2 50 Covert Emotional Manipulation Tactics Used in Relationships@Coursesatsale

Dark Psychology,
Gaslighting and
Manipulation: 50
Covert Emotional
Manipulation Tactics
100 FORBIDDEN TECHNIQUES OF MIND
CONTROL
BOOK TWO
MACHIAVELLI MONEY MANAGER

AUTHOR OF @DARKMACHIAVELLI
Chapter 1
Introduction
W
elcome to "Dark Psychology and Gaslighting
Manipulation: 50 Covert Emotional Manipulation
Tactics." This book delves into the depths of
human psychology, exploring the often unsettling world
of emotional manipulation within the context of intimate rela‐
tionships. By shining a light on the dark techniques employed
by manipulators, we aim to empower individuals with the
knowledge and understanding needed to navigate and protect
themselves from these harmful dynamics.
E MOTIONAL MANIPULATION IS a powerful tool that some

individuals employ to control, dominate, and exploit their
partners in relationships. It encompasses a range of tactics
designed to erode a person's self-esteem, independence, and
decision-making abilities. In this book, we uncover 50
emotional manipulation tactics, revealing their covert nature
and the detrimental impact they can have on individuals and
relationships.
1
MACHIAVELLI MONEY MANAGER AUTHOR OF @DARKMA…
• • •
E ACH TACTIC DISCUSSED within these pages is accompanied by

detailed analysis, real-life examples, and psychological
insights. By exploring these tactics, readers gain a profound
understanding of how manipulation operates in relationships,
allowing them to recognize the red !ags, break free from toxic
patterns, and establish healthy boundaries.
W HILE THE SUBJECT matter may be unsettling, it is crucial to face

the realities of emotional manipulation head-on. This book
serves as a guide, equipping readers with the tools to protect
themselves and foster healthier, more ful"lling relationships.
By identifying and countering emotional manipulation, indi‐
viduals can reclaim their agency and build connections based
on trust, mutual respect, and genuine emotional reciprocity.
I T IS important to note that this book neither promotes nor

endorses manipulation tactics. Rather, it serves as an educa‐
tional resource, shedding light on the darker aspects of human
behavior in order to empower readers. By arming themselves
with knowledge, readers can actively engage in self-re!ection,
enhance their emotional intelligence, and develop strategies to
navigate the complex landscape of relationships with greater
awareness.
A S WE EMBARK on this transformative journey together, let us

unravel the intricate web of dark psychology and manipulation
in relationships. By understanding these manipulation tactics,
we can create a future where healthy, balanced relationships
2
DARK PSYCHOLOGY, GASLIGHTING AND MANIPULATION:…
!ourish, free from the shadowy in!uence of emotional manip‐

ulation.
A RE you prepared to uncover the secrets of emotional

manipulation and forge a path toward healthier relationships?
Join us as we delve into the world of dark psychology and
empower ourselves with knowledge and resilience. Let this
journey of discovery begin.
3
Part One
Emotional
Manipulation
Chapter 1
Tactic #1 Gaslighting
G
aslighting is a sinister form of psychological
manipulation that occurs in relationships,
aiming to create doubt and confusion in the
victim's mind. The purpose of gaslighting is to undermine the
victim's con!dence and make them question their reality,
memories, or perceptions. This insidious tactic can cause the
victim to become reliant on the manipulator for validation and
a sense of reality.
T HE PROCESS of gaslighting can be subtle, covert, or systematic,

chipping away at the victim's self-con!dence and faith in their
own instincts over time. Manipulators employ various tactics
like lying, denying, or misrepresenting facts or events,
fostering uncertainty and chaos in the victim's mind. This
confusion allows the manipulator to seize power and
control over the victim, who starts to depend on them for
clarity and reassurance.
• • •
7
C OMMON GASLIGHTING TECHNIQUES encompass trivializing the

victim's emotions, accusing them of overreacting, and !at-out
denying events or conversations that transpired. Manipulators
may also present contradictory information to make the victim
question their memory or sanity. As gaslighting continues,
victims experience helplessness, isolation, and self-doubt.
T HE REPERCUSSIONS of gaslighting can be severe, causing lasting

psychological harm. Victims may develop anxiety, depression,
or even post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) due to manipu‐
lation. In some instances, victims may even adopt the manipu‐
lator's warped version of reality.
L ET ' S consider these examples of gaslighting in different

kinds of relationships:
• Anna and Mike have been together for a year. Recently,
Mike has become increasingly jealous and has begun ques‐
tioning Anna about her interactions with other people, espe‐
cially her male friends. One day, Anna receives a text message
from an old friend, and Mike sees the noti#cation. When Anna
returns to her phone, she #nds that the message has been
deleted.
W HEN SHE CONFRONTS Mike about deleting the message, he

denies doing it and claims that she must be imagining things.
He goes on to accuse her of being forgetful and questions
whether she's even capable of remembering what happened
accurately. As this behavior continues, Mike starts to plant
seeds of doubt in Anna's mind about her own memory and
perceptions.
8
• • •
O VER TIME , Anna begins to believe that she might be

misremembering things and starts to rely on Mike's version of
events instead of trusting her own memories. As her self-con!‐
dence erodes, she becomes more dependent on Mike for
emotional support and reassurance, allowing him to manipu‐
late and control her further. Anna's friends and family notice
her growing isolation and unhappiness but feel powerless to
help her break free from the toxic relationship.
• L ILY AND S ARAH SHARE AN APARTMENT , and Lily has been

noticing that her personal belongings have gone missing or
been moved without her knowledge. One day, she !nds her
favorite necklace missing from her jewelry box. When she asks
Sarah if she's seen it or borrowed it, Sarah denies any knowl‐
edge of the necklace and suggests that Lily must have
misplaced it herself.
D ESPITE HER CERTAINTY that the necklace was in the jewelry box,
Lily starts to doubt her memory as Sarah continues to insist
she knows nothing about it. Sarah even goes as far as to
suggest that Lily has been forgetful and disorganized lately.
Over time, Lily notices other items disappearing or being
moved and questions Sarah about it, but Sarah always denies
any involvement, further undermining Lily's con!dence in her
own memory and perceptions.
A S THE GASLIGHTING CONTINUES , Lily becomes increasingly

uncertain about the reality of the situation and starts to rely on
9
Sarah's version of events. This manipulation tactic allows

Sarah to maintain control over Lily and avoid any responsi‐
bility for her actions, while Lily's self-doubt and confusion
grow, making her feel increasingly helpless and vulnerable.
• M ARK and his friends often hang out at their favorite cafe.
Recently, Mark has noticed that his friend, Steve, has been
making passive-aggressive comments about him in front of
their other friends. When Mark confronts Steve about these
comments, Steve denies making them and accuses Mark of
being overly sensitive or misinterpreting his words.
O VER TIME , Steve continues to make these comments and then

denies them when confronted, leading Mark to question his
own perception of the situation. Steve even goes as far as to
suggest that Mark has been acting paranoid lately. As Mark's
self-doubt increases, he becomes more reluctant to share his
thoughts or confront Steve about his behavior.
T HE GASLIGHTING IMPACTS Mark's self-con"dence and his

relationships with his friends, as he starts to question whether
they also believe he's overly sensitive or paranoid. This manip‐
ulation tactic allows Steve to avoid taking responsibility for his
actions while undermining Mark's con"dence in his own
perceptions, leaving him feeling isolated and disempowered
within his social circle.
E XAMPLES OF THINGS people using gaslighting would say:

• • •
10
1 "O H , you're always making things up in your head."

2 "You've got a wild imagination, haven't you?"
3 "Relax, you're just too emotional right now."
4 "Why do you always turn everything into a drama?"
5 "You're not remembering things correctly, trust me."
11
Chapter 2
Tactic #2 Love
Bombing
L
ove bombing is a manipulative technique often used at
the beginning of romantic relationships, where the
perpetrator overwhelms the target with excessive
affection, attention, and compliments. The primary goal of
love bombing is to create a sense of emotional dependency and
to establish control over the target's thoughts and actions.
I NITIALLY , love bombing can seem incredibly positive and

uplifting. The manipulator appears to be deeply caring, atten‐
tive, and supportive, showering the target with adoration and
making them feel cherished. This creates a strong emotional
bond that the manipulator can use to further their agenda and
gain control over the target.
H OWEVER , the seemingly positive behavior can quickly turn

toxic, as the manipulator becomes overly possessive and
controlling. They may insist on spending excessive amounts of
12
time together, demand constant communication, or exhibit

jealousy when the target interacts with others. By dominating
the target's life, the manipulator isolates them from their
support system, making them more susceptible to manip‐
ulation.
A S THE RELATIONSHIP EVOLVES , the manipulator often uses their

affection as a tool to control the target, withholding love and
attention as a means of punishment for perceived disobedi‐
ence or disloyalty. This can create a destructive cycle of
emotional abuse, leaving the target desperate to regain the
love and approval they once enjoyed.
R ECOGNIZING love bombing can be challenging, as the

manipulator's actions can seem genuinely caring and well-
intentioned at "rst. However, it is crucial to pay attention to
potential warning signs and trust one's instincts when a rela‐
tionship starts to feel overwhelming or manipulative. Estab‐
lishing and maintaining healthy boundaries, as well as keeping
a strong support network, can help protect against the
damaging effects of love bombing and other controlling
tactics.
I N ORDER TO guard against love bombing, it's essential to be

aware of the speed at which the relationship progresses. If a
person's actions seem too good to be true or if the intensity of
their affection feels disproportionate to the time you've known
them, it may be a red #ag. Additionally, monitoring your own
feelings of dependency and isolation can help you identify
when a relationship is becoming unhealthy.
13
• • •
I N CONCLUSION , love bombing is a deceptive and manipulative

tactic that can have serious consequences for the target's
emotional well-being. By being aware of the signs, trusting
your instincts, and maintaining a strong support network, you
can protect yourself from falling victim to love bombing and
ensure that your relationships remain healthy and balanced.
H ERE ARE some examples of love-bombing in different kinds

of relationships:
• L UCY STARTS a new job and meets her coworker, Olivia. Olivia
immediately takes a keen interest in Lucy, inviting her to social
events, constantly messaging her, and offering her support and
advice. Lucy feels welcomed and appreciated, quickly forming
a close bond with Olivia.
H OWEVER , as their friendship deepens, Olivia becomes more

possessive and controlling. She expects Lucy to always be
available for her and becomes upset when Lucy wants to spend
time with other coworkers or friends outside of work. Olivia
even begins to criticize Lucy's other friends, suggesting that
they don't really care about her as much as Olivia does.
A S L UCY BECOMES MORE EMOTIONALLY dependent on Olivia, she

starts to feel isolated from her other friends and support
networks. Olivia uses her affection and attention as a means of
control, rewarding Lucy when she follows her wishes and
14
withdrawing her support when Lucy tries to assert her inde‐

pendence.
G RADUALLY , the love bombing evolves into a cycle of emotional

manipulation, with Lucy constantly striving to regain the
approval and affection that Olivia initially provided. Unbe‐
knownst to Lucy, she has become ensnared in a manipulative
friendship that has severely impacted her self-esteem and
sense of self-worth.
• C AMERON STARTS a new job and is assigned to work under a

manager named Leslie. From day one, Leslie is highly compli‐
mentary of Cameron's work, praising their skills and offering
unwavering support. Leslie even suggests that Cameron is
destined for a leadership role within the company.
A S TIME GOES ON , Leslie begins to use this support as a means of

control. They expect Cameron to work long hours, take on
additional responsibilities, and prioritize their tasks above all
else. If Cameron fails to meet these expectations, Leslie
becomes distant and critical, withholding the praise and
encouragement they once freely gave.
F EELING EMOTIONALLY dependent on Leslie's approval, Cameron

becomes increasingly stressed and overworked, striving to
regain the positive reinforcement they once enjoyed. They
begin to doubt their own capabilities and decisions, relying
heavily on Leslie's guidance and direction.
• • •
15
A S THE CYCLE of love bombing and manipulation continues,

Cameron becomes more susceptible to Leslie's control and
!nds it dif!cult to assert their own professional boundaries. In
this toxic work environment, Cameron's self-esteem and
career satisfaction suffer, making it challenging for them to
recognize and escape the manipulative tactics employed by
their manager.
• S OPHIA JOINS A DATING app and quickly matches with Alex,

who seems charming and attentive. Almost immediately, Alex
showers Sophia with compliments, professing their deep
connection and desire to be together. They exchange messages
nonstop and talk about their future together, despite having
never met in person.
A S THEIR VIRTUAL RELATIONSHIP GROWS , Alex becomes increasingly

possessive and demanding. They expect Sophia to be available
for video calls at all hours and to respond to their messages
immediately. Alex gets upset if Sophia doesn't comply,
accusing her of not being committed to the relationship.
S OPHIA STARTS to feel overwhelmed and emotionally drained,

but she's reluctant to end the relationship due to the intense
affection and attention she received at the beginning. Alex
continues to manipulate Sophia by withholding affection and
using guilt to maintain control over her actions and emotions.
O VER TIME , the love bombing devolves into a cycle of emotional

abuse, with Sophia constantly striving to regain the approval
16
and affection she once received from Alex. Trapped in a toxic

online relationship, Sophia struggles to recognize the manipu‐
lative tactics that have undermined her self-esteem and
emotional well-being.
E XAMPLES OF THINGS people using love bombing would say:
1 "Y OU ' RE the only one who truly understands me. I need you."
2 "I've never loved anyone as much as I love you. You're my
everything."
3 "Without you, I'm nothing. You complete me."
4 "I feel like we were made for each other. It's us against
the world."
5 "I can't imagine a future without you in it. Let's be
together forever."
17
Chapter 3
Tactic #3 Guilt-
Tripping
G
uilt-tripping is a psychological manipulation tactic
commonly employed in interpersonal relation‐
ships, wherein one party seeks to control or in"u‐
ence the other party's behavior by eliciting feelings of guilt or
shame. This tactic can manifest in various ways, including
emotional blackmail, passive-aggressive comments, and veiled
threats. In employing guilt-tripping, the manipulator capital‐
izes on the target's vulnerability, exploiting their emotions to
bend them to their will.
G UILT - TRIPPING operates on the principle that by making the

targeted individual feel responsible for the manipulator's
emotional state or well-being, they can coerce them into
complying with their demands. This can occur in the context
of romantic relationships, friendships, or familial bonds. A
common feature of guilt-tripping is the use of exaggerated or
distorted statements, which are designed to make the target
feel as though they have failed the manipulator in some way.
18
• • •
T HE REASONS for employing guilt-tripping as a manipulation

tactic can vary. Some manipulators may be driven by insecu‐
rity, seeking to exert control over their relationships to alle‐
viate their own feelings of inadequacy. Others may resort to
guilt-tripping due to a lack of effective communication skills,
or as a means to attain personal gain. Regardless of the under‐
lying motivation, guilt-tripping is a harmful and damaging
form of manipulation that undermines trust and can lead to
the erosion of relationships.
T HE EFFECTS of guilt-tripping on the targeted individual can be

severe and long-lasting. It can result in feelings of worthless‐
ness, self-blame, and a sense of indebtedness to the manipula‐
tor. Over time, this can lead to anxiety, depression, and a
diminished sense of self-worth, as the individual becomes
increasingly preoccupied with ful"lling the manipulator's
desires.
T O COUNTERACT GUILT - TRIPPING , it is essential to recognize the

signs of this manipulative behavior. The target should be vigi‐
lant for statements that are designed to induce guilt, such as
those that begin with "You never," "You always," or "If you
really cared about me." Establishing boundaries is also critical;
the targeted individual should communicate clearly that they
will not tolerate guilt-tripping and insist on being treated with
respect.
• • •
19
F URTHERMORE , open and honest communication between both

parties is crucial for fostering healthy relationships. If the
targeted individual suspects that their partner or friend is
engaging in guilt-tripping, they should confront them calmly
and assertively, explaining how their actions are affecting their
emotional well-being. Ideally, this will prompt a productive
dialogue, allowing both parties to explore alternative methods
of con!ict resolution and ultimately strengthen their bond.
E XAMPLES OF GUILT TRIPPING :
• A REAL - LIFE EXAMPLE of guilt-tripping can be observed in a

romantic relationship between two individuals, Alice and Bob.
Alice desires to attend a concert with Bob on a particular week‐
end. However, Bob has already made plans with his friends for
a camping trip during the same time. Alice becomes upset and
instead of openly discussing her disappointment or #nding a
compromise, she resorts to guilt-tripping Bob.
A LICE MIGHT SAY THINGS LIKE , "You always prioritize your friends
over me," or "If you really loved me, you'd cancel your trip and
come to the concert with me." These statements are manipula‐
tive and designed to make Bob feel guilty for his pre-existing
plans. Alice is attempting to make Bob feel responsible for her
emotional well-being and implying that he is failing her as a
partner.
I N RESPONSE to Alice's guilt-tripping, Bob might cancel his trip,

despite looking forward to spending time with his friends. This
20
could lead to resentment on Bob's part and further strain their

relationship. A healthier approach would have been for Alice to
express her disappointment openly and try to !nd a compro‐
mise, such as attending a different concert together or plan‐
ning a separate event for just the two of them.
• I N A DIFFERENT SCENARIO , consider two friends, Emily and

Sarah. Emily has a habit of borrowing money from Sarah, often
without paying her back promptly. Sarah, feeling uncomfort‐
able with this pattern, decides she no longer wants to lend
money to Emily. However, when Emily asks for another loan,
instead of respecting Sarah's decision, she employs guilt-trip‐
ping tactics.
E MILY MIGHT SAY THINGS LIKE , "You know I've been struggling
lately, and I thought I could count on you as a friend," or "I've
always been there for you, and now you won't help me when I
need it the most." These statements are meant to make Sarah
feel guilty for not providing !nancial assistance, implying that
she is not a supportive friend.
I N RESPONSE to Emily's guilt-tripping, Sarah might relent and

lend the money despite her better judgment. This could result
in Sarah feeling taken advantage of and potentially damage
their friendship. A healthier approach would have been for
Emily to respect Sarah's boundaries and !nd alternative solu‐
tions to her !nancial problems, while Sarah could offer
emotional support or help Emily explore other resources.
• • •
21
• I N A DISTINCT SCENARIO , consider a parent-child relationship

between Maria and her teenage son, David. Maria wants David
to pursue a speci!c career path, believing it will lead to !nan‐
cial stability and success. However, David has a passion for a
different !eld and wishes to follow his dreams. Instead of
supporting David's aspirations, Maria resorts to guilt-tripping
in an attempt to sway his decision.
M ARIA MIGHT SAY THINGS LIKE , "I've worked so hard to provide for
you, and now you're throwing away your future," or "Your
father and I sacri!ced so much for you, and this is how you
repay us?" These statements are designed to make David feel
guilty for not aligning with his mother's expectations,
suggesting that he is ungrateful or disrespectful.
I N RESPONSE to Maria's guilt-tripping, David might abandon his

passion and choose the career path his mother desires, despite
it not being what he truly wants. This could lead to resentment
towards Maria and an overall dissatisfaction with his life. A
healthier approach would have been for Maria to listen to
David's aspirations and offer support, guidance, and encour‐
agement, helping him navigate a path that allows him to
pursue his dreams while also considering practical consid‐
erations.
E XAMPLES OF THINGS people using guilt-tripping would say:
1 "I' VE GIVEN you everything and you can't even do this one
thing for me?"
22
2 "I've always been there for you, and now when I need
you, you're not there."
3 "How could you do this to me? Don't you see how much
I'm hurting?"
4 "After all the things I've given up for you, is it too much to
ask for some consideration?"
5 "You're always thinking about yourself. What about what
I want?"
23
Chapter 4
Tactic #4 Playing The

Victim
A
ke's victimization, Sophie might apologize and back
down from the conversation, feeling guilty for
adding to Jake's stress. This allows Jake to avoid
addressing his behavior and taking responsibility for his
actions. A healthier approach would have been for Jake to
acknowledge his tardiness, apologize, and work together with
Sophie to !nd a solution that demonstrates respect and
consideration for each other's time and feelings.
• I N A DIFFERENT SCENARIO , let's consider a work situation

involving two colleagues, Ryan and Emily. Ryan frequently
delegates his tasks to Emily, claiming that he is too busy to
complete them himself. Emily, not wanting to disappoint her
colleague or jeopardize their working relationship, usually
takes on the extra work without complaint. However, the
workload begins to affect her own performance and well-
being, and she decides to address the issue with Ryan.
• • •
24
I NSTEAD OF ACKNOWLEDGING his behavior and its impact on

Emily, Ryan resorts to playing the victim. He might say things
like, "I've been going through a tough time at home, and I
thought you were someone I could rely on," or "I'm just trying
to keep my head above water, and now you're making me feel
like a burden." By doing this, Ryan shifts the focus from his
own actions to his personal problems, making Emily feel guilty
for bringing up the issue.
I N RESPONSE to Ryan's victimization, Emily might apologize and

continue to take on the extra work, feeling guilty for not being
supportive enough. This allows Ryan to avoid addressing his
behavior and taking responsibility for his actions. A healthier
approach would have been for Ryan to recognize the unfair
burden he has been placing on Emily, apologize, and work
together to !nd a more equitable distribution of tasks within
the team.
• I N A DISTINCT SCENARIO , let's consider a parent-child

relationship between Clara and her teenage son, Ethan. Clara
has noticed that Ethan has been staying out past his curfew
and not communicating with her about his whereabouts.
Concerned for his safety, Clara decides to talk to Ethan about
the importance of following the rules and keeping her
informed.
I NSTEAD OF ACKNOWLEDGING his behavior and understanding

Clara's concerns, Ethan plays the victim. He might say things
like, "You don't trust me at all, and now you're treating me like
a child," or "I'm just trying to have a social life like everyone
25
else, but you're suffocating me." By doing this, Ethan shifts the
focus from his actions to his perceived oppression, making
Clara feel guilty for imposing boundaries.
I N RESPONSE to Ethan's victimization, Clara might apologize

and become more lenient, feeling guilty for being too control‐
ling. This allows Ethan to avoid addressing his behavior and
taking responsibility for his actions. A healthier approach
would have been for Ethan to acknowledge the importance of
following the rules and communicating with Clara, apolo‐
gizing for his past actions, and working together to establish
trust and a more suitable curfew.
E XAMPLES OF THINGS people using playing the victim would say:
1 "I CAN ' T CATCH a break, can I?"

2 "Why is life always so unfair to me?"
3 "I'm always the one who has to deal with all the
problems."
4 "It seems like everyone's out to get me."
5 "Why can't I ever have things go my way for once?"
26
Chapter 5
Tactic #5 Emotional
Blackmail
E
motional blackmail is a manipulative tactic employed
by individuals to exert control and in!uence over
others in relationships. It involves the use of fear,
obligation, and guilt to coerce someone into doing something
they may not want to do. Emotional blackmail can occur in
various types of relationships, including romantic partner‐
ships, friendships, family dynamics, and professional settings.
It is often a subtle and insidious form of manipulation that
erodes trust and can lead to emotional distress, resentment,
and disconnection between those involved.
I N EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL , the manipulator exploits the target's

vulnerabilities, insecurities, and emotional bonds to gain
leverage. The process usually involves a pattern of behavior,
where the blackmailer threatens to in!ict emotional pain or
create negative consequences if their demands are not met.
The manipulator might use ultimatums, withdraw affection,
27
or make the target feel guilty for not complying with their
wishes.
T HERE ARE four primary types of emotional blackmail,

characterized by their speci!c tactics:
1 P UNITIVE THREATS
T HE BLACKMAILER THREATENS to punish the target if they do not

comply, such as ending a relationship, withholding support, or
spreading rumors.
2 S ELF - PUNISHING threats
The manipulator threatens to harm themselves if their

demands are not met, creating an intense feeling of guilt and
responsibility in the target.
3 G UILT - TRIPPING
T HE BLACKMAILER MAKES the target feel guilty for not complying

with their wishes, often by emphasizing their sacri!ces, hard‐
ships, or misfortunes.
4 F EAR and obligation

• • •
28
T HE MANIPULATOR EXPLOITS the target's sense of duty or loyalty,

instilling fear of disappointing or betraying them if their
demands are not met.
E MOTIONAL BLACKMAIL CAN HAVE severe consequences on the

mental and emotional well-being of the individuals involved.
The target may experience increased anxiety, stress, and low
self-esteem as they struggle to balance their own needs and
desires with the manipulator's demands. Over time, this can
lead to a loss of autonomy and self-respect, as well as a sense
of isolation and helplessness.
T O ADDRESS EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL , it is essential for the target to

recognize the manipulative tactics and establish boundaries to
protect their own well-being. This might involve assertive
communication, seeking support from trusted friends or
professionals, and exploring strategies to build self-esteem
and resilience. It is crucial to understand that it is not the
target's responsibility to meet the manipulator's unreasonable
demands or sacri!ce their own needs and values for the sake of
the relationship.
E XAMPLES OF EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL :
• L ET ' S consider a real-life example of emotional blackmail in a

romantic relationship between Alice and Ben. Alice has been
offered a fantastic job opportunity in another city, which
would require her to move away from Ben for a few months.
29
Ben, however, does not want her to go and decides to use

emotional blackmail to manipulate her decision.
B EN MIGHT SAY SOMETHING LIKE , "If you really loved me, you
wouldn't even consider taking this job and leaving me behind,"
or "I don't know if I can handle being alone while you're away,
so you'll be responsible if something happens to me." In this
case, Ben is using guilt and fear to coerce Alice into rejecting
the job opportunity. He is making Alice feel responsible for his
emotional well-being, forcing her to choose between her career
and the relationship.
T HIS TYPE of emotional blackmail can have damaging effects on

Alice's mental health and self-esteem, as well as the overall
health of the relationship. A more supportive and healthy
approach would involve open communication, understanding
each other's needs and aspirations, and !nding a solution that
respects both parties' desires.
• L ET ' S consider a different real-life example of emotional

blackmail involving a parent-child relationship. Susan, a single
mother, relies on her adult daughter, Emily, for emotional
support and companionship. Emily has been dating Mark for a
while and is considering moving in with him, which would
mean spending less time with her mother.
W HEN E MILY BRINGS up the idea of moving in with Mark, Susan

immediately resorts to emotional blackmail. Susan might say
something like, "I've sacri!ced everything for you, and now
30
you're just going to abandon me," or "If you move in with him,
I'll be so lonely that I won't be able to cope, and you'll be
responsible for what happens to me." In this case, Susan is
using guilt and fear to manipulate Emily into prioritizing her
needs over her own desires and independence.
T HIS TYPE of emotional blackmail can have negative effects on

Emily's mental health and personal growth, as well as strain
the mother-daughter relationship. A healthier approach would
involve open communication, acknowledging each other's
needs and aspirations, and !nding a solution that respects
both parties' independence and well-being.
• L ET ' S explore a real-life example of emotional blackmail in a

friendship between Tom and Lisa. Tom often invites Lisa to
various social events and parties. However, Lisa sometimes
prefers to spend her evenings alone or with her partner, which
Tom does not appreciate. He decides to use emotional black‐
mail to manipulate her into attending more events with him.
T OM MIGHT SAY SOMETHING LIKE , "I'm always there for you when
you need someone, but when I invite you to events, you always
make up excuses," or "If you don't come to my party, everyone
will think you don't care about our friendship, and it'll be your
fault." In this case, Tom is using guilt and fear to manipulate
Lisa into attending social events, even if it goes against her
personal preferences or needs.
• • •
31
T HIS TYPE of emotional blackmail can negatively impact Lisa's

mental health and the overall health of the friendship. A
healthier approach would involve open communication,
understanding each other's preferences and boundaries, and
respecting the other's choices without resorting to manip‐
ulation.
E XAMPLES OF THINGS people using emotional blackmail

would say:
1 "I THOUGHT you cared about me. I guess I was wrong."

