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PSYCHOLOGICAL UNDERSTANDING AMONG LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS

KANCHAN PAL* (P.G SCHOLAR)

Article · October 2020

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 PSYCHOLOGICAL UNDERSTANDING AMONG LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS
KANCHAN PAL* (P.G SCHOLAR)
Relationships focuses on the interaction between two individuals, paying close attention to
both behavior and what goes in people’s minds (emotions and cognitions). Within social
psychology, up to the late 1970s, research into relationships concentrated on interpersonal
attraction; namely, what factors lead people to be attracted to one another at the initial
stages of relationship development? This article tended to be a theoretical like a shopping list
of variables that influence attraction, including similarity, proximity, physical attractiveness,
and so forth. Indeed, the study of close relationships has become one of the most important
domains in social psychology over the past several decades.
Why are we attracted to some people? How do people know they are in good relationships?
Why do people fall in love? Does good communication really produce successful
relationships? Are men really from Mars and women from Venus? These are just some of the
intriguing questions that social psychologists attempt to answer.

These some indication suggests that the ability to form a stable relationship starts to form in
infancy, in a child's earliest experiences with a caregiver who reliably meets the infant's needs
for food, care, warmth, protection, stimulation, and social contact. Such relationships are not
destiny, but they are theorized to establish deeply ingrained patterns of relating to others.

DEFINITION

One of the most common assessments given by doctors and therapists is called a "Global
Assessment of Functioning." This assessment is designed to look at all aspects of a person's
life in order to see how well the individual is functioning. Love falls under the umbrella of
social functioning. Problems with love and interpersonal relationships can be an indicator of
major problems, so most professionals take this information very seriously. Most doctors and
psychologists agree that difficulty with love relationships ranks as a serious medical
condition that demands some type of intervention.

Love is a set of emotions and behaviors characterized by intimacy, passion, and commitment.
It involves care, closeness, protectiveness, attraction, affection, and trust. Love can vary in
intensity and can change over time. It is associated with a range of positive emotions,
including happiness, excitement, life satisfaction, and euphoria, but it can also result in
negative emotions such as jealousy and stress.

Relationships themselves divide into two further categories: platonic friendships versus
romantic relationships. Romantic relationships differ from close platonic friendships in two
major ways. First, romantic relationships contain the elements of sex and passion, and
second, individuals are typically involved in just one romantic attachment at one time.
Friendships can be intense and are of enormous psychological importance in our lives, but
most research in social psychology has been devoted toward understanding romantic
relationships.

BASIC UNDERSTANDING
We like to think that love and relationships are more art than science, but there is actually
plenty of science involved with falling and remaining in love. Take kissing, for instance; Not
all kisses, or kissers, are equal, and we tend to rely on the quality of the kiss as a decision-
maker in whether or not to continue dating someone. A fantastic person can have all the
conventional qualities that might make him seem attractive—handsome/beautiful, good job-
but if he/she is a bad kisser, research tells us that he/she won’t end up being our first pick for
a partner. We also tend to close a lot at the beginning of a relationship, but often neglect
the power of intimacy as we settle into a long-term partnership. But that would be a mistake:
relationships that have been together for years still pay attention to love, stating it helps
maintain the spark in their relationship.

THEORIES

Only fairly recently has love become the subject of science. In the past, the study of love was
left to "the creative writer to depict for us the necessary conditions for loving," according
to Sigmund Freud. "In consequence, it becomes inevitable that science should concern herself
with the same materials whose treatment by artists has given enjoyment to mankind for
thousands of years," he added. Research on love has grown tremendously since Freud's
remarks. But early explorations into the nature and reasons for love drew considerable
criticism. During the 1970s, U.S. Senator William Proxmire railed against researchers who
were studying love and derided the work as a waste of taxpayer dollars. Despite early
resistance, research has revealed the importance of love in both child development and adult
health for your partner during the early stages of a romance can feel much different than the
love you may feel years later into the relationship. Psychologist Elaine Hatfield has described
two different types of romantic love: compassionate (also known as companionate) and
passionate. Compassionate love involves feelings of mutual respect, trust, and affection while
passionate love involves intense feelings and sexual attraction.

The Color Wheel Model of Love :- In his 1973 book The Colors of Love, psychologist John
Lee compared styles of love to the color wheel. Just as there are three primary colors, Lee
suggested that there are three primary styles of love. These three styles of love are:

 Eros: The term eros stems from the Greek word meaning "passionate" or "erotic."
Lee suggested that this type of love involves both physical and emotional passion.
 Ludos: Ludos comes from the Greek word meaning "game." This form of love is
conceived as playful and fun, but not necessarily serious. Those who exhibit this form
of love are not ready for commitment and are wary of too much intimacy.
 Storge: Storge stems from the Greek term meaning "natural affection." This form of
love is often represented by familial love between parents and children, siblings, and
extended family members. This type of love can also develop out of friendship where
people who share interests and commitments gradually develop affection for one
another.

