THE FUTURE OF HUMANITY PROJECT

Kaitlin Jacobs

OGL-340: The Future of Humanity: Dialogue in the Workplace

Dr. Michael Pryzdia

6.22.22

Total Word Count: 7240

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Part 1: Seven Questions for Consideration

1) If our thoughts and experiences are part of the collective whole – and they are

constantly unfolding and enfolding out of the whole – could they enfold from our

consciousness into the implicate order, and then unfold from the implicate order into

the consciousness of another in the form of say, shared memory’s and experiences or

visions of past lives?

2) How can we have thought, which is collective, something that pervades us all – how can

we have a pool of shared knowledge that has been developing for centuries – and yet

such a divide in the way we each assign meaning to the world around us?

3) If conscious awareness is the key to understanding thought as a system - and as it

relates to our perception of reality - could altering or disrupting said consciousness (and

the very system of thought itself) through the use of psychedelics offer a glimpse of the

implicate whole? Is such an altered consciousness one that could exist outside of the

system of thought?

4) Is a higher order of control possible? Could this higher order be an evolutionary need to

survive? If so, is it this inherent need for evolution that gives way to incoherence? Is it

this intrinsic instinct to survive that benefits from the negative shortcomings typically

associated with incoherence and thought as a system? Would there be incoherence -

would we have the system of thought - if not for a higher order, a driving factor or

force, an intrinsic motivator that of which could benefit from it?

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5) If thought truly is a collective activity, then is it our personal experiences giving way to

assumptions that create a false sense of individuality, and thus, reality? If those very

experiences and realities are indeed shared at the collective level themselves, then

shouldn’t we intrinsically have a greater sense of shared meaning? If we were to remove

this false sense of individuality and reality might we reach a shared consciousness?

6) Is corporate America operating in direct opposition to the theory of wholeness? Can we

achieve collective enlightenment without abolishing such a system? Can an equilibrium

be met with regards to the levels of incoherence and coherence in society as it relates

to true enlightenment? Is some form or some amount of incoherence necessary in a

collectively enlightened society?

7) If all knowledge is stored collectively in the implicate whole – might there be some level

of consciousness or insight we could reach that would grant us access to all knowledge?

If there are many subtle levels of reality, might we already have access to at least some

of these realities? Is it access to these more subtle realities that gives us the perception

of shared knowledge, while maintaining feelings of individuality?

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Part 2: Journal Entries

Journal 1

Week Ending 5/22

This class has found me in a pivotal point of my existence, as I begin to shift into an

altered state of consciousness. Truthfully, like a lot of students my age I intentionally

experimented with psychedelics in a subconscious attempt to broaden my horizons. It was a

profound one-off experience that has since changed my life and opened many doors. This

happened around a year ago and I feel as though I am in a period of transition and growth as a

direct result of it. At times it is a bit overwhelming, as if I had chosen to take the red pill without

realizing that blue was an option. I hope that you will follow along with me on my journey as I

attempt to find balance and meaning in the world around me.

As a direct result of my once altered and ever changing consciousness I have made an

intentional attempt to better understand not only myself but life as a whole. One of my recent

objectives was to explore ego and the role that my ego plays in my life. Specifically I read a

book called EGO IS THE ENEMY. One of the main ideas that has stuck with me is the difference

between who I want to BE in life, vs. what I want to DO with my life. I find it very easy to get

caught up in chasing the accolades, the titles, the achievement’s one my age might typically

aspire to have. This book has taught me that it is my ego that wants these things. Ego is the

reason that I could write a 3,000 word essay on who I want to be, yet struggle to finish the first
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sentence of an essay titled “what do I want to do with my life”. The 5 th discipline touches on

many of the struggles I currently am facing as they regard to ego.

Personal Mastery is one that reminds of my book on ego because I too believed that

mastery was achieved through the titles, status and accolades I mentioned previously. I

believed that I would achieve personal mastery in my life once I had a diploma in my hand,

once I became a technical project manager, once I secured a lavish house and cars.

