@Nooralhudatalks

TABLE OF CONTENTS

02 About Author

05 The Importance of Empathy

10 The Effect of Small Talk

Understanding Your Outcome

12

14 Our State of Ego -

TRANSACTIONAL ANALYSIS

17 Learning Your Audience

19 Conclusion

Page 1
Welcome
Hello
I’m so happy you’re here! Let me introduce
you to myself. My name is

Noor Alhuda

entrepreneur, content creator, public speaker

and communication coach. For years I have been
professionally training people to take their
communication and interpersonal skills to a
whole new level. My dreams have only been
growing bigger, and they are driven by a passion
to create and deliver content that helps you
become the best version of yourself.
Noor Alhuda
Communication Coach

My B.A (Hons) in Communication, Media, and Film, along withyears of experience

in the field of communication fueled my passion, and made me realize that there is
nothing more powerful than knowing the best ways you can communicate in the
world around you. On the other hand, my Masters in Ed Leadership made me
aware that great leadership also ties into great communication! Since my mission
and vision became clear, I have been able to leverage them through the miracle of
mass media by also delivering my message remotely to millions around the world,
as well asphysically as a keynote speaker and coach in different countries. You’re
here now, and I’m not letting you go until I can offer you insights that will open your
eyes, rationally, emotionally, spiritually and creatively. My dream is to give you the
awareness you need to make bold and courageous moves, take action, and live up
to your own goals and dreams- because you deserve no less!

@Nooralhudatalks

@Nooralhudatalks
Let's get Started!
Page 2
 INTRODUCTION
Before we get into the easy steps which will reverse your communication failures, I just want to
remind you not to underestimate this statement;
"Your level of communication will determine your level of success". It’s a simple fact.

Can you be a great leader without being a great communicator? Sure, if you want to be Joe
Biden. Can you form meaningful and lasting friendships, if you can’t communicate well? Sure, if
you want a shallow friendship full of misunderstandings. Can you be a good parent, if you have
poor communication? Of course, only if you want to risk not having healthy relationships with
your children. What about a successful entrepreneur, I mean that’s business, you can make it
without great communication right? Well, according to a survey conducted by D.B. Curtis and
presented at the Annual Meeting of the Speech Communication Association; after 1,000
personnel managers were surveyed, results suggestedthat most valued skills in the “contemporary
job market” are communication skills. The study also concluded that poor communication
resulted in an average loss per company of $62.4 million per year. So, that answers that.

A great communicator (with good intentions)

will usually be a great entrepreneur, leader,
husband/wife, parent, sibling and make an
"Your level of
amazing friend, you must believe this fact.
communication,
By the way, there is a big difference between a will determine
great talker and a great communicator. A great
talker may be someone who can articulate their your level of
words well and talk well, but a great
communicator can drive an impactful message, success."
they can persuade better, listen better, lead
better, and win more.

The key to becoming a skillful communicator is rarely found in what has been taught in
schools. In school we are taught to focus on enunciation, vocabulary, presence,
delivery, and grammar. In other words, we are taught to focus on the language, not the
message.

Communication is inherited- Our parents are often role models that passed on
communication from the previous generation. There is no one to show us how to
communicate our wants, our feelings, how to behave in arguments, how to listen
actively, how to know what someone means without mind-reading, and so on.

Page 3
Prophet Mohammad (PBUH)
Our prophet, is the perfect
example of a great leader. If we
look back in our history, when Allah
(SWT) taught prophet Mohamad
(PBUH) knowledge about Islam, he
also taught him how to
communicate it, he put attributes
in him that would allow him to
communicate this knowledge to
the entire nation. Without these
attributes the message could not
have been delivered. I’ll be using a
few inspiring examples of his good
communication in the coming
pages.