Continuing the color wheel analogy, Lee proposed that just as the primary colors can be
combined to create complementary colors, these three primary styles of love could be
combined to create nine different secondary love styles. For example, combining Eros and
Ludos results in mania or obsessive love.

Lee’s 6 Styles of Loving

There are three primary styles:

 Eros: Loving an ideal person

 Ludos: Love as a game
 Storge: Love as friendship

Three secondary styles:

 Mania (Eros + Ludos): Obsessive love

 Pragma (Ludos + Storge): Realistic and practical love
 Agape (Eros + Storge): Selfless love

Triangular Theory of Love

Psychologist Robert Sternberg proposed a triangular theory suggesting that there are three
components of love:

 Intimacy
 Passion
 Commitment

Different combinations of these three components result in different types of love. For
example, combining intimacy and commitment results in compassionate love, while
combining passion and intimacy leads to romantic love. According to Sternberg, relationships
built on two or more elements are more enduring than those based on a single component.
Sternberg uses the term consummate love to describe combining intimacy, passion, and
commitment. While this type of love is the strongest and most enduring, Sternberg suggests
that this type of love is rare.

Psychosocial Development

Erikson’s theory of psychosocial development proposes that people pass through a series of
stages centered on social and emotional development. At each point in a person’s life, they
face a developmental conflict that must be resolved. Important elements of this theory
include:

 Conflict: The conflict in each stage can serve as a turning point, either driving or
hampering growth. Those who fail to master these challenges will continue to
struggle.
 Lifelong development: One thing that made Erikson’s theory unique is that unlike
many other developmental theories, the psychosocial stages look at how people
change and grow over the course of the entire lifetime.
 Psychological skills: People who overcome these conflicts are able to achieve
psychological skills that ultimately last the rest of their life.

These adult stages continue to play an important role in a person's development. The skills
acquired during earlier stages can build on one another and help determine if people
successfully navigate future stages.
Social psychological research in psychology over the past two decades has been marked by
three major developments. First, there has been an explosion of work concerned with
understanding the role that social cognition (beliefs, cognitive processes, etc.) and emotions
play in intimate relationships. This work has borrowed theories and methodologies from both
social and cognitive psychology. Second, there has been a burgeoning interest in how
attachment and bonding processes contribute to adult romantic relationships. Attachment
research in adults appropriated the basic theories from the work in the 1960s and 1970s
concerning infant-caregiver attachment bonds. Third, the study of interpersonal attraction (in
the context of romantic relationships, this is typically labeled mate selection) has once again
become a hot topic, but under the new banner of evolutionary psychology.

Perhaps the best-known model today is Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love. The reason
this theory gets a lot of attention is that it combines many of the elements found in
earlier theories of love. According to Sternberg, there are three essential elements of love:
intimacy, passion, and commitment.

A relationship built on only one of these elements is generally considered weak, while one
built on two or more elements is much more lasting. For example, a combination of passion
and intimacy would be what Sternberg refers to as "passionate love."

NEED FOR IDEAL MATE

Psychology plays a role when a person decided to not to single anymore , may be he/she
attracted to or ready to share his/her own emotions with other person. Our self-esteem, mental
and emotional health, life experiences, and family relations all influence whom we’re
attracted to. Positive experience and negative experience impact our choices and make
someone appear more or less attractive..
We might not want to continue a relationship that involves addiction or abuse or has other
serious problems. Lacking major obstacles, getting past the ordeal to the real deal requires
self-esteem, courage, acceptance, and assertiveness skills. It necessitates the ability to
honestly speak up about our needs and wants, to share feelings, compromise, and resolve
conflict. Rather than try to change our partner, our efforts are better placed on learning to
accept him or her. (This doesn’t mean accepting abuse.) This is the struggle for intimacy, and
requires a commitment by both partners to get with mutual respect and a desire to make the
relationship work.