Understanding that personal mastery is essentially the never ending pursuit of clarifying,

deepening, focusing and developing one’s self has further catapulted me into a state of

wonderment as it pertains to the way I view my reality. I myself am an artist so being prompted

to try and “approach my life the way an artist would approach a work of art” has been sitting

heavily on my mind. To better understand this I picked up my paintbrush yesterday, something I

admittedly have not done in months, and tried to be present. Art typically is a very dissociative

activity for me so this was a difficult challenge. What I noticed is that when I am present in my

creations I am swarmed by many challenging and grounding emotions. The first is an inherent

feeling of nervousness stemming from an internal need to express myself. I have always had

these visions in my head and have always used art as a way to bring those visions to life so that

I may better understand them. These anxious feelings arise because I am worried that I will not

be able to accurately bring forth the wonders inside of me. Once I begin to put brush to canvas

those feelings fade away and I immediately feeling a sense of relief wash over me. I begin to

remember as I always do that my paintings never come out exactly as they are viewed in my

head, and that the reason I do this, the reason I paint is because I am committed to the process.

It’s not the results that heal me but the process itself. It’s all about the commitment to living a
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creative life, the commitment to learning and developing myself along the way. Basically it’s

about the journey not the destination.

This plays heavily into the idea that I am more than my position. It’s interesting to me

because while I believe I assume the position of an artist, as many do within their careers, no

one is forcing me to assume that reality. It’s a practice that is so engrained in us as a species

that I myself begin to take the same mental models and apply them on my own time, in my own

house. I assume a position where one is not necessary and I let that position become my

identity. I am so much more than an artist. I am not simply a painter who is painting because

that’s what painters do. I am serving a purpose greater than myself to discover and bring forth

the jewels buried deep inside of me and I am setting them free into the universe. It is my

purpose to create them for I find a deep connection to this life in the process, and then I set

them free in hopes that it will someday find its place in this world, be it as inspiration to others

or a tangible explanation of feelings they previously couldn’t explain. Thinking of my creative

process in this way certainly does bring me a sense of responsibility, to myself and more

importantly to the world around me, to bring forth these hidden jewels.

Currently I am feeling many things after this weeks readings. I feel an overwhelming

sense of understanding and ignorance at the same time. I feel as if I had stepped into what I

thought was a puddle but ended up being an entire ocean. A feeling very well encapsulated by

the matrix’s description of what it is like to take the red pill. I feel a sense of spirituality in my

life that previously was not present and I feel as though I am beginning to understand that

these fragmented pieces of reality truly do come together. What I don’t understand is how. It

cannot be coincidence that I decided to experiment and alter my consciousness, to begin this
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journey and be handed this class at this time. Why did I not get assigned this class a year ago?

My reasoning is that I was not ready for it. I deeply wish to understand, and to learn about all of

these things. My hope is that this class will bring clarity and understanding to me.

Journal 2

Week Ending 5/27

This week I find myself enfolding and unfolding into both calm and overwhelming states

of understanding and confusion. I had a conversation with my boyfriend last night. I am not

sure if our current situation will relate to this course or not but I have a feeling it will, so I will

explain. We have been together for almost four years. The first year of dating we lived 90 miles

apart at our respective colleges. He was pre law and I was studying for a computer science

associates degree. We have lived together for 3 years since his graduation. In august of 2020

after one year of living together we decided to move to Arizona, beat out from the harsh

Midwest Iowa weather and feeling insecure of our personal paths during the pandemic. Moving

changed our lives. As partners we grew much closer from relying solely on each other. However

it quickly became apparent that we were not adjusting in the same ways. I was thriving here. I

quickly moved up into several management positions at my place of employment. I flipped a

switch and went from part time schooling and part time work as a waitress to working over 65

hours a week between 3 separate positions while also acing classes at a larger university. I

began to break down my small town ways of thinking and decided to explore my own self-
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expression and the meanings I places on the world around me. I came into myself in a sense. He

on the other hand began to struggle. In Iowa he once took 8 classes in one college semester

and passed them all while also holding a part time job at a casino and regularly participating in