2 "So you're just going to abandon me like everyone else?"
3 "You're the only one I have. If you leave, I'll be all alone."
4 "I can't handle this on my own. I need you."
5 "If you cared about me at all, you wouldn't let me go
through this alone."
32
Chapter 6
Tactic #6 Sudden
Mood Swings
S
udden mood swings as a manipulation tactic in
relationships refer to the abrupt and unpredictable
changes in a person's emotional state, which they use
to control or in!uence their partner's behavior. This tactic can
be employed consciously or unconsciously by an individual to
create an atmosphere of uncertainty and instability within the
relationship, making their partner feel off-balance and more
susceptible to manipulation.
S UDDEN MOOD SWINGS may manifest in various ways, such as

sudden outbursts of anger, unpredictable bouts of sadness, or
abrupt withdrawal of affection. The purpose of these mood
swings is often to elicit speci"c reactions or behaviors from
their partner, such as compliance, reassurance, or submission.
This manipulation tactic can be particularly effective because
it preys on the target's innate desire to maintain harmony and
stability in the relationship.
• • •
33
A PERSON EMPLOYING sudden mood swings as a manipulation

tactic might use these emotional shifts to keep their partner
guessing, forcing them to walk on eggshells to avoid triggering
an emotional outburst. This behavior can create an imbalance
of power in the relationship, with the manipulator gaining
control over their partner's actions and emotional state.
T HE EFFECTS of sudden mood swings as a manipulation tactic

can be detrimental to both individuals involved in the relation‐
ship. The target of the manipulation may experience emotional
exhaustion, confusion, and self-doubt as they try to navigate
the unpredictable emotional landscape created by their part‐
ner. In the long term, this can lead to the erosion of trust,
communication, and intimacy within the relationship.
E XAMPLES OF SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS :
• L ET ' S consider a real-life example of sudden mood swings as

a manipulation tactic in a romantic relationship between
Sarah and Mark. Sarah is prone to sudden emotional outbursts
and frequently changes her mood without any apparent
reason. These mood swings leave Mark feeling confused and
apprehensive about how to respond.
F OR INSTANCE , Sarah might be laughing and enjoying a

conversation one moment, and then suddenly become angry
and accusatory, blaming Mark for a trivial issue. Mark,
wanting to maintain harmony in the relationship, quickly
apologizes and tries to appease Sarah. This unpredictable
34
pattern of behavior keeps Mark on edge, as he never knows

when Sarah's mood might shift and he will have to manage
another emotional outburst.
S ARAH ' S sudden mood swings manipulate Mark into constantly

trying to please her and avoid confrontation, which ultimately
grants Sarah control over Mark's actions and emotions. The
long-term impact on their relationship can include a lack of
trust, poor communication, and emotional exhaustion for both
parties.
A HEALTHIER APPROACH for Sarah and Mark would involve

recognizing Sarah's mood swings as a manipulation tactic,
addressing the underlying issues, and seeking professional
help if needed. Open communication and setting boundaries
can help them build a more stable and emotionally supportive
relationship.
• I N A DISTINCT REAL - LIFE EXAMPLE , let's examine a professional

relationship between two coworkers, Brian and Olivia. Brian
often displays sudden mood swings, causing Olivia to feel
uncertain about how to interact with him. These erratic
changes in Brian's emotions make Olivia overly cautious,
trying to avoid triggering a negative reaction.
F OR EXAMPLE , during a team meeting, Brian might be actively

participating and engaging with his colleagues one moment,
and then suddenly become cold and dismissive, shutting down
any further discussion. Olivia, not wanting to escalate the situ‐
35
ation, refrains from expressing her thoughts and instead

focuses on pacifying Brian. Brian's unpredictable behavior
manipulates Olivia into constantly adjusting her behavior to
accommodate his emotional state.
B RIAN ' S sudden mood swings grant him control over Olivia's
actions and emotions, ultimately creating an unhealthy power
dynamic within their professional relationship. This manipu‐
lation tactic can lead to poor communication, a lack of trust,
and emotional exhaustion for both Brian and Olivia.
A HEALTHIER APPROACH for Brian and Olivia would involve

recognizing Brian's mood swings as a manipulative behavior,
addressing the underlying issues, and seeking professional
assistance if needed. Open communication and setting bound‐
aries can help them establish a more balanced and emotionally
supportive professional relationship.
• I N AN ALTERNATIVE REAL - LIFE EXAMPLE , let's explore a situation

between two siblings, Lucy and Ethan. Lucy frequently experi‐
ences sudden mood swings, causing Ethan to feel uneasy and
unsure about how to respond. These unexpected shifts in
Lucy's emotions compel Ethan to stay alert, trying to avoid
provoking any adverse reactions from his sister.
F OR INSTANCE , while playing a board game together, Lucy might

be enjoying the friendly competition one moment and then
suddenly become sullen and resentful, accusing Ethan of not
letting her win. Ethan, wanting to maintain a harmonious
36
relationship with his sister, quickly tries to appease Lucy and

adjusts his gameplay. Lucy's unpredictable behavior manipu‐
lates Ethan into constantly modifying his behavior to accom‐
modate her emotional state.
L UCY ' S sudden mood swings enable her to control Ethan's

actions and emotions, creating an unhealthy sibling dynamic
characterized by a lack of trust, poor communication, and
emotional tension for both individuals. A more constructive
approach for Lucy and Ethan would involve recognizing Lucy's
mood swings as a manipulative behavior, addressing the
underlying issues, and seeking professional guidance if
needed. Open communication and setting boundaries can help
them establish a more balanced and emotionally supportive
sibling relationship.
E XAMPLES OF THINGS people using sudden mood swings

would say:
1 "Y OU ' RE MY EVERYTHING !" (followed shortly by) "I don't even
know why I'm with you."
2 "I can't imagine life without you." (followed shortly by)
"Sometimes I wish I were single."
3 "You're the best partner ever." (followed shortly by)
"You're so frustrating."
4 "We're perfect together." (followed shortly by) "Maybe
we're just not right for each other."
5 "I'm so proud of you." (followed shortly by) "You always
let me down."
37
Chapter 7
Tactic #7 Faking
Concern or Empathy
F
aking concern or empathy is a manipulation tactic
used in various types of relationships, including
romantic, familial, professional, and platonic. It
occurs when one person pretends to care about or empathize
with another's feelings or circumstances in order to manipu‐
late their emotions, behavior, or decisions. This tactic can be
particularly insidious, as it exploits the target's trust and
vulnerability, often leading to feelings of betrayal and confu‐
sion when the manipulation is eventually uncovered.
T HE PURPOSE of faking concern or empathy is to achieve a

speci"c outcome or to gain control over the target. It may be
employed as a means to persuade, deceive, or exert dominance.
By feigning understanding and emotional support, the manip‐
ulator can effectively disarm the target, making them more
susceptible to the desired in#uence. In some cases, this tactic
may also serve to bolster the manipulator's image, presenting
38
themselves as caring and compassionate in order to garner

admiration or respect from others.
F AKING concern or empathy can manifest in various ways,

including insincere expressions of sympathy, feigned interest
in the target's life, or offering unhelpful or self-serving advice
under the guise of helpfulness. The manipulator may also use
this tactic to direct the target's attention away from their own
negative behaviors or intentions, creating a smokescreen that
obscures their true motivations.
T HE LONG - TERM CONSEQUENCES of faking concern or empathy in

relationships can be damaging, often leading to a breakdown
in trust, poor communication, and emotional distress for both
parties involved. Additionally, the target may develop feelings
of self-doubt, questioning their ability to accurately judge the
intentions of others. In extreme cases, the target may even
begin to question their own sanity, leading to a phenomenon
known as gaslighting.
E XAMPLES OF FAKING concern or empathy:
• L ET ' S delve into a real-life example of faking concern or

empathy in a romantic relationship between Alex and Sarah.
Sarah has been struggling with her self-esteem, and she
con!des in Alex, seeking support and reassurance. However,
Alex uses this vulnerability as an opportunity to manipulate
Sarah's emotions for personal gain.
• • •
39
F OR INSTANCE , Sarah opens up to Alex about her insecurities,

expressing her concerns about her appearance. In response,
Alex pretends to be understanding and empathetic, assuring
Sarah that she is beautiful and loved. However, behind Sarah's
back, Alex subtly undermines her con!dence, making deroga‐
tory comments about her appearance to erode her self-esteem
further. By faking concern and empathy, Alex maintains
control over Sarah's emotions, ensuring her dependence on his
validation.
T HIS MANIPULATION TACTIC not only damages Sarah's self-esteem

but also establishes a power dynamic within the relationship.
Sarah becomes increasingly reliant on Alex's reassurance,
while Alex gains control over her emotions and decisions. The
long-term consequences can include a deterioration of trust,
increased self-doubt, and emotional turmoil for Sarah.
A HEALTHIER APPROACH in this situation would involve genuine

empathy and support from Alex. By fostering a nurturing and
af!rming environment, Alex could help Sarah build her self-
esteem and overcome her insecurities. True concern and
empathy would involve actively listening, providing sincere
encouragement, and celebrating Sarah's strengths.
• L ET ' S explore another real-life example of faking concern or

empathy, this time in a professional setting between Sarah, a
supervisor, and Mike, her subordinate. Sarah pretends to be
concerned about Mike's well-being in order to manipulate and
control him for her own bene!t.
• • •
40
S ARAH NOTICES that Mike is ambitious and seeks career

advancement. She takes advantage of this by faking concern
for his growth and offering guidance. She presents herself as a
mentor !gure, expressing empathy for his career aspirations
and promising to support his development. However, behind
the facade of concern, Sarah intentionally withholds informa‐
tion and opportunities that could bene!t Mike's career
progression. She manipulates him by giving the impression of
support while subtly hindering his advancement to maintain
her own position of power.
B Y FAKING CONCERN AND EMPATHY , Sarah gains control over

Mike's career trajectory, ensuring his dependence on her guid‐
ance while ensuring her own professional advantage. This
manipulation tactic erodes trust, sti#es Mike's potential, and
creates a toxic work environment where personal growth is
hindered.
A MORE ETHICAL approach would involve genuine concern and

support from Sarah. As a supervisor, she should provide unbi‐
ased guidance, open doors to opportunities, and actively
support Mike's career development. True concern and
empathy would foster a positive working relationship,
empowering Mike to reach his full potential and contribute to
the organization's success.
• L ET ' S explore another real-life example of faking concern or

empathy, this time in a familial relationship between Laura
and her older sister, Emily. Emily pretends to be concerned
41
about Laura's well-being to manipulate her emotions and

maintain control over her.
L AURA OFTEN EXPERIENCES periods of self-doubt and insecurity,

and Emily uses this vulnerability to her advantage. Emily
pretends to be deeply concerned about Laura's mental health,
expressing worry and offering to help. However, behind the
facade of concern, Emily subtly undermines Laura's con!‐
dence, making disparaging remarks about her abilities and
reinforcing her insecurities. By faking concern and empathy,
Emily maintains control over Laura's emotions, ensuring her
dependence on her older sister's validation.
T HIS MANIPULATION TACTIC creates a power dynamic within their

relationship, where Emily holds the upper hand and exerts
control over Laura's actions and decisions. The long-term
consequences can include strained trust, diminished self-
esteem, and emotional turmoil for Laura.
I N A HEALTHIER DYNAMIC , Emily would genuinely support and

uplift Laura, offering empathy and encouragement to help her
overcome her insecurities. True concern and empathy would
involve actively listening, providing sincere guidance, and cele‐
brating Laura's strengths.
E XAMPLES OF THINGS people faking concern or empathy

would say:
• • •
42
1 "I' M ONLY DOING this because I love you."

2 "I'm just concerned for your wellbeing."
3 "I'm saying this because I'm your friend and I want
what's best for you."
4 "I worry about you, that's why I'm so strict."
5 "I don't want you to make the same mistakes I did."
43
Chapter 8
Tactic #8 Incessant
Need for Validation
T
he Incessant Need for Validation is a manipulative
tactic frequently employed in relationships, charac‐
terized by an unending demand for af"rmation or
reassurance. This phenomenon extends beyond the usual and
normal human desire to feel valued or loved; it reaches a point
where the manipulator's self-worth becomes excessively tied
to their partner's approval, creating an unhealthy cycle of
dependency.
V ALIDATION IS a fundamental part of any human relationship; it

forms the building blocks of trust, understanding, and empa‐
thy. However, when it becomes incessant, it can morph into an
instrument of manipulation. Individuals who perpetually seek
validation use it as a tool to control their partners, driving
them into a corner where they constantly have to af"rm, reas‐
sure, or pacify the manipulator. It keeps the partner in a state
of perennial anxiety and guilt, trying to avoid potential con#ict
or emotional turmoil.
44
• • •
O NE OF THE signi!cant characteristics of this manipulative

tactic is that it is usually not overt. It is subtly woven into the
fabric of the relationship, making it dif!cult to identify or
confront. The manipulator may portray themselves as vulner‐
able or emotionally insecure, compelling their partner to
continually validate their feelings, thoughts, or actions. This
tactic often leads to an emotional imbalance in the relation‐
ship, where one person's needs, desires, and feelings over‐
shadow the other's.
A T ITS CORE , the incessant need for validation is an attempt to

shift power dynamics within a relationship. The manipulator
uses their partner's empathy and love as a weapon, exploiting
it to gain emotional control. This control is often used to
dictate terms, set narratives, and in#uence decisions favoring
the manipulator. The partner, in turn, !nds themselves in a
state of perpetual emotional labor, constantly walking on
eggshells.
A DDRESSING this manipulative tactic requires a keen

understanding of the dynamics at play. It's essential to estab‐
lish boundaries, encourage mutual respect, and promote
healthy communication. Professional help may be necessary to
navigate the complexities and break the cycle of manipulation.
E XAMPLES of incessant need for validation:

• • •
45
• L ET ' S consider the case of Anna and Mike, a couple who have
been dating for several months. Mike is a naturally empathetic
person and always seeks to validate and af!rm Anna's feelings.
However, as their relationship progresses, Anna begins to
demand constant validation from Mike for every decision she
makes or opinion she forms.
I N THE BEGINNING , Mike doesn't notice the pattern. He

compliments Anna when she looks good, he agrees with her
viewpoints even when they don't coincide with his, and he
reassures her decisions, thinking he's just being supportive.
But Anna's need for validation starts to escalate. She becomes
upset and withdrawn if Mike doesn't immediately validate her
thoughts or actions. She begins to insist that Mike spend more
time with her to the point where he begins to feel smothered
and his personal space is compromised. When Mike tries to
discuss his feelings, Anna turns the conversation around,
accusing him of not caring about her, thus manipulating him
into feeling guilty and pushing him to validate her more.
F OR INSTANCE , one day, Anna decides to buy an expensive dress

that is well beyond her budget. When Mike expresses concern
about her impulsive spending, Anna reacts by accusing him of
not appreciating her taste in fashion or not wanting her to feel
good about herself. Mike, feeling guilty and eager to avoid
con"ict, ends up validating her decision, even though he
knows it's not !nancially sound.
T HIS KIND of behavior extends to their social life as well. When

they're with friends, Anna continually seeks Mike's approval in
46
conversations. If Mike doesn't immediately agree with her, she

accuses him of not supporting her in public. This puts Mike in
a position where he constantly has to af!rm Anna's opinions,
irrespective of his own thoughts or feelings, further cementing
the imbalance in their relationship.
T HIS SCENARIO DEMONSTRATES how the incessant need for

validation can become a manipulative tactic in a relationship.
Mike !nds himself in a cycle where he must continually vali‐
date Anna to maintain peace, losing his autonomy in the
process. The emotional labor becomes one-sided, and the rela‐
tionship dynamic shifts to favor Anna's needs and desires,
leaving Mike feeling trapped and unheard.
• L ET ' S consider the relationship between Laura and David.

They have been married for several years and share two chil‐
dren. David, being an emotionally sensitive individual, often
!nds himself in a position where he has to constantly validate
Laura to maintain harmony in their relationship.
O VER TIME , Laura has developed a pattern of doubting her

parenting skills, often voicing concerns such as, "Am I a good
mother? Do the kids hate me? Am I doing enough for them?"
Initially, David perceives these questions as Laura needing
reassurance and he readily provides it, af!rming her parenting
abilities and telling her she's doing a great job.
H OWEVER , Laura's need for validation doesn't stop there. It

begins to extend to minor everyday decisions - from what
47
meals to cook to which TV shows to watch. If David doesn't

immediately support her choices, Laura reacts negatively,
insinuating that he doesn't appreciate her efforts or doesn't
value her opinion.
F OR INSTANCE , one weekend Laura decides to plan a family trip.

She chooses a destination, books the accommodation, and
outlines the itinerary without consulting David. When David
expresses surprise at not being included in the decision-
making process and politely suggests an alternative location,
Laura accuses him of undermining her and not trusting her
judgment. This leads David to af!rm her choice, despite his
reservations, to avoid any further con"ict.
I N SOCIAL SITUATIONS , the dynamic is similar. When they're with

friends or family, Laura often looks to David to back her up in
every discussion, regardless of his personal standpoint. If he
doesn't, Laura accuses him of being unsupportive, compelling
him to validate her viewpoint publicly.
I N THIS SITUATION , Laura's incessant need for validation

becomes a manipulative tactic, resulting in David constantly
af!rming her to maintain peace in their relationship. The
balance of emotional labor is skewed, and David begins to feel
unheard and overshadowed by Laura's persistent demand for
validation.
• N OW , let's look at the relationship between colleagues:

Jessica and Brian. They work closely together on various
48
projects in their company. Jessica, an ambitious employee,

often leans on Brian for his technical expertise.
I N THE BEGINNING , Jessica would regularly ask Brian for his

opinion on her work, seeking his validation to ensure she was
on the right track. Brian, being a team player, was more than
happy to provide input and reassure Jessica about the quality
of her work.
A S TIME PASSED , Jessica's need for validation started to take on a

different tone. She would frequently question her competence,
often saying things like, "I don't think I'm good enough for this
job," or "I feel like my work isn't up to par." This placed Brian
in a position where he had to repeatedly validate Jessica's abil‐
ities to prevent her from spiraling into self-doubt.
F OR EXAMPLE , when given the lead on a new project, Jessica

expressed concerns about her ability to manage it successfully.
Despite Brian reassuring her of her competence based on her
previous successes, Jessica insisted that she was not "t for the
role. Feeling cornered, Brian ended up not only reaf"rming her
capabilities but also promising to provide extra support
throughout the project, even though it meant an additional
workload for him.
J ESSICA ' S INCESSANT need for validation didn't stop at work-

related matters. She started seeking Brian's validation in her
personal decisions too, from her choices in work attire to her
lunch options. If Brian didn't af"rm her choices immediately,
49
Jessica would feel slighted, and accuse him of not being

supportive.
T HIS PATTERN EXTENDED to group meetings as well. Jessica would

look to Brian to back her ideas and suggestions. If Brian didn't
endorse her viewpoint instantly, Jessica would interpret it as
him not being on her side, leading to unnecessary workplace
tension.
I N THIS SCENARIO , Jessica's continuous need for validation

became a form of manipulation, causing an imbalance in their
professional relationship. Brian found himself constantly
providing reassurances and af!rmations, signi!cantly
impacting his own work and wellbeing.
Examples of things people using incessant need for valida‐
tion would say:
1 "D O you still love me as much as you did before?"

2 "Are you sure you wouldn't rather be with someone
else?"
3 "I feel like I'm always messing up. You think so too, don't
you?"
4 "Am I still the best partner you've ever had?"
5 "Do you think I'm successful enough?"
50
Chapter 9
Tactic #9 Excessive
Jealousy
E
xcessive jealousy, a common manipulative tactic in
relationships, is characterized by an overbearing
suspicion or fear of rivalry, often leading to
unhealthy patterns of control and possessiveness. While a
certain degree of jealousy is normal and can even indicate care
or emotional investment in a relationship, when it becomes
excessive, it poses a signi!cant threat to the relationship's
health and stability.
J EALOUSY IS a complex emotion that stems from a variety of

factors, including insecurity, fear of abandonment, or low self-
esteem. However, when it transforms into an all-consuming,
chronic sentiment, it becomes a tool for manipulation. Individ‐
uals who exhibit excessive jealousy often project their insecuri‐
ties onto their partners, resorting to controlling behaviors to
alleviate their own fears. This may manifest in constant
checking of their partner's phone, demanding to know their
51
whereabouts at all times, or discouraging them from spending

time with friends or family.
I N THE SPHERE of the relationship, the excessively jealous

individual may continually question their partner's commit‐
ment, casting doubt and suspicion over innocent interactions.
For instance, they may interpret a simple, friendly conversa‐
tion with a colleague or an old friend as a potential threat to
the relationship. This tactic serves to manipulate the partner
into constantly reassuring the jealous individual of their
loyalty and commitment, thereby shifting the relationship
dynamics in favor of the jealous partner.
O NE OF THE most damaging aspects of excessive jealousy as a

manipulation tactic is the emotional toll it takes on the part‐
ner. The relentless suspicion and lack of trust can lead to feel‐
ings of suffocation and constant anxiety. The partner may "nd
themselves continually walking on eggshells, trying to avoid
any situation that might trigger their partner's jealousy,
thereby limiting their own freedom and autonomy.
A DDRESSING excessive jealousy requires open communication,

mutual understanding, and in some cases, professional inter‐
vention. The goal is to identify the root cause of the jealousy,
address the insecurities, and build trust within the relation‐
ship. It's important to establish boundaries and ensure mutual
respect, fostering a healthy relationship dynamic where both
parties feel secure and valued.
• • •
52
E XAMPLES OF EXCESSIVE JEALOUSY :
• C ONSIDER the relationship between Sophie and Mark. They

have been together for a year and share a deep emotional
connection. However, Mark exhibits signs of excessive jeal‐
ousy, turning their relationship into a rocky terrain.
M ARK IS OFTEN suspicious of Sophie's interactions with other

men, even if they are just platonic friendships or professional
relationships. For example, Sophie has a close friend named
Alex from her college days. They meet occasionally for coffee to
catch up on life. Mark perceives these innocent meetings as a
threat to their relationship, often confronting Sophie with
accusations and demanding that she limit her contact with
Alex.
A T WORK , Sophie is part of a project team that includes several

male colleagues. When Sophie discusses her day at work or
mentions her colleagues during casual conversations, Mark's
jealousy "ares up. He insists on knowing the details of her
interactions with them and often expresses discomfort about
Sophie working late hours with her team.
H IS EXCESSIVE JEALOUSY extends to their social life as well.

During social events, Mark closely monitors Sophie's interac‐
tions, always on the lookout for potential threats. He often
misinterprets friendly banter or casual conversations as "irta‐
tious behavior, leading to heated arguments on their way
home.
53
• • •
T HIS EXCESSIVE JEALOUSY manipulates Sophie into a state of

constant vigilance and anxiety, modifying her behavior to
avoid triggering Mark's jealousy. She begins to isolate herself,
reducing contact with her male friends, and becomes less open
about her interactions at work. She !nds herself constantly
reassuring Mark of her loyalty, thus shifting the relationship
dynamics heavily in Mark's favor.
T HIS EXAMPLE ILLUSTRATES how excessive jealousy can turn into a

manipulative tactic, drastically impacting the emotional
health of the relationship and the individual freedom of the
partner on the receiving end.
• N OW , let's examine the relationship between Amelia and

Eric. They've been married for !ve years and have a loving rela‐
tionship, but Eric's excessive jealousy often causes turmoil.
E RIC IS OVERLY concerned about Amelia's past relationships.

Despite the fact that Amelia has made it clear that she's moved
on and is committed to their marriage, Eric continually brings
up her past boyfriends in their conversations. He regularly
questions her about the details of her past relationships,
causing unnecessary tension and discomfort.
F OR INSTANCE , when they run into someone Amelia used to date

at a social event, Eric's jealousy takes over. He becomes moody
and distant for the rest of the evening, later confronting Amelia
54
with baseless accusations and doubts about her commitment

to their relationship.
E RIC ' S JEALOUSY also extends to Amelia's successes in her career.

When Amelia gets a promotion at work, instead of celebrating
her achievement, Eric becomes suspicious of her male boss and
colleagues. He starts questioning her professional advance‐
ments and insinuates that they may be linked to personal rela‐
tionships rather than her skills and hard work.
F OR EXAMPLE , when Amelia was assigned to a high-pro"le

project because of her exceptional performance, Eric's jealousy
#ared up. He began to question her about her interactions with
her male boss and even suggested that her promotion was a
result of favoritism rather than merit.
A MELIA FINDS herself in a constant state of having to defend her

professional achievements and reassure Eric of her commit‐
ment. She's careful about discussing work at home and feels
compelled to downplay her successes to avoid triggering Eric's
jealousy. This constant need to reassure and placate has put a
strain on Amelia, affecting both her personal and professional
life.
• L ET ' S delve into the relationship between Rachel and Ben.

They have been dating for six months, and everything seemed
to be going well until Ben's excessive jealousy started to
surface, introducing an element of manipulation into their
relationship dynamics.
55
• • •
B EN , a freelance artist, spends a lot of time at home while

Rachel, a corporate employee, works in an of!ce setting with a
team. Ben has developed an unsettling habit of excessively
texting and calling Rachel throughout the workday. He often
asks about who she's with and what she's doing, indicating a
deep-rooted jealousy of the time she spends away from him.
F OR INSTANCE , when Rachel attends business conferences or

networking events, Ben's jealousy becomes more pronounced.
He bombards her with texts and calls, asking for regular
updates. When she's unable to respond immediately due to
her commitments, he assumes she's ignoring him or hiding
something, leading to accusations and arguments when she
gets home.
B EN ' S JEALOUSY also manifests when they spend time with their
mutual friends. If Rachel engages in conversation with their
male friends, Ben becomes visibly uncomfortable. He inter‐
prets her friendly banter and casual discussions as #irtatious
behavior, leading to confrontations later.
O NE NOTABLE INCIDENT occurred when a close friend, Mike,

made a lighthearted joke about a shared memory with Rachel
from their high school days. Ben immediately took offense,
viewing this harmless conversation as a sign of some deeper
connection between Rachel and Mike. This led to a heated
argument, with Ben accusing Rachel of still having feelings for
Mike, even though they were just friends.
56
• • •
I N ORDER TO MAINTAIN PEACE , Rachel !nds herself altering her

behavior. She reduces interactions with male friends, limits the
details she shares about her work, and constantly reassures
Ben of her commitment. The relationship dynamics have thus
been manipulated to favor Ben due to his excessive jealousy.
T HIS EXAMPLE SERVES to illustrate how excessive jealousy can

breed manipulation and control in a relationship, leading to an
unhealthy dynamic that impacts the partner's individual
freedom and the overall wellbeing of the relationship.
Examples of things people using excessive jealousy
would say:
1 "I NOTICED how he looked at you. Are you sure there's nothing
going on between you two?"
2 "I can't help but feel threatened when you talk about
your male colleagues. Are you sure you're just friends?"
3 "Why didn't you answer my call? Were you avoiding me?"
4 "You're always surrounded by men. Do you enjoy the
attention they give you?"
5 "I saw the way you were laughing with him. Are you sure
you're not attracted to him?"
57
Chapter 10
Tactic #10
Threatening
Self-Harm
T
hreatening self-harm is a deeply troubling form of
manipulation that arises in relationships when one
person seeks to control or in!uence their partner's
actions through fear and guilt. This tactic is potent and
damaging, employing a perverse form of psychological
leverage to maintain power dynamics in the relationship.
W HEN AN INDIVIDUAL USES threats of self-harm to manipulate

their partner, they're essentially holding their own wellbeing
hostage to their partner's behavior. They may threaten to hurt
themselves if their partner leaves, confronts them, or even
when they make decisions that the threatening partner
disagrees with. This puts the partner in an incredibly chal‐
lenging position, often feeling responsible for the potential
self-harm, despite it not being their burden to bear.
• • •
58
S UCH THREATS CAN TURN the relationship into an emotional

prison, with one partner living in constant fear of triggering a
self-harm incident. Their actions, decisions, and behaviors are
controlled by this fear, leading to a loss of personal freedom
and a constant state of stress and worry.
T HIS FORM of manipulation is especially malignant because it

weaponizes compassion and concern, manipulating these
positive emotions into chains that bind the partner to the
threatening individual. It is critical to note that such threats
indicate serious mental health issues. If someone !nds them‐
selves in such a situation, they should seek professional help
immediately, for their partner and for themselves.
E XAMPLES OF THREATENING SELF - HARM :
• C ONSIDER the example of Jake and Lisa. They've been in a

relationship for two years, but recently, Jake has begun to
threaten self-harm as a means of controlling Lisa.
L ISA HAS BEEN OFFERED a job in another city, a fantastic

opportunity that she's been waiting for. However, when she
brings up the subject of moving, Jake becomes distraught. He
threatens to hurt himself if she leaves, stating that he cannot
live without her.
E VERY TIME L ISA tries to discuss her decision or plans, Jake

reiterates his threat. He tells her that he won't be able to
59
handle the loneliness and that he might do something drastic.

