October 28, 2023…

I have a hard time sleeping. Am I worried, afraid, petrified, or stressed? Or is it just a mere illusion of
failures, regrets, financial burdens, emotional attachment issues, social life crises, spiritual gaps, or
unbridled dreams that toying my mental state? Or is it a combination of all these feelings and crises that
keep overflowing in my mind and keep my eyes from nodded off. Who to blame? The one I promised to
be my friend has become my enemy again - self. Everything is just heavy, contradictions after
contradictions, ideals against reality, and most of all, commitment against responsibilities Weighing out
things and thinking of more solutions will make the situation worse as there should be sacrificed and
compromised. Indeed, once philosopher said was right, a person chasing two rabbits catches neither.
The reality is a person can't have everything and I begin believing it as my circumstances keep falling to
it. How to get out of this thought, or shall I be like a dust to be easily carried by the wind. I guess I must
go back to my roots and find my answers with the bulk of questions that my mind could not rest. One,
who am I afraid to? Without spiraling my answer, I guess it's the fear of being unsuccessful like, right
after graduation and making various wrong choices made my lens blurred to see more of myself and the
future I wanted to become. Additionally, I wasn't used to judgements and recognized as a failure in the
eyes of my family and friends, who expected so much of my potential. i don't blame them either, I have
set the standard in myself for them to see and for me to be seen and recognized. Ironically, an introvert
is sometimes seeking a spotlight. Indeed, I was living with fear of disappointments and driving with
pressure growing up. Hence, everything I do in life choices for big steps are mostly established, planned
or can be spontaneous but resolved eventually. All of it, is to avoid mistakes and give stains to my
family's expectations. Yet, in a glimpse, I am here. Breaking my mother's promises, brother's goals, and
people's perception of me. Do I have regrets for choosing this current situation? Yes, a little. Sometimes I
feel it wrong and most of the time, I feel freedom and life. Life in a sense of having trouble and the thrill
of overcoming it. The life of starting to the lowest of lows and a phase where true people give their
support in most needed time. Yes, I am scared because I wasn't used to this kind of life - to explore
without my parents, to live separately from them like for the long-term, and most of all, to struggle
without them. I wasn't prepared for this but as I say, spontaneous can be resolved later. Am I still scared?
Not anymore. Now I realized that I was focused on negative things to happen and not on the positive
things that I get from such situations. I now have a chance to prove more of myself, explore myself, find
my purpose, and fortunately, build my personal character that is necessary to survive life. This may be
heavy as of now, but a blessing when the future comes. Second, failures and regrets. There's a lot of it
right now. Really a lot of it. I couldn't change it anymore so all I can do is embrace things as it is. Financial
burdens will be one of the hardest these days, but I guarantee, everything will be settled. Debts will be
paid including its interests, obligations and promised will be attained and most of all, things needed for a
comfortable set-up in the apartment will be available soon. Just be patient, and recognize that family is
family, despite the disputes. My brother is an amazing man, i should not forget his generosity for a
lifetime. Moreover, regarding finance, hopefully and be cautious enough not to be scammed and not to
borrow anymore. Debt is like a disease; it can kill your savings and sometimes it gets worse. Meanwhile,
emotional attachment has been a gateway of disrespect and entitlement. Perhaps this is what I could
think in my relationship. This time boundary must be set. It's in a sense of ML, consent approval, and
deciding not to need to be both always. Relationship is a two-party making sense in some things and not
in all things as i believed. So, let this be established. Social and spiritual gaps, I guess are much like the
same. They are almost gone and just like the weather, sometimes rainy or sunny. Despite that, I could
tell, I am making amends of it little by little. Hopefully, for social life, I'll stay hidden until I pass the LECPA
while, being consistent enough to nourish my spiritual side. Lastly, unbridled dreams. Ambitious as I was
born, so let me die with it. I know I can't have it all, but I am ambitious enough to have it all. I am not
arrogant, nor trying hard, all I know is, I was born to be great, to be expensive with humility, to be simple
but elegant, to be more intelligent but continuously craving for learning, and most importantly, to be an
ideal and reality in one. Above all, I can't do these things, move forward, and top the LECPA, without
God's glory and mercy. All thanks to the Highest, mightiest, and merciful Father.

With these things written and hopefully be resolved, achieved, and goes beyond my plan to Yours, in
Jesus name, Amen.