his military duties. That drive changed when we got here. Admittedly he was a bit lost before

we left the Midwest but being here exacerbated all of it. He stopped holding a consistent job

and he would be unemployed for months before finding another, always claiming he couldn’t

find one. He isolated in his room and played video games for roughly 6-7 hours a day. He no

longer wanted to adventure with me. It got to a point where I had to make a very hard decision

and began advocating that he moved back home to have a larger support system and work on

his mental health. Thinking back to last week the entire situation reminds me of the parable of

the boiling frog. It has been 9 weeks since he begrudgingly left me in Arizona alone. The first

week that he was gone felt like a dream, it didn’t feel real. There was only 3 days between

when I advocated to him to go home and when his room was suddenly empty. I kept asking

myself how this could all have happened so fast. Why wasn’t I awarded the luxury of time to

prepare mentally and emotionally for such a large change? Thinking back I was awarded the

time, I chose to ignore the signs, to be unaware of the larger picture. I started breaking down

these habits to focus and fix them on an individual level while losing sight of the whole. This

environment was not good for him.

Because of this situation I am in a unique space where I find myself alone across the

country from everyone I love and care about after having went through a year of extreme

mental and emotional growth. He asks me to move back ‘home’ once my lease is up but I

cannot. I no longer identify with the ideas associated in the small town I grew up in. I feel I still
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have more internal work to do and I am afraid that I cannot be committed to this type of

growth and learning in such an environment. It is here that I begin to become overwhelmed.

Continual change feels good but it also makes me feel like I am constantly moving, as if I don’t

have a home because I am becoming a home to myself. It is lonely, it is scary, and the driving

factor is this overwhelming feeling that I need to go through these things. I hope that this class

continues to bring meaning to these feelings. I hope to gain better insight as to my purpose in

this world because currently I can feel it but I cannot express it.

5.23.22 At approximately 12:45pm I had a huge breakthrough in my knowledge. I was

reading the Wikipedia page about implicate order and explicate order. I first had watched the

hour long video, then I read Pratts piece, then I read Bohm’s interview… and I was actually still

kind of confused. I could understand the concept in bits and pieces but couldn’t explain it as a

whole, couldn’t relate one piece to the other (It’s okay we can all agree to ignore the irony of

that from chapter 2 of The 5th Discipline) This Wikipedia page however, is helping me pull it all

together. For a bit of context on the photo. I have always thought of this enfolding and

unfolding manifested in my eyes through different artistic visions or scenarios. I would like to

share a few of them. The first is of a piece of paper being folded into an accordion and played

with by a child at their school desk. The child folds it and unfolds it, making it bigger and

smaller. Now, imagine the child is done playing. He or she neatly folds the accordioned paper

back up and sets it on the desk in front of them. Eventually a new child comes up to the desk to

examine and play with the paper. He was told the paper was a lot of fun to play with by the

previous child, but seeing as they are children, his playmate gave no indication of how to play

with the paper. At first glance all he sees is a snippet of paper 1/6 its normal size. That is, he
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doesn’t understand how much more paper lies beneath his outward perception of it. He’s

confused, “this doesn’t look fun at all” he says. In an effort to understand he cuts up the

accordioned paper with a pair of scissors into little pieces. During this fragmentation he cuts

right through the folds. The paper will no longer appear to be an accordion, he will no longer be

able to fold it in and out like a musical instrument and the child will no longer understand its

true purpose. The child was attempting as much of us do, to break things down because he

believed that if he could not understand it as a whole, that he could begin to by first

understanding how the smaller parts work. This scenario like many others is a feeble attempt to

better observe, learn, and understand the new things we encounter every day. The problem is

that the only way the child could truly understand how the paper worked is to make it bigger,

to open it up and accept the possibility that it is much larger than he initially thought. Had the

child done that he would also have been able to play with the folds, opening them up to show

certain things and closing them to conceal things, very similar to a cootie catcher. To

understand implicate order we must first retire the idea that we need to break down problems

in order to better understand them. That in doing so we may be depriving ourselves the ability

to see the greater whole and the very connectedness that makes up the whole. It’s through

these higher observations that we can finally recognize its smaller parts as they truly are -

integral parts of the whole .

