Hate Me, Love Me

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/35133598.

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Archive Warning: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Category: M/M
Fandom: ATEEZ (Band)
Relationships: Choi San/Jung Wooyoung, Choi San & Jung Wooyoung
Characters: Jung Wooyoung, Choi San
Additional Tags: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort,
Emotional Hurt, Angst with a Happy Ending, Happy Ending, Fluff and
Angst, First Kiss, Making Out, Love Confessions, Friends to Lovers,
Idiots in Love, Self-Acceptance, Internalized Homophobia, It's hard but
they'll make it work, Denial of Feelings, Jung Wooyoung Needs a Hug,
Jung Wooyoung is Whipped, Choi San is Bad at Feelings, Canon
Compliant
Language: English
Stats: Published: 2021-11-15 Words: 3,228 Chapters: 1/1
 Hate Me, Love Me
by idlewriter

Summary

“You’re so fucking clingy and annoying!”

“You don’t mean that."

Notes
See the end of the work for notes
“I don’t have the energy for this” Hongjoong complains, shaking his head at San and
Wooyoung. It’s one of those days when they just can’t keep their thoughts and opinions to
themselves, bickering every once in a while until the end result is loud yells bouncing off the
walls in the practice room. The other members watch them in annoyance but also a little bit
of worry as they take their leave. They’ve become violent before, all up in each other’s faces
and pushing at each other’s chests until either Mingi or Hongjoong gets in between them,
shouting at them to stop it because they’re acting ridiculous. It’s become more regular now
though, and the rest doesn’t really understand why, Wooyoung doesn’t either, although he
might.

Wooyoung and San have always been close, or at least Wooyoung wants to believe that San
thinks so as well. They’ve always had a strong chemistry, their at-times flirty personalities
crashing in certain ways that sends butterflies throughout his entire body. The problem is that
those feelings also arise when San makes fun of him, when San speaks to him, and even
when he doesn’t. They feelings have settled in his bones, and Wooyoung hates it. He hates it
as much as he loves it.

He supposes San’s coldness towards him could come from the fact that he’s been ‘trying’
much more recently, both off and on screen wanting his attention and giving him a lot of
attention; his eyes lingering, his hands always occupied with San’s hands, his clothing, his
hair, whatever he lets him touch. He hopes San feels the same, certain days he sure gives off
those signals, holding onto Wooyoung at every possible moment, nuzzling his neck and
breathing compliments into his ear that sends shivers down his spine.

He's ashamed when he admits it to himself, but certain days he’ll even sit down and watch
fan-made compilations, if only maybe one or two; analysing how San treats him because
gosh, this is hard, and now he’s starting to understand how some fans are able to both create
and believe certain theories. He just really hopes that it’s not only for show, and that a part of
San actually likes him back even if the thought is a little unrealistic.

It had started off as a discussion about a certain mistake that Wooyoung continuously had
been making whilst practicing their newest choreography which had annoyed San because:
“Aren’t you supposed to be “the dancer” of this group?”
Having already started the day off on a bad note with each other, seeing as San kept shaking
him off whenever Wooyoung got close, Wooyoung had blown up; heavy strides taking him
up to San, his face mere centimeters from the other man’s. Suddenly, what had started as
tough criticism had turned into them both yelling insults and complaints at each other as if
that’s going to solve the problem.

“You’re so fucking clingy and annoying!” San’s hands are waving dangerously close to
Wooyoung’s face, but the latter doesn’t back down, instead he glares dagger into San’s eyes,
because that comment stings.
“You don’t mean that.” It’s no longer attacking, but still an exasperated yell, Wooyoung’s
hands pushing at San’s chest heavily, because the closeness is just uncomfortable now, and
Wooyoung wants to see if there is any regret in San’s features at the choice of words.

“I’m around you only because I feel sorry for you, that’s all. I’m not like you"

Wooyoung opens his mouth to retaliate, but he’s at a loss of words. He’s hurt, his body
burning hotly with shame, because those words have a deeper meaning and he doesn’t know
if San knows, but if he does, that’s a low blow. Furious and hurt he leaps at San, pushing him
harshly towards the wall covered with mirrors, yelling at him to take it back. He pushes one
final time and takes a step threateningly close, swears spilling out his lips, his fingers up in
San's face. Then, all of a sudden his scalp burns and something hard connects with his
cheekbone, sending him crashing into the mirror.