As a result, Lisa is in constant fear and is feeling guilty about
her desire to pursue her career opportunity.
T HIS MANIPULATIVE TACTIC leaves Lisa feeling trapped and

helpless. She wants to take the job, but she also fears the
consequences that Jake's threats are implying. She is stuck
between her own needs and the fear of triggering Jake's self-
harm.
• I N THE CASE of Mark and Laura, they've been dating for a

while, but their relationship has been turbulent due to Mark's
drinking problem. Laura has been urging Mark to seek help,
but he has begun using threats of self-harm to resist her
attempts.
F OR EXAMPLE , when Laura suggests that Mark should go to a

rehab center, he responds with a threat of self-harm. He tells
her that he can't bear the thought of going to rehab and he
would rather hurt himself than face that reality.
W HENEVER L AURA BRINGS up his drinking problem or the

possibility of rehab, Mark repeats his threats. This manipula‐
tive tactic puts Laura in a dif"cult position, as she is torn
between wanting to help Mark and fearing the consequences
of pushing him towards recovery.
• • •
60
T HIS SITUATION HIGHLIGHTS how the threat of self-harm can be

used as a manipulative tactic to avoid change or responsibility,
creating an unhealthy and damaging dynamic in a
relationship.
• C ONSIDER the example of Anna and Tom. They've been in a

relationship for a few months, but Tom has started using
threats of self-harm as a means of manipulating Anna into
conceding to his demands.
F OR INSTANCE , when Anna wants to spend time with her

friends, Tom becomes angry and threatens self-harm. He says
things like, "If you go out with your friends tonight, I don't
know what I might do. I might just hurt myself." As a result,
Anna cancels her plans out of fear for Tom's safety.
E ACH TIME A NNA wants to do something that Tom disapproves

of, he uses threats of self-harm to control her actions. This
manipulative tactic leaves Anna feeling emotionally manipu‐
lated and trapped in the relationship, constantly worried
about Tom's wellbeing and sacri"cing her own needs and
happiness.
E XAMPLES OF THINGS people threatening self-harm would say:
1 "Y OU ' RE PLANNING to leave me? I can't promise I won't harm

myself if you do."
61
2 "If you go on that trip without me, I don't know if I'll be

able to handle the loneliness. I might do something terrible."
3 "Don't force me to go to therapy. I'd rather harm myself
than face that."
4 "You're the only thing keeping me sane. If you break up
with me, I might just lose control."
5 "I can't bear the thought of you not being there for me. If
you aren't, I may hurt myself."
62
Chapter 11
Tactic #11 Exploiting

Insecurities
E
xploiting insecurities as a manipulation tactic in
relationships refers to the deliberate act of taking
advantage of a partner's self-doubt or feelings of
inadequacy to exert control or gain power in the relationship.
It is an insidious form of emotional abuse, often dif!cult to
identify, and it can have severe consequences on the victim's
mental health.
E VERYONE HAS INSECURITIES — AREAS where they feel less

con!dent or unsure of themselves. In a healthy relationship,
partners support each other in these areas, fostering a sense of
safety and acceptance. However, when one partner exploits
these insecurities, it becomes a harmful manipulation tactic.
T HIS EXPLOITATION CAN TAKE many forms. For instance, a

manipulative partner might constantly highlight or criticize an
individual's perceived "aws or weaknesses, making the person
63
feel inferior or unworthy. They could also use these insecuri‐

ties as a tool for comparison, often contrasting their partner
negatively with others to diminish their self-esteem further.
A NOTHER COMMON METHOD is leveraging insecurities to justify

controlling behaviors. The manipulator might convince the
victim that their insecurity is a problem that needs "xing, posi‐
tioning themselves as the only one capable of 'helping' or '"x‐
ing' them. This tactic can lead to a toxic dependency, where the
victim feels they cannot function or be happy without the
manipulator's guidance or approval.
E XPLOITING insecurities can have a profound impact on the

victim. It can lead to a decline in their self-esteem, increase
feelings of worthlessness, and even result in anxiety or depres‐
sion. It's crucial to recognize these patterns and seek help to
break free from such a damaging dynamic.
E XAMPLES OF EXPLOITING INSECURITIES :
• L ET ' S consider the relationship between Alex and Maya. They

have been together for two years, but Alex has started
exploiting Maya's insecurities as a manipulation tactic.
M AYA HAS ALWAYS HAD body image concerns and struggles with
her self-con"dence. Alex, who is aware of these insecurities,
starts making subtle negative remarks about Maya's appear‐
ance. He comments on her weight, suggesting she should exer‐
64
cise more or watch her diet. These comments slowly chip away
at Maya's self-esteem, making her feel inadequate and
unworthy.
F URTHERMORE , Alex often compares Maya to other women, both

in real life and in the media. He points out how attractive and
successful they are, subtly implying that Maya doesn't
measure up. This constant comparison triggers feelings of jeal‐
ousy and further reinforces Maya's insecurities.
T O EXERT CONTROL , Alex plays on Maya's fear of abandonment.

He frequently brings up his ex-partners, highlighting their
qualities and successes. This manipulative tactic makes Maya
feel insecure and fearful that she will never live up to Alex's
past relationships. As a result, she becomes more compliant
and seeks constant validation from him.
A LEX ALSO EXPLOITS Maya's professional insecurities. He belittles

her career choices, suggesting she could do better or earn more
money. He uses her fear of failure and "nancial instability to
gain power in the relationship. Maya begins to doubt her abili‐
ties and relies on Alex for guidance and approval in her career
decisions.
O VER TIME , these manipulative tactics take a toll on Maya's

self-esteem and overall well-being. She feels trapped and
dependent on Alex for validation and af"rmation, believing
that she cannot be happy or successful without his guidance.
The exploitation of her insecurities keeps Maya in a cycle of
65
self-doubt, making it dif!cult for her to recognize the toxic

nature of their relationship.
• L ET ' S explore the relationship between Chris and Emily. They

have been together for several years, but Chris has begun to
exploit Emily's insecurities as a manipulation tactic.
E MILY HAS ALWAYS HAD a fear of not being intellectually

competent. Chris, fully aware of this insecurity, uses it to his
advantage. He consistently undermines Emily's intelligence by
making condescending remarks, questioning her abilities, and
belittling her opinions. This constant criticism erodes her self-
con!dence, leaving her feeling intellectually inferior.
A DDITIONALLY , Chris isolates Emily from her social circle,

exploiting her fear of rejection. He discourages her from
spending time with friends and undermines her relationships,
subtly implying that her friends don't truly care about her. By
isolating her, Chris further deepens Emily's insecurities and
dependence on him for social validation and acceptance.
T O ASSERT CONTROL , Chris leverages Emily's fear of being alone.

He frequently reminds her that no one else would want to be
with her, emphasizing her "aws and insecurities. This manip‐
ulation tactic instills a sense of fear and inadequacy within
Emily, making her believe that Chris is her only option for love
and companionship.
• • •
66
M OREOVER , Chris exploits Emily's !nancial insecurities. He

continuously brings up her past !nancial struggles and high‐
lights his own !nancial stability. He uses her fear of !nancial
instability to control her decisions, making her dependent on
him for !nancial support and guidance. This manipulation
reinforces Emily's feelings of inadequacy and perpetuates an
imbalance of power in the relationship.
A S A RESULT of Chris's manipulation tactics, Emily's self-esteem

diminishes, and she becomes emotionally dependent on him.
She feels trapped and helpless, believing she cannot thrive
without Chris's approval and validation. The exploitation of
her insecurities keeps Emily entangled in a toxic dynamic,
where her needs and desires are consistently undermined.
T HIS REAL - LIFE EXAMPLE illustrates how the exploitation of

insecurities can be used as a manipulative tactic to maintain
control, undermine self-esteem, and foster dependency within
a relationship. Recognizing and addressing these patterns is
crucial for individuals to reclaim their self-worth and establish
healthier relationship dynamics.
• L ET ' S consider the relationship between Michael and Sarah.

They have been dating for a while, and Michael has started
exploiting Sarah's insecurities as a manipulation tactic.
S ARAH HAS ALWAYS STRUGGLED with her artistic abilities and lacks
con!dence in her creative endeavors. Aware of this, Michael
takes advantage of her insecurities. He consistently dismisses
67
her artistic work, labeling it as mediocre or unimpressive. He

frequently compares her to other talented artists, highlighting
their achievements and implying that Sarah will never
measure up. This manipulation erodes Sarah's self-esteem and
inhibits her artistic growth.
F URTHERMORE , Michael exploits Sarah's fear of being socially

accepted. He criticizes her choices in clothing, hairstyle, and
overall appearance, insisting that she needs to change to !t
societal standards. He constantly compares her to others,
emphasizing their attractiveness and popularity, leaving Sarah
feeling inadequate and unattractive. This manipulation tactic
fuels her insecurities and creates a dependence on Michael's
validation.
T O ASSERT CONTROL , Michael exploits Sarah's fear of

abandonment. He often threatens to leave the relationship,
highlighting her perceived "aws and suggesting that no one
else would want her. This emotional manipulation keeps Sarah
feeling insecure and trapped, believing that she needs to
appease Michael's demands to keep the relationship intact.
M OREOVER , Michael exploits Sarah's family insecurities. He

undermines her relationship with her family, pointing out
their faults and highlighting their disapproval of him. By
isolating Sarah from her family's support and love, he
strengthens his control over her emotions and decisions,
making her rely solely on him for validation and compan‐
ionship.
• • •
68
E XAMPLES OF THINGS people exploiting insecurities would say:
1 "N O ONE else would appreciate you like I do. You're lucky to
have me."
2 "You know you need me. Without me, you'd be lost and
alone."
3 "You're not like others. You need someone like me to help
you overcome your insecurities."
4 "Without me, you'll never !nd anyone who accepts you
for who you are, insecurities and all."
5 "You should be grateful I'm here to support you. No one
else would understand or accept your "aws like I do."
69
Part Two
Communication
Manipulation
Chapter 12
Tactic #12: Silent

Treatment
S
ilent treatment is a psychological behavior often seen
in relationships where one partner withdraws from
communication, effectively becoming silent, to exert
control or to avoid addressing an issue. It's a non-confronta‐
tional form of manipulation that often stems from a desire for
control or a fear of confrontation.
S ILENT TREATMENT WORKS on the principle of negative

reinforcement, where the silence is intended to cause discom‐
fort or distress in the other party. The person employing this
tactic may feel empowered by the visible effect of their silence
on their partner, reinforcing their belief in the effectiveness of
this strategy. However, it's a damaging and unhealthy commu‐
nication pattern that can lead to resentment, emotional
distress, and a breakdown in relationship dynamics.
• • •
73
T HIS MANIPULATIVE TACTIC can lead to a cycle of unhealthy

communication habits. The victim, desperate for resolution,
may become more compliant or may start self-censoring to
avoid triggering another instance of silent treatment. This
suppresses genuine communication and the chance for a rela‐
tionship to grow through the resolution of con"icts.
S ILENT TREATMENT , in its essence, is a refusal to acknowledge the

presence, value, or worth of the other person. By denying them
any response, the manipulator invalidates the victim's feel‐
ings, concerns, or needs. This can severely impact the victim's
self-esteem and lead to feelings of worthlessness.
E XAMPLES OF SILENT TREATMENT :
• L ET ' S consider an example of a couple, Alice and Bob. Alice is

upset because Bob forgot their anniversary. Instead of
expressing her feelings of hurt and disappointment, she
decides to give Bob the silent treatment. She stops talking to
him, avoids his attempts to communicate, and essentially
withdraws from their relationship.
B OB , initially unaware of the reason behind Alice's sudden

silence, becomes increasingly anxious. He tries to engage Alice
in conversation, asking her what's wrong, but his attempts are
met with cold indifference. The once warm and open commu‐
nication they shared becomes a one-way street.
• • •
74
A S DAYS GO BY , Bob starts to feel helpless and frustrated. He

can't !x a problem he doesn't know exists. His self-esteem
takes a hit as he begins to question his actions and worth in
the relationship. Alice, on the other hand, feels empowered by
Bob's visible distress, mistaking his frustration as guilt. This
reinforces her belief in the effectiveness of the silent treatment
as a way to express her displeasure.
I N THIS CASE , the silent treatment creates a toxic cycle in the

relationship. It suppresses open communication, breeds
resentment, and causes emotional distress. Instead of
resolving the initial issue (Bob forgetting their anniversary),
the silent treatment only serves to create more problems and
widen the rift between Alice and Bob.
• H ERE ' S another scenario to illustrate the silent treatment in

action. Let's consider two friends, Jim and Nick. They have
been close friends since high school. However, recently, Jim
made a joke about Nick's new job in front of their mutual
friends. Nick felt embarrassed and belittled, but instead of
addressing the issue directly with Jim, he decided to give him
the silent treatment.
N ICK BEGAN IGNORING Jim's calls and texts. When they met in
social settings, Nick would avoid interacting with Jim, giving
brief and curt responses if spoken to directly. Jim, initially
confused by Nick's behavior, tried to !gure out what went
wrong but was met with cold silence.
• • •
75
A S THE SILENCE CONTINUED , Jim began to feel isolated and

anxious. He started blaming himself, wondering if he had done
something wrong to merit such treatment. This self-doubt and
confusion took a toll on his mental health. Meanwhile, Nick
felt justi!ed in his actions, seeing Jim's discomfort as an
admission of guilt.
T HIS EXAMPLE ILLUSTRATES how the silent treatment can turn a

minor disagreement into a major issue. It highlights the
destructive power of silence in breaking down communication,
fostering misunderstanding, and causing emotional distress.
Instead of fostering understanding and reconciliation, the
silent treatment only serves to deepen the divide between Nick
and Jim.
• L ET ' S take a different perspective this time around and

consider a professional scenario involving two colleagues,
Sarah and Mark. Sarah has been with the company longer and
has a more senior role, while Mark is relatively new. During a
team meeting, Mark presents an innovative idea for a project.
Sarah feels threatened by Mark's ingenuity and instead of
addressing her insecurities, she decides to give Mark the silent
treatment.
S ARAH STOPS INCLUDING Mark in relevant email chains, overlooks

his suggestions during meetings, and minimizes any interac‐
tion with him. Mark, confused by this sudden change in
Sarah's behavior, tries to reach out but is met with a wall of
silence.
• • •
76
F EELING EXCLUDED AND UNSURE , Mark begins to question his

place in the team. His productivity dips and his enthusiasm for
contributing new ideas wanes. Sarah, seeing Mark's discom‐
fort, feels her authority is validated and continues her silent
tactics, believing it to maintain her status quo.
T HIS SITUATION SHOWS that the silent treatment can even

permeate professional environments, leading to a toxic work
culture. It not only damages the individual's morale but also
hampers team progress. Instead of encouraging a culture of
open communication and collaboration, the silent treatment
fosters a culture of fear and apprehension.
77
Chapter 13
Tactic #13
Stonewalling
S
tonewalling is a complex and damaging
communication pattern often seen in relationships
where one partner consistently withdraws from inter‐
action, effectively erecting a metaphorical wall between them‐
selves and their partner. It is a form of psychological
manipulation that can have serious consequences for the
health and sustainability of relationships.
I N ESSENCE , stonewalling is a defensive tactic that a person uses

to avoid confrontation or con"ict. By refusing to engage, the
stonewaller isolates themselves, leaving the other person
feeling unheard, invalidated, and powerless. This behavior can
range from silent treatment, ignoring or dismissive behavior,
to creating physical distance.
T HE KEY ELEMENT of stonewalling is the intent to control,

manipulate, and shift power dynamics within the relationship.
78
By refusing to communicate, the stonewaller exerts power by

keeping their partner in a state of uncertainty and frustration.
The other person is often left guessing what they did wrong,
which can lead to feelings of guilt, self-doubt, and emotional
distress.
S TONEWALLING CAN BE PARTICULARLY DAMAGING because it prevents

the resolution of con!icts and the expression of needs and
emotions within the relationship. It creates an environment of
emotional stagnation where issues are left unaddressed, and
resentment builds up. Over time, this can lead to a signi"cant
breakdown in trust, intimacy, and mutual respect, often
causing irreparable damage to the relationship.
E XAMPLES OF SILENT STONEWALLING :
• L ET ' S consider a scenario involving a married couple, Alice

and Bob. They've been together for several years, but recently,
their conversations have been increasingly fraught with
disagreements over "nances. Bob feels uncomfortable
discussing money matters and, instead of expressing his
discomfort, he resorts to stonewalling.
W HEN A LICE BRINGS up the topic of their "nancial planning, Bob

withdraws. He either stays silent, changes the subject, or
leaves the room. He doesn't respond to Alice's attempts at
discussing their "nancial future, nor does he acknowledge the
importance of these conversations.
• • •
79
A LICE , in turn, feels ignored and invalidated. She begins to

doubt her own concerns and feels powerless to improve their
!nancial situation. The more she tries to communicate, the
more Bob retreats into silence. This cycle continues, and their
relationship starts to strain under the weight of unresolved
issues and unexpressed feelings.
T HIS SCENARIO ILLUSTRATES how stonewalling can obstruct open

communication, create emotional distance, and breed resent‐
ment in a relationship. It's a clear example of how refusing to
engage in important discussions and ignoring a partner's
needs and concerns can cause signi!cant harm to the rela‐
tionship.
• L ET ' S explore a different scenario involving two close friends,

John and Rachel. They have been friends since high school,
sharing their dreams and aspirations. However, Rachel decides
to move across the country for her dream job, which leads to a
disagreement between them.
J OHN , feeling hurt and betrayed by Rachel's decision, resorts to

stonewalling. Whenever Rachel tries to explain her decision or
discuss the future of their friendship, John simply does not
respond. He ignores her calls, leaves her messages unread, and
avoids meeting her.
R ACHEL , feeling confused and hurt by John's behavior, tries to

reach out and mend their friendship. However, her efforts are
80
met with silence. She is left feeling helpless and frustrated,

unable to understand why her best friend is shutting her out.
T HIS EXAMPLE SHOWS how stonewalling can affect not just

romantic relationships, but also friendships. It demonstrates
how the refusal to communicate can lead to misunderstandings,
hurt feelings, and potentially the end of a close relationship.
• L ET ' S consider a workplace scenario between a manager,

Sarah, and an employee, Tim. Tim, an enthusiastic worker,
often brings up innovative ideas to improve the company's
productivity. However, Sarah, feeling threatened by Tim's
creativity, decides to stonewall him.
E VERY TIME T IM proposes an idea in a meeting or sends an email

about a potential solution, Sarah disregards his input. She
doesn't respond to his emails, overlooks his suggestions in
meetings, or dismisses his ideas without consideration.
F EELING IGNORED AND UNDERVALUED , Tim's motivation and

creativity begin to wane. He starts doubting his capabilities
and feels discouraged from contributing further. The work
environment becomes tense and stagnant, negatively affecting
the entire team's morale.
T HIS SCENARIO ILLUSTRATES the destructive effect of stonewalling

in a professional setting. By neglecting to engage with an
81
employee's contributions, a manager can create an oppressive

and non-inclusive work environment, sti!ing innovation and
damaging team morale.
82
Chapter 14
Tactic #14 Projecting
P
rojection is a psychological defense mechanism
where an individual displaces their own feelings,
traits, or behaviors onto another person. As a manip‐
ulation tactic in relationships, projection is used to shift blame,
create confusion, and evade personal responsibility.
I N THIS CONTEXT , the manipulator typically has characteristics

or feelings they "nd dif"cult to accept or acknowledge within
themselves. These could range from anger, jealousy, or insecu‐
rity to more speci"c behaviors like lying or cheating. Instead of
confronting these emotions or behaviors, the manipulator
projects them onto their partner or friend, effectively blaming
them for the very feelings or behaviors they themselves
exhibit.
P ROJECTION SERVES multiple purposes for the manipulator. First,

it allows them to deny and externalize unwanted feelings and
83
traits, reducing their own anxiety and guilt. Second, it under‐

mines the other person's perception of reality, causing them to
question their own actions and feelings, a phenomenon often
referred to as 'gaslighting'. This confusion gives the manipu‐
lator more control over the relationship.
M OREOVER , by constantly blaming the other person, the

manipulator avoids taking responsibility for their own actions.
This not only perpetuates their own denial but also diverts
attention away from their problematic behavior. Over time,
this can lead to a signi"cant imbalance in the relationship,
with the recipient of the projection feeling increasingly inade‐
quate, guilty, and confused.
I N CONCLUSION , projection as a manipulation tactic can be

highly damaging to relationships. It undermines trust,
prevents honest communication, and perpetuates a cycle of
blame and denial. Recognizing and addressing this behavior is
crucial for maintaining healthy, balanced relationships.
E XAMPLES OF PROJECTING :
• L ET ' S consider a scenario involving two romantic partners,

Emily and Mark. Emily has a long history of being unreliable
and frequently cancels plans at the last minute. However, she
never acknowledges her unreliability and instead projects this
trait onto Mark.
• • •
84
F OR INSTANCE , when Emily fails to show up for a dinner date

they planned together, she blames Mark for not reminding her,
claiming he's the forgetful one. If Mark confronts Emily about
her constant cancellations, she diverts the conversation and
accuses him of being the one who never follows through on
plans.
E MILY ' S PROJECTION causes Mark to question his own reliability.

He begins to feel guilty, constantly apologizing and trying to
prove his dependability. Meanwhile, Emily avoids taking
responsibility for her actions, creating an imbalance in their
relationship.
T HIS EXAMPLE SHOWS how projection can distort reality and shift
blame in relationships, causing confusion, guilt, and emotional
distress.
• F OR A DIFFERENT SCENARIO , let's consider two coworkers, Anne

and Bob. Anne is a highly competitive individual who often
feels threatened by her colleagues' success. Instead of
addressing her own insecurities, she projects them onto Bob.
W HENEVER B OB RECEIVES recognition for his work, Anne accuses

him of being jealous and trying to undermine her. She insists
that Bob can't stand to see her succeed and is always trying to
steal her spotlight, even though it's actually Anne who is
struggling with these feelings of jealousy and competitiveness.
• • •
85
B OB , an easy-going and supportive coworker, starts to question

his own intentions and feelings. He becomes overly cautious
about celebrating his achievements, worried that he might
appear jealous or threatening. Meanwhile, Anne continues to
deny her own insecurities, creating a tense and hostile work
environment.
T HIS EXAMPLE DEMONSTRATES how projection can create

misunderstandings and tension in professional relationships,
leading to self-doubt and a negative work atmosphere.
• C ONSIDER A SCENARIO INVOLVING TWO FRIENDS , Laura and Jessica.

Laura is prone to gossiping and often shares private informa‐
tion about others. However, she refuses to admit this behavior
and instead projects it onto Jessica.
F OR INSTANCE , if a piece of sensitive information about one of

their mutual friends becomes common knowledge within their
social circle, Laura immediately blames Jessica for spreading
the news. She accuses Jessica of being the one who can't keep
secrets, even though it's Laura who has been gossiping.
C ONFUSED AND HURT , Jessica starts to question her own actions,

wondering if she might have inadvertently shared the infor‐
mation. She becomes overly cautious about what she says and
to whom, while Laura continues to gossip without acknowl‐
edging her behavior.
• • •
86
T HIS EXAMPLE DEMONSTRATES how projection can create

misunderstandings and strain relationships, causing individ‐
uals to question their own actions and feel guilty for behaviors
they did not exhibit.
E XAMPLES OF THINGS people using projecting would say:
1 "W HY ARE you always so insecure when I hang out with my

friends?"
2 "You never own up to your faults; it's always someone
else's problem."
3 "You blow things out of proportion, it was just a joke."
4 "You're the one who can never stick to a schedule,
not me."
5 "You always misinterpret my words; you're just too
touchy."
87
Chapter 15
Tactic #15 Twisting

Words Or Facts
T
wisting words or facts is a subtle yet potent form of
manipulation, typically deployed in relationships to
wield control and assert dominance. The term refers
to the deliberate distortion, misrepresentation, or outright
denial of information, conversations, or events to disorient and
destabilize the victim. It’s a strategic chess move on the game
board of interpersonal dynamics, intended to create uncer‐
tainty and engender self-doubt in the person on the receiving
end.
T HIS TACTIC IS ESPECIALLY dangerous because it attacks the

victim's cognitive con"dence, leading them to question their
own memory, perception, and sanity. The perpetrator reshapes
reality like a potter molding clay, altering the narrative to their
own advantage. As the victim's trust in their cognitive faculties
wavers, they may "nd themselves increasingly reliant on the
manipulator for their understanding of reality. This, in turn,
creates a severe power imbalance and fosters dependency,
88
with the manipulator effectively hijacking the victim's percep‐

tion of truth.
I T ' S worth noting that this form of manipulation is a form of

psychological abuse, and its effects can be profoundly damag‐
ing. The constant state of confusion and self-doubt can lead to
signi"cant mental distress and emotional turmoil. Over time,
the victim may experience a decrease in self-esteem, increased
anxiety, and even depression. They may also become socially
isolated as they grapple with the internal chaos generated by
the manipulator's twisted narrative.
R ECOGNIZING this manipulation tactic is the "rst step toward

mitigating its effects. It often proves challenging due to the
subtle and insidious nature of this form of manipulation.
However, understanding the mechanics of twisting words or
facts can equip the victim with the necessary tools to identify
and counteract this harmful in#uence, thereby restoring
balance and dignity in their relationships.
E XAMPLES OF TWISTING words or facts:
• L ET ' S consider a hypothetical example involving two friends:

Alice and Bob. They often go out to dinner and split the bill.
One evening, Bob suggests a more expensive restaurant than
they usually go to. Alice hesitates, but Bob reassures her that
he will cover the extra cost.
• • •
89
A T THE END of the dinner, Bob insists that they split the bill
equally, contrary to what he had initially suggested. When
Alice confronts Bob about their agreement, he denies it,
asserting that Alice had misunderstood him and that he had
never offered to pay the extra amount. Alice starts to doubt her
memory and feels guilty for the misunderstanding, even
though she clearly remembers Bob's promise.
I N THIS SITUATION , Bob is manipulating the facts, causing Alice

to question her memory and understanding of their conversa‐
tion. This is a classic example of twisting words or facts in a
relationship.
• I MAGINE A COUPLE , Eva and Mark. They've been dating for a

while, and their relationship has its fair share of ups and
downs. Mark has a habit of coming home late from work
without informing Eva. Each time Eva expresses her concern,
Mark assures her that he will keep her informed next time.
However, the pattern continues.
O NE EVENING , Eva confronts Mark about his consistent late

nights and his failure to communicate. Mark, instead of
acknowledging his mistake, turns the tables. He tells Eva that
he had informed her about his late work schedule that day
through a text, which he never sent. He insists that maybe her
phone failed to receive it or that she overlooked it. Eva, con"‐
dent about not receiving any message, checks her phone and
"nds no such text. When she tells Mark the same, he suggests
that she's becoming forgetful.
• • •
90
I N THIS SCENARIO , Mark is twisting the facts to evade

responsibility, causing Eva to question her memory and under‐
standing. It's a textbook instance of the manipulation tactic of
twisting words or facts in a relationship.
• P ICTURE A SCENARIO INVOLVING TWO NEIGHBORS , Emily and John.