Next I have another vision. One that also aids me in my understanding of the implicate

and explicate order. Being a creative mind, it is admittedly kind of hard to express the inner

visions of my brain in a way that others understand. So, I decided to draw a picture, and I hope

you will bear with me here. You can see I started with this idea from the Wikipedia page.
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Specifically that the implicate order in this depiction is the literal ground from with the reality of

our memories are able to emerge. The dots are all of the particles that make up, well,

technically everything, (I don’t necessarily understand subatomic particles and have limited

knowledge of physics in general) but in this case they represent an individual’s memories. You

see, as humans we don’t remember everything all at once. You cannot relive all of your

memories in one moment. The ones that aren’t in the forefront of our brain are thought of, by

me anyways, as being stored in a file cabinet in the back of your brain with a little brain

assistant running back and pulling memory files to bring to the front for conscious recognition

when we attempt to recall and event. What if they were stored on a deeper level though? If

everything is truly connected then there likely isn’t just individual filing cabinets for our

thoughts but filing cabinets for us, for all thoughts in general. If this is the case where do they

go? Since we don’t outwardly see them physically stored in front of us they must be located

‘underground’ so to speak. Still perhaps with little imaginary file cabinet ladies bringing things in

and out of the folds of the ground, the folds of our reality and into the forefront, into our

perspective. Into what we experience. My picture describes this enfolding and unfolding motion

like a geyser shooting through two trap swings doors into the ground. The water, or particles go

up through the ground out of a reality we cannot see and into our physical environment. Just

like memories come and go the particles flow up, and then back down into the ground and the

doors shut. The process in my mind is very similar to what happens when we breathe.

The paper accordion, the cootie catcher, the file cabinet lady and the geyser are all

different adaptations of the same idea. The idea of motion between one reality and another.

One that we can see, one that remains hidden and those that flow in between. Both are
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connected with one being a part of a larger whole. Both could not be understood by being

broken apart.

Journal 3

Week Ending 6/1

Lately I am trying to think of the ways in which my thought process currently tries to

fragment my own reality because I believe that such a practice undermines my understanding

of the whole. I try to look inward and take a mirror up to my current mental models regarding

difficult issues in my life. One current issue is with my boyfriend, a subject I have briefly

touched on. We are in a tough spot. During the beginning of our relationship we were both very

wild. He recently has decided that his wildness was a byproduct of substance abuse. I on the

other hand view my wildness as a spirit and a way of life unrelated to drugs and alcohol. It has
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been increasingly hard for him to understand this as a truth outside of himself as he moves

through his own journey. Because of this I feel like he no longer sees me as a person. I have

been in this situation for a few months now. It causes me great physical and emotional

exhaustion which is exacerbated by the fact that we are currently living 1,200 miles apart for

the first time in 4 years. After reading and watching the required and supplemental learning

material last week I felt as though I had a good understanding of fragmentation, the implicate

and explicate order and the idea of wholeness however my understanding is being put into

question this week as I attempt to apply these concepts to my current situation. I find it difficult

to not to partake in fragmentation as a means of navigating through these personal issues. The

description I gave you of my current situation is just a part of the whole. Part of me gets

overwhelmed trying to come up with an answer for the totality of our relationship. I inherently

do want to break it apart because I was taught that doing so would make the task of

understanding it easier.

Currently I am in the middle of reading the forward in Bohm’s On Dialogue. This week is

a short one and I am okay with that because it gives me a bit of time to meditate on the

subjects. I will check back next week.

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Journal 4

Week Ending 6/6

Could it be important to disrupt all of our bodies reflexes? I thought of this while I was

signing in to my ASU canvas page because it makes you accept a secondary form of

authentication through a push message on an app. Personally, I have a LOT of apps on my

phone, organized by categorized folders. My DUO app is the first app on the second page of the

third folder within my main home screen. What I am saying is that it’s crazy that I am able to

find it so fast, and find it without even thinking about it. It’s a reflex. I have done it so many

times that I no longer need to be consciously thinking about the process in order to do it. Bohm

suggests that one of the main ways that we can navigate incoherence is through attention and

awareness. I wonder what I could learn by attempting to break some of those mundane

reflexes.

