Sorry, no fortune this time.

"It's today!" said Piglet.

"My favorite day," said Pooh.
Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests,
since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.
-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
The covers of this book are too far apart.
-- Book review by Ambrose Bierce.
"You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten."
-- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
Over and Over"
An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.
-- Spanish proverb
We are what we are.
<knghtbrd> Program received signal SIGSEGV, Segmentation fault.
<knghtbrd> 0x40095fb0 in memchr () from /lib/libc.so.6
<knghtbrd> (gdb) bt
<knghtbrd> #0 0x40095fb0 in memchr () from /lib/libc.so.6
<knghtbrd> #1 0x0 in ?? ()
<knghtbrd> Well That's Really Helpful
* knghtbrd trades gdb for a nice ouija board - it'll help more
A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on
a photo-safari in Africa. As they're driving along the savannah in their
jeep, they stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars.

The biologist: "Look! A herd of zebras! And there's a white zebra!

Fantastic! We'll be famous!"
The statistician: "Hey, calm down, it's not significant. We only know
there's one white zebra."
The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is
white on one side."
The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!"
Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him.
A: None. He declares Darkness(tm) the new industry standard.
Your Pentium has a heating problem - try cooling it with ice cold water.(Do not
turn of your computer, you do not want to cool down the Pentium Chip while he isn't
working, do you?)
THE DAILY PLANET

SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT!

Plans to "Eat it later"
Microsoft Mandatory Survey (#9)

Customers who want to upgrade to Windows 98 Second Edition must now fill
out a Microsoft survey online before they can order the bugfix/upgrade.

Question 9: Which of the following do you prefer as a replacement for the

current Microsoft slogan?

A. "Over 20 Years of Innovation"

B. "Wintel Inside"
C. "Your Windows And Gates To The World"
D. "Because Anti-Trust Laws Are Obsolete"
E. "One Microsoft Way. It's Much More Than An Address!"
F. "This Motto Is Not Anti-Competitive. And Neither Is Microsoft."
G. "Fighting the Department of Injustice Since Day One"
Truth is free, but information costs.
It works the way the Wang did, what's the problem
Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation):
We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any
thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you should not
consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have
anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.
The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says he, "Go
and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals.
All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah.
"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows
their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again.
Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how
the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need
logs to multiply."
<doogie> cat /dev/random | perl ?
<shaleh> doogie: it is also a valid sendmail.cf
<doogie> :)
* knghtbrd hands doogie a senseless-use-of-cat award
* shaleh wants to try it but is afraid
The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect.
Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.
It's reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough, society will
take full responsibility for you.
"Plan to throw one away. You will anyway."
-- Fred Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
So this is what it feels like to be potato salad
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
account be allowed to do the job.
-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
Kludge, n.:
An ill-assorted collection of poorly-matching parts, forming a
distressing whole.
-- Jackson Granholm, "Datamation"
There are running jobs. Why don't you go chase them?
Bullwinkle: You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the outfit.
General: What does that make YOU?
Bullwinkle: What else? An executive.
-- Jay Ward
Thank God I'm an atheist.
That is the true season of love, when we believe that we alone can love,
that no one could have loved so before us, and that no one will love
in the same way as us.
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
When Yahweh your gods has settled you in the land you're about to occupy, and
driven out many infidels before you...you're to cut them down and exterminate
them. You're to make no compromise with them or show them any mercy.
[Deut. 7:1 (KJV)]
Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails,
whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through
the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly I rush!
-- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick"
The reward for working hard is more hard work.
Adore, v.:
To venerate expectantly.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
If you aren't rich you should always look useful.
-- Louis-Ferdinand Celine
When I'm gone, boxing will be nothing again. The fans with the cigars and
the hats turned down'll be there, but no more housewives and little men in
the street and foreign presidents. It's goin' to be back to the fighter who
comes to town, smells a flower, visits a hospital, blows a horn and says
he's in shape. Old hat. I was the onliest boxer in history people asked
questions like a senator.
-- Muhammad Ali
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
-- Albert Einstein
<Mercury> alexsh: Be /VERY/ cairful, you could, if your unlucky, fry your
motherboards..
<Knghtbrd> Mercury - sounds like fun
The goys have proven the following theorem...
-- Physicist John von Neumann, at the start of a classroom
lecture.
<Kysh_> Joey: I'm on it right now.. 3 1.3Gb disks, 128M ram, dual 50Mhz
(Up to quad 250Mhz)
<Kysh_> The catch is that it pulls 110v at about 12A 8>
<Culus> 12A!
<Culus> Okay, my stove is 3000W, this sun is 1320W
<Culus> DO YOU SEE A PROBLEM HERE
<calc> a 1320W sun, that is like a hair dryer :)
I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.
-- Bill Hoest
Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations

Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner:

Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles!
Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet
behind, flee then to the indifferent lifesaveringshippen
obedicing the instructs of the vessel.

On the door in a Belgrade hotel:

Let us know about any unficiency as well as leaking on
the service. Our utmost will improve it.

-- Colin Bowles
Down to the Banana Republics,
Down to the tropical sun.
Go the expatriated Americans,
Hoping to find some fun.
Some of them go for the sailing,
Caught by the lure of the sea.
Trying to find what is ailing,
Living in the land of the free.
Some of them are running from lovers,
Leaving no forward address.
Some of them are running tons of ganja,
Some are running from the IRS.
Late at night you will find them,
In the cheap hotels and bars.
Hustling the senoritas,
While they dance beneath the stars.
-- Jimmy Buffet, "Banana Republics"
Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion.
Many a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will get a respectful
hearing when age has further impaired his mind.
-- Finley Peter Dunne
I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.
-- Phil Harris
Why is it that when you DIE, you can't take your HOME ENTERTAINMENT
CENTER with you??
No problem is insoluble.
-- Dr. Janet Wallace, "The Deadly Years", stardate 3479.4
Charlie Brown: Why was I put on this earth?
Linus: To make others happy.
Charlie Brown: Why were others put on this earth?
COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler one expects from
a corporation whose president codes in octal.
-- J. N. Gray
The difference between reality and unreality is that reality has so
little to recommend it.
-- Allan Sherman
Official National Anthem Of The Geek Paradise Of Humorixia
(second verse, abridged)

Patents, copyrights, and trademarks,

Those evil lawyers are worse than sharks.

We can't escape their vice-like grip,

We're slaves to their class-action whip,

We all must fight this evil abomination,

Join together and strive for world domination!

Tell those bloodsucking ticks, "See ya!"

And move on over to Humor-ix-ia!

Kill all the lawyers!

Oh, kill all the lawyers!
Let's "kill -9 lawyers" now!
Let's "kill -9 lawyers" now!

...Humorixia! There is no conspiracy!