John has a habit of parking his car in a way that blocks Emily's
driveway. Emily has politely asked John to avoid doing this
multiple times, and each time John apologizes and promises
not to do it again.
O NE MORNING , Emily "nds John's car blocking her driveway

again. When Emily confronts John, he denies ever having been
asked not to park there. He insists that Emily never communi‐
cated this issue to him and suggests that she must be
mistaken. Emily is left in a state of confusion and self-doubt,
questioning her own recollections despite being certain about
their previous conversations.
E XAMPLES OF THINGS people twisting words or facts would say:
1 "A RE you sure that's what happened? I have a totally different

memory of it."
2 "Honestly, you have a habit of misinterpreting things."
3 "I think you're blowing things out of proportion. It
wasn't like that at all."
4 "I never agreed to that. You're twisting my words."
5 "You're trying to put words in my mouth. I never made
such a claim."
91
Chapter 16
Tactic #16 Lying or

Deceitful Behavior
L
ying or deceitful behavior in relationships represents a
complex, multifaceted manipulation tactic that
involves the deliberate and purposeful dissemination
of false information to control, in!uence, or mislead the other
party. It is an insidious approach that can drastically alter the
dynamics of a relationship, eroding trust and fostering a toxic
environment.
I N ESSENCE , lying is an act of creating a false narrative or reality,

and the individual employing this tactic consciously distorts
the truth to serve their own interests. This could range from
small, seemingly inconsequential 'white lies' to substantial
fabrications that can reshape the entire context of a situation
or relationship.
D ECEITFUL BEHAVIOR , while closely associated with lying, is a

broader concept. It encompasses not only outright falsehoods
92
but also half-truths, omissions, and misdirection. The deceitful

individual may not always lie directly, but they manipulate the
truth in such a way that it obscures reality and leads the other
party towards a conclusion or belief that serves the manipula‐
tor's objectives.\
E XAMPLES OF LYING or deceitful behavior:
• L UCY AND S AM ARE FRIENDS . Sam frequently promises to meet

Lucy for coffee, a movie, or just a simple walk in the park.
However, Sam often cancels at the last minute with a variety of
excuses: an unexpected work commitment, a sudden illness, or
a forgotten appointment.
A FTER SOME TIME , Lucy runs into another friend who happens to
be a colleague of Sam's. In their conversation, Lucy learns that
on many of the days when Sam had claimed to be working late
or ill, they were actually out with other friends.
I N THIS SITUATION , Sam uses lying as a manipulation tactic. By

creating false scenarios, Sam is able to control their relation‐
ship with Lucy, managing expectations and avoiding
confrontations, while doing as they please. The ongoing deceit
fosters an imbalance in their friendship, with Lucy constantly
accommodating Sam's supposed circumstances.
• L ET ' S consider a romantic relationship between two

individuals, Alex and Jordan. Over time, Alex begins to notice
93
discrepancies in Jordan's stories about their past. For example,

Jordan mentioned having graduated from a prestigious univer‐
sity, but later, when talking to their friends, Jordan states that
they actually never "nished their degree due to certain circum‐
stances.
A NOTHER INSTANCE OCCURS when Alex discovers that Jordan has

been meeting with an ex-partner. Jordan had assured Alex that
they had cut all ties with past romantic interests. When
confronted, Jordan insists that the meetings were innocent and
that they didn't mention it to avoid unnecessary con#ict,
claiming they didn't think it was signi"cant.
I N BOTH THESE SCENARIOS , Jordan exhibits deceitful behavior by

distorting the truth. These lies, whether through omission or
direct falsehoods, serve to manipulate Alex's perception and
maintain control over the narrative of their relationship.
• L ET ' S consider a professional relationship in a business

setting. Imagine a manager, Mr. Smith, and his subordinate,
Ms. Johnson. Mr. Smith often assures Ms. Johnson that she is
next in line for promotion and continuously gives her addi‐
tional responsibilities to prepare her for the assumed role.
However, time passes and the promised promotion never
materializes. Eventually, Ms. Johnson learns from a colleague
that Mr. Smith has been telling several other team members
the same thing.
• • •
94
I N THIS SCENARIO , Mr. Smith uses deceit as a manipulation

tactic. By making false promises, he is able to control his
subordinates, ensuring their productivity and loyalty without
following through on his assurances. This lie creates an imbal‐
ance in their professional relationship, with Ms. Johnson and
others left feeling exploited and deceived.
E XAMPLES OF THINGS people lying and exercising deceitful

behavior would say:
1 "I DIDN ' T TELL you about it because I knew you would
overreact."
2 "I promise, I will pay you back next month. I just have
some unexpected expenses this time."
3 "I didn't lie; I just didn't think it was important enough to
mention."
4 "I'm only doing this for your own good."
5 "You must have misunderstood me. I never promised
that.
95
Chapter 17
Tactic #17
Withholding
Affection
W
ithholding affection is a manipulative tactic
often used in relationships to gain power and
control. It involves the deliberate denial or restric‐
tion of affection, kindness, or validation as a means to
punish, control, or manipulate the other party.
T HIS TACTIC CAN MANIFEST in various forms, including but not

limited to, refusing physical affection, not reciprocating kind
words, ignoring the other's needs for intimacy, or failing to
acknowledge their achievements or successes. The manipu‐
lator uses their partner's need for affection as leverage,
creating an imbalance in the relationship where one party is
left constantly seeking validation or approval that is inconsis‐
tently given.
T HE EFFECTS of this manipulation tactic are profound, often

leading to feelings of insecurity, unworthiness, and despera‐
96
tion in the victim. Over time, they may start to question their
own worth and the validity of their feelings, leading to a
diminishing sense of self-esteem and self-worth.
T HIS BEHAVIOR IS PARTICULARLY DAMAGING because it exploits a

fundamental human need for connection and validation. It
creates a power dynamic where the manipulator holds control
over the victim's emotional wellbeing. The victim is left in a
constant state of uncertainty, never knowing when they will
receive the affection they crave, which can lead to psycholog‐
ical dependence on the manipulator.
R ECOGNIZING and addressing this manipulation tac
E XAMPLES OF WITHHOLDING AFFECTION :
• T AKE THE EXAMPLE OF A COUPLE , Kate and Alex. Alex is a

charismatic and loving partner when things are going well, but
anytime Kate does something that Alex perceives as a slight or
disagreement, he withdraws his affection. He stops saying "I
love you," avoids physical touch, and becomes cold and
distant. This behavior continues until Kate apologizes or
changes her behavior to match Alex's desires.
I N THIS EXAMPLE , Alex is using the withholding of affection as a

manipulation tactic. Kate, who values the affection and
emotional connection in their relationship, begins to feel
anxious, confused, and hurt during these periods of coldness.
97
She starts altering her behavior and suppressing her own

needs and opinions to avoid Alex's emotional punishment. As
a result, Alex gains power and control in the relationship.
• L ET ' S dive into the world of Lucy and Mark. Lucy loves Mark
and cherishes the moments of affection they share. However,
Mark has a manipulative side. Whenever Lucy doesn't comply
with his wishes or dares to question his actions, he suddenly
turns cold. He stops hugging her, no more sweet text messages
during the day, no more words of love. He becomes a stranger,
a distant !gure in the house.
H ERE , Mark is using the tactic of withholding affection to

manipulate Lucy. Stricken by the sudden loss of warmth and
love, Lucy feels rejected and alone. The joy of their relationship
turns into a weapon against her, and in her desperation to
regain that lost affection, she starts molding herself into the
person Mark wants her to be. This gives Mark an unhealthy
amount of control and power, creating a toxic and damaging
relationship dynamic.
• L ET ' S imagine the relationship between a mother and her

adult son, Patricia and Ethan. Patricia, as a mother, is a signi!‐
cant source of love and affection in Ethan's life. However,
Patricia has a tendency to withhold her affection whenever
Ethan makes decisions she disapproves of, such as choosing a
career path she doesn't agree with or dating someone she
doesn't like.
• • •
98
I N THIS EXAMPLE , Patricia uses the withholding of affection as a

means to control Ethan's choices. She creates an environment
where Ethan is made to feel guilty and unloved whenever he
acts against her wishes. Eager to regain his mother's affection
and approval, Ethan !nds himself compromising on his own
desires and life choices. This gives Patricia undue in"uence
over Ethan's life, creating a dynamic that is harmful and
manipulative.
E XAMPLES OF THINGS people withholding affection say:
1 "M AYBE WHEN you start acting right, I'll feel more like being
affectionate."
2 "Don't expect me to be warm and cuddly when you're
being so stubborn."
3 "If you listened to me more often, I might be more
inclined to show affection."
4 "You're not making me feel very loving at the moment
with your behavior."
5 "How can I be affectionate when you keep disappointing
me?"
99
Chapter 18
Tactic #18 Shifting

Blame
S
hifting blame, also known as blame shifting, is a potent
manipulation tactic employed in relationships,
wherein an individual diverts the focus from their own
actions, mistakes, or !aws to the other person. This deceptive
technique is a form of psychological manipulation where the
manipulator attempts to change the narrative in a way that
they emerge as the victim or the innocent party, and the real
victim is painted as the culprit.
B LAME SHIFTING IS A PARTICULARLY insidious tactic because it not

only helps the manipulator avoid taking responsibility for their
actions, but it also serves to make the victim question their
own perceptions and feelings. It creates confusion, promotes
self-doubt, and can lead to guilt and shame in the victim,
thereby providing the manipulator with a sense of power and
control.
• • •
100
T HIS STRATEGY IS OFTEN USED by individuals who have dif!culty

accepting responsibility for their actions, typically due to
narcissistic tendencies, insecurity, or a deep-seated fear of
being seen as "awed or wrong. The manipulator may employ
various techniques such as gaslighting, playing the victim, or
projecting their own faults onto the victim.
F OR INSTANCE , a person who is chronically late might shift the

blame onto their partner by accusing them of being overly
sensitive or impatient. Similarly, an individual who has been
caught in a lie might accuse the other person of being paranoid
or mistrustful, thereby de"ecting attention from their
dishonesty.
E XAMPLES OF SHIFTING BLAME :
• C ONSIDER THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN CO - WORKERS , Maya and

Robert. Maya has noticed that whenever a team project goes
awry, Robert immediately points !ngers at her, often accusing
her of not providing adequate support or information. This is
despite the fact that Robert was leading the project and it was
his responsibility to ensure everything was in order.
I N A RECENT PROJECT , there was a signi!cant error in the !nal

presentation to clients. Instead of acknowledging his role in
missing the error, Robert immediately blamed Maya for not
catching it during her review. He argued that Maya should
have been more thorough and accused her of not taking her
responsibilities seriously.
101
• • •
I N THIS EXAMPLE , Robert is using the tactic of shifting blame to

avoid taking responsibility for his mistakes. His constant
de!ection causes Maya to question her competence and value
as a team member, even when she's not at fault. As a result,
Robert maintains his image while Maya struggles with unwar‐
ranted self-doubt and guilt.
• L ET ' S look into the relationship between a married couple,

Eliza and Tom. Tom has a habit of forgetting important dates -
anniversaries, birthdays, even doctor's appointments. When
Eliza confronts him about his forgetfulness, instead of apolo‐
gizing and taking responsibility, Tom shifts the blame
onto her.
F OR INSTANCE , on forgetting their wedding anniversary, Tom

accused Eliza of not reminding him enough or making a big
deal out of it in the days leading up to it. He managed to turn
the situation around to make it seem like Eliza's lack of
reminders was the reason for his forgetfulness, not his own
negligence.
H ERE , Tom is manipulating the situation by shifting blame

onto Eliza. He avoids taking responsibility for his actions and
instead makes Eliza feel as though she's at fault for his
mistakes. This puts Eliza in a position where she's constantly
second-guessing herself and her actions, while Tom escapes
any accountability.
• • •
102
• C ONSIDER the relationship between two friends, Alice and

Karen. Alice has a habit of making off-hand, sometimes
insulting comments about Karen's appearance. When Karen
confronts Alice about these hurtful remarks, Alice immediately
shifts blame onto Karen.
A LICE ARGUES that Karen is too sensitive and that she was only
joking. She asserts that if Karen took the comments too
personally, then it is Karen's problem for not being able to take
a joke. This is a clear case of Alice using blame shifting to avoid
taking responsibility for her unkind words and actions. She
manipulates the situation, making Karen feel guilty for
expressing her feelings.
E XAMPLES OF THINGS people shifting blame say:
1 "Y OU ' RE ALWAYS OVERREACTING . That's why we keep having

these arguments."
2 "If you hadn't kept nagging, I would have !nished the
task."
3 "It's not my problem if you can't take a joke."
4 "You didn't remind me enough, that's why I forgot about
the appointment."
5 "You should have known what I meant, so it's your fault
for misunderstanding."
103
Chapter 19
Tactic #19 Selective

Memory
S
elective memory, or selective amnesia, is a
manipulation tactic often used in relationships where
an individual deliberately remembers certain events
and conveniently forgets others to suit their narrative or goals.
This strategy can cause signi!cant emotional distress for the
other party as the manipulator effectively rewrites history,
causing the victim to question their recollections and percep‐
tion of reality.
S ELECTIVE MEMORY IS PARTICULARLY DAMAGING because it erodes

trust and fosters an imbalance of power within the relation‐
ship. The manipulator may use this tactic to evade responsi‐
bility for their actions, shift blame onto the other party, or gain
an upper hand during arguments.
F OR EXAMPLE , an individual might remember and repeatedly

bring up minor mistakes their partner made months or years
104
ago, while conveniently forgetting their own transgressions.

Alternatively, they might remember shared events or conversa‐
tions in a way that casts them in a favorable light and their
partner in a negative one.
T HIS TACTIC IS CLOSELY RELATED to gaslighting, a form of

psychological manipulation where the victim is made to ques‐
tion their sanity or memory. It's important to recognize and
challenge selective memory in a relationship, as it can lead to
feelings of confusion, guilt, and self-doubt in the victim.
E XAMPLES OF SELECTIVE MEMORY :
• L ET ' S delve into the relationship between friends, Sarah and

Lisa. Sarah has a tendency to conveniently forget or overlook
instances where Lisa has gone out of her way to support her.
Instead, Sarah chooses to remember and emphasize moments
where Lisa has fallen short or made mistakes.
F OR EXAMPLE , Lisa spent hours helping Sarah prepare for an

important presentation, providing feedback and offering guid‐
ance. However, when the presentation receives mixed reviews,
Sarah conveniently forgets Lisa's efforts and solely focuses on
the negative feedback, blaming Lisa for the perceived failure.
B Y SELECTIVELY REMEMBERING ONLY the negative aspects, Sarah

undermines Lisa's contributions and attempts to shift blame
onto her. This manipulation tactic leaves Lisa feeling unappre‐
105
ciated and undervalued, as her genuine support and assistance

are overshadowed by Sarah's selective memory.
I N BOTH OF these real-life examples, selective memory serves as

a manipulative tool that distorts the truth and undermines the
trust within the relationships. It creates a power imbalance,
leaving the victims questioning their own memories and
perceptions, while the manipulators control the narrative to
serve their own interests.
• L ET ' S explore a sibling relationship between Ryan and Emma.

Ryan has a habit of selectively remembering instances where
Emma has made mistakes or misbehaved, while conveniently
forgetting times when he was at fault or behaved in a similar
manner.
F OR INSTANCE , when Emma accidentally broke one of Ryan's

belongings, he immediately reminded her of that incident and
made her feel guilty. However, when Ryan broke one of
Emma's belongings, he dismisses it as an accident and conve‐
niently forgets his own responsibility in the matter.
T HIS PATTERN of selective memory creates a sense of unfairness

and resentment in Emma. She feels that Ryan holds her to a
different standard and uses his selective recollection to manip‐
ulate her emotions and maintain a position of moral superior‐
ity. Emma becomes hesitant to express herself and starts
doubting her own intentions and actions, which further rein‐
forces Ryan's control over the relationship dynamic.
106
• • •
• L ET ' S consider a friendship between Sarah and Rachel. Sarah

has a tendency to selectively remember occasions where
Rachel canceled plans or couldn't attend events due to
personal reasons, while disregarding times when she herself
was unavailable or had to reschedule.
F OR EXAMPLE , when Rachel had to cancel their dinner plans due

to a family emergency, Sarah reacts with disappointment and
accuses Rachel of being inconsiderate and unreliable. However,
when Sarah cancels a gathering with Rachel due to work
commitments, she brushes it off as necessary and fails to
acknowledge the impact of her own actions.
S ARAH ' S selective memory in this scenario serves to place blame

solely on Rachel, creating a power imbalance and diminishing
Rachel's own valid reasons for not being able to ful!ll certain
commitments. Rachel may start questioning her own worth as
a friend and feeling unjustly criticized, while Sarah maintains
control over the friendship by manipulating the narrative.
I N THESE REAL - LIFE EXAMPLES , selective memory is used as a

manipulation tactic to distort the truth and exert control over
the relationship. It creates an environment of imbalance and
distrust, where one party's actions are magni!ed and selec‐
tively remembered while the other's are conveniently forgot‐
ten. Recognizing this manipulation tactic is essential for
establishing healthier and more equitable relationships.
• • •
107
E XAMPLES OF THINGS people with selective memory say:
1 "I genuinely don't remember saying that. Maybe you're just

trying to twist things against me."
2 "You conveniently forget all the times I've supported you,
but you always remember my mistakes."
3 "It's not worth dwelling on the past. Let's move forward
and focus on the good times."
4 "You're blowing it out of proportion. It wasn't as signi!‐
cant as you're making it out to be."
5 "I honestly can't recall that happening. Maybe your
memory is playing tricks on you."
108
Chapter 20
Tactic #20
Trivializing
Concerns
T
rivializing concerns is a manipulative tactic
commonly employed in relationships, where one
person downplays or dismisses the legitimate
concerns, feelings, or experiences of the other. This tactic aims
to undermine the validity and importance of the victim's
emotions, minimizing their concerns and leaving them feeling
unheard, invalidated, and powerless.
T HE MANIPULATOR MAY USE various strategies to trivialize

concerns, such as belittling, ridiculing, or mocking the other
person's worries or fears. They may use sarcasm, make light of
the situation, or even gaslight the victim by distorting their
perception of reality.
B Y TRIVIALIZING CONCERNS , the manipulator seeks to gain control

over the relationship dynamics. They aim to diminish the
victim's con!dence and assert their own superiority or author‐
109
ity. This tactic can create an atmosphere of emotional abuse,

eroding the victim's self-esteem and causing them to doubt
their own perceptions and experiences.
F OR INSTANCE , imagine a scenario where one partner expresses

their concerns about the lack of quality time spent together.
The manipulator responds with statements like, "You're over‐
reacting. It's not a big deal," or "Stop being so sensitive. You're
making a mountain out of a molehill." By trivializing the part‐
ner's concerns, the manipulator dismisses their need for
emotional connection and disregards their valid feelings.
T HE CONSEQUENCES of trivializing concerns in relationships can

be severe. It can lead to a breakdown in communication,
emotional distance, and a sense of isolation for the victim.
Over time, this manipulation tactic can erode trust, create
resentment, and contribute to an unhealthy power imbalance
in the relationship.
E XAMPLES OF TRIVIALIZING CONCERNS :
• L ET ' S consider a parent-child relationship between John and

his teenage daughter, Lily. Lily has been feeling overwhelmed
and stressed due to the heavy workload from school and
extracurricular activities. She musters the courage to share her
concerns with John, hoping for some understanding and
support. However, John trivializes her concerns by saying, "Oh,
come on! You think your workload is tough? Wait until you
have real responsibilities in the adult world."
110
• • •
I N THIS EXAMPLE , John dismisses Lily's legitimate worries about

her workload as insigni!cant and compares them unfavorably
to an imagined future hardship. By trivializing Lily's concerns,
John undermines her need for empathy and support, leaving
her feeling invalidated and discouraged from seeking his
understanding in the future. This pattern of trivializing
concerns can strain their relationship and hinder open
communication.
• L ET ' S examine a friendship between two individuals, Sarah

and Emma. Sarah has been struggling with self-esteem issues
and expresses her concerns to Emma, hoping for some encour‐
agement and reassurance. However, Emma trivializes her
concerns by responding, "Oh, stop being so insecure! You're
always overthinking things. Just get over it."
I N THIS REAL - LIFE EXAMPLE , Emma trivializes Sarah's deep-seated

insecurities, belittling her feelings by implying that they are
unwarranted or irrational. By doing so, Emma dismisses the
signi!cance of Sarah's concerns, leaving her feeling invalidated
and discouraged from seeking support from her friend. This
trivialization can strain their friendship and create a sense of
emotional distance between them.
• L ET ' S explore a workplace scenario between two colleagues,

Alex and Jamie. Alex has been expressing concerns about the
heavy workload and unrealistic deadlines to Jamie, hoping for
some understanding and collaboration. However, Jamie trivi‐
111
alizes these concerns by responding, "Everyone has a lot on

their plate. You just need to work harder and stop complaining.
It's not that big of a deal."
I N THIS REAL - LIFE EXAMPLE , Jamie dismisses Alex's valid concerns

about the workload by minimizing them as common chal‐
lenges faced by everyone. By trivializing the concerns, Jamie
invalidates Alex's need for support and implies that their
concerns are unwarranted or exaggerated. This behavior
undermines the collaborative atmosphere and can contribute
to increased stress and dissatisfaction in the workplace.
Examples of things people trivializing concerns say:
1 "Y OU ' RE MAKING a mountain out of a molehill. It's not as

signi"cant as you think."
2 "I can't believe you're upset about this. It's such a trivial
matter."
3 "You always "nd something to complain about. Can't you
just let it go?"
4 "You're blowing it out of proportion. It's not worth all
this fuss."
5 "Why do you always make everything about you? It's not
a big deal, so stop making it one."
112
Chapter 21
Tactic #21
Misrepresenting
Intentions
M
isrepresenting intentions is a manipulative tactic
often seen in various types of relationships,
including personal, professional, and romantic
ones. This tactic involves one party deliberately obscuring or
distorting their true intentions or motives, thereby creating a
facade of sincerity, goodwill, or benignity. In reality, however,
their hidden agenda may involve exploitation, control, or harm
to the other party.
M ISREPRESENTATION CAN MANIFEST in various ways, such as

deception, feigned ignorance, false promises, or even gaslight‐
ing, where a person attempts to make others doubt their
perceptions or memories.
T HE KEY ELEMENT in misrepresentation is deceit. The

manipulator deliberately conceals their actual intentions,
instead presenting a different narrative that serves their
113
purpose. This can lead to a profound breach of trust, causing

emotional and psychological harm to the person on the
receiving end.
M ISREPRESENTATION CAN ALSO FOSTER an environment of

uncertainty and insecurity, as the victim struggles to reconcile
the manipulator's words with their actions. This imbalance of
power can leave the victim feeling disoriented, invalidated,
and manipulated.
E XAMPLES OF MISREPRESENTING INTENTIONS :
• L ET ' S consider a professional relationship between two

colleagues, Alex and Bailey. Alex, the senior, has always shown
a great deal of interest in Bailey's career development. He often
invites Bailey to work on high-pro"le projects, claiming that
it's a learning opportunity.
H OWEVER , over time, Bailey notices that Alex never actually

provides any constructive feedback, instead taking credit for
the successful projects they've worked on together. Alex
always has an excuse for not attributing Bailey's contributions,
thus manipulating the situation to his advantage while
disguising his intentions as mentorship.
This misrepresentation of intentions has led to Bailey
working harder without getting due recognition, while Alex
leverages Bailey's work to improve his own standing in the
company.
• • •
114
• S ARAH AND M IKE are in a romantic relationship. Mike is

incredibly charming, always promising Sarah the world,
dreams of a house in the suburbs, kids, and a dog. He talks
about their future together, how they will grow old side by
side. Sarah, smitten by his seemingly genuine intentions, fully
commits to the relationship.
H OWEVER , over time, she starts noticing odd behavior. Mike's

promises of a future together never materialize into action. He
always has an excuse for why they can't move in together, why
they can't get a dog, or why they can't start planning for kids.
M IKE , the master manipulator, is using these promises of a

future to keep Sarah committed to the relationship, while he
enjoys the bene"ts without making any real commitments.
This is a classic case of misrepresenting intentions - Mike
painting a rosy picture of a future that he has no intention of
ful"lling.
• C ONSIDER the relationship between two friends, Julia and

Lucy. Julia constantly insists on paying for their outings,
claiming it's because she appreciates Lucy's company and
wants to show gratitude.
H OWEVER , she later uses this as leverage, making Lucy feel

indebted to her and manipulating her into doing things she
doesn't want to do. For instance, Julia might ask Lucy to
accompany her to an event that Lucy has no interest in,
115
reminding her of the times she paid for their meals and
outings.
I N THIS CASE , Julia is misrepresenting her intentions. Instead of

expressing genuine appreciation, she uses her generosity as a
control mechanism to manipulate Lucy's actions.
Examples of things people misrepresenting intentions say:
1 "I' M ONLY DOING this for your own good."

