How it works book 42:

STAR CITIZEN
by Galarox and Beet Wagon
with assistance from Kayak

There is always more and it is always worse

What is Star Citizen? Some people say
Star citizen is a game. Some people say
Star Citizen is a dream. On the right you
can see a Commando playing Star Citizen.
He has parked his immersion chariot next
to a space station and is parping over to
visit a fellow Commando.

Before you can play Star Citizen you have

to buy jpegs. The more jpegs you buy the
better. Buying lots of jpegs will get you the
best Star Citizen experience possible.
CIG make the jpegs in a big factory.

1
This is the big CIG Jpeg factory.
It is shiny and modern. It has expensive
sliding Space-Doors for the workers to get
in and out. Without stylish space doors
and aeroplane desks, the jpeg factory
couldn’t function.

The factory has been making jpegs for

many years now. It has been running so
long that whole families have come to
work at the factory. Many hundreds of
people work long hours making the best
jpegs CIG can produce. People love to
work at the jpeg factory because it is
always sunny and pleasant.

3
This man is designing jpegs. Jpegs are
very important. In fact they are the basis
of the CIG success story. He works all
day on them. And all night too. In game
development this is called “crunch”.
When he eventually gets home he will try
to sleep but stress will make this difficult.

5
When the jpeg design man has finished
designing the jpegs they go to the jpeg
manufacture machines. You can see two
of these machines on the right. They are
very loud and dangerous.

Working in the factory on the jpeg

machines is hazardous. Sometimes Health
and Safety inspectors visit the factory to
shut the jpeg machines down. They clearly
don’t understand games development.

7
After the jpegs have been manufactured
Chris Roberts looks at them for a bit.
He turns them around and checks them
from all angles to make sure they are the
highest quality they can be. Then they are
sent to the refactoring room. You can see
the big refactoring pipeline control screen
in the background. Normally 3 men work
here but one has broken his wrist so the
pipeline has developed a bottleneck.

When a bottleneck happens, a special

team of CIG employees is brought in to
clear the pipelines. This is a dangerous
job and the men are very brave. They
often receive gifts like boxes of donuts
for their services.

9
This is the most important room in the
whole factory. This room has special
machine that CIG uses to count money.
Money flows in from across the globe at
all hours of the day and night. The money
is counted and then funnelled to various
parts of the factory to keep the jpeg
furnace stoked.

Without lots and lots of money to waste,

game development the CIG way would
be impossible.

11
CIG is not a normal company. It is special,
in every sense of the word. Other game
developers have many executive positions
that help keep the company on track and
following rigorous design principles. CIG
have a King and Queen instead. They are
Chris Roberts & Sandi Gardiner. On the
right we can see the King and Queen with
Prince Parp, their baby. The King and
Queen are married but it’s a secret.

The King & Queen rule the factory with

an iron fist. The carbon blobs who work
for them live in a state of perpetual terror.

Chris is trying to save PC gaming.

13
Sometimes words aren’t enough to
capture the brilliance of his Vision, so
King Chris communicates with a special
language. It is called Hand-Wavism.
Many specialists are working tirelessly to
unlock the secrets of this language.
You can see an example of Hand-Wavism
on the right. What do you think King Chris
is saying here?

15
Who buys the CIG jpegs? Commandos
buy them. Who are Commandos?
Commandos are almost exclusively white
men. They may have neckbeards. Or
manchild tendencies. Some might Vape.
Minorities and other undesirables, such as
women, are strongly discouraged.

On the right you can see the owner of a

very expensive jpeg. It cost him over two
thousand dollars. It is called a Bengal
Carrier. This Commando is very proud
of his Bengal Carrier. See the pride in
his stance and bearing. He thinks he is
very lucky to own such a magnificent
piece of gaming history.

It is extraordinarily difficult for CIG to

manufacture such complicated jpegs.
Only a limited number of Bengal Carrier
jpegs were made and put on sale. They
sold out in under 30 seconds. Many people
find this amusing. Others think it a tragic
reflection on the human condition.

17
Some Commandos evolve into whales.
Whales are extremely important for CIG
A lot of effort goes into harvesting the
valuable natural resources of these whales.
Whales inspire other Commandos too.
They lead by example, giving everything
they have to support CIG. Many Commandos
revere the whales and try to join them, but
most will never live to achieve whale status.