“Holy shit Wooyoung, I’m so sorry.” The voice is rushed but blurred due to the sound of
blood rushing through his ears, the static in his head. He is disoriented, not able to understand
what just happened. All he knows is that his body and face hurts, and that San ‘isn’t like
him’, doesn’t like him it seems. Tears are desperately trying to escape the confinement of his
eyes, and they do when he’s unable to get up from the floor, his body trembling, whimpers of
pain slipping through his lips.

He grunts when arms circle his body carefully, helping him back up. He pushes himself off
before thinking twice, almost sending himself crashing back into the floor. “I didn’t mean-
Wooyoung” San calls after him, but Wooyoung leaps through the door. He’s never in his
entire life felt so ridiculed and hurt by someone so close to him.

Just now coming to realize what he’s just said and done, San is unable to move. His knuckles
are hurting, but he doesn’t pay it any attention, all he can do is look at the door Wooyoung
just disappeared through with glassy eyes, guilt sitting heavy in his chest. “Wooyoung” he
whispers to himself once more before getting all their stuff, even Wooyoung’s phone, running
after him.

He doesn’t manage to catch up to him.

Wooyoung doesn’t talk much after the incident, at least not with San. He doesn’t answer his
calls and doesn’t engage in conversation unless it includes a bigger part of the group,
although he isn’t too keen on talking to anyone really. The rest have tried to bring up the
blooming bruise on his cheek, but Wooyoung blames it on his own clumsiness although
nobody seems to be buying it.

After two weeks Wooyoung doesn’t look the slightest bit healthy; his eyes seem to be puffed
constantly (which he blames on allergies, what allergies?), and insomnia. He picks more at
his food than eating it as well, unknown to the other members, preferring to do so because the
first week he learned that eating “too much” resulted in him throwing up at night; anxiety
coiling in his stomach, his heart hurting so badly that some nights he's afraid he’s going to
die.
He pushes himself harder when training, regarding both vocals and dancing, but staying so
much later than the rest of the members when dancing that he ends up being the one
correcting everyone else, San included. He makes sure however, to never yell or become
irritated when correcting anyone, instead staying calm and giving praises no matter how their
practices go.

Wooyoung is kind to San as well, although he doesn’t want to speak with him. Kind although
he almost looks like he should be too tired to be so. He ignores him as much as he can, but
he’s not heartless. Whenever their eyes meet, although it doesn’t quite reach his eyes,
Wooyoung gives San small twitches of smiles, before quickly but very subtly looking away.

It's the third week, and Wooyoung starts a V-live although he still doesn’t feel too good,
wanting to do so because the fans have asked about him due to the lack of him posting on all
the platforms, because although he doesn’t have San in his life like that anymore, he still has
his fans. What he doesn’t expect to do however, is to cry. It all starts calmly as it usually
does, but the San-related comments rush in quickly as usual, or maybe he’s just paying too
much attention to it.

He talks about his day, his past week and, how he’s been riddled with nightmares which is the
reason for his tired look. There are a lot of worries, and with the worries there are a lot of
compliments, praise, and encouragement. He reads plenty of the comments, and he doesn’t
even know he’s crying before the people in the chat asks about it. Wooyoung just shakes his
head and gives a hearty, slightly broken laughter. It’s too dark to see properly and so he hopes
the fans believes him when he lies. He ends the stream shortly after, his chest tight and his
vision blurry.

He escapes to the practice room in the middle of the night, although they’ve just received a
week off, feeling restless and anxious all at once. He just wishes he had thought it through
because when he opens the door and sees San in the middle of the room he quickly turns and
goes back out of the room, his body almost immediately starting to tremble as it usually does
before he either cries or gets a panic attack. “Woo”, he can hear the door close behind him
and hurried footsteps following him which makes him walk even faster, his breathing ragged
and quick.

A hand wraps around his wrist to stop him, and he feels dizzy when he’s turned around by a
small tug, his head cloudy and his vision so blurred that he for a brief moment wonder if he’s
going to pass out. “Wooyoung?” he blinks and shakes his head, slowly sinking down to the
floor because he can’t see anything anymore, and it feels like static is running through his
veins.