2 "Remember all those times I helped you? Now it's your
turn."
3 "Trust me, this is the best thing for both of us."
4 "I'm not trying to control you, I just care about you so
much."
5 "I know it seems tough now, but you'll thank me later."
116
Part Three
Social
Manipulation
Chapter 22
Tactic #22
Triangulation
T
riangulation is a manipulative tactic utilized in
diverse relationships, including romantic, familial,
and professional. At its core, triangulation involves
the use of a third party to manipulate a primary relationship.
The manipulator might use the third party as a means of
communication, a tool of comparison, or a way to create
rivalry, ultimately undermining the primary relationship or
enhancing their own power within it.
T RIANGULATION CAN TAKE VARIOUS FORMS . For instance, the

manipulator might relay messages through the third party,
creating misunderstandings and controlling the narrative.
Alternatively, they may pit the two parties against each other,
fostering jealousy, competition, or discord. By doing so, they
create an imbalance, keeping themselves in a position of
control.
• • •
119
T HE REPERCUSSIONS of triangulation are profound. It breeds

mistrust, confusion, and resentment, eroding the foundation
of the primary relationship. The victim may feel isolated,
undermined, or pitted against the third party, fostering a toxic
dynamic that bene!ts the manipulator.
Examples of triangulation:
• C ONSIDER A PROFESSIONAL SCENARIO : Emily, the team leader,

Mark, her subordinate, and Jake, a colleague from another
department. Emily often shares information about Mark's
performance with Jake, instead of directly addressing Mark.
S HE ALSO TELLS Mark what Jake allegedly said about his work,
which is often negative or critical. Emily is using Jake as a tool
for triangulation, thereby controlling the narrative and
creating a tense environment.
T HIS LEADS to misunderstandings and mistrust between Mark

and Jake, while Emily maintains control and power in the
situation.
• L ISA AND B EN are in a romantic relationship. Lisa's best friend,

Rachel, also happens to be close with Ben. Lisa starts telling
Ben about imaginary problems Rachel has with him, creating
tension between Ben and Rachel.
S IMULTANEOUSLY , Lisa tells Rachel about issues Ben supposedly

has with her, further stirring up con#ict. In both cases, Lisa is
120
inventing or exaggerating issues to create a rivalry between

Ben and Rachel.
T HIS TRIANGULATION ALLOWS Lisa to control both relationships,

manipulating the situation to her advantage while causing
mistrust and con"ict between Ben and Rachel.
• L ET ' S visualize a scenario in a small business. Sam, the

business owner, and his two employees, Tina and Fred. Instead
of directly addressing Tina about her performance issues, Sam
voices his concerns to Fred and asks him to relay the message.
M OREOVER , Sam frequently compares Tina and Fred's work,

praising Fred's efforts and using him as a benchmark for Tina.
This creates a sense of competition and tension between Tina
and Fred.
M EANWHILE , Sam stays in a position of control, using

triangulation as a tool to manipulate his employees and main‐
tain power within the business structure.
Examples of things people using triangulation say:
1 "I' VE HEARD from others that you've been struggling lately."

2 "You know, someone mentioned to me that they're not
happy with your work."
3 "I don't want to create tension, but I heard something
about you that I think you should know."
4 "You should really try to be more like them. They handle
121
things much better."

5 "It's not me who has a problem with this, it's them. I'm
just the messenger."
122
Chapter 23
Tactic #23 Isolating

From Friends and
Family
I
solation from friends and family is a pervasive and
damaging form of manipulation within relationships.
This technique involves the manipulator systematically
alienating their victim from their social support network,
thereby increasing the victim's dependency on the manipu‐
lator and creating an environment where manipulation and
control can thrive unchallenged.
T HE ISOLATION PROCESS can be subtle and gradual, beginning

with seemingly innocuous comments that sow seeds of doubt
about the victim's relationships with others. It may involve the
manipulator criticizing, belittling, or creating con"ict with the
victim's friends and family, or demanding an excessive amount
of the victim's time to create physical separation.
T HE ULTIMATE GOAL of this tactic is to create an environment

where the victim feels alone and unsupported, except by the
123
manipulator. The victim's sense of self, ability to make inde‐

pendent decisions, and overall mental and emotional health
can be profoundly affected. The manipulator, in contrast, gains
a heightened sense of power and control.
E XAMPLES OF ISOLATING from friends and family:
• C ONSIDER a romantic relationship between Alex and Casey.

Alex subtly starts to isolate Casey from her friends and family.
He begins by making small comments about Casey's closest
friends, hinting that they're not reliable or trustworthy.
H E CREATES scenarios that cause friction between Casey and her

loved ones, instigating misunderstandings that he insists are
not his fault. He also insists on spending more and more time
alone with Casey, gradually making her feel guilty about
spending time with others.
O VER TIME , Casey becomes more and more isolated, relying on

Alex for emotional support and companionship, which further
strengthens Alex's control over her.
• I MAGINE the story of Sarah and John, a couple in a seemingly

loving relationship. John, however, has a controlling streak. He
starts to isolate Sarah from her friends and family subtly.
• • •
124
I T BEGINS with John monopolizing Sarah's time, making plans

that coincidentally clash with her usual family gatherings or
outings with friends. He also starts making snide comments
about Sarah's best friend, sowing seeds of doubt about her
friend's intentions. When confronted, John plays the victim,
claiming he's only trying to protect Sarah.
O VER TIME , Sarah "nds herself increasingly distanced from her

loved ones, with John becoming her primary source of
emotional support. This isolation tactic has enabled John to
gain a disproportionate level of control over Sarah's life.
• L ET ' S consider a scenario involving a mother and her adult

daughter, Lily. The mother begins to isolate Lily from her
friends and family.
It starts with the mother criticizing Lily's partner, hinting
that he is not good enough for her. She then spreads rumors
about Lily's closest friends, causing misunderstandings and
friction. The mother insists on spending more and more time
with Lily, making her feel guilty for spending time with
others.
O VER TIME , Lily becomes more and more distanced from her
social circle, "nding herself relying solely on her mother for
emotional support. This manipulative tactic allows the mother
to control Lily's life to an unhealthy degree.
E XAMPLES OF THINGS people using isolation from friends and

family as a manipulation tactic say:
125
• • •
1 "Y OUR FRIENDS don't seem to understand you like I do."

2 "I've noticed your family always puts you down. We're
better off on our own."
3 "Why would you want to go out with them when you can
stay in with me?"
4 "I can't help but feel like your friends are trying to turn
you against me."
5 "Do you really need them? I should be enough for you."
126
Chapter 24
Tactic #24 Comparing

To Others
T
he tactic of Comparing to Others in relationships is a
manipulative strategy characterized by drawing
negative or disparaging comparisons between the
victim and other individuals. The intent is to create self-doubt,
lower self-esteem, and establish a power dynamic where the
victim feels inferior or inadequate.
T HE MANIPULATOR often employs this tactic subtly, making

offhand comments or observations that suggest the victim is
less competent, attractive, successful, or desirable compared to
others. By consistently making these comparisons, the manip‐
ulator can erode the victim's con"dence and sense of self-
worth, making them more dependent on the manipulator's
approval and validation.
A T ITS CORE , this tactic is about control. By making the victim

feel less than, the manipulator increases their own perceived
127
value and dominance in the relationship. It's a strategy

designed to keep the victim in a subservient or compliant role,
where they're more likely to tolerate other forms of abuse or
manipulation.
C OUNTERACTING this tactic involves fostering self-esteem,

establishing boundaries, and seeking external validation and
support. Individuals subjected to such manipulation should be
encouraged to challenge the negative comparisons, reaf!rm
their self-worth, and consider professional help if necessary.
E XAMPLES OF COMPARING TO OTHERS :
• C ONSIDER A COUPLE , Danielle and Robert. Robert often

compares Danielle with his ex-girlfriend, stating how she was
more organized, cooked better, or was more adventurous.
H E DOES THIS SUBTLY , often wrapping these comparisons in

jokes or offhand comments. These comparisons make Danielle
feel inadequate and anxious about her abilities, which in turn
makes her more reliant on Robert's approval, thereby
increasing his control over her.
• I MAGINE a friendship between Mia and Zoe. Zoe often

compares Mia to their other friends, pointing out how they are
more stylish, more outgoing, or more successful.
• • •
128
S HE WEAVES these comparisons into casual conversations,

disguising them as harmless observations. Over time, Mia
starts doubting her self-worth and becomes increasingly
dependent on Zoe's validation, which gives Zoe an unhealthy
level of in!uence over Mia's emotions and actions.
• P ICTURE A SCENARIO WITH A FATHER , Thomas, and his son,

Ethan. Thomas constantly compares Ethan to his older
brother, highlighting how his brother was a better athlete, got
better grades, or was more disciplined at Ethan's age.
T HESE COMPARISONS , often made under the guise of motivating

Ethan, make him feel inferior and anxious to live up to his
father's expectations. Over time, Ethan becomes more reliant
on his father's approval, giving Thomas a signi#cant level of
control over his self-esteem and actions.
E XAMPLES OF THINGS people using comparing to others as a

manipulation tactic say:
1 "Your sister always had her life together at your age. You
should take a leaf out of her book."
2 "You know, my ex never made me explain things twice.
She just got it."
3 "I can't help but notice how your coworkers always
outshine you during presentations."
4 "It's interesting how my friend's kids always listen to her.
I wish you could be more like them."
5 "I remember when I used to work with Jane, she would
have this done in no time."
129
Chapter 25
Tactic #25 Smear

Campaigns
A
Smear Campaign is a manipulative strategy used in
relationships, often by those with narcissistic tenden‐
cies or those looking to gain power and control. It
involves spreading false or misleading information about a
person with the aim of discrediting them, damaging their repu‐
tation, and undermining their relationships with others.
T HE INSTIGATOR of a Smear Campaign will often distort the

truth, play on people's prejudices, or exploit misunderstand‐
ings to paint the victim in a negative light. This can take many
forms, from spreading rumors and gossip, to making false
accusations, or casting the victim as the villain in a skewed
version of events.
S MEAR C AMPAIGNS ARE PARTICULARLY DAMAGING because they not

only harm the victim's reputation but also erode their social
130
support network. By tarnishing the victim's image among

friends, family, or coworkers, the manipulator can isolate the
victim, leaving them more vulnerable and dependent on the
manipulator.
E XAMPLES OF SMEAR CAMPAIGNS :
• L ET ' S consider a situation involving a couple, Laura and

Kevin. After their breakup, Kevin, feeling rejected and vengeful,
starts a Smear Campaign against Laura.
H E STARTS SPREADING rumors among their mutual friends that

Laura cheated on him, even though it's not true. He shares
personal and out-of-context details that make Laura appear in
a bad light.
A S A RESULT , some friends start distancing themselves from

Laura, believing Kevin's side of the story. Laura feels increas‐
ingly isolated and unfairly judged, which is the damaging
outcome that Kevin intended.
• Imagine an of#ce scenario where Alex and Sarah are both
contenders for a promotion. Alex, who is highly competitive
and unscrupulous, initiates a Smear Campaign against Sarah
to improve his chances.
H E BEGINS SPREADING gossip to coworkers, suggesting that Sarah

takes credit for others' work and that she's not a team player.
131
He even distorts past incidents to paint Sarah as the

antagonist.
O VER TIME , colleagues begin to doubt Sarah's integrity, and her

reputation suffers. This isolates Sarah in the workplace,
leaving her feeling victimized and tarnishing her professional
image, just as Alex intended.
• T HINK about a scenario involving two parents, Lisa and Mark,

who are going through a bitter custody battle. Mark, in an
attempt to gain full custody, starts a Smear Campaign against
Lisa.
H E TELLS their mutual acquaintances and even the children

that Lisa is an un"t mother who can't provide a stable home.
He exaggerates instances of Lisa's parenting to make her
appear negligent, even though she isn't. This not only damages
Lisa's reputation but also strains her relationship with her
children and mutual friends, which was Mark's intention.
Examples of things people using smear campaigns say:
1 "I DON ' T WANT to start rumors, but you really should know
what I've heard."
2 "It's not my business, but I think you deserve to know the
truth about them."
3 "Just between us, I've heard some things that might
change your mind about them."
4 "I wouldn't usually mention this, but I believe you should
be aware of what's going on."
132
5 "I was quite taken aback when I heard, but I feel it's only
fair you know."
133
Chapter 26
Tactic #26 Using Guilt

By Association
G
uilt by Association is a powerful manipulation
strategy often seen in relationships, in which the
manipulator besmirches a person's character,
actions, or beliefs based on their connection to another indi‐
vidual or group. This tactic is typically used to weaken some‐
one's credibility, sway how others view them, and control their
emotions and actions.
I N A RELATIONSHIP CONTEXT , Guilt by Association can be

leveraged to control or sway a partner by discrediting their
companions, family, or social circle. This can involve ascribing
negative attributes or behaviors of a person's af"liates to them,
even in the absence of any proof that they embody these char‐
acteristics. This leaves the victim feeling judged, sidelined, or
compelled to alter their behavior or associations.
• • •
134
F OR EXAMPLE , if one partner dislikes the other's friends due to

their lifestyle, they might resort to Guilt by Association to coax
their partner into distancing themselves from these friends.
They could insinuate that by maintaining a friendship with
such individuals, their partner must also approve of or engage
in the same behaviors.
I DENTIFYING and countering Guilt by Association necessitates

critical thinking, open dialogue, and respect for personal
boundaries. It's crucial not to let one's self-value or actions be
dictated by the unjust associations drawn by others.
E XAMPLES OF GUILT BY ASSOCIATION :
• I MAGINE a romantic relationship between Maria and Tom.

Maria has a close-knit group of friends from college who have
a reputation for partying hard. Tom, who is more of an intro‐
vert, disapproves of their lifestyle.
H E STARTS USING the Guilt by Association tactic, telling Maria

that her association with such friends re#ects poorly on her
character and implying that she must also have a reckless
attitude.
E VEN THOUGH M ARIA is quite responsible and doesn't participate

in their excesses, she starts feeling judged and self-conscious
about her friendships, leading to tension and con#ict in their
relationship.
135
• • •
• C ONSIDER the relationship between Anna and Ryan. Anna is

part of a book club that frequently debates contentious social
and political issues. Ryan, who holds staunch political views,
disapproves of some of the perspectives discussed in the club.
H E STARTS EMPLOYING the Guilt by Association tactic, accusing

Anna of endorsing views that contradict his, simply because
she is part of the club that debates them.
D ESPITE A NNA EXPLAINING that she enjoys the intellectual

stimulation and doesn't necessarily agree with all the views
discussed, Ryan's accusations make her feel judged and guilty
about her association with the book club.
• L ET ' S consider the professional relationship between two

colleagues, Nina and Sam. Nina is part of a department that
recently came under scrutiny for poor performance. Even
though Nina is a hardworking and responsible employee who
consistently meets her targets, Sam starts using the Guilt by
Association tactic.
H E SUGGESTS to their mutual colleagues that Nina's association

with the underperforming department indicates that she must
also be lacking in her duties. This unfair association causes
Nina to feel unjustly judged and misunderstood at work,
impacting her professional relationships and self-esteem.
• • •
136
E XAMPLES OF THINGS people using guilt by association say:
1 "T HE COMPANY you keep says a lot about you. Are you sure
they're the right in!uence?"
2 "Your brother's been in some shady situations. Can you
really say you're different?"
3 "Your department isn't known for its ef"ciency. It makes
me question your work ethic."
4 "Your friend group always seems to be in the middle of
drama. Are you part of that too?"
5 "You're often seen with people who have a bad reputa‐
tion. It's not a good look for you."
137
Chapter 27
Tactic #27 Demeaning

humor
D
emeaning humor is a cunning manipulation tactic
often observed in relationships. It involves one
person using humor to degrade, ridicule, or humil‐
iate their partner. Under the guise of jokes, sarcasm, or teasing,
the manipulator takes advantage of their partner's vulnerabil‐
ity, causing emotional harm and asserting control.
T HE NATURE of demeaning humor is to target the partner's

insecurities, weaknesses, or sensitive aspects of their identity.
It can take the form of derogatory comments about their
appearance, intelligence, abilities, or personal characteristics.
The manipulator capitalizes on the recipient's vulnerabilities,
using humor as a weapon to chip away at their self-esteem and
con"dence.
D EMEANING HUMOR HOLDS immense power due to its deceptive

nature. It blurs the line between jest and genuine insult,
138
leaving the victim confused and doubting their own emotions.

The manipulator often invalidates the partner's feelings by
dismissing them as hypersensitivity or an inability to take a
joke, further exacerbating the emotional turmoil.
I DENTIFYING demeaning humor requires attentiveness to the

dynamics of the relationship and the impact of the jokes.
Victims may experience a range of negative emotions,
including shame, embarrassment, and sadness.
E XAMPLES OF DEMEANING HUMOR :
• L ET ' S consider the relationship between Sarah and John. John

frequently uses demeaning humor as a manipulation tactic. He
often makes sarcastic remarks about Sarah's appearance,
jokingly calling her "the fashion disaster" or making
comments about her weight.
W HILE J OHN PRESENTS these remarks as jokes, they gradually

erode Sarah's self-esteem and con"dence. Over time, Sarah
starts feeling self-conscious about her appearance and begins
doubting herself.
J OHN ' S DEMEANING humor creates an unhealthy power dynamic

in the relationship, where Sarah feels inferior and dependent
on John's approval.
• • •
139
• I MAGINE a friendship between Lisa and Amy. Amy frequently

employs demeaning humor as a way to exert control. She often
mocks Lisa's intelligence, making snide comments and calling
her "the absent-minded professor." Amy passes these remarks
off as jokes, but they have a profound impact on Lisa's self-
con!dence and sense of worth.
L ISA STARTS DOUBTING her own intellect, feeling inadequate

compared to Amy. The demeaning humor creates an unbal‐
anced friendship, with Amy using her wit and humor to keep
Lisa submissive and unsure of herself.
• P ICTURE A SIBLING relationship between James and Emily.

James often uses demeaning humor to manipulate Emily. He
mocks her artistic pursuits, jokingly dismissing her talents and
calling her "the struggling artist."
A LTHOUGH J AMES FRAMES these comments as playful banter, they

gradually chip away at Emily's self-belief and passion for her
craft. She starts doubting her artistic abilities and feels
discouraged from pursuing her dreams.
J AMES ' S DEMEANING humor establishes a power dynamic where

he exerts control over Emily by belittling her passion and
sti$ing her creative expression.
Examples of things people using demeaning humor say:
1 "C AN ' T you take a joke? I thought you had a sense of humor."
140
2 "Come on, don't be so sensitive. It was just a lighthearted

jab."
3 "Why do you always have to take everything so seriously?
Learn to laugh at yourself."
4 "You're too uptight. I was just teasing, but I guess you
can't handle it."
5 "You're so touchy. I can't even make a harmless joke
without you getting offended."
141
Part Four
Control and
Power Dynamics
Chapter 28
Tactic #28 Negging
N
egging is a deceptive manipulation tactic
commonly observed in relationships, where one
person employs subtle insults, backhanded
compliments, or undermining remarks to undermine their
partner. The aim of negging is to erode the victim's self-
esteem, foster insecurity, and establish a power imbalance
where the manipulator holds control.
N EGGING OFTEN INVOLVES DELIVERING SEEMINGLY positive

comments that carry an underlying negativity or insult. The
manipulator may pinpoint perceived !aws, make unfavorable
comparisons, or target the partner's vulnerabilities to diminish
their self-con"dence. By keeping the victim off balance, the
manipulator seeks to create emotional dependence and
control.
• • •
145
T HE EFFECTIVENESS of negging lies in exploiting the victim's

desire for validation and approval. By alternating between
praise and criticism, the manipulator cultivates a sense of
uncertainty and makes the victim crave more compliments and
seek the manipulator's validation. This perpetuates an
unhealthy cycle of emotional dependency, with the victim
becoming increasingly reliant on the manipulator for a sense
of self-worth.
Examples of negging:
• L ET ' S consider a romantic relationship between Jack and

Emily. Jack frequently employs negging as a manipulation
tactic. He often comments on Emily's physical appearance,
making backhanded compliments such as, "You're pretty for
someone your size" or "You're not like other girls who wear so
much makeup."
T HESE REMARKS ARE INTENDED to make Emily question her self-

worth and feel insecure about her body or appearance. Over
time, Emily's self-esteem suffers, and she becomes increas‐
ingly dependent on Jack's validation to feel attractive or
accepted.
• C ONSIDER a relationship between Chris and Maya. Chris

frequently employs negging as a manipulation tactic. He often
makes comments about Maya's career choices, saying things
like, "It's impressive that you managed to get that job with
your lack of experience" or "You're lucky to have found a job
that doesn't require much skill."
• • •
146
B Y UNDERMINING Maya's professional achievements, Chris seeks

to create doubt and diminish her con!dence in her own abili‐
ties. Over time, Maya's self-esteem suffers, and she becomes
more reliant on Chris's approval and validation.
• L ET ' S imagine a friendship between Alex and Ryan. Alex uses

negging to exert control over Ryan. Whenever Ryan shares his
accomplishments, Alex responds with comments like, "That's
good for someone like you" or "I didn't expect you to achieve
something like that."
• B Y SUBTLY UNDERMINING Ryan's achievements, Alex aims to

diminish his self-con!dence and maintain a power dynamic
where Ryan seeks validation from Alex. Over time, Ryan's belief
in his own abilities wanes, and he becomes increasingly
dependent on Alex's opinion for validation and self-worth.
E XAMPLES OF THINGS people using negging say:
1 "Y OU ' RE SMARTER than you look. I guess appearances can be

deceiving."
2 "Wow, you actually managed to do that? Color me
impressed."
3 "I didn't think someone like you could handle a challenge
like that. Good job, I guess."
4 "You surprised me with that decision. I didn't think you
had it in you."
5 "I never expected you to come up with such an inter‐
esting idea. It's not what I usually see from you."
147
Chapter 29
Tactic #29
Controlling
Behavior
C
ontrolling behavior is a manipulative strategy
frequently employed in relationships, where one
person endeavors to establish dominance and
in!uence over their partner's thoughts, emotions, behaviors,
and choices. This tactic encompasses a range of actions
designed to seize power, impose obedience, and curtail the
partner's individuality.
C ONTROLLING behavior may manifest through various means,

including surveillance, isolation, imposing rigid regulations,
eroding self-esteem, and resorting to threats or intimidation.
By exploiting their partner's vulnerabilities and fostering
dependency, the manipulator cultivates an environment of
fear, uncertainty, and submissiveness.
T HE OBJECTIVE of controlling behavior is to undermine the

partner's self-con"dence, independence, and ability to make
148
decisions autonomously. Consequently, the manipulator

creates a power dynamic where their own desires and needs
take precedence, at the expense of the partner's well-being.
I DENTIFYING CONTROLLING behavior necessitates astute

observation of recurring patterns and their impact on the
victim. Signs may include restrictions on personal freedoms,
constant monitoring, fear or anxiety surrounding decision-
making, and a gradual erosion of self-assurance. Victims of
controlling behavior often feel trapped, powerless, and
emotionally depleted, as their autonomy and agency are grad‐
ually eroded.
E XAMPLES OF CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR :
• L ET ' S consider the relationship between Sarah and Mark.

Mark exhibits controlling behavior as a manipulation tactic.
He constantly monitors Sarah's activities, demanding to know
where she is, whom she interacts with, and what she does.
H E ISOLATES her from friends and family, insisting that

spending time with anyone other than him is a betrayal. Mark
imposes strict rules on Sarah's behavior, dictating what she
can wear, whom she can communicate with, and even how she
should express herself.
A NY DEVIATION from his expectations results in anger, threats, or

guilt-tripping. Over time, Sarah becomes fearful and depen‐
149
dent on Mark for approval and guidance, eroding her sense of

self and freedom.
• L ET ' S explore a friendship between Alex and Emma. Alex

exhibits controlling behavior in their relationship. They
constantly monitor Emma's social media accounts, demanding
explanations for her interactions and posts.
A LEX MANIPULATES Emma's time and energy, insisting on

spending excessive amounts of time together and becoming
resentful when she wants to engage in activities outside their
friendship. They belittle Emma's opinions and interests,
dismissing them as insigni"cant and unworthy of attention.
A LEX EVEN EMPLOYS tactics of guilt and intimidation to keep

Emma under their control, making her feel anxious about
making decisions without their approval. As a result, Emma's
self-esteem diminishes, and she increasingly relies on Alex for
validation and decision-making.
• I MAGINE A SIBLING relationship between Alex and Sarah. Alex

exhibits controlling behavior towards Sarah. They constantly
dictate Sarah's schedule, deciding how she spends her time
and with whom she interacts.
T HEY MANIPULATE Sarah's choices and decisions by making her

feel guilty or responsible for their own happiness. Alex also
150
seeks to isolate Sarah from friends and activities they disap‐

prove of, attempting to keep her within their in"uence.
T HEY BELITTLE Sarah's aspirations and dreams, undermining

her ambitions and making her doubt her own abilities. As a
result, Sarah feels suffocated, powerless, and deprived of
personal autonomy.
Examples of things people using controlling behavior say:
1 "I' M the only one who truly understands you. No one else can
handle you."
2 "Your friends don't really care about you. They're just
trying to in"uence you."
3 "You're so lost without my guidance. Trust me, I know
what's good for you."
4 "Without me, you'd be nothing. I've shaped you into the
person you are."
5 "You shouldn't make any major decisions without my
approval. I have your best interests at heart."
151
Chapter 30
Tactic #30 Financial

Control
F
inancial control is a cunning manipulation tactic
commonly observed in relationships, where one
person manipulates and exploits the !nancial
resources of their partner to establish power and control. It
encompasses various strategies, including restricting access to
money, limiting !nancial independence, and misusing funds
for personal gain.
F INANCIAL CONTROL MAY TAKE different forms, such as

withholding funds, denying the partner access to !nancial
resources, or imposing strict rules on spending. The manipu‐
lator creates an environment of dependency and reliance,
making the partner feel vulnerable and subservient to their
!nancial whims.
T HE AIM of !nancial control is to create an unequal power

dynamic, leaving the victim feeling trapped, powerless, and
152
!nancially dependent on the manipulator. By controlling the

money, the manipulator can undermine the partner's auton‐
omy, decision-making abilities, and overall well-being.
E XAMPLES OF FINANCIAL CONTROL :
• L ET ' S consider the relationship between Sarah and Mark.

Mark displays !nancial control as a manipulation tactic. He
systematically restricts Sarah's access to money by giving her a
limited allowance and monitoring her expenses closely.
H E INSISTS on controlling all !nancial decisions, including

major purchases, investments, and even minor expenses. Mark
frequently criticizes Sarah's spending choices, making her feel
guilty and inadequate whenever she wants to spend money on
herself.
H E ALSO USES !nancial resources as a tool of punishment or

reward, withholding money as a means to control her behav‐
ior. Over time, Sarah becomes !nancially dependent on Mark,
losing her sense of !nancial autonomy and feeling trapped in
the relationship.
• I MAGINE a partnership between Alex and Emma. Alex

exhibits financial control as a manipulation tactic. They take
full control of all financial matters, including Emma's income
and savings. They use money as a means to assert domi‐
nance and impose their desires on Emma, dictating how
153
money is spent and ensuring their own needs are

prioritized.
A LEX RESTRICTS Emma's access to funds, providing only a

meager allowance and closely monitoring her expenses. They
manipulate "nancial resources to make Emma dependent on
them and ensure compliance with their wishes. As a result,
Emma's "nancial independence erodes, and she feels trapped
and powerless within the relationship.
• I MAGINE a friendship between Alex and Sarah. Alex displays

"nancial control as a manipulation tactic. They frequently lend
money to Sarah under the guise of support, but then use this
"nancial leverage to control her decisions and actions.
A LEX DICTATES how Sarah should spend her money, often

insisting that she repay the loans in a particular way or that
she owes them favors in return. By constantly holding the
"nancial debt over Sarah's head, Alex creates a power dynamic
where Sarah feels obligated to comply with their demands.
S ARAH ' S "nancial freedom is restricted, and she becomes

emotionally trapped in the friendship, feeling indebted and
manipulated.
E XAMPLES OF THINGS people using "nancial control say:

• • •
154
1 "I HANDLE all the !nances because I'm better at managing

money than you are."
2 "You don't need access to our bank accounts. I'll take care
of everything."
3 "I make all the !nancial decisions because I know what's
best for both of us."
4 "Why do you need your own money? I provide for you, so
you should be grateful."
5 "I'm just looking out for your best interests by controlling
the money."
155
Chapter 31
Tactic #31
Intimidation
I
ntimidation is a manipulative strategy frequently
observed in relationships, where one person employs
fear, threats, or coercion to control and manipulate
their partner. It encompasses a range of behaviors, such as
aggressive posturing, raised voices, physical intimidation, or
the use of threatening language.
T HE INTENTION behind intimidation is to establish power and

dominance by instilling fear, vulnerability, and compliance in
the partner. The manipulator seeks to create an environment
where their own desires and needs take precedence, leaving
the partner feeling frightened and submissive.
I DENTIFYING intimidation tactics requires attentiveness to

patterns of threatening behavior, coercive language, or
displays of aggression. Victims may experience a range of
negative emotions, such as anxiety, depression, or a dimin‐
156
ished sense of self-worth, as they navigate the cycle of intim‐

idation.
E XAMPLES OF INTIMIDATION :
• L ET ' S consider the relationship between Emma and David.