This week I also had an interesting conversation with my boss. He read a book called

Sapiens and has adopted this idea that society might be beginning to collapse. He believes that

humans were meant to get back to their roots, the way were were ‘designed’ to be. I thought

that we were on the same page so I introduced the idea of quantum physics, the implicate and

explicate whole and the idea that such understanding is the ‘answer’ the big questions of the

universe. I found it rather hard to suspend my thoughts and feelings in this conversation when
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he countered and told me that maybe I should focus less on finding the answers and more on

living my life. I wanted to explain that this understanding is key in my book to achieving inner

harmony, because without this understanding and without transforming the way we think we

will continue to be blindsided by all that keeps us from achieving a sense of inner harmony. I

did suspend this thought, which I am very proud of, and listened intently to what he had to say.

I am beginning to love the idea of suspending thoughts. I find it important because I want to

learn new things, I don’t simply want to project ideas I currently know. I do think that maybe

what he is saying actually ties in to the thoughts I suspended. It makes me question why I so

readily just adopted the ideas presented in this class as fact (sorry prof). I am also imploring his

idea that the answer is to simply live your life to the fullest. My current way of thinking is

heavily reliant on and end goal being a sense of wholeness in our communities. I feel as though

it is a righteous thought because I am convincing myself that I care about humanity outside of

myself. I feel like at this point I should bring into question my own thoughts and my own

feelings because I believe that I continually bring these ideas into the system and then claim

that I am looking at them objectively from outside of the system. Unraveling that train of

thought seems impossible today so I will check back next week.

Journal 5
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Week Ending 6/11

Today I think it is less about trying to conquer these ideas and more about being aware of

them. I think that it is potentially possible to achieve these things and that the answer, if there

is one is not rooted in conquering but rather in awareness. I know this has been presented to

me in previous weeks but I thought awareness was an absolute answer. I am realizing there

may not be an absolute answer, and if I try to make one, which I so badly want to, I will just be

slipping further into the system. It seems like a catch 22: do these things for they bring

enlightenment but also understand that there is no true enlightenment. I am trying to grow

comfortable in the feelings that accompany that statement ( Don’t worry I am also fully able to

understand that those feelings are just programmed past memories coming to surface).

Last week I talked about trying to break up my daily habits to see how it affects my thought

process. I think that the true results from this test will unfortunately present themselves long

after this class has ended but I will continue to share what little I have begun to find here. Firstly

I noticed how hard it is to be present enough to remember to break these habits. I keep an app

on my phone called Errands, it’s really just categorized checklists. I write down all of my habits

that I can think of. Here is my list so far:

- I drive a Mazda that has a turn dial which is used to make selections on my home

screen. It is brand new car so there are a lot of options on my screen. When listening to

music I have a sense of muscle memory that is able to very quickly turn the dial six

spaces to land on the “playing next” option.

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o I do it without thinking and if you would have asked me previously how many

clicks it takes to get to that selection I would not have been able to tell you how

many, just that I can do it without thinking about it.

o It takes 6 clicks to get to that selection. I started trying to be more conscious of

this effort by counting out the clicks and brining attention to the fact that I am

turning the dial in an attempt to change the song. That too begins to become its

own reflex, its own pattern. The mind is a very tricky thing and it feels as if it is

intentionally trying to work against me, as if it’s upset that I am trying to break

these habits and is attempting to substitute those lost with new ones formed

through the very habit of breaking the previous ones.

 Because of this I try to switch it up. I also remain aware of what I am

trying to do by telling myself “ I want to change the song choice so I need

to move the dial”

- Consciously finding and opening apps on my phone

- Listen to your surroundings and take note: what sounds do I currently hear and where

are they coming from?

- When I eat what flavors do I taste, what is the texture like?

