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Speaking the Language of Love: A Qualitative Approach
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SPEAKING THE LANGUAGE OF LOVE: A QUALITATIVE
APPROACH
Asha Latha Mathew

Dr. S. Sasikala
Abstract
Love is a psychological need that necessitates reciprocation from the receiving end. This
implies that love requires a language for communication. Chapman talks about five primary
languages of love namely, words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, receiving gifts,
and acts of service. One of the commonly cited reasons for the breakdown of intimate
relationships is a deficit in expressing and experiencing love. In the present study, a qualitative
approach has been adopted to conduct personal interviews with 30 married persons in order
to understand the love dynamics in operation within the context of their married lives. The
data collected was analysed to elicit themes that are reflective of the operationalization of love
languages. Implications of the research direct counsellors, therapists, and psychologists to
psychoeducation of couples on the construct of love languages and provide tailor-made
interventions for conflict-filled marriages.
Keywords: Love, Marriage, Communication, Love Languages
The quest on the search for what are the actual ingredients that contribute to marital happiness
dates back to the 1930s wherein Terman who is famous for his contribution to the field of
intelligence referred to the various opinions on marital happiness as “the chaos of opinion on
the determiners of marital happiness” (Goleman). Relationships become complicated when
individuals are unable to communicate what they feel, their needs, and desires to their
significant other. Levinger says that happiness in marriage doesn't depend on how compatible
couples are, but it is based on how they resolve or deal with the incompatibilities between
them. Relationships often don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel as their needs are unmet
and partners feel psychologically deprived. This drives the partners to restrict their emotions
and thoughts to themselves causing them to emotionally and physically withdraw from their
partner. Gottman and Krokoff state that a high degree of responsiveness among couples to
one another can help to reduce tension and motivate couples to solve conflicts among them.
Chapman says that couples express a lack of desire and motivation to initiate efforts to
June, 2022. VOL.14. ISSUE NO.2 https://hrdc.gujaratuniversity.ac.in/Ejournal Page | 782

Towards Excellence: An Indexed, Refereed & Peer Reviewed Journal of Higher Education/
Asha Latha Mathew & Dr. S. Sasikala/ Page 782-804
maintain the relationship when they feel unheard or in other words unloved. This leads to the
concept of love languages.
Chapman states that every individual has a love language, which in other terms is a reflection
of the way in which they desire to be loved. Lemieux and Hale assert that for a behavior to
qualify for the status of an expression of love, it must be recognized and validated by both
parties invested in the relationship. It does not guarantee the status of a love expression if only
one party understands or perceives it or further follows it. Chapman further details the concept
of love languages by symbolizing an individual’s need for love to a tank, or a love tank to be
more specific. Chapman states that the love tank is a highly specialized tank that only becomes
full when the individual receives love in the way they desire it (their love language). After
years of counselling and therapy with clients who came to visit him, Chapman adopted the
grounded theory analysis and concluded that there are primarily five love languages through
which individuals generally express and expect love, namely, words of affirmation, quality
time, physical touch, receiving gifts, and acts of service. The love languages operate in a
hierarchical manner wherein the most preferred love language is referred to as the primary
love language. A deficit in the reception of the primary love language is what leads to
dissatisfaction with the relationships among partners and congruence in love languages among
partners was correlated with less distress (Bland and McQueen).
A concept related to the love languages was proposed by Stafford et al. (2000) namely,
strategic relational maintenance behaviors, which is defined as a wide array of behaviors
that are undertaken with the intention of bettering the relationship. The maintenance
behaviors identified by Stafford include assurances, openness, positivity, sharing tasks, and
social networks. Hecht et al. also arrived at five categories of love namely, mutual activity,
special occasions, offerings, sacrifices, and selfless. The concepts of love languages and
relational maintenance behaviors appear to converge in many aspects. Dainton and Stafford
state that relational maintenance pertains to behaviors that are enacted intentionally for the
betterment of the relationship, similarly, Chapman also suggests that love languages have
to be strategically executed as the couples have to learn each other's language and further
make conscious efforts to practice it.
The Five Love Languages