David employs intimidation as a manipulation tactic. During
arguments, he frequently raises his voice, slams his "st on the
table, and invades Emma's personal space.
H E USES INTIMIDATING gestures and aggressive body language to

create a climate of fear and submission. David often makes
veiled threats, such as saying, "You better watch your step, or
else there will be consequences."
E MMA BECOMES INCREASINGLY fearful of his outbursts and alters

her behavior to avoid triggering his anger. Over time, Emma's
self-esteem diminishes, and she feels trapped in the relation‐
ship, constantly walking on eggshells to appease David and
prevent further intimidation.
• L ET ' S consider a romantic relationship between Tom and

Sarah. Tom utilizes intimidation as a manipulation tactic.
During arguments, he resorts to aggressive posturing, slam‐
ming doors, and punching walls to instill fear in Sarah. He also
makes explicit threats, such as saying, "If you leave me, I'll ruin
your life" or "You're lucky I don't hit you."
• • •
157
T HESE INTIMIDATING behaviors create a constant atmosphere of

fear and apprehension for Sarah, causing her to feel trapped
and unable to assert her needs or leave the relationship. Over
time, the repeated intimidation erodes Sarah's self-con!dence,
leaving her emotionally dependent on Tom's approval and
control.
• I MAGINE a parent-child relationship between Laura and Alex.

Alex utilizes intimidation as a manipulation tactic. When
Laura fails to meet their high expectations, Alex resorts to
shouting, demeaning comments, and aggressive body
language to instill fear in Laura. They threaten to withdraw
!nancial support or cut off contact with Laura's friends and
loved ones as a way to control her.
T HIS INTIMIDATING BEHAVIOR creates a climate of constant anxiety

and insecurity for Laura, leading her to conform to Alex's
demands out of fear of the consequences. As a result, Laura's
self-esteem suffers, and she becomes emotionally reliant on
Alex's approval, perpetuating the power dynamic of intim‐
idation.
Examples of things people using intimidation say:
1 "Y OU BETTER DO AS I say, or else there will be serious

consequences."
2 "Nobody else would want you. You're lucky to have
someone like me."
3 "You think you can leave? I'll make sure your life becomes
a living hell."
158
4 "I can't believe you would even consider going against

me. You know what I'm capable of."
5 "You're nothing without me. I'm the only one who can
protect you."
159
Chapter 32
Tactic #32 Passive-

Aggressive Behavior
P
assive-aggressive behavior is a complex and
multifaceted psychological construct, often mani‐
fested as a manipulation tactic in interpersonal rela‐
tionships. This form of behavior typically involves indirect
resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct
confrontation. It is characterized by a pattern of passive
hostility and an unwillingness or refusal to communicate
openly or directly.
I N THE CONTEXT OF RELATIONSHIPS , passive-aggressive behavior

can serve as a powerful and covert manipulation tool. Individ‐
uals employing this tactic might outwardly agree with their
partners, while inwardly dissenting or obstructing their part‐
ners' wishes or needs. This could take the form of procrastina‐
tion, forgetfulness, or deliberate inef"ciency. The intention is
often to exert control or to express anger or resentment
without appearing confrontational or aggressive.
• • •
160
P ASSIVE - AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR CAN BE INSIDIOUSLY damaging to

relationships, as it fosters an environment of mistrust,
miscommunication, and resentment. It is a defensive mecha‐
nism that allows individuals to avoid direct confrontation or
uncomfortable feelings, while still expressing their dissatisfac‐
tion or anger. The lack of clear communication can lead to
misunderstandings, frustration, and a breakdown in relation‐
ship dynamics.
M OREOVER , passive-aggressive behavior in relationships can be

a form of emotional abuse, particularly when it is chronic and
systemic. The manipulation can lead to a power imbalance,
causing the victim to question their own perceptions and
experiences - a phenomenon known as gaslighting. This can
result in the victim feeling helpless, confused, or doubting
their own sanity.
E XAMPLES OF PASSIVE - AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR :
• C ONSIDER A SCENARIO INVOLVING A COUPLE , Alex and Jordan. Alex

asks Jordan to help with the weekly grocery shopping. Jordan
agrees, but come shopping day, Jordan spends the entire
morning playing video games, claiming they "forgot" about
the shopping. This scenario repeats over several weeks.
Jordan's behavior can be seen as passive-aggressive. Although
they outwardly agree to help, their consistent forgetfulness
and procrastination serve to undermine Alex's request.
• • •
161
T HE IMPACT of Jordan's behavior is multi-faceted. Not only does

it burden Alex with the sole responsibility of grocery shopping,
but it also creates an environment of frustration and mistrust.
Alex may start to feel that they cannot rely on Jordan, which
could strain the relationship. Despite their non-confronta‐
tional approach, Jordan's passive-aggressive behavior serves to
express a hidden resentment or exert control over the
situation.
• L ET ' S consider a workplace scenario involving two

colleagues, Sam and Patricia. Sam is the team lead, and he
assigns Patricia an important task with a clear deadline.
Patricia outwardly agrees to complete the task on time.
However, when the deadline approaches, Patricia informs Sam
that she won't be able to complete it due to unforeseen circum‐
stances. This incident repeats several times, with Patricia
always having a plausible reason for her delay.
T HIS IS a classic example of passive-aggressive behavior.

Patricia outwardly agrees to Sam's requests, but her consistent
failure to meet deadlines undermines his authority and
disrupts the team's work"ow. It also places an undue burden
on other team members who might have to compensate for
Patricia's delays. Despite Patricia's apparent compliance, her
actions reveal a pattern of resistance and a lack of commitment
to the team's objectives.
• C ONSIDER A SITUATION INVOLVING SIBLINGS , Emily and David.

Emily is older and often #nds herself taking care of household
chores. She asks David to help by taking out the trash regu‐
162
larly. David agrees to this but consistently fails to follow

through, leaving the trash for Emily to deal with. When Emily
confronts him, he shrugs it off as a simple oversight, promising
to remember next time. However, the pattern continues, with
David's promises remaining unful!lled.
T HIS EXAMPLE REFLECTS PASSIVE - AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR . David's

agreement to help, followed by consistent failure to do so, indi‐
cates a subtle form of resistance. Despite avoiding direct
confrontation, his actions communicate a hidden de!ance and
unwillingness to share responsibilities, straining the sibling
relationship and leaving Emily feeling frustrated and
unsupported.
E XAMPLES OF THINGS people being passive-aggressive say:
1 "O H , did you need that done today? I must have missed that
detail."
2 "I totally meant to do it, just slipped my mind, you know
how it is."
3 "It's just that your instructions weren't all that clear, you
know."
4 "Of course, I'll do it, just need to !nd the right...mood."
5 "Well, I promised I'd do it, didn't I? Just didn't specify
when."
163
Chapter 33
Tactic #33 Spying And

Monitoring
S
pying and monitoring, in the context of relationships,
refers to the invasive and controlling behavior where
one party consistently surveils the other. This may
involve physically following them, checking their personal
communications or internet activity, or otherwise invading
their privacy to gather information. While a certain level of
openness and transparency is healthy in relationships, this
behavior is often manipulative and harmful, breaching trust
and autonomy. It can stem from a variety of sources, including
insecurity, jealousy, control issues, or a distorted belief system
about the norms of a relationship.
S PYING and monitoring can have severe impacts on the person

being monitored. It can lead to feelings of violation, fear,
anxiety, and can erode trust in the relationship. This type of
manipulation can also lead to social isolation if the person
being spied on withdraws from friends and family due to
fear of further surveillance. It's essential to recognize these
164
signs and take necessary actions to maintain safety and

wellbeing.
I N SEVERE CASES , spying and monitoring may qualify as stalking,

which is a criminal offense in many jurisdictions. If someone is
experiencing this level of invasive behavior, it's crucial to seek
help from legal authorities, a counselor, or a domestic violence
hotline.
E XAMPLES OF SPYING AND MONITORING :
• A N EXAMPLE of spying and monitoring in a relationship might

involve a person named Alex and their partner, Jamie. Jamie
may start to feel that Alex is becoming possessive and control‐
ling. Alex frequently checks Jamie's phone messages, emails,
and social media, often without Jamie's knowledge or consent.
Alex might also insist on knowing where Jamie is at all times,
who they are with, and what they are doing. This behavior
starts to create a tense and uncomfortable environment. Jamie
feels like their privacy is being violated and begins to question
Alex's trust in the relationship.
O VER TIME , this constant surveillance and lack of trust can lead
to feelings of anxiety and fear in Jamie. They begin to with‐
draw from social activities and friends in an attempt to avoid
further con"ict. This isolation, combined with the ongoing
invasion of their privacy, can make Jamie feel trapped and
controlled, leading to a deterioration in their mental health
and overall wellbeing.
165
• • •
• C ONSIDER a different scenario involving two individuals, Mark

and Lisa. Mark is a tech enthusiast, while Lisa is an artist with
limited knowledge of digital platforms. Mark uses this to his
advantage to keep a track on Lisa. He installs GPS tracking soft‐
ware on her phone under the pretext of helping her navigate
the city. Lisa, unaware of Mark's ulterior motives, appreciates
his help initially.
H OWEVER , Mark starts to use this tool to monitor Lisa's

whereabouts constantly, even questioning her about the places
she visits and the people she meets. When Lisa begins to notice
Mark's unusual interest in her daily routines, she feels invaded
and uncomfortable. Mark's constant monitoring and ques‐
tioning about her whereabouts makes Lisa feel untrusted and
controlled, causing severe distress and anxiety.
• I MAGINE A COUPLE , David and Rebecca. David, an introverted

writer, values his solitude. However, Rebecca, an extroverted
social butter"y, misunderstands his need for space as a sign of
disinterest or in#delity. Instead of addressing her concerns
directly with David, she decides to snoop on his life.
S HE STARTS by casually asking David's friends about his

whereabouts and activities. Soon, her curiosity spirals into an
obsession. She starts going through his drawers, checking his
notebooks, and even reading his personal manuscripts. She
interrogates him about every phone call, every email, every
hour spent alone.
166
• • •
D AVID , once comfortable in his solitude, now !nds himself

walking on eggshells. He feels his space shrinking, his
creativity sti"ing under Rebecca's constant scrutiny. The rela‐
tionship, once a source of inspiration for David, now becomes
a prison, a constant source of anxiety. This example showcases
how spying and monitoring can destroy the peace and sanctity
of personal space, turning even the safest havens into uncom‐
fortable territories.
Examples of things people spying and monitoring say:
1 "I SAW you smiling at your phone. Who's making you so

happy? It's certainly not me."
2 "You've been quiet lately. Are you chatting with someone
new behind my back?"
3 "I noticed you've been spending a lot of time with your
new colleague. Are they more interesting than me?"
4 "Your browser history was cleared. Were you searching
for something you didn't want me to see?"
5 "Why do you need to hang out with your friends so often?
Can't you spend that time with me instead?
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Chapter 34
Tactic #34
Overstepping
Boundaries
O
verstepping boundaries in interpersonal
relationships is a manipulation tactic character‐
ized by intruding into a partner's personal,
emotional, or physical space beyond their comfort. It's a
subtle, yet damaging act of control, often leaving the recipient
feeling violated, disrespected, and powerless.
I N RELATIONSHIPS , boundaries serve as invisible lines that

safeguard personal space, de"ne individual autonomy, and set
expectations for acceptable behavior. They are personal rules
of engagement that respect the individuality of each partner.
When these boundaries are crossed, it signi"es a lack of
respect for the other's autonomy and personal rights.
O VERSTEPPING boundaries can take myriad forms - incessant

prying into personal matters, unwarranted advice, disre‐
168
specting personal space, disregarding decisions, or monopo‐

lizing the partner's time. This could also extend to controlling
personal aspects like friendships, hobbies, or career choices,
thereby restricting the partner's freedom.
T HE VICTIM OFTEN FEELS ENGULFED , their sense of self eroded over

time due to the constant invasion of their personal space. The
relationship turns into a suffocating trap, damaging their self-
esteem and causing immense emotional distress.
R ECOGNIZING and addressing such toxic behavior is crucial.

Asserting one's boundaries and seeking help if needed, is key
to reclaiming personal autonomy and fostering healthier rela‐
tionships. It's essential to remember that every individual
deserves respect for their personal boundaries, and any viola‐
tion thereof is an infringement of their personal rights.
E XAMPLES OF OVERSTEPPING BOUNDARIES :
• C ONSIDER a relationship between Tara and Sam. Tara loves

painting and often spends her weekends immersed in her art.
This is her personal time, a boundary she has clearly communi‐
cated to Sam. However, Sam frequently disregards this and insists
on spending this time together, often resulting in arguments.
S AM ALSO TENDS to interfere in Tara's personal decisions. For

example, when Tara decides to take a painting class, Sam
169
dismisses it as a waste of time and money, instead pushing her

to enroll in a business course that aligns more with his inter‐
ests. Sam constantly disregards Tara's personal boundaries,
infringing on her personal space and decisions.
A S TIME PASSES , Tara feels sti"ed and disrespected. Her once

cherished personal space feels invaded, and she feels pressured
into making decisions that don't resonate with her. This over‐
stepping of boundaries causes signi#cant strain in their rela‐
tionship, with Tara feeling controlled and manipulated.
• P ICTURE A SCENARIO INVOLVING TWO INDIVIDUALS , Emily and Jake.

Emily is a social butter"y with a vibrant circle of friends, and
she cherishes her time with them. However, Jake constantly
insists on accompanying her to every gathering, despite
Emily's repeated requests for occasional outings without him.
J AKE ALSO TENDS to overstep boundaries when it comes to

Emily's personal space. He frequently goes through her
personal belongings, reads her messages, and questions her
about her conversations with friends. Despite Emily's protests
and clear communication about her discomfort, Jake dismisses
her feelings, justifying his actions as concern or love.
O VER TIME , Emily starts feeling suffocated and trapped. Her

social life, which was once her sanctuary, now becomes a
source of stress and con"ict. Jake's constant disregard for her
personal boundaries has turned their relationship into a claus‐
170
trophobic cage, leaving Emily feeling controlled and

manipulated.
• T O PROVIDE ANOTHER EXAMPLE , let's consider the relationship

between Laura and Ben. Laura is a !tness enthusiast and
spends an hour each morning at the gym - this is her 'me time'.
However, Ben consistently invades this boundary by insisting
that they should work out together.
B EN also frequently violates Laura's emotional boundaries. He

often dismisses her feelings, trivializing her concerns and
emotions. For instance, when Laura shares her feelings about a
stressful day at work, Ben tends to downplay her experiences,
telling her that she's overreacting or that her job isn't that
tough.
O VER TIME , Laura feels unheard and invalidated. Ben's

continuous overstepping of her boundaries leaves her feeling
disrespected and manipulated. This imbalance in their rela‐
tionship creates an environment of discomfort and tension, as
Laura's personal and emotional boundaries are consistently
violated.
Examples of things people overstepping boundaries say:
1 "W HY DO you need 'me time'? We should be sharing

everything."
2 "I went through your messages. I was just worried about
you, that's all."
171
3 "I've decided we're going vegan. It's healthier, and you'll

thank me later."
4 "You don't need to go out with your friends tonight. Stay
home with me instead."
5 "I know you like your space, but I'm your partner. I
should be allowed to be with you whenever I want."
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Chapter 35
Tactic #35 Fostering

Codependency
F
ostering codependency is a subtle yet potent
manipulation tactic in relationships, where one
partner deliberately induces an extreme reliance on
them by the other. The objective is to create a dynamic where
the manipulated partner feels unable to function indepen‐
dently, thereby placing the power "rmly in the manipulator's
hands.
C ODEPENDENCY INVOLVES an unhealthy level of emotional

reliance. The manipulated partner is made to feel that their
self-worth, validation, and even happiness hinge entirely on
their manipulative partner. The manipulator, in turn, rein‐
forces this dependency, ensuring their partner feels helpless
without them.
T HIS TACTIC CAN MANIFEST in various forms, such as encouraging

over-dependency, eliciting extreme emotional responses, or
173
exerting control over the other's decisions and actions. The

manipulator often creates scenarios that make the other
person feel incapable without their assistance, thereby intensi‐
fying the dependency and their control.
E XAMPLES OF FOSTERING CODEPENDENCY :
• C ONSIDER the relationship between Lisa and Tom. Lisa is

emotionally insecure and Tom exploits this to make her exces‐
sively reliant on him. He does this by constantly criticizing her
decisions, making her feel incapable and incompetent. When
Lisa attempts to socialize with friends, Tom suggests that they
don't truly care about her, further isolating her and making her
more dependent on him for emotional support.
T OM ALSO CONTROLS the "nances in their relationship, which

further exacerbates Lisa's dependency. He convinces Lisa that
he's better at managing money, and it's in their best interest if
he handles all "nancial decisions. This effectively leaves Lisa
"nancially dependent on Tom, further shifting the balance of
power in his favor.
O VER TIME , Lisa's self-esteem declines, and she becomes

increasingly isolated and reliant on Tom. She begins to believe
she cannot function independently, thus becoming trapped in
a cycle of codependency.
• • •
174
• L ET ' S consider another example involving Rachel and Alex.

Rachel is relatively new to the city and does not have a strong
social network yet. Alex, who is a local, uses this situation to
make Rachel excessively reliant on him. He often discourages
her from making new friends, subtly insinuating that people in
the city are not trustworthy.
A LEX ALSO TAKES control of their social activities, always

deciding where to go and whom to meet. He frames this as him
being knowledgeable about the city, further convincing Rachel
of her dependence on him. This manipulation isolates Rachel,
making her feel that she cannot navigate the city or social situ‐
ations without him.
A S TIME PASSES , Rachel "nds herself increasingly dependent on

Alex. Her isolation and Alex's constant reinforcement of her
helplessness make her believe that she cannot function in the
city without him. This dependency ensures that Alex main‐
tains control, successfully fostering a codependent rela‐
tionship.
• Picture a relationship between Sarah and Mike. Sarah is
just starting her career and is still navigating professional chal‐
lenges. Mike, who is more established in his career, uses this to
make Sarah excessively dependent on him. He often belittles
her professional achievements, making her feel incompetent.
He further manipulates her by insisting that she will only
succeed professionally with his guidance and in#uence.
M IKE ALSO TAKES control of their "nancial decisions, arguing

that his experience makes him more equipped to handle
175
money. This manipulation leaves Sarah !nancially dependent

on Mike, enhancing his control over her.
O VER TIME , Sarah's con!dence in her professional abilities

declines, and she becomes more reliant on Mike for career and
!nancial decisions. She starts believing that she can't succeed
professionally or manage her !nances without him. This rein‐
forces the codependent relationship, strengthening Mike's
control over Sarah's life.
E XAMPLES OF THINGS people fostering codependency say:
1 "Y OU CAN ' T HANDLE this situation without me. Let me take
care of it."
2 "You're lucky to have me. Without me, you wouldn't be
able to manage."
3 "I should handle our !nances. You're too careless with
money."
4 "You don't need anyone else but me. Your friends don't
really care about you."
5 "Remember, your professional success depends on my
guidance."
176
Chapter 36
Tactic #36 Creating A

Sense Of Obligation
C
reating a sense of obligation is a crafty
manipulation tactic employed in relationships,
wherein one person coerces the other into a sense
of indebtedness. The manipulator leverages this sentiment of
owing a favor to exert control over their partner.
I N SUCH DYNAMICS , the manipulator often showers their partner

with gifts, favors, or seemingly benevolent actions. But these
acts are far from sel!ess – they're strategic moves intended to
instill a feeling of obligation in the recipient. Once the manipu‐
lator succeeds in creating this sense of debt, they utilize it to
manipulate their partner into submission, often inciting guilt
if their demands or wishes aren't met.
T HIS MANIPULATION CAN BE QUITE elusive and damaging, as it

manipulates social norms of reciprocity, making the victim feel
caught in a perpetual cycle of repayment. This not only creates
177
an imbalance in the relationship, but it also burdens the

manipulated partner with a persistent feeling of indebtedness.
I N HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS , gestures of goodwill are offered

without any ulterior motives or expectations of reciprocation.
Being able to identify this tactic of manipulation is crucial in
preserving a balanced and respectful relationship.
E XAMPLES OF CREATING a sense of obligation:
• A REAL - LIFE EXAMPLE involves the relationship between Emily

and Robert. Robert often buys Emily expensive gifts and
surprises her with grand gestures. He constantly reminds her
of the time, effort, and money he puts into these actions. When
Emily expresses discomfort with the extravagant nature of
these gifts, Robert dismisses her concerns, saying he enjoys
doing these things for her.
H OWEVER , over time, Robert starts to use these gifts as a tool for
manipulation. He begins to guilt Emily when she doesn't
acquiesce to his demands or wishes. He reminds her of all the
things he's done for her, implying that she owes him. This
creates a sense of obligation in Emily, who feels pressured to
comply with Robert's demands to repay him for his generosity.
E VENTUALLY , Emily !nds herself in a cycle of obligation, feeling

as if she constantly owes Robert something because of his
previous acts of generosity. This sense of obligation gives
178
Robert more control over Emily and the dynamics of their rela‐
tionship.
• I MAGINE a relationship between Susan and Mark. Mark

frequently surprises Susan with lavish gifts and takes her on
unexpected trips. He reminds her of the time, money, and
thought he invests into making her happy. When Susan voices
her unease about these grand gestures, Mark brushes it off,
stating that he enjoys making her happy.
A S TIME GOES BY , Mark begins to use these gestures as leverage.

He guilts Susan when she doesn't comply with his wishes,
reminding her of all the things he's done for her, hinting that
she is indebted to him. This creates a sense of obligation in
Susan, making her feel like she needs to reciprocate or satisfy
his demands to repay his past generosity.
O VER TIME , Susan "nds herself trapped in a cycle of obligation,

feeling like she is perpetually in debt to Mark due to his past
actions. This sense of obligation allows Mark to exert more
control over Susan and their relationship dynamics.
• L ET ' S consider a different scenario involving Peter and Laura.

Peter is always ready to help Laura, whether it's "xing things
around the house, helping her with work projects, or even
resolving con#icts with her friends. He often reminds Laura of
how much he does for her and how he's always there when she
needs help.
• • •
179
H OWEVER , Peter's helpfulness isn't as sel!ess as it appears.

When Peter wants something from Laura, he brings up all the
times he's helped her in the past. He insists that she owes him
for all the favors he's done for her, creating a sense of obliga‐
tion in Laura.
F OR INSTANCE , Peter might want Laura to accompany him to an

event she's not interested in. If she initially declines, he'll
remind her of the times he's helped her, subtly implying that
she owes him. Feeling indebted, Laura agrees to go to the
event, even though she doesn't want to.
O VER TIME , this cycle of obligation continues, with Peter

constantly reminding Laura of her perceived debt. Laura feels
trapped, always needing to repay Peter for his past actions.
This sense of obligation gives Peter more control over the rela‐
tionship, subtly manipulating Laura into doing what he wants.
Examples of things people creating a sense of obligation
say:
1 "A FTER ALL I' VE done for you, the least you can do is this
for me."
2 "I never ask for anything in return, but this time I really
need your help."
3 "I've always been there for you when you needed me,
now it's your turn."
4 "Remember when I helped you with that big project?
Now, I need your support."
5 "I don’t keep score, but I’ve done so much for you. Can’t
you do this one thing for me?"
180
Chapter 37
Tactic #37 Exploiting

Personal Weaknesses
E
xploiting personal weaknesses is a manipulation tactic
that involves using someone's vulnerabilities or inse‐
curities against them. This strategy is often used in
relationships to gain power or control over the other person.
M ANIPULATORS WHO EMPLOY this tactic are adept at identifying

their partner's weaknesses. These could be insecurities about
their appearance, fears about their competence, or anxieties
about their worthiness. Once these weaknesses are identi"ed,
the manipulator will exploit them to make the other person
feel inadequate or inferior, thereby gaining power over them.
F OR INSTANCE , if a person is insecure about their intellectual

capabilities, the manipulator might constantly undermine
their opinions or belittle their ideas, making them feel less
intelligent and more reliant on the manipulator's judgement.
This can lead to a power imbalance in the relationship, with
181
the manipulated person often feeling powerless and depen‐

dent on the manipulator.
E XPLOITING personal weaknesses is a particularly insidious

form of manipulation because it takes advantage of the very
things that make us human - our vulnerabilities and inse‐
curities.
E XAMPLES OF EXPLOITING PERSONAL WEAKNESSES :
• A REAL - WORLD EXAMPLE could involve the relationship between

Claire and Mike. Claire, despite being talented, has always
been insecure about her singing ability due to harsh criticism
she received in her past. Mike, her partner, is well aware of
Claire's insecurity.
I NSTEAD OF SUPPORTING Claire and encouraging her to overcome

her fear, Mike exploits her insecurity to control her. Whenever
Claire expresses an interest in taking singing lessons or
performing in public, Mike subtly discourages her, reminding
her of the past criticism and suggesting she might not be good
enough.
O VER TIME , this constant undermining erodes Claire's

con"dence further, making her more dependent on Mike's
approval and less likely to pursue her passion. This gives Mike
a sense of control in the relationship, as he can manipulate
Claire's actions and decisions by exploiting her vulnerability.
182
• • •
• A NOTHER SCENARIO COULD INVOLVE the relationship between

Rebecca and Sam. Rebecca has always struggled with body
image issues and has a history of dieting and exercise regimes.
Sam, her partner, is aware of these insecurities.
R ATHER THAN FOSTERING a positive self-image and encouraging

Rebecca towards healthy habits, Sam exploits her insecurities
for control. He might comment on her eating habits, or
compare her unfavorably to other women, playing on her inse‐
curities about her appearance.
O VER TIME , these constant negative comments further affect

Rebecca's self-esteem, making her feel the need to please Sam
and seek his approval. This allows Sam to control and manipu‐
late Rebecca by exploiting her deep-seated insecurities.
• L ET ' S consider another case involving a couple, Alex and

Linda. Alex has always been insecure about his "nancial status,
given his humble background. Linda, his partner, is aware of
this insecurity.
I NSTEAD OF SUPPORTING Alex and building his con"dence, Linda

uses this insecurity as a means of control. She might make off-
hand comments about their "nancial situation, or compare
Alex unfavorably with wealthier acquaintances, exacerbating
his insecurities about his "nancial status.
• • •
183
O VER TIME , these consistent negative remarks further dent