Nonverbal Communication
There was no man in history that ever smiled as much as prophet Mohammad did
and that was the first method of communication, Allah (SWT) granted him. Non-
verbal communication through facial expression, he had to constantly smile to
deliver a message based on peace. So, if he was trying to teach people about
peace but barely smiled, his message would not resonate. So, we are taught the
importance and connection of verbal and non-verbal communication way back in
history.

Alright, let’s talk about the 5 steps that are guaranteed to make you FAIL at
communication.

Ready to Get Started?

Page 4
 STEP

01
1. DON’T BE EMPATHETIC
(Be as empathetic as you can possibly be)
You want to miserably fail in most of your conversations? do not have empathy.
You want to lack basic listening skills? do not have empathy.

What’s empathy?
To have empathy is to fully place yourself in the physical and emotional being of
another, and to see what he sees, to feel what he feels, to experience what he
experiences.
Empathy is the ability to recognize emotions in others, and to understand other people's
perspective in any given situation.
Sympathy & empathy are different, sympathy is when you feel concern for someone but
empathy is when you try to deeply share their emotions and perspective. You become
connected to the emotions and experiences of others.

You know what Oprah Winfrey’s

business strategy is based on?
it’s literally based on Empathy.
Oprah says: “Leadership is
about empathy; it is about
having the ability to relate and
to connect with people for the
purpose of inspiring and
empowering their lives.”

How did empathy make her so successful and how will NOT having empathy make you
fail at communication? Without empathy you will not fully listen, and this is what Oprah’s
main job was, she listened more than she did anything else. Here is an example of how
empathy will leverage your communication.

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 Cognitive Empathy & Effective Empathy

Sarah wants to buy a cat but her husband hates

cats, so he keeps refusing. Instead of failing to
communicate and getting irritated right away, she
tries empathy. So, she asks him more questions and
listens more to what he has to say to understand
where he’s coming from. The more she listens she
finds out that when her husband was younger, he
was bit by a wild cat. Sarah now sees her
husband’s perspective, and realizes that if she was
in his place, she would not want a cat either. This is
called cognitive empathy.

The next thing she did was try to feel and understand how it feels for her husband to
remember how badly he was bitten whenever a cat comes near him. This is called
effective empathy.

Nevertheless, having empathy does not always mean you agree with the other person. It
just means that you believe that their perspective is somehow correct for them, their
history, their childhood, their experiences and their life.

One of the biggest reasons why we don’t accept other people’s perspectives when they
communicate with us is our lack of empathy. The biggest failures at communication are
the people who refuse to see other people’s perspectives.

You grew up in a city where holding the door in public places for the stranger behind you
is a must, otherwise your actions would be considered rude. Your friend grew up in a city
where holding the door for the stranger behind them is not a custom, it’s not important,
and barely anyone does it. Holding the door in your reality, from your perception, is the
correct thing. But is it the full reality? Is it the correct thing for everyone else too? It
definitely is not for your friend, because they lived a different reality.

Our lack of empathy makes us believe that just because we were at a certain place and
we saw something happen a certain way, or if we learnt something growing up as
children then it must be the truth. But it’s only our own perception of reality, and what we
focused on. It is not objective truth, but we as humans generalize our perception of
reality to be true for everyone.

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 REFERENCES FROM THE HOLY BOOK
The Battle of Uhud, is one of the most important battles in Islamic history. The Meccans’ goal of
this battle was to kill Prophet Mohammad (PBUH). They did not succeed in the assassination of
the prophet, but this battle was the first battle where Muslims did not win in war against
Quraysh. The Muslims were not announced as winners of this battle, due to their disobedience
of Prophet Mohammad’s commands.

This was Prophet Mohammad’s command to the Muslims during the battle: “He instructed them:
'Stick to your place, and don't leave it even if you see birds snatching us, till I send for you; and
if you see that we have defeated the infidels and made them flee, even then you should not
leave your place till I send for you.'