I have also begun trying to implore the paradoxes of my own mind this week. I know there is a

large paradox in the way I perceive myself (similarly to the flattery example in chapter 4) and in

my relationship and its current struggles. This is where I get hung up in my learning. I find it

extremely easy to identify concepts within the things that are seemingly happening ‘outside of
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me’ or ‘around me’. I have had an internal struggle over some of my relationship problems for

some time now but I can’t seem to put concentrated effort into unraveling that mess with my

newfound learnings. I am having trouble being self-aware. I know that the crisis is not really

stemming from a certain event that caused it but is instead created in the thought which is

making it. My instinct is to want to send a little diver into the file cabinet in my brain to source

and find the thought that is causing me so much pain. I know that I cannot do that. The diver is

trying to find a solution to the problem when he is the problem. But how do I stop him from

continuing this process? And if thought really is collective and its originated in culture why do

these relationship problems seems so individualized? Why can’t I relate them to society in

some way? Why does such a collective process make me feel the exact opposite, make me feel

alone. Why would thought want to feel this way? If a key to navigating the system is to

question whether our thought is our own individual thought, then is the answer in society? I

want to adopt a sustained effort, every day, to be aware of these processes. Not in an attempt

to solve my ‘problems’ not to control this process but to have a greater sense of understanding.

I want it badly and I am working very hard every day. I don’t see a finish line, I simply have a

lifelong commitment to the never ending pursuit of awareness.

How can we have thought, which is something collective, something that pervades us all

– how can we have a pool of shared knowledge that has been developing for centuries – and

yet such a divide in the way we assign meaning in the world? If thought truly is a collective

activity then is it our personal experiences giving way to assumptions that creates a false sense

of individuality? Aren’t those very experiences shared with the collective as well, in which case

shouldn’t we still be able to have a general shared meaning? The idea that we don’t presents
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itself to me in a way that gives thought individuality and I am having trouble separating it.

Wouldn’t thought have to have some sort of individuality in order for people to be able to sit

next to each other with different meanings to the same things.

These journals are ‘difficult’ to me because I have so many thoughts about them. I get

random questions that pop up into my head throughout my days in this class. I am going to

start writing them down and listing them out for my last few journals.

I feel my journal entries now are worlds away from those I wrote in the beginning of the

class, I have not went back to look at them but I will do so in the last week and I must say I am

excited to see the growth.

Journal 6

Week Ending 6/16

Hello and welcome to my ‘journal from the sky’. I am currently en route to Cedar Rapids,

Iowa from Phoenix and I felt like this was an opportune time to journal. I felt this way for a few

reasons. One is because flying gives me extreme anxiety (not because I am worried about

crashing, I could care less on that front) and it’s one of those experiences that feel surreal. I

have seen Tik Toks that mention something along the lines of “I know nothing is real because

how are there 32 other people who want to go from Phoenix to Cedar Rapids Iowa on a random

Wednesday afternoon”. While the experience doesn’t make me question whether or not I’m in

a matrix it does bring up an interesting opportunity for dialogue.

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Let me touch on the anxiety subject first. Again, I am not worried about the plane

crashing but I do loathe flying with a burning passion. I thought I would go into detail about why

I feel that way but I’m not sure it matters and I think that is because I accidentally began

suspending those feelings before I meant to. I wanted to let them run wild while I journaled

about them, then make a conscious effort to suspend them so I might be able to document the

‘switch’. Normally when I fly I try as hard as I can to sleep the entire time to get it over with, it

took A LOT for me to get my computer out to write this but I am happy I did. You see there’s

really nothing for me to be anxious about. Sometimes I feel bored or trapped and unsure what

to do with myself. When you take that idea and you look at it, it becomes rather silly doesn’t it?

Especially since I am one of those people who brings a whole slew of electronic devices to keep

myself entertained. I have my computer, my headphones, my phone, my Nintendo switch, two

movies downloaded and am fully stocked up on Candy Crush lives. I think that it’s interesting to

watch this process happen. Lately it seems to be happening without me realizing it.