Words of Affirmation: It constitutes the expression of love through words, verbal
communication, expressing kindness, requests rather than insistences, supportive and
encouraging language, appreciative and affirmative feedback, etc.,
Quality Time: This is the love language that centers on togetherness and focuses on the
amount of quality time couples spend together wherein they are able to offer each other
undivided attention, engage in mutually enjoyable activities, and offer each other
empathetic reflective listening and self-disclosure.
Acts of Service: This is regarded as a dynamic form of love expression which can be quite
time-consuming and exhaustive. In this expression, love is demonstrated through actions

that symbolize love. It involves unconditional giving and service that is intended to render
help, safety, and feelings of security to the receiver.
Receiving Gifts: Expression of love that is channeled into visual symbols of love that are
creatively curated, purchased, or made. It does not necessarily involve expensive show-
pieces, but the very presence of the significant other can also be regarded as a gift.
Physical Touch: A tactile expression of love that is not always sensual wherein the dialects
involved are hugs, kisses, holding hands, pats, etc.
According to Bland and McQueen the concept of love languages is a reflection of the
humanistic theories, in which it focuses away from agendas that are built on self-
centeredness and look at the uniqueness of the significant other and delights in it. It is a
reflection of healthy love wherein the partner’s well-being is of primary concern and their
idiosyncrasies are treated with respect rather than contempt. Chapman states that exerting
effort to consciously follow one’s partner’s love language gives them the satisfaction of
having genuinely loved the other. It directs an individual to break free from their ego-
centric zones and defenses to broaden their range of experiences.
The validity of Chapman's concept of love languages was done by Egbert and Polk and
they arrived at the conclusion that there was considerable validity to the construct. Bland
and McQueen reported that among couples with aligned love languages, the partners felt
happier because when partners were able to understand the partner’s desires of being loved
in a specific manner, it facilitated better communication amongst them and it led to
openness in communication regarding their desires. However, in research done by Bunt and
Hazelwood, it was suggested that the efficacy of love languages is based on the couple’s
capacity to exhibit self-regulatory behaviors or their willingness to change for the better.
Research by Egbert and Polk shows that love languages can be effective in increasing
couple communication.
Objectives
Looking at the review of literature presented the researcher with the idea that research on love
languages is comparatively scant and to the best knowledge of the researchers, a qualitative
study on love languages was not to be found in the available literature. Therefore, the
researchers decided to do a qualitative study to understand the operation of love languages in
the relationship of married people.
The present study was done with the following brief objectives in mind namely,
✔ To identify the different themes of love as proposed by married people
✔ To identify if the concepts of Chapman’s love languages can be applicable to the

Indian context.
✔ To explore new expressions of love and associated dialects that could possibly emerge

within the Indian context.
Method
The reasons behind why the researcher decided to adopt a qualitative approach towards the
research are detailed below:
Firstly, though the researcher was able to find a handful of studies that explored the
construct of love languages (Bland and McQueen; Bunt and Hazelwood; Egbert and Polk;
Surijah and Septiarly), a dearth in the adoption of a qualitative methodology to understand
the construct was felt. Secondly, the researcher could not find standardized questionnaires
with sound psychometric properties relevant to the Indian context in the available literature.
Thirdly, the researcher felt that the sample chosen for the present study, ie. married people
would elicit better responses if the questions that were posed to them required to elaborate
on the intricacies and details of their marriage, rather than when they are asked to zero
down their experiences to a single rating score or tick mark. Before proceeding with the
study, the researchers ensured that all the criteria mentioned in the 32-item checklist
(COREQ) for qualitative research by (Tong et al.) were covered.
Sample and Sample characteristics

The study utilized a convenience sampling approach to collect data from married individuals
who could be easily approached and were willing to lend their time for the research. 26
married individuals who were in their first marriages and in the age ranges of 28 – 50 years
were approached as part of the study out of which 5 were males and 21 were females. The
individuals were married for a period of 4 to 25 years. Among the 26 participants, 20
participants were part of arranged marriages and 6 participants were part of love marriages.
Few of the participants reported that theirs was a love cum arranged marriage. However, the
researcher decided to place them in the category of love marriage for convenience. The
participants were residents from the states of Kerala and Tamil Nadu and all of them were
part of dual-earner marriages. The professions of the participants included: educators, self-
run businesses, photography, biologists, nurses, etc. All the participants were comfortable
with conversing in English and the majority of the sample belonged to middle socioeconomic
families.
Measurement
As the study addressed concerns and opinions pertaining to personal and intimate topics, the
participants were asked to sign a consent form declaring their voluntary involvement in the
study. The participants were also given the option of withdrawing from the study at any point
in time and it was assured that the data published would not involve any details pertaining to
their identity. Data was collected via telephonic and personal interviews after obtaining the
consent of the participants at a time of their convenience. The participants were informed
beforehand that as the study was of a qualitative nature, the responses provided by them would
have to be recorded for the researcher’s ease.