He doesn’t remember, but San helps him back into the practice room and onto the sofa, and
Wooyoung appreciates how the lights in the room are dimmed significantly, a headache
having been building itself up ever since he left the dorm.

“Are you alright, I saw your live?”

Wooyoung nods the slightest but scoffs at the question, unaware of how it sends San’s heart
into a frenzy, tears threatening to spill from his eyes. “Can you please talk to me, I’m really
sorry Wooyoung.” His voice is small, so small that it almost sounds like a whisper when he
talks, and although Wooyoung feels a little bad, he doesn’t look at him, tries to remind
himself of what San has said. San’s sadness just angers him instead.

“You say you’re not “like me” and that you’re only with me out of pity, San. What the actual
fuck am I supposed to say? “Hey idiot, I’m so fucking in love with you that whenever you’re
not beside me I feel empty in a type of way that hurts”? I don’t think so. Now I don’t even
know if that’s what you meant but here is a confession so, please do with it as you want.” He
begins strongly, eyes glaring daggers into San’s, standing up as if to make a stronger point,
but his voice falters and breaks at the end, angry tears falling down his cheeks. “Ruin my
career if you want, I don’t think I even care anymore.”

He's standing in San’s face at the end of his rant, his hands balled into fists. San looks startled
almost, his mouth opening and closing repeatedly. “I led you on and I’m…”, Wooyoung
throws his hands up, taken aback at San’s choice of words, simultaneously interrupting him.

“You’ve purposely led me on?”

Silence.

“The fans like it, it makes it more believable I-”

“Believable?” Wooyoung yells, tapping his index finger aggressively against his own chest.
“It’s because it is real! They are my feelings San, what the fuck?”

San takes a hold of Wooyoung hands, hating how this motion makes him cower a little bit,
possibly in fear of being hit again. San breathes deeply through his nose and looks at
Wooyoung with desperation in his eyes.

“Let me finish” he pleads, sobbing when Wooyoung shakes him off and makes his way
towards the door, “I didn’t want to confront it, I was scared Wooyoung!”

Silence once again.

“Scared of my feelings.”

Wooyoung turns around to look at him, and they’re both crying at this point, hitching breaths
and silent tears running down their faces. San wipes his face with his sleeves before pressing
his palm into his chest and rubbing it hard. He does that to calm his nerves when he’s very
anxious, and Wooyoung knows that.

“What do you mean?”

San looks anywhere but directly at Wooyoung, his cheeks flushed, and not only from crying
this time but also perhaps embarrassment? Because he’s shy?

“Shit, I don’t know, I mean I do- I like… I like you too Wooyoung.”
Wooyoung’s eyebrows are drawn together tightly in confusion, but his eyes are softer as they
analyse San’s expressions and actions. He’s still weary though, not wanting to jump to any
conclusions in case this is some elaborate, sick joke.

“After what you said, I deserve a little more than “I don’t know” San.”

San shrinks in on himself, barely able to meet Wooyoung’s eyes because he’s so ashamed of
himself, of how he hurt him. “I’m really sorry,” he mutters, not trusting his voice as another
set of tears makes their way out of his eyes, his quivering bottom lip trapped between his lips.
There’s a sound of footsteps, and San is afraid that he’s leaving, but when a pair of arms wrap
around his middle and he almost loses it.

“I don’t really know what to do with this and I’m not too keen on talking to you right now.
You sound so uncertain, and I don’t have energy to think and try to analyse what you mean
and want. I need a proper, more confident explanation.”

San’s fear becomes real as Wooyoung slips through the door, but he knows that it is for the
best, that Wooyoung deserves a better explanation than what he has to offer right now.
Honestly, San is just terrified, knowing that if he, if they cross this line there’s no turning
back. They’ll have to be careful, always. But again, they would have to be careful no matter
who they choose to date. He’s just scared that it potentially can damage the group, and that if
it damages the group it forces the two of them apart as well.