I feel as though I am walking through this world with a particular sense of curiosity that I

did not have before. I do not need to find an answer but I am happy to ask questions, to

explore, to wonder. Please do not misunderstand me, my awareness is still very much a work in

progress but I feel rather calm in my path towards more awareness. I used to have a goal. I

wanted to switch up my habits to see what I could find. I questioned whether this class and

these ideas were ‘the key to the universe’ so to speak. This week I am not worried about the

answers to those questions, I am just happy that I asked them. I still find it difficult to suspend

in the moments when I admittedly need to the most, like during the turbulent times in my

relationship. You know what I mean, sitting on the couch crying into the popcorn bowl asking
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myself what I did to deserve to be in this space. Well, I put myself there and I know that I don’t

necessarily have to be there, but somehow I am able to recognize that, and tell myself that,

while continuing to cause myself pain. It’s rather interesting how pain can sometimes be

comforting. How I tell myself “this is the only way”. So that is one thing that has been difficult

for me. It reminds me of when Bohme was talking to that guy in On Dialogue about aggression

and supression that comes from telling yourself “I shouldn’t be angry”. It’s basically what I tell

myself “I should suspend this thought”, yet I don’t. But I do get good feelings from simply

acknowledging that I should be doing that, which I think is a dangerous reflex to adopt because

it makes me think I am making progress, when again, I am only causing myself more pain.

Off topic but lately I have been also thinking about ego, passion and fantasy lately. I

recently read a book called Ego Is The Enemy and there were a lot of points that stuck out to

me that I wanted to be more aware of in my everyday life. I have been doing fairly well limiting

my outward displays of ego (i.e I stopped posting so much on my snapchat story) but when it

comes to conquering the ego inside my brain, I struggle. I can admit to myself that some of my

fantasies are ridiculous, and I have some amount of shame for even thinking them but they are

addicting, they make me feel so good, I could live in them and bathe in them. I wonder why

these are so hard for me, because admittedly, it was extremely hard to be in a space of self-pity

and I brought myself out of it. It was really hard to call up my feelings and suspend them, but I

think I did an okay job. I am not doing an okay job of being aware of my Ego. It sneaks up on me

and suddenly (yesterday) I am sitting in my house with a fake tan, fake nails, eyelash

extensions, and a new swimsuit. But it’s not only that. When I walk around the grocery store I

think I am the most important person who has ever entered that Walmart. I think that
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everyone is secretly looking at me and I think they all love what they see. I can easily tell you

who I want to be in this life. What titles and accolades I want to achieve but if you asked me to

do an assignment about what I want to DO with my life, the page would still be blank. So lately

I’m wondering and I’m thinking that I might need to stop trying to separate ego from thought. I

think ego is thought. Ego is a product of thought as a system. Ego is giving my reflexes a name.

It’s very hard to prioritize awareness over correction. My initial thought is that I could cure my

ego by vowing never to wear makeup or use social media again. But I know something else

would come and replace it, like trying to un-pollute the water downstream.

Journal 7

Week Ending 6/23

This week I re-read through my previous journals and wanted to touch back on some

topics I feel I have gained some insight into since they were originally written.

The first idea I wanted to circle back to was one that came from my first weeks journal

entry. I said that I served a purpose greater than myself when it came to my art making. That

purpose was to bring for the jewels hidden inside me. For starters, I don’t think these ideas hide

inside of me. I think they are a part of the implicate whole of things and simply are asking me to

be the medium in which they might be able to use to unfold into this reality. Think of it this

way: many artists will tell you about 2 phenomenon’s. The first is one in which we feel
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compelled to bring forth these jewels – some type of artistic expression – out of us and into the

world around us. The second is a scenario in which an artist brings forth one of these jewels

only to be told by others that they had stolen their idea. Now I would like to give a little more

context here. I think the idea that these jewels are part of our individual experience - that they

belong to us and are hidden from us until we are able to uncover them and give them life – is

outdated. Rather than living and hiding inside of us they are simply part of the whole, they do

not belong to us. I believe that these ideas would like to be brought into the explicate order we