When the Meccan army was pushed back, and they had no way of attacking the Muslim
archers on the hillside, the Muslims then appeared to be victorious. The Muslims were so
certain of their victory, they decided to run down the hill and claim the spoils of war,
disobeying the Prophet’s orders. When the archers left their posts out of greed, the Meccan
army attacked the Muslims from behind. This then, shifted the entire outcome of the battle. The
Muslims who left their posts and caused this defeat, felt extremely ashamed and shocked. The
Prophet (PBUH) also felt a sense of grief and disappointment. This is when Allah (SWT) sent
down this verse:

‫َف ِب َم ا َرْحَم ٍة ِّم َن ِهَّللا ِلن َت َلُه ْم َو َلْو ُك ن َت َف ًّظ ا َغ ِلي َظ ا ْل َق ْل ِب اَل ن َف ُّض وا ِم ْن َحْو ِل َك َف اْع ُف َع ْن ُه ْم َو ا ْس َت ْغ ِف ْر َلُه ْم‬
)159 :‫َو َش ا ِو ْر ُه ْم ِف ي ا َأْلْم ِرَف ِإ َذ ا َع َز ْم َت َف َت َو َّك ْل َع ىَل ِهَّللا ِإ َّن َهَّللا ُيِح ُّب ا ْل ُم َت َو ِّك ِليَن (آل عمران‬

So by mercy from Allah, [O Muhammad], you were lenient with them. And if you had been rude
[in speech] and harsh in heart, they would have disbanded from about you. So pardon them
and ask forgiveness for them and consult them in the matter. And when you have decided, then
rely upon Allah. Indeed, Allah loves those who rely [upon Him]. AI-imran: 159

Even after the Muslims had committed this big mistake, Allah (SWT) ordered our forgiving
Prophet who did not even reproach them in the matter, to ask for forgiveness for them and
(consult them in the matter), meaning still ask for their advice on what to do next even after
they made this mistake!
Could you think of a more empathetic act?! Prophet Mohamad (PBUH) was given the most
important message on earth to communicate and spread to the nation while Allah (SWT) taught
him everything. So why did Allah (SWT) tell Prophet Mohamad to consult his companions and
take their advice even after they had just committed a mistake when he could have just
directly taught him and told him what to do as he usually does? Allah (SWT), revealed that
verse to teach us that consulting one another, listening to one another, being empathetic
enough to give a second chance and forgive is what will keep us strong. Even if the other
person may have done wrong, their wrongdoing in a certain situation does not mean they will
not have something helpful or mindful to offer, it does not mean that we should judge
everything else they may say or do. We learn from this verse, the highest and most honorable
acts of empathy.

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 THE LESSON WE LEARN?
There is a lesson in this story from God to all humans to forgive and hear each other, and listen
to each other’s ideas and perceptions because he created each of us so differently. You must
believe that no matter how knowledgeable you think you are there is always someone else that
knows what you don’t know.

Abu Hurairah reported: “I never saw anyone consult his companions more often than the
Messenger of Allah.” (Ahmad) Of-course only if it was something that had no guidance from
Allah directly from the Quran or Sunnah then by the command of Allah, he would consult his
companions and take their advice. Our Prophet was always wise enough to know what to do,
he did not need anyone to tell him what to do, but because of his great leadership skills, he
knew how important it was to listen to other people’s opinions and perceptions.
The usual term used by Prophet Mohammad in these cases is: “Give me your opinion, O
people.” Not, “tell me what to do”, it’s "give me your opinions".

This practice then became a good characteristic of a strong community for each generation
after that. Allah (SWT) praised this quality by saying in surah Ash-Shura, verse 38:

)‫ الشورى‬:38( ‫َو ا َّلِذ ي َن ا ْس َت َج ا ُبوا ِل َر ِّبِه ْم َو َأَق ا ُم وا ال َّص اَل َة َو َأْم ُر ُه ْم ُش و َر ٰى َبْي َن ُه ْم َو ِم َّم ا َر َز ْق َناُه ْم ُيْن ِف ُق و َن‬

“Who obey the commands of their Lord and fulfil their devotional obligations, whose
affairs are settled by mutual consultation, who spend of what We have given them.”
(Ash-shura: 38)

Therefore, hearing each Empathy is one of the

other and empathizing for key components to
each other, makes a stronger
community.
According to psychologist
Daniel Goleman,
“
emotional intelligence
and is a vital leadership
skill.

