief that the need to change is urgent enough to take action.
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Because we tend toward inertia, if doing something new doesn’t feel ur-
gent, it’s not likely to occur. Coaches can help by asking questions such
as these:
• How important is your need to change?

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• What will happen if you don’t change?
• What will happen if you do change?
Decision to Act
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The decision to change is a crucial moment because it marks the

point when your mind shifts and you begin to see a different future. It is
also a fragile point in planned change processes. This point is fraught with
temptations, diversions, and distractions. However, coaches can help par-
ticipants reach this point by asking:
• What have you decided to do differently and why?

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• What is the ideal outcome?
• What are your new goals?
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8 APPENDIX A
Problem Solving
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What are the possible actions the client can take to make this decision
something real in his or her work and in other parts of life? Coaches ask
clients to think aloud about what to do differently, how to overcome ob-
stacles, and what skills or sources of support are needed. In Total Lead-
ership, coaches help design goals and metrics for experiments and talk
through the nuts and bolts of producing small wins. Coaches can offer spe-
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cific suggestions on how clients can better accomplish goals, asking:
• What exactly will you do, and when will you do it?
• How will you measure progress?
• What stands in the way?

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• How will you overcome barriers or resistance?
• How will you generate needed support?
• How will you measure your success?

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Commitment
Generating sufficient commitment to follow through is one of the most
challenging aspects of any change process. Because commitment wanes
without a sense of urgency, coaches should continually test for this. Coaches
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can ask:
• Do you really have the will to go forward?
• What will happen to your commitment over time?
• What if this is harder than you think?
• What are the first steps—and the next steps—you will take?
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• How will you sustain the will?
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APPENDIX A 9
Reinforcement
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Even when a client has achieved all of the prior steps, it is crucial
that he or she receive reinforcement for the positive outcomes gained.
Encouraging every small step builds momentum, and coaches should
repeatedly provide reinforcement and celebrate their clients’ successes
to bolster confidence and help clients avoid slippage. The key questions
here are:
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• What impact has your new behavior had on you and others?
• What accomplishments are you proud of achieving?
• Are you doing what you said you’d do?

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• Is there a smarter step that might help you build momentum?
• How can I reinforce your commitment to action?
Dos and Don’ts

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Here are some tips on becoming an effective Total Leadership coach.
Things to Do
• Show you care about helping your clients achieve their goals.
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• Clarify coach and client roles through negotiation, and adjust

expectations as needed.
• Share your own experiences only to help the client feel accepted,
not to focus on you.
• Be as aware as possible of your own biases as a coach.

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• Stay in touch with the reality your client is facing—listen well.
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10 APPENDIX A
• Access your ignorance—ask questions, even ones you might

think are dumb.
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• Encourage your client to get help when needed, from all
sources.
• If you cannot provide feedback at the time your client is expect-

ing it, immediately communicate this to your client to explain
the delay. This builds trust.
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Things to Avoid Doing
• Avoid inactivity, or not working at being a coach. Like any good

relationship, coaching requires time, energy, and thoughtfulness
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by both participants.
• Don’t criticize your client’s ideas. Listen and offer alternatives.
• Don’t promise more than you can deliver; this will decrease your
credibility.
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Virtually all Total Leadership program participants have found coach-

ing to be beneficial and enjoyable. Many people still keep in touch with
their coaches and stay updated on new developments in their work and
personal lives. I hope you decide to create your own coaching network.
As you continue to explore coaching in your own Total Leadership expe-
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rience and beyond, I trust you’ll find just how rewarding it can be.
Visit www.totalleadership.org for more information on Total Leader-
ship coaching.
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Further Reading
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T HIS APPENDIX provides references for essential articles
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and books on topics covered in this book. They are orga-

nized according to six general categories.
Leadership
No
Badaracco, J. L. Defining Moments: When Managers Must

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Boyatzis, R., and A. McKee. Resonant Leadership: Renewing Your-
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self and Connecting with Others Through Mindfulness, Hope,

and Compassion. Boston: Harvard Business School Press, 2005.
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Burns, J. M. Transforming Leadership: The Pursuit of Happi-

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Collins, J. Good to Great. New York: HarperBusiness, 2001.
Drucker, P. F. “Managing Oneself.” Harvard Business Review,
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Finkelstein, S. Why Smart Executives Fail. New York: Penguin,
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Friedman, S. D., and S. Lobel. “The Happy Workaholic: A Role
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Kouzes, J. M., and B. Z. Posner. The Leadership Challenge: How
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to Keep Getting Extraordinary Things Done in Organiza-

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Raelin, J. A. Creating Leaderful Organizations: How to Bring Out

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How Domains of Life Affect Each Other
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Harvard Business Press

W HETHER YOU FORM ONE on your own or ﬁnd one at

coach) in a learning community dedicated to producing four-way wins.

• Support that enhances your conﬁdence in trying new

• Encouragement for intelligent risk taking in your experiments

• Speciﬁc suggestions for actions to achieve important results

• Increased accountability and, therefore, sustainability of

• Improved ability to give and receive coaching support

• Camaraderie and a sense of belonging

Because the process of change is difﬁcult and can provoke anxiety,

How Coaching Helps

Coaches provide support and accountability through both written

constructive feedback, and inspiring others to experiment and take smart

Coaches Help You Be Real

Coaches Help You Be Whole

dialogues. Coaching exchanges can play an important role in ensuring

Coaches Help You Be Innovative

Create Your Coaching Network

To create your own coaching network, start by thinking about the

On your coaching team you’ll have a chance to be both coach and

remain open and manage reactions to feedback. A coach’s responsibility

1. Separately complete chapters 2 and 3 and distribute an elec-

4. Meet as a team, either in person or in real time by voice or

The essence of coaching is feedback. This is a gift, one that is best

• Addresses goals that are a real priority for the client

• Stretches your client to go as far as he or she can

• Asks questions that help clear up ambiguities

• Is communicated directly and speciﬁcally

• Offers constructive suggestions and ideas for improvements

• Offers follow-up assistance by leaving the door open for future

Helping Clients Meet the Challenges of Change

Awareness of the Need for Change

• What’s working and what isn’t?

• How can you improve?

• How important is your need to change?

• What will happen if you don’t change?

• What will happen if you do change?

The decision to change is a crucial moment because it marks the

• What have you decided to do differently and why?

• What is the ideal outcome?

• What are your new goals?

• How will you measure progress?

• What stands in the way?

• How will you generate needed support?

• How will you measure your success?

• Do you really have the will to go forward?

• What will happen to your commitment over time?

• What if this is harder than you think?

• How will you sustain the will?

• What accomplishments are you proud of achieving?

• Are you doing what you said you’d do?

• How can I reinforce your commitment to action?

Dos and Don’ts

Here are some tips on becoming an effective Total Leadership coach.

• Clarify coach and client roles through negotiation, and adjust

• Be as aware as possible of your own biases as a coach.

• Stay in touch with the reality your client is facing—listen well.

• Access your ignorance—ask questions, even ones you might

• If you cannot provide feedback at the time your client is expect-

• Avoid inactivity, or not working at being a coach. Like any good

• Don’t criticize your client’s ideas. Listen and offer alternatives.

Virtually all Total Leadership program participants have found coach-