Data was collected from all the participants using a semi-structured interview guide. The
guide was prepared in consultation with the researcher’s guide and feedback from co-research
scholars. The researcher also asked additional questions if necessary and the participant was
also allowed the opportunity to express their feedback with regard to the study. The data
collection started with collecting the demographic details and then further proceeded to the
more personal details of their marriage. The participants were allowed to freely express their
concerns, opinions, and thoughts. The researcher abhorred interrupting the participant and
kept the clarification towards the end of the conversation. The length of the interviews ranged
from half an hour to forty-five minutes. Given below is the order in which the main questions
were presented to the sample.
1. How would you define love?

2. How do you show or express love to your spouse?
3. What are a few complaints that you generally raise with regard to your relationship with
your spouse?
Further, the participants were detailed on the love languages as proposed by Chapman and
were then asked to rank in order the five love languages that they preferred and then were
later asked to rate the love languages of their spouse as perceived by them. The researcher
urged the participants to initiate following the love language of their spouse and provided
them with an idea regarding the different dialects that came under their spouse’s preferred
primary love language. The interviews ended with the researcher thanking the participants
for their time and cooperation.
Data Analysis
The data analysis was carried out using content analysis. After the data was collected from
all the participants, the researcher proceeded to hear the recordings a couple of times and
prepared notes based on the answers provided. The researcher began to categorize the
themes that emerged into coherent groups. Once the responses were satisfactorily grouped,
the researcher gave appropriate titles to the different categories. The researcher went
through the final list of themes a number of times in order to ensure that there was no
redundancy or repetition. The final themes were further shared with experts and the
researcher’s guide to confirm the categories and any reasonable modifications suggested
were carried out.
Findings and Discussion
Can love be defined?

The first question that was posed to the participants was, “How would you define love?”
Based on responses given by the participants, the researchers grouped it into three categories
namely, intimacy, passion, and commitment.
Researchers are of the opinion that though there is a vast body of research on the construct of
love, operationalizing it or assigning it a structure through the definition of terms is quite

difficult (Sorrell). The word “love” ascribes different meanings to different people (Langeslag
and van Strien). In the current study, the researcher arrived at this classification based on the
triangular theory of love as proposed by Sternberg which classifies love into three components
namely, intimacy, passion, and commitment. The intimacy component talks about how
connected the couples feel to one another in their relationship. It is measured in terms of their
closeness and bonding. Hendrick and Hendrick look at love as the inclination to behave in a
positive or favorable manner towards another. Some of the words that are used by the
participants to describe love are care, affection, give and take, etc. Lomas states that the
intimacy component of love proposed by Sternberg cannot be equated with any of the types
of love proposed by Lee.
The passion component pertains to love that is driven by passion, euphoria, attraction, and
sexual affinity. It mainly focuses on the sensual part of love that is often what operates in
casual flings and one-night stands. The passion component fizzles out after a while. Some of
the research studies that look at a neuropsychological approach to studying love have found
that the reward system of the brain becomes active while the individual experiences feelings
of love (Aron et al.; Beauregard et al.). The role of neurotransmitters such as dopamine,
oxytocin, vasopressin, etc, and their interaction with the reward systems of the brain that lead
to sensations of high, pleasure, the building of trust, etc., has been well established (Esch and
Stefano). Love is referred to as an excruciating passion (Earp et al.) that is often reflected in
statements such as, “I cannot live without you”, “You complete me”, or “I need you”. These
statements capture an individual’s feelings that are charged with strong attraction and make it
difficult for them to resist the other. Few responses shared by the participants of the present
study that are reflective of the passion component of love include: not being able to live
without the other, addiction, willingness to do anything for the other, sacrifice, etc. (Refer to
Table 1, sub-theme no.4). Sussman refers to possessive thoughts, obsession, and clinging
tendencies as a form of immature love. It is to be noted that in the current study, the
participants who defined in terms of the passion component were majorly in their initial years
of marriage wherein the passion component is likely to dominate according to Sternberg’s
theory. The passion component is reflective of the érōs type of love as proposed by Lee which
underlies love that is romantic and passionate. It also involves a small component of the ludus
type of love that is characterized by flirting and playfulness.
The commitment component encompasses the couple’s decision to stay with one another, the
vow to solemnly give oneself to the other, looking at the relationship from the angle of a
forever long-term, etc. Peele and Brodsky refer to genuine or mature love as involving a
commitment towards each other, mutual growth, and fulfillment. Commitment in a marriage
can originate from a variety of factors including commitment to the partner or commitment
that prolongs due to pressures from external sources (Clements and Swensen) relationship
security (Swensen and Trahaug). The various terms that participants in the study have used to
define love in terms of commitment include the satisfaction of having chosen the right person,
a long-lasting bond, not having expectations, etc (Refer Table 1, sub-themes no. 6,7,8, and 9).
Lomas suggests that the commitment component proposed by Sternberg can be equated with
the storgē type of love proposed by Lee which is a reflection of feelings underlying care and
companionship.