Page 8
 How Do You Strengthen Empathy
Within Your Communication?
1
Communication your
understanding
· As they talk, you need to
communicate your understanding.
“That must be so frustrating for
you” or “I can see now why that
would annoy you.” These responses
must be genuine, of course.
3 4
Give Benefit of the doubt
• You need to believe that
people have good intentions, or
else you’ll never be able to
have empathy.
2
Ask to understand more
· Use phrases like
“I can see you are upset."
"Help me understand why you are
upset.”
And then let them tell their story
without interrupting or being
defensive.
Cultivate your sense of curiosity
Become more curious, so tell yourself
what can I learn from a very young
colleague who is “inexperienced?” What
can I learn from a client I see as “narrow-
minded”, negative, and difficult to deal
with? The more questions you ask, the
more this leads you to developing a
stronger understanding of the people
around you.
Practical ways to
strengthen and apply
your sense of empathy
are taught in more
depth, through
successful methods in
my online coaching
programs.
Page 9
 STEP

02
1. Run Away From The Small Talk
(Engage in small talk as much as you can)

Another way to Fail at communication, is to just hate

engaging in small talk. Ok I get it, sometimes it’s boring and meaningless.
I mean you may be thinking, who cares what my neighbor cooked yesterday and what
she bought from the mall or how her son’s swimming practice went, I really don’t care.
I have more important things in life to worry about. I’m the same way, I love deep
conversations, about the true meaning of happiness, whether or not astrology is real,
and deep topics in religion. Until I realized, that nothing helped me understand the
right ways to speak to different strangers from different backgrounds, or how to ease
an awkward situation in an elevator, or how to maintain proper eye contact, or how
to make sarcastic jokes without coming off as offensive or weird- like small talk did! It
was the magic of small talk, it’s what helped me practice communication in all it’s
ways and forms. You have to understand that in order to become a master chef, you
must practice cooking all kinds of cuisines. Communication is exactly the same, if you
want to master it you have to practice speaking to different kinds of people.

Have you at least once tried avoiding someone because you just don’t want to talk?
Or when you’re in the middle of a small talk with someone, all you could think about is
what you’re going to have for dinner? Yup, that’s failing at small talk. Don’t feel so
bad, it’s not just you.We are all so engrossed in our own lives. We are so polarized
now that we find many people boring and a lot less interest to have conversations
with. We only speak to people we’re so comfortable with, and this is why we struggle
to communicate during situations we are not comfortable in. Sometimes, engaging in
small talk allows you to leave your communication comfort zone.

We are so afraid to fail at talking, that we would rather just not do it at all. Although,
the truth is, the best way to know what makes a conversation fail is by failing at it at-
least once, you’ll be able to figure out what not to do for next time.

Page 10
Believe it or not, studies show that small talk is
good for our well-being. Good things come in
small packages! Findings of a study by the
University of Michigan show that passing the time
of day with colleagues during lunch in the
cafeteria can improve our cognitive functions in
the same way brain-teasing exercises do. Small
talk makes us better problem-solvers. Hence,
chatting about the weather with Susan from
finance, or talking about what car you’re thinking
of buying with Zaid from marketing could actually
be as beneficial as doing a cross-word puzzle.
Having small talk with random people, who have different personalities and are from
different ethnicities and backgrounds will give you the confidence in knowing how to
speak to absolutely anyone.
How to be better at small talk:

A) Use facts: average people are always looking for opinion, but successful people
are always looking for facts, objective truth, good stories, and big ideas.
If you want to master your communication successfully start to access truth and more
knowledge, read more and listen more to general knowledge.