Sometimes, too long is too long.
-- Joe Crowe
One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an advisor...
is to discourage... from expecting too much from mathematics.
-- N. Wiener
The essential ideas of Algol 68 were that the whole language should be
precisely defined and that all the pieces should fit together smoothly.
The basic idea behind Pascal was that it didn't matter how vague the
language specification was (it took *years* to clarify) or how many rough
edges there were, as long as the CDC Pascal compiler was fast.
-- Richard A. O'Keefe
Now what would they do if I just sailed away?
Who the hell really compelled me to leave today?
Runnin' low on stories of what made it a ball,
What would they do if I made no landfall?"
-- Jimmy Buffet, "Landfall"
Well I looked at my watch and it said a quarter to five,
The headline screamed that I was still alive,
I couldn't understand it, I thought I died last night.
I dreamed I'd been in a border town,
In a little cantina that the boys had found,
I was desperate to dance, just to dig the local sounds.
When along came a senorita,
She looked so good that I had to meet her,
I was ready to approach her with my English charm,
When her brass knuckled boyfriend grabbed me by the arm,
And he said, grow some funk of your own, amigo,
Grow some funk of your own.
We no like to with the gringo fight,
But there might be a death in Mexico tonite.
...
Take my advice, take the next flight,
And grow some funk, grow your funk at home.
-- Elton John, "Grow Some Funk of Your Own"
... Linux und seine Programme sind damit so etwas wie ein real existierender
Sozialismus der besseren Art ...
-- Christian Seel in der Berliner Morgenpost v. 9.3.1997
I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up!
jogger, n.:
An odd sort of person with a thing for pain.
I distrust a man who says when. If he's got to be careful not to drink
too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does.
-- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
Don't vote -- it only encourages them!
No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after
eating one peanut.
-- Channing Pollock
If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few
people die past the age of a hundred.
-- George Burns
Windows:
It's not pretty.
It's not ugly.
But it's pretty ugly.
Biggest security gap -- an open mouth.
#if _FP_W_TYPE_SIZE < 64
#error "Only stud muffins allowed, schmuck."
#endif
-- linux/arch/sparc64/quad.c
XVI:
In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one
aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and
Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be
made available to the Marines for the extra day.
XVII:
Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing,
and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics, i.e., it always increases.
XVIII:
It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability. It is not uncommon
to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of
ten degradation accomplished.
XIX:
Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase, there will
be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them.
XX:
In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of funding
approved the prior year plus three-fourths of whatever change the
administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax.
-- Norman Augustine
You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for success.
You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits or white
plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume party disguised
as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.
-- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"
"I'm a bastard. I have absolutely no clue why people can ever think
otherwise. Yet they do. People think I'm a nice guy, and the fact is that
 I'm a scheming, conniving bastard who doesn't care for any hurt feelings
or lost hours of work if it just results in what I consider to be a better
system."

- Linus Torvalds
<Joy> that's a Kludge(TM)
<knghtbrd> It Works(tm)
<Joy> AIX works(TM)
<knghtbrd> no it doesn't
<knghtbrd> =>
You know you're in trouble when...
(1) Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind
her own business.
(2) You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
(3) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
(4) You see a `60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office.
(5) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
(6) Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to
flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
(7) You realize that you've memorized the back of the cereal box.
backups: always in season, never out of style.
senility, n.:
The state of mind of elderly persons with whom one happens to disagree.
Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies.
-- David Nichols
A mind is a wonderful thing to waste.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
-- Robert A. Heinlein
Save gas, don't use the shell.
"The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by people
who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried anything."
-- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore
Ferengi Rule of Acquisition #18:
A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all.
-- Heart of Stone (DS9 episode), Ferengi Love Songs (DS9 episode)
Life, like beer, is merely borrowed.
-- Don Reed
Patageometry, n.:
The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant
under brain transplants.
Your mileage may vary.
guru, n.:
A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with
a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the
phone call you are about to receive from your boss.
IOT trap -- core dumped
Cruickshank's Law of Committees:
If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it
will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so
much work has already been done on it.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the
only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
-- Wernher von Braun
I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game.
-- Cash McCall
There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
"Can you imagine how life could be improved if we could do away with
jealousy, greed, hate ..."
"It can also be improved by eliminating love, tenderness, sentiment --
the other side of the coin"
-- Dr. Roger Corby and Kirk, "What are Little Girls Made Of?",
stardate 2712.4
If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
Marriage Ceremony: An incredible metaphysical sham of watching God and the
law being dragged into the affairs of your family.
-- O. C. Ogilvie
We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center
of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week,
but for some reason nobody's ever done it.
-- Andy Rooney
The Information Revolution will be fought on the command line.

-- From a Slashdot.org post

Air Force Inertia Axiom:
Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.
If a fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.
-- William Blake
Personally, I like to defiantly split my infinitives. :-)
-- Larry Wall in <199708271551.IAA10211@wall.org>
Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned?
A: It wasn't IBM compatible.
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now
I'm beginning to believe it.
-- Clarence Darrow
Delta: A real man lands where he wants to. -- David Letterman
He hath eaten me out of house and home.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"