Expressions of Love
The second question that was asked to the participants was, “How do you show or express
love to your spouse?”. Based on the responses of the participants, the researcher arrived at the
following categories namely, Words, Actions, Time, and Trust. Few of these categories were
derived as expressions of love in another qualitative research done and reported by Kumar et
al. Research suggests that the expression of love is one among the most valorized concepts of
human emotions (Wilkins and Gareis) suggesting that love is polysemous in its nature
(Berscheid)
In research (Jankowiak and Fischer) to identify the common properties of love, it was seen
that the following attributes were considered as universal expressions of love, irrespective of
cultural barriers namely, desire for being one, idealization of the partner, exclusivity,
obsessive and intrusive thoughts about partner, emotional dependency, reordering of life
priorities, and empathy and concern for the partner. Considering one’s partner as special is
also a characteristic expression of love (Jankowiak and Fischer).
WORDS
The category of Words comprised of the following sub-themes namely, gratitude,
disclosure on daily events, and special names. (Refer Table 2: sub-themes 1,2, and 3).
Gratitude: Research on the importance of words of affirmation in relationships has found
that compliments and praise from significant partners can help to build relationship
satisfaction and frequent complaining in relationships tend to dampen relationship
satisfaction (Flora and Segrin). One of the basic human needs is the need to be appreciated
(Palmer). Some authors compare the need to be valued and appreciated to the need to
breathe. People who do not appreciate their partners or refrain from receiving appreciation
are likely to experience low self-esteem and low relationship satisfaction (Lambert and
Fincham). Though it is quite difficult to remember to express gratitude towards one’s
spouse at all times, cultivating the habit can go a long way in assisting with conflict
resolution, sense of self-worth, etc (Palmer). Studies also show that couples are more
willing to sacrifice in grateful relationships (Joel et al.). Narayan suggests that enabling is
a love language. Enablers motivate and push their spouses to become the best version of
themselves.
Disclosure of daily events: Marriage is a bond that leads to the fulfillment of warmth,
friendship, and love (Faradina et al). Waring et al define self-disclosure as an act that
involves the courage to make ourselves known and understood through opinions, attitudes,
feelings, and verbal sharing of past experiences. Jourard states that self-disclosure allows
others to judge, listen, and trust. Research suggests that communication between couples
is an important predictor of marital happiness (Caughlin). Jourard states that couples
experience frequent conflicts if their partner was too quiet or didn't share their thoughts in
marriage suggesting a lack of openness. Self-disclosure is ranked as an important aspect of
communication in marriage (Baumeister and Vohs). Inability to self-disclose among
partners paves way for an inability to adapt, lack of self-confidence, feelings of inferiority,
etc., which in turn can affect the mental health of the relationship partners (Johnson).

Disclosure on daily events also provides the couples with the opportunity to open up about
one’s deepest desires, expectations related to marriage, etc. (Faradina et al.).
Special names: Pet names or special names are often words suggesting endearment and
affection commonly used by couples in intimate relationships. The process of pet naming
a person may be tied to special moments and experiences that are often suggestive of fond
memories (Ezebube et al.). Landau refers to the use of pet names in relationships as a space
for couples to be alone, an inside language that is private. Grząśko suggests that most often
pet names fall into the following categories namely, zoosemy pertaining to animal
metaphor (chick, bunny, dove, kitten), foodsemy pertaining to food metaphor (honey,
cupcake, sugar, cookie), plantosemy pertaining to plant metaphor (buttercup, pumpkin),
toy endearment terms such as doll, royal terms like queen, madam, princess, king, and sky
terms such as star, moon, sunshine, etc.
ACTIONS
When looking at the category of Actions, the various sub-themes that constitute it are
gifting/surprising. financial support, being nice to in-laws, and caring when sick. (Refer
Table 2: sub-themes 4,5,6, and7).
Gifting/Surprising: Though many people look at gift-giving as an expensive act of love and
sometimes may even forget it as an expression of love, it is actually the thought process that
goes behind the act of careful selection, creation, and the anticipation involved behind the
act that glorifies it to an expression of love. Komter and Vollebergh refer to gift-giving as
the cement of relationships. Gifts can be symbolic of various emotions such as sympathy,
love, indebtedness, etc. Gift-giving can be reflective of either altruistic or reciprocating
norms (Komter).
Financial support: Marriage, though is primarily an emotional bond, is also an economic