Don’t be hesitant to share that knowledge. Sometimes we hesitate to share something

because we are afraid of how someone will accept it. Although, the truth is, as Daniel
Ally says “What you feel about what you know will determine where you go”.So if you
feel sure about what you know, that will determine how the other person will perceive it
from you. If you’re so sure about your facts, when sharing them avoid using words such
as, “I think”, “maybe”, or “I guess,” since those are terms of hesitation. The more
confidently you state your facts the more your facts are trusted.

B) Every conversation is an opportunity: The best way to push yourself to actually having
small talk, is by looking at every single conversation you have as an opportunity. Before
you go into a conversation, remind yourself that this is your chance at practicing how to
communicate. Sharing any new facts you may have learned will allow them to stick in
your brain for longer, a new conversation is your opportunity to do that.

Make small talk with yourself first, something like this: “I seriously don’t feel like talking
to any living human right now. It’s bad enough my wife would not stop talking this
morning, I seriously need a break. But it’s almost 4 O’clock, and honestly the other day I
felt like my confidence was low when I was speaking to my line manager. I need to go
and open up a conversation with him about this new idea I have before our shift is over,
this is my opportunity to enhance my confidence for next time.”

Page 11
You perceive at it as an opportunity, then begin. Most importantly, reassure yourself that
it’s ok if you fail the first few times. Remember the first job interview you ever had? Was
it like your fifth or tenth one? The more you have them the better you get. Small talk will
do the same thing for you, the more you have it, the better you will get.

C) Be Specific: Remember, specificity builds credibility. The more specific you are the
more credible you will be and the more people will believe you.
How annoying is it when your mom says “go grab my phone from upstairs.” You know
upstairs has many places right mom? It ends up being downstairs anyway. During small
talk too, when you’re not being specific, people can feel like you’re wasting their time.
Whether you are the sender or receiver of the message, ask for details and give details
as it will always help eliminate misunderstandings.

STEP

03
1. Ignore The Outcome You Want
(Always search for the outcome you want)

Another great way to fail at a conversation, is to completely ignore the outcome you
want out of it. Your child hit another kid at school. Before confronting them or speaking
to them about what they’ve done, ask yourself what is the outcome you want out of that
conversation.

A. Do you want to make them feel humiliated and get angrier?

B. Do you want them to actually understand why hitting another kid is wrong and be
convinced that they should not repeat the mistake again?

Most of the parents obviously want to achieve B. However,they end up achieving A due
to using the wrong words or measures when confronting their child.
When you remind yourself about what it is you really want to achieve, you will look for
the right ways which will lead you to that outcome.
The outcome you want from an interaction or a conversation could be anything. Maybe
you just want to ease an awkward situation so you start making a joke out of it. It could
be that you just need to find out more information from someone, so the right approach
would be to prepare the right questions before you go into the conversation. Maybe all
you want is to have fun, so you remind yourself not to bring up anything that may bother
you.

Page 12
Ask yourself, what do I want from this conversation? For example, do I want to lose my
husband by constantly fighting with him about his annoying behavior? or do I want to
help him actually change his behavior?
Knowing your outcome from the conversation, will allow you to take the right approach
before starting the conversation.

Here’s another common example. Let’s say you have a team member at work that isn’t
doing their job properly and they keep making mistakes. You definitely want to speak to
them. There would be two outcomes you are hoping to achieve.

a. You don’t want b. You actually

to directly fire want to keep them
them just yet, but as an employee
you want them to because you know
be so upset, they are capable,
unmotivated, and and you want
feel unequipped them to fix their
enough to start mistakes and work
looking for a new harder at their job.
job.

If you were looking for the first outcome you would just probably criticize everything
they did and let them know directly or indirectly that they are basically not good
enough for the job. If you wanted them to improve their work and keep them as an
employee, then you would most likely begin with informing them how much you
actually appreciate them and value their work as an employee, the ask them what is
going on, what it is that they need help with, and maybe discuss a training module
that could help them.