Alex's con!dence, making him strive harder to please Linda
and gain her approval. This offers Linda a means to control and
manipulate Alex by playing on his !nancial insecurities.
E XAMPLES OF THINGS people exploiting personal weaknesses say:
1 "I DON ' T THINK you should wear that dress. It doesn't really
suit your body type."
2 "Just pointing out, others in your !eld are much more
successful at your age."
3 "You've never been great at decision making. Let's not
repeat past mistakes."
4 "Do you remember what happened the last time you
tried to take the lead? It didn't end well."
5 "No offense, but your ideas often lack a practical
approach."
184
Part Five
Manipulative
Tactics
Chapter 38
Tactic #38
Breadcrumbing
B
readcrumbing is a manipulative tactic used in
relationships where one person leads the other on
through intermittent reinforcement, providing just
enough attention to keep the other person hopeful, but never
truly committing or progressing the relationship.
T HE TERM ORIGINATES from the tale of Hansel and Gretel, where

they leave a trail of breadcrumbs to !nd their way back home.
In the context of relationships, the 'breadcrumbs' are sporadic
bursts of attention, affection, or validation that a manipulator
uses to keep a person interested and emotionally invested.
A TYPICAL SCENARIO might involve sporadic messages,

compliments, or promises of future plans that never come to
fruition. These breadcrumbs are often vague and non-commit‐
tal, creating a cycle of hope and disappointment for the person
on the receiving end. The manipulator bene!ts by maintaining
187
control and keeping the other person 'on the hook' without
having to invest signi!cant effort or emotional commitment.
B READCRUMBING IS insidious because it can be dif!cult to

recognize, especially for those with lower self-esteem or a
strong desire for the relationship to work. The intermittent
nature of the reinforcement can create a powerful emotional
bond, similar to gambling addictions, making it hard to break
free from the cycle.
E XAMPLES OF BREADCRUMBING :
• A REAL - LIFE EXAMPLE of breadcrumbing could involve a

relationship between Emily and Jake. Emily is genuinely inter‐
ested in Jake and has expressed her desire for a committed
relationship. However, Jake is non-committal and often unre‐
sponsive to Emily's communications.
D ESPITE THIS , every now and then, Jake sends Emily a message,
complimenting her or reminiscing about a past shared
moment. These messages give Emily hope that Jake is inter‐
ested in a deeper relationship. However, after each interaction,
Jake once again becomes distant and unresponsive. He often
makes vague promises about future plans, but never follows
through.
T HIS CYCLE of hope and disappointment continues as Jake keeps

dropping breadcrumbs to keep Emily interested without
188
making any real commitment. Emily, desiring a deeper

connection, becomes more emotionally invested, despite the
lack of progress in their relationship.
• C ONSIDER the case of Laura and Brian. Laura is deeply

attracted to Brian and has made her intentions for a serious
relationship clear. However, Brian is elusive and often fails to
respond to Laura's attempts to communicate.
N EVERTHELESS , every once in a while, Brian sends Laura a

message, complimenting her or recalling a fond memory they
shared. These messages ignite hope in Laura that Brian might
reciprocate her feelings for a more serious relationship. But
following each interaction, Brian reverts to his aloof demeanor
and is unresponsive. He often makes ambiguous promises
about future dates, but these plans never materialize.
T HIS CYCLE of anticipation and letdown continues, with Brian

dropping breadcrumbs to maintain Laura's interest without
any genuine commitment. Laura, hoping for a more mean‐
ingful connection, becomes increasingly emotionally invested,
despite their relationship's stagnation.
• L ET ' S CONSIDER A DIFFERENT CASE , this time involving Mark and

Lisa. Mark and Lisa have been casually dating for several
months, but Lisa feels there is no substantial progression in
their relationship. Mark is often vague about his plans, and
Lisa usually has to initiate their get-togethers.
• • •
189
E VERY SO OFTEN , Mark will suddenly show a burst of interest,

plan an extravagant date, or heap praises on Lisa. He might
drop hints about future vacations or shared experiences,
creating a false sense of progression in their relationship. Lisa,
believing Mark is !nally taking their relationship seriously,
feels hopeful.
H OWEVER , after these moments of seemingly increased

attention, Mark retreats, becoming distant and elusive. This
pattern repeats, with Mark offering just enough crumbs of
affection to keep Lisa invested, without ever genuinely
committing to her.
Examples of things people breadcrumbing say:
1 "I HAD such a great time with you last night. We should do it
again sometime soon."
2 "I miss talking to you. Let's catch up when I'm less busy."
3 "You looked so beautiful the last time I saw you. It's a
shame we don't hang out more."
4 "I've been thinking about that trip we talked about. We
should really plan it one of these days."
5 "Remember the fun we had at that concert? We should do
things like that more often."
190
Chapter 39
Tactic #39 Ultimatums
U
ltimatums can be seen as a strategic manipulation
tactic used in relationships, whereby one individual
presents their partner with a !rm demand, forcing
them to choose between meeting their desires or facing signi!‐
cant consequences. This approach aims to gain control over
the other person by exploiting their fears, insecurities, or their
desire to maintain the relationship.
W HEN USING ULTIMATUMS , the manipulator typically establishes

conditions that are in#exible and often jeopardize the relation‐
ship's stability or future. These conditions may involve regu‐
lating the partner's behavior, isolating them from their
support network, or even coercing them into making life-
altering decisions. By creating a dichotomy of choices, the
manipulator seeks to exploit the other person's emotions,
making them feel compelled to comply in order to avoid unfa‐
vorable outcomes.
• • •
191
U LTIMATUMS POSSESS POTENT MANIPULATIVE POWER , as they place

immense pressure on the recipient. The fear of losing the rela‐
tionship or suffering severe repercussions can lead individuals
to compromise their own needs, desires, and boundaries. This
dynamic fosters an imbalance of power, with the manipulator
asserting control.
I T IS crucial to recognize ultimatums as detrimental to healthy

relationships. Healthy relationships are founded on principles
of mutual respect, compromise, and open communication.
Ultimatums undermine these principles, eroding trust and
establishing an environment of coercion and dominance.
E XAMPLES OF ULTIMATUMS :
• L ET ' S consider a real-life example involving Sarah and John.

Sarah is passionate about traveling and dreams of exploring
new destinations. However, John, her partner, is averse to trav‐
eling and prefers a more settled lifestyle.
I N AN ATTEMPT TO control Sarah and discourage her from

pursuing her travel aspirations, John presents her with an ulti‐
matum. He tells Sarah that if she insists on traveling, he will
end their relationship, claiming that he cannot be with
someone who prioritizes adventures over stability.
F EELING TORN between her love for John and her desire for
exploration, Sarah faces an incredibly challenging decision.
192
She is forced to choose between abandoning her dreams to

maintain the relationship or pursuing her passions at the cost
of losing the person she loves.
T HIS ULTIMATUM PLACES immense emotional pressure on Sarah,

leaving her feeling trapped and uncertain about her future.
Regardless of her choice, she will experience signi!cant
emotional distress. John, by utilizing this manipulation tactic,
seeks to assert control over Sarah's decisions and mold her life
choices to align with his own preferences.
• N OW , let's examine another case involving Michael and Lisa.

Michael is a workaholic, always prioritizing his career over
spending quality time with Lisa, his partner. Lisa, yearning for
a deeper emotional connection, expresses her desire for more
quality time together.
I N RESPONSE , Michael issues an ultimatum. He tells Lisa that if

she continues to demand more of his time and attention, he
will end the relationship, citing his demanding work commit‐
ments as the primary reason.
F EELING TORN between her need for emotional connection and

the fear of losing Michael, Lisa faces a dif!cult choice. She
must decide whether to suppress her needs and continue with
a relationship that leaves her emotionally unful!lled or assert
her desires and risk losing the person she loves.
• • •
193
T HIS ULTIMATUM PUTS Lisa in a vulnerable position, as she is

forced to choose between sacri!cing her emotional well-being
or potentially ending the relationship. Michael, through this
manipulative tactic, seeks to control Lisa's desires and main‐
tain the status quo that aligns with his own priorities.
• L ET ' S EXPLORE ANOTHER EXAMPLE , this time involving Alex and

Rachel. Alex and Rachel have been in a long-term relationship,
but recently, Alex has been unhappy with Rachel's close friend‐
ship with her childhood friend, Ryan. Alex perceives their
friendship as a threat to their relationship.
I N AN ATTEMPT TO exert control and force Rachel to choose

between him and Ryan, Alex resorts to an ultimatum. He tells
Rachel that if she doesn't sever ties with Ryan, he will break up
with her, claiming that their friendship makes him feel inse‐
cure and neglected.
F EELING TORN between her long-standing friendship and her

love for Alex, Rachel is faced with an agonizing decision. She
must choose between maintaining a cherished friendship or
sacri!cing it to salvage her romantic relationship.
T HIS ULTIMATUM PLACES Rachel in a deeply emotional and

challenging situation. Regardless of her decision, she will
experience heartache and potentially lose a signi!cant connec‐
tion in her life. Alex, by utilizing this manipulation tactic, aims
to assert dominance over Rachel's relationships and mold
them to !t his own insecurities.
194
Examples of things people using ultimatums say:
1 "I F YOU don't do what I say, I will leave you and !nd someone
better."
2 "If you want to be with me, you need to cut ties with your
friends. It's them or me."
3 "I can't be with someone who doesn't prioritize my
needs. It's your choice."
4 "If you don't change your behavior, I will make sure
everyone knows what you're really like."
5 "Either you give up your hobbies and focus on our rela‐
tionship, or we're done."
195
Chapter 40
Tactic #40 Keeping

Score
K
eeping score can be seen as a manipulation tactic
frequently employed in relationships where one
individual meticulously tallies perceived wrongdo‐
ings, favors granted, or imbalances in order to control or exert
leverage. This strategy involves fostering a sense of indebted‐
ness and guilt within the relationship, with the manipulator
utilizing the compiled score to gain power, validation, or to
justify their own actions.
T HOSE WHO ENGAGE in keeping score often maintain mental or

physical records of their partner's perceived mistakes, short‐
comings, or unmet expectations. They meticulously note
instances where they believe they have been wronged or where
they believe they have gone above and beyond for their part‐
ner. These recorded "points" are then utilized as weapons
during arguments or as constant reminders of their partner's
perceived "aws.
• • •
196
B Y KEEPING SCORE , the manipulator aims to establish

dominance, control, or entitlement within the relationship.
The score can be used to guilt their partner into compliance,
manipulate them into feeling beholden, or as a tool for
emotional manipulation and coercion.
K EEPING score poses signi!cant harm to the well-being of a

relationship. It nurtures resentment, power imbalances, and
emotional manipulation. It erodes trust, effective communica‐
tion, and the ability to navigate con#icts constructively.
E XAMPLES OF KEEPING SCORE :
• L ET ' S consider a real-life example involving Emma and Mark.

Emma and Mark have been in a long-term relationship, but
Emma feels that Mark often keeps score of their actions and
uses it as a manipulation tactic.
W HENEVER E MMA MAKES a mistake or falls short of Mark's

expectations, he meticulously notes it down and subtly
reminds her of it during arguments or disagreements. Mark
brings up instances where Emma forgot to do a favor for him
or when she made a small mistake in the past, using these
instances as ammunition to discredit her or undermine her
arguments.
E MMA FEELS a constant sense of guilt and indebtedness, as Mark

uses the score he keeps to make her feel inadequate or unde‐
197
serving. She !nds herself constantly trying to make up for past

mistakes and to meet Mark's expectations, hoping to balance
the score and avoid further criticism.
T HIS MANIPULATION TACTIC creates a toxic dynamic within their

relationship, eroding trust and fostering resentment. Emma
feels trapped and constantly on edge, fearing that any misstep
will be used against her. Mark, on the other hand, gains a sense
of power and control by maintaining the score and leveraging
it to his advantage.
• L ET ' S explore another case involving Sarah and James. Sarah

notices that James often keeps a mental scorecard in their rela‐
tionship, noting down any perceived imbalances or
wrongdoings.
D URING ARGUMENTS OR DISCUSSIONS , James brings up past

instances where he believes Sarah fell short or did something
to upset him. He subtly reminds her of favors he has done for
her or sacri!ces he has made, using these instances to gain the
upper hand or justify his position.
S ARAH CONSTANTLY FEELS like she is in debt to James, always

owing him for past actions or trying to make up for perceived
mistakes. This sense of indebtedness keeps Sarah on edge and
afraid to express her own needs or concerns, as she fears it will
further upset the delicate balance of the scorecard.
• • •
198
T HIS MANIPULATION TACTIC creates an unhealthy power dynamic

within their relationship, where James holds control and
leverage by maintaining the score and using it to his advan‐
tage. Sarah feels trapped and diminished, unable to assert
herself or address the underlying issues in their relationship.
I N BOTH EXAMPLES , keeping score becomes a tool for

manipulation, fostering an atmosphere of control, guilt, and
resentment. It hinders open communication, trust, and the
ability to resolve con"icts in a healthy and constructive
manner.
• L ET ' S consider a different scenario involving Ryan and

Jessica. Ryan often keeps score in their relationship, using it as
a manipulation tactic to exert control and sway decisions in his
favor.
W HENEVER J ESSICA VOICES a differing opinion or raises concerns,

Ryan brings up past instances where he believes he has done
more for the relationship or made sacri#ces. He subtly reminds
Jessica of the favors he has granted and uses these instances as
leverage to discourage her from challenging his perspectives or
asserting herself.
J ESSICA FEELS CONSTANTLY pressured and undermined, her self-

con#dence eroded by the score Ryan keeps. She #nds herself
questioning her own judgment and hesitant to express her
needs or desires, fearing that Ryan will use the score against
her.
199
• • •
T HIS MANIPULATION TACTIC establishes an imbalanced power

dynamic, with Ryan maintaining control and leveraging the
score to reinforce his dominance. Jessica's agency and ability to
contribute to the relationship are diminished, creating an envi‐
ronment of unequal power and sti"ed communication.
E XAMPLES OF THINGS people keeping score say:
1 "I CAN ' T BELIEVE you forgot to do that for me, after all I've
done for you."
2 "Remember that time I stayed late at work to help you?
It's about time you returned the favor."
3 "I've been keeping track of all the times you've let me
down. You owe me big time."
4 "I sacri#ced so much for this relationship, and you can't
even do one simple thing for me."
5 "You always seem to forget all the times I've been there
for you. It's like you don't appreciate anything."
200
Chapter 41
Tactic #41 Constant

Criticism
C
onstant criticism can be seen as a manipulative
tactic commonly observed in relationships, where
one individual consistently offers negative judg‐
ments about the other person's actions, choices, or attributes.
This approach involves a persistent pattern of fault-"nding
and derogatory remarks, aiming to gain control, establish
dominance, or undermine the other person's self-assurance.
T HOSE EMPLOYING constant criticism subject their partner to a

continuous stream of negative feedback, focusing on perceived
#aws, mistakes, or shortcomings. They may employ harsh
language, insults, or passive-aggressive comments to demean
and diminish the other person's sense of self-worth. By consis‐
tently highlighting their partner's alleged inadequacies, the
manipulator seeks to create a sense of dependence and self-
doubt.
• • •
201
C ONSTANT CRITICISM IS an in!uential manipulation tactic as it

gradually erodes the recipient's self-esteem, fostering doubts
about their abilities and worth. Over time, it can lead to
emotional distress, anxiety, and even depression in the person
targeted by the criticism. The recipient may become overly
concerned with seeking approval from their partner, perpetu‐
ally feeling inadequate.
I N RELATIONSHIPS where constant criticism prevails, open

communication, trust, and healthy self-esteem are compro‐
mised. The recipient may internalize the negative feedback,
losing con#dence in their capabilities and becoming trapped in
a cycle of self-doubt. This dynamic establishes an imbalance of
power, with the manipulator exerting control through relent‐
less disparagement.
E XAMPLES OF CONSTANT CRITICISM :
• L ET ' S consider a real-life example involving Sarah and

Michael. Sarah has a passion for painting and often shares her
artwork with Michael, seeking his support and encourage‐
ment. However, Michael consistently criticizes Sarah's work,
highlighting perceived !aws, and making demeaning remarks
about her artistic abilities.
D URING ART EXHIBITIONS or when Sarah proudly presents her

paintings, Michael is quick to dismiss her efforts, pointing out
every perceived mistake or criticizing her choice of colors and
202
composition. His constant criticism undermines Sarah's con!‐

dence in her artistic skills and diminishes her enthusiasm for
painting.
O VER TIME , Sarah's self-esteem takes a signi!cant hit. She starts

doubting her abilities, feeling that her artwork is never good
enough. She becomes overly self-conscious, hesitating to share
her creations or pursue her artistic dreams, fearing further crit‐
icism from Michael.
• L ET ' S EXPLORE ANOTHER CASE , this time involving James and

Megan. Megan has a strong interest in !tness and enjoys
working out regularly to maintain a healthy lifestyle. However,
James constantly criticizes Megan's physique, body shape, and
exercise routine.
W HENEVER M EGAN GOES to the gym or engages in physical

activities, James consistently makes derogatory comments
about her appearance, body weight, or even the exercises she
chooses. He belittles her efforts, claiming that she will never
achieve her !tness goals or mocking her progress.
A S A RESULT , Megan's self-con!dence takes a signi!cant blow.

She becomes overly self-conscious about her body, constantly
comparing herself to unrealistic standards set by James'
constant criticism. She starts to doubt her progress, feeling
demotivated to continue her !tness journey due to James'
relentless negativity.
• • •
203
• L ET ' S EXPLORE ANOTHER SCENARIO , this time involving Ryan and

Emily. Ryan consistently criticizes Emily's fashion choices,
always !nding fault with her out!ts, hairstyle, or makeup. He
makes disparaging remarks, expressing his dissatisfaction and
belittling her sense of style.
W HENEVER E MILY DRESSES UP or tries something new with her

appearance, Ryan is quick to point out perceived "aws or inad‐
equacies. He makes comparisons to others, claiming that Emily
can never measure up or mocking her choices as being out of
touch with current trends. His constant criticism leaves Emily
feeling self-conscious and unsure about her own fashion sense.
O VER TIME , Emily's con!dence in her personal style diminishes,

and she starts second-guessing her fashion choices. She
becomes overly reliant on Ryan's approval, seeking validation
to avoid his negative remarks. The relationship suffers as
Emily's sense of self-expression is sti"ed, and her joy in experi‐
menting with her appearance diminishes.
Examples of things people constantly criticizing say:
1 "I JUST WANT YOU TO improve your cooking skills. It would

make our meals more enjoyable."
2 "Have you considered trying a different style? I think it
would suit you better."
3 "I think you have potential, but there are certain areas
where you could use some guidance."
4 "I believe in your abilities, but sometimes it feels like
you're not giving it your all."
204
5 "I want us to grow together, and I think we can work on

re!ning certain aspects of what you do."
205
Chapter 42
Tactic #42 Flattery As

A Form Of Control
F
lattery as a form of control can be seen as a
manipulation tactic employed in relationships, where
one person uses excessive praise, admiration, or
compliments to shape and control the other person's thoughts,
emotions, or actions. This strategy involves strategically
employing !attery to gain power, foster dependency, and
manipulate the dynamics of the relationship.
I NDIVIDUALS UTILIZING !attery as a form of control shower their

partner with compliments, admiration, and adulation, empha‐
sizing their positive qualities, achievements, or physical
appearance. By strategically timing and directing their !attery,
they aim to boost their partner's self-esteem, foster emotional
reliance, and manipulate their behavior to align with their own
objectives.
• • •
206
T HE FLATTERY USED as a form of control is often disingenuous,

lacking sincerity, and driven by ulterior motives. It becomes a
tool to shape their partner's thoughts, emotions, and actions,
rather than a genuine expression of appreciation. By strategi‐
cally employing "attery, the manipulator gains in"uence over
their partner's decisions and shapes the relationship to their
advantage.
F LATTERY AS A FORM of control establishes an unequal power

dynamic within the relationship. The recipient of the "attery
may become increasingly dependent on external validation,
seeking constant praise and approval from their manipulative
partner. Over time, their sense of self-worth may diminish,
and they may #nd themselves easily swayed by the manipula‐
tor's in"uence.
I N RELATIONSHIPS where "attery is used as a form of control,

genuine communication, trust, and mutual respect are
compromised. The manipulator's praise becomes a tool to
shape their partner's thoughts, emotions, and behavior,
undermining their autonomy and fostering reliance on
external validation.
E XAMPLES OF USING "attery as a form of control:
• L ET ' S consider a real-life example involving Alex and Sophia.

Alex, the manipulator, frequently employs "attery as a form of
control in their relationship.
• • •
207
W HENEVER S OPHIA EXPRESSES her ambitions or desires, Alex

showers her with excessive compliments and praise. He
constantly tells her how talented, intelligent, and capable she
is, emphasizing her strengths and potential. By doing so, Alex
manipulates Sophia's self-perception, creating a dependency
on his validation and admiration.
S OPHIA STARTS SEEKING Alex's approval and permission for her

choices, feeling the need for his constant validation. She
becomes hesitant to pursue her own goals and aspirations
without his af!rmation. Alex strategically times his "attery to
reinforce behaviors and decisions that align with his own
desires, exerting control over Sophia's actions and choices.
O VER TIME , Sophia's self-con!dence diminishes, as she

becomes reliant on Alex's "attery for a sense of self-worth. She
starts second-guessing her own judgment, relying on Alex's
opinions to guide her decisions. The power dynamic in their
relationship becomes imbalanced, with Alex using "attery as a
means of control.
• L ET ' S explore another scenario involving Ben and Rachel. Ben

often utilizes "attery as a form of control in their relationship.
W HENEVER R ACHEL EXPRESSES her opinions or desires, Ben "oods

her with compliments, praising her intelligence, beauty, and
accomplishments. He emphasizes how lucky he is to have her
and how she is the best thing that ever happened to him. Ben's
208
!attery is strategic, as he knows that it makes Rachel feel

valued and appreciated.
R ACHEL STARTS RELYING on Ben's constant !attery for her sense

of self-worth. She becomes more compliant with his wishes
and decisions, seeking his validation and approval in all
aspects of their relationship. Ben skillfully uses !attery to
manipulate Rachel's behavior, subtly guiding her actions and
choices to align with his own preferences.
A S TIME GOES ON , Rachel's self-con"dence becomes intertwined

with Ben's opinions. She begins to question her own judgment
and "nds it dif"cult to assert her own needs and desires. The
relationship becomes imbalanced, with Ben exerting control
through his strategic !attery.
• L ET ' S consider a different scenario involving Michael and

Lily. Michael uses !attery as a form of control in their rela‐
tionship.
W HENEVER L ILY EXPRESSES her ideas or ambitions, Michael

showers her with excessive compliments, praising her creativ‐
ity, talent, and unique perspective. He makes her feel special
and valued, emphasizing how no one else compares to her.
Michael's !attery is strategic, designed to manipulate Lily's
emotions and gain in!uence over her decisions.
• • •
209
L ILY STARTS SEEKING Michael's constant validation and approval,

relying on his !attery to boost her self-esteem. She becomes
hesitant to make decisions without his reassurance and often
defers to his opinions. Michael skillfully uses !attery to shape
Lily's behavior, steering her towards actions and choices that
align with his own preferences.
A S TIME PASSES , Lily's self-con"dence becomes intertwined with

Michael's compliments. She begins to doubt her own judg‐
ment and relies heavily on his praise for validation. The power
dynamic in their relationship becomes unbalanced, with
Michael exerting control through his skillful use of !attery.
Examples of things people using !attery as a form of
control say:
1 "Y OUR BEAUTY IS CAPTIVATING . It's one of the things that drew
me to you."
2 "Your talents and intelligence inspire me. I'm grateful to
have you by my side."
3 "I feel fortunate to be with someone as wonderful as you.
Your unique qualities make our relationship special."
4 "Your insights and perspective are truly valuable. I appre‐
ciate the wisdom you bring to our conversations."
5 "Your presence in my life is incredible. You bring so much
joy and positivity."
210
Chapter 43
Tactic #43 Sabotaging

Personal Growth
S
abotaging Personal Growth as a manipulation tactic in
relationships is a distressing and harmful
phenomenon. It involves one partner intentionally or
subconsciously hindering or undermining the other's personal
development, achievements, or aspirations. The saboteur may
do this out of fear, insecurity, control, or jealousy. The tactics
can vary from direct opposition, such as overt criticism or
belittling, to more subtle methods, like consistent distraction
or subtly instilling doubt.
T HIS MANIPULATION TACTIC can be detrimental to the victim's

self-esteem, con!dence, and overall mental health. It can
prevent them from reaching their potential, achieving their
goals, and living a ful!lling life. Ultimately, it can lead to an
imbalance in the relationship, with the victim becoming
increasingly dependent on the manipulator. The manipulator
may justify their actions under the guise of concern or protec‐
211
tion, which can make it dif!cult for the victim to recognize the
sabotage.
Examples of sabotaging personal growth:
• C ONSIDER A COUPLE WHERE ONE PARTNER , Alice, has decided to

pursue further education to advance her career prospects.
She's always been passionate about psychology and hopes to
become a counselor. However, her partner, Bob, feels threat‐
ened by this ambition. He fears that Alice's new career and
social circle might leave him feeling inferior or left out.
I NSTEAD OF EXPRESSING these fears directly, Bob begins to subtly

undermine Alice's ambition. He might make derogatory
comments about the psychology !eld, question Alice's ability
to handle the academic workload, or express doubt about the
value of her career choice. He might also create distractions,
like planning time-consuming activities during Alice's study
time, or constantly demand her attention, preventing her from
focusing on her studies. Bob's actions, stemming from his inse‐
curities, are sabotaging Alice's personal growth.
• L ET ' S talk about an aspiring artist, Emily, who is in a

relationship with Mark. Emily has always loved painting and
has recently been given the opportunity to showcase her work
in a local gallery. This is a major step towards her dream of
becoming a professional artist. However, Mark, who has
always been content with their low-key lifestyle, feels threat‐
ened by this new development.
• • •
212
O UT OF HIS fear of change and jealousy of Emily's success, Mark

begins to sabotage Emily's growth. He starts criticizing her art,
questioning its worth, and subtly suggesting that her dreams
are unrealistic. He often plans impromptu outings or invites
friends over when Emily plans to work on her art, effectively
distracting her from her passion. In this way, Mark is hindering
Emily's personal growth and potential success out of his own
insecurity and fear.
• L ET ' S examine the scenario of David and Sarah. Sarah has

been an amateur runner for years and recently decided to train
for a marathon. This requires a signi!cant time commitment
and lifestyle changes, including diet and sleep patterns. David,
her partner, starts to feel neglected and insecure about Sarah's
new commitment.
I NSTEAD OF DISCUSSING HIS FEELINGS , David resorts to sabotage.