union that guarantees safety and security (Kelley et al.). In a study that looked at the
influence of financial stress on the quality of marriage, it was seen that financial conflict was
one of the major predictors of divorce (Dew et al.). Research also indicates that
communication between couples can help to mediate the negative effect of financial stress
on marital quality (Hill et al.). The results of a study suggest that couples who paid off their
debts regularly enjoyed better marital quality compared to couples who did not (Dew).
Strategies that help to deal with financial management such as budget planning, saving
money, goal setting, and maintaining financial records helped to reduce financial arguments
between spouses (Lawrence et al.).
Being nice to in-laws: The social environment that couples live in plays an important role
in determining their marital quality (Bryant et al.), with the effect of the presence of in-laws
having a tremendous impact (Timmer and Veroff). Research suggests that excessive contact
with in-laws can negatively impact marital satisfaction, especially when the choice of spouse
was not fully approved by the in-laws (Booth and Edwards). In a study done by Al-Attar and
El-Gibaly, it was seen that the wives’ perception of whether the presence of in-laws
increased or decreased their workload was a direct contributor to marital satisfaction. In a

post by Narayan looking at Indian love languages, one of the love languages that emerged is
being able to love the extended family suggesting the extent to which marriage is not a two-
people affair in India, but the union of two families (Sharma et al.).
Caring when sick: Studies (Rolland) pertaining to marriage in which one of the partners is
not well, show that the healthy partner has to undergo tremendous changes in terms of
increasing stress, lifestyle and role changes, increased time spent in caregiving, etc., Roland
states that men have a difficult time accepting the fact that they can be recipients of nurture
when they are ill as the image of being providers for the family is strongly etched in their
mind. On the other hand, when wives fall ill, the husbands experience anxiety worrying
about how to manage the care of their partner and how to care for their emotions.
QUALITY TIME
When looking at the love language of quality time, the category consists of the following
sub-themes namely, physical intimacy, vacations, and mutually enjoyable activities.
Research done by Stolarski et al. posited that there are differences in perception of time spent
together among couples, These perceptual differences were found to be influencing
relationship quality to a larger extent suggesting that it is not the expression of love language
that matters, but the perception of the expressed love language by the receiver that aids in
relationship satisfaction. (Refer Table 2: sub-themes 8,9, and 10).
Physical Intimacy: The underlying basis of all physical and sexual interactions of love is
touch which is one of the first forms of communication humans develop as infants (Morgan).
Touch is one of the essentials of a romantic relationship as it stimulates the production of
the love hormone, oxytocin (Edwards) which helps to build attachment and generate feelings
of well-being between two intimate partners.
Vacations: Tarkang et al. suggest that decisions with regard to what people would like to do
in their leisure time, of which annual holidays are an important constituent are directly
related to their family's happiness. Deciding on vacation spots is a time-consuming process
in which greater investment of time is needed with regard to budget allocation, narrowing
down a vacation destination, and suggestions regarding the same (Razzouk et al.). Taking a
vacation is also associated with benefits such as recreation, relaxation, bonding, et. for
couples (Mélon et al.). Vacations with family have also been proved to improve
communication among couples (Durko and Petrick).
Mutually enjoyable activities: When couples spend time together in activities that are
exciting and novel it helps to boost satisfaction (Aron et al.). Girme et al. assert that the
extent to which shared activities are perceived positively in a relationship is dependent on
three factors including the type of activity, the motivation behind undertaking the activity,
and the partner’s degree of commitment to the activity.
TRUST
When looking a the newly emerged love expression of trust, the sub-themes were as
follows: obedience, fidelity, and forgiveness. (Refer Table 2: sub-themes 11,12, and 13)