experience and I think they might do this in a unique way. Imagine these invisible ideas floating

all around us. They reveal themselves at times, suddenly, like a lightbulb being lit up, the idea

pops into our brain. It seems to come to us out of nowhere. The fact that it seems to appear

out of thin air is why I think we so easily conclude that it must have been hidden inside of us all

along, patiently waiting to be uncovered. What might really be happening is that the idea

simply unfolded from the whole into our reality. When the idea reveals itself it is politely asking

us if it could move through us so that it might find solid ground in the explicate world we

experience. I believe we have an option here. We can agree to be the medium, we can agree to

let this thought flow through us out into the collective whole, or we can ignore it. I think that

something unique happens when we chose to ignore it, when we say “No” to being the

medium. I think that idea then leaves us and flows elsewhere in an attempt to be brought out

into the world, jumping from mind to mind until someone agrees to be its medium. I remember

the author of Eat Pray Love saying that after she had written the book she got a flood of

messages from readers telling her that she had written their story, that she had stolen their
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idea. In reality I think that those people simply chose not to be the medium for that idea to

become reality but she did.

I think that thought can be collective this way however it raises a lot of questions in my

brain. It feels as if this is a good example of the unfolding and enfolding of reality. It’s as if

sometimes things happen that allow the implicate order to be presented to us. It seems subtle,

as if by accident we become more aware, for a moment. Why does the implicate order want to

hide itself? And when it is shown, why does it happen in such subtle ways, in ways that could be

explained away by literal thought? What is the whole? Are their realities outside of our own,

different timelines where dogs keep humans as pets? It feels as if the whole could be anything,

so why this and why does it present itself in ways that we can seemingly understand and

rationalize?

The next topic is just in response to feeling quite overwhelmed at times. I still get

overwhelmed with a lot of these concepts but I have been beginning to find a calmness in the

chaos. It comes from knowing that it’s okay to be overwhelmed, and from suspending the idea

that I have to find answers. I am simply committed to the journey, to the lifelong pursuit of

coherence. There cannot be an end goal.

In week two I gave some context into my relationship. I was looking for my learnings in

this class to provide me guidance and answers to problems I experienced. I no longer think I

need answers but inquiry. The idea that I need to be in this environment – away from my

hometown – in order to explore who Kati is outside of her small town conditioning, is beginning

to reveal itself as a construct of my thought process rather than a fact. A few weeks ago that

would have made me feel lost, like I needed to then adopt the idea that it is not fact, as a fact
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itself, essentially leaving me with a blank slate all over again. I am choosing not to adopt this

idea as fact but to rather suspend it, to question it and to explore it. Whether I chose to stay

here or return to Iowa seems rather unimportant. Interestingly enough simply being away that

my thought is a system and that is creating reflexes and patterns that continue to hurt me helps

to cure the problems itself. It doesn’t remove them, I am not trying to solve them. Most of

them simply become less of a problem. It’s a weird feeling to explain.

I talked so much about finding answers and solutions and I feel so more at peace

knowing that doing so is unnecessary and most likely counterproductive. Having an answer

would leave one to believe that there is some type of knowledge or understanding that will

break us out of the system. That once we have it, it is ours and we no longer need to chase it,

that it will be with us always from that day forward. This isn’t the case and if I were to continue

with this way of thinking I would imagine that I would spend my whole life trying to search for

coherence when really all I need to do is be aware of the incoherence. Beauty, order and

harmony are found in the commitment, in the awareness, and in a sense I already have them.

The question is whether or not I can maintain them. It’s not about mastering the act of

harmony, if you do that you will never truly have it, but in practicing it and being aware of it,

you have it.

It feels surreal to be ending this journal (for class purposes anyway, I will continue it

myself). I have genuinely learned so much and am grateful to have been given this opportunity

for it has sparked an astounding amount of self interest in the concepts laid before me. I have

an overwhelming feeling that I need to explore them further and I am excited to do so. I have
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been waiting to share these with you for some time now and am excitedly awaiting your

comments. From the bottom of my heart thank you for presenting this class to me.

- Kati