Whale begins with the letter W

Other words that begin with W

Wulge
WTFOSAURUS
Weightloss

19
“Happy birthday son” says Wulf.

“What are they?” asks little Billy.

“They are baked beans cans son. I painted

them red and put some string on. Think of
the hours of fun you can have with these”
says Wulf.

“These suck” says Billy “I wanted an Xbox”

“Oh Bad luck son. I am afraid we can’t

afford luxuries like that. Or any luxuries
at all for that matter. I spent all our money
(and your college fund) on jpegs - it’s a
matter of faith you see” says Wulf.

“Mummy said she’s getting a divorce”

says Billy.

“You just don’t understand game develop-

ment” replies his dad.

21
Billy’s Mummy is taking Billy and his sister
Jane to the chemist. “I need my Xanax to
get through the divorce” says Billy’s mum
“He even emptied our joint account - the
lawyer says this ones a gimme!”

Supporting CIG is hard work that requires

extreme dedication from the Commandos.
Many must put aside other responsibilities:
to their jobs, their friends and sometimes
even to their family.

Sometimes Commandos’ families will not

be able to accept this. They are then
considered Dirty Leavers, and must be
looked down upon.

23
Mummy and Daddy are arguing again.
Billy and Jane are learning the words that
Mummy was shouting at Daddy. They will
be going with Mummy to live with Granny
and Grandpa soon.

It is okay though - this is good for Star

Citizen! Chin up Billy and Jane.

25
Some Commandos are not quite right in
the head. They believe in a thing called the
4th Stimpire. On the right is a Stimperial
Citizen. He has been skinned. Then he was
subjected to the worst kind of electricity.
Then his genitalia were removed. He is
holding a pain sphere in his right hand.
Later his bones will be replaced with
liquid metal.

27
This is what the Commandos imagine
they will be getting. Huge planets to
explore. Brave new worlds to seek out.
To Boldly Parp Where None Have Parped
Before. Commandos have a limitless
imagination that they use to think about
what they will do in Star Citizen.
Commandos believe anything is possible
in a living, breathing universe!

They are going to be disappointed.

29
This Commando is playing Star Citizen. It
is permanently stuck in Alpha. CIG insist
it is not in any way a janky tech demo. He
has clipped through the floor seventeen
times, blown up on the launch pad five
times and had his immersion chariot
stolen by Pgabz once. He is reaching for
his Space Whisky as he needs a drink to
calm his nerves. He remains convinced
that this is the best game ever. This is
called sunk cost fallacy.

31
Every room at the jpeg factory has an
Elephant in it. The CIG employees ignore
the Elephant. Even when it makes a mess.
In this room the Elephant is the probability
of their completing the game as promised
on time and without suffering a catastrophic
collapse. What do you think the Elephants
in some of the other rooms might be?

Elephant begins with the letter E

Other words that begin with E

Engineering debt
Extinction Level Event
Electricity (of the worst kind)

33
These are Goons. Goons ruin everything.
These Goons are forcing this Commando
to “Walk the reality plank”. The Commando
promptly blindfolded himself. He will fall
into the Brown Sea. The Goons hope that
the Commando will wake up, smell the
coffee and get a refund.

Some Commandos believe the Goons

worship a great Warlord named Derek
Smart. In reality though, most Goons are
incapable of reading blogposts of more
than a thousand words. This makes it
nearly impossible for them to decipher
the Warlord’s instructions, so they give
up and post cat gifs instead.

35
“Help! Help! We are sinking!” Cries King
Chris. “Why did nobody warn me?”

“We did” replies absolutely everybody -

“You didn’t listen!”

37
 Published by: Goonswarm Publishing 2017
In association with Slow Motion Train Wrecks &
Derek Smarties Blogging Goods Services.
The End
42 69 23

Copywrong © Galarox, Beet Wagon 2017

(of STAR CITIZEN )

Galarox & Beet Wagon have asserted their right under the
Copycat, Signs and Patients Act 1993 to be identified as the
authors of this work

Illustrations by: Various dead people,

stuff on the internet & Galarox

Words by: Galarox & Beet Wagon

Helpful suggestions: Kayak. Woof.

o9 Commandos!