PROCESS OF LOVE AND BREAING UP

Based on the wheel theory of love, love relationships begin with the establishment of rapport
that involves sharing likes, preferences, establishing some common interests. The next step is
to begin to disclose more personal information through self-revelation. When one person
begins to open up, the social expectation is that the other will follow and also share more
personal information so that each has made some risk and trust is built. Sexual intimacy may
also become part of the relationship. Gradually, partners begin to disclose even more about
themselves and are met with support and acceptance as they build mutual dependency. With
time, partners come to rely on each other for need fulfillment.
The wheel must continue in order for love to last. It becomes important for partners to
continue to establish rapport by discussing the day’s events, communicating about their goals
and desires, and showing signs of trust. Partners must continue to rely on one another to have
certain needs fulfilled. If the wheel turns backward, partners talk less and less, rely less on
one another and are less likely to disclose.

FEAR’S

The problem often begins when a person with fear find those relationships too close or
intimate. An ability to genuinely share your true self with another person and relates to the
experience of closeness and connection. Some define different types of intimacy, and the fear
of it may involve one or more of them to different degrees.

Fear of intimacy:- An ability to genuinely share your true self with another person and relates
to the experience of closeness and connection. Some define different types of intimacy, and
the fear of it may involve one or more of them to different degrees.

 Fear of abandonment:- Those who are afraid of abandonment worry that their partner
will leave them. This often results from the experience of a parent or other important
adult figure abandoning the person emotionally or physically as a young child.
 Fear of engulfment:- Those who have a fear of engulfment are afraid of being
controlled, dominated, or "losing themselves" in a relationship, and this sometimes
stems from growing up in an enmeshed family.
 Fear of commitment:- A person who has a fear of intimacy is often able to interact
with others, at least initially. It's when the relationship grows closer—when the value
of the relationship grows—that things begin to fall apart.
Instead of connecting on an intimate level, the relationship is ended in some way, and
replaced by yet another, more superficial relationship. The pattern that emerges is
many short-term relationships. There are a number of reasons why a person may
appear to have a "commitment phobia" or be accused of being a serial dater; fear of
intimacy may be one.
 Anxiety disorder:- The fear of intimacy may also occur as part of a social
phobia or social anxiety disorder. Some experts classify the fear of intimacy as a
subset of these conditions. People who are afraid of others' judgment, evaluation, or
rejection are naturally more likely to shy away from making intimate, personal
connections. In addition, some specific phobias, such as the fear of touch, may occur
as part of the fear of intimacy. Other people, however, may be comfortable in loose
social situations, numbering their acquaintances and social media "friends" in the
hundreds, but have no deeply personal relationships at all. In fact, the fear of intimacy
can be harder to detect as today's technology allows people to hide behind their
phones and social media.
 Difficulty expressing needs :- A person with a fear of intimacy may have great
difficulty expressing needs and wishes. Again, this may stem from feeling
undeserving of another's support. Because partners are unable to "mind read," those
needs go unfulfilled, essentially confirming the person's feelings that they are
unworthy. This can translate into a vicious circle, one in which the lack of a partner
understanding unexpressed needs leads to a further lack of trust in the relationship.
 Difficulties with physical contact :- A fear of intimacy can lead to extremes when it
comes to physical contact. On one side, a person may avoid physical contact
completely. On the other, they may seem to have a constant need for physical contact.
 IMPECT OF LOVE

Love, attachment, and affection have an important impact on well-being and quality of
life. Loving relationships have been linked to:

 Lower risk of heart disease

 Decreased risk of dying after a heart attack
 Better health habits
 Increased longevity
 Lower stress levels
 Less depression
 Lower risk of diabetes

DEAL WITH BREAKING UP

When relationships are new, partners tend to give one another the benefit of the doubt and
focus on what they like about one another. Flaws and imperfections do not go unnoticed;
rather, they are described as endearing qualities. So, for example, the partner who has a very
large nose is described as ‘distinguished’ or as having a ‘striking feature.’ This is very
exhilarating because features that someone may have previously felt self-conscious about are
now accepted or even appreciated. However, once partners begin the process of breaking up,
these views are abandoned and questionable qualities are once again flaws and imperfections.

Kersten (1990) provides a look at the dynamics of breaking up. Although this work is
primarily about divorce, the dynamics of dissolving any long-term relationship are
similar. The beginning phase of breaking up involves seeing imperfections in the relationship
but remaining hopeful that things will improve. This improvement will require the partner’s
cooperation because they are primarily at fault. So, as long as the offending partner makes the
necessary changes, and of course the offended partner will provide the advice, support, and
guidance required, the relationship will continue. (If you are thinking that this is not going to
work-you are right. Attempts to change one’s partner are usually doomed to failure. Would
you want your partner to try to change you?)

Once it becomes clear that efforts to change are futile, the middle phase is entered. This phase
is marked by disappointment. Partners talk less and less, make little eye contact, and grow
further apart. One may still try to make contact, but the other is clearly disengaged and is
considering the benefits and costs of leaving the relationship.