He begins to bring home unhealthy food or suggest late-night
movie marathons, disrupting Sarah's diet and sleep regimen.
He might downplay her running achievements, subtly hinting
that her time could be better spent elsewhere. David's actions,
based on his own insecurities, are a clear example of sabo‐
taging Sarah's personal growth.
Examples of things people sabotaging personal
growth say:
1 "D ON ' T you think you're being a bit unrealistic with these
goals of yours?"
2 "You don't need to work so hard. You're !ne just the way
you are."
213
3 "Are you sure you can handle all that? It sounds like too
much pressure."
4 "I don't see why you're wasting so much time on this. It
won't lead anywhere."
5 "You're not the same person you used to be. I liked you
better before all this."
214
Chapter 44
Tactic #44 Playing

Mind Games
P
laying Mind Games, as a manipulation tactic in
relationships, is a psychologically distressing tactic
where one person attempts to control, confuse, or
deceive their partner to achieve a desired outcome. This could
range from gaining power, evoking certain reactions, or main‐
taining a sense of control.
T HE TACTICS USED CAN VARY and often involve a series of

deceptive or confusing actions. Examples include gaslighting,
where the manipulator causes the victim to question their own
reality, perceptions, or memories; intermittent reinforcement,
where praise or affection is given sporadically to keep the
victim guessing and craving approval; and the silent treat‐
ment, used to exert control and induce feelings of guilt.
T HE EFFECTS of these mind games can be profound, leading to

emotional distress, lowered self-esteem, and even mental
215
health issues. The manipulator often cloaks their actions in

subtlety, making it dif!cult for the victim to discern the reality
of their situation.
U NDERSTANDING these mind games and their implications is

crucial in promoting healthy relationships. It empowers indi‐
viduals to recognize and respond appropriately to such manip‐
ulative tactics, fostering a culture of respect and genuine
communication.
E XAMPLES OF PEOPLE playing mind games:
• L ET ' S consider the case of a couple, John and Mary. John often
uses a manipulative tactic known as gaslighting to control
Mary. For instance, he might deny saying things he has clearly
said or twist facts to !t his narrative. When Mary confronts
him about his behavior, he accuses her of being overly sensi‐
tive or forgetful. This causes Mary to doubt her own memory
and perception, which in turn, makes her more reliant on John
for her version of reality.
O N OTHER OCCASIONS , John might use the silent treatment as a

form of punishment. If Mary does something he disapproves
of, he might stop communicating with her entirely, leaving her
feeling guilty and eager to make amends. These are classic
examples of playing mind games in a relationship.
• • •
216
• L ET ' S consider the situation of Alex and Lisa. Alex is a master

at playing mind games. For example, he often uses gaslighting
as a tactic. He might contradict his own words, deny certain
actions, or twist the truth to suit his needs. When Lisa points
out these inconsistencies, Alex dismisses her, making her
believe she's overly sensitive or has a faulty memory. This
manipulation causes Lisa to question her own perceptions and
memories, and consequently, she becomes more dependent on
Alex's version of events.
A NOTHER COMMON TACTIC Alex uses is the silent treatment. If

Lisa behaves in a way that displeases him, he might stop inter‐
acting with her entirely. This harsh, cold silence leaves Lisa in
distress, feeling guilty and eager to resolve the issue. These
tactics exemplify the mind games played in some
relationships.
• C ONSIDER the relationship between Tom and Karen. Tom is an

expert at playing mind games. He often uses a tactic known as
intermittent reinforcement to keep Karen off balance. He is
occasionally affectionate and loving, making Karen feel valued
and cherished. But these moments are interspersed with
periods of indifference and criticism, leaving Karen in a
constant state of uncertainty and craving for Tom's approval.
T OM also frequently manipulates through indirect

communication, dropping hints and using passive-aggressive
language instead of being direct. For instance, he might say, "I
thought you knew better," instead of expressing his discontent
directly. This leaves Karen guessing and trying to interpret
217
Tom's feelings and expectations, adding to her emotional

distress and confusion.
Examples of things people playing mind games say:
1 "Y OU ' RE ALWAYS MISREMEMBERING things. I never said that."

2 "You're overreacting. I was just joking."
3 "Why are you making a big deal out of nothing?"
4 "I guess you never really understood me."
5 "You're always so paranoid. I didn't mean anything by it."
218
Chapter 45
Tactic #45
Devaluation
D
evaluation, a potent manipulation tactic in
relationships, involves one party consistently
downplaying, belittling or deprecating the other's
signi!cance, achievements, or abilities. This strategy is often
employed to gain control over the relationship, instilling feel‐
ings of insecurity and inadequacy in the victim, thereby
retaining dominance.
D EVALUATION TACTICS CAN VARY , from subtle to overt,

encompassing snide remarks, dismissive behavior, relentless
criticism, or comparisons with others. These actions are often
camou#aged as well-meaning advice or candid feedback,
making it dif!cult for the victim to discern the manipulation.
T HE IMPACT of devaluation is profound, leading to diminished

self-esteem, self-doubt, depression, and social withdrawal. It
can chip away at the victim's self-con!dence and self-image,
219
making them feel undeserving and dependent on the manipu‐

lator's validation.
E XAMPLES OF DEVALUATION :
• L ET ' S look at the relationship between Sarah and Mark. Mark

often uses devaluation as a tactic to control Sarah. He consis‐
tently belittles her achievements, making dismissive
comments like, "Well, anyone could have done that," or "It's
not that big of a deal." He also compares her to others, saying
things like, "My ex was really good at this," or "Why can't you
be more like her?" This constant belittling erodes Sarah's self-
esteem, making her feel inadequate and reliant on Mark's
approval.
M OREOVER , Mark often criticizes Sarah's appearance, hobbies,

and ideas. He may disguise these criticisms as jokes or well-
intentioned advice, making it dif"cult for Sarah to recognize
the manipulation. Over time, this constant devaluation can
lead to self-doubt, depression, and isolation for Sarah.
• Consider the case of Bella and Jake. Jake is a master at
using devaluation as a manipulation tactic. He often dimin‐
ishes Bella's work achievements, saying things like, "That's not
a real job," or "You're just lucky to have that position." He also
compares her to his friends' partners, making comments like,
"Mike's wife is so good at managing the house," or "Why can't
you be more organized like her?"
• • •
220
F URTHERMORE , Jake frequently discredits Bella's passions and

dreams, often masked as constructive criticism or light-
hearted teasing. For example, he might say, "Writing is not a
real career, you should focus on something more practical," or
"Your idea for a startup is unrealistic." This consistent devalua‐
tion undermines Bella's self-worth and con"dence, leaving her
feeling inadequate and reliant on Jake's validation.
• L ET ' S consider the relationship between Peter and Anna.

Peter often employs devaluation to manipulate Anna. He has a
habit of dismissing Anna's academic achievements, brushing
them off with comments like, "Academic success doesn't
equate to real-life success," or "You're just good at memorizing,
that's all." He also compares her to his colleagues' wives,
saying things like, "John's wife is so socially adept," or "Why
can't you be more outgoing like her?"
M OREOVER , Peter frequently discredits Anna's love for

gardening and environmental activism, often disguised as
practical advice or harmless teasing. He might say, "Gardening
is a pastime, not a passion. You should focus on something
more worthwhile," or "Your environmental concerns are just
trendy issues." This consistent devaluation chips away at
Anna's self-con"dence and self-worth, making her question
her abilities and reliant on Peter's validation.
E XAMPLES OF THINGS people using devaluation say:
1 "Y OUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS aren't as impressive as you think."

221
2 "Why can't you be more outgoing like my coworker's

wife?"
3 "Your passion is just a trendy pastime, nothing more."
4 "You're always daydreaming, you should focus more on
the real world."
5 "You're just not suited for this, why don't you try some‐
thing else?"
222
Chapter 46
Tactic #46 Using

Sarcasm To Belittle
U
sing sarcasm to belittle is a manipulative strategy
prevalent in relationships, where one party employs
cynical or scornful remarks to demean or mock the
other. This manipulation technique can be stealthy and may be
masked as humor, making it challenging for the victim to iden‐
tify and counter.
T HE MANIPULATOR LEVERAGES sarcasm as a means to belittle the

other person's opinions, emotions, or accomplishments,
thereby eroding their self-esteem and self-worth. The remarks
may appear harmless or jesting on the surface, but they bear a
negative undertone that can in"ict emotional distress over
time.
T HIS TACTIC IS ESPECIALLY harmful as it establishes a power

hierarchy where the manipulator assumes a superior position,
and the victim is made to feel inferior. It can induce feelings of
223
insuf!ciency, self-doubt, and insecurity in the victim,

rendering them more vulnerable to further manipulation.
R ECOGNIZING and confronting this behavior in a relationship is

crucial. It requires discerning the damaging intent hidden
behind the sarcastic comments and advocating for honest,
respectful, and straightforward communication.
E XAMPLES OF USING sarcasm to belittle:
• L ET ' S consider the relationship between Alice and Robert.

Robert often uses sarcasm to belittle Alice, a manipulation
tactic that is both subtle and harmful. For instance, when Alice
talks about her promotion at work, Robert might respond with
a sarcastic comment like, "Well, aren't you the big shot now?"
On the surface, it may seem like Robert is joking, but the
underlying message is that Alice's achievement is not as signif‐
icant as she believes it to be.
M OREOVER , when Alice expresses her feelings or concerns about

their relationship, Robert often uses sarcastic remarks to
dismiss her feelings. For example, he might say, "Oh, so now
you're a relationship expert?" This type of sarcastic comment
undermines Alice's feelings and makes her doubt her own
perceptions, further enabling Robert's manipulative behavior.
• T AKE the case of Zoe and Liam. Liam frequently employs

sarcasm to belittle Zoe, a manipulative technique that's both
224
subtle and damaging. For example, when Zoe shares her

excitement about a successful project at work, Liam might
respond sarcastically, saying, "Oh wow, you must be the
company's savior!" On the surface, it may appear that Liam is
jesting, but the underlying intent is to downplay Zoe's
achievement.
F URTHERMORE , when Zoe voices her concerns or feelings about

their relationship, Liam often resorts to sarcastic remarks to
dismiss her emotions. He might say something like, "Oh, so
now you're a psychologist?" Such sarcastic comments under‐
mine Zoe's feelings and cause her to question her own experi‐
ences, thereby furthering Liam's manipulative tactics.
• C ONSIDER the relationship between Ava and James. James

frequently employs sarcasm as a means to belittle Ava, a
manipulation tactic that is both subtle and damaging. When
Ava shares her excitement about starting a new "tness regime,
James might respond with a sarcastic comment like, "Oh great,
another fad you're jumping onto?" Although it may seem like a
joke on the surface, the underlying message is meant to under‐
mine Ava's enthusiasm and commitment.
A DDITIONALLY , when Ava opens up about her fears or

insecurities, James often uses sarcasm to dismiss her emotions.
For instance, he might say, "Oh, so now you're Miss Sensitive?"
This kind of sarcastic comment belittles Ava's feelings and
makes her second-guess her own experiences, thus enabling
James's manipulative behavior.
• • •
225
E XAMPLES OF THINGS people overstepping boundaries say:
1 "O H , so now you're an art connoisseur because you went to

one gallery?"
2 "Wow, one promotion and suddenly you're the CEO of
the company."
3 "So, a few yoga classes and now you're a spiritual guru,
huh?"
4 "Oh, so you think you're a philosopher now because
you've read a couple of Nietzsche's quotes?"
5 "Aren't we the movie expert after watching a few
classics?"
226
Chapter 47
Tactic #47 Insincere

Apologies
I
nsincere apologies in relationships refer to the tactic
where an individual offers an apology without real
remorse or the intention to rectify their behavior. This
manipulative strategy involves issuing super!cial apologies,
typically as a short-term remedy to ease con"ict or stress,
without truly acknowledging the consequences of one's
actions or indicating a sincere commitment to change.
A N INSINCERE APOLOGY may be characterized by shifting blame,

minimizing the issue, or emphasizing the other person's reac‐
tion rather than the perpetrator's harmful actions. Phrases like
"I'm sorry you felt that way" or "I apologize if you were
offended" inappropriately shift the responsibility onto the
recipient's feelings, not the instigator's actions.
T HE REPERCUSSIONS of this manipulative tactic can be

profoundly damaging to relationships. The recipient might feel
227
disregarded, gaslighted, leading to feelings of disorientation,

irritation, and loss of trust. It also permits the manipulator to
dodge accountability and continue their harmful behavior,
thus perpetuating a cycle of toxicity.
E XAMPLES OF INSINCERE APOLOGIES :
• T AKE THE EXAMPLE OF A COUPLE , Mia and Lucas. Lucas has a

habit of arriving late for their dates, which Mia has expressed
her dissatisfaction about multiple times. When Mia confronts
Lucas about his tardiness yet again, he quickly says, "I'm sorry
you feel that way, but traf!c was really bad."
T HIS IS AN INSINCERE APOLOGY ; Lucas shifts the blame to external

factors (traf!c) and does not acknowledge his own role in the
problem (not leaving early enough to account for possible traf‐
!c). Despite his apology, Lucas continues to be late for their
dates, indicating that he does not have a genuine intention to
change his behavior.
• L ET ' S consider the relationship between Emma and Ryan.

Ryan has a tendency to cancel their plans at the last minute,
leaving Emma feeling disappointed and disrespected. Every
time Emma brings up the issue, Ryan would say, "I'm sorry if
that upsets you, but work has been really hectic."
T HIS IS a classic example of an insincere apology. Instead of

acknowledging his actions and their impact on Emma, Ryan
228
shifts the blame onto his work and downplays Emma's feel‐
ings. Despite his repetitive apologies, Ryan continues to cancel
plans, suggesting a lack of genuine remorse or commitment to
change.
• C ONSIDER the relationship between Mark and Natalie, two

friends. Mark has a tendency to make sarcastic and derogatory
comments about Natalie's dreams of becoming a writer. Every
time Natalie expresses her hurt feelings, Mark quickly
responds with, "I'm sorry you can't take a joke."
T HIS IS AN INSINCERE APOLOGY . Rather than acknowledging his

hurtful comments and their impact on Natalie, Mark dismisses
her feelings as overreacting and continues to belittle her aspi‐
rations.
Examples of things people using insincere apologies say:
1 "I' M sorry if you can't handle sarcasm, but it's not my fault."
2 "I apologize if it bothered you, but you need to lighten
up."
3 "I'm sorry if you're being dramatic, but it was just a
harmless comment."
4 "I'm sorry if it hurt your fragile ego, but I didn't mean
anything by it."
5 "I apologize if you're too sensitive, but you should
toughen up."
229
Chapter 48
Tactic #48 Feigning

Innocence
F
eigning innocence is a manipulation tactic frequently
used in relationships, wherein one individual
pretends to be oblivious or ignorant of their own
actions, intentions, or their impact on others. This deceptive
behavior serves the purpose of evading responsibility, shifting
blame onto others, or maintaining a façade of moral superior‐
ity, all while undermining the concerns, emotions, or experi‐
ences of the other person involved.
T HE MANIPULATOR ENGAGES in feigned innocence by adopting an

act of cluelessness, displaying surprise, or claiming a lack of
awareness when confronted with their behavior. They may
deny any knowledge of the situation, downplay their role, or
position themselves as victims of misunderstanding. This
tactic is designed to confuse, invalidate, or gaslight the other
person, causing them to question their own perceptions or
doubt the legitimacy of their feelings.
• • •
230
F EIGNING innocence can result in feelings of frustration,

confusion, and powerlessness for the victim. It creates an
imbalanced dynamic within the relationship, wherein the
manipulator controls the narrative and evades accountability.
E XAMPLES OF FEIGNING INNOCENCE :
• L ET ' S consider the relationship between Sarah and Alex.

Sarah has been noticing that Alex frequently makes insensitive
comments about her appearance, particularly her weight.
When Sarah !nally confronts Alex about his hurtful remarks,
he feigns innocence by responding, "I have no idea what you're
talking about. I never said anything mean about your weight."
Despite Sarah clearly recalling speci!c instances where
Alex made derogatory comments, he continues to deny any
knowledge or memory of such incidents. By feigning inno‐
cence, Alex de$ects accountability and undermines Sarah's
concerns, leaving her feeling confused and invalidated.
• T AKE the example of Chris and Maya. Maya has been

expressing her dissatisfaction with Chris's lack of communica‐
tion and effort in their relationship. Whenever Maya brings up
her concerns, Chris feigns innocence by saying, "I don't under‐
stand why you're upset. I've always been there for you."
D ESPITE M AYA ' S clear communication about her needs and

Chris's repeated dismissals, he acts as if he has no under‐
standing of the issue at hand. By pretending to be oblivious,
Chris evades taking responsibility for his actions and invali‐
231
dates Maya's feelings, leaving her feeling frustrated and

unheard.
• L ET ' S explore the relationship between David and Lily. David

frequently cancels plans with Lily at the last minute without
providing a valid reason or expressing genuine remorse. When
Lily expresses her disappointment and frustration, David
feigns innocence by saying, "I had no idea it meant so much to
you. I thought we could just reschedule."
D ESPITE L ILY ' S repeated discussions about the importance of

reliability and trust in their relationship, David portrays
himself as oblivious to the impact of his actions. By feigning
innocence, David avoids taking responsibility for his lack of
consideration, leaving Lily feeling disregarded and
undervalued.
Examples of things people feigning innocence say:
1 "I DON ' T KNOW why you're acting like this. I haven't done
anything to hurt you."
2 "Why are you always accusing me? I didn't do anything
wrong."
3 "I can't believe you're making such a fuss over nothing.
You're being unreasonable."
4 "I have no idea what you're talking about. You must have
misunderstood."
5 "I genuinely don't recall saying or doing that. Maybe
you're remembering it incorrectly."
232
Chapter 49
Tactic #49 Creating A

Sense Of Urgency
C
reating a sense of urgency is a manipulation tactic
commonly employed in relationships to exert
control or in!uence over the other person's actions.
This tactic leverages the human inclination to prioritize imme‐
diate concerns or potential negative consequences, thereby
compelling the person to make hasty decisions or comply with
the manipulator's wishes.
T HE MANIPULATOR UTILIZES various strategies to create urgency.

They may set strict deadlines, amplify the gravity of the situa‐
tion, or emphasize the fear of missing out on opportunities. By
exploiting the sense of time pressure, the manipulator aims to
limit the other person's ability to think critically or weigh the
consequences objectively.
C REATING a sense of urgency can have detrimental effects on

relationships. It can lead to rushed decision-making, height‐
233
ened anxiety, and an imbalanced power dynamic where the

manipulator holds the upper hand. The person being manipu‐
lated may feel coerced, stressed, and unable to assert their own
needs or desires.
Examples of creating a sense of urgency:
• L ET ' S consider the relationship between Emma and Jack. Jack

frequently uses the manipulation tactic of creating a sense of
urgency to in"uence Emma's decision-making. For instance,
when Emma expresses hesitation about moving in together,
Jack might say, "If we don't make a decision now, someone else
will snatch up this amazing apartment offer." By creating a
sense of urgency, Jack puts pressure on Emma to make a quick
decision, bypassing her need for thoughtful consideration and
discussion.
A NOTHER EXAMPLE IS when Emma expresses her desire to pursue

higher education. Jack, fearing it may shift the dynamics of
their relationship, says, "If you wait any longer, you'll miss the
opportunity to enroll in the best program. Time is running
out!" By creating a false sense of urgency, Jack attempts to
push Emma into making a decision that aligns with his prefer‐
ences and timeline.
I N BOTH CASES , Jack manipulates Emma by using urgency as a

means to limit her ability to evaluate the options objectively
and consider her own needs and desires. Emma may feel
compelled to comply with Jack's wishes due to the heightened
pressure created by the sense of urgency, ultimately sacri#cing
her autonomy and personal goals.
234
• • •
• L ET ' S examine the relationship between Sarah and Michael.

Michael frequently employs the manipulation tactic of
creating a sense of urgency to manipulate Sarah's choices. For
instance, when Sarah expresses reservations about getting
married, Michael might say, "If we don't set a date soon, our
dream wedding venue will be booked by someone else." By
creating a sense of urgency, Michael pressures Sarah into
making a hasty decision, disregarding her need for thorough
consideration and open communication.
A NOTHER EXAMPLE IS when Sarah discusses her career

aspirations. Michael, fearing it may disrupt their plans, says,
"If you don't accept that job offer now, you might miss out on
this incredible opportunity. Time is of the essence!" By fabri‐
cating urgency, Michael attempts to push Sarah into making a
decision that aligns with his own desires and timeline.
I N BOTH INSTANCES , Michael manipulates Sarah by using a

fabricated sense of urgency to limit her ability to evaluate
options objectively and prioritize her own goals and aspira‐
tions. Sarah may feel coerced to comply with Michael's wishes
due to the perceived urgency, compromising her individual
agency and personal ful"llment.
• L ET ' S explore the relationship between Alex and Nicole. Alex

frequently uses the manipulation tactic of creating a sense of
urgency to control Nicole's choices. For instance, when Nicole
expresses a desire to take a break from their relationship to
235
focus on personal growth, Alex might say, "If we take a break,

there's no guarantee that we'll ever get back together. This is
our last chance to salvage what we have." By creating a sense
of urgency, Alex pressures Nicole into reconsidering her deci‐
sion and continuing the relationship without allowing her the
time and space she needs.
A NOTHER EXAMPLE IS when Nicole wants to explore different job

opportunities. Alex, feeling insecure about potential changes,
says, "If you don't accept that job offer immediately, you'll
miss out on a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. You need to
decide right now." By instilling urgency, Alex manipulates
Nicole into making a rushed decision that aligns with his own
comfort and security.
I N BOTH SCENARIOS , Alex utilizes a sense of urgency as a means

to exert control over Nicole's choices and limit her ability to
evaluate her own needs and aspirations. Nicole may feel
trapped and coerced into maintaining the relationship or
making decisions that may not align with her long-term goals.
Examples of things people creating a sense of urgency say:
1 "I F YOU wait any longer, someone else will swoop in and take
it. You can't afford to delay."
2 "I can't believe you're still thinking about it. We need to
decide ASAP!"
3 "Time is of the essence. We can't afford to drag our feet
on this."
4 "If we don't act fast, we'll miss out on the best deal avail‐
able. Let's make a decision now."
236
5 "Why are you hesitating? We need to take action immedi‐

ately or risk losing everything."
237
Chapter 50
Tactic #50 False

Promises
F
alse promises refer to a manipulation tactic in
relationships where one person deliberately
makes commitments they have no intention of
keeping. This tactic is employed to assert control, deceive, or
obtain compliance from the other person.
T HE MANIPULATOR UTILIZES false promises to manipulate the

emotions and behaviors of the other person. They may make
extravagant assurances of love, loyalty, or support, creating an
illusion of security and commitment. By offering enticing
prospects or assurances, they exploit the trust and vulnera‐
bility of the other person, effectively in"uencing their feelings
and actions.
F ALSE PROMISES CAN HAVE severe consequences within

relationships. The person being manipulated invests their
emotions and resources based on these promises, only to be let
238
down, betrayed, or hurt when the commitments are unful‐

"lled. The manipulator may deploy false promises to maintain
power, manipulate perceptions, or keep the other person
dependent on them.
A DDRESSING false promises requires a vigilant approach. It is

essential to recognize the signs and patterns of manipulative
behavior. This involves assessing the consistency between
words and actions, seeking evidence of genuine follow-
through on promises, and fostering open and transparent
communication.
E XAMPLES OF FALSE PROMISES :
• L ET ' S consider the relationship between Sarah and John.

Sarah has been expressing her desire for more quality time and
attention from John, who frequently promises to prioritize
their relationship and spend more time together. However,
despite these promises, John continues to prioritize his work
and social activities, leaving Sarah feeling neglected and unim‐
portant.
• I N ANOTHER SCENARIO , Alex promises his partner, Lily, that he

will change his behavior and be more supportive of her dreams
and ambitions. He assures her that he will attend her impor‐
tant events and provide emotional support. However, when
the time comes, Alex consistently fails to show up or provide
the support he promised, leaving Lily disappointed and ques‐
tioning the sincerity of his promises.
239
• • •
• L ISA IS in a relationship with Tom, who promises her that he

will prioritize their shared goals and work towards a stable
future together. He makes elaborate plans, discussing their
dream house, starting a family, and achieving !nancial secu‐
rity. However, as time passes, Lisa realizes that Tom's promises
were empty, as he consistently avoids making any meaningful
progress towards their shared aspirations.
Examples of things people giving false promises say:
1 "I REALLY MEAN IT this time. I promise things will be different,

and I'll do whatever it takes to make you stay."
2 "I can't bear the thought of losing you. I promise to
change and be the person you deserve."
3 "You're my world, and I'll do anything to keep you. Trust
me, this time it's for real."
4 "I'm committed to making our relationship better. I
promise to do everything in my power to make you happy."
5 "I understand your concerns, and I promise to make
amends. You're too important to let go, and I won't let you
down again."
240

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Dark Psychology,

MACHIAVELLI MONEY MANAGER

E MOTIONAL MANIPULATION IS a powerful tool that some

E ACH TACTIC DISCUSSED within these pages is accompanied by

W HILE THE SUBJECT matter may be unsettling, it is crucial to face

I T IS important to note that this book neither promotes nor

A S WE EMBARK on this transformative journey together, let us

!ourish, free from the shadowy in!uence of emotional manip‐

A RE you prepared to uncover the secrets of emotional

T HE PROCESS of gaslighting can be subtle, covert, or systematic,

C OMMON GASLIGHTING TECHNIQUES encompass trivializing the

T HE REPERCUSSIONS of gaslighting can be severe, causing lasting

L ET ' S consider these examples of gaslighting in different

W HEN SHE CONFRONTS Mike about deleting the message, he

O VER TIME , Anna begins to believe that she might be

• L ILY AND S ARAH SHARE AN APARTMENT , and Lily has been

A S THE GASLIGHTING CONTINUES , Lily becomes increasingly

Sarah's version of events. This manipulation tactic allows

O VER TIME , Steve continues to make these comments and then

T HE GASLIGHTING IMPACTS Mark's self-con"dence and his

E XAMPLES OF THINGS people using gaslighting would say:

1 "O H , you're always making things up in your head."

I NITIALLY , love bombing can seem incredibly positive and

H OWEVER , the seemingly positive behavior can quickly turn

time together, demand constant communication, or exhibit

A S THE RELATIONSHIP EVOLVES , the manipulator often uses their

R ECOGNIZING love bombing can be challenging, as the

I N ORDER TO guard against love bombing, it's essential to be

I N CONCLUSION , love bombing is a deceptive and manipulative

H ERE ARE some examples of love-bombing in different kinds

H OWEVER , as their friendship deepens, Olivia becomes more

A S L UCY BECOMES MORE EMOTIONALLY dependent on Olivia, she

withdrawing her support when Lucy tries to assert her inde‐

G RADUALLY , the love bombing evolves into a cycle of emotional

• C AMERON STARTS a new job and is assigned to work under a

A S TIME GOES ON , Leslie begins to use this support as a means of

F EELING EMOTIONALLY dependent on Leslie's approval, Cameron

A S THE CYCLE of love bombing and manipulation continues,

• S OPHIA JOINS A DATING app and quickly matches with Alex,

A S THEIR VIRTUAL RELATIONSHIP GROWS , Alex becomes increasingly

S OPHIA STARTS to feel overwhelmed and emotionally drained,

O VER TIME , the love bombing devolves into a cycle of emotional

and affection she once received from Alex. Trapped in a toxic

E XAMPLES OF THINGS people using love bombing would say:

G UILT - TRIPPING operates on the principle that by making the

T HE REASONS for employing guilt-tripping as a manipulation

T HE EFFECTS of guilt-tripping on the targeted individual can be

T O COUNTERACT GUILT - TRIPPING , it is essential to recognize the

F URTHERMORE , open and honest communication between both

E XAMPLES OF GUILT TRIPPING :

• A REAL - LIFE EXAMPLE of guilt-tripping can be observed in a

I N RESPONSE to Alice's guilt-tripping, Bob might cancel his trip,

could lead to resentment on Bob's part and further strain their

• I N A DIFFERENT SCENARIO , consider two friends, Emily and

I N RESPONSE to Emily's guilt-tripping, Sarah might relent and

• I N A DISTINCT SCENARIO , consider a parent-child relationship

I N RESPONSE to Maria's guilt-tripping, David might abandon his

E XAMPLES OF THINGS people using guilt-tripping would say:

Tactic #4 Playing The

• I N A DIFFERENT SCENARIO , let's consider a work situation

I NSTEAD OF ACKNOWLEDGING his behavior and its impact on

I N RESPONSE to Ryan's victimization, Emily might apologize and

• I N A DISTINCT SCENARIO , let's consider a parent-child

I NSTEAD OF ACKNOWLEDGING his behavior and understanding