Unfortunately, many leaders or managers fail at communication by ignoring the

outcome they need. Many of them need outcome B, but they end up using the
wrong approach; unappreciative words, wrong tone of voice, no helpful strategies,
and a whole lot of criticism- only to end up losing a perfectly capable employee,
who was just going through a rough patch.

Sometimes we are so blindsided and emotional that we end up forgetting or being

unaware of what outcome we actually need. That awareness and control comes
with practice of methods taught by communication experts to help you stay
conscious and aware of the approach you take. Don’t worry, I will work with you on
these techniques through my coaching programs.

Page 13
 STEP

04
This is an amazing way to fail at
communication! We each have
three ego states; a child, a parent,
and an adult. Speaking through the
wrong ego state, is the perfect
plan for failure. Psychiatrist Eric
Berne calls this theory the
1. Talk Through The Wrong Ego Transactional Analysis. He believes
that our communication style will
State - TRANSACTIONAL ANALYSIS
vary depending on what ego state
(Always speak from the correct ego state) we are functioning from.

Parent Ego State: Our internal parent is a collection of rules and moral dictums.

P When you speak through your ego state, you often use words such as “always”,
“never”, “stop”, “don’t”. “Don’t be lazy”, “Never let anyone make a fool of you”,
“always remember a marriage should last forever.” When you’re functioning from your
parent, you discuss problems in terms of “ought to”, and “should be” done.

Adult Ego State: The part of us that juggles the intense feelings and needs of the
child with the rules of the parent. Your adult is like a computer, a data processing

A
center that sorts through and keeps you aware of what’s going on inside and outside
of you. The healthy adult knows the needs of the child and is aware of the rules of the
parent. Therefore, communication that comes from your adult position are direct and
straight. Your adult describes, it asks questions, it assesses probabilities, it evaluates
the known and unknown, the true and the false. It has opinions, rather than
judgements and beliefs, and it is aware but the awareness has no emotional charge.

C
Child Ego State: Although we all have a parent within us, we also have a child inside
us. The child is the part of us where our emotions reside: Our attractions, our love,
our fear, our anger, etc. When we communicate from our child position, there is
usually a great deal of energy; extreme excitement, tears, pouting, giggling, whining
etc. The child within us uses phrases such as “I hate,” “I wish” and “Why do I have to?”

When you’re having a casual conversation with a friend, if you speak to them the
whole time from your parent position, they will feel like you are judging them or that
you’re imposing your beliefs. If you speak to them from your child often, they might get
annoyed and feel like you’re selfish, irrational or whiny. Whereas, speaking to them from
your adult position means that you are speaking to them to reach a healthy mid-point of
ideas. The goal is to always try to enhance your adult version when communicating.

I have a small exercise that will help you identify the difference between, parent, adult
and child statements.

Page 14
Place an X under which ego position you think each statement is coming out of.

Statement Examples Parent Adult Child

“Why do I always have to go to the store?”

“You’ve been here three hours and haven’t

accomplished a thing.”

“I’ll need some help with the packing when you’re

free.”

Answers
The first statement is coming from the child ego state, and would look like this if it was
from the alternate ego states.
Parent: “I’m not going to the store anymore, from now on you do it.”
Adult: “I understand that someone needs to go to the store to get the groceries, but
I’ve been busy and have a lot on my plate. Can someone go instead of me please?”

The second statement is coming from the parent ego state, and would look like this if it
was from the alternate ego states.
Child: “I’m getting so frustrated waiting for you; it’s already been three hours you
didn’t even finish anything.”
Adult: “Hey, I just wanted to check on you, it’s been three hours let’s go over what you
have done so far to make sure you’re on the right track.”

The third statement is coming from the adult ego state, and would look like this if it was
from the alternate ego states.
Parent: “Come help me pack, now. “
Child: “How come you never help me pack?”