Obedience: In a study done by Nobre that explored the relationship between obedience and
burnout in marriage, the results suggest that couples are likely to prioritize and satisfy the
needs of their partner without consideration of their own needs so as to maintain their
relationship. However, engaging in such behaviors to avoid momentary disappointment can
lead to burnout and disappointment among the partners after a while. In literature, women
who couldn’t naturally be submissive and obedient to their husbands were considered
monstrous. Obedience was considered as one of the vows of marriage specially designed
for the women which they couldn’t break but had to accept voluntarily (Tague). In certain
literature (Levin et al.), obedience and submission were regarded as intrinsic components
of love, in fact, they go to the extent of stating that obedience is love.
Fidelity: Human beings are widely believed to be capable of long-term pair-bonding that
drives intimacy in intimate relationships that are likely to be sexually monogamous
(Josephs and Shimberg). Despite moral and religious ideologies, infidelity is regarded as a
frequent behavior (Atkins et al.). Research suggests that men are more likely to be involved
in sexual infidelity whereas women are likely to have emotional infidelity-related affairs
(Cann et al.). In a study by Jr that looked into the various reasons for which people engage
in infidelity, some of the reasons included: anger, self-esteem issues, lack of love,
decreasing levels of commitment, need for variety, sexual desire, etc. Participants reported
that when the reason for engaging in infidelity was lack of love, they found the affair more
intellectually and emotionally fulfilling.
Forgiveness: Humans are social beings largely governed by principles, morals, and values.
A principle that is accepted by the majority in the society becomes a rule to which everyone
tat is part of the community remains bound. Values play an important role in guiding the
direction and overall quality of our life. Enright talks about forgiveness in interpersonal
relationships as relinquishing one’s ability to hold grudges or resentment towards people
who hurt us and choosing to deliberately manifest undeserved virtues such as love,
compassion, and generosity. Fenell reviewed that forgiveness is an important value that
constituted the longevity of marriages. Intimate couples employ a wide range of strategies
to maintain their relationship of which accommodating or overlooking negative behavior
on the part of the spouse is considered vital (Rusbult et al.). Being able to forgive entails
that the relationship is one to cherish. Within the Indian context, forgiveness is a virtue that
is closely tied to the religious context. Forgiveness of one’s spouse helps the couple to heal
and aids closure to the event (Sandilya and Shahnawaz). Shenoy states that in Indian
marriages, the attitude of not holding on to grudges, and letting go is an everyday practice,
which raises forgiveness to the status of an everyday language.
Applicability of Chapman’s love languages to the Indian context

Chapman through his book, The Five Love languages: the secret to love that lasts details
the five main languages of love namely, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Physical
Touch, Quality Time, and Receiving Gifts. In the present study, the authors attempted to
identify the applicability of these five languages to the Indian context. Additionally, the
authors also tried to explore if any new languages would emerge.

Based on the findings of the study, it can be understood that all the five languages proposed
by Chapman are well applicable to the Indian context as can be seen from the themes that
emerged in the study. Though few of the languages such as Receiving Gifts and Physical
Touch did not emerge as main languages, they have been classified as dialects under the
language of Actions and Time respectively.
In a writeup by Narayan exploring the love languages in India, the various languages that
the author has arrived at include bickering, cooking, loving the extended family, enabling,
endurance, acceptance of chaos, etc. When looking at these languages, it can be clearly
understood that though the expression or emotion conveyed behind these languages may
not necessarily be love, it involves variants of love such as concern, affection, duty,
responsibility, etc. However, that does not in any way deride the above-mentioned
languages any lesser than the languages mentioned by Chapman.
The concept of love languages is often referred to as pop-psych or popular psychology.
Though the original book written by Chapman has been translated into over 50 languages
and the concept has gained wide popularity, a major disadvantage is that the concept has
not been validated enough through empirical research by the author (Surijah et al.). In the
present study, when the researchers explained the concept of love languages to the
participants, the majority of them seemed to be thrilled at the idea of love being expressed
in the form of a language and were eager to learn more about the languages and its dialects.
Though the sample chosen for the study is very small in size, the eagerness and curiosity
expressed by the participants can be safely generalized to other married couples who would
be willing to try out something new that would help their relationship attain a state of
“mellifluous”.
Limitations and Future Recommendations