Another week passes in silence and it’s around the 5th or maybe 6th day that Wooyoung
notices how San is eating less for each passing day. It makes him worried, he doesn’t want
his actions to affect him in the same way as he'd experienced a weeks earlier.

Wooyoung walks up to him after practice, the two of them staying later than the rest this time
too. He takes a hold of his hand and opens his mouth to speak, but San beats him to it.

“Can we talk?”

They sit together on the sofa in the back of the room, somewhat shyly stealing glances of
each other. San’s eyes are red and a little puffy Wooyoung notices, and it’s making his heart
clench painfully inside his chest. San fidgets in his place, his hand repeatedly tapping his
knee. He really wants to take a hold of Wooyoung’s hand, but in this context he’s too scared
to do so. However, Wooyoung sees the way he watches his fingers, and not wanting San to
hurt more than he already is, he reaches out to lace their fingers together.

“What-”

“I’m in love with you.”

“I’m-”
“Like, properly heartbreakingly in love with you. It took all this time because I was scared of
my feelings, of how you or anyone else would react. Then, I kind of got the feeling of you
actually liking me back, and that was just even more terrifying Wooyoung. Because what will
everyone else say? And I’m just scared.”

Wooyoung just blinks up at San who just placed his whole heart in between Wooyoung’s
fingers for him to do as he wants with it. His brows are drawn together but his expression is
more sad than anything else. “Then why did you say and do what you did?” San’s head drops
at the question.

“I was just scared, and when we argued I got so mad and confused and I was just angry at
absolutely everything I was feeling, and I thought that if I might just say something bad,
you’d stay away. Then I… I hit you- I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for that. I was just
so, so angry at everything, and I know it’s not an excuse, I just- I really don’t know how it
happened.”

Wooyoung’s fingers brush over San’s slowly, and he opens his mouth to reply when San all
of sudden stands up, letting go of his hand. “We should probably go?” Although a little
confused at the abrupt end, Wooyoung follows suit and just hums in reply, his hand once
again reaching out for San’s. They don’t get longer than the hallway of the studio when
Wooyoung suddenly stops. “What-” Wooyoung’s face is red, and although it’s pretty dark in
the hallway San can see it clearly. “What is it Woo?” He asks one more time, taking a hold of
his other hand as well.

Wooyoung doesn’t say much, but does hesitate before gently tugging San closer, his eyes on
the floor. Oh, San thinks as his heart skips a beat, if not several. He smiles weakly and a short
chuckle sounds from his throat. He lifts their – still, intertwined hands up to Wooyoung’s
face, their fingers slipping out of one another as he cups his face and tilts it upwards. He
moves so close that he can feel Wooyoung’s breath against his cheek, so close that he can
count each and every eyelash if he wants to do so. It looks like Wooyoung’s eyes are wet with
tears, and so he frowns and brushes a finger over his cheek. “What’s wrong?” it’s a whisper,
and it sends a shiver down Wooyoung’s spine. Then, he smiles so beautifully back at San,
arms shyly wrapping around his body. He eyes his lips once, maybe twice before he looks
him in the eyes again, his own crinkling with glee. He leans in a little bit, eyes almost
fluttering close. San can feel his heart in his throat; fingers sliding over Wooyoung’s cheeks
as he leans down and presses their lips together ever so softly. Wooyoung melts at the touch,
as does San who immediately brushes one of his hands from Wooyoung’s cheek to the back
of his neck. He can’t pull him closer, even if he tries.

It takes a long time for them to stop making out in the middle of the hallway, but when they
pull away and their eyes meet, they can’t do anything but giggle at the butterflies that are
being shared between their hearts.

“I’m in love with you, you know? The kind of please, pretty pretty please, Wooyoung, be my
boyfriend kind of “in love”, you know?”

Wooyoung looks away briefly, tears falling to his cheeks at the happiness and relief that
courses through his body. He laughs at himself and nods. “I would like that.”
It won’t be easy, and they both know that. However, when they as quietly as they can slip into
San’s bed, like they’ve done plenty of times before, but with arms wrapped around each
other; legs tangled, stealing small kisses from each other’s lips, faces, necks, shoulders. The
genuine I love you’s they share as they’re on the verge of sleep makes it all worth it.
End Notes

not proofread, might edit and fix mistakes later.

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