Here’s another exercise to help you understand the three ego states more.
Fill in the blank below.
Lena wants to tell her husband that she’s lonely when he goes to political meetings at
night. How would Lena express her feelings from each of the three ego states?

Parent:

Child:

Adult:

Page 15
Lena may say some things such as:

Parent: “It’s thoughtless and uncaring to go to all those meetings while I’m left
alone.”
Child: “Can’t you see how lonely I am at night when you’re not here?”
Adult: “I’m lonely in the evening when you’re out at meetings.”

The adult position consists of no insults, no aggressiveness, no whining, and no

blame. Even though Lena expressed her emotions and stated that she was lonely, she
did it rationally. A simple, clear statement of how she feels regarding the behavior.

If you do not want to fail at communication it’s very important to always pay
attention to what state you are speaking from and make communicating from the
adult position your target.

Prophet Mohammad (PBUH),

had to deal with all different kinds of people. The smartest, the wisest, the most
aggressive, the most arrogant, the most ignorant etc. We notice that he always
communicated in the adult position. Here’s one example:

A man came to the Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) and said:

'My wife has given birth to a black boy' - and he wanted to disown him.

The prophet said: Do you have camels?

The man said: 'Yes.'
Prophet said: 'What color are they?'
Man said: 'Red.'
Prophet said: 'Are there any grey ones among them?'
Man said: 'There are some grey camels among them.'
Prophet said: 'Why is that do you think?'
Man said: 'Perhaps it is hereditary.'
Prophet said: 'Perhaps this is hereditary.' And he did not permit him to disown him.
(An-Nasa'i)

If our Prophet (PBUH) were to speak to him from a parent state he may have said
something like; “Do not disown your son, disowning your son for something like this is
absurd and irrational.” If he were to speak from the child state, he may have said
something like; “Oh my goodness this is not what I taught my people, how long will it
take until my people start using their common sense!” Prophet Mohammad (PBUH)
always spoke from the adult position, in this case he used persuasion and logic to
correct the man’s mistake.

Page 16
 STEP

05
1. Do Not Take Time To
Learn Your Audience
(Get to know your audience very well)
The easiest way to fail at communication is not to bother knowing anything about who you’re
actually speaking to. Remember what was mentioned in step number one, we are all different
with different perceptions, different backgrounds, and different realities. The main reason for
that is because we may have been raised in different environments by a different set of parents,
maybe from a different culture, different educational backgrounds, and definitely distinct
personalities and brains. Remember that example I mentioned in the above
pages about maybe you growing up in a place where
holding the door for a total stranger is a must? Well
that wasn’t you that was me. I grew up in Canada, and
if you’re Canadian you know how serious holding the
door is. Social etiquette in Canada are quite different.
It’s a must to open the door for the person behind you
even if they are a meter away. If you make eye contact
with a stranger and you don’t smile at them it’s almost a
crime. The word “Sorry” is said as often as “Hi”,
Canadians are very apologetic. They very easily say
“sorry” for anything and everything.
“Nice weather today, Eh? or is it too Sunny for you?
Sorry” !!
When I first moved to the UAE in 2016, I
experienced quite the culture shock for sure. I was
opening the door for everyone in public places,
smiling at random strangers very often, saying “Eh”
at the end of every sentence, and apologizing way
more than I needed to. I definitely came off as
either too nice, weird, and sometimes a creep.

Obviously, when I learned what the social etiquettes were like in the UAE it was much easier for
me to understand and interact with the people.
It would be difficult to assimilate and evolve in an entire culture if you don’t learn and
understand the way people deliver and perceive their messages, as it is just as hard to progress
in your relationship with an individual if you do not learn the ways they deliver and perceive
their messages. This is exactly what learning your audience is.

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 If you assumed that just because you speak English and the other person also speaks
English, that you're both speaking the same language, you would be wrong. The meaning you
give to words come from your environment (e.g. the way you were raised, your circle of
friends, etc.) Your experience with that word and your own needs may define it in a certain
way which is completely different for someone else. This is why miscommunication occurs so
often.