The concept of love languages is often regarded as psychobabble (Duncan) as there are very
few studies that account for its concept and construct validity. Chapman’s original construct
of love languages advocated the concept of learning one’s partners’ love language, however,
over the years, this notion has been replaced with ideas of searching for partners who have
similar love languages or forcing the significant other to speak one’s love language. People
have taken advantage of the concept and modified it into a way of asking what they need. The
term “love language” has entered into the everyday vocabulary wherein people use
expressions such as “food, coffee, brunch…etc., is my love language” (Feters). The use of
such expressions though portray literary creativeness, often undermines the original purpose
with which the concept was put forth. Another limitation of the concept is with regard to
utilizing it partially. The novelty of the concept sparks interest among the couples, however,
once the information part is sorted out, they often fail to translate this information into
behavior or action, and therefore, the actual worth of the concept remains undermined. Other
limitations of the concept point to the lack of a scale with standardized psychometric
properties that will help test takers gain an idea regarding their primary and associated love
languages (Surijah et al.).

The recommendations of this study suggest the designing of more interventions and training
programs tailor-made for couples in conflicting marriages with love languages as an important
construct to be addressed. Further, the researchers also recommend the need for a sound
psychometric scale on love languages that need to be designed in a culturally appropriate
manner for apt assessment of love languages among the Indian population.

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Table 1 – Dimensions of Love

N Sub- Sample Quotes Participant

o themes details
THEME: INTIMACY
1 Care “Needs in marriage can change, but support must be B, 30yrs, Wife
unconditional”
2 Give “Its a give and take policy, both of us have to put in 100 P, 39yrs,
and percent for the journey to go on…” Husband
Take
3 Constant “It’s that feeling of wanting it to be evening so that we can MP, 27yrs, Wife
together be together again”
ness
THEME: PASSION
“I don’t know what is love any longer, but I think it was SJ, 46yrs, Wife
3 Addiction what I felt when we began our relationship and we used to
do everything together….wear matching outfits, take a lot
of photos…just couldn’t be away from each other”
“Love is the willingness to do anything, be anything, for the

4 Sacrifice partner….a state of openness..” BU,50yrs, Wife
“Love is the emotion that drives you to be childlike, MP, 27yrs, Wife
5 Freedom impulsive, genuine, and free”
THEME: COMMITMENT
“It is love when you know that there is no one else in this
6 Satisfactio world that you would rather be with” AR, 32yrs, Wife
n with
one’s
choice
“Love is a forever journey..”

7 A lasting MP, 27yrs, Wife
bond

Accepta “Love is the ability to accept life as it is…the good and the
8 nce bad” D, 37yrs, Husband
Not “After a point in marriage, you learn to accept life as it

9 having is..you don’t try to change anything…you are open to life as S, 55rs, Wife
expectat it is…for me that is love…one that comes after a very long
ions wait”
Table 2 – Expressions of Love
N Sub- Sample Quotes Participant

o themes details
THEME: WORDS
1 Our marriage was one that took place after a lot of PM, 26yrs Wife
Gratitude waiting…and I am forever grateful to God to have him as
my husband….I make it a point to let him know how much
he means to me…
2 As soon as he returns from the office, I start ranting about MJ, 38yrs, Wife
Disclosure my day to him and it is such a relief….though he doesn’t
of daily share as much as I do…i think that little time where we tell
events each other about our day is the best time we spent
together….
3 Special I call her whatever comes to my mind….words I make up on AP, 28yrs,

names my own..…some words do not have any meaning at all…but Husband
they are special to me…just the last week I came up with
momo…and she found it cute….
THEME: ACTIONS
Gifting/ I spend a lot of time planning well ahead of time special

4 Surprising days….I like to give him creative gifts rather than things ALM, 28yrs, Wife
that can be used and then forgotten about…One time I
wrote him a cute note saying. “I know that I am a headache
to you…the next time I am a headache to you, use this”. I
gifted him a pair of baby shoes which were two strips of
paracetamol….