In the end phase, the decision to leave has been made. The specific details are being worked
out. Turning a relationship around is very difficult at this point. Trust has diminished, and
thoughts have turned elsewhere. This stage is one of hopelessness.

IMPROVEMENTAND CHECKINS

Maintaining a strong relationship requires constant care and communication, and certain traits
have been shown to be especially important for fostering healthy relationships. Each
individual should, for starters, feel confident that their partner is willing to devote time
and attention to the other. They must both also be committed to accommodating their
differences, even as those change over time.

In the 21st century, good relationships are generally marked by emotional and physical
fairness, particularly in the distribution of chores necessary to maintain a household. Partners
in strong relationships also feel grateful for one another, openly provide and receive
affection, and engage in honest discussions about sex In good relationships, partners try to
afford their partner the benefit of the doubt, which creates a sense of being on the same team.
This feeling, maintained over the long term, can help couples overcome the challenges they
will inevitably face together.

As our love relationship evolves, we can do periodic relationship psychology check-ins to

make sure we are being nourished by it.

SOME RELATIONSHIP PSYCHOLOGICAL CHECK-INS MIGHT INCLUDE:

1. Needs, yours and your partner’s

Are you able to state your needs without fear of criticism or mockery by your partner? Does
your partner listen respectfully and offer meaningful feedback, including a plan to meet your
needs? Do you do the same for him?

2. Measuring the success of your relationship

While no single relationship can be expected to fulfill all our needs, you do want your
marriage to be at the top of the list of relationships that make you thrive and feel like you
have an important role in someone else’s life.

3. Level of emotional intimacy

As per the love psychology, your marriage should be the most intimate relationship you have,
above and beyond the relationships you have with your children, your friends, and your work
colleagues.

Marriage should be your harbor, your safe haven, your shoulder to lean on. Make sure you
remain invested in the emotional intimacy factor of your relationship.

4. Have plans for the future

As per the important principles of relationship psychology, even if you have been together for
a long time, it is important for the psychological health of your relationship to have plans for
the future.

From small plans, like where you will be vacationing this year, to large plans, such as what
you would like to be doing ten years from now, imagining your shared future is an important
exercise to do from time to time with your partner.
5. The ebb and flow of love
Psychologists in the field of relationship psychology, who specialize in studying love
dynamics note that it is entirely normal for couples to experience moments of distance, both
mental and physical, during their lives together.

This « breathing space » can actually be beneficial to the health of the relationship, provided
that the couple remains committed to communicating their love, respect, admiration,
and gratitude for each other.

An example of this would be the « enforced long-distance relationship », a couple who, for
professional reasons, is obligated to physically split and live in different cities for a set
amount of time.

If the two people involved are committed to the relationship and proactively communicate
their love for each other despite not being physically together, this moment of distance can
enhance and strengthen the relationship.

6. Emotional distance
According to relationship psychology, emotional distance can also occur in a relationship,
and may or may not be cause for concern.

According to the psychology of relationships and love, factors such as a new baby or stress at
work are normal events that may temporarily cause some emotional distance to develop
between a couple.

This is usually short-lived and will decrease with time and adaptation.

It is important to talk about what is happening if only to acknowledge that you are aware of
the situation and to assure each other that once you are « out of the woods », your normal
closeness will return.

How does this benefit your relationship? These are teaching moments. Try to follow
positive psychology about relationships. Start by learning more about your partner. As time
passes, likes, dislikes, preferences, and thought processes – all change.

Once you have gone through a stretch of emotional distance and come out on the other side,
the relationship is deepened and both people see that they can weather a storm and survive
(and thrive).

7. Love is in the smaller acts

When it comes to the psychology behind love, often we think that the larger the
demonstration, the more love that person is feeling. But love psychologists have found that
according to relationship psychology, it is the small acts of love that bind long-term couples.
In fact, if you understand the psychology behind relationships, it is often the common slip-
ups that eventually lead to relationship failure.
 We all know stories of large-scale displays of love: the man who proposed to his girlfriend
over the plane’s intercom system or proclaimed his love by delivering one hundred red roses
to his girlfriend’s workplace.

These do sound romantic (especially in movies), but happy longterm couples tell us what
says « I love you » best: the hot cup of coffee brought to the bedside in the morning, the trash
being taken out without having to ask, the « You look so beautiful » uttered spontaneously.

By being mindful of the science of relationships and relationship psychology, and following
small thoughtful acts we can remind ourselves that someone values us and we are important
to them.

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