Here is an example: Salama and Ahmad are married. Ahmad sees that Salama is unhappy and
asks Salama what's bothering her. Salama says that she wants Ahmad to be more caring.
Ahmad promises that he will be more caring and Salama feels better about his reassurance.
The next week, Ahmad buys Salama flowers and takes her out to dinner. He feels good about it
and Salama seems to be enjoying it as well. A few weeks later, Salama and Ahmad get into a
big fight because Salama accuses Ahmad of not following through on his promise to be more
caring. Ahmad resents it because he felt that he was very caring and has shown it through his
gesture of taking her out and buying her flowers.

What was the problem?

Ahmad and Salama had different definitions for the word "caring":
Ahmad’s definition of caring: Buying flowers and taking loved one out to dinner.
Salama’s definition of caring: Asking her daily about how her day went.

So, who's right? Was Salama right to be angry or was Ahmad wrongfully accused?
Neither of them is wrong, the miscommunication occurred because they agreed on two
different things thinking they agreed on the same thing. Salama thought Ahmad would ask her
about her day more often while Ahmad thought as long as he bought flowers and took her out
to dinner, he'll be giving her what she wants. If only he knew that all he had to do was speak
to her more, the man could have saved some time and money!

The best way to learn your audience and understand the language they speak, is to always ask
questions. Try to ask open ended questions, but keep the question simple in order to get a
deeper answer. Questions like: What do you mean by that? How did that make you feel? Tell
me why you think that is? With questions like this you will get a much more interesting and
helpful response.

When you learn more about who you’re dealing with, you will naturally start understanding
what to say and what not to say. For example, let’s say you were able to recognize that your
friend has an uncontrollable jealousy problem, then you would try to avoid speaking too much
about your success or achievements in front of them and instead try to be humble or say things
which would help them control their jealousy. If you are speaking to someone who you know
lacks self-confidence, you may try to include some praise or compliments as part of your
conversation to help boost their confidence. If you are speaking to someone who you were
able to learn is an overly sensitive person, you would try and be extra gentle with your words.
This is the style of being emotionally intelligent, this happens once you learn your audience.

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 CONCLUSION
TO RECAP:
1. Don't b empathetic
2. Run away from the small talk
3. Ignore the outcome you want
4. Talk through the wrong ego state
5. Do not take the time to learn your
audience
Those are the easiest 5 steps to fail at communication.
However, that’s not what you want. Therefore, always
remember empathy will take your listening skills and
your relationships to a whole new level. Small talk with
anyone is your only way of tasting the different flavors
of conversation, and mastering how to cook them!
Knowing your outcome before entering a conversation,
is your only way of preparing the right approach and
having a better chance at attaining what you want.

Talking from the correct ego state, is your best way of reaching a healthy conclusion while
maintaining strong relationships. Learning your audience will make you more likely to resonate
with them, allowing you to foster stronger, more long-term relationships.

Here is one last tip, I say this out of experience; SPEAK WITH LOVE.
This one is a game changer.

People don’t care about what you know, unless they know how much you
care” - Teddy Roseville.

Many people know so much in this world and have plenty of knowledge and intellect but they
don’t know how to deliver it with love and care. You don’t want to merely reach people’s ears;
you want to reach their hearts. Good fish isn’t found on the shore, it’s found in deep-sea.

Register for a limited seat webinar where I will be sharing important the
“3 secret methods to solve your problems with your close & loved
ones”.

These 3 secrets will help you with the following,

Secret 1: The core of every fight you may be having
Secret 2: The secret to being vulnerable and expressing the truth
correctly
Secret 3: How to get your close ones to really change.

Click below to register before seats are fully booked.

Make sure you don’t miss it, see you there!

Click here to register

@Nooralhudatalks
@Nooralhudatalks

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