Financial Some of my friends tell me that they feel uncomfortable MM, 30yrs, Wife
5 support when their spouses ask them for money….however, I have
never felt so…in fact, I am quite proud of being able to back
him financially and support his ventures…
Being nice Though I know it very well that my mother-in-law would

6 to in-laws have preferred someone else other than me for her son, I SBM, 47yrs, Wife
continue to treat her with respect and I don’t show my
displeasure to her because I know she matters a lot to my
husband…and whoever is important to him is just as
important to me….
Caring I have always been the “Mother Teresa” in my

7 when sick family…that’s what my parents and cousins used to call KTF, 45yrs, Wife
me….All I ever wanted was to become a mother…The same
applies to my husband too…He is more like a child to me
than an adult….and I know he secretly enjoys the
pampering and attention I give him when he is sick..though
he never admits it openly…
THEME: TIME
Physical It is a rule amongst us that even if we are fighting we hug each

8 Intimacy other before leaving for work. B, 35yrs, Wife
Vacatio We love taking time-off by ourselves…we don’t spend a lot of

9 ns time planning and all…we are both impulsive that way….we SEJ, 30yrs, Wife
just pack our bags and take off.
Mutuall For us even after the kids have come, we make it a point that
10 y we go out whenever possible, just the two of us D, 37yrs, Husband
enjoyabl
e
activitie
s
THEME: TRUST
Obedien Well..that might seem weird to you…but I ask my husband's

11 ce permission before I leave the house and I inform him well EE, 28yrs, Wife
ahead of any change in my schedules…and I am not at all
uncomfortable in doing so...I have friends who question this

behavior of mine terming it outdated..but for me…it is how I

show my love for him…I want him to know that his opinions
matter to me equally…
Fidelity I don’t see the point in sending many texts and constantly
12 checking one’s spouse…If you trust them, let them be free, it M, 35yrs, Wife
is sometimes the excessive intrusions that can direct them to
explore other alternative options…
Forgive When we fight, I can’t stay mad at him for long…Though I try
13 ness my best to put up a stern face, I really can’t hold my act AMP, 29yrs, Wife
together for long….I walk up to him and say, “you are
forgiven” with all the attitude I can manage and then we bot
burst out laughing….
Declarations
Funding: The authors wish to state that there was no funding received for the paper.
Conflicts of interest/Competing interests: The authors have no conflicting interests to

declare
Data Availability Statement: The data of the study is not available, however, upon
reasonable request, the data will be made available.
Authors' contributions: ALM has written the various sections of the paper, prepared the
manuscript and tables and collected the data for the study and written the methodology
section. SS has assisted in coding the themes emerged in the study and has meticulously gone
through the manuscript and suggested revisions and has also assisted in the data analysis
procedure. Both authors have read and approved the final manuscript
Ethics approval: The study was approved by the Ethical committee members of the
Department of Psychology, University of Madras, Chennai, India
Consent to participate: Informed consent was obtained from the participants of the study
expressing their willingness to be part of the study.
Consent for publication: Consent for publication was obtained from the participants and the
co-author.
Acknowledgments: Not Applicable
Asha Latha Mathew

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Ph.D. Research Scholar
ORCID: 0000-0002-8792-8164
&
Dr. S.Sasikala
Assistant Professor
ORCID: 0000-0003-1765-7546

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Speaking the Language of Love: A Qualitative Approach

Article · July 2022

Asha Latha Mathew Sasikala S.

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Asha Latha Mathew

Keywords: Love, Marriage, Communication, Love Languages

June, 2022. VOL.14. ISSUE NO.2 https://hrdc.gujaratuniversity.ac.in/Ejournal Page | 782

The Five Love Languages

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✔ To identify the different themes of love as proposed by married people

✔ To identify if the concepts of Chapman’s love languages can be applicable to the

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Sample and Sample characteristics

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1. How would you define love?

Findings and Discussion

Can love be defined?

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Financial support: Marriage, though is primarily an emotional bond, is also an economic

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Applicability of Chapman’s love languages to the Indian context

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Limitations and Future Recommendations

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Table 1 – Dimensions of Love

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N Sub- Sample Quotes Participant

“Love is the willingness to do anything, be anything, for the

“Love is a forever journey..”

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Not “After a point in marriage, you learn to accept life as it

Table 2 – Expressions of Love

N Sub- Sample Quotes Participant

3 Special I call her whatever comes to my mind….words I make up on AP, 28yrs,

Gifting/ I spend a lot of time planning well ahead of time special

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Being nice Though I know it very well that my mother-in-law would

Caring I have always been the “Mother Teresa” in my

Physical It is a rule amongst us that even if we are fighting we hug each

Vacatio We love taking time-off by ourselves…we don’t spend a lot of

Obedien Well..that might seem weird to you…but I ask my husband's

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behavior of mine terming it outdated..but for me…it is how I

Conflicts of interest/Competing interests: The authors have no conflicting interests to

Acknowledgments: Not Applicable

Asha Latha Mathew

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